Sunday, July 10, 2016

YOU HAVE TO PRESS NEW POST AT THE BOTTOM OF EACH PAGE TO SEE ALL MY POSTS GOING BACK TO AUGUST OF 2012 WHICH INCLUDES MY TRIP ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND MANY OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS. I'M WORKING ON FIXING THIS BLOG. DRUGS: my situation has nothing to do with divorce but there are certain basic availabilities to injured children regardless of divorce. I can only chalk it up to lots of drug use someplace in the care of a child. 

7/10/16 So I'm creating a new post because the below one is getting way too long and hard to upkeep. This date is not being transferred in. I was totally going to take a day off but mom told me when I woke up that airhead (Claire) is coming over today to help her out (holy crap!). That's a new one. The rape of my life is done so that she's coming clean with Claire finally of how much she can't do anymore. Claire has been told by me FOR YEARS when we used to talk how mom is painting a pretty picture for her, how nothing's wrong and all is OK. A total no-brainer in the entire decade+ that me and Claire had a relationship. Claire's specific response to my complaints were that she doesn't want to get involved (fucking stupidity in a child screaming out that their hospital-discharge guardian is not properly taking care of them. So anyway I took a shower first since it was known she is  coming over which offset Christine on when she was taking one and without a hearing aid and failing cognition, it didn't register to mom. She went on and on how this is MY fault. So the complaints start and the nagging of how we just can't live in peace because mom has to complain about everything. At a certain point I told mom she better tell Claire the Sheriff takes over my house August 11th and I can pay everything to the Sheriff or it goes up for auction in September. That I will be dead very soon. The stupid bitch starts in about I should have gotten a job to pay the taxes! You know she's probably not that stupid. She probably is punishing me for making her live in reality. I tell her she's had 3 years to know what the answer to that is and 3 years to fix this. At a certain point I (as a matter of fact I think I started out with) the fact she has painted a pretty picture for Claire all these years ruining the lives of "us" (me and Christine). She looks forward and says nothing. Before I said that she did her defensive it's-no-big-deal attitude. THAT attitude may have gotten us through life but it was not appropriate for the medical follow-up of our lives! Why do I even BOTHER??? The weather was pretty severe in Mount Olive recently. Have to wonder if that has anything to do with Steven J. Straub of Norrie and Associates who assisted my mother and Claire with lying in court. Mom is not happy with how long it's taking her to get help. As I told the social worker, mom is going to look elsewhere if ... I'd have to listen to the recording to know exactly what I said but mom is doing exactly what I did 20 years ago until there are no options left. The only difference is Christine has medicaid AND has her money safe. Mom never did anything like that for me. Mom had an obligation to if we were her duty of care upon being discharged from a hospital and upon the death of our father. I'm losing hearing in my left ear, I'm having a very bad situation with my left back tooth. Oh well. As far as I can see I'm out of here soon. And my fall on mom's hardwood floors required a hospital visit. How do I know? Because I'm sitting in a spot I used to sit in before the fall and it's a padded seat and my ass hurts extremely bad. I've sat here enough to know what's normal and what is not. So here is the transfer part of this blog: TRANSFERRED FROM POST JUST ADDED ONTO FROM NOV 29, 2014 ... #hinklefinglesprior    #norrieandassociates   #accardiandmirda   ... #hinklefinglespriorfischer #hinkle ... #norrieandassociates ...  6/21/16 today's blowout started with mom complaining how hard life is and I said "that's why you properly communicate with your children so they can take care of you when you need them" and she said "well you're here and you're not doing anything." AS IF THIS PAST 3 YEARS SHE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD REPEATEDLY. AS IF. DISABLED CHILD NEGLECT IS NOT OK. The only word capable of coming out of my mouth was stupid. How were we left in this lack of proper care???? This woman is not taking - forget it - too much to get out. And mom came home with a heart monitor because her recent ekg indicated something wrong. She forgot to bring it upstairs and is complaining she has to go get it. Still no elevator. ... 6/24/16 FUCKING STUPID WE NEVER BELONGED WITH HAS A CONDITION I SAID WAS GOING TO PASS. STUPID TOLD Aunt Maureen THAT SHE WENT FOR THE XRAY ON HER OWN BCOZ PAIN SO BAD BUT THE UNBEARABLE PAIN IN HER THIGH IS TIED TO HER SPINE SO SHE'S GOING TO A SPINE SPECIALIST. AM ASKED QUESTIONS MOM WAS ONLY DEFENSIVE ABOUT FOLLOWED BY LAUGHTER OVER SOMETHING. IS DEANNE M WILSON VACATIONING IN THE BAHAMAS? OH I FORGOT THE PART MOM TOLD ME TO JUST SHUT UP. ... this is the fucking stress and medical inappropriateness we were left in. Just to be on a band-wagon(?) she goes and has a knee replacement after being evaluated by a new doc at a hospital that only does knee replacements sixteen years ago (the knee replacement factory). Then 3 years ago she finds comfort in the band-wagon again by friends (some of whom have passed away) about how their second knee replacement went). Her back was bad even during the second one that I TOLD her not to do because there's things in the back attached to the knees. Her response? "Well if you know so much go fix yourself." Fucking moron. Fucking STRESS we were left with! For all the people out there saying/coming down on me "but that's your moms!" was Susan Smith or all the other mom murderers out there in the same category that you would say the same? ... 6/26/16 CRUEL HARASSMENT WITH SERIOUS IMPLICATIONS. IT'S A KNOWN THING CHRIS WAITS UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE FOR SIMPLE THINGS LIKE TOILET PAPER. THEY GET HOME FROM A BREAKFAST AND CHRIS TAKES HER CARBATROL SAYING IT'S THE LAST ONE. MOM SAYS "THEN YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SKIP IT TONIGHT" AND I FREAK OUT. SHE'S GOT TWO HOURS TO GET IT. SKIPPING DOSES CAN BE VERY SERIOUS! ... she's going w one hour left. During that blowout I reminded her of the seizures I had that she witnessed when I missed doses of shit I never belonged on. It happened when my surgery was cancelled the first time due to Potsdam police. The shit's name was? ??? DEPAKOTE. I never belonged on the shit as said and actioned by dr john beamer m.d. who was never called as a witness because all Italian mamas have won in denying me all medical and legal rights. Btw the internet said carbatrol can be missed and just needs to be taken asap. ... 6/28/16 so mom's living in her elder years how I've been living since my 20s - losing track. Mom never set the alarm so was running late for her dr appt so Chris wasn't going to be dressed but after mom left Chris did the overestimating she's been taught so I asked questions to elicit from Chris how easy it was NOT going to be. Sure enough Chris had to get changed back into her nightgown. We now have a bigger mess on our hands and we'll never hear the end of it when mom gets home. I also now understand how mom is still not truthfully answering questions asked by social workers etc. My plans for the day are dampered as mom was going to leave Chris here all alone when mom doesn't keep track that when Chris has the freedom to do so she'll go to the bathroom about every 75 minutes and that's a problem with falling if Chris is left alone. Chris is scared and degraded into NOT using the bathroom freely when out because mom only complains how hard it is for mom to help her these days. Two little children were sent home to this atmosphere long ago. That has major impacts for both. Christine's brain damage is worse from untreated seizures for one. There's just so much more but I just keep repeating myself and no one is doing anything to protect us or at least provide an alternate solution. When I was younger and complained, mom's sisters would tell me to just leave mom as dealing with the reality of my sister's death "would kill her. It would just kill her! (said by Teresa with much emotion)." Fast forward to the inappropriate fat-phobic psychologist who didn't dig any farther when mom said she doesn't feel guilty because she doesn't know what happened. ... I'll have to transcribe how that went down. Recorder went on and you can hear mom's constant rumblings of pain and I tell her it wouldn't be a problem if she took the elevator and she wails in pain struggling up the stairs in saying she doesn't know if she'll make it with the pain in her leg. I go take the bags and she asks if Chris got dressed and I explain we ran into a problem that I didn't know Chris had certain problems and mom denies she does and we go back and forth that christine didn't lie to me. Mom then says Chris doesn't have a problem over something that happened "a100 years ago" and I feel my temper rise as I say "it doesn't matter how long ago but that it DID." I am keenly aware of mom's glossing over and denial. At a certain point mom started her shit about a group home. Just her same harassment that elicits reaction out of me that is used against me. There go my plans for the day. Tackling the cyber harassment will have to wait til tomorrow now. The funny and heartwarming story of the talented black basketball player (it was actually probably the Harlem Globe Trotters who I miss seeing even as an adult) playing a joke on the young white boy with down syndrome is no laughing matter with the subject matter I'm dealing with and I'm all alone. I don't have a team for comfort. ... that happened fast. Mom's 100 years ago was actually last night with evidence RIGHT THERE. I guarantee it's another medical situation that will go unchecked. ... oh yeah and now Claire will learn what I did years ago of getting supplements for mom. I was surprised an Amazon package came here and it turns out the internet-void Claire ordered mom supplements for her leg. Dah! 1. Mom has knee replacements and other health conditions that need to be considered. 2. Mom has spine problems and not knee problems but doesn't listen to me there are things in the legs tied into the back. Before mom had her 1st knee replacement I had her take alfalfa pills for pain but she refused to listen to reason I was nauseous for 2 weeks when I first started them because your body is busy getting rid of all the toxins that have been living there. Mom did try Colostrum and found it was good for her stomach so she took it when I got it for her but that was the end of it. ... 7/1/16 I just remind mom about social security she received for a child. Mama never prepared that child for being handicapped in life; mama had to feed into her own denial of "not handicapped" therefore mama has comforting deniers like Aunt Maureen and god knows who else saying I'm not handicapped and mom continues with her "as everybody says you're not handicapped." And mom continues to get away w this abuse.... 7/1/16 I tanked today. So hurtful what happened w my work for africa. Working around holiday hours is throwing me off too. From here on out for the next few days I'm confined to zero libraries. I feel like getting up and going now but I'm just not up to it at least for a couple hours. There are things I learned in Plus Attorneys & Friends that were counterproductive to my awareness for africa :-((((. ... so the other day the brother of the non-handicapped child I was compared to growing up died. When referring to the non-handicapped child mom degradingly snapped at me that they have 4 children. For this child, being left w this woman was the ultimate child abuse for life. But no hospital will be held accountable or anything else. I'll just stop breathing when I do away w myself and hope I'm right that my old soul is done on this Earth. When Alan silberhartz passed I got a feeling he finally understood something about me I still  don't. Some decision was made re: me at some point that made some impact. I forget if it was then or another time this week that something was going back and forth and mom did her infamous "as everybody says" you're not handicapped. I've only spent my entire adult life finding out what's wrong with me just to have deanne m.wilson support what will be taking me out of this life - the abuse noted above. Other common things this week was having to listen to mom in her pains and complaints using the stairs so as she uttered her complaint I said "so take the elevator. Fucking stupid." I guess I'll finish off the last mug of Vodka. Don't know if it will have an effect but if it gets me one step closer to death I'll take it. Claire called after the exterminator to find out about the new bug situation in christine's bathroom and just like all else mom is only satisfied hearing exactly what I said coming from someone else "they're not termites. Termites live in the wood." They are drain bugs. Mom didn't seem to get to the bottom of why and how NOW. We've never had this. So I go through what's changed and the only recent things is we used drayno because my hair caused a clogging and I started using a hair catch that I pull up every use and mom had to emphatically say how wrong I am on both points. The above after "... so ..." written 7/2/16 and still same date and getting back to what I felt with Alan silberhartz' passing is his understanding of the absolute fiasco my life was made into. A vision of decision-making men standing in suits with my life in the balance, a reference can be made to the Alanis song of men in suits and she was only born in 1974. ... so robodick's sister Karen doesn't keep in touch with them. Have to wonder why. I don't even remember Karen at the wedding. The only thing I know about her is she had a date w a cop in 1993(?) and know nothing else. Have to wonder if her being out of touch is her disagreement about her brother's choices / family. I was still beside myself at Claire's wedding over my friend's suicide so it's not surprising I don't remember but ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE HOW MUCH I NEEDED ATTENTION AND NO ONE DID ANYTHING. ... this stupid bitch just got what she deserved by shoo'ing away the truth that Claire's religion says the man of the household has the say. That punch in the back will turn into 2 black eyes one of these days useless immigrant. ... preparing to let go of this life as no one saves me. It's 4th of July and I can only see it as my last holiday. I've read that the intellectually impaired have most likely lived that way in their past lives. Mom shoo'ed away the notion Claire and robodick are protected by Illuminati Princeton by dr victor paul Weirwille. I just need to read up on all I will look forward to if not saved in this life in 1 month(?) 2 months (?). ... BINGO " When lives are heavily burdened by the negative effects of their past actions, their present experience is often tragic, and occasionally their lives may appear to be wasted senselessly. However, from the soul's perspective a single incarnation is a learning-experience and an opportunity to resolve past actions that are now holding the soul back from a fuller life. One physical life is not the ultimate living experience for the soul. It is an opportunity to resolve the burdens past actions have placed upon our souls and to clear away the many ideas that continue to confuse and limit us. So even though the seventy or eighty years that comprise the average lifetime seem so very singular and final, it is only a temporary sojourn, a brief experience along an infinite path of soul-life.." ... I'm just not finding answers. The talk of the soul is completely different when it comes to the new person and plans of life created by brain injury. My greatest fear in life, to give a clue to a past life, doesn't exist. Not being able to swim has to do with the injury - not with the soul/past life. That's just one example. Brain injury amnesia really makes a difference. I just blurted out to mom the things we never talked about or dealt with. That I can't ask the questions getting at who and what my soul because brain injury is in the way and she should know this before I go. That the remedy was not going into a surrogate's court and lying about it just to get her way. All she did was make the same noise that was the deal-breaker in Claire no longer caring for Chris. Earlier I seemed to have struck a nerve by asking about Karen. I told her it very well is prevalent as Karen could be not keeping in touch as the same reason as me but Weirwille's Princeton protection destroyed lives - not what robodick would point out in the bible as Jesus saying in Luke 12:49-56. So let's see how many brain injury explanations "man was not made to be alone" explained by social petrification common to many brain injured in that area of the brain. "As a boy I thought as a boy. As a man I think as a man." Explained by developmental issues of that age. "Those of god are of sound mind." Explained by the part of the brain injured that handles perception, judgement, emotional response, etc that are forever altered. "You have the gift of choice." Do I? I don't suffer impaired decision-making? Christine is obvious. Since I'm not obvious it doesn't exist? Hmmm what else? When jesus says he will cause division in family, etc is that what's really going on here? No it's Princeton Theological Seminary having NJ courts by the balls and Claire having a NJ POV of life. As mom sits behind me thinking she and Chris can get smart by watching Jeopardy. The name of that movie again? (7/10/16 Rainman is the name of the movie) ... how ironic the times Claire calls. Did she just see the message I put up and has to call mom in a large dose of denial to comfort herself? Mom's hinting at Claire to drive her out to the wake tomorrow but Claire doesn't either get it or is saying to herself "man was not made to be alone" and mom's been alone for over 30 years. ... 7/8/16 I would give anything to free us from this worthless immigrant. If it weren't for medical we would be properly taken care of. Cast the spell of death on this slow southern comfort murderer. 7/10/16 I just can't win. I'm out of the house for six or more hours and airhead is still there. I go around the block and about to drive by a house that had the sirens in front of it and there's Ace Ventura! Drugs! That's all that failed MayJane in Butler... I just called mom saying I'm right near the Chinese Food place so I can go get dinner and she's as aloof now about reality as she was earlier. I told her Claire is going to regret this - that the next time she's going to see me is at my wake. Mom did her usual of passing me off as being full of crap. ... my fucking god my phone is about to die. My car charger isn't working. What a fucking day!! 7/11/16 oh so this is how it ends. I figured out my L ear problem has to do w my cracked infected left tooth I never took care of. I was thinking it had to do w the earphones I use but nah. I took the cleaning lady's advice of hydrogen peroxide first w a q-tip and then a drop where I could hear the sizzle at work. That's when it hit me. I guess the brain is next if not already. ... 7/13/16 I would have finally been at peace had I not woken up from a dream today. I was driving a brown (?) car down an unusually steep hill (like I've seen exists somewhere in the western US). There were other cars driving too. It turned out the hill was to steep because my car started driving faster and sort of bouncing off the pavement. There was a white car to my right. Looking ahead 2 cars at the bottom of the hill entered the steep roadway from the opening on the right of the mountain. They had their lights on but they didn't yet realize they entered the wrong lane (direction). As I said Wtf and was starting to free fall faster I noticed they must have realized their mistake and were turning around to go back to where they came from to avoid collision. I knew it was my end but knew I wasn't going to die and as the car started free falling faster losing more control by the back twisting to the side I woke up. W the weather threat Chris is not happy being here and before mom left thought she would go because mom is easily manipulated (our inappropriate care) but I stopped the back and forth bullshit by declaring tomorrow is another day if she can't get out today and Chris threw a temper tantrum ending w the learned response "I'm sick of living here" and mom started her new moron response of "then go." I laid into Chris if she were living elsewhere and had the same problem then transportation would be the problem - not living here. ... WOW the universe is talking to me again. I had no idea while I was working Ten hours for africa yesterday that a girl fell 400 feet to her death in the western US but my dreams did. If our minds were communicating across the airwaves the message is she didn't die so there's nothing to fear? I only felt in free fall yesterday from a misstep after letting a community know about my community and feeling a whole lot of hate pointed towards me on the airwaves. It's really exhausting the hate that can arise. Maybe I struck a nerve w more than one person but oh well. People are going to have an informed choice. I know all too well what it's like to be robbed of that. I'm in the fav time of day. My life having been thrown away and now losing my hearing from infection. Is that why lately I've been craving seafood and chocolate? ... so the fucking inadequacy we were left w drops a bowl from the counter that I was eating from and HAS NO FUCKING BROOM FOR HER HARDWOOD FLOORS. That arises out of staying away from those "old-fashioned" things that she was forced to grow up with. Once a vacuum, brooms are to be laughed at. You can bet shit flew here tonight. Stupid has the Harvard inadequate foot doctor tell her today it's not a matter of her spine. Tomorrow I'm planning to have a seafood meal and only have chocolate if I can handle it, and then go to a ten hour day. Don't know if I'll make it ten hrs. Like I told the social worker we have no one to come in and evaluate our lives from a medical perspective. Not only hardwood floors but central air that aggravates arthritis all in the name of mom "being like everyone else." ... Dumbass just complained "this is all too much for me" after I inquired about bringing food home after christine's blood work. I said "you should have thought about that before lying at the surrogate's court ... I mean now I'm losing my hearing from infection ..." her response is " you should have gone to a dentist". SLAP SLAP ... southern comfort Chris doesn't realize: we had to yell repeats to mom several times due to her lack of a hearing aid and Chris got mad with frustration. Mom made a joke out of it and Chris laughed while I know it's no laughing matter. Knowing the history of this house on this day of 7/15/16 I easily envision this is what happens all the time as mom drives Chris all over the place. Chris is happy to go out as that is what mom taught her and Chris is content and happy in the short term as she is unaware the medical updates out there available to her. I pointed out to mom yesterday I would be better off using her rolling luggage for my laptop and she wasn't into it afraid it would not be seen again. I reminded her I'm not going to be around much longer so she has nothing to worry about and I know all about she may not be able to go on her trip. She's had 3 years to fix this and this is what losing one's hearing from infection is all about. No one took care of the profound needs of these children left behind. ... 7/16/16 mom calling Claire for her anniversary is something new. Now she's asking about the guy who threw eggs at our house as we were injured and mourning the death of our loved one. HUGE DENIAL. or acceptance depending on how you view undiagnosed brain injury. Sounds like my nephew moved out. Mom has the type of denial comfort she needs. Dumbass doesn't even answer me about what she's done to her own children. Christopher moved but no idea if in NJ or NY. His 2nd job is life guarding. I asked mom if she ever accepted her kids will never be that because they're motor coordination was taken away from brain injury and so we wound up her disappointments in life. Never good enough w no medical acceptance of her american freaks. Whatever proper care christopher got as a special needs I'm just a loser not because it's my fault but because I didn't have my needs met like christopher. ... 7/17/16 mom starts making an issue about the shows I put on for Chris asking if these are old shows and I say old made new and she rolled her eyes at them(?). I tell her me, Chris, and dad used to watch it every night 7:30 mon-fri and it's still a problem so I zero in saying that's what happens when 2 children are comatose and life becomes a time warp. That I've seen this out in the world w other brain-injured and does she remember The Dukes of Hazard. She says she's heard of it and I tell her my friend in NY comatose for a month a year after me does the same with that show. I tell her that's the abusive bullshit we were sent home to. We had every right w new medical lives to be accepted for what they are. Aloof just sat there. Flashbacks to Steven J. Straub doing a "pffft" as I said mom's aloof. I also had to heartbreakingly remind her The Dukes of Hazard was the whole reason I wanted to be an actress (as an alternate person inside me takes over to accept the unavailability of the guardian I was left with). ... so Claire is coming tomorrow to help w wash and I asked mom if she remembers the times I used to drive down from ny and clean her house and she paid me for it. She doesn't remember and says she doesn't pay Claire. I told her to call Claire back and tell her not to come until I'm gone or I will be violent towards her and mom wouldn't so I went to the phone and Chris helped me w the number and it took 3 or 4 rings before she answered and I said it into the phone and hung up. Claire took about 3 minutes to call back and mom hung up saying she'll call her tomorrow. I then ask mom to verify and mom starts her harassment to me by not answering the question. During the rings back to Claire on speaker phone mom did her shoo'ing away of me instead of waiting. The same impatience that ruined lives. As Claire was saying whatever to mom I yelled the details Claire doesn't know that mom tends to wake me up when she comes in at 11 so if it takes me 4 hours to fall back asleep I need sleep to get thru the day tomorrow "stupid! Something you should know by now about your handicapped children!" Claire calls back again and I could sense mom's wishy-washy mess to Claire so I made it very clear I will be gone by 12. So airhead is coming at 12.And what did mom do with this very poignant situation that just happened? Called aunt maureen to talk for no specific reason - just to talk. That is no different than what she's done through all my teen years calling her friends mary and margaret and Ann, etc and I would be on the other side of the phone not interrupting her speaking. That's the way children act when their parents are on the phone. ... 7/18/16 in hindsight this is Claire not having a real grasp about life in our house because mom still paints a pretty picture and it's not on the forefront of Claire's thinking. This morning a number came up on the phone from "morris county" and I immediately recognized the exchange as the surrogate's court. Mom says she has to go through them now about "this medicaid." THAT'S the type of over-seer-ship we needed to protect our lives. Instead mom has been a loose cannon with misinformation that we would have been institutionalized if she got involved or the truth came out. That's only one facet of mom's thinking. While on the phone after calling her back the other night Claire had the audacity (or complete cluelessness) to say that if I do the laundry she won't come by. DAH! FUCKING DAH! I've given her all she needs to read all this online. She said to mom she doesn't get on Facebook. I said it's not facebook. There's another thing mom did and it will come back to me. ... ...  watching 2009 Unstoppable about the runaway train. This is how I'm either unnerved or losing brain power: I can't remember my next thought. I do know I'm dying inside from the heartbreak the surrogate's court failed miserably on. ... 7/20/16 I got all my sleep for a Ten hour day and suddenly I've crashed. Mom probably contributed. It's exhausting to hear her say "there's no disability" when I've just explained to her the things in life not easy for me that are manageable for her and I remind her of the brain injury counselor who taught her this and when I return to the room she is on the phone w one of her sisters to feel better(?). It started over the selling of my house and I said it probably won't sell and she will be burying me. Feeling exhausted. Want comfort. Losing my hearing only adds to the stress. Feeling lost. Feeling it's too late. G+ algorithms are exhausting me too and haven't heard back from any moderators. Exhausted. ... 7/22/16 well going out with a bad feeling helps one go out I guess? :-( and all I really want is some comfort. As I ignore the degradation and move forward....lack of validity this handicapped child was sent home from a hospital to: mom doesn't remember the avon warehouse she used to go to infrequently so therefore it never happened. That is yet another chop away from the child empowered to get through life in a balanced manner only to be left openly vulnerable to psychiatry vultures making money further chipping away at a life. This emotional abuse has been a way of life instead of feeding into memory with confidence declared to the child it never happened. ... and as christine throws a tantrum becoz she's sick of waiting all this time for her last cup of tea and says she's sick of living here mom tells her to go out and find herself a place. Who's the bigger moron? Mom or deanne m. Wilson? ... 7/23/16 watched homesteading in the nevada desert where I was going to die and heart sank as watched older couple allowed to live their dream from their kids and mom just stayed all alone depending on the best from her youngest child but in the end lying about everything in relation to her oldest child because it's just easiest and ... 7/26/16 my hearing is back due to apple cider vinegar. Was going to document some other things I don't remember right now. ... oh I remember after just having a blowout with mom who says " I don't need this" when she won't shut up while I was fixing her phone problem and she states she needs a new phone when she DOES NOT. Claire bought mom the wrong size water bottles - mom has a problem with opening the wrong size. Christine is not able to open any bottles but based on her caretaker Chris does Simon-says and THAT IS THE UNDUE DULY INFLUENCE THAT RUINS(ED) CHRISTINE'S LIFE. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. ... 7/27/16 I just slammed mom's bedroom door and don't know yet if something flew off it. It's in response to the exact ways she used to treat Claire in the disregardful blaming way. Fuck this piece of shit not fit for taking care of medical lives. She forgot what I told her last night so now I'm the problem in her life. Fuck her. We never should have been left here all alone with her. I could take my life today if I wanted to. I have zero left. I was going to sit out for Ten hours today but shopping last night and enough sleep got in the way. Fuck this senior citizen who got away w child abuse in this country. Fuck her. ... I guarantee if airhead has anything other than air in her head she's living the reality of what happens when a will is executed. The only difference is it's a will provided for zero handicapped children. I'm not sticking around to find out what surprises this loose cannon has done and no lawyer will help til after execution rather than cognitive preparation for what is to come. ... 7/29/16 - final countdown is on. These coldfish emotionally abusive irish bitches got another thing coming. ... 8/1/16 declassified files right up my alley. Didn't get to ask mom just to be lied to again but just like I've already said in my blog, Russian girl in Minoa - east Syracuse area exhibits no signs of a stroke while in college at - can't remember name r - Suny Oswego where nuclear reactors are. She was acting more like hyperactive retarded and I just couldn't respond to her as if she were special needs and I distinctly remember she clearly uttered a Russian word under her breath as if breaking character as I sat there unmoved by her. Far cry from Anna Chapman. ... 8/2/16 I originally had what I suspected was a wrong spelling of Kornikova. It's Chapman. ... 8/3/16 aunt Maureen was on the phone and I had to yell across the room what I already told mom that she in no way snores like she used to. When mom started talking about the nursing home problem the last time as if it's a mystery I did what I missed doing all these years and interrupted the phone call saying it's from all the inappropriate friends Christine has. That her friend who lives there told them she's a permanent resident so the confused nurses believed him. I wasn't even there and I know what happened because I know my sister and am familiar with that life. That Chris has inappropriate friends like I told her earlier. Mom starts saying to AM "I know " and I scream she doesn't know a god damn thing about the medical lives of her kids. What was am saying to her? Fucking abuse of the cognitively disabled and guess who's taking the brunt of this deanne m wilson slap in the face? I'm merely a statistic that's all. ... 8/5/16 it's one of those rare times Claire is involved in christine's life and she came out of christine's bathroom saying there is no toilet paper. Mom said for Claire to use tissues and I hear Claire go downstairs. She comes back up with 1 roll of tp (DAH! NOT IN THIS HOUSE!) And mom questions it and then mom says ok as if she is being polite to a non-related friend who is not part of this family and she doesn't have to explain the help she needs to her child. Claire explains that Chris won't be here so she won't need more than one. At some point mom says it's alright that she has one in her own bathroom. I was surprised to hear mom is also going to drop Chris off and there's airhead again when mom asked her if she remembers how to get there and Claire says "not really. What's the address? I'll put it in my GPS." and mom struggles to find the address but Claire doesn't hear her because Claire is downstairs with Chris asking her in her clueless friendly voice if she wants to ride with mom or her. Mom says to herself she will take it with her. When I see Claire backing out of the driveway with Chris it makes total sense why I didn't hear Chris making the self-embarrassing noises she always does when getting in a car. When Claire was up here she also asked "who's eggshells?" and mom didn't explain that I didn't have time as I was late for my ten hour day for Africa and I didn't have time to clean them out of the bowl. I have no idea what body language mom used. As mom was talking over me yesterday, instead of admitting the mistake Chris leaves the shower curtain open AGAIN it stayed with me after showering and as I told mom how pathetic she is I told Chris I'll see her in the next life. Chris has no idea how much she's missing out and today for the first time I hear Claire ask if it could be the no-fault insurance calling back about Chris. Something happened with that social worker hearing my truth. I'll just destructively be told nothing. Something else happened when Claire was here that Claire was saying something to mom that is common knowledge. and too little too late Claire's response indicated she gets how unknowing mom is. That doesn't mean Claire has the skills to apply that knowledge to the the mess made for the cognitively disabled left to that care. Claire also when here, (I forget). Oh I remember. It's obvious how much more efficient I am in christine's life because I used a map in finding out how to get where Chris is staying the first time, and have had no problems since. GPS is notorious for getting people lost (flashes of Cristina Mirda of Accardi & Mirda winning her case saying christine has a close bond with both Mom and Claire. I think Mirda also used psychiatry against me. ... lawyer dream in which Jeffrey Lapin was consistent throughout. Other lawyers were around. A female(?) committed a crime against me with an instrument which I think was a gun and I got the instrument in my hand and we waited for my NY lawyer to arrive. During that time the person I held was a guy who used a military tactic of trickery in not cooperating by pretending to take/not take the instrument. By the time my NY lawyer got there we presented having the person arrested which my lawyer declined to say yes to. As I was receiving this slap in the face I kept talking to my NY lawyer as I depended on him. At a certain point in the dream I stated how my NY lawyer is too laid back. The person who was supposed to be arrested then left shaking the hand of or high fiving some of the other lawyers. Jeffrey lapin was sitting near me/us the whole dream. After the trickery I said what they could be found guilty on using military for civilian and I felt laughed at. This dream could have to do with me sending my 4:59 recording of me going ballistic at mom to James Novak this evening. First I sent it to me and the wrong email address without the 5. It started that when I learned Claire wasn't also going with her something didn't sound right because I wouldn't have it in my head if she wasn't. Mom said Claire wasn't going due to unemployment. What a crock of shit. 1. If Claire has to do the call in every week she has her husband do it. 2. There's various other ways around that. But I started recording when I asked "cool cat" why christine was not staying w Claire with mom gone because she's the other guardian. Mom said Claire doesn't have a shower set up for Chris. Then mom started saying contrary to the guardianship that when she's gone christine will probably go to a group home and not Claire's. I think what struck a chord was the fact I lost SO MUCH of my life because mom had to be there for christine keeping her out of social programs and institutions and in the end after I've lost my life anyway this is the shit flying out of her mouth. I think it was during this time I also told her I contacted Hinkle, Fingles, & Prior about her. That she's got another thing coming if she thinks she's just going to sail out of this one. It may have been during a different blowout. The Chinese food I brought home tonight is still on the floor and will remain there until someone else gets it. It flew off her wheels I placed it on after I screamed " don't ignore me" after she stopped answering me and kept her gaze at the tv. What's Claire doing right now? Defending mom saying she did her best? ... 8/11/16 and around 5:30 pm I watch the growing girls across the street leave together - a developmental disruption that was never compensated and I see the two girls ring the bell of the boy next door and the younger a bit more impatient but feistier. And all Claire says is god provides while she goes through the motions of nothing being wrong. Doesn't Claire piece together, not only did her boys have each other during development but that special needs christopher had a parent always available for him growing up? And today my house goes to the Sheriff unless there's something in my unopened mail that says otherwise. And I missed proper stages growing up and I didn't get any response from text messages I sent overseas and I wait. ... and the fucking telemarketing woke me up and I bittersweet think back to when 2 young girls were playing Twister on America's Funniest Home Videos and I ask christine if she remembers playing that (at the Murrays) and Chris says yes and the younger sister farts in the older sis's face and me and Chris laugh because we are still in that phase but I am rejected for all that I am and mom gets away with it and I wait. ... and because of the telemarketers I now face a night of no sleep because I'm out of alcohol. And when I go I'll have so much energy that I will cause heart attacks to many from the other side. Finally Claire will be set free from her undiagnosis. Maybe wilson Straub and Mirda will be my first victims. The energy has to go someplace. ... 8/13/16 and the ineptness of this family really shines through that they would do to me what I do to Claire when there is no correlation whatsoever. I can picture aunt Maureen behind it talking about how rude and explosive I am. Instead of attributing those qualities to a brain injury they act like animals in the wild as when a mother will reject a cub or a pup that is sickly, injured, or otherwise. I said goodbye. I have a loving family I miss in Ireland but they sure are - trying to find the word - I think they feel caught between what they feel for me and what they are being fed by mom, am, and Claire with 3000 miles between us. Even though I got enough sleep that behavior sucked the life out of me today. I told them goodbye. Case law will reveal exactly what statistic I will be. All of these all made a waste by Sally Spinosa who encouraged me to go pro se and deanne m wilson who had fragile fate in her hands. When the very ones loving you are abusive through denying you have a brain injury - it is a common story but in this case stupidity that is beyond repair... 8/16/16 So as family doesn't talk to me I must talk. On 8/10 Aunt Teresa didn't realize she texted me instead of the cousin who just got married. (Fast forward (below) and it could have been the other cousin with same name who AM used to be worried would turn into something of a Charles Manson because he kept to himself - the potentially freak children of immigrants). This is the same cousin who lived here illegally for some time getting money through installing hardwood floors ($10,000/job), went back at will, had some children with his girlfriend, and I reeled into mom recently for the unrealistic life she gave us here while those on the mainland advanced together. Aunt Teresa's text came in at 7:30 am saying "Hi Edward are you OK...will I come and take you to the village teresa" so I am willfully being ignored. For all I know Claire is there but she would have had to get her own ride to the airport because I was there when the taxi guy came and got mom. Waiting to be done. ... 8/17/16 So to finish off the Edward story (which I've done before) he came here with his illegal (redheaded?) girlfriend Fiona and they broke up soon after the episode at our house. Fiona moved to Tennessee and that's the last I know of her. At our house I had come down from my own house some time in 2001(?) to visit the visitors at my mother's house (of my cousin visiting from Ireland?) and Edward and Fiona were there. We got into it about the length of time college took me and I upsetly stated how my mother directed me to go to college. Then mom started her streak down senility lane saying she never told me to go to college. Then Claire (washing dishes in the kitchen) said we were all directed to go to college since we were in kindergarten. Mom not hearing her went to her for comfort and said "see! What?" but then mom was embarrassed when she heard the response and Fiona was either holding back laughter or whatever her response was. She had been joining in with mom asking about me going to college but after Claire came clean and shut everyone up I immediately knew Fiona was going through the discord between the older and younger generation Irish. I know this episode had something to do with them breaking up. Edward's mother is closest to my mother (most likely due to the financial successful lives they went on to have) and I have a feeling mom has Edward's mother in charge of Christine's assets that mom hid overseas. Mom didn't lie in court about that either. Mom even said with Christine's lawyer right there that this is the amount they have put aside for the guardianship at one point and then mom refuted when I said Christine has way more money than what the court-appointed attorney was going on about. Because that is money that simply grew while mine went to inappropriate college, inappropriate living expenses, inappropriate car insurance, etc. Are we happy now? I highly doubt the Edward Teresa is referring to is the American born cousin that was a worry at one point for becoming a murderer or something of that alien nature. Btw, he turned out to be an engineer working for the government.... 8/20/16 So ten days after Teresa sent a text to the wrong person I get a text from her today. History: 8/10/16: "How are things going with my mother Theresa? This is me. Is it obvious by now how much she should not be the sole caretaker of Christine? Btw my Google Plus name is now "MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork" and I still can't get into my facebook account." Response 8/10/16: "Hi Edward are you OK...will I come and take you to the village teresa" Response 8/11/16: "Teresa this is me (name) on Google+ because I still can't get on facebook:" No Response. 8/13/16: "Everyone's silence doesn't compare to Claire's negligence when I was being evicted from a nursing home. Goodbye." Response 8/20/16: "Hi (name) your mam says is everything ok and did the man call about the elevator ... all OK here. Weather wet and windy. Aunt Teresa" (fast forward to 8/26/16 and I told mom when she got home and she still didn't remember that the elevator wasn't giving a problem after she had to have someone come here 7/4/16 so she never returned the call they made AFTER that). Response 8/20/16: "I already told her they called and she's forgetting. She needs to listen to her old messages. I met a woman from (your husband's county who knows his namesake and lives near where my father's people come from and moved here in the 80s). When she was surprised mam didn't call me I told her we're at war. That I lived in a hospital with Chris as a child and mam says I'm not disabled and that's the child abuse I've gone through. She knows how hard an unseen disability is as due to her own condition. Too bad you texted me by accident 8/10/16 instead of Edward. It verifies the abuse continues." (details withheld from blog). No response. 45 minutes later another message from me to Teresa: "That criminal you call a sister collected money from the federal government for years for me as a "disabled child" until I turned 18 and she told them I was working so, as government will do, they cut me off of social security instead of me doing income reporting or ticket to work program. Over my dead body is that criminal staying the loose denial cannon she's been in America. Nice child abuse." - So we could analyze this and first think Teresa might not have an international texting plan. Ok fair enough but it doesn't explain everything. That just won't take the cake. You see how anything I've said went ignored? I do believe my family overseas that they're so far away and don't know what to do (let alone they don't know all the intricacies of the American way). I can picture some of her sisters over there telling her to do the right thing and mom denying all of it. That I don't know what I'm talking about. That the social security "was just a family thing" and it had nothing to do with me being disabled and them feeling powerless to do anything it just goes by the wayside and I fall through the cracks again. Also notice "Teresa" and "Aunt Teresa." As Akon has pointed out, that is changing one's ways to fit into the American way. When in Ireland we don't add "aunt" or "uncle" to anything but this is how life goes for immigrants to America. ... and like I've said before mom willfully told me what to do. She said stay away from public school slow classes because "those people never go anywhere and from mom is where I got that impression from those who go to VoTech. Well guess what schooling Christopher got? VoTech. Mom also directed me to not bother reporting my income to Social Security - that they'll get that at tax time. In hindsight mom always thought I would have a job to survive when they kept back the money which is on her social security record. I have no legal help to dig into this. There's even more stuff but this is exhausting. 3rd day out on 8/23/16 that mom's supposed to be back and not a word. Even the cleaning lady called to find out because she was supposed to come here yesterday. I can picture mom's sisters taking care of her while - nm. Is mom a jailbird? Simply extended her stay? Anything else? Laying in bed waiting to die. ... drinking Vodka for another round of sleep waiting for The View to come on. I feel better with Whoopi Goldberg. Had dream that was very clear and poignant that involved at least one man. I was too tired when I woke up to record it and forget it by now. Candice turning 40 brings heartache of all the "happy birthdays" I never heard. Flashbacks of Kevin isolating me from my friends because his perception of them is they're gay. He used reverse psychology that they're my friends but he didn't want to be around them so we should go our separate ways on friends night. If only I had the wherewithal then that I have now. In college I embraced people differences so when an issue was made of our Jersey accents I fed right into it. When a guy called Larch who was there with his sister who had gorgeous long blond hair said something he rubbed kevin the wrong way and kevin took a belt and was in the middle of strangling larch being a bully about Lurch saying ANYTHING about his girlfriend. If only I had what I needed in life to walk away from kevin right there and then. It was over the top. I felt more comfortable around people like Larch than guys like Kevin. I so wanted out of that relationship and no father or brother or family for support. They made fun of kevin rather than a healthy support and guidance system. If dad's side of the family wasn't going to be involved we needed to be back in Ireland with true family that changes with the times without acts or disconnected ways. When I met my one and only it was the wrong time. I have no signs anyone's saving me. Today was supposed to be a new View episode. What happened? I'm still alive? Claire's disconnect supersedes me. I'm not having a good feeling. ... mom's been home almost 4 hours now and not a word. If it's the usual Chris will come home tomorrow. I see mom is eating one of Claire's favorites from Ireland - cadbury. Rest assured she brought back some for Claire (at Claire's usual request?). Nice going everyone - particularly the inappropriate psychologist who "likes her." I can see mom being very likable without the medical lives she's been left in charge of inappropriately.... I can only imagine the inappropriate surrogate husband mom's sister's husband had to be for mom. Mom just called him about 9pm their time to thank him for all his help and to say she got back without incident. She thanked him again for all his help. I can only imagine. It highlights how unfair this is on us that we were left here all alone with this woman being all alone. Mom needs a helper. That is obvious. What is not obvious is the coldness bestowed on our very handicapped lives. I don't want to go but I must. I was not taken care of how I needed and Claire is one french frie short of a happy meal in that regard. It's only a matter of when. Now mom has pans or pots out. What is she cooking? The Irish sausage she smuggled into the country? I'm sure with all the help mom was so thankful for it must be extremely obvious how unable mom is but the judges and lawyers are done with their cases and I have 1 leg dangling over the edge because this was never supposed to be the outcome for traumatized children. Mom got away with it being all alone. I bet if we had someone else here (even a lesbian lover if mom is in a closet) mom would have more of an even way and we would not be screwed. The toaster popped so mom might be having toasted bread or waffles I bought. I think I smell blueberry waffles. Maybe she was just moving the pan. I feel like I'm laying on the top of the board again in the atlantic barely able to sing the words from the cold but don't think I'll be saved. Mom just left someone a message quietly. I can only guess it was Claire. The only place that would have left a message today would have been the orthepedic place. Based on the life mom comes from, that's the only medical care we need. ... I saw a huge transaction receipt mom made in a cashier's check but that's not surprising to me. I know mom has dad's money and from how she acts his disabled children have no protection. At least I know what other banks she's using and just to think I'm being labeled falsely. ... change of plans for the night. Instead of rushing to get my stash for sleep I had my last mug of Vodka. Mom was to. You know this woman isn't even worth mentioning. I only have to do the final act so Claire can liken me to the evil spirits cast out of the man and into the pigs who jumped over the cliff committing suicide. Mom's family were probably horrified any of mom's children let her travel alone like that. That's how the older generation irish are. No matter how abusive or pathetic they've been they always will bend to the abusers when they are old and crippled. I swear things are going to get physically ugly in this house. ... so if anything. Aunt. I don't have the energy for what's been done to us. This loose cannon had the surrogate court available to me the whole time my life was falling apart but kept me in the dark. I could actually eat something and eventually go to wifi. In ny it's much easier to get alcohol. ...couldn't do it. Got something to eat but too tired. And don't like the idea of going into a noisy bar. Something bizarre happened w Defina J on G+. I was saying thank god Jill is there as an option but autocorrect put "hill" and now I can't get back to the post. Don't matter coz all I want is to be done with this failed life. ... and the violence is mounting as I have to prepare for tomorrow. I would have . Lots of violence. Lots. I always thought I'd be killing mom but it's actually Claire. When I worked for the energy company I looked up Claire's acct and she always pays her propane on time. ... 8/24/16 I was all ready to jump and will probably take another life with me when I got satisfaction from hearing the insurance is not paying for christine. Time for mom to walk down memory lane with what she taught me. To just send in the bills to the insurance without dealing with the caseworker. Once you deal w the caseworker it has to be approved/unapproved. If you just send the payment in for reimbursement it gets paid. The insurance is saying christine's stay is unnecessary and they're right. I can watch Chris. Just add me to the guardianship. Uncle Eddie from belle Harbor is an uncle through marriage but his desertion of us after led me down this path. I needed an american family helping me in America. Not this disconnect. He deserted us after my father died. His wife, my father's sister, died before my dad so with no further ties he even declined to give away his god-daughter, Claire, at her wedding. Maybe he disagreed with Claire's path. Claire wound up having my godfather give her away. ... I wish I brought the recorder w me to the door when I just had a conversation with some jehovah's witnesses. It's too much to spit out right now but I have witnesses to mom saying I don't have brain damage and I'm lying. ... 8/25/16 number of days til I wind up like Phoebe Prince. Her family was just as dumb as this one in accepting a low settlement. An absent-mindedness of justice in America. My violence, notice, is less than yesterday as the time pressure was taken away. They cancelled picking Chris up. That means I could breath. The violence is here non-the-less. I just don't picture it happening today. When you consider the absolute medical aloofness left in charge of these lives damn right Claire's sweet-sounding head gets held under the water of the sink or tub she's cleaning. I forgot about the toilet. The adrenaline goes into overload and her head gets smashed against any number of hard objects. I don't know about phoebe but my present day bullies are the ones I was released from a hospital to. Claire is now having to foot part of the nursing home bill. All of this unnecessary without me involved in christine's care. Mom told me to hang myself before phoebe prince hung herself. That's why mom "can't remember" saying that to me. I question the accuracy of some of these details like being in the stairwell, etc but mom moved in an area like her when she was two. Teens here had no idea that in Ireland there is sometimes NOTHING to do so they are having sex. In 1982(?) when I first went it was like little house on the prairie where girls wore skirts and dresses all the time. 3(?) years later that was all changed but still the same that all to do for teens was sit in a room of the local bar and smoke fags (cigarettes) and play the slot machine for money to play the Asteroids game machine. I don't remember if they also had pinball but I found the card gambling machines quite boring. I don't remember much about the last time I was back other than how rude I was to the friend I brought with me because she had some nerve having something to say about ALL my family members AND she dated my sappy cousin telling me she would only enjoy it while in Ireland and not keep in touch after she left! She loved kids just like my cousin's mother but I was so rude to her even when she by accident hit my baby cousin Dionyshia's head on the hanging chandelier. Lesson learned - if you're excited to travel out of America for the first time don't bite the hands that feed you. ... and I've had my first drink not waiting til after Claire leaves. Very rarely would I get out of control or enraged when drunk. I simply go to sleep. But the alcohol will make me pee. Recorder will be set. Flashes of Claire refusing to talk of reality with this more severely developmentally disabled child needed to talk about in understanding what I'm perceptually impaired about. Mom's here. Claire is doing the picking up. My sappy cousin who only wanted sex with a relationship wound up getting paid sex in holland. That was after his girlfriend got pregnant with his son and they broke up (if I remember right). Oh yes and mom went to a fortune-teller before his son was born which means the time period was me at 17 or 18. She pulled the same cold shit, you're-a-piece-of-shit-garbage stress that I was going to wind up pregnant with ex's baby. When I threw it in her face some time later she acted like "oh well that was michael's baby." It's hard to convey the damage this woman has done but it ties into the absolute bullshit the children of immigrants have to go through while those on the mainland change with the times ... still waiting for Claire. ... so as I just read the above to mom she made all her noises throughout as I got to the fortune-teller teller part things exploded of how much of a Liar I am although she didn't use the word Liar. This loose cannon will be a piece of shit when having to own up to her own deeds. And on-queue she. - I forget. THAT'S HOW WILSON MADE A BAD SITUATION WORSE. SHE ASKED WITNESSED AND ADMONISHED MOM BUT INSTEAD OF TAKING THE NEXT STEP THE REST IS HISTORY IN THIS BLOG. I remember - on queue when I read about mom telling me to go hang myself she starts shaking her head in denial and as I read the part that she would deny it I remind her what happened first. So now mom is not answering medicare questions over the phone but is still not reporting the scam. So back to phoebe prince, her saying she didn't know the girls were dating the men she slept with is the old irish denial I know to be that was so completely inappropriate in our medical lives. When Claire was last here mom-christine agitation was going on and Claire said "hold on..." which is exactly what I do but Claire only bandaid's the problem. I bet Claire is going thru an insurance circus right now. Learning finally. All this could have been avoided with me involved in christine's life but leave it to deanne m wilson, Cristina Mirda, and Steven J. Straub. Ok here at 2:50. Bringing elevator down so Claire can put wheels and send Chris up. Recording ... so it is verified the family Claire refused to take in being evicted from a nursing home is replaced by all the other people Claire takes in. There is someone named Verne staying with them who knows ocular and told Claire her nighttime driving problems could be fixed with glasses that probably need a prescription but Claire who is down to 1 car right now wants to try nighttime glasses she saw at bed bath and beyond first. Claire's undiagnosed brain injury sensitive to light. Mom and Claire whispered about money and I know that is because of my presence. Why? Mom's paranoia about her american freak children. She used to whisper about money with me. Am's oldest child turned out to not be the Mass murderer freak just because he's quiet. That was the edward referred to - he was there. Mom and Claire also started whispering about the house she owns in Ireland that she used to have up for sale and did all updating to it and it still wouldn't sell so she took it off the market. I don't know why she had to whisper the tenant has cancer. Without me Chris missed out on therapy in the nursing home. That never would have happened with me. This time when Claire was here she (for the first time since Claire was court ordered out of the house) started going on with pain and Claire could be heard saying calmly and quietly "What's the matter mom." I take it Claire either denies or disconnects for those being left in this environment it really does make a difference. During this visit mom's hearing being a problem for others really showed. I've never witnessed Claire having to repeat herself like she did and Christine was all up to telling mom about a movie she saw at the Nursing home. She said "Mom I saw a movie called Boss." Mom said "Oh Cross?" Chris said "NO Boss." Mom said "Oh Frogs." Christine said "NO BOSS!!" Mom said "oh!" and then there was silence and Christine's enthusiasm was dampered and Chris didn't say anything else. Christine's headed down a life of unfamiliarity the way things are. Claire doesn't see the - I forget. ... copy of recording sent to James Novak email w the 5 about Claire's harboring people in her home but not family being evicted from a nursing home. ... there was a day Claire said something to me that I assume people learn in la mas classes that she didn't have an open conversation with me about but sounded like she assumed I got what she meant and has to do with "Steven being walked in on." Claire has some REAL problems integrating family if denial of accepting me from a nursing home eviction had any delusions of her boys growing up. Claire has never been to any of my living situations including visiting me during the 8 month stay in a nursing home. She never gave me any reason why she wasn't taking me in. She only said "No. Stay with mom." I can't convey based on the wealth of knowledge Claire has how much of a moron move that was. I actually feel more peaceful about this remembering Phoebe Prince.... 8/26/16 and as I read the above to mom her referring to it as shit just got more intense and as usual throughout life post-injury mom declared people are saying I'm crazy. On one blowout I recorded it for 3:11 mins and texted it to Novak at 4 pm. In one of the blowouts I told her about the irish immigrant injured in an accident in Chicago and he received MILLIONS.  That Irish immigrants do get justice in this country. and during one blow out I say to mom "and I'm going to die because of THIS???" and no response as usual. Today's blowout started over the peace in the house that was suddenly disrupted by mom's pain noises coming up the stairs and I didn't hold back saying in response "shut the fuck up!" and she said if I don't like it then leave (AS IF SHE HASN'T HAD 30 YEARS TO SAY THAT - it's only the senior and disabled groups that she FINALLY got involved with telling her that while they don't have the whole story from mom that there's more than just Christine developmentally disabled in this house).  (Today mom also did her backtracking to cover her tracks that when coming to visit me she never stayed in my homes or ate at my places due to not being able to get in my apartments / house. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. She was able-bodied in those days). ...Yesterday, after mom blew me off as a jerk saying Aunt Teresa only received crap from me (in the form of question marks in a text message) I had to call Aunt Teresa 10pm her time. Mom wouldn't answer the question as to how late Teresa stays up. After reading all my texts sent to Teresa to mom, I hit mom's speaker phone, called Aunt Teresa's cell phone and had to leave a voice mail saying "Teresa this is (me). I just found out you only received question marks from me. That's probably because I have an Android phone and you have a regular cell phone. I sent very important text messages to you, Louie, and Michael. I can email you those text messages but I don't know (if you have an email address)/what your email address is. OK. Bye."... well I gave it a stab around 2:30pm today. I already know an immigration lawyer won't be able to help me but it was an IRISH lawyer and I'm guessing around my generation or so. Mom has just been all by herself and doesn't have legal perspective of her injured children. When she got to this country she learned to only laugh at lawyers and has stayed stuck in that time capsule partially as her comfort. When mom was talking about meals on wheels yesterday I was surprised she was surprised I've had meals on wheels. It was during the time I was home-bound after the nursing home and we spoke everyday. She knew then. ... and at 5:35 pm Chris turned off the TV and I said "silence. Thank you Chris." and she acknowledged and soon after I "burp" and Chris laughs and starts to say "anything else?" and I say "something to cut through the silence" and Chris laughs some more and I burp again soon after and Chris laughs again. And mom is on the phone returning the phone call of her friend and mom is saying how glad she went on her trip. The friend who was probably here illegally that worked at the drug store up the street that is now demolished and made into a different store, has a sister named Katrina that mom met up with the two of them when over there for dinner. ... and last night some time after I commented on the Phoebe Prince documentary on youtube a grasshopper sat itself on my passenger window as it was half-way open which I only noticed after I drove away because there was something in the side of my eye and being frightened I put up the window and it was out of sight. When I got near mom's house I stopped under a street light to see if it was still there and it was so I had to let the window down a bit and try to make it go away. It slid down my window still staying there so I had to use the piece of grass I grabbed to take it off my car. Anyone who knows a Potsdam freakshow knows what this is. I don't even know all about the freakshow. Just left to be traumatized not knowing what happened to me. I have been dealt with in a wrong manner is an understatement. At least post-injury there have been things on the TV and radio that made me feel better so life went on. After shit happening to me out in the world, I came to realize at a certain point SOMETHING is not right. That the root of the problem is not being taken care of. Quite possibly that's what happened when I was possibly "discovered" after my time in front of the White House. With no one telling me anything my perceptions were already off and no one told them I didn't have cable to know what was going on (if I was even able to make sense of the abstract). Then on 9/14/01 someone supposedly cast a spell on me. 15 years later David Muir reports that shipwrecked on an island the S.O.S. was spotted in the sand to save them. I'm removed to know if that relates to me so I'm dying as scheduled as far as I know. My injury specifically entails the "abstract reasoning" part of the brain. It's only drugs I can attest to that have left this life to die. Whatever immigration protection exists, it obviously doesn't necessarily apply to offspring. Whatever evil is in the immigration process it left this loose cannon to not take care of me from a medical standpoint. ... 8/27/16 If this weren't such an issue, me saying "mom's a piece of work" could be viewed in a comical light. She just spoke to Teresa and it's possible Teresa hasn't listened to my voice mail yet because Aunt Maureen is still there. Any other time mom would be happy for the communication of me to anyone in Ireland but mom has come to the conclusion that I'm just her brat child not worthy (to be nice - if you think of how cold the situation was of Philomena, that is nice). She coldly snaps the question to Aunt Teresa speaking as if she doesn't know what a voice mail is and Aunt Teresa says she hasn't listened so I have no idea when Teresa will know.... and mom asked me if I wanted a Cadbury bar and I asked if it was fruit and nut because that's my favorite and mom said she has a fruit and nut for herself and I said "because that's your favorite too. Claire doesn't like fruit and nut." and mom said she brought back milk chocolate Cadbury for TJ and I said "NO it's always been Claire's favorite. Maybe TJ likes what his mother likes but that's Claire. And then you go into court and lie saying I'm disconnected from this house and don't know my family." And mom reaches out for some kind of defense and I say to give it up but she just continues until eventually gives up. As memories come back to my long-term memory, today in the blowout (did I even get through to mom?) that I learned how to drive long distances and I learned how to live in a pig stye. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M LIVING A LIFE APPROPRIATE FOR ME (I remember Claire a long time ago giving mom the peace about me that cleaning is just not my thing. FUCKING STUPID. (That reminds me when the cleaning lady was here recently she was listening to The Beach Boys and I said "Oh that was Stephanie's favorite." And mom agreed but didn't make an issue of it (or I didn't make an issue of how much I DO INDEED KNOW MY FAMILY) because someone from outside the home was present. ... Woke up around 2pm. That same steepness was in my dream. This time it was a staircase of the business complex newly built in my town. Business people were milling around both floors and when a woman with heels tried to get up the stair case she kept trying to get proper footing and couldn't. At that point they weren't stairs. She was trying to make steps out of the mud she was trying to get footing in. I THINK someone eventually gave her the option of the elevator that was under lock and key. As I contemplated how difficult and scary it would be to go up the stairs I asked for the key for the elevator and they wouldn't give it to me so I tried the steepness and I got up ok. I still don't think there were stairs on there but just like when I was in free fall in a car, I was more concerned with the ones at the bottom getting out of my way than I was about dying it was the same here that it was not a problem going up. After getting up, I really don't know why the steepness was a problem. It really wasn't the horror I thought it would be. The muddiness wasn't there for me as the woman with heels.  I think there was a worry of how I was going to get back down but dream ended. There was a lot of glass in the dream like glass see-thru floors. In waking life there was a blockade like when they wouldn't give me the key to the elevator - - trying to remember - - someone just flat out said no - - it's the attitudes (new?) that I notice around here. - - still can't remember. Anyway mom's being the usual inappropriate ass children with medical problems don't need. Claire just called around 3pm about coming to do things around the house and when I ask when Claire is coming she knows what I mean and pulls an attitude and I start yelling how I need to know these things instead of being violent. I simply need to not be here than be violent. That is a good enough answer for mom. That is the regular exhaustion I have to go through with this woman. Yesterday(?) - actually I think it was this morning as the situation started about the Cadbury and she felt empowered telling me I have to go because she's going to senior living which is not empowerment; it's abuse of a wrongly dealt handicapped child - as she disregarded my needs I went ballistic and she indicated talking like that is a problem and I couldn't spit out the words "that's what happens as my life is being raped" so my response was long-winded and not concise. I don't even remember what I said in response to this recklessness. 8/27/16 and there go my plans for the night as I nose dive down the hole of neglect that left me in the position I am. NEVER IMAGINED THIS WOULD NOT COME FULL CIRCLE WITH THESE UNEDUCATED IRISH WOMEN. The last time I thought about abstract reasoning it was before ever looking it up on the internet. It was a time of college degree focus. NOW it makes sense how making money off the internet doesn't connect with me. It's not concrete. Although I've said that for years and people passed me off as lazy and making excuses it explains the context of my medical life. Flashes of abuse by aunt Maureen I don't have a brain injury. CRASH. Reckless abandon of a special needs child. ... sobbing as I watch the bee gees on observe bringing me back to that exact time period. ... 8/28/16 and it's bittersweet that . I don't remember. Anyway I'm out of the house tomorrow because Claire will be here supposedly and actually that's what I forgot : bittersweet these children sent home to this guardian live under the same shadow she's done all this time: guiding and caring for these children based on guesses until she's backed into a dead end and only "has to do" something else" and our fate is left to that. Something clueless Claire is obliviously saying "she did her best" but a social worker is red-flagging. And I drink... and Claire will see the tomato she brought here from convent station is still sitting here and Claire wasted her time and her money. Mom likes tomatoes - something Claire only recently found out. ... 8/29/16 so THAT'S. why Claire is coming back tomorrow. Clueless is learning about red tape with Chris while I already know all about it. Mom and her story Claire was here doing laundry all the time. Nice try! Chris preparing to wash something at the sink made mom ask a million questions so that when I saw Chris washing like she used to 18 years ago and asked her about it she was very agitated at answering me. Enter Claire. I did not call or visit Chris at the nursing home but Claire did. As I've written before Claire doesn't sit with her on christine's level and do a puzzle but rather "talks". Is this what Claire talked to her about last time? ... 8/30/16 and there goes mom in her reckless medical life without a life jacket. Aunt Maureen is complaining to her about all these procedures and doctors she's talking about and mom just throws up defense after defense that mom has thought it out enough. These were handicapped children left with this woman. Have you noticed the Steven commercial off TV? How ironic. Kevin's son would be sixteen this year. Helen Rose would be around twelve(?). Less than ten days away from death. Jaw is in excruciating pain from whatever damage I did to it during sleep. ... 9/1/16 conversation started by mom asking if there's a mint scented garbage bags. Actually it started with the usual mincing of sentences and I had to stop her to clarify and christine made a noise to signify I was being rude but Chris doesn't understand that my life is destroyed by things like that. So anyway mom's clarification indicates to me she had a conversation with Claire omitting what those who live here know all about thus keeping up the pretty picture lie. This brought into the conversation a neighbor who had one of those moments of (me and this harassing bitch just had it out about money. I was not prepared for Claire to come here all these days at the end of the month. HARASSMENT so was driven to stop the harassment and I took the sleeping medication money I need. I offered to her there could be a blood bath here tomorrow instead and mom said there won't be because Claire will call the police. AS IF BRAIN INJURED BELONG IN JAIL! ESPECIALLY THE UNDIAGNOSED ONES - no wait that doesn't make sense - it's the diagnosed ones that can sue for recklessness - I think. So I say "oh our guardian doesn't know what to do and undiagnosed Claire does??? Way more shit went down. I'll get into it later but christine's brain injury reaction broke the elevator. I think my reaction broke it last time but there is no acceptance of my disability). Someone needs to protect me from this. ... so Claire's brain injury reactive symptoms that climaxed briefly in the driveway before crashing her car drunk into a telephone pole (by jumping on mom's back and mom's glasses flew off her face) have been willfully suppressed and exist their existence in the form of sarcasm and an unbalanced emotional existence. Dr victor paul Weirwille has taught emotions are just of the devil anyway but more on that later. So what preceeded today's harassment was updating mom about the neighbor who had one of those experiences he couldn't place my face away from the usual brief greeting in the driveway and I told mom we talked it out and I have no idea if he has a brain injury or not but that's a brain damage symptom I have out in the world that her and Claire are saying doesn't exist. I said to her "And I'm going to go out in the business world and not recognize people. Really????" That actually could have set the tone for what was to come. So after I told her I took the money I needed for sleep then she started in with what she pulled in court about me stealing money.She was just waiting for the glorious day for that to happen to use it against me. How peaceful I have what I need and there is silence instead of harassment. ... and I see that even though Chris had a chance to have a medical situation addressed over a 2 week period at a medical facility that according to mom happened 1ce "a hundred years ago" that it's still happening. But that's mom who doesn't answer medical questions honestly. ... 9/2/16 and mom is on the phone saying she needs to get help in here. Again I'm right here. ... a gofundme acct for over 2 years and nothing???? Who's doing this to me??? Catherine fallon who has connections in San Diego??? A sweat lodge wannabe type in St lawrence or Lewis counties???? A black witch???? Investigate all as I prepare for my last breath. I forgot to mention john Alan kaplan as another possibility. Finding peace in dying. When I walked into the police department 9/14/01 to file a report he said hi in a revealing way to me but what was he revealing? (A tone of "forget the friendliness" and more). As my syracuse native laundry friend said, there's some very dark energy in that area. I had a life. I had a life. I had a life before 9/14/01. I was. Who did this to me??? ... and I guess it's narcissism when mom is disconnected from her ability to sleep insisting her children who can't sleep from brain injury make her environment sleep-inducive by turning off the tv. As if! Just like I knew she's sleeping like a log while her brain-damaged child drinks themselves to sleep and Claire deserves a blood bath along w many others. ... and the evil spirit is at work. The one of harassment and torture that plagues sleep. The very dark existence out of St lawrence (?) as I cannot stay asleep and drink myself asleep for the 3rd time. When I return to spirit soon will I be tortured on the other side by something I don't know on this side or will this child's spirit finally be set free? I never had a belief lies and gossip could ruin a person's life but that is what happened and something very dark is left roaming near the canadian border. ... 9/3/16 to be explained nonmobile: how a brain-damaged child has a new stress of task completion and right up to today the stress is only compounded by the guardian who can't stop fucking freaking out. That is stress Claire was court-ordered out of while me and Chris had no escape. Today's stress was trying to complete a task and while backing up the reversible wheels of the chair hit into christine's crutch and the lifelong mom's response of seeing something coming of "JESUS!"( - just as an 8 y.o. child (me) sitting at the kitchen table and the napkin holder fell on its side and mom jumps up and screams "WHAT'S THAT?!") I freaked out first to let her know that's how she ruined lives. (Christine starts screaming at me to shut up which I assume is Christine's learned response from her shop because whenever any two people start fighting at work they get separated).  And no one is saving the lives of these children. This woman's overt reactions is not only a learned response that I paid a hefty price for out in the world but an eventual spirit destroyer especially when everything else has gone totally wrong including the final situation of the Surrogate's Court I was never told could provide for me after 18 FAILED ALL OF US. This is why it's so hard letting go of life because this is not my fault. We were traumatized children in a strange place called a hospital sent to more trauma at home and no intervention over the years to stop a loose cannon situation. In other words this is not my fault. Would I have reactions like that without this atmosphere? Most likely but when craziness begets craziness it's only that worse. I've seen my brain injured friend out in the world live in a home where there is not this craziness that when something falls all hell breaks loose. I've also come to understand how a special needs female needs a father (or someone) to step in and stop a relationship she doesn't want. ... 9/4/16 six days to leave this life The darkness in St lawrence co will win and my native american laundry friend is right because her mother's life was snuffed out there but I'm still a child and can only hope my bracelet will keep me safe to enter the afterlife. I will see dad and stephanie and relatives first. I then might reign terror upon the oil and gas people including dick cheyney. Returning to love I don't know if reigning terror happens? I have every intention. Tom Natel, George Pataki, Sandra and David Gould, Deanne M Wilson. Oh and in case they're divorced sandra's maiden name will come back to me; the entire village of potsdam but eternity will better direct me when I gain full understanding and have been returned whole from the 1/4 or less human I've been made into from brain injury. Sandra's maiden name starts with her middle initial C. Catherine F. Kaplan followed suit. Still a child. ... 9/5/16 And my mind is plagued. It came back to me that when mom recently started talking about my money problems and I shouldn't be paying storage rent dismissing it as junk, I could hear Claire's influence. That is deadly, Illuminati, Princeton University, Dr. Victor Paul Weirewille influence. ... 9/6/16 as Tracy Morgan was supposed to be on the view and mom was sitting right there I said for her to watch it so she could learn something about me and mom cluelessly asked me about my house and I freaked out how removed she is. So w 4 days left (less than 3. The Labor day holiday threw me off) mom springs into action and learns the runaround. Airhead calls and probably senses something wrong and mom doesn't mention a word about me until I start yelling in the background. Claire actually does something (HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU SERIOUS?) and puts some phone calls out. THE MISSING LINK IS CLAIRE WILL NOT REPRESENT ME FROM THE STANDPOINT I'M DISABLED. Mom refused to watch Tracy Morgan citing all else she had to do. That's nothing new in all the needs this disabled child missed out on. ... DRUGS well atleast a little over 3 days left Claire knows where to go get lies about my life: potsdam. Well atleast with a bunch of people. The Adirondacks can many times tell tall stories - mostly the women. ... no call back to mom from Claire tonight. 3 days away and she finally gets it?! (less than 2 days away - the holiday of labor day threw me off). I've left my blog address w her before and all she said is she doesn't go on facebook. It's not facebook but since mom is the gatekeeper all recklessness is possible. Tick tock tick tock ... 9/7/16 so I have to wonder if Claire has her life flashing before her eyes like I did when all I received in the mail was something from the Surrogate's court telling me what would happen with Christine. Claire receives info my house is going up for auction Saturday (DAH! IS HER BRAIN DAMAGED AND BRAIN WASHED SELF PAYING ATTENTION YET? If she's done any RESEARCH on the internet yet about things available for a brain damaged 6 year old and has a fucking clue what I've been trying to point out to her for 3 years - whatever not now). ... so it's obvious to me Lori Fernandez is a relative of our old insurance contact Sharon Fernandez. The woman mom told off many times and helped our lives go down this path. Then after my 1992 surgery I told her off and she was kind of speechless and surprised and retired. My mother had kind of a laugh about her as she confirmed with the rehab nurse case manager at the time, Michael Flemming, a man - just the way mom wanted it. I think mom's thoughts were that it's easier to pull the wool over a man's eyes than a woman's. There's a better way of wording that. Does Claire even know all this??? Probably not. That's how disconnected Claire is which is exactly ALSO how mom wants it. Anyone able to piece all this together has 2 days and less. ... fucking irked! young people indiscriminately taking pictures of people without asking! Yes I'm guilty ONCE as I saw a horse owner traveler taking the horse for a walk (in Cheyenne, WY) same as if traveling with a dog. I had never seen that before. A teen(?) couple just here eating and I saw from the corner of my eye, the boy who had his back to me leaned to the right and I looked up and the female was holding the phone out. I only saw that the top of the phone was pointing my way and I have no idea if these phones have changed to have a camera along the top edge or if she took a pic quickly and that's the only thing I saw. I looked right at her and we caught eye contact and she didn't look back which tells me she's guilty. My fucking god what's the new rules for this stuff???? A pic compared to eternity? Whatever. So back to Claire; she would be shitting bricks because all this time she's been putting me down of how I'm taken care of in life (uplifting her own religion that god provides yet the whole time she has some very important relevant missing information. She's so brain damaged and brain washed she can't see the light of day. Shitting bricks because it's all too clear too late by a woman who keeps it that way - mom. If Claire even gives this a second thought. smh.... 9/9/16 I may still have stuff from yesterday. I have to transfer some stuff here: 9/7/16 much put directly on blog. Perfect! I get to die in peace. Claire has to go to GA coz they're picking up his deceased father's car. And I just verified the illusions that make up this life. It turns out I did NOT press save but had all kinds of comforting thoughts. I asked mom about "the reading of the will" and mom said it's just going to her "like it should." WHO'S THE GOLD DIGGER HERE? Mom brought me up to not "go backwards" and my man should have money. She said a reading of a will is only for millionaires and I questioned about leaving things for children and I don't remember the response but I said how when the uncle of a handicapped advocate died the uncle left a lot to him and mom said "well maybe because he had nothing the uncle left all to him." I just keep trying to make sense of this. My father's aunt who died in a NYC wave breaker couldn't be found in a death record. The researcher told me many back then couldn't afford an obituary. Even if I'm the return of Mary Kate's spirit it makes no sense I'm in a family that can afford things yet no proper records of me will be kept. Everyone's too oblivious. No one's going to cherish my stuff enough to investigate me? ... feel much anxiety at times so I look things up to feel at peace with my "decision." Life rape was never supposed to happen. If I'm in that much pain it should be ok? Mom never told Claire about the county attorney because mom doesn't understand. Life rape was never supposed to happen to me. ... 9/8/16 I have nothing for 9/8/16 but I found it ironic there's something on Google+ called The Church of the Way International and they are definitely not open about their beliefs. As I look at their website I have  the memory that Claire left mom in pain the first time by going to "The Rock in OH." THERE'S A LOT OF BAD IN OHIO. I'm left with the memory of mom crying on the phone "how could you do this to me?" as Claire then left to go complete her mission in Oregon. Mom's going to be crying again. Mom's going to be crying again. I'm up against a wall. No one is listening and taking care of this. ... I reword that. There are people listening and maybe there are many with hands tied. It's kind of like ... just not worth at this point.... as much as I've been living under precious illusions I need to stop the madness. I truly have been living under illusions of self comfort. And as the brain injury related racing thoughts kick into place I say I must go but not sure when. Moments of peace and moments of chaos.... so it's almost time to go. Illusions talked through that the Native Americans have the Federal Government over-riding the judge. I have none of that in all I know. If I do I'm out of time. I can no longer fight for myself and no one is intervening for all I know. I guess it won't be the first time lack of information has killed someone. For real the lack of knowledge about air, land, and water pollution has killed before. It's almost  time to go. ... oh perfect the unexpected. The person from Ireland I met recently I met again tonight. I just need to do what I need to do. I handed her info for mom because not only is mom going to need an outside spring board to understand all this but mom will be able to put into better perspective that I'm not lying about brain injury. She reminded me of the old saying it's only mortar and bricks but I have nothing less. It's time for me to go now. As I was saying the federal govt stepped in over the judge for the native americans but I don't have that. Me stick around for the hope something is going to change at this point? I never got to give her this blog info or me online. ... This was supposed to be THE END of this blog because I was not supposed to still be here. 9/9/16 9:30 pm and I'm still here. The precious illusions that mom has met up with the irish woman etc. Illusion that maybe mom got a room for the night to not be here. ... mom's home 9:46 pm. I mute the tv because I want silence like Chris many times wants. My name isn't called. ... 9/10/16 still here w a potsdam freak show happening. Laying in bed all night and day as my life is raped yet again. Reading - a marked point in time that if things weren't so hush-hush and I wasn't hated I could have known and done something about this. Initially I wasn't hated. My misperception in social situations brought it on (somewhat). Instead they kind of bit the hand that fed them. They didn't understand that john kaplan isn't all that and needed the right woman to bring out the best in him. Instead john was placed under the enemy category and I got caught in the crossfire of those labeling values. ... I'm sitting here with all I need after 10 pm. I even took a step to start the process. It seems that easy to jump. I have to believe no one is going to save me. Standing Rock raised a lot of money on gofundme and they deserve it. I have zero and so death is the only option. Flashes growing up of telling mom what the mediator told me at 15 about stress and all mom would do was laugh. Of course it solicited a rage response that was used against me instead of taken care of in a brain injury context. It's that easy to let go. Yeah right. Incubus acts up even now when I started typing. No one saved me from this spell for 15 years. ... 9/11/16 the way things have gone the weather stays crappy as long as things are going my way. Perhaps if I pull out of life now obama or the one after him will backtrack on standing rock sioux. Playing this minute by minute and have all I need. Hearing mom's constant going on as she leaves the house exhausting medically needy children with stress. As I am beside myself. Checking weather. ... weather not going my way. Remember when clouds hung over Syracuse for a month in 2006? That's when I was working. The sun finally broke when they decided they would no longer keep me. ... just reading up on the lies of dr victor paul Wierewille and it turns out Claire had misinformation or lied that he died in the 90s. Remembered back to Gary from Jamesville ny who was fired from the way because he refused to believe people don't have legitimate medical situations. He wouldn't get involved in guardianship proceedings. Erin never got my messages. I had no witnesses. I feel like getting drunk for a while. ... and that I am. Never having a man (that I want to be with) to share my life with. The true friend I am with none. I never made close undeniable friends after freshman and sophomore yrs of high school. Many acquaintances and very friendly with but idk something missing. Erin can't talk to me because I'm still trying to resolve the past; Lorraine is hard to figure out but being a nurse she probably fully realizes my mother took her for a ride at the beauty parlor when Lorraine did her hair and got to know the European Southern Comfort side of mom and said she no longer wanted to get involved because my mother was "sweet" compared to the time Lorraine called and got yelled at by my mother for being a bad influence on me. etc. When mom told me to move back down here no mention of going to brain injury meetings. No mention she didn't have a clue. Kevin didn't help matters. Had the best time with Colleen Spooner after senior prom and then Carl tells kevin I said something so they don't want to hang out anymore. No explanation on what I said. It's ok to go. Just let go. Trying ... the above posts I don't read often but seeing how I'm still saying the same 2 years later is making this easier. Oh I know the latest thing that might keep me around: finding out if the illusion is real that Claire will still look into my house. ... just read a lot of these posts to mom and instead of conversation started yelling at me how it's all shit. She even denied the dentist visit and said it was her own dentist. That christine's dentist doesn't have a ramp. ... just read a bunch of these into Claire's voicemail. She's driving back from Georgia. Left about 3 voicemails. No radio. No tv. The worst thing I did was try to reason with mom. ... taking a drink instead tonight. Remembering when my ex's oldest sister got pregnant out of wedlock, for 17 years the sister was treated how I'm being treated. No real comparison. I could sure use a dose of the healing prayer put out by standing rock. . . Had very nice dream 24(?) hrs ago that a very good looking johnny depp started kissing me and I pulled away saying he's married and he got very cranky but I insisted on keep hugging me. I didn't want to lose his support. Dream ended w him opening the sky. ... flashes of mom's deadly and inappropriate behavior of turning on the radio to drown out the reading of my everyday experience and this handicapped child identifies with the native children who died at the hands of nuns. The Canadian children as early as 1966. ... memories of some horrible things done to me in potsdam; I first had a flashback that when I moved into the rent to own house I started to go to the open mic night at Strawberry fields and in the parking lot behind the stores 2 men in a truck were seen bashing into my car but no one would get involved. My insurance dropped me after that. When I moved into my house someone placed a dead rat on my driveway and steve ballan said someone else had the same happen to them so they called the cops. I can't remember what order if Strawberry Fields happened first or the student from baldwinsville turned into me and totalled my car (as I was going to watch some TV in the student lounge) and his passenger said he told the driver not to "do it." Just a life of being fucked and just waiting for the end. One thing that kept me right where I was is exposing and getting justice for what is very wrong in potsdam. I got no justice. Eventually I got a peanut $10,000 settlement from the landlord's insurance who laughed after seeing the gutter of her house fall on my car, who is the reason I had to withdraw from school for a semester, who put her own demise in writing which led to the settlement. How much is my life worth???? That same Gould landlord blocked in my car when I took matters into my own hands getting a handicapped spot and the police wouldn't do anything. That was before I had to withdraw. The division of human rights Natel didn't note the harassment. Natel only complained how I acted. What about what kicked this off of plumbing problems in the house when sandra called me up to tell me she's cleaning shit out of the basement. Embarrassed I gave an immediate possibility that I've been using tissues and all hell quietly broke loose. In hindsight I had seen mr. Hyde using a hose in the basement but he wasn't a moron like sandra. Actually mr Hyde was renting an illegal apartment as was discovered by moron overcharging water sewer trash bills and pocketing some money for herself. So as much as I loved and respected mr Hyde, he jury-rigged plumbing to make one apartment into two and it caused my future to go down the drain as the snowball only grew. The village had down a 2 aptmt house and it actually was three. When the guy who managed pizza hut moved in upstairs with wife Lisa Bonneville I had to live with farting anytime he came home because there was no insulation between the ceiling and the floor upstairs. Something very specific spoke to me about the girl murdered on rock island road by her boyfriend. Could that have been mr Hyde? Then a judge who was eventually thrown off the bench ok'd the eviction of me with the lie of sandra gould that she was remodeling the house so i'd have to go. The aptmt was put up for rent the next week while I was left living in norfolk in an aptmt across from a restaurant and had to use only bottled water EVEN FOR MY DOG because the water had a foul or sweet smell to it. The landlord's sister agnew lived next to me but I only wanted to keep to myself. I had some interactions with her but brain injury social trauma has always been a huge problem. She told me across the street (not on the restaurant side) the firemen she knew were doing a controlled fire for the insurance money. My home insurance is still good. I don't know what's going to happen there. The water in norfolk had a FOUL smell to it. I'll never get over the exhaustion this handicapped child had to go through out in the world with no sister support, no friend circle support, father, brother., etc. At least I was a stepping stone for kevin who was the first in his family to graduate college and has a wife and kids like he wanted. And as I take the last turn of my life mom's on the phone lying to her primary that no reason could be found for christine's fall, meanwhile PT is what strengthened christine's knee and arm. It reflects the childish ways of mom yesterday. ... everything is all set. I'm especially at peace if the catholic church in Ireland is saying how wrong the stigma of condemnation is. It's just a matter of actually carrying out the act. I have no problem getting numb through drunkeness but I'm painfully aware painfully hurtful  this old fashioned irish is. All my pictures except one are taken down. It's only a matter of accepting numb w/o waking up to finish this life. I recorded and sent to my gmail acct when mom is making all these calls all over the place in her 80s what she needed to do for us in her 40s. Mom is having to do the red tape of services that I've been doing for 20 years. And she laughed or made a dismissal noise when I told her I needed her to do that for me as a child. Everybody is happy if they're not dealing with the reality of all of us. Just a little while ago mom said to someone in the phone "oh my gooooood" the same dragged out way aunt Maureen does it so my illusions are telling me that's aunt Maureen's response after hearing about my house. That's the same she did when I told her about everything all these years. Followed up by doing nothing about it. Mom is going out a lot yesterday and today as I hide out. That's the same she did when my father died. All of a sudden her and Chris went everywhere and I was all alone. Mom would ask if I wanted to go many times. Of course not!! We were the laughing stock freaks of the neighborhood. Christine was an embarrassment to me. Claire was nowhere to be found but the point is I finally recognize she's running from the problem instead of getting help from someone else. Nowadays she submitted herself to the handicapped groups but won't be identifying me as handicapped. Before mom wouldn't answer me about if Claire said she would listen to my messages so I went to mom's speaker phone and mom flinched as I did so as if I were going to hit her. In the 5th message I left Claire since yesterday (1 from my phone) I said this was happening and (I don't remember all I said) but Claire is in extreme unhealthy denial not able to decipher a needy life crying out in devastation. I told her she better save my messages or maybe give them to a lawyer and pray she's not too late. That we're all handicapped and all need to be taken care of...9/13/16 and after I got home from my local american native day I saw how Claire is in her clueless, half-thinking teen years just by how she stores slices of pizza. Injured before the age of majority really shows. I need to get away from this lie. ... 9/17/16 dream: I was 1/2 thinking what I was doing as I flushed the toilet and I don't remember if I dropped my only working credit card into the back of the toilet or into the bowl as I flushed being momentarily paralyzed by "this goes here?" I then reached for it after flushing and it was cut into 4 parts but still one card which revealed there is a cutting razor that turns to cut the toilet paper. I thought how tape should work so I can tape it back together and use it (as I rejoined two female friends - a blond and a brunette - at our fancy restaurant table) end of dream. Claire's medical cluelessness shown through yesterday but it's actually consistent with this family falling apart rather than coming together. I left the house earlier than usual and came home the time Claire left other days. I did a bit of robocalling since this is usually nothing extraordinary. Since I didn't recognize the car in front of the house, I parked several places around town and waited. Mom pulled into the driveway so I drove next to her and found out mom spent the day at the emergency room while Claire stayed home with christine. Christine could have gotten out of the house and mom didnt have to do it alone. It's also consistent my nephews never went to the wake and funeral of their only grandfather recently. That partially has to do with The Way belief system instilled on them. ... just as I've said Chris stopped doing some things because mom is throwing around the word CRAZY. Chris reluctantly said ok for me to put on her game shows. 45 mins later mom walks out and refers to them as crazy and I remind mom of the damage she did with that and they may throw that word around in NYC but everything changed once she was left to care for brain injured. That is protection we NEVER had in being released home from the hospital. (As I said mom always pointed for me to live in NYC. She had all her hopes and dreams on me and Claire was written off. She refused to go at it from a medical standpoint.When mom called me up to see if I'd live in  co-op near Aunt Maureen it was inappropriate planning). 2 minutes later regarding an upcoming dance she did the same thing and I pointed it out after Chris gave a negative response. ... 9/18/16 so Claire is having mom shred all her banking records and Claire is taking them away to the dumpster all based on Claire knowing someone who had a stranger acquaintance have it happen to them that someone taped their info back together. Is Claire taping mom's info back together? What were the habits of this acquaintance? Did Claire even consider? I reminded mom she got rid of my medical records for a belching sonogram that I have no legal recourse now if the hospital discarded the microfilm of those records. Good thing I remember "new york community bank" as a source in case it's shredded. This is the absolute legal void stupidity our legally injured lives were left to. ... as a matter of fact I used to try to talk to Claire about worries of identity theft and Claire wouldn't talk to me about it. She already put her faith in the protection "we have" and worry was only going to bring on problems. More divide from family so I'm left in no place. It's the same pattern with our parent's will. A grandmother in CA told me it's ok to TALK about it - which is all I was doing but Claire blew it out of proportion I was somehow after mom's money. ... 9/19/16 so I was going to report other happenings but I just discovered a note and will be voice recording, in Claire's handwriting are numbers for "eldercare locator to refer to proper agency; behavior results in inflicting anguish, mental pain, fear, or distress; national center for prevention of elder abuse; and NJ adult protective services." IF YOU READ MY BLOG I ALREADY WROTE DOWN THESE NUMBERS FOR MOM so we could get my medical abuse out of the way and focus on hers; meaning let's call in the elder abuse people to get to the bottom of the child/medical abuse that is causing this. Mom didn't tell Claire I already gave her this info??? DAH! WHAT ELSE IS NEW? I'll tell you. I call today and (oh so THAT'S why mom hung up with a sweet sounding voice today!). ask mom what the situation is and ask who's bringing home dinner. As I say ok I'll stop at McDonalds which Claire helped identify in the background mom is apologetic to christine and christine throws a fit Claire wouldn't know about w/o me. I then hear mom say Claire went outside. Why? She's praying to god for me? For christine who supposedly is retarded where she doesn't have emotions and feelings? For her own sad mistake she made in court? For the computer research she jumped on 20 years too late? Does she not know I called adult protective services for ME after losing to a political whirlwind at morris county surrogate's court??? Way more to say on this issue. How ironic that today mom started freaking out over Claire's writing I was reading off mom's plain white computer paper about local taxi info I already did with her. Claire has learned how to do generic google research? The screw broke off one side of mom's walker as I crashed back into her as I endured disability abuse from the only guardian I've known since age 12. Child abuse? Incompetent abuse? Or elder abuse? Let's go back to morris county surrogate's court to find out. Just remember Princeton Illuminati graduate dr victor paul Wierewille has them by the balls. Claire's handwriting is less squiggly and expressive than it used to be but exhibits the healthy dose of sexual needs we all have. ... 9/20/16 so Claire seems desperate to make me look like the problem. 20 brainwashed years too late Claire is on the level I needed family support on -the internet. Her generic google research on taxis yielded no viable results. Has Claire looked up my life? When I heard mom say "We'll see what happens" (on the phone with Claire) I got a feeling HOURS LATER. that Claire was talking about turning me in as an abuser. Mom is probably well aware her outbursts are a perfect match to mine only mine are very much controlled by medical knowledge that mom started to be informed about when I was 15 and Claire was only 3 years removed from this house. 20 years ago I was cop-calling happy like Claire is now. Wait until she is innocently injured by them. ... 9/21/16 not enough sleep and mom pulls shit about what I use for sleep. She then does one of her play stupid and I lose it. She then does her new "get out" routine and I scream "sure throw away what you couldn't be an adequate guardian for." ... On late show with the guy from Montclair peeps for christopher, isolation - how ironic. ... and there she fucking goes denying the monsters she created. Denying with comfort from Claire. ... One fucking hour b4 alarm and stupid is holding her face dismissing we belong in family court, not criminal court as Claire is influencing her. ... still not asleep with 40 mins left to sleep. Dumbass reciting Claire dutifully. Funny how. ... the time to get up came and went with a snooze button. I hear mom get a callback about a dr she has to go to. Even the way she addresses drs shows her inappropriateness. I tell mom that means she needs to tell Claire not to come. HARASSMENT. then mom is all wishy-washy as to tomorrow or Friday. HARASSMENT. My rage is only building. MONTHS AGO I TOLD MOM ABOUT ALTERNATE TRANSPORT ACCESS-A-LINK AND MOM DECLARED THERE WAS NO WAY. SOCIAL WORKER IS TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT. KEEP PUSHING ME. Voice recording of mom denying access-a-link and my own diagnosis (particularly Sussex ave in morristown voc-rehab) sent to Claire's phone, James Novak phone, and Michael idell who specifically told me he can't help me with these voice recordings. The evidence needs to go someplace and Claire is 20 years too late in using the internet when she isolated me by not even using an email address. I'll never get over this burden unduly put on me. ... and as I listen to that recording over and over and the child will wind up abused again. Claire just called here around 3:20pm and I think how alone I've been from Claire refusing to get on the internet (possibly also due to brain-damage overload) now that her kids are out of the house she'll try something new? Does she now get texts on her phone? Why is no one saving this family? ... so mom came home and I rephrased the question about Claire tomorrow and mom said definitively "Claire's not coming here tomorrow." And those are The Mood Swings of Our Lives. We need rehabilitation. Not a soap opera. ... I see mom called Claire at 4:42pm today and Claire called her back 2 mins later. (Claire also called her 3 times on 9/12/16). She talked to her for 22min57s today so that means they probably spoke from the diner parking lot because mom was home about 20 mins later. 9/22/16 getting Unexpectedly numb as the overwhelming inability to give us adequate care post injury. Another recording yesterday when mom is calling me a liar that untreated seizures don't worsen brain damage. Of all the boys mom beat up as a child she deserves to have the shit punched out of her for the harassment she got away with of children with medical needs. ... mom and Chris left today around 12:30pm. Mom called for dinner at 4:30pm and mom had to go to 2 dentists and I asked if christine went to the bathroom. Mom said no but she's ok. I'm not sure if she added " but what can I do?" I'm right here and these children did not belong being cared for by another child. When Chris got home I asked her if she got to go to the bathroom at the Diner and she said yes and I asked when they got there or as they were leaving and she said as they were leaving but then she went right into the bathroom so it doesn't make sense she would have to go to the bathroom only 20 minutes later. Mom told her to lie? That would be nothing new. ... this unwelcomed harassing immigrant doesn't want the Tv on as she tries to fall asleep but I say nothing as I look to see what's on late night. Turn it off as I find my phone more interesting. Hour later remember Lawyer John (?) will be on nightline in jacksonville fla. Maybe it was the rolling on the hardwood floors that woke her up but I put the tv back on and return her harassment when she tries to say I have no business keeping the tv on. Who has business harassing instead of appropriately caring for medically needy children in this country? Who slept through christine getting up and staying up at 2am for years before being put on seizure meds? Who received a call from christine's school she was falling asleep in class? Who snored through me being stalked by a man I didn't want to be with when I was under 18 and he was over 18? It still sounds like she's not asleep. GOOD. Get a taste of it bitch. Get a taste of the harassing hell we were left in. Die so you finally understand the hell you left children in. I sound like I bite the hand that feeds me? That's all this useless immigrant knows how to do for medically needy children in a land she doesn't belong in. Reminded the bitch about how I know Chris only started sleeping through the night when put on seizure medication (because I was here for the before and after) and all she does is harass. DIE BITCH! ... mom is reminiscing with AM as to where she will wind up living because this house is too much for her. The woman I bought my house from said same soon after her husband died. The date is 9/23/16. Just can't take the bitter cold of a child being left for dead like this simply because Claire is brain-washed into thinking "when I was a child I thought as a child and as an adult I think as an adult." Sounds viable but is missing how everything changes when brain damaged before the age of majority. Just to be stiff as a board before being an abandoned disabled adult. And now mom is munching on some snack while death is the only option seen by her vulnerable children left so recklessly alone. Mom even asked AM about tenants moving out of her co-op. And mom talked to her about someone named Jean who knew someone that moved to Cali where their son was because their daughter couldn't care for them and I reminded mom we already had this talk about senior living in syracuse even though I didn't have a future there and I asked mom why she's not having Claire take care of her right here instead of moving. NO ANSWER. mom's conclusion is she doesn't need anyone caring for her. SCREAM TO IMPOSSIBILITY. Recording sent to Gmail of mom avoiding the issue of providing life planning for her handicapped children. ... 9/24/16 w/o enough preparation Claire is coming here today. I'll hang out downstairs. I hope clueless sees my car and takes off. Mom who can't handle life or the situation should have told her. ... as my life was raped and further destroyed. I don't know why out of the blue Christine Dopp entered my thinking before my second dose of sleep just like some girls from early highschool entered my dreams once. Feeling my life flash before my eyes. Feeling abused as a developmentally disabled. Feeling stress. Mom's going out w/o Claire here and said it doesn't matter if she comes while mom is gone. Mom won't answer where she's going. I discovered a new choking method to die. It's actually pretty peaceful. I just can't handle what. Maybe Claire will leave with my car in the driveway. Just can't handle. What was done to me. Can't. I need a better set up. Mom won't say where she went. 14 mins til Claire supposed to be here. Something doesn't make any sense about the parking for Claire to come here without mom here.Claire not here yet at 11:01am. 11:08 and I hear doors closing. Now the mail truck. No garage door opening. Chris got up upstairs. She must have gone to the bathroom. Almost 20 after and still no Claire. Where did mom go? Did I foil something by being here today? Could just be precious illusions like I had yesterday when I spent all day out and then learned Claire never came supposedly coz she didn't feel good. Garage opened. Think it's Claire. It's not mom's car. Heard a car muffler b4 door opened. Horn blowing. (Oh light bulb on 9/26/16. The horn was to tell Claire mom is home). That would be mom. Shadows moved across the window. That would be Claire or a bird. Is Chris doing dishes upstairs? It's mom. She's here at 12:05pm. I have no idea of the conversation taking place due to good insulation. Claire DID come downstairs and went back out front door. The rape of my life. So the precious illusions were that Claire was "sick" yesterday due to someone informing her how this was done all wrong and mom and Claire only won their case because the judge abused discretion over a family. Rape of my life. Claire does text because something bad happened at Rutgers that it was on the news so Claire texted tj about it. The rape of my life I so needed family as the modern times were changing and I was all alone. Claire still talks to Chris as if she's a stranger. Claire plays the friendly visitor card same as usual instead of treating Chris from a human and medical point of view. The rape of my life. Claire just asked mom about IBM - if she takes the dividends or rolls them back in. That is a conversation (sort of) me and mom used to have. I told Christine's attorney (or the court) about that. Mom didn't initially deny it. The rape of my life. Claire also asked if mom called the numbers she gave her. I kept those numbers. Mom didn't answer either of those questions because mom knows the house has ears. The friendly visitor referred to "mom's friend" instead of by name. That's how uninvolved Claire is. Mom said Claire wouldn't be coming downstairs but sure as shit Claire is doing the wash. Mom has a problem with her Ireland house of septic leaking. And there's Claire's undiagnosed brain injury complaining about the buzz noise coming out of the radio. The rape of my life. And friendly visitor asked Chris cluelessly "not watching your game shows today???" and Chris said no and Claire said something about the game show network. Christine is being embarrassed/bullied into not watching what she enjoys. Claire didn't think that had a huge effect on MY life? Fucking STUPID. It's very possible mom never told Claire Chris only knows about it because of me. The rape of my life. Chris is sure to feel comforted in watching it when I'm around. The rape of my life. I'm pretty sure I have all those unanswered texts I sent to Claire 2 years ago. Now Claire is talking to mom about saving the records for when she sells this house like from getting the roof done and the sliding door to be replaced. The rape of my life. Surprising to hear mom say to Claire how horrible things are. Now down here Claire mumbled to herself what she just said to mom "never (ever) again." That is a tone of Claire keeping her opinion under raps - something she has learned well to do for the sake of the sect that keeps this family away from thinking we need a lawyer for justice in SO MANY things. And I opened the door to try to go to the bathroom and Claire was there and stopped to backtrack what the noise was and I closed the door and she made an exasperated sarcastic noise/laugh. When I went to the bathroom I took one of these old crutches we have stored here with me as I just might beat her to a pulp if she approaches me. I'm keeping one with me at all times. ... for all I know Claire is being texted 1/2 ass information from these updates only the filtered parts of what the reader deems important aka "rape of my life" is not important but the fact she texts is. And Claire is now friendly laughing with christine as she watches her game shows and someone texted her about the game shows? It's going to be a long drinking night. Claire has the gall to talk to mom about DDD for Chris. I'm caught between leaving this world behind and all the unfinished business left here. No one doing appropriate for these children. Flashes of Claire pointing out I can type just fine and flashes of Terra Maggio telling me people were saying I was on drugs because I got such a low grade in the typing class. And in the end the abandon with no idea what was coming and this terrorist in America. And Claire is giving her convincing conversation about the insanity plea in America vs other countries. And the rape of my developmental life continues. I so needed to change with modern life WITH immediate family but instead all alone with email, texting,internet. Claire only saw the "evil" in all these things but she'll say no because she didn't use the word evil. All alone. Not how this family was supposed to be. Mom throws out a straw here or there instead of full-blown help. Lies that untreated seizures don't worsen brain damage. With the pack rat mom is and all the times Claire is here and considering the home life I was left to, does Claire get it what I was left to that shaped this life? Claire doesn't really casually conversate back to mom. That's where I get that from. Just like all the flashes of how rude Claire was in this house (understandably because she was the blame for her sister being dead). Mom had a Good Housekeeping magazine from a year ago. That's no uncommon way for me to live. All alone. Clueless doesn't know or get the hearing amplification that comes with certain brain injuries. She's asking Chris if she can hear the low tv and then adds "with the shredder" and Chris says yes. I was probably mistaken when I said background noise affects all of us. I don't think it affects Chris. It's 4pm. I don't see how they will make it to church today. Mom had said she has to take a shower. Claire is able-bodied to do stairs. Claire didn't have broken bones like we did. Claire doesn't have a clue. She keeps bringing down bags of stuff using the stairs. Mom laughs at Claire's conversation but the opposite is not true. I remember Claire talking to me about how you hold on to a house because through time the value goes up so you make a profit when you sell it. If miracles happen Claire will connect the dots and understand all the help I didn't have. Claire has never been to any of my apartments, my house, or dorms. All alone. No one is acting in my best interest. I was probably meant to not be here anymore. Claire finished 1 bag of shredding and put it in her trunk. The friendly aloof visitor. I don't feel like waiting anymore to drink. Guess they're not going to church. ... Claire doesn't even hear herself. She tells mom she's going to have to do something because Claire can't keep doing this. She then tells mom that mom has no system of organization.meanwhile my brain injury is all about deficits in organization. Smh. Mom then tells her she's worried about taking Chris to Kessler this week alone. Claire doesn't offer to drive her. Claire is disinvolved from hospitals. She never even visited me in the nursing home. Fake and shallow. I did not want to come into contact with her but Claire insisted on leaving with them. I had written down "Nacho Supreme with chilli and cheese extra sour cream no red sauce spice/peppers on side" on the back of a paper plate. Had no interaction with Claire as I handed her the plate and I think Claire actually walked out or was standing there - not sure. ... 9/25/16 have to wonder (if Claire has any left) if her non-biblical intuition finally realized how much she fucked up but maybe those are more precious illusions kicking in. As all were leaving yesterday Claire's laughter and supposed light-heartedness became more intense. Mom and Claire both hit the downstairs light switch at the same time unaccomplishing the task of turning it on. "Happy Claire" became intensely laughing to christine as I kept opening the door to see if mom was there. I walked out with the opportunity to slip mom the appetizer as I could and Happy Claire's laughing became more intense. Does she do all that work to lighten the situation, to make fun of me, to??? Claire's happy brain-washing omits how happy all the time I was on zoloft which answers how a chemical compensated for the biological damage of the human brain. Happy brainwashed Claire in complete denial and choiceful bliss away from the profound needs of a child hospitalized for 8 months with lifelong needs and threw away christine's modern rehabilitative potential like all the rest. Happy Claire. ... with yesterday's trauma I forgot all about the nature situation I was supposed to go to. ... and mom is wasting more money by having the taxi take her to Kessler rather than me. I think it's the same Kessler we went to which you don't have to take 80. (9/26/16 - it's a different one). I told mom she's wasting her money and no response. 9/26/16 like watching Josh groban on Kelly. Wish she would choose him as a permanent co host. Rape by hearing hillary was in northern las vegas. How ironic. Didn't I just say online yesterday it was my first chosen place to die? ... 10/3/16 So the honeymoon is over. For the first couple days Claire was at mom's she would make sure Christine got out for a ride while Claire went and picked up dinner. Flashback to when Claire walked out of the house recently as Christine threw a temper tantrum that she wasn't going to go out that day. Better late than never I realize there has been a conscious decision for Claire to not do what she had done in the beginning (I think). And there it is again: Claire's disconnection to her original family. She most likely is thinking my mother is to take care of her kids her way. Key point airhead is missing is mom CAN'T take care of her kids from a medical standpoint like they need to be cared for. Everything changed after our car accident. Has everyone forgotten that??? Even with Claire giving the special needs to her special needs child, she can't connect those dots. So after Claire said today she's leaving shortly and it was only 10:15 am and I missed a lot I was going to do because I needed to leave the house before an air vortex elicited rage, the sun started coming out. Whatever was done to me spiritually it all points to something very bad going my way. My time and experiences have been at/with the environmental situation going on lately instead of here.10/4/16 I nailed it with today's blowout when I ended with "You wouldn't want to be educated ma. Ignorance is bliss with the things you've done." That sounds harsh because mom did a lot ONLY IN THE CONTEXT of nothing's wrong a.k.a all medical issues are taken care of. It started this morning when I was doing my morning rush of being ready to leave the house before 11am. The power went out for a while and when it came back on it disturbed a light that goes on and off by itself all the time (the china cabinet). She wanted me to put it off. When I didn't see how to turn it off I told her Claire will be here in 1/2 hour she can do it. For some strange reason this particularly did not sit well with mom. I have no idea why. It was really no big deal to wait a 1/2 hour. When Christine screamed from her room for me to shut up, I railed into Christine how much she doesn't know this is all over her welfare not being taken care of and how she has worse brain damage because she was left with mom. Mom does her denial that I'm lying about that YEAH RIGHT. Also... 10/5/16 how the conversation went: mom heard the TV ad Fiddler on the Roof and asked me if I was in one of those plays and I said no but one of the brothers from one of the families from grammer school was in the broadway version. She said she thinks it was done at my second HS before I was there. She then started to ponder about one of the Grammar school classmates of mine that supposedly lives in local apartments and I said I don't know I think they're in Georgia because of the chiropractic school just like one of my past boyfriends she doesn't know about because she was in Ireland and Laura was taking care of us. I told her that's the same summer Laura had Chris lose a whole lot of weight and when mom saw her / got back yelled at me "What am I going to do if she gets pregnant?! Mom said "I never said such a thing." LIES LIES LIES LIES. After back and forth I said "so when did that worry end?" trying to see if she would come clean about tubal ligation. Her response was "I never had such a worry." LIES LIES LIES LIES. More when nonmobile about all moms pain noises today that we had every right to not be subjected to. TAKE THE FUCKING ELEVATOR IF IN THAT MUCH PAIN - THE ELEVATOR SHE FUCKING LIED ABOUT! ... 10/6/16 and I had no plans to drink until it's time to go to sleep tonight but this stress is just too much. My body is warming up as I sip. My car insurance is up $4 this month which is no big deal but why? Coz they know about my house? And these noises continue and we never should have been left here and no one protected our futures and Princeton has Claire under mind control. Mom was particularly noisy yesterday. And we never should have been left here. And who did this???? And who will fix this??? 10/7/16 Ah so Claire's airheadedness gets to exist at it's own pace. She made food for mom and Chris! NO SHIT! SHE FINALLY GETS IT?!?! No worries I'll be comfortably numb soon and I wish it was time to make it permanent. No shit all I've had to suffer through and Claire is finally getting a fucking clue. Cheers! I just don't want to be here anymore. I just don't want to be here. The fucking sound of silence and inaction is killing me. After all we were put through and there's not even anyone out there looking out for us relative to this loose cannon. I carried out the earth shattering thing of finishing college and this useless immigrant is getting away with harassment. 10/8/16 Not a nice thing to fucking wake up to. I'm fucking TIRED and I have to deal with most likely Claire throwing out something of mine. I am literally TIRED/EXHAUSTED of this rat race on some days but not on others for Claire to come over. I forgot to bring my empty ice tea bottle in a bag out of the refrigerator with me yesterday and now it's gone from the refrigerator. Not only does she feed into this injustice of children {the following was written about 2 hours ago or more. My long term memory has helped me go back and remember how this all started this morning - With the stress of a virtual stranger to our household (Claire) throwing out something that saves me money everyday I told mom "no" when she asked me to pour Christine's coffee followed by "go to Morristown and take care of all your kids as should have been the case." - paraphrase. I went back to my laptop and the going back and forth happened and then the following}. (The following was all read aloud to mom which is the reason for the breaks in sentences). And I just lost it on mom and my brain injury reactions as she discriminates against me will be used against me. What sets it off is this childishness we are left with and she just doesn't shut up her denial of her children's future with a disability and Claire is mind controlled through Princeton university. and mom says nothing about that because she knows I'm right. and she just still says to get a job (without any mention of proper job skills relative to my child disability - I'm going to finish this on desktop - that she knows nothing about because the drugs in Butler NJ let her be that way since 1985). That is discrimination against a disabled person. and so mom just kept going on to the point where I went to her and she just kept it up. Oh so when my hands started flying mom said to call the police when police never belonged in our lives. we belonged only in family court all these years and this is not being taken care of. It's unbelievable she still stays in complete aloofness. No doubt I would kill the woman who never took care of my disability and then specifically discriminates/harasses me such as calling me dumb, I can't get a job, etc - but it seems to be a history of thought provoked emotions which is a brain injury symptom. so she now says I need to go take care of myself (relative to the childhood injury that was cared for in a children's hospital for 8 months. that is the aloofness of the older generation Irish who are child abusers. I have a right as a US citizen (as I read this aloud to mom she just kept up the harassment). so here she is calling me dumb that is disability abuse so she now says I'm elder abuse (At one point I reminded her who gave her the information for elder abuse to begin with: I DID) and she still goes on that I. oh so now after my life has fallen apart. oh so now she's saying I did the falling apart. that she had nothing to do with it. that she doesn't elicit responses out of a child who was medically neglected. and so now mom says she never said Claire was brain washed - Riiiiigggghhht! I came up with that phrase ALL BY MYSELF IN 1985 - I MUST HAVE ALSO COME UP WITH THE WORD GUINEA (an Italian) ALL BY MYSELF TOO RIGHT??? IN THE SUBURBS OF NJ THERE'S JUST SOME PERSON ROAMING AROUND TEACHING ME PHRASES I WOULD NEVER OTHERWISE KNOW - Riiiiiiggggghhht! all my existence didn't happen because mom doesn't want it that way. So what's going to happen is mom is in her lawyer calling happy phase and all this narcissist did to me all the years I said call one she only laughed. So we are in this mess now over things she refused to take care of back then. So what happened as my life flashes before my eyes is. oh so mom just said I'm talking a lot of shit by the emotional life of mine that has been spewed. I've played the voice mail for her that she left that "I'm welcome home anytime." to "just let her know I'm coming." Mom so pulled it out of me by saying "get it straight we are not going to Morristown" - paraphrase - that I went to her and kept pulling at her shirt as a child trying to desperately get the attention of a parent but mom is being fed the horse before the carriage of elder abuse minus the flashbacks in life of child abuse. And as I pulled on her shirt saying the same thing to go to Morristown and fix it for all her children mom just kept up her shit. And I couldn't hold my hands back from a slight smack on her head and I think that's when she said to call the police. And throughout this episode I kept pulling at her walker and hit her on the arm as my life flashed before my eyes. I then went and pulled the cradle out of the phone before this loose cannon ACTUALLY CARRIED through on her usual false threats (HARASSMENT). All mom had to do was hit speaker phone to use the phone but  - this is just too much to type more now. Oh and when I told mom Claire never belonged in jail mom denied Claire went to jail and started to say "she went up to that place..." (the drug and alcohol rehab in Lafayette, NJ) and I said BEFORE she went there she went to JAIL! Dah! Drunk driving into a telephone pole is a criminal situation! Of course she went to jail first! I could keep going into this until the cows come home.... long term memory is coming back with more stuff. Of all the harassment I stated how Christopher had an American parent to help him with his special needs. Not only that but he had 2 american parents and a brother to brother around with. If mom isn't aloof she sure acts it as - oh I know how it went. When I was bringing up Claire and her going to jail mom said her new learned coping skill of that 1. claire has nothing to do with me I said "Are you SERIOUS???? ... you have 6 5 other sisters...and i have nothing." - too much right now. 10/9/16 how ironic "Carrie" sounds a lot like mon. I've asked mom about if there's a bad memory of a man with alcohol why she doesn't drink and I've had no confidence in life with her criticizing how whatever I do I'll be laughed at. That highlights the inappropriateness of us being left with this immigrant who needs to fit in. 10/10/16 flashes of mom's dismissive tone saying there is no going back to the surrogate's court and I fucking lost it this child is telling the handicapped and vulnerable child - forget it - as if talking to a child that elicited rage from me when I attacked her. Future attacks are only going to get worse. What's she going to do now? I have no place to go. This morning's stress was so bad you could hear the distress in christine's voice TWICE. first mom was practically crying as she couldn't turn the toaster knob so Chris volunteered to help but then mom got it SO SUDDENLY ALL IS OK. then the next earthquake was over her getting down a plate. THIS IS THE STRESS WE WERE LEFT IN OF THESE EARTHQUAKES ALL THE TIME. NOT CLAIRE WHO ALSO WENT FROM THE FLAME TO THE FRYING PAN WITH MIND CONTROL RATHER THAN LEGITIMATE MEDICAL ATTENTION. ... And mom came home and I said "Are you too tired or is Claire coming over today?" Response is that she'll be here any minute. I FUCKING LOSE IT demanding to know what the hell she did that last night she said she'll have to see how her doctor's appt goes AND WHAT THAT MEANS IS SHE COMES BACK HOME AND THEN CALLS CLAIRE. She couldn't fucking call me from the fucking doctor's office? She called claire like I told her to for her to hold off on coming here until I'm out of the house. With mom on the landing on her cell to Claire I start screaming to Claire "you mind-controlled dipshit!" When mom was off the phone and I'm rushing to leave without proper preparation for the day I roar about the Princeton graduate that led Claire's group and that's not SMART that's CORRUPTION. At the time mom was on the phone with her and me going off claire was at the local meat store buying stuff for mom because the store is not handicapped accessible AND THAT'S EVEN MORE SHIT I COULD GO OFF AT. INSTEAD OF OUR RIGHTS BEING ENFORCED LIKE REPORTING THE STORE TO THE ADA, THIS USELESS IMMIGRANT RAISING HANDICAPPED KIDS IN AMERICA ONLY LAUGHS WHEN IT COMES TO OUR RIGHTS AS HANDICAPPED. ONLY UNTIL RECENTLY. THE FUCK THIS IS GOING DOWN LIKE THIS. THE FUCK! ... TRANSFERRED FROM BLOG POST OF NOVEMBER 29, 2014 SECOND TO LAST COMMENT THAT I ADD TO AND TRANSFER: 10/11/16 mom did it again. She won't get Claire involved in various aspects of christine's care so mom and Chris missed the pivotal appointment today for Chris to go back to work without my help. The transportation has insisted Chris needs a wheelchair in order to use them and today Chris was supposed to get the chair but Kessler sent a vehicle to pick them up that mom couldn't get into. When Chris got back in here she threw a tantrum and mom said there was nothing she could do and I pressed the record button as I REPEATED to Chris AGAIN for me to be included in her care. That this wouldn't have happened. So now mom is on the phone with them and was contemplating doing the dangerous drive down there but now looking to reschedule. ... mom is going to have a pacemaker put in near the end of the month so she is trying to now get another appt soon if she can have someone drive with her. It sounds like mom was wanting this transportation situation to be out of the way before surgery. I did same out in the world where people work so slow they might as well be going backwards. It sounds like someone is calling her back. I don't think mom needs a pacemaker. I think that is medmal. ... so mom just called the car place and made a complaint saying Chris missed her appt today all because of them. ... in her 80s mom is dealing with what I've dealt with in my 20s. People from these places saying they'll call back in an hour so you call when don't hear and they're gone for the day. ... 10/17/16 how it started: airhead not sure she's coming today so we're all in disarray. With the stress of the cleaning lady coming and the unsurety of Claire and mom going on and on and needing to be ready for all this I hand her the garage door opener from christine's room. She asks me to also put away the water and I say they'll do it when they get here and that I'm not Claire and to add me to christine's care like I've been telling her for 3 years. I'm not holding back from the abusive guardian even though the cleaning lady is here. After mom hung up the phone I laid it all out that the surrogate's court was available for me to be protected instead of losing my life out in the world and the abuse just continued. Too much for mobile. I said Chris is missing out all because of it and mom said they've done all they could do for Chris and I say not according to the rehab doctor at Kessler and mom goes off about he was an idiot who wrongly said there was a problem with christine's brace and I reminded her how she had to do something new with christine's brace the last thing she got it. I reminded her this time mom had to go to an OT after getting the brace FOR the brace - that's something new. She fucking denied it. (We don't need these fucking games). Then mom went off about how bad Kessler is because her surgery was a waste from there. At a certain point I tell her we didn't need all this (nitpicking). We just needed proper medical care. This woman (I just lost my thought that was very significant). It's very simple to see that when mom got involved with groups in christine's life only then did she know what to do for Chris but SHE WAS ALL ALONE WITH ME (HOPING FOR THE BEST PROUDLY TELLING PEOPLE I WAS GOING TO COLLEGE). As I've done before I educated her on that no one was around to object to me and my care at 18 with the surrogate's court so I had no protection. Do I just sound like a lunatic or does anyone hear this is a cry for help from this medically abused child? Too much for mobile. As I do what I can mobile, I point out to mom Chris needs surgery - that the PT only strengthened her knee and when it goes weak again she'll be in the same mess and mom starts to say " Well then..." and I say " you'll figure it out then? We deserved proper care. Not this." Life rape. Who left us here? I could swear this is all going to come down on me as it always has. It's too late for Claire to come at 1:30pm. Chaos all because of a lack of consistency. I should just get ready for this to all come down on me. What else is new? The cleaning lady at least sees the difference between all of us. Friendly visitor Claire didn't live in a hospital multiple times in her life nor did she - too much for mobile. Just started to read the above to mom and not good enough. Zero communication. ... something else that needs to come back to me ... oh yes body spray. Recently Claire had the chance to buy body spray but mom never told her. Mom said explaining it to her would be too difficult and I said if she can't find it with the name she only need ask someone who works there. What's tragically happening is mom has to live up to the image that in this house we don't share anything. Not body spray, food,nothing. An act at the expense of mine and christine's medical lives. I heard Claire in mom's statement today that there's nothing more that can be done for christine. LIES! ... 10/18/16 here I am on round 2 at 3am. Wonder if why blood comes out sometimes during the brush/gag/cough has to do with throat irritation from too much Vodka. Have to babysit my phone charger as my autistic side gets furious at the computer care McDonalds workers in the form of cell phone stores and laptop fixing stores. Illuminati in the form of religion - a fire Claire walked right into to silence victims even further while insurance got away with an immigrant loose cannon and Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb was written.Claire stating she wasn't coming yesterday because she didn't feel good but sounded fine on the phone. Does she get it that her constant sniffle-type breathing is due to chemtrails? Maybe she was informed of the Illuminati as the basis of her sect and denial of our injuries that she's floored in putting any reason together. Illuminati. Illuminati. Mom used to say her cult was run by a bunch of Guineas but it goes much deeper. Illuminati was openly talked about in the 1800s. ... and sure enough the search for that book has changed "Princeton Theological Seminary: A Discourse Delivered at the Reopening of the Chapel" written by Charles Hodges 1874 and time stamped 1908. It can be found other places though. And if airhead is not feeling well enough robodick is coming to take Chris and mom to Kessler for the unnecessary wheelchair and with all the names mom was calling me I screamed if she felt that way about me she should have said so when I was 14 or 15 and not this lie to come out like this after all these years. Page 18 the Illuminati is openly talked about and my life is raped. ... so robodick is not coming in the house. The friendly visitors put in charge of christine's profound lifelong medical needs. Nice family. Robodick is merely a cab driver. Not helping out with the profound medical needs that him and Claire have been put in charge of. He probably knows I use recording devices and his lie from christmas 2 years ago is all taken care of. ... I'm traumatized and no one to lift me out. If robodick comes in the house the record button is going on. Traumatized. Mom accepted a lie. Trauma. ... such a jerk off this family doesn't need but here because mom wouldn't work with me. Robodick took over the entire task of doing christine's seatbelt. As if Chris can't do it on her own. She needs help. Not the entire task done for her and with those two given sole custody of her care Chris will never get to benefit from advances. Yesterday mom told me to call the brain injury people in NJ and I said I did - that they're the ones she hung up on multiple times and mom did one of her dismissal moves that they're not help for christine. Illuminati. Princeton theological seminary. Weirwille. Mind control. Lies. Something happened as I typed that. A potsdam freak show happened. That's how I know. Illuminati the basis of all bible texts. Again as I tried to tell Claire in 2001,the miracles she witnessed at the start of her group were merely wiccan activity but Claire stopped me from going any further as I was letting in bad things. Claire: an obedient Illuminati dream come true. Openly talked about in 1874 and pulled from reality in 1908. And I lay exhausted from knowing the truth and earlier I read to mom a brain injury symptom I suffer from and mom only mocked me and I told her that's disability abuse. Imagine robodick at rehabilitative Kessler today. And the disabling abuse continues. ... and I lay here emotionally drained as all our potential for getting better has been thrown to the dogs. If I drink it will offset my sleep. I really liked that guy from brooklyn I met in syracuse who worked for AA. he never called me back. I always think of him what he said they take when can't sleep. ... and I fell into a long sleep and had long intense dream at big mall. It faded as quickly as I woke up. And they're not back yet but the life rape is apparent. And a potsdam freak show just happened. 3:40pm and still not home. I expect they would be here by 4pm. They got here 4:15pm and robodick's uninvolved mannerism hasn't changed. Christine's usual jolly hello was greeted back by something straight faced and barely audible. Mom was a nightmare getting into the back seat. Coming back mom took a real long time getting out of the front seat and I'm not sure if it was clear to robodick not to touch her (she would feel funny taking the hand of her daughter's husband (however I can totally picture Kevin helping in that way) so maybe it's just Robodick) or it's just a known thing they don't like each other. Chris got out of the back seat and was helped up by robodick. robodick then walked both of them to the garage. what an ass! What an incompetent ass! Chris is not in danger of falling like she was. That was completely unnecessary. Robodick unnecessarily backed the car way up to the garage door when he got here. What an out-of-touch incompetent ass! After getting out mom said "thank you very much Rich" and Robodick probably uttered under his breath "you're welcome." When mom said thank you again he said nothing. THAT'S THE MIND-CONTROL OF THE WAY INTERNATIONAL. A SOUND MIND ONLY NEEDS SAY ONCE AND BE AT PEACE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRISTOPHER'S SPECIAL NEEDS ARE FOR REPETITION BUT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT THAT POOR KID WENT THROUGH GROWING UP IN THAT HOUSEHOLD OR WHAT MESS HE'S IN AS AN ADULT BECAUSE HE STILL HAS THOSE NEEDS MEANWHILE PAUL IS CITED "when I was a boy I thought as a boy and as a man I think as a man.' I'm pretty sure robodick looked up at my window as he walked mom past the back door for christine. Rape. And maybe I got there too late but I didn't see a wheelchair. Remember mom is doing what I used to do as learned in this house of rushing to get everything done to get back to everyday life. I guess I'll find out if she asked him to drive her to the hospital for a pacemaker. Or actually hinted at the need which would be the usual. There was a day mom didn't hint because it was expected I would do everything. I lost my life with no one else here. I can't stand the chewing sound she makes when she eats her favorite, candy corn. ... I forget how it started but made it known to mom edward went back home to have children. He came here with Fiona and the two of them witnessed mom saying she never said for me to go to college followed by Claire correcting that followed by fiona's inhalation of breath. He probably decided right there not to have kids in America although I know there were other factors that made him go home in a hurry. ... mom is on the phone with his father now because he checks in on her house over there. 10/19/16 Chris got spoken to coldly / yelled at this morning already because it's too difficult for mom to cut christine's breakfast. Just another stressful day in the life of medically needy children who needed something else. ... this woman and her fucking pain noises. Get the fuck rid of the central fucking air. And we're fucking stuck here. ... and as should be added at any time Claire went to Ireland for a reason and a good indication how my life fell apart missing the set needs of an injured like me needs. Plans. Viable plans. ... lots of flashbacks today. Flashes of the development disruption of no longer having sisters. My sisters taught me everything and then mom didn't have patience. Had a chance to share sisterly and learn but Claire's mind control kept her away. Funny how the Illuminati kept her away from learning about the Illuminati. ... 10/20/16 yet another typical day that Chris screams at mom to "shut up!" as she learned from mom. No one calling that senior abuse. I feel the sense of rape if robodick is the one reading this filtering what Claire needs to know and not know. When I heard Claire's condition I informed mom of Claire's natural care history starting to say she does colon cleanses and I told mom she probably never heard and sure enough mom had no idea. That's how in the know I am of this entire family and Judge Deanne M. Wilson with Cristina Accardi Mirda ruined lives ... aha! Mom said she had to go to a hair appt but didn't mention christine's doctor visit in which he wouldn't sign some papers. Have no idea yet what that's all about but that's a first since mom always gets what she wants flying under the radar. ... 10/21/16 mom pulled a fast one on me. Had no idea DDD was coming here today. Danielle stayed away from me as mom gets away with child medical neglect and mom makes plans all by herself to go have a pacemaker put in. No family to transport her or be there when she wakes up or leaves hospital. It seems Danielle was specifically rushed in and out. She said she was from the independent living center but works in a different office from the girl who was supposed to help me with work from home. No worries. I'll find out danielle's last name. There's no way mom is going to keep pulling wool over eyes. Why would Danielle suddenly say she'd have no problem telling Lindsay about me? Something was up with that. Something is not right. I came into lay down and both Chris and mom just denied mom whispered to her to come in the kitchen. When you piece together how Danielle acted it all makes sense. I just don't know what the connections are. For the first time today mom referred to her youngest sister as " my sister Louie." It has always been "Aunt Louie." ... all I can do is type away and keep saying what's happening. Chris doesn't understand what mom is doing to her for mom's own convenient reasons. I used to be fooled too. Christine lied about mom flagging her over to the kitchen. She doesn't know better. It's time to drink soon anyway and infection is welcomed with life being this lie. Danielle seems to have gotten a forewarning about me. Where is the person to get justice for all children? Where's the justice for all children? I truly hope mom has a near death experience but I doubt that will happen since she won't be knocked out. We don't deserve this medical well-being oblivion in the United States. I told mom the hinkle fingles & Prior had right on their website a case just like mine where the young adult qualified for DDD. ... and I got the rope around her neck and started stramgling her and jonbenet's neck scars red flashing through my mind and christine tries to save the situation and I tell her to back off or she will be sorry but she persists hitting me and I push her back so she falls back and can't get up. I get back to business as I have flashbacks of mom yelling her phrase only known after I didn't return home "call 911!" Finally mom breaths no more and me and christine are set free from the demon ruining our lives. And that's one sure fire scenario how we are free from this terrorist in our lives even though christine's ability to understand that has been eroded by that very same terrorist. ... how ironic I just lost everything I wrote. The witch of Potsdam got Claire but that's what Claire gets for having her name on mom's checks. Claire has the constipation diarrhea dilemma I developed from bilberry juice everyday. There are normal health /scientific explanation for some things. There are spell/witches brew explanations for others. Gotcha Claire. Protection from God and protection from the Illuminati are 2 different things. No one had ever heard of those problems from bilberry juice just like no one had ever heard of developing vitamin b-complex deficiency symptoms by taking b-complex supplements which is what happened to me. Welcome to my world clueless. Come home to the void that is here now? Riiiiiggghhtt! I only prolonged the inevitable. And the rope around the neck tightens further as I get the pleasure of casting out the demon in me and christine's life. ... Flashbacks as I saw Guy Fierre watch a crawfish pie go into the oven and I remind mom of the play baking oven I asked for as a child (and it fell on the densest of ears) as my future became obliterated. Back then I only wanted to bake little ¢.25 pies. By now I'm worth millions re: the life she ruined. Where is the lawyer to endorse that??? Where is the family that will step in? SUSAN McCrain? Eddy McCrain from Belle Harbor? John O'Flaherty the lawyer in San Francisco? Any of the Zinsleys from Ronkonkomo? Had a chance for Monica Zinsley in Thousand Oaks when I got there but that was shot to hell. Welcome infection and welcome death. ... 10/23/16 I can't remember if it was 10/21/16 or 10/20/16 but a car load of dressed up men driving by at 10am tends to stand out (2ce no less). At 4pm this narcissist took the elevator for the first time. I came out of the shower and there she was and I asked if it was her first time and she said yes "a little scary". AS IF I GIVE A FUCK HOW HER EXPERIENCE WAS. Stupid is now here eating some grapes while she reads the paper. ... The Davinci Code. Something I first learned about in 2004. On tv it says the movie was made 2006. Now reality should be sinking in to Claire she is being faithful to the Illuminati. She pointed out to me the rewriting of books at least dealing with christopher columbus. Princeton's Theological Seminary books have also been redone to omit the secret society. ... watching Hocos Pocus for the first time. "Would you forgive me love for the salt in your bed?" at 11:35pm and "when I think of the early 90s your face comes up like it was yesterday." And Alanis flying through the air in her video - a witch. ... 10/24/16 so yesterday Christine sat down and at one point asked mom to get her book from the other room. As I've said before Chris doesn't connect mom is not able like she used to be. Christine wouldn't even ask if she understood but due to the smut in NJ family court of the surrogate we're in a fucking mess. Talking about Danielle and all the red tape mom could have been doing for years and Claire let down this family by not taking christine in. I know exactly where they are in Denville while mom just complains but omits me from christine's care. Now talking to Danielle so Danielle can talk to the doctor. I have a feeling Danielle might be coming here today. No fast ones except I won't have a copy of the writing I gave to her doctor. A copy of it already exists where Danielle is but whether Danielle has seen it is another story that I don't know. ... mom is in a flurry of getting Chris prepared to go away while mom goes into - actually Claire's situation it turns out is not being explained. That's the same as me with Bilberry juice. Claire just listened to mom talk about Chris going to respite. The situation with Danielle didn't call for me to do much but it's definitely an abusive situation of the child in me crying out that I qualify for DDD and my life didn't have to turn out what it did had mom been left a loose cannon with hopefulness and denial. This is so completely sick the care we've been left in. ... watching Carrie again and "they're all going to laugh at you" is positively a mom phrase. Not sure WHY they cut scenes in Carrie of her locking her mother in the closet before leaving for prom and the gas station scene with the bimbo's head through the windsheild. ... 10/26/16 not good of how Claire doesn't even call mom back on the day before mom is going in for a pacemaker. Not good. ... airhead calls here an hour and 1/2 after mom leaves. Is that her way of playing dumb that this post/blog exists? Aloof that no one should go to a medical procedure all alone. Are you listening Judge Deanne m.wilson, Cristine Mirda, and steven j. Straub???? ... oh so it was robodick who called from Claire's phone. It sounded like they don't have a clue mom went in for a pacemaker. Mom called this morn so I had to check her messages. Robodick calls her by her first name. Kevin used to call her Mrs. while Robodick never used to call her at all. Robodick sounds like a typical Jerseyite. The type I don't find interesting at all. ... clueless's phone number showed here again. How ironic. I'm more comfortable with "I'm not doing a damn thing" with good reason. Until this whole injured family is dealt with. ... so Claire erroneously thought mom's surgery was today and when mom told Claire she couldn't get help in the house and mom is not supposed to drive and she didn't know how this was all going to work out Claire asked if I was here? AS IF! YOU FUCKING BIMBO! WHA PART OF LIFEFLASH DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHAT PART OF LACK OF PROPER MEDICAL CARE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHAT PART OF DESTRUCTIVE RECUPERATION IN THIS STRESS HOUSEHOLD DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING GET??? Mom's answer was a yes with no further comment. Claire then said "Alright mom I'll let you go" and sounded just like the no good squeaky clean twin on that movie that came out. Guess robodick may have to wind up picking christine up if Claire doesn't drag her naseous ass out the door. Don't forget not to be pathetic with christine robodick. DOES BIMBO GET TO GO CHANGE THE ARRANGEMENT IN MORRISTOWN? DOES BIMBO GET ANYTHING? DOES BIMBO GET HOW INADEQUATE SHE ALONE IS IN CHRISTINE'S LIFE? DOES BIMBO GET SHE ONLY WON A COURT CASE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A LAWYER? DOES BIMBO REMEMBER THE SMOKING GUN DEANNE M. WILSON HAD AT HER DISPOSAL WHEN MOM ADMITTED HER INADEQUATE CARE? I'M SURE BIMBO REMEMBERS THAT 70'S SONG ABOUT "the smell that surrounds you." It's the only explanation I can find for a judge to let a self-witnessed smoking gun fucking slide. WHAT PART OF ME AND CHRISTINE SAYING "I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN I COULD USE AN ELEVATOR" DOESN'T BIMBO UNDERSTAND? ONLY AFTER ROBODICK OR OTHER FAMILY SEE ONLINE FROM ME THAT CHRIS ALMOST FELL BACKWARDS DOWN THE STAIRS DOES THE TRUTH COME OUT? ONLY FOR HER TO PUT ON A GOOD ACT OF THE MEDICALLY ABUSIVE INSECURE ASSHOLE SHE IS? WHAT PART OF THESE THINGS IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? THAT'S NOT GOD. THAT'S ILLUMINATI. ... when I asked mom about setting the alarm and she said she won't be I said what time do you have to pick christine up by? and she said she can't pick her up tomorrow and I said then I guess rich has to pick her up and perplexed she said Rich Mould???? and I said yeah and she said no that Chris might have to stay a couple more days and I reminded her what DDD said that anything after 3 days is long term care and she played it off. THAT'S THE ASSHOLE THAT RESIDES HERE. PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE MOM FELL INTO THE NYC SLICKER LIFESTYLE. SHE TAKES ALL THESE SUBURBANITES FOR A RIDE. THAT INCLUDES COLLEEN KOBER, HER OWN CHILDREN, AND ALL ELSE. she lost only ONCE and that was when Claire was court-ordered out of the house based on (Claire's testimony) how mom reacted in court. MM is from Brooklyn but even she was taken for a ride. As was I. ... furthermore mom has the city slicker attitude down pat as much as she is able but that lack of trueness really comes through when she is so disconnected from having her injured children unable to follow a "just say" policy and there is no wonder the unobvious injured crashed right into a wall. I should be able to bullshit my way through life but in reality I insisted on a diagnosis senior year of high school that she drove me to to get but is disconnected from american life (suburban no less) than to know what to do with that. Are you listening Morris County Surrogate's Court???? And as I look up from typing there's the application of NJ transit for the transportation I said was available for christine 2 years ago and this asshole insisted I was wrong - that christine could only take what was available to her. And I just ripped into this asshole who walked by an inch at a time, about how her knee surgeries were supposed to help her walk and what's the problem? The problem is her back. Again, I told her there are things in the knees connected to the back and NOT TO HAVE THE FUCKING SURGERY. Then I mocked her new founded tirade about senior abuse. ... where is our walnut creek, ca lawyer relative???? He probably has no clue how needed he is thanks to mom's oblivion. He's a relative on dad's side so there's no saying he would help anyway. The online conversation with dad's sister's adopted daughter went to hell. Same with dad's cousin's daughter. Immigrants must truely be 2nd class citizens which makes me 3rd class due to disability - an ignored injury. ... 10/29/16 I've been in bed all day. When mom said how the mail should be brought in I said I'm not going out.I asked if she called Claire and she called Claire. Claire got upset at mom when mom said she should go for an xray. I think it was Claire being impatient that she had already been through that with her. Welcome to my world. No coffee was made today because I didn't make it. When mom said she was worried about the buildip of mail in the box Claire said something about me doing it. The usual bimbo. No dinner coz I'm not up. Flashes of my dream the other night that the wife of the guy next to my house told me about fixing up a house and selling it. Flashes of catherine fallon making sure I don't get employed in potsdam. ... Claire's Way's miracles sound EXACTLY like the Amish witches in Wilmot(?) OH Holmes County. Claire's leader is from/in New Knoxville(?) OH. NW ohio. On lifetime. Millersburg amish country is 3 hours east.[ah so The Way International is on Twitter - we would have a twitter war if I was on Twitter but Claire kept me brain washed about the internet that I am stuck in time with not doing anything online - inserted 11/1/16] ... 10/30/16 sometimes the negligence of my life is pinpoint clear. As mom was talking to Chris where Chris is staying it was one of the - now mom is talking to Claire about the mail. Mom has before gone days on end without getting the mail but mom has now come up with something new that the mailman is going to call the police due to the accumulation of mail that something has happened here. Those off-the-beaten path things are what mom many times accuses me of doing which only highlights the ineptness we were left with which is negligence. The things I learned for cognitive advancement in America were shot down and a life destroyed by being left dependent on a guardian who couldn't see and appreciate those needs which turned out to be the smoking gun Deanne m.wilson just let slide. - so anyway the pinpoint clearness. It's the feeling of years of negligence all coming clear in one second at lightening speed all too much to process let alone get out. It all started (?) with our father no longer being here and mom yelling into the phone at Claire that dad is turning over in his grave she didn't finish college and crying and I became mom's hope. Fastforward and this is the second day mom isn't having coffee because she kissed her hope goodbye when she lied in court telling the judge I'm a Liar. The attorney I got for reconsideration is part of the local yokel "drug addicts" who looked down upon me as a local yokel stupid kid with dumb decisions rather than medical needs not met by adults. This local yokel dumb decision kid understands the total screw up legally of the neighboring town hooking into this town's water supply. That also brings me to the story last night of the cleveland girl kidnapped for ten years. She is separate from the other two because she was at the age of majority when taken. The other two were minorities at the time which has different far reaching implications. I guess Claire was majority when crashing her car so me and Chris slipped through the cracks. There's only one way to fix that kissing goodbye and that's going back to court and redoing what I had no warning about. This power freak led me to believe we were all done with the surrogate's court after my money was released from there. Years later she must have felt that I already knew (based on my american education and disability service involvement) what she found out; FUCKING WRONG! Not at all. Not at all. Text msgs between me and aunt teresa the other night: " How is mam tell her I said hi and hope she's fling good after teresa" me: " I did and she's very slow going after surgery. someone should be here for her." AT: " I know I wish I could fly.but my health not good..Michael looks after me..I'm so lucky...he cooks breakfast every morn.puts on the fire. Takes me out try an do what u can for mam.. teresaxxxx" me: " That's good for Michael!i mean for claire to take care of mam.i wont lift a finger til mam and claire undo what they did in a court supposed 2 protect us in USA" - end of messages. No reply as those 3000 miles across the ocean feel powerless and some of them I assume buy Claire's bullshit. As I lay in bed another day and mom tells Claire she has to pick Chris up on Wednesday and there is no offer from Claire to help. Now she's on phone with friend ronnie and as usual not a mention of home problems. I was decent enough through the years to stop screaming when she was on the phone and scared about being taken out of the home from social workers that I am now the price paid. ... I want to sit out at least for 2 hours later on transferring this to my blog so I make coffee and charge my laptop and sure enough I get recruited to help mom put on her sweater (so she can get the mail). ... mom has a harder time than me and Chris closing the elevator door from the inside. After several attempts I yell to her (since I'm getting more coffee in the kitchen) to not close it hard. she can't fucking hear me without a hearing aid so I scream it at a higher decible. She gets it closed. I'm putting the milk away and hear her at the bottom of the stairs ask if I'm in the kitchen and I say "Yeaaah WHY?" she tells me to give her the garage door opener that she forgot it and I say things like "what would you do without me here?" and "that's what you've had 3 years to fix;" while she sounds like a child on a playground saying nothing new of "just give me the opener" and I simply ignore her. She got the garage open and is now inside. There is coffee here when she comes up. And there she goes having her coffee that she wouldn't have, had I not asked her if she's having some. And here comes the thunder which makes me feel even better than the rain and I've no idea why. And I think she's also having a banana she wouldn't have, had I not done the shopping the other night. ... 10/31/16? and I got recruited to take a mug down from the cabinet which was partially my fault because she was on her way to the dishwasher to get one but I was in the way. You can only say "fend for yourself" so much. Flashes of how goosey night doesn't really happen around here anymore and flashes of a diminished capacity child who is waiting for justice of the scars left behind of being molested in the hospital and coming home to fighting and soaping our windows and eggs thrown at our house and the gas cap stolen from the car and mom disregarding me and dad yelling at me when I wanted to play by tickling his feet but anyway mom is without a nurse because she doesn't plan and I will hang out morris county until this is fixed. I saw a commercial for a new Bergan county surrogate but not morris. ... mom held back and then botched the story to the mother of stephanie's classmate who grew up to lose her fiance in a plane crash. She left out the initial part where mom didn't want to bug the nurses, then said it was the neurologist who said it was a blood clot that went to the eye when it wasn't. I was at the eye doctor's apt who said it was a clot to the eye. The neurologist disagreed with the eye doctor that it was and the eye doctor backed down to the neurologist. Claire could have health insurance if she got a diagnosis and got disability benefits but instead is flying under the radar. Smh this is what morris county allowed to happen. Then again I forgot to add "and protected by the Illuminati." ... protection I was entitled to And I fall thru the cracks coz there was no divorce involved I just read the presley medical case first part to mom who said nothing as usual. I'll have to keep reading. DROVE A CAR??? FUCKING YES!!! ... and I read it all to her and no reply except rolling her eyes as if I'm wrong and I reel into her about listening to aunt Maureen that once they turn 18 you're no longer responsible. AUNT MAUREEN DOESN'T HAVE CHILDREN INJURED BEFORE 8FUCKINGTEEN! As usual mom makes a phone call to "Mary" and there is no talk of any of this. I'm pretty sure it's the mother who comforted mom after the accident and whose non-injured child I was compared to growing up. And there she is talking about my NYC cousins we were compared to not being good enough as. Where's her senior abuse claim now? The surrogate's court had all my medical records given to them, elicited and witnessed and admonished medical neglect and let it all fucking slide. Maybe that's why only Bergan county is showing a surrogate elect on tv. Because the whole world now is aware how full of shit they are. FUCKING FIX THIS! and there she is talking about stuff and mentions using the elevator with no mention of the medically abusive history behind it. Lives thrown away to Allstate Special Funds. All this undue suffering from the decision of Deanne M. Wilson with false arguments by Cristine Mirda and Steven J. Straub from Norrie and Associates out of Montclair but Steven out of Budd Lake. ... just fucking dying inside 11/1/16 absolutely dying inside this is the brain washed idiot Claire has become (as I have flashbacks to the conversations I had with Claire as to the suing mom I would have to do and airhead declared there's no way she could even contemplate that with the unspoken - or already discussed - motherhood revelation Claire attained). Christopher has probably been brainwashed the same meanwhile Claire professes obeying the law of the land. Poor christopher had to leave the service over a physical situation - not cognitive. Just dying inside me and Claire had this conversation in around 2002 - possibly earlier as i have draining flashes of losing my house while no one is protecting us. ... 11/3/16 DRUGS Today I was going to be gone all day so I did like last time and picked up "dinner" which would actually be lunch and dinner and when I brought it back I said if she can't reach up to the microwave for dinner reheating to just put the food on a plate over boiling water on the pot like she used to do for dad. DOES CLAIRE REMEMBER THAT? WAS CLAIRE AROUND FOR THAT? WOULD CLAIRE EVEN THINK OF THAT? DRUGS ... 11/5/16 I'm on 3 hrs sleep and mom is inviting one of the very involved women in christine's groups to come over and help what Claire had been doing. Dreaming of setting the world afire all because of judge deanne m. Wilson. ... and my brain injured monster came out. In my no-holding-back days when asked if I'm working all truth came out and as politely as I could I kept my rage response under control. That also took away from getting all info out. My short term memory remembers that at the beginning I stated I'm waiting for a proper accident reconstruction, that uncle eddy said something wasn't right about the accident investigation but he was never brought into questioning. She said she met someone who was a first-responder and I said "oh ok there's more than one left still alive" (and pointed out we met one when we had to take Chris to the ER when her head was bleeding on the driveway) but that first responder (through our conversation) wouldn't know about the accident reconstruction. My monster I guess started coming out when I started being compared to non-brain injured. I told this visitor we needed someone like her around here all these years instead of mom guessing all alone and the monster came out when I had to explain how innocent mom is not. That I was directed to stay away from vo-tech and things like that because "those people never go anywhere in life." Too much emotion right now. ... feeling life raped from today which is exhausting. Having to justify I'm disabled while having that same person - never mind. She's said the same as me that mom needs a hearing aid to adequately care for christine. I was sure to chime in that I've already been through that (and through that and through that and through that...) with mom. So many life rape things going thru my head. ... and there's mom in her rote prayer whispering feeling like she won a victory because someone she told 1/2 truth to in christine's disabled groups SEEMED to not agree with me. And the rape of my life will continue without intervention. ... when this visitor first got here today mom said for me to put the wheelchair away. (?!?!?!?!). I pointed it out to the visitor but don't know if the event registered. I went to the bathroom and when I came out asked if everyone was having coffee. The visitor said no and mom said yes so I made the usual 8 cups. We had some small talk about the deli she brought back the food from and it was when she was asking me what I do or work that I said I don't and I'm in protest over christine. When she said I went away for 20 years I heard mom in that statement and clarified I came back here not only to help clean mom's house (she conveniently doesn't remember) but I came back here for all my doctors appts. I also forgot to point out that after 2 years at the first college me and my then boyfriend were very significant in Christine's life when I brought a brand new puppy home. Mom the zombie doesn't get it but me and Kevin both saw the change in Christine that Chris went from being zombie-like to coming out of her shell (MOSTLY BECAUSE OF KEVIN with a sense of humor).  I then had to explain NYC is nothing like upstate NY medical care. ... flashes of today by mom's "friend" who doesn't know mom as a friend at all because friends are honest. Lost my thought. ... she asked me about (2ndary thought) ... well one thing I do remember now is me asking this woman that when her father was against blacks (NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THAT HISTORY AROUND THIS HOUSE) if she had siblings around. Turns out she had six. I HAD NO ONE. It might even be this woman who has mom talking different on that issue these days. I will remind mom any time of the fight she had with Claire and Michelle from across the street YEARS AGO on that issue sitting at the dining room table. Everyone needs to remember mom grew up in ALL WHITE Ireland. ... I think what I was going to say is that when I heard our visitor ask mom the exact words I heard mom say that there's "nothing more they can do" and I informed her about the Kessler doctor for court that suggested locomotor training for christine's walking and we'd probably decline the botox injections for christine's arm but stem cell research is research now but when it is past the point of research christine will miss out because I'm not involved in her care. ...11/6/16 more flasbacks in my long term memory that I'm glad she spent a while talking about this because eventually I was able to dig far enough in clarifying that when I first went away to college I went away with someone I knew so the real world hadn't hit me yet (and didn't get to clarify that it was that way for a long time). That the first college is like an extension of high school. That only when all alone in a town near there did the real world hit me due largely due to social initiation/inhibition problems from brain injury. Flashes of mom saying people will tell you what you want to hear when I talked about the brain injury counselor who finally made my life crystal clear. HA! said by the one who has resorted to doing just that in her elder years of telling people (not what they want to hear but steer the story to make it go their way. ... I never got to say the newest lie I was brought up in revealed. That I was told and then went into the world saying that mom only went to that deli for bread and she already had bread in the house when we had our accident. Only in the last 3 years mom revealing other things she used to buy there. That doesn't mean she caused the accident. Her lying could cause doubt. Someone better reopen this case. Flashes of yesterday I have forgotten. It very well could be that she insisted she has to be right because she is convinced by what mom is saying. ... 11/7/16 had long dream involving young people or kids and a video game stops at a certain point indicating your status such as a white bug on a light blue background and the bug had 4 or 5 bars sticking out the top of its head and you would stop the bug moving across the screen indicating you were one of the young ones and I stopped it to indicate but I didn't record this upon waking so I don't remember. Claire didn't answer her phone yesterday so mom never heard from her. Claire not calling for weeks at a time is nothing new and happened for years. Meanwhile me and mom would talk everyday. Claire is the 3rd of us to get upset at mom's involvement / suggestions (today) BECAUSE IT'S NOT ENOUGH IN AMERICA AT LEAST I CAN SAY THAT FOR ME AND CHRIS. As far as Claire I'll guess it's because mom keeps telling her stuff Claire already declined. The potsdam witch's brew has had an affect now for 2 weeks. Claire should try to stop one or all of her herbs and see if that does the trick. For me it was bilberry juice. ... just called the suggestion given to me by this woman the other day and left a message. They are not going to help me legally I can guarantee. I'm not doing welfare or bankruptcy. ... and mom again didn't prepare by getting absentee ballot but she lucked out that her ride to doctor follow up is taking her. Living on luck instead of planning may work for her but completely short changed her children's lives (that lost thought) ... I got back from getting dinner and mom has a conversational friendly voice on. I eventually asked mom if she called the woman that was here the other day. She said she left her a message. THAT'S WHY MOM HAD ON THAT TONE OF VOICE FROM WHAT I CAN TELL - kind of like mom is always trying to start over. In this case I can guess mom thinks this woman will have finally put me in my place in mom's favor. Here I was tea never mind. ... 11/8/16 I have all the sleep I need for a long day today but flashbacks to our visitor the other day is making me tank. I feel like it's sinking in mom is listening and going by her these last 3 years while she only had mom's version which is not only incomplete but child abuse. Not sure I feel like getting up today. Flashes of her saying there's no way i'd be christine's medical guardian. Flashes of her saying Claire is it and me saying "CLAIRE IS NOT DOING IT." Flashes of her saying to forget about Chris and me feeling speechless. I don't think lying in bed is going to help. ... so I've taken the first step to go about my day. It's the only day in my life I have espn on in the morn. I really don't need to hear about killary who was suddenly running for NYS senate after I stood in front of the white house and got ZERO help. Flashes to mom sitting there like a spectator while me and this woman went at it. She told me I sound like Donald Trump. Well with mom's games of children of course I'll sound like him on immigration. Did she ever think Trump sounds like me instead of me sounding like Trump? 8/28/16 I'm pasting this here from mobile but I'm not fixing it. I'd rather go home, self medicate, and not wake up the way things are: 11/1/16 absolutely dying inside this is the brain washed idiot Claire has become (as I have flashbacks to the conversations I had with Claire as to the suing mom I would have to do and airhead declared there's no way she could even contemplate that with the unspoken - or already discussed - motherhood revelation Claire attained). Christopher has probably been brainwashed the same meanwhile Claire professes obeying the law of the land. Poor christopher had to leave the service over a physical situation - not cognitive. Just dying inside Me and Claire had this conversation in around 2002 - possibly earlier as i have draining flashes of losing my house while no one is protecting us. ... 11/9/16 so I sound like trump Eh? I would be laughing but mom's eventual problem after I kept saying was "she probably doesn't care." How spine breaking telling and hurtful that was. Mom's just going to have a nightmare on her hands if this is not fixed. I will not be punished for the injury I received before the age of majority. ... if melania was in Slovenia in 1984 most likely that youngest son standing next to him has a heart defect from Chernobyl radiation. ... and there mom is at 4:15 pm learning the run around of getting services for Chris here when she gets home. The runaround I learned about 20 years ago. AGAIN I'M RIGHT HERE AND MORRISTOWN IS 20 MILES AWAY. ... fucking neauseated as I hear mom put on a sweet unassuming voice for these new found "friends" in christine's disabled groups. All of her friends have died or moved away and these people have no idea the ride this NYC immigrant is taking them on. She just got off the phone with one of them with the same name(sake) as the one that was here the other day. Fucking sick. Keep pushing me. Or get justice for these children before the age of majority. No worries. Alcohol is a few hours away. ... watching alaskan Bush people and have come. It's over but the primitive side of me is clear. How did they afford those glasses? ... 11/10/16 so this asshole immigrant is talking to her youngest sister overseas at 8:30 am and her youngest child had a baby out of wedlock. And I just ripped into her again for being the unrealistic sack of shit she is in America. Oh I sound harsh. At least I have a pulse right? So the agency I was referred to by the woman that was here never got back to me. Mom said she's got to get in touch with him. Riiiiiggghhtt now that my lack of silence is here it's not going to be so easy is it? Correction: my aunt's youngest DAUGHTER had a child out of wedlock. And this woman in America goes about her daily routine and I'm the walking dead over a failed America for a child left behind. Mom did start to tell her youngest sister I'm here but her sister had already moved on in the conversation. Flashes of her friend being here the other day saying there's no way I'll ever be medical guardian, etc ... waiting for my 2nd round of sleep. ... 11/10/16 mom just got driven home by a friend of the group not involved in handicapped groups and is in the happy oblivious voice mood. Wonder if she keeps up the denial across the board or goes at it from a different angle with each group. Flashbacks all day to the conversation here when mom was a spectator - an inappropriate immigrant spectator in the lives of injured children. I do have faith in the woman of the handicapped group to ultimately be honest. I've had precious illusions before. Flashback to her repeating what I said "this family has never dealt with this accident." I felt like she really heard me on that or didn't know what to say. I do suffer precious illusions. ... near 6:30 and time to get drunk. Mom talking to the woman that was here and it feels like I'm null and void. :-(((. I'm not important. My needs and christine's true wishes are null and void. ... precious illusions. ... fucking tanking. ... fucking tanking but at least some comfort for protestors saying same I say that their vote wasn't counted. I was injured before the age of majority. I need a lawyer. ... absolutely dying inside at the desertion of my care. Desertion I won't get through. Desertion of a child's future. The. ... on my second mug of Vodka because I can't sleep. Can't sleep. It will be interesting to see. Mom's sleeping soundly as always. Claire is plagued by the potsdam witch's brew. Robodick is bringing Chris home Saturday. Maybe he doesn't want to enter this house because of what rubbed off on Claire. Imagine the things airhead expected of me to be ok even though I was stuck in this house. The things Claire won't listen to. And now it's caught up with her? Fucking stupidity. Someone. ... had flashback I now forget. ... 11/11/16 I'm not sure why another Occupier Mike DG showed up in a dream out of the blue. His wife is MUCH LIKE Chelsea Lyons Kent but other than that have no idea. Also Mike is the embodiment of what my ex copied. In other words Mike is the NYC man type that my ex was a wannabe of. Dying inside. ... 3 hours sleep and waiting to go back to bed. Mom asked if I was making coffee - the same hint dropping she does with Claire. Dying inside. ... the other thing about Mike DG was his aloofness in trust but that's typical of NYC'ers. I went out of my way to explain myself to him once and the next time I saw him in-person instead of online he was straight faced with some attitude. I never conversated with him after that. I was able to see at one point he was carrying out work to increase union numbers. The lack of depth in his "preaching" revealed that but of course someone did a number on ruining my reputation in NYS. Lots of lies about me. I still have very pleasant memories of the girl from Newburg and Judy from California is unforgettable. ... ok looked up his wife's forgotten name and found wrong is wright. Don't know if they're still up there. If he's in the ... 11/12/16 getting ready for more life rape. I told mom robodick will have to help her set up her heart monitor and I was right. Just had it out with her how aloof her immigrant ass is to a child's medical life in America. Consumed with a melania timeline but not enough sleep to be gone for the day like I planned but being life raped again soon. Fucking kill this stupid bitch if - oh she just had to push my buttons this fucking harassing child needs to be sent out of this country. This fucking child ... They're here. Fuck yeah and there he is calling mom by her first name and I have a knife and I'm barely able to charge my phone and see what I'm typing. And I want to kill this intruder. And there she is laughing with him over the heart monitor and I'm traumatized and I'm traumatized and I'm traumatized and their laughing hospice looks like a house and Chris is laughing and I'm traumatized and robodick is talking and this family doesn't need him he said "christine see you later" and I have no idea what brain washing he did to her and I'm traumatized. And I'm traumatized and I think of my fellow ex-illuminati. Not sure why I called them fellow. And I'm traumatized. What brain washing did he do to christine???? Will I get enough sleep for tomorrow? And the potsdam witch's brew is to take final effect on Claire if I have my way. And Chris is letting out her frustrations. Not the happy happy happy shit of Claire. And this family was destroyed rather than helped by Cristine Mirda as she stated her pointlessness of how sad the situation is in court. WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD THAT HAVE IN A JUDGE'S DECISION TO GET PROPER CARE TO SOMEONE WHO HAS SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH AND IS ENTITLED TO TREATMENT? Suffer the brew you jackass. Suffer the brew.. so what's happening is robodick and airhead are getting Chris ready for institutionalized life. And I just told Chris about the wool being pulled over her eyes that it's Claire and rich getting her happy about institutionalized life and they won't be taking her in. And THAT'S why I need to be included in her care and she looked at me when I said that as if she resents hearing that again when she doesn't know what it means. Burn in hell cristina Mirda or fucking do what's right and fix this. Until then burn in hell. ... and I just walked Chris through the institutionalized life she doesn't realize she's being prepared for and that mom is not explaining it to her and Chris said "what is it?" And mom said nothing so I assisted saying "mom?!" And mom said she was asking me and I verified with Chris and Chris said it again verifying she was asking mom and mom said nothing. ... and I again went out and said why mom won't answer Chris and mom pulled her shit there's nothing to answer starting in with her vagueness and THIS TIME Chris chimed in "why she's not..." trailing off because she doesn't understand anything being explained to her. So I finish the sentence "involved in her care???" And mom says nothing. I NEED A WITNESS HERE. THIS WOMAN WILL GLADLY HAVE ME JUST SPIN IN CIRCLES. my screaming got more frantic that our lives are in her hands. And airhead and robodick use this screaming against me. This disability harassment that elicits disability rage. Chris doesn't know how to rise above mom. I've been in those shoes. Otherwise I never would have gone to or finished college. ... and mom turned the tv off and asked Chris if she was ok and I yelled out "how bout answering her question?" And mom was silent until I heard mom whisper to herself "ok" and I yell out no it's not ok etc and right up to now no answer about Chris being institutionalized when happens Chris will NEVER see me again as that is not what was agreed upon in court and I will not have this situation play out like this. Have I gotten a job like I said I wouldn't until this is fixed? Exactly. ... just socked it to this no good immigrant again about christine's silence that only exists because of mom's manipulation. I hope the pacemaker recorder is getting all of this at 3:15pm. We would have been better off with dad's side of the family who are educated. Not this old irish shit we were left in as I have messaged Oprah Winfrey about her colossal failure of me as I cried out to her as a minor and was ignored. Medically ignored. Mom denied what she said to the woman that was here last week. I told that woman we needed someone like her here years ago who lives in reality. ... and so I should just do away with all 3 of us. Chris eventually came out and said she's ok with institutionalized life and that's fine. I was ok with nursing home life. What Chris doesn't realize is no one will ever take her to get better in those conditions. ... and every time I roll by I yell out in harassment to christine so she gets it. She's resorted to being compared to those with Down Syndrome which she is not and something has snapped in me. And mom pulled one of her shit lies before that she was asked at Kessler who was going to pay for christine to get better. The insurance covers us for life stupid bitch. SHE KNOWS THIS. ... and I drink some more as I flash back to this moron playing games of what we've already been thru time and again of Chris missing out with mom under the radar. Never will that happen again. ... and I read some of the above to this medically useless immigrant and if only I could carry out murder. And my charger came apart and I put it back together. And murder is all I flash in my mind. And my jaw hurts bad today and I welcome death. And I only have Vodka left and I think back to the life I lost all because of christine because mom wouldn't look into any programs for her until Claire refused to watch her when mom went away and by then I was almost 30. And Claire has the least brain damage. Sear and burn in the fucking brew. And I will regret all this Vodka tomorrow. Trauma at what our guardian did to us flashes as this asshole before trying to explain a guardianship to ME when she doesn't have a fucking clue. And why is it warming up tomorrow? Because Claire's brew is being broken? And I only want to set us free by killing this bitch. The prayers of children handed me a life of precious illusions - the whole catholic elementary school prayed for us everyday at opening morning prayer and then when it was announced we were coming home for Christmas(?) or maybe the announcement I was coming home for Thanksgiving weekend cheers went up in the school IF I REMEMBER RIGHT. We had no business being left with this woman. Dad's side of the family could have taken better care of us but Claire's godfather declining to give her away from Belle Harbor says it all. I was just still oblivious at the time. ... and this time when I went out Aunt Maureen was on the phone so I yelled and mom said it was me and this is how am operates these days so it seems so I said what am said once "I would never tell my kids to go to college" because she doesn't know anything about it and mom started in about a lawyer to get me out and I reminded her I've been telling her that for 3 years and am doesn't have children injured b4 the age of majority. And am doesn't have a child with a brain injury and mom recently changed her story for PG and will she change her story BACK for am (about going to college)???? Robodick today really set me off and something snapped. I'm hoarse from yelling. I also yelled that I hope am is recording (for the purposes of what her sister didn't do for her handicapped children). Mom asked "what handicaps?" FUCKING STUPID but like an ass I answered Chris is obviously handicapped from a coma longer than me etc. ... woke up and mom sitting in chair with no tv on. Is she thinking anything? I'm sick to my stomach and gave Oprah a piece of my mind today. I'm sick. ... all these years quiet while she was on the phone. Let's try something new. You know what? it's time to drink even though my throat is burning.... 11/13/16 all that sleep but don't feel like getting out of bed. ... and it's only a matter of the final act and returning to peace. And these immigrant moron sisters left me to be married off. ... what's the point of talking. Just want. I don't know what mom's not telling me. I and we need a protector that can provide protection. We need communication. And this ... when I went to the bathroom before I walked by saying "institutionalized life for christine and no family to be seen again." Because something in me has snapped. On the way back I asked Chris if she has Down Syndrome and she said no and I said atleast that's good - that she knows that doesn't apply to her. ... and it's a warm day and mom and Chris are going out. Probably to church and to eat and I cry out for help. And robodick called the place Chris was staying "hospice." Der! And I cry out for legal help of this family. ... and I lay in bed and have my well being raped by apathy(?). And mom said (I think) that she forgot the door opener. Oh well. She's on her own. And Chris is stressed out by mom's goings on. And this family needs legal help. ... and I'm traumatized. ... the chocolate almond milk was good. The coffee I threw out. I ate heated mozzarella cheese w pepper. We need a lawyer. ... no answer about if christine gets evicted from her institution like I did. ... another example of the advances Chris is missing out on without my involvement: : and the date is 11/15/16. ... 11/16/16 so the potsdam witch's brew has spread from Claire's bowels to a swollen leg. Claire won't go for a blood test coz it costs "thousands of dollars" without insurance. If Claire got a diagnosis for brain damage from 3 vehicle accidents and the drugs she did in high school she would pay $0 for a blood test because she would receive backpay of her injury and be put on Medicare. Is mom considering me now? As heated as it was we need dialogue around here as when that woman was here and I expect to be compensated from morris county for the stupendous undue hardship I've had to endure. Oh and Claire's house is up for sale. Where's she going? GA to abandon obligations to Chris and that's why the two of them are candy-coatedly getting Chris ready to be institutionalized? I'm right here ignoring mom's stares as she's had all this time to fix this and I continue to drink. ... fucking drugs. It's 11/18/16 and I go out to add instant coffee to mom's shopping list for the next time she takes me up on my suggestion to have customer service help her shop. As I'm looking for a coupon I see a prescription to a physiatrist in morristown and mom says she's not going to be filling it for christine's transportation. THAT'S MOM'S USUAL. I remind her the doctor at Kessler for the get-better plan is a physiatrist. She can't even pronounce the word. Yesterday when they came home I asked where they ate and Chris gave the wrong answer just like Saturday when Chris said they went to an appt and mom corrected her they went to her handicapped activity. This time though mom heard her give the wrong answer again and mom coldly and scoldly corrected Chris and I know exactly why Chris flew into a rage. We are tired of being left with this negative reinforcement over things we can't help. Flasbacks to the woman here who said none of us should be caring for christine. I've also had another flashback about her that I don't remember right now. 11/21/16 how ironic. Mom and Chris came home from the transportation appt that Chris doesn't have a falling problem and Chris fell. I'm not sure why the police wore gloves this time. New procedure. Chris says she's not hurt but that can't be trusted always. Obeying mom is first and foremost (or there might be hell to pay). It turns out they've been doing the glove wearing. I just wasn't there to witness. To be continued … I don't get headaches but been getting little ones on the right side. Is it finally time to leave this planet like Tammy Wynette? The things people don't know. Tbc … so the witch's brew has Claire by the bowel, swollen leg(s), and now the back. And Claire figured out somehow to go for a bloodtest. There was more that's been happening but can't remember right now. ... fuck I was right Claire never got the message but mom didn't admit that to me. (Mom had been leaving Claire a voice mail and was looking at me to know what the time was as if it's that important for mom to give her that information but the message cut her off because she went quiet so she had to leave another one which didn't go through  AS I SAID. Fucking go!… 11/22/16 life has evolved into christine being thankful when things are done that will shut mom up from stressing her out. I was on hold over my late registration and mom just did her usual complaining about how much pain she's in and she thinks she hears the garbage truck. 1/2 thinking I just picked up the garbage bags and took them out with my cell phone in hand on speaker phone. You could hear the joy and relief in christine's voice as she thanked me and said that I was doing it. Of course I didn't respond though as this existance shouldn't be. I'm still trying to re-remember events from the past few days. ... and at 10pm 11/22/16 (no typo) I got woken up by Chris falling again only this time she didn't fall to the floor. A chair by her saved her. But mom already got her way of a transportation that will take her 2ce a week. Mom also had a pleasant conversation with the social worker of how their appt went and you should have heard the southern comfort sweetness in her voice to Chris tonight after she fell. What new found copycat bullshit of the caretakers of christine's handicapped groups. Because that's what immigrants do. ...11/25/16 so airhead uses her new found research tool of the internet to find out Alfalfa helps the swelling in her legs go down. She's feeling pretty good today. The witch's brew won't keep her feeling like shit I guess. For all the pain I put myself in yesterday I had to get out my old alfalfa pills and white willow bark tea. I have no business helping mom in and out of a back seat Lest I put myself in pain like this again. So today life flashes from growing up in this house happened when I put some tea to steep with one mug covering over the cup and herb ball with a handle just fine until I rolled out of the room and soon after it crashed to the floor - mom's hardwood floors must be to blame for floor shaking (I've done this everyday since and no problems but I also sit by it). So mom's nerves initially came to surface when she saw me try to balance the top mug first. She sounds as bad as when she's a passenger in a car on the highway. So I roll out of her kitchen hardwood floors to her living room ones since I was extremely bored just sitting there watching one mug on top of the other. Turned on tv about to watch segment and here the commotion in the kitchen of mom screaming at me how stupid I am and I scream back how she ruined lives like that not letting children learn from mistakes and Chris started going on at the commotion but Chris has the same complaints about mom. So after the crash I cleaned it up and took out another (matching) mug to go over the cup and mom starts screaming/crying "you're going to break another mug on me!?" And I say "would you stop?!" And mom is silent. Many times that's all she needs that no one is here to protect us from this loose cannon. When she pulled that shit on the love of my life he said "look why don't you just do this..." and it snapped her out of her loose cannon ways. Flashes back to the woman that was here recently who I would expect to do the right thing but I suffer precious illusions. I emailed some officials after Chris almost fell to the floor recently and they can't talk to me coz I'm not in the guardianship. Something mom grotesquely gloats about as children lose their lives. ... 11/28/16 unbelievable morning being woken up by the doorbell and mom going on and I ask who it is and her answer indicates it's the social worker here to have more papers signed and mom takes so long to open the garage that the social worker calls on the phone and mom struggles her way to the phone stressing us out and tells her about coming in the garage. From the back of the house taking my first morning pee I can hear the garage only open a little and yell to mom to keep going. She can't hear me so I yell louder. I then hear her going on as if I'm the problem and I hear the garage open a bit more and I yell to keep going so she starts screaming she can't hear me and Chris joins in yelling at mom so by the time I come out and the social worker is here Chris is all frazzled and I'm sure to relate we just had a screaming match because mom won't get a hearing aid (this is after mom called all of this blaggarding as she presses the garage door opener for the third time). So when Chris is going on that "this is all wrong" the social worker is saying "it's alright" and I let her know it's because of the screaming match we just had and mom looks at me and avers "this is my problem" and I think it's then that I say "Seeee" and as mom signed the papers I asked about Chris falling again and mom did her usual that it was only because of the day and Chris walking down the ramp and I said "what about her falling the next night on her chair in her room" (after I did another "Seeee") and the social worker said that's why she's trying to get someone in here for help throughout the day. After the social worker leaves mom calls the woman who was here recently about a major event Chris will be going to and mom does her usual as if it's no big deal that she "has a little problem driving at night" and I don't know the conversation that transpired but mom feels comforted in having things the way they are. I really need to clean up this story when nonmobile. It's not easy doing it like this. ... and I just read the above to mom and instead of conversate about REAL problems is only defensive until eventually like a child says "I have a roof over my head and you don't" and although I shouldn't have to I say "and whose fault is that?" I do.  No one will ever know the depth of what we were put through being released to this house as children. No justice and to be cared for my childishness. After I finished reading this to mom I said " do you know how negligent you sound to the world?" That I needed a social worker around here like that as a teen but mom used the tactic of fear to stay away from those people lest I be made to leave home like Claire was. And as I remind her of all this history she doesn't remember supposedly. I'm glad Danielle was here to semi-witness this today. Will someone save me????? Cleaning lady coming today. To get drunk or not to get drunk. To drink or not to drink as children's lives whittle away due to Judge Deanne m. wilson. ... and so I drink. Save me!!!! Save me!!!! Get me a viable life. SAVE ME. SAVE ME! . .. dying inside for the children left behind. Absolutely dying. Got one hour sleep and need to take shower if going to get more alcohol. Who left us here to stay traumatized? Earlier telling mom about our needs in our own country and she said she'll ship me back to Ireland where "they'll kick me in the ass" and I said "like I said we need to be protected by the laws of our own country and not the threat of violence." The cleaning lady was here then. No one for my trauma. To stay drinking or to shower? To stay in bed or to shower? Trauma. ... I'm nonmobile but no time to fix this story. Before I left tonight me and chris had to do the usual of call a sleeping mom so she doesn't complain about missing world news and I tell her she's going to have to pick up christine's pen chris just dropped and she tells me to pick it up and as soon as stupid came out of her mouth I said about some foreigner abusing the laws of this country. and then it hit me that mom had laws in this country protecting Christine and protected Claire and I'm the only one that not only has no laws protecting an injured child but also the one to lose out. I don't feel like doing much editing to this. I just want to go home and self medicate. NOTE TO SELF: I'VE BEEN HERE FOR GOING ON TWELVE HOURS WITH ACCOUNT PROBLEMS AND ENERGIES TOWARD AFRICA AND AMERICA ENVIRONMENTS. NEED TO PROOF READ ALL FROM THE FIRST 11/28/16 TO THE END BELOW - done 12/7/16. 11/30/16 and I just had to tell mom the tv is too loud for Chris and she started to argue with me but turned down the tv. And mom came out of the shower without a towel because she's in too much pain to bother with it and it's clear mom shouldn't be caring for Chris if she's in this much pain. And I stay glued to "I'm not doing a damn thing" the more this injustice carries on. ... a couple times today mom talked about getting a taxi for her and Chris Saturday so mom has money going up in flames of pride rather than providing adequate family care. And I lay here as the day turns into night as our lives were failed by morris county. ... asked mom if Claire said why christopher hasn't called back and mom said she doesn't know that Claire doesn't keep track of him and I said "why not? He's a developmentally disabled child" and mom scoffed and I clarified "ADULT disabled child" and then I said how the cycle of neglect continues in Claire and it would have been more so if I had kids. I actually understand christopher that due to his disability he spent most time with his mother so does things like her like refusing to have the unaccountable government operate on his hernia so he was released from the Marines instead. Same here that christopher probably knows about my talk of the witch's brew in this house and believes his mother picked something up here so stays away. Funny how Claire and robodick don't do laying on of hands anymore to heal their infirmities. Like I tried to tell Claire long ago after YEARS of questioning and weighing, they were merely the witnesses of Wiccan activity OR a witness of the Amish witch activity in Ohio. Flashes of things I didn't get to say to that woman when she was here and I'm blank right now about those flashes for the most part but she has no idea how much of an act mom puts on. I can't believe the ABSOLUTE NEGLECT here. Anyways as I make bodily noises like a child would do and christine laughs like a child would do I guess we all know who the child abusers aiding and abetting are. ...that's odd. At 3:19am 12/1/16 a harassing ring came in on mom's phone. I was just in the middle of fighting with that woman who came here (in my head) too. This narcissist is out there sleeping just fine while her children are tormented. ... well I had no idea I was that close. Bilberry juice v.s. glucose problems (as Claire's blood test reveals). ... turns out christopher is living back home and when I rubbed it in mom was sure to be defensive he's working everyday and I immediately said "that doesn't mean he's making it out in the world." Just like me. Just coz I was in school, just coz I was away, just coz I lived in an abode I bought DOESN'T MEAN I'm making it out in the world. Flashes of Betsy telling me I was making it but I knew I would sink w/o her son. And that I did. :-(. ... note for tomorrow christine's sleeveless coat ?... 12/2/16 so much time has been wasted all these months that christine has been here and now she has a new transportation for a few days a week. Christine's work gave mom a problem that her work are for those independent and Chris can't get the sleeve of her jacket off by herself so she's not independent. Mom will be having Chris go to work everyday now in a sleeveless jacket even in winter. That's the usual that instead of dealing with issues from a medical standpoint mom does what she can. Same happened with me and college and local highschool testing. After I went to the highschool nurse SENIOR YEAR for a hearing test and my disability testing started mom asked her friend margaret what to do. Margaret referred her to a neuropsychologist in NYC. That NYC doctor recommended Marist which is relatively close to home. Marist wouldn't accept me so instead of calling professionals mom had her uneducated cousin Ann call with her and and they still said no (even though I was to be in the special needs program). That was the end of it. That's a pattern. All of this raping of my long-term life just because mom is left in charge. Waiting for the next disaster after losing all my credit, my house, my future. Mom doesn't realize Danielle is young and new on the job and that's why things are going rosy OR mom knows exactly what she's doing like when she insisted we were better with a male insurance case worker because the women aren't as easily a push over. ... so as mom and Chris are leaving the house mom says "What are you doing down there?" I had her phone on speaker phone and the facebook corporate message was playing and I had to put my ear closer coz I couldn't hear over mom's talking. Only then does the hearing aid caregiving refuser realize her phone is on speaker phone. The woman who was here recently just called. Mom is/was quiet today and the precious illusion side of me says it's because it's finally hitting mom that based on Christopher I was never A-Ok either and she made a big mistake while the history -tracking side of me says she's hiding something like Claire surrounding Christopher's birth. ... and as Josh groban is on I show mom THE SIMPLE FUCKING VIOLIN I WANTED TO PLAY. mom could answer how many sisters I have but not how many I can depend on. ... so mom is on the phone with aunt Maureen and I read today's events aloud and eventually mom hangs up with her because background noise is a problem and mom tells me AM is calling 911 and I tell mom to go ahead and drop poison in my drink while I'm gone and I tell mom when I come back to not lie like she just did. ... absolutely dying inside. This woman left to our american care. Lots of fighting 12/2. ... supposed to be awake and showered in an hour but since only 3 hrs sleep and the new post office person is ripping me off. Not only no sleep but I try to make plans with this bag of rocks for Sunday and all she does is say no no no and make everything difficult and I told her if this is the 1/2 ass information she gives to pat guide just to hear what she wants of course I wind up teaching pat guide a thing or two instead of vice versa. ... 12/4/16 absolutely dying inside without a father or mentor for proper guidance in America. Trying to sleep. 12/7/16 So calls me for help this morning. I think I was working on getting back to sleep. christine's bus had been late so they had to come back inside and sit down after the guy in charge said he needed to send someone else because the other guy was new and got lost. She asked me to answer the phone in case it was him calling because he didn't come on time. So I relayed the message it will be another half hour with another driver. They come in and sit down and I hear what I think is saying "I hope I can get back up." Sure enough she is going on about having a problem and cries/yells me to come help her out of the chair and I reel about what she would do without me. I get down the stairs and she's whining (which after the burden she's been carrying is understandable. dealt with productively? no. Understandable? yes.) she can't get up from the seat. So she has me put my arm out so she can grab it and falls back to the seat on the first try. I widen my stance for better balance and it's a success and I tell her to sit on the side (the arm rest). 3 times didn't understand me but finally got it. After I wake up Christopher makes a surprise visit which all worked out for me as usual. I hear him say about his mother that he doesn't know much about what's wrong with her. WTF? What can I say? ... I went down to Christine today because mom is too slow these days when she does errands and wasn't back in time. When Chris was taking her jacket off she asked me to do one side and I asked if people at shop help her and she said sometimes. The disabled man fellow passenger today said he wants to marry Christine as relayed through the driver. The driver thought I was my mother I guess because that's what he expected. ... and what's happened in the past couple days is I had to use mom's car and like a normal person adjusted the mirrors as I needed them. That is a real problem for mom who needs someone around to help her live the modern technological world. She insinuates I did something to the mirrors and she's going to have to go to her mechanic to ask for them to be fixed and I COMPLETELY pointed out that is a sure indication something is REALLY wrong - and she's left to care for Christine??? So at some point I go to her and show her the motions her hand has to go through to adjust the passenger side mirror. Then the next day she says I broke it. LIFEFLASH. That's something she would say to her sister who was the drunk of the family and correctly identified me as not being the dead child due to ear piercings. ... 12/12/16 so there is a bunch of things these past couple of days I'll have to get to, won't be able to get to due to forgetting, or will wind up remembering sometime in the future. As a matter of fact I've forgotten already. I do know the cleaning of a brace that covers up the medical condition revealed by the dirtiness of the brace (that was first pointed out by my doctor for Christine during guardianship proceedings) is sad, abusive, and desperate. Mom is free to have her immigrant paranoia that her freak foreign child is after her money but when that gets in the way of an incompetent's medical condition and places the incompetent in danger (APPROVED BY A JUDGE) that is a different story. 12/12/16 I contemplated whether I would have another drink for more sleep but these drug events helped that decision. Mom is doing everything possible to have things done her way which puts our medical lives at risk. All the extra needed information for christine I have no idea if it's going down a rabbit hole. Today mom can't go help Chris upon arriving home. I hope everything is ok. To avoid mom-stress I notice Chris takes little steps when walking lately to help avoiding falling. (In other words Christine is doing everything possible to avoid mom's overt reactions and screaming if anything happens). I notice christine's ... nm this info is going into a rabbit hole. I remember what I was going to say. I caught christine doing the other day what I did right up to my 40s and even today - seeking mom's approval regardless of all else. I'm totally in touch with the sibling life of christine and being stuck at home Saturday I came across a Little House marathon I knew she would enjoy as that is the vocational family life we did growing up ( minus mom who didn't watch tv). After about 4 or 5 shows Chris wanted her game shows on until some other old shows started which I told her about. She put on the channel I told her at the designated time and when The Incredible Hulk came on mom said "now what's this crazy show?" and I said "what we watched growing UP!" as mom is completely aloof to the damage she's done she defensively says "well I don't know..." We've been thru this before not only the damage "crazy" does to the brain-injured but we had a life with our father she is oblivious to. But being in the mindset I was always in (possibly because of what Claire set in motion) Christine happily sets out to explain we used to watch The Hulk and Wonder Woman "before the accident" and disconnected mom says "yeah?" ... the other thing is that the new drivers are leaving the vehicle to help Christine. Are they going against protocol? The mentally handicapped gentleman who said he wanted to marry christine had started running toward me that day and the black driver with black Harlem Globe Trotter humor stopped him in a humorous way. Chris deserves to have sibling(s) like she once did. ARE YOU LISTENING JUDGE DEANNE M. WILSON, CRISTINA MIRDA ESQ, AND STEVEN J STRAUB??? you won your cases and left lives to rot worse than before scumbags. JUST WHEN THINGS WERE FINALLY GOING TO HAPPEN FOR CHILDREN LEFT BEHIND BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH MIRDA'S "SAD" - NESS YOU GO AND MAKE IT THAT MUCH SADDER. YOU FED IN TO A PARANOID IMMIGRANT WHO NEVER RECEIVED HELP FOR HER VERY REAL PROBLEMS. ... so me and Chris enjoy Body Language because it's a lot like $25,000 Pyramid and we're watching after mom walked to the kitchen and I can't remember if it was Jason Bateman or Kim Fields (short term memory - because this just happened in the last 15 minutes) but the word popped up on the screen and the players got it right and Chris said "I thought it was "?" and I asked Chris if she could see the word on the screen and she said no and I said I would just let the whole world know because no one is listening to me that by not wearing her glasses her guardian is not taking care of her. She didn't answer me as to all the Family Died answers she can't see [I totally don't know what I intended to type here]. Mom is now talking to an automated system. ... so even though mom comes from countries(s) run by female presidents mom bows to patriarchy due to The Way International and the embarassment I was to her toppled off by her lawyers who convinced her guardianship objection is a bad thing. Mom learned from aunt Maureen how to handle boys and although I know she plays along, it is utter bullshit in her life that she not only backed down to robodick but christopher and tj as well. Mom is playing the part of someone who is not her. DANGER. you know I wonder if I was john f Kennedy in a past life who was killed for his danger about secret societies but I don't think I have his eyes. Jesus said the eyes are the window to the soul and that's what he meant. ... and I decide to sleep my day away again instead of do an overnight. Got woken up by the loud tv mom can't do without and christine suffers through. It's just like on Friday when I brought dinner home and mom's christmas music doll was playing loud and it was annoying and Chris told mom to shut it off and I let it be known how me and Chris are the same with that. Flashes to Rosemary Kennedy who suffered delayed birth brain damage (and at 8:24 pm we got a harassing phone ring just before aunt Maureen that mom called to make herself feel better - and now talking about a baby born) and how Rosemary was known to stare at a blank wall for hours. - I've done the same. ... I wasn't too far off about the drugs either. Whitney Houston moved from Newark to Mendham whereby she spiraled down in a world of drugs. Told-you-so! ... 12/15/16 and I'm forgetting the dream now but everyone was mad at me which was consistent. And I don't know why the energy companies are calling me when I don't own the house anymore. Mom said maybe it wasn't sold and I said her and Claire should have found that out. And I only want this life over as getting "help" for my problems only cost me all legal rights but the potsdam witch's brew got Claire. Suffer ... 12/17/16 so I'll guess the plan was foiled again to simply rub hands and say "my job is done." Claire's not around anymore to help mom clear out the house quickly. I have a feeling that first happened when surrogate papers were mailed to me without preparation. Mom just goes on constantly stressing everyone out but since Chris is not verbal mom just gets away with it. This time the foiling seems to be the witch's brew of Claire's new diagnosis of diabetes. Claire's not around anymore to help mom clear out the house quickly. Judge Deanne Wilson surely fed into the loose cannon doing the same behavior of just wanting to be done with this responsibility and that I'm "fine." I guess if you consider all the beer guzzling Claire did in high school followed by chronic yeast infections there might be a tie-in. Add in all the extra drinking she did dealing with the stress of marriage and child rearing. There goes mom with outbursts stressing us out. I'm at fault for convincing Claire garlic would get rid of her yeast infections 20(?) years ago and by the time I found out it was most likely Susan Powter's apple cider vinegar 15(?) years later Claire had already refused to take me in from a nursing home eviction (FUCKING STUPID) so it's her loss. At least I was the one to start Claire on the road to herbs. Before that we just happened to simultaneously be following the fruit regiment of Fit For Life which is probably what gave me an alkaline system. And yet another example of mom's loose cannon denial that she's throwing away the receipts of christine's last respite stay (or one of them) instead of submitting to the insurance for reimbursement. Items were a cheeseburger from East Hanover Diner; and something from walmart with (ARC) listed - HEARTBREAK. There was another item as well. And I think of all the medical abuse I've endured being kept out of services that could have helped me. Flashes to algebra that made no sense to me and I failed miserably so I was put in remedial geometry and did so well at it that I was put back into regular algebra /trig where I failed miserably again. No one in high school to explain to me it is simply the manipulation of numbers by using letters. And the mother of the non-handicapped child I was compared to growing up probably helped feed into the denial. The old irish thinking that goes on vacation from (?). And aunt Maureen's second oldest child is scheduled to come here to drop something off who is married to a guy from the town we had our accident in. When I used to belch loudly after Fit For Life it was constant laughter for christine but it was no laughing matter that once mom heard her cousin's daughter had the same situation I was simply compared. The sonogram had already revealed I had nothing wrong with me so I must just be swallowing too much air (?!?!???). Then at 21 when it was discovered I had loose teeth I was compared to the 50 year old genetics of mom's other cousin. The price paid for mom's comfort that "nothing's wrong" only uplifted and further comforted by Morris County. ... UNBELIEVABLE! This whole family. Does not want to hear or deal with my disability! At least taking my internet information. Brushes off the notion of developmental disability as if it's no big deal. Fucking drugs and mom is just standing there as that I'm crazy. Unbelievable. My cousin Says I can work so nothing wrong. Unbelievable. Actually I wasn't thinking clearly at the time that - if I can work - where was she when NYS declared me unemployable (until I go to Sunnyview for pharmalogical and other treatment)??? But like I've said before this joke of an Irish life in America is very different than on the main land. On the main land every one is very involved in each other's lives. NOT in America. Me being away for so long only fed the sickness mom has. Mom stood there waiting for another victory. Being here would have made things worse. Being away kept everyone just as aloof. Feeling life rape. Unbelievable. I came out and admitted I don't do a damn thing and the reasons why. When she (my cousin) said I'm not doing anything to better the situation 30 years of my life flashed before my eyes. They need to read my blog. Just total denial of the inappropriateness that forms the incomplete adult who's had the incomplete child medical life. Doesn't even matter (forgot what I was going to say). Anyway the attitude is just the sting of justice that no one cares about. ... I actually hope I'm not repulsive. It could be they don't know what to say to me with mom there. In a court of law there are no secrets. Precious illusions feel they'll take an interest in my online info I gave them. Feeling the sting of the silence around justice. ... my long term flashback memory now comes back that my cousin said my blog is my truth. THE AIR! THERE WAS MEDICAL NEGLECT - A REPORTING IF YOU WILL OF THE UNREPORTED. THAT IS NOT TRUTH. THAT IS WORKING TO SAVE A LIFE!!! HOW DOES NO ONE SEE THIS???? ... 12/18/16 and here I am with a few hours sleep at 1am beside myself of child medical neglect. No one knows untreated seizures increase brain damage so they don't know how drug addicted around children they sound. Just dying inside but going onto round 2 instead which hasn't been helping lately coz I been staying awake. Just dying inside as to the silence instead of proactive in the lives of children. 4:30am and still awake and in despair. Mom was a casey Anthony. In our small town it is easily verifiable mom used to go to that deli. Where was the lie? To the court? To only me? To? ... 12/20/16 I woke up later than I wanted. Have a full 8 hours sleep. Made a full pot of coffee and mom told me the coffee is done (we had already been through it that when I make the coffee it's too much for her so I need to get my coffee first) and after I pour mine she asks me to pour christine's (nice try happens all the time) and I put it back saying "no you can do it" and she protests saying it's too heavy for her full like that and I say it's back to the usual amount she does every day and she says " it's still too heavy" and I say "you should tell the surrogate's court that" and out comes her noise of disgust with disregard for our legal and medical rights. Leah Remini said it perfect last night on A&E that the anger is elicited out of the victim so that they look like the crazy person and the problem. Then the brainwaher just keeps getting away with brainwashing. More elements of our lives are coming from Remini such as that and other things she said. Tom Cruise is only significant with Claire re: the movie Top Gun unless there's something I don't know how Scientology plays in to Claire's group. ... I could always tank again today instead of my plans. Mom's on a senior abuse kick again and I don't know where she's getting it from. Then again I have to send those pictures of medical neglect to the right person. ... 12/21/16 I have so much murderous rage dripping from my lips. I'm not sure if Claire sounds like this family or my cousin has spent too much time with Claire in the "so what?" attitude/look. It's quite possible my family is going into retreat from me thinking this I have hate toward them. Before even addressing that issue there was CHILD that NEEDED to be given proper building block for life. DISCONNECT ... so the previous was written after 12am and now that I'm awake I've tanked for the day. When I got home last night with dinner from KFC mom questioned the dinner she requested because she lacks cognitively connecting what she hears on the phone with what she can visualize. Most likely that's a huge reason she was disconnected from my NY life. Then she complained about cutting the chicken breast for Chris that she can't do it anymore and we had a repeat of the surrogate's court from yesterday. I followed that up with the chosen children pics on the christmas tree being the same as the ones that were never put back up after some supposed painting. I got no response when I asked if it was an old erse folktale that keeping the pics of the damned souls (like me) up is exposing the innocent (like her) to evil. - paraphrase. ... 12/22/16 mom thought she was going to dupe me into doing dinner. I was doing my first meal of the day when they got home. It was going to be 3 pieces of bacon and 2 eggs. She tells me to put up an extra piece of bacon - for her. Ok. (I can sense though she's doing an unspoken exchange with Christine). Then she says to Chris maybe they'll just have bacon and eggs for dinner. So I take the 4 pieces of bacon and put 4 more on and to her surprise tell her to turn them when she needs and take off with my own. I had already told her she may not like how I do the eggs: pour out the bacon fat, add a little butter. She insisted it would be ok so I did the above and put a cover on the 4 eggs. She asked me why I was leaving after 2 minutes and I said I give them 4 minutes. DAH! ALOOF THAT HER OWN NOBODY-TAUGHT-HER-HOW-TO-COOK-AND-SHE-JUST-DID-IT-WHEN-HAD-TO DOES NOT APPLY TO HER HANDICAPPED CHILD ESPECIALLY AND ALSO THAT'S WHY SHE STOPPED ME FROM DOING THESE THINGS UPON ARRIVAL FROM SERIOUS INJURIES IN A HOSPITAL. THE GUARDIAN WE HAD NO MEDICAL PROTECTION FEOM. Pat guide came here today and my heart sank when she said she hasn't been able to read my blog all this time. She noted her computer is being fixed but that doesn't explain why her sister(?) couldn't view it either :-(. So sad. So sad today I tanked. Oh back to the eggs, after she had hers and after I told her the yolk is only semi soft she says she usually breaks hers so she may not like it. I WARNED HER. the only devastating part is the continued criticism that negatively affects me and Chris that it will be easier for Chris to recover from due to long term memory loss - than for me. Hope Claire is enjoying her suffering for leaving us in this static atmosphere. ... AS ALWAYS TRANSFERRED IN FROM G+ POST FROM 2014: 12/27/16 so mom tried to pull a fast one on me again by not telling me visiting nurses is coming here for Chris. Her plan actually backfired as now I can't take a shower and will be here when they get here. I planned on being at the library all day. There go those plans. ... 12/29/16 I'm tanking. Had plans to do an 8 or 9 hour day but a follow-up call from the person who was here the other day called. I'm thinking I should stick around to find out what's next she's not telling me as my life hangs in the balance. I just felt a sharp pain in my right chest area. I'll welcome leaving this earth with open arms. ... some things that came out of that meeting is that mom has to stop lying about christine's assets. I'm in a mess over what she had me do so she might as well be honest now or they'll catch up with her later. I COMPLETELY FORGOT 7 YEARS AGO MOM READILY ADMITTED IN FRONT OF CHRISTINE'S ATTORNEY THAT THEY WERE "PUTTING THIS AMOUNT ASIDE" FOR THE GUARDIANSHIP." The meeting is again recorded if she tries to go back. As mom's paranoia increases I'm left here with only corruption to dwell on in my handicapped life instead of protection. Mom openly declared she's meeting with people like that over lunch anymore to avoid my "abuse." I'm telling you the danger of mom "leaving the past in the past" is mom's ticket to the past never happened. 2ce mom started yelling over me to stop me from talking - 1ce about how Claire refuses to go to any type of counseling due to the religion she got involved in and I don't remember the other right now but it's noted some place. That's when mom started in about calling a lawyer and I reminded her I've been telling her to do that for 3 years and I'm the injured child who winds up on the street. My input is a threat to mom's lies so the solution is mom meeting with these people where I am not. Mom came right out and said I'm an embarrassment. That me being truthful was her embarrassment. Do we see how twisted this is yet? It's just like when pat guide said the new catch phrase that I was "gone for 20 years". Really? So what about the time period me and my ex witnessed christine come out of her shell with a new puppy I brought home 1992-1994? What about all those doctor's appts I came here for up to the year 2000 and more? What about the times after 2000 I would drive down to clean for mom? What about the semester I was living here in 1997 when I had to withdraw from school over landlord discrimination? Which 20 years are we speaking of? The one in mom's fantasy? The catch phrase is a city slicker "just say" policy as was the bread-already-in-the-house story. It's only american lives mom is disconnected with that hang in the balance. ... funny how princess lea dying coincides with me not seeing Leah Remini on A&E anymore about the truth of how her cultist life is so much like this family. Leah if you are still alive I'll take the bullet for you. Don't stop speaking the truth. Even if you need to switch to something like public television don't stop. ... cannot forget so it's the drunken time of day but since my plans are cancelled due to keeping honesty on the homefront I'm wasting my time by trying to get enough sleep. ... good looking plumber came to our house this new years eve. He's the same plumber as years past. I just happened to notice his sexiness this year. His same namesake as a theresa I've known made me think he's related in that he has the same color eyes from what I remember. He's divorced with 2 grown boys but I'm not attractive anymore so what am I thinking. I have skin tags and overweight. My ex and NYS sucked the confidence right out of me. Mom just gave me sheer confusion never accepting her freak handicapped child. If I get back the will to live I know what direction to go in with herbal teas and nutrition. Accepting the shortness of breath and blurred vision all falling on surrogate's court karma. Anyway it seems a whole lot of people around here are from the same town as the boy in early high school I had my eye on. I was so taken with him that I wound up in the bathroom crying over him and the most popular girl in school comforted me for a very brief period of my life. When she didn't see me respond like other kids that was the end of it. My response was to smile when she looked at me specifically but didn't know what to say so she stopped talking to me. Better based on a Maureen who became popular while dating a popular guy but when they stopped dating ALL popularity was dropped like a hot potato. My guy wasn't even particularly popular. I was just more mature about relationships with no place to go. Anyway when I looked him up all these years later it sounds like he's a cop. How ironic my one and only was a bad boy wannabe just to have his convenient wife connections get him a new job at suny potsdam while he's still inappropriately placed. And those are the details of an inappropriately placed developmentally disabled brain injured child just waiting to be the next greatest terrorist act. ... just found one of the sweetheart homecoming Queens who was best friends with the popular person I noted. Gosh I would never recognize her and she went to school in Boston. She stuck up for all the unpopular that were being bullied but not me. No one knew what to do with me. Maybe I came across as too "with it" but walked funny with a limp and just an odd character. She went to school in Boston. I'm not finding enough on the other one. .. funny how that happened. The cousin of my childhood bully who, baffled, asked me why I allow my sexual harassers to do what they do, went on to be a criminal defense attorney. As mom taught me to have zero defenses I just sat there and couldn't answer her on the bus that day. My bully's stepfather died early at 69. My bully is not divorced but is the one of 2 people I saw at the store one night. The father of the lawyer only died last year. I need more alcohol. ... 1/1/17 gearing up for more stress and another heart ache as tj is coming here to pick up presents. I'll be laying here and not going out to see him as Claire's brain spins in pure air to the legal rape of our lives. Many of the cops - searing thoughts on the fools my mother made us out to be. My grammar school bully had parents who owned a bar next to the deli. They can probably vouch for the lie told by my mother and they knew the whole time. Total stung of everything I've been thru just to have Deanne M. Wilson worsen the fate. Flashes of - 1/2 hr and he's still not here. Flashes of the justice left unknown when I carried out the sexual abuse done on me in a hospital to my cousin. Really intense realities. 5 mins later and it sounds like he's here. Do they even look in my car? Maybe it wasn't him. yes it was and he knows the garage code. Mom forgot that. Claire is ordering Chinese food. Mom asks if he's staying or in a hurry and I guess he is having tea? Tj got all A's and this was his hardest semester. Christopher being a far cry with developmental issues is obvious too late. I really can't understand what tj is saying so much but I guess that's normal that christopher is more articulate. Mom had tj open the bottle I couldn't. She was going to ask the plumber when he was here but forgot. There's no real conversation. Just small talk. A woman on my father's side works at his college. Our first cousin. And tj says nothing. Rutgers. Our cousin said "we all need to get together soon." That's for damn sure to save my fucking life! I'll be drinking soon. So the small talk is over. And he has the bag of presents and asks if mom needs anything (before he goes) and mom doesn't understand so he clarifies so he's doing some lightbulbs now. #rutgers. #Norrie #braindamage. So now he's leaving with more small talk. In the midst of child #child tragedy such shallowness because the Illuminati was there to remove Claire from a $7million lawsuit that could have been for Claire being told her sister is dead because of her. Flashbacks to theresa Murray doing the same shrug off as Claire. #leahremini #thewayinternational ... I'm going to guess it was the tv that woke me after round 1 and brushing my teeth was the usual gagging problem with a throwing up. Spit out blood before and after throwing up dinner. Don't know if it's digestive irritation from Vodka or something with lungs. My chronic shortness of breath would indicate lungs. There are those that could save a life before it's too late at the morris county surrogate's court. ... 1/4/17 so I learned last night Oprah used to wear contacts. I have to wonder - haha commercial just on about tears - not only when the eye infection happened but if they helped or hurt her crying on cue. Today mom calls about something she got in the mail because she doesn't know the definition of voucher. Yes this is what we were left with. Lots going thru my head recently especially the tragic idiot mom must have made us all look like thinking "just say" that in certain situations doesn't work in a small town .... there go my plans for the day because this lack of regularly scheduled sleep enhances holiday hours confusion. Wondering if mom is out having lunch she threatened to do when visiting nurses was here and me telling the truth is her "embarrassment" so doing lunch with them is her way of not having me around. I asked if city nurses would be coming and response was they have people from all over and I let on that we were kept from this years ago due to that fear. ... 1/6/17 how the conversation turned to an apex of screaming: mom changed her story(s) multiple times or lied. THIS IS NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY ALL MY LIFE POST ACCIDENT. Wake up and tell mom I'm making coffee and does she want some. She says yes so I make 8 cups. A bit later she says " so you're not going to the library today?" And I say no that there's not enough time and she says "time?" and at some point in the conversation I say I don't remember what turned me off about this town's libraries but I think they're timed and I explain what that means (with a long-term heartbreak I have to explain to my only guardian those disability needs - but don't) and that I only go to ones that have untimed computers. I then tell her it's like I told her many times to go take a computer class at the library - that all libraries have them and her response to me was she would hire someone to show her and she never did that and why not have her family of grandsons or son-in-law show her. On cue mom is right there to say they don't have time (as in they're too busy) and I start that that is her excuse and point out the impersonalness of the personal people in her life.I gave the example of 'just like instead of calling your grandsons or son-in-law to come take the snow off the deck because you can't do it anymore eventually the water from the snow soaks into her hardwood floors and not only does she have to pay to fix the floor but pay to have (the indoor) door cut" (because the door broke off the top hinge when I tried to close it one day) and I was cut off with defenses and lies starting I think with she's never cleaned off the deck followed by she never told me she "can't do it anymore." As my mariah carey note scale started to rise I brought up why she doesn't have the electric snow shovel anymore - because she can't use it anymore. She throws up a defense the handle of it is broken. As I rise to my G note it didn't hit me yet that she's changing the subject. She seemed a bit taken aback that I knew the exact location of it: at Claire's. As if I don't know what's going on. Eventually I said these are the type of lies she told in a surrogate's court and she says she didn't lie so I again go thru the lie correction she did of me in court saying Chris was waiting on the landing waiting for her bus and I told the judge it's not true. How ironic that while writing all of this the story of unsuccessful lying city slicker 'lil Kim was on who went to jail for perjury. As has been repeated multiple times in this blog, as I was talking in court to Judge Wilson I said Christine was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes when she fell backwards and was finally put on seizure meds. My mother openly declared to the court "Christine was not! She was on the landing waiting for her bus!" I told Judge Wilson that was completely not true. Now out of court mom has since retracted that she ever said in court Chris was on the landing waiting for her bus. THE TYPE OF HARASSMENT TODAY SPILLING OVER TO DISABILITY CONFUSION ABUSE ELICITS THE EXACT REACTION CLAIRE AND THE COURT USED AGAINST ME THEN AND NOW. ... RIGHT NOW CHRISTINE IS KEEPING UP THE "PLEASE MOM AND STAY IN DESTRUCTION MODE" SIMPLY BY BEING HAPPY AT THE SUCCESS IN BEING ABLE TO CORRECTLY ANSWER QUESTIONS WHICH IS VITAL TO OUR REHABILITATIVE WELL-BEING. (Chris is in the dining room answering mom's questions).  the difference is I'm empowered to DO something about it while Christine is not. I just yelled out to Chris to turn up the tv if mom wants to hear the questions / answers and Chris did. Mom said "no that's ok" but it is NOT ok. As Chris stopped answering I could tell she was getting frustrated just like earlier I could tell Chris was enjoying The Chase and mom disregarded christine's delayed responses to her questions about Chris's day until I finally said something to mom. ... in the middle of doing stuff and hear mom say to aunt Maureen "... but I can't do that anymore." I motion whisper my acknowledgement about it but then realize I have since broken that barrier. So I speak louder and since I was going to my car I bring in the mail she's talking about. Sitting there and sifting thru the mail and say it loud again and say "you can read about it in my BLOG"and I hear mom laugh and as I control my blood curdling I say "no laughing matter" and eventually soon aunt Maureen gets off the phone. ... rage is setting in as I watch too cute on animal planet remembering back to the change in christine with my dog but mom is brain washing her to only remember Claire's dog. Cassie was an outdoor dog that was there for healing at our accident as was our indoor dog casey. Cassie only became an indoor dog in her senior years. Cassie is just as significant because she was there before and after the accident and along with that dog is our tie to her previous owners. My dog pulled christine out of her zombie-like shell. It was a time Chris was able to get on the floor and play with a ball or jax and my new puppy found christine's head a fascinating ball of hair. Chris would laugh incessantly as my dog would use her paws and nose to rummage through Christine's hair and lick Christine's ear even trying to climb on top of Christine's head. Mom would spoil the moment screaming about christine's earings so I got in the habit of removing her earrings before getting on the floor. Thoughts right now are fumigating at this control freak and her sisters who at least act like they all stand by her. Told mom she should watch Leah Remini on 20/20 and she scoffed at the fact it's what she threw christine's life away to. Some kind of disconnect around here happened that is completely false and I'll just keep hanging out underwear while the witch's brew kicks Claire's ass and mom comes to learn all I been telling her is truth but we have no way to save us. I remember once mom saying - forgot my thought. Ok - that my dog is a rude dog because she humps a lot. THAT IS HOW A DOG WITH EXCESS ENERGY GETS IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEM - ESPECIALLY SPORT DOGS WHO DON'T GET ENOUGH EXERCISE. Is this twisted immigrant we've been left with thinking it's a sexual thing like her repressive catholic upbringing??? I'll be damned this is ending this way for us american children. Chris mentions Cassie all the time but not my dog who was way more significant in christine's well-being .... 1/7/17 today when I woke up mom was chipper than usual that I had to wonder what she's hiding. I think with the snow she's glad to have me here maybe? Later on I hear her whisper into the phone about banking - she wanted to know about a charge in a new account she just opened. Most likely she is hiding christine's money under her own social security number and lying about how much Chris has like she did with visiting nurses. In hindsight we never went into the deli again that we had the accident in front of. I'm in bigtime payback with SS because the same was done with me. Anyway she verified the account is good for 2 years. ... as I prepare to go pick up dinner because I need more alcohol I write out a list for some things and verify with mom before leaving that she's not getting Chinese food and Chris chimes in we should because it's easier. I decline because I'm in way too much pain to get dinner separate from shopping. I know exactly where Chris is coming from though. Without mom having to go thru physical preparation means Chris doesn't have to listen to mom's endless pain gripes (stress). When I say no I can hear from downstairs Chris make the noise that was the sole reason Claire would never again watch Christine when mom went away because she didn't know how to handle the conflict it made for her sons. Fastforward and where are the friends and girlfriends of the boys? When I get home I point out to Chris wonder woman is on in a while so she chooses to watch the rest of the incredible hulk instead of the same old game shows and by the time mom sits down to her dinner mom points out the wonder woman show as "crazy" and I remind her of the damage she did with that word. That this is not NYC and she had no business staying here let alone keeping us. When aunt Maureen is on the phone tonight I talk out loud beacause I'm sitting in the kitchen. At one point she asks about the coughing noise. It's me. It turns out Claire has returned to work which starts after 1/1. It's not 9-5 everyday. ... 1/8/17 mom's talking to her sister teresa I guess to feel better. Mom will use me as a tool to get things done and I won't have it so I put the bread back in the refrigerator asking "is THAT how you get me to do things for you?" Later on it's nothing new for her to rehash a dead subject when I asked if christopher drinks root beer. I was degraded for buying something even though they only had diet and zero coke which I knew wouldn't go over well. Still not good enough. Perfect opportunity to point out THAT'S a loose cannon. ... 1/9/17 so Claire's back to work but not as enthusiastic after sickness. Gee sounds familiar. She is getting it what it would be like to be kept away from medical advances for her condition??? Does the name christine sound familiar??? That, family member Claire has made spiritual sense of that excludes medical advancement? A life fucked instead of helped by the Morris County Surrogate's Court leaving me out of christine's care all because I didn't have a lawyer. ... 1/10/16 wide awake and need go be up in 5 hours. This is .. 1/12/17 drugs! Reading over some Grammar school classmates and can't get over it. The girl from NYC knew better than the local yokels. It still didn't help me. ... 1/15/17 Today I was leaving the house same time as mom and it was the usual that mom was trying to use me to help with Christine. How dare she just get off the phone with Pat Guide and talk about how problematic it is to get Christine in the car and then turn around and use me same as always  having been fully informed she has THREE (not just one) child whose welfare she had to take care of before the age of majority. I left telling her to go fix her lies and the rape of my life is the disregardful response. I truly hope Pat Guide - actually the ironicness of this is just too overwhelming. It's technically the next day but I only got 2 hours sleep and feel absolutely awful. I may have lost my message from earlier due to being browser outdated but can't check til nonmobile. Doesn't anyone care to save me? Doesn't anyone?  Earlier msg that should be saved is about how mom doesn't like being lied to by christopher who suddenly answers his phone after mom complains to Claire she's not hearing back from him to come and take the christmas tree down. Katelyn I want to be where you are as an abused child surrounded by drug addicts (?) who let it happen. Uncle eddy never part of "something not right" about our accident investigation. I'm losing my ability to cope w so much time on my hands and stuck in think mode. I've snapped after what mom did. Have to see if this works. ... oh so it turns out it glitched before and I can see my drafts :-(((. Our mother lied about a bread in the house story and we're left with a life of anguish at the hands of an immigrant. I would say it's time to get drunk again if I weren't so sick feeling. Not doing well :-(((... after ABC news now worried about retired physicist worker at vzn who is SO helpful.  Fixed my typos like the boy on twitter whose teacher was fired because he said "tamarraw" and then fixed it. Hope all is ok. I'm dying inside. Truly dying from no needs met in life. katelyn! 4am and dying here. Abdominal pain so bad I can't get over it. ... 1/16/17 made it thru the night and woken by all of mom's flare-ups at 9:15am. Drinking coffee to start my texts transfer. I can't believe people don't see the problem in front of closed doors. My heart hurts. ... as I'm going through old texts I find the one about the lawyer who was yet another to decline my case because he needs money for medical experts and I asked mom for pat guide's number so I can ask her if I can forward the text to her. Mom wouldn't give me the number because mom's embarrassed (?). Christopher supposed to come soon but mom on phone so he can't get through. I told her not a good time. ... holy crap! A technical agency in touch with me out of the blue. Like I have a chance now - as if. ... christopher never came at the designated time 2 hour window. Mom w her usual nerves and impatience with things made me lash out at her before that she "may be a cool cat around pat guide but her history of..." ... oh so how things are going mom doesn't tell me a nurse is coming here tomorrow for Chris. I asked her what lies she told to get her way. I hope they come here from the heart of newark with a gun. Tomorrow is bound to be interesting. ... 1/17/17 almost didn't have a day with christine's first home health aid. Originally a message came in they were out today but that's just screwy communication. Mom driving us absolutely crazy with stress about not waking up on time and what she SHOULD HAVE done. Not too sure I'll be recording today. I'm in seriously bad shape for about a week now with waves of abdominal pain and what's coming out of me is blood and stuff. Apple cider vinegar on a tissue and placed at anal opening got rid of the hemorrhoids mostly and pain gone for a little while. Trying to trace where it started and could be an awful chemical taste on one of my pistacchio nuts that I was too drunk to spit out. Now they're calling with more miscommunication just called mom. All that stress for nothing. Now someone not coming until afternoon. Anyway I have to wonder if my colon is being eaten from the inside. So now someone is here - the nurse. Not the aid. Doing evaluation.  Mom is so bad she asked who the patient was. 1ce a week someone's coming here - not twice. Mom laughs it off no buzzer. Mom then says nothing about her hearing problem.  "Fell few times." Mom's hearing problems are going to reveal themselves. Informed her to get a baby monitor to hear Chris. Mom declined putting down anyone else to take over if she can't. I AM PISSED OFF. CHRISTINE HAS THE START OF SCOLIOSIS ACCORDING TO THIS NURSE AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON TOP OF THAT. FUCK!!!! ... busy morn unexpectedly. Christopher on his way and nurses coming back in a bit. This will be interesting. He rang bell. Claire gave mom something (Christmas gifts). Christopher putting garbage out. Mom freaking over can't get black bags. He's taking the wreath down. Asked if we did anything for the holiday. Mom not painting pretty picture with all the pain she is in. Sounds like christopher is trying to strike conversation but mom surprised (?). He works in lower NYS area. He's staying in booton? Not sure. He does scratch offs. Memory about robodick not doing gambling. It was Claire who led him astray just like Claire HAD TO have sex b4 marriage to know if it's what would be for her. Robodick wanted to stay true to waiting until married. Christopher is saying he's been out of the house for a while so the truth is he moved back home for a little while??? Mom's lying again??? Visions of Claire's medical denial/uninvolvement. Profound cluelessness to the big picture and refusing to budge. I'm having waves of abdominal pain. Visions of Claire's - lost the vision. I need to check if my laptop is secure out there. We had no preparation for this today. Christopher calls and says he'll be here in ten or 15 minutes. My stuff is out there where they're working. He's moving stuff other than christmas. Mom's telling him about the hectic morning with the nurses that were here. Asking how mom liked new years. She's telling him about my father. Does lifeguarding in the summer. He's definitely more verble than tj (because he's spent most time with his mother?). ... 1/21/17 So I'm really not used to finding out things last minute. Turns out as I was gone for ten hours yesterday, Pat Guide made plans with mom to take her and Chris to the Paramus Park Mall today. Have to wonder if our lives will be raped again. Having the nurse here was comforting. A nurse's absence is what has helped mom stay under the radar all these years. Come to think of it the nurse that came to the house for Christine upon Christine's release from the hospital was not the nightmare city nurse mom cited all these years as reason for not getting one. Probably just another one of her half baked shell excuses - and the children paid the price. ... 1/23/17 So I woke up this morning with hearing loss in the left ear - same side as diseased(?) tooth. Had some "loud banging" in the right ear last night. ... 2/1/17 oh this is how I get to the draft folder - by saving a draft. ... we're children and we need protection from the trash that doesn't belong in this country. That sounds extreme but you really have to live the medical nightmare this woman set up (flashbacks to court when Cristina Mirda used against me that I only said mom is medically incompetent and then was further questioned by the judge with a rephrasing that I could agree to. life rape). ... so now that mom has screwed up her understanding of christine's medicaid the doctor's office wants to speak directly to the social worker. ... just walked past mom telling her if she wanted to be an uneducated hillbilly in the mountains she should have moved upstate with me. I would have been the educated one (and she would have blended in nicely). Instead she has reinvented herself hanging with the very same people she discriminated against from the getgo not dealing with this accident.  As I was walking TO the bathroom I pointed out that the doctor wants to now deal directly with the social worker instead of dealing with mom's medical incompetence. My life crashed into a wall being left with her and you weigh how much that is due to getting zero validation from my only guardian since age 12. I'm absolutely dying because of Deanne M. Wilson.  ... And this bag of shit just denied that I told her she didn't understand medicaid. Just like her childishness ruined our medical lives. I have recorded some things on cassette tape because giuliani took away my ability to record the usual way. I'm getting as drunk as I possibly can without much alcohol left. ...'s going to be a long night without alcohol. Got maybe a1/2 hour sleep and woken up by mom conversing with christine because it makes her feel better after I go through with her again ignoring me about getting a lawyer going all the way back to her non-paying tenant Ray Higgins. This woman didn't just make mistakes. It was a continual disregard of an american child's well-being even with Christine. Our lives - what they would have been with protection. What they could have been with protection. The murder that seethes from my soul. The older generation cold dark irish that I will not let the world forget. The murder the longer this goes on. ... 2/2/17 And yesterday... 2/3/17 Woken up this morning by mom talking loud to her youngest sister overseas and then speaking immediately to her (NYC sister?) that she doesn't want to say anything about something lest she "start a war over there." War is already here woman brought on by your decision to exclude me from my sister's care due to your own selfish reasons of me knowing too much and being all too familiar of REALITY. An unhealthiness compounded and fed into to Judge Deanne M. Wilson.... 2/4/17 So today it seems the war mom doesn't want to start is about her tenant overseas. A woman who doesn't understand the difference between starting a war and standing up for rights. That's what happened when she had a NYC tenant. She never used that phrase to me. She just refused even ASKING a lawyer saying there's all kinds of laws in the city that protect tenants. That's why you ASK because he was WHITE, ABLE-BODIED, AND SINGLE. He wasn't raising a family and had children, disabled or a person of color. That's the recklessness our lives were left with in the United States of America with a fucking immigrant that could all have been turned around by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. Before I left the house I tried to fix my ripped shirt to looking  better and mom asked me if I where my jacket while I'm at the computer based on what I look like and I said no. She shook her head. "It's more of a reflection of you than me" was summed up in "That's why you take care of a child while they are a child instead of what they turn out to be without those things from the medical care they needed" - paraphrase. All mom did was her defensive "yeah." ... 2/5/17 all my disjointed expressions someone will be able to put together I'm guessing. I'm guessing the accident aftermath is too traumatic just like I had to get across to Pat Guide as she was only stating what she knew from mom's side of the story. She didn't go to college but just her being through the American school system makes a difference. ... 2/10/16 AS IF! A BUTLER GUY FORGETS THE EVENTS OF THE PAST 3 YEARS AND THEN TRIES TO REVERSE IT ON ME. I'VE ALREADY BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD WITH KEVIN MONTANYE FOR TEN YEARS - THAT I JUST DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER AROUND TO SAVE A LIFE FROM. ... :-((( feeling sad. Got enough sleep but don't want to go out today. I have to go out later I think. ... Giuliani is a fucking dickwad who will wind up fired from his job at internet security. No wonder hs has no relationship with his daughter. He deserves all he has coming fucking slime. Like a fascist end g+ communication. FUCK YOU ... 2/15/16 Totally not able to do things as I used to with Giuliani as head of online security. The only thing new recently is dealing with a Butler boy temper tantrum which hasn't happened in a while and I was able to see the differences in how I handled it then and now. The only drawback is now life is ending. The only other thing is that mom asked Claire to do her taxes this year since the tax guy who was friends with my father and has been doing our taxes since the 80s has a medical condition now. I would say there was a pregnant pause but I don't know Claire would be sarcastic. I think she would be more hesitant because she's not objective. She did tell mom (again) about how there may not be a NEED to file but mom insists on getting a thing or two back. Of course Claire really doesn't give a shit (or is convinced it's irrelevant) that THAT is the type of guidance left to raise a developmentally disabled child. Fucking airhead just refuses to see and accept not only her own injuries but is unduly influencing the denial of mine. Would I be screaming around people blatantly disregarding who and what I am as a result of TBI? If it's my only guardian - of course! I don't know how and why Claire is disconnected from the rape of our lives. The rape of who and what even she is forced into acceptance by The Way International. ... records exist for 2/16/17 and 2/17/17 but not transferred in. 2/17/17 $40.58 is the latest rape of christine's life. It's what she gets paid for 2 weeks work - 6 days. Tiffany's gets their packaging and other menial jobs done with these rapes. ...2/18/17 Nice going Judge Deanne M. Wilson.  mom is going to get in trouble with something regarding her driving sometime soon and Christine is going to be raising hell for sitting at home when she doesn't have to if I were involved in her care. Even though it has not always been her fault, 3 accidents in 3 years highlights she needs to be able to better yield her car. If she can't or wont put on her "sunglasses" on sunny days that's a problem.  That is the same lacksidaisicalness the judge witnessed in what mom MUST do. Today was a sunny day and mom wasn't wearing sunglasses when I brought shopping out for her and put it in her trunk.... 2/19/17 So I found out the latest accident happened on Valentine's day and Christine was in the car (and it happened on Christine's side of the car). Of course I started in about how Christine's going to go on about being left home and then eventually mom and the other liar are going to throw Christine into a group home which is the anti-equation of how we were brought up. I asked if Christine was hurt and she said no. I asked if she went to the hospital (or something like that) and she said no. Mom never got a police report at the time because she didn't think of it - NOW MOM REMEMBERS HER SHIT TO ME WHENEVER I GOT IN ACCIDENTS? Of course not. She just made sure to keep her insurance life separate from mine and contribute to me being no good while still holding on to the American dream of me finishing college and to be proud of(?). Whatever stories she's telling these senior women and women of handicapped children (and siblings). I have yet to find out ALL of it. So after all of this last night mom does her usual of not saying a word, chomping on snacks, and at one point saying some arbitrary directions to Christine. I tell Christine to tell Pat Guide to come back here so we can all have a CONVERSATION - a far cry from our guardian just sitting there in silence. There was something else significant and it will come back to me.Oh yes when I investigated further if Christine I let her know what she's probably oblivious to - that she's been more giddy after her head bleeding on the driveway. It shows a possibility of injury. ... 2/20/17 Just learned our lives were raped by Claire and my nephews that threw out a lot of our memories from the attic without my consent or knowledge. It started out with me asking where the Simon Says memory game is and asking if it's under the stairs. She said only christmas stuff was under the stairs and I said "no because I have the ouija board that was there along with other board games." Chris remembered Simon Says right away but Claire wouldn't because Claire was out doing drugs at that time.(when I read this out loud to mom she scoffed at the part about Claire. Oh what now? It didn't happen??? Has no effect??? thus is the danger of mom being left a loose cannon that the past is the past because that means the past didn't happen). Mom stated in disbelief that I would come do it. I NEVER FUCKING KNEW SHE WAS DOING THIS. I OBJECTED WHEN SHE GOT RID OF MY FATHER'S BOOKS AND SHE SHUT ME UP WITH TRIVIALITY. She just fucking contradicted herself with my father's books she threw out. I threw it in her face stephanie's records are on my phone but not dad's because of her and the need TO NOT BE IN THIS COUNTRY CARING FOR MEDICALLY NEEDY CHILDREN. Now she's fucking tearing things and I threw it at her my warranty she's paying for that she allowed Claire to shred so I don't have the company name on anymore and had to rehash that it's gone from me email for reasons unknown. These fucking immigrants to America. ... 2/21/17 UNIVERSE ALERT: watching "Drain the Bermuda Triangle" and I am loaded with memories. In 8th grade I had a terrifying dream. It was the night/morn before an 8th grade brownie/cake sale and the dream woke me that I never forgot. My best friend at the time squatted down over the water of the non-swimming part of Terrace Lake and all of a sudden she was swallowed by a whirlpool as her body spun around and then all the water was draining out of the lake in all and then one big whirlpool revealing metal mechanics under the water. I "see" myself in the dream race for help, right leg first, and woke up terrified. The dream terrified me the whole day and is a dream you don't forget. Fastforward to when I became interested in geology. I didn't just take at face value what was being taught to me. I searched out diagrams and pictures and anything else for exactly what it looks like under the oceans as if they are drained. Turns out someone was thinking the same as me: Now watching Area51 on non-free-ondemand natgeo channel about U2. What did my irish parents know????? ... so after my second round and after getting ready for the day I did my usual of leaving all to mom since that's what she insisted in the surrogate's court. She comes up from putting the garbage out doing her usual complaining saying she's moving to senior living and I point out how pathetic she is that she chooses that over family helping (namely me) and she starts in with go find my way. WHAT?!?! Fucking stupid. Not only is she 20 years too late in saying that and always wanting me to come back home but she's already seen how well (OR NOT) I am in finding my way because she's seen the way I've been living out in the world. And the fight just continues how much she doesn't belong in this country raising medically needy children. Claire has been to none of my living dwellings outside of mom's house, never been to any of my graduations, and I could go on about how aloof. Nice going Morris County. One of us is going to lose and I'll be dead rather than this to go unresolved like it is. ... 2/25/17 notes and mom's harrassment just shown through that she wouldn't be saying these things with someone else around. Daughter killed in road rage incident by bullet made me turn around that according to Claire God knew that little girl wouldn't believe so it was ok for her to die. As soon as mom said I was talking shit - or no as soon as it was obvious she was ignoring me I started shaking her wheel walker she was holding onto. That that's what she threw christine's life away to. Flashbacks of cristina Mirda & judge deanne m. Wilson. I'm hoping to be ok tomorrow with my back instead of the cancelled plans at the library today.  Chris couldn't answer what will happen when mom's gone and last night she learned new info that when mom's gone the only person Chris will have is Claire who will throw her in a group home and Chris will never see me again because she doesn't belong in one. She'll only be there because her only guardian is a power freak. ... 2/26/17 Let's start here: so now let's go back to when I saw this episode this week. Ambush Beneath the Surface - Bingo! Since the mother lost her child she just lost all her passion at 11:33 and at 11:47 Robert points out the mystery solved. At 12:53 the daughter accused of always fighting admits they don't really talk about it and pretend like it didn't happen. Bingo! Keep watching. AND THIS IS JUST TO SAVE A RESTAURANT AND AND AND THERE ARE NO OTHER HANDICAPPED KIDS TO BE CARED FOR WHERE THERE EXISTS SOME KIND OF PASSION BUT SOMETHING TOTALLY LACKING IN SUFFICIENT PASSION PERHAPS, AFTER THE MOTHER LOST THE LIFE OF HER CHILD. So of course I had no preparation a new "services for christine" person was coming to the house Thursday but it doesn't really matter because my back was in too much pain to go anywhere. So this time after seeing this episode I came right out and told this person that we need to start where this all began that we were in a car accident and me and Christine lived in a hospital and one sister died. I usually leave out the part about the sister that died. So on Friday, I forget how the conversation came out but at night we were all sitting in the living room and I asked Christine who she depends on for care besides Mom. Chris said no one. I probed further about any one at shop or anywhere else and there is no one. I then was able to spell out for Christine again how the only other person whose care she was put in was Claire. That that's what going to court that she can't remember going to was all about. That Claire is going to throw her in a group home and Christine will never see me again because Christine doesn't belong in a group home. That I did NOT go through all I have in my life just for Christine to be thrown into a group home. All about me??? I guess it's just the way I talk. Christine seemed to be learning new things as I was talking on Friday. She didn't say anything but Christine doesn't really have the cognition to put all together anyway. On Saturday I aided in getting dinner home by calling the takeout place and Chris was able to go for a ride to get it. She wasn't happy about takeout but she also should have someone more forceful than mom. Mom is guilt ridden. Nothing wrong with that except when it creates the monsters it did. Claire not around to witness the wishy washiness but when raised her kids was very strict if the kids went on telling them the biblical "obey!" I have to wonder how that affected them in life. People obeyed Hitler but Claire's not questioning that. Ok so anyway, I forget how it started Saturday but when I brought up about planning(?) and mom looked forward at the TV ignoring me that's when I rolled over to her walker pulling it back and forth to get her attention. When she saw me coming to her that's when she averted her eyes from the TV to me. It was the same out-to-lunch bullshit. When she started saying "crazy" I did more than move her walker back and forth out of attention getting. I was fucking enraged by this loose cannon we were all left alone with. Flashbacks of a judge that took only one child out of the home. And all I want is justice. On Saturday I flew off the handle asking Christine about the questions she couldn't answer about when her only guardian would be gone and she screamed she doesn't know and the conversation went no place - flashbacks to Cristina Mirda on a home visit asking Christine if she wanted me involved in her care and Christine said "no" while not knowing what that means - that means whether she wants to fulfill her lifetime dream of "getting better" post injury - DRUGS. ... 2/27/17 getting drunk early. Something as simple as Chris asking me to turn the light off as I go by doing same as mom. If her guardian can't provide her needs she needs to have her guardianship changed. I am so fucking sick of this immigrant.  2/28/17 Progress. Woke up this morning to shoulder blade pain. Just take me the fuck out of here being left like this. Let's start here again: and the part that has been going off in my head is when the daughter said "and I had a sister." Flashes of the RN last week who after I dropped the load one of our sister's died, she looked at mom. When she looked back at me and I had a straightforward look(?) she got right back into her role as RN. What we needed all along. Oh and when she was talking about a nurse that would make a good fit and I told her not the ones from the city, she looked at mom. Mom started her shit that she had one here from there "and they were very nice." Again it was mom in her defenses ignoring the fact that when that finally happened it was when she was all alone, leaned on her non-handicapped friends for handicapped help, and the important years we needed someone were over. Fucking older generation child-development cluelessness left alone with us. ... 3/1/17 today started off wrong. Mom needs a nurse and the situation is left untended to which carries health consequences for us all. If the police had to come here to pick christine up we would be deemed incompetent as when I was injured by police. Christine's untended to medical condition is not being caught by her shop or respite exactly like the schools long ago never caught christine's seizures. Same story. Different decade. ... Mom needs a nurse for herself. Not just christine. Mom needs a nurse more than christine. ... Something set me off tonight. It was the amount of pizza I saw gone from the box seemed more. Mom had more than 2 slices so suddenly Chris wanted same and I flipped reminding that a gram of sugar is a raisin. That Chris doesn't realize she can't walk them off or burn them off in a gym AND she's got a paralyzed side to lug along with it AND she's not anemic like mom is - although because she depends on mom's cooking and mom can't cook anymore (she might be). Someone needs to have always been here. We did not deserve to have our lives left like this.... I actually think it was on this day or the next that Chris almost fell when in the bathroom. She fell onto the toilet though so it wasn't what it could have been.... 3/8/17 Just went out to use bathroom and not only did mom use the main bathroom for some strange
reason but she seemed to be walking slower than usual as I was rolling down the hall. As I kept bumping into walls trying to accommodate this unusualness I let out my frustrations and mom mocks it. As if! So I say "yeah as we learned to do here!" and mom starts calling me a liar. Escalation to mom lying in a court room that christine was standing on the landing waiting for her bus so mom lies that she never said that and that christine has never done that as to which I say "I know! Why did you say that in court?!" and it just continued. Earlier, after Chris got home like any other day I hear mom say to Chris "that lady is coming here." And Chris says " what lady?" followed by silence. So I yell out to know What lady?" The RN nurse
follow-up. Mom's response is she'll be here any minute. The only thing mom succeeded at is me not having time to write down my blog. It's all recorded. I filled in the blanks in mom's lies but I still don't know truth of Chris not getting her period. With mom's objection I let be known what happened in court that court findings are for Chris to not go to certain drs and that could have happened for all I know. It's on tape the first sentence out of mom's mouth a lie. First question was if Chris has fallen in the last 3 months. Mom said no and I said last night Chris fell onto the toilet - had the toilet not been there she would have fallen and mom starts about calling the police on me and talking over the information I'm trying to give to the nurse so the nurse asks about the last 3 months or 6 months and mom says no and I correct about the last time the police
were here which was the day they went about alternate transportation. Mom was sure to argue she fell on the toilet so she didn't fall. Unbelievable she would deny the last time the police came to pick Christine up. ... 3/9/17 Let's start here: Feeling like total crap. Old NJ "teen spirit" gave me attitude whiplash. This happened 2 days ago. I had just come from some Standing Rock activity and my perceptions led me to ask a nearby crew what they were interviewing about. The attitude totally didn't want to tell me what they were doing so I asked if it was for Standing Rock and said no. Ok that's all I wanted to know. Then I hear someone say something "make a complaint" and felt like it was absolutely directed at me. These attitudes is what I went out into the world defensive against (when there was nothing to be defensive about) destroying my own future. For example sports players in NJ are notoriously cruel while that is NOT the case in NY. At least in the parts of  NY I went to it's truely a proud accomplishment and who is right there to help me stay feeling awful? Mom. I'm mom's freak embarrassment. Here's one thing that this medically incompetent woman in America did: Instead of getting a lawyer after the insurance had me evaluated by their own doctor and said my TMJ was unrelated at 13 years old mom didn't get a lawyer. ABSOLUTE CARELESSNESS. I'm not the only one who came down with TMJ. Christine did to. This absolute awful 24/7 feeling is what kept me away from this place for so long tying in with the fact that nothing was going to change with mom's involvement. Had a whole lot more to say but I got other things to do.... 3/11/17 Let's start here: Really ugly feeling for what's been done to me regarding a job in NY and most likely rumorville ruined my reputation thereby closing doors. NY is filled with stupid people who can't investigate themselves? Well majority rules. It's just easier to go with the flow especially for someone a non-native. So the shoulder blade pain went to the other shoulder and stayed there which made me have to walk away from the house to give the animals bread instead of throw it from the 2nd floor. As I put it down the other day I hear a childish odd voice say "we get to eat today." It probably came from one of the nutjob neighbors who went into a court years ago accusing me and my friend of "looking at her in her birthday suit" and the judge's response was "who would want to look at her in her birthday suit?!" Ms. birthday suit made up lies adding to the ruining of a life and can go fuck her outlandish hillbilly ass. I know of my father making "problems" for the neighborhood after Claire was bullied and there was some kind of "meeting" to try to clear it up which my mother refers to one of the "stupid" things my father did. That happened before the accident and after the accident Claire gave up all our family is but she actually was pushed away by mom blaming her for the accident. Claire even reported one time that Hillbilly birthday suit taught her cats to use the toilet like a human. I think she delivered a paper there. Our lives were raped as Claire delivered a paper to this woman whose sister's oldest son was in the class behind me and god knows what was said about me in that regard. No worries. I'll be drunk soon. Everything fell completely apart and no one is saving me. Everything is shit including mom's immigrant fake ways.... Oh yes and I think it was yesterday that computer classes at the library were being advertised on the TV and I pointed it out to mom that if she won't listen to me then listen to the TV and go learn the computer. Unlike last time, this time she tells me she did this some years ago but she didn't have the patience (and she stopped mid-word with patience) and said she had a problem with spelling. My response was "and THIS is what we were left with to care for us?!" no response as usual. Flashbacks to the time after my father died and I needed someone to practice for a spelling test or bee with and there was only mom available and was blockaded in the learning process - the word to spell was hyena and mom says "Oh that's how you spell hyena!" Yeah nice fucking rehabilitation we were sent home to. Nice fucking joke of the neighborhood, the school, the social halls and so on. ... Another attitude whiplash today but this one is easily rolled of my back. It's the woman I always went out of my way to be nice to only to be completely insulted by her a few times and I mean the insult of accusing me of "wasting tax payers money" by making a need of going back to the surrogate's court. It's always possible I didn't explain the whole situation but it seems whatever I said it just wasn't good enough. When you are an aquaintance of someone you ASK questions if you don't understand what they are telling you. Talk about a narccisist - I guess that's the definition? There could be quite a few reasons why after I said a friendly hi she turned her nose up  at me but I'm not worried. She REFUSES to accept I have developmental issues. It just got to be one of those situations where "don't let the door hit you on the way out" was more the feeling than me being in a tizzy over the way someone was acting toward me. She also is not a mother so she understands less. ... The headaches have begun. I don't get headaches and if I do they don't last long. Today's lasted a very long time and is still here. It could mean dehydration or perhaps from the pain in my neck extending out from my shoulder blade. All I know is just let me go while I'm in my sleep with a brain pop like mom's Italian mama friend did. As long as I'm alive I'll be busy tomorrow and the next day but fate just needs to let me go in my sleep. No complications that way. Time to go home and drink. Nothing else in my life. Oh I wonder if some of the attitudes I've gotten in the past few days are from the knowledge I went to a Standing Rock event. If that's it I TOTALLY don't care. I've already covered the Mighty Mouse Mcgee possible repeat situation when I said about developmental issues. I did get the strangest deja vu when driving a road in Minoa-Manlius once. If I don't wake up throw a party for I am at peace and can continue my work from the other side (I assume). ... 3/15/17 let's start here: I have a fast pulse beat going off in the left side of my head. I'll take it! Just don't bring me back if I go! More to come before I leave in the next 7.5 hours(?). ... from 3/14/17 It's a good thing I'm drinking myself to sleep. This plow guy situation is riding a nerve. If he rubs me the wrong way I'm likely to go off on him. Does he know I grew up without a father BECAUSE. of leukemia?  I don't need his girlfriend to shovel a walkway we don't even use. I need her to dig out my car. Does he know my father wanted to be a butler firefighter and my mother made fun of him (dissuaded him) so he didn't? Don't get me started. Just have your girlfriend dig out my car instead a fucking walkway we don't fucking use. Did my mother tell you that??? Gee then I must be right. ...  So anyway I was writing about how Claire had the audacity to call here saying they were shoveling. No mention or question if she needs help. Mom paints her pretty picture that everything is under control and an ordinary mention of our plowing.  TJ had come here to pick up mom's taxes she left sitting in her car for Claire.  He left mom Claire's envelope that said "Mom Happy Birthday" with gift cards inside. Never came inside to say hello. Never a mention of how her grandsons can assist her with the impending storm. And robodick is teaching his sons this is all divisions Jesus warns he would cause. ... It finally came to a head. How ironic I lost the beginning of this message getting dressed to try to go out to the plowing because my phone fell and came apart on the carpet by accident. They don't get how handicapped we all are. I SENT HIM A TEXT about my childhood injuries. I guess he ignores me too. (Come to think about it, the door slammed shut because of the wind and not because he was having a temper tantrum Hahahahaha *sigh*). Mom took forever to answer the door; the girlfriend rang the bell 2 or 3 times and then he starts blowing the horn until mom FINALLY gets to christine's door opener for the garage. His girlfriend came to the landing and insisted he did behind my car and answered my mother a few times "yes" that he shoveled behind my car so I went out clearly spelling out to her what the problem is that we are all very handicapped in this house and that I can't even dig out my own car so I took a look out the window and sure enough the snow was packed in behind my car so then he opens the door downstairs telling me I need to move my car and we start talking over each other and simultaneously I hear the word fuck and the door slanmed so I start storming "fuck you too I guess" (filled in 3/15/17) pointing out how simple it is and asking "did he leave?" (filled in 3/15/17). Then I see him and her with the shovel and the packed snow behind my car removed so in all my pain I go down the stairs and as I see him as tizzied as me start to wonder if he should do the side of my car I tell him "that's fine. That's all I need." Then I struggle back up the stairs telling her to come up so we can give her payment and she said she didn't want to because she's all messy and actually thank god she didn't because she would have wiped out on mom's hardwood floors. I hope I made it clear enough how very handicapped we all are. I don't know if she felt like I was yelling at her or not but I SENT HIM A TEXT WITH MY BLOG for a reason. She had to see me struggle up and down the stairs. I'm still cracking up over the wind door slam situation. Hahahahaha! I really thought he bailed out on us and my response was "fuck you too!..." I don't even remember how I started booming after that. Hahahahaha!  But then I was able to see the snow was being shoveled behind my car. I do remember booming "did he leave?!" ... I'm also able to put into words after 3 years how the plow guy talks to mom - the same as my ex talked to me: belittling or condescending in the sense of another babbling female to pass off as frivolous as in "yes dear" to not take seriously. I guess his girlfriend doesn't see it like I didn't for different reasons: I'm developmentally disabled; she's a go-with-the-flow immigrant (legal?). She grew up in the tropics(?) so I assume she doesn't know a lot about snow. Here is way more liberal than Potsdam and Potsdam is condescending to their women in a different way than the Adirondacks but I've already covered that. ... So today (3/15/17) it turns out the back of my car wasn't cleared on the passenger side in the back. I had to move forward somehow and slide up the driveway while keep turning my wheel certain ways. I'm not so sure our plow guy should be doing plowing. ... 3/16/17 forgot yesterday to include some records about mom and running out of time now. Can't remember but DO remember the disregard. Abusive medical disregard. Mom did some kicking screaming and crying to get her way again. Was give more run around about a nurse for Christine and I wasn't there to hear her crying into the phone but that was the worse thing to take care of medical needs in America. Better fix this. I'm still here to hang out underwear. Little headaches on the right side every now and again. I think I completely forgot it was St. Patty's day and not even sure what day it is but now I understand why mom is going to the casino tomorrow. I might go so I can sit and do wifi. That's all I can picture doing. I used to play the slot machine long ago in Ireland where there is no age limit on gambling.... 3/18/17 Let's start here: and then let's start here: - I pointed out to mom that this story proves my life could have turned out that way and that just because Christine is obvious she's not the only qualifier for the Special Olympics. I've already been through about my friend who was comatosed same amount a year after me who is capable of driving across the country and back, has a guardianship, and was in the special olympic. So yesterday I decided to get a change of scenery and go to the st. patrick's day "celebration." Called twice beforehand to make sure I was all set with a wheelchair and wifi. Unfortunately when I got there no one seemed to know their ass from their elbow as to why I couldn't connect to wifi so I wasted a day. (That actually is nothing out of the ordinary since I'm over-competent and under-experienced thanks to NYS ruining my future - maybe it's a matter of even the employees can't use the wifi but I beg to differ as all public wifis look the same).  I only pieced together now that the constant coughing and throat pain I have was due to the emitting air fresheners in the taxi. Mom didn't drive in and I'm wondering if it has anything to do with insurance and her latest accident. God knows the stupidity/carelessness/life-violations that occur in this house when I'm not around. Hindsight is 20/20. So anyway, remember the double coupons from the 90s? In hindsight the human lab experimentation of  the government (?). Well I used to buy those Glade scent emitters and had no problem with them then. I have also stopped taking all herb teas and supplements etal. plus this many years down the road my body has been through other situations. So we're sitting down eating when Aunt Maureen called to know where we were and when she joined us she didn't recognize me which is probably the norm lately and being the way things turned out, is how I'd rather have it. When I looked up a couple times she was looking at me probably wondering "What happened?!" which is nothing new but in my need for family I'd rather her say "Ok so we didn't know and we were wrong. Time to fix this." But Aunt Maureen has already stated to me that the sisters don't stick their nose into each other's child rearing business. YES THE SURROGATE'S COURT WAS AVAILABLE TO ME SO THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO LOSE MY LIFE STARTING AT 18. If you fastforward to a conversation I had with her before she left us for the day I said/emphasized to her that it's in the law books about "being injured before the age of majority" (which means 18) and her aloof and disconnected response was "yeah but you get around OK." *smfh* all underwear to be hung out for all to see until I'm dead or someone fixes this. So I got around yesterday mostly pushing myself backwards in the wheelchair which has been the case since receiving police injuries in 2004 only aggravated by having to use a wheelchair while drugged by medications I never belonged on only to receive no justice for it due to the disconnectedness left to raise this life. Mom constantly talks NOW about getting a lawyer for different things. Fucking dumbass immigrants we were left with. Aunt Maureen wasn't that dumb. By her own testimony she said way back "That's not fair. She should be left back a grade." -  although that's the same ebb and flow of mom because later on she declined going to a brain injury meeting making it sound like it's something along the order of having AIDS. So I didn't bother to get to the part about I know mom has the direction from Aunt Maureen long ago that "when they turn 18 you're no longer responsible" AND THAT WAS NOT THE CASE FOR ME - AGAIN "INJURED BEFORE THE AGE OF MAJORITY." In this fastforwarded conversation I had said to Aunt Maureen that if I look up a meeting happening with the New York State Brain Injury Association where she lives will she go with me and her response was "Oh I'm not going to one of those." Just like earlier while we were eating mom said to Aunt Maureen in a disgusted and embarrassed(?) voice that I got one of THOSE pointing out the nearby wheelchair I had transferred myself from to a regular chair from. I also happened to notice and recognized from the past that sometimes Aunt Maureen looks up and away when talking to mom. Aunt Maureen looked away from me when answering she's not going to "one of THOSE." During the fight we were to have later I pointed out the similarity of the two that those who don't look someone in the eye are lying (or hiding something). Go back to the fastforwarded conversation and Aunt Maureen asked if I really need one of those chairs and I said "Yes. I don't know why my mother is" (saying what she said -don't remember all exact words). "When we got here I walked from the car to the wheelchair area and I was dying. I can't walk far. Yes I'm handicapped. Yes I need this." How Ironic my back problems are from lack of legal help when I fell in the laundry room of The Syracuse Housing Authority and I was expected to speak for myself then too with no one taking care of the grown lives of children that needed to be catered to long ago.  Last night I drank too much Vodka as played out when woken up around 1:30am. A ten year old died around here from a gunshot around 1am so it could be universe related. I was woken out of a dream by a pressure put on my heart on the inside wall pushing on the front of the heart and the dream and pressure were hand in hand. Then something that almost asphyxiated me twice while in my car in California happened. There's some kind of burning movement that happens in my digestive tract and then lots of saliva starts going off in my mouth. Sometimes that Saliva indicates I'm about to throw up but I didn't this morning. I rode out the saliva storm and couldn't get back to sleep. I also didn't choke like I have in the past because in a bed you can be on your side and in a bucket seat you don't have much choice. What had happened earlier on the eve of 3/17 is I started going ballistic over mom's denials and this time I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't just flare and then sit there in slence like I've done growing up in this house. I need to get back to writing more later. I'm tired (and I missed another day over what I thought would be strep throat).... It's the time of day I'm drinking myself to sleep and it seems to be a sinus cold I now have. feel like shit. ... 3/19/17 Still feel like shit and yesterday Christine had to stay home all day so I was there to put her in touch with what makes sense to us. Oblivious to mom's inability to take care of Christine's big picture, Christine says a regular phrase to mom that is nothing out of the norm: "This is what I USED TO watch." (Flashes of Cristina A. Mirda, Esq in court saying I'm estranged from my family). I'm not estranged from my family. I'm all too familiar with my family while Claire is a happy visitor out of touch with the awesome responsibility she's been given and seeing it from a hopeless hippy perspective rather than medically rehabilitative. In other words Christine is institutionalized material who "will never enjoy sex" and is hopelessly spiritually changed. (Flashes of Claire lying in court of things we conversated about on a regular basis).

... 3/21/17 so mom asking the time reminded me what I was going to write about. Handicapped children with planning needs were left in the care of a bad planner. Same happens to Christopher for different reasons though. (With Christopher there was a denial of it for religious reasons. He got pushed out of the nest again but I think I mentioned that). Mom is not able to piece together that she has to ask for appointments later in the day. Just like yesterday ... well this next appointment is for later days away at a good time but this doctor's office got her in quick because of how much pain she's in. So walking through yesterday it was a day off because I did 12 hours the day before and Christine's alarm clock was going to interrupt my sleep. So I didn't get enough sleep but being sick was keeping me awake so I got up to clear out my space for the cleaning lady as well as wake up. I was awake the whole time she was here; oh ok just like yesterday when mom was in the back and I hear her making noise in pain so the cleaning lady asks her what's wrong and she says how much she can't pick things up and there is a silence and I wonder if the Cleaning lady is thinking that perhaps I was correct in what I suggested 2 weeks earlier that mom has 4 or 5 reachers in the house and she should have one in most of the rooms she needs one in. But I'm not listened to and certain people feed into mom's denial to accept. Anyway the planning to have reachers when needed highlights the continued lack of dealing with lifelong medical needs. Our clocks had not been fixed yet when I put up two eggs to boil and I told mom I will have enough time before the stove is cleaned. Turns out I was wrong and mom went into her the-world-is-ending mode. So that when Nancy could hear us in a ruckus she asked what is up. I told her (after telling mom it’s no big deal because she does other cleaning before the stove and it has time to cool down) and she said it’s fine. I said out loud “THAT'S all we needed. Just one person here with another perspective to stop this” – paraphrase. So now that she’s laying down feeling awful I say to her that’s why next time she uses this car service she makes sure to ask for a car that does not have scent emitters and she starts cutting off what I’m saying, saying she takes the car service all the time and they’re fine. So of course I’m getting pissed off at this new behavior of cutting me off because she has to be right (not that she is right). She just said to me the other day she didn’t know the car had scent emitters in them while I couldn’t understand how she missed it, yet today she’s changing her story just to be right. This childishness is fine but completely inappropriate in the lives of children with medical needs in a foreign country (to her). … I’m forgetting certain things as I remember them (…oh I remember – the other thing mom kept cutting me off about when talking to the RN or nurse was the cult claire is in and today or yesterday it finally hit me after seeing something on TV that mom has been persuaded into something with that cult. Our blowout fight St Paddy’s day night was she is now denying the HUGE thing of my teen years – that she ever said it was a cult. That blowout involved several other denials. Again “leave the past in the past" means to mom the past never happened) but as far as today I don’t help mom and it’s really obvious she needs physical help. The only thing I do (to prove myself right) is set her up with the cough drop melted in hot water and have her breathe in the menthol. It’s 4pm and Christine has had no lunch today. Mom says for some reason she couldn’t get her underwear on when getting dressed so she came out to her chair with her underwear on one leg. Christine tries to help with her crutch as I am not around but within earshot. They can’t figure out what the problem is but I come out and do. I go back to what I’m doing and tell Christine to come back. She is not happy about that but this woman is left on her own as that is how she wished it at the surrogate’s court. I have never seen my mother’s private parts nor do I wish to but I have caught a glimpse that brought back a memory about when mom said when she came to this country she “really didn’t have to worry about that anymore” regarding shaving her legs. In the year 2000 or after (and before 2004) I was saying to Claire in desperately trying to understand my surroundings that mom said this because it really seems a reality she was involved in witchcraft activity or unaware which I doubt. I don’t think I even got the words out that claire did the same thing to me in shutting me up just like she did in that the supernatural things she witnessed with The Way were something like Wiccan activity but then it pulled her into a religious sect that specifically denies the medical needs we all have. Stupid sweet sounding bitch. Should I consider it irony that Ms. Mafia Jay Lori (aka Jean Rocco) said the same things about not having to shave legs (and she was the final straw in destroying my trust in the world – the unhealthy kind). Remember Claire’s nickname in High School was Rocco. NO COINCIDENCE FOR THOSE WHO HAVE MORE UNDERSTANDING. oh and who started her out having that nickname? The silent partners that destroyed our lives? ... In whatever course of thinking mom has fallen into she’s done it before of using food as a weapon if I won’t do something. Another activity happened today where it is obvious mom needs a nurse to help her and I stayed in the room and could hear Chris try to help her. Then in mom’s uneducated child ways she felt I would come around saying if she doesn’t get help there’ll be no food. Immediately that’s a make-fun-of-their-weight statement. Aunt Maureen does the same but not obvious (to me). This is the childishness we were left in. When mom complained about her watch on the floor I said “that’s what reachers are for.” … 3/22/17 not sure how we all made it through the night. Mom REALLY needs a nurse for her personal care and she got away with playing it down to the RN who was genuinely finding out the needs. She can hardly see. She can hardly hear. She can’t remember. And all is approved by Judge Deanne M. Wilson as Cristine A. Mirda Esq says I’m estranged from all this yet Claire is the one estranged. Oh yeah and I notice when you google her name my blog doesn’t come up. She really doesn’t want people to know the mess she made? Really? Mom never took her pills yesterday. Christine never received lunch yesterday. Mom still has yet to take her pills today at 8:35am. Mom only did her eye drops in the morning yesterday. She has yet to do them today. Mom says she’ll have to have someone get her cough medicine but no mention of her family that lives 40 minutes away that has 3 grown men. TJ is back at school after a week of spring break off. Christopher  supposedly moved back out (I’m guessing pushed out of the nest – from a medical standpoint cruelly – and lives 20 minutes away last I knew). … So tonight’s fight started with mom starting to ask me to do things in getting christine’s dinner ready and I said no. When I told her she’s obligated to support me because I was injured before the age of majority she said “people” are saying I’m talking a lot of shit so I read to her exactly what’s on the beginning of my blog. I made it very clear reading from my source: “The law also provides one other major exception to the rule that parents' duty to support their children ends at the children's majority: when the child is disabled.” Then when I said I’ll call a (social security) lawyer to ask them but she needs to answer some questions since she was the guardian she said no. ... 3/24/17 I don’t have enough sleep for today because mom is left to be a loose cannon not using a fucking reacher for something (THIS TIME an 8 oz bottle of water that fell to the floor) when something drops. I got woken up after 1 hour of sleep and now only have 4 hours total sleep. Now we can trace back to all the years in college when I was living here and there was too much “noise” although I was also too inappropriately over-aspiring in a subject I didn’t have enough guidance on. Claire’s had a problem with this happening just the same but has never had to testify at least after being court ordered out of the house. Mom’s manic depressive outbursts – I’m not so sure manic depressive is the right word. When she got on the phone not long after this episode I let all be known. It was either Claire or Aunt Maureen. Aunt Maureen went off on the subject of water so I yelled “the water is not the problem! It’s the reacher!” Like a cool cat pro mom played all off that I was upset she didn’t use a reacher making no mention of the decades-long outbursts in this house done by mom.  Aunt Maureen insists they have to provide a nurse. Has she ever gone through this process? So after roasting my ass off in the room mom slept in all these years (instead of switching rooms where I was fucking freezing and fucking ignored) I come out and get another drink to go back to sleep. She’s not awake yet but once I plug in my laptop it’s too much noise where she has the clueless audacity to say she has to get up in the morning. I say then she must know how I feel waking me up last night instead of using the reacher. No response but a continuation of repeating what she has already said. Flashes of the woodsmen mentality we were never saved from – that mom is a piece of work but all is ok because she lost a child and is still standing. … dream: standing in a bathroom with some girls from first high school all grown up now and it’s after a few days(?) And I’m trying to hit the road to go home(?) And I say someone who had just crossed my mind was the bully who had to go to drug rehab in the midwest (and last I looked them up, became a nurse). We were each standing by their own toilet and some (most) had single (film) toilet paper inside floating and no seats. And when I said this girl just crossed my mind others there acknowledged but didn't have any comment. There were no doors on the stalls much like the dream I had that took place in Syracuse in the last three years. But there was more concern for me getting on the road and I would stay in the nearest truck stop. Not good enough ones up north so I think I would be staying in my car on the first thruway(?) stop. Mom’s cell phone going off woke me up at 10:15am. … I told mom last night like I’ve mentioned a few times this is not ending this way. Dad’s money is not being given to charity all the while she’s living in oblivion away from acceptance of our handicapped lives.  This time mom ¼ pivoted her head to me starting to make a “hm” noise and I can guarantee this loose cannon paranoia is only being fed into by silence. She’s copying someone and I would guess it’s Pat Guide. Welcome to immigrants in America as I’ve been taught. Copiers to blend in. This past Friday again it happened that mom asked Chris what she had to eat that day and it was meat. Christine is disconnected from Catholicism and mom has put it in the care plan of Christine that she is to be kept going to the Catholic church every Sunday with some handicapped group. This will not be ending this way. Oh and I could hear mom's new friends in Christine's handicapped groups say "because only bad people..." mom's newest phrase that I don't do shit and leave her to her own devices until she fixes this. Mom tells them half the story to hear what she wants.3/26/17 I hope I’ve gotten 6 hours sleep. I am woken with Christine in a bad way saying “It’s 7:15” and that tone of voice is usually elicited by mom overwhelming her. Little while later I’m woken again by mom going on about how much she can’t do and I’m not going to fall for it. Her complaints only get louder and holding in the “first morning pee” is only getting harder so as I come in the kitchen she asks me to open the milk I bought yesterday. I’m then informed she started to make regular coffee but then stopped to do instant because the filter fell down inside the coffee maker putting grains in the pot. I tell her I’m going to make 8 cups; to go ahead and have the instant and Chris’s second cup can be non-instant. Her hands haven’t gotten that weak, it’s a combo of the arthritis and the time constraint. I’m in the bathroom and I hear her say she dropped the cap. I come out and she’s doing her screams of pain as she bends to pick up the cap (bending is causing specific pain in the leg) and I yell “that’s why you use a fucking reacher! Where’s the fucking reacher?” She tells me it’s on the table so I use the reacher to pick up the cap. This loose-cannon incompetence was all approved by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. If only Christine could verbalize. If only. 3/29/17 Mom forgot to set the alarm last night so after about 4 hours of sleep I'm woken by mom's outbursts followed by her calming christine for the monster she just brought out in Christine. When I come out I ask what the problem is when Chris doesn't have to get up. Mom starts with her shit and I said something - probably that he'll probably be here in 10 mins and mom supposedly corrects me and says "What the hell is wrong with you?!" This is the shit we had no escape from. My response “What the hell is wrong with you??!! Be careful what you say to children! (fucking damage control!)” … Mom is up out of bed to call Claire back at 11:20pm 3/29/17. She's also up to take her pills so yet to see if she'll call. The other day mom said it was stephanie's birthday and seemed to be waiting for a reaction.  Ha! She got one. Maybe if stephanie were alive honesty would be done at the surrogate's court. If I google deanne m. Wilson will I find an obituary? Nope mom didn't call Claire. In the last couple days the life-flash of our lives happened by mom backtracking on reality about the elevator guy(s) that stole mom's screwdriver from the back table downstairs. She is now using time as her comfort that "well they have enough tools so why would they take it?" I'm the one who left it on that table and I'm the one too exhausted that day to go downstairs while they were here. I also many times let go of the stereotypes that plague us leaving a dominican immigrant and black man to be trusted. The next time we needed these guys only the dominican came. These days they didn't come at all. When mom asked about her missing screwdriver the dominican suddenly didn't understand English. So anyway the conclusions mom comes to shows what rape was done to our lives. Mom beating up the boys in her own country growing up only inappropriately raped our lives in a country she doesn't belong caring for medically needy children. … I forgot to mention how the guy across the street did something that screams Trump and I think is highly illegal.  Streaks of liquid were coming from under his vehicle van out to the street. A black bag was laying in front of van until I rolled away. The mother came out at one point hesitantly checking in on the van and then walking up the street toward relatives where christine's childhood friend lives. The streaks were drying up as it was getting dark. … 3/30/17 Just another reminder of our slap in the face lives: and another reminder: . What Christopher should know: . I don’t know if I transferred in everything but when mom flys off her wheel saying Claire and others are busy with a JOB I finally said “You know I’m specifically not working right?” NO FUCKING RESPONSE. “You know I can work but this has to be fixed?” NO FUCKING RESPONSE. Today before I left – can’t remember right now. ... 4/1/17 oh I remember and have remembered several times - just haven't come back here to write it down. So it's a part of our lives post accident that - actually I already wrote about this with the screwdriver that mom changes her story that they never stole the screwdriver because they already have their tools yet it's only after they were there alone downstairs that the screwdriver disappeared from the table I had placed it on. Ok so last night the medical lifetime inappropriateness we were left in surfaced. Mom ran into a dental emergency. She thought she doesn't want to go out again so she would wait to call them this morning. WRONG ANSWER - FUCK A "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" DEFICIENCY - YOU NOTIFY THE PEOPLE WHO JUST WORKED ON YOUR TEETH RIGHT AWAY. So her inability to get her head together was evident in the constant emotional goings on which is understandable but NOT what we needed for proper care in our lives. We needed a father or someone else around. Flashes of Claire claiming she did her best (end of story). As she was running around in her emotional circles I said "THIS is the care we were left in?" and Christine seemed to catch on but in this emergency seemed to inappropriately complain mom (can't remember what she was saying mom never does). We just had no one to take care of us as we needed from a medical standpoint followed by an evil moron judge who asks, witnesses, admonishes mom for improper medical care and then just let's the whole thing slide. Oh I further don't receive justice because I don't hold back what I have to say about the judge? Oh ok sick fucking joke. 4/4/17 what a fucking circus. We have a nurse here and there is a translation barrier. Mom will not listen to me that I won’t be here tomorrow and she insists it will be fine. Fucking stupid pride increasing problems. So I’m exhausted after using my google translator as much as I have to assist and I left all to mom. Mom is now downstairs screaming at someone doing things ways mom doesn’t understand and the situation is only worse because the person doing them doesn’t understand English very well. (Now in her older years mom doesn't do these over-the-top screaming freak-outs like she used to so there is remaining evidence as to what existed. This is over the washing machine use by a stranger and there is left-over apprehension from when an aid came here and broke the washer by pulling too hard on the on-knob so mom had to call someone to come and fix the washing machine. She was also scared that it's a gas dryer and with something broken off (blow up?). Flashes to my discriminatory landlord who made fun of me with that. That aid never came back - never returned mom's call. Mom screamed at them as if they were a stupid child back then - yet mom thought nothing of her reaction. Today's screaming (flashes of Claire the fucking airhead who can't piece together - nm) was different but mom was calmer after seeing she was wrong and the aid didn't turn on the dryer without any clothes inside). When mom got down there after using the elevator I yelled down that the washing machine was just turned on. In mom’s ½ deaf situation she starts freaking out yelling “it is??? I have to show her first.” And I said “that’s why this won’t work if I’m not here tomorrow to translate.” When mom was screaming about the dryer I yelled down that she needs to first make sure the lint bin is cleaned. That reminded mom who’s not thinking straight and of course the lint bin needed to be emptied. The aid didn’t understand that mom was telling her to turn the dryer off (not just for the sake of the lint bin but mom was under the impression the dryer was was empty. Finally the aid understood the word “open” to turn off the dryer but the language barrier wasn’t able to tell mom that. Mom is still talking to her with regular words. So it sounds like they got through doing wash and the nurse is using a broom that isn’t usu – well I guess that’s no big deal. So earlier I said aloud to Christine that this isn’t going to work and Christine said in a frustrated voice “I know.” And I said “we can’t have all this screaming here. Actually I was right about the floors. Mom got back upstairs from doing the wash with the new aid and first thing mom says is that our cleaning lady already did that. The aid said “OK” and just continued on. These episodes from mom is what I went out into the world and did and paid a dear price and no one is getting to the issue it stems from. Mom is left a loose cannon. I lost my life. The aid doesn’t speak enough English. Mom can’t hear that the aid is cleaning with spray which would be the same response as sweeping. I finally told mom she needs to cease and desist if this is not working. We don’t need this screaming here. The aid is now sitting down. So now the aid didn’t understand when it comes to washing the pan and the aid can’t understand the word “soak” and this is just a fucking circus and mom still insists they’ll get along just fine tomorrow without me. So after trying to get through all that verbage it seems things were understood but were they? The aid said “it’s clean” but wasn’t able to say/comprehend “soak.” And the narcissist is still at it saying no to every issue I’m bringing up. When I just try to reason how I know Chris best through what shows she watches it’s still no no no. When the RN was here earlier and I could tell Christine was not going to understand that she was not being understood (the language barrier) I started to say that to the RN and my mother was trying to shut me up that I was just causing problems. But the RN actually agreed and better stated what I was trying to say. AND THESE ARE THE CLARIFICATIONS CHRISTINE’S CARE IS MISSING OUT ON. Mom is acting like Sheldon at the Physics Bowl. So without a hearing aid mom can’t hear what the clicks happening downstairs are and when her washer or dryer goes guess who’s going to get blamed. So now we’re doing the second load of wash. I’m trying to tell mom that Christine is the one who will hear all this screaming when I’m not around oh and when I said to mom about the screaming downstairs  her reply just like in history is “oh that was just about the washing machine.” So I brought up about the next thing it’s going to be about and mom says no. I give her the example of if the dishwasher was ever done wrong and we wind up with a flood downstairs and mom doesn’t answer and just keeps telling me no. Lots of people love Sheldon in the comedy but this is no comedy and Christine is not able to express how good this situation is NOT and mom will just gloss over it as if it is “fine” - why would tradition be any different? So things were pretty damper when Bewitched was on so I said forget it. But when CHPS came on I asked her if she wanted to sit and watch it. So mom insisted again she’d have to move the basket she had on the table by the TV viewing area but the aid was already helping Christine sit down and Christine verified it wasn’t in the way so I said aloud this is another example that I’m putting down and Christine said “yes.” Oh and mom was trying to explain in full english sentences to the aid that “there’s spray and wash if there’s any stains.” AS IF THE AID UNDERSTOOD THAT. Mom insists her screaming is not a problem. ... 4/5/17 So things started to calm down and I detected the aid starting to "OK" mom to death and there were some times that the aid asked me instead I guess  because I could speak some Spanish and I had a google translator on hand. I specifically showed her how to get google translator on her own phone typing "I want you to be prepared for when I'm not here tomorrow" (in Spanish) and after she read and understood she let me know others that could help her. She's actually from where one of my best friends who deserted me is from. Many hours from now I'll find out how today went - not the truth from mom but at least some insight. ... flashes of when mom recently is saying I was going to pay some price for how I was acting (towards her) and now knowing she is feeling empowered by people who only have her snippets of what happens so she can feel better. Why has mom never been forced to a psychiatrist but her children have and have been assaulted by those very entities she is against and thinks is a bunch of crap? flashes of Pat Guide sitting across from mom telling me what her psychiatric diagnosis of OCD is and she has NO IDEA of the history of the woman she is sitting across from. Up comes my vomit-projectile feeling of "fucking immigrants." ... 4/7/17 paranoia started to set in which in childhood would have caused me severe problems (brain injury related) as blogger wasn't allowing me to sign in 4/7/17 but that's why Google+ Help is so awesome. My college training really taught me a lot about separating paranoia with just-calm-down-and-look-at-other-options-first. What I'm trying to record today on my blog: ... 4/6/17 As far as the screaming episode in the laundry room, the only difference between now and then is mom didn’t end her first screaming episode with “My nerves! My nerves!” This time mom ended with "I can't take this!" and now (4/8/17) I understand that's where some people shut mom off. But what happens when you grow into that? Just like Stephen Hawking is still alive with Lou Gherig's disease because he got it young and grew into it? Just like I had a 6 year old tibia that healed bent and was still walking around with it like that into my 30s because my body grew into it? Are we listening Morris County Surrogate’s court? Do we give a fuck about fixing our mistake? Or we’re just fine with disregarding the children’s lives we were charged with protecting? I’m pretty sure that outburst screaming is exactly what the court saw come to Claire long ago in court after she crashed her car and that’s what got Claire court-ordered out of the house. NOTHING DONE FOR US STILL HERE. Mom is in too much pain to assist the showering situation with Christine so that Christine is frustrated with the language barrier she will get through but it will have long term affects. Mom disregards the importance of that. - So this morning I woke up and the coffee pot was on with no water or coffee in it. I turned it off and went to the bathroom, came back out and mom was startled to learn that was the case. Those are the new dangers no one is taking care of. With a hearing aid mom would have heard gurgling noises the coffee pot would have been making. I still can’t figure out how it was on. It turns off after 2 hours so the earliest it would have been on is around 5:30am but I checked the “set delay” time and the set delay time was for 12:00. Mom declared twice she hadn't gotten up.  Mom said that yesterday she got some of her wash done by putting it in with Christine’s and that’s exactly what I was afraid of. THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY ONLY TO HELP THE PERSON THEY ARE ASSIGNED TO – at least according to one of the agencies we’ve been evaluated by. … So today at one point the aid specifically came to me to ask a question and I followed her with my translate in hand. She said “on?” as she was pointing to the vacuum and I yelled out the english question to mom and then I typed into the translate that our cleaning lady already did it on Monday. In contrast from the getgo I could have just sat here and said and done NOTHING. NO ASSISTANCE.  But the wheels were already turning with the RN’s arrival. (Actually when the RN was doing the initial evaluation she was asking what assistance we all need and mom sugar-coated her personal care needs after I explained to mom what the RN was trying to ask her. Yesterday I clarified to the RN the medical shoe mom is wearing wrong because she can’t put it on right and it’s not doing justice for her foot). The aid is just sitting here on her phone. She doesn’t know what to do and the language barrier makes it more difficult.  At least I know she’s looking to shop for new furniture online. ... 4/7/17 So it really gets exhausting for me doing translating but it just happened that way. Yesterday she said about me cooking and I explained to her on the translator that it's too much of a long story for me on translator but me and Christine are injured just the same but I was ignored. That when I came home from hospital mom wouldn't let me cook or sew. When she pointed out how mom needs a nurse (and I don't doubt it would be to advertise her help) I put in the translator that our sister died in the accident but mom was never ordered to go for grief counseling and we really needed something. That the screaming she did in the laundry room is only the tip of the iceberg of what we've been through. That mom lied at the surrogate's court and I was cut out of Christine's guardianship and I try to stay uninvolved. That I'm very angry. I didn't even mention Claire. ... Ok it's 5 hours later since I started today and the problem is fixed on G+. So I also meant to mention about this situation that mom talks to this woman as if she understands things and that poses a problem or danger to Christine when you consider that this aid is not brain injury knowledge specific (as in knowing hemiplegia i.e.). What happened is the rug mom uses on the bathroom floor is not the same as the one Christine uses. Mom had taken a shower before Christine and left her rug on the floor. There was a total absence in understanding and Christine took a shower with mom's rug AND for safety reasons the rug had to be picked up when not in use. The rug was never picked up but Christine was fine (for now). Christine is used to doing things a certain way and I'm pretty sure that's a constant that should stay with brain-injured. As we were just chatting at one point when there was nothing to do, mom is conversating with this aid as if the aid understands so with my translator in hand I type some things out for her. I had to tell mom a few times "she doesn't understand you." Part of the conversation was an earthquake fault line along the Ramapo Mountain range and she didn't understand the word earthquake so she called her English-fluent son and I told him what we were trying to say and so he got back on the phone with his mother and she understood. It may not even be necessary for me to have translated. It's exhausting for me to try to remember Spanish, sift through the correct words, and use the translator. When I learned mom got and returned the call of the RN it's no surprise mom sugar-coated everything as simply "it's an adjustment but everything is ok." Everything with mom is "fine." Something as blatant as breaking the knob on the washer is not ok yet mom still expected that aid to come back (but that aid never called back). ... 4/9/17 hahahaha Claire's ass is being kicked. She has feet problems now and is sometimes late to work. Should I call her a lazy ass now? Of all the non-medical life she lived and then just fed into mom's denial. This is not going down like this in this big fat lie. Breathing is harder these days. Had to pull over twice last night on my way home to cough properly and spit out mucous(?) as without getting it out breathing stays shallow. There's still time to save this situation. ... oh yes and more rape of Christine's life. I see the note sent home with her from her workshop that due to an error with payroll or something that they were overpaid and so to recoup the money, instead of receiving $30-something they will be cut pay to $18-something. What a bunch of greedy fucking bastards. Christine could and should be in a more appropriate brain injury rehabilitative involvement. Fucking bullshit. ... 4/11/17 oh yes and when the aid - can't remember so I will come back to that point. This morning mom started her going on of pain saying she didn't know hos she was going to pick up her 8oz bottle on the floor and I said "use a reacher" and she said "I know" and we got into it. I think I said "well if you know than just get to it and stop putting these lives through this." As always invalidating me just like when I told her about my friend in NY who is my age and comatose same amount a year later and his mother does NOT go on like mom does over every little thing. Invalidation that I'm telling the truth. A habit of life as I know it. Completing a task correctly is so rehabilitatively important that regardless of mom's constant impatience Christine is happy when she remembers something right or completes a task right. I noticed her jubilance this morning. Just another day. ... I did ask mom again why the light is out on the dishwasher. Prelude to another laundry room incident? These outbursts have really taken a toll on the lives of me and Christine. Oh but mom is more important. (sarcasm). ... 4/12/17 Yesterday’s record is not on here (note about backup). So what I forgot about the aid deals with the rug in the bathroom. The aid didn’t understand mom saying the rug had to be picked up after the shower (for Christine’s safety) or did she? She already learned how out of it mom is from mom’s laundry room outburst. I’m sure (rightfully so) she has turned mom off in many cases at least that's a possible impression. I asked Christine if she went in and out of the bathroom ok with the rug there and she did. Mom is rediculous with many things. For example, when she gets new furniture no one is allowed to sit on them or use them and I can see that being a culture copy-cat thing even if it’s from TV. Yesterday was 80 degrees and it sounds like the aid was saying how hot it was. Mom didn’t open any windows and today mom did her rediculousness of me opening the windows. Today is supposed to be cooler. I grew up in this insanity post accident. There have been times I told mom she has no sense of physics. I’m too exhausted right now to go into it. ... 4/13/17 After I finished typing yesterday I lay down on the couch zapped of energy. The rug had been picked up from the bathroom floor after Chris had taken a shower. It seems the conversation I had with the aid was not in her memory. It was too exhausting to go through it again so I didn't. I'm feeling exhausted again today. But I remember from the bilingual ways like when my supervisor once... 4/16/17 So to finish off the last entry I had memories back to a job I did once where they were extremely happy I would use whatever Spanish I could with the customers but knowing the tricks of the immigrant bilingual trade, this collections supervisor had to collect from a Chinese guy once and he swore he couldn't speak English at his restaurant so she called back and asked all kinds of questions above normal about an order. He spoke English just fine so she finally let on who she was and told him to pay up. Just sayin. So it turns out mom did more waste with surgery. The toe she had operated on by the foot doctor used on Christine's denial of me involved in Christine's care and who has never addressed Christine's snapping knee, was a waste of time because the toe next to it started acting up, and believe me we hear her going on all the time. So she went to another doctor who recommended amputation (?!?!?! - I know how that freaked her out) because every toe she gets operated on, it's just going to do the same thing. Mom's years long foot doctor does house calls and he has the same thinking as me. When mom told him about the amputation recommendation his first question was "Is he a surgeon?" That's what a surgeon will say because that's what they do just like mom went to a knee replacement factory doctor to get the recommendation that all her friends who don't have a 35+ year orthopedic history had much success with. The orthopedic doctor she's been going to all these years who was never sued for malpractice for leaving a bent bone in my leg at the emergency room and whose ex wife is the fat phobic psychologist who couldn't see past what I turned into rather than FINALLY addressing brain damage, told mom not to have a second knee replacement. Sure enough mom is worse off but feels she's not because she no longer has pain in the knee that was replaced. This is the profound lack of medical care and insight me and Christine were left in only brought to a higher level of confidence by Judge Deanne M. Wilson at the Morris County Surrogate's Court. It's Easter but bunny's don't lay eggs and Easter things are not only things available to Jesus so I'm out of the house for a while until Claire and her gang are done at the Australian Outhouse and they are no longer local. My life is flashing before my eyes as the Vietnamese doctor who was injured by police on a plane gets justice for what I never did because I'm stuck with morons neglecting a life. I'm on a slow connection and will probably only be here for another hour or two.... 4/20/17 How ironic. At the library I last saw Miss Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out there is now a two hour time limit. There goes all my progress. Fuck this. Stupid bitch. I can't but help to keep making the connection for real.... Racist fucking discriminatory bitch. I could spew out worse slurs. stupid bitch stupid bitch with no rhyme or reason. ... 4/26/17 so as I wait out the week for Students to finish their last minute projects before finals the pressure is mounting. I just can't take the fucking silent care we were left to. Recently NYC'er Joy Bahar said something about "just let them talk themselves into their own destruction" - paraphrase. THAT'S the act-like-an-american inappropriateness we were left with. (flashes of mom sitting across the table from Pat Guide not saying a word about the life preparedness and life issues that Pat Guide can AT LEAST dialogue about). Flashes of the woman at the earth day event who seemed to be talking to me condescendingly but that's part of the social reading damage done to me by coma that was never dealt with and only brought to a higher level by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. I'm many times not able to see if they're being condescending or nice when I don't know them. There are two things I was specifically putting down today as I had to make note about them on my phone. Yesterday I assisted with the language problem as well as today and both times our lives flashing before my eyes that we were left to this fucking immigrant who would be fine if medical lives were not involved. Yesterday I heard Christine struggle with the language barrier that the nurse couldn't help her because she was out of necessities for the month. Knowing life around this house I highly doubted that was the case and had to disturb mom from the phone to know if she had some and mom answered me and her cousin Mary on the phone must have said "What's that?" and mom dismissively said "Oh just some question I was asking and she'd have to deal with it when she gets off the phone. LIE. Today as well it would be a disaster if I was not here to help with translation because the word "box" was not understood. The aid brought upstairs the clothes / towels she saw in an old yellow laundry carrier and I clarified. The aid used some gestures of things laying around and we understood. I loudly said to mom that this situation wouldn't happen without me. That the last aid mom just kept screaming at never called mom back and as mom stumbled on her words I reminded her how things went down. Deny deny deny. I left early to get more alcohol. Mom has a disregard of ANY nonphysical well being of me and christine. When mom says "we'll get by" she leaves out Christine lashing back at her with "shut up!" Anyway I need to go get dinner and remain in my extremely pissed off state being failed by so many. there was another thing i'm forgetting. at ... ok so after round 1 I remember. Yesterday mom talked again about how I should try the dental schools for myself and YET AGAIN I had to go into how I'm taking the death sentence while she is not taking care of her other children. That's what started us on the wrong foot these past two days. Just like those few and far between nail-head-hitters, my ex knew for damn-sure he "would never be able to put up with my mother's ways" (thanks a lot! That really helps!) yet he's not around as a witness AND he also stated he could never imagine losing a child - so his solution just remains hanging in the air.. Just like my friend who graduated Suma Cum Laude from college only to get brain damage from the liquid diet that followed TMJ surgery said I'm far better off not remembering who I was before brain damage. Tonight I think the aid was already gone when we got into it that mom declared she's the boss and I went off "do you know how many bosses are arrested for fraud??? Do you know how many bosses are found guilty of" (can't remember how I phrased it). The RN has already witnessed the destructive invalidation by the only guardian we were left with. I'm another drink closer to death. No more life-saving fruits, vegetables, herbs, lemon water or tea. I can't function without coffee. Recently mom's "forgetfulness" iterated for the first time I should get checked out my gas problem. WHAT?!?!?! OBLIVIOUS!!! I had to remind her what she sounded like at my age exactly. She used to look out my window at night at was happening in the neighborhood while I was in bed and right in my head!! Stupid! But then again all these people talking to her about the past is the past AGAIN is her ticket to the past never happened. I must have inherited serious gas problems from her even though I been saying something was done to my digestion in the children's hospital. Unbelievable how reality is now being written off. At that age I even complained to Aunt Theresa who joked I must have thought there was "a tractor going by." Aunt Theresa whom mom is mysteriously and suspiciously getting along great with. With Aunt Theresa's statement there is an unspoken "I have sleeping problems too. Let me complain about that too." Flashes of the fat-phobic psychologist in denial they are fat-phobic. She should see Aunt Theresa! She has seen her in the pictures I've shown her of the sister reunions mom has gone to many of times. What do I have? No fucking sister reunions that's for sure. Are you listening Judge Deanne M. Wilson??? There may have been something else over these past days I'm not remembering. oh and here's the real sickening part. She says her rosary (like now) before going to sleep which has hurt us more than help us. While claire lives in her hypocrisy knowing full well she had to get out of this environment for sanity oh but god took care of me being stuck here and mom tried her best all the while believing mom's rosary is a problem. ... 4/27/17 I again drove home the point that her staying here all by herself acted adverse to our well-being. It fell on deaf ears. This morning I got woken up by all of mom's wails of pain about the garbage being in her way. 3 years and she just can't do things the right way. We don't need this shit in this country with no protection. ... I heard Chris in response say to mom a disturbed-disappointing "Ok" and what that tone of voice means is Chris's whole mood is bad (created by mom's disturbing outbursts). The same thing happened when our cousin Laura took care of us that summer when mom was in Ireland and Chris lost a lot of weight. When I say i don't agree with what Chris had to go through it's a flashback to when mom got home and she could tell right away something was wrong with Chris. Chris is very easy to read when something is wrong and she's not happy. I was able to tell Chris is not the same after I bought my house and at different times when Christine's morale is going bad when she is left here to mom going on and on. History shows you can only read these things when Chris is at home and just like me copies mom's "jolliness" when out and about. ... was going to write some other stuff and forgot as i was looking up directions for where I am today on a fruitless job search because I have no clothes for an interview and if my information will be online it falls on them and not me as to who put it online. I'm too damaged. ... 5/3/17 Made some notes offline I'll have to transfer in and I'll get to it one of these days. VERY BUSY but just constant reminder of how Christine is missing out on in this douchebag part of America. Fucking fix this. ... 5/5/17 I missed a day of productivity because of the immigrant in this country who doesn't belong here denying all legal and medical rights of children who were left in her care by a bunch of douchebags. Mom had been out for some hours. I went back to bed when the aid got there. OH AND DON'T LET ME FORGET HOW FUCKING PISSED OFF I WAS THAT A NEW RN CAME TO THE HOUSE ON A DAY I WAS NOT THERE. Can't trust mom that oh they called after I was gone from the house. Anyway, I woke up 2 hours later and we were all interacting same as ever between translation and me making Christine laugh with my burps and the TV shows we used watch when we were little. Mom comes home and maybe she was upset she didn't get to accomplish all she liked to but she was particularly cold-snappy with all she would say even as I was trying to assist her in getting onions out of the freezer, etc. Finally I said "would you stop (imitated screaming)." Then I had to try turning off her oven fan I had put on for the aid WHICH MOM SHOULD KNOW but just like I had to show mom how to use her microwave in other ways, mom had no idea. It was the aid who figured out how to turn off the fan which is tied into the microwave above the stove. So again with her complaints of how hard everything is for her I said about how she needs to go back to the surrogate's court and fix it so she doesn't have to live like that and she cut me off with her latest shit of how full of shit I am and eventually she said I was gone for 20 years and lived life just fine followed by her saying that I'm just listening to someone which not only is the usual invalidation but the someone she is referring to is the brain injury counselor who FINALLY let me know what was wrong with me. The guy who lived with the brain injured in a VA(?) as part of his schooling so that when my crying spells or stories of rage came along, was no big deal. It/they a common symptom of brain injury that he lived with and observed day in and out. I met him while in college and he kept telling me I should take care of the legal stuff but I was overwhelmed by him saying that. I didn't know how to go about it while I was in school and I was essentially deserted by family in assuring proper legal and medical rights. So back to what happened next (and for the next 17(?) hours?). After mom took her attitude about the surrogate's court I said that's why she is to go back to the country she understands life in. I lost it and the aid started to stick around rather than leave. I don't know how much she understood but something was definitely wrong. All I did was keep repeating I was gone for 20 years and I was just fine. I ran the gambit of only once has mom slept at one of my living spaces and she's never eaten at my living spaces because of the lifestyle she set up when I got home from the hospital in not letting me continue to cook. I ran the gambit of what is wrong with her grandson and she denied it. It was at this point that the aid was standing by the stairs looking my way as I was running through the special schooling he didn't qualify for so it all fell on Claire to do. I said "What Claire never told you all of this because she thinks you're too stupid to understand? ... You talk all the time. What do you talk about???" I was basically being harassed as usual but at the moment not able to climb out of it. After the aid left (and all I could say to her was "sorry" and she said "es ok" as she went down the stairs) I went to take a shower. It was then it hit me about "listening to someone" so I came out of the bathroom still booming with a new one "oh and who did you finally listen to in getting a lawyer??? It's just not good enough when I say it???" After my shower I had way too much energy (which I used to walk off whether it was 5 miles or 10 miles depending on the level of fucking disregard) so I let my mother know I was now having a night of drinking because of her. Mom was helping Chris put on her jacket and Christine's annoyance was shining through because she was tired (of listening to me?) and I asked where they were going but mom said they were going to the Elks and I said oh you're going to get some perspective about this situation there? - paraphrase. And mom said no that they don't talk about these situations at the elks. And I said that's her problem. She never said anything to anyone so this could be fixed (when I was 18) or ever. I told her and told her Christine is not the only one who needs care and she fucking ignored me and did nothing. 2 drinks later I was still awake when they got home 3 hours later and I didn't let up. I kept at it. I got 2 hours of sleep and after going to the bathroom still went at it. Wanting to take a break from the drinks I did Vodka instead so 2(?) hours later it felt sure as shit I was going to sleep but nope - I couldn't sleep. An hour and a half later I go for another drink so by the time I'm done with that the alarm had gone off and I could go back to sleep. I woke up 2 or 4 hours later and still went at it (or maybe not. I don't remember). I do know that rage pumping through my veins just wasn't ending so I drank myself to sleep again. When I got up at 3pm and was drinking coffee I still went at it and didn't stop until I left the house at 6pm. At the 5pm mark mom called for a pizza for dinner. It turned out to be a bad choice to stay in her presence and still go on because the conversation changed to me being let go from Social Security when I was 18 and she said it simply had to do with me turning 18. I reminded her she told Social Security I was working and they cut me off. She denied she told them anything (the story changing) an my blood started to rise. I then wasted my time in this harassment by telling her they never told her there is a Work option to keep your benefits. As the Hitler bitch kept her cool and then just stopped answering me about it's not just Christine disabled and that I was never taken to a doctor like Christine for Social Security to continue I swiped all papers on the table. She said "That's it. I'm calling the police." as she went toward the phone and I stopped and said "Go right ahead." and she stopped going to the phone and I said "see empty threats!" (I really paid a price out in the world with those empty threats like when Mighty Mouse actually went ahead and had the police arrest me after pulling my pants half way down in physical therapy wasn't enough for him - something his aid Barbara witnessed but NYS has no fucking justice for fucks like that guy). FUCKING LISTEN BITCH TO THE LIVES YOU WERE GIVEN GUARDIASHIP OF AND STOP FUCKING LYING. It turns out a glass broke during my rage attention getting swipe. I'm guessing it's an internal blood blister pop on my thumb. Did I break my thumb and infection will spread? Yes! Let it be that I am done with this sick joke of a life. All she could do is tell me to clean up the mess I made and I said how ironic it is that no one is making her clean up the mess of the lives she was left to care for in a country she doesn't fucking understand. Words that went no place were "Claire is in a Republican-centered brain washing sect. Who did I EVER hear the word brain-washing from??? FROM HER." (Which was the same time I only ever heard of the "guinneys" Claire got involved with. As if I knew what all this meant growing up in suburbia). When the pizza guy came I thought he might say something about the mess but he didn't. When I was ready to leave I thought better of it and told mom I just better stay put as I don't know what next she's going to do. I finally just told her do whatever she needs to do and left the house still at it like I had been since she came out with her newest "I was gone for 20 years and was just fine." As I have learned the hard way whether it was when I was blatantly assaulted or white-collar deceived, you CANNOT medicate these brain injury related responses I have. I now have a blood blister underneath my thumb (so it feels like) for my swipe of the table. All of this chaos THAT NO ONE DID A THING ABOUT FOR YEARS is how I wind up with a name "MaryJaneButler." There are other details though out the past 24 to 48 hours that are just not coming to me now. Oh and so then I drive up the street to run into problems with the illegal immigrants who can't speak English yet are taking orders at the drive thru. I asked for a $2 McCafe and up on the screen comes 1 egg mcmuffin. so he fixes that and puts up a medium coffee and I tell him no that he needs to get rid of that and I want a $2 McCafe mocha and the only thing on the screen is a 1 medium coffee. Eventually he gives up and tells me to drive forward.  When I get to the payment window where there is an English speaking American person I tell her she doesn't have my order because he's not understanding what I am saying. She said "all I have is a medium coffee" and I say "no that is wrong. take that off of there." So I go through each thing I want and it becomes resolved. I drive down the highway and go to the U-turn to come here and the usual of two lanes is not happening so I simply go forward where the one lane are cars that are going to the outer lane. There is a car behind me who is probably used to the two lanes but the car next to me is pulling forward so I don't cut him off. He beeped 3 times at me and when we go to pull out he races to get in front of me. I hold up two fingers for him to let him know there are 2 lanes there. I see him beebopping his head of which I don't know if he's enjoying music or talking back to me as if I'm a child who lost a game. So light turns green and I ride his ass across the highway. He puts on his left blinker and as I pass him I keep my hand on the fucking horn. Jackass. ... oh yes flashback that before I left tonight I threw in about mom going to jail for hiding Christine's assets overseas in Ireland and I know who is handling them to. That I'm not her worse nightmare. Her imagination of all that could happen in this strange land is. That Christine's lawyer never would have said she was afraid I was after Christine's money if mom hadn't said it. Flashback that mom was saying something about how the lawyer knew it was ok to cut me off at 18 for social security. She wouldn't answer that he SAID that. Just that he knew. 1. Did the lawyer (whoever the fuck she's talking to these days) know I was also in a hospital with Christine? That all of us were involved? 2. No lawyer is going to say that's the case. Flashback to mom's 20 year claim if it was during the 20 years I brought home a brand new puppy and it was healing for Christine? Was it during the 20 years that I had to pull out of school for a semester over a discriminatory landlord and all mom did is say to the landlady, "well if you've been pregnant than you must know what it's like to have medical problems" and that was the damn fucking end of it. No fucking lawyer for me and when we had to go to the Division of Human Rights she was the only witness that could come with me and she just laughed at the whole thing saying they aren't going to help me. Flashback of all this stupidity that needed A FUCKING LAWYER. ... oh yes and flashback to after the aid was gone mom saying "Why don't you go to counseling?" as an answer and I said (or screamed?) "That's the fucking problem. I wasn't taken back to the hospital that could take care of BRAIN DAMAGE that I lost my life with all these inappropriate psychologists and psychiatrists" - paraphrase. Mind you the psychologist we went to (who is the ex wife of the emergency room doctor who left a bent bone in my leg) only fed into mom's denial of dealing with real issues by staying stuck on my weight. It felt like I landed on deaf ears when I tried to tell that psychologist that the MD she referred me to for Zoloft long ago said that I might find myself losing weight when on Zoloft. Doesn't that make sense that when you stop taking Zoloft it will contribute to your weight? Soon after the psychologist said I suffer mood swings. Yeeeeeeah. ... oh yeah and flashback to while the aid is there I am screaming explaining that I'm not fluent in Spanish because I wasn't taught it at 2 years of age. CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT. Fucking clueless. I then point out that if she's taught gaelic as a child she knows it (didn't even mention the use or lose it notion). Technically the date is 5/6/17. I'm just doing overnights while I can. That my friend in high school (whom mom deceived) was bilingual because her mother started teaching her Spanish at age two. ... oh yeah and flashback to before shit hit the fan and the aid could probably tell she'd be sticking around a lot longer: after mom successfully cooked the frozen onions I not only helped her get but pointed out she didn't need a scissors because it was already open (note her failing sight and memory) she's trying to get over to sit down to eat but the conversation had already started about my nephew and I hold onto her wheels to finish this conversation that he has learning problems and went to an appropriate VoTech for it. She started in with her shit that lots of people go there and don't need to have a disability for it. I think this is the first time "stupid bitch" came out of my mouth. ... oh yes and when the aid was there mom restarted in about moving to senior housing. The next day when I was still going at this I told her she's going to have to go to court because I have nowhere to go and I'm still here. ... 5/9/17 So Sunday was one of those precious moments that Christine started reminding me about things in childhood. The Love Boat was on for her and I said I wonder why they don't show Fantasy Island and that they used to be back to back and Christine reminded me we were able to watch them because they were on on a Saturday night and we didn't have to get up for school the next day. As I went back to making more signs for my community to hand out, she told me the memory of her kindergarten teacher and how they only had to start going in size order when the teacher couldn't find someone. I said to her what her teacher's name was and she said yes and what school she was at and I said I never had her because my kindergarten was at another school, 2 schools because mom got me into school early. That Christine was a Straight A student and I was not so I don't know why that happened. On the conspiracy side of life Mom was denied getting me into school early because the teachers were right that my academics weren't ahead like my friend Raina so mom said "the hell with these hick jersey suburbanites" and took me to NYC everyday to kindergarten and had me lie about my address and then when I turned 5 took me to the public kindergarten so that I simply showed up at the Catholic school in the fall. So I went through first grade proving the evaluations of me correct and mom wrong but I was an A B student. So what happened was then that summer they tried to get the job done of getting rid of me because it just happened too quickly that I was pronounced the dead child. Maybe Mr. DeGraw didn't get paid because he didn't get the job done but he sure as hell got off unsuccessfully being sued for speeding and over the weight limit. So anyway, back to the conversation with Christine, I said her friend (who invited her to her wedding as an adult) was there too but Christine said no because that friend went to the public school and as I can picture in my head a picture at the school bus stop with that friend there I said "Why am I thinking Kelly went on the bus with you too?" Chris said "I don't know." I suggested maybe just during Kindergarten she rode up the street on the bus. Chris reminded me of how there were 1/2 days and some went to the first session and others went to the second (afternoon) session. Mom was sitting in her chair right between me and Christine so there's nothing out of place with this whole scene. Mom just needed to lie and created a mess for herself by leaving me hanging so that I'm just hanging out everyone's underwear. On Monday mom tells me last minute that her foot doctor is making a house call. That is not good for me and mom at one point said put my stuff away. I said I have no time and that if the doctor sees my alcohol just be honest that she went into court and lied about me and now all I have left is to booze it up. She wasn't into the idea and I just kept telling her to just be honest. But she needs to lie about lying. Whatever. Just thinking how failed we were I can't wait to get home in a couple of hours and booze it up again. No one to save a life. As I walked out to the bathroom before my knee buckled. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM??? My body is in sooooo much pain but I keep in sight the end result that 6000(?) miles across the ocean there is a people (many of them innocent) who have the right to be empowered with knowledge making an informed choice rather than having a mess on their hands and then finding out what is happening. But the depths of my sorrow are being worn on the outside. It was really hard to swallow that mom recently couldn't remember me getting lost behind the above ground pipe long ago at the Rockaway Beach in Belle Harbor. THAT WAS A MAJOR EVENT. I couldn't believe she couldn't remember that the pipe was above the sand for a while until they buried it under the sand. I asked her if she remembers Astroland that was there and I THINK she does. I was never ready for this life to turn out this way. EVER. Those to be held accountable. Those to be held accountable. Just keep the silence up and watch what happens. ... I forget how the issue came up she said all her surgeries cured her problems. I reminded her about her toes. She didn't say anything in response to that. I didn't bother getting into how knee replacements are not just for pain. Sure as shit it is as real as can be at times how this is going to end. ... 5/10/17 Well waking up late today and leaving late today all worked out that I got to hear Claire's latest crap. They're all going out for mother's day - they did NOT last year or the year before I don't think - as a matter of fact I think Claire spends mother's day with her own "family" and I even questioned mom on that once. So Claire calls about a buffet around here that is closed and it sounded like the one I go to all the time but after mom asked me I clarify it's the one down the highway that closed down but as far as I know the one I go to is still open. Claire was trying to get a name and mom was in a huff that she'd have to find the paper for it and the rage started to fire up in me. I said "if she's on the computer you just type in and the one name with the town." So I guess Claire heard and mom said "Do you do that? The google?" And then I started in about how oh she finally does the computer too late and not when I so needed her to as I was learning. Mom was shooing me away saying "she's already doing that" and I keep it going how I needed family there for me. I really could have laid in like I did once she got off the phone but I didn't I guess because I'm not used to saying a word with Airhead around. I even gave the name of the fancy restaurant mom couldn't remember that is closed down. After mom was off the phone I laid in that Claire text messages her son but couldn't even get a fucking email address for her sister. That I was all alone and Claire could have done what dad wasn't around to do. Eventually I laid in about how mom used to come down on me for not being there for Christine (this was after mom accused me of kidnapping if I took Christine to her doctor to finally be treated for seizures ten years post seizure-start). I lay in how Claire just couldn't get an email address to help her sister transition into the world we have today. I again talk about Christopher and mom denies he has a birthing injury and it's all just the same words of me saying "Claire never told you that???" Somewhere I said how Christopher has to sue his parents for all the problems (even potential) he's having out in the world and I hope he sues the shit out of them. I say I'd have to sue her and Dad but it's only her around; oh and she's getting rid of all his money to Charity. (Earlier during World News the story came on about the young boy with eye problems who is being given new technology to help him and when it ends I turn to mom and emphatically say "That's what Christine is missing out on without me involved in her care." Mom looks forward and says nothing. What else is new?). Mom forces some laughter but I'm on my way out the door and can only say "You laugh at the medical needs of children???" I'm hoping the aid doesn't feel insulted I didn't go out of my way to say hi to her son who picked her up yesterday. If she saw my interaction every day she would see I barely say anything to anyone and I'm that pissed off. Today was yet another example of how this WOULD NOT happen without me. Mom had Chinese food delivered and she kept repeating and getting more frustrated and cold-sounding when the aid wasn't understanding "cut her meat." I was there to say "carne" and the aid finally got it. I came back with the full translation and the aid said it in perfect Spanish as if to teach me how to say it. At some point there was a lack of understanding about "close the door" and from her chair mom said something completely intelligible but what I couldn't understand. Mom said "close the door" in perfect Gaelic and I said "See THAT'S childhood development. You learned that in childhood so you never forgot it." Mom just doesn't connect the dots on that front which I've known many older generation Irish to be like (or they never admitted it in my experience). Growing up the only Gaelic words we ever learned was a joke around St. Patrick's Day of "Pug a ma hone" (spelling??? - I don't have a clue) which is Gaelic for "Kiss my ass." I wasn't surprised but had no idea mom knew all Gaelic - new another language she could use. During my tiff with mom about Claire I mocked exactly what Claire would do if she was here: "Enough!" Mom started denying that would be the case and I reminded mom Claire has already done that when I said to her in the past 3 years when I saw her "Are we going to talk about this?" Oh I remember: it was at the beginning of the incident in which Claire saw Christine for the first time have emotional-behavioral sequelae and Claire had to go in Christine's room and close the door (to absorb how wrong she is about us?). So if I remember right that whole situation started with Claire saying "enough" and I just started reading all the underwear I was hanging out on Facebook. The climax was Claire witnessing for the first time what living with Christine is REALLY like and she goes into Christine's room and closes the door. On my last leg as I was leaving I also went around the same circle of how things are quiet and peaceful without me here well YEAH sure they are. No one is proactively involved in correct and proper diagnosis and direction of our lives! ... 5/11/17 Today's events in reverse order: I don't know what it is but I have zero tolerance for what seems to be NJ assholes.  This time I go into the right lane after checking to see if I had my space to change lanes. All of a sudden someone stands on their horn behind me. Obviously they must have pulled into the road too fast or come out of nowhere or something thinking they had the right of way. So I'm driving in front of them and I see a van in the left lane in front driving partly in the right lane. Obviously if they think I'm a bad driver, they can surely see worse. So when the van moves on or whatever happened the car behind me drives by me with the male passenger hanging out the window yelling something. I didn't have time to roll down my window to hear or react so I see this car get in front of the car in front of me. With no patience left for these assholes (that I could be avoiding had Miss don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out not pulled what she did and I wouldn't be in this town) I pull into the left lane and pull behind them as they are speeding away. I'm surely not turning off where they are so as I get out of the lane as they are getting off I lay on my horn as I keep repeating "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME???" I was so shaken up I was shaking as I went through the drive-thru. Earlier I left the house in a hurry as I hear mom call Pat Guide with the sweet sounding nothing's wrong tone of voice. Before that mom uses the information I gave her to look into where they're eating for mother's day. She had spoken to Claire while I was in the shower so I only heard the end of the conversation. Suddenly mother's day has become a holiday event for all of them when it never used to be. Mom is sure not to call Claire back with me there. Is it so they can visit with Christine before they send her off to a group home (reversing what was always supposed to be the case that Christine would live with her)? Who's lying? Mom or Claire who now reverses that the insurance has to pay for alterations to Claire's house for Christine to live in??? Is it because mom has now reversed what she always taught me that you deal directly with the insurance and DO NOT deal with the case manager (who Claire just doesn't get is only to save money for the insurance)??? Is it because now that TJ is in college and he knows about my blog he can read about the lives his mother left behind and that his father passes off in their accepted misogynistic way? Am I really being thrown out on to the street and this woman is never being held accountable? This is it? ... 5/14/17 So I got through the day. The bunch of them in their 1/2 baked shell (I assume all) went out to dinner. I was stuck on a slow connection and going home soon. And my sadness will go into the alcohol soon that will help me sleep.... 5/15/17 I have little patience today. Mom sleeps like a log while I am up all night and then she wakes me up with all her yells of pain after I manage to sleep through Christine leaving today. We've already been through how the cleaning lady does the part of the house where I sit last so there's no rush but she just keeps up the same old story. And I have to. I actually don't remember what I was going to say but there I go again helping the cleaning lady operate the sliding door she couldn't figure out how to open. When mom was talking to the social worker before mom said the language barrier is a real problem with no mention of my assistance. I don't know how the social worker phrased it but mom made it very clear Christine is only happy going to her shop every day. As if Christine doesn't have sister(s) that can make a better evaluation. Just like when the aid said to me there are things out there Christine could benefit from regarding her physical problems and I made it clear that I tried but mom lied in court and the judge bought it hook line and sinker so I'm not doing a damn thing now. The only thing I can do is absolutely nothing (in protest). Translation with the aid doesn't always happen as precisely as it needs to but I think she came to understand. The point is even the aid can see the things Christine is missing out on. The aid commented once how Christine was a pretty girl before the accident as all of Christine's pictures from childhood are hanging in her room. I noticed a picture today that now I know why I saw Kelly at the bus stop. I opened the window today here because it's hot and as soon as she went on about it flashback to her telling me a guy working on the garage asked if the person who sleeps above ever complained of  the cold and this out of touch incompetent said "a few times" as if the past is something to look at trivially. When the cleaning lady said something and I said something to mom and she said "do you ever talk nice to each other?" and I said "not anymore. Christine has a life to get better..." and mom was sitting there shaking her head no. ... 5/16/17 Just some notes - it was 4/24/17 when I learned of Japan's lack of sex and lack of population on natgeo 162 and there was no clue it was out of fear of having post-fukushima children with birth defects. The greatest excuse seemed to be women are more independent in the modern world. Note from 4/25/17 is to look up federally subsidized corn-worm found in high school food bowl which brings me to what happened 2(?) days ago that I now have a better idea of what Christine's untended medical condition is. The aid must have an idea too. I had to go to the bathroom so told Chris to not bother flushing. With Christine's "retarded" social life she wasn't putting some basics together and so now I have a better idea. That made me think back to mom trying to lie about Christine going to physical therapy for her leg by saying "her whole body" when I know exactly what's going on - Chris can't do wall-slides like a normal person to work the quads so they have to lay her on a machine slanted so she can do them. NICE TRY! Anyway, that brought back the memory that today I was reminded of reality again of the lint in Christine's brace that the head of physiatry at Kessler indicates a problem but Judge Deanne M. Wilson just doesn't give a shit of the neglectfulness she exposed and then let slide as blood from Christine's head ran down our driveway giving Christine a new brain trauma. I had sent pictures of it to Christine's social worker a while ago as well as my own helper but I guess it will go no where. Mom and the social worker caught up yesterday(?) and no mention of my assistance of the language barrier however the cleaning lady mentioned (before finding something misplaced by the aid) that if the aid didn't understand mom asking where it went that maybe I could do it. That tells me mom is truthful where and when she needs to be - to the ones not connected to this. Just like she must have found out all 911 calls are recorded so she now goes back on her lie she told in court that Christine was standing on the landing waiting for her bus. Ok so other notes are on 4/27/17 is date I was not there when new RN came to the house. I was very upset about that and tried to ask the aid why someone new but the translation wasn't working well. On 4/28/17 Pat Guide asked if mom didn't like the first aid and mom said it's not a matter of that; that she broke her washing machine. The conversation called for mom explaining that she called her the next day about what time she'd be coming and the aid never called or came back. Ok I have transferred notes. ... 5/17/17 another day. ... 5/20/17 no time to update today as I was going to do particularly what has happened 2 or 3 days ago with mom's new lie she has been turning on the air in the house for the past ten years. Riiiiiigggghht! As if! The woman left the air turn on switch to be devirginized ONLY by the work guy every year. More details when I have time. Need to check on pipeline protestors today. Mom's lies might sound innocent enough but not when you consider the body-slamming of children's lives on concrete they did in the justice courts of America. ... 5/25/17 some notes: The day I turned down my laptop was a day I could have used it when mom flatout lied last night she's always turned on the air in the house. Riiiiggghhtt. Cleaning lady only needed to adjust temp (I have since remembered around 5/20/17 it may have only been the temp adjust but I know for sure she didn't dare touch the air herself - which actually makes sense as to why the temp had to be adjusted by someone else). Getting drunk from the high school student answer I gave yesterday about psych being the worst thing to happen to brain injury (on a group post). Make note mom's response about being sued is because she's insured for it. While I'm left with the guessing game of my future she plays the cool calm cat because Claire has assured her insurance takes care of everything (before Claire has ever really dealt with insurance) and mom is the continuation of salt in all wounds ... even after a night's sleep she kept up the lie but going to get hair done so can be walked down memory lane. Mom can't hear that the air wasn't shutting off and I only try to avoid fire. 5/19/17 so I fixed mom's phone problem knowing it's a billing problem and it will go unannounced. I knew exactly what the problem was but without her recognition of me I stay silent most times. She dialed zero for the operator and did her usual frustration emotion with automated systems. She doesn't know that she needed to reset up her mailbox before she can get any messages on there. I sure as hell wasn't expected to become college educated just to be blown off by her because after a while Claire has convinced her "college isn't all that" - paraphrase while not admitting that as I was asking Claire what to so with myself in getting my degree she only said / lamented that she never finished college. ...  5/26/17 Dear #MtLaurel Attorney(s). I am in receipt of your 30 day threat to pay over $3000 to a credit card that I think was taken over by #Citibank but I can't be sure on the take-over. I have no problem paying my debts; always planned to do so, but I need a job to do so. You should direct your potential lawsuit to either the State of New York who failed my Bachelor of Science degree or The Morris County Surrogate's Court who got away with negligence in the medical care of injured minors; in that case send it Attn: "Christopher Luongo, Deputy Surrogate." His impatience with this matter was quite obvious when he practically hung up on 2 people that were calling him for me and my sister from the Independent Living Center. I have no problem with your threat - I've studied case law way too much to understand you are just doing your job as a lawyer but the phrase "you can't pull blood from a rock" applies here even though in my wildest dreams it was never supposed to apply to me. You can also go after my mother for that money who is floating around free in this country not having to face the real medical and legal realities that were upon her after the death of my father. Based upon my story you can see how she gives immigrants a bad name but - oh actually I forgot there is one other entity you can put your lawsuit to and that is the no-fault insurance who along with the Surrogate's Court and anyone else, knew we were not in the proper medical and legal care that is available in America. That's pretty much all I have to say and I hope you see this because this is all I have to say. In thirty days from now it will be just another day IF I'm still here to talk about it. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork.... 5/28/17 I've been updating directly online. This back and forth is too much. I'm leaving the below post of 5/26 as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog. Spoke to my Aunt across the ocean last night. The first thing that came through is the honesty they live in on their own land opposed to the lie in this country. That includes Claire because it was a brief discussion of mom's will that my Aunt brought up - not me. Then things revealed the cluelessness from across the Atlantic Ocean as to the far-reaching legal and medical aspects of injured children in America. What does "mam had a hard life and came to America and worked really hard" have to do with securing the legal, medical, and constitutional rights of American children "mam" had?  As usual my needs were dismissed as "you get a long OK." When I brought up going back to the Surrogate's Court and fixing this there was a complete aloof dismissal of the idea. Flashback to Steven J. Straub stating to the judge that this is the arrangement "for now" - me knowing full well the lies he was saying. As usual it is sister standing by sister - a developmental loss with profound effects for me but then again the older generation Irish are specifically lacking in understanding childhood development. My Aunt's belief in what mom has to say (that I'll be taken care of) reveals to me she is lacking in the knowledge of lies on this side of the Atlantic Ocean. She asked my views on Trump and I said "most irresponsible for the environment." She told me of the illegal immigration in Ireland and I never got to mention my agreement with that. She tried Chinese food once and it was AWFUL. Anyway, no worries. I'm out of four lokos and juice or soda so I'm having Vodka on the rocks to numb my rage back to sleep. As I think back to the dialogue yesterday about my constitutional, medical, and personal injury rape starting in Potsdam NY, interluding in Ogdensburg NY, ending in Syracuse NY, and setting the world afire because there is no justice in the state of NY. ... 5/29/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog). So originally mom didn't tell her friend I had anything to do with the language barrier coping method. 20 or 30 minutes into the conversation the friend must have inquired further HOW does she get by with that and finally mom said I speak a little Spanish but no mention of all that is involved with it or how with her screaming and cold way would have been the end of another aid. She could have mentioned me only because I was obvious that at 5pm I yelled out to Chris what time it was so she could watch Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island and Chris called my name asking a question. Mom may have felt obligated to mention me and in the history of this house was never the case that I could see or if it was it was, to blend in to American life. Flashbacks today of my aunt being absent about mom going back to court (which is probably influenced as well by Claire when she suddenly went to Ireland in 2010(?)) and flashes of mom's and Claire's lawyer saying the Surrogate Court decision was "for now."... 5/30/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog). And there it goes again. Trying to wrap up life and forwarded the email about harassment to the wrong person. All documented cognitive disabilities of reading under time pressure and getting things right under time pressure. Well maybe it all works out because whatever is protecting me here (without taking care of the childhood justice) can know who did this to me over 20 years ago since I have no protection of my person the NJ corruption can investigate that webpage. My mention of terrorist must get me followed not to mention I've always been followed - by whom I don't know. I have a feeling though it will open up a can of worms. No worries I have enough alcohol when I get home. I lost my career. I lost the chance to rightfully be cared for as an injured child. I lost all my lawsuits from violations. I lost I lost I lost I lost. Potsdam freakshow kicked up as I just potentially fucked myself again from being in a situation I shouldn't be in. ... notes from 5/31/17: mom going on about her difficulty getting the bread open for her and Christine's breakfast and then her racing thoughts about the time only now she didn't finish her
sentence (so common growing up in this atmosphere). I woke at 5:14am for a second round and mom didn't set the alarm right (things she is more apt to do these days) so they'd be worse off without me - Christine who says nothing about what mom does takes the brunt of the craziness. 6/4/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog.). Bittersweet realization. Mom saw a former NJ politician on the local TV station and couldn't come up with his name. Christine trying to be helpful asked "Bill Clinton?" seriously trying to help. If that were me I'd be thought of as absolutely nuts. But it's not just the brain injury that does that. My buddy that has the similar injury as me and able to drive himself across the country and back AND has a guardianship AND was in the special olympics AND went to appropriate slower public school when Catholic School couldn't help him has come out with those same type bizarre things. Not necessarily the same world news subject matter. My buddy zones out which could partially be due to the meds he was on as well as the handicapped schooling who tend to have their decisions made by others. When my buddy did something inappropriate financially for his future it was no different that what I did but he had a father (an American one at that) around to step in and take control of his financial life. In my case I'm just now without anything and an inappropriate guardian to say in defense "do whatever you want." A testimony left to the I'm in making an omelette and mom tries to bring in her Irish program on the radio. It was coming in good and I told her to leave it. She didn't want to leave the radio until she was SURE it was the station she wanted so I asked her if there's another Irish prgram on and she said no so I said that's the one then because the other stations she was stopping at I could tell were either religious or non-english international. So she stands by the radio waiting for the song to end still insisting she has to and her impatience is flicked on. The same impatience that ruined
children's rehabilitative lives. Finally she changes it around again and I ask her what is she doing that she had it and she had it in perfect. This was after I fixed the antenna of the radio and told her she's getting worse reception because she's missing the black piece at the end of the antenna. I also inform her she's going to get better reception while standing there because she's acting as an antenna. They are not taught this long ago in Ireland. So as she insisted on doing this I tell her "that's a religious station" "that's a spanish station" etc. She gets in the Irish station again but crappy and I tell her NOT to leave it and I think it's then she tells me to shut up. "Shut up" did not exist throughout the years. I think it's only since I had to step outside of the merry-go-round she had me on of ignoring me by going public once i learned the Surrogate's Court could help us. I've had these same habits up to a certain point of not listening to people. ... 6/6/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog.). Unfucking believable today mom says my aunt in Ireland says that her aid is from Brazil and when there is a language barrier she just enters the translation into her phone. HOLY SHIT BATMAN! MOM COULDN'T TELL HER THAT THAT IS WHAT I DO??? When I asked her about it she said "I thought I saw you doing that once or twice." HOLY SHIT BATMAN! I think this was after the aid was on her phone and when she saw me indicate pain in my chest she told me to go to a doctor and I couldn't get to translate so I motioned my hands to the floor "me drop dead" looked up at her and shrugged "OK." It's clear that any time I indicated this to her before, it's not registering - maybe. Pataki will be happy along with anyone else. Mom won't be happy but she will be free from taking responsibility. The holy level of denial I heard my Aunt comfort mom's denial will be for naught. What else is new? If this life is going to be saved it needs to happen soon giving me ample time to stock up on Kale smoothie ingredients and herbal teas. My alfalfa tabs are past date but I don't think by much. ...6/9/17 Time for time to heal my emotional bruises. I came to do my regular stuff and I'm not sure what went wrong. Started wondering if I have a hygeine problem (which wouldn't be surprising. As I accept death I've stopped flossing and brush only once a day - some days not at all. Adults should have taken proper care of injured children. I know I look a fright wearing the same thing everyday but it's all a part of letting go. Maybe a job is in sight or maybe not. I need to be coaxed off the ledge) or if I was talking too much but it just felt like I was off on the wrong foot and I'm at a disadvantage that I'm behind in life where I ever should be. I'm not used to young people (if I can read their age right) talk to me as if I'm "an elder."lol. It was just a sucky situation. I'm not in a good place anymore of remembering people. Just sucks.Whatever. I have more important issues to take care of and I'm done explaining myself as I did. They can read about me online. ... 6/10/17 for the record: Out of time to put psychiatric hospital post here but last said "
+ Big B I can appreciate your simplistic view on things but you brought up two very different things: 1. ailments and organs and 2. The Central Processing Unit of all the ailments and organs. I'm going to give an example you did not bring up: Athlete's Foot. Let me first say you seem to give up your power in the form of human intuition to the people making money off you but that's normal because that's the way things were set up by turning farms into grocery stores and taking people's self-thinking skills away from them through "modern" and "better care", etc. I would never suggest someone to stop taking mainstream medications without the assistance of an N.D. and an M.D. Stopping some meds (particularly psychiatric ones) can be dangerous if done cold-turkey. Insurance pays for an M.D. (Medical Doctor) but will NOT pay for an N.D. (Natural Doctor). That's how the world is set up. I guess how you take your power back is to research all of this from reliable sources.

Do you know a pregnant woman has to think twice about certain treatments for Athlete's Foot because it could cause birth defects to her baby? That's one hell of a side effect don't you think? The source I cite is just like many other things out there that there's no clinical studies something natural like Apple Cider Vinegar will work: (and this source is not even a medical report backing of all the needed knowledge on this). I'm a witness to Apple Cider Vinegar ridding not only Athlete's foot but balancing out the body's yeast imbalance obvious through yeast infections. I am only a witness to using apple cider vinegar internally diluted in water (with honey if needed to taste). I don't know if that ingestion is adverse to a pregnant woman or not. I am also a witness to a podiatrist (M.D.) saying they've told some of their patients that if they don't want to take Apple Cider Vinegar by drinking it, then at least rub some on or soak in it. As far as yeast infections, Monistat7 needs to stay in business so of course there is not enough studies or knowledge given to the masses. Apple Cider Vinegar does many other health things like help repair DNA and weight loss.

Bill Clinton made the 1990s "the decade of the brain." Enter evil. We are not improving our brains through drugs. Speaking of that let's take an herb that is NATURAL ASPIRIN called White Willow Bark. What happens is that pharmacy starts out with the natural form of these things and adds synthetics to them to make them work faster or whatever. Our natural bodies are not made to work with synthetics so it has to find a way to cope with the foreign substance and adapt. Our bodies wind up doing more work just to keep up with pharma when there are natural remedies available instead. A body conditioned to mainstream will take longer to respond to natural and a body used to doing things naturally will respond badly to the mainstream. Anyway, there are natural remedies for high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. I am a witness to elevated liver enzymes causing depression/crying spells: but as I said this is a very big topic and I'll end this comment for now."... 6/19/17 I was sexually violated recently. It was subtle. It took a day to hit me. Violation with no protection. No proof. I worry about Christine getting quite a few cop-a-feel s. It seems she's been taught by the outside of appropriate boundaries. That does not mean she's tuned into subtle things. No worries. Alcohol and death in my future is all I can see.... 6/23/17 The above was done by a black male within a certain social construct. I don't know what he used to swipe from the clitoris back but remember I talk about all the wannabees or emulations of my ex. My ex has done the emulations of a NYC man, a black man, he's not a wannabe with native because he is part but as I watch videos of some local natives, he walks the walk and talks the talk. I remember him saying he went to a powwow even though local is not his tribe. I was at an age when my life had changed by seeing "Dances With Wolves" but I wasn't even thinking about supporting him - in hindsight I was being kept in a relationship I didn't want to be in. No father to escort Romeo away from the house when I needed to get up the next morning for school and would manipulate me to have me be what he wanted. I somewhat did the same to him. If he insisted on being in my life then he had to be like my dad. No beards, mustaches, or tattoos just to name a few. When I see young couples fight these days in the same way we did I am so happily single. Anyway my ex has done the black man emulation to be humorous by pretending to make a mistake. That's what happened when this guy "bumped into me" and then apologized as did I for being in the way. It was a total setup. I've known my ex to do the same but not in a sexual context. Working in a factory my ex took on many emulations including the Spanish talkers whether they be Mexican or of some other latin/hispanic nature. Remember the dream I had of my occupiers and I mentioned the NYC man who is the real deal compared to my ex emulation syndrome. So anyway I was way down on this roller coaster of life with flashbacks. One of them was another missed warning I don't think I mentioned to Debbie - my Spanish professor in college who let me know he said something to her one morning that completely threw her off that made her wonder "WHAT is she doing with him?? She is a NICE girl." Just more shit to dwell on of this failed life. My ex is a confusingly nice guy. He's the funny guy everyone wants to be around; he's very good with children like I remember when he was working retail after college a little kid was crying over being stung by a bee(?) and my ex took his mind off it by telling the kid "I was  once stung by a bee and my body blew up really big... huge ... and never went back down." The kid and his family had a good laugh by the joke my ex told. My ex knew how to make kids and people laugh and be liked. He just wasn't for me. I flashbacked to - now I'm forgetting - distracted by needing to reconnect but many things - oh I remember when he manipulated me into not pursuing acting saying that I would be pulled into pornos against my will and I need to make sure I'm comfortable with my convictions since I was very "christian." Ok and another thing I flashbacked to was the story of the two high school girls that I thought were closer in age than 15 and 18 but as soon as the 18 year old turned 18 she was arrested for not letting go of the relationship. It's somewhere in my blog. Regardless of how the 15 year old feels, the 18 year old will fall further in love by being bored of the real world just like my ex. I was a minor and deserved protection from someone living out in the real world. That's not Karma what I turned into. Not all natives believe in Karma. That's manipulation of a minor (developmentally disabled no less!). Another flashback happening today was to Aunt Teresa clueless about the negligence in protecting my disabled life in America. For her to say "you get along you know. Your mam comes from a hard life. Very hard." Fucking clueless of the protection I needed. If me getting along ok is seen as ok then someone needed to be here to tame this loose cannon for not giving me any confidence in that state of existence. Flashback to the latest job possibility that doesn't feel like it's enough because I'm far into a hot mess. It's subject matter I'm not trained in and would probably be a low paying job. I'm very thankful about it but can it realistically save me? I've worked enough jobs I was overqualified for and looked like one big idiot when they didn't work out. I've had a flashback to a recent glimpse through my fog of peace with death. It was a Potsdam freakshow flashback where you can't remember if it was a dream or something you saw on TV or in real life. There was a lot of pink and I am thankful for what feels like a spiritual peace for my death. If I can't be saved I need to go. Much more roller coaster thoughts today if I get back to this.... oh yes and the flashback about my ex's paranoia (which was much more of a control issue) about simply kissing another person. It explains why he married the first girl that would actually date him. With all this shit in my past I passed up what could have been a good relationship. He was 15 years older (past this youngin stage) with a Barry White voice that every time will reel me in like a fish captured hook, line, and sinker; a killer sex life but I'm not all about that. There's LOTS of things to do besides classical sex. The sex could have had a better element to it but that comes with time. Me and my ex had already reached that stage but my ex just wasn't into it. Wasn't into trying something to improve his disposition. Anyway my ex fucking paranoid about catching something from a kiss let alone other physical contact - most likely an issue within him that is (loss for words). oh yes and flashback not just a flashback but a real feeling of raw rage that if I just let it flow naturally would not be good. It was regarding what was allowed to happen to our lives by Judge Deanne M. Wilson that replaced Judge Catherine Langlois. But I've had a lot of alcohol these past days and not sleeping as usual. Part of the problem is noises in the house. Mom spits out shit about me getting a job yet she won't get a hearing aid and she thinks I'm going to hold down a job with how loud she keeps the TV??? Yeah ok. Don't forget about her emotional outbursts that wake me up as well. ... 6/26/17 Speaking of emotional outbursts it happened this morning again. I got here late as a result. Her response was that I woke her up at 4am. A refusal to connect the dots of who is in charge of a handicapped child in America. If only I could always realize her "Well you're going to have to move out because I'm moving" is just to get a reaction out of me. This morning after waking late, finishing my coffee, and getting ready for the shower she wouldn't answer questions I needed to plan how the day was going to go or something like that so I say "I only need planning. Not harassment!" Gee isn't that a pinnacle. When the cleaning lady was there I let her know I was supposed to be out of the house long ago. And then said to mom "that's why when injured children tell you they can't sleep you take them seriously!" - paraphrase. There's more but I'm so busy today I don't know if I'll be able to get it all down. Oh and today is the 30 days. I notice there's been an increase in viewing of this blog. ... for the record: this page is still viewable but there is no record of my regular account "Occupied Newbie" and I can't log in. Does Amanda Ames tell her daddy that? ... oh yes - forgot thought already - ... still not here. ... oh yeah ok so mom recently had to have a blister checked / taken care of in the back of her ankle. One day I noticed 3 odd looking oval "skin shapes" on the front of my ankle. Odd but I had no explanation. Then I notice a white bump there suddenly and when I pulled at it it was a blister. I simply poured some apple cider vinegar on it. Not a clue but it tells me it has something to do with mom's unhealthy hardwood floors. Maybe we are plagued by the manmade Shingles virus? Gotten (I believe) from chemtrails. Bring me closer to death? I'll take it while I'm just hanging around and this loud volume of silence surrounds our lives. Can't figure out if it would be the Irish mob or the Italian mob as possibilities. ... So all the other stuff will have to come out long term memory some other time. Not enough time for what's happened recently but I do need to transfer in from mobile. ... 6/28/17 And I just had another medical professional indicate to me there is no reason that I could not help Christine. This medical professional said another way this could happen outside of a guardianship but mom has to be willing to sign. Mom doesn't understand what she's unwilling to sign. Before this mom said in a fight that people are saying I have something really wrong mentally. I asked her if that means the brain. No answer. I didn't even bother asking her if she told these same people that she specifically kept us away from that taking on what my father has always said that "shrinks shrink your head." She knows she lies as she gets backed into corners. I heard her speaking to Pat guide yesterday as she always used to mention me in a tone of voice that was proud and nice. Don't even bother. I still need to transfer in things. ... oh yeah and isn't it ironic the place I've been working at for months without a problem on the computer now has administration that has taken away the privilege I've been enjoying for months uninterrupted. Have to go out of my way now every 2 weeks to renew usage. Have anything to do with the timed computers? Some people are just so screwed up that being vindictive is their only get-off in life. ... oh yeah and I said to this medical professional exactly what I said to mom that Pat Guide is helping her brother and I'm trying to help my sister but guess who's in the way? Only thing mom said today about me being in Christine's care is "We'll see." Check this blog to see how many times she's said that in the past 3 or 4 years. I'm telling you these old fashioned irish immigrants are a complete menace to the medical lives of children in America and I THINK I mentioned today that mom is taking the position of her immigrant sister that "Christine is only saying that" about getting better. I did tell Christine that this is the person she needs to let know she wants to get better. That medical professional said it's up to the people at her shop to help carry through on Christine's wishes. HOLY SHIT BATMAN! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET CHRISTINE TO VERBALIZE TO ALL THIS TIME. It followed knowledge that when I spoke to 2 of Christine's former counselors at her shop, they were all for Christine going to a get better plan. Today was another productive day in proving how right I am. We just need to get back to court and stop the shortchanging of our lives victimized by immigrants running loose in this country staying here without REAL HELP they need. ... well the rest and more waiting has to go to long term memory because I'm almost through here for the night and it's hard to contain myself at the abuse that just snow-balled surrounded by deafening silence. I really miss putting a lot here lately thanks to Giuliani's Mighty Mouse move of internet security. We now know hacking is not a matter of if but a matter of when. ... 7/3/17 I was really peeved being woken up yesterday morning by mom's flares. Mom couldn't get her medical sock on and her flares were getting Christine upset so Christine asked if  she could help. Mom said "No I need someone..." and mom faltered on the word someone. DAMN RIGHT YOU NEED SOMEONE. WE'RE JUST HERE LISTENING TO THIS MISERY UNECESSARILY BECAUSE NO ONE IS SAVING US. NICE JOB JUDGE WILSON. So mom wound up with a much worse situation and is being kept in the hospital. Calls me up and tells me she's going to need stuff. I tell her I don't know what to tell her because I'm not going out for the day and ask if she's called Claire. She says she's left a message but Claire is not too good because of her condition and I say "too bad! She didn't grow up with aches and pains like we did. Suck it up and get with the program." Mom ignores my comment and just keeps talking. Today mom calls me up and I am at an apex of impatience that she's just saying the same so I give her a piece of my mind and hang up. I then realize Claire is not having the heavy burden I am so I call claire's phone and get her voice mail. I don't know if the voicemail went through because as I hang up I start to hear the beginning of the automated voice. Couple minutes later Claire calls back and she says "Hello?" and I say "Ok I guess you didn't get my message. The time has come that you and mom did not prepre and Christine have lived in this house with various aches and pains for years and we have had to suck it up...yet another professional has said they see no reason why I am not involved in Christine's medical care...I don't give a fuck what's wrong with your feet...get your ass in gear and go take care of your mother." And I hang up. On the voicemail I include "I'm glad the witch got you bitch." And all of this is just a nothing for Claire in her brainwashed state that comes back to me as being the problem. Not brain injury of any of us. Just Me. ... notes 6/22/17 everything went wrong yesterday and not going better now. 6:15 in the morn and this abuse we were left with. Finally took the tv remote on mom from turning up the volume and calls me an alcoholic. Slaaap! ... notes 6/24/17 It's noon and I'm making my first meal for the day;. Mom asks what I'm making and I stopped it before it started by saying "an omelette for myself." In a while she complains about what she has to do in getting Chris lunch and I say to go back to the surrogate's court and tell them the problems she has and now needs me included for help. Mom makes her noises of disgust. ... notes 7/3/17 I got off the phone with mom real quick when I heard Claire said she's not dealing with my yelling message (which was on speaker phone) and called her starting in a very sweet voice. She hung up. I called back leaving several messages - some on speakerphone - with Chris answering questions like getting better at Kessler and tv shows I put on for her. This situation is exactly like the morse code responders who turned off and went to bed for the night missing all of Titanic's cries for help. ... 7/4/17 drug addict's youngest grandson is on his way for his grandmother. I left several more msgs during round 2. Hosp calls 1:50pm saying someone needs to drive mom's car so I give Claire's #. ten minutes later calls back but I don't answer the phone. Mom calls and says grandson gone home [nothing new about that impersonalness] but needs me to answer (so they know she can come home). She threatens to call the police on me and I say ok bye. I already explained a criminal v.s. civil matter to her. How very ironic mom threatened to call the police on them if she didn't let her leave the hospital. How fucking poignant. ....7/6/17 So I'm trying to remember what day it was of the absolute cluelessness of Claire. Calls up mom and says "you're home?" and mom says "Yes. Thanks." Oh ok it was on 7/4 because (I forget). Anyway, yesterday her harassment of my status as a child made me go ballistic on her and she does her newly found "Call the police!" I ask her why didn't she say that when her various friends were still around but now she's having a hayday saying that because she's involved with Christine's handicapped groups. After the incident I could hear the aid say the spanish word "crazy" into the phone relaying the incident in Spanish and I don't know if she was talking to a supervisor or her family. If she only knew how that word alone said by a medically incompetent immigrant in this country escalated the abuse over the years and brought it to this point. If she only understood. The other day she said "yes" when I asked if Christine signed for a certified letter but it turns out not. It's the deaf leading the blind. This is why fate should have just let be and a child should not have been resuscitated. Only compounded by Claire's hypocritical denial. I said on a message for Claire to go research left hemiplegia. The hell this is all coming down on me. ... 7/14/17 so today a medical professional came o the house and asked mom questions and mom lied (out of embarrassment I guess because when she cut me off form saying "you have to give all information ... "she said "I already told that to the nurse!" before she told him to ignore me - that I'm her daughter). The medical professional's sense of humor was a god-send in feeding into that what I say doesn't matter. The same thing happened when I had to tell him about the medical shoe that mom isn't wearing right because it has to be tied with her heel all the way back. My rat-packing abilities would have come in handy for the belt from an unused robe that mom either threw out or misplaced with Claire when Claire was helping clean out the house. I was sure to keep mail from 2002 they were going to throw out from the NJ Brain Injury Association. So she can lie and say she never knew right? I've been getting more letters from attorneys that remain unopened. There's nothing to talk about. But that's what happens when you're involved with a pipeline fight - also could be that now my student loans are in default they are getting into EVERYTHING. I have removed myself from the stress of trying to help the aid with translation. She can deal with mom only and I won't necessarily be seen as the crazy one. It's too much stress for me to even try to translate that for understanding let alone she has no idea mom's the reason Claire went to jail long ago. ... 7/17/17 oh yeah I should tell what happened with the elevator incident in the past couple days. I brought home shopping in all my pain (particularly back pain) and I'll guess it was my fat ass that bumped into the cheap no-fault insurance elevator inner door that made it come off the track. Mom calls the elevator guys that usually come that I told her were full of shit because he kept changing his story every time I spoke with him and she's told the contract is Monday through Friday 9-5 and no one is available at 4pm on a Friday. She goes on that it's emergency; that they need the elevator. He hangs up on mom. Mom looks at me and talks to me as if I'm going to help and I tell her I'm no buddy of hers when it comes to the elevator LIAR (long story short). So mom calls Claire after looking in the phone book to have Claire look up elevator places on the computer and Claire has to call her back because Claire is in the middle of something  There's back and forth with Claire giving whaat she can and mom doing what she can with the numbers she has. As soon as I hear mom say she needs someone to come in an emergency for the elevator, that there is 2 handicapped people in the house I lose it and start yelling in the background. As mom hangs up she says she doesn't want to get all into that. THERE'S NOTHING TO GET INTO. JUST TELL THE TRUGH THERE'S 3 HANDICAPPED PEOPLE. So I may have lost it before that when she says she's got to spend the weekend calling the police to help her and Christine get up and down the stairs. I walk her through her lies over the past 3 or 4 years. She found someone to come to the house Friday night and for cheaper too. I said she needs to get her contract money from the first guy and all she says is "Well I hope I get it back." SLAP! That's the legal and medical rights we were left in. After losing it and she was on the phone with Claire Friday night I'm yelling in the background to look up left hemiplegia. Claire hangs up mom can't get back in touch with her and I assume she hangs up the phone until I see a large gray car stop in front of our driveway. In hindsight I'm guessing it was Christopher she had drive by. Claire's looking for proof that I'm senior abusing; oh and she happens to be looking for this in the same house she told me to go back to in the midst of me being evicted from a nursing home in which she refused to take me in. Riiiggghht that's the drugs Claire is on. This weekend I got to chat with a Princeton graduate who verified the Rothschild family is not the only no-good family involved in Princeton's existence. I also didn't hold back from my native friends the brainwashed cluelessness (or European-comfort-centered) biblical advantage Claire is involved in. That they didn't accept the one true god knowledge Europeans brought to them so Europe's brutal murder of them was given and / or allowed by God to happen because they didn't have the true god's protection. If only Claire didn't protect herself with such denial. Then maybe she wouldn't be guilty of such recklessness. She is "not dealing" with reality.... 7/23/17 loooong dream. It was the dairy queen classmate again. She was some type of medical professional(?) in a facility I have no idea in waking life why I would be there. One way, in order for patients to feel better is to molest them sexually. I'm laughing as I type this. How many people admit these dreams? Anyway just like in the Congo there are certain apes who do this like the love-fest hippie chimps whose mother will perform oral sex on her son to calm him down. So I think the sexual gratification started as I stopped talking and lolled in misery. She and other "nurses" were making plans with patients such as going to different activities. In the dream I was disinterested in doing anything. That's when the slow (frustrating?) sexual gratification started occurring (while she was making activity plans with this other patient roomate of mine. The molestation was over clothes and in a wide circle. In the dream I even made a connection of that to the ones in the Congo. When I heard her on the phone with her father I started to cry because it indicated she got over her big problems she used to have with her father. She got on the phone with her father just as I was going to ask if her parents are still alive. lololol if she ever knew about this dream. She may know now. lololol. I just woke up nad haven't been able to write down the whole dream. Hope I remember later. ... So it's later in the day and I had to look up the info about the Congo Chimps. I remember learning about their hippie love-fest on Nat Geo recently in contrast to the Chimps who will be abusive to their female mate just like humans are apt to do. And so I have much to write about but I also have much to get done on this slow connection today. I've been getting sick a lot lately and it all started with I found out 2 four lokos would put me to sleep for a rare full 7 hour sleep. That didn't last for long and I tried to get back to the old Vodka drink after 1. I started chalking up my vomit-more-than-usual to the heat combined with the ice drinks I was getting every day. I used to sit out for hours in a place where I used to save money by having ice water there. Turns out when the water is warm it tastes like cleaning fluid. That must be a factor in all the ice drinks I've been having. Could also be the drizzle in the drinks too. Will write more as I remember. There was something significant with mom I'm not remembering right now. ... 7/24/17 so what I remembered when I got home was the recent dawning of me and Christine being likened to Jayce Duggard or Elizabeth Smart in the guilt or fear of a child. My mother sure convinced me not to get social services involved because I would be taken out of the home. That actually was the conclusion she made based on what happened with Claire. And there were some other things I was going to write about but I'm not really focused on that right now even though it's important. Like I'm having a fleeting memory that I was going to comment that in the above I never reported what happened with Christine reporting to her shop she wants to get better because I took it up with one of the latest medical professionals that indicated there's no reason I shouldn't be involved in Christine's care. I was exhausted by hearing the response of yet another one saying they can only do so much. They're right. I don't hold anything against them. I've been through enough of this since I had too huge of a weight dumped on my at 18 years of age by a medically incompetent immigrant in the US of A. Christine told her counselor at shop she wants to try the get better plan and her (current) counselor said mom has to speak to her - that Christine cannot speak for herself. No worries. I'll be drinking myself to sleep soon. ... oh yes and the day mom's occupational therapist came I was fit to be tied with how much everything was bothering me so I started drinking mega early making myself a meal at the same time. As my heavy buzz was taking over I put mom on the spot to tell me what left-hemiplegia is and all she did was shake her head no and I pointed out that's the care we were left in. It all started with mom NOT doing with the OT that the PT made her do of count out loud so she doesn't lose track so I reminded mom to do what the PT told her and I started counting out loud and she did her mother-child thing of telling me to go away and I said to the OT "see. That's what ruins a life." - paraphrase. I really don't remember what I said but the point was made. Eventually Christine came into the conversation because mom thought Christine was here last time the OT was. So I clarified and told the OT about Christine's seizure history. The OT was able to inform me why they rolled me around on a big ball in OT at the children's hospital. I was surprised to hear one of the conditions was core strengthening because that is a real problem for me (as my big belly obviously points out). Was I supposed to keep up on core strengthening throughout the years??? I can only imagine what the OT was thinking hearing mom so disconnected from knowledge of what left and right hemiplegia is when we were left in her care. Last night I saw on "One Day At A Time" the joke about the woman in the dental office that wasn't talking because her teeth were wired together. How ironic. For good or for bad? Making fun of me? The OT also said the ball is for balance and one other thing I'm not remembering right now.
 5/26/7 (being left at the end of blog because it's the pinnacle of this blog). Dear #MtLaurel Attorney(s). I am in receipt of your 30 day threat to pay over $3000 to a credit card that I think was taken over by #Citibank but I can't be sure on the take-over. I have no problem paying my debts; always planned to do so, but I need a job to do so. You should direct your potential lawsuit to either the State of New York who failed my Bachelor of Science degree or The Morris County Surrogate's Court who got away with negligence in the medical care of injured minors; in that case send it Attn: "Christopher Luongo, Deputy Surrogate." His impatience with this matter was quite obvious when he practically hung up on 2 people that were calling him for me and my sister from the Independent Living Center. I have no problem with your threat - I've studied case law way too much to understand you are just doing your job as a lawyer but the phrase "you can't pull blood from a rock" applies here even though in my wildest dreams it was never supposed to apply to me. You can also go after my mother for that money who is floating around free in this country not having to face the real medical and legal realities that were upon her after the death of my father. Based upon my story you can see how she gives immigrants a bad name but - oh actually I forgot there is one other entity you can put your lawsuit to and that is the no-fault insurance who along with the Surrogate's Court and anyone else, knew we were not in the proper medical and legal care that is available in America. That's pretty much all I have to say and I hope you see this because this is all I have to say. In thirty days from now it will be just another day IF I'm still here to talk about it. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork. 

.... This is for another day now! I'm about to put here a conversation I had on religion: