7/10/16 So I'm creating a new post because the below one is getting way too long and hard to upkeep. This date is not being transferred in. I was totally going to take a day off but mom told me when I woke up that airhead (Claire) is coming over today to help her out (holy crap!). That's a new one. The rape of my life is done so that she's coming clean with Claire finally of how much she can't do anymore. Claire has been told by me FOR YEARS when we used to talk how mom is painting a pretty picture for her, how nothing's wrong and all is OK. A total no-brainer in the entire decade+ that me and Claire had a relationship. Claire's specific response to my complaints were that she doesn't want to get involved (fucking stupidity in a child screaming out that their hospital-discharge guardian is not properly taking care of them). So anyway I took a shower first since it was known she is coming over which offset Christine on when she was taking one and without a hearing aid and failing cognition, it didn't register to mom. She went on and on how this is MY fault. So the complaints start and the nagging of how we just can't live in peace because mom has to complain about everything. At a certain point I told mom she better tell Claire the Sheriff takes over my house August 11th and I can pay everything to the Sheriff or it goes up for auction in September. That I will be dead very soon. The stupid bitch starts in about I should have gotten a job to pay the taxes! You know she's probably not that stupid. She probably is punishing me for making her live in reality. I tell her she's had 3 years to know what the answer to that is and 3 years to fix this. At a certain point I (as a matter of fact I think I started out with) the fact she has painted a pretty picture for Claire all these years ruining the lives of "us" (me and Christine). She looks forward and says nothing. Before I said that she did her defensive it's-no-big-deal attitude. THAT attitude may have gotten us through life but it was not appropriate for the medical follow-up of our lives! Why do I even BOTHER??? The weather was pretty severe in Mount Olive recently. Have to wonder if that has anything to do with Steven J. Straub of Norrie and Associates who assisted my mother and Claire with lying in court. Mom is not happy with how long it's taking her to get help. As I told the social worker, mom is going to look elsewhere if ... I'd have to listen to the recording to know exactly what I said but mom is doing exactly what I did 20 years ago until there are no options left. The only difference is Christine has medicaid AND has her money safe. Mom never did anything like that for me. Mom had an obligation to if we were her duty of care upon being discharged from a hospital and upon the death of our father. I'm losing hearing in my left ear, I'm having a very bad situation with my left back tooth. Oh well. As far as I can see I'm out of here soon. And my fall on mom's hardwood floors required a hospital visit. How do I know? Because I'm sitting in a spot I used to sit in before the fall and it's a padded seat and my ass hurts extremely bad. I've sat here enough to know what's normal and what is not. So here is the transfer part of this blog: TRANSFERRED FROM POST JUST ADDED ONTO FROM NOV 29, 2014 ... #hinklefinglesprior #norrieandassociates #accardiandmirda ... #hinklefinglespriorfischer #hinkle ... #norrieandassociates ... 6/21/16 today's blowout started with mom complaining how hard life is and I said "that's why you properly communicate with your children so they can take care of you when you need them" and she said "well you're here and you're not doing anything." AS IF THIS PAST 3 YEARS SHE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD REPEATEDLY. AS IF. DISABLED CHILD NEGLECT IS NOT OK. The only word capable of coming out of my mouth was stupid. How were we left in this lack of proper care???? This woman is not taking - forget it - too much to get out. And mom came home with a heart monitor because her recent ekg indicated something wrong. She forgot to bring it upstairs and is complaining she has to go get it. Still no elevator. ... 6/24/16 FUCKING STUPID WE NEVER BELONGED WITH HAS A CONDITION I SAID WAS GOING TO PASS. STUPID TOLD Aunt Maureen THAT SHE WENT FOR THE XRAY ON HER OWN BCOZ PAIN SO BAD BUT THE UNBEARABLE PAIN IN HER THIGH IS TIED TO HER SPINE SO SHE'S GOING TO A SPINE SPECIALIST. AM ASKED QUESTIONS MOM WAS ONLY DEFENSIVE ABOUT FOLLOWED BY LAUGHTER OVER SOMETHING. IS DEANNE M WILSON VACATIONING IN THE BAHAMAS? OH I FORGOT THE PART MOM TOLD ME TO JUST SHUT UP. ... this is the fucking stress and medical inappropriateness we were left in. Just to be on a band-wagon(?) she goes and has a knee replacement after being evaluated by a new doc at a hospital that only does knee replacements sixteen years ago (the knee replacement factory). Then 3 years ago she finds comfort in the band-wagon again by friends (some of whom have passed away) about how their second knee replacement went). Her back was bad even during the second one that I TOLD her not to do because there's things in the back attached to the knees. Her response? "Well if you know so much go fix yourself." Fucking moron. Fucking STRESS we were left with! For all the people out there saying/coming down on me "but that's your moms!" was Susan Smith or all the other mom murderers out there in the same category that you would say the same? ... 6/26/16 CRUEL HARASSMENT WITH SERIOUS IMPLICATIONS. IT'S A KNOWN THING CHRIS WAITS UNTIL THE LAST MINUTE FOR SIMPLE THINGS LIKE TOILET PAPER. THEY GET HOME FROM A BREAKFAST AND CHRIS TAKES HER CARBATROL SAYING IT'S THE LAST ONE. MOM SAYS "THEN YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO SKIP IT TONIGHT" AND I FREAK OUT. SHE'S GOT TWO HOURS TO GET IT. SKIPPING DOSES CAN BE VERY SERIOUS! ... she's going w one hour left. During that blowout I reminded her of the seizures I had that she witnessed when I missed doses of shit I never belonged on. It happened when my surgery was cancelled the first time due to Potsdam police. The shit's name was? ??? DEPAKOTE. I never belonged on the shit as said and actioned by dr john beamer m.d. who was never called as a witness because all Italian mamas have won in denying me all medical and legal rights. Btw the internet said carbatrol can be missed and just needs to be taken asap. ... 6/28/16 so mom's living in her elder years how I've been living since my 20s - losing track. Mom never set the alarm so was running late for her dr appt so Chris wasn't going to be dressed but after mom left Chris did the overestimating she's been taught so I asked questions to elicit from Chris how easy it was NOT going to be. Sure enough Chris had to get changed back into her nightgown. We now have a bigger mess on our hands and we'll never hear the end of it when mom gets home. I also now understand how mom is still not truthfully answering questions asked by social workers etc. My plans for the day are dampered as mom was going to leave Chris here all alone when mom doesn't keep track that when Chris has the freedom to do so she'll go to the bathroom about every 75 minutes and that's a problem with falling if Chris is left alone. Chris is scared and degraded into NOT using the bathroom freely when out because mom only complains how hard it is for mom to help her these days. Two little children were sent home to this atmosphere long ago. That has major impacts for both. Christine's brain damage is worse from untreated seizures for one. There's just so much more but I just keep repeating myself and no one is doing anything to protect us or at least provide an alternate solution. When I was younger and complained, mom's sisters would tell me to just leave mom as dealing with the reality of my sister's death "would kill her. It would just kill her! (said by Teresa with much emotion)." Fast forward to the inappropriate fat-phobic psychologist who didn't dig any farther when mom said she doesn't feel guilty because she doesn't know what happened. ... I'll have to transcribe how that went down. Recorder went on and you can hear mom's constant rumblings of pain and I tell her it wouldn't be a problem if she took the elevator and she wails in pain struggling up the stairs in saying she doesn't know if she'll make it with the pain in her leg. I go take the bags and she asks if Chris got dressed and I explain we ran into a problem that I didn't know Chris had certain problems and mom denies she does and we go back and forth that christine didn't lie to me. Mom then says Chris doesn't have a problem over something that happened "a100 years ago" and I feel my temper rise as I say "it doesn't matter how long ago but that it DID." I am keenly aware of mom's glossing over and denial. At a certain point mom started her shit about a group home. Just her same harassment that elicits reaction out of me that is used against me. There go my plans for the day. Tackling the cyber harassment will have to wait til tomorrow now. The funny and heartwarming story of the talented black basketball player (it was actually probably the Harlem Globe Trotters who I miss seeing even as an adult) playing a joke on the young white boy with down syndrome is no laughing matter with the subject matter I'm dealing with and I'm all alone. I don't have a team for comfort. ... that happened fast. Mom's 100 years ago was actually last night with evidence RIGHT THERE. I guarantee it's another medical situation that will go unchecked. ... oh yeah and now Claire will learn what I did years ago of getting supplements for mom. I was surprised an Amazon package came here and it turns out the internet-void Claire ordered mom supplements for her leg. Dah! 1. Mom has knee replacements and other health conditions that need to be considered. 2. Mom has spine problems and not knee problems but doesn't listen to me there are things in the legs tied into the back. Before mom had her 1st knee replacement I had her take alfalfa pills for pain but she refused to listen to reason I was nauseous for 2 weeks when I first started them because your body is busy getting rid of all the toxins that have been living there. Mom did try Colostrum and found it was good for her stomach so she took it when I got it for her but that was the end of it. ... 7/1/16 I just remind mom about social security she received for a child. Mama never prepared that child for being handicapped in life; mama had to feed into her own denial of "not handicapped" therefore mama has comforting deniers like Aunt Maureen and god knows who else saying I'm not handicapped and mom continues with her "as everybody says you're not handicapped." And mom continues to get away w this abuse.... 7/1/16 I tanked today. So hurtful what happened w my work for africa. Working around holiday hours is throwing me off too. From here on out for the next few days I'm confined to zero libraries. I feel like getting up and going now but I'm just not up to it at least for a couple hours. There are things I learned in Plus Attorneys & Friends that were counterproductive to my awareness for africa :-((((. ... so the other day the brother of the non-handicapped child I was compared to growing up died. When referring to the non-handicapped child mom degradingly snapped at me that they have 4 children. For this child, being left w this woman was the ultimate child abuse for life. But no hospital will be held accountable or anything else. I'll just stop breathing when I do away w myself and hope I'm right that my old soul is done on this Earth. When Alan silberhartz passed I got a feeling he finally understood something about me I still don't. Some decision was made re: me at some point that made some impact. I forget if it was then or another time this week that something was going back and forth and mom did her infamous "as everybody says" you're not handicapped. I've only spent my entire adult life finding out what's wrong with me just to have deanne m. wilson support what will be taking me out of this life - the abuse noted above. Other common things this week was having to listen to mom in her pains and complaints using the stairs so as she uttered her complaint I said "so take the elevator. Fucking stupid." I guess I'll finish off the last mug of Vodka. Don't know if it will have an effect but if it gets me one step closer to death I'll take it. Claire called after the exterminator to find out about the new bug situation in christine's bathroom and just like all else mom is only satisfied hearing exactly what I said coming from someone else "they're not termites. Termites live in the wood." They are drain bugs. Mom didn't seem to get to the bottom of why and how NOW. We've never had this. So I go through what's changed and the only recent things is we used drayno because my hair caused a clogging and I started using a hair catch that I pull up every use and mom had to emphatically say how wrong I am on both points. The above after "... so ..." written 7/2/16 and still same date and getting back to what I felt with Alan silberhartz' passing is his understanding of the absolute fiasco my life was made into. A vision of decision-making men standing in suits with my life in the balance, a reference can be made to the Alanis song of men in suits and she was only born in 1974. ... so robodick's sister Karen doesn't keep in touch with them. Have to wonder why. I don't even remember Karen at the wedding. The only thing I know about her is she had a date w a cop in 1993(?) and know nothing else. Have to wonder if her being out of touch is her disagreement about her brother's choices / family. I was still beside myself at Claire's wedding over my friend's suicide so it's not surprising I don't remember but ALL THE SIGNS WERE THERE HOW MUCH I NEEDED ATTENTION AND NO ONE DID ANYTHING. ... this stupid bitch just got what she deserved by shoo'ing away the truth that Claire's religion says the man of the household has the say. That punch in the back will turn into 2 black eyes one of these days useless immigrant. ... preparing to let go of this life as no one saves me. It's 4th of July and I can only see it as my last holiday. I've read that the intellectually impaired have most likely lived that way in their past lives. Mom shoo'ed away the notion Claire and robodick are protected by Illuminati Princeton by dr victor paul Weirwille. I just need to read up on all I will look forward to if not saved in this life in 1 month(?) 2 months (?). ... BINGO " When lives are heavily burdened by the negative effects of their past actions, their present experience is often tragic, and occasionally their lives may appear to be wasted senselessly. However, from the soul's perspective a single incarnation is a learning-experience and an opportunity to resolve past actions that are now holding the soul back from a fuller life. One physical life is not the ultimate living experience for the soul. It is an opportunity to resolve the burdens past actions have placed upon our souls and to clear away the many ideas that continue to confuse and limit us. So even though the seventy or eighty years that comprise the average lifetime seem so very singular and final, it is only a temporary sojourn, a brief experience along an infinite path of soul-life.." ... I'm just not finding answers. The talk of the soul is completely different when it comes to the new person and plans of life created by brain injury. My greatest fear in life, to give a clue to a past life, doesn't exist. Not being able to swim has to do with the injury - not with the soul/past life. That's just one example. Brain injury amnesia really makes a difference. I just blurted out to mom the things we never talked about or dealt with. That I can't ask the questions getting at who and what my soul because brain injury is in the way and she should know this before I go. That the remedy was not going into a surrogate's court and lying about it just to get her way. All she did was make the same noise that was the deal-breaker in Claire no longer caring for Chris. Earlier I seemed to have struck a nerve by asking about Karen. I told her it very well is prevalent as Karen could be not keeping in touch as the same reason as me but Weirwille's Princeton protection destroyed lives - not what robodick would point out in the bible as Jesus saying in Luke 12:49-56. So let's see how many brain injury explanations "man was not made to be alone" explained by social petrification common to many brain injured in that area of the brain. "As a boy I thought as a boy. As a man I think as a man." Explained by developmental issues of that age. "Those of god are of sound mind." Explained by the part of the brain injured that handles perception, judgement, emotional response, etc that are forever altered. "You have the gift of choice." Do I? I don't suffer impaired decision-making? Christine is obvious. Since I'm not obvious it doesn't exist? Hmmm what else? When jesus says he will cause division in family, etc is that what's really going on here? No it's Princeton Theological Seminary having NJ courts by the balls and Claire having a NJ POV of life. As mom sits behind me thinking she and Chris can get smart by watching Jeopardy. The name of that movie again? (7/10/16 Rainman is the name of the movie) ... how ironic the times Claire calls. Did she just see the message I put up and has to call mom in a large dose of denial to comfort herself? Mom's hinting at Claire to drive her out to the wake tomorrow but Claire doesn't either get it or is saying to herself "man was not made to be alone" and mom's been alone for over 30 years. ... 7/8/16 I would give anything to free us from this worthless immigrant. If it weren't for medical we would be properly taken care of. Cast the spell of death on this slow southern comfort murderer. ... 7/10/16 I just can't win. I'm out of the house for six or more hours and airhead is still there. I go around the block and about to drive by a house that had the sirens in front of it and there's Ace Ventura! Drugs! That's all that failed MayJane in Butler... I just called mom saying I'm right near the Chinese Food place so I can go get dinner and she's as aloof now about reality as she was earlier. I told her Claire is going to regret this - that the next time she's going to see me is at my wake. Mom did her usual of passing me off as being full of crap. ... my fucking god my phone is about to die. My car charger isn't working. What a fucking day!! ... 7/11/16 oh so this is how it ends. I figured out my L ear problem has to do w my cracked infected left tooth I never took care of. I was thinking it had to do w the earphones I use but nah. I took the cleaning lady's advice of hydrogen peroxide first w a q-tip and then a drop where I could hear the sizzle at work. That's when it hit me. I guess the brain is next if not already. ... 7/13/16 I would have finally been at peace had I not woken up from a dream today. I was driving a brown (?) car down an unusually steep hill (like I've seen exists somewhere in the western US). There were other cars driving too. It turned out the hill was to steep because my car started driving faster and sort of bouncing off the pavement. There was a white car to my right. Looking ahead 2 cars at the bottom of the hill entered the steep roadway from the opening on the right of the mountain. They had their lights on but they didn't yet realize they entered the wrong lane (direction). As I said Wtf and was starting to free fall faster I noticed they must have realized their mistake and were turning around to go back to where they came from to avoid collision. I knew it was my end but knew I wasn't going to die and as the car started free falling faster losing more control by the back twisting to the side I woke up. W the weather threat Chris is not happy being here and before mom left thought she would go because mom is easily manipulated (our inappropriate care) but I stopped the back and forth bullshit by declaring tomorrow is another day if she can't get out today and Chris threw a temper tantrum ending w the learned response "I'm sick of living here" and mom started her new moron response of "then go." I laid into Chris if she were living elsewhere and had the same problem then transportation would be the problem - not living here. ... WOW the universe is talking to me again. I had no idea while I was working Ten hours for africa yesterday that a girl fell 400 feet to her death in the western US but my dreams did. If our minds were communicating across the airwaves the message is she didn't die so there's nothing to fear? I only felt in free fall yesterday from a misstep after letting a community know about my community and feeling a whole lot of hate pointed towards me on the airwaves. It's really exhausting the hate that can arise. Maybe I struck a nerve w more than one person but oh well. People are going to have an informed choice. I know all too well what it's like to be robbed of that. I'm in the fav time of day. My life having been thrown away and now losing my hearing from infection. Is that why lately I've been craving seafood and chocolate? ... so the fucking inadequacy we were left w drops a bowl from the counter that I was eating from and HAS NO FUCKING BROOM FOR HER HARDWOOD FLOORS. That arises out of staying away from those "old-fashioned" things that she was forced to grow up with. Once a vacuum, brooms are to be laughed at. You can bet shit flew here tonight. Stupid has the Harvard inadequate foot doctor tell her today it's not a matter of her spine. Tomorrow I'm planning to have a seafood meal and only have chocolate if I can handle it, and then go to a ten hour day. Don't know if I'll make it ten hrs. Like I told the social worker we have no one to come in and evaluate our lives from a medical perspective. Not only hardwood floors but central air that aggravates arthritis all in the name of mom "being like everyone else." ... Dumbass just complained "this is all too much for me" after I inquired about bringing food home after christine's blood work. I said "you should have thought about that before lying at the surrogate's court ... I mean now I'm losing my hearing from infection ..." her response is " you should have gone to a dentist". SLAP SLAP ... southern comfort Chris doesn't realize: we had to yell repeats to mom several times due to her lack of a hearing aid and Chris got mad with frustration. Mom made a joke out of it and Chris laughed while I know it's no laughing matter. Knowing the history of this house on this day of 7/15/16 I easily envision this is what happens all the time as mom drives Chris all over the place. Chris is happy to go out as that is what mom taught her and Chris is content and happy in the short term as she is unaware the medical updates out there available to her. I pointed out to mom yesterday I would be better off using her rolling luggage for my laptop and she wasn't into it afraid it would not be seen again. I reminded her I'm not going to be around much longer so she has nothing to worry about and I know all about she may not be able to go on her trip. She's had 3 years to fix this and this is what losing one's hearing from infection is all about. No one took care of the profound needs of these children left behind. ... 7/16/16 mom calling Claire for her anniversary is something new. Now she's asking about the guy who threw eggs at our house as we were injured and mourning the death of our loved one. HUGE DENIAL. or acceptance depending on how you view undiagnosed brain injury. Sounds like my nephew moved out. Mom has the type of denial comfort she needs. Dumbass doesn't even answer me about what she's done to her own children. Christopher moved but no idea if in NJ or NY. His 2nd job is life guarding. I asked mom if she ever accepted her kids will never be that because they're motor coordination was taken away from brain injury and so we wound up her disappointments in life. Never good enough w no medical acceptance of her american freaks. Whatever proper care christopher got as a special needs I'm just a loser not because it's my fault but because I didn't have my needs met like christopher. ... 7/17/16 mom starts making an issue about the shows I put on for Chris asking if these are old shows and I say old made new and she rolled her eyes at them(?). I tell her me, Chris, and dad used to watch it every night 7:30 mon-fri and it's still a problem so I zero in saying that's what happens when 2 children are comatose and life becomes a time warp. That I've seen this out in the world w other brain-injured and does she remember The Dukes of Hazard. She says she's heard of it and I tell her my friend in NY comatose for a month a year after me does the same with that show. I tell her that's the abusive bullshit we were sent home to. We had every right w new medical lives to be accepted for what they are. Aloof just sat there. Flashbacks to Steven J. Straub doing a "pffft" as I said mom's aloof. I also had to heartbreakingly remind her The Dukes of Hazard was the whole reason I wanted to be an actress (as an alternate person inside me takes over to accept the unavailability of the guardian I was left with). ... so Claire is coming tomorrow to help w wash and I asked mom if she remembers the times I used to drive down from ny and clean her house and she paid me for it. She doesn't remember and says she doesn't pay Claire. I told her to call Claire back and tell her not to come until I'm gone or I will be violent towards her and mom wouldn't so I went to the phone and Chris helped me w the number and it took 3 or 4 rings before she answered and I said it into the phone and hung up. Claire took about 3 minutes to call back and mom hung up saying she'll call her tomorrow. I then ask mom to verify and mom starts her harassment to me by not answering the question. During the rings back to Claire on speaker phone mom did her shoo'ing away of me instead of waiting. The same impatience that ruined lives. As Claire was saying whatever to mom I yelled the details Claire doesn't know that mom tends to wake me up when she comes in at 11 so if it takes me 4 hours to fall back asleep I need sleep to get thru the day tomorrow "stupid! Something you should know by now about your handicapped children!" Claire calls back again and I could sense mom's wishy-washy mess to Claire so I made it very clear I will be gone by 12. So airhead is coming at 12.And what did mom do with this very poignant situation that just happened? Called aunt maureen to talk for no specific reason - just to talk. That is no different than what she's done through all my teen years calling her friends mary and margaret and Ann, etc and I would be on the other side of the phone not interrupting her speaking. That's the way children act when their parents are on the phone. ... 7/18/16 in hindsight this is Claire not having a real grasp about life in our house because mom still paints a pretty picture and it's not on the forefront of Claire's thinking. This morning a number came up on the phone from "morris county" and I immediately recognized the exchange as the surrogate's court. Mom says she has to go through them now about "this medicaid." THAT'S the type of over-seer-ship we needed to protect our lives. Instead mom has been a loose cannon with misinformation that we would have been institutionalized if she got involved or the truth came out. That's only one facet of mom's thinking. While on the phone after calling her back the other night Claire had the audacity (or complete cluelessness) to say that if I do the laundry she won't come by. DAH! FUCKING DAH! I've given her all she needs to read all this online. She said to mom she doesn't get on Facebook. I said it's not facebook. There's another thing mom did and it will come back to me. ... ... watching 2009 Unstoppable about the runaway train. This is how I'm either unnerved or losing brain power: I can't remember my next thought. I do know I'm dying inside from the heartbreak the surrogate's court failed miserably on. ... 7/20/16 I got all my sleep for a Ten hour day and suddenly I've crashed. Mom probably contributed. It's exhausting to hear her say "there's no disability" when I've just explained to her the things in life not easy for me that are manageable for her and I remind her of the brain injury counselor who taught her this and when I return to the room she is on the phone w one of her sisters to feel better(?). It started over the selling of my house and I said it probably won't sell and she will be burying me. Feeling exhausted. Want comfort. Losing my hearing only adds to the stress. Feeling lost. Feeling it's too late. G+ algorithms are exhausting me too and haven't heard back from any moderators. Exhausted. ... 7/22/16 well going out with a bad feeling helps one go out I guess? :-( and all I really want is some comfort. As I ignore the degradation and move forward....lack of validity this handicapped child was sent home from a hospital to: mom doesn't remember the avon warehouse she used to go to infrequently so therefore it never happened. That is yet another chop away from the child empowered to get through life in a balanced manner only to be left openly vulnerable to psychiatry vultures making money further chipping away at a life. This emotional abuse has been a way of life instead of feeding into memory with confidence declared to the child it never happened. ... and as christine throws a tantrum becoz she's sick of waiting all this time for her last cup of tea and says she's sick of living here mom tells her to go out and find herself a place. Who's the bigger moron? Mom or deanne m. Wilson? ... 7/23/16 watched homesteading in the nevada desert where I was going to die and heart sank as watched older couple allowed to live their dream from their kids and mom just stayed all alone depending on the best from her youngest child but in the end lying about everything in relation to her oldest child because it's just easiest and ... 7/26/16 my hearing is back due to apple cider vinegar. Was going to document some other things I don't remember right now. ... oh I remember after just having a blowout with mom who says " I don't need this" when she won't shut up while I was fixing her phone problem and she states she needs a new phone when she DOES NOT. Claire bought mom the wrong size water bottles - mom has a problem with opening the wrong size. Christine is not able to open any bottles but based on her caretaker Chris does Simon-says and THAT IS THE UNDUE DULY INFLUENCE THAT RUINS(ED) CHRISTINE'S LIFE. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. ... 7/27/16 I just slammed mom's bedroom door and don't know yet if something flew off it. It's in response to the exact ways she used to treat Claire in the disregardful blaming way. Fuck this piece of shit not fit for taking care of medical lives. She forgot what I told her last night so now I'm the problem in her life. Fuck her. We never should have been left here all alone with her. I could take my life today if I wanted to. I have zero left. I was going to sit out for Ten hours today but shopping last night and enough sleep got in the way. Fuck this senior citizen who got away w child abuse in this country. Fuck her. ... I guarantee if airhead has anything other than air in her head she's living the reality of what happens when a will is executed. The only difference is it's a will provided for zero handicapped children. I'm not sticking around to find out what surprises this loose cannon has done and no lawyer will help til after execution rather than cognitive preparation for what is to come. ... 7/29/16 - final countdown is on. These coldfish emotionally abusive irish bitches got another thing coming. ... 8/1/16 declassified files right up my alley. Didn't get to ask mom just to be lied to again but just like I've already said in my blog, Russian girl in Minoa - east Syracuse area exhibits no signs of a stroke while in college at - can't remember name r - Suny Oswego where nuclear reactors are. She was acting more like hyperactive retarded and I just couldn't respond to her as if she were special needs and I distinctly remember she clearly uttered a Russian word under her breath as if breaking character as I sat there unmoved by her. Far cry from Anna Chapman. ... 8/2/16 I originally had what I suspected was a wrong spelling of Kornikova. It's Chapman. ... 8/3/16 aunt Maureen was on the phone and I had to yell across the room what I already told mom that she in no way snores like she used to. When mom started talking about the nursing home problem the last time as if it's a mystery I did what I missed doing all these years and interrupted the phone call saying it's from all the inappropriate friends Christine has. That her friend who lives there told them she's a permanent resident so the confused nurses believed him. I wasn't even there and I know what happened because I know my sister and am familiar with that life. That Chris has inappropriate friends like I told her earlier. Mom starts saying to AM "I know " and I scream she doesn't know a god damn thing about the medical lives of her kids. What was am saying to her? Fucking abuse of the cognitively disabled and guess who's taking the brunt of this deanne m wilson slap in the face? I'm merely a statistic that's all. ... 8/5/16 it's one of those rare times Claire is involved in christine's life and she came out of christine's bathroom saying there is no toilet paper. Mom said for Claire to use tissues and I hear Claire go downstairs. She comes back up with 1 roll of tp (DAH! NOT IN THIS HOUSE!) And mom questions it and then mom says ok as if she is being polite to a non-related friend who is not part of this family and she doesn't have to explain the help she needs to her child. Claire explains that Chris won't be here so she won't need more than one. At some point mom says it's alright that she has one in her own bathroom. I was surprised to hear mom is also going to drop Chris off and there's airhead again when mom asked her if she remembers how to get there and Claire says "not really. What's the address? I'll put it in my GPS." and mom struggles to find the address but Claire doesn't hear her because Claire is downstairs with Chris asking her in her clueless friendly voice if she wants to ride with mom or her. Mom says to herself she will take it with her. When I see Claire backing out of the driveway with Chris it makes total sense why I didn't hear Chris making the self-embarrassing noises she always does when getting in a car. When Claire was up here she also asked "who's eggshells?" and mom didn't explain that I didn't have time as I was late for my ten hour day for Africa and I didn't have time to clean them out of the bowl. I have no idea what body language mom used. As mom was talking over me yesterday, instead of admitting the mistake Chris leaves the shower curtain open AGAIN it stayed with me after showering and as I told mom how pathetic she is I told Chris I'll see her in the next life. Chris has no idea how much she's missing out and today for the first time I hear Claire ask if it could be the no-fault insurance calling back about Chris. Something happened with that social worker hearing my truth. I'll just destructively be told nothing. Something else happened when Claire was here that Claire was saying something to mom that is common knowledge. And too little too late Claire's response indicated she gets how unknowing mom is. That doesn't mean Claire has the skills to apply that knowledge to the mess made for the cognitively disabled left to that care. Claire also when here, (I forget). Oh I remember. It's obvious how much more efficient I am in christine's life because I used a map in finding out how to get where Chris is staying the first time, and have had no problems since. GPS is notorious for getting people lost (flashes of Cristina Mirda of Accardi & Mirda winning her case saying christine has a close bond with both Mom and Claire. I think Mirda also used psychiatry against me. ... lawyer dream in which Jeffrey Lapin was consistent throughout. Other lawyers were around. A female(?) committed a crime against me with an instrument which I think was a gun and I got the instrument in my hand and we waited for my NY lawyer to arrive. During that time the person I held was a guy who used a military tactic of trickery in not cooperating by pretending to take/not take the instrument. By the time my NY lawyer got there we presented having the person arrested which my lawyer declined to say yes to. As I was receiving this slap in the face I kept talking to my NY lawyer as I depended on him. At a certain point in the dream I stated how my NY lawyer is too laid back. The person who was supposed to be arrested then left shaking the hand of or high fiving some of the other lawyers. Jeffrey lapin was sitting near me/us the whole dream. After the trickery I said what they could be found guilty on using military for civilian and I felt laughed at. This dream could have to do with me sending my 4:59 recording of me going ballistic at mom to James Novak this evening. First I sent it to me and the wrong email address without the 5. It started that when I learned Claire wasn't also going with her something didn't sound right because I wouldn't have it in my head if she wasn't. Mom said Claire wasn't going due to unemployment. What a crock of shit. 1. If Claire has to do the call in every week she has her husband do it. 2. There's various other ways around that. But I started recording when I asked "cool cat" why christine was not staying w Claire with mom gone because she's the other guardian. Mom said Claire doesn't have a shower set up for Chris. Then mom started saying contrary to the guardianship that when she's gone christine will probably go to a group home and not Claire's. I think what struck a chord was the fact I lost SO MUCH of my life because mom had to be there for christine keeping her out of social programs and institutions and in the end after I've lost my life anyway this is the shit flying out of her mouth. I think it was during this time I also told her I contacted Hinkle, Fingles, & Prior about her. That she's got another thing coming if she thinks she's just going to sail out of this one. It may have been during a different blowout. The Chinese food I brought home tonight is still on the floor and will remain there until someone else gets it. It flew off her wheels I placed it on after I screamed " don't ignore me" after she stopped answering me and kept her gaze at the tv. What's Claire doing right now? Defending mom saying she did her best? ... 8/11/16 and around 5:30 pm I watch the growing girls across the street leave together - a developmental disruption that was never compensated and I see the two girls ring the bell of the boy next door and the younger a bit more impatient but feistier. And all Claire says is god provides while she goes through the motions of nothing being wrong. Doesn't Claire piece together, not only did her boys have each other during development but that special needs christopher had a parent always available for him growing up? And today my house goes to the Sheriff unless there's something in my unopened mail that says otherwise. And I missed proper stages growing up and I didn't get any response from text messages I sent overseas and I wait. ... and the fucking telemarketing woke me up and I bittersweet think back to when 2 young girls were playing Twister on America's Funniest Home Videos and I ask christine if she remembers playing that (at the Murrays) and Chris says yes and the younger sister farts in the older sis's face and me and Chris laugh because we are still in that phase but I am rejected for all that I am and mom gets away with it and I wait. ... and because of the telemarketers I now face a night of no sleep because I'm out of alcohol. And when I go I'll have so much energy that I will cause heart attacks to many from the other side. Finally Claire will be set free from her undiagnosis. Maybe wilson Straub and Mirda will be my first victims. The energy has to go someplace. ... 8/13/16 and the ineptness of this family really shines through that they would do to me what I do to Claire when there is no correlation whatsoever. I can picture aunt Maureen behind it talking about how rude and explosive I am. Instead of attributing those qualities to a brain injury they act like animals in the wild as when a mother will reject a cub or a pup that is sickly, injured, or otherwise. I said goodbye. I have a loving family I miss in Ireland but they sure are - trying to find the word - I think they feel caught between what they feel for me and what they are being fed by mom, am, and Claire with 3000 miles between us. Even though I got enough sleep that behavior sucked the life out of me today. I told them goodbye. Case law will reveal exactly what statistic I will be. All of these all made a waste by Sally Spinosa who encouraged me to go pro se and deanne m wilson who had fragile fate in her hands. When the very ones loving you are abusive through denying you have a brain injury - it is a common story but in this case stupidity that is beyond repair... 8/16/16 So as family doesn't talk to me I must talk. On 8/10 Aunt Teresa didn't realize she texted me instead of the cousin who just got married. (Fast forward (below) and it could have been the other cousin with same name who AM used to be worried would turn into something of a Charles Manson because he kept to himself - the potentially freak children of immigrants). This is the same cousin who lived here illegally for some time getting money through installing hardwood floors ($10,000/job), went back at will, had some children with his girlfriend, and I reeled into mom recently for the unrealistic life she gave us here while those on the mainland advanced together. Aunt Teresa's text came in at 7:30 am saying "Hi Edward are you OK...will I come and take you to the village teresa" so I am willfully being ignored. For all I know Claire is there but she would have had to get her own ride to the airport because I was there when the taxi guy came and got mom. Waiting to be done. ... 8/17/16 So to finish off the Edward story (which I've done before) he came here with his illegal (redheaded?) girlfriend Fiona and they broke up soon after the episode at our house. Fiona moved to Tennessee and that's the last I know of her. At our house I had come down from my own house some time in 2001(?) to visit the visitors at my mother's house (of my cousin visiting from Ireland?) and Edward and Fiona were there. We got into it about the length of time college took me and I upsetly stated how my mother directed me to go to college. Then mom started her streak down senility lane saying she never told me to go to college. Then Claire (washing dishes in the kitchen) said we were all directed to go to college since we were in kindergarten. Mom not hearing her went to her for comfort and said "see! What?" but then mom was embarrassed when she heard the response and Fiona was either holding back laughter or whatever her response was. She had been joining in with mom asking about me going to college but after Claire came clean and shut everyone up I immediately knew Fiona was going through the discord between the older and younger generation Irish. I know this episode had something to do with them breaking up. Edward's mother is closest to my mother (most likely due to the financial successful lives they went on to have) and I have a feeling mom has Edward's mother in charge of Christine's assets that mom hid overseas. Mom didn't lie in court about that either. Mom even said with Christine's lawyer right there that this is the amount they have put aside for the guardianship at one point and then mom refuted when I said Christine has way more money than what the court-appointed attorney was going on about. Because that is money that simply grew while mine went to inappropriate college, inappropriate living expenses, inappropriate car insurance, etc. Are we happy now? I highly doubt the Edward Teresa is referring to is the American born cousin that was a worry at one point for becoming a murderer or something of that alien nature. Btw, he turned out to be an engineer working for the government.... 8/20/16 So ten days after Teresa sent a text to the wrong person I get a text from her today. History: 8/10/16: "How are things going with my mother Theresa? This is me. Is it obvious by now how much she should not be the sole caretaker of Christine? Btw my Google Plus name is now "MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork" and I still can't get into my facebook account." Response 8/10/16: "Hi Edward are you OK...will I come and take you to the village teresa" Response 8/11/16: "Teresa this is me (name) on Google+ because I still can't get on facebook: http://plus.google....." No Response. 8/13/16: "Everyone's silence doesn't compare to Claire's negligence when I was being evicted from a nursing home. Goodbye." Response 8/20/16: "Hi (name) your mam says is everything ok and did the man call about the elevator ... all OK here. Weather wet and windy. Aunt Teresa" (fast forward to 8/26/16 and I told mom when she got home and she still didn't remember that the elevator wasn't giving a problem after she had to have someone come here 7/4/16 so she never returned the call they made AFTER that). Response 8/20/16: "I already told her they called and she's forgetting. She needs to listen to her old messages. I met a woman from (your husband's county who knows his namesake and lives near where my father's people come from and moved here in the 80s). When she was surprised mam didn't call me I told her we're at war. That I lived in a hospital with Chris as a child and mam says I'm not disabled and that's the child abuse I've gone through. She knows how hard an unseen disability is as due to her own condition. Too bad you texted me by accident 8/10/16 instead of Edward. It verifies the abuse continues." (details withheld from blog). No response. 45 minutes later another message from me to Teresa: "That criminal you call a sister collected money from the federal government for years for me as a "disabled child" until I turned 18 and she told them I was working so, as government will do, they cut me off of social security instead of me doing income reporting or ticket to work program. Over my dead body is that criminal staying the loose denial cannon she's been in America. Nice child abuse." - So we could analyze this and first think Teresa might not have an international texting plan. Ok fair enough but it doesn't explain everything. That just won't take the cake. You see how anything I've said went ignored? I do believe my family overseas that they're so far away and don't know what to do (let alone they don't know all the intricacies of the American way). I can picture some of her sisters over there telling her to do the right thing and mom denying all of it. That I don't know what I'm talking about. That the social security "was just a family thing" and it had nothing to do with me being disabled and them feeling powerless to do anything it just goes by the wayside and I fall through the cracks again. Also notice "Teresa" and "Aunt Teresa." As Akon has pointed out, that is changing one's ways to fit into the American way. When in Ireland we don't add "aunt" or "uncle" to anything but this is how life goes for immigrants to America. ... and like I've said before mom willfully told me what to do. She said stay away from public school slow classes because "those people never go anywhere and from mom is where I got that impression from those who go to VoTech. Well guess what schooling Christopher got? VoTech. Mom also directed me to not bother reporting my income to Social Security - that they'll get that at tax time. In hindsight mom always thought I would have a job to survive when they kept back the money which is on her social security record. I have no legal help to dig into this. There's even more stuff but this is exhausting. 3rd day out on 8/23/16 that mom's supposed to be back and not a word. Even the cleaning lady called to find out because she was supposed to come here yesterday. I can picture mom's sisters taking care of her while - nm. Is mom a jailbird? Simply extended her stay? Anything else? Laying in bed waiting to die. ... drinking Vodka for another round of sleep waiting for The View to come on. I feel better with Whoopi Goldberg. Had dream that was very clear and poignant that involved at least one man. I was too tired when I woke up to record it and forget it by now. Candice turning 40 brings heartache of all the "happy birthdays" I never heard. Flashbacks of Kevin isolating me from my friends because his perception of them is they're gay. He used reverse psychology that they're my friends but he didn't want to be around them so we should go our separate ways on friends night. If only I had the wherewithal then that I have now. In college I embraced people differences so when an issue was made of our Jersey accents I fed right into it. When a guy called Larch who was there with his sister who had gorgeous long blond hair said something he rubbed kevin the wrong way and kevin took a belt and was in the middle of strangling larch being a bully about Lurch saying ANYTHING about his girlfriend. If only I had what I needed in life to walk away from kevin right there and then. It was over the top. I felt more comfortable around people like Larch than guys like Kevin. I so wanted out of that relationship and no father or brother or family for support. They made fun of kevin rather than a healthy support and guidance system. If dad's side of the family wasn't going to be involved we needed to be back in Ireland with true family that changes with the times without acts or disconnected ways. When I met my one and only it was the wrong time. I have no signs anyone's saving me. Today was supposed to be a new View episode. What happened? I'm still alive? Claire's disconnect supersedes me. I'm not having a good feeling. ... mom's been home almost 4 hours now and not a word. If it's the usual Chris will come home tomorrow. I see mom is eating one of Claire's favorites from Ireland - cadbury. Rest assured she brought back some for Claire (at Claire's usual request?). Nice going everyone - particularly the inappropriate psychologist who "likes her." I can see mom being very likable without the medical lives she's been left in charge of inappropriately.... I can only imagine the inappropriate surrogate husband mom's sister's husband had to be for mom. Mom just called him about 9pm their time to thank him for all his help and to say she got back without incident. She thanked him again for all his help. I can only imagine. It highlights how unfair this is on us that we were left here all alone with this woman being all alone. Mom needs a helper. That is obvious. What is not obvious is the coldness bestowed on our very handicapped lives. I don't want to go but I must. I was not taken care of how I needed and Claire is one french frie short of a happy meal in that regard. It's only a matter of when. Now mom has pans or pots out. What is she cooking? The Irish sausage she smuggled into the country? I'm sure with all the help mom was so thankful for it must be extremely obvious how unable mom is but the judges and lawyers are done with their cases and I have 1 leg dangling over the edge because this was never supposed to be the outcome for traumatized children. Mom got away with it being all alone. I bet if we had someone else here (even a lesbian lover if mom is in a closet) mom would have more of an even way and we would not be screwed. The toaster popped so mom might be having toasted bread or waffles I bought. I think I smell blueberry waffles. Maybe she was just moving the pan. I feel like I'm laying on the top of the board again in the atlantic barely able to sing the words from the cold but don't think I'll be saved. Mom just left someone a message quietly. I can only guess it was Claire. The only place that would have left a message today would have been the orthepedic place. Based on the life mom comes from, that's the only medical care we need. ... I saw a huge transaction receipt mom made in a cashier's check but that's not surprising to me. I know mom has dad's money and from how she acts his disabled children have no protection. At least I know what other banks she's using and just to think I'm being labeled falsely. ... change of plans for the night. Instead of rushing to get my stash for sleep I had my last mug of Vodka. Mom was to. You know this woman isn't even worth mentioning. I only have to do the final act so Claire can liken me to the evil spirits cast out of the man and into the pigs who jumped over the cliff committing suicide. Mom's family were probably horrified any of mom's children let her travel alone like that. That's how the older generation irish are. No matter how abusive or pathetic they've been they always will bend to the abusers when they are old and crippled. I swear things are going to get physically ugly in this house. ... so if anything. Aunt. I don't have the energy for what's been done to us. This loose cannon had the surrogate court available to me the whole time my life was falling apart but kept me in the dark. I could actually eat something and eventually go to wifi. In ny it's much easier to get alcohol. ...couldn't do it. Got something to eat but too tired. And don't like the idea of going into a noisy bar. Something bizarre happened w Defina J on G+. I was saying thank god Jill is there as an option but autocorrect put "hill" and now I can't get back to the post. Don't matter coz all I want is to be done with this failed life. ... and the violence is mounting as I have to prepare for tomorrow. I would have . Lots of violence. Lots. I always thought I'd be killing mom but it's actually Claire. When I worked for the energy company I looked up Claire's acct and she always pays her propane on time. ... 8/24/16 I was all ready to jump and will probably take another life with me when I got satisfaction from hearing the insurance is not paying for christine. Time for mom to walk down memory lane with what she taught me. To just send in the bills to the insurance without dealing with the caseworker. Once you deal w the caseworker it has to be approved/unapproved. If you just send the payment in for reimbursement it gets paid. The insurance is saying christine's stay is unnecessary and they're right. I can watch Chris. Just add me to the guardianship. Uncle Eddie from belle Harbor is an uncle through marriage but his desertion of us after led me down this path. I needed an american family helping me in America. Not this disconnect. He deserted us after my father died. His wife, my father's sister, died before my dad so with no further ties he even declined to give away his god-daughter, Claire, at her wedding. Maybe he disagreed with Claire's path. Claire wound up having my godfather give her away. ... I wish I brought the recorder w me to the door when I just had a conversation with some jehovah's witnesses. It's too much to spit out right now but I have witnesses to mom saying I don't have brain damage and I'm lying. ... 8/25/16 number of days til I wind up like Phoebe Prince. Her family was just as dumb as this one in accepting a low settlement. An absent-mindedness of justice in America. My violence, notice, is less than yesterday as the time pressure was taken away. They cancelled picking Chris up. That means I could breath. The violence is here non-the-less. I just don't picture it happening today. When you consider the absolute medical aloofness left in charge of these lives damn right Claire's sweet-sounding head gets held under the water of the sink or tub she's cleaning. I forgot about the toilet. The adrenaline goes into overload and her head gets smashed against any number of hard objects. I don't know about phoebe but my present day bullies are the ones I was released from a hospital to. Claire is now having to foot part of the nursing home bill. All of this unnecessary without me involved in christine's care. Mom told me to hang myself before phoebe prince hung herself. That's why mom "can't remember" saying that to me. http://www.socialmediadeadbeats.com/alwaysremember.asp?name=phoebe I question the accuracy of some of these details like being in the stairwell, etc but mom moved in an area like her when she was two. Teens here had no idea that in Ireland there is sometimes NOTHING to do so they are having sex. In 1982(?) when I first went it was like little house on the prairie where girls wore skirts and dresses all the time. 3(?) years later that was all changed but still the same that all to do for teens was sit in a room of the local bar and smoke fags (cigarettes) and play the slot machine for money to play the Asteroids game machine. I don't remember if they also had pinball but I found the card gambling machines quite boring. I don't remember much about the last time I was back other than how rude I was to the friend I brought with me because she had some nerve having something to say about ALL my family members AND she dated my sappy cousin telling me she would only enjoy it while in Ireland and not keep in touch after she left! She loved kids just like my cousin's mother but I was so rude to her even when she by accident hit my baby cousin Dionyshia's head on the hanging chandelier. Lesson learned - if you're excited to travel out of America for the first time don't bite the hands that feed you. ... and I've had my first drink not waiting til after Claire leaves. Very rarely would I get out of control or enraged when drunk. I simply go to sleep. But the alcohol will make me pee. Recorder will be set. Flashes of Claire refusing to talk of reality with this more severely developmentally disabled child needed to talk about in understanding what I'm perceptually impaired about. Mom's here. Claire is doing the picking up. My sappy cousin who only wanted sex with a relationship wound up getting paid sex in holland. That was after his girlfriend got pregnant with his son and they broke up (if I remember right). Oh yes and mom went to a fortune-teller before his son was born which means the time period was me at 17 or 18. She pulled the same cold shit, you're-a-piece-of-shit-garbage stress that I was going to wind up pregnant with ex's baby. When I threw it in her face some time later she acted like "oh well that was michael's baby." It's hard to convey the damage this woman has done but it ties into the absolute bullshit the children of immigrants have to go through while those on the mainland change with the times ... still waiting for Claire. ... so as I just read the above to mom she made all her noises throughout as I got to the fortune-teller teller part things exploded of how much of a Liar I am although she didn't use the word Liar. This loose cannon will be a piece of shit when having to own up to her own deeds. And on-queue she. - I forget. THAT'S HOW WILSON MADE A BAD SITUATION WORSE. SHE ASKED WITNESSED AND ADMONISHED MOM BUT INSTEAD OF TAKING THE NEXT STEP THE REST IS HISTORY IN THIS BLOG. I remember - on queue when I read about mom telling me to go hang myself she starts shaking her head in denial and as I read the part that she would deny it I remind her what happened first. So now mom is not answering medicare questions over the phone but is still not reporting the scam. So back to phoebe prince, her saying she didn't know the girls were dating the men she slept with is the old irish denial I know to be that was so completely inappropriate in our medical lives. When Claire was last here mom-christine agitation was going on and Claire said "hold on..." which is exactly what I do but Claire only bandaid's the problem. I bet Claire is going thru an insurance circus right now. Learning finally. All this could have been avoided with me involved in christine's life but leave it to deanne m wilson, Cristina Mirda, and Steven J. Straub. Ok here at 2:50. Bringing elevator down so Claire can put wheels and send Chris up. Recording ... so it is verified the family Claire refused to take in being evicted from a nursing home is replaced by all the other people Claire takes in. There is someone named Verne staying with them who knows ocular and told Claire her nighttime driving problems could be fixed with glasses that probably need a prescription but Claire who is down to 1 car right now wants to try nighttime glasses she saw at bed bath and beyond first. Claire's undiagnosed brain injury sensitive to light. Mom and Claire whispered about money and I know that is because of my presence. Why? Mom's paranoia about her american freak children. She used to whisper about money with me. Am's oldest child turned out to not be the Mass murderer freak just because he's quiet. That was the edward referred to - he was there. Mom and Claire also started whispering about the house she owns in Ireland that she used to have up for sale and did all updating to it and it still wouldn't sell so she took it off the market. I don't know why she had to whisper the tenant has cancer. Without me Chris missed out on therapy in the nursing home. That never would have happened with me. This time when Claire was here she (for the first time since Claire was court ordered out of the house) started going on with pain and Claire could be heard saying calmly and quietly "What's the matter mom." I take it Claire either denies or disconnects for those being left in this environment it really does make a difference. During this visit mom's hearing being a problem for others really showed. I've never witnessed Claire having to repeat herself like she did and Christine was all up to telling mom about a movie she saw at the Nursing home. She said "Mom I saw a movie called Boss." Mom said "Oh Cross?" Chris said "NO Boss." Mom said "Oh Frogs." Christine said "NO BOSS!!" Mom said "oh!" and then there was silence and Christine's enthusiasm was dampered and Chris didn't say anything else. Christine's headed down a life of unfamiliarity the way things are. Claire doesn't see the - I forget. ... copy of recording sent to James Novak email w the 5 about Claire's harboring people in her home but not family being evicted from a nursing home. ... there was a day Claire said something to me that I assume people learn in la mas classes that she didn't have an open conversation with me about but sounded like she assumed I got what she meant and has to do with "Steven being walked in on." Claire has some REAL problems integrating family if denial of accepting me from a nursing home eviction had any delusions of her boys growing up. Claire has never been to any of my living situations including visiting me during the 8 month stay in a nursing home. She never gave me any reason why she wasn't taking me in. She only said "No. Stay with mom." I can't convey based on the wealth of knowledge Claire has how much of a moron move that was. I actually feel more peaceful about this remembering Phoebe Prince.... 8/26/16 and as I read the above to mom her referring to it as shit just got more intense and as usual throughout life post-injury mom declared people are saying I'm crazy. On one blowout I recorded it for 3:11 mins and texted it to Novak at 4 pm. In one of the blowouts I told her about the irish immigrant injured in an accident in Chicago and he received MILLIONS. That Irish immigrants do get justice in this country. and during one blow out I say to mom "and I'm going to die because of THIS???" and no response as usual. Today's blowout started over the peace in the house that was suddenly disrupted by mom's pain noises coming up the stairs and I didn't hold back saying in response "shut the fuck up!" and she said if I don't like it then leave (AS IF SHE HASN'T HAD 30 YEARS TO SAY THAT - it's only the senior and disabled groups that she FINALLY got involved with telling her that while they don't have the whole story from mom that there's more than just Christine developmentally disabled in this house). (Today mom also did her backtracking to cover her tracks that when coming to visit me she never stayed in my homes or ate at my places due to not being able to get in my apartments / house. WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT. She was able-bodied in those days). ...Yesterday, after mom blew me off as a jerk saying Aunt Teresa only received crap from me (in the form of question marks in a text message) I had to call Aunt Teresa 10pm her time. Mom wouldn't answer the question as to how late Teresa stays up. After reading all my texts sent to Teresa to mom, I hit mom's speaker phone, called Aunt Teresa's cell phone and had to leave a voice mail saying "Teresa this is (me). I just found out you only received question marks from me. That's probably because I have an Android phone and you have a regular cell phone. I sent very important text messages to you, Louie, and Michael. I can email you those text messages but I don't know (if you have an email address)/what your email address is. OK. Bye."... well I gave it a stab around 2:30pm today. I already know an immigration lawyer won't be able to help me but it was an IRISH lawyer and I'm guessing around my generation or so. Mom has just been all by herself and doesn't have legal perspective of her injured children. When she got to this country she learned to only laugh at lawyers and has stayed stuck in that time capsule partially as her comfort. When mom was talking about meals on wheels yesterday I was surprised she was surprised I've had meals on wheels. It was during the time I was home-bound after the nursing home and we spoke everyday. She knew then. ... and at 5:35 pm Chris turned off the TV and I said "silence. Thank you Chris." and she acknowledged and soon after I "burp" and Chris laughs and starts to say "anything else?" and I say "something to cut through the silence" and Chris laughs some more and I burp again soon after and Chris laughs again. And mom is on the phone returning the phone call of her friend and mom is saying how glad she went on her trip. The friend who was probably here illegally that worked at the drug store up the street that is now demolished and made into a different store, has a sister named Katrina that mom met up with the two of them when over there for dinner. ... and last night some time after I commented on the Phoebe Prince documentary on youtube a grasshopper sat itself on my passenger window as it was half-way open which I only noticed after I drove away because there was something in the side of my eye and being frightened I put up the window and it was out of sight. When I got near mom's house I stopped under a street light to see if it was still there and it was so I had to let the window down a bit and try to make it go away. It slid down my window still staying there so I had to use the piece of grass I grabbed to take it off my car. Anyone who knows a Potsdam freakshow knows what this is. I don't even know all about the freakshow. Just left to be traumatized not knowing what happened to me. I have been dealt with in a wrong manner is an understatement. At least post-injury there have been things on the TV and radio that made me feel better so life went on. After shit happening to me out in the world, I came to realize at a certain point SOMETHING is not right. That the root of the problem is not being taken care of. Quite possibly that's what happened when I was possibly "discovered" after my time in front of the White House. With no one telling me anything my perceptions were already off and no one told them I didn't have cable to know what was going on (if I was even able to make sense of the abstract). Then on 9/14/01 someone supposedly cast a spell on me. 15 years later David Muir reports that shipwrecked on an island the S.O.S. was spotted in the sand to save them. I'm removed to know if that relates to me so I'm dying as scheduled as far as I know. My injury specifically entails the "abstract reasoning" part of the brain. It's only drugs I can attest to that have left this life to die. Whatever immigration protection exists, it obviously doesn't necessarily apply to offspring. Whatever evil is in the immigration process it left this loose cannon to not take care of me from a medical standpoint. ... 8/27/16 If this weren't such an issue, me saying "mom's a piece of work" could be viewed in a comical light. She just spoke to Teresa and it's possible Teresa hasn't listened to my voice mail yet because Aunt Maureen is still there. Any other time mom would be happy for the communication of me to anyone in Ireland but mom has come to the conclusion that I'm just her brat child not worthy (to be nice - if you think of how cold the situation was of Philomena, that is nice). She coldly snaps the question to Aunt Teresa speaking as if she doesn't know what a voice mail is and Aunt Teresa says she hasn't listened so I have no idea when Teresa will know.... and mom asked me if I wanted a Cadbury bar and I asked if it was fruit and nut because that's my favorite and mom said she has a fruit and nut for herself and I said "because that's your favorite too. Claire doesn't like fruit and nut." and mom said she brought back milk chocolate Cadbury for TJ and I said "NO it's always been Claire's favorite. Maybe TJ likes what his mother likes but that's Claire. And then you go into court and lie saying I'm disconnected from this house and don't know my family." And mom reaches out for some kind of defense and I say to give it up but she just continues until eventually gives up. As memories come back to my long-term memory, today in the blowout (did I even get through to mom?) that I learned how to drive long distances and I learned how to live in a pig stye. THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M LIVING A LIFE APPROPRIATE FOR ME (I remember Claire a long time ago giving mom the peace about me that cleaning is just not my thing. FUCKING STUPID. (That reminds me when the cleaning lady was here recently she was listening to The Beach Boys and I said "Oh that was Stephanie's favorite." And mom agreed but didn't make an issue of it (or I didn't make an issue of how much I DO INDEED KNOW MY FAMILY) because someone from outside the home was present. ... Woke up around 2pm. That same steepness was in my dream. This time it was a staircase of the business complex newly built in my town. Business people were milling around both floors and when a woman with heels tried to get up the stair case she kept trying to get proper footing and couldn't. At that point they weren't stairs. She was trying to make steps out of the mud she was trying to get footing in. I THINK someone eventually gave her the option of the elevator that was under lock and key. As I contemplated how difficult and scary it would be to go up the stairs I asked for the key for the elevator and they wouldn't give it to me so I tried the steepness and I got up ok. I still don't think there were stairs on there but just like when I was in free fall in a car, I was more concerned with the ones at the bottom getting out of my way than I was about dying it was the same here that it was not a problem going up. After getting up, I really don't know why the steepness was a problem. It really wasn't the horror I thought it would be. The muddiness wasn't there for me as the woman with heels. I think there was a worry of how I was going to get back down but dream ended. There was a lot of glass in the dream like glass see-thru floors. In waking life there was a blockade like when they wouldn't give me the key to the elevator - - trying to remember - - someone just flat out said no - - it's the attitudes (new?) that I notice around here. - - still can't remember. Anyway mom's being the usual inappropriate ass children with medical problems don't need. Claire just called around 3pm about coming to do things around the house and when I ask when Claire is coming she knows what I mean and pulls an attitude and I start yelling how I need to know these things instead of being violent. I simply need to not be here than be violent. That is a good enough answer for mom. That is the regular exhaustion I have to go through with this woman. Yesterday(?) - actually I think it was this morning as the situation started about the Cadbury and she felt empowered telling me I have to go because she's going to senior living which is not empowerment; it's abuse of a wrongly dealt handicapped child - as she disregarded my needs I went ballistic and she indicated talking like that is a problem and I couldn't spit out the words "that's what happens as my life is being raped" so my response was long-winded and not concise. I don't even remember what I said in response to this recklessness. 8/27/16 and there go my plans for the night as I nose dive down the hole of neglect that left me in the position I am. NEVER IMAGINED THIS WOULD NOT COME FULL CIRCLE WITH THESE UNEDUCATED IRISH WOMEN. The last time I thought about abstract reasoning it was before ever looking it up on the internet. It was a time of college degree focus. NOW it makes sense how making money off the internet doesn't connect with me. It's not concrete. Although I've said that for years and people passed me off as lazy and making excuses it explains the context of my medical life. Flashes of abuse by aunt Maureen I don't have a brain injury. CRASH. Reckless abandon of a special needs child. ... sobbing as I watch the bee gees on observe bringing me back to that exact time period. ... 8/28/16 and it's bittersweet that . I don't remember. Anyway I'm out of the house tomorrow because Claire will be here supposedly and actually that's what I forgot : bittersweet these children sent home to this guardian live under the same shadow she's done all this time: guiding and caring for these children based on guesses until she's backed into a dead end and only "has to do" something else" and our fate is left to that. Something clueless Claire is obliviously saying "she did her best" but a social worker is red-flagging. And I drink... and Claire will see the tomato she brought here from convent station is still sitting here and Claire wasted her time and her money. Mom likes tomatoes - something Claire only recently found out. ... 8/29/16 so THAT'S. why Claire is coming back tomorrow. Clueless is learning about red tape with Chris while I already know all about it. Mom and her story Claire was here doing laundry all the time. Nice try! Chris preparing to wash something at the sink made mom ask a million questions so that when I saw Chris washing like she used to 18 years ago and asked her about it she was very agitated at answering me. Enter Claire. I did not call or visit Chris at the nursing home but Claire did. As I've written before Claire doesn't sit with her on christine's level and do a puzzle but rather "talks". Is this what Claire talked to her about last time? ... 8/30/16 and there goes mom in her reckless medical life without a life jacket. Aunt Maureen is complaining to her about all these procedures and doctors she's talking about and mom just throws up defense after defense that mom has thought it out enough. These were handicapped children left with this woman. Have you noticed the Steven commercial off TV? How ironic. Kevin's son would be sixteen this year. Helen Rose would be around twelve(?). Less than ten days away from death. Jaw is in excruciating pain from whatever damage I did to it during sleep. ... 9/1/16 conversation started by mom asking if there's a mint scented garbage bags. Actually it started with the usual mincing of sentences and I had to stop her to clarify and christine made a noise to signify I was being rude but Chris doesn't understand that my life is destroyed by things like that. So anyway mom's clarification indicates to me she had a conversation with Claire omitting what those who live here know all about thus keeping up the pretty picture lie. This brought into the conversation a neighbor who had one of those moments of (me and this harassing bitch just had it out about money. I was not prepared for Claire to come here all these days at the end of the month. HARASSMENT so was driven to stop the harassment and I took the sleeping medication money I need. I offered to her there could be a blood bath here tomorrow instead and mom said there won't be because Claire will call the police. AS IF BRAIN INJURED BELONG IN JAIL! ESPECIALLY THE UNDIAGNOSED ONES - no wait that doesn't make sense - it's the diagnosed ones that can sue for recklessness - I think. So I say "oh our guardian doesn't know what to do and undiagnosed Claire does??? Way more shit went down. I'll get into it later but christine's brain injury reaction broke the elevator. I think my reaction broke it last time but there is no acceptance of my disability). Someone needs to protect me from this. ... so Claire's brain injury reactive symptoms that climaxed briefly in the driveway before crashing her car drunk into a telephone pole (by jumping on mom's back and mom's glasses flew off her face) have been willfully suppressed and exist their existence in the form of sarcasm and an unbalanced emotional existence. Dr victor paul Weirwille has taught emotions are just of the devil anyway but more on that later. So what preceeded today's harassment was updating mom about the neighbor who had one of those experiences he couldn't place my face away from the usual brief greeting in the driveway and I told mom we talked it out and I have no idea if he has a brain injury or not but that's a brain damage symptom I have out in the world that her and Claire are saying doesn't exist. I said to her "And I'm going to go out in the business world and not recognize people. Really????" That actually could have set the tone for what was to come. So after I told her I took the money I needed for sleep then she started in with what she pulled in court about me stealing money. She was just waiting for the glorious day for that to happen to use it against me. How peaceful I have what I need and there is silence instead of harassment. ... and I see that even though Chris had a chance to have a medical situation addressed over a 2 week period at a medical facility that according to mom happened 1ce "a hundred years ago" that it's still happening. But that's mom who doesn't answer medical questions honestly. ... 9/2/16 and mom is on the phone saying she needs to get help in here. Again I'm right here. ... a gofundme acct for over 2 years and nothing???? Who's doing this to me??? Catherine fallon who has connections in San Diego??? A sweat lodge wannabe type in St lawrence or Lewis counties???? A black witch???? Investigate all as I prepare for my last breath. I forgot to mention john Alan kaplan as another possibility. Finding peace in dying. When I walked into the police department 9/14/01 to file a report he said hi in a revealing way to me but what was he revealing? (A tone of "forget the friendliness" and more). As my syracuse native laundry friend said, there's some very dark energy in that area. I had a life. I had a life. I had a life before 9/14/01. I was. Who did this to me??? ... and I guess it's narcissism when mom is disconnected from her ability to sleep insisting her children who can't sleep from brain injury make her environment sleep-inducive by turning off the tv. As if! Just like I knew she's sleeping like a log while her brain-damaged child drinks themselves to sleep and Claire deserves a blood bath along w many others. ... and the evil spirit is at work. The one of harassment and torture that plagues sleep. The very dark existence out of St lawrence (?) as I cannot stay asleep and drink myself asleep for the 3rd time. When I return to spirit soon will I be tortured on the other side by something I don't know on this side or will this child's spirit finally be set free? I never had a belief lies and gossip could ruin a person's life but that is what happened and something very dark is left roaming near the canadian border. ... 9/3/16 to be explained nonmobile: how a brain-damaged child has a new stress of task completion and right up to today the stress is only compounded by the guardian who can't stop fucking freaking out. That is stress Claire was court-ordered out of while me and Chris had no escape. Today's stress was trying to complete a task and while backing up the reversible wheels of the chair hit into christine's crutch and the lifelong mom's response of seeing something coming of "JESUS!"( - just as an 8 y.o. child (me) sitting at the kitchen table and the napkin holder fell on its side and mom jumps up and screams "WHAT'S THAT?!") I freaked out first to let her know that's how she ruined lives. (Christine starts screaming at me to shut up which I assume is Christine's learned response from her shop because whenever any two people start fighting at work they get separated). And no one is saving the lives of these children. This woman's overt reactions is not only a learned response that I paid a hefty price for out in the world but an eventual spirit destroyer especially when everything else has gone totally wrong including the final situation of the Surrogate's Court I was never told could provide for me after 18 FAILED ALL OF US. This is why it's so hard letting go of life because this is not my fault. We were traumatized children in a strange place called a hospital sent to more trauma at home and no intervention over the years to stop a loose cannon situation. In other words this is not my fault. Would I have reactions like that without this atmosphere? Most likely but when craziness begets craziness it's only that worse. I've seen my brain injured friend out in the world live in a home where there is not this craziness that when something falls all hell breaks loose. I've also come to understand how a special needs female needs a father (or someone) to step in and stop a relationship she doesn't want. ... 9/4/16 six days to leave this life http://www.co.st-lawrence.ny.us/Departments/RealProperty/AuctionBook The darkness in St lawrence co will win and my native american laundry friend is right because her mother's life was snuffed out there but I'm still a child and can only hope my bracelet will keep me safe to enter the afterlife. I will see dad and stephanie and relatives first. I then might reign terror upon the oil and gas people including dick cheyney. Returning to love I don't know if reigning terror happens? I have every intention. Tom Natel, George Pataki, Sandra and David Gould, Deanne M Wilson. Oh and in case they're divorced sandra's maiden name will come back to me; the entire village of potsdam but eternity will better direct me when I gain full understanding and have been returned whole from the 1/4 or less human I've been made into from brain injury. Sandra's maiden name starts with her middle initial C. Catherine F. Kaplan followed suit. Still a child. ... 9/5/16 And my mind is plagued. It came back to me that when mom recently started talking about my money problems and I shouldn't be paying storage rent dismissing it as junk, I could hear Claire's influence. That is deadly, Illuminati, Princeton University, Dr. Victor Paul Weirewille influence. ... 9/6/16 as Tracy Morgan was supposed to be on the view and mom was sitting right there I said for her to watch it so she could learn something about me and mom cluelessly asked me about my house and I freaked out how removed she is. So w 4 days left (less than 3. The Labor day holiday threw me off) mom springs into action and learns the runaround. Airhead calls and probably senses something wrong and mom doesn't mention a word about me until I start yelling in the background. Claire actually does something (HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU SERIOUS?) and puts some phone calls out. THE MISSING LINK IS CLAIRE WILL NOT REPRESENT ME FROM THE STANDPOINT I'M DISABLED. Mom refused to watch Tracy Morgan citing all else she had to do. That's nothing new in all the needs this disabled child missed out on. ... DRUGS well at least a little over 3 days left Claire knows where to go get lies about my life: potsdam. Well at least with a bunch of people. The Adirondacks can many times tell tall stories - mostly the women. ... no call back to mom from Claire tonight. 3 days away and she finally gets it?! (less than 2 days away - the holiday of labor day threw me off). I've left my blog address w her before and all she said is she doesn't go on facebook. It's not facebook but since mom is the gatekeeper all recklessness is possible. Tick tock tick tock ... 9/7/16 so I have to wonder if Claire has her life flashing before her eyes like I did when all I received in the mail was something from the Surrogate's court telling me what would happen with Christine. Claire receives info my house is going up for auction Saturday (DAH! IS HER BRAIN DAMAGED AND BRAIN WASHED SELF PAYING ATTENTION YET? If she's done any RESEARCH on the internet yet about things available for a brain damaged 6 year old and has a fucking clue what I've been trying to point out to her for 3 years - whatever not now). ... so it's obvious to me Lori Fernandez is a relative of our old insurance contact Sharon Fernandez. The woman mom told off many times and helped our lives go down this path. Then after my 1992 surgery I told her off and she was kind of speechless and surprised and retired. My mother had kind of a laugh about her as she confirmed with the rehab nurse case manager at the time, Michael Flemming, a man - just the way mom wanted it. I think mom's thoughts were that it's easier to pull the wool over a man's eyes than a woman's. There's a better way of wording that. Does Claire even know all this??? Probably not. That's how disconnected Claire is which is exactly ALSO how mom wants it. Anyone able to piece all this together has 2 days and less. ... fucking irked! young people indiscriminately taking pictures of people without asking! Yes I'm guilty ONCE as I saw a horse owner traveler taking the horse for a walk (in Cheyenne, WY) same as if traveling with a dog. I had never seen that before. A teen(?) couple just here eating and I saw from the corner of my eye, the boy who had his back to me leaned to the right and I looked up and the female was holding the phone out. I only saw that the top of the phone was pointing my way and I have no idea if these phones have changed to have a camera along the top edge or if she took a pic quickly and that's the only thing I saw. I looked right at her and we caught eye contact and she didn't look back which tells me she's guilty. My fucking god what's the new rules for this stuff???? A pic compared to eternity? Whatever. So back to Claire; she would be shitting bricks because all this time she's been putting me down of how I'm taken care of in life (uplifting her own religion that god provides yet the whole time she has some very important relevant missing information. She's so brain damaged and brain washed she can't see the light of day. Shitting bricks because it's all too clear too late by a woman who keeps it that way - mom. If Claire even gives this a second thought. smh.... 9/9/16 I may still have stuff from yesterday. I have to transfer some stuff here: 9/7/16 much put directly on blog. Perfect! I get to die in peace. Claire has to go to GA coz they're picking up his deceased father's car. And I just verified the illusions that make up this life. It turns out I did NOT press save but had all kinds of comforting thoughts. I asked mom about "the reading of the will" and mom said it's just going to her "like it should." WHO'S THE GOLD DIGGER HERE? Mom brought me up to not "go backwards" and my man should have money. She said a reading of a will is only for millionaires and I questioned about leaving things for children and I don't remember the response but I said how when the uncle of a handicapped advocate died the uncle left a lot to him and mom said "well maybe because he had nothing the uncle left all to him." I just keep trying to make sense of this. My father's aunt who died in a NYC wave breaker couldn't be found in a death record. The researcher told me many back then couldn't afford an obituary. Even if I'm the return of Mary Kate's spirit it makes no sense I'm in a family that can afford things yet no proper records of me will be kept. Everyone's too oblivious. No one's going to cherish my stuff enough to investigate me? ... feel much anxiety at times so I look things up to feel at peace with my "decision." Life rape was never supposed to happen. If I'm in that much pain it should be ok? Mom never told Claire about the county attorney because mom doesn't understand. Life rape was never supposed to happen to me. ... 9/8/16 I have nothing for 9/8/16 but I found it ironic there's something on Google+ called The Church of the Way International and they are definitely not open about their beliefs. As I look at their website http://www.theway.org/topic.php?page=contact&lang=en I have the memory that Claire left mom in pain the first time by going to "The Rock in OH." THERE'S A LOT OF BAD IN OHIO. I'm left with the memory of mom crying on the phone "how could you do this to me?" as Claire then left to go complete her mission in Oregon. Mom's going to be crying again. Mom's going to be crying again. I'm up against a wall. No one is listening and taking care of this. ... I reword that. There are people listening and maybe there are many with hands tied. It's kind of like ... just not worth at this point.... as much as I've been living under precious illusions I need to stop the madness. I truly have been living under illusions of self comfort. And as the brain injury related racing thoughts kick into place I say I must go but not sure when. Moments of peace and moments of chaos.... so it's almost time to go. Illusions talked through that the Native Americans have the Federal Government over-riding the judge. I have none of that in all I know. If I do I'm out of time. I can no longer fight for myself and no one is intervening for all I know. I guess it won't be the first time lack of information has killed someone. For real the lack of knowledge about air, land, and water pollution has killed before. It's almost time to go. ... oh perfect the unexpected. The person from Ireland I met recently I met again tonight. I just need to do what I need to do. I handed her info for mom because not only is mom going to need an outside spring board to understand all this but mom will be able to put into better perspective that I'm not lying about brain injury. She reminded me of the old saying it's only mortar and bricks but I have nothing less. It's time for me to go now. As I was saying the federal govt stepped in over the judge for the native americans but I don't have that. Me stick around for the hope something is going to change at this point? I never got to give her this blog info or me online. ... This was supposed to be THE END of this blog because I was not supposed to still be here. 9/9/16 9:30 pm and I'm still here. The precious illusions that mom has met up with the irish woman etc. Illusion that maybe mom got a room for the night to not be here. ... mom's home 9:46 pm. I mute the tv because I want silence like Chris many times wants. My name isn't called. ... 9/10/16 still here w a potsdam freak show happening. Laying in bed all night and day as my life is raped yet again. Reading http://www.tuscaroras.com/graydeer/pages/Toxicturtle1.htm - a marked point in time that if things weren't so hush-hush and I wasn't hated I could have known and done something about this. Initially I wasn't hated. My misperception in social situations brought it on (somewhat). Instead they kind of bit the hand that fed them. They didn't understand that john kaplan isn't all that and needed the right woman to bring out the best in him. Instead john was placed under the enemy category and I got caught in the crossfire of those labeling values. ... I'm sitting here with all I need after 10 pm. I even took a step to start the process. It seems that easy to jump. I have to believe no one is going to save me. Standing Rock raised a lot of money on gofundme and they deserve it. I have zero and so death is the only option. Flashes growing up of telling mom what the mediator told me at 15 about stress and all mom would do was laugh. Of course it solicited a rage response that was used against me instead of taken care of in a brain injury context. It's that easy to let go. Yeah right. Incubus acts up even now when I started typing. No one saved me from this spell for 15 years. ... 9/11/16 the way things have gone the weather stays crappy as long as things are going my way. Perhaps if I pull out of life now obama or the one after him will backtrack on standing rock sioux. Playing this minute by minute and have all I need. Hearing mom's constant going on as she leaves the house exhausting medically needy children with stress. As I am beside myself. Checking weather. ... weather not going my way. Remember when clouds hung over Syracuse for a month in 2006? That's when I was working. The sun finally broke when they decided they would no longer keep me. ... just reading up on the lies of dr victor paul Wierewille and it turns out Claire had misinformation or lied that he died in the 90s. Remembered back to Gary from Jamesville ny who was fired from the way because he refused to believe people don't have legitimate medical situations. He wouldn't get involved in guardianship proceedings. Erin never got my messages. I had no witnesses. I feel like getting drunk for a while. ... and that I am. Never having a man (that I want to be with) to share my life with. The true friend I am with none. I never made close undeniable friends after freshman and sophomore yrs of high school. Many acquaintances and very friendly with but idk something missing. Erin can't talk to me because I'm still trying to resolve the past; Lorraine is hard to figure out but being a nurse she probably fully realizes my mother took her for a ride at the beauty parlor when Lorraine did her hair and got to know the European Southern Comfort side of mom and said she no longer wanted to get involved because my mother was "sweet" compared to the time Lorraine called and got yelled at by my mother for being a bad influence on me. etc. When mom told me to move back down here no mention of going to brain injury meetings. No mention she didn't have a clue. Kevin didn't help matters. Had the best time with Colleen Spooner after senior prom and then Carl tells kevin I said something so they don't want to hang out anymore. No explanation on what I said. It's ok to go. Just let go. Trying ... the above posts I don't read often but seeing how I'm still saying the same 2 years later is making this easier. Oh I know the latest thing that might keep me around: finding out if the illusion is real that Claire will still look into my house. ... just read a lot of these posts to mom and instead of conversation started yelling at me how it's all shit. She even denied the dentist visit and said it was her own dentist. That christine's dentist doesn't have a ramp. ... just read a bunch of these into Claire's voicemail. She's driving back from Georgia. Left about 3 voicemails. No radio. No tv. The worst thing I did was try to reason with mom. ... taking a drink instead tonight. Remembering when my ex's oldest sister got pregnant out of wedlock, for 17 years the sister was treated how I'm being treated. No real comparison. I could sure use a dose of the healing prayer put out by standing rock. . . Had very nice dream 24(?) hrs ago that a very good looking johnny depp started kissing me and I pulled away saying he's married and he got very cranky but I insisted on keep hugging me. I didn't want to lose his support. Dream ended w him opening the sky. ... flashes of mom's deadly and inappropriate behavior of turning on the radio to drown out the reading of my everyday experience and this handicapped child identifies with the native children who died at the hands of nuns. The Canadian children as early as 1966. ... memories of some horrible things done to me in potsdam; I first had a flashback that when I moved into the rent to own house I started to go to the open mic night at Strawberry fields and in the parking lot behind the stores 2 men in a truck were seen bashing into my car but no one would get involved. My insurance dropped me after that. When I moved into my house someone placed a dead rat on my driveway and steve ballan said someone else had the same happen to them so they called the cops. I can't remember what order if Strawberry Fields happened first or the student from baldwinsville turned into me and totalled my car (as I was going to watch some TV in the student lounge) and his passenger said he told the driver not to "do it." Just a life of being fucked and just waiting for the end. One thing that kept me right where I was is exposing and getting justice for what is very wrong in potsdam. I got no justice. Eventually I got a peanut $10,000 settlement from the landlord's insurance who laughed after seeing the gutter of her house fall on my car, who is the reason I had to withdraw from school for a semester, who put her own demise in writing which led to the settlement. How much is my life worth???? That same Gould landlord blocked in my car when I took matters into my own hands getting a handicapped spot and the police wouldn't do anything. That was before I had to withdraw. The division of human rights Natel didn't note the harassment. Natel only complained how I acted. What about what kicked this off of plumbing problems in the house when sandra called me up to tell me she's cleaning shit out of the basement. Embarrassed I gave an immediate possibility that I've been using tissues and all hell quietly broke loose. In hindsight I had seen mr. Hyde using a hose in the basement but he wasn't a moron like sandra. Actually mr Hyde was renting an illegal apartment as was discovered by moron overcharging water sewer trash bills and pocketing some money for herself. So as much as I loved and respected mr Hyde, he jury-rigged plumbing to make one apartment into two and it caused my future to go down the drain as the snowball only grew. The village had down a 2 aptmt house and it actually was three. When the guy who managed pizza hut moved in upstairs with wife Lisa Bonneville I had to live with farting anytime he came home because there was no insulation between the ceiling and the floor upstairs. Something very specific spoke to me about the girl murdered on rock island road by her boyfriend. Could that have been mr Hyde? Then a judge who was eventually thrown off the bench ok'd the eviction of me with the lie of sandra gould that she was remodeling the house so i'd have to go. The aptmt was put up for rent the next week while I was left living in norfolk in an aptmt across from a restaurant and had to use only bottled water EVEN FOR MY DOG because the water had a foul or sweet smell to it. The landlord's sister agnew lived next to me but I only wanted to keep to myself. I had some interactions with her but brain injury social trauma has always been a huge problem. She told me across the street (not on the restaurant side) the firemen she knew were doing a controlled fire for the insurance money. My home insurance is still good. I don't know what's going to happen there. The water in norfolk had a FOUL smell to it. I'll never get over the exhaustion this handicapped child had to go through out in the world with no sister support, no friend circle support, father, brother., etc. At least I was a stepping stone for kevin who was the first in his family to graduate college and has a wife and kids like he wanted. And as I take the last turn of my life mom's on the phone lying to her primary that no reason could be found for christine's fall, meanwhile PT is what strengthened christine's knee and arm. It reflects the childish ways of mom yesterday. ... everything is all set. I'm especially at peace if the catholic church in Ireland is saying how wrong the stigma of condemnation is. It's just a matter of actually carrying out the act. I have no problem getting numb through drunkeness but I'm painfully aware painfully hurtful this old fashioned irish is. All my pictures except one are taken down. It's only a matter of accepting numb w/o waking up to finish this life. I recorded and sent to my gmail acct when mom is making all these calls all over the place in her 80s what she needed to do for us in her 40s. Mom is having to do the red tape of services that I've been doing for 20 years. And she laughed or made a dismissal noise when I told her I needed her to do that for me as a child. Everybody is happy if they're not dealing with the reality of all of us. Just a little while ago mom said to someone in the phone "oh my gooooood" the same dragged out way aunt Maureen does it so my illusions are telling me that's aunt Maureen's response after hearing about my house. That's the same she did when I told her about everything all these years. Followed up by doing nothing about it. Mom is going out a lot yesterday and today as I hide out. That's the same she did when my father died. All of a sudden her and Chris went everywhere and I was all alone. Mom would ask if I wanted to go many times. Of course not!! We were the laughing stock freaks of the neighborhood. Christine was an embarrassment to me. Claire was nowhere to be found but the point is I finally recognize she's running from the problem instead of getting help from someone else. Nowadays she submitted herself to the handicapped groups but won't be identifying me as handicapped. Before mom wouldn't answer me about if Claire said she would listen to my messages so I went to mom's speaker phone and mom flinched as I did so as if I were going to hit her. In the 5th message I left Claire since yesterday (1 from my phone) I said this was happening and (I don't remember all I said) but Claire is in extreme unhealthy denial not able to decipher a needy life crying out in devastation. I told her she better save my messages or maybe give them to a lawyer and pray she's not too late. That we're all handicapped and all need to be taken care of...9/13/16 and after I got home from my local american native day I saw how Claire is in her clueless, half-thinking teen years just by how she stores slices of pizza. Injured before the age of majority really shows. I need to get away from this lie. ... 9/17/16 dream: I was 1/2 thinking what I was doing as I flushed the toilet and I don't remember if I dropped my only working credit card into the back of the toilet or into the bowl as I flushed being momentarily paralyzed by "this goes here?" I then reached for it after flushing and it was cut into 4 parts but still one card which revealed there is a cutting razor that turns to cut the toilet paper. I thought how tape should work so I can tape it back together and use it (as I rejoined two female friends - a blond and a brunette - at our fancy restaurant table) end of dream. Claire's medical cluelessness shown through yesterday but it's actually consistent with this family falling apart rather than coming together. I left the house earlier than usual and came home the time Claire left other days. I did a bit of robocalling since this is usually nothing extraordinary. Since I didn't recognize the car in front of the house, I parked several places around town and waited. Mom pulled into the driveway so I drove next to her and found out mom spent the day at the emergency room while Claire stayed home with christine. Christine could have gotten out of the house and mom didnt have to do it alone. It's also consistent my nephews never went to the wake and funeral of their only grandfather recently. That partially has to do with The Way belief system instilled on them. ... just as I've said Chris stopped doing some things because mom is throwing around the word CRAZY. Chris reluctantly said ok for me to put on her game shows. 45 mins later mom walks out and refers to them as crazy and I remind mom of the damage she did with that and they may throw that word around in NYC but everything changed once she was left to care for brain injured. That is protection we NEVER had in being released home from the hospital. (As I said mom always pointed for me to live in NYC. She had all her hopes and dreams on me and Claire was written off. She refused to go at it from a medical standpoint. When mom called me up to see if I'd live in co-op near Aunt Maureen it was inappropriate planning). 2 minutes later regarding an upcoming dance she did the same thing and I pointed it out after Chris gave a negative response. ... 9/18/16 so Claire is having mom shred all her banking records and Claire is taking them away to the dumpster all based on Claire knowing someone who had a stranger acquaintance have it happen to them that someone taped their info back together. Is Claire taping mom's info back together? What were the habits of this acquaintance? Did Claire even consider? I reminded mom she got rid of my medical records for a belching sonogram that I have no legal recourse now if the hospital discarded the microfilm of those records. Good thing I remember "new york community bank" as a source in case it's shredded. This is the absolute legal void stupidity our legally injured lives were left to. ... as a matter of fact I used to try to talk to Claire about worries of identity theft and Claire wouldn't talk to me about it. She already put her faith in the protection "we have" and worry was only going to bring on problems. More divide from family so I'm left in no place. It's the same pattern with our parent's will. A grandmother in CA told me it's ok to TALK about it - which is all I was doing but Claire blew it out of proportion I was somehow after mom's money. ... 9/19/16 so I was going to report other happenings but I just discovered a note and will be voice recording, in Claire's handwriting are numbers for "eldercare locator to refer to proper agency; behavior results in inflicting anguish, mental pain, fear, or distress; national center for prevention of elder abuse; and NJ adult protective services." IF YOU READ MY BLOG I ALREADY WROTE DOWN THESE NUMBERS FOR MOM so we could get my medical abuse out of the way and focus on hers; meaning let's call in the elder abuse people to get to the bottom of the child/medical abuse that is causing this. Mom didn't tell Claire I already gave her this info??? DAH! WHAT ELSE IS NEW? I'll tell you. I call today and (oh so THAT'S why mom hung up with a sweet sounding voice today!). ask mom what the situation is and ask who's bringing home dinner. As I say ok I'll stop at McDonalds which Claire helped identify in the background mom is apologetic to christine and christine throws a fit Claire wouldn't know about w/o me. I then hear mom say Claire went outside. Why? She's praying to god for me? For christine who supposedly is retarded where she doesn't have emotions and feelings? For her own sad mistake she made in court? For the computer research she jumped on 20 years too late? Does she not know I called adult protective services for ME after losing to a political whirlwind at morris county surrogate's court??? Way more to say on this issue. How ironic that today mom started freaking out over Claire's writing I was reading off mom's plain white computer paper about local taxi info I already did with her. Claire has learned how to do generic google research? The screw broke off one side of mom's walker as I crashed back into her as I endured disability abuse from the only guardian I've known since age 12. Child abuse? Incompetent abuse? Or elder abuse? Let's go back to morris county surrogate's court to find out. Just remember Princeton Illuminati graduate dr victor paul Wierewille has them by the balls. Claire's handwriting is less squiggly and expressive than it used to be but exhibits the healthy dose of sexual needs we all have. ... 9/20/16 so Claire seems desperate to make me look like the problem. 20 brainwashed years too late Claire is on the level I needed family support on -the internet. Her generic google research on taxis yielded no viable results. Has Claire looked up my life? When I heard mom say "We'll see what happens" (on the phone with Claire) I got a feeling HOURS LATER. that Claire was talking about turning me in as an abuser. Mom is probably well aware her outbursts are a perfect match to mine only mine are very much controlled by medical knowledge that mom started to be informed about when I was 15 and Claire was only 3 years removed from this house. 20 years ago I was cop-calling happy like Claire is now. Wait until she is innocently injured by them. ... 9/21/16 not enough sleep and mom pulls shit about what I use for sleep. She then does one of her play stupid and I lose it. She then does her new "get out" routine and I scream "sure throw away what you couldn't be an adequate guardian for." ... On late show with the guy from Montclair peeps for christopher, isolation - how ironic. ... and there she fucking goes denying the monsters she created. Denying with comfort from Claire. ... One fucking hour b4 alarm and stupid is holding her face dismissing we belong in family court, not criminal court as Claire is influencing her. ... still not asleep with 40 mins left to sleep. Dumbass reciting Claire dutifully. Funny how. ... the time to get up came and went with a snooze button. I hear mom get a callback about a dr she has to go to. Even the way she addresses drs shows her inappropriateness. I tell mom that means she needs to tell Claire not to come. HARASSMENT. then mom is all wishy-washy as to tomorrow or Friday. HARASSMENT. My rage is only building. MONTHS AGO I TOLD MOM ABOUT ALTERNATE TRANSPORT ACCESS-A-LINK AND MOM DECLARED THERE WAS NO WAY. SOCIAL WORKER IS TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT. KEEP PUSHING ME. Voice recording of mom denying access-a-link and my own diagnosis (particularly Sussex ave in morristown voc-rehab) sent to Claire's phone, James Novak phone, and Michael idell who specifically told me he can't help me with these voice recordings. The evidence needs to go someplace and Claire is 20 years too late in using the internet when she isolated me by not even using an email address. I'll never get over this burden unduly put on me. ... and as I listen to that recording over and over and the child will wind up abused again. Claire just called here around 3:20pm and I think how alone I've been from Claire refusing to get on the internet (possibly also due to brain-damage overload) now that her kids are out of the house she'll try something new? Does she now get texts on her phone? Why is no one saving this family? ... so mom came home and I rephrased the question about Claire tomorrow and mom said definitively "Claire's not coming here tomorrow." And those are The Mood Swings of Our Lives. We need rehabilitation. Not a soap opera. ... I see mom called Claire at 4:42pm today and Claire called her back 2 mins later. (Claire also called her 3 times on 9/12/16). She talked to her for 22min57s today so that means they probably spoke from the diner parking lot because mom was home about 20 mins later. 9/22/16 getting Unexpectedly numb as the overwhelming inability to give us adequate care post injury. Another recording yesterday when mom is calling me a liar that untreated seizures don't worsen brain damage. Of all the boys mom beat up as a child she deserves to have the shit punched out of her for the harassment she got away with of children with medical needs. ... mom and Chris left today around 12:30pm. Mom called for dinner at 4:30pm and mom had to go to 2 dentists and I asked if christine went to the bathroom. Mom said no but she's ok. I'm not sure if she added " but what can I do?" I'm right here and these children did not belong being cared for by another child. When Chris got home I asked her if she got to go to the bathroom at the Diner and she said yes and I asked when they got there or as they were leaving and she said as they were leaving but then she went right into the bathroom so it doesn't make sense she would have to go to the bathroom only 20 minutes later. Mom told her to lie? That would be nothing new. ... this unwelcomed harassing immigrant doesn't want the Tv on as she tries to fall asleep but I say nothing as I look to see what's on late night. Turn it off as I find my phone more interesting. Hour later remember Lawyer John (?) will be on nightline in jacksonville fla. Maybe it was the rolling on the hardwood floors that woke her up but I put the tv back on and return her harassment when she tries to say I have no business keeping the tv on. Who has business harassing instead of appropriately caring for medically needy children in this country? Who slept through christine getting up and staying up at 2am for years before being put on seizure meds? Who received a call from christine's school she was falling asleep in class? Who snored through me being stalked by a man I didn't want to be with when I was under 18 and he was over 18? It still sounds like she's not asleep. GOOD. Get a taste of it bitch. Get a taste of the harassing hell we were left in. Die so you finally understand the hell you left children in. I sound like I bite the hand that feeds me? That's all this useless immigrant knows how to do for medically needy children in a land she doesn't belong in. Reminded the bitch about how I know Chris only started sleeping through the night when put on seizure medication (because I was here for the before and after) and all she does is harass. DIE BITCH! ... mom is reminiscing with AM as to where she will wind up living because this house is too much for her. The woman I bought my house from said same soon after her husband died. The date is 9/23/16. Just can't take the bitter cold of a child being left for dead like this simply because Claire is brain-washed into thinking "when I was a child I thought as a child and as an adult I think as an adult." Sounds viable but is missing how everything changes when brain damaged before the age of majority. Just to be stiff as a board before being an abandoned disabled adult. And now mom is munching on some snack while death is the only option seen by her vulnerable children left so recklessly alone. Mom even asked AM about tenants moving out of her co-op. And mom talked to her about someone named Jean who knew someone that moved to Cali where their son was because their daughter couldn't care for them and I reminded mom we already had this talk about senior living in syracuse even though I didn't have a future there and I asked mom why she's not having Claire take care of her right here instead of moving. NO ANSWER. mom's conclusion is she doesn't need anyone caring for her. SCREAM TO IMPOSSIBILITY. Recording sent to Gmail of mom avoiding the issue of providing life planning for her handicapped children. ... 9/24/16 w/o enough preparation Claire is coming here today. I'll hang out downstairs. I hope clueless sees my car and takes off. Mom who can't handle life or the situation should have told her. ... as my life was raped and further destroyed. I don't know why out of the blue Christine Dopp entered my thinking before my second dose of sleep just like some girls from early high school entered my dreams once. Feeling my life flash before my eyes. Feeling abused as a developmentally disabled. Feeling stress. Mom's going out w/o Claire here and said it doesn't matter if she comes while mom is gone. Mom won't answer where she's going. I discovered a new choking method to die. It's actually pretty peaceful. I just can't handle what. Maybe Claire will leave with my car in the driveway. Just can't handle. What was done to me. Can't. I need a better set up. Mom won't say where she went. 14 mins til Claire supposed to be here. Something doesn't make any sense about the parking for Claire to come here without mom here. Claire not here yet at 11:01am. 11:08 and I hear doors closing. Now the mail truck. No garage door opening. Chris got up upstairs. She must have gone to the bathroom. Almost 20 after and still no Claire. Where did mom go? Did I foil something by being here today? Could just be precious illusions like I had yesterday when I spent all day out and then learned Claire never came supposedly coz she didn't feel good. Garage opened. Think it's Claire. It's not mom's car. Heard a car muffler b4 door opened. Horn blowing. (Oh light bulb on 9/26/16. The horn was to tell Claire mom is home). That would be mom. Shadows moved across the window. That would be Claire or a bird. Is Chris doing dishes upstairs? It's mom. She's here at 12:05pm. I have no idea of the conversation taking place due to good insulation. Claire DID come downstairs and went back out front door. The rape of my life. So the precious illusions were that Claire was "sick" yesterday due to someone informing her how this was done all wrong and mom and Claire only won their case because the judge abused discretion over a family. Rape of my life. Claire does text because something bad happened at Rutgers that it was on the news so Claire texted tj about it. The rape of my life I so needed family as the modern times were changing and I was all alone. Claire still talks to Chris as if she's a stranger. Claire plays the friendly visitor card same as usual instead of treating Chris from a human and medical point of view. The rape of my life. Claire just asked mom about IBM - if she takes the dividends or rolls them back in. That is a conversation (sort of) me and mom used to have. I told Christine's attorney (or the court) about that. Mom didn't initially deny it. The rape of my life. Claire also asked if mom called the numbers she gave her. I kept those numbers. Mom didn't answer either of those questions because mom knows the house has ears. The friendly visitor referred to "mom's friend" instead of by name. That's how uninvolved Claire is. Mom said Claire wouldn't be coming downstairs but sure as shit Claire is doing the wash. Mom has a problem with her Ireland house of septic leaking. And there's Claire's undiagnosed brain injury complaining about the buzz noise coming out of the radio. The rape of my life. And friendly visitor asked Chris cluelessly "not watching your game shows today???" and Chris said no and Claire said something about the game show network. Christine is being embarrassed/bullied into not watching what she enjoys. Claire didn't think that had a huge effect on MY life? Fucking STUPID. It's very possible mom never told Claire Chris only knows about it because of me. The rape of my life. Chris is sure to feel comforted in watching it when I'm around. The rape of my life. I'm pretty sure I have all those unanswered texts I sent to Claire 2 years ago. Now Claire is talking to mom about saving the records for when she sells this house like from getting the roof done and the sliding door to be replaced. The rape of my life. Surprising to hear mom say to Claire how horrible things are. Now down here Claire mumbled to herself what she just said to mom "never (ever) again." That is a tone of Claire keeping her opinion under raps - something she has learned well to do for the sake of the sect that keeps this family away from thinking we need a lawyer for justice in SO MANY things. And I opened the door to try to go to the bathroom and Claire was there and stopped to backtrack what the noise was and I closed the door and she made an exasperated sarcastic noise/laugh. When I went to the bathroom I took one of these old crutches we have stored here with me as I just might beat her to a pulp if she approaches me. I'm keeping one with me at all times. ... for all I know Claire is being texted 1/2 ass information from these updates only the filtered parts of what the reader deems important aka "rape of my life" is not important but the fact she texts is. And Claire is now friendly laughing with christine as she watches her game shows and someone texted her about the game shows? It's going to be a long drinking night. Claire has the gall to talk to mom about DDD for Chris. I'm caught between leaving this world behind and all the unfinished business left here. No one doing appropriate for these children. Flashes of Claire pointing out I can type just fine and flashes of Terra Maggio telling me people were saying I was on drugs because I got such a low grade in the typing class. And in the end the abandon with no idea what was coming and this terrorist in America. And Claire is giving her convincing conversation about the insanity plea in America vs other countries. And the rape of my developmental life continues. I so needed to change with modern life WITH immediate family but instead all alone with email, texting, internet. Claire only saw the "evil" in all these things but she'll say no because she didn't use the word evil. All alone. Not how this family was supposed to be. Mom throws out a straw here or there instead of full-blown help. Lies that untreated seizures don't worsen brain damage. With the pack rat mom is and all the times Claire is here and considering the home life I was left to, does Claire get it what I was left to that shaped this life? Claire doesn't really casually conversate back to mom. That's where I get that from. Just like all the flashes of how rude Claire was in this house (understandably because she was the blame for her sister being dead). Mom had a Good Housekeeping magazine from a year ago. That's no uncommon way for me to live. All alone. Clueless doesn't know or get the hearing amplification that comes with certain brain injuries. She's asking Chris if she can hear the low tv and then adds "with the shredder" and Chris says yes. I was probably mistaken when I said background noise affects all of us. I don't think it affects Chris. It's 4pm. I don't see how they will make it to church today. Mom had said she has to take a shower. Claire is able-bodied to do stairs. Claire didn't have broken bones like we did. Claire doesn't have a clue. She keeps bringing down bags of stuff using the stairs. Mom laughs at Claire's conversation but the opposite is not true. I remember Claire talking to me about how you hold on to a house because through time the value goes up so you make a profit when you sell it. If miracles happen Claire will connect the dots and understand all the help I didn't have. Claire has never been to any of my apartments, my house, or dorms. All alone. No one is acting in my best interest. I was probably meant to not be here anymore. Claire finished 1 bag of shredding and put it in her trunk. The friendly aloof visitor. I don't feel like waiting anymore to drink. Guess they're not going to church. ... Claire doesn't even hear herself. She tells mom she's going to have to do something because Claire can't keep doing this. She then tells mom that mom has no system of organization meanwhile my brain injury is all about deficits in organization. Smh. Mom then tells her she's worried about taking Chris to Kessler this week alone. Claire doesn't offer to drive her. Claire is disinvolved from hospitals. She never even visited me in the nursing home. Fake and shallow. I did not want to come into contact with her but Claire insisted on leaving with them. I had written down "Nacho Supreme with chili and cheese extra sour cream no red sauce spice/peppers on side" on the back of a paper plate. Had no interaction with Claire as I handed her the plate and I think Claire actually walked out or was standing there - not sure. ... 9/25/16 have to wonder (if Claire has any left) if her non-biblical intuition finally realized how much she fucked up but maybe those are more precious illusions kicking in. As all were leaving yesterday Claire's laughter and supposed light-heartedness became more intense. Mom and Claire both hit the downstairs light switch at the same time unaccomplishing the task of turning it on. "Happy Claire" became intensely laughing to christine as I kept opening the door to see if mom was there. I walked out with the opportunity to slip mom the appetizer as I could and Happy Claire's laughing became more intense. Does she do all that work to lighten the situation, to make fun of me, to??? Claire's happy brain-washing omits how happy all the time I was on zoloft which answers how a chemical compensated for the biological damage of the human brain. Happy brainwashed Claire in complete denial and choiceful bliss away from the profound needs of a child hospitalized for 8 months with lifelong needs and threw away christine's modern rehabilitative potential like all the rest. Happy Claire. ... with yesterday's trauma I forgot all about the nature situation I was supposed to go to. ... and mom is wasting more money by having the taxi take her to Kessler rather than me. I think it's the same Kessler we went to which you don't have to take 80. (9/26/16 - it's a different one). I told mom she's wasting her money and no response. 9/26/16 like watching Josh groban on Kelly. Wish she would choose him as a permanent co host. Rape by hearing hillary was in northern las vegas. How ironic. Didn't I just say online yesterday it was my first chosen place to die? ... 10/3/16 So the honeymoon is over. For the first couple days Claire was at mom's she would make sure Christine got out for a ride while Claire went and picked up dinner. Flashback to when Claire walked out of the house recently as Christine threw a temper tantrum that she wasn't going to go out that day. Better late than never I realize there has been a conscious decision for Claire to not do what she had done in the beginning (I think). And there it is again: Claire's disconnection to her original family. She most likely is thinking my mother is to take care of her kids her way. Key point airhead is missing is mom CAN'T take care of her kids from a medical standpoint like they need to be cared for. Everything changed after our car accident. Has everyone forgotten that??? Even with Claire giving the special needs to her special needs child, she can't connect those dots. So after Claire said today she's leaving shortly and it was only 10:15 am and I missed a lot I was going to do because I needed to leave the house before an air vortex elicited rage, the sun started coming out. Whatever was done to me spiritually it all points to something very bad going my way. My time and experiences have been at/with the environmental situation going on lately instead of here.10/4/16 I nailed it with today's blowout when I ended with "You wouldn't want to be educated ma. Ignorance is bliss with the things you've done." That sounds harsh because mom did a lot ONLY IN THE CONTEXT of nothing's wrong a.k.a all medical issues are taken care of. It started this morning when I was doing my morning rush of being ready to leave the house before 11am. The power went out for a while and when it came back on it disturbed a light that goes on and off by itself all the time (the china cabinet). She wanted me to put it off. When I didn't see how to turn it off I told her Claire will be here in 1/2 hour she can do it. For some strange reason this particularly did not sit well with mom. I have no idea why. It was really no big deal to wait a 1/2 hour. When Christine screamed from her room for me to shut up, I railed into Christine how much she doesn't know this is all over her welfare not being taken care of and how she has worse brain damage because she was left with mom. Mom does her denial that I'm lying about that YEAH RIGHT. Also... 10/5/16 how the conversation went: mom heard the TV ad Fiddler on the Roof and asked me if I was in one of those plays and I said no but one of the brothers from one of the families from grammar school was in the broadway version. She said she thinks it was done at my second HS before I was there. She then started to ponder about one of the Grammar school classmates of mine that supposedly lives in local apartments and I said I don't know I think they're in Georgia because of the chiropractic school just like one of my past boyfriends she doesn't know about because she was in Ireland and Laura was taking care of us. I told her that's the same summer Laura had Chris lose a whole lot of weight and when mom saw her / got back yelled at me "What am I going to do if she gets pregnant?! Mom said "I never said such a thing." LIES LIES LIES LIES. After back and forth I said "so when did that worry end?" trying to see if she would come clean about tubal ligation. Her response was "I never had such a worry." LIES LIES LIES LIES. More when nonmobile about all moms pain noises today that we had every right to not be subjected to. TAKE THE FUCKING ELEVATOR IF IN THAT MUCH PAIN - THE ELEVATOR SHE FUCKING LIED ABOUT! ... 10/6/16 and I had no plans to drink until it's time to go to sleep tonight but this stress is just too much. My body is warming up as I sip. My car insurance is up $4 this month which is no big deal but why? Coz they know about my house? And these noises continue and we never should have been left here and no one protected our futures and Princeton has Claire under mind control. Mom was particularly noisy yesterday. And we never should have been left here. And who did this???? And who will fix this??? 10/7/16 Ah so Claire's airheadedness gets to exist at it's own pace. She made food for mom and Chris! NO SHIT! SHE FINALLY GETS IT?!?! No worries I'll be comfortably numb soon and I wish it was time to make it permanent. No shit all I've had to suffer through and Claire is finally getting a fucking clue. Cheers! I just don't want to be here anymore. I just don't want to be here. The fucking sound of silence and inaction is killing me. After all we were put through and there's not even anyone out there looking out for us relative to this loose cannon. I carried out the earth shattering thing of finishing college and this useless immigrant is getting away with harassment. 10/8/16 Not a nice thing to fucking wake up to. I'm fucking TIRED and I have to deal with most likely Claire throwing out something of mine. I am literally TIRED/EXHAUSTED of this rat race on some days but not on others for Claire to come over. I forgot to bring my empty ice tea bottle in a bag out of the refrigerator with me yesterday and now it's gone from the refrigerator. Not only does she feed into this injustice of children {the following was written about 2 hours ago or more. My long term memory has helped me go back and remember how this all started this morning - With the stress of a virtual stranger to our household (Claire) throwing out something that saves me money everyday I told mom "no" when she asked me to pour Christine's coffee followed by "go to Morristown and take care of all your kids as should have been the case." - paraphrase. I went back to my laptop and the going back and forth happened and then the following}. (The following was all read aloud to mom which is the reason for the breaks in sentences). And I just lost it on mom and my brain injury reactions as she discriminates against me will be used against me. What sets it off is this childishness we are left with and she just doesn't shut up her denial of her children's future with a disability and Claire is mind controlled through Princeton university. and mom says nothing about that because she knows I'm right. and she just still says to get a job (without any mention of proper job skills relative to my child disability - I'm going to finish this on desktop - that she knows nothing about because the drugs in Butler NJ let her be that way since 1985). That is discrimination against a disabled person. and so mom just kept going on to the point where I went to her and she just kept it up. Oh so when my hands started flying mom said to call the police when police never belonged in our lives. we belonged only in family court all these years and this is not being taken care of. It's unbelievable she still stays in complete aloofness. No doubt I would kill the woman who never took care of my disability and then specifically discriminates/harasses me such as calling me dumb, I can't get a job, etc - but it seems to be a history of thought provoked emotions which is a brain injury symptom. so she now says I need to go take care of myself (relative to the childhood injury that was cared for in a children's hospital for 8 months. that is the aloofness of the older generation Irish who are child abusers. I have a right as a US citizen (as I read this aloud to mom she just kept up the harassment). so here she is calling me dumb that is disability abuse so she now says I'm elder abuse (At one point I reminded her who gave her the information for elder abuse to begin with: I DID) and she still goes on that I. oh so now after my life has fallen apart. oh so now she's saying I did the falling apart. that she had nothing to do with it. that she doesn't elicit responses out of a child who was medically neglected. and so now mom says she never said Claire was brain washed - Riiiiigggghhht! I came up with that phrase ALL BY MYSELF IN 1985 - I MUST HAVE ALSO COME UP WITH THE WORD GUINEA (an Italian) ALL BY MYSELF TOO RIGHT??? IN THE SUBURBS OF NJ THERE'S JUST SOME PERSON ROAMING AROUND TEACHING ME PHRASES I WOULD NEVER OTHERWISE KNOW - Riiiiiiggggghhht! all my existence didn't happen because mom doesn't want it that way. So what's going to happen is mom is in her lawyer calling happy phase and all this narcissist did to me all the years I said call one she only laughed. So we are in this mess now over things she refused to take care of back then. So what happened as my life flashes before my eyes is. oh so mom just said I'm talking a lot of shit by the emotional life of mine that has been spewed. I've played the voice mail for her that she left that "I'm welcome home anytime." to "just let her know I'm coming." Mom so pulled it out of me by saying "get it straight we are not going to Morristown" - paraphrase - that I went to her and kept pulling at her shirt as a child trying to desperately get the attention of a parent but mom is being fed the horse before the carriage of elder abuse minus the flashbacks in life of child abuse. And as I pulled on her shirt saying the same thing to go to Morristown and fix it for all her children mom just kept up her shit. And I couldn't hold my hands back from a slight smack on her head and I think that's when she said to call the police. And throughout this episode I kept pulling at her walker and hit her on the arm as my life flashed before my eyes. I then went and pulled the cradle out of the phone before this loose cannon ACTUALLY CARRIED through on her usual false threats (HARASSMENT). All mom had to do was hit speaker phone to use the phone but - this is just too much to type more now. Oh and when I told mom Claire never belonged in jail mom denied Claire went to jail and started to say "she went up to that place..." (the drug and alcohol rehab in Lafayette, NJ) and I said BEFORE she went there she went to JAIL! Dah! Drunk driving into a telephone pole is a criminal situation! Of course she went to jail first! I could keep going into this until the cows come home.... long term memory is coming back with more stuff. Of all the harassment I stated how Christopher had an American parent to help him with his special needs. Not only that but he had 2 american parents and a brother to brother around with. If mom isn't aloof she sure acts it as - oh I know how it went. When I was bringing up Claire and her going to jail mom said her new learned coping skill of that 1. claire has nothing to do with me I said "Are you SERIOUS???? ... you have 6 5 other sisters...and i have nothing." - too much right now. 10/9/16 how ironic "Carrie" sounds a lot like mom. I've asked mom about if there's a bad memory of a man with alcohol why she doesn't drink and I've had no confidence in life with her criticizing how whatever I do I'll be laughed at. That highlights the inappropriateness of us being left with this immigrant who needs to fit in. 10/10/16 flashes of mom's dismissive tone saying there is no going back to the surrogate's court and I fucking lost it this child is telling the handicapped and vulnerable child - forget it - as if talking to a child that elicited rage from me when I attacked her. Future attacks are only going to get worse. What's she going to do now? I have no place to go. This morning's stress was so bad you could hear the distress in christine's voice TWICE. first mom was practically crying as she couldn't turn the toaster knob so Chris volunteered to help but then mom got it SO SUDDENLY ALL IS OK. then the next earthquake was over her getting down a plate. THIS IS THE STRESS WE WERE LEFT IN OF THESE EARTHQUAKES ALL THE TIME. NOT CLAIRE WHO ALSO WENT FROM THE FLAME TO THE FRYING PAN WITH MIND CONTROL RATHER THAN LEGITIMATE MEDICAL ATTENTION. ... And mom came home and I said "Are you too tired or is Claire coming over today?" Response is that she'll be here any minute. I FUCKING LOSE IT demanding to know what the hell she did that last night she said she'll have to see how her doctor's appt goes AND WHAT THAT MEANS IS SHE COMES BACK HOME AND THEN CALLS CLAIRE. She couldn't fucking call me from the fucking doctor's office? She called claire like I told her to for her to hold off on coming here until I'm out of the house. With mom on the landing on her cell to Claire I start screaming to Claire "you mind-controlled dipshit!" When mom was off the phone and I'm rushing to leave without proper preparation for the day I roar about the Princeton graduate that led Claire's group and that's not SMART that's CORRUPTION. At the time mom was on the phone with her and me going off claire was at the local meat store buying stuff for mom because the store is not handicapped accessible AND THAT'S EVEN MORE SHIT I COULD GO OFF AT. INSTEAD OF OUR RIGHTS BEING ENFORCED LIKE REPORTING THE STORE TO THE ADA, THIS USELESS IMMIGRANT RAISING HANDICAPPED KIDS IN AMERICA ONLY LAUGHS WHEN IT COMES TO OUR RIGHTS AS HANDICAPPED. ONLY UNTIL RECENTLY. THE FUCK THIS IS GOING DOWN LIKE THIS. THE FUCK! ... TRANSFERRED FROM BLOG POST OF NOVEMBER 29, 2014 SECOND TO LAST COMMENT THAT I ADD TO AND TRANSFER: 10/11/16 mom did it again. She won't get Claire involved in various aspects of christine's care so mom and Chris missed the pivotal appointment today for Chris to go back to work without my help. The transportation has insisted Chris needs a wheelchair in order to use them and today Chris was supposed to get the chair but Kessler sent a vehicle to pick them up that mom couldn't get into. When Chris got back in here she threw a tantrum and mom said there was nothing she could do and I pressed the record button as I REPEATED to Chris AGAIN for me to be included in her care. That this wouldn't have happened. So now mom is on the phone with them and was contemplating doing the dangerous drive down there but now looking to reschedule. ... mom is going to have a pacemaker put in near the end of the month so she is trying to now get another appt soon if she can have someone drive with her. It sounds like mom was wanting this transportation situation to be out of the way before surgery. I did same out in the world where people work so slow they might as well be going backwards. It sounds like someone is calling her back. I don't think mom needs a pacemaker. I think that is medmal. ... so mom just called the car place and made a complaint saying Chris missed her appt today all because of them. ... in her 80s mom is dealing with what I've dealt with in my 20s. People from these places saying they'll call back in an hour so you call when don't hear and they're gone for the day. ... 10/17/16 how it started: airhead not sure she's coming today so we're all in disarray. With the stress of the cleaning lady coming and the unsurety of Claire and mom going on and on and needing to be ready for all this I hand her the garage door opener from christine's room. She asks me to also put away the water and I say they'll do it when they get here and that I'm not Claire and to add me to christine's care like I've been telling her for 3 years. I'm not holding back from the abusive guardian even though the cleaning lady is here. After mom hung up the phone I laid it all out that the surrogate's court was available for me to be protected instead of losing my life out in the world and the abuse just continued. Too much for mobile. I said Chris is missing out all because of it and mom said they've done all they could do for Chris and I say not according to the rehab doctor at Kessler and mom goes off about he was an idiot who wrongly said there was a problem with christine's brace and I reminded her how she had to do something new with christine's brace the last thing she got it. I reminded her this time mom had to go to an OT after getting the brace FOR the brace - that's something new. She fucking denied it. (We don't need these fucking games). Then mom went off about how bad Kessler is because her surgery was a waste from there. At a certain point I tell her we didn't need all this (nitpicking). We just needed proper medical care. This woman (I just lost my thought that was very significant). It's very simple to see that when mom got involved with groups in christine's life only then did she know what to do for Chris but SHE WAS ALL ALONE WITH ME (HOPING FOR THE BEST PROUDLY TELLING PEOPLE I WAS GOING TO COLLEGE). As I've done before I educated her on that no one was around to object to me and my care at 18 with the surrogate's court so I had no protection. Do I just sound like a lunatic or does anyone hear this is a cry for help from this medically abused child? Too much for mobile. As I do what I can mobile, I point out to mom Chris needs surgery - that the PT only strengthened her knee and when it goes weak again she'll be in the same mess and mom starts to say " Well then..." and I say " you'll figure it out then? We deserved proper care. Not this." Life rape. Who left us here? I could swear this is all going to come down on me as it always has. It's too late for Claire to come at 1:30pm. Chaos all because of a lack of consistency. I should just get ready for this to all come down on me. What else is new? The cleaning lady at least sees the difference between all of us. Friendly visitor Claire didn't live in a hospital multiple times in her life nor did she - too much for mobile. Just started to read the above to mom and not good enough. Zero communication. ... something else that needs to come back to me ... oh yes body spray. Recently Claire had the chance to buy body spray but mom never told her. Mom said explaining it to her would be too difficult and I said if she can't find it with the name she only need ask someone who works there. What's tragically happening is mom has to live up to the image that in this house we don't share anything. Not body spray, food, nothing. An act at the expense of mine and christine's medical lives. I heard Claire in mom's statement today that there's nothing more that can be done for christine. LIES! ... 10/18/16 here I am on round 2 at 3am. Wonder if why blood comes out sometimes during the brush/gag/cough has to do with throat irritation from too much Vodka. Have to babysit my phone charger as my autistic side gets furious at the computer care McDonalds workers in the form of cell phone stores and laptop fixing stores. Illuminati in the form of religion - a fire Claire walked right into to silence victims even further while insurance got away with an immigrant loose cannon and Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb was written. Claire stating she wasn't coming yesterday because she didn't feel good but sounded fine on the phone. Does she get it that her constant sniffle-type breathing is due to chemtrails? Maybe she was informed of the Illuminati as the basis of her sect and denial of our injuries that she's floored in putting any reason together. Illuminati. Illuminati. Mom used to say her cult was run by a bunch of Guineas but it goes much deeper. Illuminati was openly talked about in the 1800s. ... and sure enough the search for that book has changed "Princeton Theological Seminary: A Discourse Delivered at the Reopening of the Chapel" written by Charles Hodges 1874 and time stamped 1908. It can be found other places though. And if airhead is not feeling well enough robodick is coming to take Chris and mom to Kessler for the unnecessary wheelchair and with all the names mom was calling me I screamed if she felt that way about me she should have said so when I was 14 or 15 and not this lie to come out like this after all these years. Page 18 the Illuminati is openly talked about and my life is raped. ... so robodick is not coming in the house. The friendly visitors put in charge of christine's profound lifelong medical needs. Nice family. Robodick is merely a cab driver. Not helping out with the profound medical needs that him and Claire have been put in charge of. He probably knows I use recording devices and his lie from christmas 2 years ago is all taken care of. ... I'm traumatized and no one to lift me out. If robodick comes in the house the record button is going on. Traumatized. Mom accepted a lie. Trauma. ... such a jerk off this family doesn't need but here because mom wouldn't work with me. Robodick took over the entire task of doing christine's seatbelt. As if Chris can't do it on her own. She needs help. Not the entire task done for her and with those two given sole custody of her care Chris will never get to benefit from advances. Yesterday mom told me to call the brain injury people in NJ and I said I did - that they're the ones she hung up on multiple times and mom did one of her dismissal moves that they're not help for christine. Illuminati. Princeton theological seminary. Weirwille. Mind control. Lies. Something happened as I typed that. A potsdam freak show happened. That's how I know. Illuminati the basis of all bible texts. Again as I tried to tell Claire in 2001,the miracles she witnessed at the start of her group were merely wiccan activity but Claire stopped me from going any further as I was letting in bad things. Claire: an obedient Illuminati dream come true. Openly talked about in 1874 and pulled from reality in 1908. And I lay exhausted from knowing the truth and earlier I read to mom a brain injury symptom I suffer from and mom only mocked me and I told her that's disability abuse. Imagine robodick at rehabilitative Kessler today. And the disabling abuse continues. ... and I lay here emotionally drained as all our potential for getting better has been thrown to the dogs. If I drink it will offset my sleep. I really liked that guy from brooklyn I met in syracuse who worked for AA. he never called me back. I always think of him what he said they take when can't sleep. ... and I fell into a long sleep and had long intense dream at big mall. It faded as quickly as I woke up. And they're not back yet but the life rape is apparent. And a potsdam freak show just happened. 3:40pm and still not home. I expect they would be here by 4pm. They got here 4:15pm and robodick's uninvolved mannerism hasn't changed. Christine's usual jolly hello was greeted back by something straight faced and barely audible. Mom was a nightmare getting into the back seat. Coming back mom took a real long time getting out of the front seat and I'm not sure if it was clear to robodick not to touch her (she would feel funny taking the hand of her daughter's husband (however I can totally picture Kevin helping in that way) so maybe it's just Robodick) or it's just a known thing they don't like each other. Chris got out of the back seat and was helped up by robodick. robodick then walked both of them to the garage. what an ass! What an incompetent ass! Chris is not in danger of falling like she was. That was completely unnecessary. Robodick unnecessarily backed the car way up to the garage door when he got here. What an out-of-touch incompetent ass! After getting out mom said "thank you very much Rich" and Robodick probably uttered under his breath "you're welcome." When mom said thank you again he said nothing. THAT'S THE MIND-CONTROL OF THE WAY INTERNATIONAL. A SOUND MIND ONLY NEEDS SAY ONCE AND BE AT PEACE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT CHRISTOPHER'S SPECIAL NEEDS ARE FOR REPETITION BUT I CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT THAT POOR KID WENT THROUGH GROWING UP IN THAT HOUSEHOLD OR WHAT MESS HE'S IN AS AN ADULT BECAUSE HE STILL HAS THOSE NEEDS MEANWHILE PAUL IS CITED "when I was a boy I thought as a boy and as a man I think as a man.' I'm pretty sure robodick looked up at my window as he walked mom past the back door for christine. Rape. And maybe I got there too late but I didn't see a wheelchair. Remember mom is doing what I used to do as learned in this house of rushing to get everything done to get back to everyday life. I guess I'll find out if she asked him to drive her to the hospital for a pacemaker. Or actually hinted at the need which would be the usual. There was a day mom didn't hint because it was expected I would do everything. I lost my life with no one else here. I can't stand the chewing sound she makes when she eats her favorite, candy corn. ... I forget how it started but made it known to mom edward went back home to have children. He came here with Fiona and the two of them witnessed mom saying she never said for me to go to college followed by Claire correcting that followed by fiona's inhalation of breath. He probably decided right there not to have kids in America although I know there were other factors that made him go home in a hurry. ... mom is on the phone with his father now because he checks in on her house over there. 10/19/16 Chris got spoken to coldly / yelled at this morning already because it's too difficult for mom to cut christine's breakfast. Just another stressful day in the life of medically needy children who needed something else. ... this woman and her fucking pain noises. Get the fuck rid of the central fucking air. And we're fucking stuck here. ... and as should be added at any time Claire went to Ireland for a reason and a good indication how my life fell apart missing the set needs of an injured like me needs. Plans. Viable plans. ... lots of flashbacks today. Flashes of the development disruption of no longer having sisters. My sisters taught me everything and then mom didn't have patience. Had a chance to share sisterly and learn but Claire's mind control kept her away. Funny how the Illuminati kept her away from learning about the Illuminati. ... 10/20/16 yet another typical day that Chris screams at mom to "shut up!" as she learned from mom. No one calling that senior abuse. I feel the sense of rape if robodick is the one reading this filtering what Claire needs to know and not know. When I heard Claire's condition I informed mom of Claire's natural care history starting to say she does colon cleanses and I told mom she probably never heard and sure enough mom had no idea. That's how in the know I am of this entire family and Judge Deanne M. Wilson with Cristina Accardi Mirda ruined lives ... aha! Mom said she had to go to a hair appt but didn't mention christine's doctor visit in which he wouldn't sign some papers. Have no idea yet what that's all about but that's a first since mom always gets what she wants flying under the radar. ... 10/21/16 mom pulled a fast one on me. Had no idea DDD was coming here today. Danielle stayed away from me as mom gets away with child medical neglect and mom makes plans all by herself to go have a pacemaker put in. No family to transport her or be there when she wakes up or leaves hospital. It seems Danielle was specifically rushed in and out. She said she was from the independent living center but works in a different office from the girl who was supposed to help me with work from home. No worries. I'll find out danielle's last name. There's no way mom is going to keep pulling wool over eyes. Why would Danielle suddenly say she'd have no problem telling Lindsay about me? Something was up with that. Something is not right. I came into lay down and both Chris and mom just denied mom whispered to her to come in the kitchen. When you piece together how Danielle acted it all makes sense. I just don't know what the connections are. For the first time today mom referred to her youngest sister as " my sister Louie." It has always been "Aunt Louie." ... all I can do is type away and keep saying what's happening. Chris doesn't understand what mom is doing to her for mom's own convenient reasons. I used to be fooled too. Christine lied about mom flagging her over to the kitchen. She doesn't know better. It's time to drink soon anyway and infection is welcomed with life being this lie. Danielle seems to have gotten a forewarning about me. Where is the person to get justice for all children? Where's the justice for all children? I truly hope mom has a near death experience but I doubt that will happen since she won't be knocked out. We don't deserve this medical well-being oblivion in the United States. I told mom the hinkle fingles & Prior had right on their website a case just like mine where the young adult qualified for DDD. ... and I got the rope around her neck and started strangling her and jonbenet's neck scars red flashing through my mind and christine tries to save the situation and I tell her to back off or she will be sorry but she persists hitting me and I push her back so she falls back and can't get up. I get back to business as I have flashbacks of mom yelling her phrase only known after I didn't return home "call 911!" Finally mom breaths no more and me and christine are set free from the demon ruining our lives. And that's one sure fire scenario how we are free from this terrorist in our lives even though christine's ability to understand that has been eroded by that very same terrorist. ... how ironic I just lost everything I wrote. The witch of Potsdam got Claire but that's what Claire gets for having her name on mom's checks. Claire has the constipation diarrhea dilemma I developed from bilberry juice everyday. There are normal health /scientific explanation for some things. There are spell/witches brew explanations for others. Gotcha Claire. Protection from God and protection from the Illuminati are 2 different things. No one had ever heard of those problems from bilberry juice just like no one had ever heard of developing vitamin b-complex deficiency symptoms by taking b-complex supplements which is what happened to me. Welcome to my world clueless. Come home to the void that is here now? Riiiiiggghhtt! I only prolonged the inevitable. And the rope around the neck tightens further as I get the pleasure of casting out the demon in me and christine's life. ... Flashbacks as I saw Guy Fierre watch a crawfish pie go into the oven and I remind mom of the play baking oven I asked for as a child (and it fell on the densest of ears) as my future became obliterated. Back then I only wanted to bake little ¢.25 pies. By now I'm worth millions re: the life she ruined. Where is the lawyer to endorse that??? Where is the family that will step in? SUSAN McCrain? Eddy McCrain from Belle Harbor? John O'Flaherty the lawyer in San Francisco? Any of the Zinsleys from Ronkonkomo? Had a chance for Monica Zinsley in Thousand Oaks when I got there but that was shot to hell. Welcome infection and welcome death. ... 10/23/16 I can't remember if it was 10/21/16 or 10/20/16 but a car load of dressed up men driving by at 10am tends to stand out (2ce no less). At 4pm this narcissist took the elevator for the first time. I came out of the shower and there she was and I asked if it was her first time and she said yes "a little scary". AS IF I GIVE A FUCK HOW HER EXPERIENCE WAS. Stupid is now here eating some grapes while she reads the paper. ... The Davinci Code. Something I first learned about in 2004. On tv it says the movie was made 2006. Now reality should be sinking in to Claire she is being faithful to the Illuminati. She pointed out to me the rewriting of books at least dealing with christopher columbus. Princeton's Theological Seminary books have also been redone to omit the secret society. ... watching Hocos Pocus for the first time. "Would you forgive me love for the salt in your bed?" at 11:35pm and "when I think of the early 90s your face comes up like it was yesterday." And Alanis flying through the air in her video - a witch. ... 10/24/16 so yesterday Christine sat down and at one point asked mom to get her book from the other room. As I've said before Chris doesn't connect mom is not able like she used to be. Christine wouldn't even ask if she understood but due to the smut in NJ family court of the surrogate we're in a fucking mess. Talking about Danielle and all the red tape mom could have been doing for years and Claire let down this family by not taking christine in. I know exactly where they are in Denville while mom just complains but omits me from christine's care. Now talking to Danielle so Danielle can talk to the doctor. I have a feeling Danielle might be coming here today. No fast ones except I won't have a copy of the writing I gave to her doctor. A copy of it already exists where Danielle is but whether Danielle has seen it is another story that I don't know. ... mom is in a flurry of getting Chris prepared to go away while mom goes into - actually Claire's situation it turns out is not being explained. That's the same as me with Bilberry juice. Claire just listened to mom talk about Chris going to respite. The situation with Danielle didn't call for me to do much but it's definitely an abusive situation of the child in me crying out that I qualify for DDD and my life didn't have to turn out what it did had mom been left a loose cannon with hopefulness and denial. This is so completely sick the care we've been left in. ... watching Carrie again and "they're all going to laugh at you" is positively a mom phrase. Not sure WHY they cut scenes in Carrie of her locking her mother in the closet before leaving for prom and the gas station scene with the bimbo's head through the windsheild. ... 10/26/16 not good of how Claire doesn't even call mom back on the day before mom is going in for a pacemaker. Not good. ... airhead calls here an hour and 1/2 after mom leaves. Is that her way of playing dumb that this post/blog exists? Aloof that no one should go to a medical procedure all alone. Are you listening Judge Deanne m.wilson, Cristina Mirda, and steven j. Straub???? ... oh so it was robodick who called from Claire's phone. It sounded like they don't have a clue mom went in for a pacemaker. Mom called this morn so I had to check her messages. Robodick calls her by her first name. Kevin used to call her Mrs. while Robodick never used to call her at all. Robodick sounds like a typical Jerseyite. The type I don't find interesting at all. ... clueless's phone number showed here again. How ironic. I'm more comfortable with "I'm not doing a damn thing" with good reason. Until this whole injured family is dealt with. ... so Claire erroneously thought mom's surgery was today and when mom told Claire she couldn't get help in the house and mom is not supposed to drive and she didn't know how this was all going to work out Claire asked if I was here? AS IF! YOU FUCKING BIMBO! WHA PART OF LIFEFLASH DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHAT PART OF LACK OF PROPER MEDICAL CARE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHAT PART OF DESTRUCTIVE RECUPERATION IN THIS STRESS HOUSEHOLD DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? WHAT DON'T YOU FUCKING GET??? Mom's answer was a yes with no further comment. Claire then said "Alright mom I'll let you go" and sounded just like the no good squeaky clean twin on that movie that came out. Guess robodick may have to wind up picking christine up if Claire doesn't drag her naseous ass out the door. Don't forget not to be pathetic with christine robodick. DOES BIMBO GET TO GO CHANGE THE ARRANGEMENT IN MORRISTOWN? DOES BIMBO GET ANYTHING? DOES BIMBO GET HOW INADEQUATE SHE ALONE IS IN CHRISTINE'S LIFE? DOES BIMBO GET SHE ONLY WON A COURT CASE BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE A LAWYER? DOES BIMBO REMEMBER THE SMOKING GUN DEANNE M. WILSON HAD AT HER DISPOSAL WHEN MOM ADMITTED HER INADEQUATE CARE? I'M SURE BIMBO REMEMBERS THAT 70'S SONG ABOUT "the smell that surrounds you." It's the only explanation I can find for a judge to let a self-witnessed smoking gun fucking slide. WHAT PART OF ME AND CHRISTINE SAYING "I'M IN SO MUCH PAIN I COULD USE AN ELEVATOR" DOESN'T BIMBO UNDERSTAND? ONLY AFTER ROBODICK OR OTHER FAMILY SEE ONLINE FROM ME THAT CHRIS ALMOST FELL BACKWARDS DOWN THE STAIRS DOES THE TRUTH COME OUT? ONLY FOR HER TO PUT ON A GOOD ACT OF THE MEDICALLY ABUSIVE INSECURE ASSHOLE SHE IS? WHAT PART OF THESE THINGS IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? THAT'S NOT GOD. THAT'S ILLUMINATI. ... when I asked mom about setting the alarm and she said she won't be I said what time do you have to pick christine up by? and she said she can't pick her up tomorrow and I said then I guess rich has to pick her up and perplexed she said Rich Mould???? and I said yeah and she said no that Chris might have to stay a couple more days and I reminded her what DDD said that anything after 3 days is long term care and she played it off. THAT'S THE ASSHOLE THAT RESIDES HERE. PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE MOM FELL INTO THE NYC SLICKER LIFESTYLE. SHE TAKES ALL THESE SUBURBANITES FOR A RIDE. THAT INCLUDES COLLEEN KOBER, HER OWN CHILDREN, AND ALL ELSE. she lost only ONCE and that was when Claire was court-ordered out of the house based on (Claire's testimony) how mom reacted in court. MM is from Brooklyn but even she was taken for a ride. As was I. ... furthermore mom has the city slicker attitude down pat as much as she is able but that lack of trueness really comes through when she is so disconnected from having her injured children unable to follow a "just say" policy and there is no wonder the unobvious injured crashed right into a wall. I should be able to bullshit my way through life but in reality I insisted on a diagnosis senior year of high school that she drove me to to get but is disconnected from american life (suburban no less) than to know what to do with that. Are you listening Morris County Surrogate's Court???? And as I look up from typing there's the application of NJ transit for the transportation I said was available for christine 2 years ago and this asshole insisted I was wrong - that christine could only take what was available to her. And I just ripped into this asshole who walked by an inch at a time, about how her knee surgeries were supposed to help her walk and what's the problem? The problem is her back. Again, I told her there are things in the knees connected to the back and NOT TO HAVE THE FUCKING SURGERY. Then I mocked her new founded tirade about senior abuse. ... where is our walnut creek, ca lawyer relative???? He probably has no clue how needed he is thanks to mom's oblivion. He's a relative on dad's side so there's no saying he would help anyway. The online conversation with dad's sister's adopted daughter went to hell. Same with dad's cousin's daughter. Immigrants must truely be 2nd class citizens which makes me 3rd class due to disability - an ignored injury. ... 10/29/16 I've been in bed all day. When mom said how the mail should be brought in I said I'm not going out. I asked if she called Claire and she called Claire. Claire got upset at mom when mom said she should go for an xray. I think it was Claire being impatient that she had already been through that with her. Welcome to my world. No coffee was made today because I didn't make it. When mom said she was worried about the build-up of mail in the box Claire said something about me doing it. The usual bimbo. No dinner coz I'm not up. Flashes of my dream the other night that the wife of the guy next to my house told me about fixing up a house and selling it. Flashes of catherine fallon making sure I don't get employed in potsdam. ... Claire's Way's miracles sound EXACTLY like the Amish witches in Wilmot(?) OH Holmes County. Claire's leader is from/in New Knoxville(?) OH. NW ohio. On lifetime. Millersburg amish country is 3 hours east.[ah so The Way International is on Twitter https://twitter.com/thewayintnl?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor - we would have a twitter war if I was on Twitter but Claire kept me brain washed about the internet that I am stuck in time with not doing anything online - inserted 11/1/16] ... 10/30/16 sometimes the negligence of my life is pinpoint clear. As mom was talking to Chris where Chris is staying it was one of the - now mom is talking to Claire about the mail. Mom has before gone days on end without getting the mail but mom has now come up with something new that the mailman is going to call the police due to the accumulation of mail that something has happened here. Those off-the-beaten path things are what mom many times accuses me of doing which only highlights the ineptness we were left with which is negligence. The things I learned for cognitive advancement in America were shot down and a life destroyed by being left dependent on a guardian who couldn't see and appreciate those needs which turned out to be the smoking gun Deanne m. wilson just let slide. - so anyway the pinpoint clearness. It's the feeling of years of negligence all coming clear in one second at lightening speed all too much to process let alone get out. It all started (?) with our father no longer being here and mom yelling into the phone at Claire that dad is turning over in his grave she didn't finish college and crying and I became mom's hope. Fast forward and this is the second day mom isn't having coffee because she kissed her hope goodbye when she lied in court telling the judge I'm a Liar. The attorney I got for reconsideration is part of the local yokel "drug addicts" who looked down upon me as a local yokel stupid kid with dumb decisions rather than medical needs not met by adults. This local yokel dumb decision kid understands the total screw up legally of the neighboring town hooking into this town's water supply. That also brings me to the story last night of the cleveland girl kidnapped for ten years. She is separate from the other two because she was at the age of majority when taken. The other two were minorities at the time which has different far reaching implications. I guess Claire was majority when crashing her car so me and Chris slipped through the cracks. There's only one way to fix that kissing goodbye and that's going back to court and redoing what I had no warning about. This power freak led me to believe we were all done with the surrogate's court after my money was released from there. Years later she must have felt that I already knew (based on my american education and disability service involvement) what she found out; FUCKING WRONG! Not at all. Not at all. Text msgs between me and aunt teresa the other night: " How is mam tell her I said hi and hope she's fling good after surgery..love teresa" me: " I did and she's very slow going after surgery. someone should be here for her." AT: " I know I wish I could fly but my health not good..Michael looks after me..I'm so lucky...he cooks breakfast every morn puts on the fire. Takes me out driving...so try an do what u can for mam.. teresaxxxx" me: " That's good for Michael!i mean for claire to take care of mam.i wont lift a finger til mam and claire undo what they did in a court supposed 2 protect us in USA" - end of messages. No reply as those 3000 miles across the ocean feel powerless and some of them I assume buy Claire's bullshit. As I lay in bed another day and mom tells Claire she has to pick Chris up on Wednesday and there is no offer from Claire to help. Now she's on phone with friend ronnie and as usual not a mention of home problems. I was decent enough through the years to stop screaming when she was on the phone and scared about being taken out of the home from social workers that I am now the price paid. ... I want to sit out at least for 2 hours later on transferring this to my blog so I make coffee and charge my laptop and sure enough I get recruited to help mom put on her sweater (so she can get the mail). ... mom has a harder time than me and Chris closing the elevator door from the inside. After several attempts I yell to her (since I'm getting more coffee in the kitchen) to not close it hard. she can't fucking hear me without a hearing aid so I scream it at a higher decibel. She gets it closed. I'm putting the milk away and hear her at the bottom of the stairs ask if I'm in the kitchen and I say "Yeaaah WHY?" she tells me to give her the garage door opener that she forgot it and I say things like "what would you do without me here?" and "that's what you've had 3 years to fix;" while she sounds like a child on a playground saying nothing new of "just give me the opener" and I simply ignore her. She got the garage open and is now inside. There is coffee here when she comes up. And there she goes having her coffee that she wouldn't have, had I not asked her if she's having some. And here comes the thunder which makes me feel even better than the rain and I've no idea why. And I think she's also having a banana she wouldn't have, had I not done the shopping the other night. ... 10/31/16? and I got recruited to take a mug down from the cabinet which was partially my fault because she was on her way to the dishwasher to get one but I was in the way. You can only say "fend for yourself" so much. Flashes of how goosey night doesn't really happen around here anymore and flashes of a diminished capacity child who is waiting for justice of the scars left behind of being molested in the hospital and coming home to fighting and soaping our windows and eggs thrown at our house and the gas cap stolen from the car and mom disregarding me and dad yelling at me when I wanted to play by tickling his feet but anyway mom is without a nurse because she doesn't plan and I will hang out morris county until this is fixed. I saw a commercial for a new Bergan county surrogate but not morris. ... mom held back and then botched the story to the mother of stephanie's classmate who grew up to lose her fiance in a plane crash. She left out the initial part where mom didn't want to bug the nurses, then said it was the neurologist who said it was a blood clot that went to the eye when it wasn't. I was at the eye doctor's apt who said it was a clot to the eye. The neurologist disagreed with the eye doctor that it was and the eye doctor backed down to the neurologist. Claire could have health insurance if she got a diagnosis and got disability benefits but instead is flying under the radar. Smh this is what morris county allowed to happen. Then again I forgot to add "and protected by the Illuminati." ... protection I was entitled to http://www.state.nj.us/humanservices/ddd/services/guardianship/. And I fall thru the cracks coz there was no divorce involved http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. I just read the presley medical case first part to mom who said nothing as usual. I'll have to keep reading. DROVE A CAR??? FUCKING YES!!! ... and I read it all to her and no reply except rolling her eyes as if I'm wrong and I reel into her about listening to aunt Maureen that once they turn 18 you're no longer responsible. AUNT MAUREEN DOESN'T HAVE CHILDREN INJURED BEFORE 8FUCKINGTEEN! As usual mom makes a phone call to "Mary" and there is no talk of any of this. I'm pretty sure it's the mother who comforted mom after the accident and whose non-injured child I was compared to growing up. And there she is talking about my NYC cousins we were compared to not being good enough as. Where's her senior abuse claim now? The surrogate's court had all my medical records given to them, elicited and witnessed and admonished medical neglect and let it all fucking slide. Maybe that's why only Bergan county is showing a surrogate elect on tv. Because the whole world now is aware how full of shit they are. FUCKING FIX THIS! and there she is talking about stuff and mentions using the elevator with no mention of the medically abusive history behind it. Lives thrown away to Allstate Special Funds. All this undue suffering from the decision of Deanne M. Wilson with false arguments by Cristina Mirda and Steven J. Straub from Norrie and Associates out of Montclair but Steven out of Budd Lake. ... just fucking dying inside http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. 11/1/16 absolutely dying inside http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. this is the brain washed idiot Claire has become (as I have flashbacks to the conversations I had with Claire as to the suing mom I would have to do and airhead declared there's no way she could even contemplate that with the unspoken - or already discussed - motherhood revelation Claire attained). Christopher has probably been brainwashed the same meanwhile Claire professes obeying the law of the land. Poor christopher had to leave the service over a physical situation - not cognitive. Just dying inside http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. me and Claire had this conversation in around 2002 - possibly earlier as i have draining flashes of losing my house while no one is protecting us. http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. ... 11/3/16 DRUGS http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. Today I was going to be gone all day so I did like last time and picked up "dinner" which would actually be lunch and dinner and when I brought it back I said if she can't reach up to the microwave for dinner reheating to just put the food on a plate over boiling water on the pot like she used to do for dad. DOES CLAIRE REMEMBER THAT? WAS CLAIRE AROUND FOR THAT? WOULD CLAIRE EVEN THINK OF THAT? DRUGS http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml ... 11/5/16 I'm on 3 hrs sleep and mom is inviting one of the very involved women in christine's groups to come over and help what Claire had been doing. Dreaming of setting the world afire all because of judge deanne m. Wilson. ... and my brain injured monster came out. In my no-holding-back days when asked if I'm working all truth came out and as politely as I could I kept my rage response under control. That also took away from getting all info out. My short term memory remembers that at the beginning I stated I'm waiting for a proper accident reconstruction, that uncle eddy said something wasn't right about the accident investigation but he was never brought into questioning. She said she met someone who was a first-responder and I said "oh ok there's more than one left still alive" (and pointed out we met one when we had to take Chris to the ER when her head was bleeding on the driveway) but that first responder (through our conversation) wouldn't know about the accident reconstruction. My monster I guess started coming out when I started being compared to non-brain injured. I told this visitor we needed someone like her around here all these years instead of mom guessing all alone and the monster came out when I had to explain how innocent mom is not. That I was directed to stay away from vo-tech and things like that because "those people never go anywhere in life." Too much emotion right now. ... feeling life raped from today which is exhausting. Having to justify I'm disabled while having that same person - never mind. She's said the same as me that mom needs a hearing aid to adequately care for christine. I was sure to chime in that I've already been through that (and through that and through that and through that...) with mom. So many life rape things going thru my head. ... and there's mom in her rote prayer whispering feeling like she won a victory because someone she told 1/2 truth to in christine's disabled groups SEEMED to not agree with me. And the rape of my life will continue without intervention. ... when this visitor first got here today mom said for me to put the wheelchair away. (?!?!?!?!). I pointed it out to the visitor but don't know if the event registered. I went to the bathroom and when I came out asked if everyone was having coffee. The visitor said no and mom said yes so I made the usual 8 cups. We had some small talk about the deli she brought back the food from and it was when she was asking me what I do or work that I said I don't and I'm in protest over christine. When she said I went away for 20 years I heard mom in that statement and clarified I came back here not only to help clean mom's house (she conveniently doesn't remember) but I came back here for all my doctors appts. I also forgot to point out that after 2 years at the first college me and my then boyfriend were very significant in Christine's life when I brought a brand new puppy home. Mom the zombie doesn't get it but me and Kevin both saw the change in Christine that Chris went from being zombie-like to coming out of her shell (MOSTLY BECAUSE OF KEVIN with a sense of humor). I then had to explain NYC is nothing like upstate NY medical care. ... flashes of today by mom's "friend" who doesn't know mom as a friend at all because friends are honest. Lost my thought. ... she asked me about (2ndary thought) ... well one thing I do remember now is me asking this woman that when her father was against blacks (NOT EVEN GETTING INTO THAT HISTORY AROUND THIS HOUSE) if she had siblings around. Turns out she had six. I HAD NO ONE. It might even be this woman who has mom talking different on that issue these days. I will remind mom any time of the fight she had with Claire and Michelle from across the street YEARS AGO on that issue sitting at the dining room table. Everyone needs to remember mom grew up in ALL WHITE Ireland. ... I think what I was going to say is that when I heard our visitor ask mom the exact words I heard mom say that there's "nothing more they can do" and I informed her about the Kessler doctor for court that suggested locomotor training for christine's walking and we'd probably decline the botox injections for christine's arm but stem cell research is research now but when it is past the point of research christine will miss out because I'm not involved in her care. ...11/6/16 more flasbacks in my long term memory that I'm glad she spent a while talking about this because eventually I was able to dig far enough in clarifying that when I first went away to college I went away with someone I knew so the real world hadn't hit me yet (and didn't get to clarify that it was that way for a long time). That the first college is like an extension of high school. That only when all alone in a town near there did the real world hit me due largely due to social initiation/inhibition problems from brain injury. Flashes of mom saying people will tell you what you want to hear when I talked about the brain injury counselor who finally made my life crystal clear. HA! said by the one who has resorted to doing just that in her elder years of telling people (not what they want to hear but steer the story to make it go their way. ... I never got to say the newest lie I was brought up in revealed. That I was told and then went into the world saying that mom only went to that deli for bread and she already had bread in the house when we had our accident. Only in the last 3 years mom revealing other things she used to buy there. That doesn't mean she caused the accident. Her lying could cause doubt. Someone better reopen this case. Flashes of yesterday I have forgotten. It very well could be that she insisted she has to be right because she is convinced by what mom is saying. ... 11/7/16 had long dream involving young people or kids and a video game stops at a certain point indicating your status such as a white bug on a light blue background and the bug had 4 or 5 bars sticking out the top of its head and you would stop the bug moving across the screen indicating you were one of the young ones and I stopped it to indicate but I didn't record this upon waking so I don't remember. Claire didn't answer her phone yesterday so mom never heard from her. Claire not calling for weeks at a time is nothing new and happened for years. Meanwhile me and mom would talk everyday. Claire is the 3rd of us to get upset at mom's involvement / suggestions (today) BECAUSE IT'S NOT ENOUGH IN AMERICA AT LEAST I CAN SAY THAT FOR ME AND CHRIS. As far as Claire I'll guess it's because mom keeps telling her stuff Claire already declined. The potsdam witch's brew has had an affect now for 2 weeks. Claire should try to stop one or all of her herbs and see if that does the trick. For me it was bilberry juice. ... just called the suggestion given to me by this woman the other day and left a message. They are not going to help me legally I can guarantee. I'm not doing welfare or bankruptcy. ... and mom again didn't prepare by getting absentee ballot but she lucked out that her ride to doctor follow up is taking her. Living on luck instead of planning may work for her but completely short changed her children's lives (that lost thought) ... I got back from getting dinner and mom has a conversational friendly voice on. I eventually asked mom if she called the woman that was here the other day. She said she left her a message. THAT'S WHY MOM HAD ON THAT TONE OF VOICE FROM WHAT I CAN TELL - kind of like mom is always trying to start over. In this case I can guess mom thinks this woman will have finally put me in my place in mom's favor. Here I was tea never mind. ... 11/8/16 I have all the sleep I need for a long day today but flashbacks to our visitor the other day is making me tank. I feel like it's sinking in mom is listening and going by her these last 3 years while she only had mom's version which is not only incomplete but child abuse. Not sure I feel like getting up today. Flashes of her saying there's no way i'd be christine's medical guardian. Flashes of her saying Claire is it and me saying "CLAIRE IS NOT DOING IT." Flashes of her saying to forget about Chris and me feeling speechless. I don't think lying in bed is going to help. ... so I've taken the first step to go about my day. It's the only day in my life I have espn on in the morn. I really don't need to hear about killary who was suddenly running for NYS senate after I stood in front of the white house and got ZERO help. Flashes to mom sitting there like a spectator while me and this woman went at it. She told me I sound like Donald Trump. Well with mom's games of children of course I'll sound like him on immigration. Did she ever think Trump sounds like me instead of me sounding like Trump? 8/28/16 I'm pasting this here from mobile but I'm not fixing it. I'd rather go home, self medicate, and not wake up the way things are: 11/1/16 absolutely dying inside http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. this is the brain washed idiot Claire has become (as I have flashbacks to the conversations I had with Claire as to the suing mom I would have to do and airhead declared there's no way she could even contemplate that with the unspoken - or already discussed - motherhood revelation Claire attained). Christopher has probably been brainwashed the same meanwhile Claire professes obeying the law of the land. Poor christopher had to leave the service over a physical situation - not cognitive. Just dying inside http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. Me and Claire had this conversation in around 2002 - possibly earlier as i have draining flashes of losing my house while no one is protecting us. http://www.divorcesource.com/research/dl/childsupport/97oct188.shtml. ... 11/9/16 so I sound like trump Eh? I would be laughing but mom's eventual problem after I kept saying was "she probably doesn't care." How spine breaking telling and hurtful that was. Mom's just going to have a nightmare on her hands if this is not fixed. I will not be punished for the injury I received before the age of majority. ... if melania was in Slovenia in 1984 most likely that youngest son standing next to him has a heart defect from Chernobyl radiation. ... and there mom is at 4:15 pm learning the run around of getting services for Chris here when she gets home. The runaround I learned about 20 years ago. AGAIN I'M RIGHT HERE AND MORRISTOWN IS 20 MILES AWAY. ... fucking neauseated as I hear mom put on a sweet unassuming voice for these new found "friends" in christine's disabled groups. All of her friends have died or moved away and these people have no idea the ride this NYC immigrant is taking them on. She just got off the phone with one of them with the same name(sake) as the one that was here the other day. Fucking sick. Keep pushing me. Or get justice for these children before the age of majority. No worries. Alcohol is a few hours away. ... watching alaskan Bush people and have come. It's over but the primitive side of me is clear. How did they afford those glasses? ... 11/10/16 so this asshole immigrant is talking to her youngest sister overseas at 8:30 am and her youngest child had a baby out of wedlock. And I just ripped into her again for being the unrealistic sack of shit she is in America. Oh I sound harsh. At least I have a pulse right? So the agency I was referred to by the woman that was here never got back to me. Mom said she's got to get in touch with him. Riiiiiggghhtt now that my lack of silence is here it's not going to be so easy is it? Correction: my aunt's youngest DAUGHTER had a child out of wedlock. And this woman in America goes about her daily routine and I'm the walking dead over a failed America for a child left behind. Mom did start to tell her youngest sister I'm here but her sister had already moved on in the conversation. Flashes of her friend being here the other day saying there's no way I'll ever be medical guardian, etc ... waiting for my 2nd round of sleep. ... 11/10/16 mom just got driven home by a friend of the group not involved in handicapped groups and is in the happy oblivious voice mood. Wonder if she keeps up the denial across the board or goes at it from a different angle with each group. Flashbacks all day to the conversation here when mom was a spectator - an inappropriate immigrant spectator in the lives of injured children. I do have faith in the woman of the handicapped group to ultimately be honest. I've had precious illusions before. Flashback to her repeating what I said "this family has never dealt with this accident." I felt like she really heard me on that or didn't know what to say. I do suffer precious illusions. ... near 6:30 and time to get drunk. Mom talking to the woman that was here and it feels like I'm null and void. :-(((. I'm not important. My needs and christine's true wishes are null and void. ... precious illusions. ... fucking tanking. ... fucking tanking but at least some comfort for protestors saying same I say that their vote wasn't counted. I was injured before the age of majority. I need a lawyer. ... absolutely dying inside at the desertion of my care. Desertion I won't get through. Desertion of a child's future. The. ... on my second mug of Vodka because I can't sleep. Can't sleep. It will be interesting to see. Mom's sleeping soundly as always. Claire is plagued by the potsdam witch's brew. Robodick is bringing Chris home Saturday. Maybe he doesn't want to enter this house because of what rubbed off on Claire. Imagine the things airhead expected of me to be ok even though I was stuck in this house. The things Claire won't listen to. And now it's caught up with her? Fucking stupidity. Someone. ... had flashback I now forget. ... 11/11/16 I'm not sure why another Occupier Mike DG showed up in a dream out of the blue. His wife is MUCH LIKE Chelsea Lyons Kent but other than that have no idea. Also Mike is the embodiment of what my ex copied. In other words Mike is the NYC man type that my ex was a wannabe of. Dying inside. ... 3 hours sleep and waiting to go back to bed. Mom asked if I was making coffee - the same hint dropping she does with Claire. Dying inside. ... the other thing about Mike DG was his aloofness in trust but that's typical of NYC'ers. I went out of my way to explain myself to him once and the next time I saw him in-person instead of online he was straight faced with some attitude. I never conversated with him after that. I was able to see at one point he was carrying out work to increase union numbers. The lack of depth in his "preaching" revealed that but of course someone did a number on ruining my reputation in NYS. Lots of lies about me. I still have very pleasant memories of the girl from Newburg and Judy from California is unforgettable. ... ok looked up his wife's forgotten name and found wrong is wright. Don't know if they're still up there. If he's in the ... 11/12/16 getting ready for more life rape. I told mom robodick will have to help her set up her heart monitor and I was right. Just had it out with her how aloof her immigrant ass is to a child's medical life in America. Consumed with a melania timeline but not enough sleep to be gone for the day like I planned but being life raped again soon. Fucking kill this stupid bitch if - oh she just had to push my buttons this fucking harassing child needs to be sent out of this country. This fucking child ... They're here. Fuck yeah and there he is calling mom by her first name and I have a knife and I'm barely able to charge my phone and see what I'm typing. And I want to kill this intruder. And there she is laughing with him over the heart monitor and I'm traumatized and I'm traumatized and I'm traumatized and their laughing hospice looks like a house and Chris is laughing and I'm traumatized and robodick is talking and this family doesn't need him he said "christine see you later" and I have no idea what brain washing he did to her and I'm traumatized. And I'm traumatized and I think of my fellow ex-illuminati. Not sure why I called them fellow. And I'm traumatized. What brain washing did he do to christine???? Will I get enough sleep for tomorrow? And the potsdam witch's brew is to take final effect on Claire if I have my way. And Chris is letting out her frustrations. Not the happy happy happy shit of Claire. And this family was destroyed rather than helped by Cristina Mirda as she stated her pointlessness of how sad the situation is in court. WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD THAT HAVE IN A JUDGE'S DECISION TO GET PROPER CARE TO SOMEONE WHO HAS SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH AND IS ENTITLED TO TREATMENT? Suffer the brew you jackass. Suffer the brew.. so what's happening is robodick and airhead are getting Chris ready for institutionalized life. And I just told Chris about the wool being pulled over her eyes that it's Claire and rich getting her happy about institutionalized life and they won't be taking her in. And THAT'S why I need to be included in her care and she looked at me when I said that as if she resents hearing that again when she doesn't know what it means. Burn in hell cristina Mirda or fucking do what's right and fix this. Until then burn in hell. ... and I just walked Chris through the institutionalized life she doesn't realize she's being prepared for and that mom is not explaining it to her and Chris said "what is it?" And mom said nothing so I assisted saying "mom?!" And mom said she was asking me and I verified with Chris and Chris said it again verifying she was asking mom and mom said nothing. ... and I again went out and said why mom won't answer Chris and mom pulled her shit there's nothing to answer starting in with her vagueness and THIS TIME Chris chimed in "why she's not..." trailing off because she doesn't understand anything being explained to her. So I finish the sentence "involved in her care???" And mom says nothing. I NEED A WITNESS HERE. THIS WOMAN WILL GLADLY HAVE ME JUST SPIN IN CIRCLES. my screaming got more frantic that our lives are in her hands. And airhead and robodick use this screaming against me. This disability harassment that elicits disability rage. Chris doesn't know how to rise above mom. I've been in those shoes. Otherwise I never would have gone to or finished college. ... and mom turned the tv off and asked Chris if she was ok and I yelled out "how bout answering her question?" And mom was silent until I heard mom whisper to herself "ok" and I yell out no it's not ok etc and right up to now no answer about Chris being institutionalized when happens Chris will NEVER see me again as that is not what was agreed upon in court and I will not have this situation play out like this. Have I gotten a job like I said I wouldn't until this is fixed? Exactly. ... just socked it to this no good immigrant again about christine's silence that only exists because of mom's manipulation. I hope the pacemaker recorder is getting all of this at 3:15pm. We would have been better off with dad's side of the family who are educated. Not this old irish shit we were left in as I have messaged Oprah Winfrey about her colossal failure of me as I cried out to her as a minor and was ignored. Medically ignored. Mom denied what she said to the woman that was here last week. I told that woman we needed someone like her here years ago who lives in reality. ... and so I should just do away with all 3 of us. Chris eventually came out and said she's ok with institutionalized life and that's fine. I was ok with nursing home life. What Chris doesn't realize is no one will ever take her to get better in those conditions. ... and every time I roll by I yell out in harassment to christine so she gets it. She's resorted to being compared to those with Down Syndrome which she is not and something has snapped in me. And mom pulled one of her shit lies before that she was asked at Kessler who was going to pay for christine to get better. The insurance covers us for life stupid bitch. SHE KNOWS THIS. ... and I drink some more as I flash back to this moron playing games of what we've already been thru time and again of Chris missing out with mom under the radar. Never will that happen again. ... and I read some of the above to this medically useless immigrant and if only I could carry out murder. And my charger came apart and I put it back together. And murder is all I flash in my mind. And my jaw hurts bad today and I welcome death. And I only have Vodka left and I think back to the life I lost all because of christine because mom wouldn't look into any programs for her until Claire refused to watch her when mom went away and by then I was almost 30. And Claire has the least brain damage. Sear and burn in the fucking brew. And I will regret all this Vodka tomorrow. Trauma at what our guardian did to us flashes as this asshole before trying to explain a guardianship to ME when she doesn't have a fucking clue. And why is it warming up tomorrow? Because Claire's brew is being broken? And I only want to set us free by killing this bitch. The prayers of children handed me a life of precious illusions - the whole catholic elementary school prayed for us everyday at opening morning prayer and then when it was announced we were coming home for Christmas(?) or maybe the announcement I was coming home for Thanksgiving weekend cheers went up in the school IF I REMEMBER RIGHT. We had no business being left with this woman. Dad's side of the family could have taken better care of us but Claire's godfather declining to give her away from Belle Harbor says it all. I was just still oblivious at the time. ... and this time when I went out Aunt Maureen was on the phone so I yelled and mom said it was me and this is how am operates these days so it seems so I said what am said once "I would never tell my kids to go to college" because she doesn't know anything about it and mom started in about a lawyer to get me out and I reminded her I've been telling her that for 3 years and am doesn't have children injured b4 the age of majority. And am doesn't have a child with a brain injury and mom recently changed her story for PG and will she change her story BACK for am (about going to college)???? Robodick today really set me off and something snapped. I'm hoarse from yelling. I also yelled that I hope am is recording (for the purposes of what her sister didn't do for her handicapped children). Mom asked "what handicaps?" FUCKING STUPID but like an ass I answered Chris is obviously handicapped from a coma longer than me etc. ... woke up and mom sitting in chair with no tv on. Is she thinking anything? I'm sick to my stomach and gave Oprah a piece of my mind today. I'm sick. ... all these years quiet while she was on the phone. Let's try something new. You know what? it's time to drink even though my throat is burning.... 11/13/16 all that sleep but don't feel like getting out of bed. ... and it's only a matter of the final act and returning to peace. And these immigrant moron sisters left me to be married off. ... what's the point of talking. Just want. I don't know what mom's not telling me. I and we need a protector that can provide protection. We need communication. And this ... when I went to the bathroom before I walked by saying "institutionalized life for christine and no family to be seen again." Because something in me has snapped. On the way back I asked Chris if she has Down Syndrome and she said no and I said at least that's good - that she knows that doesn't apply to her. ... and it's a warm day and mom and Chris are going out. Probably to church and to eat and I cry out for help. And robodick called the place Chris was staying "hospice." Der! And I cry out for legal help of this family. ... and I lay in bed and have my well being raped by apathy(?). And mom said (I think) that she forgot the door opener. Oh well. She's on her own. And Chris is stressed out by mom's goings on. And this family needs legal help. ... and I'm traumatized. ... the chocolate almond milk was good. The coffee I threw out. I ate heated mozzarella cheese w pepper. We need a lawyer. ... no answer about if christine gets evicted from her institution like I did. ... another example of the advances Chris is missing out on without my involvement: : http://www.sciencealert.com/this-world-first-brain-implant-is-letting-a-locked-in-woman-communicate and the date is 11/15/16. ... 11/16/16 so the potsdam witch's brew has spread from Claire's bowels to a swollen leg. Claire won't go for a blood test coz it costs "thousands of dollars" without insurance. If Claire got a diagnosis for brain damage from 3 vehicle accidents and the drugs she did in high school she would pay $0 for a blood test because she would receive back pay of her injury and be put on Medicare. Is mom considering me now? As heated as it was we need dialogue around here as when that woman was here and I expect to be compensated from morris county for the stupendous undue hardship I've had to endure. Oh and Claire's house is up for sale. Where's she going? GA to abandon obligations to Chris and that's why the two of them are candy-coatedly getting Chris ready to be institutionalized? I'm right here ignoring mom's stares as she's had all this time to fix this and I continue to drink. ... fucking drugs. It's 11/18/16 and I go out to add instant coffee to mom's shopping list for the next time she takes me up on my suggestion to have customer service help her shop. As I'm looking for a coupon I see a prescription to a physiatrist in morristown and mom says she's not going to be filling it for christine's transportation. THAT'S MOM'S USUAL. I remind her the doctor at Kessler for the get-better plan is a physiatrist. She can't even pronounce the word. Yesterday when they came home I asked where they ate and Chris gave the wrong answer just like Saturday when Chris said they went to an appt and mom corrected her they went to her handicapped activity. This time though mom heard her give the wrong answer again and mom coldly and scoldly corrected Chris and I know exactly why Chris flew into a rage. We are tired of being left with this negative reinforcement over things we can't help. Flasbacks to the woman here who said none of us should be caring for christine. I've also had another flashback about her that I don't remember right now. ... 11/21/16 how ironic. Mom and Chris came home from the transportation appt that Chris doesn't have a falling problem and Chris fell. I'm not sure why the police wore gloves this time. New procedure. Chris says she's not hurt but that can't be trusted always. Obeying mom is first and foremost (or there might be hell to pay). It turns out they've been doing the glove wearing. I just wasn't there to witness. To be continued … I don't get headaches but been getting little ones on the right side. Is it finally time to leave this planet like Tammy Wynette? The things people don't know. Tbc … so the witch's brew has Claire by the bowel, swollen leg(s), and now the back. And Claire figured out somehow to go for a blood test. There was more that's been happening but can't remember right now. ... fuck I was right Claire never got the message but mom didn't admit that to me. (Mom had been leaving Claire a voice mail and was looking at me to know what the time was as if it's that important for mom to give her that information but the message cut her off because she went quiet so she had to leave another one which didn't go through AS I SAID. Fucking go!… 11/22/16 life has evolved into christine being thankful when things are done that will shut mom up from stressing her out. I was on hold over my late registration and mom just did her usual complaining about how much pain she's in and she thinks she hears the garbage truck. 1/2 thinking I just picked up the garbage bags and took them out with my cell phone in hand on speaker phone. You could hear the joy and relief in christine's voice as she thanked me and said that I was doing it. Of course I didn't respond though as this existence shouldn't be. I'm still trying to re-remember events from the past few days. ... and at 10pm 11/22/16 (no typo) I got woken up by Chris falling again only this time she didn't fall to the floor. A chair by her saved her. But mom already got her way of a transportation that will take her 2ce a week. Mom also had a pleasant conversation with the social worker of how their appt went and you should have heard the southern comfort sweetness in her voice to Chris tonight after she fell. What new found copycat bullshit of the caretakers of christine's handicapped groups. Because that's what immigrants do. ...11/25/16 so airhead uses her new found research tool of the internet to find out Alfalfa helps the swelling in her legs go down. She's feeling pretty good today. The witch's brew won't keep her feeling like shit I guess. For all the pain I put myself in yesterday I had to get out my old alfalfa pills and white willow bark tea. I have no business helping mom in and out of a back seat Lest I put myself in pain like this again. So today life flashes from growing up in this house happened when I put some tea to steep with one mug covering over the cup and herb ball with a handle just fine until I rolled out of the room and soon after it crashed to the floor - mom's hardwood floors must be to blame for floor shaking (I've done this everyday since and no problems but I also sit by it). So mom's nerves initially came to surface when she saw me try to balance the top mug first. She sounds as bad as when she's a passenger in a car on the highway. So I roll out of her kitchen hardwood floors to her living room ones since I was extremely bored just sitting there watching one mug on top of the other. Turned on tv about to watch segment and here the commotion in the kitchen of mom screaming at me how stupid I am and I scream back how she ruined lives like that not letting children learn from mistakes and Chris started going on at the commotion but Chris has the same complaints about mom. So after the crash I cleaned it up and took out another (matching) mug to go over the cup and mom starts screaming/crying "you're going to break another mug on me!?" And I say "would you stop?!" And mom is silent. Many times that's all she needs that no one is here to protect us from this loose cannon. When she pulled that shit on the love of my life he said "look why don't you just do this..." and it snapped her out of her loose cannon ways. Flashes back to the woman that was here recently who I would expect to do the right thing but I suffer precious illusions. I emailed some officials after Chris almost fell to the floor recently and they can't talk to me coz I'm not in the guardianship. Something mom grotesquely gloats about as children lose their lives. ... 11/28/16 unbelievable morning being woken up by the doorbell and mom going on and I ask who it is and her answer indicates it's the social worker here to have more papers signed and mom takes so long to open the garage that the social worker calls on the phone and mom struggles her way to the phone stressing us out and tells her about coming in the garage. From the back of the house taking my first morning pee I can hear the garage only open a little and yell to mom to keep going. She can't hear me so I yell louder. I then hear her going on as if I'm the problem and I hear the garage open a bit more and I yell to keep going so she starts screaming she can't hear me and Chris joins in yelling at mom so by the time I come out and the social worker is here Chris is all frazzled and I'm sure to relate we just had a screaming match because mom won't get a hearing aid (this is after mom called all of this blaggarding as she presses the garage door opener for the third time). So when Chris is going on that "this is all wrong" the social worker is saying "it's alright" and I let her know it's because of the screaming match we just had and mom looks at me and avers "this is my problem" and I think it's then that I say "Seeee" and as mom signed the papers I asked about Chris falling again and mom did her usual that it was only because of the day and Chris walking down the ramp and I said "what about her falling the next night on her chair in her room" (after I did another "Seeee") and the social worker said that's why she's trying to get someone in here for help throughout the day. After the social worker leaves mom calls the woman who was here recently about a major event Chris will be going to and mom does her usual as if it's no big deal that she "has a little problem driving at night" and I don't know the conversation that transpired but mom feels comforted in having things the way they are. I really need to clean up this story when nonmobile. It's not easy doing it like this. ... and I just read the above to mom and instead of conversate about REAL problems is only defensive until eventually like a child says "I have a roof over my head and you don't" and although I shouldn't have to I say "and whose fault is that?" I do. No one will ever know the depth of what we were put through being released to this house as children. No justice and to be cared for my childishness. After I finished reading this to mom I said " do you know how negligent you sound to the world?" That I needed a social worker around here like that as a teen but mom used the tactic of fear to stay away from those people lest I be made to leave home like Claire was. And as I remind her of all this history she doesn't remember supposedly. I'm glad Danielle was here to semi-witness this today. Will someone save me????? Cleaning lady coming today. To get drunk or not to get drunk. To drink or not to drink as children's lives whittle away due to Judge Deanne m. wilson. ... and so I drink. Save me!!!! Save me!!!! Get me a viable life. SAVE ME. SAVE ME! . .. dying inside for the children left behind. Absolutely dying. Got one hour sleep and need to take shower if going to get more alcohol. Who left us here to stay traumatized? Earlier telling mom about our needs in our own country and she said she'll ship me back to Ireland where "they'll kick me in the ass" and I said "like I said we need to be protected by the laws of our own country and not the threat of violence." The cleaning lady was here then. No one for my trauma. To stay drinking or to shower? To stay in bed or to shower? Trauma. ... I'm nonmobile but no time to fix this story. Before I left tonight me and chris had to do the usual of call a sleeping mom so she doesn't complain about missing world news and I tell her she's going to have to pick up christine's pen chris just dropped and she tells me to pick it up and as soon as stupid came out of her mouth I said about some foreigner abusing the laws of this country. and then it hit me that mom had laws in this country protecting Christine and protected Claire and I'm the only one that not only has no laws protecting an injured child but also the one to lose out. I don't feel like doing much editing to this. I just want to go home and self medicate. NOTE TO SELF: I'VE BEEN HERE FOR GOING ON TWELVE HOURS WITH ACCOUNT PROBLEMS AND ENERGIES TOWARD AFRICA AND AMERICA ENVIRONMENTS. NEED TO PROOF READ ALL FROM THE FIRST 11/28/16 TO THE END BELOW - done 12/7/16. 11/30/16 and I just had to tell mom the tv is too loud for Chris and she started to argue with me but turned down the tv. And mom came out of the shower without a towel because she's in too much pain to bother with it and it's clear mom shouldn't be caring for Chris if she's in this much pain. And I stay glued to "I'm not doing a damn thing" the more this injustice carries on. ... a couple times today mom talked about getting a taxi for her and Chris Saturday so mom has money going up in flames of pride rather than providing adequate family care. And I lay here as the day turns into night as our lives were failed by morris county. ... asked mom if Claire said why christopher hasn't called back and mom said she doesn't know that Claire doesn't keep track of him and I said "why not? He's a developmentally disabled child" and mom scoffed and I clarified "ADULT disabled child" and then I said how the cycle of neglect continues in Claire and it would have been more so if I had kids. I actually understand christopher that due to his disability he spent most time with his mother so does things like her like refusing to have the unaccountable government operate on his hernia so he was released from the Marines instead. Same here that christopher probably knows about my talk of the witch's brew in this house and believes his mother picked something up here so stays away. Funny how Claire and robodick don't do laying on of hands anymore to heal their infirmities. Like I tried to tell Claire long ago after YEARS of questioning and weighing, they were merely the witnesses of Wiccan activity OR a witness of the Amish witch activity in Ohio. Flashes of things I didn't get to say to that woman when she was here and I'm blank right now about those flashes for the most part but she has no idea how much of an act mom puts on. I can't believe the ABSOLUTE NEGLECT here. Anyways as I make bodily noises like a child would do and christine laughs like a child would do I guess we all know who the child abusers aiding and abetting are. ...that's odd. At 3:19am 12/1/16 a harassing ring came in on mom's phone. I was just in the middle of fighting with that woman who came here (in my head) too. This narcissist is out there sleeping just fine while her children are tormented. ... well I had no idea I was that close. Bilberry juice v.s. glucose problems (as Claire's blood test reveals). ... turns out christopher is living back home and when I rubbed it in mom was sure to be defensive he's working everyday and I immediately said "that doesn't mean he's making it out in the world." Just like me. Just coz I was in school, just coz I was away, just coz I lived in an abode I bought DOESN'T MEAN I'm making it out in the world. Flashes of Betsy telling me I was making it but I knew I would sink w/o her son. And that I did. :-(. ... note for tomorrow christine's sleeveless coat ?... 12/2/16 so much time has been wasted all these months that christine has been here and now she has a new transportation for a few days a week. Christine's work gave mom a problem that her work are for those independent and Chris can't get the sleeve of her jacket off by herself so she's not independent. Mom will be having Chris go to work everyday now in a sleeveless jacket even in winter. That's the usual that instead of dealing with issues from a medical standpoint mom does what she can. Same happened with me and college and local high school testing. After I went to the high school nurse SENIOR YEAR for a hearing test and my disability testing started mom asked her friend margaret what to do. Margaret referred her to a neuropsychologist in NYC. That NYC doctor recommended Marist which is relatively close to home. Marist wouldn't accept me so instead of calling professionals mom had her uneducated cousin Ann call with her and and they still said no (even though I was to be in the special needs program). That was the end of it. That's a pattern. All of this raping of my long-term life just because mom is left in charge. Waiting for the next disaster after losing all my credit, my house, my future. Mom doesn't realize Danielle is young and new on the job and that's why things are going rosy OR mom knows exactly what she's doing like when she insisted we were better with a male insurance case worker because the women aren't as easily a push over. ... so as mom and Chris are leaving the house mom says "What are you doing down there?" I had her phone on speaker phone and the facebook corporate message was playing and I had to put my ear closer coz I couldn't hear over mom's talking. Only then does the hearing aid caregiving refuser realize her phone is on speaker phone. The woman who was here recently just called. Mom is/was quiet today and the precious illusion side of me says it's because it's finally hitting mom that based on Christopher I was never A-Ok either and she made a big mistake while the history -tracking side of me says she's hiding something like Claire surrounding Christopher's birth. ... and as Josh groban is on I show mom THE SIMPLE FUCKING VIOLIN I WANTED TO PLAY. mom could answer how many sisters I have but not how many I can depend on. ... so mom is on the phone with aunt Maureen and I read today's events aloud and eventually mom hangs up with her because background noise is a problem and mom tells me AM is calling 911 and I tell mom to go ahead and drop poison in my drink while I'm gone and I tell mom when I come back to not lie like she just did. ... absolutely dying inside. This woman left to our american care. Lots of fighting 12/2. ... supposed to be awake and showered in an hour but since only 3 hrs sleep and the new post office person is ripping me off. Not only no sleep but I try to make plans with this bag of rocks for Sunday and all she does is say no no no and make everything difficult and I told her if this is the 1/2 ass information she gives to pat guide just to hear what she wants of course I wind up teaching pat guide a thing or two instead of vice versa. ... 12/4/16 absolutely dying inside without a father or mentor for proper guidance in America. Trying to sleep. 12/7/16 So calls me for help this morning. I think I was working on getting back to sleep. christine's bus had been late so they had to come back inside and sit down after the guy in charge said he needed to send someone else because the other guy was new and got lost. She asked me to answer the phone in case it was him calling because he didn't come on time. So I relayed the message it will be another half hour with another driver. They come in and sit down and I hear what I think is saying "I hope I can get back up." Sure enough she is going on about having a problem and cries/yells me to come help her out of the chair and I reel about what she would do without me. I get down the stairs and she's whining (which after the burden she's been carrying is understandable. dealt with productively? no. Understandable? yes.) she can't get up from the seat. So she has me put my arm out so she can grab it and falls back to the seat on the first try. I widen my stance for better balance and it's a success and I tell her to sit on the side (the arm rest). 3 times didn't understand me but finally got it. After I wake up Christopher makes a surprise visit which all worked out for me as usual. I hear him say about his mother that he doesn't know much about what's wrong with her. WTF? What can I say? ... I went down to Christine today because mom is too slow these days when she does errands and wasn't back in time. When Chris was taking her jacket off she asked me to do one side and I asked if people at shop help her and she said sometimes. The disabled man fellow passenger today said he wants to marry Christine as relayed through the driver. The driver thought I was my mother I guess because that's what he expected. ... and what's happened in the past couple days is I had to use mom's car and like a normal person adjusted the mirrors as I needed them. That is a real problem for mom who needs someone around to help her live the modern technological world. She insinuates I did something to the mirrors and she's going to have to go to her mechanic to ask for them to be fixed and I COMPLETELY pointed out that is a sure indication something is REALLY wrong - and she's left to care for Christine??? So at some point I go to her and show her the motions her hand has to go through to adjust the passenger side mirror. Then the next day she says I broke it. LIFEFLASH. That's something she would say to her sister who was the drunk of the family and correctly identified me as not being the dead child due to ear piercings. ... 12/12/16 so there is a bunch of things these past couple of days I'll have to get to, won't be able to get to due to forgetting, or will wind up remembering sometime in the future. As a matter of fact I've forgotten already. I do know the cleaning of a brace that covers up the medical condition revealed by the dirtiness of the brace (that was first pointed out by my doctor for Christine during guardianship proceedings) is sad, abusive, and desperate. Mom is free to have her immigrant paranoia that her freak foreign child is after her money but when that gets in the way of an incompetent's medical condition and places the incompetent in danger (APPROVED BY A JUDGE) that is a different story. 12/12/16 I contemplated whether I would have another drink for more sleep but these drug events helped that decision. Mom is doing everything possible to have things done her way which puts our medical lives at risk. All the extra needed information for christine I have no idea if it's going down a rabbit hole. Today mom can't go help Chris upon arriving home. I hope everything is ok. To avoid mom-stress I notice Chris takes little steps when walking lately to help avoiding falling. (In other words Christine is doing everything possible to avoid mom's overt reactions and screaming if anything happens). I notice christine's ... nm this info is going into a rabbit hole. I remember what I was going to say. I caught christine doing the other day what I did right up to my 40s and even today - seeking mom's approval regardless of all else. I'm totally in touch with the sibling life of christine and being stuck at home Saturday I came across a Little House marathon I knew she would enjoy as that is the vocational family life we did growing up ( minus mom who didn't watch tv). After about 4 or 5 shows Chris wanted her game shows on until some other old shows started which I told her about. She put on the channel I told her at the designated time and when The Incredible Hulk came on mom said "now what's this crazy show?" and I said "what we watched growing UP!" as mom is completely aloof to the damage she's done she defensively says "well I don't know..." We've been thru this before not only the damage "crazy" does to the brain-injured but we had a life with our father she is oblivious to. But being in the mindset I was always in (possibly because of what Claire set in motion) Christine happily sets out to explain we used to watch The Hulk and Wonder Woman "before the accident" and disconnected mom says "yeah?" ... the other thing is that the new drivers are leaving the vehicle to help Christine. Are they going against protocol? The mentally handicapped gentleman who said he wanted to marry christine had started running toward me that day and the black driver with black Harlem Globe Trotter humor stopped him in a humorous way. Chris deserves to have sibling(s) like she once did. ARE YOU LISTENING JUDGE DEANNE M. WILSON, CRISTINA MIRDA ESQ, AND STEVEN J STRAUB??? you won your cases and left lives to rot worse than before scumbags. JUST WHEN THINGS WERE FINALLY GOING TO HAPPEN FOR CHILDREN LEFT BEHIND BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO DEAL WITH MIRDA'S "SAD" - NESS YOU GO AND MAKE IT THAT MUCH SADDER. YOU FED IN TO A PARANOID IMMIGRANT WHO NEVER RECEIVED HELP FOR HER VERY REAL PROBLEMS. ... so me and Chris enjoy Body Language because it's a lot like $25,000 Pyramid and we're watching after mom walked to the kitchen and I can't remember if it was Jason Bateman or Kim Fields (short term memory - because this just happened in the last 15 minutes) but the word popped up on the screen and the players got it right and Chris said "I thought it was "?" and I asked Chris if she could see the word on the screen and she said no and I said I would just let the whole world know because no one is listening to me that by not wearing her glasses her guardian is not taking care of her. She didn't answer me as to all the Family Died answers she can't see [I totally don't know what I intended to type here]. Mom is now talking to an automated system. ... so even though mom comes from countries(s) run by female presidents mom bows to patriarchy due to The Way International and the embarrassment I was to her toppled off by her lawyers who convinced her guardianship objection is a bad thing. Mom learned from aunt Maureen how to handle boys and although I know she plays along, it is utter bullshit in her life that she not only backed down to robodick but christopher and tj as well. Mom is playing the part of someone who is not her. DANGER. you know I wonder if I was john f Kennedy in a past life who was killed for his danger about secret societies but I don't think I have his eyes. Jesus said the eyes are the window to the soul and that's what he meant. ... and I decide to sleep my day away again instead of do an overnight. Got woken up by the loud tv mom can't do without and christine suffers through. It's just like on Friday when I brought dinner home and mom's christmas music doll was playing loud and it was annoying and Chris told mom to shut it off and I let it be known how me and Chris are the same with that. Flashes to Rosemary Kennedy who suffered delayed birth brain damage (and at 8:24 pm we got a harassing phone ring just before aunt Maureen that mom called to make herself feel better - and now talking about a baby born) and how Rosemary was known to stare at a blank wall for hours. - I've done the same. ... I wasn't too far off about the drugs either. Whitney Houston moved from Newark to Mendham whereby she spiraled down in a world of drugs. Told-you-so! ... 12/15/16 and I'm forgetting the dream now but everyone was mad at me which was consistent. And I don't know why the energy companies are calling me when I don't own the house anymore. Mom said maybe it wasn't sold and I said her and Claire should have found that out. And I only want this life over as getting "help" for my problems only cost me all legal rights but the potsdam witch's brew got Claire. Suffer ... 12/17/16 so I'll guess the plan was foiled again to simply rub hands and say "my job is done." Claire's not around anymore to help mom clear out the house quickly. I have a feeling that first happened when surrogate papers were mailed to me without preparation. Mom just goes on constantly stressing everyone out but since Chris is not verbal mom just gets away with it. This time the foiling seems to be the witch's brew of Claire's new diagnosis of diabetes. Claire's not around anymore to help mom clear out the house quickly. Judge Deanne Wilson surely fed into the loose cannon doing the same behavior of just wanting to be done with this responsibility and that I'm "fine." I guess if you consider all the beer guzzling Claire did in high school followed by chronic yeast infections there might be a tie-in. Add in all the extra drinking she did dealing with the stress of marriage and child rearing. There goes mom with outbursts stressing us out. I'm at fault for convincing Claire garlic would get rid of her yeast infections 20(?) years ago and by the time I found out it was most likely Susan Powter's apple cider vinegar 15(?) years later Claire had already refused to take me in from a nursing home eviction (FUCKING STUPID) so it's her loss. At least I was the one to start Claire on the road to herbs. Before that we just happened to simultaneously be following the fruit regiment of Fit For Life which is probably what gave me an alkaline system. And yet another example of mom's loose cannon denial that she's throwing away the receipts of christine's last respite stay (or one of them) instead of submitting to the insurance for reimbursement. Items were a cheeseburger from East Hanover Diner; and something from walmart with (ARC) listed - HEARTBREAK. There was another item as well. And I think of all the medical abuse I've endured being kept out of services that could have helped me. Flashes to algebra that made no sense to me and I failed miserably so I was put in remedial geometry and did so well at it that I was put back into regular algebra /trig where I failed miserably again. No one in high school to explain to me it is simply the manipulation of numbers by using letters. And the mother of the non-handicapped child I was compared to growing up probably helped feed into the denial. The old irish thinking that goes on vacation from (?). And aunt Maureen's second oldest child is scheduled to come here to drop something off who is married to a guy from the town we had our accident in. When I used to belch loudly after Fit For Life it was constant laughter for christine but it was no laughing matter that once mom heard her cousin's daughter had the same situation I was simply compared. The sonogram had already revealed I had nothing wrong with me so I must just be swallowing too much air (?!?!???). Then at 21 when it was discovered I had loose teeth I was compared to the 50 year old genetics of mom's other cousin. The price paid for mom's comfort that "nothing's wrong" only uplifted and further comforted by Morris County. ... UNBELIEVABLE! This whole family. Does not want to hear or deal with my disability! At least taking my internet information. Brushes off the notion of developmental disability as if it's no big deal. Fucking drugs and mom is just standing there as that I'm crazy. Unbelievable. My cousin Says I can work so nothing wrong. Unbelievable. Actually I wasn't thinking clearly at the time that - if I can work - where was she when NYS declared me unemployable (until I go to Sunnyview for pharmacological and other treatment)??? But like I've said before this joke of an Irish life in America is very different than on the main land. On the main land every one is very involved in each other's lives. NOT in America. Me being away for so long only fed the sickness mom has. Mom stood there waiting for another victory. Being here would have made things worse. Being away kept everyone just as aloof. Feeling life rape. Unbelievable. I came out and admitted I don't do a damn thing and the reasons why. When she (my cousin) said I'm not doing anything to better the situation 30 years of my life flashed before my eyes. They need to read my blog. Just total denial of the inappropriateness that forms the incomplete adult who's had the incomplete child medical life. Doesn't even matter (forgot what I was going to say). Anyway the attitude is just the sting of justice that no one cares about. ... I actually hope I'm not repulsive. It could be they don't know what to say to me with mom there. In a court of law there are no secrets. Precious illusions feel they'll take an interest in my online info I gave them. Feeling the sting of the silence around justice. ... my long term flashback memory now comes back that my cousin said my blog is my truth. THE AIR! THERE WAS MEDICAL NEGLECT - A REPORTING IF YOU WILL OF THE UNREPORTED. THAT IS NOT TRUTH. THAT IS WORKING TO SAVE A LIFE!!! HOW DOES NO ONE SEE THIS???? ... 12/18/16 and here I am with a few hours sleep at 1am beside myself of child medical neglect. No one knows untreated seizures increase brain damage so they don't know how drug addicted around children they sound. Just dying inside but going onto round 2 instead which hasn't been helping lately coz I been staying awake. Just dying inside as to the silence instead of proactive in the lives of children. 4:30am and still awake and in despair. Mom was a casey Anthony. In our small town it is easily verifiable mom used to go to that deli. Where was the lie? To the court? To only me? To? ... 12/20/16 I woke up later than I wanted. Have a full 8 hours sleep. Made a full pot of coffee and mom told me the coffee is done (we had already been through it that when I make the coffee it's too much for her so I need to get my coffee first) and after I pour mine she asks me to pour christine's (nice try happens all the time) and I put it back saying "no you can do it" and she protests saying it's too heavy for her full like that and I say it's back to the usual amount she does every day and she says " it's still too heavy" and I say "you should tell the surrogate's court that" and out comes her noise of disgust with disregard for our legal and medical rights. Leah Remini said it perfect last night on A&E that the anger is elicited out of the victim so that they look like the crazy person and the problem. Then the brainwasher just keeps getting away with brainwashing. More elements of our lives are coming from Remini such as that and other things she said. Tom Cruise is only significant with Claire re: the movie Top Gun unless there's something I don't know how Scientology plays in to Claire's group. ... I could always tank again today instead of my plans. Mom's on a senior abuse kick again and I don't know where she's getting it from. Then again I have to send those pictures of medical neglect to the right person. ... 12/21/16 I have so much murderous rage dripping from my lips. I'm not sure if Claire sounds like this family or my cousin has spent too much time with Claire in the "so what?" attitude/look. It's quite possible my family is going into retreat from me thinking this I have hate toward them. Before even addressing that issue there was CHILD that NEEDED to be given proper building block for life. DISCONNECT ... so the previous was written after 12am and now that I'm awake I've tanked for the day. When I got home last night with dinner from KFC mom questioned the dinner she requested because she lacks cognitively connecting what she hears on the phone with what she can visualize. Most likely that's a huge reason she was disconnected from my NY life. Then she complained about cutting the chicken breast for Chris that she can't do it anymore and we had a repeat of the surrogate's court from yesterday. I followed that up with the chosen children pics on the christmas tree being the same as the ones that were never put back up after some supposed painting. I got no response when I asked if it was an old erse folktale that keeping the pics of the damned souls (like me) up is exposing the innocent (like her) to evil. - paraphrase. ... 12/22/16 mom thought she was going to dupe me into doing dinner. I was doing my first meal of the day when they got home. It was going to be 3 pieces of bacon and 2 eggs. She tells me to put up an extra piece of bacon - for her. Ok. (I can sense though she's doing an unspoken exchange with Christine). Then she says to Chris maybe they'll just have bacon and eggs for dinner. So I take the 4 pieces of bacon and put 4 more on and to her surprise tell her to turn them when she needs and take off with my own. I had already told her she may not like how I do the eggs: pour out the bacon fat, add a little butter. She insisted it would be ok so I did the above and put a cover on the 4 eggs. She asked me why I was leaving after 2 minutes and I said I give them 4 minutes. DAH! ALOOF THAT HER OWN NOBODY-TAUGHT-HER-HOW-TO-COOK-AND-SHE-JUST-DID-IT-WHEN-HAD-TO DOES NOT APPLY TO HER HANDICAPPED CHILD ESPECIALLY AND ALSO THAT'S WHY SHE STOPPED ME FROM DOING THESE THINGS UPON ARRIVAL FROM SERIOUS INJURIES IN A HOSPITAL. THE GUARDIAN WE HAD NO MEDICAL PROTECTION FEOM. Pat guide came here today and my heart sank when she said she hasn't been able to read my blog all this time. She noted her computer is being fixed but that doesn't explain why her sister(?) couldn't view it either :-(. So sad. So sad today I tanked. Oh back to the eggs, after she had hers and after I told her the yolk is only semi soft she says she usually breaks hers so she may not like it. I WARNED HER. the only devastating part is the continued criticism that negatively affects me and Chris that it will be easier for Chris to recover from due to long term memory loss - than for me. Hope Claire is enjoying her suffering for leaving us in this static atmosphere. ... AS ALWAYS TRANSFERRED IN FROM G+ POST FROM 2014: 12/27/16 so mom tried to pull a fast one on me again by not telling me visiting nurses is coming here for Chris. Her plan actually backfired as now I can't take a shower and will be here when they get here. I planned on being at the library all day. There go those plans. ... 12/29/16 I'm tanking. Had plans to do an 8 or 9 hour day but a follow-up call from the person who was here the other day called. I'm thinking I should stick around to find out what's next she's not telling me as my life hangs in the balance. I just felt a sharp pain in my right chest area. I'll welcome leaving this earth with open arms. ... some things that came out of that meeting is that mom has to stop lying about christine's assets. I'm in a mess over what she had me do so she might as well be honest now or they'll catch up with her later. I COMPLETELY FORGOT 7 YEARS AGO MOM READILY ADMITTED IN FRONT OF CHRISTINE'S ATTORNEY THAT THEY WERE "PUTTING THIS AMOUNT ASIDE" FOR THE GUARDIANSHIP." The meeting is again recorded if she tries to go back. As mom's paranoia increases I'm left here with only corruption to dwell on in my handicapped life instead of protection. Mom openly declared she's meeting with people like that over lunch anymore to avoid my "abuse." I'm telling you the danger of mom "leaving the past in the past" is mom's ticket to the past never happened. 2ce mom started yelling over me to stop me from talking - 1ce about how Claire refuses to go to any type of counseling due to the religion she got involved in and I don't remember the other right now but it's noted some place. That's when mom started in about calling a lawyer and I reminded her I've been telling her to do that for 3 years and I'm the injured child who winds up on the street. My input is a threat to mom's lies so the solution is mom meeting with these people where I am not. Mom came right out and said I'm an embarrassment. That me being truthful was her embarrassment. Do we see how twisted this is yet? It's just like when pat guide said the new catch phrase that I was "gone for 20 years". Really? So what about the time period me and my ex witnessed christine come out of her shell with a new puppy I brought home 1992-1994? What about all those doctor's appts I came here for up to the year 2000 and more? What about the times after 2000 I would drive down to clean for mom? What about the semester I was living here in 1997 when I had to withdraw from school over landlord discrimination? Which 20 years are we speaking of? The one in mom's fantasy? The catch phrase is a city slicker "just say" policy as was the bread-already-in-the-house story. It's only american lives mom is disconnected with that hang in the balance. ... funny how princess lea dying coincides with me not seeing Leah Remini on A&E anymore about the truth of how her cultist life is so much like this family. Leah if you are still alive I'll take the bullet for you. Don't stop speaking the truth. Even if you need to switch to something like public television don't stop. ... cannot forget legaltalknetwork.com. so it's the drunken time of day but since my plans are cancelled due to keeping honesty on the home front I'm wasting my time by trying to get enough sleep. ... good looking plumber came to our house this new years eve. He's the same plumber as years past. I just happened to notice his sexiness this year. His same namesake as a theresa I've known made me think he's related in that he has the same color eyes from what I remember. He's divorced with 2 grown boys but I'm not attractive anymore so what am I thinking. I have skin tags and overweight. My ex and NYS sucked the confidence right out of me. Mom just gave me sheer confusion never accepting her freak handicapped child. If I get back the will to live I know what direction to go in with herbal teas and nutrition. Accepting the shortness of breath and blurred vision all falling on surrogate's court karma. Anyway it seems a whole lot of people around here are from the same town as the boy in early high school I had my eye on. I was so taken with him that I wound up in the bathroom crying over him and the most popular girl in school comforted me for a very brief period of my life. When she didn't see me respond like other kids that was the end of it. My response was to smile when she looked at me specifically but didn't know what to say so she stopped talking to me. Better based on a Maureen who became popular while dating a popular guy but when they stopped dating ALL popularity was dropped like a hot potato. My guy wasn't even particularly popular. I was just more mature about relationships with no place to go. Anyway when I looked him up all these years later it sounds like he's a cop. How ironic my one and only was a bad boy wannabe just to have his convenient wife connections get him a new job at suny potsdam while he's still inappropriately placed. And those are the details of an inappropriately placed developmentally disabled brain injured child just waiting to be the next greatest terrorist act. ... just found one of the sweetheart homecoming Queens who was best friends with the popular person I noted. Gosh I would never recognize her and she went to school in Boston. She stuck up for all the unpopular that were being bullied but not me. No one knew what to do with me. Maybe I came across as too "with it" but walked funny with a limp and just an odd character. She went to school in Boston. I'm not finding enough on the other one. .. funny how that happened. The cousin of my childhood bully who, baffled, asked me why I allow my sexual harassers to do what they do, went on to be a criminal defense attorney. As mom taught me to have zero defenses I just sat there and couldn't answer her on the bus that day. My bully's stepfather died early at 69. My bully is not divorced but is the one of 2 people I saw at the store one night. The father of the lawyer only died last year. I need more alcohol. ... 1/1/17 gearing up for more stress and another heart ache as tj is coming here to pick up presents. I'll be laying here and not going out to see him as Claire's brain spins in pure air to the legal rape of our lives. Many of the cops - searing thoughts on the fools my mother made us out to be. My grammar school bully had parents who owned a bar next to the deli. They can probably vouch for the lie told by my mother and they knew the whole time. Total stung of everything I've been thru just to have Deanne M. Wilson worsen the fate. Flashes of - 1/2 hr and he's still not here. Flashes of the justice left unknown when I carried out the sexual abuse done on me in a hospital to my cousin. Really intense realities. 5 mins later and it sounds like he's here. Do they even look in my car? Maybe it wasn't him. yes it was and he knows the garage code. Mom forgot that. Claire is ordering Chinese food. Mom asks if he's staying or in a hurry and I guess he is having tea? Tj got all A's and this was his hardest semester. Christopher being a far cry with developmental issues is obvious too late. I really can't understand what tj is saying so much but I guess that's normal that christopher is more articulate. Mom had tj open the bottle I couldn't. She was going to ask the plumber when he was here but forgot. There's no real conversation. Just small talk. A woman on my father's side works at his college. Our first cousin. And tj says nothing. Rutgers. Our cousin said "we all need to get together soon." That's for damn sure to save my fucking life! I'll be drinking soon. So the small talk is over. And he has the bag of presents and asks if mom needs anything (before he goes) and mom doesn't understand so he clarifies so he's doing some lightbulbs now. #rutgers. #Norrie #braindamage. So now he's leaving with more small talk. In the midst of child #child tragedy such shallowness because the Illuminati was there to remove Claire from a $7million lawsuit that could have been for Claire being told her sister is dead because of her. Flashbacks to theresa Murray doing the same shrug off as Claire. #leahremini #thewayinternational ... I'm going to guess it was the tv that woke me after round 1 and brushing my teeth was the usual gagging problem with a throwing up. Spit out blood before and after throwing up dinner. Don't know if it's digestive irritation from Vodka or something with lungs. My chronic shortness of breath would indicate lungs. There are those that could save a life before it's too late at the morris county surrogate's court. ... 1/4/17 so I learned last night Oprah used to wear contacts. I have to wonder - haha commercial just on about tears - not only when the eye infection happened but if they helped or hurt her crying on cue. Today mom calls about something she got in the mail because she doesn't know the definition of voucher. Yes this is what we were left with. Lots going thru my head recently especially the tragic idiot mom must have made us all look like thinking "just say" that in certain situations doesn't work in a small town .... there go my plans for the day because this lack of regularly scheduled sleep enhances holiday hours confusion. Wondering if mom is out having lunch she threatened to do when visiting nurses was here and me telling the truth is her "embarrassment" so doing lunch with them is her way of not having me around. I asked if city nurses would be coming and response was they have people from all over and I let on that we were kept from this years ago due to that fear. ... 1/6/17 how the conversation turned to an apex of screaming: mom changed her story(s) multiple times or lied. THIS IS NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY ALL MY LIFE POST ACCIDENT. Wake up and tell mom I'm making coffee and does she want some. She says yes so I make 8 cups. A bit later she says " so you're not going to the library today?" And I say no that there's not enough time and she says "time?" and at some point in the conversation I say I don't remember what turned me off about this town's libraries but I think they're timed and I explain what that means (with a long-term heartbreak I have to explain to my only guardian those disability needs - but don't) and that I only go to ones that have untimed computers. I then tell her it's like I told her many times to go take a computer class at the library - that all libraries have them and her response to me was she would hire someone to show her and she never did that and why not have her family of grandsons or son-in-law show her. On cue mom is right there to say they don't have time (as in they're too busy) and I start that that is her excuse and point out the impersonalness of the personal people in her life. I gave the example of 'just like instead of calling your grandsons or son-in-law to come take the snow off the deck because you can't do it anymore eventually the water from the snow soaks into her hardwood floors and not only does she have to pay to fix the floor but pay to have (the indoor) door cut" (because the door broke off the top hinge when I tried to close it one day) and I was cut off with defenses and lies starting I think with she's never cleaned off the deck followed by she never told me she "can't do it anymore." As my mariah carey note scale started to rise I brought up why she doesn't have the electric snow shovel anymore - because she can't use it anymore. She throws up a defense the handle of it is broken. As I rise to my G note it didn't hit me yet that she's changing the subject. She seemed a bit taken aback that I knew the exact location of it: at Claire's. As if I don't know what's going on. Eventually I said these are the type of lies she told in a surrogate's court and she says she didn't lie so I again go thru the lie correction she did of me in court saying Chris was waiting on the landing waiting for her bus and I told the judge it's not true. How ironic that while writing all of this the story of unsuccessful lying city slicker 'lil Kim was on who went to jail for perjury. As has been repeated multiple times in this blog, as I was talking in court to Judge Wilson I said Christine was standing at the kitchen sink doing dishes when she fell backwards and was finally put on seizure meds. My mother openly declared to the court "Christine was not! She was on the landing waiting for her bus!" I told Judge Wilson that was completely not true. Now out of court mom has since retracted that she ever said in court Chris was on the landing waiting for her bus. THE TYPE OF HARASSMENT TODAY SPILLING OVER TO DISABILITY CONFUSION ABUSE ELICITS THE EXACT REACTION CLAIRE AND THE COURT USED AGAINST ME THEN AND NOW. ... RIGHT NOW CHRISTINE IS KEEPING UP THE "PLEASE MOM AND STAY IN DESTRUCTION MODE" SIMPLY BY BEING HAPPY AT THE SUCCESS IN BEING ABLE TO CORRECTLY ANSWER QUESTIONS WHICH IS VITAL TO OUR REHABILITATIVE WELL-BEING. (Chris is in the dining room answering mom's questions). the difference is I'm empowered to DO something about it while Christine is not. I just yelled out to Chris to turn up the tv if mom wants to hear the questions / answers and Chris did. Mom said "no that's ok" but it is NOT ok. As Chris stopped answering I could tell she was getting frustrated just like earlier I could tell Chris was enjoying The Chase and mom disregarded christine's delayed responses to her questions about Chris's day until I finally said something to mom. ... in the middle of doing stuff and hear mom say to aunt Maureen "... but I can't do that anymore." I motion whisper my acknowledgement about it but then realize I have since broken that barrier. So I speak louder and since I was going to my car I bring in the mail she's talking about. Sitting there and sifting thru the mail and say it loud again and say "you can read about it in my BLOG" and I hear mom laugh and as I control my blood curdling I say "no laughing matter" and eventually soon aunt Maureen gets off the phone. ... rage is setting in as I watch too cute on animal planet remembering back to the change in christine with my dog but mom is brain washing her to only remember Claire's dog. Cassie was an outdoor dog that was there for healing at our accident as was our indoor dog casey. Cassie only became an indoor dog in her senior years. Cassie is just as significant because she was there before and after the accident and along with that dog is our tie to her previous owners. My dog pulled christine out of her zombie-like shell. It was a time Chris was able to get on the floor and play with a ball or jax and my new puppy found christine's head a fascinating ball of hair. Chris would laugh incessantly as my dog would use her paws and nose to rummage through Christine's hair and lick Christine's ear even trying to climb on top of Christine's head. Mom would spoil the moment screaming about christine's earrings so I got in the habit of removing her earrings before getting on the floor. Thoughts right now are fumigating at this control freak and her sisters who at least act like they all stand by her. Told mom she should watch Leah Remini on 20/20 and she scoffed at the fact it's what she threw christine's life away to. Some kind of disconnect around here happened that is completely false and I'll just keep hanging out underwear while the witch's brew kicks Claire's ass and mom comes to learn all I been telling her is truth but we have no way to save us. I remember once mom saying - forgot my thought. Ok - that my dog is a rude dog because she humps a lot. THAT IS HOW A DOG WITH EXCESS ENERGY GETS IT OUT OF THEIR SYSTEM - ESPECIALLY SPORT DOGS WHO DON'T GET ENOUGH EXERCISE. Is this twisted immigrant we've been left with thinking it's a sexual thing like her repressive catholic upbringing??? I'll be damned this is ending this way for us american children. Chris mentions Cassie all the time but not my dog who was way more significant in christine's well-being .... 1/7/17 today when I woke up mom was chipper than usual that I had to wonder what she's hiding. I think with the snow she's glad to have me here maybe? Later on I hear her whisper into the phone about banking - she wanted to know about a charge in a new account she just opened. Most likely she is hiding christine's money under her own social security number and lying about how much Chris has like she did with visiting nurses. In hindsight we never went into the deli again that we had the accident in front of. I'm in bigtime payback with SS because the same was done with me. Anyway she verified the account is good for 2 years. ... as I prepare to go pick up dinner because I need more alcohol I write out a list for some things and verify with mom before leaving that she's not getting Chinese food and Chris chimes in we should because it's easier. I decline because I'm in way too much pain to get dinner separate from shopping. I know exactly where Chris is coming from though. Without mom having to go thru physical preparation means Chris doesn't have to listen to mom's endless pain gripes (stress). When I say no I can hear from downstairs Chris make the noise that was the sole reason Claire would never again watch Christine when mom went away because she didn't know how to handle the conflict it made for her sons. Fastforward and where are the friends and girlfriends of the boys? When I get home I point out to Chris wonder woman is on in a while so she chooses to watch the rest of the incredible hulk instead of the same old game shows and by the time mom sits down to her dinner mom points out the wonder woman show as "crazy" and I remind her of the damage she did with that word. That this is not NYC and she had no business staying here let alone keeping us. When aunt Maureen is on the phone tonight I talk out loud beacause I'm sitting in the kitchen. At one point she asks about the coughing noise. It's me. It turns out Claire has returned to work which starts after 1/1. It's not 9-5 everyday. ... 1/8/17 mom's talking to her sister teresa I guess to feel better. Mom will use me as a tool to get things done and I won't have it so I put the bread back in the refrigerator asking "is THAT how you get me to do things for you?" Later on it's nothing new for her to rehash a dead subject when I asked if christopher drinks root beer. I was degraded for buying something even though they only had diet and zero coke which I knew wouldn't go over well. Still not good enough. Perfect opportunity to point out THAT'S a loose cannon. ... 1/9/17 so Claire's back to work but not as enthusiastic after sickness. Gee sounds familiar. She is getting it what it would be like to be kept away from medical advances for her condition??? Does the name christine sound familiar??? That, family member Claire has made spiritual sense of that excludes medical advancement? A life fucked instead of helped by the Morris County Surrogate's Court leaving me out of christine's care all because I didn't have a lawyer. ... 1/10/16 wide awake and need go be up in 5 hours. This is .. 1/12/17 drugs! Reading over some Grammar school classmates and can't get over it. The girl from NYC knew better than the local yokels. It still didn't help me. ... 1/15/17 Today I was leaving the house same time as mom and it was the usual that mom was trying to use me to help with Christine. How dare she just get off the phone with Pat Guide and talk about how problematic it is to get Christine in the car and then turn around and use me same as always having been fully informed she has THREE (not just one) child whose welfare she had to take care of before the age of majority. I left telling her to go fix her lies and the rape of my life is the disregardful response. I truly hope Pat Guide - actually the ironicness of this is just too overwhelming. It's technically the next day but I only got 2 hours sleep and feel absolutely awful. I may have lost my message from earlier due to being browser outdated but can't check til nonmobile. Doesn't anyone care to save me? Doesn't anyone? Earlier msg that should be saved is about how mom doesn't like being lied to by christopher who suddenly answers his phone after mom complains to Claire she's not hearing back from him to come and take the christmas tree down. Katelyn I want to be where you are as an abused child surrounded by drug addicts (?) who let it happen. Uncle eddy never part of "something not right" about our accident investigation. I'm losing my ability to cope w so much time on my hands and stuck in think mode. I've snapped after what mom did. Have to see if this works. ... oh so it turns out it glitched before and I can see my drafts :-(((. Our mother lied about a bread in the house story and we're left with a life of anguish at the hands of an immigrant. I would say it's time to get drunk again if I weren't so sick feeling. Not doing well :-(((... after ABC news now worried about retired physicist worker at vzn who is SO helpful. Fixed my typos like the boy on twitter whose teacher was fired because he said "tamarraw" and then fixed it. Hope all is ok. I'm dying inside. Truly dying from no needs met in life. katelyn! 4am and dying here. Abdominal pain so bad I can't get over it. ... 1/16/17 made it thru the night and woken by all of mom's flare-ups at 9:15am. Drinking coffee to start my texts transfer. I can't believe people don't see the problem in front of closed doors. My heart hurts. ... as I'm going through old texts I find the one about the lawyer who was yet another to decline my case because he needs money for medical experts and I asked mom for pat guide's number so I can ask her if I can forward the text to her. Mom wouldn't give me the number because mom's embarrassed (?). Christopher supposed to come soon but mom on phone so he can't get through. I told her not a good time. ... holy crap! A technical agency in touch with me out of the blue. Like I have a chance now - as if. ... christopher never came at the designated time 2 hour window. Mom w her usual nerves and impatience with things made me lash out at her before that she "may be a cool cat around pat guide but her history of..." ... oh so how things are going mom doesn't tell me a nurse is coming here tomorrow for Chris. I asked her what lies she told to get her way. I hope they come here from the heart of newark with a gun. Tomorrow is bound to be interesting. ... 1/17/17 almost didn't have a day with christine's first home health aid. Originally a message came in they were out today but that's just screwy communication. Mom driving us absolutely crazy with stress about not waking up on time and what she SHOULD HAVE done. Not too sure I'll be recording today. I'm in seriously bad shape for about a week now with waves of abdominal pain and what's coming out of me is blood and stuff. Apple cider vinegar on a tissue and placed at anal opening got rid of the hemorrhoids mostly and pain gone for a little while. Trying to trace where it started and could be an awful chemical taste on one of my pistacchio nuts that I was too drunk to spit out. Now they're calling with more miscommunication just called mom. All that stress for nothing. Now someone not coming until afternoon. Anyway I have to wonder if my colon is being eaten from the inside. So now someone is here - the nurse. Not the aid. Doing evaluation. Mom is so bad she asked who the patient was. 1ce a week someone's coming here - not twice. Mom laughs it off no buzzer. Mom then says nothing about her hearing problem. "Fell few times." Mom's hearing problems are going to reveal themselves. Informed her to get a baby monitor to hear Chris. Mom declined putting down anyone else to take over if she can't. I AM PISSED OFF. CHRISTINE HAS THE START OF SCOLIOSIS ACCORDING TO THIS NURSE AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON TOP OF THAT. FUCK!!!! ... busy morn unexpectedly. Christopher on his way and nurses coming back in a bit. This will be interesting. He rang bell. Claire gave mom something (Christmas gifts). Christopher putting garbage out. Mom freaking over can't get black bags. He's taking the wreath down. Asked if we did anything for the holiday. Mom not painting pretty picture with all the pain she is in. Sounds like christopher is trying to strike conversation but mom surprised (?). He works in lower NYS area. He's staying in booton? Not sure. He does scratch offs. Memory about robodick not doing gambling. It was Claire who led him astray just like Claire HAD TO have sex b4 marriage to know if it's what would be for her. Robodick wanted to stay true to waiting until married. Christopher is saying he's been out of the house for a while so the truth is he moved back home for a little while??? Mom's lying again??? Visions of Claire's medical denial/uninvolvement. Profound cluelessness to the big picture and refusing to budge. I'm having waves of abdominal pain. Visions of Claire's - lost the vision. I need to check if my laptop is secure out there. We had no preparation for this today. Christopher calls and says he'll be here in ten or 15 minutes. My stuff is out there where they're working. He's moving stuff other than christmas. Mom's telling him about the hectic morning with the nurses that were here. Asking how mom liked new years. She's telling him about my father. Does lifeguarding in the summer. He's definitely more verbal than tj (because he's spent most time with his mother?). ... 1/21/17 So I'm really not used to finding out things last minute. Turns out as I was gone for ten hours yesterday, Pat Guide made plans with mom to take her and Chris to the Paramus Park Mall today. Have to wonder if our lives will be raped again. Having the nurse here was comforting. A nurse's absence is what has helped mom stay under the radar all these years. Come to think of it the nurse that came to the house for Christine upon Christine's release from the hospital was not the nightmare city nurse mom cited all these years as reason for not getting one. Probably just another one of her half baked shell excuses - and the children paid the price. ... 1/23/17 So I woke up this morning with hearing loss in the left ear - same side as diseased(?) tooth. Had some "loud banging" in the right ear last night. ... 2/1/17 oh this is how I get to the draft folder - by saving a draft. ... we're children and we need protection from the trash that doesn't belong in this country. That sounds extreme but you really have to live the medical nightmare this woman set up (flashbacks to court when Cristina Mirda used against me that I only said mom is medically incompetent and then was further questioned by the judge with a rephrasing that I could agree to. life rape). ... so now that mom has screwed up her understanding of christine's medicaid the doctor's office wants to speak directly to the social worker. ... just walked past mom telling her if she wanted to be an uneducated hillbilly in the mountains she should have moved upstate with me. I would have been the educated one (and she would have blended in nicely). Instead she has reinvented herself hanging with the very same people she discriminated against from the getgo not dealing with this accident. As I was walking TO the bathroom I pointed out that the doctor wants to now deal directly with the social worker instead of dealing with mom's medical incompetence. My life crashed into a wall being left with her and you weigh how much that is due to getting zero validation from my only guardian since age 12. I'm absolutely dying because of Deanne M. Wilson. ... And this bag of shit just denied that I told her she didn't understand medicaid. Just like her childishness ruined our medical lives. I have recorded some things on cassette tape because giuliani took away my ability to record the usual way. I'm getting as drunk as I possibly can without much alcohol left. ... ...it's going to be a long night without alcohol. Got maybe a1/2 hour sleep and woken up by mom conversing with christine because it makes her feel better after I go through with her again ignoring me about getting a lawyer going all the way back to her non-paying tenant Ray Higgins. This woman didn't just make mistakes. It was a continual disregard of an american child's well-being even with Christine. Our lives - what they would have been with protection. What they could have been with protection. The murder that seethes from my soul. The older generation cold dark irish that I will not let the world forget. The murder the longer this goes on. ... 2/2/17 And yesterday... 2/3/17 Woken up this morning by mom talking loud to her youngest sister overseas and then speaking immediately to her (NYC sister?) that she doesn't want to say anything about something lest she "start a war over there." War is already here woman brought on by your decision to exclude me from my sister's care due to your own selfish reasons of me knowing too much and being all too familiar of REALITY. An unhealthiness compounded and fed into to Judge Deanne M. Wilson.... 2/4/17 So today it seems the war mom doesn't want to start is about her tenant overseas. A woman who doesn't understand the difference between starting a war and standing up for rights. That's what happened when she had a NYC tenant. She never used that phrase to me. She just refused even ASKING a lawyer saying there's all kinds of laws in the city that protect tenants. That's why you ASK because he was WHITE, ABLE-BODIED, AND SINGLE. He wasn't raising a family and had children, disabled or a person of color. That's the recklessness our lives were left with in the United States of America with a fucking immigrant that could all have been turned around by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. Before I left the house I tried to fix my ripped shirt to looking better and mom asked me if I where my jacket while I'm at the computer based on what I look like and I said no. She shook her head. "It's more of a reflection of you than me" was summed up in "That's why you take care of a child while they are a child instead of what they turn out to be without those things from the medical care they needed" - paraphrase. All mom did was her defensive "yeah." ... 2/5/17 all my disjointed expressions someone will be able to put together I'm guessing. I'm guessing the accident aftermath is too traumatic just like I had to get across to Pat Guide as she was only stating what she knew from mom's side of the story. She didn't go to college but just her being through the American school system makes a difference. ... 2/10/16 AS IF! A BUTLER GUY FORGETS THE EVENTS OF THE PAST 3 YEARS AND THEN TRIES TO REVERSE IT ON ME. I'VE ALREADY BEEN DOWN THAT ROAD WITH KEVIN MONTANYE FOR TEN YEARS - THAT I JUST DIDN'T HAVE A FATHER AROUND TO SAVE A LIFE FROM. ... :-((( feeling sad. Got enough sleep but don't want to go out today. I have to go out later I think. ... Giuliani is a fucking dickwad who will wind up fired from his job at internet security. No wonder hs has no relationship with his daughter. He deserves all he has coming fucking slime. Like a fascist end g+ communication. FUCK YOU ... 2/15/16 Totally not able to do things as I used to with Giuliani as head of online security. The only thing new recently is dealing with a Butler boy temper tantrum which hasn't happened in a while and I was able to see the differences in how I handled it then and now. The only drawback is now life is ending. The only other thing is that mom asked Claire to do her taxes this year since the tax guy who was friends with my father and has been doing our taxes since the 80s has a medical condition now. I would say there was a pregnant pause but I don't know Claire would be sarcastic. I think she would be more hesitant because she's not objective. She did tell mom (again) about how there may not be a NEED to file but mom insists on getting a thing or two back. Of course Claire really doesn't give a shit (or is convinced it's irrelevant) that THAT is the type of guidance left to raise a developmentally disabled child. Fucking airhead just refuses to see and accept not only her own injuries but is unduly influencing the denial of mine. Would I be screaming around people blatantly disregarding who and what I am as a result of TBI? If it's my only guardian - of course! I don't know how and why Claire is disconnected from the rape of our lives. The rape of who and what even she is forced into acceptance by The Way International. ... records exist for 2/16/17 and 2/17/17 but not transferred in. 2/17/17 $40.58 is the latest rape of christine's life. It's what she gets paid for 2 weeks work - 6 days. Tiffany's gets their packaging and other menial jobs done with these rapes. ...2/18/17 Nice going Judge Deanne M. Wilson. mom is going to get in trouble with something regarding her driving sometime soon and Christine is going to be raising hell for sitting at home when she doesn't have to if I were involved in her care. Even though it has not always been her fault, 3 accidents in 3 years highlights she needs to be able to better yield her car. If she can't or wont put on her "sunglasses" on sunny days that's a problem. That is the same lacksidaisicalness the judge witnessed in what mom MUST do. Today was a sunny day and mom wasn't wearing sunglasses when I brought shopping out for her and put it in her trunk.... 2/19/17 So I found out the latest accident happened on Valentine's day and Christine was in the car (and it happened on Christine's side of the car). Of course I started in about how Christine's going to go on about being left home and then eventually mom and the other liar are going to throw Christine into a group home which is the anti-equation of how we were brought up. I asked if Christine was hurt and she said no. I asked if she went to the hospital (or something like that) and she said no. Mom never got a police report at the time because she didn't think of it - NOW MOM REMEMBERS HER SHIT TO ME WHENEVER I GOT IN ACCIDENTS? Of course not. She just made sure to keep her insurance life separate from mine and contribute to me being no good while still holding on to the American dream of me finishing college and to be proud of(?). Whatever stories she's telling these senior women and women of handicapped children (and siblings). I have yet to find out ALL of it. So after all of this last night mom does her usual of not saying a word, chomping on snacks, and at one point saying some arbitrary directions to Christine. I tell Christine to tell Pat Guide to come back here so we can all have a CONVERSATION - a far cry from our guardian just sitting there in silence. There was something else significant and it will come back to me. Oh yes when I investigated further if Christine I let her know what she's probably oblivious to - that she's been more giddy after her head bleeding on the driveway. It shows a possibility of injury. ... 2/20/17 Just learned our lives were raped by Claire and my nephews that threw out a lot of our memories from the attic without my consent or knowledge. It started out with me asking where the Simon Says memory game is and asking if it's under the stairs. She said only christmas stuff was under the stairs and I said "no because I have the ouija board that was there along with other board games." Chris remembered Simon Says right away but Claire wouldn't because Claire was out doing drugs at that time.(when I read this out loud to mom she scoffed at the part about Claire. Oh what now? It didn't happen??? Has no effect??? thus is the danger of mom being left a loose cannon that the past is the past because that means the past didn't happen). Mom stated in disbelief that I would come do it. I NEVER FUCKING KNEW SHE WAS DOING THIS. I OBJECTED WHEN SHE GOT RID OF MY FATHER'S BOOKS AND SHE SHUT ME UP WITH TRIVIALITY. She just fucking contradicted herself with my father's books she threw out. I threw it in her face stephanie's records are on my phone but not dad's because of her and the need TO NOT BE IN THIS COUNTRY CARING FOR MEDICALLY NEEDY CHILDREN. Now she's fucking tearing things and I threw it at her my warranty she's paying for that she allowed Claire to shred so I don't have the company name on anymore and had to rehash that it's gone from me email for reasons unknown. These fucking immigrants to America. ... 2/21/17 UNIVERSE ALERT: watching "Drain the Bermuda Triangle" and I am loaded with memories. In 8th grade I had a terrifying dream. It was the night/morn before an 8th grade brownie/cake sale and the dream woke me that I never forgot. My best friend at the time squatted down over the water of the non-swimming part of Terrace Lake and all of a sudden she was swallowed by a whirlpool as her body spun around and then all the water was draining out of the lake in all and then one big whirlpool revealing metal mechanics under the water. I "see" myself in the dream race for help, right leg first, and woke up terrified. The dream terrified me the whole day and is a dream you don't forget. Fastforward to when I became interested in geology. I didn't just take at face value what was being taught to me. I searched out diagrams and pictures and anything else for exactly what it looks like under the oceans as if they are drained. Turns out someone was thinking the same as me: http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/episodes/drain-the-bermuda-triangle/. Now watching Area51 on non-free-ondemand natgeo channel about U2. What did my irish parents know????? ... so after my second round and after getting ready for the day I did my usual of leaving all to mom since that's what she insisted in the surrogate's court. She comes up from putting the garbage out doing her usual complaining saying she's moving to senior living and I point out how pathetic she is that she chooses that over family helping (namely me) and she starts in with go find my way. WHAT?!?! Fucking stupid. Not only is she 20 years too late in saying that and always wanting me to come back home but she's already seen how well (OR NOT) I am in finding my way because she's seen the way I've been living out in the world. And the fight just continues how much she doesn't belong in this country raising medically needy children. Claire has been to none of my living dwellings outside of mom's house, never been to any of my graduations, and I could go on about how aloof. Nice going Morris County. One of us is going to lose and I'll be dead rather than this to go unresolved like it is. ... 2/25/17 notes and mom's harassment just shown through that she wouldn't be saying these things with someone else around. Daughter killed in road rage incident by bullet made me turn around that according to Claire God knew that little girl wouldn't believe so it was ok for her to die. As soon as mom said I was talking shit - or no as soon as it was obvious she was ignoring me I started shaking her wheel walker she was holding onto. That that's what she threw christine's life away to. Flashbacks of cristina Mirda & judge deanne m. Wilson. I'm hoping to be ok tomorrow with my back instead of the cancelled plans at the library today. Chris couldn't answer what will happen when mom's gone and last night she learned new info that when mom's gone the only person Chris will have is Claire who will throw her in a group home and Chris will never see me again because she doesn't belong in one. She'll only be there because her only guardian is a power freak. ... 2/26/17 Let's start here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKDliZRq4g&list=PLD3f8bPzPpZafJ8EtMI2DeRrclp2iEKMS&index=1 so now let's go back to when I saw this episode this week. Ambush Beneath the Surface - Bingo! Since the mother lost her child she just lost all her passion at 11:33 and at 11:47 Robert points out the mystery solved. At 12:53 the daughter accused of always fighting admits they don't really talk about it and pretend like it didn't happen. Bingo! Keep watching. AND THIS IS JUST TO SAVE A RESTAURANT AND AND AND THERE ARE NO OTHER HANDICAPPED KIDS TO BE CARED FOR WHERE THERE EXISTS SOME KIND OF PASSION BUT SOMETHING TOTALLY LACKING IN SUFFICIENT PASSION PERHAPS, AFTER THE MOTHER LOST THE LIFE OF HER CHILD. So of course I had no preparation a new "services for christine" person was coming to the house Thursday but it doesn't really matter because my back was in too much pain to go anywhere. So this time after seeing this episode I came right out and told this person that we need to start where this all began that we were in a car accident and me and Christine lived in a hospital and one sister died. I usually leave out the part about the sister that died. So on Friday, I forget how the conversation came out but at night we were all sitting in the living room and I asked Christine who she depends on for care besides Mom. Chris said no one. I probed further about any one at shop or anywhere else and there is no one. I then was able to spell out for Christine again how the only other person whose care she was put in was Claire. That that's what going to court that she can't remember going to was all about. That Claire is going to throw her in a group home and Christine will never see me again because Christine doesn't belong in a group home. That I did NOT go through all I have in my life just for Christine to be thrown into a group home. All about me??? I guess it's just the way I talk. Christine seemed to be learning new things as I was talking on Friday. She didn't say anything but Christine doesn't really have the cognition to put all together anyway. On Saturday I aided in getting dinner home by calling the takeout place and Chris was able to go for a ride to get it. She wasn't happy about takeout but she also should have someone more forceful than mom. Mom is guilt ridden. Nothing wrong with that except when it creates the monsters it did. Claire not around to witness the wishy washiness but when raised her kids was very strict if the kids went on telling them the biblical "obey!" I have to wonder how that affected them in life. People obeyed Hitler but Claire's not questioning that. Ok so anyway, I forget how it started Saturday but when I brought up about planning(?) and mom looked forward at the TV ignoring me that's when I rolled over to her walker pulling it back and forth to get her attention. When she saw me coming to her that's when she averted her eyes from the TV to me. It was the same out-to-lunch bullshit. When she started saying "crazy" I did more than move her walker back and forth out of attention getting. I was fucking enraged by this loose cannon we were all left alone with. Flashbacks of a judge that took only one child out of the home. And all I want is justice. On Saturday I flew off the handle asking Christine about the questions she couldn't answer about when her only guardian would be gone and she screamed she doesn't know and the conversation went no place - flashbacks to Cristina Mirda on a home visit asking Christine if she wanted me involved in her care and Christine said "no" while not knowing what that means - that means whether she wants to fulfill her lifetime dream of "getting better" post injury - DRUGS. ... 2/27/17 getting drunk early. Something as simple as Chris asking me to turn the light off as I go by doing same as mom. If her guardian can't provide her needs she needs to have her guardianship changed. I am so fucking sick of this immigrant. 2/28/17 Progress. Woke up this morning to shoulder blade pain. Just take me the fuck out of here being left like this. Let's start here again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKDliZRq4g&list=PLD3f8bPzPpZafJ8EtMI2DeRrclp2iEKMS&index=1 and the part that has been going off in my head is when the daughter said "and I had a sister." Flashes of the RN last week who after I dropped the load one of our sister's died, she looked at mom. When she looked back at me and I had a straightforward look(?) she got right back into her role as RN. What we needed all along. Oh and when she was talking about a nurse that would make a good fit and I told her not the ones from the city, she looked at mom. Mom started her shit that she had one here from there "and they were very nice." Again it was mom in her defenses ignoring the fact that when that finally happened it was when she was all alone, leaned on her non-handicapped friends for handicapped help, and the important years we needed someone were over. Fucking older generation child-development cluelessness left alone with us. ... 3/1/17 today started off wrong. Mom needs a nurse and the situation is left untended to which carries health consequences for us all. If the police had to come here to pick christine up we would be deemed incompetent as when I was injured by police. Christine's untended to medical condition is not being caught by her shop or respite exactly like the schools long ago never caught christine's seizures. Same story. Different decade. ... Mom needs a nurse for herself. Not just christine. Mom needs a nurse more than christine. ... Something set me off tonight. It was the amount of pizza I saw gone from the box seemed more. Mom had more than 2 slices so suddenly Chris wanted same and I flipped reminding that a gram of sugar is a raisin. That Chris doesn't realize she can't walk them off or burn them off in a gym AND she's got a paralyzed side to lug along with it AND she's not anemic like mom is - although because she depends on mom's cooking and mom can't cook anymore (she might be). Someone needs to have always been here. We did not deserve to have our lives left like this.... I actually think it was on this day or the next that Chris almost fell when in the bathroom. She fell onto the toilet though so it wasn't what it could have been.... 3/8/17 Just went out to use bathroom and not only did mom use the main bathroom for some strange
reason but she seemed to be walking slower than usual as I was rolling down the hall. As I kept bumping into walls trying to accommodate this unusualness I let out my frustrations and mom mocks it. As if! So I say "yeah as we learned to do here!" and mom starts calling me a liar. Escalation to mom lying in a court room that christine was standing on the landing waiting for her bus so mom lies that she never said that and that christine has never done that as to which I say "I know! Why did you say that in court?!" and it just continued. Earlier, after Chris got home like any other day I hear mom say to Chris "that lady is coming here." And Chris says " what lady?" followed by silence. So I yell out to know What lady?" The RN nurse
follow-up. Mom's response is she'll be here any minute. The only thing mom succeeded at is me not having time to write down my blog. It's all recorded. I filled in the blanks in mom's lies but I still don't know truth of Chris not getting her period. With mom's objection I let be known what happened in court that court findings are for Chris to not go to certain drs and that could have happened for all I know. It's on tape the first sentence out of mom's mouth a lie. First question was if Chris has fallen in the last 3 months. Mom said no and I said last night Chris fell onto the toilet - had the toilet not been there she would have fallen and mom starts about calling the police on me and talking over the information I'm trying to give to the nurse so the nurse asks about the last 3 months or 6 months and mom says no and I correct about the last time the police
were here which was the day they went about alternate transportation. Mom was sure to argue she fell on the toilet so she didn't fall. Unbelievable she would deny the last time the police came to pick Christine up. ... 3/9/17 Let's start here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKDliZRq4g&list=PLD3f8bPzPpZafJ8EtMI2DeRrclp2iEKMS&index=1 Feeling like total crap. Old NJ "teen spirit" gave me attitude whiplash. This happened 2 days ago. I had just come from some Standing Rock activity and my perceptions led me to ask a nearby crew what they were interviewing about. The attitude totally didn't want to tell me what they were doing so I asked if it was for Standing Rock and said no. Ok that's all I wanted to know. Then I hear someone say something "make a complaint" and felt like it was absolutely directed at me. These attitudes is what I went out into the world defensive against (when there was nothing to be defensive about) destroying my own future. For example sports players in NJ are notoriously cruel while that is NOT the case in NY. At least in the parts of NY I went to it's truely a proud accomplishment and who is right there to help me stay feeling awful? Mom. I'm mom's freak embarrassment. Here's one thing that this medically incompetent woman in America did: http://www.victimslawyer.com/tmj-injuries-car-accident/?utm_medium=social&utm_source=googleplus. Instead of getting a lawyer after the insurance had me evaluated by their own doctor and said my TMJ was unrelated at 13 years old mom didn't get a lawyer. ABSOLUTE CARELESSNESS. I'm not the only one who came down with TMJ. Christine did to. This absolute awful 24/7 feeling is what kept me away from this place for so long tying in with the fact that nothing was going to change with mom's involvement. Had a whole lot more to say but I got other things to do.... 3/11/17 Let's start here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKDliZRq4g&list=PLD3f8bPzPpZafJ8EtMI2DeRrclp2iEKMS&index=1 Really ugly feeling for what's been done to me regarding a job in NY and most likely rumorville ruined my reputation thereby closing doors. NY is filled with stupid people who can't investigate themselves? Well majority rules. It's just easier to go with the flow especially for someone a non-native. So the shoulder blade pain went to the other shoulder and stayed there which made me have to walk away from the house to give the animals bread instead of throw it from the 2nd floor. As I put it down the other day I hear a childish odd voice say "we get to eat today." It probably came from one of the nutjob neighbors who went into a court years ago accusing me and my friend of "looking at her in her birthday suit" and the judge's response was "who would want to look at her in her birthday suit?!" Ms. birthday suit made up lies adding to the ruining of a life and can go fuck her outlandish hillbilly ass. I know of my father making "problems" for the neighborhood after Claire was bullied and there was some kind of "meeting" to try to clear it up which my mother refers to one of the "stupid" things my father did. That happened before the accident and after the accident Claire gave up all our family is but she actually was pushed away by mom blaming her for the accident. Claire even reported one time that Hillbilly birthday suit taught her cats to use the toilet like a human. I think she delivered a paper there. Our lives were raped as Claire delivered a paper to this woman whose sister's oldest son was in the class behind me and god knows what was said about me in that regard. No worries. I'll be drunk soon. Everything fell completely apart and no one is saving me. Everything is shit including mom's immigrant fake ways.... Oh yes and I think it was yesterday that computer classes at the library were being advertised on the TV and I pointed it out to mom that if she won't listen to me then listen to the TV and go learn the computer. Unlike last time, this time she tells me she did this some years ago but she didn't have the patience (and she stopped mid-word with patience) and said she had a problem with spelling. My response was "and THIS is what we were left with to care for us?!" no response as usual. Flashbacks to the time after my father died and I needed someone to practice for a spelling test or bee with and there was only mom available and was blockaded in the learning process - the word to spell was hyena and mom says "Oh that's how you spell hyena!" Yeah nice fucking rehabilitation we were sent home to. Nice fucking joke of the neighborhood, the school, the social halls and so on. ... Another attitude whiplash today but this one is easily rolled of my back. It's the woman I always went out of my way to be nice to only to be completely insulted by her a few times and I mean the insult of accusing me of "wasting tax payers money" by making a need of going back to the surrogate's court. It's always possible I didn't explain the whole situation but it seems whatever I said it just wasn't good enough. When you are an acquaintance of someone you ASK questions if you don't understand what they are telling you. Talk about a narcissist - I guess that's the definition? There could be quite a few reasons why after I said a friendly hi she turned her nose up at me but I'm not worried. She REFUSES to accept I have developmental issues. It just got to be one of those situations where "don't let the door hit you on the way out" was more the feeling than me being in a tizzy over the way someone was acting toward me. She also is not a mother so she understands less. ... The headaches have begun. I don't get headaches and if I do they don't last long. Today's lasted a very long time and is still here. It could mean dehydration or perhaps from the pain in my neck extending out from my shoulder blade. All I know is just let me go while I'm in my sleep with a brain pop like mom's Italian mama friend did. As long as I'm alive I'll be busy tomorrow and the next day but fate just needs to let me go in my sleep. No complications that way. Time to go home and drink. Nothing else in my life. Oh I wonder if some of the attitudes I've gotten in the past few days are from the knowledge I went to a Standing Rock event. If that's it I TOTALLY don't care. I've already covered the Mighty Mouse Mcgee possible repeat situation when I said about developmental issues. I did get the strangest deja vu when driving a road in Minoa-Manlius once. If I don't wake up throw a party for I am at peace and can continue my work from the other side (I assume). ... 3/15/17 let's start here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKDliZRq4g&list=PLD3f8bPzPpZafJ8EtMI2DeRrclp2iEKMS&index=1 I have a fast pulse beat going off in the left side of my head. I'll take it! Just don't bring me back if I go! More to come before I leave in the next 7.5 hours(?). ... from 3/14/17 It's a good thing I'm drinking myself to sleep. This plow guy situation is riding a nerve. If he rubs me the wrong way I'm likely to go off on him. Does he know I grew up without a father BECAUSE. of leukemia? I don't need his girlfriend to shovel a walkway we don't even use. I need her to dig out my car. Does he know my father wanted to be a butler firefighter and my mother made fun of him (dissuaded him) so he didn't? Don't get me started. Just have your girlfriend dig out my car instead a fucking walkway we don't fucking use. Did my mother tell you that??? Gee then I must be right. ... So anyway I was writing about how Claire had the audacity to call here saying they were shoveling. No mention or question if she needs help. Mom paints her pretty picture that everything is under control and an ordinary mention of our plowing. TJ had come here to pick up mom's taxes she left sitting in her car for Claire. He left mom Claire's envelope that said "Mom Happy Birthday" with gift cards inside. Never came inside to say hello. Never a mention of how her grandsons can assist her with the impending storm. And robodick is teaching his sons this is all divisions Jesus warns he would cause. ... It finally came to a head. How ironic I lost the beginning of this message getting dressed to try to go out to the plowing because my phone fell and came apart on the carpet by accident. They don't get how handicapped we all are. I SENT HIM A TEXT about my childhood injuries. I guess he ignores me too. (Come to think about it, the door slammed shut because of the wind and not because he was having a temper tantrum Hahahahaha *sigh*). Mom took forever to answer the door; the girlfriend rang the bell 2 or 3 times and then he starts blowing the horn until mom FINALLY gets to christine's door opener for the garage. His girlfriend came to the landing and insisted he did behind my car and answered my mother a few times "yes" that he shoveled behind my car so I went out clearly spelling out to her what the problem is that we are all very handicapped in this house and that I can't even dig out my own car so I took a look out the window and sure enough the snow was packed in behind my car so then he opens the door downstairs telling me I need to move my car and we start talking over each other and simultaneously I hear the word fuck and the door slammed so I start storming "fuck you too I guess" (filled in 3/15/17) pointing out how simple it is and asking "did he leave?" (filled in 3/15/17). Then I see him and her with the shovel and the packed snow behind my car removed so in all my pain I go down the stairs and as I see him as tizzied as me start to wonder if he should do the side of my car I tell him "that's fine. That's all I need." Then I struggle back up the stairs telling her to come up so we can give her payment and she said she didn't want to because she's all messy and actually thank god she didn't because she would have wiped out on mom's hardwood floors. I hope I made it clear enough how very handicapped we all are. I don't know if she felt like I was yelling at her or not but I SENT HIM A TEXT WITH MY BLOG for a reason. She had to see me struggle up and down the stairs. I'm still cracking up over the wind door slam situation. Hahahahaha! I really thought he bailed out on us and my response was "fuck you too!..." I don't even remember how I started booming after that. Hahahahaha! But then I was able to see the snow was being shoveled behind my car. I do remember booming "did he leave?!" ... I'm also able to put into words after 3 years how the plow guy talks to mom - the same as my ex talked to me: belittling or condescending in the sense of another babbling female to pass off as frivolous as in "yes dear" to not take seriously. I guess his girlfriend doesn't see it like I didn't for different reasons: I'm developmentally disabled; she's a go-with-the-flow immigrant (legal?). She grew up in the tropics(?) so I assume she doesn't know a lot about snow. Here is way more liberal than Potsdam and Potsdam is condescending to their women in a different way than the Adirondacks but I've already covered that. ... So today (3/15/17) it turns out the back of my car wasn't cleared on the passenger side in the back. I had to move forward somehow and slide up the driveway while keep turning my wheel certain ways. I'm not so sure our plow guy should be doing plowing. ... 3/16/17 forgot yesterday to include some records about mom and running out of time now. Can't remember but DO remember the disregard. Abusive medical disregard. Mom did some kicking screaming and crying to get her way again. Was give more run around about a nurse for Christine and I wasn't there to hear her crying into the phone but that was the worse thing to take care of medical needs in America. Better fix this. I'm still here to hang out underwear. Little headaches on the right side every now and again. I think I completely forgot it was St. Patty's day and not even sure what day it is but now I understand why mom is going to the casino tomorrow. I might go so I can sit and do wifi. That's all I can picture doing. I used to play the slot machine long ago in Ireland where there is no age limit on gambling.... 3/18/17 Let's start here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKDliZRq4g&list=PLD3f8bPzPpZafJ8EtMI2DeRrclp2iEKMS&index=1and then let's start here: http://www.page1publications.com/syndicated_post/watch-twins-taking-the-special-olympics-world-winter-games-by-storm/ - I pointed out to mom that this story proves my life could have turned out that way and that just because Christine is obvious she's not the only qualifier for the Special Olympics. I've already been through about my friend who was comatosed same amount a year after me who is capable of driving across the country and back, has a guardianship, and was in the special olympic. So yesterday I decided to get a change of scenery and go to the st. patrick's day "celebration." Called twice beforehand to make sure I was all set with a wheelchair and wifi. Unfortunately when I got there no one seemed to know their ass from their elbow as to why I couldn't connect to wifi so I wasted a day. (That actually is nothing out of the ordinary since I'm over-competent and under-experienced thanks to NYS ruining my future - maybe it's a matter of even the employees can't use the wifi but I beg to differ as all public wifis look the same). I only pieced together now that the constant coughing and throat pain I have was due to the emitting air fresheners in the taxi. Mom didn't drive in and I'm wondering if it has anything to do with insurance and her latest accident. God knows the stupidity/carelessness/life-violations that occur in this house when I'm not around. Hindsight is 20/20. So anyway, remember the double coupons from the 90s? In hindsight the human lab experimentation of the government (?). Well I used to buy those Glade scent emitters and had no problem with them then. I have also stopped taking all herb teas and supplements etal. plus this many years down the road my body has been through other situations. So we're sitting down eating when Aunt Maureen called to know where we were and when she joined us she didn't recognize me which is probably the norm lately and being the way things turned out, is how I'd rather have it. When I looked up a couple times she was looking at me probably wondering "What happened?!" which is nothing new but in my need for family I'd rather her say "Ok so we didn't know and we were wrong. Time to fix this." But Aunt Maureen has already stated to me that the sisters don't stick their nose into each other's child rearing business. YES THE SURROGATE'S COURT WAS AVAILABLE TO ME SO THAT I DIDN'T HAVE TO LOSE MY LIFE STARTING AT 18. If you fastforward to a conversation I had with her before she left us for the day I said/emphasized to her that it's in the law books about "being injured before the age of majority" (which means 18) and her aloof and disconnected response was "yeah but you get around OK." *smfh* all underwear to be hung out for all to see until I'm dead or someone fixes this. So I got around yesterday mostly pushing myself backwards in the wheelchair which has been the case since receiving police injuries in 2004 only aggravated by having to use a wheelchair while drugged by medications I never belonged on only to receive no justice for it due to the disconnectedness left to raise this life. Mom constantly talks NOW about getting a lawyer for different things. Fucking dumbass immigrants we were left with. Aunt Maureen wasn't that dumb. By her own testimony she said way back "That's not fair. She should be left back a grade." - although that's the same ebb and flow of mom because later on she declined going to a brain injury meeting making it sound like it's something along the order of having AIDS. So I didn't bother to get to the part about I know mom has the direction from Aunt Maureen long ago that "when they turn 18 you're no longer responsible" AND THAT WAS NOT THE CASE FOR ME - AGAIN "INJURED BEFORE THE AGE OF MAJORITY." In this fastforwarded conversation I had said to Aunt Maureen that if I look up a meeting happening with the New York State Brain Injury Association where she lives will she go with me and her response was "Oh I'm not going to one of those." Just like earlier while we were eating mom said to Aunt Maureen in a disgusted and embarrassed(?) voice that I got one of THOSE pointing out the nearby wheelchair I had transferred myself from to a regular chair from. I also happened to notice and recognized from the past that sometimes Aunt Maureen looks up and away when talking to mom. Aunt Maureen looked away from me when answering she's not going to "one of THOSE." During the fight we were to have later I pointed out the similarity of the two that those who don't look someone in the eye are lying (or hiding something). Go back to the fastforwarded conversation and Aunt Maureen asked if I really need one of those chairs and I said "Yes. I don't know why my mother is" (saying what she said -don't remember all exact words). "When we got here I walked from the car to the wheelchair area and I was dying. I can't walk far. Yes I'm handicapped. Yes I need this." How Ironic my back problems are from lack of legal help when I fell in the laundry room of The Syracuse Housing Authority and I was expected to speak for myself then too with no one taking care of the grown lives of children that needed to be catered to long ago. Last night I drank too much Vodka as played out when woken up around 1:30am. A ten year old died around here from a gunshot around 1am so it could be universe related. I was woken out of a dream by a pressure put on my heart on the inside wall pushing on the front of the heart and the dream and pressure were hand in hand. Then something that almost asphyxiated me twice while in my car in California happened. There's some kind of burning movement that happens in my digestive tract and then lots of saliva starts going off in my mouth. Sometimes that Saliva indicates I'm about to throw up but I didn't this morning. I rode out the saliva storm and couldn't get back to sleep. I also didn't choke like I have in the past because in a bed you can be on your side and in a bucket seat you don't have much choice. What had happened earlier on the eve of 3/17 is I started going ballistic over mom's denials and this time I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't just flare and then sit there in silence like I've done growing up in this house. I need to get back to writing more later. I'm tired (and I missed another day over what I thought would be strep throat).... It's the time of day I'm drinking myself to sleep and it seems to be a sinus cold I now have. feel like shit. ... 3/19/17 Still feel like shit and yesterday Christine had to stay home all day so I was there to put her in touch with what makes sense to us. Oblivious to mom's inability to take care of Christine's big picture, Christine says a regular phrase to mom that is nothing out of the norm: "This is what I USED TO watch." (Flashes of Cristina A. Mirda, Esq in court saying I'm estranged from my family). I'm not estranged from my family. I'm all too familiar with my family while Claire is a happy visitor out of touch with the awesome responsibility she's been given and seeing it from a hopeless hippy perspective rather than medically rehabilitative. In other words Christine is institutionalized material who "will never enjoy sex" and is hopelessly spiritually changed. (Flashes of Claire lying in court of things we conversated about on a regular basis).
... 3/21/17 so mom asking the time reminded me what I was
going to write about. Handicapped children with planning needs were left in the
care of a bad planner. Same happens to Christopher for different reasons
though. (With Christopher there was a denial of it for religious reasons. He
got pushed out of the nest again but I think I mentioned that). Mom is not able
to piece together that she has to ask for appointments later in the day. Just
like yesterday ... well this next appointment is for later days away at a good
time but this doctor's office got her in quick because of how much pain she's
in. So walking through yesterday it was a day off because I did 12 hours the
day before and Christine's alarm clock was going to interrupt my sleep. So I
didn't get enough sleep but being sick was keeping me awake so I got up to
clear out my space for the cleaning lady as well as wake up. I was awake the
whole time she was here; oh ok just like yesterday when mom was in the back and
I hear her making noise in pain so the cleaning lady asks her what's wrong and
she says how much she can't pick things up and there is a silence and I wonder
if the Cleaning lady is thinking that perhaps I was correct in what I suggested
2 weeks earlier that mom has 4 or 5 reachers in the house and she should have
one in most of the rooms she needs one in. But I'm not listened to and certain people feed into mom's denial to accept. Anyway the
planning to have reachers when needed highlights the continued lack of dealing
with lifelong medical needs. Our clocks had not been fixed yet when I put up
two eggs to boil and I told mom I will have enough time before the stove is
cleaned. Turns out I was wrong and mom went into her the-world-is-ending mode.
So that when Nancy could hear us in a ruckus she asked what is up. I told her
(after telling mom it’s no big deal because she does other cleaning before the
stove and it has time to cool down) and she said it’s fine. I said out loud
“THAT'S all we needed. Just one person here with another perspective to stop
this” – paraphrase. So now that she’s laying down feeling awful I say to her
that’s why next time she uses this car service she makes sure to ask for a car
that does not have scent emitters and she starts cutting off what I’m saying, saying she takes the car service all the time and they’re fine. So of course
I’m getting pissed off at this new behavior of cutting me off because she has
to be right (not that she is right). She just said to me the other day she
didn’t know the car had scent emitters in them while I couldn’t understand how
she missed it, yet today she’s changing her story just to be right. This
childishness is fine but completely inappropriate in the lives of children with
medical needs in a foreign country (to her). … I’m forgetting certain things as
I remember them (…oh I remember – the other thing mom kept cutting me off about
when talking to the RN or nurse was the cult claire is in and today or
yesterday it finally hit me after seeing something on TV that mom has been
persuaded into something with that cult. Our blowout fight St Paddy’s day night
was she is now denying the HUGE thing of my teen years – that she ever said it
was a cult. That blowout involved several other denials. Again “leave the past
in the past" means to mom the past never happened) but as far as today I don’t
help mom and it’s really obvious she needs physical help. The only thing I do
(to prove myself right) is set her up with the cough drop melted in hot water
and have her breathe in the menthol. It’s 4pm and Christine has had no lunch
today. Mom says for some reason she couldn’t get her underwear on when getting
dressed so she came out to her chair with her underwear on one leg. Christine
tries to help with her crutch as I am not around but within earshot. They can’t
figure out what the problem is but I come out and do. I go back to what I’m
doing and tell Christine to come back. She is not happy about that but this
woman is left on her own as that is how she wished it at the surrogate’s court.
I have never seen my mother’s private parts nor do I wish to but I have caught
a glimpse that brought back a memory about when mom said when she came to this
country she “really didn’t have to worry about that anymore” regarding shaving
her legs. In the year 2000 or after (and before 2004) I was saying to Claire in
desperately trying to understand my surroundings that mom said this because it
really seems a reality she was involved in witchcraft activity or unaware which I doubt. I don’t think I
even got the words out that claire did the same thing to me in shutting me up
just like she did in that the supernatural things she witnessed with The Way
were something like Wiccan activity but then it pulled her into a religious sect that specifically denies the medical needs we all have. Stupid sweet sounding bitch. Should I consider it irony that Ms. Mafia
Jay Lori (aka Jean Rocco) said the same things about not having to shave legs
(and she was the final straw in destroying my trust in the world – the unhealthy
kind). Remember Claire’s nickname in High School was Rocco. NO COINCIDENCE FOR
THOSE WHO HAVE MORE UNDERSTANDING. oh and who started her out having that nickname? The silent partners that destroyed our lives? ... In whatever course of thinking mom has
fallen into she’s done it before of using food as a weapon if I won’t do
something. Another activity happened today where it is obvious mom needs a
nurse to help her and I stayed in the room and could hear Chris try to help
her. Then in mom’s uneducated child ways she felt I would come around saying if
she doesn’t get help there’ll be no food. Immediately that’s a
make-fun-of-their-weight statement. Aunt Maureen does the same but not obvious
(to me). This is the childishness we were left in. When mom complained about
her watch on the floor I said “that’s what reachers are for.” … 3/22/17 not
sure how we all made it through the night. Mom REALLY needs a nurse for her personal
care and she got away with playing it down to the RN who was genuinely finding
out the needs. She can hardly see. She can hardly hear. She can’t remember. And
all is approved by Judge Deanne M. Wilson as Cristina A. Mirda Esq says I’m
estranged from all this yet Claire is the one estranged. Oh yeah and I notice
when you google her name my blog doesn’t come up. She really doesn’t want
people to know the mess she made? Really? Mom never took her pills yesterday.
Christine never received lunch yesterday. Mom still has yet to take her pills
today at 8:35am. Mom only did her eye drops in the morning yesterday. She has
yet to do them today. Mom says she’ll have to have someone get her cough
medicine but no mention of her family that lives 40 minutes away that has 3
grown men. TJ is back at school after a week of spring break off. Christopher supposedly moved back out (I’m guessing pushed
out of the nest – from a medical standpoint cruelly – and lives 20 minutes away
last I knew). … So tonight’s fight started with mom starting to ask me to do
things in getting christine’s dinner ready and I said no. When I told her she’s
obligated to support me because I was injured before the age of majority she
said “people” are saying I’m talking a lot of shit so I read to her exactly
what’s on the beginning of my blog. I made it very clear reading from my
source: “The law also provides one other major exception to the rule that
parents' duty to support their children ends at the children's majority: when
the child is disabled.” Then when I said I’ll call a (social security) lawyer
to ask them but she needs to answer some questions since she was the guardian
she said no. ... 3/24/17 I don’t have enough sleep for today because mom is
left to be a loose cannon not using a fucking reacher for something (THIS TIME
an 8 oz bottle of water that fell to the floor) when something drops. I got
woken up after 1 hour of sleep and now only have 4 hours total sleep. Now we
can trace back to all the years in college when I was living here and there was
too much “noise” although I was also too inappropriately over-aspiring in a
subject I didn’t have enough guidance on. Claire’s had a problem with this
happening just the same but has never had to testify at least after being court
ordered out of the house. Mom’s manic depressive outbursts – I’m not so sure
manic depressive is the right word. When she got on the phone not long after
this episode I let all be known. It was either Claire or Aunt Maureen. Aunt
Maureen went off on the subject of water so I yelled “the water is not the problem!
It’s the reacher!” Like a cool cat pro mom played all off that I was upset she
didn’t use a reacher making no mention of the decades-long outbursts in this
house done by mom. Aunt Maureen insists
they have to provide a nurse. Has she ever gone through this process? So after
roasting my ass off in the room mom slept in all these years (instead of
switching rooms where I was fucking freezing and fucking ignored) I come out
and get another drink to go back to sleep. She’s not awake yet but once I plug
in my laptop it’s too much noise where she has the clueless audacity to say she
has to get up in the morning. I say then she must know how I feel waking me up
last night instead of using the reacher. No response but a continuation of
repeating what she has already said. Flashes of the woodsmen mentality we were
never saved from – that mom is a piece of work but all is ok because she lost a
child and is still standing. … dream: standing in a bathroom with some girls from
first high school all grown up now and it’s after a few days(?) And I’m trying
to hit the road to go home(?) And I say someone who had just crossed my mind
was the bully who had to go to drug rehab in the midwest (and last I looked them up, became a nurse). We were each standing
by their own toilet and some (most) had single (film) toilet paper inside
floating and no seats. And when I said this girl just crossed my mind others
there acknowledged but didn't have any comment. There were no doors on the stalls much like the dream I had
that took place in Syracuse in the last three years. But there was more concern
for me getting on the road and I would stay in the nearest truck stop. Not good
enough ones up north so I think I would be staying in my car on the first thruway(?)
stop. Mom’s cell phone going off woke me up at 10:15am. … I told mom last night
like I’ve mentioned a few times this is not ending this way. Dad’s money is not
being given to charity all the while she’s living in oblivion away from
acceptance of our handicapped lives. This
time mom ¼ pivoted her head to me starting to make a “hm” noise and I can
guarantee this loose cannon paranoia is only being fed into by silence. She’s
copying someone and I would guess it’s Pat Guide. Welcome to immigrants in
America as I’ve been taught. Copiers to blend in. This past Friday again it happened
that mom asked Chris what she had to eat that day and it was meat. Christine is
disconnected from Catholicism and mom has put it in the care plan of Christine
that she is to be kept going to the Catholic church every Sunday with some
handicapped group. This will not be ending this way. Oh and I could hear mom's new friends in Christine's handicapped groups say "because only bad people..." mom's newest phrase that I don't do shit and leave her to her own devices until she fixes this. Mom tells them half the story to hear what she wants.… 3/26/17 I
hope I’ve gotten 6 hours sleep. I am woken with Christine in a bad way saying “It’s
7:15” and that tone of voice is usually elicited by mom overwhelming her. Little while later I’m
woken again by mom going on about how much she can’t do and I’m not going to
fall for it. Her complaints only get louder and holding in the “first morning
pee” is only getting harder so as I come in the kitchen she asks me to open the
milk I bought yesterday. I’m then informed she started to make regular coffee
but then stopped to do instant because the filter fell down inside the coffee maker putting grains in the pot. I tell her I’m
going to make 8 cups; to go ahead and have the instant and Chris’s second cup
can be non-instant. Her hands haven’t gotten that weak, it’s a combo of the arthritis
and the time constraint. I’m in the bathroom and I hear her say she dropped the
cap. I come out and she’s doing her screams of pain as she bends to pick up the
cap (bending is causing specific pain in the leg) and I yell “that’s why you
use a fucking reacher! Where’s the fucking reacher?” She tells me it’s on the table
so I use the reacher to pick up the cap. This loose-cannon incompetence was all
approved by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. If only Christine could verbalize. If only. … 3/29/17 Mom
forgot to set the alarm last night so after about 4 hours of sleep I'm woken by
mom's outbursts followed by her calming christine for the monster she just
brought out in Christine. When I come out I ask what the problem is when Chris
doesn't have to get up. Mom starts with her shit and I said something -
probably that he'll probably be here in 10 mins and mom supposedly corrects me
and says "What the hell is wrong with you?!" This is the shit we had
no escape from. My response “What the hell is wrong with you??!! Be careful
what you say to children! (fucking damage control!)” … Mom is up out of bed to call Claire back at
11:20pm 3/29/17. She's also up to take her pills so yet to see if she'll call.
The other day mom said it was stephanie's birthday and seemed to be waiting for
a reaction. Ha! She got one. Maybe if stephanie were alive honesty would
be done at the surrogate's court. If I google deanne m. Wilson will I find an
obituary? Nope mom didn't call Claire. In the last couple days the life-flash of
our lives happened by mom backtracking on reality about the elevator guy(s)
that stole mom's screwdriver from the back table downstairs. She is now using
time as her comfort that "well they have enough tools so why would they
take it?" I'm the one who left it on that table and I'm the one too exhausted
that day to go downstairs while they were here. I also many times let go of the
stereotypes that plague us leaving a dominican immigrant and black man to be trusted.
The next time we needed these guys only the dominican came. These days they
didn't come at all. When mom asked about her missing screwdriver the dominican
suddenly didn't understand English. So anyway the conclusions mom comes to
shows what rape was done to our lives. Mom beating up the boys in her own
country growing up only inappropriately raped our lives in a country she
doesn't belong caring for medically needy children. … I
forgot to mention how the guy across the street did something that screams
Trump and I think is highly illegal. Streaks of liquid were coming from
under his vehicle van out to the street. A black bag was laying in front of van
until I rolled away. The mother came out at one point hesitantly checking in on
the van and then walking up the street toward relatives where christine's childhood
friend lives. The streaks were drying up as it was getting dark. … 3/30/17 Just
another reminder of our slap in the face lives: http://www.zacharlawblog.com/2017/01/preserving-evidence-after-a-wreck-what-do-you-do.html
and another reminder: http://www.zacharassociates.com/accident-injuries/soft-tissue-injury-lawyers/
. What Christopher should know: https://www.abclawcenters.com/video/
. I don’t know if I transferred in everything but when mom flys off her wheel
saying Claire and others are busy with a JOB I finally said “You know I’m
specifically not working right?” NO FUCKING RESPONSE. “You know I can work but
this has to be fixed?” NO FUCKING RESPONSE. Today before I left – can’t
remember right now. ... 4/1/17 oh I remember and have remembered several times - just haven't come back here to write it down. So it's a part of our lives post accident that - actually I already wrote about this with the screwdriver that mom changes her story that they never stole the screwdriver because they already have their tools yet it's only after they were there alone downstairs that the screwdriver disappeared from the table I had placed it on. Ok so last night the medical lifetime inappropriateness we were left in surfaced. Mom ran into a dental emergency. She thought she doesn't want to go out again so she would wait to call them this morning. WRONG ANSWER - FUCK A "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" DEFICIENCY - YOU NOTIFY THE PEOPLE WHO JUST WORKED ON YOUR TEETH RIGHT AWAY. So her inability to get her head together was evident in the constant emotional goings on which is understandable but NOT what we needed for proper care in our lives. We needed a father or someone else around. Flashes of Claire claiming she did her best (end of story). As she was running around in her emotional circles I said "THIS is the care we were left in?" and Christine seemed to catch on but in this emergency seemed to inappropriately complain mom (can't remember what she was saying mom never does). We just had no one to take care of us as we needed from a medical standpoint followed by an evil moron judge who asks, witnesses, admonishes mom for improper medical care and then just let's the whole thing slide. Oh I further don't receive justice because I don't hold back what I have to say about the judge? Oh ok sick fucking joke. … 4/4/17 what a fucking circus. We have a nurse here and
there is a translation barrier. Mom will not listen to me that I
won’t be here tomorrow and she insists it will be fine. Fucking stupid pride
increasing problems. So I’m exhausted after using my google translator as much as I have to assist
and I left all to mom. Mom is now downstairs screaming at someone doing things
ways mom doesn’t understand and the situation is only worse because the person
doing them doesn’t understand English very well. (Now in her older years mom doesn't do these over-the-top screaming freak-outs like she used to so there is remaining evidence as to what existed. This is over the washing machine use by a stranger and there is left-over apprehension from when an aid came here and broke the washer by pulling too hard on the on-knob so mom had to call someone to come and fix the washing machine. She was also scared that it's a gas dryer and with something broken off (blow up?). Flashes to my discriminatory landlord who made fun of me with that. That aid never came back - never returned mom's call. Mom screamed at them as if they were a stupid child back then - yet mom thought nothing of her reaction. Today's screaming (flashes of Claire the fucking airhead who can't piece together - nm) was different but mom was calmer after seeing she was wrong and the aid didn't turn on the dryer without any clothes inside). When mom got down there after
using the elevator I yelled down that the washing machine was just turned on.
In mom’s ½ deaf situation she starts freaking out yelling “it is??? I have to
show her first.” And I said “that’s why this won’t work if I’m not here
tomorrow to translate.” When mom was screaming about the dryer I yelled down
that she needs to first make sure the lint bin is cleaned. That reminded mom
who’s not thinking straight and of course the lint bin needed to be emptied.
The aid didn’t understand that mom was telling her to turn the dryer off (not
just for the sake of the lint bin but mom was under the impression the dryer
was empty. Finally the aid understood the word “open” to turn off the dryer
but the language barrier wasn’t able to tell mom that. Mom is still talking to her
with regular words. So it sounds like they got through doing wash and the nurse
is using a broom that isn’t usu – well I guess that’s no big deal. So earlier I
said aloud to Christine that this isn’t going to work and Christine said in a
frustrated voice “I know.” And I said “we can’t have all this screaming here.
Actually I was right about the floors. Mom got back upstairs from doing the
wash with the new aid and first thing mom says is that our cleaning lady
already did that. The aid said “OK” and just continued on. These episodes from mom is what I went out into the world and did and paid a dear price and no one is getting to the issue it stems from. Mom is left a loose cannon. I lost my life. The aid doesn’t speak enough English. Mom can’t hear that the aid is cleaning with
spray which would be the same response as sweeping. I finally told mom she
needs to cease and desist if this is not working. We don’t need this screaming
here. The aid is now sitting down. So now the aid didn’t understand when it
comes to washing the pan and the aid can’t understand the word “soak” and this
is just a fucking circus and mom still insists they’ll get along just fine
tomorrow without me. So after trying to get through all that verbage it seems
things were understood but were they? The aid said “it’s clean” but wasn’t able
to say/comprehend “soak.” And the narcissist is still at it saying no to every
issue I’m bringing up. When I just try to reason how I know Chris best through
what shows she watches it’s still no no no. When the RN was here earlier and I
could tell Christine was not going to understand that she was not being
understood (the language barrier) I started to say that to the RN and my mother was trying to shut me
up that I was just causing problems. But the RN actually agreed and better
stated what I was trying to say. AND THESE ARE THE CLARIFICATIONS CHRISTINE’S
CARE IS MISSING OUT ON. Mom is acting like Sheldon at the Physics Bowl. So
without a hearing aid mom can’t hear what the clicks happening downstairs are
and when her washer or dryer goes guess who’s going to get blamed. So now we’re
doing the second load of wash. I’m trying to tell mom that Christine is the one
who will hear all this screaming when I’m not around oh and when I said to mom
about the screaming downstairs her reply
just like in history is “oh that was just about the washing machine.” So I
brought up about the next thing it’s going to be about and mom says no. I give
her the example of if the dishwasher was ever done wrong and we wind up with a flood downstairs and mom doesn’t answer and just keeps telling
me no. Lots of people love Sheldon in the comedy but this is no comedy and
Christine is not able to express how good this situation is NOT and mom will
just gloss over it as if it is “fine” - why would tradition be any different? So things were pretty damper when
Bewitched was on so I said forget it. But when CHPS came on I asked her if she
wanted to sit and watch it. So mom insisted again she’d have to move the basket
she had on the table by the TV viewing area but the aid was already helping
Christine sit down and Christine verified it wasn’t in the way so I said aloud
this is another example that I’m putting down and Christine said “yes.” Oh and
mom was trying to explain in full english sentences to the aid that “there’s
spray and wash if there’s any stains.” AS IF THE AID UNDERSTOOD THAT. Mom
insists her screaming is not a problem. ... 4/5/17 So things started to calm down and I detected the aid starting to "OK" mom to death and there were some times that the aid asked me instead I guess because I could speak some Spanish and I had a google translator on hand. I specifically showed her how to get google translator on her own phone typing "I want you to be prepared for when I'm not here tomorrow" (in Spanish) and after she read and understood she let me know others that could help her. She's actually from where one of my best friends who deserted me is from. Many hours from now I'll find out how today went - not the truth from mom but at least some insight.
... flashes of when mom recently is saying I was going to pay some price for how I was acting (towards her) and now knowing she is feeling empowered by people who only have her snippets of what happens so she can feel better. Why has mom never been forced to a psychiatrist but her children have and have been assaulted by those very entities she is against and thinks is a bunch of crap? flashes of Pat Guide sitting across from mom telling me what her psychiatric diagnosis of OCD is and she has NO IDEA of the history of the woman she is sitting across from. Up comes my vomit-projectile feeling of "fucking immigrants."
... 4/7/17 paranoia started to set in which in childhood would have caused me severe problems (brain injury related) as blogger wasn't allowing me to sign in 4/7/17 but that's why Google+ Help is so awesome. My college training really taught me a lot about separating paranoia with just-calm-down-and-look-at-other-options-first. What I'm trying to record today on my blog: ... 4/6/17 As far as the screaming episode in the laundry room, the only difference between now and then is mom didn’t end her first screaming episode with “My nerves! My nerves!” This time mom ended with "I can't take this!" and now (4/8/17) I understand that's where some people shut mom off. But what happens when you grow into that? Just like Stephen Hawking is still alive with Lou Gherig's disease because he got it young and grew into it? Just like I had a 6 year old tibia that healed bent and was still walking around with it like that into my 30s because my body grew into it? Are we listening Morris County Surrogate’s court? Do we give a fuck about fixing our mistake? Or we’re just fine with disregarding the children’s lives we were charged with protecting? I’m pretty sure that outburst screaming is exactly what the court saw come to Claire long ago in court after she crashed her car and that’s what got Claire court-ordered out of the house. NOTHING DONE FOR US STILL HERE. Mom is in too much pain to assist the showering situation with Christine so that Christine is frustrated with the language barrier. She will get through but it will have long term affects. Mom disregards the importance of that. - So this morning I woke up and the coffee pot was on with no water or coffee in it. I turned it off and went to the bathroom, came back out and mom was startled to learn that was the case. Those are the new dangers no one is taking care of. With a hearing aid mom would have heard gurgling noises the coffee pot would have been making. I still can’t figure out how it was on. It turns off after 2 hours so the earliest it would have been on is around 5:30am but I checked the “set delay” time and the set delay time was for 12:00. Mom declared twice she hadn't gotten up. Mom said that yesterday she got some of her wash done by putting it in with Christine’s and that’s exactly what I was afraid of. THEY ARE SPECIFICALLY ONLY TO HELP THE PERSON THEY ARE ASSIGNED TO – at least according to one of the agencies we’ve been evaluated by. … So today at one point the aid specifically came to me to ask a question and I followed her with my translate in hand. She said “on?” as she was pointing to the vacuum and I yelled out the english question to mom and then I typed into the translate that our cleaning lady already did it on Monday. In contrast from the getgo I could have just sat here and said and done NOTHING. NO ASSISTANCE. But the wheels were already turning with the RN’s arrival. (Actually when the RN was doing the initial evaluation she was asking what assistance we all need and mom sugar-coated her personal care needs after I explained to mom what the RN was trying to ask her. Yesterday I clarified to the RN the medical shoe mom is wearing wrong because she can’t put it on right and it’s not doing justice for her foot). The aid is just sitting here on her phone. She doesn’t know what to do and the language barrier makes it more difficult. At least I know she’s looking to shop for new furniture online. ... 4/7/17 So it really gets exhausting for me doing translating but it just happened that way. Yesterday she said about me cooking and I explained to her on the translator that it's too much of a long story for me on translator but me and Christine are injured just the same but I was ignored. That when I came home from the hospital mom wouldn't let me cook or sew. When she pointed out how mom needs a nurse (and I don't doubt it would be to advertise her help) I put in the translator that our sister died in the accident but mom was never ordered to go for grief counseling and we really needed something. That the screaming she did in the laundry room is only the tip of the iceberg of what we've been through. That mom lied at the surrogate's court and I was cut out of Christine's guardianship and I try to stay uninvolved. That I'm very angry. I didn't even mention Claire. ... Ok it's 5 hours later since I started today and the problem is fixed on G+. So I also meant to mention about this situation that mom talks to this woman as if she understands things and that poses a problem or danger to Christine when you consider that this aid is not brain injury knowledge specific (as in knowing hemiplegia i.e.). What happened is the rug mom uses on the bathroom floor is not the same as the one Christine uses. Mom had taken a shower before Christine and left her rug on the floor. There was a total absence in understanding and Christine took a shower with mom's rug AND for safety reasons the rug had to be picked up when not in use. The rug was never picked up but Christine was fine (for now). Christine is used to doing things a certain way and I'm pretty sure that's a constant that should stay with brain-injured. As we were just chatting at one point when there was nothing to do, mom is conversating with this aid as if the aid understands so with my translator in hand I type some things out for her. I had to tell mom a few times "she doesn't understand you." Part of the conversation was an earthquake fault line along the Ramapo Mountain range and she didn't understand the word earthquake so she called her English-fluent son and I told him what we were trying to say and so he got back on the phone with his mother and she understood. It may not even be necessary for me to have translated. It's exhausting for me to try to remember Spanish, sift through the correct words, and use the translator. When I learned mom got and returned the call of the RN it's no surprise mom sugar-coated everything as simply "it's an adjustment but everything is ok." Everything with mom is "fine." Something as blatant as breaking the knob on the washer is not ok yet mom still expected that aid to come back (but that aid never called back). ... 4/9/17 hahahaha Claire's ass is being kicked. She has feet problems now and is sometimes late to work. Should I call her a lazy ass now? Of all the non-medical life she lived and then just fed into mom's denial. This is not going down like this in this big fat lie. Breathing is harder these days. Had to pull over twice last night on my way home to cough properly and spit out mucous(?) as without getting it out breathing stays shallow. There's still time to save this situation. ... oh yes and more rape of Christine's life. I see the note sent home with her from her workshop that due to an error with payroll or something that they were overpaid and so to recoup the money, instead of receiving $30-something they will be cut pay to $18-something. What a bunch of greedy fucking bastards. Christine could and should be in a more appropriate brain injury rehabilitative involvement. Fucking bullshit. ... 4/11/17 oh yes and when the aid - can't remember so I will come back to that point. This morning mom started her going on of pain saying she didn't know how she was going to pick up her 8oz bottle on the floor and I said "use a reacher" and she said "I know" and we got into it. I think I said "well if you know than just get to it and stop putting these lives through this." As always invalidating me just like when I told her about my friend in NY who is my age and comatose same amount a year later and his mother does NOT go on like mom does over every little thing. Invalidation that I'm telling the truth. A habit of life as I know it. Completing a task correctly is so rehabilitatively important that regardless of mom's constant impatience Christine is happy when she remembers something right or completes a task right. I noticed her jubilance this morning. Just another day. ... I did ask mom again why the light is out on the dishwasher. Prelude to another laundry room incident? These outbursts have really taken a toll on the lives of me and Christine. Oh but mom is more important. (sarcasm). ... 4/12/17 Yesterday’s record is not on here (note about backup). So what I
forgot about the aid deals with the rug in the bathroom. The aid didn’t
understand mom saying the rug had to be picked up after the shower (for
Christine’s safety) or did she? She already learned how out of it mom is from
mom’s laundry room outburst. I’m sure (rightfully so) she has turned mom off in
many cases at least that's a possible impression. I asked Christine if she went in and out of the bathroom ok with
the rug there and she did. Mom is ridiculous with many things. For example,
when she gets new furniture no one is allowed to sit on them or use them and I
can see that being a culture copy-cat thing even if it’s from TV. Yesterday was
80 degrees and it sounds like the aid was saying how hot it was. Mom didn’t
open any windows and today mom did her ridiculousness of me opening the
windows. Today is supposed to be cooler. I grew up in this insanity post
accident. There have been times I told mom she has no sense of physics. I’m too
exhausted right now to go into it. ... 4/13/17 After I finished typing yesterday I lay down on the couch zapped of energy. The rug had been picked up from the bathroom floor after Chris had taken a shower. It seems the conversation I had with the aid was not in her memory. It was too exhausting to go through it again so I didn't. I'm feeling exhausted again today. But I remember from the bilingual ways like when my supervisor once... 4/16/17 So to finish off the last entry I had memories back to a job I did once where they were extremely happy I would use whatever Spanish I could with the customers but knowing the tricks of the immigrant bilingual trade, this collections supervisor had to collect from a Chinese guy once and he swore he couldn't speak English at his restaurant so she called back and asked all kinds of questions above normal about an order. He spoke English just fine so she finally let on who she was and told him to pay up. Just sayin. So it turns out mom did more waste with surgery. The toe she had operated on by the foot doctor used on Christine's denial of me involved in Christine's care and who has never addressed Christine's snapping knee, was a waste of time because the toe next to it started acting up, and believe me we hear her going on all the time. So she went to another doctor who recommended amputation (?!?!?! - I know how that freaked her out) because every toe she gets operated on, it's just going to do the same thing. Mom's years long foot doctor does house calls and he has the same thinking as me. When mom told him about the amputation recommendation his first question was "Is he a surgeon?" That's what a surgeon will say because that's what they do just like mom went to a knee replacement factory doctor to get the recommendation that all her friends who don't have a 35+ year orthopedic history had much success with. The orthopedic doctor she's been going to all these years who was never sued for malpractice for leaving a bent bone in my leg at the emergency room and whose ex wife is the fat phobic psychologist who couldn't see past what I turned into rather than FINALLY addressing brain damage, told mom not to have a second knee replacement. Sure enough mom is worse off but feels she's not because she no longer has pain in the knee that was replaced. This is the profound lack of medical care and insight me and Christine were left in only brought to a higher level of confidence by Judge Deanne M. Wilson at the Morris County Surrogate's Court. It's Easter but bunny's don't lay eggs and Easter things are not only things available to Jesus so I'm out of the house for a while until Claire and her gang are done at the Australian Outhouse and they are no longer local. My life is flashing before my eyes as the Vietnamese doctor who was injured by police on a plane gets justice for what I never did because I'm stuck with morons neglecting a life. I'm on a slow connection and will probably only be here for another hour or two.... 4/20/17 How ironic. At the library I last saw Miss Don't Let The Door Hit You On The Way Out there is now a two hour time limit. There goes all my progress. Fuck this. Stupid bitch. I can't but help to keep making the connection for real.... Racist fucking discriminatory bitch. I could spew out worse slurs. stupid bitch stupid bitch with no rhyme or reason. ... 4/26/17 so as I wait out the week for Students to finish their last minute projects before finals the pressure is mounting. I just can't take the fucking silent care we were left to. Recently NYC'er Joy Bahar said something about "just let them talk themselves into their own destruction" - paraphrase. THAT'S the act-like-an-american inappropriateness we were left with. (flashes of mom sitting across the table from Pat Guide not saying a word about the life preparedness and life issues that Pat Guide can AT LEAST dialogue about). Flashes of the woman at the earth day event who seemed to be talking to me condescendingly but that's part of the social reading damage done to me by coma that was never dealt with and only brought to a higher level by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. I'm many times not able to see if they're being condescending or nice when I don't know them. There are two things I was specifically putting down today as I had to make note about them on my phone. Yesterday I assisted with the language problem as well as today and both times our lives flashing before my eyes that we were left to this fucking immigrant who would be fine if medical lives were not involved. Yesterday I heard Christine struggle with the language barrier that the nurse couldn't help her because she was out of necessities for the month. Knowing life around this house I highly doubted that was the case and had to disturb mom from the phone to know if she had some and mom answered me and her cousin Mary on the phone must have said "What's that?" and mom dismissively said "Oh just some question I was asking and she'd have to deal with it when she gets off the phone. LIE. Today as well it would be a disaster if I was not here to help with translation because the word "box" was not understood. The aid brought upstairs the clothes / towels she saw in an old yellow laundry carrier and I clarified. The aid used some gestures of things laying around and we understood. I loudly said to mom that this situation wouldn't happen without me. That the last aid mom just kept screaming at never called mom back and as mom stumbled on her words I reminded her how things went down. Deny deny deny. I left early to get more alcohol. Mom has a disregard of ANY nonphysical well being of me and christine. When mom says "we'll get by" she leaves out Christine lashing back at her with "shut up!" Anyway I need to go get dinner and remain in my extremely pissed off state being failed by so many. there was another thing i'm forgetting. at ... ok so after round 1 I remember. Yesterday mom talked again about how I should try the dental schools for myself and YET AGAIN I had to go into how I'm taking the death sentence while she is not taking care of her other children. That's what started us on the wrong foot these past two days. Just like those few and far between nail-head-hitters, my ex knew for damn-sure he "would never be able to put up with my mother's ways" (thanks a lot! That really helps!) yet he's not around as a witness AND he also stated he could never imagine losing a child - so his solution just remains hanging in the air.. Just like my friend who graduated Suma Cum Laude from college only to get brain damage from the liquid diet that followed TMJ surgery said I'm far better off not remembering who I was before brain damage. Tonight I think the aid was already gone when we got into it that mom declared she's the boss and I went off "do you know how many bosses are arrested for fraud??? Do you know how many bosses are found guilty of" (can't remember how I phrased it). The RN has already witnessed the destructive invalidation by the only guardian we were left with. I'm another drink closer to death. No more life-saving fruits, vegetables, herbs, lemon water or tea. I can't function without coffee. Recently mom's "forgetfulness" iterated for the first time I should get checked out my gas problem. WHAT?!?!?! OBLIVIOUS!!! I had to remind her what she sounded like at my age exactly. She used to look out my window at night at was happening in the neighborhood while I was in bed and right in my head!! Stupid! But then again all these people talking to her about the past is the past AGAIN is her ticket to the past never happened. I must have inherited serious gas problems from her even though I been saying something was done to my digestion in the children's hospital. Unbelievable how reality is now being written off. At that age I even complained to Aunt Theresa who joked I must have thought there was "a tractor going by." Aunt Theresa whom mom is mysteriously and suspiciously getting along great with. With Aunt Theresa's statement there is an unspoken "I have sleeping problems too. Let me complain about that too." Flashes of the fat-phobic psychologist in denial they are fat-phobic. She should see Aunt Theresa! She has seen her in the pictures I've shown her of the sister reunions mom has gone to many of times. What do I have? No fucking sister reunions that's for sure. Are you listening Judge Deanne M. Wilson??? There may have been something else over these past days I'm not remembering. oh and here's the real sickening part. She says her rosary (like now) before going to sleep which has hurt us more than help us. While claire lives in her hypocrisy knowing full well she had to get out of this environment for sanity oh but god took care of me being stuck here and mom tried her best all the while believing mom's rosary is a problem. ... 4/27/17 I again drove home the point that her staying here all by herself acted adverse to our well-being. It fell on deaf ears. This morning I got woken up by all of mom's wails of pain about the garbage being in her way. 3 years and she just can't do things the right way. We don't need this shit in this country with no protection. ... I heard Chris in response say to mom a disturbed-disappointing "Ok" and what that tone of voice means is Chris's whole mood is bad (created by mom's disturbing outbursts). The same thing happened when our cousin Laura took care of us that summer when mom was in Ireland and Chris lost a lot of weight. When I say i don't agree with what Chris had to go through it's a flashback to when mom got home and she could tell right away something was wrong with Chris. Chris is very easy to read when something is wrong and she's not happy. I was able to tell Chris is not the same after I bought my house and at different times when Christine's morale is going bad when she is left here to mom going on and on. History shows you can only read these things when Chris is at home and just like me copies mom's "jolliness" when out and about. ... was going to write some other stuff and forgot as i was looking up directions for where I am today on a fruitless job search because I have no clothes for an interview and if my information will be online it falls on them and not me as to who put it online. I'm too damaged. ... 5/3/17 Made some notes offline I'll have to transfer in and I'll get to it one of these days. VERY BUSY but just constant reminder of how Christine is missing out on in this douchebag part of America. Fucking fix this. ... 5/5/17 I missed a day of productivity because of the immigrant in this country who doesn't belong here denying all legal and medical rights of children who were left in her care by a bunch of douchebags. Mom had been out for some hours. I went back to bed when the aid got there. OH AND DON'T LET ME FORGET HOW FUCKING PISSED OFF I WAS THAT A NEW RN CAME TO THE HOUSE ON A DAY I WAS NOT THERE. Can't trust mom that oh they called after I was gone from the house. Anyway, I woke up 2 hours later and we were all interacting same as ever between translation and me making Christine laugh with my burps and the TV shows we used watch when we were little. Mom comes home and maybe she was upset she didn't get to accomplish all she liked to but she was particularly cold-snappy with all she would say even as I was trying to assist her in getting onions out of the freezer, etc. Finally I said "would you stop (imitated screaming)." Then I had to try turning off her oven fan I had put on for the aid WHICH MOM SHOULD KNOW but just like I had to show mom how to use her microwave in other ways, mom had no idea. It was the aid who figured out how to turn off the fan which is tied into the microwave above the stove. So again with her complaints of how hard everything is for her I said about how she needs to go back to the surrogate's court and fix it so she doesn't have to live like that and she cut me off with her latest shit of how full of shit I am and eventually she said I was gone for 20 years and lived life just fine followed by her saying that I'm just listening to someone which not only is the usual invalidation but the someone she is referring to is the brain injury counselor who FINALLY let me know what was wrong with me. The guy who lived with the brain injured in a VA(?) as part of his schooling so that when my crying spells or stories of rage came along, was no big deal. It/they a common symptom of brain injury that he lived with and observed day in and out. I met him while in college and he kept telling me I should take care of the legal stuff but I was overwhelmed by him saying that. I didn't know how to go about it while I was in school and I was essentially deserted by family in assuring proper legal and medical rights. So back to what happened next (and for the next 17(?) hours?). After mom took her attitude about the surrogate's court I said that's why she is to go back to the country she understands life in. I lost it and the aid started to stick around rather than leave. I don't know how much she understood but something was definitely wrong. All I did was keep repeating I was gone for 20 years and I was just fine. I ran the gamut of only once has mom slept at one of my living spaces and she's never eaten at my living spaces because of the lifestyle she set up when I got home from the hospital in not letting me continue to cook. I ran the gamut of what is wrong with her grandson and she denied it. It was at this point that the aid was standing by the stairs looking my way as I was running through the special schooling he didn't qualify for so it all fell on Claire to do. I said "What Claire never told you all of this because she thinks you're too stupid to understand? ... You talk all the time. What do you talk about???" I was basically being harassed as usual but at the moment not able to climb out of it. After the aid left (and all I could say to her was "sorry" and she said "es ok" as she went down the stairs) I went to take a shower. It was then it hit me about "listening to someone" so I came out of the bathroom still booming with a new one "oh and who did you finally listen to in getting a lawyer??? It's just not good enough when I say it???" After my shower I had way too much energy (which I used to walk off whether it was 5 miles or 10 miles depending on the level of fucking disregard) so I let my mother know I was now having a night of drinking because of her. Mom was helping Chris put on her jacket and Christine's annoyance was shining through because she was tired (of listening to me?) and I asked where they were going but mom said they were going to the Elks and I said oh you're going to get some perspective about this situation there? - paraphrase. And mom said no that they don't talk about these situations at the elks. And I said that's her problem. She never said anything to anyone so this could be fixed (when I was 18) or ever. I told her and told her Christine is not the only one who needs care and she fucking ignored me and did nothing. 2 drinks later I was still awake when they got home 3 hours later and I didn't let up. I kept at it. I got 2 hours of sleep and after going to the bathroom still went at it. Wanting to take a break from the drinks I did Vodka instead so 2(?) hours later it felt sure as shit I was going to sleep but nope - I couldn't sleep. An hour and a half later I go for another drink so by the time I'm done with that the alarm had gone off and I could go back to sleep. I woke up 2 or 4 hours later and still went at it (or maybe not. I don't remember). I do know that rage pumping through my veins just wasn't ending so I drank myself to sleep again. When I got up at 3pm and was drinking coffee I still went at it and didn't stop until I left the house at 6pm. At the 5pm mark mom called for a pizza for dinner. It turned out to be a bad choice to stay in her presence and still go on because the conversation changed to me being let go from Social Security when I was 18 and she said it simply had to do with me turning 18. I reminded her she told Social Security I was working and they cut me off. She denied she told them anything (the story changing) an my blood started to rise. I then wasted my time in this harassment by telling her they never told her there is a Work option to keep your benefits. As the Hitler bitch kept her cool and then just stopped answering me about it's not just Christine disabled and that I was never taken to a doctor like Christine for Social Security to continue I swiped all papers on the table. She said "That's it. I'm calling the police." as she went toward the phone and I stopped and said "Go right ahead." and she stopped going to the phone and I said "see empty threats!" (I really paid a price out in the world with those empty threats like when Mighty Mouse actually went ahead and had the police arrest me after pulling my pants half way down in physical therapy wasn't enough for him - something his aid Barbara witnessed but NYS has no fucking justice for fucks like that guy). FUCKING LISTEN BITCH TO THE LIVES YOU WERE GIVEN GUARDIASHIP OF AND STOP FUCKING LYING. It turns out a glass broke during my rage attention getting swipe. I'm guessing it's an internal blood blister pop on my thumb. Did I break my thumb and infection will spread? Yes! Let it be that I am done with this sick joke of a life. All she could do is tell me to clean up the mess I made and I said how ironic it is that no one is making her clean up the mess of the lives she was left to care for in a country she doesn't fucking understand. Words that went no place were "Claire is in a Republican-centered brain washing sect. Who did I EVER hear the word brain-washing from??? FROM HER." (Which was the same time I only ever heard of the "guinneys" Claire got involved with. As if I knew what all this meant growing up in suburbia). When the pizza guy came I thought he might say something about the mess but he didn't. When I was ready to leave I thought better of it and told mom I just better stay put as I don't know what next she's going to do. I finally just told her do whatever she needs to do and left the house still at it like I had been since she came out with her newest "I was gone for 20 years and was just fine." As I have learned the hard way whether it was when I was blatantly assaulted or white-collar deceived, you CANNOT medicate these brain injury related responses I have. I now have a blood blister underneath my thumb (so it feels like) for my swipe of the table. All of this chaos THAT NO ONE DID A THING ABOUT FOR YEARS is how I wind up with a name "MaryJaneButler." There are other details though out the past 24 to 48 hours that are just not coming to me now. Oh and so then I drive up the street to run into problems with the illegal immigrants who can't speak English yet are taking orders at the drive thru. I asked for a $2 McCafe and up on the screen comes 1 egg mcmuffin. so he fixes that and puts up a medium coffee and I tell him no that he needs to get rid of that and I want a $2 McCafe mocha and the only thing on the screen is a 1 medium coffee. Eventually he gives up and tells me to drive forward. When I get to the payment window where there is an English speaking American person I tell her she doesn't have my order because he's not understanding what I am saying. She said "all I have is a medium coffee" and I say "no that is wrong. take that off of there." So I go through each thing I want and it becomes resolved. I drive down the highway and go to the U-turn to come here and the usual of two lanes is not happening so I simply go forward where the one lane are cars that are going to the outer lane. There is a car behind me who is probably used to the two lanes but the car next to me is pulling forward so I don't cut him off. He beeped 3 times at me and when we go to pull out he races to get in front of me. I hold up two fingers for him to let him know there are 2 lanes there. I see him beebopping his head of which I don't know if he's enjoying music or talking back to me as if I'm a child who lost a game. So light turns green and I ride his ass across the highway. He puts on his left blinker and as I pass him I keep my hand on the fucking horn. Jackass. ... oh yes flashback that before I left tonight I threw in about mom going to jail for hiding Christine's assets overseas in Ireland and I know who is handling them to. That I'm not her worse nightmare. Her imagination of all that could happen in this strange land is. That Christine's lawyer never would have said she was afraid I was after Christine's money if mom hadn't said it. Flashback that mom was saying something about how the lawyer knew it was ok to cut me off at 18 for social security. She wouldn't answer that he SAID that. Just that he knew. 1. Did the lawyer (whoever the fuck she's talking to these days) know I was also in a hospital with Christine? That all of us were involved? 2. No lawyer is going to say that's the case. Flashback to mom's 20 year claim if it was during the 20 years I brought home a brand new puppy and it was healing for Christine? Was it during the 20 years that I had to pull out of school for a semester over a discriminatory landlord and all mom did is say to the landlady, "well if you've been pregnant than you must know what it's like to have medical problems" and that was the damn fucking end of it. No fucking lawyer for me and when we had to go to the Division of Human Rights she was the only witness that could come with me and she just laughed at the whole thing saying they aren't going to help me. Flashback of all this stupidity that needed A FUCKING LAWYER. ... oh yes and flashback to after the aid was gone mom saying "Why don't you go to counseling?" as an answer and I said (or screamed?) "That's the fucking problem. I wasn't taken back to the hospital that could take care of BRAIN DAMAGE that I lost my life with all these inappropriate psychologists and psychiatrists" - paraphrase. Mind you the psychologist we went to (who is the ex wife of the emergency room doctor who left a bent bone in my leg) only fed into mom's denial of dealing with real issues by staying stuck on my weight. It felt like I landed on deaf ears when I tried to tell that psychologist that the MD she referred me to for Zoloft long ago said that I might find myself losing weight when on Zoloft. Doesn't that make sense that when you stop taking Zoloft it will contribute to your weight? Soon after the psychologist said I suffer mood swings. Yeeeeeeah. ... oh yeah and flashback to while the aid is there I am screaming explaining that I'm not fluent in Spanish because I wasn't taught it at 2 years of age. CHILDHOOD DEVELOPMENT. Fucking clueless. I then point out that if she's taught gaelic as a child she knows it (didn't even mention the use or lose it notion). Technically the date is 5/6/17. I'm just doing overnights while I can. That my friend in high school (whom mom deceived) was bilingual because her mother started teaching her Spanish at age two. ... oh yeah and flashback to before shit hit the fan and the aid could probably tell she'd be sticking around a lot longer: after mom successfully cooked the frozen onions I not only helped her get but pointed out she didn't need a scissors because it was already open (note her failing sight and memory) she's trying to get over to sit down to eat but the conversation had already started about my nephew and I hold onto her wheels to finish this conversation that he has learning problems and went to an appropriate VoTech for it. She started in with her shit that lots of people go there and don't need to have a disability for it. I think this is the first time "stupid bitch" came out of my mouth. ... oh yes and when the aid was there mom restarted in about moving to senior housing. The next day when I was still going at this I told her she's going to have to go to court because I have nowhere to go and I'm still here. ... 5/9/17 So Sunday was one of those precious moments that Christine started reminding me about things in childhood. The Love Boat was on for her and I said I wonder why they don't show Fantasy Island and that they used to be back to back and Christine reminded me we were able to watch them because they were on on a Saturday night and we didn't have to get up for school the next day. As I went back to making more signs for my community to hand out, she told me the memory of her kindergarten teacher and how they only had to start going in size order when the teacher couldn't find someone. I said to her what her teacher's name was and she said yes and what school she was at and I said I never had her because my kindergarten was at another school, 2 schools because mom got me into school early. That Christine was a Straight A student and I was not so I don't know why that happened. On the conspiracy side of life Mom was denied getting me into school early because the teachers were right that my academics weren't ahead like my friend Raina so mom said "the hell with these hick jersey suburbanites" and took me to NYC everyday to kindergarten and had me lie about my address and then when I turned 5 took me to the public kindergarten so that I simply showed up at the Catholic school in the fall. So I went through first grade proving the evaluations of me correct and mom wrong but I was an A B student. So what happened was then that summer they tried to get the job done of getting rid of me because it just happened too quickly that I was pronounced the dead child. Maybe Mr. DeGraw didn't get paid because he didn't get the job done but he sure as hell got off unsuccessfully being sued for speeding and over the weight limit. So anyway, back to the conversation with Christine, I said her friend (who invited her to her wedding as an adult) was there too but Christine said no because that friend went to the public school and as I can picture in my head a picture at the school bus stop with that friend there I said "Why am I thinking Kelly went on the bus with you too?" Chris said "I don't know." I suggested maybe just during Kindergarten she rode up the street on the bus. Chris reminded me of how there were 1/2 days and some went to the first session and others went to the second (afternoon) session. Mom was sitting in her chair right between me and Christine so there's nothing out of place with this whole scene. Mom just needed to lie and created a mess for herself by leaving me hanging so that I'm just hanging out everyone's underwear. On Monday mom tells me last minute that her foot doctor is making a house call. That is not good for me and mom at one point said put my stuff away. I said I have no time and that if the doctor sees my alcohol just be honest that she went into court and lied about me and now all I have left is to booze it up. She wasn't into the idea and I just kept telling her to just be honest. But she needs to lie about lying. Whatever. Just thinking how failed we were I can't wait to get home in a couple of hours and booze it up again. No one to save a life. As I walked out to the bathroom before my knee buckled. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM??? My body is in sooooo much pain but I keep in sight the end result that 6000(?) miles across the ocean there is a people (many of them innocent) who have the right to be empowered with knowledge making an informed choice rather than having a mess on their hands and then finding out what is happening. But the depths of my sorrow are being worn on the outside. It was really hard to swallow that mom recently couldn't remember me getting lost behind the above ground pipe long ago at the Rockaway Beach in Belle Harbor. THAT WAS A MAJOR EVENT. I couldn't believe she couldn't remember that the pipe was above the sand for a while until they buried it under the sand. I asked her if she remembers Astroland that was there and I THINK she does. I was never ready for this life to turn out this way. EVER. Those to be held accountable. Those to be held accountable. Just keep the silence up and watch what happens. ... I forget how the issue came up she said all her surgeries cured her problems. I reminded her about her toes. She didn't say anything in response to that. I didn't bother getting into how knee replacements are not just for pain. Sure as shit it is as real as can be at times how this is going to end. ... 5/10/17 Well waking up late today and leaving late today all worked out that I got to hear Claire's latest crap. They're all going out for mother's day - they did NOT last year or the year before I don't think - as a matter of fact I think Claire spends mother's day with her own "family" and I even questioned mom on that once. So Claire calls about a buffet around here that is closed and it sounded like the one I go to all the time but after mom asked me I clarify it's the one down the highway that closed down but as far as I know the one I go to is still open. Claire was trying to get a name and mom was in a huff that she'd have to find the paper for it and the rage started to fire up in me. I said "if she's on the computer you just type in google.com and the one name with the town." So I guess Claire heard and mom said "Do you do that? The google?" And then I started in about how oh she finally does the computer too late and not when I so needed her to as I was learning. Mom was shooing me away saying "she's already doing that" and I keep it going how I needed family there for me. I really could have laid in like I did once she got off the phone but I didn't I guess because I'm not used to saying a word with Airhead around. I even gave the name of the fancy restaurant mom couldn't remember that is closed down. After mom was off the phone I laid in that Claire text messages her son but couldn't even get a fucking email address for her sister. That I was all alone and Claire could have done what dad wasn't around to do. Eventually I laid in about how mom used to come down on me for not being there for Christine (this was after mom accused me of kidnapping if I took Christine to her doctor to finally be treated for seizures ten years post seizure-start). I lay in how Claire just couldn't get an email address to help her sister transition into the world we have today. I again talk about Christopher and mom denies he has a birthing injury and it's all just the same words of me saying "Claire never told you that???" Somewhere I said how Christopher has to sue his parents for all the problems (even potential) he's having out in the world and I hope he sues the shit out of them. I say I'd have to sue her and Dad but it's only her around; oh and she's getting rid of all his money to Charity. (Earlier during World News the story came on about the young boy with eye problems who is being given new technology to help him and when it ends I turn to mom and emphatically say "That's what Christine is missing out on without me involved in her care." Mom looks forward and says nothing. What else is new?). Mom forces some laughter but I'm on my way out the door and can only say "You laugh at the medical needs of children???" I'm hoping the aid doesn't feel insulted I didn't go out of my way to say hi to her son who picked her up yesterday. If she saw my interaction every day she would see I barely say anything to anyone and I'm that pissed off. Today was yet another example of how this WOULD NOT happen without me. Mom had Chinese food delivered and she kept repeating and getting more frustrated and cold-sounding when the aid wasn't understanding "cut her meat." I was there to say "carne" and the aid finally got it. I came back with the full translation and the aid said it in perfect Spanish as if to teach me how to say it. At some point there was a lack of understanding about "close the door" and from her chair mom said something completely intelligible but what I couldn't understand. Mom said "close the door" in perfect Gaelic and I said "See THAT'S childhood development. You learned that in childhood so you never forgot it." Mom just doesn't connect the dots on that front which I've known many older generation Irish to be like (or they never admitted it in my experience). Growing up the only Gaelic words we ever learned was a joke around St. Patrick's Day of "Pug a ma hone" (spelling??? - I don't have a clue) which is Gaelic for "Kiss my ass." I wasn't surprised but had no idea mom knew all Gaelic - new another language she could use. During my tiff with mom about Claire I mocked exactly what Claire would do if she was here: "Enough!" Mom started denying that would be the case and I reminded mom Claire has already done that when I said to her in the past 3 years when I saw her "Are we going to talk about this?" Oh I remember: it was at the beginning of the incident in which Claire saw Christine for the first time have emotional-behavioral sequelae and Claire had to go in Christine's room and close the door (to absorb how wrong she is about us?). So if I remember right that whole situation started with Claire saying "enough" and I just started reading all the underwear I was hanging out on Facebook. The climax was Claire witnessing for the first time what living with Christine is REALLY like and she goes into Christine's room and closes the door. On my last leg as I was leaving I also went around the same circle of how things are quiet and peaceful without me here well YEAH sure they are. No one is proactively involved in correct and proper diagnosis and direction of our lives! ... 5/11/17 Today's events in reverse order: I don't know what it is but I have zero tolerance for what seems to be NJ assholes. This time I go into the right lane after checking to see if I had my space to change lanes. All of a sudden someone stands on their horn behind me. Obviously they must have pulled into the road too fast or come out of nowhere or something thinking they had the right of way. So I'm driving in front of them and I see a van in the left lane in front driving partly in the right lane. Obviously if they think I'm a bad driver, they can surely see worse. So when the van moves on or whatever happened the car behind me drives by me with the male passenger hanging out the window yelling something. I didn't have time to roll down my window to hear or react so I see this car get in front of the car in front of me. With no patience left for these assholes (that I could be avoiding had Miss don't-let-the-door-hit-you-on-the-way-out not pulled what she did and I wouldn't be in this town) I pull into the left lane and pull behind them as they are speeding away. I'm surely not turning off where they are so as I get out of the lane as they are getting off I lay on my horn as I keep repeating "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME???" I was so shaken up I was shaking as I went through the drive-thru. Earlier I left the house in a hurry as I hear mom call Pat Guide with the sweet sounding nothing's wrong tone of voice. Before that mom uses the information I gave her to look into where they're eating for mother's day. She had spoken to Claire while I was in the shower so I only heard the end of the conversation. Suddenly mother's day has become a holiday event for all of them when it never used to be. Mom is sure not to call Claire back with me there. Is it so they can visit with Christine before they send her off to a group home (reversing what was always supposed to be the case that Christine would live with her)? Who's lying? Mom or Claire who now reverses that the insurance has to pay for alterations to Claire's house for Christine to live in??? Is it because mom has now reversed what she always taught me that you deal directly with the insurance and DO NOT deal with the case manager (who Claire just doesn't get is only to save money for the insurance)??? Is it because now that TJ is in college and he knows about my blog he can read about the lives his mother left behind and that his father passes off in their accepted misogynistic way? Am I really being thrown out on to the street and this woman is never being held accountable? This is it? ... 5/14/17 So I got through the day. The bunch of them in their 1/2 baked shell (I assume all) went out to dinner. I was stuck on a slow connection and going home soon. And my sadness will go into the alcohol soon that will help me sleep.... 5/15/17 I have little patience today. Mom sleeps like a log while I am up all night and then she wakes me up with all her yells of pain after I manage to sleep through Christine leaving today. We've already been through how the cleaning lady does the part of the house where I sit last so there's no rush but she just keeps up the same old story. And I have to. I actually don't remember what I was going to say but there I go again helping the cleaning lady operate the sliding door she couldn't figure out how to open. When mom was talking to the social worker before mom said the language barrier is a real problem with no mention of my assistance. I don't know how the social worker phrased it but mom made it very clear Christine is only happy going to her shop every day. As if Christine doesn't have sister(s) that can make a better evaluation. Just like when the aid said to me there are things out there Christine could benefit from regarding her physical problems and I made it clear that I tried but mom lied in court and the judge bought it hook line and sinker so I'm not doing a damn thing now. The only thing I can do is absolutely nothing (in protest). Translation with the aid doesn't always happen as precisely as it needs to but I think she came to understand. The point is even the aid can see the things Christine is missing out on. The aid commented once how Christine was a pretty girl before the accident as all of Christine's pictures from childhood are hanging in her room. I noticed a picture today that now I know why I saw Kelly at the bus stop. I opened the window today here because it's hot and as soon as she went on about it flashback to her telling me a guy working on the garage asked if the person who sleeps above ever complained of the cold and this out of touch incompetent said "a few times" as if the past is something to look at trivially. When the cleaning lady said something and I said something to mom and she said "do you ever talk nice to each other?" and I said "not anymore. Christine has a life to get better..." and mom was sitting there shaking her head no. ... 5/16/17 Just some notes - it was 4/24/17 when I learned of Japan's lack of sex and lack of population on natgeo 162 and there was no clue it was out of fear of having post-fukushima children with birth defects. The greatest excuse seemed to be women are more independent in the modern world. Note from 4/25/17 is to look up federally subsidized corn-worm found in high school food bowl which brings me to what happened 2(?) days ago that I now have a better idea of what Christine's untended medical condition is. The aid must have an idea too. I had to go to the bathroom so told Chris to not bother flushing. With Christine's "retarded" social life she wasn't putting some basics together and so now I have a better idea. That made me think back to mom trying to lie about Christine going to physical therapy for her leg by saying "her whole body" when I know exactly what's going on - Chris can't do wall-slides like a normal person to work the quads so they have to lay her on a machine slanted so she can do them. NICE TRY! Anyway, that brought back the memory that today I was reminded of reality again of the lint in Christine's brace that the head of physiatry at Kessler indicates a problem but Judge Deanne M. Wilson just doesn't give a shit of the neglectfulness she exposed and then let slide as blood from Christine's head ran down our driveway giving Christine a new brain trauma. I had sent pictures of it to Christine's social worker a while ago as well as my own helper but I guess it will go no where. Mom and the social worker caught up yesterday(?) and no mention of my assistance of the language barrier however the cleaning lady mentioned (before finding something misplaced by the aid) that if the aid didn't understand mom asking where it went that maybe I could do it. That tells me mom is truthful where and when she needs to be - to the ones not connected to this. Just like she must have found out all 911 calls are recorded so she now goes back on her lie she told in court that Christine was standing on the landing waiting for her bus. Ok so other notes are on 4/27/17 is date I was not there when new RN came to the house. I was very upset about that and tried to ask the aid why someone new but the translation wasn't working well. On 4/28/17 Pat Guide asked if mom didn't like the first aid and mom said it's not a matter of that; that she broke her washing machine. The conversation called for mom explaining that she called her the next day about what time she'd be coming and the aid never called or came back. Ok I have transferred notes. ... 5/17/17 another day. ... 5/20/17 no time to update today as I was going to do particularly what has happened 2 or 3 days ago with mom's new lie she has been turning on the air in the house for the past ten years. Riiiiiigggghht! As if! The woman left the air turn on switch to be devirginized ONLY by the work guy every year. More details when I have time. Need to check on pipeline protestors today. Mom's lies might sound innocent enough but not when you consider the body-slamming of children's lives on concrete they did in the justice courts of America. ... 5/25/17 some notes: The day I turned down my laptop was a day I could have used it when mom flat out lied last night she's always turned on the air in the house. Riiiiggghhtt. Cleaning lady only needed to adjust temp (I have since remembered around 5/20/17 it may have only been the temp adjust but I know for sure she didn't dare touch the air herself - which actually makes sense as to why the temp had to be adjusted by someone else). Getting drunk from the high school student answer I gave yesterday about psych being the worst thing to happen to brain injury (on a group post). Make note mom's response about being sued is because she's insured for it. While I'm left with the guessing game of my future she plays the cool calm cat because Claire has assured her insurance takes care of everything (before Claire has ever really dealt with insurance) and mom is the continuation of salt in all wounds ... even after a night's sleep she kept up the lie but going to get hair done so can be walked down memory lane. Mom can't hear that the air wasn't shutting off and I only try to avoid fire. 5/19/17 so I fixed mom's phone problem knowing it's a billing problem and it will go unannounced. I knew exactly what the problem was but without her recognition of me I stay silent most times. She dialed zero for the operator and did her usual frustration emotion with automated systems. She doesn't know that she needed to reset up her mailbox before she can get any messages on there. I sure as hell wasn't expected to become college educated just to be blown off by her because after a while Claire has convinced her "college isn't all that" - paraphrase while not admitting that as I was asking Claire what to so with myself in getting my degree she only said / lamented that she never finished college. ... 5/26/17 Dear #MtLaurel Attorney(s). I am in receipt of your 30 day threat to pay over $3000 to a credit card that I think was taken over by #Citibank but I can't be sure on the take-over. I have no problem paying my debts; always planned to do so, but I need a job to do so. You should direct your potential lawsuit to either the State of New York who failed my Bachelor of Science degree or The Morris County Surrogate's Court who got away with negligence in the medical care of injured minors; in that case send it Attn: "Christopher Luongo, Deputy Surrogate." His impatience with this matter was quite obvious when he practically hung up on 2 people that were calling him for me and my sister from the Independent Living Center. I have no problem with your threat - I've studied case law way too much to understand you are just doing your job as a lawyer but the phrase "you can't pull blood from a rock" applies here even though in my wildest dreams it was never supposed to apply to me. You can also go after my mother for that money who is floating around free in this country not having to face the real medical and legal realities that were upon her after the death of my father. Based upon my story you can see how she gives immigrants a bad name but - oh actually I forgot there is one other entity you can put your lawsuit to and that is the no-fault insurance who along with the Surrogate's Court and anyone else, knew we were not in the proper medical and legal care that is available in America. That's pretty much all I have to say and I hope you see this because this is all I have to say. In thirty days from now it will be just another day IF I'm still here to talk about it. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork.... 5/28/17 I've been updating directly online. This back and forth is too much. I'm leaving the below post of 5/26 as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog. Spoke to my Aunt across the ocean last night. The first thing that came through is the honesty they live in on their own land opposed to the lie in this country. That includes Claire because it was a brief discussion of mom's will that my Aunt brought up - not me. Then things revealed the cluelessness from across the Atlantic Ocean as to the far-reaching legal and medical aspects of injured children in America. What does "mam had a hard life and came to America and worked really hard" have to do with securing the legal, medical, and constitutional rights of American children "mam" had? As usual my needs were dismissed as "you get a long OK." When I brought up going back to the Surrogate's Court and fixing this there was a complete aloof dismissal of the idea. Flashback to Steven J. Straub stating to the judge that this is the arrangement "for now" - me knowing full well the lies he was saying. As usual it is sister standing by sister - a developmental loss with profound effects for me but then again the older generation Irish are specifically lacking in understanding childhood development. My Aunt's belief in what mom has to say (that I'll be taken care of) reveals to me she is lacking in the knowledge of lies on this side of the Atlantic Ocean. She asked my views on Trump and I said "most irresponsible for the environment." She told me of the illegal immigration in Ireland and I never got to mention my agreement with that. She tried Chinese food once and it was AWFUL. Anyway, no worries. I'm out of four lokos and juice or soda so I'm having Vodka on the rocks to numb my rage back to sleep. As I think back to the dialogue yesterday about my constitutional, medical, and personal injury rape starting in Potsdam NY, interluding in Ogdensburg NY, ending in Syracuse NY, and setting the world afire because there is no justice in the state of NY. ... 5/29/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog). So originally mom didn't tell her friend I had anything to do with the language barrier coping method. 20 or 30 minutes into the conversation the friend must have inquired further HOW does she get by with that and finally mom said I speak a little Spanish but no mention of all that is involved with it or how with her screaming and cold way would have been the end of another aid. She could have mentioned me only because I was obvious that at 5pm I yelled out to Chris what time it was so she could watch Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island and Chris called my name asking a question. Mom may have felt obligated to mention me and in the history of this house was never the case that I could see or if it was it was, to blend in to American life. Flashbacks today of my aunt being absent about mom going back to court (which is probably influenced as well by Claire when she suddenly went to Ireland in 2010(?)) and flashes of mom's and Claire's lawyer saying the Surrogate Court decision was "for now."... 5/30/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog). And there it goes again. Trying to wrap up life and forwarded the email about harassment to the wrong person. All documented cognitive disabilities of reading under time pressure and getting things right under time pressure. Well maybe it all works out because whatever is protecting me here (without taking care of the childhood justice) can know who did this to me over 20 years ago since I have no protection of my person the NJ corruption can investigate that webpage. My mention of terrorist must get me followed not to mention I've always been followed - by whom I don't know. I have a feeling though it will open up a can of worms. No worries I have enough alcohol when I get home. I lost my career. I lost the chance to rightfully be cared for as an injured child. I lost all my lawsuits from violations. I lost I lost I lost I lost. Potsdam freakshow kicked up as I just potentially fucked myself again from being in a situation I shouldn't be in. ... notes from 5/31/17: mom going on about her difficulty getting the bread open for her and Christine's breakfast and then her racing thoughts about the time only now she didn't finish her
sentence (so common growing up in this atmosphere). I woke at 5:14am for a second round and mom didn't set the alarm right (things she is more apt to do these days) so they'd be worse off without me - Christine who says nothing about what mom does takes the brunt of the craziness. 6/4/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog.). Bittersweet realization. Mom saw a former NJ politician on the local TV station and couldn't come up with his name. Christine trying to be helpful asked "Bill Clinton?" seriously trying to help. If that were me I'd be thought of as absolutely nuts. But it's not just the brain injury that does that. My buddy that has the similar injury as me and able to drive himself across the country and back AND has a guardianship AND was in the special olympics AND went to appropriate slower public school when Catholic School couldn't help him has come out with those same type bizarre things. Not necessarily the same world news subject matter. My buddy zones out which could partially be due to the meds he was on as well as the handicapped schooling who tend to have their decisions made by others. When my buddy did something inappropriate financially for his future it was no different that what I did but he had a father (an American one at that) around to step in and take control of his financial life. In my case I'm just now without anything and an inappropriate guardian to say in defense "do whatever you want." A testimony left to the world....so I'm in making an omelette and mom tries to bring in her Irish program on the radio. It was coming in good and I told her to leave it. She didn't want to leave the radio until she was SURE it was the station she wanted so I asked her if there's another Irish program on and she said no so I said that's the one then because the other stations she was stopping at I could tell were either religious or non-english international. So she stands by the radio waiting for the song to end still insisting she has to and her impatience is flicked on. The same impatience that ruined
children's rehabilitative lives. Finally she changes it around again and I ask her what is she doing that she had it and she had it in perfect. This was after I fixed the antenna of the radio and told her she's getting worse reception because she's missing the black piece at the end of the antenna. I also inform her she's going to get better reception while standing there because she's acting as an antenna. They are not taught this long ago in Ireland. So as she insisted on doing this I tell her "that's a religious station" "that's a spanish station" etc. She gets in the Irish station again but crappy and I tell her NOT to leave it and I think it's then she tells me to shut up. "Shut up" did not exist throughout the years. I think it's only since I had to step outside of the merry-go-round she had me on of ignoring me by going public once i learned the Surrogate's Court could help us. I've had these same habits up to a certain point of not listening to people. ... 6/6/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog.). Unfucking believable today mom says my aunt in Ireland says that her aid is from Brazil and when there is a language barrier she just enters the translation into her phone. HOLY SHIT BATMAN! MOM COULDN'T TELL HER THAT THAT IS WHAT I DO??? When I asked her about it she said "I thought I saw you doing that once or twice." HOLY SHIT BATMAN! I think this was after the aid was on her phone and when she saw me indicate pain in my chest she told me to go to a doctor and I couldn't get to translate so I motioned my hands to the floor "me drop dead" looked up at her and shrugged "OK." It's clear that any time I indicated this to her before, it's not registering - maybe. Pataki will be happy along with anyone else. Mom won't be happy but she will be free from taking responsibility. The holy level of denial I heard my Aunt comfort mom's denial will be for naught. What else is new? If this life is going to be saved it needs to happen soon giving me ample time to stock up on Kale smoothie ingredients and herbal teas. My alfalfa tabs are past date but I don't think by much. ...6/9/17 Time for time to heal my emotional bruises. I came to do my regular stuff and I'm not sure what went wrong. Started wondering if I have a hygiene problem (which wouldn't be surprising. As I accept death I've stopped flossing and brush only once a day - some days not at all. Adults should have taken proper care of injured children. I know I look a fright wearing the same thing everyday but it's all a part of letting go. Maybe a job is in sight or maybe not. I need to be coaxed off the ledge) or if I was talking too much but it just felt like I was off on the wrong foot and I'm at a disadvantage that I'm behind in life where I ever should be. I'm not used to young people (if I can read their age right) talk to me as if I'm "an elder." lol. It was just a sucky situation. I'm not in a good place anymore of remembering people. Just sucks. Whatever. I have more important issues to take care of and I'm done explaining myself as I did. They can read about me online. ... 6/10/17 for the record: Out of time to put psychiatric hospital post here but last said "https://plus.google.com/u/0/+JimFeig/posts/RPtjimAJ8yb?cfem=1 (SEE 3RD COMMENT FOR ENTIRE POST)
sentence (so common growing up in this atmosphere). I woke at 5:14am for a second round and mom didn't set the alarm right (things she is more apt to do these days) so they'd be worse off without me - Christine who says nothing about what mom does takes the brunt of the craziness. 6/4/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog.). Bittersweet realization. Mom saw a former NJ politician on the local TV station and couldn't come up with his name. Christine trying to be helpful asked "Bill Clinton?" seriously trying to help. If that were me I'd be thought of as absolutely nuts. But it's not just the brain injury that does that. My buddy that has the similar injury as me and able to drive himself across the country and back AND has a guardianship AND was in the special olympics AND went to appropriate slower public school when Catholic School couldn't help him has come out with those same type bizarre things. Not necessarily the same world news subject matter. My buddy zones out which could partially be due to the meds he was on as well as the handicapped schooling who tend to have their decisions made by others. When my buddy did something inappropriate financially for his future it was no different that what I did but he had a father (an American one at that) around to step in and take control of his financial life. In my case I'm just now without anything and an inappropriate guardian to say in defense "do whatever you want." A testimony left to the world....so I'm in making an omelette and mom tries to bring in her Irish program on the radio. It was coming in good and I told her to leave it. She didn't want to leave the radio until she was SURE it was the station she wanted so I asked her if there's another Irish program on and she said no so I said that's the one then because the other stations she was stopping at I could tell were either religious or non-english international. So she stands by the radio waiting for the song to end still insisting she has to and her impatience is flicked on. The same impatience that ruined
children's rehabilitative lives. Finally she changes it around again and I ask her what is she doing that she had it and she had it in perfect. This was after I fixed the antenna of the radio and told her she's getting worse reception because she's missing the black piece at the end of the antenna. I also inform her she's going to get better reception while standing there because she's acting as an antenna. They are not taught this long ago in Ireland. So as she insisted on doing this I tell her "that's a religious station" "that's a spanish station" etc. She gets in the Irish station again but crappy and I tell her NOT to leave it and I think it's then she tells me to shut up. "Shut up" did not exist throughout the years. I think it's only since I had to step outside of the merry-go-round she had me on of ignoring me by going public once i learned the Surrogate's Court could help us. I've had these same habits up to a certain point of not listening to people. ... 6/6/17 (I'm leaving the below post (from 5/26/17) as a below post - it's a pinnacle to this whole blog.). Unfucking believable today mom says my aunt in Ireland says that her aid is from Brazil and when there is a language barrier she just enters the translation into her phone. HOLY SHIT BATMAN! MOM COULDN'T TELL HER THAT THAT IS WHAT I DO??? When I asked her about it she said "I thought I saw you doing that once or twice." HOLY SHIT BATMAN! I think this was after the aid was on her phone and when she saw me indicate pain in my chest she told me to go to a doctor and I couldn't get to translate so I motioned my hands to the floor "me drop dead" looked up at her and shrugged "OK." It's clear that any time I indicated this to her before, it's not registering - maybe. Pataki will be happy along with anyone else. Mom won't be happy but she will be free from taking responsibility. The holy level of denial I heard my Aunt comfort mom's denial will be for naught. What else is new? If this life is going to be saved it needs to happen soon giving me ample time to stock up on Kale smoothie ingredients and herbal teas. My alfalfa tabs are past date but I don't think by much. ...6/9/17 Time for time to heal my emotional bruises. I came to do my regular stuff and I'm not sure what went wrong. Started wondering if I have a hygiene problem (which wouldn't be surprising. As I accept death I've stopped flossing and brush only once a day - some days not at all. Adults should have taken proper care of injured children. I know I look a fright wearing the same thing everyday but it's all a part of letting go. Maybe a job is in sight or maybe not. I need to be coaxed off the ledge) or if I was talking too much but it just felt like I was off on the wrong foot and I'm at a disadvantage that I'm behind in life where I ever should be. I'm not used to young people (if I can read their age right) talk to me as if I'm "an elder." lol. It was just a sucky situation. I'm not in a good place anymore of remembering people. Just sucks. Whatever. I have more important issues to take care of and I'm done explaining myself as I did. They can read about me online. ... 6/10/17 for the record: Out of time to put psychiatric hospital post here but last said "https://plus.google.com/u/0/+JimFeig/posts/RPtjimAJ8yb?cfem=1 (SEE 3RD COMMENT FOR ENTIRE POST)
+ Big B I can appreciate your simplistic view on things but you brought up two very different things: 1. ailments and organs and 2. The Central Processing Unit of all the ailments and organs. I'm going to give an example you did not bring up: Athlete's Foot. Let me first say you seem to give up your power in the form of human intuition to the people making money off you but that's normal because that's the way things were set up by turning farms into grocery stores and taking people's self-thinking skills away from them through "modern" and "better care", etc. I would never suggest someone to stop taking mainstream medications without the assistance of an N.D. and an M.D. Stopping some meds (particularly psychiatric ones) can be dangerous if done cold-turkey. Insurance pays for an M.D. (Medical Doctor) but will NOT pay for an N.D. (Natural Doctor). That's how the world is set up. I guess how you take your power back is to research all of this from reliable sources.
Do you know a pregnant woman has to think twice about certain treatments for Athlete's Foot because it could cause birth defects to her baby? That's one hell of a side effect don't you think? The source I cite is just like many other things out there that there's no clinical studies something natural like Apple Cider Vinegar will work: http://www.sterishoe.com/foot-care-blog/athletes-foot/how-can-i-treat-athletes-foot-during-pregnancy/ (and this source is not even a medical report backing of all the needed knowledge on this). I'm a witness to Apple Cider Vinegar ridding not only Athlete's foot but balancing out the body's yeast imbalance obvious through yeast infections. I am only a witness to using apple cider vinegar internally diluted in water (with honey if needed to taste). I don't know if that ingestion is adverse to a pregnant woman or not. I am also a witness to a podiatrist (M.D.) saying they've told some of their patients that if they don't want to take Apple Cider Vinegar by drinking it, then at least rub some on or soak in it. As far as yeast infections, Monistat7 needs to stay in business so of course there is not enough studies or knowledge given to the masses. Apple Cider Vinegar does many other health things like help repair DNA and weight loss.
Bill Clinton made the 1990s "the decade of the brain." Enter evil. We are not improving our brains through drugs. http://www.naturalnews.com/049767_Big_Pharma_antidepressants_suicides.html. Speaking of that let's take an herb that is NATURAL ASPIRIN called White Willow Bark. What happens is that pharmacy starts out with the natural form of these things and adds synthetics to them to make them work faster or whatever. Our natural bodies are not made to work with synthetics so it has to find a way to cope with the foreign substance and adapt. Our bodies wind up doing more work just to keep up with pharma when there are natural remedies available instead. A body conditioned to mainstream will take longer to respond to natural and a body used to doing things naturally will respond badly to the mainstream. Anyway, there are natural remedies for high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. I am a witness to elevated liver enzymes causing depression/crying spells: http://www.livestrong.com/article/545734-depression-elevated-liver-enzymes/ but as I said this is a very big topic and I'll end this comment for now." (DONE ON 8/3/17) IN CASE THE POST DISAPPEARS
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hardwood floors through out and as i came up the stairs to the second floor the sun shown on one part of the hardwood floor giving the impression they're shiny floors. ... Another part of Wednesday's scene after the OT left is when Christine's welfare came up and I asked Christine if she remembered to tell Nancy that she wants to get better but mom is not taking her. Christine frustratingly said "no" and I asked her if I remind her the night before and she said ok. Well I didn't remind her Thursday night or this morning so it never happened. I forget when but I asked her exactly what she would say and she said about getting better at (the wrong) hospital name. It's the same as what happened about a former NJ Governor's name and Christine guessed Bill Clinton. I immediately said to Christine "no Kessler." ... I also forgot to mention during the blowout it's no new news mom says "me and Christine were here just fine" and I say "oh no you weren't. I seen the changes in Christine on a shorter fuse having to put up with you...it happened when I bought my house..." I also let mom know we don't need this childishness caring for our lives. That mom needs a rattle and a bib for how she acts and should I go get them for her. ... 8/5/17 I also had apologized on the paper I gave to mom's OT that I'm sorry I made a bad impression the first day but I'm enraged as to what our lives were left to. I saw a male version of me on TV. He returned home from the hospital after being hit by a drunk driver and it had something to do with lacrosse. His parents are American which is a plus but are they in denial? Is he in public school opposed to Catholic School? Will he grow up to be a MaryJaneWayne? It sounds like he was not kept in the hospital as long as me and it didn't seem like it was because he was ready to go home. That has to do with insurance. The brain injured nurse I no longer talk to explained that history to me. It seemed like he still had weakness in the right side of his mouth but that's insurance to fuck our lives. ... oh yeah and last nights dreams were about The Brady Bunch. lol. Not sure where that comes from but first thing that comes to mind is before Claire's friend Dorothy died in a car accident, as the passenger that hit a telephone pole, Claire choked her and she had a dream about the Flintstones. The only reason she had a dream about the Flintstones is because I was in the rec room watching the Flintstones when Dorothy came over and I think Claire was in her room choking someone else so Dorothy hung out with me for a few. I went in to watch Dorothy being choked and she woke up laughing she dreamt about the Flintstones. No laughing matter all the history behind Claire and NOT behind me but the Morris County Surrogate's Court had it's way. That brings me to the memory of my blowout with mom regarding the thing on TV of someone who committed suicide after being cyber-bullied (not the recent one in Rockaway) and we went at it about mom's history of bullying and mom's history of apathy regarding me being bullied (over medical conditions no less!). Damn right waiting to see if we wind up with another MaryJaneWayne but I don't know their circumstance. Don't know how many siblings they have. Don't know if there's been other deaths, etc. ... oh yeah and most importantly (have to rewrite this because this new windows is all screwed up) I don't know if he's been sexually manipulated(?) by a fellow patient and it will take him ten or eleven years to say anything about it like happened to me and nothing is done about it like me. ... 8/7/17 frustrating day. It's really devastating I don't have contact with my father's side of the family. They would have a different perspective outside of mom this and mom that. They grew up in and were educated in America. This is not going to end like this. Not in a million years so death awaits. Not in a million years is this child medical abuse/neglect going to be in vain. Sent an email to the educated and experienced nephew and to Claire. More dead air? I completely explained to my international cousin how we had 2 years statute of limitations after finding out what was wrong with me from a brain injury counselor. I said to mom repeatedly to call a lawyer; that we were only children and there's got to be something that can be done. Ten or fifteen years later I receive a letter from the Surrogate's Court only about Christine. And anyone would wonder I would think anything other than "Eat shit and die you Irish bitch. It's only my whole life. It's only the whole quality of my life to come." Lawyers could have been started by taking my first advice of calling a lawyer for Ray Higgins who free-loaded off mom while me and Christine were there to hear the stress hit the roof of her screaming in the phone at him and getting no place because she didn't call a lawyer - a complete no-brainer that an able bodied, white, single male with no kids wasn't paying his rent and never did in the end. I was able to point out how much me and my cousin were on the same educated page in some respects - they just need to be educated on American law and the American system for injured children. Not in a million years. ... 8/8/17 Oh we're definitely on the same page. She has me watching documentaries (only 2 of 3 which I can find) and it's what I've been doing since my father died from cancer. Ironically the book that had the most impact on me at that age was bought in London. I just hope by now she understands I'm doing this on purpose. There's nothing left without some kind of lifetime tragedy coming full circle. All is done. Her lack of knowledge of my own injury I was able to zero in on that she at least understands from her profession how a cracked tooth becomes infected and infection can travel to the brain. ... well actually I have that question answered. She talks about litigation in her video. She has an idea. ... 8/13/17 Not dealing well with reality today. Got enough sleep for the day and drinking myself back to sleep at 9:30am. This is round 3 and four loko # 4. Was lucid dreaming(?) about mom finally going to jail. That reminds me, the other day had many dreams but the one I remember is my ex talking to me without any sexual context and at a certain point I surprisingly ask "you're divorced?" And he says yes as if I missed him saying that already. He said his wife wound up living in a mental institution (sometime surrounding the divorce) (and I totally got that one. Kevin has a way of total persuasion leaving out certain info like the time we drove to West Virginia about potential college for me. We were watching Die Hard I(?) and I jabbed back at kevin he just didn't have Bruce Willis' arms. Kevin took such offense he said he was sleeping on the couch - only years later with Mhana did I understand that's a California thing where his father grew up and what occurred at kevin's house many times. Kevin went through every motion to make sure I don't find other men attractive and be as saintly as him. About 2 years later, after Kevin had my innocence, he reveals his girly magazines to me and I lost it at him. We never had to have a precious serenity time if he owned a lie while controlling me. But that's what I get for giving 2nd chances to the planet of the apes while rebelling the scrutiny of my family having no father or brother or sister around to save me). If his wife wound up in a mental hospital I totally understood how he wooed her while he buried the open wound he had from me. I said this to him in the dream w/o referring to it as an open wound. The dream ended with Kevin's face sweating profusely all over. So today I don't have to shower until 3pm. Just be depressed til I get there. I think my dream was the result of me talking to the tribe earlier that night because kevin's emulations are very evident. One of the guys reminds me of who I may have met before years ago but I can't be sure it was so long ago. ... Waiting with baited breath to see if my cousin can intervene but planning to die as scheduled under deafening silence surrounding children's lives stopped in a heartbeat in 1978. My cousin has access to A LOT to intervene. Home now to my four loko.... 8/15/17 And the toilet flush sound of the United States of America just got louder. It dawned on me yesterday that the original nurse of the aid lost her job for bilingual Spanish speakers. I was all set to reach out to her but it never happened. Damn right I keep all contact information of anyone that comes to the house re: mom/christine and that's something mom asked for based on her lies and half truths. One day when the aid was late mom only had a number for the original nurse and the nurse said she's no longer with the agency because they gave her hours away. Even though she wasn't with them any more she did what she could to assist. This nurse has a best friend that is from Ireland. So I'm guessing she wasn't fired (so she can't collect unemployment). They just gave her hours away to assist Spanish speaking workers. The supervisor of the aid was bilingual but was suddenly no longer there as well AND one day when the aid showed up early I was upset because I need the house to myself when I get ready in the morning or I at least need warning to bring all my stuff to the back half of the house to get ready. That day I called the new bilingual supervisor and it turns out that outgoing calls to patient's houses have been taken away from the supervisors and sent to someone else to make those calls. We never received a call that the aid had to come early!! At the end of the phone call this new supervisor started pretending with me she couldn't understand my English! I think I made more notes on this but I'm going to have to get back to it some other time. FLUSH FLUSH FLUSH. ... 8/17/17 oh yes and the last date entry I was also going to say that I wonder if the first supervisor wasn't there anymore due to a disagreement of sending calls out (which failed us ultimately) - but as I think of this more there seems to be something more fishy going on. ... Today it felt good to tell my neighbor who is friends with a teacher who knew all of us before and after the accident a lot of what is going on. Last time I saw her I did some too but didn't have time because I was on my way out. I have no idea if she reads this blog and this time she seemed to be a bit on the we-do-the-best-we-can defense and I hold back as I could say "but mom specifically kept us out of the medical loop." I got to tell her about the recreational activities that only I got for Christine and that she was in watching I Dream of Jeanie and was upset when CHPS went off the air for the summer. I mentioned Eric Estrada is a good looking guy but didn't get into how the police are beneficial for Christine but I've been injured by police. Have to continue this some other time.... 8/20/17 long dream. Hope I can remember most of it. It took place in Syracuse (again). Most intense part I remember was after a lot of activity crying that even the saving of me was inappropriate because me being out in the world was inappropriate and I belong in the quietness of my mother's house. This dream took place in the city of Syracuse that I was living and someone was showing me the life I needed and had to work toward and would save me. I was taken to various
places to live for this better life and I was driving and had to deal with parking lots (the parking lots were an inconvenience as part of the dream). In one living situation it was loud and in another it was quiet. The loud house was coed and the quiet one was not. The loud one was more like a room or apartment with loud music and crazieness above and the quiet was more like a little house all your own but attached to other houses. At the quiet one (as my introducer was walking me around) there was a woman who said to my introducer "this program has really changed this life around... look at me now... this sisterhood works..." or words to that affect. I recognized her right away as a cleaned up version of one of the undesirables of Syracuse that gave a distinct impression of having no future and no family or connections. Her skinny legs stood out in tight pants standing at the top of stairs (as she was leaving for the day?) and she had long blond hair that was cleaned up as if braided or put together in some other fashion. As I was looking around these good living spaces I was presented with two cats in an apartment and they immediately playfully jumped on and slid down my legs from the knee to the ankles as I was holding them. As I was enjoying these cats I knew I would have to say I couldn't have any because of problems I've had in the past of cat hair(?) causing an eventual problem for me. (In waking life I'm not sure if it's the hair that's the problem but I know sleeping around cats has given me problems in the past where if felt like a ball of hair was floating around inside me and would work itself out by me getting sick. But not the cat in the apartment I lived in when I broke my toe - so it's a sometimes deal). I was shown that some people have cats and some have dogs and I knew I would need a dog. They were all small dogs. I think this was near the end of the dream where I started crying because I pictured myself in the quiet of my mother's house and being out in the world trying to live this life was confusing because it was a way to make it but I shouldn't be there. That's all I can remember of the dream. ... This is it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiLqSk6fPnk I've been menstruating heavily for the past 5 or 6 days which is unheard of. In the 35 year history of my periods I am: never on time; heavy for 2 days and then tapering; cramps only happen when seasons changed (and although I was a somewhat early bloomer I was a Johnny come lately for cramps). I have never ever kept on heavily for the 5 or 6 days day and night that I am now. One possibility is the reality of the Solar Eclipse. The wisdom of the woman knows her tie-in with the earth. For example the Spanish word for menstrual period can be said as "luna de..." indicating "moon" (cycle). Either way, bleed away I shall go. This self-destruct finality has been occurring far longer than the friends I've made and the important things I've done regarding pipelines and environment so all still stands to save me from the perspective of the appropriate life of an injured child. Even when I say that word friends I have a problem with that as I haven't felt like I had "friends" since my freshman and sophomore year of high school. I've had many acquaintances and friends that never came to be. I know of my importance with the movement but I assume there's always the other side I can work from. The Surrogate's Court shoulda woulda coulda. This could turn out to just be an unalarming thing like the lump in my breast I received about 10 years ago that I was not going to get checked out and I told the social worker in government housing I wasn't. Her acceptance of euthanasia scared me more than my acceptance of it. I assume she deals with these things on a daily basis and the choice to die is nothing new for her. It was for me. I don't think I can explain that totally. It's like Christine who has spent a lifetime "trying to get better" that when going for modern advances was presented to her she doesn't understand or was unprepared for it being a reality. Anyway I did get the lump checked out eventually and it was benign with the explanation of "sugar." How ironic it was gone not too long after I got it checked out but was there for some time before I got it checked. I totally don't like mammograms and I totally see why Suzanne Somers went natural in treating breast cancer. The PAIN!! omg (and I was just a mammogram). So this time I'm not going to a doctor. As far as the breast lump, the only thing I can tie a sugar change into is the alcoholic beverage of choice at the time. I totally can't remember the name of it right now but it was tasty like a wine cooler but had way more alcohol than a wine cooler. This is it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiLqSk6fPnk ... ... 8/22/17 so mom's famous way of grabbing at straws for medical care is shining through. Christine's new wheelchair is up and running probably because my fat ass broke the one I was using which comes with a weight capacity and is not for everyday use. The nurse who was at the house checked Christine's spine a few months ago and saw scoliosis. This chair has a soft seat with water inside for comfort(?). Is that appropriate for scoliosis? Mom got the prescription for the chair from Christine's regular GP who probably doesn't do the total specialized care of a person like Christine. Also the chair can't fit through the door Christine would have to go out everyday so mom would have no choice but to use Christine's downstairs door (and it's not even known if it would fit through that door without being folded up). As I said from the beginning mom's not thinking and no one is monitoring this situation that mom said she would get this chair so Chris could keep her regular bus and she would push Chris to the bus. Oh and mom ride the wheelchair back to the house? I don't think she has the strength for the cumbersome things she'd have to do. She "remodeled" that room so that the carpet ends before the door and there is an arc of tile-like floor created by the door. There is also an outside screen door to consider as well that opens out to the walkway. ... 8/26/17 WTF?!?! My ex in my dreams again yesterday. We were talking like the last one and he was very surprised when I said Jagged Little Pill is still my daily dose of psychotherapy and I felt that knee jerk disgust that he never knew me or got me. I started reminding him by saying the words to "You Oughtta Know." In waking life, flashback to times he would say things to me as if I come from the cookie cutter rich-brat-bitch life while he's from the other side of the tracks. TOTALLY never got me. What a waste. I'll probably never mention the dreams that involve the tribe. They've been through and are going through enough and that harassment involves those associated with them - like I'm much more concerned about the federal anti-stalking laws very strict about taking pictures of license plates and drivers of those cars than I am about struggling taking a wheelchair in and out of my trunk instead of walking across the stalker's bridge. I could also use a lawn chair instead when I know the land is bone dry sitting every amount of feet I need to. I'll get there eventually. My non-lawyer mind sees the breaking of federal stalking laws; let them also break federal ADA laws by making a new rule regarding my mobility needs (yeah right. as if I have enough money to prosecute or defend those claims). Those tribe dreams just have a lot of activity to them and are usually ceremonial on the land and the last one had a prominence of circles, the color red, and the color blue was less prominent.... ... 8/28/17 well well well. What do we have here? http://www.northjersey.com/story/news/morris/butler/2017/07/12/butlers-first-female-police-office-retires-after-25-years/456182001/. Ace Ventura left me with scars while she went on to become promoted and live out her career. Gee and I thought someone must have nailed her ass to the wall for what she did to me. If so, it's definitely not mentioned here. (Actually on 8/29/17 I realized my would-be-love-of-my-life did the same of retiring and had his convenient wife's connections to get him another (inappropriate) job.). More nurturing? Yeah how nurturing was she as she was telling me to give her reasons NOT to take me to a hospital after the State of New York had the Potsdam Police call her and in the new millennium I'm showing her how I still walk past a door everyday with magazine and newspaper clippings of Charlie's Angels and the 1970s movie Grease all because the loose cannon immigrant left to care for us is not being forced into grief counseling? Yet because of her, her children are being forced into psychiatry and other inappropriate things for their injured lives? Ace Ventura who received a call from my one and only relaying the message from the State of NY that I am to be psychiatrically treated when all I was trying to do was secure job services for when I returned to NY. Oh let me guess. After Claire is court ordered out of the home no one tries to save the children's lives left behind because mom lost a child. No one wants to get involved right? All because mom lost a child ALL suffering by her surviving children is justified? And Ace Ventura is able to talk about community support. How about community support for a child who is released from a hospital to all this chaos and is placed in inappropriate schooling having nothing but scars for life over the recklessness to address brain damage ramifications for the "new" child? (In other Butler news the children did something outreaching their care to a potential future MaryJaneWayne through a softball game fundraiser (I think) but I have to wonder what the Wayne community is doing. Are they giving up on the child because the child is acting too strange for their (rich, etc) ways of life? Is the child/community prepared for the changed personality? In other words will this potential future MaryJayneWayne have his future destroyed by the local community and everyday people in his life who don't see anything obvious wrong and basically passed him off as an undesirable always having him pay a personal price for what someone else did to his life?). Is she retiring because I am now (at least locally) outspoken about antipsychiatry? Nah. Doubt it. Is she waiting to sue me for defamation of character? Well that's a lost cause because I have nothing left to sue. As Sheldon Cooper would say "that's the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit." (8/31/17 - I received something from the Morris Civil Division and I laughed and told mom what they are coming after her for. Perhaps it's no laughing matter but when I opened it, it looked just like the old snail mail spam and I can't remember right now what that word is that describes it. Good luck with your fishing trip in a street puddle - I have nothing left to sue me for and Catholic School as well as many others failed me). In her new career in administrative science will she sue me for defamation? She might have a case if I had anything left to sue. Lost my house; lost my credit; lost my career; lost my chance at having kids; lost my chance at a 401K; and the list goes on. Butler has a distinct flavor of juvenile losership. Just kids being kids? I've been around the country enough to see the differences or maybe being away from here for so long I see it objectively. Maybe it's something in the rubber mill water of Butler. I''m still baffled how the neighboring town was able to hook into Butler's water when there is case law from 100 years ago in which they didn't win. Perhaps too much dobie smoking to check the law books instead of Google Scholar. Oh and my ex's influence in the evaluation of me only adds fuel to the fire because his parents aren't immigrants and NYC'ers? I was so crazy in grammar school post-injury that I must be REALLY crazy with Butler man Kevin Mont...(oh I mean Planet of the Apes) evaluating me who was guilty of stalking and suppressing me as a minor while I had no protection for my future? Gee let's see what information can be hung out about Ace Ventura. I've already talked about how drug charges against her brother can't be found probably because she knew what to do as a cop. I've already talked about how pre-accident her and one other student were known for being the slowest in class. So she knows what it's like to be harassed. Lost her case? That's why she couldn't see the harassment going on in my life? She will never live this down as I simply wait to die. Her response (which sounds like she lost her case) is typical of Butler's idea of justice. Don't all those males have wives, sisters, daughters and other female family members that it doesn't matter if she was new to them? They are guilty of harassment. Claire is the same as Colleen Kober Pascale in that passive acceptance. Colleen has that same Butler aura about her as Claire. Maybe all my guesses are just the negativity that was left in charge of my life that Claire was court-ordered out of but I was left in so I always think the world is against me when it's not. ... 9/5/17 7 surveillance cameras. aimed at different heights. Anti-stalking laws very strict on pictures of license plates and drivers of those vehicles based on dmv records. 1st town council meeting looking straight at me. Prove it. Children behind me so it doesn't look obvious. Anyone else pick up on that? Why look at me when the whole reason speaking is to honor a teacher sitting on the other side of the aisle. Complete with a Potsdam bow ribbon. Why on earth would they talk about aphasia? Why would that be at a town council meeting? Pieces of pieces. For now. Oh and the calls coming into my phone for voice recognition purposes. Pieces of pieces. For now. Stalking. Restraining order was denied. Pieces for now. ... 9/6/17 so surprise! mom actually made an appointment for a hearing aid tryout after she spoke the other night to someone she knows who is not in the handicapped groups and I think is related to her. I think she has done this because certain people have pulled away from her - I don't know if it would be helping her or just interacting with her. No aid came yesterday so Chris went to work today with greasy hair and last showered when the aid was here. I doubt we're going to get the same one back but you never know. Feeling harassed and annoyed with the private community with 7 different cameras. 7 people with 7 different cameras? Just to think the owners of at least 2 of those cameras tried to get a restraining order against the tribe. It's the tribe who needs a restraining order against the camera owners. But when you're confined to the same people who run the law what can you do? Been there done that in Potsdam (and other places). ... oh yeah and mom's words of revelation about finally getting a hearing aid were "I have to think about things" which is not the only time I've heard of this. Completely inappropriate in taking care of medical lives. She thought for 17 years what to do about Christine's brain damaging, untreated seizures? Disconnect. ... 9/7/17 study.com ... 9/9/17 So this morning I simply took prescription ibuprofen and sucked it up. Flashes of Claire recently acting like she belonged in a convalensent center just because she had shoulder pain. SUCK IT UP! Oh and she recently would only meet with mom with TJ driving her because she didn't want to take any chances. GROW SOME BALLS CLAIRE! Like I've said she hasn't grown up in this house with various aches and pains and had to suck it up and move on. We are her freak family. Mark my words. All ok'd and justified by an evil bitch wilson. I also know of these pains she's having that she's tying it to something spiritual. She just has blinders on that she needs to reason beyond The Way International who has denied her the underlying medical realities of her and her family. So yesterday I had to rest my sore ankle on the same leg that wiped out because of Stalker's Bridge and other harassment in which landowners are not allowed proper lighting. I watched Kelly. I watched Rachel Ray. And for some reason I just wanted to go lie down after 1/2 of The View. At a certain point I thought it very odd that a helicopter sounded unusual in the sense that the sound didn't creep up long enough until it got over the house and then it was loud and then it didn't have the same length of creeping away noise. Later when I turn on David Muir he says they will report on a country singer who died in a helicopter crash. Instead of wait to find out I google it and HOLY FUCK THAT FEELING WHEN IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE A PART OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Just like years ago when a Mrs. Spina "had to be washed out of a car" because the red light she was sitting at on the bottom of a hill was directly in front of a tractor trailor who couldn't break in time. Looking at the time that accident happened I had just gone through that light when it was green on my way to meet my ex for lunch at his factory job and as soon as that light turned red tragedy struck. After I got home my ex called all worried and I said yeah as I was coming home I saw all these cops (and fire trucks?) in the other direction lane but I didn't know what happened. Immediately an Amy Grant song before she went mainstream starts going off in my head about angels watching over me. I don't want those angels anymore. Hasn't anyone ever heard of a mercy killing? But as one of my college mates in campus christian fellowship told me once as she stayed over my house with another fellower, "out of all the prayers God hears he REALLY hears those of children" and when we had our accident there was a whole grammar school of children praying for us. Translate that into whatever "God" is, and it rings true that children are uncorrupted just yet so that they are more prone to seeing apparitions more readily than adults. Their minds won't lie or conform to what's supposed to be. ... Oh and how ironic the crash happened 15 minutes away from where the below lawyers are after me and an hour away from Ms. Potsdam put-on ... keeping track of that tattoo on the right ankle and there was something else and I think the other thing that stood out is the ankle bracelet. We have nothing to say to each other outside of she has some explaining to do. ... 9/13/17 So today I wasn't even going to get out of bed. But by the time I had to use the bathroom and looked at the time I thought I might as well put all this destruction out to the world. Maybe I died in a previous life with no one knowing my circumstance and I died in complete silence. Not this life. The day started off on the wrong foot hearing the ladies on The View talk about mental health. Perhaps they were just reading their lines but I will not back down from the lie that doesn't get right to the point of brain damage. When I came back to the TV and turned it back on within the hour there was Hillary Clinton. Aha! I am not in the dark about real motivations. ... ending early today. Part of the reason is I'm improperly parked and going to find out if I have a ticket. Bored. Restless. But have a situation to go to tomorrow. Yeah psychiatry would have a heyday over how I'm feeling. Justice over parents who never took me back to a hospital with the diagnosis of BRAIN DAMAGE. Justice over a lifetime of humiliation. Justice over so much. No worries. Four Loko to the rescue. Waiting for my heart to give out one of these days. Jesus fucking christ the surrogate's court was available to save my life the whole time but because of sweet sounding (or otherwise) immigrants in this country I'll be damned to not go out with a bang beforehand. Left with an immigrant's side of the family who doesn't know what to do from across the ocean. No one cares all their information is being stalked until something happens and they finally get it. Cheers! ...9/14/17 Today mom's aid got an earful. Last night we got into it how mom declared over and over from my objection that Christine's medicaid is not just for her shop. Turns out I was right as mom said that through Danielle she "just changed it." I was so distraught I threw up all the food and alcohol I ingested when I went to bed but still heavily buzzed that I slept for the next 5 hours. Had to do Vodka and orange juice for round two. With the TV on before shower I learn mom has an aid coming at 12 and a nurse at 1. The latest I have to leave is 12:30. So for 2 hours mom knows I don't want to miss The View and after shower she finally interrupts complaining about my stuff that needs to be picked up. That's when I lose it and miss a lot of The View. And we get into it about the Medicaid. The aid shows up and says she's only there for an hour. Eventually I get the hint and I say to mom "What she's saying is she needs you to go to the shower now because she's only here for some time. This is when mom, annoyed, says "I know..." indicating for me to shut the fuck up. That's when me and mom have it out in front of the aid. Mom asks the aid if her mother would ever put up with her talking to her like that (yeah nice town of bedrock mom needs to go back to). The aid says her mother would slap her. I say yeah well if she's handicapped that all is different. So the aid was all informed all of a sudden. The aid surprisingly asks I went to college and immediately it's a matter of how I must defend myself with that one. The aid also asks that I can drive a car again a disbelief factor that I have anything wrong with me. So we completely go at it in front of the aid bringing her up to date which doesn't come out right fitting 40 years into 15 minutes. The aid asked me how old I was before I left and I told her and said I was comatosed for a month at six years of age and certain things didn't develop correctly since. I think but can't be sure I got through ... that things did not develop normally from that age of injury. There's a whole lot more that happened that I just can't get out at the moment. I was sure to point out that - can't remember. ... 9/18/17 Before the aid had asked me my age I guess my mother had said about laundry and the aid very loudly said about "her daughter" doing laundry and I chimed in that I don't do my own laundry and I'm not doing a damn thing until this surrogate's court situation is fixed and then mom will get help. I think it was yesterday morning I smelled the laundry detergent use in the laundry room so mom wound up doing laundry this weekend. She may have done another load this morning before the cleaning lady showed. Something started me in on mom again this morning about planning for her children's future. Need to remember that one... There was something else said by her aid that will come back to me but I'm not sure I reported the absolute hysteria behind mom recently stating she either never called claire's group a cult or she couldn't remember calling it a cult. Fucking stupidity. ... 9/19/17 Never remembered what else with the aid yesterday. Today I was out of the house before mom's aid showed up. I was fucking freaking out thinking banking and insurance is going to be the end of me which is fine because it's no surprise but they need the noose made and in place to throw it on and pull to hang me. I'd be better off I really would. I can't manage this life anymore. But then after using a public bathroom I got in my car and saw rain drops on the window which means things are usually going my way due to some fucking freakshow I don't really know about out of Potsdam NY. Will my car insurance be dropped if I simply don't answer about house insurance? I assume they know. Anyway, I'm just left with PTSD rather than being told what the hell the freak show is all about. Speaking of Potsdam, Aunt Flo arrived exactly on time giving me flashbacks to opposing counsel who is from NJ trying to pinpoint that Depakote put my periods on time. As if I have no case of the assault that took place on my person. As if they didn't need to know my period history before being on Depakote. (I actually missed my period that month on Depakote). This flashback is actually probably giving me an understanding about Ms. Potsdam put-on. He's from south Jersey just as she is. No idea if there's a tie-in. It's a free country for travel and there's more than me who knows about Potsdam. The other opposing lawyer reminded me nothing short of Howdy Doody but he was much more concise than the NJ one. There's only been a few days this cycle that I have not bled.... oh yes I'm not sure if the aid didn't notice or didn't ask that I was using a child's wheelchair - Christine's from long ago specially made for one hand use. I kind of look like a grownup on a tricycle. Well it drives home the point we definitely have not had updated medical care through the years. Lately it's been easier to sit in. Is it because I am stretching the capacity? I don't know. ... 9/22/17 Don't have much time on this slow connection right now. Was going to sit out for about 7 hours today but I got too much going on tomorrow that, with my body in so much pain, I just need to rest today. I am in so much pain all due to me being left with a guardian who wasn't capable of providing medical guardianship. I met mom's nurse the other day and didn't have much time because I was on my way out. When she came upstairs I let her know I'm the youngest she hasn't met yet. I asked the nurse if she knows mom lost her knee cap in our accident long ago as the nurse needs a complete history. I also mentioned brain injury to the nurse and asked mom how long she was unconscious for. Mom was extremely unhappy with me and kept telling me to go away and not dwell on things from 30 years ago. I was so hurt/taken aback that I didn't get to utter the words that brain injury is a lifetime disability. Anyway mom wouldn't initially answer how long she was unconscious. (Flashback to when we went to a counseling session with a neuro-psychologist in 1997 referred by the insurance case-worker in which mom said "I was awake" and I stormed out because no one is questioning the lack of diagnosis we were left in). This time mom ultimately said she doesn't know how long she was unconscious and I couldn't go into it any further because I had to leave. It was obvious though that the nurse was never told about it because she asked mom what happened. As mom did her dismissal of me I said to the nurse "see!" There's much more to write about but I'm feeling lazy(?) Overwhelmed(?) today in anticipation of tomorrow. I'm in soooo much pain and I'll be in unfamiliar territory and there isn't a set plan for tomorrow. I hate wingin it like that but just may have to. I heard mom's aid say she has 3 different jobs - the other 2 having nothing to do with medical life. It gave me a better feeling as to why she was aloof to my needs when me and mom battled it out her first time here. It turns out the aid never showed up the other day when I left. She's from the same town mom said she had to go to over court with us long ago. Change of venue for reasons I don't know because it's not the county we live in nor is it the county we had the accident in but it is the county Michael J. Mella is in. It's also mentioned in a Billy Joel song. Feeling blah today. I have alfalfa tea for pain but I'm not interested in life-saving herbs and stuff like that. I just want to die in peace. No stress over newly-created yearly reviews. Just die in peace. When I got here there were a lot of black crows making noise. Potsdam freak-show'ers know what that means. Wish I did. ... 9/24/17 seee! Mom must be a really good liar: https://plus.google.com/u/0/+GerryOginski10/posts/dMAACh1UZxB?cfem=1 :-(. Actually when mom lied a long time ago it was the opposite situation. And lives when down the drain all because of it. No worries. Four Loko to the rescue in a couple of hours. No sympathy from me to this woman but I guess that is obvious. ... notes from 9/28/17: Christine fell going into her room this morning around 9:30am. I made sure mom let me get to her first. Christine was scooting herself over to her bed on her carpet describing to me what she was doing as "crawling on my back" and being right there I said "I see that" and Christine laughs. I think I tried to pull her up with no success and then I realized to scoot her mattress over so she could scoot herself onto the lower box spring and then go from there. After she was sitting upright on the box spring she was gleeful (or maybe it was after she was totally up on the mattress) but as soon as I had her standing I had to get back up from resting my back and bring her mattress back into place. Christine was all laughy and happy as I rolled out of her room. Within 5 minutes Christine was back in the mood of yelling and complaining as getting her dressed is harder for both of them (flashbacks to the fat-phobic inappropriate psychologist giving the aura of "MaryJane has failed her self" and now suffers a disease as she stated I have mood swings (now). She's known me since I was 14. Couldn't see it all along? I actually was scared of her at that age. 7 years later I met up with her again because I completely forgot or didn't know one piece of information that reveals she's not all that). I also had flashbacks of that snapping back knee of Christine's. When mom's aid came today she asked about me doing the shopping (because I dropped off the shopping at the end of the stairs last day she was there) and mom didn't elaborate. If she did it was in silence because mom knows "the house has ears." Today the aid inquired about my whereabouts and Christine said "in her room" and the aid concluded I was sleeping." Not sure why that was the conclusion. Perhaps the old stereotype of "up all night and sleeps all day?" Something with mom happened the day before but it'll have to come back to me. ... 9/30/17 The Mt. Laurel attorneys mail will remain unopened. The stalker's bridge(?) now has the phone company after me at my mother's house. Actually it's what helped me get out of bed today and be here. STRESS. Today I took prescription ibuprofen for the pain of my fall due to stalker's bridge. When I fell it was stinging but I forced myself to walk to my car. Then it was ice 15 on and 15 off for the next 2(?) days. Then it was just still taking it easy. I'm not sure why the pain would still be here. I remembered back to the elbow specialist who gave me a new ACL telling me I always needed to wear my brace because if I walk on uneven ground it would be problematic. (The ACL surgery was unsuccessful but her surgery on me did give me permenant numbness in parts of my leg. She said to me my meniscus was so bad she just took it out.Another medical professional said that makes no sense). Then I remembered it was my chiropractor that pointed out how he was in disagreement with the brace. I was actually very happy to hear that and not wear the brace. That pain in the ass brace had me ALL day having to go out of my way to readjust it time and again. It was in proper place the same (if not less) amount in the day as it was slipped down my leg. There were times that going to the bathroom to adjust it was just not worth it. Fucking brace. I was so happy to be freed from it. I was actually doing ok on uneven ground. It's just the harassment about proper lighting that did me in. I'm having a feeling I might be more of a hinder than a help but that's perception I can't depend on because mom raised me to be a deer in the headlights even if I was innocent. Like a cop at an accident scene depends on what they are told by both parties so I always lost out wondering "What did I do wrong?" Instead of defensive driving I was a hazard to myself. That's only accident scenes. Maybe the people in my life who have legal stuff going on should push me away because I'd be more of a hinder than a help in the long run. I've been told I do more work than others but I have to wonder if that would help their cause being that my situation is such a hot mess. By all means I'll leave and revert back to how I was before getting involved. Just let me know - I don't want to hurt their case. I'm dying as scheduled anyway.... oh yes and the baseball player blowing kisses to his supporters as returning from injury has the cycles going off in my head about the potential future MaryJaneWayne. Is the kid being made fun of by classmates now because of that "weirdness" being left with life-damaging scars? Is that a lifetime income ticket to some psychologist or psychiatrist for MaryJaneWayne to go to for services over that damage? Flashback to TJ(?) being pulled out of T-ball because Claire felt it would be better than having other kids making fun of him because he wasn't hitting the ball. What an airheaded piece of shit. What a disconnected piece of shit from all that I've been through and all she can say is "Mom did her best." ... Ok so instead of "an ambulance chaser" this could have worked to: http://www.modernhealthcare.com/article/20170905/NEWS/170909961. Anything but the suffering of "my sins" I'm stuck in.... Actually Claire had a lot of bleeding and passed out after or during the birth of either TJ or Christopher - can't remember which. That would be a more untended condition of Claire who simply says she's doing ok under the circumstances: https://www.abclawcenters.com/practice-areas/prenatal-birth-injuriesmaternal-medical-conditionsbleeding-during-pregnancy-delivery/. Remember the birthing center for the first child was different for Claire than the second one.... and this is why Christopher refused to allow the government operate on his hernia operation (and therefore was discharged from the military): https://www.militarytimes.com/pay-benefits/military-benefits/health-care/2016/07/10/tragedy-and-injustice-the-heartbreaking-truth-about-military-medical-malpractice/ ... oh yes and that's what happened with mom the other day. I still have to remember how we got into it but I remember stating to her point blank "that's why if Christine goes to a group home she will never see me again. This was never the plan in our lives and you went and did something giving no preparation whatsoever." I was actually surprised at how much mom gave up the fight after this which means something is sinking in? I let her know that for the rest of her life Christine will get visits from the happy visitor Claire and that's it. Claire who is not involved in Christine's medical life.... DEFINITELY WHAT I'M ALL ABOUT SINCE ZEROING IN ON MY PROBLEMS SENIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL. I NEED THIS RESOURCE:
https://w ww.abclawcenters.com /blog/2017/07/24/26- free-online-learning -resources-to-keep-y our-child-exploring- this-summer/ Actually it's not just here that I'm stuck in time. At a recent event, Chief pointed out the interesting game they brought in to simulate a bull ride. At one point I pointed out how I'm still a kid wanting to be on the ride that is a gymnastics belt and gives kids the freedom to flip kind of like this: http://www.gymsupply.com/samfullyadjustablespottingsystem.aspx. Reality of how unrealistic for me it was sunk in when Chief suggested going over to it - and he would actually go too. I figured they probably only have kids sizes (of belts). I think the actual pain of walking over to the ride was how reality settled into my mind of how unrealistic it was in reality but it was totally realistic in my thinking. I surprised myself by having that sounding board.... flashback to an Angelina Jolie movie in which she had one of those gymnastics set up in her house - exactly what I wanted. Instead of walking down the stairs she took this gymnastics belt thing from the second floor. Not sure if that would have been Tomb Raider. I actually think it was a movie when my ex was around so it would have been before Tomb Raider.... this will be an interesting read: https://www.drugwatcher.org/challenging-medical-lawsuits/ ... 10/5/17 I was so grateful this past weekend to meet someone who was telling me her mother is disregardful when it comes to her disability. My first question was "Is she an immigrant?" Sure enough the answer was yes. My medical testing that I only insisted on revealed one of my strong points is patterns. Too bad I couldn't recognize home harassment so that I would recognize it when I got out in the world. As I was leaving this person this past weekend I made it a point to say "I'll see you again?" because it was so poignant. I never found out what country her mother is from but when I said mine is from Ireland I didn't have to explain myself the phrase "cold." It's as if she has heard it all before but didn't sound like she has that in her own life. I relayed a lot of this to mom as mom came in the room this morning to get ready to take herself to the emergency room over the same thing as last time but that's what happens when you don't pursue medical malpractice over compression stockings that need to be started all over again from the start if you haven't worn them in a long time. Mom stopped being defensive I guess as the reality was sinking in as I was saying that's the problem with fucking immigrants in this country who need to get with the program of where their children are coming from.Claire's same way doesn't fit into an immigrant category. Mom called me a couple hours later to say they are admitting her and I told her me and Christine are already getting dinner but I'm not getting up in the morning to get her to shop. She told me I'd need to call her bus if that's the case so I looked up the number and as soon as I had it she started in as to why I don't just help her. I told mom this is not my problem. That she made Claire sole other guardian so she needs to call Claire or go back to the surrogate's court and mom did her usual pfft to the word. Same bullshit went on about I've got to get out. And the local dobie smokers do nothing. * sigh * yep. Something that threw me was being kissed on the lips this past weekend! But unless I'm blind to the people I'm serving that was just a precious joking of "WHAT are you doing?" or "What's this???" It's had me laughing the past couple days. Unless I'm blind to the people I'm serving. Twenty years too late I learned about the brain injury reading of social cues that is a real problem for brain injury recipients. All as I wallow in the sorrow of mom calling it all a bunch of shit and the dobie smokers sit around and smoke away waiting for the stop sign to turn green :-(((. ... 10/6/17 So I'm stuck on the painfully slow connection again and it looks like I will be until Sunday when mom comes home. Two hours after the fact today I see DDD called my phone. As if! Call Claire! DDD theoretically has blood on their hands and they're calling me about Christine because no one is answering the house phone?? Just like I called DDD to save my life from California and she was ready to jump on it because she had no idea there were other children involved but as soon as I said I drove myself across the country she said there was nothing she could do - all in the same phone call. Happy now? When relaying this call in front of Pat Guide mom said her usual of "you shouldn't have said..." DAH! It helped her out! Not a fucking clue! Just like mom said she used her own money in paying a lawyer for me to not be evicted from the nursing home. Dah! She had me lose the case because she was willing to take me in. Fucking stupid! A PT came to the house today for Christine - same as mom's and he verified you need to be careful with compression stockings but he did not verify that if you haven't been wearing them for a long time you need to start all over. No medical professional is going to say you have a medmal case against another medical professional unless they are being paid as an expert witness in court. I had to call mom to get some of Christine's info including her social security number and I will have to look into why mom gave me dad's social security number with a medical number attached. Does it mean with guardianship that's the way it goes? even though dad is dead? Just like when I looked into the court papers long ago, only Christine was mentioned. The hell this is ending this way with me alive. Did Michael J. Mella not feel he could have my injuries verified? Did my father just refuse to delve into the unobvious? Brainwashed Claire couldn't give a shit I assume. Brainwashed Claire doesn't have the profound injuries me and Christine do. Just like the disabled child of an immigrant I was grateful to meet this past weekend - it only scratches the surface. That person doesn't have the profound injuries of more than one person that mom was left responsible for. I heard mom on the phone with Danielle of DDD before she went to the hospital and I heard mom relay to Danielle that mom was going to the hospital but I was home - so Christine was ok. I later asked mom what that was all about and Danielle said she'd be looking into where Christine could stay in an emergency. Good. This useless medical immigrant will be useful when she takes responsibility for all of her children. Flashes of Judge Deanne M. Wilson trailing off as she was telling me "you can file your own..." AS IF THAT WAS GOING TO PUT CHRISTINE IN A SITUATION OF LESS MEDICAL DANGER OR BETTER ADEQUACY. Then Christine's care at her workshop goes down the drain with a rustic Nancy as opposed to the younger Jennifer (and Jennifer stand-in when on maternity leave). I didn't know what Wilson meant - oh and how convenient I don't have the money to "file my own..." This is not ending this way that our father was gone at 12 years of age and we've been left here. Guess I'll go get dinner and then do the usual of drinking myself to sleep. Last night Christine got herself into bed. I gave her some help in the morning minus mom's complaints. ... 10/9/17 Well this fucking sucks because of fucking sucky techies at the college. Everything I wrote right on here while being offline is completely lost because when I came on campus it shut me down. As a former Techie-qualified person it makes no sense that guests were suddenly cut off from using the university's wifi safe connection. My bad for not just putting it on some type of word processing. But then again dirty deeds can be done dirt cheap by people who are aware of things and trying to bring you down. When I was skinny and sexy lots of people watched my ass. I ALWAYS watch my ass. I'm not registering my fucking device on this fucking network just to avoid the headache. FUCK YOU. nm. Anyway trying to rethink everything I wrote today that is all completely GONE. So there is a difference in Christine in that after spending some peaceful days with me I saw the stress A1 when mom came home Saturday. Mom came home from the hospital and Christine wanted to go out but instead of the usual "I'm sick of living here!" Christine pouted a "I'm sick of being in the house." Mom's goings on that are all GONE now because of inadequate college techies have to come back to me. I totally would have had Christine meet tribe had I known about Saturday's event with ample time beforehand. I would very much like her to as mom has Christine tied into Catholicism and I think Natives have much more of a spiritual clue - a way of life for time immemorial. Claire's group only arose out of a Princeton University Theological Seminary in the 1970s - a supposed pedophile according to his fellow Ivy Cornellers. So Sat mom arrived home and the house is noisy again and mom calls for a nurse to come and it's not only a weekend but a holiday so this morning mom said her leg is burning as I ask why is the coffee filter on the table. Turns out mom got up to make coffee but gave up. Just like my knee pain has been kicking my ass since Sat when mom got home and it's a Potsdam ritual thing I can almost guarantee because I wasn't doing anything except lying in bed when it started. It's a miracle I got here today. Yesterday I was downed by the excruciating pain. When mom said this morning about everything I said "that's why you stay in the hospital until you know you've secured the things you need at home." Mom did her defensive and by the time she was finished we were right back to what I originally said of "that's why you stay in the hospital until you know you've secured the things you need at home." Still have to remember everything else I had written down that is GONE. ... 10/11/17 dreams: (and I hope I remember the second one). I had 4 nurses taking care of me milling around my living quarters in the city of Syracuse. These were the same nurses involved in mom's care. Something comes to mind that I'm not sure if it was this dream or another that I went up the stairs of an airport and the lock needed to work or there would be trouble. Anyway I was laying in bed with a nurse tending to me and she got off the phone with her friend and flicked the light on and off so her friend who was a truck driver could see it coming around the highway bend in front of my window. I didn't know this was going to happen. I just know she got off her phone and flicked the light and waved and I asked "oh they're a truck driver?". End of dream that I can remember. 2nd dream: I've lost it for now but the first dream I kept playing over in my head so I would remember it when I got up. My knee pain is KICKING MY ASS so I can't just easily get up these days. I won't be going to a Doctor. I'm just missing out on phone calls I was going to make and other stuff that I've been tackled like a football player. I don't plan on missing Saturday's event. I just probably won't be as well prepared. The good news is the knee pain is so extremely excrutiating that I can't feel the back pain when I walk. Christine fell this morning again on 10/11/17. She didn't fall near her room so police had to come and pick her up after I went back to bed. I heard one cop come here and ask Chis some questions and then had "Sarge" come. Must be Ace Ventura's predecessor. I was surprised mom got a pair of pants and shoes on in time. Shit theoretically hit the fan yesterday but this is getting old of how much of a corrupt screw up Morris County Surrogate's Court is in asking, witnessing, admonishing, and then just letting slide the lives left in this careless negligence. On the first PT visit for Christine her heart rate was low and good when first taking. First taking yesterday it was elevated and I have to guess being back under mom's stress had anything to do with it. I didn't say it. I made sure Christine wore shorts with the PT here so we could FINALLY address this issue. The PT saw her leg snapping back right away. He feels it's a muscle issue though and not an ACL. I told him how they used to pick my leg up when lying down and the leg would droop down so I had an ACL issue. My ACL was never torn - everything was so completely stretched out in my leg including the ACL that I only had one working ligament going into surgery. He talked about the getting of a knee brace and mom was all of a sudden in the dark. I started in with "AS I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU..." and then had to clarify with mom that what he is saying is that they will start out with a brace place first (for inquiry) and then a doctor but since Christine was being taken to her GP yesterday the PT said to ask him to write a prescription. The result of that was the GP asked "what kind of knee brace?" and then told mom to tell the PT to call him. Good! This loose cannon woman is not just getting things willy nilly at last. Once the PT noticed the inadequate height of Christine's crutch that's when things got real interesting. Again you hear me say "I said that."Do a search on this blog for the word "crutch" and you'll come across our time in the emergency room with Christine that I found out how inadequate her crutch is because we are about the same height and in order for me to use her crutch I had to sway my body back in order to get support of the crutch. I let the PT know that Christine's Harvard educated foot doctor did not address that. The PT did the same as the first day in joking what I say doesn't matter. No laughing matter (although I understand that as a stranger all he could do was make a joke of it) and we are only fucked by the Morris County Surrogate's Court. Christine's Harvard educated foot doctor did not address Christine's snapping knee however mom is the one of many at fault for not getting her proper orthopedic evaluations. As I've said, why on earth would a Harvard graduate be doing in my country bumpkin neck of the woods??? Witness protection? Hiding something else? And this college's computer Techies suck balls. Something is not right. ... In other neighborhood news mom's lucky stars are going to run out. I assume because the girls across the street are aware it's bear season (or at least warm weather that they are not hibernating) we got a ring to our doorbell last night. As I refused to help mom the way things are, mom stuggled over to the window and opened it. The girls were going back to their house when mom asked who it is and they yelled to us "your garage is open" and I was too blitzed to be totally engaging but yelled back "thank you" and they yelled "you're welcome." I then continued loudly at mom who was in the process of closing the window that had she not kept going on, I would have been able to hear the garage door closing when the delivery person left. (That delivery person threw me. Granted when I called to place the order Christine thinks I said Mayo instead of Mustard but I know for a fact after hanging up that I incorrectly told them to make a right instead of a left to get to our house. That does not though answer why she had her car parked away from our house and with how she was talking, her children were in her car. She looked to be more of a middle eastern descent than Mexican. She also took a long time to come into the house from the garage and I don't know why). With mom having a hearing aid this wouldn't be a problem. This morning there was a police line-up outside and the house with the jock only child had something happen and I still don't know if it was a break-in or a bear or what but the mother was pointing out something with damage to her car and by the time I got there her dog was in the car and no one was going in the house except police. When the PT first got here for mom today he asked if I saw the police outside and I said I saw one in the mirror but the police were already here today to pick Christine up. A female police officer came with a camera and took pictures of the house. The girls mother came home, went inside, came out, and reported everything checks out except she didn't check the basement. It was kind of odd to be sitting in the window with the glass open most of the time and not interact with anyone. But I'm fucking pissed off at this fucking place until I see justice - or death - whichever comes first. Just like it's scarring to have neighbors be mean to the tribe over who and what they are, I've already been there and done that with eggs thrown at our house and windows soaped up and gas caps stolen from the car in the driveway, etc - while mom finds comfort in the friends and family who keep her aloof and Claire was simply playing an Ivanka Trump that she's not grown out of consisting of keeping the peace, as Trump has said about his daughter being a good negotiator over the years. One of the police that had come around was wearing what I think is a bullet proof vest and after all had left I heard sirens lurking around eventually. I first thought it was a raid of the Mexicans who never open their window shades or blinds and they can be found outside (the male at least) wearing a bandana mask below the eyes which hides facial recognition. It's hard to judge on that though. I lived in a house never opening window covers. ... 10/12/17 It was a break-in and immediately I wondered what pattern singled out their house and I verified their house is the only one in the immediate neighborhood that has a different energy source than everyone else. Related or not I don't know. The retired police officer who was at our accident scene would have seen it and I told mom this but mom said he could have been sleeping. So when Christine got home yesterday her mood was over-the-top in that she almost fell and her screams against living here have returned. So I asked her if she wants to live in group home or with Claire. She took a while to answer and her answer was Claire. I then asked her what makes her think things will be better if she lives there. Her tantrum returned and she said she didn't know. (The problem is not living here. That I know. Christine is only repeating that from YEARS of mom's influence. She's not able to identify the problem. My guess is she wants a change. I do know she is as compliant with PT as she would be at a schedule with Kessler. As I keep saying I am well aware of the rehabilitative lives we've lived before and during returning to this house in the late 70s/early 80s but the Morris County Surrogate's Court only exists for corruption to continue). Later on I intuitively asked Christine when she last had her period and her answer was she didn't know. Mom said it "was a long time ago" and I understood. This morning Christine was over-the-top again with mom as the frustrations of getting dressed erupted. Christine stopped screaming when I let her know she's only like this because she's getting her period soon and that I used to be exactly the same only my spells came out as crying/sobbing instead of screaming. That they call it PMS (not the meant technical definition) and it stands for Premenstrual Syndrome. This explanation totally stopped Christine's tantrum. (Flashback to Christine having seizures prior to her periods for 17 years). Yeah I think I get that it's the same for Christine that once she understands what the problem is it is better controllable. Been there and done that in the first 5 minutes with a brain injury counselor who has never technically lost a case in court but we are left with this fucking immigrant who never took action once she was told the truth. The next cold words mom threw at her in mom's own frustration, Christine didn't react to. The college's techies still suck balls as it is easy to see that students and their laptops come and go from campus and they don't only use the network so it makes no sense that for security reasons guest accounts were cut out from wifi. I'm juist waiting to see it all blow over. Oh and one other thing about yesterday, I did find it odd to see a jean dressed unmarked guy going to an unmarked van with a meter reader around here some time in the last 2 weeks. It was ironic that as I was typing all this neighborhood stuff yesterday that mom was going back to the hearing aid place to return the alternate pair that she probably lied about saying she followed all the directions. After making sure she didn't get charged $8000 for the first pair she went to them who gave her an alternate and she told me that night she had them in and needed to get used to them gradually as per instructions. She didn't put them in the next night or any other nights I know of but she'll lie about that too. There was something else with the PT but as I'm stuck on a slow connection due to knee pain kicking my ass still I'll have to remember some other time. ... and I remembered what I forgot and then forgot again about with the PT and I'm running out of power so don't know if I'll get it in. ... 10/13/17 Oh yes so what happened is that me and mom were going at it before the PT got here and I was going over the top at mom and as I finished "a sentence" the doorbell rings. Mom opens the door and the PT's response was different when coming in asking "hello" and I eventually ask him if he heard me screaming and he said yes and wondered what happened and I think I said something along the lines of "that's what happens when medical obligations are not fulfilled." I think he said something like that everyone has their issues and I did not like that response. Flashback to all the times growing up people hurling their shit at me about living in the past instead of "There's statute of limitations on that. Get to work on that now!" But the dobie smokers just sit and wait for the stop sign to turn green. Taking it easy for today for tomorrow. Just woke up and the pain feels more manageable but the day has just begun. ... Christine fell again when she came home today but I need to keep my mindset on tomorrow. The pain is not as nerve riding but it's serious nontheless. Mom declared she feels Christine's crutch is the problem. 2ce I had to remind her she was falling before the crutch adjustment. I completely forgot to tell the PT that the other problem with Christine's crutch is the stopper on the bottom wearing. It could be with the new height adjustment she needs to have the stopper changed. Mom is not looking at just getting a stopper because they've tried that before and couldn't get it on the crutch. I told her "well now you have a PT to put it on so go get some." ... 10/15/17 Will it happen? I doubt it. Mom has long since forgotten that conversation by now. Exactly why the competency evaluations of guardians need to be strict. Flashes of multiple medical professionals saying they see no reason why I'm not or could not be involved in Christine's medical care. So yesterday was just another great day with the tribe. Hoping a blessing of healing was well received. My knee pain is still kicking my ass but same as last reporting.... 10/17/17 So last night's dreams happened in 2 phases. During sleep 1 had dream that dealt with family descendants on my father's side and there was much activity and a very overall bad feeling. During phase 2 of sleep where dream 2 happened it was peaceful and I distinctly heard the words coming from a particular face saying "Welcome home" as if having a near-death experience. Before phase 1 of sleep I was over-the-top with mom who had the gall to call Dad's Uncle's son in Cali about how he is in relation to the Cali fires. Gall? Because he's (that I know of) the only lawyer in the family whom mom never reached out to for help however, mom's laughing at me over the years for being involved with lawyers and telling me I will get no place with them, held me back from strong cases. Fucking useless in America.... And I can't believe Christine now that mom's home. Saying she does her exercises 3 times a day I can't believe it. That's the rehabilitative blockade mom is even if it is with good intention - well maybe good intention is not a good use of the word. Me not getting here yesterday all worked out in that it was time for Danielle to visit. I got to know what the service interruptions were for Christine and expressed my dislike of Christine's job pay citing that none of the Occupy movement agrees with these huge money making companies paying pennies on the dollar to the handicapped as wages. Christine is not exposed to the non-menial jobs available to her so she wouldn't know what to complain about. Long ago she complained about the work she was doing of stuffing thermometers and then sitting around when there was no work to do. She came home and said she wants a regular job. Her uneducated immigrant mother thinks she's involved in all that. NOT. Come to think of it, don't thermometers have mercury in them? Wasn't that a hazard? And our lives waste away at being left with this woman.... It feels like my surgery undid itself which makes no sense how some pain that was fading suddenly kicked my ass but then again I know of the Potsdam freakshow. It keeps clicking as if something is not touching.... but then again some things I've been thinking about lately is that during discovery Michael J. Mella or David Rutherford discovered I went to kindergarten illegally and so I was left out of the insurance records that the court records only show of Christine. Right our lives were thrown away to insurance. Right. My father had to sue my mother under no-fault even though the truck driver was sued for speeding and over the weight limit. Is it because mom lied about her activities with that deli? and so discovery went awful for the children involved in SHIT going on in the adult world. Time to reopen an old case because I demand answers. ... 10/19/17 [to be edited/fixed some other time up until 10/28/17] at 4:02 AM I got up to record a dream and my laptop not working!!!!! I was given a chance to start in safe mode and just let it start windows normally. Had to shut it down again from power button. 2nd time laptop acted strange since being on the college campus. Error "IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL" Dream(s?) - first had dream dealing with another line of my father's descendants and again had very bad unsettling feeling. Then had dream working in a team and as I was talking to my team male friend who is the docile type, George Bush Jr. came to him and said "no you asshole" after my friend explained a procedure to him thought to be correct. This is consistent with the lack of social compatibility of me and my ex. ... at 4:24 AM This dream I assume woke me up at 2:30am and I had gone to bed 8pm. Drinking Vodka still at 4:12 am and having an emotional earthquake over my laptop.My leg is acting like it last acted in Potsdam. George Bush has ties to Potsdam as does the entertainment mafia. I've been left for dead by certain people. These stressors make me to the point of jumping. The stress being my laptop. The worst of the people is the Irish bitch whose care I was left under. ...5:45 AM Oh yes and just pointing out the timeliness of Tom Petty's death to the addition of the Dixie Chicks' Bush situation to my playlist. It explains the apathy re: death in potsdam. No one prepared me. Kevin's first reaction of potsdam was "a bad vibe." No one saved me where people's lives can be expendable as needed. Why do I have jewel's song in my head about fly? meaning let me fly which are lyrics from "Barcelona." ... 12:18 PM STRESS OVER MY LAPTOP! NOW I HAVE TO SHOP AROUND FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING!!! STRESS!!!!! ... 10/24/17 at 3:56 PM So day before yesterday I was watching observe(?) about an obviously disabled (autistic) boy who made it to college and had a support system of an unseen disability group and a friend obviously disabled by cerebral palsy. He had full support of his family although I don't think he had other siblings - therefore he got full attention. He gradually moved on-campus instead of all at once - which, him being overloaded. could lead to assault. Me and mom had it out as she sat there completely disconnected that violin lessons or tap dancing lessons let alone being allowed the chance to continue cooking and sewing when released from a hospital, has anything to do with the future well-being of a child. Yesterday I'm trying to trace my steps about 3 hours still after the above and I still can't remember. Today I have to break the cycle of being in the house for a week with my knee. Wondering when the clicking and shifting will go away. I already know I have a non-working pckg - oh I know what I was going to say. I was going to point out this freakshow in which someone like Tom Petty winds up dead and suddenly Bush speaks out about some crap. My experience in potsdam sees no surprise in the correlation. Remember Bush supposedly had or has a fishing buddy who's a business owner in Potsdam - an unknown political switchboard between the U.S. and Canada. ... 8:41 PM There's a typo below (or above?). It's supposed to be "pbs" and I remembered something else I now forgot. Christine just showed her usual with mom around and I let her know it. I heard Chris come back from the bathroom and place her crutch the usual and tell mom she's sitting in the next room. I had planned on asking her if the PT told her to revert back to that but lost that chance because Chris flew into a rage over her 2nd mistake tonight. I finally went out and joined her in her scream session telling her to shut the fuck up and let me ask my question as she did NOT answer it already. I asked if the PT told her to go back to leaving the crutch away from her. She then said she forgot and somehow the conversation entailed that now mom's home NOW living here is a problem and NOW she's not doing her excersizes faithfully as I had her doing them. She lies and I remind her she didn't do them tonight after dinner and mom comes to the defense she did them last night. I did not see christine standing at the counter doing her newest exercises. Usually the mice will play when the cat's away but in this case the mice are in peril when the cat is NOT away. I reminded Chris how much she did NOT go on with mom gone. And it's been the same old shut-the-fuck-up stress with mom around as in we don't need her fucking going on constantly stressing us out. ... Oct 26 at 9:34 AM So this morning I got woken up a few times. Looked at my phone and it said 8:34. I hear Chris tell mom it's 6:33 and I can't hold my pee in anymore. I figure maybe Chris is talking of something else as I roll in saying it's 8:34 not 6:33. Christine's mistake surprises me as much as it disappoints/embarrasses her. I then hear mom with a usual earthquake of "SHIT!!...' the end of the world happened that mom spilled her glass of water while taking her pills so that starts an already upset christine into a rage. That is cut short by me interrupting there is a man walking by the window. I scream it again louder to go over Chris and finally Chris sees him and reports that accuracy to mom. Since mom only has a shirt on we all need her to know this. As I roll back I hear mom say she needs towels for the spill. In her condition Judge Deanne M. Wilson is her worst nightmare. As I lay back down here I hear mom blame her lack of bottles of water as the problem and she needs to get someone to do the shopping. This is not the first I've heard this so it's good the local store always has me sign at the checkout. So mom gets a towel and I hear her just open up her mouth and yell how awful it is. She's correct. In her condition the path of justice for me to return home is in absolute certainty that Judge Deanne M. Wilson committed senior abuse. It is Claire who aided this by turning a deaf ear to the pretty picture mom always paints. The other night I pointed out to mom she's running from something not going back home being the only Irish person i know wont touch alcohol or cigarettes. how any 16 year old being out of the stronghold of their parents in another country would love that. I ran through the gamut of what mom could be running from and she declared she came here "to WORK" the big hint of something wrong with me. Nice fucking fiasco Morris County Surrogate's Court. ... 12:41 PM I was just reading the native american site article on Jan being stalking awareness month and I'm reminded that on Oct 1 the noise we heard at the end as standing before the bridge was a drone because as I was at my car was an innocent enough looking male minor giving me a bad feeling standing in the field next to my new parking place playing with his drone. A slime's way of saying "so don't cross the bridge. I'm still going to stalk you and your car." ... 2:16 PM Mom just made a call based on the orthotic person just here. I asked him to include in his notes that the sister not included in christine's guardianship was the most proactive. He politely said he thinks he saw mom's eyes roll on that one and I said yeah well mom's got some real problems and needs to go back to Ireland. He let it be known his irish roots but eventually I was like "so yeah this one with the sweet sounding accent went into court and lied about me." So mom has an appointment for 5 days from now. All of this done 3 years ago when I said it could have avoided a bloody head on the driveway with a new open wound brain injury but we are left EVEN STILL with this incompetent immigrant courtesy of Judge Deanne M. Wilson. And if I walk back outside this woman will act like it's any other day. The guy asked if Chris was how she is from a stroke and I explained we were all in an accident and I was comatosed for a mo and lived in the hospital with her. He seemed surprised. I have to wonder if he saw quite clearly the evil imbalance on the scales of justice but I need to carry on my volunteer activity with Chief now and drink away this cruel reality we were left in just so I can get up tomorrow to keep nursing my knee. ... 10/28/17 at 9:25 AM Feeling so incredibly sad. Alone. Woken up by mom's going on about everything. Christine making that noise as mom stresses her out. The noise taught to Chris by mom that was the deal breaker in Claire never watching Chris again when mom went away because we're just too freakish for Claire as if her Children's exposure to us will make her kids lepers. Sadness aided by the stress of yesterday that my alma mater can't help me with my laptop problems so I have to pick and choose which McDonalds I'm going - and there goes mom with her problems this time with turning the TV on. Left here in this - I just remembered one way I did not stay in this sadness was bringing home my dog as a pup. Stress and sadness. That's why immigrants go back to where they came from when things are not working in their favor in this country. But this country leaves immigrants loose cannons and it's the children who pay the price for mom. ... 3:49 PM Oh yes and I've forgotten a few times to mention the blurred vision that seems to have affected my right eye. One night I was trying to rub away the blurriness and when my right eye was covered my sight was clear. The consequences of not saving a life. Stroke pre cursor? Diabetes mismanagement? Infection results? I'm bored and sad. ... 4:59 PM Oh yes and I forgot to mention mom's recent faltering or stumbling voice as I heard her correct herself from "girl" to "woman." Again those precious illusions kicking up that someone is finally telling her to listen to herself in the habits instilled in me who does the same inappropriateness outside the home but only has dear prices to pay for it. The price disabled children in America pay for their sweet and cute sounding immigrant parents....10/31/17 3:34 AM [to be edited/fixed another time to 11/2/17] ... 11/5/17 well this wasn't put in here when it was supposed to be due to my Google Chrome existence I was forced into. ... 10/31/17 3:34 AM What a sad world we live in that there's refusal to address brain damage but digitally altering brown hair to be red hair is done on a regular basis by my criminal stalker that ruined a life. The same slime that has Clare brain washed. ... 12:09 PM So today feeling very sad. When I'm kept busy I'm not so sad but poor NYS wanted to ruin my life with a moneymaking pipeline whereas richer NYC and NJ know how to save a life too late. ... Mom was left doing her usual job of taking the garbage out so I had to go explain to the PT the drug addict behavior surrounding all the years that went by and all the inappropriate and reckless care that never addressed christine's snapping knee. I don't think I adequately explained mom's medical incompetence that played right into it. When I mentioned Kessler for the overall brain injury care he disagreed but it sounds like his Kessler experience was pre-brain injury days. If not it goes to show more immigrant disregard. Flashback to judge deanne m. Wilson saying that all I do is argue even with the Kessler recommendation doctor when she was completely false - I was simply pointing out that he recommended something verbally without writing it down. One corrupt bitch better off dead. If I didn't feel it I wouldn't say it. Do I act on feelings? Not really. The PT saw mom with her shoe hanging off because mom needs help putting it on and he said something to her AGAIN. Nice going judge wilson. The PT pointed out how sad all these medical people missing christine's needs repeatedly is. Exactly. The overlappimg of mom's aid had mom say we had to have breakfast delivered because we have no food in the house and since the aid has carried what I've delivered up the stairs she asked/commented I haven't done the shopping yet. There goes mom's attempt at sounding desperate waiting for someone else to fix her problems but I think the PT understands I'm not dependable while the surrogate's court has done what they did. I was very verbal to the PT about how all this happened repeatedly until I got involved. Mom was left in charge of us while never having to learn or be capable of learning the medical jargon needed for proper communication of us. Oh and I keep forgetting to give an elevator update. One of the last times the contract guys were here he left behind his power tool screwdriver. What's the point? It's too heavy for mom's arthritic hands and it seems too complicated for me. Last mom had someone here it was the guy who must have fixed the elevator that mom ommitted to tell me about. It must have been during the time mom was making secret plans with Claire to just up and sell the house. It could have also been some plans in collaboration with an ill-informed Italian mama, et al, within christine's handicapped groups. ... 11/1/17 12:41 PM Holy shit. Through listening to mom's nurse talk to mom I learn the brace place for christine doesn't think her leg is too bad AND she was not evaluated with shorts on AND mom doesn't have the sense to say PT is making her temporarily better. Flashback to the PT relenting saying to me the sad situation this is and I said it's why she would be better off in a full blown brain injury program at Kessler and that seemed to throw him possibly because he does muscle and bone; not brain (which he seemed to not take seriously due to lack of knowledge). I'm hearing mom tell her nurse for the second time she had to drive Chris yesterday and eat out because she can't cook anymore. Mom mentioned something else she can't do but I forget - all a ploy for her to have someone else take authority without her admitting much and still get away with ignoring her kids. ... 5:44 PM So without mom here right now I got to ask Chris about yesterday if she wore shorts and she said yes. I asked if she wore them going there or changed when she got there and she said going. I verified the brace place said she's not walking too bad and then I verified mom did NOT say she's getting physical therapy. (THAT IS THE REGULAR RECKLESSNESS YOU WILL FIND IN THIS BLOG. Mom probably has the city slicker attitude of "don't tell them anything. Have them tell you to prove their competence." The only missing key is "sue them for the incompetence.") The conversation with christine was then about all she's missing out on just because she felt obligated to follow mom's influence to tell Cristina Mirda, when she was here, that she didn't want me involved in whatever 1/2 ass explanation Chris got of what is happening. I then decided to test the odd response I've heard before that she remembers Cristina Mirda (but has no memory of our visit to the head of the department at Kessler). She doesn't remember mom and Claire's atty or what Mirda looks like or when she last came to her shop but she said "sometimes" when I asked if Mirda comes to her shop. I told her not to confuse Mirda with DDD Danielle and she understood. So that may explain why mom is shoulder chip-ish sometimes. That this is ongoing and I am left in the dark same as Jodi Foster in Silence of the lambs. Yet I have to be careful not to mix precious illusions of protection with reality. ... 11/3/17 5:43 AM Day hasn't started yet. After trip yesterday asked mom what PT said and he's speaking to the brace place. I let mom know this delays is what held back our lives. She couldn't just explain Chris is not too bad BECAUSE she's in pt??? That just as the orthotic guy was saying, these are temp fixes. Mom is medically incompetent. We could have had all our post-accident potential fulfilled. Could have. ... 11:09 AM So I either wanted to go to the library or the land today but it's already 10:30am. We desperately need shopping in the house. I'll be having left over Chinese food as a meal today. I'm always a bit lethargic next day after a 13 hour drive but activity for the tribe pulls me out of that mindset. I'll have a chance later to possibly find out what, if anything, is happening today or tomorrow on the land. I've gone before and sat around and no one around. That's difficult with me by myself struggling with a wheelchair by myself. With all these independent struggles FUCK! I CANT TUNE IN ON FB!!! I can youtube. Ok so tribe and opponents there. Maybe later I'll go to the land. ... 8:21 PM Never went to the land today because I never heard back from chief whom my ex emulates word for word which means he knew him or knew of him loooong before he was chief. The wind/breeze is speaking and I wish I knew what it meant. Waiting to pass out at 8:21pm. ... 11/5/17 Yeah so I'll reiterate what I learned when I was in California that my ex has some real problems whether it's speaking or meaning that he was scout trained in the military. The military is only going to spend that kind of money on someone enrolled full-time in the Army. Yep. ...Have had flashes of him a long time ago, when I drilled him about being true to himself in the social world he said "look I've worked hard..." Yeah I'm sure he must have and it cost his being true to himself but that doesn't totally summarize it. ... 11/7/17 1:25 PM I don't trust my mother's ability to carry out an off the shelf brace responsibility for Christine but such has been our lives anyway. I'm keenly aware of her "ok now that's all taken care of" attitude without follow up. I don't feel good today although that kicked in after the coffee and before the food. Bored. ... 11/9/17 1:26 AM Woke up for 2nd time 1:10 am and about to prepare round 2. In babble mode but no one to talk to or bounce things off of. That's what brings on sadness. Flashes of Claire citing the bible that man was not made to be alone. Yeah ok bitch. Now how about addressing brain damage and common social problems. But brainwashing has you in deep.... 3:06 AM Something that is bothering me lately are all these mistakes I'm making lately that have to do with memory recall. That's why saving a life in distress is what you do. But dobie smokers are nothing new while children given up on. There are certain people you just want to slap that are on this journey and don't get you by any means. They'll never have the understanding in life you have - kind of exactly like my ex. My ex who is a life force bloodsucker to the innocent unsuspecting ones in suburbia. His ticket to moving up in the world. He lucked out in some ways and was very controlling in other ways. His motivations have always been to not live or raise kids like his parents whose house looked like the 1950s and an eyesore of sorts to the neighborhood. He cut his family off to achieve this victimizing new lives in this world who lost out on a relationship with their paternal grandmother and family. I'm wondering if his sad ways have been exposed to reveal the dangers. I'm awake around the clock and there will still be others out there blind-sided by him. He wanted kids before he got too old. Was it worth it? I'll conclude that my agreement with ironic has never been what it is but rather "meeting the man of my dreams being another's Paradise by the dashboard light." My ex also found the skinny genetics he was wanting so badly and our lives are as hip as the dobie smokers that surround us. But actually I still wonder about his near-drowning that his oldest sister that saved him had anything to do with the weight control part of his brain; not to mention that his premonition dreams that I used to say were definitely due to his nativeness may well be due to a near death experience he may have had in relation to that. ... 12:01 PM Feeling incredible sadness. Something that contributes is all these people coming to the house. Long history on that. If only I had proper care growing up. Babble mode and no one to babble to. Stalked online regarding senior portraits. My whole life fed to drugs. Proper care never given. Too much. Too much. ... 11/12/17 So I didn't really hear what happened on Thursday with the brace but the PT seemed surprised mom didn't do anything about looking into the brace. I would have been on it immediately. ARE WE LISTENING FORMER(?) JUDGE DEANNE M. WILSON? Do you know one of Christine's best friends before our accident was also named Deanne? She also had a best friend named Maureen. I don't remember if she had been drifting apart from Kelly before but I don't think so. Anyway, I am well aware that these things can not be left go. I heard the PT say "Remember?" to mom and mom saying she was waiting for a call back from someone (whom the PT already evaluated wasn't going to be involved due to a whole month having gone by and no brace). I am very familiar with all the braces discussed (at least in relation to the knee). On Tuesday I rolled out after I woke up and you could probably hear it in my voice I just rolled out of bed. I didn't say things right but that's to be expected first thing in the morning with anyone. I think mom eventually got Claire to order the bed rail for Christine. Maybe when mom gets to it she'll also have Claire get a brace? After mom does her "thing about things" perhaps? Flashback of my ex stating to me there's no way he could survive if my mother was his mother. Absolutly no way he could put up with how she is. Yet no Kevin was available to testify to that in court and Judge Deanne M. Wilson sided with those who had lawyers being paid and Christine is left in shit. yep.... And the spirits are that alive. Actually right around the time I mentioned the bee joke-nice guy my ex is. That's spirit people. Wake up. Psychiatry is false. Biology is alive and spirit exists unless a reader did this? - doubt it. October 11th post: https://www.facebook.com/pg/AllendaleVolunteerAmbulance/posts/. Right - date someone for 7 to 10 years; have them forewarn you that if you all break up you'll never see or hear from him again; he calls you after he and his new girlfriend have their first fight WHICH WAS OVER THE SAME SHIT HE PULLED WITH YOU AT THE START OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP ABOUT BEING POLITE; and then never see or hear from him again all the while environmental transitioning due to brain damage is THAT important - you know what - it's just unbelievable - oh but wait he's calling it Karma because that's easier to understand than his part of fucking with a disabled minor who needs to get up for school the next day and doesn't have a father, brother, or other family to save her future. yep. Oh and by the way I only looked him up because I was trying to show his resemblance to a Native American tribe in getting my point across to someone I was talking to. Oh but guess who had flashes this morning of a movie about a female and male student in which the female always has a pen in her hand and everyone thinks her boyfriend has it bad for being with her and they all cheer in the end when she dies in this horror movie. Yeah welcome to my ex's "I'm right and you're wrong life." YEAH. Let's hear another one. Shaking my fucking head. ... 11/13/17 12:45 PM This is nothing new throughout the years of mom's comprehension problems. She's still waiting for the marriage of the PT and the brace place. ARE WE FOLLOWING KEYWORDS WILSON STRAUB ACCARDI-MIRDA LUONGO? anyone else? Oh and I did not share the joke with christine that PMS also stands for putting up with men's shit. A part of life robbed from her all chalked up to a no-fault settlement that voids my name in the complaint because mom brought me to kindergarten illegally just to find out I wasn't academically superior to the smartest - christine - so I was in no way ahead like my friend Raina whose IQ had her skipping grades. ... 11/14/17 12:28 AM A new case worker came here today and she got a mouthful from me. She's from the same agency as Danielle. Actually she technically came here yesterday since it's after midnight and I'm waiting to pass out. The mind that never rests. And I forgot to mention the other display of spirit surrounding my knee/dream comment and my fall. But I must rest now and hope it works. ... 11/17/17 this is to the youth in the back seat at the light near the D'n'D/Subway/711 strip mall: Dear, whatever you were trying to say to me with your lewd gesture, just remember you need to grow the goods first before you try to exchange fancies. If you didn't want to hear this coming from someone with way more experience than you, your loud playing music driver should have turned left at the green arrow when he/she was supposed to. Out of respect for your youthful and naive age I'll just say be careful what you do now that could come back to you down the road. 'nuf said by choice. ... In other news it's just the same shit different day. PT is done for Chris and she has no brace. Night before the last day she brought Chris to the pharmacy to try one on and it's way too clumsy and complicated for Chris. The next day as she is relating this to the PT mom says she needs someone else and I started making a scene. I said a lot including that if she needs someone else involved get the only other guardian Claire involved (while holding back the word "stupid") who doesn't have a clue about braces BUT I DO. As I was saying a whole lot I noticed one of mom's Bicentenial glasses she recently relented saving and using instead due to having no one to pass them down to, had such a deep crack in it, it needs to be thrown out. As I was showing this I looked over at the PT and he kicked in with his sense of humor with a look of "wasn't me!" Mom's aid was there too to hear the whole thing but she was busy helping Christine so I'm sure she didn't hear it all.... 11/18/17 10:03 AM Ok so mom must have gotten better at making sure Christine verbalizes when there are 3 instead of 1 seizure meds left. Well it happened to fall on a Friday night and now Chris may have to go a whole day and a half without it. ... 11/19/17 So this is the day Chris is going without her seizure meds so I have to wonder what will happen. Like I've mentioned here before the shit I was put on, Depakote, that I never belonged on caused me to have seizures when skipping doses. The internet said about Chris's med that if a dose is missed, just take it as soon as possible. Hope the Russian Roulette with Chris's life goes ok. ... 11/23/17 10:26 AM
5/26/17 (being left at the end of blog because it's the pinnacle of this blog). Dear #MtLaurel Attorney(s). I am in receipt of your 30 day threat to pay over $3000 to a credit card that I think was taken over by #Citibank but I can't be sure on the take-over. I have no problem paying my debts; always planned to do so, but I need a job to do so. You should direct your potential lawsuit to either the State of New York who failed my Bachelor of Science degree or The Morris County Surrogate's Court who got away with negligence in the medical care of injured minors; in that case send it Attn: "Christopher Luongo, Deputy Surrogate." His impatience with this matter was quite obvious when he practically hung up on 2 people that were calling him for me and my sister from the Independent Living Center. I have no problem with your threat - I've studied case law way too much to understand you are just doing your job as a lawyer but the phrase "you can't pull blood from a rock" applies here even though in my wildest dreams it was never supposed to apply to me. You can also go after my mother for that money who is floating around free in this country not having to face the real medical and legal realities that were upon her after the death of my father. Based upon my story you can see how she gives immigrants a bad name but - oh actually I forgot there is one other entity you can put your lawsuit to and that is the no-fault insurance who along with the Surrogate's Court and anyone else, knew we were not in the proper medical and legal care that is available in America. That's pretty much all I have to say and I hope you see this because this is all I have to say. In thirty days from now it will be just another day IF I'm still here to talk about it. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork.
Do you know a pregnant woman has to think twice about certain treatments for Athlete's Foot because it could cause birth defects to her baby? That's one hell of a side effect don't you think? The source I cite is just like many other things out there that there's no clinical studies something natural like Apple Cider Vinegar will work: http://www.sterishoe.com/foot-care-blog/athletes-foot/how-can-i-treat-athletes-foot-during-pregnancy/ (and this source is not even a medical report backing of all the needed knowledge on this). I'm a witness to Apple Cider Vinegar ridding not only Athlete's foot but balancing out the body's yeast imbalance obvious through yeast infections. I am only a witness to using apple cider vinegar internally diluted in water (with honey if needed to taste). I don't know if that ingestion is adverse to a pregnant woman or not. I am also a witness to a podiatrist (M.D.) saying they've told some of their patients that if they don't want to take Apple Cider Vinegar by drinking it, then at least rub some on or soak in it. As far as yeast infections, Monistat7 needs to stay in business so of course there is not enough studies or knowledge given to the masses. Apple Cider Vinegar does many other health things like help repair DNA and weight loss.
Bill Clinton made the 1990s "the decade of the brain." Enter evil. We are not improving our brains through drugs. http://www.naturalnews.com/049767_Big_Pharma_antidepressants_suicides.html. Speaking of that let's take an herb that is NATURAL ASPIRIN called White Willow Bark. What happens is that pharmacy starts out with the natural form of these things and adds synthetics to them to make them work faster or whatever. Our natural bodies are not made to work with synthetics so it has to find a way to cope with the foreign substance and adapt. Our bodies wind up doing more work just to keep up with pharma when there are natural remedies available instead. A body conditioned to mainstream will take longer to respond to natural and a body used to doing things naturally will respond badly to the mainstream. Anyway, there are natural remedies for high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. I am a witness to elevated liver enzymes causing depression/crying spells: http://www.livestrong.com/article/545734-depression-elevated-liver-enzymes/ but as I said this is a very big topic and I'll end this comment for now." (DONE ON 8/3/17) IN CASE THE POST DISAPPEARS
"https://plus.google.com/u/0/+JimFeig/posts/RPtjimAJ8yb?cfem=1
Feds probing psychiatric hospitals for locking in patients to boost profits
Feds probing psychiatric hospitals for locking in patients to boost profits
arstechnica.com
arstechnica.com
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TheDAZEOFTHESTONED's profile photo
TheDAZEOFTHESTONED+1
True
True
10w
senseismom's profile photo
senseismom
It's all about the money
10w
It's all about the money
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MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork's profile photo
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork+2
Great post! I'm so anti these people it's not even funny.
10w
Great post! I'm so anti these people it's not even funny.
10w
Gerald E. Smith's profile photo
Gerald E. Smith+1
Patients can't remember much after all the medications they gave them.
10w
Patients can't remember much after all the medications they gave them.
10w
QUEEN D's profile photo
QUEEN D
BOUT TIME
10w
BOUT TIME
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Nina Tryggvason's profile photo
Nina Tryggvason+1
institutional people warehousing.
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institutional people warehousing.
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JEREMIAH POSALAK's profile photo
JEREMIAH POSALAK
We've bless with the medication.🙏🙏🙏
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We've bless with the medication.🙏🙏🙏
10w
Abu Talha Touhid Islam Totul's profile photo
Abu Talha Touhid Islam Totul
H
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H
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ROOSTER's profile photo
ROOSTER+1
Been to these kinds of places, i know for a fact they try to diagnose you with more things to keep you longer and get more cash
10w
Been to these kinds of places, i know for a fact they try to diagnose you with more things to keep you longer and get more cash
10w
Lynn Ready's profile photo
Lynn Ready+2
It's about damn time that silly ass feds did something !
10w
It's about damn time that silly ass feds did something !
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Big B's profile photo
Big B+1
+TheDAZEOFTHESTONED +senseismom +MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork +Gerald E. Smith +QUEEN D +Nina Tryggvason +JEREMIAH POSALAK +Abu Talha Touhid Islam Totul +rooster +Lynn Ready you guys have no idea what you're talking about. Obviously none of you have ever had to do time in a psyc ward. In unfourentitly from jan 28 2015 till june 2016 had been in and out of them for 8 times. I never experanced this once. Most of the time they kick pataints out way to soon. The avg. Stay at most of these places is 5 days to a week. Even if you wanted to stay or need to stay longer they kick you're ass out anyway. Even if you have private insurance. The reason they give is that by law they are not there to cure you. They are only stabalization units. They say once we get you(patients stable if you're no danger to yourself or others they have to kick you. I was in some where the avg stay wasn't even a week. One I was in the avg. Stay was 3 days! I saw people getting realesed there 2 days after they got there. One guy got realesd in 1 day! I don't know why they instigated this probe, because like I said at most of these places I would be held longer then most people, so I didn't go just by the time frame they claimed, they actually did it.
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+TheDAZEOFTHESTONED +senseismom +MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork +Gerald E. Smith +QUEEN D +Nina Tryggvason +JEREMIAH POSALAK +Abu Talha Touhid Islam Totul +rooster +Lynn Ready you guys have no idea what you're talking about. Obviously none of you have ever had to do time in a psyc ward. In unfourentitly from jan 28 2015 till june 2016 had been in and out of them for 8 times. I never experanced this once. Most of the time they kick pataints out way to soon. The avg. Stay at most of these places is 5 days to a week. Even if you wanted to stay or need to stay longer they kick you're ass out anyway. Even if you have private insurance. The reason they give is that by law they are not there to cure you. They are only stabalization units. They say once we get you(patients stable if you're no danger to yourself or others they have to kick you. I was in some where the avg stay wasn't even a week. One I was in the avg. Stay was 3 days! I saw people getting realesed there 2 days after they got there. One guy got realesd in 1 day! I don't know why they instigated this probe, because like I said at most of these places I would be held longer then most people, so I didn't go just by the time frame they claimed, they actually did it.
10w
Big B's profile photo
Big B
A lot of these places are really trying to help the patients and they have n alterier motives.
10w
A lot of these places are really trying to help the patients and they have n alterier motives.
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Big B's profile photo
Big B
No I meant to say. No alterior motives.
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No I meant to say. No alterior motives.
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JEREMIAH POSALAK's profile photo
JEREMIAH POSALAK+1
Wow ok now I know what they are doing in there.thankyou for your explanations and may God continually bless you.
10w
Wow ok now I know what they are doing in there.thankyou for your explanations and may God continually bless you.
10w
ROOSTER's profile photo
ROOSTER+2
+Big B
Not every place dude, don't accuse me of never having received mental help because I have been to hartgrove and the way they operate is obvious, a supervisor even made a couple of us in the trauma ward cry because he purposely brang up rape during a sex ed talk he wasn't even supposed to be in.
They kept me for a week and that's even after I lied and said I was fine. I daydreamed for a while because I was so terribly bored and they tried pinning maladaptive day dreaming on me. I left with a gender dysphoria diagnosis and that was it, but they still tried giving me depression meds at the nurse desk. They didn't help, they made me feel horrible and now I cannot trust anyone. Your experiences are not ours, some places are really corrupt
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+Big B
Not every place dude, don't accuse me of never having received mental help because I have been to hartgrove and the way they operate is obvious, a supervisor even made a couple of us in the trauma ward cry because he purposely brang up rape during a sex ed talk he wasn't even supposed to be in.
They kept me for a week and that's even after I lied and said I was fine. I daydreamed for a while because I was so terribly bored and they tried pinning maladaptive day dreaming on me. I left with a gender dysphoria diagnosis and that was it, but they still tried giving me depression meds at the nurse desk. They didn't help, they made me feel horrible and now I cannot trust anyone. Your experiences are not ours, some places are really corrupt
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Big B's profile photo
Big B
+JEREMIAH POSALAK ty
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+JEREMIAH POSALAK ty
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Big B's profile photo
Big B
+rooster you just admitted you lied and said you were fine. So you know you still needed help but still tried to get the hell up out of there even though you were sick. You should feel blessed that they were actually try to help you. That they gave a damn. I went to a couple were the staff didn't give a damn. They just went thru the damn motions. How the hell does that help the patiant?! Owww, a whole week! Dude that's only seven fucking days. You telling me you can't hang tough for just a damn. Week?. I used to tell patients like yourself all the time, that the more you resist and don't just deal with it the longer they will keep you. Man if you just say fuck it I can deal for a few days they let you're ass go. Also, what most patiants don't know about is that every mental hospital, I mean every single one , they have this thing you can sign called a 5 day. If you sign that by law, in every state, in the entire country, they can't hold you for longer then 5 buiessness days. I signed that shit at every pshc ward I got admitted into. I would other patieants about it because most didn't know they had that right. The great thing about the five day is they could release you bbefore that. And at least half the time the places I went to realesd patients before five days. Especially if those patiants didn't bitch and complain about being there. What I will never understand thouggh is why patiants feel 5-7 days is to long. You go to groups all day anyway. Yea sometimes its boring. You can't take boring at the most for a week? Gezz.
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+rooster you just admitted you lied and said you were fine. So you know you still needed help but still tried to get the hell up out of there even though you were sick. You should feel blessed that they were actually try to help you. That they gave a damn. I went to a couple were the staff didn't give a damn. They just went thru the damn motions. How the hell does that help the patiant?! Owww, a whole week! Dude that's only seven fucking days. You telling me you can't hang tough for just a damn. Week?. I used to tell patients like yourself all the time, that the more you resist and don't just deal with it the longer they will keep you. Man if you just say fuck it I can deal for a few days they let you're ass go. Also, what most patiants don't know about is that every mental hospital, I mean every single one , they have this thing you can sign called a 5 day. If you sign that by law, in every state, in the entire country, they can't hold you for longer then 5 buiessness days. I signed that shit at every pshc ward I got admitted into. I would other patieants about it because most didn't know they had that right. The great thing about the five day is they could release you bbefore that. And at least half the time the places I went to realesd patients before five days. Especially if those patiants didn't bitch and complain about being there. What I will never understand thouggh is why patiants feel 5-7 days is to long. You go to groups all day anyway. Yea sometimes its boring. You can't take boring at the most for a week? Gezz.
10w
christy newman's profile photo
christy newman+4
My son has been in and out of mental institutions since the age of 15 and hes now 20 . Right now hes currently in delhi institution and has been there almost a year now. I live i redding ca and my problem is why was my son sent so far away. I dont have a car so its completely almost impossible to visit him. Knowing his mental state why is he being isolated my contact with me. They have phones the only way he can call me is on a pay phone and it has to be collect. He cant leave the bluiding at all. I mean he being treat as if he was a prisoner and he had committed a crime . When he took himself in to mental to get help cause he could stand the voices any longer and he was gonna step in front of a train ,cause thats what the voices were telling him to do . Why is my beautiful son being punished for wanting help. Ill never understand or trust anyone. That says there r trying to help cause so my son is still there being treat like hes a criminal and hes never been in trouble ever in his life.
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My son has been in and out of mental institutions since the age of 15 and hes now 20 . Right now hes currently in delhi institution and has been there almost a year now. I live i redding ca and my problem is why was my son sent so far away. I dont have a car so its completely almost impossible to visit him. Knowing his mental state why is he being isolated my contact with me. They have phones the only way he can call me is on a pay phone and it has to be collect. He cant leave the bluiding at all. I mean he being treat as if he was a prisoner and he had committed a crime . When he took himself in to mental to get help cause he could stand the voices any longer and he was gonna step in front of a train ,cause thats what the voices were telling him to do . Why is my beautiful son being punished for wanting help. Ill never understand or trust anyone. That says there r trying to help cause so my son is still there being treat like hes a criminal and hes never been in trouble ever in his life.
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ROOSTER's profile photo
ROOSTER+2
+Big B
I'm 15, and since the school called 911, my mom and I had no say in the process. Staying in the dayroom and being watched made me worse than I've ever been, and 7 days wasn't 7 days of help, it was 7 days of basically, interrogation, twisting my words, being bothered and a supposed instructor refused to call me a male, and as soon as they let me out I was in the worst state by far, and I told nobody because of my fear of being sent back to Hartgrove.
You may have had a lovely experience and that's great, but Hartgrove is a money grabbing, child molesting (yeah, there was a case there a while back) horrible place that did not help me. Google em, but I won't be looking for help if that's what's to be expected from every mental health facility
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+Big B
I'm 15, and since the school called 911, my mom and I had no say in the process. Staying in the dayroom and being watched made me worse than I've ever been, and 7 days wasn't 7 days of help, it was 7 days of basically, interrogation, twisting my words, being bothered and a supposed instructor refused to call me a male, and as soon as they let me out I was in the worst state by far, and I told nobody because of my fear of being sent back to Hartgrove.
You may have had a lovely experience and that's great, but Hartgrove is a money grabbing, child molesting (yeah, there was a case there a while back) horrible place that did not help me. Google em, but I won't be looking for help if that's what's to be expected from every mental health facility
10w
Nina Tryggvason's profile photo
Nina Tryggvason
yeah, because some wanker online is obviously the expert of every other person's life.
10w
yeah, because some wanker online is obviously the expert of every other person's life.
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Christopher 13 Moran's profile photo
Christopher 13 Moran
How else can you boost profits you have to boost people duh
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How else can you boost profits you have to boost people duh
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Gerald E. Smith's profile photo
Gerald E. Smith+1
+Big B I do have some experience with inpatient behavioral healthcare and how you described it was very much like the way I recall it...hard to get certain people admitted and then others released seemingly too early. A lot did boil down to what insurance was involved, the doctor's recommendation, how full the floor was etc...Maybe this hospital operated differently or had funding streams where keeping a patient meant keeping a good steady stream of compensation coming in.
10w
+Big B I do have some experience with inpatient behavioral healthcare and how you described it was very much like the way I recall it...hard to get certain people admitted and then others released seemingly too early. A lot did boil down to what insurance was involved, the doctor's recommendation, how full the floor was etc...Maybe this hospital operated differently or had funding streams where keeping a patient meant keeping a good steady stream of compensation coming in.
10w
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork's profile photo
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork+3
+Big B I don't have time to read through all this but I just need to respond to you saying that obviously none of us have spent time in a psych ward. OH YES WE / I HAVE. After waking me up to my dog barking, police allowed themselves into my home and after a walk-thru said they saw nothing wrong but because they received an emergency call I would have to go with them. This is after they found urine in my toilet and didn't ask any questions (fast forward when I got back home and they left the basement door unlocked WHICH IT IS NEVER so after the rape of my life by the psychiatric community they found their answer but never asked me while at my house as to the PLUMBING PROBLEMS). I had already been through the misdiagnosis circus and had no plans on going through this again and I'm all too familiar with the lack of patient-voice in rural upstate NY. But alas a nurse undressed me against my will forcing me into a gown and when even the emergency doctor said he didn't see anything wrong but he's not a psychiatrist so he has to send me to a second hospital for evaluation I carried through on my threat that I would leave the hospital in the gown if I had to (I only wanted to go back to sleep). As I left police attacked me and left permanent injuries to my shoulders that have left me unable to do many of the things I'd been able to do for years. [This is a small town too so many knew I spent much time on crutches around town due to my surgically needy knee.] The second hospital said they'd have to admit me based on what happened with the police but they were out of beds so they shipped me to a third hospital 120 miles away. By this time I had been drugged by not only the sedative drug they give you a shot in the butt with but when that didn't calm me down they stuck an IV in my wrist. When I got to this third hospital I lived just like at my home keeping to myself. They used that against me so I just started being social. This is when they let me go from the hospital. WHAT A CROCK OF SH*T!! The whole lot of them. They used THAT to evaluate my ability to NOT be psychiatric??? +Big B I haven't even gotten into the damaged brains we all have which are NOT taken into account because that would be the end of big pharma, and the monstrosity of psychiatry. I haven't even gotten into how the ones who REALLY want to help have their hands tied by the AMA and many others. I treat myself naturally and had NO NEED to be forced on dangerous medications like Depakote and Risperdal. Guess what??? I'm a female so I don't fall into the class action lawsuits against Risperdal that has given men breasts. I also was not pregnant so there is no evidence these drugs would have done anything bad to me. There is documented evidence that the butt-shot sedative causes brain damage but THERE IS NO "REAL JUSTICE" IN UPSTATE NY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. If you only knew what you were talking about when you say I / we have never been to a psych ward. No hard feelings. I'm just leaving my testimony here for all the world to see since I've lost all my lawsuits. I haven't even touched upon how employers are aware if you've ever been admitted to a psych ward. You say "Oh no there's so many laws of confidentiality on that one!" Think again.
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+Big B I don't have time to read through all this but I just need to respond to you saying that obviously none of us have spent time in a psych ward. OH YES WE / I HAVE. After waking me up to my dog barking, police allowed themselves into my home and after a walk-thru said they saw nothing wrong but because they received an emergency call I would have to go with them. This is after they found urine in my toilet and didn't ask any questions (fast forward when I got back home and they left the basement door unlocked WHICH IT IS NEVER so after the rape of my life by the psychiatric community they found their answer but never asked me while at my house as to the PLUMBING PROBLEMS). I had already been through the misdiagnosis circus and had no plans on going through this again and I'm all too familiar with the lack of patient-voice in rural upstate NY. But alas a nurse undressed me against my will forcing me into a gown and when even the emergency doctor said he didn't see anything wrong but he's not a psychiatrist so he has to send me to a second hospital for evaluation I carried through on my threat that I would leave the hospital in the gown if I had to (I only wanted to go back to sleep). As I left police attacked me and left permanent injuries to my shoulders that have left me unable to do many of the things I'd been able to do for years. [This is a small town too so many knew I spent much time on crutches around town due to my surgically needy knee.] The second hospital said they'd have to admit me based on what happened with the police but they were out of beds so they shipped me to a third hospital 120 miles away. By this time I had been drugged by not only the sedative drug they give you a shot in the butt with but when that didn't calm me down they stuck an IV in my wrist. When I got to this third hospital I lived just like at my home keeping to myself. They used that against me so I just started being social. This is when they let me go from the hospital. WHAT A CROCK OF SH*T!! The whole lot of them. They used THAT to evaluate my ability to NOT be psychiatric??? +Big B I haven't even gotten into the damaged brains we all have which are NOT taken into account because that would be the end of big pharma, and the monstrosity of psychiatry. I haven't even gotten into how the ones who REALLY want to help have their hands tied by the AMA and many others. I treat myself naturally and had NO NEED to be forced on dangerous medications like Depakote and Risperdal. Guess what??? I'm a female so I don't fall into the class action lawsuits against Risperdal that has given men breasts. I also was not pregnant so there is no evidence these drugs would have done anything bad to me. There is documented evidence that the butt-shot sedative causes brain damage but THERE IS NO "REAL JUSTICE" IN UPSTATE NY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. If you only knew what you were talking about when you say I / we have never been to a psych ward. No hard feelings. I'm just leaving my testimony here for all the world to see since I've lost all my lawsuits. I haven't even touched upon how employers are aware if you've ever been admitted to a psych ward. You say "Oh no there's so many laws of confidentiality on that one!" Think again.
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Big B's profile photo
Big B
+rooster +MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork I'm sorry if you both had bad experances doing impatient care, but mostly what I'm trying to address is what this article is talking about. Which is are they keeping people longer then they should just to make more money. Again my answer is for th most part I don't think so. There is lots not to like being in a psch ward. And as I stated above the both of you must not have known about the 5 day form you can ask for and sign which by law the ward has to obey and release you in five buiessness days no matter what! Rooster ask for the 5 day today and dude you will be going home in 5 days! I still say most people bring the worst that can happen to a patiant in a psch ward on themselves. If you just do what they say, even if you don't like it, you're out of there in usually less then a week. Again even if you're right and their wrong, so what! Just suck it up for a few days and get you're ass home! Gezz.
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+rooster +MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork I'm sorry if you both had bad experances doing impatient care, but mostly what I'm trying to address is what this article is talking about. Which is are they keeping people longer then they should just to make more money. Again my answer is for th most part I don't think so. There is lots not to like being in a psch ward. And as I stated above the both of you must not have known about the 5 day form you can ask for and sign which by law the ward has to obey and release you in five buiessness days no matter what! Rooster ask for the 5 day today and dude you will be going home in 5 days! I still say most people bring the worst that can happen to a patiant in a psch ward on themselves. If you just do what they say, even if you don't like it, you're out of there in usually less then a week. Again even if you're right and their wrong, so what! Just suck it up for a few days and get you're ass home! Gezz.
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MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork's profile photo
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork+1
+Big B here is my forest v.s. the trees answer: You're talking about a detail still when it is obvious the whole subject is a scam and sham. Impatient care? No - more like prisoner care. 1st constitutional violation was police entering my house. 2nd would-be constitutional violation would be not allowing me to leave the first hospital but public health law is set up that under those circumstances you are legally under their care (or something like that). As far as some 5 day form not even my lawyers told me that so you are speaking of a context of in-patient that doesn't necessarily apply to all situations.
+Big B here is my forest v.s. the trees answer: You're talking about a detail still when it is obvious the whole subject is a scam and sham. Impatient care? No - more like prisoner care. 1st constitutional violation was police entering my house. 2nd would-be constitutional violation would be not allowing me to leave the first hospital but public health law is set up that under those circumstances you are legally under their care (or something like that). As far as some 5 day form not even my lawyers told me that so you are speaking of a context of in-patient that doesn't necessarily apply to all situations.
The only time period I know of is they were required to keep me for 48 hours and let me go. Had I known I could nab their a** for longer than 48 hours I would have stayed anti-social but that would have kept me on synthetic medications I never belonged on, further damaging my body. That brings me to another constitutional violation: They checked everyone's mouth to make sure they swallowed the medication. That is ILLEGAL at least in NYS as far as I know. As far as "just do what they say" you have to consider if you are a pregnant female under my situation admitted to a psych ward against their will. Just do what they say of taking dangerous medications will give a developing fetus any type of birth defect or harm the baby even worse. What if a female doesn't know she's pregnant and isn't showing? They didn't even ask me if I was pregnant before being forced on these medications. Someday I hope you will expand your view of what "suck it up means." It means the harm to future employment. If you are under the age of 12 and forced on Ritalin you could automatically be exempt from ever being able to go into the military. So while I appreciate your simple view on how to help people who have been forced into a psych ward it is more beneficial to do away with the whole system. My two cents.
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Big B's profile photo
Big B
+MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork first of all you're just not getting it. You made a mountan out of a mole hill. If you had just cooperated most of the shit that happened to you would not have happened or would have blown over quicker then it did. The psychatric community didn't "rape" you as you say. You raped yourself by not simply obeying the authorties. The cops, and once you got their, the hospital. They asked you to undress, you refused so they undressed you. If you would have just undressed yourself they wouldn't have. I ran into many patiants like you inpschatric wards. People who are mad, out of control, and just can't go with the damn program and get it over with. Why the hell did thecops come to you're house in the first place? You never explain that. As to the 5 day. Most patiants and lawers don't know about it. If a staff member hadn't opened up to me and told me that patiants have that option I would have never known about it. I and a million other patiants after thhey find out about it have used it. You are like every other patiant I've ever met. Sick bastards that even refuse to admit they have some sort of problem and need some help. No, the first thing you do after signing you're on self in is not focus on getting the help you need, no the very next day after you sined yourself in with noboday forcing you to do that, you want to leave. You hate the place and you want out the very next day! Even if you need the fucking help! Psch wards blow. I agree with that, but sinse you're there you might as well get the help you need while you're there.
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+MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork first of all you're just not getting it. You made a mountan out of a mole hill. If you had just cooperated most of the shit that happened to you would not have happened or would have blown over quicker then it did. The psychatric community didn't "rape" you as you say. You raped yourself by not simply obeying the authorties. The cops, and once you got their, the hospital. They asked you to undress, you refused so they undressed you. If you would have just undressed yourself they wouldn't have. I ran into many patiants like you inpschatric wards. People who are mad, out of control, and just can't go with the damn program and get it over with. Why the hell did thecops come to you're house in the first place? You never explain that. As to the 5 day. Most patiants and lawers don't know about it. If a staff member hadn't opened up to me and told me that patiants have that option I would have never known about it. I and a million other patiants after thhey find out about it have used it. You are like every other patiant I've ever met. Sick bastards that even refuse to admit they have some sort of problem and need some help. No, the first thing you do after signing you're on self in is not focus on getting the help you need, no the very next day after you sined yourself in with noboday forcing you to do that, you want to leave. You hate the place and you want out the very next day! Even if you need the fucking help! Psch wards blow. I agree with that, but sinse you're there you might as well get the help you need while you're there.
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Big B
Finally I just want to say to the room, no one is forced to go into pschatric hospital. There is no collusion between cops and psyc hospitals as mary implies. People sign their damn selves in after either trying to commit suiside or overdosing on drugs. But the very next day these same patiants that signed they're ownselves in(not forced!), want out!. The hospital let's you know that if you sign your ownself in they can hold you until they think you're stable enough to leave. People sign themselves in anyway! Still, the avg stay if you cooparate is a lousy 5 to 7 days! If they release you sooner then that and then you try to kill yourself again, overdose, or godforbid harm someone else the hopital will be held criminaly and finacially liable. Shit, most people I've seen in there (including myself) need way more then a week in there. But they say sorry(by law) we are only a stabilazation unit, once we feel you won't go out and repeat immediatily what got you in there we have to let you go. We are not saying you're cured.
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Finally I just want to say to the room, no one is forced to go into pschatric hospital. There is no collusion between cops and psyc hospitals as mary implies. People sign their damn selves in after either trying to commit suiside or overdosing on drugs. But the very next day these same patiants that signed they're ownselves in(not forced!), want out!. The hospital let's you know that if you sign your ownself in they can hold you until they think you're stable enough to leave. People sign themselves in anyway! Still, the avg stay if you cooparate is a lousy 5 to 7 days! If they release you sooner then that and then you try to kill yourself again, overdose, or godforbid harm someone else the hopital will be held criminaly and finacially liable. Shit, most people I've seen in there (including myself) need way more then a week in there. But they say sorry(by law) we are only a stabilazation unit, once we feel you won't go out and repeat immediatily what got you in there we have to let you go. We are not saying you're cured.
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MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork's profile photo
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork+1
Well I won't bother tagging you + Big B since your "finally" indicates you aren't interested in continuing this conversation. I'm not here to argue but only to tell the truth. I loved this post because it listed as "trending" which is a good thing because the more people who know, the better. I'm trying to be sensitive to your age and/or experience of this - neither of which I know. Obviously you are naive to having police carry you out of your home that stemmed from a call about EMPLOYMENT and services; NOT suicide. What happened to me in Northern NY is not unique to me. If you look on my profile you will see I hail praise to a lawyer in the area with a drawback of realizing disability services are not on the side of the intelligent as he found out working in the public defender's office. That was a case involving an honors college graduate with a career in the medical services so that when she was assaulted in the ER like I was she was able to negotiate instead of be shipped off to a psychiatric hospital. She grew up in the area and had no idea of the abuses happening under her nose until she had to get involved with them. When I tried to leave the ER I had signed NOTHING. By the time I was drugged on 3 dangerous sedatives and pushing being awake for over 24 hours after being humiliated and violated, I didn't know what I was signing and had been taught very clearly that non-compliance (not signing) meant further injury.
Well I won't bother tagging you + Big B since your "finally" indicates you aren't interested in continuing this conversation. I'm not here to argue but only to tell the truth. I loved this post because it listed as "trending" which is a good thing because the more people who know, the better. I'm trying to be sensitive to your age and/or experience of this - neither of which I know. Obviously you are naive to having police carry you out of your home that stemmed from a call about EMPLOYMENT and services; NOT suicide. What happened to me in Northern NY is not unique to me. If you look on my profile you will see I hail praise to a lawyer in the area with a drawback of realizing disability services are not on the side of the intelligent as he found out working in the public defender's office. That was a case involving an honors college graduate with a career in the medical services so that when she was assaulted in the ER like I was she was able to negotiate instead of be shipped off to a psychiatric hospital. She grew up in the area and had no idea of the abuses happening under her nose until she had to get involved with them. When I tried to leave the ER I had signed NOTHING. By the time I was drugged on 3 dangerous sedatives and pushing being awake for over 24 hours after being humiliated and violated, I didn't know what I was signing and had been taught very clearly that non-compliance (not signing) meant further injury.
They didn't rape me? It's my fault because I wasn't compliant? In the end they discharged me saying "we feel this was just one big misunderstanding and we have no reason to keep you." You still feel I had reason to be compliant and wasn't raped? Now that you know I was correct all along from the time I was woken from sleep with my dog barking at the door to police? Congratulations on your compliance with police and psychiatric hospitals but the ones who broke off of Hitler's reign were NOT COMPLIANT. Again your forest and trees reveal each other. Psych wards don't help! You can't get the help you need when you're there. So I don't know why you keep saying they do.
Oh and the police had come to check on me called up from someone concerned about me just like a Gulf War veteran I know who holes himself up inside his apartment for days on end without answering the phone or the door. HE was never hauled off to an emergency room or psychiatric hospital when police came and checked up on HIM. Maybe it's also a gender thing.
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Big B
+MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork I hold nothing against you. Ijust say you made a big deal out of nothing. If you had you would have been realeased in 3-5 days.
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+MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork I hold nothing against you. Ijust say you made a big deal out of nothing. If you had you would have been realeased in 3-5 days.
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Big B's profile photo
Big B
+TheDAZEOFTHESTONED +senseismom +MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork +Gerald E. Smith +QUEEN D +JEREMIAH POSALAK +Abu Talha Touhid Islam Totul +rooster +Lynn Ready all I wanna know is why do people who hate being in there go back so many times?
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+TheDAZEOFTHESTONED +senseismom +MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork +Gerald E. Smith +QUEEN D +JEREMIAH POSALAK +Abu Talha Touhid Islam Totul +rooster +Lynn Ready all I wanna know is why do people who hate being in there go back so many times?
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ROOSTER's profile photo
ROOSTER
I've never gone back and I never will, I didn't go in willingly and trust me I won't ever ever ever try. I would rather eat worms than receive that "help" again
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I've never gone back and I never will, I didn't go in willingly and trust me I won't ever ever ever try. I would rather eat worms than receive that "help" again
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MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork's profile photo
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork
+rooster pretty much says it all for me. It sounds like you do +Big B. For all mentioned I say we need to get back to nature and be aware of the deception of all of us. If you dig to the basics psychiatry and psychology has to do with the human brain. A well functioning brain supposedly has no need for psychiatry and psychology. Brain damage can happen in the womb, during birth; from polluted air, land, and water; or any variety of sudden stops or body jolts. Synthetics don't help so stop polluting us and if we are injured there's no mystery. Your perception, judgement, and emotional response will all be off if you are injured in that area of the brain. So heal the natural brain with natural food and herbs that will heal it anyway. There's a whole more I could say but it's all very simple. Psychology and psychiatry are creations arisen out of man's need to live outside of nature such as modern technology. The discussion seems endless. We are allowed to be the creations we are as a result of the world we are forced to live in.
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+rooster pretty much says it all for me. It sounds like you do +Big B. For all mentioned I say we need to get back to nature and be aware of the deception of all of us. If you dig to the basics psychiatry and psychology has to do with the human brain. A well functioning brain supposedly has no need for psychiatry and psychology. Brain damage can happen in the womb, during birth; from polluted air, land, and water; or any variety of sudden stops or body jolts. Synthetics don't help so stop polluting us and if we are injured there's no mystery. Your perception, judgement, and emotional response will all be off if you are injured in that area of the brain. So heal the natural brain with natural food and herbs that will heal it anyway. There's a whole more I could say but it's all very simple. Psychology and psychiatry are creations arisen out of man's need to live outside of nature such as modern technology. The discussion seems endless. We are allowed to be the creations we are as a result of the world we are forced to live in.
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QUEEN D
I don't get it
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I don't get it
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MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork's profile photo
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork
+QUEEN D I suffered left hemiplegia in my injury which means the right side of the brain was injured (and obvious by what might be better termed as hemiparesis of the left side of my body meaning weakness on the left side). The right lobe of the brain handles all the things you can't see like perception, judgement, emotional response, organizing, prioritizing, etc.). Welcome to the heyday of psychiatry and psychology. The biggest thing that made my whole life make sense post-accident with a tbi counselor FINALLY was "thought provoked emotions" yet psychologists and psychiatrists are white collar criminals hiding exactly what is wrong with you. Flint Michigan was on PBS a couple days ago talking about how lead causes brain damage in the children who are especially vulnerable because lead mimics calcium and robs the body of it's calcium needs. That's only Flint Michigan. Imagine how many other examples are out there. So those children face being pulled into the psychology/psychiatry mystery because that's all that is available. I find that unacceptable and can only accept justice for all "psychology/psychiatry victims.
+QUEEN D I suffered left hemiplegia in my injury which means the right side of the brain was injured (and obvious by what might be better termed as hemiparesis of the left side of my body meaning weakness on the left side). The right lobe of the brain handles all the things you can't see like perception, judgement, emotional response, organizing, prioritizing, etc.). Welcome to the heyday of psychiatry and psychology. The biggest thing that made my whole life make sense post-accident with a tbi counselor FINALLY was "thought provoked emotions" yet psychologists and psychiatrists are white collar criminals hiding exactly what is wrong with you. Flint Michigan was on PBS a couple days ago talking about how lead causes brain damage in the children who are especially vulnerable because lead mimics calcium and robs the body of it's calcium needs. That's only Flint Michigan. Imagine how many other examples are out there. So those children face being pulled into the psychology/psychiatry mystery because that's all that is available. I find that unacceptable and can only accept justice for all "psychology/psychiatry victims.
We simply need to remove the mystery. If someone is (from sudden impact in a car) is paralyzed on thier right side it indicates the major hit happened on the left side of the head. They also may have more "global" damage like being blinded which indicates the occipital lobe in the back of the head took a hit and if their sense of taste is gone, that is sensory damage in the back of the head as well.
headway.org.ukPhoto
headway.org.uk
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Big B's profile photo
Big B
+MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork the brain is no diffrent then any other part of the body, it can break. Just like an arm or a leg. It can have dieseses, just like dieabeties, high blod pressure, cancer. If you tell people don't take you're diebtes medication ,or the blood pressure medication, or cancer medication, those people will die. Plain and simple. Those people hate the harsh side effects of those meds too, but they take them anyway because they want to live. Those meds are just as toxic as pschatric medications, but bcause people take them they add 30, 40, even fifty yrs to their lives even though those meds are not all that safe either. Just like with those ailments, if you tell people not to take their pscychatric meds they are going to die way sooner then if they had taken them. For people with severe suisidal depression and other ailments, if you decide to not take those meds you're going to end up either in jail, or in the mourge. Period.
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+MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork the brain is no diffrent then any other part of the body, it can break. Just like an arm or a leg. It can have dieseses, just like dieabeties, high blod pressure, cancer. If you tell people don't take you're diebtes medication ,or the blood pressure medication, or cancer medication, those people will die. Plain and simple. Those people hate the harsh side effects of those meds too, but they take them anyway because they want to live. Those meds are just as toxic as pschatric medications, but bcause people take them they add 30, 40, even fifty yrs to their lives even though those meds are not all that safe either. Just like with those ailments, if you tell people not to take their pscychatric meds they are going to die way sooner then if they had taken them. For people with severe suisidal depression and other ailments, if you decide to not take those meds you're going to end up either in jail, or in the mourge. Period.
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MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork's profile photo
MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork+1
+Big B I can appreciate your simplistic view on things but you brought up two very different things: 1. ailments and organs and 2. The Central Processing Unit of all the ailments and organs. I'm going to give an example you did not bring up: Athlete's Foot. Let me first say you seem to give up your power in the form of human intuition to the people making money off you but that's normal because that's the way things were set up by turning farms into grocery stores and taking people's self-thinking skills away from them through "modern" and "better care", etc. I would never suggest someone to stop taking mainstream medications without the assistance of an N.D. and an M.D. Stopping some meds (particularly psychiatric ones) can be dangerous if done cold-turkey. Insurance pays for an M.D. (Medical Doctor) but will NOT pay for an N.D. (Natural Doctor). That's how the world is set up. I guess how you take your power back is to research all of this from reliable sources.
+Big B I can appreciate your simplistic view on things but you brought up two very different things: 1. ailments and organs and 2. The Central Processing Unit of all the ailments and organs. I'm going to give an example you did not bring up: Athlete's Foot. Let me first say you seem to give up your power in the form of human intuition to the people making money off you but that's normal because that's the way things were set up by turning farms into grocery stores and taking people's self-thinking skills away from them through "modern" and "better care", etc. I would never suggest someone to stop taking mainstream medications without the assistance of an N.D. and an M.D. Stopping some meds (particularly psychiatric ones) can be dangerous if done cold-turkey. Insurance pays for an M.D. (Medical Doctor) but will NOT pay for an N.D. (Natural Doctor). That's how the world is set up. I guess how you take your power back is to research all of this from reliable sources.
Do you know a pregnant woman has to think twice about certain treatments for Athlete's Foot because it could cause birth defects to her baby? That's one hell of a side effect don't you think? The source I cite is just like many other things out there that there's no clinical studies something natural like Apple Cider Vinegar will work: http://www.sterishoe.com/foot-care-blog/athletes-foot/how-can-i-treat-athletes-foot-during-pregnancy/ (and this source is not even a medical report backing of all the needed knowledge on this). I'm a witness to Apple Cider Vinegar ridding not only Athlete's foot but balancing out the body's yeast imbalance obvious through yeast infections. I am only a witness to using apple cider vinegar internally diluted in water (with honey if needed to taste). I don't know if that ingestion is adverse to a pregnant woman or not. I am also a witness to a podiatrist (M.D.) saying they've told some of their patients that if they don't want to take Apple Cider Vinegar by drinking it, then at least rub some on or soak in it. As far as yeast infections, Monistat7 needs to stay in business so of course there is not enough studies or knowledge given to the masses. Apple Cider Vinegar does many other health things like help repair DNA and weight loss.
Bill Clinton made the 1990s "the decade of the brain." Enter evil. We are not improving our brains through drugs. http://www.naturalnews.com/049767_Big_Pharma_antidepressants_suicides.html. Speaking of that let's take an herb that is NATURAL ASPIRIN called White Willow Bark. What happens is that pharmacy starts out with the natural form of these things and adds synthetics to them to make them work faster or whatever. Our natural bodies are not made to work with synthetics so it has to find a way to cope with the foreign substance and adapt. Our bodies wind up doing more work just to keep up with pharma when there are natural remedies available instead. A body conditioned to mainstream will take longer to respond to natural and a body used to doing things naturally will respond badly to the mainstream. Anyway, there are natural remedies for high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. I am a witness to elevated liver enzymes causing depression/crying spells: http://www.livestrong.com/article/545734-depression-elevated-liver-enzymes/ but as I said this is a very big topic and I'll end this comment for now.
8w
... 6/19/17 I was sexually violated recently. It was subtle. It took a day to hit me. Violation with no protection. No proof. I worry about Christine getting quite a few cop-a-feel s. It seems she's been taught by the outside of appropriate boundaries. That does not mean she's tuned into subtle things. No worries. Alcohol and death in my future is all I can see.... 6/23/17 The above was done by a black male within a certain social construct. I don't know what he used to swipe from the clitoris back but remember I talk about all the wannabees or emulations of my ex. My ex has done the emulations of a NYC man, a black man, he's not a wannabe with native because he is part but as I watch videos of some local natives, he walks the walk and talks the talk. I remember him saying he went to a powwow even though local is not his tribe. I was at an age when my life had changed by seeing "Dances With Wolves" but I wasn't even thinking about supporting him - in hindsight I was being kept in a relationship I didn't want to be in. No father to escort Romeo away from the house when I needed to get up the next morning for school and would manipulate me to have me be what he wanted. I somewhat did the same to him. If he insisted on being in my life then he had to be like my dad. No beards, mustaches, or tattoos just to name a few. When I see young couples fight these days in the same way we did I am so happily single. Anyway my ex has done the black man emulation to be humorous by pretending to make a mistake. That's what happened when this guy "bumped into me" and then apologized as did I for being in the way. It was a total setup. I've known my ex to do the same but not in a sexual context. Working in a factory my ex took on many emulations including the Spanish talkers whether they be Mexican or of some other latin/hispanic nature. Remember the dream I had of my occupiers and I mentioned the NYC man who is the real deal compared to my ex emulation syndrome. So anyway I was way down on this roller coaster of life with flashbacks. One of them was another missed warning I don't think I mentioned to Debbie - my Spanish professor in college who let me know he said something to her one morning that completely threw her off that made her wonder "WHAT is she doing with him?? She is a NICE girl." Just more shit to dwell on of this failed life. My ex is a confusingly nice guy. He's the funny guy everyone wants to be around; he's very good with children like I remember when he was working retail after college a little kid was crying over being stung by a bee(?) and my ex took his mind off it by telling the kid "I was once stung by a bee and my body blew up really big... huge ... and never went back down." The kid and his family had a good laugh by the joke my ex told. My ex knew how to make kids and people laugh and be liked. He just wasn't for me. I flashbacked to - now I'm forgetting - distracted by needing to reconnect but many things - oh I remember when he manipulated me into not pursuing acting saying that I would be pulled into pornos against my will and I need to make sure I'm comfortable with my convictions since I was very "christian." Ok and another thing I flashbacked to was the story of the two high school girls that I thought were closer in age than 15 and 18 but as soon as the 18 year old turned 18 she was arrested for not letting go of the relationship. It's somewhere in my blog. Regardless of how the 15 year old feels, the 18 year old will fall further in love by being bored of the real world just like my ex. I was a minor and deserved protection from someone living out in the real world. That's not Karma what I turned into. Not all natives believe in Karma. That's manipulation of a minor (developmentally disabled no less!). Another flashback happening today was to Aunt Teresa clueless about the negligence in protecting my disabled life in America. For her to say "you get along you know. Your mam comes from a hard life. Very hard." Fucking clueless of the protection I needed. If me getting along ok is seen as ok then someone needed to be here to tame this loose cannon for not giving me any confidence in that state of existence. Flashback to the latest job possibility that doesn't feel like it's enough because I'm far into a hot mess. It's subject matter I'm not trained in and would probably be a low paying job. I'm very thankful about it but can it realistically save me? I've worked enough jobs I was overqualified for and looked like one big idiot when they didn't work out. I've had a flashback to a recent glimpse through my fog of peace with death. It was a Potsdam freakshow flashback where you can't remember if it was a dream or something you saw on TV or in real life. There was a lot of pink and I am thankful for what feels like a spiritual peace for my death. If I can't be saved I need to go. Much more roller coaster thoughts today if I get back to this.... oh yes and the flashback about my ex's paranoia (which was much more of a control issue) about simply kissing another person. It explains why he married the first girl that would actually date him. With all this shit in my past I passed up what could have been a good relationship. He was 15 years older (past this youngin stage) with a Barry White voice that every time will reel me in like a fish captured hook, line, and sinker; a killer sex life but I'm not all about that. There's LOTS of things to do besides classical sex. The sex could have had a better element to it but that comes with time. Me and my ex had already reached that stage but my ex just wasn't into it. Wasn't into trying something to improve his disposition. Anyway my ex fucking paranoid about catching something from a kiss let alone other physical contact - most likely an issue within him that is (loss for words). oh yes and flashback not just a flashback but a real feeling of raw rage that if I just let it flow naturally would not be good. It was regarding what was allowed to happen to our lives by Judge Deanne M. Wilson that replaced Judge Catherine Langlois. But I've had a lot of alcohol these past days and not sleeping as usual. Part of the problem is noises in the house. Mom spits out shit about me getting a job yet she won't get a hearing aid and she thinks I'm going to hold down a job with how loud she keeps the TV??? Yeah ok. Don't forget about her emotional outbursts that wake me up as well. ... 6/26/17 Speaking of emotional outbursts it happened this morning again. I got here late as a result. Her response was that I woke her up at 4am. A refusal to connect the dots of who is in charge of a handicapped child in America. If only I could always realize her "Well you're going to have to move out because I'm moving" is just to get a reaction out of me. This morning after waking late, finishing my coffee, and getting ready for the shower she wouldn't answer questions I needed to plan how the day was going to go or something like that so I say "I only need planning. Not harassment!" Gee isn't that a pinnacle. When the cleaning lady was there I let her know I was supposed to be out of the house long ago. And then said to mom "that's why when injured children tell you they can't sleep you take them seriously!" - paraphrase. There's more but I'm so busy today I don't know if I'll be able to get it all down. Oh and today is the 30 days. I notice there's been an increase in viewing of this blog. ... for the record: https://www.facebook.com/OverLookedChildren/ this page is still viewable but there is no record of my regular account "Occupied Newbie" and I can't log in. Does Amanda Ames tell her daddy that? ... oh yes - forgot thought already - ... still not here. ... oh yeah ok so mom recently had to have a blister checked / taken care of in the back of her ankle. One day I noticed 3 odd looking oval "skin shapes" on the front of my ankle. Odd but I had no explanation. Then I notice a white bump there suddenly and when I pulled at it it was a blister. I simply poured some apple cider vinegar on it. Not a clue but it tells me it has something to do with mom's unhealthy hardwood floors. Maybe we are plagued by the manmade Shingles virus? Gotten (I believe) from chemtrails. Bring me closer to death? I'll take it while I'm just hanging around and this loud volume of silence surrounds our lives. Can't figure out if it would be the Irish mob or the Italian mob as possibilities. ... So all the other stuff will have to come out long term memory some other time. Not enough time for what's happened recently but I do need to transfer in from mobile. ... 6/28/17 And I just had another medical professional indicate to me there is no reason that I could not help Christine. This medical professional said another way this could happen outside of a guardianship but mom has to be willing to sign. Mom doesn't understand what she's unwilling to sign. Before this mom said in a fight that people are saying I have something really wrong mentally. I asked her if that means the brain. No answer. I didn't even bother asking her if she told these same people that she specifically kept us away from that taking on what my father has always said that "shrinks shrink your head." She knows she lies as she gets backed into corners. I heard her speaking to Pat guide yesterday as she always used to mention me in a tone of voice that was proud and nice. Don't even bother. I still need to transfer in things. ... oh yeah and isn't it ironic the place I've been working at for months without a problem on the computer now has administration that has taken away the privilege I've been enjoying for months uninterrupted. Have to go out of my way now every 2 weeks to renew usage. Have anything to do with the timed computers? Some people are just so screwed up that being vindictive is their only get-off in life. ... oh yeah and I said to this medical professional exactly what I said to mom that Pat Guide is helping her brother and I'm trying to help my sister but guess who's in the way? Only thing mom said today about me being in Christine's care is "We'll see." Check this blog to see how many times she's said that in the past 3 or 4 years. I'm telling you these old fashioned irish immigrants are a complete menace to the medical lives of children in America and I THINK I mentioned today that mom is taking the position of her immigrant sister that "Christine is only saying that" about getting better. I did tell Christine that this is the person she needs to let know she wants to get better. That medical professional said it's up to the people at her shop to help carry through on Christine's wishes. HOLY SHIT BATMAN! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET CHRISTINE TO VERBALIZE TO ALL THIS TIME. It followed knowledge that when I spoke to 2 of Christine's former counselors at her shop, they were all for Christine going to a get better plan. Today was another productive day in proving how right I am. We just need to get back to court and stop the shortchanging of our lives victimized by immigrants running loose in this country staying here without REAL HELP they need. ... well the rest and more waiting has to go to long term memory because I'm almost through here for the night and it's hard to contain myself at the abuse that just snow-balled surrounded by deafening silence. I really miss putting a lot here lately thanks to Giuliani's Mighty Mouse move of internet security. We now know hacking is not a matter of if but a matter of when. ... 7/3/17 I was really peeved being woken up yesterday morning by mom's flares. Mom couldn't get her medical sock on and her flares were getting Christine upset so Christine asked if she could help. Mom said "No I need someone..." and mom faltered on the word someone. DAMN RIGHT YOU NEED SOMEONE. WE'RE JUST HERE LISTENING TO THIS MISERY UNECESSARILY BECAUSE NO ONE IS SAVING US. NICE JOB JUDGE WILSON. So mom wound up with a much worse situation and is being kept in the hospital. Calls me up and tells me she's going to need stuff. I tell her I don't know what to tell her because I'm not going out for the day and ask if she's called Claire. She says she's left a message but Claire is not too good because of her condition and I say "too bad! She didn't grow up with aches and pains like we did. Suck it up and get with the program." Mom ignores my comment and just keeps talking. Today mom calls me up and I am at an apex of impatience that she's just saying the same so I give her a piece of my mind and hang up. I then realize Claire is not having the heavy burden I am so I call claire's phone and get her voice mail. I don't know if the voicemail went through because as I hang up I start to hear the beginning of the automated voice. Couple minutes later Claire calls back and she says "Hello?" and I say "Ok I guess you didn't get my message. The time has come that you and mom did not prepare for...me and Christine have lived in this house with various aches and pains for years and we have had to suck it up...yet another professional has said they see no reason why I am not involved in Christine's medical care...I don't give a fuck what's wrong with your feet...get your ass in gear and go take care of your mother." And I hang up. On the voicemail I include "I'm glad the witch got you bitch." And all of this is just a nothing for Claire in her brainwashed state that comes back to me as being the problem. Not brain injury of any of us. Just Me. ... notes 6/22/17 everything went wrong yesterday and not going better now. 6:15 in the morn and this abuse we were left with. Finally took the tv remote on mom from turning up the volume and calls me an alcoholic. Slaaap! ... notes 6/24/17 It's noon and I'm making my first meal for the day;. Mom asks what I'm making and I stopped it before it started by saying "an omelette for myself." In a while she complains about what she has to do in getting Chris lunch and I say to go back to the surrogate's court and tell them the problems she has and now needs me included for help. Mom makes her noises of disgust. ... notes 7/3/17 I got off the phone with mom real quick when I heard Claire said she's not dealing with my yelling message (which was on speaker phone) and called her starting in a very sweet voice. She hung up. I called back leaving several messages - some on speakerphone - with Chris answering questions like getting better at Kessler and tv shows I put on for her. This situation is exactly like the morse code responders who turned off and went to bed for the night missing all of Titanic's cries for help. ... 7/4/17 drug addict's youngest grandson is on his way for his grandmother. I left several more msgs during round 2. Hosp calls 1:50pm saying someone needs to drive mom's car so I give Claire's #. ten minutes later calls back but I don't answer the phone. Mom calls and says grandson gone home [nothing new about that impersonalness] but needs me to answer (so they know she can come home). She threatens to call the police on me and I say ok bye. I already explained a criminal v.s. civil matter to her. How very ironic mom threatened to call the police on them if she didn't let her leave the hospital. How fucking poignant. ....7/6/17 So I'm trying to remember what day it was of the absolute cluelessness of Claire. Calls up mom and says "you're home?" and mom says "Yes. Thanks." Oh ok it was on 7/4 because (I forget). Anyway, yesterday her harassment of my status as a child made me go ballistic on her and she does her newly found "Call the police!" I ask her why didn't she say that when her various friends were still around but now she's having a hayday saying that because she's involved with Christine's handicapped groups. After the incident I could hear the aid say the spanish word "crazy" into the phone relaying the incident in Spanish and I don't know if she was talking to a supervisor or her family. If she only knew how that word alone said by a medically incompetent immigrant in this country escalated the abuse over the years and brought it to this point. If she only understood. The other day she said "yes" when I asked if Christine signed for a certified letter but it turns out not. It's the deaf leading the blind. This is why fate should have just let be and a child should not have been resuscitated. Only compounded by Claire's hypocritical denial. I said on a message for Claire to go research left hemiplegia. The hell this is all coming down on me. ... 7/14/17 so today a medical professional came o the house and asked mom questions and mom lied (out of embarrassment I guess because when she cut me off form saying "you have to give all information ... "she said "I already told that to the nurse!" before she told him to ignore me - that I'm her daughter). The medical professional's sense of humor was a god-send in feeding into that what I say doesn't matter. The same thing happened when I had to tell him about the medical shoe that mom isn't wearing right because it has to be tied with her heel all the way back. My rat-packing abilities would have come in handy for the belt from an unused robe that mom either threw out or misplaced with Claire when Claire was helping clean out the house. I was sure to keep mail from 2002 they were going to throw out from the NJ Brain Injury Association. So she can lie and say she never knew right? I've been getting more letters from attorneys that remain unopened. There's nothing to talk about. But that's what happens when you're involved with a pipeline fight - also could be that now my student loans are in default they are getting into EVERYTHING. I have removed myself from the stress of trying to help the aid with translation. She can deal with mom only and I won't necessarily be seen as the crazy one. It's too much stress for me to even try to translate that for understanding let alone she has no idea mom's the reason Claire went to jail long ago. ... 7/17/17 oh yeah I should tell what happened with the elevator incident in the past couple days. I brought home shopping in all my pain (particularly back pain) and I'll guess it was my fat ass that bumped into the cheap no-fault insurance elevator inner door that made it come off the track. Mom calls the elevator guys that usually come that I told her were full of shit because he kept changing his story every time I spoke with him and she's told the contract is Monday through Friday 9-5 and no one is available at 4pm on a Friday. She goes on that it's emergency; that they need the elevator. He hangs up on mom. Mom looks at me and talks to me as if I'm going to help and I tell her I'm no buddy of hers when it comes to the elevator LIAR (long story short). So mom calls Claire after looking in the phone book to have Claire look up elevator places on the computer and Claire has to call her back because Claire is in the middle of something There's back and forth with Claire giving what she can and mom doing what she can with the numbers she has. As soon as I hear mom say she needs someone to come in an emergency for the elevator, that there is 2 handicapped people in the house I lose it and start yelling in the background. As mom hangs up she says she doesn't want to get all into that. THERE'S NOTHING TO GET INTO. JUST TELL THE TRUTH THERE'S 3 HANDICAPPED PEOPLE. So I may have lost it before that when she says she's got to spend the weekend calling the police to help her and Christine get up and down the stairs. I walk her through her lies over the past 3 or 4 years. She found someone to come to the house Friday night and for cheaper too. I said she needs to get her contract money from the first guy and all she says is "Well I hope I get it back." SLAP! That's the legal and medical rights we were left in. After losing it and she was on the phone with Claire Friday night I'm yelling in the background to look up left hemiplegia. Claire hangs up mom can't get back in touch with her and I assume she hangs up the phone until I see a large gray car stop in front of our driveway. In hindsight I'm guessing it was Christopher she had drive by. Claire's looking for proof that I'm senior abusing; oh and she happens to be looking for this in the same house she told me to go back to in the midst of me being evicted from a nursing home in which she refused to take me in. Riiiggghht that's the drugs Claire is on. This weekend I got to chat with a Princeton graduate who verified the Rothschild family is not the only no-good family involved in Princeton's existence. I also didn't hold back from my native friends the brainwashed cluelessness (or European-comfort-centered) biblical advantage Claire is involved in. That they didn't accept the one true god knowledge Europeans brought to them so Europe's brutal murder of them was given and / or allowed by God to happen because they didn't have the true god's protection. If only Claire didn't protect herself with such denial. Then maybe she wouldn't be guilty of such recklessness. She is "not dealing" with reality.... 7/23/17 loooong dream. It was the dairy queen classmate again. She was some type of medical professional(?) in a facility I have no idea in waking life why I would be there. One way, in order for patients to feel better is to molest them sexually. I'm laughing as I type this. How many people admit these dreams? Anyway just like in the Congo there are certain apes who do this https://www.livescience.com/42008-why-bonobos-are-peaceful.html like the love-fest hippie chimps whose mother will perform oral sex on her son to calm him down. So I think the sexual gratification started as I stopped talking and lolled in misery. She and other "nurses" were making plans with patients such as going to different activities. In the dream I was disinterested in doing anything. That's when the slow (frustrating?) sexual gratification started occurring (while she was making activity plans with this other patient roommate of mine. The molestation was over clothes and in a wide circle. In the dream I even made a connection of that to the ones in the Congo. When I heard her on the phone with her father I started to cry because it indicated she got over her big problems she used to have with her father. She got on the phone with her father just as I was going to ask if her parents are still alive. lololol if she ever knew about this dream. She may know now. lololol. I just woke up and haven't been able to write down the whole dream. Hope I remember later. ... So it's later in the day and I had to look up the info about the Congo Chimps. I remember learning about their hippie love-fest on Nat Geo recently in contrast to the Chimps who will be abusive to their female mate just like humans are apt to do. And so I have much to write about but I also have much to get done on this slow connection today. I've been getting sick a lot lately and it all started with I found out 2 four lokos would put me to sleep for a rare full 7 hour sleep. That didn't last for long and I tried to get back to the old Vodka drink after 1. I started chalking up my vomit-more-than-usual to the heat combined with the ice drinks I was getting every day. I used to sit out for hours in a place where I used to save money by having ice water there. Turns out when the water is warm it tastes like cleaning fluid. That must be a factor in all the ice drinks I've been having. Could also be the drizzle in the drinks too. Will write more as I remember. There was something significant with mom I'm not remembering right now. ... 7/24/17 so what I remembered when I got home was the recent dawning of me and Christine being likened to Jayce Duggard or Elizabeth Smart (or maybe more like the girls held captive in Ohio who finally got to a neighbor for freedom) in the guilt or fear of a child. My mother sure convinced me not to get social services involved because I would be taken out of the home. That actually was the conclusion she made based on what happened with Claire. And there were some other things I was going to write about but I'm not really focused on that right now even though it's important. Like I'm having a fleeting memory that I was going to comment that in the above I never reported what happened with Christine reporting to her shop she wants to get better because I took it up with one of the latest medical professionals that indicated there's no reason I shouldn't be involved in Christine's care. I was exhausted by hearing the response of yet another one saying they can only do so much. They're right. I don't hold anything against them. I've been through enough of this since I had too huge of a weight dumped on my at 18 years of age by a medically incompetent immigrant in the US of A. Christine told her counselor at shop she wants to try the get better plan and her (current) counselor said mom has to speak to her - that Christine cannot speak for herself. No worries. I'll be drinking myself to sleep soon. ... oh yes and the day mom's occupational therapist came I was fit to be tied with how much everything was bothering me so I started drinking mega early making myself a meal at the same time. As my heavy buzz was taking over I put mom on the spot to tell me what left-hemiplegia is and all she did was shake her head no and I pointed out that's the care we were left in. It all started with mom NOT doing with the OT that the PT made her do of count out loud so she doesn't lose track so I reminded mom to do what the PT told her and I started counting out loud and she did her mother-child thing of telling me to go away and I said to the OT "see. That's what ruins a life." - paraphrase. I really don't remember what I said but the point was made. Eventually Christine came into the conversation because mom thought Christine was here last time the OT was. So I clarified and told the OT about Christine's seizure history. The OT was able to inform me why they rolled me around on a big ball in OT at the children's hospital. I was surprised to hear one of the conditions was core strengthening because that is a real problem for me (as my big belly obviously points out). Was I supposed to keep up on core strengthening throughout the years??? I can only imagine what the OT was thinking hearing mom so disconnected from knowledge of what left and right hemiplegia is when we were left in her care. Last night I saw on "One Day At A Time" the joke about the woman in the dental office that wasn't talking because her teeth were wired together. How ironic. For good or for bad? Making fun of me? The OT also said the ball is for balance and one other thing I'm not remembering right now. ... (notes from 7/28/17) dying. Got enough sleep for 9am but started reading old blog entries and hit the drink. Smacked into a MACK truck to be left with this full-of-shit immigrant. Even the OT has girls in gymnastics [memory flash to starting to do cartwheels as we all hung out in Claire's room with her red rug before the accident. Then memory flash to after the accident being on the monkey bars at a childhood friend's home on multiple occasions ready to try hanging upside down like all the other kids could do but too scared to let go of the bars with my hands to do so]. She seems more talkative with mom with me out of the room. She probably doesn't know how to handle my rage vibe...now hear mom talk about Claire is in Sussex county and not Morris county and ready to drink more because it was overlooked in the guardianship. I have a bottle of Vodka to last me the day. Don't think. Just drink today. That's life while jobless and pointless and listening to shit from this foreign incompetence. Thank god the OT is talking the reality of a fucking hearing aid! Happy to hear OT ask who's driving her and Chris tonight. My child safety illusions start going wild that the OT will take care of that too. ... fast forward to today 8/3/17 and there is an update of that situation: yesterday I was home when the OT came and had to go outside to the kitchen to get my charger or plug in my phone or something like that. I had felt inadequate the last day I saw her but she said "hey" not overtly friendly which may just be her way or may just be her in light of the fact she works 4 jobs, is divorced, and is part-time raising her 2 girls. (At least she has that part of her life figured out [the boyfriend] as I despair over NOT having that part of my own life figured out). As I was doing my thing in the kitchen I hear her ask mom if she knows anyone who uses the internet. Mom lies and says "not really." The OT speaks onward saying that something can be gotten on Amazon, etc. and I finally interject for her to involve Claire. The OT asks in surprise there's another one and I go at it by telling her that "Yes that's the scene I made the first day you met me. Christine's oldest sister was made sole guardian of Christine even though she is not involved in our lives or knows anything about Christine's medical life..." That not only does Christine have an older/other sister but one of our sister's died in the accident. Mom starts in with her "pffft" in putting me off and I tell her (don't remember what order it happened in) that "Claire has gotten things from Amazon for her when she was buying mom joint supplements...the Amazon truck pulled up outside this house when they delivered here." Mom lies and says Claire brought it to her and that it wasn't delivered to the house. I say "Maybe once she brought it here but I never saw an Amazon truck in my life until it pulled up outside of this house." So the OT is telling mom how easy it is to have this delivered and somewhere in the conversation of my run-down about my first bad impression I tell her I have a blog and she can read all about it online. I tell her there is a picture on my gofundme account of the 4 of us before the accident. The OT asked where it happened and mom indicated it was nearby. I had started out by telling the OT that I won't find out what happened until I'm dead and can ask my father how we became children of No-fault; that the driver was sued for speeding and over the weight limit but got off. The OT indicated the many rules that come along with no-fault (CORRECTION: THE OT INDICATED THERE'S MANY TIMES PROBLEMS WITH TRUCKS BEING OVER THE WEIGHT LIMIT) and as mom was "pffft" 'ing I asked the OT to please inform mom of all because she won't listen to me. When I handed the OT the information I said "and it's good we had this conversation today because I'll probably be gone tomorrow." The OT indicated today would be mom's last day. That means there will be no hearing aid for mom or the driving situation taken care of. WE'RE FUCKED AGAIN. Anyway, I been throwing up more than usual as I said and yesterday I could have slipped into peace. Before the OT or the aid were there and before mom got back from the store I threw up after brushing my teeth most likely from too much Vodka. So I threw up some of the coffee I had drank but didn't feel hungry until all of a sudden I couldn't wait to cook eggs. My body needed something right there and then. I knew that if I went to lay down from how I was feeling I would blissfully sleep. I had been waiting for left over steak to heat up but had to have some while it was still cold and didn't feel it helping. I took some sips of coconut water and finally turned off the toaster ready to eat whatever shape it was in. After doing so I was back to normal. I looked up diabetic coma (if that would apply to me?) and found out it happens when the body is past normal dehydration. It said diabetic coma can be fatal and not IS fatal. I need an IS. I do not need to be resuscitated or rehabilitated back into life. This medically incompetent immigrant has done enough medical damage as far as lifetime everyday disability of brain damage. Only fed into by Claire and only topped off by an evil idiot newly on the Morris County Surrogate Court Bench replacing Judge Catherine Langlois. ... Oh and I made a scene after the OT left yesterday (and this highlights again life growing up). When I came back from the liquor store Mom asks me about something that happened and I point out how she goes on in life not taking care of poignant points like just happened with the OT there. She says she is only asking me a question and I go at it. Eventually I remind her again she is doing exactly what she did with Claire blaming Claire for the accident and then turning around and talking like it's any other day as if she has no emotional affect whatsoever with what she does. This time the aid stayed in the kitchen cooking as I went at it loudly and mom just stays in her all-talk-no-action threats that crashed my life out in the world. When the aid brings mom her dinner mom says thank you and she's sorry for this. I completely yelled over the aid's response to mom as it would probably indicate the aid's unknowing as to how deep this situation really is. I ask mom if she ever told Claire she's sorry for blaming her for the accident. No reply but she had said earlier the ridiculousness of me dwelling on something that happened in 1974. She then corrected herself that it happened in 1978 and I corrected her that it was happening even in 1980. I realize I made the mistake that it happened even right up until Claire was court-ordered out of the house in 1985. Today I realize I should have said "did you ever say you were sorry for not admitting you couldn't care for me (or Christine)?" When the aid was sitting (and before I went to bed) I asked about her phone since I'm keenly aware of the McDonalds of Computer care in these phone stores. It's in the same place Claire works and I told her where Claire works and we agreed it's no longer tax season (so Claire isn't working right now). The aid probably made a mental note of that so as to get a clearer picture of this life-rape we suffer. ... If you go back to my February and March entries I changed the "Let's start here:" to a current working link for mom's intrusive dilemma of hopelessness rather than getting help for the kids she has to raise in spite of the dilemma to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOKDliZRq4g&list=PLD3f8bPzPpZafJ8EtMI2DeRrclp2iEKMS&index=1. In other words, the grief counseling I told the aid about on day 1 after the aid witnessed mom losing it over the laundry machine. that mom never got so we are stuck with her loose cannon ways. ... feeling very alone but feelings like that increase with increased stress. Increased stress because of the internet changes and no job. will give my talents away while unemployed but need to get to work to stay busy. Oh yeah Trump talking about outlawing cast iron pipes. How about fucking giving me my life back with or without that kind of a law passed. Fucking police sent my life into an unneeded psychiatric whirlwind all because of old falling apart cast iron piping that they found out when they came back to my house but never returned to the hospital to say "Oops big mistake." As they were rushing me out the door told me to lie to the emergency room that I was "just joking" but couldn't fucking return to say they made a mistake and no fucking justice for it. So fucking far down on the fucking coaster. stress stress stress. Nothing but stress. The stress started today with the attitude at the deli I got that I never plan on going back to. 75 cents more without it being written down. Not in this country buddy. Go back home. If you pull into a gas station and it's a certain price they have to sell you gas at the price the customer is seeing. Go back to your country so we can have an equal filling out of jobs in our own country. The day just went down hill from there. I need to be connected to people. I need a life not with this lunatic we were left with after our father died when our whole lives were medically changed. Fuck everyone right now. I just want to go home and drink. I don't feel very productive. Like I wrote to the OT "Help us if you can please!!! S.O.S." ... SEE 6/19/17 FOR INSERTED ENTIRE CONVERSATION WHERE POLICE UNCONSTITUTIONALLY ENTERING MY HOME ALL THE WAY UP TO NOT RETURNING TO THE HOSPITAL TO REPORT THEIR MISTAKE OVER MY BAD PLUMBING THAT ONLY FUCKED MY LIFE. NO JUSTICE. NO PEACE. Too much fucking stress to keep going tonight. Ending 2.5 hours earlier than I have to. Boredom brings on stress. And whatever is wrong with my left leg, if it takes me out sooner good. I'm not like this when engaged in life. We need justice please. We need a home computer but the price paid is privacy but mom already knows about that doesn't she? Having her walking around in her underwear inappropriately. What the fuck??? Too much fucking stress. Boredom is stress as well as my recent talk of emotional bruises. Not at all emotional bruises. Her husband is from Rochester. The Potsdam put-on she did with me gave me the permanent impression she's up to no good.... 8/4/17 I didn't write down the dream after I woke from round 2 so will remember what I can: I walked into my grammar school converted to a rooming house and sitting at a table giving people directions(?), near the door where the auditorium outside door is, was Ann B. Davis I recognized as being my brownie leader but I held back from saying hello because I couldn't be sure it was my brownie leader. Very soon I realized it wasn't my brownie leader but the maid from The Brady Bunch so it's a good thing I didn't say anything. (Ironically, enter the universe, I just went outside to verify with mom the full name of my brownie leader and mom is amused. At the store on Wednesday when mom had to wait for the rain to end she sat down with 2 other ladies also waiting and there was my brownie leader. My mom asked how she is and her reply was "don't ask. I'm still alive." There was an absence of the old friendly haven't-seen-you-in-a-long-time aura. That makes me wonder if my old brownie leader knows of my blog and mom's show deserves a bow in the lives of medically needy children. The last time I saw my brownie leader it was at the same store that was in a different location under a different name after getting my associate's degree and it was the haven't-seen-you-in-a-long-time aura. I'm pretty sure I was done with the first 2 years. I remember we conversed about whether upstate NY should be considered new england or not. I dont remember if she was pro or con to the idea. Anyway back to the dream...) Upon arrival to what is now a rooming house I was approached by a white suburban woman and asked something about the keys of my car. She was surprised but tolerant I asked why suspiciously. Many a people's security defenses are down in suburbia because crime is not common in the suburbs. I was then approached by 2 white teen suburban girls and told to be careful regarding crime I would encounter by telling me to watch my stuff. I think that was repeated a couple times. As I see what I assume to be city people who are people of color I am approached with attitudes or speaking that intimidate me and I understand the warnings I received. I could feel the dilemma the town I grew up in is changed very much. This was a dream that went from start to finish before waking. I forget what the goal was in the dream but after the goal was achieved the dream ended and I woke up. I was shown around on the different floors and it was obvious it was a rooming house because each room was a different persons' living quarters. I was taken to be shown the rooms after I went up the stairs from Ann Davis and was shown the kitchen and is where they cook for all the people living there. The rooms were on the other side of the building from the cafeteria which would have been where the kindergarten, 1st grade classroom, and 5th grade classroom was/is(?). It was 8w
hardwood floors through out and as i came up the stairs to the second floor the sun shown on one part of the hardwood floor giving the impression they're shiny floors. ... Another part of Wednesday's scene after the OT left is when Christine's welfare came up and I asked Christine if she remembered to tell Nancy that she wants to get better but mom is not taking her. Christine frustratingly said "no" and I asked her if I remind her the night before and she said ok. Well I didn't remind her Thursday night or this morning so it never happened. I forget when but I asked her exactly what she would say and she said about getting better at (the wrong) hospital name. It's the same as what happened about a former NJ Governor's name and Christine guessed Bill Clinton. I immediately said to Christine "no Kessler." ... I also forgot to mention during the blowout it's no new news mom says "me and Christine were here just fine" and I say "oh no you weren't. I seen the changes in Christine on a shorter fuse having to put up with you...it happened when I bought my house..." I also let mom know we don't need this childishness caring for our lives. That mom needs a rattle and a bib for how she acts and should I go get them for her. ... 8/5/17 I also had apologized on the paper I gave to mom's OT that I'm sorry I made a bad impression the first day but I'm enraged as to what our lives were left to. I saw a male version of me on TV. He returned home from the hospital after being hit by a drunk driver and it had something to do with lacrosse. His parents are American which is a plus but are they in denial? Is he in public school opposed to Catholic School? Will he grow up to be a MaryJaneWayne? It sounds like he was not kept in the hospital as long as me and it didn't seem like it was because he was ready to go home. That has to do with insurance. The brain injured nurse I no longer talk to explained that history to me. It seemed like he still had weakness in the right side of his mouth but that's insurance to fuck our lives. ... oh yeah and last nights dreams were about The Brady Bunch. lol. Not sure where that comes from but first thing that comes to mind is before Claire's friend Dorothy died in a car accident, as the passenger that hit a telephone pole, Claire choked her and she had a dream about the Flintstones. The only reason she had a dream about the Flintstones is because I was in the rec room watching the Flintstones when Dorothy came over and I think Claire was in her room choking someone else so Dorothy hung out with me for a few. I went in to watch Dorothy being choked and she woke up laughing she dreamt about the Flintstones. No laughing matter all the history behind Claire and NOT behind me but the Morris County Surrogate's Court had it's way. That brings me to the memory of my blowout with mom regarding the thing on TV of someone who committed suicide after being cyber-bullied (not the recent one in Rockaway) and we went at it about mom's history of bullying and mom's history of apathy regarding me being bullied (over medical conditions no less!). Damn right waiting to see if we wind up with another MaryJaneWayne but I don't know their circumstance. Don't know how many siblings they have. Don't know if there's been other deaths, etc. ... oh yeah and most importantly (have to rewrite this because this new windows is all screwed up) I don't know if he's been sexually manipulated(?) by a fellow patient and it will take him ten or eleven years to say anything about it like happened to me and nothing is done about it like me. ... 8/7/17 frustrating day. It's really devastating I don't have contact with my father's side of the family. They would have a different perspective outside of mom this and mom that. They grew up in and were educated in America. This is not going to end like this. Not in a million years so death awaits. Not in a million years is this child medical abuse/neglect going to be in vain. Sent an email to the educated and experienced nephew and to Claire. More dead air? I completely explained to my international cousin how we had 2 years statute of limitations after finding out what was wrong with me from a brain injury counselor. I said to mom repeatedly to call a lawyer; that we were only children and there's got to be something that can be done. Ten or fifteen years later I receive a letter from the Surrogate's Court only about Christine. And anyone would wonder I would think anything other than "Eat shit and die you Irish bitch. It's only my whole life. It's only the whole quality of my life to come." Lawyers could have been started by taking my first advice of calling a lawyer for Ray Higgins who free-loaded off mom while me and Christine were there to hear the stress hit the roof of her screaming in the phone at him and getting no place because she didn't call a lawyer - a complete no-brainer that an able bodied, white, single male with no kids wasn't paying his rent and never did in the end. I was able to point out how much me and my cousin were on the same educated page in some respects - they just need to be educated on American law and the American system for injured children. Not in a million years. ... 8/8/17 Oh we're definitely on the same page. She has me watching documentaries (only 2 of 3 which I can find) and it's what I've been doing since my father died from cancer. Ironically the book that had the most impact on me at that age was bought in London. I just hope by now she understands I'm doing this on purpose. There's nothing left without some kind of lifetime tragedy coming full circle. All is done. Her lack of knowledge of my own injury I was able to zero in on that she at least understands from her profession how a cracked tooth becomes infected and infection can travel to the brain. ... well actually I have that question answered. She talks about litigation in her video. She has an idea. ... 8/13/17 Not dealing well with reality today. Got enough sleep for the day and drinking myself back to sleep at 9:30am. This is round 3 and four loko # 4. Was lucid dreaming(?) about mom finally going to jail. That reminds me, the other day had many dreams but the one I remember is my ex talking to me without any sexual context and at a certain point I surprisingly ask "you're divorced?" And he says yes as if I missed him saying that already. He said his wife wound up living in a mental institution (sometime surrounding the divorce) (and I totally got that one. Kevin has a way of total persuasion leaving out certain info like the time we drove to West Virginia about potential college for me. We were watching Die Hard I(?) and I jabbed back at kevin he just didn't have Bruce Willis' arms. Kevin took such offense he said he was sleeping on the couch - only years later with Mhana did I understand that's a California thing where his father grew up and what occurred at kevin's house many times. Kevin went through every motion to make sure I don't find other men attractive and be as saintly as him. About 2 years later, after Kevin had my innocence, he reveals his girly magazines to me and I lost it at him. We never had to have a precious serenity time if he owned a lie while controlling me. But that's what I get for giving 2nd chances to the planet of the apes while rebelling the scrutiny of my family having no father or brother or sister around to save me). If his wife wound up in a mental hospital I totally understood how he wooed her while he buried the open wound he had from me. I said this to him in the dream w/o referring to it as an open wound. The dream ended with Kevin's face sweating profusely all over. So today I don't have to shower until 3pm. Just be depressed til I get there. I think my dream was the result of me talking to the tribe earlier that night because kevin's emulations are very evident. One of the guys reminds me of who I may have met before years ago but I can't be sure it was so long ago. ... Waiting with baited breath to see if my cousin can intervene but planning to die as scheduled under deafening silence surrounding children's lives stopped in a heartbeat in 1978. My cousin has access to A LOT to intervene. Home now to my four loko.... 8/15/17 And the toilet flush sound of the United States of America just got louder. It dawned on me yesterday that the original nurse of the aid lost her job for bilingual Spanish speakers. I was all set to reach out to her but it never happened. Damn right I keep all contact information of anyone that comes to the house re: mom/christine and that's something mom asked for based on her lies and half truths. One day when the aid was late mom only had a number for the original nurse and the nurse said she's no longer with the agency because they gave her hours away. Even though she wasn't with them any more she did what she could to assist. This nurse has a best friend that is from Ireland. So I'm guessing she wasn't fired (so she can't collect unemployment). They just gave her hours away to assist Spanish speaking workers. The supervisor of the aid was bilingual but was suddenly no longer there as well AND one day when the aid showed up early I was upset because I need the house to myself when I get ready in the morning or I at least need warning to bring all my stuff to the back half of the house to get ready. That day I called the new bilingual supervisor and it turns out that outgoing calls to patient's houses have been taken away from the supervisors and sent to someone else to make those calls. We never received a call that the aid had to come early!! At the end of the phone call this new supervisor started pretending with me she couldn't understand my English! I think I made more notes on this but I'm going to have to get back to it some other time. FLUSH FLUSH FLUSH. ... 8/17/17 oh yes and the last date entry I was also going to say that I wonder if the first supervisor wasn't there anymore due to a disagreement of sending calls out (which failed us ultimately) - but as I think of this more there seems to be something more fishy going on. ... Today it felt good to tell my neighbor who is friends with a teacher who knew all of us before and after the accident a lot of what is going on. Last time I saw her I did some too but didn't have time because I was on my way out. I have no idea if she reads this blog and this time she seemed to be a bit on the we-do-the-best-we-can defense and I hold back as I could say "but mom specifically kept us out of the medical loop." I got to tell her about the recreational activities that only I got for Christine and that she was in watching I Dream of Jeanie and was upset when CHPS went off the air for the summer. I mentioned Eric Estrada is a good looking guy but didn't get into how the police are beneficial for Christine but I've been injured by police. Have to continue this some other time.... 8/20/17 long dream. Hope I can remember most of it. It took place in Syracuse (again). Most intense part I remember was after a lot of activity crying that even the saving of me was inappropriate because me being out in the world was inappropriate and I belong in the quietness of my mother's house. This dream took place in the city of Syracuse that I was living and someone was showing me the life I needed and had to work toward and would save me. I was taken to various
places to live for this better life and I was driving and had to deal with parking lots (the parking lots were an inconvenience as part of the dream). In one living situation it was loud and in another it was quiet. The loud house was coed and the quiet one was not. The loud one was more like a room or apartment with loud music and crazieness above and the quiet was more like a little house all your own but attached to other houses. At the quiet one (as my introducer was walking me around) there was a woman who said to my introducer "this program has really changed this life around... look at me now... this sisterhood works..." or words to that affect. I recognized her right away as a cleaned up version of one of the undesirables of Syracuse that gave a distinct impression of having no future and no family or connections. Her skinny legs stood out in tight pants standing at the top of stairs (as she was leaving for the day?) and she had long blond hair that was cleaned up as if braided or put together in some other fashion. As I was looking around these good living spaces I was presented with two cats in an apartment and they immediately playfully jumped on and slid down my legs from the knee to the ankles as I was holding them. As I was enjoying these cats I knew I would have to say I couldn't have any because of problems I've had in the past of cat hair(?) causing an eventual problem for me. (In waking life I'm not sure if it's the hair that's the problem but I know sleeping around cats has given me problems in the past where if felt like a ball of hair was floating around inside me and would work itself out by me getting sick. But not the cat in the apartment I lived in when I broke my toe - so it's a sometimes deal). I was shown that some people have cats and some have dogs and I knew I would need a dog. They were all small dogs. I think this was near the end of the dream where I started crying because I pictured myself in the quiet of my mother's house and being out in the world trying to live this life was confusing because it was a way to make it but I shouldn't be there. That's all I can remember of the dream. ... This is it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiLqSk6fPnk I've been menstruating heavily for the past 5 or 6 days which is unheard of. In the 35 year history of my periods I am: never on time; heavy for 2 days and then tapering; cramps only happen when seasons changed (and although I was a somewhat early bloomer I was a Johnny come lately for cramps). I have never ever kept on heavily for the 5 or 6 days day and night that I am now. One possibility is the reality of the Solar Eclipse. The wisdom of the woman knows her tie-in with the earth. For example the Spanish word for menstrual period can be said as "luna de..." indicating "moon" (cycle). Either way, bleed away I shall go. This self-destruct finality has been occurring far longer than the friends I've made and the important things I've done regarding pipelines and environment so all still stands to save me from the perspective of the appropriate life of an injured child. Even when I say that word friends I have a problem with that as I haven't felt like I had "friends" since my freshman and sophomore year of high school. I've had many acquaintances and friends that never came to be. I know of my importance with the movement but I assume there's always the other side I can work from. The Surrogate's Court shoulda woulda coulda. This could turn out to just be an unalarming thing like the lump in my breast I received about 10 years ago that I was not going to get checked out and I told the social worker in government housing I wasn't. Her acceptance of euthanasia scared me more than my acceptance of it. I assume she deals with these things on a daily basis and the choice to die is nothing new for her. It was for me. I don't think I can explain that totally. It's like Christine who has spent a lifetime "trying to get better" that when going for modern advances was presented to her she doesn't understand or was unprepared for it being a reality. Anyway I did get the lump checked out eventually and it was benign with the explanation of "sugar." How ironic it was gone not too long after I got it checked out but was there for some time before I got it checked. I totally don't like mammograms and I totally see why Suzanne Somers went natural in treating breast cancer. The PAIN!! omg (and I was just a mammogram). So this time I'm not going to a doctor. As far as the breast lump, the only thing I can tie a sugar change into is the alcoholic beverage of choice at the time. I totally can't remember the name of it right now but it was tasty like a wine cooler but had way more alcohol than a wine cooler. This is it? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiLqSk6fPnk ... ... 8/22/17 so mom's famous way of grabbing at straws for medical care is shining through. Christine's new wheelchair is up and running probably because my fat ass broke the one I was using which comes with a weight capacity and is not for everyday use. The nurse who was at the house checked Christine's spine a few months ago and saw scoliosis. This chair has a soft seat with water inside for comfort(?). Is that appropriate for scoliosis? Mom got the prescription for the chair from Christine's regular GP who probably doesn't do the total specialized care of a person like Christine. Also the chair can't fit through the door Christine would have to go out everyday so mom would have no choice but to use Christine's downstairs door (and it's not even known if it would fit through that door without being folded up). As I said from the beginning mom's not thinking and no one is monitoring this situation that mom said she would get this chair so Chris could keep her regular bus and she would push Chris to the bus. Oh and mom ride the wheelchair back to the house? I don't think she has the strength for the cumbersome things she'd have to do. She "remodeled" that room so that the carpet ends before the door and there is an arc of tile-like floor created by the door. There is also an outside screen door to consider as well that opens out to the walkway. ... 8/26/17 WTF?!?! My ex in my dreams again yesterday. We were talking like the last one and he was very surprised when I said Jagged Little Pill is still my daily dose of psychotherapy and I felt that knee jerk disgust that he never knew me or got me. I started reminding him by saying the words to "You Oughtta Know." In waking life, flashback to times he would say things to me as if I come from the cookie cutter rich-brat-bitch life while he's from the other side of the tracks. TOTALLY never got me. What a waste. I'll probably never mention the dreams that involve the tribe. They've been through and are going through enough and that harassment involves those associated with them - like I'm much more concerned about the federal anti-stalking laws very strict about taking pictures of license plates and drivers of those cars than I am about struggling taking a wheelchair in and out of my trunk instead of walking across the stalker's bridge. I could also use a lawn chair instead when I know the land is bone dry sitting every amount of feet I need to. I'll get there eventually. My non-lawyer mind sees the breaking of federal stalking laws; let them also break federal ADA laws by making a new rule regarding my mobility needs (yeah right. as if I have enough money to prosecute or defend those claims). Those tribe dreams just have a lot of activity to them and are usually ceremonial on the land and the last one had a prominence of circles, the color red, and the color blue was less prominent.... ... 8/28/17 well well well. What do we have here? http://www.northjersey.com/story/news/morris/butler/2017/07/12/butlers-first-female-police-office-retires-after-25-years/456182001/. Ace Ventura left me with scars while she went on to become promoted and live out her career. Gee and I thought someone must have nailed her ass to the wall for what she did to me. If so, it's definitely not mentioned here. (Actually on 8/29/17 I realized my would-be-love-of-my-life did the same of retiring and had his convenient wife's connections to get him another (inappropriate) job.). More nurturing? Yeah how nurturing was she as she was telling me to give her reasons NOT to take me to a hospital after the State of New York had the Potsdam Police call her and in the new millennium I'm showing her how I still walk past a door everyday with magazine and newspaper clippings of Charlie's Angels and the 1970s movie Grease all because the loose cannon immigrant left to care for us is not being forced into grief counseling? Yet because of her, her children are being forced into psychiatry and other inappropriate things for their injured lives? Ace Ventura who received a call from my one and only relaying the message from the State of NY that I am to be psychiatrically treated when all I was trying to do was secure job services for when I returned to NY. Oh let me guess. After Claire is court ordered out of the home no one tries to save the children's lives left behind because mom lost a child. No one wants to get involved right? All because mom lost a child ALL suffering by her surviving children is justified? And Ace Ventura is able to talk about community support. How about community support for a child who is released from a hospital to all this chaos and is placed in inappropriate schooling having nothing but scars for life over the recklessness to address brain damage ramifications for the "new" child? (In other Butler news the children did something outreaching their care to a potential future MaryJaneWayne through a softball game fundraiser (I think) but I have to wonder what the Wayne community is doing. Are they giving up on the child because the child is acting too strange for their (rich, etc) ways of life? Is the child/community prepared for the changed personality? In other words will this potential future MaryJayneWayne have his future destroyed by the local community and everyday people in his life who don't see anything obvious wrong and basically passed him off as an undesirable always having him pay a personal price for what someone else did to his life?). Is she retiring because I am now (at least locally) outspoken about antipsychiatry? Nah. Doubt it. Is she waiting to sue me for defamation of character? Well that's a lost cause because I have nothing left to sue. As Sheldon Cooper would say "that's the very definition of a frivolous lawsuit." (8/31/17 - I received something from the Morris Civil Division and I laughed and told mom what they are coming after her for. Perhaps it's no laughing matter but when I opened it, it looked just like the old snail mail spam and I can't remember right now what that word is that describes it. Good luck with your fishing trip in a street puddle - I have nothing left to sue me for and Catholic School as well as many others failed me). In her new career in administrative science will she sue me for defamation? She might have a case if I had anything left to sue. Lost my house; lost my credit; lost my career; lost my chance at having kids; lost my chance at a 401K; and the list goes on. Butler has a distinct flavor of juvenile losership. Just kids being kids? I've been around the country enough to see the differences or maybe being away from here for so long I see it objectively. Maybe it's something in the rubber mill water of Butler. I''m still baffled how the neighboring town was able to hook into Butler's water when there is case law from 100 years ago in which they didn't win. Perhaps too much dobie smoking to check the law books instead of Google Scholar. Oh and my ex's influence in the evaluation of me only adds fuel to the fire because his parents aren't immigrants and NYC'ers? I was so crazy in grammar school post-injury that I must be REALLY crazy with Butler man Kevin Mont...(oh I mean Planet of the Apes) evaluating me who was guilty of stalking and suppressing me as a minor while I had no protection for my future? Gee let's see what information can be hung out about Ace Ventura. I've already talked about how drug charges against her brother can't be found probably because she knew what to do as a cop. I've already talked about how pre-accident her and one other student were known for being the slowest in class. So she knows what it's like to be harassed. Lost her case? That's why she couldn't see the harassment going on in my life? She will never live this down as I simply wait to die. Her response (which sounds like she lost her case) is typical of Butler's idea of justice. Don't all those males have wives, sisters, daughters and other female family members that it doesn't matter if she was new to them? They are guilty of harassment. Claire is the same as Colleen Kober Pascale in that passive acceptance. Colleen has that same Butler aura about her as Claire. Maybe all my guesses are just the negativity that was left in charge of my life that Claire was court-ordered out of but I was left in so I always think the world is against me when it's not. ... 9/5/17 7 surveillance cameras. aimed at different heights. Anti-stalking laws very strict on pictures of license plates and drivers of those vehicles based on dmv records. 1st town council meeting looking straight at me. Prove it. Children behind me so it doesn't look obvious. Anyone else pick up on that? Why look at me when the whole reason speaking is to honor a teacher sitting on the other side of the aisle. Complete with a Potsdam bow ribbon. Why on earth would they talk about aphasia? Why would that be at a town council meeting? Pieces of pieces. For now. Oh and the calls coming into my phone for voice recognition purposes. Pieces of pieces. For now. Stalking. Restraining order was denied. Pieces for now. ... 9/6/17 so surprise! mom actually made an appointment for a hearing aid tryout after she spoke the other night to someone she knows who is not in the handicapped groups and I think is related to her. I think she has done this because certain people have pulled away from her - I don't know if it would be helping her or just interacting with her. No aid came yesterday so Chris went to work today with greasy hair and last showered when the aid was here. I doubt we're going to get the same one back but you never know. Feeling harassed and annoyed with the private community with 7 different cameras. 7 people with 7 different cameras? Just to think the owners of at least 2 of those cameras tried to get a restraining order against the tribe. It's the tribe who needs a restraining order against the camera owners. But when you're confined to the same people who run the law what can you do? Been there done that in Potsdam (and other places). ... oh yeah and mom's words of revelation about finally getting a hearing aid were "I have to think about things" which is not the only time I've heard of this. Completely inappropriate in taking care of medical lives. She thought for 17 years what to do about Christine's brain damaging, untreated seizures? Disconnect. ... 9/7/17 study.com ... 9/9/17 So this morning I simply took prescription ibuprofen and sucked it up. Flashes of Claire recently acting like she belonged in a convalensent center just because she had shoulder pain. SUCK IT UP! Oh and she recently would only meet with mom with TJ driving her because she didn't want to take any chances. GROW SOME BALLS CLAIRE! Like I've said she hasn't grown up in this house with various aches and pains and had to suck it up and move on. We are her freak family. Mark my words. All ok'd and justified by an evil bitch wilson. I also know of these pains she's having that she's tying it to something spiritual. She just has blinders on that she needs to reason beyond The Way International who has denied her the underlying medical realities of her and her family. So yesterday I had to rest my sore ankle on the same leg that wiped out because of Stalker's Bridge and other harassment in which landowners are not allowed proper lighting. I watched Kelly. I watched Rachel Ray. And for some reason I just wanted to go lie down after 1/2 of The View. At a certain point I thought it very odd that a helicopter sounded unusual in the sense that the sound didn't creep up long enough until it got over the house and then it was loud and then it didn't have the same length of creeping away noise. Later when I turn on David Muir he says they will report on a country singer who died in a helicopter crash. Instead of wait to find out I google it and HOLY FUCK THAT FEELING WHEN IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE A PART OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT. Just like years ago when a Mrs. Spina "had to be washed out of a car" because the red light she was sitting at on the bottom of a hill was directly in front of a tractor trailor who couldn't break in time. Looking at the time that accident happened I had just gone through that light when it was green on my way to meet my ex for lunch at his factory job and as soon as that light turned red tragedy struck. After I got home my ex called all worried and I said yeah as I was coming home I saw all these cops (and fire trucks?) in the other direction lane but I didn't know what happened. Immediately an Amy Grant song before she went mainstream starts going off in my head about angels watching over me. I don't want those angels anymore. Hasn't anyone ever heard of a mercy killing? But as one of my college mates in campus christian fellowship told me once as she stayed over my house with another fellower, "out of all the prayers God hears he REALLY hears those of children" and when we had our accident there was a whole grammar school of children praying for us. Translate that into whatever "God" is, and it rings true that children are uncorrupted just yet so that they are more prone to seeing apparitions more readily than adults. Their minds won't lie or conform to what's supposed to be. ... Oh and how ironic the crash happened 15 minutes away from where the below lawyers are after me and an hour away from Ms. Potsdam put-on ... keeping track of that tattoo on the right ankle and there was something else and I think the other thing that stood out is the ankle bracelet. We have nothing to say to each other outside of she has some explaining to do. ... 9/13/17 So today I wasn't even going to get out of bed. But by the time I had to use the bathroom and looked at the time I thought I might as well put all this destruction out to the world. Maybe I died in a previous life with no one knowing my circumstance and I died in complete silence. Not this life. The day started off on the wrong foot hearing the ladies on The View talk about mental health. Perhaps they were just reading their lines but I will not back down from the lie that doesn't get right to the point of brain damage. When I came back to the TV and turned it back on within the hour there was Hillary Clinton. Aha! I am not in the dark about real motivations. ... ending early today. Part of the reason is I'm improperly parked and going to find out if I have a ticket. Bored. Restless. But have a situation to go to tomorrow. Yeah psychiatry would have a heyday over how I'm feeling. Justice over parents who never took me back to a hospital with the diagnosis of BRAIN DAMAGE. Justice over a lifetime of humiliation. Justice over so much. No worries. Four Loko to the rescue. Waiting for my heart to give out one of these days. Jesus fucking christ the surrogate's court was available to save my life the whole time but because of sweet sounding (or otherwise) immigrants in this country I'll be damned to not go out with a bang beforehand. Left with an immigrant's side of the family who doesn't know what to do from across the ocean. No one cares all their information is being stalked until something happens and they finally get it. Cheers! ...9/14/17 Today mom's aid got an earful. Last night we got into it how mom declared over and over from my objection that Christine's medicaid is not just for her shop. Turns out I was right as mom said that through Danielle she "just changed it." I was so distraught I threw up all the food and alcohol I ingested when I went to bed but still heavily buzzed that I slept for the next 5 hours. Had to do Vodka and orange juice for round two. With the TV on before shower I learn mom has an aid coming at 12 and a nurse at 1. The latest I have to leave is 12:30. So for 2 hours mom knows I don't want to miss The View and after shower she finally interrupts complaining about my stuff that needs to be picked up. That's when I lose it and miss a lot of The View. And we get into it about the Medicaid. The aid shows up and says she's only there for an hour. Eventually I get the hint and I say to mom "What she's saying is she needs you to go to the shower now because she's only here for some time. This is when mom, annoyed, says "I know..." indicating for me to shut the fuck up. That's when me and mom have it out in front of the aid. Mom asks the aid if her mother would ever put up with her talking to her like that (yeah nice town of bedrock mom needs to go back to). The aid says her mother would slap her. I say yeah well if she's handicapped that all is different. So the aid was all informed all of a sudden. The aid surprisingly asks I went to college and immediately it's a matter of how I must defend myself with that one. The aid also asks that I can drive a car again a disbelief factor that I have anything wrong with me. So we completely go at it in front of the aid bringing her up to date which doesn't come out right fitting 40 years into 15 minutes. The aid asked me how old I was before I left and I told her and said I was comatosed for a month at six years of age and certain things didn't develop correctly since. I think but can't be sure I got through ... that things did not develop normally from that age of injury. There's a whole lot more that happened that I just can't get out at the moment. I was sure to point out that - can't remember. ... 9/18/17 Before the aid had asked me my age I guess my mother had said about laundry and the aid very loudly said about "her daughter" doing laundry and I chimed in that I don't do my own laundry and I'm not doing a damn thing until this surrogate's court situation is fixed and then mom will get help. I think it was yesterday morning I smelled the laundry detergent use in the laundry room so mom wound up doing laundry this weekend. She may have done another load this morning before the cleaning lady showed. Something started me in on mom again this morning about planning for her children's future. Need to remember that one... There was something else said by her aid that will come back to me but I'm not sure I reported the absolute hysteria behind mom recently stating she either never called claire's group a cult or she couldn't remember calling it a cult. Fucking stupidity. ... 9/19/17 Never remembered what else with the aid yesterday. Today I was out of the house before mom's aid showed up. I was fucking freaking out thinking banking and insurance is going to be the end of me which is fine because it's no surprise but they need the noose made and in place to throw it on and pull to hang me. I'd be better off I really would. I can't manage this life anymore. But then after using a public bathroom I got in my car and saw rain drops on the window which means things are usually going my way due to some fucking freakshow I don't really know about out of Potsdam NY. Will my car insurance be dropped if I simply don't answer about house insurance? I assume they know. Anyway, I'm just left with PTSD rather than being told what the hell the freak show is all about. Speaking of Potsdam, Aunt Flo arrived exactly on time giving me flashbacks to opposing counsel who is from NJ trying to pinpoint that Depakote put my periods on time. As if I have no case of the assault that took place on my person. As if they didn't need to know my period history before being on Depakote. (I actually missed my period that month on Depakote). This flashback is actually probably giving me an understanding about Ms. Potsdam put-on. He's from south Jersey just as she is. No idea if there's a tie-in. It's a free country for travel and there's more than me who knows about Potsdam. The other opposing lawyer reminded me nothing short of Howdy Doody but he was much more concise than the NJ one. There's only been a few days this cycle that I have not bled.... oh yes I'm not sure if the aid didn't notice or didn't ask that I was using a child's wheelchair - Christine's from long ago specially made for one hand use. I kind of look like a grownup on a tricycle. Well it drives home the point we definitely have not had updated medical care through the years. Lately it's been easier to sit in. Is it because I am stretching the capacity? I don't know. ... 9/22/17 Don't have much time on this slow connection right now. Was going to sit out for about 7 hours today but I got too much going on tomorrow that, with my body in so much pain, I just need to rest today. I am in so much pain all due to me being left with a guardian who wasn't capable of providing medical guardianship. I met mom's nurse the other day and didn't have much time because I was on my way out. When she came upstairs I let her know I'm the youngest she hasn't met yet. I asked the nurse if she knows mom lost her knee cap in our accident long ago as the nurse needs a complete history. I also mentioned brain injury to the nurse and asked mom how long she was unconscious for. Mom was extremely unhappy with me and kept telling me to go away and not dwell on things from 30 years ago. I was so hurt/taken aback that I didn't get to utter the words that brain injury is a lifetime disability. Anyway mom wouldn't initially answer how long she was unconscious. (Flashback to when we went to a counseling session with a neuro-psychologist in 1997 referred by the insurance case-worker in which mom said "I was awake" and I stormed out because no one is questioning the lack of diagnosis we were left in). This time mom ultimately said she doesn't know how long she was unconscious and I couldn't go into it any further because I had to leave. It was obvious though that the nurse was never told about it because she asked mom what happened. As mom did her dismissal of me I said to the nurse "see!" There's much more to write about but I'm feeling lazy(?) Overwhelmed(?) today in anticipation of tomorrow. I'm in soooo much pain and I'll be in unfamiliar territory and there isn't a set plan for tomorrow. I hate wingin it like that but just may have to. I heard mom's aid say she has 3 different jobs - the other 2 having nothing to do with medical life. It gave me a better feeling as to why she was aloof to my needs when me and mom battled it out her first time here. It turns out the aid never showed up the other day when I left. She's from the same town mom said she had to go to over court with us long ago. Change of venue for reasons I don't know because it's not the county we live in nor is it the county we had the accident in but it is the county Michael J. Mella is in. It's also mentioned in a Billy Joel song. Feeling blah today. I have alfalfa tea for pain but I'm not interested in life-saving herbs and stuff like that. I just want to die in peace. No stress over newly-created yearly reviews. Just die in peace. When I got here there were a lot of black crows making noise. Potsdam freak-show'ers know what that means. Wish I did. ... 9/24/17 seee! Mom must be a really good liar: https://plus.google.com/u/0/+GerryOginski10/posts/dMAACh1UZxB?cfem=1 :-(. Actually when mom lied a long time ago it was the opposite situation. And lives when down the drain all because of it. No worries. Four Loko to the rescue in a couple of hours. No sympathy from me to this woman but I guess that is obvious. ... notes from 9/28/17: Christine fell going into her room this morning around 9:30am. I made sure mom let me get to her first. Christine was scooting herself over to her bed on her carpet describing to me what she was doing as "crawling on my back" and being right there I said "I see that" and Christine laughs. I think I tried to pull her up with no success and then I realized to scoot her mattress over so she could scoot herself onto the lower box spring and then go from there. After she was sitting upright on the box spring she was gleeful (or maybe it was after she was totally up on the mattress) but as soon as I had her standing I had to get back up from resting my back and bring her mattress back into place. Christine was all laughy and happy as I rolled out of her room. Within 5 minutes Christine was back in the mood of yelling and complaining as getting her dressed is harder for both of them (flashbacks to the fat-phobic inappropriate psychologist giving the aura of "MaryJane has failed her self" and now suffers a disease as she stated I have mood swings (now). She's known me since I was 14. Couldn't see it all along? I actually was scared of her at that age. 7 years later I met up with her again because I completely forgot or didn't know one piece of information that reveals she's not all that). I also had flashbacks of that snapping back knee of Christine's. When mom's aid came today she asked about me doing the shopping (because I dropped off the shopping at the end of the stairs last day she was there) and mom didn't elaborate. If she did it was in silence because mom knows "the house has ears." Today the aid inquired about my whereabouts and Christine said "in her room" and the aid concluded I was sleeping." Not sure why that was the conclusion. Perhaps the old stereotype of "up all night and sleeps all day?" Something with mom happened the day before but it'll have to come back to me. ... 9/30/17 The Mt. Laurel attorneys mail will remain unopened. The stalker's bridge(?) now has the phone company after me at my mother's house. Actually it's what helped me get out of bed today and be here. STRESS. Today I took prescription ibuprofen for the pain of my fall due to stalker's bridge. When I fell it was stinging but I forced myself to walk to my car. Then it was ice 15 on and 15 off for the next 2(?) days. Then it was just still taking it easy. I'm not sure why the pain would still be here. I remembered back to the elbow specialist who gave me a new ACL telling me I always needed to wear my brace because if I walk on uneven ground it would be problematic. (The ACL surgery was unsuccessful but her surgery on me did give me permenant numbness in parts of my leg. She said to me my meniscus was so bad she just took it out.Another medical professional said that makes no sense). Then I remembered it was my chiropractor that pointed out how he was in disagreement with the brace. I was actually very happy to hear that and not wear the brace. That pain in the ass brace had me ALL day having to go out of my way to readjust it time and again. It was in proper place the same (if not less) amount in the day as it was slipped down my leg. There were times that going to the bathroom to adjust it was just not worth it. Fucking brace. I was so happy to be freed from it. I was actually doing ok on uneven ground. It's just the harassment about proper lighting that did me in. I'm having a feeling I might be more of a hinder than a help but that's perception I can't depend on because mom raised me to be a deer in the headlights even if I was innocent. Like a cop at an accident scene depends on what they are told by both parties so I always lost out wondering "What did I do wrong?" Instead of defensive driving I was a hazard to myself. That's only accident scenes. Maybe the people in my life who have legal stuff going on should push me away because I'd be more of a hinder than a help in the long run. I've been told I do more work than others but I have to wonder if that would help their cause being that my situation is such a hot mess. By all means I'll leave and revert back to how I was before getting involved. Just let me know - I don't want to hurt their case. I'm dying as scheduled anyway.... oh yes and the baseball player blowing kisses to his supporters as returning from injury has the cycles going off in my head about the potential future MaryJaneWayne. Is the kid being made fun of by classmates now because of that "weirdness" being left with life-damaging scars? Is that a lifetime income ticket to some psychologist or psychiatrist for MaryJaneWayne to go to for services over that damage? Flashback to TJ(?) being pulled out of T-ball because Claire felt it would be better than having other kids making fun of him because he wasn't hitting the ball. What an airheaded piece of shit. What a disconnected piece of shit from all that I've been through and all she can say is "Mom did her best." ... Ok so instead of "an ambulance chaser" this could have worked to: http://www.modernhealthcare.com/article/20170905/NEWS/170909961. Anything but the suffering of "my sins" I'm stuck in.... Actually Claire had a lot of bleeding and passed out after or during the birth of either TJ or Christopher - can't remember which. That would be a more untended condition of Claire who simply says she's doing ok under the circumstances: https://www.abclawcenters.com/practice-areas/prenatal-birth-injuriesmaternal-medical-conditionsbleeding-during-pregnancy-delivery/. Remember the birthing center for the first child was different for Claire than the second one.... and this is why Christopher refused to allow the government operate on his hernia operation (and therefore was discharged from the military): https://www.militarytimes.com/pay-benefits/military-benefits/health-care/2016/07/10/tragedy-and-injustice-the-heartbreaking-truth-about-military-medical-malpractice/ ... oh yes and that's what happened with mom the other day. I still have to remember how we got into it but I remember stating to her point blank "that's why if Christine goes to a group home she will never see me again. This was never the plan in our lives and you went and did something giving no preparation whatsoever." I was actually surprised at how much mom gave up the fight after this which means something is sinking in? I let her know that for the rest of her life Christine will get visits from the happy visitor Claire and that's it. Claire who is not involved in Christine's medical life.... DEFINITELY WHAT I'M ALL ABOUT SINCE ZEROING IN ON MY PROBLEMS SENIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL. I NEED THIS RESOURCE:
https://w ww.abclawcenters.com /blog/2017/07/24/26- free-online-learning -resources-to-keep-y our-child-exploring- this-summer/ Actually it's not just here that I'm stuck in time. At a recent event, Chief pointed out the interesting game they brought in to simulate a bull ride. At one point I pointed out how I'm still a kid wanting to be on the ride that is a gymnastics belt and gives kids the freedom to flip kind of like this: http://www.gymsupply.com/samfullyadjustablespottingsystem.aspx. Reality of how unrealistic for me it was sunk in when Chief suggested going over to it - and he would actually go too. I figured they probably only have kids sizes (of belts). I think the actual pain of walking over to the ride was how reality settled into my mind of how unrealistic it was in reality but it was totally realistic in my thinking. I surprised myself by having that sounding board.... flashback to an Angelina Jolie movie in which she had one of those gymnastics set up in her house - exactly what I wanted. Instead of walking down the stairs she took this gymnastics belt thing from the second floor. Not sure if that would have been Tomb Raider. I actually think it was a movie when my ex was around so it would have been before Tomb Raider.... this will be an interesting read: https://www.drugwatcher.org/challenging-medical-lawsuits/ ... 10/5/17 I was so grateful this past weekend to meet someone who was telling me her mother is disregardful when it comes to her disability. My first question was "Is she an immigrant?" Sure enough the answer was yes. My medical testing that I only insisted on revealed one of my strong points is patterns. Too bad I couldn't recognize home harassment so that I would recognize it when I got out in the world. As I was leaving this person this past weekend I made it a point to say "I'll see you again?" because it was so poignant. I never found out what country her mother is from but when I said mine is from Ireland I didn't have to explain myself the phrase "cold." It's as if she has heard it all before but didn't sound like she has that in her own life. I relayed a lot of this to mom as mom came in the room this morning to get ready to take herself to the emergency room over the same thing as last time but that's what happens when you don't pursue medical malpractice over compression stockings that need to be started all over again from the start if you haven't worn them in a long time. Mom stopped being defensive I guess as the reality was sinking in as I was saying that's the problem with fucking immigrants in this country who need to get with the program of where their children are coming from.Claire's same way doesn't fit into an immigrant category. Mom called me a couple hours later to say they are admitting her and I told her me and Christine are already getting dinner but I'm not getting up in the morning to get her to shop. She told me I'd need to call her bus if that's the case so I looked up the number and as soon as I had it she started in as to why I don't just help her. I told mom this is not my problem. That she made Claire sole other guardian so she needs to call Claire or go back to the surrogate's court and mom did her usual pfft to the word. Same bullshit went on about I've got to get out. And the local dobie smokers do nothing. * sigh * yep. Something that threw me was being kissed on the lips this past weekend! But unless I'm blind to the people I'm serving that was just a precious joking of "WHAT are you doing?" or "What's this???" It's had me laughing the past couple days. Unless I'm blind to the people I'm serving. Twenty years too late I learned about the brain injury reading of social cues that is a real problem for brain injury recipients. All as I wallow in the sorrow of mom calling it all a bunch of shit and the dobie smokers sit around and smoke away waiting for the stop sign to turn green :-(((. ... 10/6/17 So I'm stuck on the painfully slow connection again and it looks like I will be until Sunday when mom comes home. Two hours after the fact today I see DDD called my phone. As if! Call Claire! DDD theoretically has blood on their hands and they're calling me about Christine because no one is answering the house phone?? Just like I called DDD to save my life from California and she was ready to jump on it because she had no idea there were other children involved but as soon as I said I drove myself across the country she said there was nothing she could do - all in the same phone call. Happy now? When relaying this call in front of Pat Guide mom said her usual of "you shouldn't have said..." DAH! It helped her out! Not a fucking clue! Just like mom said she used her own money in paying a lawyer for me to not be evicted from the nursing home. Dah! She had me lose the case because she was willing to take me in. Fucking stupid! A PT came to the house today for Christine - same as mom's and he verified you need to be careful with compression stockings but he did not verify that if you haven't been wearing them for a long time you need to start all over. No medical professional is going to say you have a medmal case against another medical professional unless they are being paid as an expert witness in court. I had to call mom to get some of Christine's info including her social security number and I will have to look into why mom gave me dad's social security number with a medical number attached. Does it mean with guardianship that's the way it goes? even though dad is dead? Just like when I looked into the court papers long ago, only Christine was mentioned. The hell this is ending this way with me alive. Did Michael J. Mella not feel he could have my injuries verified? Did my father just refuse to delve into the unobvious? Brainwashed Claire couldn't give a shit I assume. Brainwashed Claire doesn't have the profound injuries me and Christine do. Just like the disabled child of an immigrant I was grateful to meet this past weekend - it only scratches the surface. That person doesn't have the profound injuries of more than one person that mom was left responsible for. I heard mom on the phone with Danielle of DDD before she went to the hospital and I heard mom relay to Danielle that mom was going to the hospital but I was home - so Christine was ok. I later asked mom what that was all about and Danielle said she'd be looking into where Christine could stay in an emergency. Good. This useless medical immigrant will be useful when she takes responsibility for all of her children. Flashes of Judge Deanne M. Wilson trailing off as she was telling me "you can file your own..." AS IF THAT WAS GOING TO PUT CHRISTINE IN A SITUATION OF LESS MEDICAL DANGER OR BETTER ADEQUACY. Then Christine's care at her workshop goes down the drain with a rustic Nancy as opposed to the younger Jennifer (and Jennifer stand-in when on maternity leave). I didn't know what Wilson meant - oh and how convenient I don't have the money to "file my own..." This is not ending this way that our father was gone at 12 years of age and we've been left here. Guess I'll go get dinner and then do the usual of drinking myself to sleep. Last night Christine got herself into bed. I gave her some help in the morning minus mom's complaints. ... 10/9/17 Well this fucking sucks because of fucking sucky techies at the college. Everything I wrote right on here while being offline is completely lost because when I came on campus it shut me down. As a former Techie-qualified person it makes no sense that guests were suddenly cut off from using the university's wifi safe connection. My bad for not just putting it on some type of word processing. But then again dirty deeds can be done dirt cheap by people who are aware of things and trying to bring you down. When I was skinny and sexy lots of people watched my ass. I ALWAYS watch my ass. I'm not registering my fucking device on this fucking network just to avoid the headache. FUCK YOU. nm. Anyway trying to rethink everything I wrote today that is all completely GONE. So there is a difference in Christine in that after spending some peaceful days with me I saw the stress A1 when mom came home Saturday. Mom came home from the hospital and Christine wanted to go out but instead of the usual "I'm sick of living here!" Christine pouted a "I'm sick of being in the house." Mom's goings on that are all GONE now because of inadequate college techies have to come back to me. I totally would have had Christine meet tribe had I known about Saturday's event with ample time beforehand. I would very much like her to as mom has Christine tied into Catholicism and I think Natives have much more of a spiritual clue - a way of life for time immemorial. Claire's group only arose out of a Princeton University Theological Seminary in the 1970s - a supposed pedophile according to his fellow Ivy Cornellers. So Sat mom arrived home and the house is noisy again and mom calls for a nurse to come and it's not only a weekend but a holiday so this morning mom said her leg is burning as I ask why is the coffee filter on the table. Turns out mom got up to make coffee but gave up. Just like my knee pain has been kicking my ass since Sat when mom got home and it's a Potsdam ritual thing I can almost guarantee because I wasn't doing anything except lying in bed when it started. It's a miracle I got here today. Yesterday I was downed by the excruciating pain. When mom said this morning about everything I said "that's why you stay in the hospital until you know you've secured the things you need at home." Mom did her defensive and by the time she was finished we were right back to what I originally said of "that's why you stay in the hospital until you know you've secured the things you need at home." Still have to remember everything else I had written down that is GONE. ... 10/11/17 dreams: (and I hope I remember the second one). I had 4 nurses taking care of me milling around my living quarters in the city of Syracuse. These were the same nurses involved in mom's care. Something comes to mind that I'm not sure if it was this dream or another that I went up the stairs of an airport and the lock needed to work or there would be trouble. Anyway I was laying in bed with a nurse tending to me and she got off the phone with her friend and flicked the light on and off so her friend who was a truck driver could see it coming around the highway bend in front of my window. I didn't know this was going to happen. I just know she got off her phone and flicked the light and waved and I asked "oh they're a truck driver?". End of dream that I can remember. 2nd dream: I've lost it for now but the first dream I kept playing over in my head so I would remember it when I got up. My knee pain is KICKING MY ASS so I can't just easily get up these days. I won't be going to a Doctor. I'm just missing out on phone calls I was going to make and other stuff that I've been tackled like a football player. I don't plan on missing Saturday's event. I just probably won't be as well prepared. The good news is the knee pain is so extremely excrutiating that I can't feel the back pain when I walk. Christine fell this morning again on 10/11/17. She didn't fall near her room so police had to come and pick her up after I went back to bed. I heard one cop come here and ask Chis some questions and then had "Sarge" come. Must be Ace Ventura's predecessor. I was surprised mom got a pair of pants and shoes on in time. Shit theoretically hit the fan yesterday but this is getting old of how much of a corrupt screw up Morris County Surrogate's Court is in asking, witnessing, admonishing, and then just letting slide the lives left in this careless negligence. On the first PT visit for Christine her heart rate was low and good when first taking. First taking yesterday it was elevated and I have to guess being back under mom's stress had anything to do with it. I didn't say it. I made sure Christine wore shorts with the PT here so we could FINALLY address this issue. The PT saw her leg snapping back right away. He feels it's a muscle issue though and not an ACL. I told him how they used to pick my leg up when lying down and the leg would droop down so I had an ACL issue. My ACL was never torn - everything was so completely stretched out in my leg including the ACL that I only had one working ligament going into surgery. He talked about the getting of a knee brace and mom was all of a sudden in the dark. I started in with "AS I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU..." and then had to clarify with mom that what he is saying is that they will start out with a brace place first (for inquiry) and then a doctor but since Christine was being taken to her GP yesterday the PT said to ask him to write a prescription. The result of that was the GP asked "what kind of knee brace?" and then told mom to tell the PT to call him. Good! This loose cannon woman is not just getting things willy nilly at last. Once the PT noticed the inadequate height of Christine's crutch that's when things got real interesting. Again you hear me say "I said that."Do a search on this blog for the word "crutch" and you'll come across our time in the emergency room with Christine that I found out how inadequate her crutch is because we are about the same height and in order for me to use her crutch I had to sway my body back in order to get support of the crutch. I let the PT know that Christine's Harvard educated foot doctor did not address that. The PT did the same as the first day in joking what I say doesn't matter. No laughing matter (although I understand that as a stranger all he could do was make a joke of it) and we are only fucked by the Morris County Surrogate's Court. Christine's Harvard educated foot doctor did not address Christine's snapping knee however mom is the one of many at fault for not getting her proper orthopedic evaluations. As I've said, why on earth would a Harvard graduate be doing in my country bumpkin neck of the woods??? Witness protection? Hiding something else? And this college's computer Techies suck balls. Something is not right. ... In other neighborhood news mom's lucky stars are going to run out. I assume because the girls across the street are aware it's bear season (or at least warm weather that they are not hibernating) we got a ring to our doorbell last night. As I refused to help mom the way things are, mom stuggled over to the window and opened it. The girls were going back to their house when mom asked who it is and they yelled to us "your garage is open" and I was too blitzed to be totally engaging but yelled back "thank you" and they yelled "you're welcome." I then continued loudly at mom who was in the process of closing the window that had she not kept going on, I would have been able to hear the garage door closing when the delivery person left. (That delivery person threw me. Granted when I called to place the order Christine thinks I said Mayo instead of Mustard but I know for a fact after hanging up that I incorrectly told them to make a right instead of a left to get to our house. That does not though answer why she had her car parked away from our house and with how she was talking, her children were in her car. She looked to be more of a middle eastern descent than Mexican. She also took a long time to come into the house from the garage and I don't know why). With mom having a hearing aid this wouldn't be a problem. This morning there was a police line-up outside and the house with the jock only child had something happen and I still don't know if it was a break-in or a bear or what but the mother was pointing out something with damage to her car and by the time I got there her dog was in the car and no one was going in the house except police. When the PT first got here for mom today he asked if I saw the police outside and I said I saw one in the mirror but the police were already here today to pick Christine up. A female police officer came with a camera and took pictures of the house. The girls mother came home, went inside, came out, and reported everything checks out except she didn't check the basement. It was kind of odd to be sitting in the window with the glass open most of the time and not interact with anyone. But I'm fucking pissed off at this fucking place until I see justice - or death - whichever comes first. Just like it's scarring to have neighbors be mean to the tribe over who and what they are, I've already been there and done that with eggs thrown at our house and windows soaped up and gas caps stolen from the car in the driveway, etc - while mom finds comfort in the friends and family who keep her aloof and Claire was simply playing an Ivanka Trump that she's not grown out of consisting of keeping the peace, as Trump has said about his daughter being a good negotiator over the years. One of the police that had come around was wearing what I think is a bullet proof vest and after all had left I heard sirens lurking around eventually. I first thought it was a raid of the Mexicans who never open their window shades or blinds and they can be found outside (the male at least) wearing a bandana mask below the eyes which hides facial recognition. It's hard to judge on that though. I lived in a house never opening window covers. ... 10/12/17 It was a break-in and immediately I wondered what pattern singled out their house and I verified their house is the only one in the immediate neighborhood that has a different energy source than everyone else. Related or not I don't know. The retired police officer who was at our accident scene would have seen it and I told mom this but mom said he could have been sleeping. So when Christine got home yesterday her mood was over-the-top in that she almost fell and her screams against living here have returned. So I asked her if she wants to live in group home or with Claire. She took a while to answer and her answer was Claire. I then asked her what makes her think things will be better if she lives there. Her tantrum returned and she said she didn't know. (The problem is not living here. That I know. Christine is only repeating that from YEARS of mom's influence. She's not able to identify the problem. My guess is she wants a change. I do know she is as compliant with PT as she would be at a schedule with Kessler. As I keep saying I am well aware of the rehabilitative lives we've lived before and during returning to this house in the late 70s/early 80s but the Morris County Surrogate's Court only exists for corruption to continue). Later on I intuitively asked Christine when she last had her period and her answer was she didn't know. Mom said it "was a long time ago" and I understood. This morning Christine was over-the-top again with mom as the frustrations of getting dressed erupted. Christine stopped screaming when I let her know she's only like this because she's getting her period soon and that I used to be exactly the same only my spells came out as crying/sobbing instead of screaming. That they call it PMS (not the meant technical definition) and it stands for Premenstrual Syndrome. This explanation totally stopped Christine's tantrum. (Flashback to Christine having seizures prior to her periods for 17 years). Yeah I think I get that it's the same for Christine that once she understands what the problem is it is better controllable. Been there and done that in the first 5 minutes with a brain injury counselor who has never technically lost a case in court but we are left with this fucking immigrant who never took action once she was told the truth. The next cold words mom threw at her in mom's own frustration, Christine didn't react to. The college's techies still suck balls as it is easy to see that students and their laptops come and go from campus and they don't only use the network so it makes no sense that for security reasons guest accounts were cut out from wifi. I'm juist waiting to see it all blow over. Oh and one other thing about yesterday, I did find it odd to see a jean dressed unmarked guy going to an unmarked van with a meter reader around here some time in the last 2 weeks. It was ironic that as I was typing all this neighborhood stuff yesterday that mom was going back to the hearing aid place to return the alternate pair that she probably lied about saying she followed all the directions. After making sure she didn't get charged $8000 for the first pair she went to them who gave her an alternate and she told me that night she had them in and needed to get used to them gradually as per instructions. She didn't put them in the next night or any other nights I know of but she'll lie about that too. There was something else with the PT but as I'm stuck on a slow connection due to knee pain kicking my ass still I'll have to remember some other time. ... and I remembered what I forgot and then forgot again about with the PT and I'm running out of power so don't know if I'll get it in. ... 10/13/17 Oh yes so what happened is that me and mom were going at it before the PT got here and I was going over the top at mom and as I finished "a sentence" the doorbell rings. Mom opens the door and the PT's response was different when coming in asking "hello" and I eventually ask him if he heard me screaming and he said yes and wondered what happened and I think I said something along the lines of "that's what happens when medical obligations are not fulfilled." I think he said something like that everyone has their issues and I did not like that response. Flashback to all the times growing up people hurling their shit at me about living in the past instead of "There's statute of limitations on that. Get to work on that now!" But the dobie smokers just sit and wait for the stop sign to turn green. Taking it easy for today for tomorrow. Just woke up and the pain feels more manageable but the day has just begun. ... Christine fell again when she came home today but I need to keep my mindset on tomorrow. The pain is not as nerve riding but it's serious nontheless. Mom declared she feels Christine's crutch is the problem. 2ce I had to remind her she was falling before the crutch adjustment. I completely forgot to tell the PT that the other problem with Christine's crutch is the stopper on the bottom wearing. It could be with the new height adjustment she needs to have the stopper changed. Mom is not looking at just getting a stopper because they've tried that before and couldn't get it on the crutch. I told her "well now you have a PT to put it on so go get some." ... 10/15/17 Will it happen? I doubt it. Mom has long since forgotten that conversation by now. Exactly why the competency evaluations of guardians need to be strict. Flashes of multiple medical professionals saying they see no reason why I'm not or could not be involved in Christine's medical care. So yesterday was just another great day with the tribe. Hoping a blessing of healing was well received. My knee pain is still kicking my ass but same as last reporting.... 10/17/17 So last night's dreams happened in 2 phases. During sleep 1 had dream that dealt with family descendants on my father's side and there was much activity and a very overall bad feeling. During phase 2 of sleep where dream 2 happened it was peaceful and I distinctly heard the words coming from a particular face saying "Welcome home" as if having a near-death experience. Before phase 1 of sleep I was over-the-top with mom who had the gall to call Dad's Uncle's son in Cali about how he is in relation to the Cali fires. Gall? Because he's (that I know of) the only lawyer in the family whom mom never reached out to for help however, mom's laughing at me over the years for being involved with lawyers and telling me I will get no place with them, held me back from strong cases. Fucking useless in America.... And I can't believe Christine now that mom's home. Saying she does her exercises 3 times a day I can't believe it. That's the rehabilitative blockade mom is even if it is with good intention - well maybe good intention is not a good use of the word. Me not getting here yesterday all worked out in that it was time for Danielle to visit. I got to know what the service interruptions were for Christine and expressed my dislike of Christine's job pay citing that none of the Occupy movement agrees with these huge money making companies paying pennies on the dollar to the handicapped as wages. Christine is not exposed to the non-menial jobs available to her so she wouldn't know what to complain about. Long ago she complained about the work she was doing of stuffing thermometers and then sitting around when there was no work to do. She came home and said she wants a regular job. Her uneducated immigrant mother thinks she's involved in all that. NOT. Come to think of it, don't thermometers have mercury in them? Wasn't that a hazard? And our lives waste away at being left with this woman.... It feels like my surgery undid itself which makes no sense how some pain that was fading suddenly kicked my ass but then again I know of the Potsdam freakshow. It keeps clicking as if something is not touching.... but then again some things I've been thinking about lately is that during discovery Michael J. Mella or David Rutherford discovered I went to kindergarten illegally and so I was left out of the insurance records that the court records only show of Christine. Right our lives were thrown away to insurance. Right. My father had to sue my mother under no-fault even though the truck driver was sued for speeding and over the weight limit. Is it because mom lied about her activities with that deli? and so discovery went awful for the children involved in SHIT going on in the adult world. Time to reopen an old case because I demand answers. ... 10/19/17 [to be edited/fixed some other time up until 10/28/17] at 4:02 AM I got up to record a dream and my laptop not working!!!!! I was given a chance to start in safe mode and just let it start windows normally. Had to shut it down again from power button. 2nd time laptop acted strange since being on the college campus. Error "IRQL_NOT_LESS_OR_EQUAL" Dream(s?) - first had dream dealing with another line of my father's descendants and again had very bad unsettling feeling. Then had dream working in a team and as I was talking to my team male friend who is the docile type, George Bush Jr. came to him and said "no you asshole" after my friend explained a procedure to him thought to be correct. This is consistent with the lack of social compatibility of me and my ex. ... at 4:24 AM This dream I assume woke me up at 2:30am and I had gone to bed 8pm. Drinking Vodka still at 4:12 am and having an emotional earthquake over my laptop.My leg is acting like it last acted in Potsdam. George Bush has ties to Potsdam as does the entertainment mafia. I've been left for dead by certain people. These stressors make me to the point of jumping. The stress being my laptop. The worst of the people is the Irish bitch whose care I was left under. ...5:45 AM Oh yes and just pointing out the timeliness of Tom Petty's death to the addition of the Dixie Chicks' Bush situation to my playlist. It explains the apathy re: death in potsdam. No one prepared me. Kevin's first reaction of potsdam was "a bad vibe." No one saved me where people's lives can be expendable as needed. Why do I have jewel's song in my head about fly? meaning let me fly which are lyrics from "Barcelona." ... 12:18 PM STRESS OVER MY LAPTOP! NOW I HAVE TO SHOP AROUND FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE DOING!!! STRESS!!!!! ... 10/24/17 at 3:56 PM So day before yesterday I was watching observe(?) about an obviously disabled (autistic) boy who made it to college and had a support system of an unseen disability group and a friend obviously disabled by cerebral palsy. He had full support of his family although I don't think he had other siblings - therefore he got full attention. He gradually moved on-campus instead of all at once - which, him being overloaded. could lead to assault. Me and mom had it out as she sat there completely disconnected that violin lessons or tap dancing lessons let alone being allowed the chance to continue cooking and sewing when released from a hospital, has anything to do with the future well-being of a child. Yesterday I'm trying to trace my steps about 3 hours still after the above and I still can't remember. Today I have to break the cycle of being in the house for a week with my knee. Wondering when the clicking and shifting will go away. I already know I have a non-working pckg - oh I know what I was going to say. I was going to point out this freakshow in which someone like Tom Petty winds up dead and suddenly Bush speaks out about some crap. My experience in potsdam sees no surprise in the correlation. Remember Bush supposedly had or has a fishing buddy who's a business owner in Potsdam - an unknown political switchboard between the U.S. and Canada. ... 8:41 PM There's a typo below (or above?). It's supposed to be "pbs" and I remembered something else I now forgot. Christine just showed her usual with mom around and I let her know it. I heard Chris come back from the bathroom and place her crutch the usual and tell mom she's sitting in the next room. I had planned on asking her if the PT told her to revert back to that but lost that chance because Chris flew into a rage over her 2nd mistake tonight. I finally went out and joined her in her scream session telling her to shut the fuck up and let me ask my question as she did NOT answer it already. I asked if the PT told her to go back to leaving the crutch away from her. She then said she forgot and somehow the conversation entailed that now mom's home NOW living here is a problem and NOW she's not doing her excersizes faithfully as I had her doing them. She lies and I remind her she didn't do them tonight after dinner and mom comes to the defense she did them last night. I did not see christine standing at the counter doing her newest exercises. Usually the mice will play when the cat's away but in this case the mice are in peril when the cat is NOT away. I reminded Chris how much she did NOT go on with mom gone. And it's been the same old shut-the-fuck-up stress with mom around as in we don't need her fucking going on constantly stressing us out. ... Oct 26 at 9:34 AM So this morning I got woken up a few times. Looked at my phone and it said 8:34. I hear Chris tell mom it's 6:33 and I can't hold my pee in anymore. I figure maybe Chris is talking of something else as I roll in saying it's 8:34 not 6:33. Christine's mistake surprises me as much as it disappoints/embarrasses her. I then hear mom with a usual earthquake of "SHIT!!...' the end of the world happened that mom spilled her glass of water while taking her pills so that starts an already upset christine into a rage. That is cut short by me interrupting there is a man walking by the window. I scream it again louder to go over Chris and finally Chris sees him and reports that accuracy to mom. Since mom only has a shirt on we all need her to know this. As I roll back I hear mom say she needs towels for the spill. In her condition Judge Deanne M. Wilson is her worst nightmare. As I lay back down here I hear mom blame her lack of bottles of water as the problem and she needs to get someone to do the shopping. This is not the first I've heard this so it's good the local store always has me sign at the checkout. So mom gets a towel and I hear her just open up her mouth and yell how awful it is. She's correct. In her condition the path of justice for me to return home is in absolute certainty that Judge Deanne M. Wilson committed senior abuse. It is Claire who aided this by turning a deaf ear to the pretty picture mom always paints. The other night I pointed out to mom she's running from something not going back home being the only Irish person i know wont touch alcohol or cigarettes. how any 16 year old being out of the stronghold of their parents in another country would love that. I ran through the gamut of what mom could be running from and she declared she came here "to WORK" the big hint of something wrong with me. Nice fucking fiasco Morris County Surrogate's Court. ... 12:41 PM I was just reading the native american site article on Jan being stalking awareness month and I'm reminded that on Oct 1 the noise we heard at the end as standing before the bridge was a drone because as I was at my car was an innocent enough looking male minor giving me a bad feeling standing in the field next to my new parking place playing with his drone. A slime's way of saying "so don't cross the bridge. I'm still going to stalk you and your car." ... 2:16 PM Mom just made a call based on the orthotic person just here. I asked him to include in his notes that the sister not included in christine's guardianship was the most proactive. He politely said he thinks he saw mom's eyes roll on that one and I said yeah well mom's got some real problems and needs to go back to Ireland. He let it be known his irish roots but eventually I was like "so yeah this one with the sweet sounding accent went into court and lied about me." So mom has an appointment for 5 days from now. All of this done 3 years ago when I said it could have avoided a bloody head on the driveway with a new open wound brain injury but we are left EVEN STILL with this incompetent immigrant courtesy of Judge Deanne M. Wilson. And if I walk back outside this woman will act like it's any other day. The guy asked if Chris was how she is from a stroke and I explained we were all in an accident and I was comatosed for a mo and lived in the hospital with her. He seemed surprised. I have to wonder if he saw quite clearly the evil imbalance on the scales of justice but I need to carry on my volunteer activity with Chief now and drink away this cruel reality we were left in just so I can get up tomorrow to keep nursing my knee. ... 10/28/17 at 9:25 AM Feeling so incredibly sad. Alone. Woken up by mom's going on about everything. Christine making that noise as mom stresses her out. The noise taught to Chris by mom that was the deal breaker in Claire never watching Chris again when mom went away because we're just too freakish for Claire as if her Children's exposure to us will make her kids lepers. Sadness aided by the stress of yesterday that my alma mater can't help me with my laptop problems so I have to pick and choose which McDonalds I'm going - and there goes mom with her problems this time with turning the TV on. Left here in this - I just remembered one way I did not stay in this sadness was bringing home my dog as a pup. Stress and sadness. That's why immigrants go back to where they came from when things are not working in their favor in this country. But this country leaves immigrants loose cannons and it's the children who pay the price for mom. ... 3:49 PM Oh yes and I've forgotten a few times to mention the blurred vision that seems to have affected my right eye. One night I was trying to rub away the blurriness and when my right eye was covered my sight was clear. The consequences of not saving a life. Stroke pre cursor? Diabetes mismanagement? Infection results? I'm bored and sad. ... 4:59 PM Oh yes and I forgot to mention mom's recent faltering or stumbling voice as I heard her correct herself from "girl" to "woman." Again those precious illusions kicking up that someone is finally telling her to listen to herself in the habits instilled in me who does the same inappropriateness outside the home but only has dear prices to pay for it. The price disabled children in America pay for their sweet and cute sounding immigrant parents....10/31/17 3:34 AM [to be edited/fixed another time to 11/2/17] ... 11/5/17 well this wasn't put in here when it was supposed to be due to my Google Chrome existence I was forced into. ... 10/31/17 3:34 AM What a sad world we live in that there's refusal to address brain damage but digitally altering brown hair to be red hair is done on a regular basis by my criminal stalker that ruined a life. The same slime that has Clare brain washed. ... 12:09 PM So today feeling very sad. When I'm kept busy I'm not so sad but poor NYS wanted to ruin my life with a moneymaking pipeline whereas richer NYC and NJ know how to save a life too late. ... Mom was left doing her usual job of taking the garbage out so I had to go explain to the PT the drug addict behavior surrounding all the years that went by and all the inappropriate and reckless care that never addressed christine's snapping knee. I don't think I adequately explained mom's medical incompetence that played right into it. When I mentioned Kessler for the overall brain injury care he disagreed but it sounds like his Kessler experience was pre-brain injury days. If not it goes to show more immigrant disregard. Flashback to judge deanne m. Wilson saying that all I do is argue even with the Kessler recommendation doctor when she was completely false - I was simply pointing out that he recommended something verbally without writing it down. One corrupt bitch better off dead. If I didn't feel it I wouldn't say it. Do I act on feelings? Not really. The PT saw mom with her shoe hanging off because mom needs help putting it on and he said something to her AGAIN. Nice going judge wilson. The PT pointed out how sad all these medical people missing christine's needs repeatedly is. Exactly. The overlappimg of mom's aid had mom say we had to have breakfast delivered because we have no food in the house and since the aid has carried what I've delivered up the stairs she asked/commented I haven't done the shopping yet. There goes mom's attempt at sounding desperate waiting for someone else to fix her problems but I think the PT understands I'm not dependable while the surrogate's court has done what they did. I was very verbal to the PT about how all this happened repeatedly until I got involved. Mom was left in charge of us while never having to learn or be capable of learning the medical jargon needed for proper communication of us. Oh and I keep forgetting to give an elevator update. One of the last times the contract guys were here he left behind his power tool screwdriver. What's the point? It's too heavy for mom's arthritic hands and it seems too complicated for me. Last mom had someone here it was the guy who must have fixed the elevator that mom ommitted to tell me about. It must have been during the time mom was making secret plans with Claire to just up and sell the house. It could have also been some plans in collaboration with an ill-informed Italian mama, et al, within christine's handicapped groups. ... 11/1/17 12:41 PM Holy shit. Through listening to mom's nurse talk to mom I learn the brace place for christine doesn't think her leg is too bad AND she was not evaluated with shorts on AND mom doesn't have the sense to say PT is making her temporarily better. Flashback to the PT relenting saying to me the sad situation this is and I said it's why she would be better off in a full blown brain injury program at Kessler and that seemed to throw him possibly because he does muscle and bone; not brain (which he seemed to not take seriously due to lack of knowledge). I'm hearing mom tell her nurse for the second time she had to drive Chris yesterday and eat out because she can't cook anymore. Mom mentioned something else she can't do but I forget - all a ploy for her to have someone else take authority without her admitting much and still get away with ignoring her kids. ... 5:44 PM So without mom here right now I got to ask Chris about yesterday if she wore shorts and she said yes. I asked if she wore them going there or changed when she got there and she said going. I verified the brace place said she's not walking too bad and then I verified mom did NOT say she's getting physical therapy. (THAT IS THE REGULAR RECKLESSNESS YOU WILL FIND IN THIS BLOG. Mom probably has the city slicker attitude of "don't tell them anything. Have them tell you to prove their competence." The only missing key is "sue them for the incompetence.") The conversation with christine was then about all she's missing out on just because she felt obligated to follow mom's influence to tell Cristina Mirda, when she was here, that she didn't want me involved in whatever 1/2 ass explanation Chris got of what is happening. I then decided to test the odd response I've heard before that she remembers Cristina Mirda (but has no memory of our visit to the head of the department at Kessler). She doesn't remember mom and Claire's atty or what Mirda looks like or when she last came to her shop but she said "sometimes" when I asked if Mirda comes to her shop. I told her not to confuse Mirda with DDD Danielle and she understood. So that may explain why mom is shoulder chip-ish sometimes. That this is ongoing and I am left in the dark same as Jodi Foster in Silence of the lambs. Yet I have to be careful not to mix precious illusions of protection with reality. ... 11/3/17 5:43 AM Day hasn't started yet. After trip yesterday asked mom what PT said and he's speaking to the brace place. I let mom know this delays is what held back our lives. She couldn't just explain Chris is not too bad BECAUSE she's in pt??? That just as the orthotic guy was saying, these are temp fixes. Mom is medically incompetent. We could have had all our post-accident potential fulfilled. Could have. ... 11:09 AM So I either wanted to go to the library or the land today but it's already 10:30am. We desperately need shopping in the house. I'll be having left over Chinese food as a meal today. I'm always a bit lethargic next day after a 13 hour drive but activity for the tribe pulls me out of that mindset. I'll have a chance later to possibly find out what, if anything, is happening today or tomorrow on the land. I've gone before and sat around and no one around. That's difficult with me by myself struggling with a wheelchair by myself. With all these independent struggles FUCK! I CANT TUNE IN ON FB!!! I can youtube. Ok so tribe and opponents there. Maybe later I'll go to the land. ... 8:21 PM Never went to the land today because I never heard back from chief whom my ex emulates word for word which means he knew him or knew of him loooong before he was chief. The wind/breeze is speaking and I wish I knew what it meant. Waiting to pass out at 8:21pm. ... 11/5/17 Yeah so I'll reiterate what I learned when I was in California that my ex has some real problems whether it's speaking or meaning that he was scout trained in the military. The military is only going to spend that kind of money on someone enrolled full-time in the Army. Yep. ...Have had flashes of him a long time ago, when I drilled him about being true to himself in the social world he said "look I've worked hard..." Yeah I'm sure he must have and it cost his being true to himself but that doesn't totally summarize it. ... 11/7/17 1:25 PM I don't trust my mother's ability to carry out an off the shelf brace responsibility for Christine but such has been our lives anyway. I'm keenly aware of her "ok now that's all taken care of" attitude without follow up. I don't feel good today although that kicked in after the coffee and before the food. Bored. ... 11/9/17 1:26 AM Woke up for 2nd time 1:10 am and about to prepare round 2. In babble mode but no one to talk to or bounce things off of. That's what brings on sadness. Flashes of Claire citing the bible that man was not made to be alone. Yeah ok bitch. Now how about addressing brain damage and common social problems. But brainwashing has you in deep.... 3:06 AM Something that is bothering me lately are all these mistakes I'm making lately that have to do with memory recall. That's why saving a life in distress is what you do. But dobie smokers are nothing new while children given up on. There are certain people you just want to slap that are on this journey and don't get you by any means. They'll never have the understanding in life you have - kind of exactly like my ex. My ex who is a life force bloodsucker to the innocent unsuspecting ones in suburbia. His ticket to moving up in the world. He lucked out in some ways and was very controlling in other ways. His motivations have always been to not live or raise kids like his parents whose house looked like the 1950s and an eyesore of sorts to the neighborhood. He cut his family off to achieve this victimizing new lives in this world who lost out on a relationship with their paternal grandmother and family. I'm wondering if his sad ways have been exposed to reveal the dangers. I'm awake around the clock and there will still be others out there blind-sided by him. He wanted kids before he got too old. Was it worth it? I'll conclude that my agreement with ironic has never been what it is but rather "meeting the man of my dreams being another's Paradise by the dashboard light." My ex also found the skinny genetics he was wanting so badly and our lives are as hip as the dobie smokers that surround us. But actually I still wonder about his near-drowning that his oldest sister that saved him had anything to do with the weight control part of his brain; not to mention that his premonition dreams that I used to say were definitely due to his nativeness may well be due to a near death experience he may have had in relation to that. ... 12:01 PM Feeling incredible sadness. Something that contributes is all these people coming to the house. Long history on that. If only I had proper care growing up. Babble mode and no one to babble to. Stalked online regarding senior portraits. My whole life fed to drugs. Proper care never given. Too much. Too much. ... 11/12/17 So I didn't really hear what happened on Thursday with the brace but the PT seemed surprised mom didn't do anything about looking into the brace. I would have been on it immediately. ARE WE LISTENING FORMER(?) JUDGE DEANNE M. WILSON? Do you know one of Christine's best friends before our accident was also named Deanne? She also had a best friend named Maureen. I don't remember if she had been drifting apart from Kelly before but I don't think so. Anyway, I am well aware that these things can not be left go. I heard the PT say "Remember?" to mom and mom saying she was waiting for a call back from someone (whom the PT already evaluated wasn't going to be involved due to a whole month having gone by and no brace). I am very familiar with all the braces discussed (at least in relation to the knee). On Tuesday I rolled out after I woke up and you could probably hear it in my voice I just rolled out of bed. I didn't say things right but that's to be expected first thing in the morning with anyone. I think mom eventually got Claire to order the bed rail for Christine. Maybe when mom gets to it she'll also have Claire get a brace? After mom does her "thing about things" perhaps? Flashback of my ex stating to me there's no way he could survive if my mother was his mother. Absolutly no way he could put up with how she is. Yet no Kevin was available to testify to that in court and Judge Deanne M. Wilson sided with those who had lawyers being paid and Christine is left in shit. yep.... And the spirits are that alive. Actually right around the time I mentioned the bee joke-nice guy my ex is. That's spirit people. Wake up. Psychiatry is false. Biology is alive and spirit exists unless a reader did this? - doubt it. October 11th post: https://www.facebook.com/pg/AllendaleVolunteerAmbulance/posts/. Right - date someone for 7 to 10 years; have them forewarn you that if you all break up you'll never see or hear from him again; he calls you after he and his new girlfriend have their first fight WHICH WAS OVER THE SAME SHIT HE PULLED WITH YOU AT THE START OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP ABOUT BEING POLITE; and then never see or hear from him again all the while environmental transitioning due to brain damage is THAT important - you know what - it's just unbelievable - oh but wait he's calling it Karma because that's easier to understand than his part of fucking with a disabled minor who needs to get up for school the next day and doesn't have a father, brother, or other family to save her future. yep. Oh and by the way I only looked him up because I was trying to show his resemblance to a Native American tribe in getting my point across to someone I was talking to. Oh but guess who had flashes this morning of a movie about a female and male student in which the female always has a pen in her hand and everyone thinks her boyfriend has it bad for being with her and they all cheer in the end when she dies in this horror movie. Yeah welcome to my ex's "I'm right and you're wrong life." YEAH. Let's hear another one. Shaking my fucking head. ... 11/13/17 12:45 PM This is nothing new throughout the years of mom's comprehension problems. She's still waiting for the marriage of the PT and the brace place. ARE WE FOLLOWING KEYWORDS WILSON STRAUB ACCARDI-MIRDA LUONGO? anyone else? Oh and I did not share the joke with christine that PMS also stands for putting up with men's shit. A part of life robbed from her all chalked up to a no-fault settlement that voids my name in the complaint because mom brought me to kindergarten illegally just to find out I wasn't academically superior to the smartest - christine - so I was in no way ahead like my friend Raina whose IQ had her skipping grades. ... 11/14/17 12:28 AM A new case worker came here today and she got a mouthful from me. She's from the same agency as Danielle. Actually she technically came here yesterday since it's after midnight and I'm waiting to pass out. The mind that never rests. And I forgot to mention the other display of spirit surrounding my knee/dream comment and my fall. But I must rest now and hope it works. ... 11/17/17 this is to the youth in the back seat at the light near the D'n'D/Subway/711 strip mall: Dear, whatever you were trying to say to me with your lewd gesture, just remember you need to grow the goods first before you try to exchange fancies. If you didn't want to hear this coming from someone with way more experience than you, your loud playing music driver should have turned left at the green arrow when he/she was supposed to. Out of respect for your youthful and naive age I'll just say be careful what you do now that could come back to you down the road. 'nuf said by choice. ... In other news it's just the same shit different day. PT is done for Chris and she has no brace. Night before the last day she brought Chris to the pharmacy to try one on and it's way too clumsy and complicated for Chris. The next day as she is relating this to the PT mom says she needs someone else and I started making a scene. I said a lot including that if she needs someone else involved get the only other guardian Claire involved (while holding back the word "stupid") who doesn't have a clue about braces BUT I DO. As I was saying a whole lot I noticed one of mom's Bicentenial glasses she recently relented saving and using instead due to having no one to pass them down to, had such a deep crack in it, it needs to be thrown out. As I was showing this I looked over at the PT and he kicked in with his sense of humor with a look of "wasn't me!" Mom's aid was there too to hear the whole thing but she was busy helping Christine so I'm sure she didn't hear it all.... 11/18/17 10:03 AM Ok so mom must have gotten better at making sure Christine verbalizes when there are 3 instead of 1 seizure meds left. Well it happened to fall on a Friday night and now Chris may have to go a whole day and a half without it. ... 11/19/17 So this is the day Chris is going without her seizure meds so I have to wonder what will happen. Like I've mentioned here before the shit I was put on, Depakote, that I never belonged on caused me to have seizures when skipping doses. The internet said about Chris's med that if a dose is missed, just take it as soon as possible. Hope the Russian Roulette with Chris's life goes ok. ... 11/23/17 10:26 AM
I
have more than enough sleep today but it's a fucking holiday. Mom is
watching her precious Thanksgiving Day Parade and I'm just laying in
bed. It's her nostalgia of life long ago and I've seen her have these euphoria feelings with Aunt Maureen with things like Christmas shows and the like. They just didn't have anything like it growing up so they're still awed by it. Was planning on a "don't think just drink" day but the library
situation is not only unfortunate in the one spot I go but others.
That's a lot of drinking for 5 days. Don't know what to do with myself. ... 2:11 PM I'm drunk waiting to pass out. . ... 7:31 PM Why
would I make that last entry??? Because I was drunk? Anyway going onto
round 3. Was reading blog entries from July and just going to numb
myself as I wonder if my life is being raped again with mom and Chris
over Claire's for Thanksgiving. What are the plans being made without me
again? Mom has the car service taking them over there and is using it
more often because of her sight problems driving. Mom never mentioned she was told she can't drive anymore. Maybe she has and is keeping that a secret or maybe she's just left the loose cannon self to decide for herself. And our lives are left
in this shit and dad's money goes to the dogs. Cheers with more Four
Loko. ... 11/24/17 4:25 AM And
I just tossed my cookies at 3am. Too much four loko so now I'm onto
Vodka and oj. Flashes of the neuro-testers in Plattsburgh contradicting
each other that the tester said "no!" when I said Mr. White Plains
Steven Novacich was deeming me unemployable and her boss the doctor
telling me "then do as they say." Flashes to Mr. White Plains saying
they will pay for me to be evaluated with pharmaceuticals at Sunnyview
in Schenectedy and all that time with Kate Falcon went down the drain as
she said how wonderful that would be. My resistance to their pipeline
cost me all meanwhile mom never investigated what could be done for me. A
fucking loose cannon immigrant in this country. When they got home from
Claire's earlier I asked Chris what Claire said about her knee/brace
and Chris said they didn't discuss it and I said they should have. That
she was due to have one months ago let alone years ago but instead got a
bloody head on the driveway. When mom came in I started going off on
her so Chris started going off on me. Chris was easier to silence though
as I drove home to her the lack of understanding how seriously she is
missing out on so much she needs or could have medically correct. So
christopher has found a girlfriend as of late but not tj who is in
college. Christopher is fine I guess with his life being short changed
by legally inept parents. Actually hippie-parents who feel they found
the answer from a Princeton theological seminary / U of Chicago
graduate. Oh and what's the insurance capital of the U.S.? Yep. Claire
is a no-fault dream come true. Still awake and sipping a screwdriver at
4am. Also had flashes of a thought that the inappropriate psychologist finding out
from her lawyer husband how wrong she is. She may be right you need to
be on top of impressing the surrogate's court but she is out in left
field at grasping the gravity of the situation. She told me her sister
had a first child at 42 so there is still time for me. Riiiiiggghhtt ok
is there still time now? Even under my circumstances? Childhood injuries
turned into adult injuries at the hands of her ex husband? I just
realized this will not show a time stamp. My left knee still has some
pain from my wipeout the other night in which I transferred from the
wheelchair to the toilet but I did not lock the chair and my comfortable drunkeness
could not stop me from rolling forward with the chair. No pain as near
as bad as my fall from lighting harrassment on the land. You know the
psychologist's take on it not being too late for me is like all the
other people along the way who said "you're still young." Am I still?
And am I up to date? Nice going everyone in saving the life of a child.
Now I'm only here to raise hell I guess - maybe that's not adequate wording - hmmm now I have nothing left to do but this?. ... 6:24 AM Still
awake at 5:30am. The screwdriver didn't do anything so onto a four
loko. And a bored 19 year old sucked the future right out of a
fatherless and brotherless 17 year old. And the 17 year old has become
what he wanted: a spoiled rich bitch put in her place and living in
karma. Now that his little girl will be dating will he keep better track
to make sure no guys (or son for that matter) never do what he did? He
probably never thought it would come back on him. Yep I'm still here
with a much better memory. And his butler crowd thinks he's all that
while based on my injury, has deemed me lucky to have him. Ha! Not my
NYC family. The overseas family probably doesn't know what to think. I
was his ticket to living the uptown girl life. I have to wonder what
Maria went through depriving her child(ren) AS BABIES their paternal
grandmother and family. That would never have happened with me - that I can
see. I do remember when he said to me he wants to have kids so wants to start a life with me, that was the definitive NOPE! Not only were our lifestyles very different such as he always had athletes foot from not wearing shoes but then he had me go to his surgeon for surgery because that doctor was one of the first to perform arthroscopic(sp?) in the country. Well lo and behold his doctor fucked my life with an immediate osteotomy needed. Oh but guess what? I have no one managing my life that is capable and compatible for life long needs. All this time on my hands and only time to think. He was affected
by seeing his parents having sex one early morning. He was affected by
having his father cry in his arms that his wife doesn't love him. He
resented me, late in the relationship, stating he could have brain damage
from the near-drowning but his resentment seemed more from me having
any say about his family as in "don't even talk about my family." David cassidy's song talks about he would
leave if she said so. Apparently my ex is not into David Cassidy. I'm
drunk but still not asleep. Still have more four loko left. A hiscidic
jewish mother looked me in the eye a couple times this week. Just one of those catching eye contact and wondering why she is still looking at me. I wondered
if they marry black people. When I see them they are all always white
bearing many children. The original Jews were black. We have a
population overload. Well it's almost 6:30. Time to try sleep. ... 5:03 PM Oh
yes and what started me going off on mom was her saying "that's enough
of that" after I asked her about christine's knee discussion. What a
crazy bitch we were left with. There's a bunch more that came to my
memory I'll have to remember again. ... 11/25/17 4:10 AM Woke
up 1:30 am and planned on just staying awake for the next 5 but being
awake at 3am is a drag so four loko to the rescue. What also got me here
was re-reading blog posts from May. So now that she (Claire) has a diabetes
diagnosis I have to wonder if she still has a "just move" mentality"
like she derailed my life about for years. When you have men around that
is easier to say. That reminds me how good it felt when I accidentally
ran into someone I graduated highschool with who remembers me. Flashes to Ace Ventura using
against me that I didn't remember the cop she came to my mother's house
with that we graduated with. Not all
the cops I graduated with remember me. Colleen Kober Pasquale will never live down
what she did to me until some kind of justice is served in our brain
damaged lives. Anyway this father of a young boy we were ordering goods
from pieces together names and then pieced that together recognizing my
smile and asked the year I graduated. Once recognized I felt the urge to
hug and/or kiss him but I held back. Everything has turned to shit so it's not worth it to feel a happy moment. It felt good to catch up. Before they
left there was still this not-sure-what-to-do in the air but we started
shaking hands and he bent down and kissed me on the cheek. Being in a
wheelchair there was only so much I could do. I felt so completely
awkward not having any kids so not knowing how to relate to the pride he
spoke with when he introduced his son. I did feel the pang that daddy
works A LOT and isn't around a lot. I found out from him he had a
guardianship with his grandparents in highschool so that he legally went
to highschool in my town and his parents lived in another town. Gee ma
see how easy that is???? Instead I have lifelong brain damage and
emotional scarring from a bunch of woodsmen and women. Gee ma you just
couldn't not lie? Even deanne m. Wilson bought your bullshit because
SOMEONE failed your children all these years. And it's now after 4am and
I'm still here with no one to talk to. I should be finishing this round
off with the leftover screwdriver from last night. ... 11:48 AM Woke
up around 8 am but still laying in bed at 5 to 10. Mom is inquiring
about a notary. Why??? Oh it's for Christine's birth certificate mom can't find.
Mom is burning dad's money unnecessarily with car services because no
one has told mom she can't drive anymore. Left under the radar mom is
left to disregard that I have any capability. Could be her biggest fear
I'm after her money that keeps things this way. The other day mom said
to me "like people are saying why don't you get a JOB." I went off on
her but I thought better of it that there's another side to this and I
think it was the next day I said "what did you say when they said that?"
Her response was that she agrees with them. So in effect I have to
wonder if it was her aid who said this. Knowing her aid is non-medically
inclined, I don't take her personal in my life. Just like Claire and
the inappropriate psychologist, she helps feed into mom's denial however
she is probably saying to herself "then why do you allow this?" or "then do something about it" but that could just be more precious illusions kicking in that someone is taking this situation seriously and doing something about it. More
later. I have to try to ... I'm back momentarily. Mom struggles with the wash and comes back going
on about what she'll do if she can't find mail for a bill. SHE'S ALREADY
BEEN TOLD WHAT TO DO THAT YOU CALL THEM, GET A REP AND SAY YOU CAN'T FIND YOUR BILL SO YOU NEED TO VERIFY YOURSELF SOME OTHER WAY. SAME SHIT WE WERE LEFT IN. DIFFERENT YEAR. ... The ONLY thing the inappropriate psychologist is good for is being a witness to Christine saying she wanted to try the get better program. ... 11/26/17 sibling disputes: http://www.sutphinlaw.com/Articles/Avoiding-Sibling-Disputes.shtml aka one is allowed to stay in denial about their medical nature following a car accident while one who was injured much more severe is left out because their honesty is pissing off the surrogate's court. yep. ... 11/30/17 Flashbacks and pain thinking the reality that I remember a whole lot all else forgot. Flashback to Deb and her boyfriend in the downstairs of my mother's house with me and my ex after(?) the first 2 years of college and my mother freaking out upstairs at my sister getting a bloody nose and probably because she felt abandoned for help she called the first aid squad over it. There was no need to call the first aid squad. Deb doesn't remember that experience making clear to her "your family just never dealt with it." I have too much memory for my own good because I just keep getting fucked. ... 12/3/17 So in the past couple days; there's something mom wouldn't even know about without me. Actually the first thing on my mind is the Senior Center I visited and it was a real eye opener and I realize the community type things mom has been giving half ass information to and hearing what she wants and so my life suffers. Still thinking about what I was going to say.... 12/6/17 oh yes and before I forget the situation with mom that I forgot opens up a look into regular life that was so inappropriate in the lives of children with medical needs. The garage door. Mom was up in arms over what she was going to do in fixing the non-working keypad that only I use. She even tried to put it off on me. So as time went by with the inconvenience we had, mom finally said she would be calling a garage door place but part of the anxiety was that the original installer of ours was no longer in business. Part of the anxiety was having to pay for a service call when she knows it's just a battery change but doesn't have a man around to do it and she wasn't able to call any of the men in the neighborhood over to do it. Sick and tired of this way, I said "they may not even need to come here! You first call and ASK explaining the situation. Is it just a battery???" Sure enough that was the case and mom finally got the job done when her nephew came over. Geesh! What we have been through with a woman who stayed all by herself with medically needy children! Here's the other situation: Being that mom is stuck supporting me while I'm still alive (with constant harassment about "getting out") I gave her what she needed for a rebate. I had mailed her one one 2012 but that was all screwed up because she decided to save money in going to Ireland later so that I had to miss out on going because I was going across the country. She never got the mail and never got the rebate. So now after me explaining and re-explaining things to her she was a mess about it in calling. She asked far fewer questions than she had so finally I got out of bed and made her put it on speaker phone and press the redial button and stop driving me crazy with questions she should have asked when on the phone. All was cleared and understood in maybe 5 minutes. Geez THAT'S WHY man was not made to be alone and children raised under these conditions have their lives short-changed but oh Claire only sees "Man was not made to be alone" and doesn't see the significance in ANYTHING else.... 12/9/17 3:23 PM
"Prosecutor
MichaelGarza, who is not related to the victim, had asked the jury not
to view the now elderly and weak Feit as he is today, but to try to
imagine him as a 28-year-old man capable of subduing the woman."
Contrary to pat guide's opinion there is justice many years after a
crime. The now elderly was once capable and being held accountable does
happen. In this case it's ironic the catholic suppression leading to bad
acts dually exists. Momentarily christopher and his girlfriend "or
friend" are coming over to put up mom's little christmas tree. Before I
was scolded by the cold irish fish when I said "I thought you put your
little tree on a table" she starts up with her cold tone of voice filled
with nothing but stress and it's meaning is "that's not now. I now have
what I need without you." The way mom said it, it sounded like Claire
corrected her and said she's just a friend. Mom's relaying of it sounded
exasperated with kids today. Enter how those on the main land has long since accustomed to this new way of living while those of us in the foreign land are clinging to dear life should we ever go astray in any way. I have to wonder how christopher gets
along with disregarded emotions and birthing brain damage left
unchecked. If only Claire could realize the oneness native lives are
with the utopia she preaches. Her utopia is out of a biblical translation
stemming from the catholic church in a land far away that supposedly
Jesus never came to the americas so they miss out on the one true god.
Riiiiiggghhtt. So christopher is driving 12 mph (12/12/17 - mom has since changed this to "5mph" in her conversations with people) on the highway so he's
not coming. I'm stuck here instead of the library today because of the
snow too because I will be better equipped with the stress of mom's plow
guy. I can't believe still his lack of customer skills with me and tone
of voice that I'm the problem. Flashback to the reputation of jocks. It
doesn't make this any easier. I may have seen him in the store the
other day. Did he see me using an electric cart? Does he have respect
for the disabled yet? Based on his quotes in the newspapers he doesn't
consider his cancer treatments disabling. Oh well I was in babble mode
and no one to babble to or with. I'll be in drinking mode in 2 hours as I
work on getting enough sleep for tribe activity tomorrow. The thought
of double socks (for cold weather) right now flashed Judy through my mind who I know from
Occupy and is from Cali and there is something completely gravitational
about her as if I knew her in another life. A really nice person pulled
into another raw deal of a NYS man. There's plenty of those stories
especially with a child involved like the Virginia woman who was lied to
by a visiting NYS man but child custody laws make many an out-of-state
woman victimized. Like I said when I met my one and only I didn't care
if I died at his hands. I found my way home. I wonder if he ever had
kids. I can picture his mother stating in her will that his convenient
wife is to benefit nothing. Precious Illusions? I think too much which
is why I need to stay busy with work. One thing I remember Judy saying
is her dad is much older than her mom. I remember wondering if that's
what was so unique about her. I was mega self conscious that I was
needing the man 12 years older than me but part of that self conscious
ness only festered due to the lack of validation in putting attraction
to practice aka "spinning ones wheels." ... 12/10/17 1:50 AM Hahahahaha
the dream team must be working on my love life! Lol.( I was going
around to many men doing a survey a lot like sarah jessica parker would
about their compatibility with me - or maybe I'm thinking of Jennifer
aniston- both of which remind me of the best friend I had 5th grade
through about 8th due to green/blue eyes and blondish hair. The love of
my life turned out to be my buddy with brain damage lol whereas the real
love of my life lol had a changed personality as if having brain
damage. How do I know this? Because my buddy would actually come with me
lol on these interviews being patiently loyal where I would be deeply personal with them in
lol all honesty of weeding out the ones who wouldn't work for me lol. It
all came down to how I looked at them in honestly letting them down.
I'm forgetting this dream fast but we covered a lot of physical territory through
walking to these men (I was able-bodied in the dream). Lol. Last night's dream I remembered when I saw
snow today. The dream had to do with mom and someone competent (not
Christine) visiting me up in snow country in upstate NY and having to
handle the snow and mom being out of her element with my choice of where
to live. Drinking 4loco at 1:48 am to aid getting back to sleep but
need to blow my nose this time of year ever since living downtown in
govt housing. I'm a witness and guinea pig to what the govt does. ... 12/12/17 The plow guy never came. I guess instead of listening to mom as "directions" on what to do he figured out that mom doesn't always know what she's talking about. Or maybe we'll never see him again? Or that there would be no reason to plow because of the temperature going up? Who knows but it was one less stressor for me. ... 12/13/17 So today it was all about sleep before leaving the house. Christopher never came to put up the tree when he said he would so we were left in a guessing game. In the past couple of years mom has been informed either from Aunt Maureen or Claire that the check in of boys and girls is very different. I wish someone would have informed her while we were growing up because it could have alleviated a lot of stress. Anyway, I finally had to take my shower and thought he would be gone by the time I emerged from the back of the house. Not. I didn't see them as I went to my room because my back was to them but I had to leave and my bags were right there. Christopher said hi and I said hi back. I guess it was me being introduced to his friend (who has a name that could easily be seen as an American Native name) that made me go through the usual run-down of not being fooled by what she sees (is not what she gets). Did I make a scene? Maybe to a person who's never met me before but this situation will not rest the way it is. I don't remember right now all that I said other than maybe the new person could teach something to "this old woman" and "the lies his mother is living in" and "we were all in this accident..." and "this all started because of medical care Christine is missing out on" which actually isn't true. It all started with Claire refusing to take me in when facing eviction from a nursing home - oh just to claim Senior Abuse to the place she tried to push me off to. Yeah right. I'll shut up when there is adequate attention given to this. I guess? Someone has got to be kidding me. ... 12/14/17 So today I decided I was going to cut myself off from stressing over the plow guy. I'm well aware that I have a personality away from Native America because I'm, of other things, too uptight. Where do I get this? Mom. This morning mom got the message that he called and all of a sudden felt there was an obligation to take care of it right then and there. Impatience. So I had to do my own thing and said "Well he didn't say to call him by a certain time" and she starts in with the usual "yeah but who knows" this and that and this and that and on and on. So it dawns on my that by the time I'm ready to leave the house her aid is going to come so she better tell him to come after her hour is up. Not good enough. Mom gets uptight, won't listen to me and is the loose single cannon she's been since my father died. In her antsy state she calls him and does not tell him all she needs to and I'm yelling from down the hall. He says he'll shovel in back of my car (duh! 1 half foot of snow behind my car is something that needs to be shoveled out. I probably could have drove over the amount of snow we received. duh!). He arrives and of course calls mom right away about moving my car and my mother tells him what she needed to tell him that I wouldn't be available to move my car. So he's stuck shoveling instead of plowing the driveway, rings the bell and has to wait for mom to get to the window just to be told he needs to come back later for payment. Brilliant! Brilliant how it all falls on the kids raised in the house because immigrants just don't seem the troublesome type? I tell mom she should have listened to me and she says it's best done before her aid arrives. The aid has a vehicle much more capable than mine in the snow. ... 12/16/17 I had a chance to die the other night. Sort of. There were too many people around that eventually I would have been discovered before death set in I'm sure in the single digit to subfreezing temps. The people that helped me didn't even know I had a problem until I mentioned it and security was busy on other business for someone to break away. In other news mom said for Christmas Claire is coming over and I was like oh great now where do I go on Christmas day and twiddle my thumbs? Mom said Claire said it was ok for me to be there and I semi-lost it at mom saying Claire could go back to the Surrogate's Court and fix this very wrong situation. Instead Christine has a bloody head on the driveway; still doesn't have the brace she needs; etc. Mom didn't say too much in defense. She knows I'm right? But I let her know she's the gatekeeper of the information. She's not going to say that to Claire. Oh but she may finally say to her she needs help in getting Christine a brace. Really! Really? In other news mom had me lose it at her when she did what she's done to these lives for 40 years with "you should have..." as I was telling her I have no one else so she's going to have to help me with my car. She was defensive with that. Yeah mom is trying on the new outfit of "you're on your own" when it's far too late for that and inappropriate for my/our handicapped lives. ... 12/17/17 EXACTLY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q5NJPYHJh0M the things psychiatry and psychology have a heyday with. ... words of wisdom: nah never mind. ... 12/18/17 So things I just wasn't remembering or into expanding upon is the having out with mom about one thing or another. One of these past days oh I know it was the day; forgot specifically but mom started up again about senior abuse and it was after I lost it at her for doing the same "should have done" and it sounded to me like it had something to do with her aid being there the day before that she's reverted back to this completely aloof about child abuse. I was on my way out when the aid came ok so it was the day with the shovel/plow situation. I told the aid where I was going up to the event with the tribe and she insinuated I'm going there for a man. Ha! So it felt good to be conversational and I dashed her guesses that it's not that. That I just don't feel attractive anymore and somehow I said I was with one for ten years and she asked where he is and I said oh it's the typical male who finds a woman and gets married and has kids and the one he's left behind is in a mess. So I think the more the aid talks to me the more she feels I'm able-bodied and not THAT bad. Enter that primal striking of a cord. Mom denied she had any such conversation with the aid and maybe that's true. Flashes of growing up and mom always invalidating me saying anything I come up with as being put in my head by someone else. As I'm older I realize that is her because that's just the nature of being an immigrant. ... 12/20/17 So the next situation in which I'm going to be taken advantage of and mom is just going to spend the money is the cell phone company who never recorded the replacement charger mom went in and got and could very well be within the year warranty as the first one was withing the year warranty. I asked him to scan the code for the date it left the store. STRESS. Now I have to look into having it scanned. Today (yesterday) was the second time I went in about replacing this second charger. From the getgo I was suspicious of the universal charger and sure enough it's more trouble than it's worth and will be just another invalidation of what sticking up for our rights is as money just pays for another one. Flashes of mom's new things found on the kitchen table of disability rights. HOLY SHIT BATMAN. Of all the battles I've been fighting for my disability rights while mom has said "I don't know why you are involved with those people!" and stuff like that. ... 12/22/17 So the other night mom was hating it without something to drink besides water. Shopping has been suffering due to my change in schedule. So as I'm sitting there doing my own thing mom says she needs to call the nursing service about shopping. I said "why do you keep saying that and not doing it?" Out of the blue Christine chimed in "Yes why don't you?" Mom's next comment I think was how she can't have a drink of Orange Juice when she wants and it was probably a hint that I use it too much with my vodka. So I repeated and Christine repeated only with more frustration. I think Christine verbalized her frustration yet again. A complete dis-service was done to Christine by the Morris County Surrogate's Court who never investigated why Claire was court ordered out of the house and this woman who lost a child (on an obvious occasion - no mention about the first one with the umbilical cord wrapped around it's neck) never received any help whatsoever. Oh I'm killing my own case by putting this out here? Well my case was never being taken care of so I'm just going to keep playing Russian Roulette with this situation not telling anyone and no one helping me ever? Christine goes through so much stress quietly because she's not being taken care of as far as evaluations. She probably doesn't know how to adequately verbalize it. To make matters worse her new counselor at shop has the same last name as a very prevalent last name in Northern NY where the disabled are left for shit and not verbalizing themselves because they can't afford to lose welfare. Like the Independent Living Center up there that laughed at me for "trying to fight city hall" when it's their job to do so. And they're all related for the most part. Wont take a step outside of that circle and trust. Oh and who set it up to have Christine lose the Medicaid(?) evaluator who was another professional who said there's no reason I can't be involved in her care and her shop should be taking care of it? So finally 3 counselors later and ALL THIS TIME and Christine says something to Nancy and Nancy says mom has to say that and not Christine. Oh just make it a medicaid problem so that the one person who FINALLY got Christine to say something is no longer on the case. Yeah riiiiggghht. That's how it goes. Maybe she's an undercover black magic bitch (oh did I make that a b instead of a w by chance? :) from upstate that just got a job here for the very reason of keeping track of the situation. It's very possible. ... #9 is why Claire tried to convince me how spiritually dangerous Japan is because she knew someone once who died from eating there https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=138&v=qd9oEhlyIKY. ... 10:50pm How fucking stupid was that? Just because I don't celebrate holidays and
have no life doesn't mean that's the case with everyone else. Thanks
for the kind reminder. That's the 8 ball I live behind and I just sunk
in the corner pocket. McDonalds is beginning to look a lot like
christmas. Or maybe I'll do dunkin like I did one other christmas....I'm
waiting to pass out. Waiting for the mind to stop or maybe I should say
"brain." ... 12/25/17 9:39 AM Trying
to trace everything. For the second time this morning mom talks about
calling the plow guy and for the second time I express my opposition but
relent saying at least listen to me this time about when he should
come. I went thru how she didn't listen to me last time and now he's
still waiting to be paid. Mom does her 40 year denial that there's no
problem and I lost it that that exact attitude is what got us in a mess
today. She may have then denied there's a mess. Eventually I pointed out
to her that if I wasn't here on days when she's stinking and needs
perfume (which probably happened long before I got back here) she would
insist there's no problem erroneously. Her attitude of no problem got us
in the messes we're in. Her attitude is another stark reminder (lost
thought). Anyway (lost thought). Taking shower and leaving here soon so
deniers can enjoy christmas without me. I don't do holidays anyway coz
jesus wasn't born on this date nor do bunnies lay eggs. My insistence of
living in reality. ... Came home to driving around town for (5?) times oh but then I wrote about this already that I felt like a stalker having to wait until I could go into a house that is (fill in the blank) ... 12/26/17 6:57 AM Dream
in 2nd round of sleep was - can't remember much but someone was helping
me pack for moving and the gray silver metal of the truck stood out and
the feeling of food being caught in 2 places in my teeth that wasn't
coming out. In waking life having some peace about a healing of mind
that entails understanding. Something done ongoing - actually it's too
early to be here. Zzzzzz. (Hopefully)... 9:38 AM No
I didn't sleep but eventually made coffee for us all. Aid is here early
so when everyone is done I take a shower. I'm down to the wire in
getting an inspection done and hopefully will fit both that and library
into my day. Perplexed how spatially challenged christopher may be. I
got home and when it was time for Vodka I saw the watermelon juice was
gone from its usual spot and only the oj and creamer were on the door
leaving more room than usual. I was blown away when mom said christopher
left the gingerale by the milk because there wasn't enough room on the
door. What??? Last night mom said Claire put salt on the driveway.
Where??? It was all ice when I pulled in after they left - feeling like a
stalker parked nearby waiting for them to leave so I can keep some
sanity walking into a house where the level of denial of lifetime
disability needs keeps us raped and at bay. Only brought to a higher
level by the morris county surrogate's court. And I could babble on... 12/28/17 12:29 AM In
dream got visit from woman I used to sit out with. As usual she was her
nice self (until she gets going). Something was happening that she
asked if I took pictures and I said no and she gave me a smug look and I
understood her silence and I said "no I have no money left to sue."
Have to wonder why she showed up in a dream out of the blue. Maybe coz
the recent tribe victory. She gives me a feeling she's not for their
cause. ... 2:48 AM It's
a drag still being awake 1.5 hrs later so I'm drinking myself back to
sleep. Maybe she was in my dream because of the tribe's victory. A
woman forever an insult telling me I'm wasting taxpayer money by
pursuing the surrogate's court. Clueless that liars are the wasters of
tax payers in the court system. Maybe she saw me using a wheelchair
because my back is that bad. I can remember living downtown and 2 girls
(bad girls from high school) entered my dreams out of the blue. One I never spoke to and her brother was
in my grade. The other bad girl I THINK was one of my tormentors who,
from what I can tell, went on to become a nurse which makes sense based
on the Mayo clinic rehab she went away to in high school. Before getting
involved in the drug crowd she became fast friends with my childhood
friend whom I was "don't let the door hit you on the way out" happy to
get rid of once I made TRUE friends from the play. None of my friends
were in my grade. Those were the last years I felt like I made friends.
Had the best time with kevin's friends after senior prom but I
supposedly said something off-putting to her that I have NO IDEA what
that was all about. Time to try to sleep. ... after going through "new" light in the neighborhood: FUCK!!!!! As I was driving towards the railroad tracks that I could have died on one recent winter because the ice on the hill slid me down to the tracks (no fucking train! - just my luck) well today I was distracted by a new forsale sign on the road and it fucking distracted me that I did like we used to always do around here of rolling over the tracks and making a right. Fuck! They now have a light there with a camera and you have to stay stopped until the light turns green. Fuck! DON'T MAIL ME A TICKET BECAUSE IT WAS JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS THAT I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS DOING UNTIL I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TURN AND I WON'T GET THE TICKET UNTIL ABOUT 2 MONTHS FROM NOW (which most likely will be past the traffic court date) AND MY BLOOD SUGAR WAS NEEDING FOOD. GO CHECK AT THE DUNKIN' DRIVE THROUGH I WENT TO! Don't ticket me! I don't know why I did that! I guess because I was distracted by the sign and I could quite clearly see there were no traffic (vehicle or pedestrian around). PLEASE don't send me a ticket! ... 12/29/17 Pictures taken of distracting sign. Not that it would do me any good if I miss the notice for traffic court. ... oh yeah and so "another one bites the dust." The newest social worker that came over is leaving. Mom didn't ask why. I'll have to forward the email I sent to her to Danielle. Always document disappearances - like the place I used to sit for the wifi with small chairs in which I had a picture taken against my will and suddenly it was closed down to become a bagel/deli place. Today's social worker got the same mouthful from me but in a different light because it wasn't a social worker for me. ... earlier: 7:57 AM Moderator (MODERATOR IS TYPO)
people in my dreams. I have to remember who was in round 1 but in round
2 I was being walked through a very populous town and told the landlady
is now divorced and has a girlfriend. And the house was sold. In that
dream my lawyer at one point was driving and at a certain point held his
hand out the window waving to some people as he is popular with the
people. His hand was shaped on a certain way making a shape of the hand cupping up and three fingers up: the pinky, the pointer, and the thumb (from memory). ....
I had 3rd dream of someone else but it faded quickly as anger set in
that mom's goings on woke me up. It sounded so bad that I yelled out
what's wrong and christine said nothing that I knew it was in response
to mom. Then mom tries telling Chris to stop and I yell out for mom not
to start. ...12/30/17 9:02 AM I
guess it was my 4th non-alcohol induced sleep that Maria and ? were in a
brief dream. I slept about 7 hrs when I woke around 5am. I had a few
sleeps after that and in the latest one I was sitting looking across at 2
people in which I knew one was maria but there was a person blocking
the view of them and as the person started to turn out of the way I saw a
male that I was afraid I might not recognize as kevin based on my brain
damage symptoms. I also am clueless when it comes to ages. He had a
full head of reddish brown hair, not the afro type of kevin's white
college roommate but full like that. The hair color was more like having red streaks blended in on top. As I sat there trying to
differentiate whether it was him or his son he spoke and I knew it was
his son because it was a higher pitched froggy sound which is
characteristic of adolescence. End of dream. Woke up 8:08 am which was
late for Christine to still be in bed but they went at a function last
night and got home almost ten. ... 12/31/17 9:35 AM Me
and mom just had it out starting with the wheelchair bumping into the
wall. She went on about it and I said home modification. She did not
take to that well so I did the run-down of everything. She starts her
latest outfit of living in the past and I drive home a lifetime
disability and statute of limitations and that my brain injury counselor
never lost a court case and my godmother telling her I was in one of
the best schools wasn't good enough for her to believe I wasn't in the
middle of east bumfuck. THAT'S WHEN SHE SOUNDED WORRIED ABOUT HERSELF
and started in about living in the past. My statute of limitations
explanation went out the window and she just stayed running in her
circles. I let her know I once heard a teenager(?) talk to her
grandmother like this in the store late at night and it SUCKS. I let her
know the harrassment she is because it's clear I'm not getting out so
for 4 years she's had to get me out (and shut the fuck up!). She tried
to deny the lack of peace I grew up in with her always saying about
moving back to NYC. When she said about moving CHRISTINE FINALLY SPOKE
UP AND SAID "WHEN???" as usual I'm not able to capture the true essence
of this mobile. ... 1/1/18 1:16 PM So
dinner for new years Eve was Chinese delivery and when something
unedible had to be taken out of my mouth I gave it a look in the dim
light and thought it was maybe a stem of something but today I see it's a
piece of cut metal. Knowing the legal oblivion we are left to I wasn't
even going to mention it to mom and sure enough when I did I got the
inquisitive, somewhat concerned look but that is all as I laid out the
legal apathy she's been in our legal needy lives. And all Claire was
brainwashed to think was the citing of the bible of those who waste time
in the courts. Claire an insurance money-saver dream come true. A good
adherer to the Rothschild family. Something is working for christine
bcoz she made yet another objection to mom's ways this morn. However she
let mom defeat her this afternoon when mom started badgering about the
gameshows Chris was watching so Chris turned off the tv mid-show.
Yesterday I pointed out to mom her harassment of me but it's actually
us. Now mom is left to get the mail all by herself. I told her to take
the hand warmer with her and she refused. ... 1/2/18 Yeah ok as I'm leaving the house mom is asking pat guide where the children of her deceased Italian mama friend moved to. Right so Pat Guide exists after mom got the doors in the house changed so that what we had to grow up in is no longer evident. I guess that's the definition of a narcissist that this woman had the eggs to say to my face that they moved out of their mother's house because the memory of their mother was too upsetting. FUCKING DAH! That's what pictures are for. Pictures of Farah Fawcett, Charlie's Angels, Shaun Cassidy, and a black and white boy I don't recognize are on my Google+ stream. Witnesses of which Ace Ventura was and pulled the same drug addict behavior as Judge Deanne M. Wilson. Yep. All the years I brought up to mom about my dead sister's room she would have some defense that people's things are people's things. * smh * The other day she gave me a look of "how dare you?" as the social worker for her was there and I let it be known that our father's money is being needlessly spent when it doesn't have to be and needs to protect us instead. Mom's new outfit of "how dare you?" Falsely empowered by people who are being given half the information. ... laughter as I realize how slow on the uptake I am and rereading "pieces of pieces" and I still don't (or can't "read"/understand) being "stared down" recently. I just can't piece it together. Was it a clue that my blog is part of the evidence? I'm amused and confused. Funny how I was just looking up "abstract reasoning" knowing that that's been one of my test weaknesses even though patterns are included in it. ... I'm still screwed if I have a ticket waiting for me over 200 miles away. ... 1/3/18 So today I copied all numbers given to mom by the social worker the other day and when mom caught on to what I was doing I said not in a million years is this getting pinned on me when we needed these things long ago. Mom denied ever saying many things including getting someone there would be someone from the cities of NJ and that she ever said the lie about the bread/deli. She pinned that one on dad and in the fantasies of her mind it was dad that told me that. Yeah these lies and negligence are exhausting. Oh and funny how she used the word "fantasy(ies)" on me. That was actually surprising to hear given her catholic guilt. I reminded her that she must have since remembered about the locks on the refrigerator she used to threaten Christine with because she doesn't say no to that anymore. Just refresh the memory. That's all. ... 1/6/18 10:21 AM Dream:
I was too tired to record it when I woke but still have memories. Just
like my Meatloaf / SU dreams were telling me of changes to the law
library so this dream is telling me of changes to potsdam. The dream
ended with me just sitting on the street corner soaking in the
surroundings of the posh colorful part of campus that was only made possible with a
grant. I was sitting in the dorm section of town looking at the tallest dorm which was 5 stories high and I contemplated all the lives living
there. At one point a bunch of students surrounded me as if they were
all in the same class and I still just sat there when they left. This
was a long dream in the 3 hr time frame I was asleep. Earlier in the
dream I was just sitting in one of the expensive academic buildings
soaking in what students were doing at least in the hallways and some desks were in the hallways the students were hanging around. When I woke I realized the
connection of the times I used to sit out in my car in potsdam in frigid
temps. One of those nights Wentworth or actually Daniels woke me up
saying "drinking eh?" and I said "no" - my whole motive being that with
how much I was being ignored at being employed, are they paying
attention now??? From that time I met my Sicilian friend who lived above
the store I parked in front of. We spoke the night he had some
emergency there that I don't remember. That was a friendship that just
seemed to go away. He chose to do some things with his life I didn't
agree with because of its affect on other people. That by no means is the reason we lost touch. It didn't help. He shouldn't take me
seriously as a friend. I'm a true and loyal friend but I have
developmental issues in the way. When I told him about my life he
understood the profound hardship that was placed on my mother as an
immigrant. That didn't do much for me in truely understanding the
inappropriateness of our mother being left in charge of us in this
country. Anyway something is happening in potsdam just like my dreams
were telling me changes were happening at SU law library. ... 1/7/18 4:50 AM
Still
awake near 3:45am after round 1 but feeling too sickly for round 2.
Technically yesterday christopher and his friend came to take the tree
down. I was confused as to why I didn't hear her but have since pieced
it together. Christopher called mom when he was leaving his place and
mom asked "1/2 hour or hour?" Mom was then difficult on what the answer
was. I had drifted asleep so I'm thinking they were over the hour bcoz
when I looked at the time they must have been an hour late. I heard his
friend say "do you need help?" and I heard christopher's usual somewhat
garbled response. I then only heard mom and christopher. Turns out his
friend waited downstairs. This is either christopher's patriarchal
tryout, her avoidance as taught by Claire, or something else. When I
spoke to her that day I did get a sense of Claire syndrome of staying
sweet sounding and aloof because nothing really matters - this world is
passing away - although that's not totally it. She said Ok that she'd read my blog. Did she? All of this could have been avoided had christopher been
on-time the first time and I would have been gone from the house or not present and we would have
never crossed paths. The rape of our lives has a need to be addressed and I'm unable to. I have no choice but to keep company with
mom's toxic negativity and that's more than anyone in my shoes should be
forced to handle. This blog wouldn't exist had judge Deanne M. Wilson
done her job after witnessing truth and cristina Accardi-Mirda and Steven J.
Straub not assissted mom and Claire with lying in court. ... 1:33 PM It's
a don't think just drink day. I'll be starting soon. Mom is wasting
more of dad's money to support her fear she doesn't know what the
parking lot will be like at christine's handicapped activity. She got
the car svc to take them. Flashes of aunt theresa saying "you'll be
taken care of." Flashes of yesterday mom newly referring to Stephanie's
room as "that room" but referring to Claire's room as "your mother's old
room." Yesterday I heard one of mom's friends from the irish catholic
group on the phone say "your daughter will have to drive!" What did that mean?
Flashes of the recent senior cntr I was at and the movie of the girl
whose grandmother keeps her locked in the basement while her friends
have no idea of grandma's abuses yet they coax grandma to protect
herself from abuse. Mom even pulled that with me one day of referring to
stephanie's room as "that room." As if! Should have gotten help years
ago for the sake of the children left in this house. I didn't hide it
from mom either. Go fix your lies. ... 1/11/18 Ah some perspective today of gossip and rumors and those type things I ignore and remain oblivious to! So yesterday's dream was leaving me fleetingly as I woke up. I THINK it was my father's sister but I didn't know if she was dead or alive. I heard her talking to me and there was a lot of stress and I needed to get a task done. When I woke and realized it was just a dream the stress went away. Whatever the subject matter she was talking about it was very emotional. Simply because of where I've only known her to live when alive, the ocean or blue was involved. Today's dream had a very rare appearance of my one and only and it was a somewhat indifferent feeling of "yeah well she's an independent woman" and there were cardboard boxes to the dream that were empty and the boxes being broken by beting stepped on I'm not sure if that was my mind anticipating or thinking of that happening or if it was really happening in reality. End of dream. Yesterday we inquired about a service mom's social worker said I qualified for and it was the same 40 year history where when mom was left to explain it, it was a little dance around the facts. I was too late in the phone call to hanging up to just say what my name is, the insurance that qualifies me, the physical situation that qualifies me AND my childhood brain injury (overlooked) is part of the disability. There was an original question as to my qualifications because of my age. Flashes to the fact I've been living since my 20s how mom is now living in her 70s and 80s. My god! And all mom could do in explaining how I qualify is that I was in a wheelchair "and should be eligible." Unbelievable. So I did tell mom that "oh because Christine has a brain injury that is obvious you would mention that but not for me." ... 1/17/18 11:57 AM Flashbacks of
mom making out to pat guide that I didn't need to use the wheelchair I
was using. The plowing has been finally done right for the second time
and I told mom what her fatal flaw is that she just can't tell him how
much pain I'm in. I risk falling while getting out there to clean my
car off in a hurry which I can't do anymore. I said that's also what
happened in me getting a service I'm entitled to - she's known me since I
got home from the hospital I don't cook but she can't tell them that so
my father's money I'm guessing goes to waste while me and christine are
left with this woman. Earlier mom was cold to Chris about putting
something away so that Chris was subjected to toxic negativity that she
did something wrong and reacted accordingly but there's still a calmer
reaction that I can see since I finally was able to get her in touch
with right people. If the morris county surrogate's court will not do it's job
Chris doesn't deserve to be given up on. Mom has taken Chris to many a
catholic healing Mass over the years that have done nothing. ... 1/18/18 So mom needs to use the ovum god gave her and orate how much pain I'm in. I don't understand what part of I'M IN PAIN she doesn't understand. She's spending more money for all these needless other things. Here's something needed. Whatever. Another person is getting under my skin (in a very bad way). It feels like one of those situations that I'm going to become explosive when I can't take it anymore but that is rare since learning from a brain injury counselor what the outcome of my particular injury is. Contributing to shit I have no control over and is a whirlwind. On the other hand I'm not in as vulnerable a state as I used to be. Waiting for life to end really gives peace with a lot. I notice me doing more with Chris calmer but I need to keep control over that. I see it all too clearly how mom just falls into this "all is ok now. See nothing's wrong." Somewhere in this blog I talk about how Claire got her in that unhealthiness of unreality by "just talk to her" instead of mom taking (medical) responsibility. Mom is still on her own. Chris needs to be properly dealt with in the court but in the meantime (or as many would say "it's not going to ever happen dreamer!") this is my own thing for her. ... and this morning Christine was off based on "stuff." I was up first so she asked me what time it was and I said 6:?? and she said "what day is it?" and I said "Thursday. You were home yesterday because of the snow." I don't think it was a matter of arbitrary confusion. I think she was like that because of the change in her getting out. She's not used to me taking her out. Just like when I got back here 5(?) years ago, Christine used to get up on days she was off and think it was a work day. I set her off - just my presence - or it could be something else in which her environment changes. At least she has total protection when environmental change causes her mishaps. I suffer the same to a different degree and I have no protection and understanding is only by the very few. Flash to one of the doctors I went to here where I left in tears for how he made me feel. He was supposed to be a brain injury specialist but not really because he didn't believe me about how the medications are not all encompassing cures and he thought me frivolous the fact I drove across the country. I thrived in different environments but the big picture question is how that takes away from my overall functioning - as is how all came out as we can see now. ... 1/19/18 11:12 AM I just lost it at mom. She refuses to insist on a hearing
aid. She didn't hear the car beeping outside nor could she hear me until
I was screaming as loud as I could. Same shit happened as I recorded
here, the day claire was on the phone and she held out the phone (making a point that claire is right about my screaming?) yet
the whole reason I was screaming is because she couldnt hear christine who
was barricaded from coming in the garage. Then she does her newest
childishness of telling me to shut up. Who left us in this burden?
Flashes of Christine not understanding a conversation that involved
police so Chris thought it was all good and it totally wasn't. ... just
went to the bathroom and as is always the case, a good thing doesn't
last in this house or truth is told under only clashing conditions. It
was the opportunity on my way back to tell mom "anything I do with
christine is for her benefit only. The only way you'd benefit is to get
your ass to the surrogate's court and fix this." Finally mom's feel-good
spell is broken. These spells keep her away from reality. The other day
mom said "well you probably won't be happy with me but so and so is
coming here on ..." The first part of her sentence indicates her
aloofness. She takes these fights as me "not being happy with her." omg! I
can't quite put that into words right now. Now things are silent in the
house and I not only wish I knew mom's thinking but I'm entitled to know
since our whole future was cut short by it. There is mass transit in my
head whenever there is explosiveness like this. I'm glad Chris wasn't
around for this. I probably have more to say on this. Now mom is in her
usual mode calling her dentist and they have no clue what transpired
here a few minutes ago. She was on the phone with her dentist because
she can't find the referral among her clutter. As I been saying she's
only now living in her 80s how I been living since my 20s. ... 1/20/18 9:24 AM Can't
remember the dream but last night during round 1 of sleep the landlord
who was the beginning of the end for me was in it. These dreams the universe is
letting me know about seems (this time) to involve the person getting
under my skin. That's how bad feelings work. I just couldn't always
recognize them and still don't to a degree. Flashes to mom saying to the landlady " well if you are
(raising a baby?) then you should know what it's like to have medical
problems!" - paraphrase. As the anxiety builds over this I feel the
sense of either "don't worry. Someone will protect you this time" or
don't worry - another drink will add another nail to my coffin that I
plan to be in soon. There are multiple reasons why I'm not taking Chris
out this weekend and she was disappointed and when she started to
tantrum I kept my physical distance and set her straight as she goes
through the same mechanical tantrum and I end with "this is what you get when you
listen to mom and lie to Cris Mirda that you don't want me involved in
your care." Mom started in with her weak defense and I said how Chris
just told me to shut up same as mom today. Gee where is she getting
that? Should I send this msg yet? ... 1/22/18 1:56 AM Something's
wrong. I'm not sleeping. Slept for an hour at 6 and slept just now for
an hour. There go my plans for tomorrow. Dream just now was mother and
daughter with long blondish (actually light brown) hair with same exact long length and style in which mother handed adult daughter 2
pics of a baby she had that died(?) adopted(?). The mom apogized I think for not
telling her about it and they both were crying. I was the daughter and
as I took the pics I separated them wiping some water from them onto my
shirt(?). Soon after waking had freakshow happen. I remember I suddenly
couldn't sleep when landlady who ruined my future was in the house.
Person under my skin is guilty of something or started a series of
events that they might not be involved in anymore but the only comfort I have is I'm waiting to die. I can tell by the way some students have been acting toward me.
I'll be protected this time? ... 2:35 AM Onto the drink combination I know will have
me feeling sick. The only time post accident I slept like a normal
person was in my first apartment. Unprecedented I would sleep unaided
within 20 minutes of going to bed and I was in a not-worry mindset which
turned out to not be good for keeping watch over my person. I keep
having these fleeting feelings to not worry because the tables are
turned now. Someone is taking care of all the harrassment I've been
through but I suffer precious illusions just like after our fallout the
other day mom was suddenly snapped back to her old self. Flash to her
saying a clueless "well you're probably not going to be happy with
me..." I'm really not looking forward to drinking myself back to sleep.
Major embarassment from christine the other day who is most likely being
coaxed by her services that cops are a good thing. So much damage done
to me out in the world. So much scarring. Wondering what everyone's
impression of christine was but not dwelling too much on it as all I
been saying was met in real life.. going to try not to drink. Going to
be a long night. ... 3:48 AM still awake 2 hours later. Resuming drinking but that won't do much for
my ass being that cleaning lady will be here at 9. Still wide awake and
this Vodka will do nothing for me. I wonder how outwardly nice people
can carry bad things with them. john's mother knew right away she was
trouble when I said she's a southern belle. Or maybe it was her
preconceived prejudice. I know brain damage can give a bad aura but
isn't that the very place soul and spirit come together? Not drinking
enough. There goes all my plans for the day even though my bleeding was
pretty much less days this time and last time it was less than the first. ... 2:40 PM Got
up to use the bathroom 4:15am and woke before alarm went off at 5.
Slept another hour and woke. Slept yet another hour and woke. Cleared stuff
for cleaning and drifted in and out of sleep on the couch until I could
return to bedroom. Slept another hour and a half until mom coming home
woke me. Crazy night. Took shower after being indoors for days so I can
ensure my sleep meds. Will be leaving to get them soon. Have to contend
with rain tomorrow if all goes as planned. In that case d'n'd coffee
because it won't spill as much in a bag. It will be too warm for a coat
so probably use umbrella which is not easy. Damn phone just woke mom. As
of late we haven't been getting the harrassing 1/2 ring as much. Last
we got it was maybe a week ago. ... 9:30 PM Haha.
Claire received something in writing from nurses in proving something
about her being alternate or part caregiver to christine. For the most part nurses rock. (There could be no connection other than my precious illusions). Let's watch
this all unravel. Claire immediately started talking about how she's got to go to the doctor (for
herself) and complained how the wait is SO long. I have to wonder if she
has more than one diagnosis but either way this is her exit from caring
for christine. I see right through her and (forgot what else). 1/23/18 Sleep didn't happen as easily as it should have. As I left to pick up dinner because I was going to the liquor store I reminded mom out of the blue how she's living in her 70s and 80s how I've been living since my 20s. No response. ... oh yeah and an interesting soul I could have had a more meaningful conversation with presented themselves today. I'm just not into it I guess or maybe I'm so far behind I don't know what to do. I'm pretty much always wondering who's putting me to the test. I don't know how I got off on that streak. Probably Potsdam-related PTSD. Passed up a nice guy opportunity? Don't know. Eh there's always another nail in my coffin to look forward to as I sound ever more disturbing. ... 1/25/18 3:58 AM Woke
at 12:44am and still awake at 4am even with adequate etoh. Time for
more. That's what happens when a can of worms is opened by foolishness. ... So last night was heartbreaking that Christine can't remember some very important things of the past and mom's influence has to do with it. I again asked Chris today if she remembers sitting on the floor in the kitchen in her able-bodied knee days bouncing a ball or whatever else she would do on the floor and she said no. What started this last night was Christine pointing out Claire's dog after I pointed out a dog on the TV with similar ears to my dog. to be continued... Yeah so with all the stress I have, how fitting to have even more stress by someone who can't simply ask me or talk to me. Yep fucking stress. So anyway I assume memories went with major changes to the house. Chris can remember the popcorn popper we had since the 70s but can't remember the days she would sit on the kitchen floor and my brand new dog was fascinated by her curly head of hair and play with her which is all part of what brought Chris out of her shell. Me and my ex both noticed it and just my luck he would have to be subpeoned which I don't have any money left to do anything. Today when mom's aid was pointing out how normal I seem I eventually asked her if she googles and she said yes so I gave her 3 words to google and she can find out the different injury outcomes from the different parts of the brain: brain, damage, right. I hope she does so that the rape of my life is not in vain. Mom manipulates Christine into having her do what is best for mom. I reminded Chris again that that's why she is not going to Kessler to get better because she can't tell mom no and she followed mom to tell Cris Mirda she doesn't want me involved in her care. Today I asked mom if she learned from Claire the outcome of the caregiver letter she got and mom said she didn't know and when I asked further mom's response had me say about how oh what's this? that now Claire is the one answering to this in court and not mom? Just more bullshit. Flashback to the only landlord I dealt with was her and the one who went to the administrative hearing was him. Completely unbalanced. Who knows - maybe I recently pissed someone off that can have spiritual consequences. I totally don't think I've recorded all that was supposed to be here. Oh ok so mom went off on her new spree today with the aid around about me getting out and I said yeah it's been 4 years you been saying that - how about you do something about it and knock off the harassment. I heard her after she showered saying about how in your younger days you don't think about certain things. Bingo! She knows. She is just harassing us. ...
1/26/18 6:21 AM Nice
dream. Made me laugh when I woke just like the aniston/what's-her-name
interview dream. I don't remember who my crew was but we all took off
from and landed in the city of Syracuse to the space shuttle. There was no travel/trip. It was as if we were beamed up and back and upon being back we were standing in a circle talking about the experiments we did. In
preparation we had to submit a $10,000 proof of purchase or something on
paper entitling us to $10,000 lead (pronounced "led") shoes. All other uniform was less
expensive. Lead shoes stood out in importance. In waking life I remember
a coworker using the phrase lead balloon and I had to ask her what it
meant. It was over how things went when her daughter once brought home a
man the age of her husband. That job was the only plus for me in NYS. A
boss who is proof a staunch politician and me can peacefully coexist.
He not only insisted on having the employment agency call me back every
season but he always had me laugh by blindsiding me with his words. Had a
real good time every season. Nothing but fond memories and I wonder if
he knew my name in the insurance industry. Maybe not. Could have all
just worked that way. When I drove across the country I had to tell the
agency I wasnt available and I never heard from them again. I did
connect with my boss on facebook. As time went by without FB I had to
wrack my brain as to his name. I did retrieve his name. If this dream
had to do with any of this that would make sense because I heard the
agency mentioned on tv last night. I also remember he has ties with the area of the place I'm very active with lately. ... 6:37 AM Once
I asked that boss if he knew Mighty Mouse McGee and he completely
unknowingly/innocent said yes calling him by his first name and I let
him know mcgee was the first time in my life that I was arrested. Mcgee
having a drop-dead-gorgeous wife pulling shit only mighty mouse is
capable of. I didn't say this last sentence to my boss. Just sayin. ... 7:10 AM Forgot
what I was going to put here as I was taken aback the below email
didn't go thru yet but that could be a time of day thing. I better send
this now in case my signal goes out. ... 11:41 AM Forgot
what I was going to put here as I was taken aback the below email
didn't go thru yet but that could be a time of day thing. I better send
this now in case my signal goes out.... oh yes I had Flashbacks to -
lost it again. ... Flashbacks to something and it was in the train of
thought about the one and only experience in NYS that treated me like a
human being ... 12:24 PM Got
it. It was about the lead. I know lead to stop radiation such as
burying madam curry in a lead coffin. I had Flasbacks to when the
careless bville student rammed my car in potsdam and I had to be checked
out at the hospital and I said I had pain in my jaw and the young male
technician never gave me a covering for my reproductive region in the
xray room. Women really are made into a mockery in northern ny. I
remember when I had to go to the ER in the Adirondacks I had to ask the
young male to leave the room while I got undressed and it was sort of a
rolling of the eyes with held back laughter on the part of both the men
and the women as they looked at each other and the male left the room.
The women back down to the men for the most part. Maybe things have changed there. Who knows. ... 1/31/18 1:38 AM As
an afterthought it's possible I was being surveyed by the student on
her laptop next to me the night of 1/30/18. Was the camera on with the
laptop pointed my way? This is what happens when incompetence gets under
your skin in a bad way. I have no protection and I certainly have no
trust for someone I suspect they tried to forward a msg on my phone as they were
snooping. Didn't think I picked up on that did ya? It's possible they did forward the message. I'm going to have to look into that. Get to read about my reputation being ruined? Check to see and find out my history deleted? Suddenly sitting next to me for no particular reason. One of these days it will all blow over. Don't be up to no good with me. ... 2/1/18 It could be over the top about the laptop and it could be that as I was there for hours and getting tired paranoia set in which is what happens as one becomes more tired. Paranoia is also what happens when you're feeling harassed by someone who preaches against harassment. I think the phrase is "the pot calling the kettle black."... Gee "the totality of the case" - would have loved to hear Judge Wilson utter such words but oh it's only family court: https://www.northjersey.com/story/news/passaic/wayne/2018/01/31/judge-tosses-key-evidence-case-wayne-mom-keri-barry-accused-killing-her-newborn/1082403001/. Wilson didn't consider totality of anything so Christine now has multiple unresolved issues that could be resolved easily with me in her care. yep. ... 2/2/18 9:38 AM Dream:
me and christine were walking around yellowstone with our guide to
where we were going to stay. We were walking on dirt roads Chris with
her crutch and me unaided and they were sort of
mountainous and our guide pointed out "Josh groban lives over there and
neil diamond lives over there..." he pointed out another artist in the
area but I don't remember who. We were walking on wide open dirt road
that crossed another so that it was 4 corners and it was all semi hilly. It was a wide open area that I could see the 2 roads crossing and extending in directions. I have a feeling this dream would be another universe communicator because I don't dream about out west. Just like the dream out west that I was driving down a steep hill so steep that I went into free fall and in waking life learned a soul from Florida left this life falling free fall down the Grand Canyon(?). Flashback to opposing counsel from NJ asking me about my dreams insinuating they would indicate I'm a psychiatric case like Obsessive Compulsive or something like that. That is what started me on this recording of dreams. Not that I have to or should but just that the lax of our court system would cling to those untruths. ... 2/13/18 A lot of shit going on but as far as Christine, I stayed local yesterday and went out for one thing, upon coming back I hear Christine making a lot of noise upstairs and it turns out she almost lost her balance coming out of the elevator. I told her THAT'S why she has to do her exercises everyday (because as the muscles go back to being weak that will happen more often). This is something mom is not explaining to Christine nor is it something mom wants to deal with. Something ignored by the family court of Morris County. Today mom actually wanted me to help her with one of the blockades she put up for me but it was actually a life flash of the care we NEVER belonged being left with. The same old shit is getting old. ... and oh yeah as mom needed to call about banking she was waiting for me to be out of the room - thinking I was out of earshot I guess? Irish paranoia left to run loose in the US of A while medical needs of children are just left untended to. ...
2/14/18 8:27 AM Feeling cold and abandoned. Just played for mom the way cult videos & she acted like a child. ... 3:25 PM I
had forgotten I sent the record of this morning. Timing was just right
because just now mom was talking personal as if to Claire. Claire asked how
christine is. SHOCK!!! then I hear what sounded like Claire dealing with
more stuff of christine and paperwork. Oh ok Claire needs to have some
involvement of the life handed solely to her. Recently I wanted to watch
a show I used to watch maybe as a preteen and it turns out to be a show
Chris likes. I could sense her interest and mom wasn't pleased (because
it shows even more of my involvement in christine's life?). So we watch it
every night I'm home and I started getting Chris to do so independently.
Throughout the years I've had Flashbacks to the scene of "hey yuri why
don't you go to a cliff - an drop off" and war starting or chaos ensuing. That's
an example why I do not expend any energy on this north korea scare.
It's only mind terror or a moneymaker or both. ... 2/15/18 2:42 AM Sleep
is more of a challenge now. Yesterday had 4 four locos to get enough
sleep. So far tonight have 3 hours accomplished with dream about
administering magnetic therapy to a college class. But now I've had
round 2 at almost 2:30am and most likely will need round 3 soon. That
means problems are brewing for me. (Fast forward to 3PM today and the problems brewing is the intrusive harassment of Yahoo. How Ironic that now Yahoo has been taken over by Verizon all these cumulative harassing things are happening. This time it's the simple dirty deed done dirt cheap of taking away how I do my work. All work DONE can not be seen because yahoo - in search mode - has made unavailable the ability to mark an email as read AND the preview pane is not available in that mode. Harassment 'r' Us). This is how Claire's biblical
interpretation is ALL WRONG. Ones being kept awake at night are PREYED
UPON and are not the doers of evil plan acts. Lately the 80s shows have
me LAUGHING at my present situation. I think it's true "HUH?" and "hey
hey hey" are tainting the present but Nell Carter was COMPLETELY
forgotten about! Lololol. Will have to go for round 3 soon. Gotta pee
now and will probably waste another hour trying to sleep. ... 3:37 AM The
magnetic therapy dream is tied to my Vietnam war veteran friend / neighbor who
I found out doesn't suffer bouts of depressive isolation from Vietnam
at all but rather how Y2K was all a big lie. I learned this from his
young friend who assisted me with taking pictures of the bruises left
on me by a man that gave me a night of terror with bruises and trying to
break my cell phone by smashing it with his hands (unsuccessfully)
after moving me to an aptmt after the Massachusettes/NY welfare fraud
landllady left me with no electricity or hot water. The Vietnam friend
would give me the magnetic block to sit on while his other friend
verbally seduced me. I never saw it coming. Just another situation of
getting laid while I can. How does the song go? If you can't love the
one you want love the one you're with? I'm so awake but I'm going to
throw up at some point from all the alcohol. Haven't done round 3 yet.
Not looking forward to it. This fucking twerp creep that has done me
ill. Why? Why? What ever. ... 5:53 AM I've
had round 3. Not passing out. Saw on late night tv about how " it's
hard to be a Jackson." Feeling sick and awake. Realized the unreality
sometimes thru tv that keeps our lives going. What else? Realizing the
latest railroading of me being done by yet another(s) who has a support
system thru immigration. Will the wise one save me? ... 3:55pm So I wound up throwing up twice today. I wish I had done so in the shower to save a sink from getting clogged with vomit. Eventually that will happen. Life really sucks and is hurtful when you feel like you're misunderstood and fucking harassed as a result especially by people that you consider like family. I was all alone when I was being harassed in Potsdam. When the people behind the internet scene were telling people they "talked" to me when rather they either pretended to be someone online or simply read all my information and relayed to someone they "talked to me" or I "told them." All guesses of what took place to me. I never belonged cut-throat and had no idea that's what I was left to. All to be passed as arbitrary by Judge Deanne M. Wilson, Cristina Accardi Murda, and Steven J. Straub from Norrie and Associates. Just so Steven could move on to a better job in NY. Yep. Fuck-o-Rama. ... DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME?? I'M BEING FUCKED! DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME? Could all those Russia views of this blog have anything to do with it? 45 views today from Russia with only 3 in the United States. Every once in a while Russia will have many views of my blog. ... and a piece of my mind i gave them:
Imagine a family in a tragic car accident where there is a fatality and multiple injuries that include head injuries. One of those head injured is not only a minor but easily influenced without proper diagnosis of their brain damage from the accident. The Way took this person in making clear to them they are healed by the matter of choice totally omitting that "choice" is intricate in the damage to the brain. There were other minors involved in this accident and they lost out on the needed medical and legal rights for life because of The Way International. The Way is correct about The Trinity, I believe, but if only you understood the long-term lives destroyed by The Way. She went to The Rock in Ohio and then flew out to Oregon where it is clear her problems with "surrounded environment" remained undiagnosed. Read more at my blog starting with my unsuccessful go fund me page at www.gofundme.com/some-justice." at https://plus.google.com/+thebereancall. ... Oh yes and I forgot, the other day mom was talking about jury duty and how she got out of it mentioning she has a handicapped child (DEFINITELY IS NOT A FIRST AT USING CHRISTINE AS A SCAPEGOAT) and I could tell it was Aunt Maureen because mom used her infamous "that's OK!" with the tone of voice of "it's no big deal!" So mom was relaying the story of how she got a letter for jury duty just recently and relaying how she got out of it in the past. However Aunt Maureen was giving out to mom, she needed to have done so long ago. AM is only asking questions now about this odd behavior??? But no one is doing anything about what mom does anyway. Today the aid was here and as Christine stepped back to sit down I saw her knee snap and at one point this morning she said how she again almost lost her balance. Today they went out to eat with Claire. I have to wonder if Claire was a witness of Christine falling today. ... 2/18/18 2:34 AM Stress
sweat and Kit kat bar patterns noted. Mental note taken sometime
previously about someone talking another's business completely
inappropriately and they should know it based on confidentiality. Like I
said, when I was skinny and sexy lots of people watched my ass - I,
however, ALWAYS watch my ass. An irony happened via copper wires but that
could be universe airwaves. ... 4:23 AM Still
awake 2 hours after round 3. Onto round 4 soon. And what's brewing is
probably a whole lot of misdirected pissed off america. Nice fucking mess made by the
fucking young and unknowing. As said by my Harlem NYC friend one time, "I can say that coz I'm black. You can't say that because you're white" in regards to what was so wrong when once I said "You know when will it be that I can complain about a black person without receiving backlash but blacks have the freedom to do it to whites all the time?" - paraphrase. And he grew up in the 60s & 70s Harlem which is very
different from today's. I don't care
the price I will pay for this - well I kind of do. I want to die peace and not harassment. There are obvious cultural differences
saying "the tables are now turned and now white America will be
harassed." My Harlem friend who I miss knows what I mean - I think. ... 4:23 PM Ok maybe erase all that harshness. What's happening is that as I was trained with the best to come out a high-ranking white-collar worker but didn't keep up on it through choice, barraicades, and no needed family protection; now that the white-collar knowledge has become cheap labor and arbitrary it's being run by any type of recklessness out there. It's the same of "the McDonald's of computer care through cell/smart phones." I can only go by what I observe. A whole lot of minorities who who finally got jobs through Verizon now have access to the white collar email buy out of Yahoo. White-collar corruption that did me in and now the low level demand things taking over those positions. I actually don't have to keep justifying myself. I found comments that summarizes it all of what happened to MTV: ["The fall of MTV happened when black leaders pressured the channel into
playing black artists. MTV would either suffer a PR nightmare with
charges of racism or play black artists. MTV use to play concerts and
broadcasted very big shows like Live Aid etc. MTV then kept pushing that
rap crap music down every1's throats that it was just unwatchable. I
thought they would play stuff from old shows like Midnight Special and
other archive footage from various 60's and 70's shows. Example, The
Doobie Brothers on the Flip Wilson Show. Music just got worse, so MTV
needed to air those cheap crap reality shows. TMTV ought2 change their
name, THEY SUCK!" ... "Yep, That was about when it started going down hill. I remember it
seemed they played Yo! MTV Raps all the time if bevis and butthead
wasn't on.Alternative nation or headbangers ball became less and
less...Then they started with "the real world" shows and showed those
more and more.. that was it..it died." ... "... Actually, they DID play black artists, but it was the fact they weren't
playing c-rap that they got grief for. They were playing the "wrong"
black artists to fit someone's agenda."] from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p73U5Yfabho. And I'm sure there are many others out there who remember the change. ... They didn't like my comment. It's showing for me but unless it's waiting to be moderated, they didn't like my comment: "MaryJaneButler formerlySyracuseYork
2 days ago Her name was Phoebe Prince and she immigrated from Fanore, County Clare, Ireland. You mis-spoke at the beginning. Her story happened quite a few years back. Phoebe was a bully in Ireland. I guess she just never expected to get it in the United States. Irish bullying is much more innocent than the bullying in the United States probably because of the wealth. The sweet sounding Irish accent can be like "southern comfort" to the children of an Irish immigrant. My (former) Irish bully mother told me to go hang myself a short time before we all heard of Phoebe Prince - simply because I didn't go along with my mother's lie that her children are not permanently injured from a car accident long ago. So basically there's a bunch of elements going on here. I visited Phoebe's area of Ireland 3 times throughout the 80s and it's quite boring. The eventual "modern" change in Ireland has led to a lot of sleeping around and pregnancy. Phoebe told some of the disgruntled girlfriends that she "didn't know" they were dating the guy she slept with. I'm all too familiar with those same types of lies that have been a HUGE consequence in my own life. Anyway, I don't doubt the many problems even at your high school. Phoebe texted her friend in Ireland of how scared she was but I don't think she knew how to navigate American life in this circumstance. I've never killed anyone or bullied anyone but Oprah read her cards sincerely once when she said "sticks and stones may break bones but name calling kills the soul." I really don't like Oprah but that's another story. You can read my blog and find out why I'm waiting to die - I was bullied at home, on the street, and at school while my Irish guardian just didn't get involved - and it was over medical conditions no less from a car accident and not at South Hadley High. All in the end when things are supposed to come full circle, we were failed by the family court system partially because my Irish mother's lies won victory. Sorry for the novel. If you think this is bad wait til you read my blog found on my unsuccessful go fund me page of www.gofundme.com/some-justice. Peace and I hope things get better for you." From https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85AkY2NW1SM. ... so my silent partners reversed the harassment by bringing back how I can work? A glitch for 4 or more days? See how I am left grabbing at straws just to guess and someone understanding my cognitive needs would say how inappropriate that is. ... oh yes and just to have ABC News talk about exactly what I've been doing all these years that not only do you not use your real name online but when it comes to remembering passwords you don't put real answers to those questions. You know and I never even got paid for possessing what works meanwhile the online slander that could still be there of me and was there for 17 years at least potentially killed me getting ahead because employers check you out by googling your legal name. (3/11/18 the other thing that works is to do the opposite of what you're told a computer stalker does: follows your name all over the internet. So have more than one account so they can't follow you. That is probably outdated info as there is different malware that can take care of that). ... 2/20/18 7:08 AM Dream:
I'm pretty sure I was in suny potsdam and it was huge with lots going on and I
was able bodied walking around having run into several women who were all completely
fucked by a certain someone or way of living and the last one I spoke to
was a female with blond hair and over weight and white saying "yeah" and she proceeded to tell me her story and I recognized it so much as I was contemplating all the
women the same had happened to underhanded that I contemplated not
fighting it. I would be totally into fighting it but my energy level had been waned so much that I'm waiting to die. Woke up. ... 2 people walking up to the building noted but I could only see the back of their heads so I can't say for sure who they were - very familiar though especially the one on the left that seemed to be a shorter female ... So this morning I felt like turning on the radio and got a bad feeling from the things I was hearing. Yesterday mom's helper couldn't put back the refrigerator door how it needed to go back and eventually I asked mom what I knew she'd be annoyed with - where's the owners manual. She directed me where to go in finding them and as I was going through them you could see the difference in impatience between the two immigrants although they are alike in not using user's manuals - they also are alike in wanting to ingest something hot and not luke-warm whereas I would rather the luke warm. When the helper said she needs a handy-man I said that's exactly what I been saying and now that mom is no longer able to do this stuff this is what she gets for not preparing for when her handicapped kids can't do it either. There had been a man in the house earlier and the helper said she should have gotten him to do it. I got ready to run out quick and I hear the CO alarm go off and I tell mom it's probably the battery and to get her owner's manual out for that to see. It went off again and I said something like "This is it! I'm closing the window!" and when I got back from shutting the only open window in the house I said "Fuck! I close the window and the alarm stops going off." sounding like a Wolowitz comedy I guess. I had seen what the digital read-out was flashing and said to look it up. As I went to brush my teeth I played into how I'm finally out of this life and to get Christine to safety but I am so finally out of here. I said "that'll teach you to get a handy man in the next life mom." The helper is also an immigrant and a single mom but I have pointed out to her a few times that we are different because we were handicapped traumatized children coming home from a hospital to this. When I got back she was still there and pointed out that the digital readout matched what the back of the CO alarm says. There were a few times she explained this to mom because as is common mom says she's woerried over something even though there is no physical way (based on the information) that there is something to worry about. I asked the helper how many times already she has explained this to mom before I got back and she was still saying the same thing. She didn't answer because she saw where I was going with this that this constant going on (when the question has already been answered) is a way of life. Once the helper left mom still said the same and I said she is sounding delusional. That that is the price I paid for out in the world. Her defense was short lived. The other night I nailed it with mom about how disconnected she is to taking care of the youngest child she was given care of. I repeated to her that she did not go to school in America. She has no clue what it was like for me that I should have clearly been excused from gym class if I could never hit a volley ball (not even mentioning the 2 times in early high school the ball smacked me in the face and I fell back onto the floor - flash memory of the good looking muscle classmate that verbalized concern for me on the court but his choice of girls lowered his reputation) or the many times I was the one holding in my throat in pain after doing the required running laps and no one ever sent me to the nurse's office. Did the woman finally get a picture of the life she ruined through inactivity in America? I have to wonder if the helper has been informed based on gossip about me. The town where tribe is has complained about the flurry of calls they're getting and I'm getting too. They are coming in from Newark and East Orange mostly. Just something to keep track of. How would my phone number get on that list? Many are erased while some are recorded and erased. That's harassment. That's age related stupidity. But my only thoughts are that if I'm waiting to die it's easy to not even worry about. ... oh that's another thing. These kids today post Fla school shooting need to be protesting psychiatric drugs and not the slippery slope of gun control. Yes they should insist ALL schools have metal detectors but the shooter was involved in psychiatric drug use and that is a real problem for the history of mass shootings and psychiatric drug use. That seems to be easily forgotten. Flash memory of the movie theater shooting in Colorado at the Superman(?) screening. ... my thoughts were really on a roll this morning and I'll have to remember back to them before the day is through. Flash memory to russian mob in potsdam brought on flash memory of Samantha Smith in ME who died after her trip to Russia. One of the first times I received something tangible back of the great big world of news out there. I had sent a mass card after hearing of her death and her mother sent me a thank you. I guess that gave me confidence of things that actually work which is why I kept writing Oprah even though I got no response except a simple "message received." Flash of there was/is a time in potsdam of not questioning some things like if anyone dies in their sleep directly related to the knowledge of Russian mob activity like the 17 year old child that died in a hazing aftermath that went all wrong. I do remember a female my one and only told me about that died the same way in her apartment of choking on vomit and I'm not so sure why that is not in the forefront of my mind. Family that died from CO poisoning in their sleep in potsdam. Have to wonder about that too. Then there's the woman with the shopping cart that was no longer to be seen after the ice storm of '98(?). I did see a woman who looked like could pass as her sister at the library though some time after as if she were doing research of finding out what happened to her but that's just a guess. ... as far as the lol above I keep in mind that it's not necessarily. I've gotten the distinct impression over the years that there are certain NYC men who are straight faced over things many find funny and that's because they are aware that the entertainment mob is no laughing matter. Somehow I even think my ex fell into that mold. But he's an emulator - so; even if he was told about something he never told me - just kept me hanging with wheels spinning. ... so something got my thinking wheels turning this morning about all this and that the entertainment mob is so closely related to potsdam because of the Crane School of Music which is ranked 7 of the top 25 music schools according to the hollywoodreporter.com and there's lots of examples of the corruption and violations like my online name in a certain chatroom was "blue." Consider the heyday of corruption in a lawless place. Enter Jewel with her Spirit album singing to "blue" and Potsdam is a political switchboard between the US and Canada that is not common knowledge and this is why you save a life and take care of a life that has been injured early and needs attention early so the opening of worms does not happen. Jewel is only one example and does she write her own songs? Is she Native American? No she is not but her songs are heavily themed Native and her looks easily pass for Native. I remember the people I saw who seem to fly around on this cloud filled with a false sense of superiority. My ex is an example of a male with good intuition (at least in some ways). His first impression as he was moving me in was "a bad vibe" - something in his spirit he is in touch with and I'm guessing not me because my spirit was probably knocked off kilter with brain damage. Enter the song "Rockabye." Yes I remember experiencing people giving up so easily it floored me. Words erupting in my head: grow some balls! I remember how no one would look at each other. Walk around looking down at all times. I made it a point to do the opposite. Enter what was probably a spiritual bad mark to the area. Still thinking. ... haha! about my ex the emulator: looks like an ape; acts like an ape; it's an ape. ... 2/21/18 11:40 AM And
the overwhelmed stress we were left in just surfaced. A flurry of worry
noises by mom declaring she doesn't know what she'll do that she can't
find what she needs and all goes away once she finds it. She goes on so
much that you are pulled in to worrying and aiding the search but I made
sure I stayed away. Now she left for church and the errand. ... 2:45 PM For
the second time I witnessed christine's one driver not walking her down
the driveway and I told Chris before that she needs to tell him. She got
annoyed at me when I questioned her why she's not telling him and frustratingly said "I don't know!" She
cracked her skull on the driveway on a clear day like today. Mom was
even worse in that she says nothing mainly because she can't fucking
hear me. Out of all the drivers this is one that has started stopping on the street rather than pulling into the driveway and I have a feeling he may have seen me in the window and stood by the car as Chris went down the driveway. Help her up after she cracks her skull again? I watched Chris walk and she keeps her left(?) knee bent. Been there done that. ... 2/22/18 4:57 AM I've
gotten enough sleep for today. I don't know what's been done to me.
Bracing for the next disaster. I could put it into words but the mess
made feels as though it's bigger. Bracing bracing ... 6:00 AMAnd
this latest internal earthquake of panic was calmed and soothed by
going back and reading the sociological realities I wrote about -
basically my entries from the past week. The harassing ring came into mom's phone at
5:50 am. I'll go make the coffee now at 6am. ... 2:48 PM And upon waking I listened for the second time the sociological justification of what I'm saying in that the passage of a bill "Rochester Assemblyman David Gant blocks the bill" and when questioned by the mother of the dead child zeroes in on her words "one of your own" as being racist obviously taking it out of context at 1:41 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qidbhd7qABE. Fucking sad. And the man that follows is correct how rediculous NYS is that one man blocks a piece of legislation for many. It's just like the NYS Public Health Law that is designed to protect the police, hospitals, doctors, and nurses instead of innocent people assaulted by the psychiatric community - opposing counsel used that law and my case went no place. I was bullied online about trying to save Africa from the dangers of nuclear and other power by black muslims who turned it into a racial issue. Hoping by now my occupiers who erroneously bullied me see my wisdom that this racial problem started in this country will never end - some of us ending up the innocent victims. ... 3/3/18 5:40 PM Since
I hear a dog whining outside I guess it's our regular dog-walking neighbor mom got
to help after bringing Chris back from the ER. She pulls in the driveway
and beeps the horn. I open the window and she asks me to bring
christine's crutch and wheelchair. I bring down her crutch and she has
me bring it to Chris as I announce to my namesake neighborhood "this is
it. You're on your own.Call Claire. Call the other guardian to help you.
You may be full of shit but I am not." I repeated the last sentence as I
came back in, exchange wheelchairs, and see as I'm getting the other
one mom turned the car off on the driveway and has her front and back
door open. From in here I hear a man's voice outside, then able-bodied
feet coming up the stairs and a man say to himself "ok" and I guess he
carried the heavy wheelchair downstairs. I'm not sure what voices I then
heard outside but I may have heard a female voice. Day before yesterday I
got to announce to the neighborhood "That is why you include me in her care. That's why you don't go into a
court of law and lie for what is convenient for you" as I was taking the
wheelchair out of my trunk for Chris who came home very different than
when she left with me for spiritual healing. I made a scene and don't
remember right now all I said. That part of the day didn't go as planned
but it felt really good to see and visit with everyone I haven't seen
in 1.5 months. I also got a verification from "another patient" how good
an indigenous healer is. Anyway mom was putting garbage out as we got
home and I rolled Chris to the door she made non-handicapped accessible,
pulled my car to the needed space for plowing, and rested waiting. With the
outside door open I was able to say "see!" to mom that what ever work
she had done on the floor a wheelchair can no longer simply roll inside.
[(No one called DYFS long ago so we could have our medical needs met. Who
would they call now? Adult Protective Services who would throw my ass
out on the street? Just like I've been living since my 20s how mom's
been living since her 70s and 80s yet because of my age there's a
service I'm not getting. One person said I still qualify and there's
been no follow up. I wholeheartedly apologize to the innocent new people of the neighborhood who had no or little idea what was happening. I mean no harm as I remain a sourpuss of the neighborhood or the seemingly rude one of the neighborhood. I am fucking pissed off and at least now you're hearing why)]. Finally it dawned on me after several tries to simply turn the
wheelchair around to solve the problem just like on the ride home it
dawned on me getting her in the house won't be a problem because I have
the wheelchair in the trunk and I have no doubt either dawning has
spiritual origins. So it turns out her diagnosis is the same she got
operated on a while ago by the same Harvard dr who couldn't connect the
dots to have Chris wear shorts to see a knee problem. Maybe from now on I
should just refer to that dr as the mob-runner (meaning either running from the mob or running errands for the mob) since her education in
this neck of the woods makes no sense. Someone with all that abled talent is in much more priveleged places in life. I have no doubt mom will be
taking Chris back to the same dr and Chris will again get inadequate
care and wasted time. As always there's still time to have this life
saved by getting this case re-opened and done right. That is when I go
back to herbal teas and kale/romaine lettuce smoothies to literally save
a life. Last night I heard of an misdiagnosed flu being Hodgskins
lymphoma so that 1 lung collapsed and the other lung lost a percentage
of usage before correct diagnosis. Hmmm maybe that's what I have. One thing I always wanted to do was take the stairs up the Empire State Building rather than the elevator and I was SO disappointed when I wasn't allowed. The same with the Statue of Liberty. When
I finally got the chance to do something similar by running up housing stairwell and being
an unhealthy winded, the doctor told me nothing's wrong. It's just due to body
age changes - particularly the core coming forward or something like
that. ... oh yes and I forgot the stream of thought I had on that - so yes having to grow up with being told "you can't" I guess I needed some way to figure out how to stay healthy for the sports I was missing out on. All those stairs makes sense in that regard and I made it a point to park far from the mall (so I would be forced to walk) long before Oprah announced it. Isn't that ironic? Isn't it ironic when I was little (long after it's popularity on the radio) I found myself singing "I'm so excited" and guess what comes on the radio once and out of the blue? Pink Floyd has a song of this phenomena: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k16pMdEPbY8 when he asks if she'd like to contemplate the silent freeway (and all of a sudden the freeway isn't silent anymore) at around 2:42. Funny how that background no longer exists on HD and the newer stuff. That's one way to erase history. Anyway, for anyone saying it was just for sound-effect, they are either unaware or unvictimized by certain ugly things in life. The song I think that's right before that with the phone being hung up, well that happened to me. Being all alone in the hospital and a kid's goal is to get home, I called home collect many times. I especially remember while I had on the wires. I remember when my mother asked me to not call so much and I'm pretty sure it got to the point of she just wouldn't accept my call. Once the wires were off is when the sexual abuse started and it left me with scars for life that I'm disgusting. That was really hard to get over initially and I guess it cut me short in other ways to for life. ... 3/4/18 Nice try IT! Thought you'd purge me from the system didn't ya?? All is here for all to see what is going on. I asked the right questions to know you're up to no good. There was no reason for me to be purged from the system. Record kept for those who provide safety and protection for me - at least until I'm dead. Sad! Oh and I forgot to mention you really need to stop judging a book by it's cover. You may think I'm old and stupid but I guess I'm a different kind of stupid. I'm a persistent little bugger so don't let the surprise get to you. ... oh yeah and as I'm getting unpurged you're not answering the phone for the transfer that was sent to you. Ok mental note made. You know I may have made a mistake as to when the certain cameras were present but that is no excuse for this. ... this past week I witnessed Chris being touched innappropriately but we just have no protection for what happens to us in life. Flashback to the time about 17 years ago when I had a disturbing dream of Chris being raped having no idea she was being raped. The man raping her was very nice and joking. That's how this happened this past week. After waking from the dream and being disturbed I called mom and she was annoyed I called to ask if Christine was ok. I had newly been in my own house so she was annoyed with a lot in me. * shaking my head * how this all happened. * smh *. Actually that's a big reason why mom kept Chris out of services for so long worried about sexual abuse in institutions. Yet AM lived in one of those. AM doesn't remember it. Did mom know of something that happened to AM? ... So had not the purging event thrown me off today I would have started with what I was going to say. I got a rare 1-round sleep for the day. It felt like one of those the-mice-will-play-when-the-cat's-away-and-the-cat-is-now-back events. There's more stuff I was going to get into. ... Somewhere in the back of my thinking I knew eminem suffered brain damage but still listening https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgpAGGbx8uM at 14:49 you start getting a good insight - laying in a pool of blood in the bathroom at 16:02 and it goes on to say about his vision problems as a result. I already guessed that based on how he looks with his eyes. The king of rage that goes on about his mother who was his post-caretaker and the mother is anti-medication. If I remember right a lawyer approached her about suing him for slander and she said no but the lawyer made money off it. At 29:00 approx. that is where I know he didn't get the help he needed IN PUBLIC SCHOOL. Was he put into special classes? Unanswered questions. At least he had the family and friends to get through life. How fucking important.At 42:28 "reverse racism." Good term for description - (3/11/18 as is said in this video starting around 11:08 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89JLc2USwDg). I just don't understand why so many fans had a problem with him singing with "pop" singers on his latest album. That's nothing new. Don't we remember the Dido song and other work he's done? The only one I would have a problem with is Beyonce. She already admitted all to Oprah about the Illuminati (and it involved Ivy mentioned if I remember right) but that is a video wiped off the internet from last time I looked - I did find quotes about it in print. Maybe Eminem's message is that they are ALL Illuminati. Don't know. ... 3/7/18 7:28 AM Dream:
had my ex in it. He was sitting at the reception desk or maybe it was
the hostess table at the front door of a restaurant in a mall so that he
was just outside the restaurant door sitting down engaged in activity like reading something. When we caught eye contact he grinned
as if he didn't recognize me or he is so guilty as hell that's all he
can do. Before and after this, though, this mall was buzzing with very
well dressed people as if prom were happening in this huge bldg. I was
able-bodied and also dressed elegantly for the occasion and milling
around like the rest. As I walked towards my ex not knowing he'd be
there I was in close proximity of him when we caught eye contact but I
was walking away from where he was when I kept looking back at this
person in my life I hadn't seen in 18 or so years and he kept the
"pleasant" look on his face and continued looking down doing his job or reading - whatever he was doing. I
can't remember much of the dream but there was a pertinent conversation
going between me and 2 other prom(?) goers at one point where the main event was happening which was in the center room/stores of the mall and at least 1/2 way around the center from my ex (and his restaurant job?). ... 3/9/17 oh yes and how ironic all these years later I receive something from the agency that never called me back that I wrote of recently. ...3/12/17 9:56 AM So
today it's robodick to the rescue. Found out when I got home last night
he's coming to take mom and Chris to dr mob runner. I'm debating
whether I should even worry if my car is over too far due to certain
graduations in cognizance lately. Smh. I found out a cousin I haven't
seen since I was little is in touch with and making holiday plans with
Claire so I immediately let them know the situation and that I can see
them separately but am absolutely broken medical neglect was allowed to
continue. That her sister is mentioned in my blog as the time Chris
walked better and looked good due to weight loss and I got in trouble
for it with mom saying "what am I supposed to do if she gets pregnant?!"
and fattened Chris back up again. So now that all info is given to more
family I hear ZERO back. I thought maybe they're busy reading and so
too busy for dialogue but nah. That's not how this family works. I did
find out the family member from the place of our accident had a close
call with the recent nasty nor'easter. Are we awake yet? I couldn't
believe the level of comfort in turning a deaf ear to modern knowledge
of our injuries that their hometown never got sued over inadequate
roads. If the engine entered the passenger compartment of our car too
unempowered to sue the car manufacturer? The result? The fucking of our
lives. In the end? The fucking of our lives as Judge Deanne M. Wilson
stated she was making her decision based on court audience members
behind me shaking their head in disapproval. Who were they? I have no
idea. I had no (medical expert) witnesses that untreated seizures from
brain damage increase the brain damage so that this loose immigrant
cannon could finally be put in their place which would be "her mother
yes. But not an adequate medical guardian." Chris was made docile and
child-like for life due to increased brain damage as per the care of her
natural guardian the signature of which is seen upon the death of our
father at the surrogate's court right around the time Claire is court
ordered out of the house after trying to kill herself the same violent
way Dorothy died who dreamt of the Flintstones upon being choked by
Claire because I was watching the Flintstones in the next room. And I
wait... now with that stream of thought out of the way an earthquake as
to any more rape of our lives occurring as a result of robodick today
again witnessing mom in her condition. Unless family court keeps things
as is to keep getting insight via this blog. And I wait bracing for the
next rape of our lives... 12:56 PM Have
to start a new thread. So what just happened when I went out to fill my
tummy with coffee lest I get sick from hunger I asked mom if she told
robodick about the side door. She said no that he'd be coming in here
and I asked why and that Chris is going down the stairs? Or he's
carrying Chris and wheelchair down the stairs? The last few times he
didn't even come inside which I have noted. I guess mom didn't think
about all this. What has to happen is Chris has to take the elevator
down and someone needs to get her out the door - actually plan B. The
snow was never shoveled off the side walkway as I just found out from
mom as she sounded just as lacksidaisical as she did in front of Judge Wilson. She is disregarding the trauma I would go through coming in
contact with robodick. She has zero plan on how Chris in a wheelchair
will get out with her car in the garage. Stress! I guess a problem
starts with her non-planning in having the side shoveled for when Chris
is taken to a Dr. I can't believe she did this. Exhausted from the care
we were left in I just told mom she has an hour to decide how we are
going to do this. Do NOT call me for anything when he gets here. I am
not coming in contact with him. She insists robodick will help Chris
walk beside her car and the wheelchair will be folded up and I reminded
her Chris will be screaming in pain walking on her foot. Aaaah aha! :-).
Good idea! Let the jackass have an earful of christine's screaming!
Normally I would be ok with that but it just drives home the point of
another life rape that Claire lied about christine's future at her home
and is throwing Chris into a group home. Flashes to - I forgot. Oh yes
to mom getting involved with her Italian mama friend at this stage in
life who is/was well aware of the Irish coldness and some type of
comfort about group homes but that doesn't make sense because her
daughter lives with her other daughter and is not in a group home. In
court Claire said the insurance would be making home modifications in
her home for Chris. I assume Claire has since found out about insurance
ugliness. Claire doesn't know an insurance case manager is designed for
lawyer business. And I wait... fell asleep a few times. Mom's calm
seems fishy to me. I gave her a chance to have me move my car and told
her not to call me once he gets here. Mom just did her would've, could've,
should've, about christine's new wheelchair and said "but I can't do
that" about handling the new chair's cross bar on the bottom. I don't
think there's been much in preparing robodick for this today. Don't call
me. Call the surrogate's court. Trauma. He's here. Mom is going on. She says how bad it might be. He
said it won't be that bad. He's 15 mins early. Him and Chris just went
down. Mom waiting for the elevator and he yells up it's ok and mom
doesn't hear him so it's no big deal for him to run upstairs and tell
her and she says thank you and he says you're welcome. And it will be
interesting to hear any screaming. I hear no garage door open yet. Ok
there it goes. He offered to put mom's car behind mine. Unfortunately he
must have heard me get up. The wheelchair made it past the car in the
garage - there was enough room. Less stress! Then I hear Chris crying out in pain telling him "
it's not you! Ow!" as she cries. He kept the engine running(?) because I
hear his radio and it's talk and I have to wonder if it's a Way tape.
And he helps mom in the car while she jokes with him. And the garage
door closes and I hear him start the car and they're off 4 minutes after
he was supposed to arrive and a plane and canadian geese can be heard.
Trauma this is what christine's life has been signed over to. Flashes to
my request for reconsideration with a lawyer or maybe it was during
round 1 that I said I would take Chris to Claire's after every medical
session (but she needs proper and updated care). Flashes to Wilson saying
"I get it" as she was denying me care. I never got to ask what she got!
Flashes of the rat smelling IT putting up another obstacle that instead
of the good browser download being there for 2 weeks I have to download
it every time. It's a sad world we live in. It really is. So after all is done today I have to go get more sleeping medication. I need to
check on the weather. Feeling raped. I don't think robodick laughed with
my mother as he was helping her in the car. I think he was just being
polite. I did watch out the window as he was helping Chris go from the
wheelchair to the car and Chris was crying like a baby as he tried to hold her pivoting into the car. The harassing ring just came in at 12:52 pm. I
did not see mom transition into the car. ... 4:12 PM They're
back 3 hrs later? I hear stuff but not the garage door opening. There
it goes. I'm not getting up for this. I'll find out from what I hear. I
just heard christine in pain and swearing which started from the high
school she went to. Heard a car door close hard which is what we always
did until I was embarrassed by someone once far away from home and it was supposed to be an enjoyable trip when I was with my ex and we were with another couple in their car. Now I hear christine's mood
swiftly change to ordinary. I have no idea of the conversation. Mom
probably offered him money. Now someone came up elevator. Robo and Chris and
Chris says she got it that she can do it on her own - go to the bathroom. Now mom with the
elevator. Now mom asks Chris if she's ok. Where's he? Oh mom is closing
the door because she assumes he's gone. Now Chris asks for help from mom
to take off her jacket but her impatience - harassing ring came in at
3:54 - learned from mom makes her not wait. I'm going to check if he's
still here. How did that happen so quick? Yep smooth and quick - he's gone without saying goodbye or anthing. ... 3/13/18 8:36 PM How
ironic. Now I'm recieving emails on an address NEVER shared with my
blog. I also started receiving unsolicited emails from my insurance a while back.
Dually noted!! As is noted the rat smelling IT department where I spend 10 or 12 hours a day. ... 3/14/18 1:47 AM I
can't remember exactly when the night mom pulled her usual tactic of
how I've got to get out only this time she included that if she goes to a
nursing home I have no choice. For a non-cognitively disabled person
this is cue to start drinking the poison now. After all I have been put
through at the expense of this loose cannon there is collusion with
robodick on how to get around the rules of senior living v.s. nursing
home. Our father is not here to protect us. I need to buy more poison.
The verse cited will be how the casting out of demons went into the pigs
who jumped over the cliff. There will be zero brain injury acknowledgement. ... 3:59 AM So
as I sit here wide awake moreso over the creep who snooped my phone and
carries criminal charges never charged, I realize the sad day in
America it is when an immigrant is given favorable collusion advantage
over their natural born injured, American children just so they can keep dodging
responsibility. Just like there were temporary answers in family court
of Chris living with Claire only to embellish in Chris going to a group
home; just like mom had Chris use a therapeutic cutting knife only while
I'm here during proceedings; just like Steven J. Straub said "for now"; just like mom
wastes time and money on a wheelchair rarely used due to her not being
able to handle it; so here we go again of mom planning nursing home
living over senior living so I'm thrown out on the street with no child
injured justice whatsoever because Claire seems more balanced
successfully brain washed with a satisfied sex life to seem sane and
empowered. There's more to the story... so as I have round 4 due to lack
of sleep from mom waking me over her medical procedure because the alarm
clock is going off very soon and there is no one going with her I wait
for the next harassment in our minor medical lives. Harassment a court
of law will allow because Judge Deanne M. Wilson witnessing mom's lack
of proper medical care wasn't enough. Mom's catholic guilt and immigrant
embarassment wins while the children she was left with remain deprived
of all their post accident potential but immigrants are catered to at
least in this situation. And I have a mouthful for the creep. But those
who disrespect the weak never understand themselves from the objective
pov. ... 10:14 AM So
with not enough sleep and feeling sick to my stomach I'm stuck home
today. Was going to go about my business. Danielle never got services in
place for a day like today so mom told Chris that if I won't make her
lunch to just have bread. And our lives were fucked long ago. And I have
a real bad feeling about the creep. ... 3/15/18 And I heard mom whisper to Chris yesterday something and when I heard Chris whisper back I understood. Mom was asking Chris what happened with lunch and she told mom I said no (so she just had bread as directed by mom) but she did not discuss with mom what she doesn't understand - that I followed that up with Chris saying "that's why you insist on having me involved in your care," etc. Mom was about 2 hours late when she got home. We had no words pretty much the whole night. Mom couldn't have the procedure because she had a rash. Flash to when I was living in my house and I could sense mom trying to have some common ground with me when she asked "you know the area you can't really reach?" and I didn't know but my silence was - ah it's not worth trying to convey the overwhelming sadness of this situation. Anyway I can just imagine the scene mom became calling it "stupid" etc. ... DUALLY NOTED that email I received from a Marie I don't know about my blog to an email address NEVER shared regarding my blog. ... and as mom was making plans to go to the hospital of course there was the insinuation or question of plans of leaving and letting family know where to get them. She had to explain she doesn't have that "that I know of" - SMH - so she needed to let her driver know. They wound up sending mom home in a medical vehicle and today mom called up her driver saying she needed to pay for the ride there. She had no idea they would send her home the way they did. ... 3/16/18 7:48 AM And
so with the lack of protection in my life it took me all this time to
put together some of the seriousness of what happens when a phone is
snooped. They had a laptop there and mother fucker I went against
instinct and got the universal charger long ago so that it was a simple
matter of plugging the other end into their laptop and transferring all
my info from my phone. ... I did things just now how indigenous would do
things and asked the creator to show me if I have anything to worry
about. The result was a potsdam freakshow of feeling a needle enter my
left butt cheek and I don't know what that means. I do know I trust
indigenous elders. They know what they're doing and I might be a clutz
in that respect just like a newborn takes a while before being able to walk
without incident. Will I go for round 2? As I reread this I realized the
needle in the butt cheek was the rape of my life in potsdam on the floor
of an ER I never belonged in being assaulted by police and justice
never rcvd. Round 2 sounds good right about now and certain ways of the
creep flash through my head at times of their unbalanced emotional
reactions of happiness to things. As I try to withhold judgement I
can't help but notice this. And another rape of my life was
accomplished? ... I lost my stream of thought as I just went and got
round 2. ... I shouldn't take on the responsibility of being a clutz as I
flashback to being all alone and having NO IDEA what was happening as another
James Arthur Ray did their thing to me; even to this day having no idea
what was done to me. I need to relisten to that brain-mind talk.
Someone did something to me but it was only indigenous wisdom that
pulled me through it. Flashes that a local "love" kept me out of
danger's way growing up post-accident but not a lifetime harassment??? - a cruel way to die? ...
I'll have to look back what day mom took Chris to the doctor bcoz I'm
only learning now the instructions mom waited on (because this is all too
much for mom. I just told Chris that's why she needs me involved in her
care or else go live with Claire and Claire is not doing anything. This
lacksidaisical care is EXACTLY what Judge Deanne M Wilson elicited and
LET SLIDE. Passing out soon. ... 3/17/18 So today and last night it became crystal clear yet again the medical inadequacy we were left in. Maybe 3 days after bringing Chris to the doctor mom starts putting ice on Christine's foot for what was planned to be 15 minutes once(?) a day. After mom got back from her would be medical procedure and dinner was over she put ice on Christine's ankle for some time. Last night when I started going on about the 15 on and 15 off, her defense was she left it on for about 30. Mom doesn't get it that any type of a sprain or otherwise requires the pills given as well as ice 15 minutes on and off (most likely) throughout the day until healing takes place. I was like mom prior to my 4th surgery. I carried on life as mom taught me. When my knee would go out on me I would keep ice on my knee for an extended period of time paying no attention to the clock. Leading up to my fourth surgery and living in a medical facility I asked lots of questions and learned a lot. On the ohter hand mom still doesn't connect the dots that her house is NO PLACE for the conducive atmosphere needed post-surgery. She didn't learn anything through her experience. I really thought she would have. Complete lack of proper medical care is EXACTLY what Judge Deanne M. Wilson set up. Is anyone going to do anything about this yet? Include me in her care or throw me out on the street and she gets thrown into a group home? Me and Christine both have living needs and always have. That does NOT mean I am incapable of directing her proper medical care. ... 3/18/18 oh gee what do you know. The browser is still here today and I don't have to re-download it. So I forgot to record the dream from after round 3 yesterday. I was in a big institution like a college or something and on a corded phone needing to understand a name being said to me. We went back and forth a bit and when I finally got it I said the name out loud of Elaine. It could have been Eileen but I'm pretty sure it was Elaine. The last name was something like "Ruth." The woman was a tribe supporter and brought on that feeling of a mother/understander with a quiet calm presence - I don't think that totally explains it. Can't remember rest of dream. So I guess because of our blowout last night and my comment this morning about improper medical care, mom had Christine put her foot on ice and it probably was in the wrong position. If the ice is for the ankle that's where it needs to go. So I think she did that for 15 minutes and then I see the ice wrapped in the towel on the table and I ask why it wasn't put back in the freezer and she said it's the block ice. I still ask why it wasn't put back in the freezer and she said that when she uses it again on her it will still be cold. Couple hours later it was sitting still on the table. smh. This is the medical care completely ok'd by the Morris County Surrogate's Court. Unless Christine's increased "ow" 's today had anything to do with reminding mom about the ice. That's the way things work. Instead of being able to verbalize herself in an explanatory way, Chris will get things accomplished the only way she knows how. That I can see. ... 3/22/18 5:10 AM Yesterday was poignant that mom was discussing with the medical people
here the procedure she had to have cancelled going on about the nursing
she needs everyday so I finally chimed in she wouldn't have that problem
if she took apple cider vinegar in water which kills all fungus in the
body. Only because someone else was here to say they take it in capsule
form did mom buy some. Stupid bitch who set it up that I would be coming home calling her the C word in her 80s. Yep that's the sad reality. The next hurdle was mom taking the
correct dose which I don't think happened because I refused to repeat
myself and mom can't write it down. I'm so full of rage at what I think
is yet another failed attempt at justice - I'm not even going to
finish. It has to do with a silent feeling that lawyers that are on my side tried their best to get justice for me and failed yet again. Precious illusions? I don't know. Need to get in some things bout past couple days but drunk at
7:20 waiting to pass out. ... slept a bit over 2 hrs until round 2 at
1am(?). Woken at 3am and still awake after round 3 at 5:10 am. Will
transfer in dream I was woken from at 3am. ... Dream I got woken up from due to plowing/shoveling/graduated
cognizance(?) at 3am: I was gathering food items in my hands for
distribution to the needy. My hands were full pretty quick and I had access to a Michael 's aptmt. When I
clicked on the kitchen light Italian classical music started playing
and I laughed. His girlfriend came into view and he showed her that's what he
set up . He demonstrated it was his own voice recording in sync with the
light coming on. I continued on my gathering and don't know when I got
woken up but at a certain point in the dream I was trying to figure out
how I was going to do something with my arms full. I got peace by
deciding not to worry about it. ... so tonight I finally said something
to mom after I saw her put the ice packs under christine's foot. Her
first defense was to say she's following the directions as they say the
best she can. I said "they told you that. Do it to the best you can?" and I think she said "no." I remind her not taking me to Italy for an osteotomy in
the 80s and missing out on seizure meds for Chris that have been around
since the 1950s is not trying her best. I then honed in on the info for a
widow's group when I was 19 she ignored only to go to one years later
with her friend. Found out it was her doctor who informed her about the
nursing home and not robodick - more harassment when I'm awake but now on 3/24/18 I don't specifically remember right now. ... nice dream after
round 3: for some reason I showed up at best-sex-ever's place for
a non-sexual visit and he seemed put out because his
date was there sitting on the couch but was good about it. It was a good time and there was
another presence there that just showed up but can't remember who. I don't remember if this presence showed up with me or separate but was a nice dream of "I've missed you." ... 3/23/18 I don't remember dream(s) had on this day but do know they have a lot of activity. You really should visit my newest playlist "Methane Hydrates & other stuff" https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4D389B11CAF429EC&disable_polymer=true. As usual with me it is the things NOT being talked about in the general media. I was brought back to a time I first heard of this and the stream of thought all made sense. I had to put up with a brat (to be extremely nice) named Kristen who made the work atmosphere extremely volatile but I didn't say anything to the agency about it for fear of not having a job in 2006. The extreme volatile was caused by her constant goings-on of someone having a bathroom problem and leaving it unsanitary. I had already lived in a nursing home so I had already been exposed to that kind of thing. No other unit in the place had a problem as bad as the one in mine and it was caused by someone who was either Vietnamese or Korean or of that ethnicity. So back to the work place, Kristen would say every time she got back from the bathroom it was disgusting with "floaters" being left or some kind of bowel disgusting-ness. In the midst of this atmosphere I finally emailed to her I could make up signs to hang in the bathroom. I never heard back from that but I never got called back to the job either. Anyone who had a problem with Kristen was either let go immediately or had some impending doom I assume because of her mother having been a supervisor there for years. No one saw these bathroom problems except Kristen that I remember. Everyone told me to take it with a grain of salt and don't worry about it but I couldn't ignore the lewdness of the workplace. In other words it was a made up story quite possibly to continue the slandering of my reputation as started in Potsdam by Ms. Southern Belle which was a problem with the house and the illegal appartment of the jury-rigged plumbing done by the previous owner because the town only knew of one other apartment being there when there was actually two other. Funny how I made sense of that now too little too late but that's the social stigma in upstate NY that makes or breaks a job. Life outside of works determines your being employed. There's going to be a mighty amount of people pissed off with how much underwear I'm hanging of places that like to stay in the shadows. Oh well. Judge Wilson should have done her job as well as the lawyers so that this blog didn't even have to exist and so many people should not have been assholes to my work ethic. I have more to put in from the past week but need to pee real soon.... 3/24/18 So last night mom says she called the Dr mob runner's office and was told Chris only needs to ice 2ce a day. When I started to say how much bullshit that is mom's defense was that that's also what the emergency room said. Oh so a whole week went by without mom icing. OK. Then another 2 days went by without mom icing due to her having her own stuff to do. Yes mom must have her convenience while Chris could be getting proper care with me involved. Flashback to when Judge Wilson said I don't need to be involved in order to do things for Christine or something like that which indicated I would be doing it anyway. I'm not at ease due to creep. Fucking dumb ass. ... 3/25/18 So like I said nurses rock and there's nothing different in that statement when it comes to this: http://www.pbs.org/pov/blog/america-reframed-unfiltered/2018/03/america-reframed-unfiltered-watching-the-film-with-the-invisible-patients/. (Actually this might be a better link: http://worldchannel.org/programs/episode/arf-s6-605-invisible-patients/). The story of the two brothers is close to our situation but doesn't account for the needs of 3 injured children. In other news the holiday plans are off and ball-less Claire can't travel to them instead because she's working the next day. Perhaps an undiagnosed brain injury and untended to needs of not being able to handle what any "normal" person could handle. yep. ... 3/27/18 So this morning I noticed Christine's ankle icer wasn't on right. Mom just laid it on top of her foot. I was out of the house by the time Chris had to get in the shower so I don't know how the aid made out with her. When I explained to the aid the ice wasn't put on right she hinted I should help. My response was "add me to her care. There's a lot of things Christine needs." Yesterday mom returned the phone call of the Dr's office and they want to do an MRI of Chris's foot. Mom helplessly said she didn't know when she could get there because her son-in-law helps her out and he's not always available. I'M RIGHT HERE but mom's paranoia of me being after Christine's money takes prevalence just like my American born cousin wound up an engineer for the govt and all along his irish immigrant mother was worried he was the next Ted Bundy - or Charles Manson, take your pick. Yep. ... oh yes and I was shocked this morning to hear mom say the only person she's spoken to at the all-salt no-fault insurance is the present adjustor. She received some letter from the case worker(?) and she wouldn't completely explain but they are closing something it sounds like. I sense rape on it's way. I reminded mom we need a lawyer to navigate insurance. She completely forgot about Sharon Fernandez (and I have this chance to say I made a mistake with Lori Hernandez - sounds similar but is different). I rememinded her of the screaming (and hanging up) she used to do to her. Just to check her mental state I asked if she remembered the woman Hoffman who came to the house as Christine's part of the house was being built on. Supposedly she remembers. I asked if she remembers giving coffee to the construction workers. Supposedly she remembers. She said she'd have to think about if she remembers Fernandez. OMG that is huge for her to forget. Is that what she's telling Claire? I rattled off the 15 digit original license # I had. I rattled off the 13 digit insurance # we have. Does Claire know these things? ... hmmm stinky stinky stinky: "12/22/14 at 4:38 PM Hi (Christine's employment counselor) I
emailed you over a month ago about my sister's care and have since read
what I emailed to you. It now seems to be gone from my email. Did you
receive it from me? Thank you "MaryJaneButler"." Let's see what else: No reply from anyone. Keep stinking. I'm relentless until I'm dead you sad bunch of people. ... 3/28/18 1:45 PM I've
been having multiple dreams lately and not remembering them but l
remembered this today. Dream: I was set up at a table in front of
everyone to solve math problems along with everyone else on a trippod
table set up on the tables that was a large plain white paper pad. I had done one math problem and doing another
when a woman expressed concern I needed to multiply the name bobby flay
by the numbers (because that is what was written before the parentheses) and I woke before I could say "no the numbers need to
be multiplied but not bobby flay." When I woke I realized the humor in
that it's raining men in my dreams. Why? Because Eminem was in one of my dreams I can't remember. This dream happened the night I added the a song by him to my playlist Sing For The Moment. The aid showed up by surprise today
and I had zero coffee in me. I was able to nail it right away for her to put the
ice pack on PROPERLY by wrapping it around her ankle and Chris is now in
less pain. I felt medically abused by the aid though who has only
brothers and an international husband trying to justify my brain damage
symptoms and she never googled what I told her (it sounds like) but near the end she
asked mom a question and witnessed mom's disregard based on mom's own
life. The aid started out asking me what mom would ask about friends and
1/2 way thru my explanation grew impatient so I frustratingly said
social is part of the injury and as I go thru the run-down of right
frontal lobe deficits she looks at mom which comforts mom's denial. More nonmobile. ... 3:10 PM It's
traumatic to watch court cases even if it's comedy Chris is watching
called Head of the Class. At least the judge did swearing in but no
bible. The aid asked if I fight and I was confused for a bit until I
understood she means physical fighting and I was able to tell her my
father started to teach me that and mom put an end to it. I told her to
ask the right questions and she'll get a full history. That I'm not
able to get all out. I wasn't able to explain that inability is also brain injury related. I live a life time of harrassment (some self-povoked) always justifying
myself and that started in this house. Mom is going further in denial
btwn the aid, Claire, family, and many others making me out to be a
problem. Not brain damage - me. I would have to justify the problem getting info out is injury
related. ... 3:52 PM Oh
yes so the conversation started w a tea bag in the sink and mom
admitted it was her and I said I don't drink tea anymore because it's
life-saving and I drink coffee but there's nothing I can do about that
because I need to be awake at times. She asked if I say that to people
and I said "yes sometimes and I refer them to my blog." I explained how I
didn't have my life smacked into a mac truck just to have this happen.
When it came to $$ I explained it was settlement $$ with NJPIP. That something
is really wrong he got ticketed for speeding and over the weight limit
yet got off and we wound up pip. She witnessed mom's disregard when it
came to cousins helping. I cued mom to answer that as to where our
cousins are and mom stated people have their own lives to live. ...4/1/18 11:09 AM My
rage surged when mom said about making preparations. That she needs
things cleaned up because she is having real estate come in here. I
reminded her of the preparations she never did for her 17 year old. She
told me to go get DDD. Yeah ok. That's something parents put in place
for their developmentally needy children. I'm not able to turn off this
harassment. I have no where to go. I have nothing left and I did not
bust my ass for a college degree just to go on welfare. Claire's coming
here soon to help get Chris in the car for their easter dinner. Trauma.
This disregard of who I am as a result of 1978 is more than I can bear.
The aid said the other day how abled I am because I'm of sound mind and
body. Too much. ... 12:03 PM
So my cousin who scratched many of my vinyl records years ago is all grown and I was surprised to hear her mother is married. I found that out as a result she's going to Las Vegas to a convention with him. Mom totally got off on her medical obligations to her children and everyone moved on in life. They're at her house on long island. No family is taking responsibility. I'm just broken by medical abuse. Absolutely broken. Did any of my cousins read my blog? Does anyone care? Can anyone save me? How about reality? 2.5 hrs before Claire gets here and then it's a shower for me. I'll probably wait til they come back and leave again to get sleeping meds. So sad. I feel like someone is crying with me. Crying..who left us here like this??? Christine's foot is in less pain now that I insisted on icing the right way. Yeah and I won't be dead before I face pavement. I was surprised to see christine's wheelchair on the Mr. Rogers special last week. It shows the difference of a child and an adult in a child's chair. ... 2:48 PM Mom has on her coat with help from Chris and Chris is now going to the bathroom. Claire will open the garage. Mom doesn't have her coat on yet as I just found out when I had to go out to where she is. I guess she was telling Chris she would need her help. Tj is not going. All these pagan holidays Claire claims is the problem yet she celebrates with them. I hear motorcycles in the distance more from roads behind here. Yesterday was a nice day for riding and they were definitely up and down on the highway. Mom brought up wheelchair foot pedals from downstairs but doesn't know if they're the matching ones and will have Claire put them on. Christine will be out squeezed into the Mr. Rogers wheelchair. I can't believe mom is 40 years late in saying " Claire here. 2:20 pm. Chris asks Claire to put "feet" on chair and Claire doesn't have a clue. Everyone is out smoking. Robodick came up and is doing it while Claire went to bathroom. Claire in her sweet sounding clueless ness. Down goes the elevator. Up comes the elevator. Let's see.... Claire was a menace backing mom's car out of the garage. Too fast doing too much and she probably scraped the garage. I know she scraped the shrubs. There is a big improvement of christine's foot that it didn't "hurt like hell" as when robodick took her to the dr last week. Ice AROUND the ankle? Indigenous healing? Claire will claim it's her prayer? I don't know but I must take a shower now. ... 3:54 PM It's an hour since they left. Had thoughts of sending a text to Claire but she would just disregard it. I can't believe mom is saying "preparations" 40 years too late and with the omission she had any - never mind. She's not competent to make preparations. Anyway Claire did things so quickly she couldn't connect the dots to back STRAIGHT out the garage and then glide over to the shrubs. I heard her hit something on the passenger side of the car on the way out. She does have a problem with mom's brakes like I do as if they're overly sensitive. Maybe she was in such a hurry teaching christopher's friend the rules of what to do. Neither one of them came inside. Rules of how to handle a situation that doesn't feel right. I can picture mom telling Chris once in the car to not mention me with the icing. That would be the usual where mom prepares Chris for less problems for mom. I'm lying here naked and disgusted at all I've turned into. Kale smoothies had me losing weight. Damage to a child that enjoyed parts of adulthood but nothing whole. Feeling like Rose on Titanic as she waits to die on top of the ballroom door and breathing is shallow. ... 5:30 PM They're back 2.5 hrs later but I'm not getting up. Not interested. Peeing will have to wait but they're never long staying here. Claire brought bags up - probably of leftovers. I can sense the warm fuzzy brainwashing while our medical lives suffer. In elevator? Sewing room door swung open. I think mom pulled in the garage. Now elevator is coming up. Chris tells robodick she has to use the bathroom. Robo goes downstairs. Now back up. Claire talking about ammonia with mom. Robodick is back by Chris? Now going back downstairs. Yells for Claire. Elevator coming back up. Robodick tells mom Chris needs help in bathroom after he told Claire. Chris is having trouble pulling her pants up. Mom is politely laughing with robodick conversationally. He says to let them know if they need help with Thursday at the follow up appt. Mom says Thank you to christopher and he goes back down. I didn't know he was up here. All bullshit. All leaving now? Yes. ... 4/2/18 11:26 AM Last night I was finally able to put into words mom's mistake that needs to be fixed. It started with the story on the 11 o'clock news of stem cells being used on dogs and I said those are the advances christine's missing out on. As usual she needed explanation. I asked her, after spending time post surgery in a nursing home, if she thinks she can recuperate in this house? She looked defeated as she needed explanation and I rehashed how this all started with Claire not taking me in from a nursing home for proper (stress free) recuperation and the lack of communication about it just snowballed into the guardianship for christine. So because of the truth she knows now, NOW she understands she misappropriated christine's life so go fix it. I was justified in staying at the nursing home. DO WE GET IT NOW? I reminded her Claire takes strangers into her home, the last one I know of was a Verne who taught her about glasses for nighttime driving, but rejected family from a nursing home. SO GO FIX HER FUCKING LIES AND MISTAKE SO CHRIS CAN GET PROPER MEDICAL CARE now that mom knows better...I have to wonder if christopher's friend was taken in but that wouldn't make sense because christopher lives on his own. She never came inside yesterday. Mom is not competent to admit her mistake. Chris is now screaming at mom in frustration getting dressed and screaming at mom to shut up but that will never be labeled as senior abuse. Cleaning lady is 20 minutes late but never called to say she's not coming because of the snow. Did the court ask Claire about christine's hidden assets? I wrote down a bunch of stuff regarding the creep. It all needs to come out. ... 12:01 PM Claire sounded surprised when Chris was able to wheel herself around with the foot pedals on. That's the hopeless hippie syndrome rather than the rehabilitative life christine is entitled to. Claire is uninvolved and knows nothing about assistive technology from what I can tell. It sounds like Chris was pushed around in the chair while they were out to eat and then once up here Chris did her own thing as she was taught to navigate the chair. Robodick put the foot pedals on while Claire went to the bathroom. I have to wonder if that was Claire's avoidance. Christopher's friend is doing that. Why not? ... 4/3/18 I'm not sure when it ever happened that a bimbo was correct about driving by sailing out of a diner parking lot without stopping when I have the right of way. I really don't. ... Today I got the feeling that mom is getting the phrase "making preparations" from the aid. Whatever something way bigger needs to take care of this situation. ...4/5/17 7:24 AM Dream: can't remember a lot now that time has passed but there was a lot going on as I was walking around the city and as the dream was ending I was approaching one area outside and I rounded the scene to see two females with erected green signs that had black writing saying "Frack is the Frack." Maybe parts of this dream will come back to me today. ... 12:29 PM Robodick will be here soon. Aid will leave with them I'm guessing. I have a craving for sausage, scrambled eggs, and syrup. I announced I was leaving because the brother-in-law is coming and the aid tells me I better start being nice to people. LIFE FLASH. After I made sure I heard her right I said people need to accept me for my disability and she says I don't have a disability. LIFE FLASH. I need to learn to not justify myself but I alluded to my blog "my life with an ignored brain injury." Mom is still talking about vacation. Aid leaving. Robodick here. Some confusion with garage. Unnecessary opening and closing of door. He's saying they should take mom's car. There goes the door. He also didn't go straight out the garage and I heard something scrape. At least he didn't scrape mom's car with the bushes like Claire did. So mom is driving and I'm guessing robodick will see how much mom shouldn't be driving. Into the shower for me and robodick is parked on the street. ... 4:05 PM They're back 3 hours later. I won't bother getting up to see. Flashes of mom's cold snap to Claire last night because mom was worried if it was an emergency calling so late when she was just going to bed and it was only Claire verifying time. Door opening from garage. Chris and robodick coming up elevator. Chris asks him for help taking off jacket. Goes downstairs and up again. He's talking. Chris asks him to put something somewhere. The next 3 weeks? They brought something home. 4 weeks instead. Robodick gone. HOLY SHIT the mob runner Dr. has Chris in an old fashioned cast for a "Jones fracture." I asked mom why Chris isn't in a newer velcro shoe cast and mom didn't question it and said she never heard of a velcro one. I pointed out the medical velcro shoe she wears and she wasn't connecting the dots so I said about the medical boot I wore when I broke my toe and then I brought it out to her and showed her mine. OMG! WTH! But we're just easy throw aways for Morris County. Mom didn't ask about if the tendonitis is gone. Yep this is the care we were left in. ... 4/6/18 Ok some questions answered: "A doctor will immobilize the foot in a cast, cast boot, or stiff-soled shoe and may recommend surgery. The treatment for a Jones fracture depends on several factors including:..." from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/315039.php although you DO NOT use the internet for correct info. Chris will scream and go on in frustration with getting dressed/undressed but I'm surprised how well she is taking this of being stuck in the house. I still don't understand though how she was out of pain to the point that the aid reported she got right up out of the wheelchair and walked right into the shower. Her pain was doing better with weight bearing for the last week(?). Last week the aid had to wheel Chris right in. The doctor put the cast on not liking what was elicited touching the bone. I broke my fifth metatarsal and this fracture is right near it - the only thing with me though is I was able to know, understand, and receive really good natural supplements from my chiropractor to aid healing. Christine doesn't have that. That is a crying shame. It's just like my foot doctor who treated my broken toe was completely separate from me knowing and obtaining natural bone healing supplements and is the same foot doctor who, when saw Apple Cider Vinegar cured my flaming case of homeless athlete's foot, admitted he'd made the same recommendations to patients. ... 4/8/18 How the fuck did I wind up with a footer saying exactly what my header says? Anyway, I was pissed yesterday when I see Chris's foot looks purple and swollen. Today it just looked swollen but there's nothing I can do until the aid is here to see if she notices a difference. Is it just me? That sees a change? Maybe there is no change. Lackadaisical mom said she'd have to get a flashlight out and look because she wouldn't be able to see. I declared that if Chris's foot is made worse instead of better we're going back to the surrogate's court. Mom had no reply. The doctor said no weight bearing and I asked mom if she told the doctor before the cast went on that she has to weight bear with the toilet and bed. Mom said before. Since I wasn't there I can't trust what's happening. If Chris winds up with worse problems oh well. No justice for us/her because that's just he level of legal and medical care we were left in. The boot allows one to be weight bearing. As if I'll be able to do that. I have no legal counsel and no money for legal counsel. With Chris home I got a very rare circumstance where me and mom went out. She's a lot a different person without the constant caring of Christine yet me being left in this situation produced the person I am today and it's being used against me. Yeah that won't be going down in silence. How ironic Cardi B came out with an album of Invasion of Privacy. ... I can't remember yesterday's dream but again it had to do with the male theme. ... Here we go again with Yahoo Search and limits. ... 4/9/18 10:34 AM Dreams: a certain problem was singing eminem's Sing For The Moment and in another dream another person was speaking and I remembered part of the dream but now forgot it again. Danielle just left here and mom was freaking out to answer the door and finally had to go out in her underwear and sign some papers to stop services for christine until her foot gets better. Mom said to Danielle "I can't go on like this" and there was no mention of me. Flashes of the nyt article I just finished about the understanding of human intimacy and its basic need and I don't know christine's thinking (if at all) but all I can do is dwell in sorrow, inadequacy, crying now, who left us here? The crying stopped as I heard mom start to come within earshot. Now mom is going on about the order of the towel closet rearranged by one of the helpers. An undiagnosed brain injury rehabilitative need. In her condition she forgot to bring the medical cream with her so she continues without it - an action she ... lost my thought due to hunger but it had to do with apple cider vinegar which she stopped taking because it went down the wrong pipe and this is the lackadaisical medical care we were left in. A medical vocabulary Claire can't comment on because Claire's never had a broken bone in her life. Claire had hip displasia as a baby and needed to wear glasses for a little while but the first born is always in a healthy position. Flashes of being stalked and harassed at 17 being kept in a relationship I didn't want. But some men are good at reverse psychology especially when they have the upper hand of not having to answer to an authoritative family member of hers. Paradise by the Dashboard Light. ... 11:17 AM The part of Eminem being sung was the part asking cocking a gun and getting sued. Still don't remember the other dream parts but this dream is an aping of different races. ... 4/10/18 1:36 AM Had it out w mom tonight. So tired she wasn't getting ready for bed that I forced the issue of what will happen if she dies in her sleep like her Italian mama friend did or actually never recovered from a stroke. Mom caught up on difference. Mom did a lot of eye rolling but I wasn't letting her off that easy. Years ago I brought up planning subject of where i'd be buried and she made a joke. ... 5:04 AM Fuck! I'll guess it was leaving the door open after round 2 and a harassing phone ring at 3:30am that woke me. I can't go do work for africa on 4 hrs sleep! Fuck. It's going to be a late day. Mom's still breathing. I wish I were not. Her aid will be here helping her feel complacent in her 1/2 baked shell. ... 6:19 AM Fuck! I'll guess it was leaving the door open after round 2 and a harassing phone ring at 3:30am that woke me. I can't go do work for africa on 4 hrs sleep! Fuck. It's going to be a late day. Mom's still breathing. I wish I were not. Her aid will be here helping her feel complacent in her 1/2 baked shell. ... 7:01 AM Why the fuck did I send the same message over an hour apart? I might have to do today on 4 hrs sleep. Are there any other first responders that are stalkers? I was only 17. Now look at me. Feeling overwhelmed at feeling not liked. Feeling tired to. Thinking about the attitude whiplash I received the other night which I handled probably naively. A grown adult doesn't put up with that. And the attitude was obvious to other people. But how does a wounded child in an adult's body react? I had a life and it was robbed. Will try to sleep now. ... 8:07 AM Dream: I was at my house in potsdam and turned off the basement light when I saw it on. The stairs were painted black and the paint was chipping. I turned the light back on to make sure I saw something correctly. There was a window at the bottom of the stairs. The rest of the dream on the main floor and up is either too vague or I can't remember. The stairs was placed around the kitchen rather than around the dining/living room ... 11:23 AM Finally! 5 days later the first thing the aid says to Chris is "Your foot is swollen." I yell out "thank you!" and get my undersleeped ass out of bed. Mom is then prompted to call the doctor's office after verifying with the aid it looks swollen. The doctor's office told mom originally, it turns out, to keep the leg raised. Mom felt the foot pedals would be enough. Stupid. Just like when I lived life like mom I figured the large cup of coffee was enough before the gynecologist and they sent me home to come back with WATER like they originally told me. I did the coffee out of convenience because it is REALLY hard to hold in water pee THAT long. That happened 25 years ago. I've dealt with knee raising and all this subject matters since 15 years ago after insisting on a nursing home and NOT mom's house!!! I sound just like the middle child in that movie with goldie hawn and the red head whose name I can't remember who is the drunk in Desperado. With the way the mob works we're the basis of the story but like corruption does omits the far reaching of our medical lives. The red head was involved with standing rock and bernie sanders. And we were left to lose our lives in silence. So anyway mom said she looked at Christine's foot and it didn't seem swollen. I don't know which mistake is supposed to make her feel better - she looked at it and it didn't look swollen or she couldn't tell it was swollen. The movie's name is The Banger Sisters and the child I sound like is Ginger Kingsley played by Eva Amurri Martino. I kind of went on this morning akin to one wearing out their welcome. I couldn't stop going on and the aid a few times was like "Ok..." but how I feel is nothing new and why I don't stand for no flags. As I've typed before in this blog: "I pledged allegiance to a disgrace with all our lives a slap in the face. And to the republic for which it stands with white collar murder easy for immigrants who don't understand. Indivisible with liberty aloof and justice for all except those of us sound-proofed. In this land where I reside no one wanted to see my ugly side. Ok so I played along - in the end stumped they had me all wrong. Ah death finally peace at this time. My undiagnosis made me the joke of a lifetime. How's my once intelligent sister been? I'd like to tell her all about hospital life and fair-weathered friends. Don't forget fellow patient whose name sounds like sick Aladdin. I would have admitted I'm a terrorist waiting to happen but then I'm accused of a felony. Mom never got over you Stephanie. Over 30 years that you were gone the things in your bedroom still intact. Then my life was destroyed by suppression of facts. I'm sorry Steph I really can't stay. For me to come back is all you really need to pray. Homeland Security had a run for their money and a whole bunch thought this is all so funny. Everybody left mom in her half-baked shell and for what I've done I need to escape the forces of hell. With every keystroke more and more are disturbed. It doesn't compare to the rape I've endured." ... Oh and I forgot to add that while the aid was still there I asked if Robodick was in the room at Dr. mob-runner's office and mom said yes. WTF??? That's the care Christine has been left in. Now Chris will suffer more because mom will have a real hard time lifting chris's leg up to the ottoman the aid brought up for her. I'm the one that insisted a pillow needs to be kept under her knee for support while it is raised. I'm not there to help. I could, would, and should be but Morris County corruption is far more important. So Robodick didn't ask any questions or ask for anyting in writing on instructions. No one insisted on a wheelchair with a raised leg yet I spent 8 months in a rehab facility with one that mom came and visited me at every week. Mom did say she said to dr mob runner that Chris needs to go to a rehab for this. WOW MOM ONLY KNOWS HOW TO TALK REHABS BECAUSE OF ME YET SHE STILL JUMBLED A PROBLEM WITH ME INTO HOW CLAIRE REFUSED TO TAKE ME IN UPON EVICTION. It sounds like Dr mob-runner wasn't interested in the rehab saying Chris would first have to go to a hospital so Chris is now in the mess she's in. I was near-fuming this morning that no written directions were given for Chris but that is the lives we've been left to. I don't even want to be here today but Wonder Woman had to go lie in court to get her way. Chris won't get proper care now. What a fucking mess. Just like the PT indicated that this is really sad that ths stop-go, grab-at-straws care is going on like this. He totally didn't put it into those words but he knows what it's like to go through an entire session of PT in the end getting no brace Chris needs and that he was working towards. ... 4/11/18 So I don't know if robodick is retired, self employed, or what but mom got him on yesterday's notice to bring her to the eye doctor. Something mom's had to dangerously do all this time and I think the last couple times mom blew more of dad's money by her using the car service. Will she tell him about the floor she had to get fixed (and he door she had to get cut) because she never asked for help when she could no longer clean the snow off the deck so that the melting snow seeped into the hard wood floors making them swell? And here are the flashes of her excuse "they live too far away." What's her excuse now? I don't have enough sleep today. ... Here we go. Chris laid down after using the bathroom. Mom had to help her. A bit later I said her leg has to be raised and mom said she's laying down and I said something to the affect it needs to be raised even in bed to put a pillow under it. Her only response was "well it's not" and mom went to sleep in her chair and Christine slept for a couple hours. I see that Chris struggles with helping mom getting her leg raised. Does that mean Chris is pulling her back out slowly but surely by doing that? At some point I said to Christine to make sure mom puts a pillow under her leg tonight. ... So now the entertainment mob is using mariah carey as a weapon in validating the psychiatric industry with brain damage symptoms. That's to be expected.... Long dream(s?). Only reason so long is that I asked a question and before answering, the entire history of how the answer got there was given 1st so I thought for sure the 2nd question would go better with an answer but it didn't. There was a 3rd question but dream ended and I woke up. Onto round 2. Flashes of the nerve of the Entertainerment mob having the balls of turning brain injury symptoms into psychiatric bipolar. Onto round 2. Round 1 was a good 4 hr sleep. ... 4/12/18 So the rat locked me out of my account eh? Noted. ... And then I log onto yahoo who tries to get me to agree to the terms of service that yahoo shares information with Verizon now. As if! All our lives a slap in the face. ... Today I asked the aid if Christine's leg is less swollen and she said yes and I said that's because I insisted she have a pillow under her leg last night. Christine is at a real advantage with that because she sleeps on her back. Not many people can do that. ... Ok so here's all the new terms of privacy that everyone is supposed to understand - well wait a minute - It comes out to 40 (forety) pages that someone is supposed to agree to in having all their info shared among Yahoo, Verizon, AOL, Flurry, Gemini, ONE, Convertro, Brightroll, anything else? It's impossible to put all that on this one post. Saved as a note on Yahoo. Anywhere else? 5 of the ten hours of fuckerberg: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCQ_ZGxE2U4. ... so as I listen to Fuckerberg I'm feeling that Daddy's Potsdam girl knew someone who worked at Facebook or knew someone who knew someone else working there or just like my cousin's life in Potsdam seemed to go down hill after I was in potsdam and emailed her. ... 4/13/15 Omfg. I wake up to hear mom saying her maiden name into the phone. That means it has to do with the house she's getting rid of. She's been extremely bothered by the fact that she got the house after my father was dead yet she had to dig for papers to submit all kinds of paperwork relating to their married life. Better not be any lies she's doing. I go out to use the bathroom and ask why Chris is there without her leg up. Mom says because she's not dressed yet. After Chris is dressed I hear mom ask Chris where she wants to sit and Chris says she's staying in the kitchen. I open the door saying "no Chris this is not a matter of choice. This is why I needed to be at that dr's office and be involved in your care. This is dr's orders..." When I first start saying this mom throws up her 'yeah" defense like an ass but I see Chris compliant moving herself into the room with the ottoman. Chris waits for mom to come out of the bathroom and mom puts the ottoman over to Chris and I hear Chris struggle putting her leg up and then she asks for the pillow to be put under her knee and the daily stress-o-meter rises as mom screams out her regret she left the pillow in christine's room from last night and this is all too much for her to do. Mom then says Chris will have to use mom's pillow from her chair "for now" because mom is on her way out to get her hair done. I then ask Chris if she has the tv control and she says no and I ask her if she wants it and she says yes. I go give her the tv control as I hear mom close the doors to the elevator after getting in. The impatience of mom adhering to medical rules is very obvious. ... 4/14/18 Something is definitely up with yahoo. Another msg sent twice - not by me. Dream: I was with someone else and we were cooking a lot of chicken for a chicken meal. When the dream ended or I was woken up I was taking the meat off the bones of the upper wing (?) and stacking the meat pieces on top of each other for the sandwich? So yesterday revealed christine's not getting the nature of her recuperation. Mom went out to get her hair done and eventually I hear Chris struggle taking her leg down and goes to the bathroom. When she gets back I tell her she's got to put her leg back up. I hear her struggle with what I know she can't do. I go out and she's got herself in place with the foot pedals rolled out but she can't get her leg up and has no idea how the pillow will happen. I was at the wrong angle so at least we had a laugh. Everytime I went to put her leg in place the lightweight ottoman would float away so the more I tried the more it was turning chris's wheelchair sideways. I asked if mom folds the pillow over as I did and she said no. At my angle that didn't work so I stuck the pillow under her leg with the ottoman in place and told her mom needs to fix it when she gets home. After all this struggle Chris bursts out laughing because it really did look like a comedy. Flashes to the 2 little sisters in the bathroom stall where I used to sit out where they were heard laughing over the subject matter in the toilet bowl when the 3(?) yr old needed her 6(?) yr old sister to help her - I think because she was afraid of falling in the toilet bowl as she went to wipe herself from going #2. Later on I go out after mom took care of it and I see the pillow under chris's calf and her knee dangling in mid air. I verbalize as I fix it pushing the ottoman all the way back to chris's chair so her leg is completely supported. I go into the kitchen where mom is and say "yeah this is the care we were left in" - any old haphazard way will do. Later on as I was preparing for round 1 of sleep I hear Chris struggle to take her leg down for the bathroom and stop her saying she has to wait for mom to get home from the meeting she went to. A full hour goes by and I tell Chris to go because we don't know when she'll be home. She returns and her leg stays down and I go to bed. This morning when I go out her leg is not fully supported by the ottoman again but it's not too bad. ... There were other times to this day that happened. Like at lunch time mom wanted to eat and instead of waiting for mom Chris struggles with getting her leg back up. So mom relents (as usual) and tries to help her and says ok that's enough for now. I see the pillow under Chris's foot and her knee dangling in mid-air so I say a resounding no and mom get's defensive saying "we know that" that Chris's pillow should not be under her heel. So I say "Look I'm putting my foot up to the ottoman and it's just a simple matter of holding Christine's leg up while I push the whole thing back to her chair." All is done. ... 4/15/18 It's been a long night and if today happens it's going to be a late day. My obsession of 9/11 phone calls doesn't help because when I get hooked on an idea I thoroughly research it. My unsettling dream tied right into it. In the dream I was dealing with the problem / communicating through youtube. In the dream I decided he is not going to have control over me and I did something with youtube that leaves him hanging rather than being forthright and honest like I would be with anyone else. The theme/feeling was Eminem with "...little bitch blast me on mtv..." I'm looking at bad sleep today and tomorrow because of all these fucking people mom's got coming here. Even Tuesday. Time for some Vodka. I've had enough to drink since yesterday 6pm but I'm nothing without sleep. ... 7:43 AM As an unpaid and unrecognized sleuth I must comment about the recent anti or counter terrorism crackdown around here. When they answer the phone they use an american accent. It's not just the fast food and convenience stores they may be at. I'm so fucking awake this is horrible. ... Today I spoke up for mom. We have so much food that goes to waste. She bought it with the intention of cooking it but she either is too tired or doesn't feel like cooking. This time there were chicken cutlets sitting in the refrigerator for a couple days and I asked mom's helper to please help mom cook. ... 4/16/18 In spite of all my trauma I don't too often have bad dreams or scary dreams. Maybe that's because of a 1/2 baked shell existence that has rubbed off on my survival skills. Last night was an exception and was directly related to what I saw before going to bed. Went to bed around 4am after watching a 2018 movie about a girl who manipulates amid tragedy. I totally related to after her mother died saying everything was going to be ok. In my case of disphoria it was a matter of following my father's instructions in the car on my way home for first (Thanksgiving) weekend where the only sound made was a sniffle followed by my father saying "just don't let your mother see you crying" followed up by mom at home saying hello and I went to my room and there was no discussion. From there on out you can see in pictures the big fake smile I wore. So I can't remember the dream now but it was a malice feeling and there was a direct relation of the girl with me and a sister most likely Christine. An overall bad feeling such as queesy tension. Something I forgot to mention yesterday is the time at home at night when I asked why christine's leg was not raised and mom said because she's having her tea and it's too much for mom and I pointed out what's convenient for mom which is what courts are supposed to take care of. Today same where I said the swelling doesn't look like it's going down and defensively Chris says she had a pillow under her leg last night and I said "maybe you need two. Your caregiver can't assessed that?" And mom goes on how she's getting someone in here and I tell her she's not going to get 24 hr care and that's what she needs (if I'm not involved) and that I've dealt with these agencies years before she did so I know. "You don't remember 'I don't know why you're involved with THOSE people ' "? No response. "'You're not going to be happy with me' " shows how aloof to reality she is. ... 4/21/18 Christine's foot is all swollen again and tonight mom said the old phrase of "I'm sick of this!" Yeah great care we were left in. When I got home around 4:30 Chris was here alone and her foot was down. Mom never put her foot up before she left. That's exactly how things happen. Mom is ok for so long and then her impatience takes over. That's exactly what's been happening all these years. That's exactly what happened AGAIN after having my 3rd surgery. I just didn't have anyone or any medium to report it on. ... 4/23/18 Exactly as ass-covering as Facebook. Maybe Yahoo will get a Trillion dollar fine as well: "... In June 2017, Yahoo and AOL joined forces to create Oath, a media and technology company with a dynamic house of global brands, and a part of Verizon. It’s an exciting venture that we believe will bring a host of new innovations and digital experiences for our users. 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So my cousin who scratched many of my vinyl records years ago is all grown and I was surprised to hear her mother is married. I found that out as a result she's going to Las Vegas to a convention with him. Mom totally got off on her medical obligations to her children and everyone moved on in life. They're at her house on long island. No family is taking responsibility. I'm just broken by medical abuse. Absolutely broken. Did any of my cousins read my blog? Does anyone care? Can anyone save me? How about reality? 2.5 hrs before Claire gets here and then it's a shower for me. I'll probably wait til they come back and leave again to get sleeping meds. So sad. I feel like someone is crying with me. Crying..who left us here like this??? Christine's foot is in less pain now that I insisted on icing the right way. Yeah and I won't be dead before I face pavement. I was surprised to see christine's wheelchair on the Mr. Rogers special last week. It shows the difference of a child and an adult in a child's chair. ... 2:48 PM Mom has on her coat with help from Chris and Chris is now going to the bathroom. Claire will open the garage. Mom doesn't have her coat on yet as I just found out when I had to go out to where she is. I guess she was telling Chris she would need her help. Tj is not going. All these pagan holidays Claire claims is the problem yet she celebrates with them. I hear motorcycles in the distance more from roads behind here. Yesterday was a nice day for riding and they were definitely up and down on the highway. Mom brought up wheelchair foot pedals from downstairs but doesn't know if they're the matching ones and will have Claire put them on. Christine will be out squeezed into the Mr. Rogers wheelchair. I can't believe mom is 40 years late in saying " Claire here. 2:20 pm. Chris asks Claire to put "feet" on chair and Claire doesn't have a clue. Everyone is out smoking. Robodick came up and is doing it while Claire went to bathroom. Claire in her sweet sounding clueless ness. Down goes the elevator. Up comes the elevator. Let's see.... Claire was a menace backing mom's car out of the garage. Too fast doing too much and she probably scraped the garage. I know she scraped the shrubs. There is a big improvement of christine's foot that it didn't "hurt like hell" as when robodick took her to the dr last week. Ice AROUND the ankle? Indigenous healing? Claire will claim it's her prayer? I don't know but I must take a shower now. ... 3:54 PM It's an hour since they left. Had thoughts of sending a text to Claire but she would just disregard it. I can't believe mom is saying "preparations" 40 years too late and with the omission she had any - never mind. She's not competent to make preparations. Anyway Claire did things so quickly she couldn't connect the dots to back STRAIGHT out the garage and then glide over to the shrubs. I heard her hit something on the passenger side of the car on the way out. She does have a problem with mom's brakes like I do as if they're overly sensitive. Maybe she was in such a hurry teaching christopher's friend the rules of what to do. Neither one of them came inside. Rules of how to handle a situation that doesn't feel right. I can picture mom telling Chris once in the car to not mention me with the icing. That would be the usual where mom prepares Chris for less problems for mom. I'm lying here naked and disgusted at all I've turned into. Kale smoothies had me losing weight. Damage to a child that enjoyed parts of adulthood but nothing whole. Feeling like Rose on Titanic as she waits to die on top of the ballroom door and breathing is shallow. ... 5:30 PM They're back 2.5 hrs later but I'm not getting up. Not interested. Peeing will have to wait but they're never long staying here. Claire brought bags up - probably of leftovers. I can sense the warm fuzzy brainwashing while our medical lives suffer. In elevator? Sewing room door swung open. I think mom pulled in the garage. Now elevator is coming up. Chris tells robodick she has to use the bathroom. Robo goes downstairs. Now back up. Claire talking about ammonia with mom. Robodick is back by Chris? Now going back downstairs. Yells for Claire. Elevator coming back up. Robodick tells mom Chris needs help in bathroom after he told Claire. Chris is having trouble pulling her pants up. Mom is politely laughing with robodick conversationally. He says to let them know if they need help with Thursday at the follow up appt. Mom says Thank you to christopher and he goes back down. I didn't know he was up here. All bullshit. All leaving now? Yes. ... 4/2/18 11:26 AM Last night I was finally able to put into words mom's mistake that needs to be fixed. It started with the story on the 11 o'clock news of stem cells being used on dogs and I said those are the advances christine's missing out on. As usual she needed explanation. I asked her, after spending time post surgery in a nursing home, if she thinks she can recuperate in this house? She looked defeated as she needed explanation and I rehashed how this all started with Claire not taking me in from a nursing home for proper (stress free) recuperation and the lack of communication about it just snowballed into the guardianship for christine. So because of the truth she knows now, NOW she understands she misappropriated christine's life so go fix it. I was justified in staying at the nursing home. DO WE GET IT NOW? I reminded her Claire takes strangers into her home, the last one I know of was a Verne who taught her about glasses for nighttime driving, but rejected family from a nursing home. SO GO FIX HER FUCKING LIES AND MISTAKE SO CHRIS CAN GET PROPER MEDICAL CARE now that mom knows better...I have to wonder if christopher's friend was taken in but that wouldn't make sense because christopher lives on his own. She never came inside yesterday. Mom is not competent to admit her mistake. Chris is now screaming at mom in frustration getting dressed and screaming at mom to shut up but that will never be labeled as senior abuse. Cleaning lady is 20 minutes late but never called to say she's not coming because of the snow. Did the court ask Claire about christine's hidden assets? I wrote down a bunch of stuff regarding the creep. It all needs to come out. ... 12:01 PM Claire sounded surprised when Chris was able to wheel herself around with the foot pedals on. That's the hopeless hippie syndrome rather than the rehabilitative life christine is entitled to. Claire is uninvolved and knows nothing about assistive technology from what I can tell. It sounds like Chris was pushed around in the chair while they were out to eat and then once up here Chris did her own thing as she was taught to navigate the chair. Robodick put the foot pedals on while Claire went to the bathroom. I have to wonder if that was Claire's avoidance. Christopher's friend is doing that. Why not? ... 4/3/18 I'm not sure when it ever happened that a bimbo was correct about driving by sailing out of a diner parking lot without stopping when I have the right of way. I really don't. ... Today I got the feeling that mom is getting the phrase "making preparations" from the aid. Whatever something way bigger needs to take care of this situation. ...4/5/17 7:24 AM Dream: can't remember a lot now that time has passed but there was a lot going on as I was walking around the city and as the dream was ending I was approaching one area outside and I rounded the scene to see two females with erected green signs that had black writing saying "Frack is the Frack." Maybe parts of this dream will come back to me today. ... 12:29 PM Robodick will be here soon. Aid will leave with them I'm guessing. I have a craving for sausage, scrambled eggs, and syrup. I announced I was leaving because the brother-in-law is coming and the aid tells me I better start being nice to people. LIFE FLASH. After I made sure I heard her right I said people need to accept me for my disability and she says I don't have a disability. LIFE FLASH. I need to learn to not justify myself but I alluded to my blog "my life with an ignored brain injury." Mom is still talking about vacation. Aid leaving. Robodick here. Some confusion with garage. Unnecessary opening and closing of door. He's saying they should take mom's car. There goes the door. He also didn't go straight out the garage and I heard something scrape. At least he didn't scrape mom's car with the bushes like Claire did. So mom is driving and I'm guessing robodick will see how much mom shouldn't be driving. Into the shower for me and robodick is parked on the street. ... 4:05 PM They're back 3 hours later. I won't bother getting up to see. Flashes of mom's cold snap to Claire last night because mom was worried if it was an emergency calling so late when she was just going to bed and it was only Claire verifying time. Door opening from garage. Chris and robodick coming up elevator. Chris asks him for help taking off jacket. Goes downstairs and up again. He's talking. Chris asks him to put something somewhere. The next 3 weeks? They brought something home. 4 weeks instead. Robodick gone. HOLY SHIT the mob runner Dr. has Chris in an old fashioned cast for a "Jones fracture." I asked mom why Chris isn't in a newer velcro shoe cast and mom didn't question it and said she never heard of a velcro one. I pointed out the medical velcro shoe she wears and she wasn't connecting the dots so I said about the medical boot I wore when I broke my toe and then I brought it out to her and showed her mine. OMG! WTH! But we're just easy throw aways for Morris County. Mom didn't ask about if the tendonitis is gone. Yep this is the care we were left in. ... 4/6/18 Ok some questions answered: "A doctor will immobilize the foot in a cast, cast boot, or stiff-soled shoe and may recommend surgery. The treatment for a Jones fracture depends on several factors including:..." from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/315039.php although you DO NOT use the internet for correct info. Chris will scream and go on in frustration with getting dressed/undressed but I'm surprised how well she is taking this of being stuck in the house. I still don't understand though how she was out of pain to the point that the aid reported she got right up out of the wheelchair and walked right into the shower. Her pain was doing better with weight bearing for the last week(?). Last week the aid had to wheel Chris right in. The doctor put the cast on not liking what was elicited touching the bone. I broke my fifth metatarsal and this fracture is right near it - the only thing with me though is I was able to know, understand, and receive really good natural supplements from my chiropractor to aid healing. Christine doesn't have that. That is a crying shame. It's just like my foot doctor who treated my broken toe was completely separate from me knowing and obtaining natural bone healing supplements and is the same foot doctor who, when saw Apple Cider Vinegar cured my flaming case of homeless athlete's foot, admitted he'd made the same recommendations to patients. ... 4/8/18 How the fuck did I wind up with a footer saying exactly what my header says? Anyway, I was pissed yesterday when I see Chris's foot looks purple and swollen. Today it just looked swollen but there's nothing I can do until the aid is here to see if she notices a difference. Is it just me? That sees a change? Maybe there is no change. Lackadaisical mom said she'd have to get a flashlight out and look because she wouldn't be able to see. I declared that if Chris's foot is made worse instead of better we're going back to the surrogate's court. Mom had no reply. The doctor said no weight bearing and I asked mom if she told the doctor before the cast went on that she has to weight bear with the toilet and bed. Mom said before. Since I wasn't there I can't trust what's happening. If Chris winds up with worse problems oh well. No justice for us/her because that's just he level of legal and medical care we were left in. The boot allows one to be weight bearing. As if I'll be able to do that. I have no legal counsel and no money for legal counsel. With Chris home I got a very rare circumstance where me and mom went out. She's a lot a different person without the constant caring of Christine yet me being left in this situation produced the person I am today and it's being used against me. Yeah that won't be going down in silence. How ironic Cardi B came out with an album of Invasion of Privacy. ... I can't remember yesterday's dream but again it had to do with the male theme. ... Here we go again with Yahoo Search and limits. ... 4/9/18 10:34 AM Dreams: a certain problem was singing eminem's Sing For The Moment and in another dream another person was speaking and I remembered part of the dream but now forgot it again. Danielle just left here and mom was freaking out to answer the door and finally had to go out in her underwear and sign some papers to stop services for christine until her foot gets better. Mom said to Danielle "I can't go on like this" and there was no mention of me. Flashes of the nyt article I just finished about the understanding of human intimacy and its basic need and I don't know christine's thinking (if at all) but all I can do is dwell in sorrow, inadequacy, crying now, who left us here? The crying stopped as I heard mom start to come within earshot. Now mom is going on about the order of the towel closet rearranged by one of the helpers. An undiagnosed brain injury rehabilitative need. In her condition she forgot to bring the medical cream with her so she continues without it - an action she ... lost my thought due to hunger but it had to do with apple cider vinegar which she stopped taking because it went down the wrong pipe and this is the lackadaisical medical care we were left in. A medical vocabulary Claire can't comment on because Claire's never had a broken bone in her life. Claire had hip displasia as a baby and needed to wear glasses for a little while but the first born is always in a healthy position. Flashes of being stalked and harassed at 17 being kept in a relationship I didn't want. But some men are good at reverse psychology especially when they have the upper hand of not having to answer to an authoritative family member of hers. Paradise by the Dashboard Light. ... 11:17 AM The part of Eminem being sung was the part asking cocking a gun and getting sued. Still don't remember the other dream parts but this dream is an aping of different races. ... 4/10/18 1:36 AM Had it out w mom tonight. So tired she wasn't getting ready for bed that I forced the issue of what will happen if she dies in her sleep like her Italian mama friend did or actually never recovered from a stroke. Mom caught up on difference. Mom did a lot of eye rolling but I wasn't letting her off that easy. Years ago I brought up planning subject of where i'd be buried and she made a joke. ... 5:04 AM Fuck! I'll guess it was leaving the door open after round 2 and a harassing phone ring at 3:30am that woke me. I can't go do work for africa on 4 hrs sleep! Fuck. It's going to be a late day. Mom's still breathing. I wish I were not. Her aid will be here helping her feel complacent in her 1/2 baked shell. ... 6:19 AM Fuck! I'll guess it was leaving the door open after round 2 and a harassing phone ring at 3:30am that woke me. I can't go do work for africa on 4 hrs sleep! Fuck. It's going to be a late day. Mom's still breathing. I wish I were not. Her aid will be here helping her feel complacent in her 1/2 baked shell. ... 7:01 AM Why the fuck did I send the same message over an hour apart? I might have to do today on 4 hrs sleep. Are there any other first responders that are stalkers? I was only 17. Now look at me. Feeling overwhelmed at feeling not liked. Feeling tired to. Thinking about the attitude whiplash I received the other night which I handled probably naively. A grown adult doesn't put up with that. And the attitude was obvious to other people. But how does a wounded child in an adult's body react? I had a life and it was robbed. Will try to sleep now. ... 8:07 AM Dream: I was at my house in potsdam and turned off the basement light when I saw it on. The stairs were painted black and the paint was chipping. I turned the light back on to make sure I saw something correctly. There was a window at the bottom of the stairs. The rest of the dream on the main floor and up is either too vague or I can't remember. The stairs was placed around the kitchen rather than around the dining/living room ... 11:23 AM Finally! 5 days later the first thing the aid says to Chris is "Your foot is swollen." I yell out "thank you!" and get my undersleeped ass out of bed. Mom is then prompted to call the doctor's office after verifying with the aid it looks swollen. The doctor's office told mom originally, it turns out, to keep the leg raised. Mom felt the foot pedals would be enough. Stupid. Just like when I lived life like mom I figured the large cup of coffee was enough before the gynecologist and they sent me home to come back with WATER like they originally told me. I did the coffee out of convenience because it is REALLY hard to hold in water pee THAT long. That happened 25 years ago. I've dealt with knee raising and all this subject matters since 15 years ago after insisting on a nursing home and NOT mom's house!!! I sound just like the middle child in that movie with goldie hawn and the red head whose name I can't remember who is the drunk in Desperado. With the way the mob works we're the basis of the story but like corruption does omits the far reaching of our medical lives. The red head was involved with standing rock and bernie sanders. And we were left to lose our lives in silence. So anyway mom said she looked at Christine's foot and it didn't seem swollen. I don't know which mistake is supposed to make her feel better - she looked at it and it didn't look swollen or she couldn't tell it was swollen. The movie's name is The Banger Sisters and the child I sound like is Ginger Kingsley played by Eva Amurri Martino. I kind of went on this morning akin to one wearing out their welcome. I couldn't stop going on and the aid a few times was like "Ok..." but how I feel is nothing new and why I don't stand for no flags. As I've typed before in this blog: "I pledged allegiance to a disgrace with all our lives a slap in the face. And to the republic for which it stands with white collar murder easy for immigrants who don't understand. Indivisible with liberty aloof and justice for all except those of us sound-proofed. In this land where I reside no one wanted to see my ugly side. Ok so I played along - in the end stumped they had me all wrong. Ah death finally peace at this time. My undiagnosis made me the joke of a lifetime. How's my once intelligent sister been? I'd like to tell her all about hospital life and fair-weathered friends. Don't forget fellow patient whose name sounds like sick Aladdin. I would have admitted I'm a terrorist waiting to happen but then I'm accused of a felony. Mom never got over you Stephanie. Over 30 years that you were gone the things in your bedroom still intact. Then my life was destroyed by suppression of facts. I'm sorry Steph I really can't stay. For me to come back is all you really need to pray. Homeland Security had a run for their money and a whole bunch thought this is all so funny. Everybody left mom in her half-baked shell and for what I've done I need to escape the forces of hell. With every keystroke more and more are disturbed. It doesn't compare to the rape I've endured." ... Oh and I forgot to add that while the aid was still there I asked if Robodick was in the room at Dr. mob-runner's office and mom said yes. WTF??? That's the care Christine has been left in. Now Chris will suffer more because mom will have a real hard time lifting chris's leg up to the ottoman the aid brought up for her. I'm the one that insisted a pillow needs to be kept under her knee for support while it is raised. I'm not there to help. I could, would, and should be but Morris County corruption is far more important. So Robodick didn't ask any questions or ask for anyting in writing on instructions. No one insisted on a wheelchair with a raised leg yet I spent 8 months in a rehab facility with one that mom came and visited me at every week. Mom did say she said to dr mob runner that Chris needs to go to a rehab for this. WOW MOM ONLY KNOWS HOW TO TALK REHABS BECAUSE OF ME YET SHE STILL JUMBLED A PROBLEM WITH ME INTO HOW CLAIRE REFUSED TO TAKE ME IN UPON EVICTION. It sounds like Dr mob-runner wasn't interested in the rehab saying Chris would first have to go to a hospital so Chris is now in the mess she's in. I was near-fuming this morning that no written directions were given for Chris but that is the lives we've been left to. I don't even want to be here today but Wonder Woman had to go lie in court to get her way. Chris won't get proper care now. What a fucking mess. Just like the PT indicated that this is really sad that ths stop-go, grab-at-straws care is going on like this. He totally didn't put it into those words but he knows what it's like to go through an entire session of PT in the end getting no brace Chris needs and that he was working towards. ... 4/11/18 So I don't know if robodick is retired, self employed, or what but mom got him on yesterday's notice to bring her to the eye doctor. Something mom's had to dangerously do all this time and I think the last couple times mom blew more of dad's money by her using the car service. Will she tell him about the floor she had to get fixed (and he door she had to get cut) because she never asked for help when she could no longer clean the snow off the deck so that the melting snow seeped into the hard wood floors making them swell? And here are the flashes of her excuse "they live too far away." What's her excuse now? I don't have enough sleep today. ... Here we go. Chris laid down after using the bathroom. Mom had to help her. A bit later I said her leg has to be raised and mom said she's laying down and I said something to the affect it needs to be raised even in bed to put a pillow under it. Her only response was "well it's not" and mom went to sleep in her chair and Christine slept for a couple hours. I see that Chris struggles with helping mom getting her leg raised. Does that mean Chris is pulling her back out slowly but surely by doing that? At some point I said to Christine to make sure mom puts a pillow under her leg tonight. ... So now the entertainment mob is using mariah carey as a weapon in validating the psychiatric industry with brain damage symptoms. That's to be expected.... Long dream(s?). Only reason so long is that I asked a question and before answering, the entire history of how the answer got there was given 1st so I thought for sure the 2nd question would go better with an answer but it didn't. There was a 3rd question but dream ended and I woke up. Onto round 2. Flashes of the nerve of the Entertainerment mob having the balls of turning brain injury symptoms into psychiatric bipolar. Onto round 2. Round 1 was a good 4 hr sleep. ... 4/12/18 So the rat locked me out of my account eh? Noted. ... And then I log onto yahoo who tries to get me to agree to the terms of service that yahoo shares information with Verizon now. As if! All our lives a slap in the face. ... Today I asked the aid if Christine's leg is less swollen and she said yes and I said that's because I insisted she have a pillow under her leg last night. Christine is at a real advantage with that because she sleeps on her back. Not many people can do that. ... Ok so here's all the new terms of privacy that everyone is supposed to understand - well wait a minute - It comes out to 40 (forety) pages that someone is supposed to agree to in having all their info shared among Yahoo, Verizon, AOL, Flurry, Gemini, ONE, Convertro, Brightroll, anything else? It's impossible to put all that on this one post. Saved as a note on Yahoo. Anywhere else? 5 of the ten hours of fuckerberg: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCQ_ZGxE2U4. ... so as I listen to Fuckerberg I'm feeling that Daddy's Potsdam girl knew someone who worked at Facebook or knew someone who knew someone else working there or just like my cousin's life in Potsdam seemed to go down hill after I was in potsdam and emailed her. ... 4/13/15 Omfg. I wake up to hear mom saying her maiden name into the phone. That means it has to do with the house she's getting rid of. She's been extremely bothered by the fact that she got the house after my father was dead yet she had to dig for papers to submit all kinds of paperwork relating to their married life. Better not be any lies she's doing. I go out to use the bathroom and ask why Chris is there without her leg up. Mom says because she's not dressed yet. After Chris is dressed I hear mom ask Chris where she wants to sit and Chris says she's staying in the kitchen. I open the door saying "no Chris this is not a matter of choice. This is why I needed to be at that dr's office and be involved in your care. This is dr's orders..." When I first start saying this mom throws up her 'yeah" defense like an ass but I see Chris compliant moving herself into the room with the ottoman. Chris waits for mom to come out of the bathroom and mom puts the ottoman over to Chris and I hear Chris struggle putting her leg up and then she asks for the pillow to be put under her knee and the daily stress-o-meter rises as mom screams out her regret she left the pillow in christine's room from last night and this is all too much for her to do. Mom then says Chris will have to use mom's pillow from her chair "for now" because mom is on her way out to get her hair done. I then ask Chris if she has the tv control and she says no and I ask her if she wants it and she says yes. I go give her the tv control as I hear mom close the doors to the elevator after getting in. The impatience of mom adhering to medical rules is very obvious. ... 4/14/18 Something is definitely up with yahoo. Another msg sent twice - not by me. Dream: I was with someone else and we were cooking a lot of chicken for a chicken meal. When the dream ended or I was woken up I was taking the meat off the bones of the upper wing (?) and stacking the meat pieces on top of each other for the sandwich? So yesterday revealed christine's not getting the nature of her recuperation. Mom went out to get her hair done and eventually I hear Chris struggle taking her leg down and goes to the bathroom. When she gets back I tell her she's got to put her leg back up. I hear her struggle with what I know she can't do. I go out and she's got herself in place with the foot pedals rolled out but she can't get her leg up and has no idea how the pillow will happen. I was at the wrong angle so at least we had a laugh. Everytime I went to put her leg in place the lightweight ottoman would float away so the more I tried the more it was turning chris's wheelchair sideways. I asked if mom folds the pillow over as I did and she said no. At my angle that didn't work so I stuck the pillow under her leg with the ottoman in place and told her mom needs to fix it when she gets home. After all this struggle Chris bursts out laughing because it really did look like a comedy. Flashes to the 2 little sisters in the bathroom stall where I used to sit out where they were heard laughing over the subject matter in the toilet bowl when the 3(?) yr old needed her 6(?) yr old sister to help her - I think because she was afraid of falling in the toilet bowl as she went to wipe herself from going #2. Later on I go out after mom took care of it and I see the pillow under chris's calf and her knee dangling in mid air. I verbalize as I fix it pushing the ottoman all the way back to chris's chair so her leg is completely supported. I go into the kitchen where mom is and say "yeah this is the care we were left in" - any old haphazard way will do. Later on as I was preparing for round 1 of sleep I hear Chris struggle to take her leg down for the bathroom and stop her saying she has to wait for mom to get home from the meeting she went to. A full hour goes by and I tell Chris to go because we don't know when she'll be home. She returns and her leg stays down and I go to bed. This morning when I go out her leg is not fully supported by the ottoman again but it's not too bad. ... There were other times to this day that happened. Like at lunch time mom wanted to eat and instead of waiting for mom Chris struggles with getting her leg back up. So mom relents (as usual) and tries to help her and says ok that's enough for now. I see the pillow under Chris's foot and her knee dangling in mid-air so I say a resounding no and mom get's defensive saying "we know that" that Chris's pillow should not be under her heel. So I say "Look I'm putting my foot up to the ottoman and it's just a simple matter of holding Christine's leg up while I push the whole thing back to her chair." All is done. ... 4/15/18 It's been a long night and if today happens it's going to be a late day. My obsession of 9/11 phone calls doesn't help because when I get hooked on an idea I thoroughly research it. My unsettling dream tied right into it. In the dream I was dealing with the problem / communicating through youtube. In the dream I decided he is not going to have control over me and I did something with youtube that leaves him hanging rather than being forthright and honest like I would be with anyone else. The theme/feeling was Eminem with "...little bitch blast me on mtv..." I'm looking at bad sleep today and tomorrow because of all these fucking people mom's got coming here. Even Tuesday. Time for some Vodka. I've had enough to drink since yesterday 6pm but I'm nothing without sleep. ... 7:43 AM As an unpaid and unrecognized sleuth I must comment about the recent anti or counter terrorism crackdown around here. When they answer the phone they use an american accent. It's not just the fast food and convenience stores they may be at. I'm so fucking awake this is horrible. ... Today I spoke up for mom. We have so much food that goes to waste. She bought it with the intention of cooking it but she either is too tired or doesn't feel like cooking. This time there were chicken cutlets sitting in the refrigerator for a couple days and I asked mom's helper to please help mom cook. ... 4/16/18 In spite of all my trauma I don't too often have bad dreams or scary dreams. Maybe that's because of a 1/2 baked shell existence that has rubbed off on my survival skills. Last night was an exception and was directly related to what I saw before going to bed. Went to bed around 4am after watching a 2018 movie about a girl who manipulates amid tragedy. I totally related to after her mother died saying everything was going to be ok. In my case of disphoria it was a matter of following my father's instructions in the car on my way home for first (Thanksgiving) weekend where the only sound made was a sniffle followed by my father saying "just don't let your mother see you crying" followed up by mom at home saying hello and I went to my room and there was no discussion. From there on out you can see in pictures the big fake smile I wore. So I can't remember the dream now but it was a malice feeling and there was a direct relation of the girl with me and a sister most likely Christine. An overall bad feeling such as queesy tension. Something I forgot to mention yesterday is the time at home at night when I asked why christine's leg was not raised and mom said because she's having her tea and it's too much for mom and I pointed out what's convenient for mom which is what courts are supposed to take care of. Today same where I said the swelling doesn't look like it's going down and defensively Chris says she had a pillow under her leg last night and I said "maybe you need two. Your caregiver can't assessed that?" And mom goes on how she's getting someone in here and I tell her she's not going to get 24 hr care and that's what she needs (if I'm not involved) and that I've dealt with these agencies years before she did so I know. "You don't remember 'I don't know why you're involved with THOSE people ' "? No response. "'You're not going to be happy with me' " shows how aloof to reality she is. ... 4/21/18 Christine's foot is all swollen again and tonight mom said the old phrase of "I'm sick of this!" Yeah great care we were left in. When I got home around 4:30 Chris was here alone and her foot was down. Mom never put her foot up before she left. That's exactly how things happen. Mom is ok for so long and then her impatience takes over. That's exactly what's been happening all these years. That's exactly what happened AGAIN after having my 3rd surgery. I just didn't have anyone or any medium to report it on. ... 4/23/18 Exactly as ass-covering as Facebook. Maybe Yahoo will get a Trillion dollar fine as well: "... In June 2017, Yahoo and AOL joined forces to create Oath, a media and technology company with a dynamic house of global brands, and a part of Verizon. It’s an exciting venture that we believe will bring a host of new innovations and digital experiences for our users. With Verizon, Oath can provide you with better experiences and services.<br/><br/> As part of this collaboration, we’re asking all users of Oath owned sites and services to agree to the new unified Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, which will help us continue to deliver and build on great digital experiences for you. Please take some time to review and agree to the new unified Terms of Service and Privacy Policy by clicking on the button below. If you have already agreed, no additional action is needed. ..." "... Review and agree now..." "... To help you understand some of the key updates, we’ve provided a summary below as well as a description of what tools are available to you to manage your data and experience within Oath’s house of brands. Please note that this summary is not exhaustive and we encourage you to review the updated versions of our ..." "... Hopefully, disputes will never be an issue, but in the case of one, this allows a third-party arbitrator to help us resolve them. We’ve also added a class action waiver. These provisions are an important part of our relationship with you, so please read them carefully. We've specified the legal entity that provides each service to you. For some services, this may be a different entity than the entity that previously provided the service. We’ve also reserved the right to transfer the providing entity for each service in the future. General provisions that apply to billing, auto-renewal, and refunds have been added. Unless the additional terms for a service override the Terms of Service, these provisions apply to your use of our paid services. ..." "... Applicability of Terms. If you are using our services on behalf of another account owner (e.g., as an administrator, consultant or analyst) or on behalf of a company, business or other entity, the Terms of Service apply to your activities and are binding on the account owner or entity.Indemnity for Non-Personal Use. If you are using our Services on behalf of a company, business or other entity, or if you are using our Services for commercial purposes, we’ve added an indemnity provision, which requires you and the entity to protect us against certain legal actions. *We've updated our choice of law and forum provisions. New York law now governs and New York, New York is the designated forum.* ..." "...We took care to make it easier for you to understand our services and our privacy practices. We've updated how we collect and use data. We've updated some of the ways we collect and analyze user data in order to deliver services, content, and relevant advertising to you and protect against abuse. This includes: Analyzing content and information (including emails, instant messages, posts, photos, attachments, and other communications) when you use our services. This allows us to deliver, personalize and develop relevant features, content, advertising and services ..." "... Linking your activity on third-party sites and apps with information we have about you Providing anonymized and aggregated reports to other parties regarding user trends We've joined Verizon. By joining Verizon, Oath and its affiliates may share the information we receive among Verizon. Learn more about http://www.verizon.com/about/privacy/privacy-policy-summary Verizon's privacy practices. New information regarding personalization.We've included new information explaining how we combine data among our services and across your devices and Oath accounts. This allows us to provide more personalized content and services. We've updated user choices. We've provided additional information about your choices when using our services, and given you control in our https://policies.oath.com/us/en/oath/privacy/controls/index.html Privacy Controls section. ... What You Need to Do: We have designed these changes to help improve your experience with Oath and its brands. To review and agree to the new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, please click the button below. These changes go into effect as soon as you consent...." "... *Please note that although our services will continue to be available under the existing terms for now, you will eventually need to agree to the new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy in order to continue to use our services.* If you have any questions or need additional help, please refer to this https://policies.oath.com/us/en/oath/privacy/guce/faq/index.html. ..." Such brilliant cover-my-ass-but-you're-not-important. Yep. ... Here's another version:
New Privacy and Terms
Yahoo is now part of Oath, the media and tech company behind today’s top news, sports and entertainment sites and apps.By choosing “I accept” below, you agree to Oath’s new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Below is a summary of some of the key updates. To learn more about our approach to privacy, click here.
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." ... 6/14/18 So mom refuses to take advice about her chair from me. So she's going on
and I'm too drunk to even read email. She's out there in her
chair. And I finally rolled away while she's yelling about the chair. I'm extremely destraught but white
american govt cares more about its immigrants. ... 6/15/18 I forgot to mention Claire recently grew some balls when she drove all
by herself to pick up mom from a dr's appt. I said something and mom
defensively said "oh that was then" as if Claire's body had to get used to medication. I can't handle / manage this life on
my own ... I also forgot
to mention how lonely I am as well as the insurance game that happened
here today when I wasn't here and how mom sits there in silence as I
recount the flashing of my\our lives without a lawyer. ... 6/16/18 Holy shit a fucking bird woke me up 4:30am. I was sleep-recovering from yesterday too! I woke up to what sounded like
a radio playing. I check my phone to see if the impossible is happening
of a video on my phone and realize it's one loud bird outside the
window. I really could have gone off the deep end
last night but alcohol took the edge off. I found out after the fact that the all-salt no-fault caseworker came around yesterday and made comments about what was in the driveway. I'm not into this lonely life I live anymore. Bourdain spoke out
against the treatment of palestinians so that explains his "suicide"
but the fashion designer dying the same way as phoebe prince I need to
look into. Unless I should get up 1.5 hrs after the bird woke me. Am I
supposed to go to the library today? Did someone die around 4:25am this
morn? Is someone else thinking of a road trip this time of day? If I get up I don't know what I'm supposed to do. ... I received mail that might remain unopened depending on when my stress level can accept it. Like I said I can't manage this life alone anymore. It's mail from the same city court that a complaint was made about the time I was taken advantage of by a workman who was since arrested in a drug ring (I think by border patrol agents) and died from a heart attack. The lawyer who filed the small claims action on my behalf I stopped hearing from and then some hopeless local yokels told me I'll never see that money again and when they told me he died it was said to me in a way as if I had some emotional attachment to the man. He was listed on one of the local's facebook friends list and that's why they thought I had some emotional attachment to him - because it's small town boonies America where there is no justice because everyone knows everyone. No I'm just fucked time and again. And this person works with the developmentally disabled so I guess they think they know me. NOT. I did receive the Social Security harassment to answer winthin 30 days about working. Of course that's easy. They don't ask about volunteer experience I think. I've been disabled since 1978 and as far as I can tell my parents never filed for me to be disabled. It depends on what story mom is telling me. When the judge declared I was disabled he didn't go back that far. Those who believe in Karma aren't suprised. Those who know karma's an unfair concept for anyone might be able to go after justice. Yeah right I suffer from pipe dreams. ... Border patrol no matter where seems to be really corrupt: https://plus.google.com/u/0/101361411397323635452/posts/iPLDp4ikVNU?cfem=1. I'm owed BILLIONS for the innocent life taken from me in utter humiliation among many other things. ... oh yes and there is a young teen(?) generation of middle eastern men at the local fast food. I asked a question about my order so the new one had to go ask the older one and I could hear the female mockery in his voice. Things we Americans need to keep in mind. He sounded like he was middle eastern from the main land because he seemed to speak with an accent. Who owns these operations? Americans or foreigners? ... oh yes and it didn't register to mom that there is a letter sitting among my unopened mail from the all-salt no-fault insurance (that is opened) from some caseworker at the insurance of getting me involved with vocational rehabilitation services. What?!?! 30 years too late. And even if I did get involved I'd do it through Special Funds? My fucking god the garbage our lives were thrown away to. That brings up the issue of them doing this now. Why not way back??? As far as I know it's because the hand-tying of the world. The insurance doesn't admit to what they know about brain damage until the AMA and other shit that runs our lives do who hold the puppet strings of doctors, social workers, schools, etc. ... oh yes and during the time that mom sat silent, before I asked her if she's just not saying anything or doesn't know what to say, I brought her back to the time we would come home and Christine had finger licked the grease from cooking out of the pan. I then forwarded her in time when I was older and said something about it that she blew it off as if some people like to lick grease. I then reminded her again all that could have been done by going back to the children's hospital or otherwise about it because we now know that some brain damage blocks the sensation of taste. No worries. I'll be comfortably numb in a while. I'm feeling misunderstood by tribe and frustrated as a result but I'm finding that many people say things online that don't necessarily add up to their realtime lives. ... oh yes and a worker who recently came to the house brought me back to not being able to see my ex from the outside years ago - polite, hormonal(?), and dopey. Dopey is not an insult. It's "Beavis and Butthead" and "The Simpsons." NOT FOR ME. NOT MY TYPE OF HUMOR. I SOOO needed someone watching over me at 17 years of age. ... 6/17/18 Awake after 4 hours. Could have been the phone. Unknown dreams about
middle easterners. Earlier thought about young one from yesterday could
be suicide bomber. I'm upset mom is spending the weekend with her leg
down. Very upset. But I'll just drink another for sleep eventually to
take the edge off. ...
Dream I don't
remember much but young middle easterner was near me and there was some kind of dialogue or knowing and in the end
putting something on my person like wires in the top of my pants. My protest
to him doing that turned into Mariah Carey screams and then I was so terrified the screams
wouldn't come out anymore as my mouth was open and (trying) to scream. I've had dreams like that in grammar school where a dark figure would come over my bed in the dim light and I was so terrified the scream wouldn't come out. ... Yea so Season 3 Episode 1 of the Bionic woman seems to fit Christine. From a year before the accident and she wound up with bionic hearing alright. When I came to learn about brain injury 20 years too late I learned other injured have had the same (and same with taste sensation). ... 6/18/18 The problem with war: It doesn't matter if it's Clinton, Bush, Obama, or Trump, - there is something inherently wrong when there is major miscommunication within a war to find Osama Bin Laden going on for years and the man was merely TWELVE MILES away. The United States saw Pakistan as the friend so they provided money to them. Well guess who was recieving that money in Pakistan? The enemy. (I remember my India friend telling me Pakistan is the problem. That was in our discussions before I drove him to the border for that wedding I'm pretty sure). That is why this man, Amrullah Saleh resigned?:"Trust
but verify.The verification part is completely missing from d ongoing
ceasefire deal with the Talbn. The anti Taliban constituency which
provide the bulk of troops to ANDSF feel betrayed, confused & sold
out. If it is a pan Afghan deal then explain it to all. Why afraid ? 2 days ago · Twitter" WAKE UP! ... 6/20/18 So mom had to answer "if she goes tomorrow what will happen to
christine?" My initial response was "good question. What's the answer
mom?" I wasn't dodging the question. I just have no power to do
anything. Mom's response was "your sister will have to decide" and I
explained how awful that is. Absolute fucking disgust that our lives hang in the balance of an TBI undiagnosed hippy. That Chris will go to a group home and never
see me again - because I will not have this and was never prepared for it. Mom
comes out with" group homes are not so bad" and I simply went through the
history of how I lost my life due to keeping Chris out of things like
group homes. I started sounding like I was so important until it was
finally understood that I had no father and Claire wasn't around so the
full responsibility of me fell on mom who always couldn't do for me
because of Christine instead of getting Chris involved in services so I
could have needed attention and pointed out the example of the modeling
school instructor who said to give up the dream if I can't get to NYC
for auditions. I was driving home how all these years she's not answered
to anyone and no one appropriated our lives so that things MUST be done
right as they should have been from the start. Earlier I was sure to
introduce myself to two medical people pointing out the medical
injustices of Chris. I laid out all mom didn't that this was an entire family involved in car accident trauma. ...6/21/18 Separating children from their family is no different than me and Christine waking up in a hospital - and then dealing with the crushing of having mom not accept my phone calls anymore. And then molestation. And then the two guardians assigned by the Morris County Surrogate's Court hardly showed up; meanwhile my father came every Friday after work, especially since I started going home every weekend. One Friday I remember I threw up in his car. ... oh yes and I should say now or forever hold my peace that as I traveled up NY last week, between around 6:30am and 7am notions from this blog were coming out over the radio. I don't know if they do this on a daily basis or when they know I'm coming. The subject matter was about a mother who did her best and the notion that "No. The things she didn't do." I'm guessing that's an Albany station. People who don't have the moral ability to separate their job from life rape. Somewhere I saw something about the right to work regarding this weekend's march in DC for poor people.That's significant. ... 6/22/18 Can't remember much
of the dream coz I was half dead when I woke - I keep thinking it's
Saturday but it's not; it's Friday.. anyway I was with someone standing
in the foyer area of my bank in Potsdam in the dark. I withdrew money
from the atm and a cop reached the end of the stairs next to us and
physically let his guard down and said "Whew! It's you." I did not share
in his enthusiasm or "inside clique acceptance" as 2 cops in potsdam
have forever taken any trust I will ever have for police and given me an unsound way of existence with them. Another cop
was there. All I can remember. ... I forgot to mention
that since Chris has been home (on the 3rd month now) she hasn't had the
soiling problem anymore. That means her digestive problems are coming
directly from her workshop. Mom just left christine's shit counselor
Nancy another message as an update. Mom recently expressed her dismay at
Chris being out of shop for so long. Chris is not dismayed but these
sweet sounding immigrants come into this country ruining the full
potential of children. When I introduced myself to the 2 medical people
here the other day, one works with the ER doctor who left a bent bone in
my leg, I said the knowledge christine is child-like because untreated
seizures from brain damage only increase the brain damage and mom sat
there pffft'ing or saying no as if I'm a liar. This month with my period
I have pains creep up on my stomach I never had before. Not cramps.
Just passing sharp pains I don't recognize. The first one came as I was
getting my period. ... I just let it all out to one of the medical people that was here the
other day. Mom couldn't remember the directions said over speaker phone
to the aid the other day for christine's digital read out and as soon as
she said she'd have to put the phone down and go check it I went out
and said "no. You hit speaker phone and hang up the phone." Mom hit
speaker phone and was still confused about hanging up the phone so I had
to tell her again and then I verified the woman was on the phone and
said things like "This is why you need to go tell the morris county
surrogate's court this. She can't remember the simple directions you
gave in order to get the correct digital readout. That you simply
unplug it. I'm also concerned there's not a constant beeping noise like
the day you were here." It had beeped as mom pushed a button and I said
THAT was the constant beeping we're not hearing anymore as mom struggled
to read the machine. She started to give mom the directions while mom
was away from the phone and mom yelled "what? I can't hear you." The
irony!!! So I said more things like "that's why this needs to be taken
care of. This is why I asked to be christine's medical guardian. She
can't hear you, she can't see the digital readout, and she can't
remember directions. No don't unplug it. Wait for her to give you
directions." Mom went back over to the phone as I left the room. I never
received an answer as to why we are not hearing the beeping and the
beeping is not happening now. I guess we'll find out tomorrow when she
gets here. How ironic mom said "she should be in a rehab and not with me
here trying to do this." When it all boils down to mom convincing the
court I am no good based on me not talking to Claire because Claire
refused to take me in upon eviction from a nursing home saying for me
to go stay with mom. Today mom said I need to get out of here in
response to what I said to the speaker phone. Same shit of how mom
dodges responsibility of improper care. ... 4 hrs later and christine tells mom she doesn't think it's working
because it doesn't show any numbers. I think mom had to press a button
to get it started. If I were involved notes would be taken on what to
do. Oh and the owner's manual with directions is sitting in the black bag they left here right in the kitchen. I just verified with Chris if usually there is and there's not
now. Now mom goes over to Chris and I hear beeps. Now they're working on
it. Dah! mom says maybe the time is already up and I yell out "no it's
got to be on for ten hours and mom says maybe it's been ten hours. Big
difference from 5 or 4 hrs ago. Smfh. Still going at it. Something won't
stay said Chris. Mom was told these devices have been around for fifety
years. So was Christine's seizure medication but I didn't bother getting into it. Chris now doesn't know if it's
showing numbers. There's no continuos beeping just like yesterday. Nice
going morris county surrogate's court. ... Now mom is talking I
think to pat guide and said she talked to a lawyer near the mall who
said they can't do anything without a denial letter for medicaid and it
turns out Chris was in the wrong program but initially mom was saying
she'll pay someone to help get Chris out of the house as she declined an
upcoming event. Now mom is asking the person she's speaking to about
their lawyer. Unfuckingbelievable. Why doesn't she go back to the
lawyers who set up the medicaid? Because mom knows she doesn't understand what she got into and they're just going to say "Well you said...?" Ok so mom was asked about the help
Claire could do for Chris and mom said they're not always available for
that. Flashes to a miscarriage for an embryo not ready to enter this
chaos. I'm guessing mom is on the phone to make herself feel better. Now
mom is talking about the electric thing on christine's leg but only
says the woman will be here tomorrow. Now she's asking about the new
cleaning people she never heard back from so now she has a different
number for them. If that is pat guide ... lost my track of thought. This
was the lack of planning that ruined us - not just Christine - US. I know - she has a sibling and
not a child she
cares for like mom. That sibling also doesn't have brain damage. Mom is talking
about she hasn't done anything yet about something. What could that be?
Probably moving. ... 6/23/18 So today the woman never showed and mom still forgot to unplug the
device to get the correct readout. ... She's waiting for a call back. I
don't know if Chris has the device on or not. Dr mob runner wasted 2
months with an old fashioned cast and then finally the boot...so someone
did show and as mom was complaining about the readout I chimed in it's
because she forgot the simple directions of unplugging it. Then I rolled
into she shouldn't be caring for Christine. She can't hear, she can't
see - she shouldn't be driving. She protested the driving and I said she
has glaucoma. She said she takes her eyedrops and she's fine. I started
in about her shoulders can't turn the wheel but the conversation went
back to the device based on the worker that came to the house being ready to proceed. I did get my question answered about the beeping and
beeping is a bad sign. ... 6/24/18 Dream: I was kissed on the lips by a married man with intention. A
moment of squirm, confusion, what???, no. All I can remember. Lazy hygeine has given me some
pain I've had before. This time it's real bad. Oh well. An infection to
help me pass on? I'll take it! I threw up my dinner last night. I don't
have the appetite for a full meal pretty much anymore. Yesterday I
timed my day out that I didn't throw up at all but then after 1/2 a
burger on lettuce with sweet potato fries I received the dreaded
hacking(?) cough and out came everything including the alcohol. Maybe
spirit is helping my weight with bulemia. I'm so used to the patterns of
my vomits; maybe it's biological. What I could have been in life. 6/25/18 What I could have been. Smh. ... 6/26/18 Yesterday I was spoken to condescendingly. Although I understand that's partly my fault for keeping to myself and looking the sight by having no clothes left, it still irks me. I think it was the night before last that I took note of 2 cars passing by the house. Have to wonder if they were looking for signs of possible senior abuse. Could just be paranoia. Christine's device looks all screwed up. She seems really acclimated to being home all day every day though. I get her in touch with TV shows as much as possible and I guess it's a blessing at this time she finds my gas and other things funny. ... Today is PAIN and I have walking/back pain on top of it. Some apple cider vinegar in water took some edge off of the pain. ... well part of the construction is automated toilets that supposedly use motion sensors - not cameras. Long ago there was a category of porn called "scat" and it was pictures of people using the toilet. That's one situation I would get a tattoo right on my butt cheek for the very purpose of proving some things that are happening. ... 6/27/18 Dream: Chris was sitting in our new home that lacked a roof and proper walls. The white-painted walls were sheered in places and there were other houses around. I was talking to Christine and I was sitting behind a still-standing partitioned outside wall to the left of the open doorway Chris was sitting in front of. A
female border patrol agent(?) was there and kept asking her questions that Chris answered (because she doesn't understand the abuse of power social aspect to the situation) and after each
one her phone would slide up and down as if taking a pic. She didn't
know I was standing behind the wall partition and walked away. We
caught eye contact and I walked away not wanting /trusting about being
questioned but had the feeling behind me she was on her way back and
she was sliding her phone up and down. From what I can remember it was a creepy woman and creepy situation. I don't think she spoke but in silence she just kept having her smart phone slide up and down at me. I got woken up by fucking
landscapers. ... 6/28/18 So today's right of way had to do with me entering a parking lot for a drive-thru straight ahead. I enter the parking lot and a blue pick up is headed right at me from a parking spot. Sort of blocks me from going forward as he rolls down the window and I was just going to drive around him and proceed but he yelled something and ended it with "asshole" so the time was just there for me to join in after he's past me I get my window open and yell a non-expletive answer. Everyone has an asshole for survival. What's your point buddy? This morning Christine took a temper tantrum in the shower because her back was hurting her. I rolled out to make sure I was hearing correctly as mom did her unhelpful "It does?" "It does?" and that's when I say how it's no surprise due to all the things I know followed up by "Some of us know these things because we've already been through this" "Some of us think others are incompetent to know these things and lie in a court just to get their way" - paraphrase. I also noticed the weight Chris seems to be putting on while she's inactive. I don't know if it was the shirt she was wearing that was making it more obvious. ... wow 7 years old without medical trauma. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQRnp8U9AJw. I can't remember crying when my mother told me to not call so much anymore and I'm pretty sure I still called until she rejected my calls altogher. Then I do remember not calling home anymore. What would Claire say? The past is the past. As a child I thought as a child and as an adult I think as an adult. No biblical room for developmental issues. Maybe long term effects? I'm just not a fake-it-til-you-make-it person which is probably a person that exists as a result of early brain damage. smh. ... 7/2/18 The last thing I needed to come across today was Rachel Canning. And I'm frivolous??? Christine's electronic bone speed healing thing is being worn under the boot on the outer calf. Nice way to bone speed heal a fractured foot! I'm pretty sure it's all wrong but don't pay too much attention as my repetitious life will just say the same thing that Judge Deanne M. Wilson royally fucked up and "I told you so."... I am so completely restless today. I want a life. * eye roll. * I could have had a life. Who left us here?... I hope federal bracelets for DACA work better than this: https://www.syracuse.com/news/index.ssf/2013/03/it_took_less_than_one_minute_f.html. ... Nice Happy Meal box I saw today lol. Should I make anything of it? ... 7/3/18 Oh yes and as I come across an accident that has a highschool friend's name in a town where a different high school friend lives (neither of which will talk to me - they're not joyous I FINALLY found out what was wrong with me 20 years too late) I'm reminded last night about the news that says persons over 65(?) need to take a renewal of their driver's license every year. Newsflash: California already does this. How is the ACLU of CA sleep-walking if the ACLU of NY is threatening age discrimination? CA has too many rear end crashes on clear blue sky days by young people as it is - as I found out the hard way. I told mom she's not going to pass. What's she going to do then? Go back to the surrogate's court or call claire to drive her around? Her answer is secretly to waste Dad's money. Aka the abuse of his disabled children. ... oh and the name of the first (probably a relative of) high school friend is the same who took over the job near tribe for putting in an underground gas pipe. ... 7/4/18 Claire will be here soon although I don't know how many are going out to
eat. I just had a flash that if Claire died in a car crash on the way
here this guardianship would have to be redone. It's thundering out.
Those delusions of fear were the norm put out by mom growing up here.
Pink Floyd's song talks about it: "mama's gonna put all of her fears into
you...ooh babe...hush mama's gonna help build a wall." I've sooooo paid a price being left in this house.
Psychologists and psychiatrists had a heyday while mom was securely
under her immigrant status. I started this when I heard doors close
outside but actually it will probably be a 1/2 hour before they get
here. Once they leave I need to shower. It's raining now. That will make
it all the more difficult. Have had flashes lately of how my ex joined
in the reckless oversight of me citing how those in Africa have it worse and unfortunately he was emulating his hero - and I wound up paying the price rather than an appropriate life ... ok she's here. Tj and mom makes a
joke of what her mother would say. Christopher and Claire. Claire
commented the only problem coming here was bad drivers. I heard Robo in
that statement. Trying to figure out how to get out in the rain. Mom's
taking her own car. Robo is outside in car waiting. Is the friend?
Claire asks about the cleaning. Tells mom how bad ... oh robodick let
himself in... anyway Claire commented I THINK on the haphazard way mom
had her medical stocking on. No friend came in. They're downstairs with
mom and tj going down the elevator. So Claire came back inside to get a
bag of something and robodick had a cigarette hanging out his mouth when
he put some stuff in the trunk. That's the disregardful longsuffering Claire has signed herself up for through brainwashing. Claire commented I was parked over too
far. If the friend is no longer around it might be because she cares
about being treated as a woman should be treated - children as well. I
must go do personal care while I can. I might wait for the storm to end. ... The rain came back hard as soon as they drove down the street. Mom
probably made it thru ok improvising for her sight problems and
"scared." Robodick was annoyed mom couldn't hear him. He was explaining
he needs the right tools for something. It's still raining and the
thunder sounds further away. ... They're back 3 hrs later. My delusional visions of
mom crashing didn't happen. My LEARNED delusion. Watch the John Candy movie with the Irish mother. [You took me for a joke ... I see right through you]. Robodick yells down ok to mom and Chris asks him to take off her jacket. Robodick says he's going to head out and said Thankyou. For what??? Did mom pay his meal??? Or I should say did dad pay his meal? Whatever they're talking about mom keeps saying "Huh?" because she can't hear. Someone came up the stairs and went back down. I think they're out. Robodick told Chris it was good seeing her. Claire knows mom has real problems because she doesn't carry thru on anything like kicking me out or claiming elder abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if she's tried. Feeling sad. Mom still isn't up here. Yep they're down talking because their car is still there. I think both Claire and robodick just came up the stairs. Rearranging the refrigerator? (learned on 7/5/18 Claire emptied out old milk that was accummulating in the fridge). Now mom says bye to christopher. He goes down. Mom says thanks. Don't forget to have Claire take christine's new watch out of the box. I think they're putting the shopping away. (No they didn't because mom said not to due to the directions she'd have to give Claire). I think they're gone because mom is checking her messages. Claire still here. Came out of christine's bathroom. She may have messed with my stuff. She needs to leave my bag alone in there. Claire said a hopeless hippie goodbye to christine. I just asked and apparently she didn't touch my garbage. ... 7/5/18 Something happened to Christine's foot with yesterday and I don't doubt it's spiritual. What is not spiritual (sort of) is the sad reaction of mom for me to "just get out. Just get out" when pointing out to her that Christine's back problem already happened. This isn't a matter of IF it will happen. It already DID. Chris was screaming coming out of the shower today because of back pain. The aid informed mom that her foot is all red and swollen. I just happened to be there to hear it. I verified it wasn't that way the day before yesterday. I informed the aid that Christine already had the clubbed foot probably due to improper medical care through the years. What would mom say? "Lots of people have that same condition!" Today I made it crystal clear we never should have been left in this care. Later on I asked mom if I should just get out because mom needs to avoid admitting the lies she told. Actually by turning me off through the years and ignoring me mom is all alone left in this heavenly space that everything came out ok. Last week when Christine's back hurt I said she has a springy mattress. Mom seemed surprised as if it makes no differnce and when I said about getting a new mattress mom said they make all beds too high these days. (Oh and I forgot I was suprised to see the owner's manual sitting by mom's chair about Christine's electronic gadget yesterday(?)). She said Aunt Maureen ran into that problem and had to get the store to get a lower bed. I told her she has to do the same damn thing for Chris! I can tell mom doesn't want to do it. Or admit to anyone that's the case either. The first time I saw distress of Christine's back was about a year or more ago when we were waiting for seating at the Diner. I need to sit down right away but after a while Chris spoke up (or started crying) because she needed to sit down. Day before yesterday I went to my car when this place closed and I realized I left my passenger side window about a 1/4 of the way down. That means the thunderstorm with pouring rain we had went right into my car. I checked to see if anything was missing but there's so much shit in my car it's hard to tell. I immediately checked to see if my arctic pants were still there. Whew! Still there. Those are a real life saver for when you have to sleep in your car from the months of late October until about May. I had turned off the AC and opened both windows trying to hear for a rattling noise I'm hearing under my car when I turn right. I didn't hear it but the other night I heard it turning right up a hill so I have to get my car checked soon. It's still without a heat shield and some other recommendations. I can't turn the engine on until I've turned the key so that the gas needle gets to a stop position. Otherwise, it just buzzes. That happened after I had to push the heat shield off the bottom of my car because it was dragging. My car was with an open window for ten hours. Today I checked for the boots my ex gave me long ago and they were still there that I've written about before on here. They are a pivotal point in us. They are really good and expensive snow boots that he got for $5 because they were the last pair where he worked. When he saw what he took as my unappreciation for them it's so telling. I'm fucking handicapped! Jesus! I will never enjoy the outdoors like him! I was made worse by his own doctor recommendation (partly). Fucking christ the things that can happen to 17 year olds without family protections - particularly fathers or brothers. That's something I brought up to mom today of how needlessly we missed out. We have educated Americans in the family but they are on dad's side and we lost touch. We children have suffered so much. ... oh there's one more thing I want to add for record's sake. Since the police blew me off and wouldn't do anything, I guess it would be homeland security looking into about the time I tried to get my Facebook page back when I saw a 1-800 number listed in California and a supposed address in Sacramento. This middle easterner was helping me and was given my passwords. Nothing has been out of place since but any emails he gave me were all illegitimate and my mother had 2 illegitimate purchases on her credit card in CA. The second one cancelled because the credit card company called us right away after the second purchase and declined it. So why worry? This guy has access to my email. I can't put it into words but mark my words, that is something to look out for. Is he illegitimate? The company has headquarters I think in Minnesota. I've just been too exhausted to look further into it. I have all notes about the situation though. ... and the last thing I need is to be asked if I took my meds today in stating I have a problem explaining myself due to brain injury like happened after 9/11 after I called about my input about Potsdam. ... 7/10/18 DRIVERS!! The most serious one is the bus for Adult Day Care Center out of Newark. I first found this oversized business vehicle odd for being in the left lane and he was going slower than my usual so I had to pass him on the right where all the sewer dips make driving in the right lane extremely uncomfortable. I get back in the left lane and at the next light I hear what would not be revving but it would be trying to speed up a big vehicle quickly as they are not automatics ususally. So he is putting both bus and passengers in danger and passes me and goes in front of me. Lo and behold there is a car that makes a left over 2 lanes to get in front of me and it's a damn good thing no one was in the right lane. I had to get in the right lane rather than slam on my brakes. I lay on the horn as I pass them on the right and they lay back so I continue. At the next(? - or it could have been the light of my destination) light you still hear the driver of the bus "revving the engine" to drive quickly. The honker kept riding real close to me until they turned off the same area where last year I encountered the bunch of yelling guys in the car and I laid on the horn (where the truck in front of us was driving half in and out of his lane). I kept saying outloud "Don't fuck with me" as I just tried staying away from confrontation. I was lucky that all the lights we stopped at she(?) wasn't next to me. So it was after the honker turned off that the bus driver is killing the engine of the bus. Dude you are going to get in big trouble with your job if you keep it up. You are responsible for lives and drivers of businesses and business vehicles like that should always be in the right lane! I won't be the one calling your driving in. I do not want to be greeted with "Did you take your meds today?" let alone my situation would normally make me a qualified candidate for adult day care. Most likely nothing will happen of this situation. Vulnerable adults of adult day care, let alone all handicapped, are the ones usually thrown under the bus. No particular pun intended. So earlier this week I pulled in and parked in the driveway and a high vehicle pulled in. What the fuck is this. Is this Claire I have to face? I'm not sure if Danielle noticed the relief on my face when she made herself known. I opened the garage for her and she kept her vehicle running because she only came by for a signature. I waited downstairs and as she came down the second set of stairs I told her what mom didn't even bother mentioning that since not being in shop Chris is not having the soiling problem anymore and so something is wrong with the food at her shop. She said that it will definitely be taken care of if/when Chris gets back to work. Where's the alarm bell for the handicapped???? If this is happening to Chris what about all the other people at her work??? Isn't there an alarm bell for the handicapped? Like I said we're thrown under the bus as Judge Wilson, Cristina Accardi Mirda, and Stephen J. Straub know very well. Just look at the California Prop that failed to bring medical malpratice caps up to date with the standard of living. We were thrown under the bus with that too. There's more that's happened in the past few days that I haven't recorded that will come back to me. This is erroneously telling me I have cookies disabled:
mom crashing didn't happen. My LEARNED delusion. Watch the John Candy movie with the Irish mother. [You took me for a joke ... I see right through you]. Robodick yells down ok to mom and Chris asks him to take off her jacket. Robodick says he's going to head out and said Thankyou. For what??? Did mom pay his meal??? Or I should say did dad pay his meal? Whatever they're talking about mom keeps saying "Huh?" because she can't hear. Someone came up the stairs and went back down. I think they're out. Robodick told Chris it was good seeing her. Claire knows mom has real problems because she doesn't carry thru on anything like kicking me out or claiming elder abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if she's tried. Feeling sad. Mom still isn't up here. Yep they're down talking because their car is still there. I think both Claire and robodick just came up the stairs. Rearranging the refrigerator? (learned on 7/5/18 Claire emptied out old milk that was accummulating in the fridge). Now mom says bye to christopher. He goes down. Mom says thanks. Don't forget to have Claire take christine's new watch out of the box. I think they're putting the shopping away. (No they didn't because mom said not to due to the directions she'd have to give Claire). I think they're gone because mom is checking her messages. Claire still here. Came out of christine's bathroom. She may have messed with my stuff. She needs to leave my bag alone in there. Claire said a hopeless hippie goodbye to christine. I just asked and apparently she didn't touch my garbage. ... 7/5/18 Something happened to Christine's foot with yesterday and I don't doubt it's spiritual. What is not spiritual (sort of) is the sad reaction of mom for me to "just get out. Just get out" when pointing out to her that Christine's back problem already happened. This isn't a matter of IF it will happen. It already DID. Chris was screaming coming out of the shower today because of back pain. The aid informed mom that her foot is all red and swollen. I just happened to be there to hear it. I verified it wasn't that way the day before yesterday. I informed the aid that Christine already had the clubbed foot probably due to improper medical care through the years. What would mom say? "Lots of people have that same condition!" Today I made it crystal clear we never should have been left in this care. Later on I asked mom if I should just get out because mom needs to avoid admitting the lies she told. Actually by turning me off through the years and ignoring me mom is all alone left in this heavenly space that everything came out ok. Last week when Christine's back hurt I said she has a springy mattress. Mom seemed surprised as if it makes no differnce and when I said about getting a new mattress mom said they make all beds too high these days. (Oh and I forgot I was suprised to see the owner's manual sitting by mom's chair about Christine's electronic gadget yesterday(?)). She said Aunt Maureen ran into that problem and had to get the store to get a lower bed. I told her she has to do the same damn thing for Chris! I can tell mom doesn't want to do it. Or admit to anyone that's the case either. The first time I saw distress of Christine's back was about a year or more ago when we were waiting for seating at the Diner. I need to sit down right away but after a while Chris spoke up (or started crying) because she needed to sit down. Day before yesterday I went to my car when this place closed and I realized I left my passenger side window about a 1/4 of the way down. That means the thunderstorm with pouring rain we had went right into my car. I checked to see if anything was missing but there's so much shit in my car it's hard to tell. I immediately checked to see if my arctic pants were still there. Whew! Still there. Those are a real life saver for when you have to sleep in your car from the months of late October until about May. I had turned off the AC and opened both windows trying to hear for a rattling noise I'm hearing under my car when I turn right. I didn't hear it but the other night I heard it turning right up a hill so I have to get my car checked soon. It's still without a heat shield and some other recommendations. I can't turn the engine on until I've turned the key so that the gas needle gets to a stop position. Otherwise, it just buzzes. That happened after I had to push the heat shield off the bottom of my car because it was dragging. My car was with an open window for ten hours. Today I checked for the boots my ex gave me long ago and they were still there that I've written about before on here. They are a pivotal point in us. They are really good and expensive snow boots that he got for $5 because they were the last pair where he worked. When he saw what he took as my unappreciation for them it's so telling. I'm fucking handicapped! Jesus! I will never enjoy the outdoors like him! I was made worse by his own doctor recommendation (partly). Fucking christ the things that can happen to 17 year olds without family protections - particularly fathers or brothers. That's something I brought up to mom today of how needlessly we missed out. We have educated Americans in the family but they are on dad's side and we lost touch. We children have suffered so much. ... oh there's one more thing I want to add for record's sake. Since the police blew me off and wouldn't do anything, I guess it would be homeland security looking into about the time I tried to get my Facebook page back when I saw a 1-800 number listed in California and a supposed address in Sacramento. This middle easterner was helping me and was given my passwords. Nothing has been out of place since but any emails he gave me were all illegitimate and my mother had 2 illegitimate purchases on her credit card in CA. The second one cancelled because the credit card company called us right away after the second purchase and declined it. So why worry? This guy has access to my email. I can't put it into words but mark my words, that is something to look out for. Is he illegitimate? The company has headquarters I think in Minnesota. I've just been too exhausted to look further into it. I have all notes about the situation though. ... and the last thing I need is to be asked if I took my meds today in stating I have a problem explaining myself due to brain injury like happened after 9/11 after I called about my input about Potsdam. ... 7/10/18 DRIVERS!! The most serious one is the bus for Adult Day Care Center out of Newark. I first found this oversized business vehicle odd for being in the left lane and he was going slower than my usual so I had to pass him on the right where all the sewer dips make driving in the right lane extremely uncomfortable. I get back in the left lane and at the next light I hear what would not be revving but it would be trying to speed up a big vehicle quickly as they are not automatics ususally. So he is putting both bus and passengers in danger and passes me and goes in front of me. Lo and behold there is a car that makes a left over 2 lanes to get in front of me and it's a damn good thing no one was in the right lane. I had to get in the right lane rather than slam on my brakes. I lay on the horn as I pass them on the right and they lay back so I continue. At the next(? - or it could have been the light of my destination) light you still hear the driver of the bus "revving the engine" to drive quickly. The honker kept riding real close to me until they turned off the same area where last year I encountered the bunch of yelling guys in the car and I laid on the horn (where the truck in front of us was driving half in and out of his lane). I kept saying outloud "Don't fuck with me" as I just tried staying away from confrontation. I was lucky that all the lights we stopped at she(?) wasn't next to me. So it was after the honker turned off that the bus driver is killing the engine of the bus. Dude you are going to get in big trouble with your job if you keep it up. You are responsible for lives and drivers of businesses and business vehicles like that should always be in the right lane! I won't be the one calling your driving in. I do not want to be greeted with "Did you take your meds today?" let alone my situation would normally make me a qualified candidate for adult day care. Most likely nothing will happen of this situation. Vulnerable adults of adult day care, let alone all handicapped, are the ones usually thrown under the bus. No particular pun intended. So earlier this week I pulled in and parked in the driveway and a high vehicle pulled in. What the fuck is this. Is this Claire I have to face? I'm not sure if Danielle noticed the relief on my face when she made herself known. I opened the garage for her and she kept her vehicle running because she only came by for a signature. I waited downstairs and as she came down the second set of stairs I told her what mom didn't even bother mentioning that since not being in shop Chris is not having the soiling problem anymore and so something is wrong with the food at her shop. She said that it will definitely be taken care of if/when Chris gets back to work. Where's the alarm bell for the handicapped???? If this is happening to Chris what about all the other people at her work??? Isn't there an alarm bell for the handicapped? Like I said we're thrown under the bus as Judge Wilson, Cristina Accardi Mirda, and Stephen J. Straub know very well. Just look at the California Prop that failed to bring medical malpratice caps up to date with the standard of living. We were thrown under the bus with that too. There's more that's happened in the past few days that I haven't recorded that will come back to me. This is erroneously telling me I have cookies disabled:
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... The headline is: U.S. Border Patrol agent faces charges of distributing child pornography: http://thehill.com/homenews/395308-us-border-patrol-faces-charges-of-distributing-child-pornogrpahy?amp&__twitter_impression=true. I truly lost my life truly truly truly. Flashes of the Morris County surrogate's court. Ok time to go drink my life away. ... 7/11/18 Where should I start? Home or the road? Ok freshest in my mind is the driving experience. I avoided the road from yesterday just because. The commercial vehicle in the left lane today is more understandable because they're not local - Daily's Frozen Cocktails out of South Amboy - and I never usually encounter commercial trucks driving in the left lane unless they are passing. I wonder if he/she knows or remembers the very hill they were going down has a huge sign with a constant flashing light on it for trucks to use low gear because of the woman who had to be washed out of the car long ago due to the truck that couldn't stop at the light at the end of the hill. Many people were pissed off with this slowness in the left lane but I didn't care - I was in no hurry. I get to the crossover area and I see flashing lights. I was diverted back to the undesirable road due to a car on it's roof and air bags deployed. Came out right in the area where yesterday's honker made a left. I took double the time getting here today because I had to turn back home to get things that help my day under current conditions. Before I had left home, the scene was me taking it easy due to current conditions and I saw both home visitors. The first was what I thought was a medical person for Christine's bone speed healing electronic gadget. Christine is home for yet another month. (Dr. mob-runner said it's healing - just slowly. Gee I wonder why?) It turns out this person is just a sales person and explained she wears scrubs just for comfort - I think. I was barely involved as she spoke to mom but it was verified this gadget has been done all wrong. The big round piece is not supposed to be hanging on the calf (inner or outer) at all. The person who came to the house today (and the last time) is not the same person - I don't think - that I had mom put on speaker phone and I said how much this needs to go back to the surrogate's court - who works with and/or knows the doctor that left a bent bone in my leg. I have no idea if they are also a sales person. I thought they were medical. So then the aid comes to the house and life is just rolling along until I had to point out the gadget had been done wrong all along. Mom started up with her "just get out of here!" and I went from 0 to 60 in .2 seconds flat to correct her. I don't know what the aid was thinking of what she had just observed but it was poignant of how things suddenly changed. I'm not the problem. Being left with a guardian who is not sufficiently explaining to the aid what the previous sales person WHO WAS JUST HERE AND WALKED MOM THROUGH is the problem. The disregard of our lives post accident is the problem and perhaps my reaction to it - which is brain injury related. Like how many circles are going to run around in here? When I had returned home I found out Chris was again in a lot of pain with her back and the aid was putting bengay on her back. She needs more than bengay. Before I had left the house I said to mom this is probably karma that we were some of the boys she bullied reborn to her 40something years ago just staying in the same rut. And I remembered last night what I forgot yesterday and forget again but maybe it will come back to me today. ... Nope hasn't come back but what's Claire have to say of the above? "Mom did her best." Riiiiiiggghht! Brain washed just right. smh. ... 7/12/18 So the scat porn bathrooms are now being completed for the entire building. Oh yes, Cristina Mirda have I got a thing or two to say to you. Particularly you because I'm pretty sure almost ten years ago it was you who used my disability against me as being incapable of getting proper care for Christine. Remember me making a point about the undiagnoses that exist in my family? Ok here's the thing. I happened to see exactly where the ring is to be placed. Christine STILL is not wearing the gadget on her leg correctly. Why? Her guardian has the need for repetition. That is no different than what I was diagnosed with after being recklessly disability-ignored by Christine's guardian. The difference though is I took on the responsibility of recognizing and coping with my diagnosis. As soon as I knew the problem I took lots of notes in any environment and asked questions in making sure I understood. My mother also has a short attention span and from this side of these eyes, her immigrant status protects her from having to answer to a lot of demand-to-know that is insisted on Americans. She's been protected from the psychiatric, psychological, and neuroskill needs. My reaction to her disregard of our medical lives has been used against me and Christine suffers to say the least. A short attention span, needing repetition, and many other things are absolutely nothing new growing up in my mother's house. Ready to finally admit to the court that I'm right and need to be Christine's medical guardian??? Do you have any idea who was in the audience that day that Judge Wilson cited in making her decision against me??? It might be helpful to know who that person from Adam was. Christine recognizes your name so it seems you are still involved. ... oh and I commented to my mother this morning it's still not on right. She had no response. Did she not hear me? ... and I'm envisioning the oversight that many times happens. My mother will say to not listen to me and it's done right. What needs to happen is the salesperson needs to be called to verify. Mom has a way of hiding her soiled hands behind her back. ... I knew there was a reason I'm head over heels about Judge Judy: "Q: I'm just wondering how you maintain decorum in what is it supposed to be a serious setting and still make it entertaining sometimes A: I don't as you know if you've been watching the one thing that I'm very careful about is if you are a litigant that is in any way challenged, I'm not talking about being a smartass. I'm talking about being challenged in any way whether somebody is addicted to drugs, as someone has a mental disability ... I tend to pull back because A. I really don't think that people who suffer from certain disabilities should be on a television program. Sometimes you don't know until they're there and sometimes you don't know until they come out and you ask a few questions. You know if I'll say to somebody in a wise guy way 'Are you taking any prescription medication?' because they which is a code word for it 'you just smoke a little weed before you came today?' and if they say 'yes I take prescription medication' and they start to tell me that they take psychotropic medication you know that's prescribed by a doctor, for to all of television all of reality television is exploitive, because that's what it is. Whether it's my voice any thing that is unscripted, exploits guests, nighttime television, Conan, Colbert. You know they have guests on, that's their exploiting their talent but we should not exploit people so you have to maintain a certain decorum. When different from when somebody's trying to pull the wool over your eyes when somebody's trying to give you the business I say listen it's there's only one star in the show I got the job it's not an audition you know it's my pen then. I hope I answered your question." from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxmTSJLCq4g Judge Judy | Full Q&A | Oxford Union. ... oh yes and yesterday when I turned back home, I hadn't been aware of what happened just before I got in. Today the aid said she wasn't giving Christine a shower and both my mother and I asked "Why not??" and the sad part is mom was there to know what happened but due to no hearing aid or whatever had no idea. It turns out that just before I got back and as stepping out of the shower Christine started shaking and it sounds like it was due to her foot that's being treated. Christine agreed with the aid today in unison and said it was because she almost fell yesterday. The aid doesn't want to take a chance because she will not be able to pick Chris up. That's Ok but my concern is more about her head and body falling on the ceramic tile. I chimed in "As I said Chris needs to go back to physical therapy now..." I was cut off by mom saying she knows. Well who is she discussing that knowledge with? Probably no one and so she has no way to make sense of her duties to her children which has been the history of this house. I also said "they might come back and say she already has the exercises for home therapy" and had Chris kept up her exercises she'd remember what to do and not look confused. I got into the territory that is off-limits because I guess mom doesn't buy it - that she needs a therapist to come here because she needs that structure and is not into keeping it up without that. In further explaining I said we were thrust into this medical situation and never dealt with the (life long) impacts. That's when mom rolled her eyes. ... 7/14/18 Can't remember whole dream but it was in syracuse downtown that I was
talking to or inquiring to 4 young men college kids in what I think was a dorm room and one was
native american who was listening intently to me but shaking his head up
and down in a way inconsistent with the conversation as if bopping his head along to a song. I think he wore a
blue backwards baseball cap and his hair short and braided and I zeroed in my
attention to him. All I remember. I'm pretty sure I also had a dream that I was surprised to see in my bag the zip lock bag filled with unused baby wipes. I was surprised they weren't all used up but relieved it saved me a trip so to speak ... last night I finally said to mom
the ring on christine's boot is wrong and mom insisted it wasn't until
she finally said she'll call Monday and tell them I said it's wrong. I said sure
right use the info you need but still don't totally fix the problem by
having someone look out for her proper medical care - paraphrase. I said at least she doesn't
have the soiling problem anymore being home. Stay home another month. ...
so our garage door opened out of the blue last week when I was home alone with Christine which would be
electronic hacking unless mom was in the area pressing a button by
accident which I doubt. ... as I sit here early, all asleep, I'm reminded
when Chris only started sleeping through the night after being put on
seizure meds and how mom would say that's a lie and me in court saying
how the school called her saying Chris was falling asleep so mom's next alibi
is that she stopped giving Chris caffeine after a certain time. Mom is
forgetting I lived here full time for a year after hs. I remember. I was
also here full time on breaks. So that when I would come home for
different reasons after Chris was put on meds I noticed the difference. I could be
forgetting something but I know it was an every night thing she would wake up while I was still awake at 2am. Many times I had to tell her to go back to bed (because you don't start your day at 2am). ... there is still significant events from last
week I can't remember with mom's incapacity. I been on this message for 2
hrs. ... About today's driving I happened to have my window open for the heat when I screamed seeing a blue car start to drive into me. It was the same uturn where many people make it two lanes - one to get to the outer lanes and one for the immediate right lane where last year some young one started bee-bopping his head in the car after successfully blocking me thinking that I was trying to cut him off. There was an unusually large truck on the left of the uturn obviously getting into the far left lane from the uturn and cars started to form a right lane. As I pulled into the middle lane and drove forward I noticed the blue car headed to the lane in front of me but obviously it wasn't there turn to move. As I realized it was moving as I was passing it I screamed and beeped the horn not sure if I did it simultaneously. Thank god she saw me. I looked back and I guess it was her passenger looking back to see if anyone was coming behind her. The types of mishaps and close-calls on the roads. ... 7/15/18 Ok let's talk about top-secret(?) info that would make me sound like I
belong in the looney bin simply because I'm an ordinary - bioterrorism.
Remember the finger that was torturing me? Well now it's happening to my
thumb. It started when I was back at the computer I'm usually always at
- sort of. I used to always sit at the computer where it happened the
first time and simply because one day it was taken I started going to
the one now. Construction forced me yesterday to go to a different floor
and will stay that way until the scat porn bathrooms are done. So this
time I did not wait until my finger got worse very long. 2nd day I put a
medicated bandaid on it and it is covered and is excruciating pain. I
don't know if there's a tie in with my other situation due to lazy
hygiene. There are many lazy hygiene days I've had unemployed and
losing my future in potsdam. Any normal person knows there's no need there's no need in that situation but I'm getting a feeling (at least on 7/18/18 simply because the inappropriate psychologist seemed to get that out of left field - she may have a problem with my weight - is that what she means by hygiene?) that some rumor mill started about me due to Potsdam. As a matter of fact when the police
entered my home pulling me into another form of rape it was any other
lazy day and probably used against me as at one point Wentworth and
Daniels were laughing about the struggle with me. We now have cameras
and such that reveal cops do that all the time like the coin flip app
incident. On the day this new finger situation started pink-shirted
innocent-looking prolonged-sitting person to my left dually noted. I'm
trying to die peacefully with no pain but apparently that is not the
plan for others if my wild imagination sounding story is true. Enuf for
now. I was woken up twice by the thunder and I keep up on that prolonged
volcano in Hawaii. As far as lazy hygiene through the years, that is
normal on days when you live by yourself and/or have no obligations
which is like the life I was given in potsdam. If I'm still alive those
billions owed will come in handy. Who's reading this email? A terrorist , nonterrorist, would-be terrorist, future terrorist, wannabe terrorist, ? ... Today's blowout started after I tried to show Chris how to hit info to
see what channel is on and she can't see the readout. When I said "well
that's because of your guardian who didn't insist you wear your glasses" mom said "well she's sitting far away" and I said "so am I!" Things
topped out at mom saying she never threw out glasses. Christine did.
Riiiiiggghht?!?!?!. I don't think so. Mom's memory or mom's lies? Repulsion we were left here. Mom
won't really say why she won't go back to her home for good. Just says
she came here to work and to stay. ... 7/17/18 Too crazy to get to puter again today. While I remember what I kept
remembering and forgetting about "last week" it was over someone from
church to be prayed for. I informed oblivious mom it is the sibling of
one of my childhood bullies and it makes sense they would be prayed for
if fatal sickness runs in the family. Oblivious mom was informed that
that family owned the business next to our accident and I was surprised mom
had no idea that was the case. I informed oblivious mom that this bully
challenged me to a physical fight at a certain place and time but I
didn't go. I informed oblivious mom of how fun I was made of for not
understanding sexual things when kids that age were learning and how I
had no sisters to help me understand life let alone an irish mother who
depended on the school to teach me. Add on to that child molestation
when I wasn't protected and all alone in a hospital. Oblivious mom is
still oblivious. I think that bully went on to have a gay partner which
is shocking in life as I know it but not at all when you understand the
"coming out" of life. Today was another situation where a nurse was able
to see things going on with how lacksidaisical mom is in our medical
lives. Did I make a bad impression? Idk but mom's lack was obvious. I'm
owed billions for the life I lost. I chimed in Chris is on her 4th
month home. All the nurse was asking and mom was just sitting there
but me agreeing with the nurse about asking questions. So much came out. When there was the
question of medical transport and other things I chimed in "I'm right
here. As I've been here saying for 5 years go fix this at the morris
county surrogate's court." Mom said a lot thru the whole thing that all
she did was prove turning me off and prove a lot of what I'm saying.
When I was chiming in about the cure I gave mom about her fungal problem
and she stopped doing it for an arbitrary reason I started to explain
my own success with it and mom started talking over me and she did it
again until I finally told her to STOP IT. I'M RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO
ADMIT TO MY OWN DISABILITY ADMITTING I cant do 2 things like that. Mom
also took a stab at saying I'm lazy and I asked how is it then that I'll
go sit at a computer for ten hours? The aid shook her head to that but
today I finished a conversation about having a college degree but not
being able to figure out how to close a ziplock bag that was opened
wrong. I told about how an employment agency stopped calling me back
after they had me do a one day envelope stuffing job - although I think I
said that forgetting about another job so the envelope stuffing job wasn't the last. I sound pathetic having a
college degree and not being able to finish stuffing envelopes within
the alotted time. I also forgot about the short time I was employed in
Cali but my boss couldn't recommend me to an east coast company due to my failure at basic paper
filing even though I was great on the phone, computer, details, and
assurance in making sure things were done as she wanted. The business had failed due to her top worker doing things as they saw fit and it was all NOT what she told him - but I do that anyway. ... 7/18/18 Pain is still excruciating. It also is taking the same pattern as the other finger: starting out as excruciating pain on the side of the left side of the fingernail and then looking greenish and then blistering. I think the blister grows. It is SO painful. The other explanation that's not looney bin material is "Oh you're not taking care of yourself like you used to so the fungal part of the body is having a chance to grow." OR another explanation is mom's lack of personal care and my daily exposure. We had new cleaning people this week and mom forgot about the biohazard she left in the bathroom. Being that it was there for days, the cleaner seemed to have no idea. It's still there. smh. ... last night's dream I can't remember much until the end. There was nothing out of place or anything - just any day talking - but I don't talk about my tribe dreams so I'll leave it at that.... Oh yes and when the nurse was there mom said something about I left for 20 years and didn't want anything blah blah blah. That's her story and she's sticking to it. I said I followed her directions to go to college. She said I didn't have to. As if!! Right so she could cry again that our father is turning over in his grave I didn't finish college? I also made it clear I followed my parent's direction and that directions are so important for children coming home from a hospital. ... 7/23/18 So today's driver I guess doesn't realize that when you are talking to another person head on there is a reflection by which the other driver can't see you. If you don't have a blinker on, you're assumed to be going straight. So as this vehicle is blocking my way to go straight and just standing there, I open my window and use my pointer finger to indicate to them to go ahead and turn in front of me. Then I see a blinker go on. Better late than never. I hope my gesture wasn't taken as me giving him/her the finger. It totally wasn't.I don't get caught up in stuff like that. Inside my car I was motioning that I was going straight but I guess he/she didn't see me. Ironic that just before that I saw a high white vehicle like the one that sailed out of the diner parking lot without stopping, stopped in front of my parked car with a "soccer mom" sticker on the back of the window. License plate noted but I'll probably forget it. So this week I learned that when Dr. mob-runner goes on vacation, the doctor who left a bent bone in my leg fills in. For some reason his ex who is the inappropriate psychologist has been entering my mind. I had a flashback that she didn't believe in how a vulnerable child becomes a vulnerable adult. At least for me. Christine STILL does not have the electronic gadget on correctly and is wheelchair bound her 4th month. Someone gave me directions recently to help my condition and what did I do? Took notes and asked questions. THAT'S what I mean that I do that in ANY environment because I have learned to cope with reality. Nice going in the family court of America! In the last week I had a dream about one of my best friends from high school who went on to become a holy roller. I wish I remembered the dream because it was a concise and complete dream but I was way too tired upon waking. I also had a dream that I was camping and in a vehicle I wouldn't normally drive like a small silver truck with a cap on the bed of a truck. I saw my dog who was tied to a stake on the ground visited by a dog of nearby campers. I saw the other dog sleeping partly underneath my dog in the mud and both were half mired in mud. The other dog had come by to keep my dog warm. This past week (?) I haven't been here there's been other stuff I don't remember right now but today it was finally settled that mom has been educated on what welfare is and what it is not because someone else was there to say what I say (which isn't good enough). I also had a flashback about the putz in Syracuse that is in this blog who fed into a whole bunch of bullshit in the disability community about hygiene when there was no hygiene problem especially if you consider I was taking apple cider vinegar in water everyday. There are many hygiene benefits that ACV did for me when living in my car but he's just a putz. Simply dollar signs in his eyes involving me. Oh yes and not using mother nature from the start backfired on me with my thumb. Using band-aids and neosporin did not help. The blisters only got bigger so that by the time I used ACV it's taking longer to heal whereas last time this happened to me I'd say it cleared up faster. Still painful but less excruciating. ... oh yes and it seems my internet stalker has priveleged information and has removed things from the shelves. Can't say I didn't say it. ... 7/24/18 Today was a heavy situation I left. Mom is near crippled or a good actress in trying to get attention. A situation that calls for a hospital visit mom didn't do because she knows she'll be kept there and she wants to FINALLY get testing over with later this week. It's pretty obvious she needs to go so Christine will be left home all alone until about 10:30 tonight. Did she call Claire? As I left the house and I was rounding the bend to drive out of the neighborhood I was greeted by a patrol car as I was distracted hearing the rattle when I turn right that I need to get fixed. It's possible I was too far over as I made a wide turn holding $2 in one hand for coffee. As we passed I saw a face looking at me but he didn't turn around. Whew! When I parked I had to tell a cable guy he was parked partly in the handicapped spot and so I don't need to get ticketed for the overage I had to park because of it onto the handicapped lined area (also part of the walkway). I can't remember what happened but I think that happened to me in California for not being parked in a handicapped spot correctly when I went for a job interview. Of course I didn't get the very good job. What else is new? ... LACK OF BALLS! OH CLAIRE DOESN'T FEEL WELL SO CHRIS IS SITTING HOME ALL ALONE AND I THINK MOM TOLD HER THERE'S SOME RAISIN BREAD SHE CAN EAT FOR DINNER. I'm out of here. I had to leave an hour early anyway. What's another 1.5 hours? ... 7/25/18 So this morning I call the social worker about this situation because the social worker had already mentioned getting something set up for Christine when needed right away. I left her a message first saying without being involved in Christine's care I'm gone for ten hours and Chris will be left here all alone. She called me back from another number because their phones are having problems or something. I said all that happened last night. She said that emergency respite is a bit of a process but is separate from all the other stuff they are waiting on (THANK YOU!). She said my mother is probably confused...and I didn't hear the rest of what she said but I said she is confused, has a short attention span, doesn't know all this stuff she is dealing with and I know all this stuff for 20 years because I dealt with it out on my own. Then I call mom and the hospital phone didn't work because she couldn't reach it. So I call Danielle back and give her mom's cell phone after mom is fighting with me that I'm all wrong about the emergency respite. Danielle verified I was right. A couple hours later I remind mom again that it was verified I know what I'm talking about and said "just like I was right that medicaid is a welfare program." She starts in with saying one has nothing to do with the other - in other words changing the subject which has a 40 year history in our house most likely because she doesn't want or can't deal with reality. I have no idea if she was like that before the accident. I
say to her that she left Christine without any mode of communication:
"what if there was a fire? You didn't leave Chris the phone on the side
of the table where she could use the phone." I ask her if she called Claire and if Claire is coming. She says probably not. When it was time for me to leave I had Chris call Claire and ask if she could bring her dinner. First we had to leave a message. Chris spoke asking if she could bring her dinner and then I added "if you want to see how much of an inadequate guardian you are for Christine, go to my blog occupiednewbie.blogspot.com - that's newbie with an i e." I also ask Chris if there's anything specific she wants for dinner like a hamburger or whatever Claire may have at her house. Chris says she doesn't care. Claire calls back and Chris answers and Claire asks how she is and Chris says "fine how are you?" and Claire says "oh not too good" or something like that. Chris asks if she can bring her dinner and I don't know what transpired but I hear Claire say for me to make her peanut butter and jelly. AS IF! During this time Chris is talking to her from the handheld I say outloud for Claire to listen to the message we left her. Chris was in kind of shock that Claire said no twice in the conversation and at the end I hear Claire say "Sorry Chris" and I say outloud "yeah you're real sorry ah huuuh" and Claire hung up. I heard clicks coming from the phone and asked Chris if she hung up. Christine says "hello?" into the phone once; possibly twice. In our house we have always said goodbye and it is rude to do otherwise. So with all the time I've spent with Claire and studying The Way, I know what's going on. She is shutting the door to negativity. More recent claims is she is turning off my screaming. There is other things Claire is doing from a biblical perspective but I can't pull them up right now. Then we call the only number I have for robo and Christine probably spoke too softly (and I'm sure there is shock and confusion behind the soft voice - just like a child). I add to the message something like "you're in this family. You have to do something" and hang up. The number we called for robo called back but Chris had already left the table and they left no message. I asked Chris to not go to bed until I get home. I have no idea if she will remember. Memory is a problem. The aid can't figure out why Claire's existence is like this regarding Christine. Yeah really. Mom's way of making me look bad is that they invited or said it was OK for me to go out to dinner with them. I insist on FIRST coming at life from a medical perspective since those are our realities we need protection regarding. Like it's obvious the neglect that is here. ... I left Chris with my number as "emergency" and she called me twice 8 and 7 minutes before she goes to watch one of her favorite shows of our yesteryears "Charlie's Angels" but I understand Chris doesn't understand the societal meaning behind "emergency." Maybe she was just calling to ask about dinner. I saw she called just when the show was starting and called her with no luck so I called her again right after that. Anything happens, who's responsible? Not me. That's what you did Morris County. Anyone care? Probably but if someone cares so much why is this not being taken care of? ... just thought of another thing. The electricity in town is great as far as not being out for too long when it goes out but look at the conditions Chris is left in if the power goes out and she's all by herself. I'm just thinking of this as I see the radar on accuweather as things are many times going my way when it rains. Sounds bizarre - a potsdam thing? ... how ironic https://www.northjersey.com/videos/news/2018/07/09/video-detention-hearing-morris-county-courthouse/32960053/ when I hear this lawyer say "danger to self" and I'm pretty sure that exact phrase is being used against me in all this yet mom has been a danger to all 3 of us post accident and was deemed a fit guardian for Christine. Go figure. ... 7/26/18 What a fucking fiasco. Christine is now home without any electronic speed healing gadget on her leg. Mom insisted it is put on correctly but on the outside calf is not where the ring is supposed to be. I had to turn back today to tell Chris she's got to wait until I get home to take her seizure med because mom had the aid make her a sandwich for dinner but not a glass of liquid for the day. Today we were informed over speaker phone that robo was real upset that not only did he have to come to Christine's aid but that I called his number. Does he forget that he used to own his own business and that his phone number to that business is online? I've had the number FOR YEARS. Some computer guru he is as he calls himself on facebook at least in 2012. Yeah I was more highly trained than he was but no one is paying attention to the management I medically needed in my life. Me medical? That attitude of "as if!" So I understand what "upset" means. It's the patriarchal temperment allowed by The Way male members and is the whole reason he's called robodick. It's only got to be "good sex" as Claire put it as to why they're even together. He's not the usual in this family by any means. Just like picking up the oldest daughter and throwing her into a wall is not of this family either. What's he doing here? The Way International. Danielle is no longer on the case due to promotion to supervisor and the new person called today to mom's house. Why??? Doesn't she know mom is in the hospital and Christine needs emergency care? She knows now. I thought Danielle gave her all necessary info. Today mom called me vicious and I think she indicated other people are saying that. I cried loud and disturbingly today (as in emotionally) when receiving a call from a distant relative. All that we've been through and we SO needed family in this country. They are in the medical loop too. It was very emotional. ... oh yes and the electric(?) problem in my car is worse this summer than last. First I realized this is when I spent an hour trying to start my car on a blistering hot day and it started right up after the power windows were closed. The previous owner of my car left the owners manual in the car so I did drive by the house WHICH IS IN A FLOOD ZONE and there's no garage at least when I did. Being fucked again? What else is new? No protection. And the extended warranty I got on it was papers negligently shredded by Claire and mom. wtf? So now I screw around with the windows to get my car started from the buzzing noise.
.... This is for another day now! I'm about to put here a conversation I had on religion:
