July 1st 2013
This type of justice for my permanent injuries from police that assaulted and imprisoned me could keep me alive.
http://huffpost.com/us/entry/3491842
July 2nd 2013
Awake
after 2 hrs because of the heat. Ice in cup over my heart seems to help
alleviate sweating. Can't run my engine too much because 1. The environment
and my connection to it and 2. I'm dangerously low on funds. THIS BITES
AND I WANT TO GO HOME - as another drop of sweat slides down my face.
$9.50 in my emergency Pennies is gone. $3.00 in dimes and nickles is
gone to the dollar store for food you dont get at the food pantry. $10
of my laundry $$quarters went to gas instead. I'm surprised my monthly
payment didnt go thru yet with the holiday. They used to be available
24/7 to ask but not anymore. It's too fuckiing hot out here!
Chris you're 30° cooler (in San Diego) than where I am. it is what it is. that's what I've been saying about my fate sinceI got here a couple months ago. I'm the type to always stick to intended schedule. - sort of.
July 3rd 2013
It's
easy to die out here. Woke up after six hours this time by making sure
my socks came off which is consistent with what I know about an infrared
sauna. Although it's kind of anti-chiropractic, that's why the way of
life is flip flops or sandals - it's only natural. I dont have that
medical choice. My shoes are literally coming apart but that's how it is
when you're subjected to no-fault special funds insurance. It's been
over one hundred degrees everyday. Let me see if I can get a little more
sleep.
July 6th 2013
Wow! Has a job fallen into my lap? Wow - someone who works with NYC too! Wow! To be continued...
Wow Stacy! Not sure where this is going but I start Tuesday!
Wow! Lol
July 7th 2013
I want to go home to a restrained cannon http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=sXatoCG13tw&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DsXatoCG13tw
looks like I'll be by myself tonight? last thing I said was I'd see her tonight. maybe that did the trick.
she's
here parked in a different space. I have to wonder if my mother has
become this whacked...mom is already lieing about me going away to
college.
now pulled next to me when could see I'm off to sleep. went to sleep same time last night approx.
July 8th 2013
Facebook is asking me what's on my mind. Here you go
Ok
so I've left mom a voicemail reminding her about how the cumulative
past became the present. She told me my father set up schooling for
Christine (which can only take them til they turn 21). After that dad had
long since died so Christine sat home everyday doing nothing which turned
into temper tantrums and extreme mood swings. I had access to a resource
list and gave it to my mother who completely ignored it but it prompted
her to call the insurance caseworker who put her into the cheapest and
most inappropriate program packaging thermometers and the like and
sitting around when there was no work (11/10/15 - mom lied about this to the mediator saying it wasn't the insurance caseworker who did this but someone else. I know for a fact she turned around and called the caseworker - maybe she did get this from someone else but here we go with half truths). I dont remember when and how she
was put into something more appropriate but I remember her coming home
crying she wanted a regular job and my mother would tell her she couldnt
when I knew my mother was short-changing her life. Before he died my
father did nothing for me as far as I know except keep me in Catholic
school with no extra help whatsoever for the rest of my life when there
is a different but necessary life planning for me. (11/10/15 - Dad did try to sit with me and my homework everyday before he got sick and I guess he was able to see the difference in his child - I remember me wanting me to go out and play repeatedly and he said "I give up.") To be continued...
The good part about getting a traffic ticket is I'll be dead and it will remain unpaid by the time it's due.
Not
doing very good right now. Sent this status update within 5 minutes of
getting pulled over for an "illegal turn." He was also going to tack on
there "no insurance" but I sifted through all my papers and produced the
proof of insurance. I thought they look that up nowadays. I guess not
in Cali
If you're going to be near where you were last I knew, I'm 100 miles away from there.
the
more time ticks by the more sinking I am. A ticket for an illegal
turn?? I was coming out of the place where I get hot water for my Ramen
noodles and on my way about my resume to the potential job on Tuesday. I
would say I want my mommy and I want to go home but it's seeming more
evident too late, mommy didn't know how to care for baby in America
under the circumstances http://www.google.com/imgres...
no
that's ok Chris. I have enough to get home. I just dont have survival
to sustain me. thank you anyway! if you have a sufficient job for me to
return to that will be great! phone charging for about 1.5 hrs more.
mobile
sucks! I was going to repost the message i've repeatedly posted to new
fb friends which tells all about my status, protest, etc but it's not
listed mobile on my profile. it's there.
fb is not working right. cant get to newsfeed.
fb is screwing up really bad! just left u a vm that I cant hang out tonite. busy day tomorrow. personal msg wont work either.
July 11th 2013
A copter circled me a couple times and went back to Rte 80. Cop who drove by me before made me uneasy.
"but knowing you nothing to hide just to expose truth just know your rights these days"
except
alcohol helps me sleep whether I'm in my car or not . cops make me
uneasy no matter what. with a brain injury I can fall victim to them at
any given time. Just like the diabetic who was pulled over and
manhandled by them while in shock I agree just like the constitution
says "we the people" yet the people have managed to feel helpless
against business and govt.
I'm pissed at Facebook. I
can google the post I sent to all new FB friends but it's missing from
my timeline. I wanted to use it as a reference the other day. I did not
hide or delete it. Waiting for you to get your sh*t figured out FB!
I thought it was just a mobile problem.
thanks for letting me know it's not just me!
July 12th 2013
Will I get to work from east coast? W/o dad or brothers I'm in big trouble. Car key broke off it's car opener holder tonight.
July 13th 2013
Solitary Confinement and Mental Health: Terry A. Kupers, M.D., M.S.P. PART 1
Solitary Confinement and Mental Health Keynote Address, Conference on Solitary Confinement and Human Rights November 2012
Terry A. Kupers, M.D., M.S.P., Inst...
had to look up rawr. I forwarded it from occupy disabled. I dont even buy into mental health. I buy into polluted air land and water creating an organic problem to be organically healed.
July 14th 2013
So
my learning of diff religions goes on. Mary Baker Eddy exhibits classic
signs of a near-death experience and traumatic brain injury after her
fall on the ice. Kudos to her female-protesting ways at a time when it
was unacceptable for females to rebel. With the mormons Joseph Smith and
friends were privy to a NYS freakshow (remember the "freaks" from
Woodstock, i.e.? The Way International arose supposedly from a hippie
pedofile or orgy-loving man. The 1000 year old church seems to be tied
onto rituals rather than mind-freedom. I would venture to say
catholicism was set up by hungry pedofiles who edited out important
books of the Bible, etc. And the awe of truth continues
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FDLooAIxFkg
http://m.youtube.com/...
so he admits reincarnation was taken out of the church in the year 300
or 400 for reasons the church saw fit.
Father Peter on Reincarnation
Father
Peter is an ordained Priest and Master Teacher with the Ruach Center.
More at http://www.ruachcenter.org/ and http://fatherpeterbowes.com/
So far job will provide pocket change and boss is really nice and good to me. I was pulled up on an island for safety.
August is still coming my way. Will I be saved by then?
July 16th 2013
http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=orPsnpsAPaI&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DorPsnpsAPaI
how
to break the cycle is fucking easy - pardon me. the U.S. govt destroyed
the crop they had to sustain themselves and work with a sense of worth.
in my sister's belief in The Way International they continue in this
cycle because of their unbelief in the one true God and instead worship
things like the sun. how preposterous! how led astray. how sad.
July 17th 2013
Having gone down lonely road;
even my conscience doesnt know;
What lie ahead for my vulnerable soul;
From childhood I did not grow.
Then a stranger came and drained my life;
All I thought I'd take in stride; but he...battery low
July 19th 2013
Called
mom to leave her a voicemail and mom answered. Told her I was calling
to leave a msg and she said ok. Called back and left msg about 5.5
minutes long with example that if you allow things to occur one way and
in the end when it doesnt work out your way blame punish your
subordinate because it didnt work out to your wishes. You were in charge
and allowed the subordinate so that falls on you. in the end she got
away with it because I didnt have a lawyer. A lawyer doesnt guarantee
winning but the chances for loss w/o a lawyer are that much greater
which is what happened to me (paraphrase).
*crying*
someone needs to right this old wrong because the consequences have
arrived. Job seems promising to turn to full-time but that is the least
important thing on my list when I dont have anyone to care for my
affairs which arent here.
Besides I need to get back to where people know how to drive
Some
jackass just rode by on a loud motorcycle right in front of my car
waking me. It's not the first time this nameless asshole has done so.
Now it's too hot to fall back asleep. On to round 2 of sleeping
medication which is going to upset my stomach tomorrow. Cop driving by
now has me doubting if I should. Screw it I have. Assholes in my life
are nothing new.
man o man that could have been bad.
questioned by the cop I just saw. scared the shit out of me. first time
i've been here in months that happened. I want to go home
they've
driven by here before and this has never happened. had to explain I'm
supposed to be leaving in August but now that just started a job (just
saw him drive by again - now SUV just parked next to me). sitting here
with the window open.
accuweather says 65 degrees but
Cali whether in the elements in the car is I guess too dry and arid. who
the fuck is sitting in an SUV here? ah it looks like they laid down. 1
demand: if you mame me (no didnt lay down - shaving in the rearview
mirror?) anyway I am to be taken out. I am not to be left alive. 1sheep
2sheep 3sheep... It's an enclosed vehicle so SUV is prob wrong phrase.
It looks dark green in the dark w gold trim on the bottom and a tire? In
the back.
I shouldnt even be scared about protecting
my person out here. the uneducated prideful immigrant should have had me
taken away from her many moons ago so I could live a full life
appropriately.
its a Mitsubishi 4wd. dark color Cali plates.
battery low. It was maroon. Now I'm bonefidely paranoid. New place where
I get coffee not sure what to make of the manager. He didnt know the
difference btwn debit and credit. Then didnt know ATM machines charge
you if you dont belong to that bank. Now asked me where I go in the day.
My response was "around" indicating local. I dont need to be pushed
over the edge with stress. Little sleep. Lots of paranoia.
it
must be judge Etna Judy started spreading lies about me. when I looked
up her legal name there's one listed in Malone ny. I dont need this
stress.I dont know what to believe that she tells me. haven't seen her
in a couple days.
Not sure how this is going to play out.
Employer predicts increased hours for me. The way things are now, my
life has been extended a month for people to realize the grave I'm
headed to unless they do something. Employer said they'll help me with
the call njls is making to me on Tuesday. I and employer already know
I'm an asset. Employer has some of the same qualities as mom. Mom has
the downside of disregarding her American children's lives like when the
tenant in queens didnt pay rent for a month she refused to call a
lawyer and ask what her daughter (me) was telling her that a tenant has
to pay their rent. She just kept listening to her Ireland-polio treated
sister that there's too many tenants in NYC protecting tenants.
Mother
was wrong and I was right but that is justice that will never be had
because she just sucked up the loss of money from him who left on his
own accord. I'm just babbling right now about injustice I cant accept.
*rent
for months* and *too many laws in NYC protecting tenants* how ironic
mother gets a lawyer over one brain injured child and laughs at the
other one. I have a life on the east coast to take care of.
July 21st 2013
Me
and the Hungarian guy just waved goodbye. I think he looks for
overweight women for certain reasons. We had picnicked. We talked on the
phone a few times til we ran out of things to talk about. We happened
upon each other a couple Weeks later and I helped him a couple times
with the computer. Then he was completely condescending and insulting
about people with college degrees and I abruptly corrected him about
what adjunct professors are. He made conclusions that were not supported
by fact. for example all professors dont have any real world
experience. They just learn things from books and repeat what they've
said. Meanwhile he was a lost babe in the woods not knowing how to use a
computer. As far as I'm concerned he can stay lost. The only man I
fell helpless to had no kids, no siblings, and no marriages behind him
but did have an education and it was a different phase / time in life. I
can hear my college Indian friend now "that's why you dont even try to
explain to someone who will never get it" paraphrase. Actually I'm stuck
in that rut in life because of the guardian who raised me since 12 - I
didnt connect the dots that she wasnt going to get it and then the guy I
was with for ten years didnt get it that I already got it and was more
advanced than him - not intellectually but with how life works. Jesus
his view of me when going away to college was I'd become a slut and fail
out - in the end I had a higher GPA than he did and I had absolutely
minimal interaction with most every NY caveman man except the one and
only that tied my tongue and all else - time stood still ... And now I'm
waiting for life to end because I just couldnt save myself after being
failed by one after the other after the other after the other... I think
I'm just babbling because I'm so alone. I didnt even get to explain
that my parking buddy is not here anymore - or until further notice. I
didnt get to explain my cop phobia for where I am now. This Hungarian
guy really needs to take a chill in life. He probably likes overweight
women because he feels it's easier to conquer? Whatever... He forgot our
first conversation where I was honest about everything. Whatever.
hmmm so much to say...hopefully I just fall asleep.
Cant
sleep.this sucks. Onto round 2 and havent even slept yet which I cant
afford to do but someones loud engine needs to crash to oblivion. Hungry
but had to get thru weekend on 5 dollar bill and 2 dollars saved up
laundry quarters. Mom said she sent money for shoes - I guess she'll pay
for my burial and tombstone as well instead of playing the old "I'm just
a nice and innocent immigrant" act and "never realized I had to do
anything else for my other daughter" act. Sorry - I get cranky without
sleep. Now I have to reset my alarm for a later time in the morn so I
wont go thru the day cranky.
July 22nd 2013
But
my question still remains about why the royal baby is never born still,
w/ down syndrome, cerebral palsy, retarded, genetically disabled, etc.
http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23413653
ok Teddy Roosevelt was mamed by polio. any other illuminati?
any?
seriously .... any?
Today
my employer told me again how helpful I am and how my particular
attention to detail is so important and really saves so much. That's the
type of employment I'm used to in life; that's the type of employment
Salina Street missed out on because they didnt want to give me something
else to do rather than go home and get paid minimum wage - a surprise
attack by the female breast loving, impossible rude jackass I was
working for. That's the type of employment NYS DESTROYED. I can hear my
India friend now about how much I should have just left the area
July 23rd 2013
Feeling
paranoid. Why are cops around me more than usual? What's going on? I
guess my boss is the first person I'd call for protection. voice inside
me told me to calm down. it might not be what I think. switched parking
spaces anyway. doesnt mean I'm not going to face problems later.
Tough
pill to swallow. This injured child long ago never got needed
intervention and there's no way to intervene now. I can ask a new judge
by filing an order to show cause and verified complaint and it would be
pro se again and there wouldnt be a hearing until September. That's too
late. was told by the social worker that had they gotten involved years
ago things would have turned out differently but it's too late
now...3injured surviving children...2get intervention to assist living a
full life. The 3rd (and youngest) is left out in the cold with no
protections in place to return to the straddled cannon...trying to
figure out the deep meaning in how any of this came about.
called
independent living center and they said they left 2 msgs with my mother
after she left a msg with them and he never heard back from her. I
honestly let him know that it's prob because when she heard him speak
she probably thought she wasnt going to understand him - his brain
injury gave him the outcome of "slurred speech." called my mother
and sure enough that was the problem. see I know my family. I know how
things work. i've been AROUND. WHERE IN GODS NAME HAS CLAIRE BEEN ALL
THIS TIME? so I assured her it's ok. that he has a brain injury and just
like Christine talks slow from hers, he talks
slurred"
from his. all of this is frugal(?) to saving me at this point. we'll
see if mom goes into action now for her youngest child.
just
left mom a msg that after my diagnosis at the hospital near the
independent living center that procedure was followed for a social
worker. that social worker was convinced she wasnt needed. WHAT TO DO
NOW? Court ordered counseling or something else like formal inclusion in
the guardianship. what else to do now?I cant go on with this ... I'm
trying to stay focused but this is hard to do mobile...I need to put
another post.
as my ex boyfriend said once, there's a
difference between thriving and living. obviously I'm thriving. but as
far as holding the pieces of my life together it's not there. when I had
someone to move me from place to place and set up a structure to live
in (not thrive) that's what I need now. outside of the boyfriend it's
always been my mother's house. what I can do now is return to that
structure that's always been my post-injury environment(a brain injury
specific need). what I cant have now is the same PI environment
pretending there's been no advances in brain injury care. let me see if
i've been clear between my sobs in this last post...
I
have the message saved from mom to come home anytime. that's what I can
do now WITH mediation. I cant go on without all our needs being
addressed. ALL THE TIME Christine expresses wanting to get better which
my mother has no problem with me taking her to Kessler every week for a
treatment plan STILL waiting for her and not being acted upon. there
needs to be some type of formal acknowledgment or mediation from the
outside. ... i.e. - my mother's rendition of the Kessler doc was "he
said everything's fine"... what he said was "she's doing well" WHICH
MEANS SHE'S A CANDIDATE FOR...
this type of rehab which includes
locomotion training, etc stem-cell research is now in its research phase
and when its ni longer research she's going to miss out because I'm not
involved. (11/10/15 flashback to Deanne M. Wilson when I was explaining in court about the doctor's not writing down locomotor training but verbally saying it AND THE MORON TOLD ME I WAS ARGUING WITH DOCTORS. Taken aback I told her "no I'm just giving supplemental information." Moron indeed. I guess the physiatrist's evaluation of wrong splint because there's dust on the heel is arguing too). I cant handle this heartache. when one our family dogs died I
made it known to my mother we're not wasting time going no place
dwelling on mourning; that I'm getting a new dog so we can progress and
not dwell. that little yipping whip of a life brought new joy into our
house and Christine was VERY changed being brought out of her shell by
that dog. you can probably understand where I'm going with this
my
mother is capable of providing basics but she is incompetent with the
medical needs and progress in her american children. she didnt know
what to do with me but she can do something now so that her children
dont fall victim to what she doesnt know and she's not doing it because
she doesnt know how. She recently asked the surr Court at my prodding
what to do for me. When they asked if I was competent she said "yes."
That was the end of it. She doesnt know and doesn't know that she doesnt
know. I think i've addressed everything. one thing I forgot to address
is August. this part time job will keep me going until September. when
my resources run out I run out. I will not be doing bankruptcy or
welfare based on the mistakes of someone else that have never been
corrected or punished...what then? who knows. I cant see surviving
unless there is needed intervention. told mom she has more time to get
this right. dont think she comprehended. I havent washed dishes or
folded/hung clothes since Kayla was one or two years old. (11/10/15 - I don't know a Kayla. I think I meant "Cookie" and Kayla comes from autocorrect). sixteen years
ago was the first time I didnt have the boyfriend around anymore to move
me and set up a structure for me to live in daily.without that personal
setup life just kept falling apart. i've been over and over this with
my mother and oldest sis who remain abusive to my needs. what to do now?
return to the one structure that works for me only with supervision
since it's obvious my mother needs that. my mother has seen all the
chaotic living arrangements i've been in and in conjunction with my
oldest sister has concluded I'm just not a tidy person - that it's just
me. Claire has been to none of my living arrangements, graduations, etc.
her only involvement in my life has been bible studies and phone
conversations and telling me I should get my degree
because she never got hers. I'm an integral part of Christine's life and
experiences so include me in her care but formally because we already
know the wreck that has arisen with my mother under the radar. someone
needs to fix this past mistake to make the present consistent or I wind
up the casualty
July 25th 2013
For
record-keeping purposes when I'm gone: spoke to mom who said she talked
to the independent living center who said I have to move back there for
them to do anything and they didnt say anything else except there's a
mental health resource in another town. They never even gave her a phone
#. She has no memory of me receiving a diagnosis at a hospital when I
was seventeen (conveniently) and her grand son went to Voc Tech because
he wanted to.(11/10/15 - I guess it was a year ago I showed mom the papers of that diagnosis and she acted in a way I never saw before - she tried to rip my medical records right in front of my face. I couldn't believe it!) That he got some help with his homework...so what? That
she doesnt want to hear about me and Catholic school...that lots of
people went to Catholic school and have good jobs. that there was
nothing wrong with him. that it's not true he was too smart for the slow
classes and too slow for normal classes so my sister had to give him
all the help...never happened...abracadabra. I told her to start telling
things like they happened that I was not allowed to cook, sew, and clean
so those are what I continue in life not to do. that she doesn't want
to hear about this social worker from the hospital long ago Marilyn
mindes bcoz someone else had her before me and she was just waiting to
retire. this denial of reality is causing me even more stress than judge
Etna Judy that I May just do away with myself any day now. I cant do
without my mom. I cant do without reality. I cant do without this error
never being fixed.
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July 26th 2013
Ok it's all clear now and I'm hoping I made
it all clear. When I went to the school nurse over a hearing problem
and the problem wasnt hearing but processing they had testing done of me
and my mother got her own testing of me in NYC by a neuropsychologist.
Mom's missing link was not getting me involved in ddd. Likewise, Morris
county is responsible for never getting me in ddd. Mom knows all about
ddd from being forced into the services when Claire refused to care for
Christine over 30 years after disability onset. All mom has to do now is
call ddd about me (so I found out the part of the conversation she
never recklessly told me like so many other things). I can't return
without a safety net and this is what I needed all along. The
independent living center is looking into a social worker for me in this
regard. It's still up to mom to look into ddd. Facebook family members
who need to poke and prod in this regard are Maureen Murray, ray Murray,
Kevin Murray, Teresa Murray, Louise and Melissa and Clare McCarthy,
Teresa and Bernie O'Hare, and any1 else I'm forgetting like Yvonne
O'Hare. As I said last night I May just do away with myself because
there is no living w/o mom and there is no living w/o reality. I cant
live lies and fantasies forever. I get my perfectionist ways from mom
and I cant live w/o this massive error having some kind of resolution.
Ddd stands for department of developmental disabilities. Judge langlois
retired when I contested the guardianship, judge Wilson is retiring soon
and if no one fixes this situation I have nothing to sustain my living.
I
posted my story many times to all new Facebook friends after the friend
bombs all taken down by Facebook (not just me but other people missing
stuff). I'm running out of resources for survival and there's no way I'm
doing bankruptcy or welfare when this is not my fault or doing. my
mother who was given guardianship naturally of me when my father died is
an uneducated immigrant in this country and because of her actions in
Court my oldest sister Claire was given a court order she wasnt allowed
back in the home. the two remaining children in the home were completely
unconsidered in this action, left to be raised by a reckless immigrant
who was abusive not only in just cultural different ways but medical
oversight.
longer story than what I can do mobile. I'd
love not to give up. I was supposed to be dead this past November. I'm
running out of funds/options.
I'm in my early
40s...sounds ludicrous I know but that's what happens when you leave a
child unchecked except for a home with daily meals and good clothes...as
far as where I should be now, I finished my bucket list which was to
drive across the country. had less than a month left to survive when I
decided to go to the anniversary of the occupy pepper spraying incident
on 10/25/12. it was there I learned from an occupy NY visitor, Stephen
Lewis, about strike debt. I gave it a try that maybe by the time I cant
go anymore they'll get around to cancelling more than just medical debt.
I was less than a month away from going on my final road trip the week
of July 4th a couple Weeks ago when I happened upon a stranger who upon
hearing why I'm here told me i'm hired and can I start Tuesday for part
time to turn to full time. this is a business owner who has fallen on
hard times and it is to be seen if the business will recover. I dont
need to be working in Calif. I
have affairs to get
back to on the east coast and certain disability-related isolation has
made it so that I dont have anyone to look after my affairs. I'm too
responsible to just let all fall to hell. maybe my final road trip has
changed from the beginning of August to the beginning of September ...I
dont see the point in dragging me even further in this reckless
post-tragedy-injury life where it seems I'm surrounded by drug addicts
not taking responsibility for a vulnerable child turned vulnerable
adult.
Left mom a message that I spoke to the
independent living center about any missing info. It sounds like he told
her the thing to do way back when I was first diagnosed was to call the
department of developmental disabilities since I was disabled before
age 21. Marilyn mindes didnt even have a chance to mention that. My
mother didnt get involved in ddd until none of us were in the house any
more and she had to dial 911 when Christine fainted. Get busy mom! It's
not too late to call them for me. I'm not returning w/o a safety net for
me. Family on Facebook it's up to you to get the msg to mom. I'm really
better off dead with no mom and no reality.
July 27th 2013
youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCqKPznPFWdsuQquXU8Agd3rdjHh-DZor
Ok
it's all clear now and I'm hoping I made it all clear. When I went to
the school nurse over a hearing problem and the problem wasnt hearing
but processing they had testing done of me and my mother got her own
testing of me in NYC by a neuropsychologist. Mom's missing link was not
getting me involved in ddd. Likewise, Morris county is responsible for
never getting me in ddd. Mom knows all about ddd from being forced into
the services when Claire refused to care for Christine over 30 years
after disability onset. All mom has to do now is call ddd about me (so I
found out the part of the conversation she never recklessly told me
like so many other things). I can't return without a safety net and this
is what I needed all along. The independent living center is looking
into a social worker for me in this regard. It's still up to mom to look
into ddd. Facebook family members who need to poke and prod in this
regard are Maureen Murray, ray Murray, Kevin Murray, Teresa Murray,
Louise and Melissa and Clare McCarthy, Teresa and Bernie O'Hare, and
any1 else I'm forgetting like Yvonne O'Hare. As I said last night I May
just do away with myself because there is no living w/o mom and there is
no living w/o reality. I cant live lies and fantasies forever. I get my
perfectionist ways from mom and I cant live w/o this massive error
having some kind of resolution. Ddd stands for department of
developmental disabilities. Judge langlois retired when I contested the
guardianship, judge Wilson is retiring soon and if no one fixes this
situation I have nothing to sustain my living.
youtube.com/playlist...
TBI Documentary
youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF892DAD7640107D3
I'm
tired of fighting with family over their game of Russian roulette with
my life. get the facts and mom's not on Facebook so family need to get
busy.
July 29th 2013
Not at my boss's
house. I'm completely NOT one to lose things. Since completing my
bucket list, lost tooth flipper and flip phone. What's the spiritual
message in that? My extreme stress over it is currently numbed over all
my info being God knows where on my flip phone. then again there's
nothing to stress about if life is ending. Then again what to do with
this new beginning? *needing temper tantrum patrol*
officially obsessing over my missing property. concentrating on my 3rd eye opening and psychic powers knowing.
Please
let my flip phone be at my boss's house! I was invited over yesterday
for a meal and chill out for a bit. I've retraced all my steps and
called all people in contact with. I never found my flipper. I had put
it in an unusual place while I received a phone call from someone I
hadnt spoken to in fifteen years. It's definitely not in my car or I
would hear it. I see boss later. Freaking out!!! Alarm and all my info
not with me
July 30th 2013
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t9xoOz3NC-0&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dt9xoOz3NC-0
waiting
to die. wanting to die. my brother-in-law is a robodick who doesn't
belong in this family but because Claire is whipped I'm going to die.
July 31st 2013
Boss
is a beautiful person but it doesnt look like this is going to cut it.
Asked about work the company has on the east coast but because of
hardtime circumstance it's going to be a while which is not going to
help me. I dont have a plan. Sent mom's recording saying I can come home
any time to the Surrogate's court requesting the new judge revisit this
even knowing my robodick brother in law can read this anytime. Even my
nephews. last I knew Claire doesnt do the internet. Mom misled the ilc
inquiring about housing for me knowing damn well I'd be at her house
like always. She just needed to sound American.
occupied
newbie doesnt want to die but most likely occupied newbie is going to
die. on needs dad around yesterday. on is not going to make it. On
thinks about reaching paradise after that final breath. On can expect to
see all of dad's family again and both sisters on the other side. On
will be so happy to see all 4 family dogs again. On will see 3
grandparents she never met and see the other one again. On will see all
the friends who have died over the years. On will remember her heavenly
being and what she was before this life. She will know why she wanted to
come here to live this life. Maybe on was a he in a previous life. On
will be set free from all the Catholic confusion of life that has
withheld info on past lives. Will on choose to come back to this cruel
world in a number of days with a new family? Completely forgetting this
life until returning to spirit again? On is going off the deep end right
now needing a fellow babbler like Greg Zuk. On is comfortably numb for
the moment which will help get a full nite's sleep. on thinks about mom
and how she's dealing with the American act she's putting on while her
flesh and blood she will mourn a great deal for, will be buried under
ground. That's one memory I had from some time in childhood that I dug
up Stephanie's grave and pulled her up with my hand and we ran off. The
dream didnt follow where we were going though. It only showed me pulling
her up and we ran off laughing and/or with smiles.
Could only leave a msg at DDD. I dont have but need something done for me by someone else. *crying*
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cvaDfjL80qc&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DcvaDfjL80qc
August 3rd 2013
Hush now baby baby dont you cry...mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean...
boss has mentioned a couple times about me working from the east coast. still waiting to see how this comes together.
August 5th 2013
Boss
is good to me as always should have been the case. Depressed though
with good reason. Need to return home and indications boss is ok with
telecommuting very eventually. Could always end it all soon. Need mom.
Need reality. Too many significant people not paying attention those two
needs are like water and oil. Ah sleep has arrived. Will I wake up
dragged through this further? While robodick keeps his bride happy and
family is left to flounder with inappropriate medical attention?
August 8th 2013
I
couldnt believe the DRUGS attitude I encountered today from the Morris
County deputy surrogate. I probably dont even realize the impact of what
a deputy surrogate is. I made some things very clear to him over email
and he acts like I never said it. He then says that I have to fill out a
form I can get online. I ask him specific words I need to google to get
this form and he says yes. No such form found so I call back and get
voice mail. Call the woman there who erroneously gave me the confidence
to go pro se and she never heard of such a form but could make
suggestions of other forms I could manipulate to make the form that
might help. What part of "I'm going to die out here " are these people
turning off? Due to inadequate medical care post coma hospital
release?????? DRUGS.
August 9th 2013
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sfOlD_kV1vE&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DsfOlD_kV1vE
today
I got the deputy surr vm again AND I sent an e mail to feel free to
send me this supposed form. I was told by someone they know this part of
northern Nj to have a lot of corruption. yup. I tried to tell Claire
once that the only reason their friend received couch furniture after
praying about it is because the apt they were in is bugged. instead of
listening to reason she told me to stop because it's letting the devil
in.
August 10th 2013
Something
feels familiar about this type of injustice
http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2011/10/03/new-evidence-could-clear-14-year-old-executed-by-south-carolina/
August 11th 2013
Tried
a Brian weiss regression. Came up with a female in bare feet wearing a
brown linen dress which easily translates to a female hospital patient.
Hmmmm. Thing felt in womb was mouth feeding.
....I'll
try it again and see what I come up with but my first thought was a
woman in that material dress would be stone age type before shoes
existed and then I thought that type of material didnt exist back then.
it's possible my trying to reason it spoils the whole thing. that's why
I'm saying I will give it another go with a different attitude. Maybe
why I'm so passionate about the mental health industry is I existed as a
victim in a previous life and then in this life conquered it with all
the resistance I so blatantly display. ? Maybe?
that
still doesnt explain my recurring dream theme recorded approximately
twenty years apart of my fear upon seeing a man dead hanging upside down
where asphyxiation is possible thru hanging by the feet. my dreams are
also very colorful which is why when I dreamt in black and white (the 20
years later when I started recording dreams again - prompted by it) I
was FREAKED OUT.
August 12th 2013
youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DFFOzayDpWoI
youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI...
August 13th 2013
Couldn't ask for a better situation. If I need to leave for the east coast it's alright coz I need to do what I need to do.
It doesnt mean I'll still have a paying job because east coast clients haven't been finalized.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=84TB8C50nos...
youtube.com/watch?v=sfOlD_kV1vE...
youtube.com/watch?v=FFOzayDpWoI...
youtube.com/watch?v=t9xoOz3NC-0...
youtube.com/watch?v=snkwsU98QlQ...
youtube.com/watch?v=vK8CQg7xjO8
youtube.com/watch?v=HLHvb9V8Yzs
August 14th 2013
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mEbkQE3JBPg
MOM
WAKE UP
August 18th 2013
Now
is the absolute worst time for me to be treated how I always should
have been treated by a post college employer. I'm leaving and she's
giving me a laptop. It's just like the money my mother sent me for new
shoes when a dead person doesnt need new shoes. I have no plan laid out
to save my ass so there really is no other option.
that's the way life goes when you leave a developmentally disabled child with no protection as a vulnerable adult.
August 21st 2013
Prosecution for vulnerable adults www.atg.wa.gov/.../Complete%20Prosec...
http://www.atg.wa.gov/.../Complete%20Prosec
www.atg.wa.gov
www.dhs.state.mn.us/.../dhs16_139381.p...
www.dds.ca.gov/.../healthnotes_developd...
www.americanbar.org/.../Abuse_Types_S...
that below 70 IQ doesnt apply here http://www.co.ramsey.mn.us/hs/mhc
http://www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/topics/devdel.htm
http://www.webmd.com/.../recognizing-developmental...
http://fagellaw.com/Informatio.../Developmental_Delay.aspx
http://www.abclawcenters.com/.../birth-injury-may-be...
couldnt leave that webpage w/o talking to someone. gee a final savior at this stage in the game? doubt it.
August 23rd 2013
Mom
is notorious for turning me off in her uneducated immigrant way so I
need anyone to explain to her that what I'm saying doesnt have to do
with living in the past - the shit Claire is feeding her - I know how my
family works. I keep talking about the past to point out to her to do
something for what has become the vulnerable adult from the
developmentally delayed child whose needs were neglected. In her
immigrant striving for a better life way not only is / was she
completely disconnected to the American care I needed after leaving a
hospital but I had no siblings to help me. I'm sorry mom if you're too
late in understanding this. I tried so hard to get you to see and then
in the end you took on Claire's shit.
you'll understand and I'm sorry it'll be too late when you do.
www.mindfull.org/static/mf/.../policy.pdf
www.azcapitolreports.com/webreport.cf...
http://quizlet.com/121.../nujr211-u3_05_0911_12-flash-cards/
https://www.sheffield.gov.uk/... vulnerabl...
http://www.cyberessays.com/.../review-effectiveness-of.../
http://www.smile-onnews.com/.../children-and-vulnerable...
http://www.hg.org/.../rosenfeld-injury.../articles/80927
August 26th 2013
Mom still won't accept I need personal family help and not hired movers.
thanks
patty but i'm a train wreck here. i need a family or friend party to
travel the three hundred miles with me to clean my tons of crap up. had
family here from ireland asking why the ones here wont go help. they
said no one will go up there so my condition is not important enough so
life just falls apart. i get laughed at by family over my medical
condition and one of those laughers was given guardianship of me when my
father died and no questions of what happened simultaneously that a
household member was given a court order they couldnt come back to the
home. so the two remaining children went with improper medical and
vocational care. when getting some kind of diagnosis senior year it was
recommended i not go to college. my mother got her own opinion and the
doctor recommended a specific local reputable college who wouldnt let me
in even under the circumstances. instead of dealing with it
professionally my mother tried to take care of it informally. no luck.
so i wound up going to a college three hundred miles away that accepted
me and i only knew about because my boyfriend at the time was going.
that boyfriend is part of the train wreck in isolating me believing that
i had no life before him which basically ruined some of my plans in
life. at the same time he provided undiagnosed structure for me to live
in. why not come back to mom? mom has a knack of letting my incompetent
sister go with untreated seizures - tip of the iceberg. no one out there
has a clue i come from upper middle class life because of how far gone i
have become. train wreck.
i cant hold my life together
alone and someone i depended on for years was my mother but mom didnt
know how to give solid guidance and i couldnt recognize that was the
case. now she speaks down to me in a condescending way at times. i just
cant handle or accept that this person is doing the total opposite of
what she did for years and there is no records kept for anything that is
going to ... actually I just heard the phrase "sweet revenge" and
that's what she did but the tragic thing is this has nothing to do with
revenge but the careless and negligent condition of a medical life that
can't hold up under these conditions anymore. I lost my credit. I am
going to lose my house. Both of these only happened after mom pulled
what she did at the surrogate's court. All of my dying attempts haven't
worked so maybe I'll just lay here day in and out with
smart
phone as only connection to the world. I've done things like that
before and nothing was done about it. She just tells everybody I'm fine
and doesn't know what to do so nothing is done and I just fall further
apart. She might say something to her sister who will join in on the
jesting rather than getting me the help I need. Like I said my life has
literally been falling apart right under her nose and not only is she
getting away with it but has misled all that anything was wrong.
Something of that is because she can't recognize it as an immigrant and
some is because she's only good at denying there's a problem.
another
desperate, time-ticking, message-left-in-vain(?) to the deputy
surrogate that he doesn't want to be the son of a bitch gatekeeper for
the plea bargain that should have been and something is keeping me alive
(details withheld) .
http://www.trutv.com/.../famous/menendez/luxury_11.html
if you go to PG 11 you'll read about a typical immigrant's behavior in
bragging about their child's accomplishments but complete omission and
aloofness to consequences. my mother bragged about me to coworkers and
family and friends but proceeding pro se no witnesses were called to
rebut my mother's claims and lies. can anyone step in now?
September 1st 2013
I've
just been referred to as being "fine." The usual typical reckless,
negligent, get-a-fucking-clue-about-you're-
handicapped-child's-American-life-or-get-your-overwhelmed-ass-the-fuck-out-and-go-back-to-where-you-fucking-came-from
attitude.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=P4rU-vRvyAg
overheard
bits of mom talking to Claire and Claire sounds as foreign to mom as
mom is to America.I know my family. I'm no stranger to this household.
September 2nd 2013
I'm
reminded of my failures in this life as I had to yell at my mother to
not stick her nose into something I was trying to accomplish - a simple
daily task. That's how I grew up post accident not doing things for
myself because she had to do them to make sure they werent done wrong.
That's her behind closed doors - a control freak with nerves on end.
Oblivious to her impact she also expected everything to be normal for me
miraculously and then in the end put on a condescending act to make out
I'm the problem and all I do is fight with her. Do we have a clearer
picture now? My post about losers is not related to this post.
my
sister is now also on a med for hypothyroidism. of which she doesnt
drink enough water with (directions by my mother who doesnt know better)
and she takes a petroleum based B12 and other petroleum based vitamins.
my heart is more damaged every time. there's natural treatments for her
that I refuse to participate in informally. there's other things
available for her like a hyperbaric chamber. *heart is breaking*...oh
Claire got her large print search-a-words and Christine has no idea
where her eyeglasses are....I just cant fucking take this. me and
Christine have both suffered from inadequate care but atleast I'm able
to go to a natural food store to make up for it or an eye doctor without
my mother potentially lying that"he said everything's fine." just like
when a reputable physiatrist said she's doing well meaning she's a
candidate for treatment but my mother's rendition is "he said nothing's
wrong." I just cant fucking stand by and watch potential flounder
due
to some control freak uneducated immigrant and Christine's life was
signed over to the welfare of a stranger in The Way International.
just
like I already knew the dumb bitch lied to the Court saying Christine
is independent yet mom doesnt eat until she has cut Christine's food, is
up every morning to assist Christine with meals and beverages, and
Christine just asked my mother when she's going to get up and help her
get dressed. There's a lot mom cant do well anymore because of pain in
her hands yet she's sole guardian until officially incapable and then
Christine's life gets thrown to the dogs rather the inclusion of someone
like me completely familiar with Christine's life YEAH. I wish I wish
Greg Zukowski something becomes viable soon or by miracle I have the job
in NY I just applied for. Really? NY pull a CA and actually recognize
someone employable?
last night Christine got frustrated
waiting for mom to get up and pour and bring her tea to the table with
lemon poured in it so she asked me to do it since it's her daily
routine. AS FAR AS THE COURT KNOWS CHRISTINE IS INDEPENDENT. mom was up
by the time Christine was getting ready for bed so mom went to help her
get ready for bed. AS FAR AS THE COURT KNOWS FROM MOM CHRISTINE IS
INDEPENDENT SO THAT I HAVE NO NEED IN THIS GUARDIANSHIP.
certain
sweet was offered to me. my mother brought it back on her trip. I said
"I know who requested that." playing up the part that I'm an uninvolved
waste in my family my mother says dumbfounded "who?" I say "Claire.
it's her favorite especially from Ireland where they taste better." she
was quick to point out she brought some back for a bunch of people. I
KNOW MY FAMILY but I'm subjected to this negligent and reckless (and
deadly)childish game. btw, on top of doing the usual of tending to
Christine this morning mom did the usual of accompanying her to her ride
this morn.
as usual Christine threw another temper
tantrum. I know they can be caused by elevated liver enzymes from
medications and Claire doesnt have a clue what's coming her way. mom
doesnt say anything just like she didnt for me. my creditors are not
only harassing me but also my mother. Christine innocently answered the
phone and didnt understand. I think the tantrum started by me signaling
for her to not say what she was saying. the trigger was that she did
something wrong which means a bunch of things starting with mom freaking
out. as I took the phone from her after she told them to hold on she
started yelling and swearing which culminated to her screaming for us to
shut up and finally crying. she couldnt answer what the problem
was. I know this house. I know this family. I know our symptoms. I
cannot accept what has been created at the Morris County Surrogate's
Court. the more this is not done right the more anger will smolder and
accumulate in me. to grow up under this negligence and have THIS be the
result. mom pulled the same game now that she did when we were children.
that if Chris didnt stop she would send her back to the place she stays
when mom is away. just like growing up mom would threaten going back to
the hosp or locks on the fridge if weight was not lost and it was only
threats with nothing done. on the contrary I had a childhood friend who
pointed out the orderly diet in her household for her incompetent sister
who required a special diet. *hold me down* and as usual mom goes to
help Christine get ready for bed not too long later.
some people are just LOSERS!!!
September 4th 2013
Another
reminder about the failures of my life: I walk into the kitchen and
hear mom yell giving directions as she would to a child: "dont open the
dishwasher. It's on." My response: "I see that" as one can clearly hear
the cycle it's on. Mom needs her children around because she's caught in
only knowing how to remain in this misery. She was robbed the
opportunity of watching her children become adults. Me and Christine
have lived the psychological warfare of this house. Claire was given a
remedy. Not only was Claire unconscious for only a day; not only was she
at a different brain development phase; she didnt spend nearly a year
in a children's hospital yet I'm expected to be as ok as Claire while my
only remedy (or lack thereof) was to remain in this house. My mother's
friend Mary witnessed my mother's demeanor around me when I was in
college.
She sucked in her breath at what she witnessed and then moved out of
state. When I was a teen I told my mother's friend Margaret what was
happening behind closed doors. No one had any idea and finally Margaret
abruptly stopped me from talking about it, no one did anything for this
life, and Margaret carried our secret to her grave. Eventually carbon
monoxide is going to get the job done. That's the outcome when a
sweet-sounding control freak is left to rear needy children purposefully
keeping those children dependent instead of teaching them
self-sufficiency in the end not wanting to look foolish or incompetent
so a stranger gets chosen over the flesh and blood that has thrived and
survived this negligent nightmare. That flesh and blood refuses to come
back to where life is easier to live without some kind of justice for
the neglected one - me.
HOPING YOU CAN SAVE ME GREG
ZUK!!! jesus christ no one knows how bad this is. Of one of the few
times in life I spend alone with my mother we enjoy a chinese buffet
because I love seafood. During the end of meal we dance near the subject
of Morris County and why she's obligated to stay here - of course
Christine. When I show her the problems with my car and it might need
major work. she says about getting myself a job. I tell go her to go fix
the problem at the surrogate's court and she waves me away that I need
to stop talking shit. This fucking loose cannon is not being restrained
and no one is doing a damn thing about this. No one gets how bad this
really is with a mother fucking actress getting away with this neglect. I
think I'll go home and double my drunkenness today - ANOTHER CLEAR
REASON WHY THIS NEEDS TO BE REMEDIED.
getting drunker
by the minute and as I watch mom struggle with groceries up the stairs
tell her to simply fix the mistake at the surrogate's court because she
can hardly care for herself and i'll be home. the response was silence.
thank god for four loko.
very unusual. mom doesnt
mention me to her friends anymore. i used to be her pride and joy - i
guess when she was blissfully incoherent to the things i would say over
and over. when she got off the phone she asked about my coughing fit
from sleep. i said I've been swallowing my saliva and waking up choking.
that it can kill me. she didnt say anything. mom is now taking on the
arduous task of going the steps downstairs where she stores paper
towels. prob because of our "argument" today she's not asking me and has
repeatedly refused to call anyone in here to evaluate an electric
chair/lift for the stairs which the surrogate's court has been informed
about. I'm not sure if i got stabbed in the back by the painter or the
court came to evaluate the stair railings with their screws falling out
and no recognition of me. when i woke up choking before i spit out
black. Very unusual. Mom didn't bother mentioning to her cousin Mary
that my first cousin's baby is due to be born on my birthday. That is
definitely something that has always existed. Maybe mom is trying to let
go of apron strings. She's going about it the wrong way because it is
devoid of "ok I screwed up then. Let me fix it now."
September 5th 2013
Getting comfortably drunk rather than pulling an Isabella Yun-Mi Guzman. Typical conversation:
Mom: so what happened to the job in california? It ended?
Me:
no I left. I have a house to take care of. I could have stayed with
advancement but oh well. That's what happens when you have no family to
help.
Mom: well if you sold the house would you go back?
Me: no. You can call the surrogate's court and fix the mess you made.
Mom: let's out a sigh of me talking shit again.
Me: you don't get the breadth and depth of this. I will never be what you were hoping (occuring under her nose for years) .
Mom:
looks at the tv saying nothing ignoring the conversation (alex trebec
being the last image she sees before the blade swings out rupturing
her corrugated artery and it's over quick). Payback for keeping me alive
in this misery. Instead spending time with four loko so I can get
closer to doing this some other time.
Mom: this pan is to not be left in the sink like this.
Me: well it was all GREASE. I needed to soak it...just didn't get to wash it.
mom:(under breath) this should never be left in here.
me:
well I should not be subjected to not having my childhood needs
met...something you can't understand unless you've grown up in America.
mom: silence. me: clanking of 2 ice cubes in glass for the final
numbness/slumber Vodka. So how about those Mets? The weather?
I
have to travel again tomorrow for five or six days. There's a situation
to consider that I might not make it back. If I bite the dust throw a
party for I have been set free! I am NOT to be autopsied or otherwise
left in northern NY. Unless you've settled in to life that fills your
hearts desire the place gives the creeps and there's disembodied spirits
in the area ESPECIALLY women. Return me back to the NYC area if
anything happens to me. I'll give you a hint : Babe Ruth.
September 6th 2013
and
the job I applied for that was available when I got back went to
someone within. nerve wracked about what i'm going to find.I've been gone
for a year & not supposed to b alive i'm too alone for this.
so scared and all alone and no one to share my life with.
hot
water problem, leaking sink problem, battery needed for chirping smoke
alarm,don't know if co alarm is working, lava lamp over ten years old
turned from blue to yellowish ...i wish i didnt have this all by myself
but i went from immigrant harassment by my mother to landlord harassment
with the new orleans chick that i just wanted to start my life in peace
and if that meant my own place that's all i thought at the time. my
life wasn't supposed to fail like this. possibly a new orleans voodoo
spell? i don't know . anyone who knew me then and knows me well now
knows this craziness is not wut i'm about i think back to when i first
got my house and i'm overcome with a wave of sadness. I knew nothing
about the surrogate's court at the insistence of my mother who didn't
know herself and never leaned on anyone for advice about me except in
the context of me being impossible and not medically needy. Four loko
taking faster effect on an empty stomach of 2 pickles and a leg of
chicken with a taste of potato salad and a bit of chicken breast. Dill
pickle potato chips to stay awake longer.
How ironic
CBS is airing teachers with a control freak from nj. There's a
difference between many things. Kept the tv on which woke me up after
4.5 hrs. Think of my psuedo-republican nephews in a different light. The
younger one sounds suspicious and cautious like this mother. He's the
one with the developmental disability that had all this needs met. The other one
volunteered Afghanistan for 6 months. I hope he froze his goods or got
someone pregnant before he left. Otherwise depending on his job is
looking at having a baby with birth defects. I can't handle any of this.
I think I'll get drunk again.
Listening to the
heartbreak of Mt. Rushmore. FDR didn't know of some of the destruction
he caused. Once he found out committed himself to park preservation.
When first going there white men were greeted by curious bears. We
spoofed them.
Recently heard of an NDE in which a
woman witnessed those spirits in hell milling around self-absorbed stuck
in eternal repetition about what happened to them. I must be a living
hell-dweller because that's already what I do.
September 7th 2013
I
remember this story from tv as being the sister victimized last and is
what made Karla crack. Reminds me of my sister and brother in law
http://www.examiner.com/article/barbie-canadian-serial-killer-karla-homolka-where-is-she-today
i
was going to get up before but laying here is an exhaustion symptom
that started in 1991. Mom didn't do anything. What was Claire going to
do? When I would be home on breaks I would spend my days doing brain
exercises and my mother would yell at me as to why I wasn't out working
on break like all other college students. That comparison was WRONG.
can't accept how this all turned out especially by the influence of two
people who were uninvolved in our lives. I think I'll get drunk again or
maybe just lay here. Family could always get involved but they don't
and some won't. Spiraling down down down...
getting
drunk won out as i'm left here to be all alone and just think. I need to
call mom and see if she went for her knee appt yet. Her functioning is
visibly worse. If the surrogate's court doesn't fix this...nm
mom didn't answer the phone. don't know if she's genuinely not home or playing the part of letting go of apron strings.
zzzzzzzz
flashback:
after living with that new orleans chick who probably went to the
wedding of john kaplan and catherine fallon, something came over me in
the summer of 1996 when i couldn't stop crying all day in my apartment. i
decided to ask mom about the time in high school when i was out of
control about not going to the shore after the prom like everyone else.
during
this rage is the only time she said she loved me. Instead of
communicating back to me she simply said "isn't it time for you to come
home? " her tone to me was not one of adequate guidance but just saying
or repeating what someone else would say. Someone needs to fix this.
Other bizarre things that happened to me at this time was visions of an
indian doctor saying to my father emphatically "but the brain" and my
father shaking his head no. Local news station can't seem to have a
female as a co-anchor. Could hire me but seem to insist on keeping their
boys. This is the area I met my one and only that nothing else mattered
but seeing all boys and no females on the newscast has me reeling.
i woke up this morning :(
someone's
going to die if this doesn't get fixed. there's no way I'm accepting
strangers robbing my life of the family i was always going to return to
after following directions from a loose cannon immigrant.
woken
up by house noises over an hour ago. getting drunk again. this is not
healthy for me. Sure I'm independent but despondent in a situation like
this. had no witnesses around when fumes entered my home 9/14/01. that
was just after my mother got christine involved in DDD.
September 8th 2013
REFERENCES
AVAILABLE ON EAST COAST AND WEST COAST I DON'T WANT TO OWN MY OWN
BUSINESS. I WANT TO UPLIFT YOURS. I CAN WORK FROM HOME FOR YOU TOO!
September 9th 2013
then take me under your wing! this abuse by my guardian has me over the top.
I
take that back. Unless stated or pursued otherwise, once turned 18 you
no longer have a guardian. no one stated or pursued otherwise for me. i
was 17 when taken for a second opinion to get into college. when
recommended coll didn't take me in, my then guardian got away with not
protecting me and had plenty of years to DO something solid for
me.bottom line is incompetency...nm i just keep repeating myself.
fuck
my early and responsible plans for the day i need sleep. so this moron
given guardianship of me says last night to get ddd up here to help. as
she's been sleepwalking my existence i've been involved with these
people for eighteen years and they're NOT going to help me. i was too
blown away to go into detail at the time. they used to help me but due
to budget cuts they won't be now.some time in the past three years i
looked into them. it ALL falls on HER. in one breathe she says she can
barely take care of herself and in the next she can take care of
christine just fine without me. bottom line is that this biach (better?)
has and is the loving harasser of my life post injury.
without
a fucking job my hands are fucking tied to do anything and not having a
job is making my unproductive existence a fucking warpath.
How
about giving me a fucking job to untie my fucking hands. I'm NOT
fucking cutthroat so you have nothing to worry about. I'm losing my
mind. 1sheep 2sheep 3sheep...
Yeah I fucking miss
california too. No deserts here to go die in like there. No fracking
fluid to go drink and die from here like there.
Me: as i answered the phone i notice a dent in the beam that wasnt there before.
Mom: well you went and bought that house...
Me: i was being harassed by a landlord here and harassed by you...
Mom: you werent being harassed by me...
Mom: call some organization up there to help you.
Me:
as I've already told you I haven't washed dishes or not lived out of
boxes since strangers moved me in 1997...you need to get on FB where
I've posted all this.
Mom: I'm not getting on FB...no one is going to go up there...
FUCKING
INSANITY AND ABUSE OF ME!!! She says everyone is busy with their own
lives and I tell her she needs to explain the dire need. When I was 17
she took me to a NYC doctor to prove I could go to college after morris
county recommended I not go. She says she didn't and I ask her if she
remembers her. She says she does but that wasn't for me to go to
college.STUPID! PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION!!!
I FUCKING
LOSE IT THAT THIS LOOSE CANNON IS DENYING EVERYTHING. I suggest to her
we all go to counseling where christine's medical plane is STILL waiting
to be acted upon. This loose cannon control freak took on more than she
could handle and I told her my sleeping medication better still be
there when I get back. She KNOWS I work so fix the surrogate's mistake
first so I know I have a reason to stay there and help her do the things
she CANNOT do in a timely manner.
Just left 2
voicemails with a guy who has done regular work on my house. Since I
have no protection out here in the world that's all I can do. He's a
genuinely good guy and i'd be shocked if he came and took away the work
he did. Is he being set up? By the guy who put a metal roof on my house
upside down? And I've been waiting for that court date. My sump pump was
unplugged when I got here and neither people who check my house
unplugged it. My workman is such a good guy who's been crapped on by one
of the businesses around here.
letting go of life but i
started doing that a year ago and unfortunately I'm still here. my
family and the courts don't know what they've done to me as my
vulnerabilities destroy my ability to function out here all alone and
socially isolated.
A lot of that is the exact same of
my mother who should not be left alone as she is. A lot of this is
learned by my mother but each situation unique. Dealing with waves of
sadness. My work guy is a good guy. WHAT is going on????
Live
and learn my family and DO something about what your sister,niece,
daughter, cousin, and in-law got herself into. Many more links to come.
These are also for my friends who have personally known me since high
school and before:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/21310727/
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread171355.html
Impaired decision making - NeuroTalk Support Groups ...
and
so much more information proving Rich and Claire dead wrong. my mother
has more of an idea coz she lives with us but mom doesnt know what
questions to ask to whom and she is too overwhelmed. DO something my
family or possibly my close friends can save me. i was raised by an
incompetent guardian who caused a court order to be given to one of her
dependents while simultaneously being given total guardianship of me and
christine. SOMEONE FIX THIS PAST MISTAKE SO I CAN SALVAGE WHAT
LIFE I HAVE LEFT. Unfortunately I didn't die so someone is stuck with
fixing this mess. I cannot be expected more than i'm capable of. I'm not
lieing. I don't lie well just like Bernadette on The Big Bang Theory.
I stayed at a truck stop in rapid city. Used bathroom sink water for teeth brushing. Ate a meal at the restaurant there.
Went to the wild life drive thru there. Will that end my misery?
America’s Chernobyl: Radioactive Dust Near Mt. Rushmore & Black Hills
Read Story - Watch Video ===> http://bit.ly/Americas-Chernobyl-Near-Mt-Rushmore-Black-Hills-Video
of course got my morning coffee there and think i picked up a rash there.
I
REALLY need family help/protection. Things have been done to my house
while I've been gone and I have no protection or help from anyone here. I
can't even depend on the corrupt police here. I need physical help
here. I need someone to look out for me or I need to be dead.
as
i commented in my mt Rushmore forward i came away from rapid city with a
rash in my groin and underarm area that hasn't gone away. The sooner
death gets here the better at this rate where family is acting deaf blind
and dumb. I'll go to a doctor when mom goes to the surrogate's court
and officially includes me in christine's welfare. For sure.
September 10th 2013
Right on my nose I can feel something is poignant somewhere about me. Can't say I didn't say it.
and along my eyebrow too. those are the disembodied spirits I'm talking about. i'm innocent.
September 13th 2013
Comfortably
numb earlier than expected. Can't handle this. Been trying to get
intervention all week and the lack of response is making me paranoid
that the interveners are or have been involved in the judge's decision.
God
that really sucks that it's seeming the person who violated me with the
house stuff is adding up to be someone I trusted even when it was
mutually agreed upon we had to go our separate ways because our ways of
dealing with our injuries was causing a problem. Afterwards I never
spoke down about them and wished them well - even set up for them to be
connected with like-minded people for networking.
Life
review memory. I was only a year old when this was taken yet I
remembered it as me the one crying. It's not me who couldn't reach. It's
one of the "flashes" before coma I "remember" of my life.
Mom's
an accident waiting to happen again. Talks to the only other guardian
not mentioning a word of her latest medical woes which encompasses
possible unnecessary surgery, current medical worries which might
conflict with said surgery, the need to be like everybody else who don't
have other injuries thirty five years old, and the welfare of her and
Christine during and after said surgery. NOT A WORD. how about them
Mets? The weather?
oh donna that's not my real bday i
went to college with the best computer geeks around. i know way too much
than to put my real info out there. i also admit i'm somewhat paranoid.
i didnt bother uploading the pic yet of Someone's bday - claire,
stephanie, you, and michelle with bday hats on. thanks for the belated
wish but my real bday is in the vicinity of 2 months in the future. my
mom says she thinks michelle is in Georgia. i saw michelle when it used
to still be the grand union and she had her baby in the shopping cart
and said she was happily divorced.
i have to get to a
computer about the pic i'm talking about or else it's gone forever on my
flip phone. are you guys in that one bday pic with claire at the head
of the table? the other pic is an actual memory i had upon waking from a
coma and i was only a year old so it's my evidence i had a life review
and was resuscitated in our accident. i stopped talking to claire when
she refused to take me in when i was being evicted from a nursing home.
if you read my other posts on here you'll see that claire is being
painted a pretty picture but not reality of this household. i would love
to have the same relationship you have with michelle but not without
honesty. i should never have gone upstate. i was just following claire's
footsteps of getting out of this house but the difference is claire had
a court order and all i have is a death wish. glad to hear of your
belief in astro signs! it shows you didn't follow in the footsteps of
The Way International. i think you'll recognize the cowgirl.
September 15th 2013
Christine
is on a short fuse these days. Very negative and it comes from mom.
When I brought home a brand new life with golden hair, a yipping bark,
triangular ears, and a sagging potbelly coz stomach muscles hadn't
formed yet there was a lot of so needed laughter in this house and
Christine went from being zombie-like to interactive. Even after
fourteen years later after Cookie had to be put down Christine readily
laughed at certain things. That is not the case anymore . She'll get
irritated by little things. Cheers!
I don't know about
now coz it's cover-up time but for years claire professed how bad mom's
negativity is.all of that doesn't matter now? the goodness my dog did
for Christine wouldn't have been possible without my exboyfriend who was
particularly good with children and making people laugh. Males are
naturally more easygoing like that but some rise above others.
wonder
what kind of impression i made on the cleaning lady being that it's
mom's hairdresser for years. mom talked to a friend she made at work
years ago who had been laid off i think and that friend didn't even know
mom had a bad leg from an accident. it could
The other
day mom says "I don't know what your intentions are but in the winter
your car can't be in the driveway because the plow guy comes.
surrogate's court and her lawyer cut me out of a guardianship under
false information that I'm uninvolved in this house for many years.until
somebody fixes this lie that exists I have to cut expenses which means
plain vodka with juice
atty straub from budd lake area
with norrie and associates which i think is out of montclair originally
is the gullible fool who fell for my mother and oldest sister. claire's
thinking from her religious perspective is that lying is not best but
she'll point out a verse in the bible where a man of god had to lie to
carry out god's mission. oops! didn't realize plain vodka has 3x the
amount of etoh as flavored. The other cool is court-appointed Cristina Mirda from Mirda and Accardi. I had a female lawyer tell me she
knows Cristina Mirda to be a good atty and very knowledgeable about
brain injuries as she declined to take my case. Cheers! (10-31-15 Cristina Mirda denied to me she knew about brain injuries. It sounds to me Cristina you should have declined to take this case just on ethics alone (maybe "ethics" isn't the exact word I'm looking for)).
September 16th 2013
WHACK!
Mom just can't connect the dots. GULP she was driving the car when a
head-on mac truck rendezvous raped my life. I was brought up in private
school with no extra help which totally short changed the potential I
had left. We already know of the special needs of my nephew that my
sister had to do all by herself because her son was too smart for slow
classes.
Ditzy sister never shared this information
with my caretaker. Ditzy sis is not connecting the dots of my lack of a
caretaker. My caretaker just took a condescending attitude with me that
her grandson has "A JOB." how ironic his job is teacher's assistant in a
private school for special needs. I tell mom he was special needs and
she doesn't believe me. IS ANYBODY AWAKE????? DUE TO MY CARETAKER'S
NEGLIGENCE I AM NOT READY FOR CERTAIN ASPECTS OF LIFE AND I AM NOT
LIABLE WHEN I TURN DANGEROUS SO SOMEONE BETTER FIX THIS MORON IN THE WAY
INTERNATIONAL. someone has got to catch wind of this and fix this.
Cheers!
mom just asked what date it is. i just lost
everything...we just had a blowout. How dare this NEGLIGENCE get away
with this. Christine doesn't understand what this is all about. Someone
kill this hitch who kept is in this misery.
i do love
my mom but this overwhelming stupidity done by her, the courts, the
lawyers, oldest sis, etc is looking dangerous if someone doesn't fix
this child left behind at the surrogate's court. The woman is being
left...it's beyond me to comment on.
September 19th 2013
A
lot going on and Unless claire dialed this # by accident didn't say
anything about the silence when I answered the phone which would be
nothing different about her hypocritical attitude toward raising a child
with special needs and staying silent about her sister she realized
never had those needs met including the simple acts of cooking and
seeing which mom wouldn't allow me to continue when released from
hospital and raised in catholic school which doesn't have home-ec
classes.
now that I'm comfortably numb i can disengage.
Mom had an aerial rug delivered today and when I said it would look
better a different way she said "oh no that's how everyone is doing it
these days." Thus the innapropriate medical attitude I've been raised
in. One small example of the entire history.
Almost
didn't get out of bed today. Too late it hits me that my nephew's
special needs caretaker knowingly and maliciously chooses to ignore the
very important fact that my special needs caretaker not only had no way
of providing for my special needs AND knowingly and maliciously kept me
out of public school for extra help stating "people like that amount to
nothing - paraphrase. It was too late by the time I got a diagnosis in
public school - my confidence had already been shot down by bullying.
Someone explained to me yesterday the things that weren't available
years ago which is well and good but I was knowingly kept out of public
school and even today when mom speaks of my nephew's job she
condescendingly refers to them as "people with problems." I have a
feeling someone said back to her I'm someone with a problem and she just
let it toll off her back. There's no accepting this negligence of me
who went from being a vulnerable and untended to child (in some
important ways) to becoming a vulnerable adult "ousted" mainly because
of some robo-dick brother-in-law who consciously has minimal
acquaintence with this family mainly due to beliefs in The Way
International. In light of what someone said to me yesterday about some
things being in the past the answer is how to remedy the discriminatory
loose cannon in the present - add me formally to the care of my sister
so as to not make the same mistake of flying under the radar making
another's life a trauma wreck. Her cousin suggested to her before about
her and Christine staying home in the day at this stage. Mom was very
definite that they're not ones for that and in light of all that's
happened was a condescending insinuation that I am.
Again,
aloofness to the serious responsibility she was given upon the custody
of a child released from a hospital at such a young ave having had a
sister work in the school system for years in America who once stated it
was no fair to do that to me but I have never known to get involved in
this situation. *young age*... that's where if these sibling immigrants
can't look after proper care of a vulnerable offspring in this country
they need to go back to where they came from and stay within what they
know. Mom's movements have slowed so much that she needs help with what
she's doing today but is not asking. Someone as slowed as her should not
be caring for Christine alone - a statement way overdue - but I am
lifting a minimal finger without things being on the radar screen.
the
past created the present train wreck. there's a remedy for that at the
surrogate's court. they know what they're getting away with. that's part
of why judge wilson put in for early retirement which gov. christie
denied her. til the next hug! me and mom go for some intervention
tomorrow. this situation swings the gates of hell wide open. thank you
for helping me stay grounded.
truly truly truly!! i
left with the old warm feeling of being home again dont know about the
hang in part. it seems to hit me more and more the incompetence i was
raised by (which is doable) but in the end to not have our lives come
full circle in honesty is absolutely unacceptable. just saying that
makes me want to reach for alcohol to calm but i have to drive myself
someplace today.
October 7th 2013
So
Claire would never buy microwavable vegetables. Does she even know the
condition of mom's hands not cut out for other cooking methods anymore?
Either probably not, has turned a blind eye or something's not right
with me in that this house has become too much a part of my existence.
October 8th 2013
Things
are not looking good. I need a reason to stay in this abuse. Not spend
six months proving I can work, workout at the gym, basically be stable
just so I can be part of this guardianship. I've lost enough of my life.
I understand the demands of a court but I've already proved enough
while being subjected to way more than any human ... ugh
ironic
i'm watching concussion with the nfl. i don't have a concussion/coma
claim against many. told mom she needs to take care of or cancel her
plans for next week or i'll be gone. permenantly gone. will it work this
time?
stopped watching this pbs special early due to my own medical needs
don't
know why I'm awake at 3am.wouldn't surprise me why i an. want to leave
this place which would be sat. or Sunday mom displayed her unwillingness
to call a lawyer or surrogate's court to even find out about temporary
guardianship I just heard Christine sneeze at 3:35 am and remembered
back to when she used to get up at 2 or 3 am and stay up. My mother
would get calls from the school that she was falling asleep in class and
do nothing. Sleep disturbances are part of brain injury. Like I said
with my sleep disturbances, she would freak out, say it's my guilty
conscience, and do nothing. I guess I wasn't forceful enough in my pro
se performance at the surrogate's court. Fuck it. Vodka has me numb.
Just waiting to fall asleep in the short term. If you only knew the
homicidal thoughts I have about christopher luongo, judge deanne m. wilson,
steven j. straub esq., and Cristina mirda esq.
October 9th 2013
Holy
airhead batman! The things I heard about Claire today. Of course mom is
no better. And just to think i'm the only one amongst all us brain
injured who insisted on a diagnosis which the surrogate's court turned
around and used against me.
Happens once shame on them. Happens twice shame on me!
depressed.
awoke at 2:30 am and still awake 2.5 hrs later. out of Vodka to put me
back to sleep. my airheaded and undiagnosed sister - finally I nailed it
today that her clueless head in the clouds is uninformed about a lot of
1/2 baked shell realities mom is living in and i'm the one caught in
the crossfire. i knew she was painting a pretty pic for Claire but
actually ...screw it - four loko is starting to work.
October 13th 2013
I'm
going to get double drunk today. Mom must be loaded (as in drunk is not
ruled out as a possibility). She's contemplating spending an
astronomical amount of $$ for Christine's care rather than petition the
surrogate's court to add me as medical guardian. This care is only
temporary. She's paranoid i'm after money. She denies that but she's not
coherent (or even knowledgeable) to realize that's one of the arguments
her lawyer made against me in court. Mom didn't even tell the
nonmedical caregivers about the anti-seizure mess whose doses CANNOT
missed. Mark my words - my disaster was allowed to happen. Airhead
doesn't have a clue. Instead of reaching out for needed help mom's
"nerves" are responsible for SO MUCH.
*numb* no ones helping clear this situation *numb*
when
shit hits the ceiling morons turn to lying like saying Claire was never
court ordered out of this house. ha! you cant erase history. sometimes
corrupt people try.
on my 2nd round. cheers!
October 15th 2013
Earlier
I caught a flash out of my eye as I was sitting finishing dinner at the
kitchen table. These people have to understand the damage they've done.
I might as well be Jason or Carrie. The flash came from where one of
the local psychos lives. Her and the psycho next door claimed years ago
me and my friend were peeping toms by snapping a picture of us while we
turned around to them calling my name while playing on my deck. They're
court case dismissed but it did reveal my dad built our deck w/o a
permit. We needed to mourn in peace but instead had cruel neighbors,
some of which Claire befriended. There will be no peace until there is
justice. The psycho where the flash came from said we were "looking at
her in her birthday suit." *gag * this is psycho is probably a shriveled
prune naked. I've only ever thought of her as trashy meanwhile her
sister is the mother of a boy that was a grade behind me. To make
matters worse I was loved by a guy who thought/treated me like I had no
life and is all the more reason i'm a train reck today. Being covered by
no-fault for life means being stalked for life.
sometimes
paranoia and depression is overwhelming. sometimes it's not paranoia at
all but bonafide intuition of dirty deeds you cant prove - you just
know they're happening.
Nice guardian! Mom's going in
for surgery and has to do it alone. As far as I know Claire never
offered to go with her even over Ten years ago when mom had to do it
alone. Yeah I'm sure it's because of airhead's religious belief that bad
spirits are hanging around where ever medical conditions are as per The
Way International which broke up unless airhead is in a court of law
where God allows lying if it's for good purposes.
October 17th 2013
Unexpectedly
depressed. Intervention by someone non-brain injury specific bad idea.
They're familiar with me for years but none of it with working knowledge
of brain injury. For example, there's a difference btwn being stubborn
and the brain damage deficits of inadequate perception and decision
making. Not only that but the cultural difference she comes from:
oblivion to the developmental psychological needs and understanding of a
child as well as the ability to be cold. In other words collateral
damage. Oh at this age it's not even worth going into? 2nd around.
Cheers
round 3. Another example is that there's no Big
psychological thing about the people closest to me were created long ago
in a cruel environment after changing my original post-injury
environment. The more my environment changed, the more problems I had
with social skills having never had proper conmunity integration. Then
add on all the legal things never taken care of. Cheers
round
4. saying maybe mom is dragging her feet because I'm giving ultimatums
has nothing to do with a history of medical neglect and recklessness. i
understand defence mechanisms but untreated seizures had immediate
danger surrounding it.an incompetent guardian if she hears the doctor
say "maybe it was a seizure, witness no seizure meds administered, and
then fails to take to a different doctor because the same seizure med
she's on now is the same available during those years.
this
intervener comes up with some good ideas but to not see how mom never
has dealt with all of this helps the running in circles scenario. with
this intervener i got in the habit of making the majority of my daily
intake fresh fruits and vegetables but i put on weight. staying away
from a thyroid blood test has to do with staying away from non-invasive
procedures. not only had i been forced on psychotropic drugs which could
have destroyed my thyroid but the post-surgery meds I was forced on was
percocet rather than what my surgeons prescribed which was vicodin. The
doctor at the rehab refused vicodin saying percoset is the exact same
thing. Mom then recklessly helped the eviction go forward by saying
she'd take me in...comfortably numb.
October 19th, 2013
The
air blew me out of the bldg. Why would I even contemplate saying hello
to a liar who just sat there hearing another one of mom's lies. Like I
said a long time ago I'll have something to say to airy Clairey when she
gets a clue. Prove me wrong.
today's lie was a 3rd
party witnessing the earth shattering lie mom made out in court as to
why getting Christine help for modern medical help was all a
fabrication. she doesn't know the other cat out of the bag about
christine's eyesight.
not sure if the adrenaline from
lies is keeping me awake or the alcohol took extra time in getting me to
sleep or exhaustion from all.
round 3 complete. mom
can call me if she needs me today. i just can't handle the lies of these
incompetent guardians and mom better fix this or the next time she
needs surgery she wont the help around the house she needs. claire's
head is too caught up in the clouds by an orgasm from robodick.
October 20th 2013
Round 1 and the Big Bang theory
Round 2 complete
woke
up depressed from reality and being idle. woke up every 2 hours last
night. during one of those sleeps had dream was milling around what was
probably a college campus with lots of other people. minding my own
business and noticed 2 african american guys in this predominently white
campus were milling around me too much. my internal alarm went off and I
started screaming help which went unnoticed except for the 2 guys who
started to mug me. One of them reached into my purse pulling out a gun
and shot me in the neck and my screams changed to "911,911,911..." i
woke up being vocal. he shot me in the neck where the thyroid gland is
located, thus blew out my thyroid, and the gun in my purse was the exact
handgun used in the end by the boyfriend in a movie i've seen "Stalked
at 17."...yup.
October 22nd 2013
Round 3
of salad...round 2 of alcohol...round 1 of The Big Bang Theory. What a
life. Round 1 of alcohol happened out of sheer restlessness. Mom's been
told many times to fix the mess at the surrogate's court and I'll stay
here and get a job. I never have a problem getting a job here. Only NYS.
It doesn't help that I spoke out against them specifically at a hearing
held by the national council of disability. It also doesn't help I was
unaware I had fallen into the political switchboard btwn the united
states and canada having no idea I was a bill in a china shop. Just like
mom regrets having the surgery I told her she shouldn't have, she's
going to regret it if she doesn't fix this. She has a hard time caring
for herself let alone Christine. Airhead doesn't have a clue. My
california boss is someone I can count on but I assume she hasn't
figured things out yet w/ the NY company yet or I can work for her from
here w/technology. *bored* etc... cheers
saw earlier
the speech one month b4 he died of jfk talking about how we're all
doomed with the manipulation of natural resources. his precursor to his
suicidal speech on secret societies. i guess that's what i did. if dying
at home didn't work i still have enough to drive back out to the
desert. mom says she can get inhome help anyway. no one needs me. I'm
free to die.
October 23rd 2013
Today
I was told I act like the age when my original environment post-injury
changed. Although stung by the presentation I can't say I disagree.
That's what happens when you leave a developmental delay/disability
unchecked. I was a wise child w/ a high level of emotional intelligence
but certain key things are consistent with my declaration i'm not ready
to be the age I am. I'll let the misinformation about public schools not
having remedial classes slide because it's merely misinformation.
round
2 complete. i think it's unfamiliar noises in this house waking me over
2 hours ago. i have a house i can go die in but that limits my time of
death due to the back tax situation. plus I'm not so comfortable
spending eternity with other disembodied spirits in the area. except for
one soul only.
I'm in my 2nd round. i was extremely
tempted before to call Claire and tell her to stop allowing this
rediculous amount of money to be spent on Christine when i can care for
her just fine. all she has to do is have a consent form/order signed by
her,my mother, and the judge. i stopped myself because i'm waiting on
other things. today i witnessed a medical professional tell my mother
the same thing i did - that just because surgery was ok for others she
knows that she can't compare because everyone is different pointing out
age, weight, etc. (i kept my mouth shut about medical history
circumstance since 1978). in the history I've lived out in the world it
is obvious i cant do it on my own successfully. that has to do with
things gained during developmental years. this structure in mom's house
works for me but recuperating here with mom's nerves and high stress is
not conducive and Claire knows that. perhaps she forgets how stressful
living here is. i guess i need to meet with you to show you how
structureless my life out in the world is and Claire has witnessed none
of it yet hid behind her husband's orders that if i was involved in
christine's care she couldn't be. that bittersweet photo of us four
sisters has NOTHING to do with richard mould and The Way International.
united we stand applies here. we work as a disabled team without Claire
and she not only has no involvement in our everyday lives but doesnt
know a lot going on. i appreciate your input... it's priceless. You were
there before and after our disabled lives. I haven't uploaded yet the
holloween pic of Claire and Michelle. There's a lot more I can't get
down on mobile but your input is cherished. I never knew about your
father and not sure when it happened but it's very different to happen
during developmental years or later on but thanks for the insight.
Before my creditors cut off this message again by calling me I'll hit
the "update" button
ok i'm outside of creditor hours
and the usual of not sleeping. as far as recuperating from surgery in a
low stress environment, that is the clue i thought Claire would know by
now - the SERIOUSNESS of being evicted from a nursing home which i was
in 2005. and Claire is sole guardian over christine? Claire refused to
watch Christine again after her sons had to witness Christine in
frustration. and Claire is the sole other guardian? as far as the
constant comparison my mother does i understand it's because of her lack
of education but not only is that unacceptable in the raising of a
child in america with medical needs but it crashed the train of my life
with my medical needs unique to Christine. OKAY that's the past. based
on recklessness we know of the past there's no reason for someone as
competent as me to NOT be christine's
medical
guardian. focusing on my own life is exactly what my mother is so pissed
off about in me not coming back home. then she turns around and uses it
against me that the surrogate's court fell for hook, line, and sinker.
til there's more to say... my mother gave a story of how Christine can't
miss her workshop she's going to yet she's missing it now everyday and
doing just fine. She's missing 2 tv shows she sees every night and doing
just fine. There's a whole resume of a bungled guardianship regarding
children raised by a loose cannon immigrant and an eldest daughter who
doesn't have a fucking clue.
round 4 because three
hours of sleep is not enough when i'm going to visit mom today for my
real bday. this time last year i was asleep in a truck stop near Tracy
California in preparation for my participation in the 1 year anniversary
of the Oakland california pepper spraying incident. i was prepared to
die in November from running out of resources but on this day last year
learned about Strike Debt from a fellow occupier also visiting the
oakland 1 year. from there i stayed a couple different places in
Monterey Bay for the next few months. then i took a friend's suggestion
to go to Sacramento which did not work out but i was stuck. Changed my
location again for a few months and had my final road trip date set when
the clear blue sky rained a job on me by someone I know has spirit
working for them. It helped me stay afloat for awhile but knowingly wasn't going to save me leapt on the opportunity to die at home. Didn't work
October 24th 2013
Got up so I can get numb and go back to sleep. I don't want to be alive w/o personal help for my life.
November 9th 2013
http://youtube.com/watch?v=JsJWMdGcUog&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJsJWMdGcUog I heard this woman say she had been comatose.
I'm
fucking pissed off this is seen by others as mental health. It's a
brain injury rehabilitation issue. Atleast from my point of view where
the injury is developmental and surrounded by cold and cruel family. I
was denied cleaning help by the county because I have a cluttered mess
and not a sticky mess. It's an old house that I aquired with old
cast-iron plumbing that hadn't been replaced by the time the cops let
themselves in and saw urine in my toilet which was the deciding factor
in assaulting me and forcibly drugging me. I know what this woman's
problem is that she is not dirt poor enough to get state cleaning
services thru medicaid. Been there. Done that. That is why I choose
death rather than the "can't win can't lose" mentality put aside for
those with brain injuries and disabilities. How about a f*cking
change?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=mZ_GgOysu6o
now
that mom has done her homework it was all a completely unnecessary
thing to happen. she could have protected my life and property from
going out into the world but she was too caught up in the american
immigrant's dream for a better life rather than her plans took a detour
and she must face or prepare for reality.
Hmmm brokaw doesn't believe in the secret societies suicide speech as per letterman this evening. Hmmmmmm
http://m.digitalspy.com/tv/news/a524470/tom-brokaw-to-host-nbc-news-jfk-assassination-documentary.html
i also wonder constantly about the crookedness along the straight line from potsdam ny to ottawa on canada
then again someone can save my life from the hole it's fallen into and i don't think and say this stuff that i am uninformed about. stress. Vodka.
!
great now bush invaded my dream. the more i spoke the quieter he got
which was a bad sign but i kept right on talking like a child that
doesn't know better andthe more he silently kept looking at me with a
baffled look.
November 11th 2013
Today
mom told me she was Watching this same time and other people watching
with her were laughing. Although my situation is nowhere as bad as this
dramatization why would she tell me that? To pledge her unsupport of her
injured child? To gauge her fitting in to american life? To impose a
hopeful change on me? Welcome to a cyclone life of utter confusion or
inappropriate post-injury life.
and the c*nt still is more concerned about being a power freak rather than resolution for flesh and blood.
and the c*nt still denies her son-in-law played a role.
after
i have proven myself right with 2 medical professionals and lots of
other people the c*nt still is acting like the reckless power freak that
did this life in to begin with.
damn the day carbon
monoxide didn't get the job done. damn the desire to not die painfully.
SO wishing i had insight as to how we knew each other in a past life for
this situation to turn out the way it did. old-school cold irish fish. i
know what happened as soon as we got off the phone. she called a friend
as always has and says hello with a cheery tone and engages in
conversation that ignores me and the subject matter completely. THAT'S
how everything got this way.
http://www.linesforlife.org/.../olcc-bans-four-loko-and...
it's
one of those brain injured directionless moments that holds back from
trashing the house and holds back from jumping in the car and holds back
from any other remedy not knowing which remedy will suffice.
curse this fucking inadequate power freak guardian put in charge of my life.
i
was originally going to fuck the day from not being in the mood for the
idle life i lead due to stupidity. it's turned into much more. i dont
deserve the reckless guardian I've been given. i dont deserve the power
freak c*nt that gave me birth. oh stephanie and dad, why did you leave
me here all alone with this recklessness? staying here was not in my
best interests. i finished my four loko. now i need Vodka. then i need
to decide where i'm taking off out of here.
finally the
memory of what would happen. getting on the phone with people and
striking a conversation instead of paying attention or getting help on
what to do about her youngest injured telling no one what was happening
or getting support from some that I'm just a problem or I'm just going
through a phase I'll grow out of. Claire was never around to witness any
of this and then turns around and says she did her best. I need to
decide what my next move is. I'm not going to survive. I'm not backing
down from my refusal to do welfare or bankruptcy because this is not my
fault and this incompetence stays in her lying denial. She doesn't need
to be told yet again I need a reason to get a job here to stay here.
That's another way all fell apart. Keeping repeating myself and not
being taken seriously...nothing changed out in the world and my long
term relationship was the flame to the frying pan ... funny how i picked
up that phrase from him.
trying to figure out my next move. where to go and what to do.
mom
has already answered the question to a 3rd party if she feels guilty
about driving a car that led to the death of one child and other
catastrophe and my knowledge was confirmed - she doesn't "because she
doesn't know what happened." as I've said before that is an American (or
other) mentality that does not fit this situation. the 3rd party
believes her and thinks she has a broken heart. her heart is going to
continue to break if she doesn't fix this.
mom also
told the 3rd party she laughs at people about "this stress" yet that's
exactly the claim made in court by her,Claire, and their lawyer about
me. at least i have a witness i guess. i took the advice b4 from a post
about talking to your spirit guides and guardian angels. after looking
into the exercise a memory came back about when i used to talk to Claire
about the unsurety of my schooling and my major. i said to her how dad
was that smart and she corrected me. i was still in the phase of "well
there are geniuses in the world who had siblings and parents that were
not" but in either case Claire was exposed to saving this life long ago
while raising a child with special needs very similar to mine.
this
is the usual. mom calls me 3 times today to know about if she needs to
call the landscaper. i made it clear as usual yesterday to include me
formally in the welfare of my sister and she can rely on me. i'm ignored
as usual. i can ignore her phone calls until she fixes the lies and
mess she made at the surrogate's court since i learned what was wrong
with me in 1995 i've known this but this is why i need all spirit guides
and guardian angels need to leave me so i can die in peace - they love
unconditionally and don't necessarily compensate for impaired decision
making and i didn't have a father around for that,..vodka. once the
mystery was unveiled at age 25 I was incapacitated at the time to take
care of this aspect of my life and my mother (my sole guardian) was dead
air when I would tell her to do something. This is also the time Claire
could have saved this life. The counselor who unveiled the truth lived
with brain-injured veterans at the university so when witnessing or
hearing about my symptoms they were no Big deal. Vodka going well.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/21310727/
in other words I need an exception to the statute of limitations and
competency to take care of this which is not likely. Spirit of life let
me go. I'm carrying way too much without the proper help I need to stay
within the environmental life I know and be healthy which is a brain
injury need.
mom's still calling. i need death coz no one is taking care of this and i have nothing left.
after
spending another day in bed it's time to prepare my drink and watch
Ellen. the alternative is someone saving this life coz i cant - a job
and medical guardianship mom just had airhead drop by because she was
"worried" Airhead said she told mom that she's free to have me involved
but she needs to pull out of the guardianship. mom never told me
Claire's response - powerfreak. claire still talks in her biblically
taught "sweet" voice. she denied what the lawyers all know and shared
that her husband said she couldnt be
involved in the
guardianship if i was. she was going to use the bathroom and but instead
didnt. robodick and friends never came to pick up the furniture because
i'm here. it will be interesting to see if mom calls the cops in
getting me out of here. robodick cant hide his lying eyes while i'm
here.
November 13,2013
About to pass out.
fell
asleep w the tv on and had dream insynch with the infomercials. my
dream was an infomercial to sponsor a little girl in helping her. she
had long brown light hair and her mother talked about what she needed
but couldn't provide. i should have not chickened out of the desert. now
what?
contemplating pills. i just can't have this be
how life turns out. even if it meant traveling here on weekends to help
out while working elsewhere ...
texted Claire telling
her to take herself off the guardianship then. that blood is thicker
than water and obviously she chooses water
mom just had
airhead drop by because she was "worried" Airhead said she told mom
that she's free to have me involved but she needs to pull out of the
guardianship. mom never told me Claire's response -powerfreak. claire
still talks in her biblically taught "sweet" voice. she denied what the
lawyers all know and shared that her husband said she couldnt be
involved in the guardianship if i was. she was going to use the bathroom
and but instead didnt. robodick and friends never came to pick up the
furniture because i'm here. it will be interesting to see if mom calls
the cops in getting me out of here. robodick cant hide his lying eyes
while i'm here.
today i was particularly anxious but
held back from posting. that's how i would say spirit works in my case.
spirit is trying to tell you something when you feel like you cant sit
still.
ok so now that i know what the deal was i might
be going to jail soon. mom clings onto me for years and then in the end
chooses something anti-her. yeah right.
Claire said
that because of the interaction between me and my mother she cant be
involved. i informed her about the recent revelation about mom's
harassment to my brain injury which she wasnt around to witness. that is
discrimination to my brain injury. without intervention I'm left for
death. i finished my 4loko. now onto vodka. trying to prepare myself for
jail soon by an uneducated incompetent immigrant.
i
will not have this. trying to kill myself with vodka. it's not going to
work. why would Claire deny what was common knowledge a couple years ago
that her husband said she couldn't be involved if i was? oh so she
would be ok with me in and her out? this is too much to handle! she
doesn't make any sense all I ever planned on is returning home under
honest conditions but it's been shattered by some robodick from georgia?
And a powerfreak immigrant? And an airhead who avoids arguments at all
costs? she doesn't know the lawyers don't lie for her and it's common
knowledge she hid behind her husband?
why don't i just
give out this address so her house can be robbed and ransacked? that's
what she did to me but i'm supposed to have protections as a vulnerable
adult. Maybe it's not so bad to not die at home.
November 14th 2013
Getting
drunk. I just can't handle some stranger (brother-in-law) not even in
this picture can't handle no protector can't handle
Called mom and said what to do. If Claire has to pull out if I'm in then do so.
Somebody help me!
I can't just sit still. I remember mom yelling at me that I was ruining my life and I told her she already ruined it.
My
god-mother just called here 2ce. So fucking ironic I couldn't get
protection from my godparent when I finally told the truth of what was
happening. Her only response was she couldn't get involved because she
couldn't imagine losing a child and she thought we got nothing less than
a million dollars for our injuries. Keep in mind what mom has said to a
3rd party.
She did tell me that my godfather was
shocked that when they visited our house some years after.our accident
mom still had stephanie's room exactly the same and pictures all over. I
can't handle not having a protector AND having a stranger have the say
in christine's life. In the past year mom stopped referring to each of
our individual bedrooms. I can't have this.
Nice to
hear from you greg zukowski! Even to be momentarily pulled out of my
despair. If only I could get back the time with you guys. I was going
after runaway goals, etc. Brain damaged social skills was my biggest
killer once I was out in the world all alone and the only thing Claire
would do is recite the bible verse that man was not made to be alone. So
no one took care of my medical needs and then in the end her husband
uses the brain damaged interaction between me and my mother to further
rape my life. I need to go buy more alcohol.
More
alcohol bought. I'm good atleast for another week. Less depending on
circumstance. So can't anyone save this life? I was left with an
incompetent guardian and catholic school followed by a botched legal
proceeding.
Mom called before doing the usual
life-goes-on-as-usual routine asking me if i'm coming to lunch and to
let her know. Called her back saying "the only thing you need to know is
if Claire can't be involved in this guardianship if I am then you take
her off and put me on. If that's how Claire has to have it then that's
all you need to know. That's all you need to do." Click.
November 15th 2013
called
mom to see what her choice is and she is very clear she is ignoring me.
she is in adamant denial her son-in-law has anything to do with it and
won't respond to Claire's verification of it. when addressing the issue
of how reliable I've been she will agree but she keeps running in a
circle that i need to get a job having been told over and over i'm not
looking for a job here where getting a job is not a problem unless i
have a reason to stay here. she still has blinders on as always. she's
been reminded of the dead air she's been in 1996-1997 about doing
something legally for us. statute of limitations have long since passed.
i had 2 years from the time of kmowledge in 1995. only when I'm dead is
she going to regret. i gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she
doesn't understand the legal process that because i acted as my own
lawyer the other lawyers had to share the information with me about my
in-law. in her 1/2 baked shell she still denied it. the woman has so
many problems with her hands shoulders and knees she can barely afford
to safely live here. she has witnessed for two months how many things
i've done she cant do anymore yet she is allowing Claire who does
minimal to help her to do what she's doing. she still turns off reality.
For example, when Claire was here the other day she pushed in the
garbage can so it's hard to reach and had Claire been here to know
better would not have done that. Mom's to the point of saying to a 3rd
party it's not a problem because she just had to use her cane to
maneuver it out. Something is really out of proportion here. I know the
stress she puts me and Christine thru to accomplish such a task.
November 16th 2013
Robodick,
Claire, and their borrowed van is here to pick up the furniture while
bringing mom home. I have no patience for this. Claire just walked in
here and said nothing. mom's been told she's going to bury a 3rd child
if she doesnt take care of this. this fallls on Claire. from the getgo i
desired Claire to be included but she abides by robodick who is a
stranger to us. i think Claire said they're leaving after loading the
furniture but claire is remaining to get mom settled. I have no patience
for this lack of communication. How did I wind up in this deadly
negligent family?
i can hear muffled male voices. mom
has stuff she's supposed to read over fordirections after surgery
andblows it off which is the usual medical negligence we were raised
under post accident and no one kept this loose cannon in check i will
not have this and be alive. We'll see how long. I've been here for so
long having patience knowing the mistake this woman made. I'm not
kidding this woman. She doesnt accept reality and i cant have it that
way. Rich came up to say he has to zoom . What a manipulative evil.
That's the usual of how uninvolved in our lives he is and Claire is.
They have to be in clifton in 45 mins. That's the usual uninvolvement.
Rich tries not to stick around much. Taking care of his crippling mother
in law is not his priority and neither is it Claire's. I know life here
way too much.
Claire's getting ready to leave. that's
the usual ... doesn't stick around long. doesn't know how badly mom
needs help and mom is fine with her "everything's fine" reality but only
with Claire. Me and Christine have been her stress takers.
Christine has no choice and I'm being punished for getting away from what crashed my life into a wall.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xZWIl9S4qZI...
mom's
friend who had great successes with surgery because she has proper
supports and no major medical history just called yet all this loose
cannon immigrant has done is compare herself to everybody else including
the children she was in charge of. She's still comparing and hasn't
learned her lessons. Go figure! That's all she'll do. Her friend is
surprised she's been gone all this time but her friend doesn't know how
medically incompetent mom is. These lives have not been taken care of
properly and I'm going to wind up the casualty without intervention. Ah
so mom is receiving money from no fault. That's why she spent an
outrageous amt of $ on Christine rather than fix this family because
she's getting reimbursed from nofault.
Claire can't
kneel down anymore because of her knees. She's witnessing mom's lack of
planning and letting it slide not connecting the impact that did to her
injured children including Claire. She didn't leave right away. As she's
going to pick up groceries and dinner I asked mom if she asked Rich
about his disapproval of her based on her catholicism. No answer. This
was after seeing me and saying hello after showing no cause for concern -
the usual ignoring we have a problem. Last night she flat out denied
it. I know it's a fact based on my many conversations with Claire before
her recklessly stupid move of denying me shelter being evicted from a
nursing home
can't take this. getting numb.
Claire's
back. I'm going to tell her before she leaves what mom doesn't. Here's
another difference. Claire paid for everything to tell mom what to pay
her back whereas the 3 of us have always just lived and shared alike.
Very much like lives in old Ireland. That could be why she's like this.
She's embarrassed and totally turning away from that life. Claire doesnt
even know where to look for plates in this house. Clare's oldest was in
germany for3 days before going to Afghanistan (or coming back). If only
I had a violent streak-i'd push her down the staircase. See how she
likes living the only way I know.
man i tottally lost
it.all the screaming Claire says she wont have all just happened mostly
as she was closing the garage door. we should have had this argument
earlier. i would have pushed her down the stairs for her manipulative
silence. The fuck when I tell her mom's going to bury her 3rd child she
acts like an asswipe.
let go of life tonight? extremely tempting. i think i'll stick it out for that stairecase fall tomorrow if it's in the cards.
i
just sat down with mom making things very clear and she just kept going
in circles talking about things outside the subject matter i just made a
lot clear to mom and kept bringing her back to point when she kept
going back on things we'd already been through about, among others,
Claire's descrimination against my own brain injury.
monday's the day I'm planning on taking care of myself if this uneducated immigrant loose cannon does not act. Mon night.
How
dare this uninvolved airhead look me in the eye like a child and say
"end of discussion" like you would to a child. I know I still feel like a
child but this is not a remedy. Claire does not accept my brain injury
symptoms and if I can't take care of this on this side of the curtain
it's something to be done from the other side.
OMG this
woman doesn't listen to EDUCATED REASON. she's still comparing herself
to her friend! I'm too numb to remember what the latest subject matter
is about.
oh i remember what it was about. driving for 5
weeks. i specifically remember her therapist saying "uh-oh" when mom
said she drove before she used to 13 years ago with that surgery. this
time mom is stating she's ok to drive (even with glaucoma she DIDN'T
have 13 years ago) comparing herself to the same friend surprised she
was gone as long as she was. after off the phone I reminded her about
monday until she would answer and her response was "ok just stop." which
indicates me not being taken serious.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0595151523?pc_redir=1
mom's been told and told and told now and thruout the years.
November 17th 2013
just
had another flasback of being ignored. there was a time that for close
to a year when i was 15 constantly begging mom to buy a steamer for
cooking our vegetables because it's healthier. as usual with SO MANY
things i went ignored until her sister told her she bought one and
although it may sound comical to some that is a black comedy
highlighting the world of invalidation i was raised in post-injury which
had serious consequences that leads me to being the casualty of this
woman needing to have had oversight in raising her children post-injury.
feeling
light-headed today and not sure why. somtimes low blood pressure can do
that and if you're eating things like garlic which can further lower
blood pressure that can happen. is my heart finally giving out? if so DO
NOT save me and throw a party that i'm resting in peace.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=cRT_cNfsQsk...
Claire
just left and still wont address a life and death issue so i simply
kept reading this entire thread over and over and i went ignored. she's
coming back and i will resume and their cruelty will resume as well.
mark my words. mom says take Christine to the get-better plan and i will
not do that, lessons learned, without there being some kind of formal
oversight. Mom can have her pride or I have no saving in this life. Mom
is doing like my exboyfriend did of reverse psychology in trying to turn
this to be just some almost - mysterious problem of my own. Christine
was able to answer what mom didn't understand of who the ex is. For me
that is a joyous milestone and reminds me of all the good me and my ex
did for Christine with a btand new puppy we helped Christine with. Mom
sees that as trivial. That highlights the aloofness to our medical
needs. I don't hate my mom by any means. But mom has and is making it
impossible for me...mom still won't accept my refusal to do this
get-better plan informally based on experience. Claire is back and I
will not back down from her knowing what she is consciensly denying
/ignoring.
so Claire has been addressed by mom and
Claire is experiencing a temper tantrum. glad Claire finally witnesses
this. Claire now knows the screaming Christine does. mom just said
anyone would scream at me. the brain injury temper tantrum is still
happening. when Christine was scteaming Claire had to go in a room and
close the door because she can't handle her family as they are. all this
time Claire says i'm the only one who does this. i texted telling her
but she denies getting those kind of communications. not that it matters
but Claire finally sees this is not just me. mom asked Claire if she
would sit down w a professional and Claire refused.
I'm
sure Claire will sourly regret ignoring her family believing god has
taken care of her. Claire has not been in this house to know the lives
she left behind. i'm so glad Claire finally witnesses but i dont trust
she will healthfully know what to do with this knowledge because she is
uninvolved in the crux of her family. We already heard it from the
horses mouth she refuses to sit down with a mediator. I hugged Christine
apologizing she is going thru this but obviously Claire is not in this
family's best interest. This is why I keep sending out s.o.s. (corrected from "sis" 11/12/15) flares for
help. Nobody is coming to our aid. Mom tried.
Claire just left. like all of us she can't function with background noise which was my reading material.
Claire
has FINALLY WITNESSED WHAT SHE LEFT BEHIND. I almost want to postpone
my annihalation date to see how this plays out. i think i most
definitely will hold off. exactly what i've been saying that Claire does
not know enough about this household. i just dont have anyone (legal
help) to get the surrogate's court to reopen the case. I'll probably
email this entire thread to the deputy surrogate. He has not returned
any of my phone calls or emails.
feeling some huge
relief off my shoulders about this and emotional that someone's prayer
out there was directed at me/us and it worked. no one including me is
always right in those feelings but it's kind of like when i posted my
final road trip and a job came at me out of the clear blue sky with no
rhyme or reason. that's how spirit works and i have to see if this
changes anything. i'm still emotional out of the clear blue sky. did NOT
see this coming.
man i feel Unexpectedly worn out too.
while
i've been here Christine has gone out everyday walking in between our
cars just fine yet since Claire doesn't see that everyday she
inappropriately moved the cars. she also left on lights that mom doesn't
leave on because it's a problem to get someone here to change them.
just another example.
Andrea yates was on a cocktail of
drugs when she killed her 5 children.shame on the moneymakers of these
drugs.http://rense.com/general11/an.htm
i was raped by a
haldol injection all because my old cast-iron pipes hadn't been
replaced yet. the cops left evidence after this whirlwind rape of my
life by leaving my basement door unlocked. i always lock my basement
door so for me to me to return home another reason why Monday seems
sufficient time to finally pull the plug on this laughing stock life -
no justice. no peace.
fortune cookie: "time is precious
but truth is more precious than time." perhaps Claire and The Way
International should apply chimese philosophies to medical conditions.
November 18th 2013
Today
is not a good day. It's transition after a month. Have to listen to mom
still carrying thru on plans for others taking care of Christine when
it's unnecessary.
the way i went ballistic Saturday is
from the culmination of restlessness, worthlessness, boredom,and
others. get-well plan will be here any day and the 3 of us are going to a
"mediator." i asked mom if she's going to ask Claire to come and she's
not " because she won't go." i sensed mom's surprise yesterday when
Claire said no. maybe it wasn't surprise -don't know but definitely
something.
can't handle the things I'm seeing here but
not going to say a word. i let the surrogate's court know about the
inadequate railings on the stairs and to this day this 77 year old
asshole just says oh she just took care of it when she felt like it
after i had prepared to die and failed at one point. too bad she's old.
she's a useless immigrant for the children she dragged over broken glass
in this country. For all Christine holds back like the rest of us
that's how yesterday is a blessing. Everybody's underwear is hung out
now. Vodka is doing me well as I feel disembodied spirits(?) Do work
around my earlobe where pierced ears are significant because it
corrected the error over which child was dead.
Claire
just dropped mom off. i assume she refuses to acknowledge the reality of
her life existence insisting she's going to keep herself happy which is
what god wants for all of us sideswiping the medical issues that this
family is happy to stay in denial of. I just can't find enough words for
her but do know about avoidance in the sense that if she can't handle
the truth of my words she'll avoid it to stay happy. I know my family. I
can't say the same for her.
What...a...day!!! If I died tonight ATLEAST i'd have certain things accomplished. ZZzzzzZzzzzzz
.just signed on to say i had myself a good sob-cry and now feel too sick to stomach to sleep ...hmmmm
going
back to sleep since i only got 2 hrs last night. i don't want to ignore
people in my life like I've been ignored but it comes down to ending my
own suffering if no one else will. based on yesterday my self destruct
was aborted for now. the matriarch here says she's in charge not
realizing she never should have been. if she didn't need any oversight
none of our welfare would have been at the surrogate's court way back.
it was there for a reason. she has a free day today and there is no talk
of handling this matter. i have so lost my life from this matter not
being addressed. it's too foggy to see ahead it's now about 4.5 hr's
later and the only thing that's happened is we got a call from the
person contacted a month ago to retrieve the original plan and they are
still having difficulty finding it from 5 yrs ago. Mom won't simply call
up the either one of the lawyers and request a copy. This is her
homework to do. I know exactly what to do and would do it if put on this
guardianship or some kind of monitoring - lesson learned.
November 20th 2013
Mom
suffers from undiagnosed bad planning. As a result I brought home cold
dinner tonight because was stuck in rush-hour traffic among needing to
make some other stops. Her negative goings on under these conditions
stresses both me and Christine out. I can't even put it all into words.
I'll get back to this. It's overwhelming especially since the long term
ex boyfriend is witness to most of it but has made it a point to dodge
into the nearest hiding place when it comes to me.
I'll
get back to this... Here's an example: when I first got here Christine
had a lot of problems with things I did such as turning the tv up too
loud - she has hypersensitive hearing but whether it's due to brain
injury or blindness in one eye I don't know. Her words were often
extremely negative and hurtful as simulated by mom. Now that she's had
time to deprogram at the nursing home away from mom for a month she's
back to her old self and not complaining about the things I do. All of
this might seem petty but the Big picture got me cut out of her
guardianship with her life signed away to a man who has no part in this
family and an oldest sister whose head is lost in the clouds. For
Christine to state my ex's full name without incident after not
seeing,speaking, or hearing from him in over thirteen years really says a
lot about the level of involvement I am more familiar with than Claire
will ever be...more to come...
finally! one of those
primitive dreams getting into a feeling of primitiveness regarding a
past life but insufficient coz cut short by my creditors faithfully
waking me same time everyday.
November 21st 2013
Christine
just had another flaming temper tantrum. I intuitively sensed and said
to her "Christine you're bored" after trying to reason with her and
getting her to calm down. Her response was "Yes." I said it was going to
be even worse at Claire's and asked her if she'd rather be back at the
nursing home and she said "Yes." I'm sorry but this lying bitch, power
freak immigrant who went into court and made out christine's other
routine was earth shattering to miss...I don't need to repeat myself
right now and as far as my choice of words, they're far better than the
repressed type of an airhead.
Now is the time to fix
this. Fyi, i'm not sure if I even got to say in court that if it were up
to me to care for Christine soley I could picture both of us living in a
brain injury structured environment (not necessarily a nursing home per
se) just as we lived together in a children's hospital. I'm here to get
this situation fixed or die at home. Even though I loathed it I planned
on dying in the desert and then couldn't pass up the chance to die at
home which failed the first time. I don't plan on dying amongst
strangers like my father did at 45.
1 week home and
she's back on a short fuse. this is not fair. If this is the case now I
can only imagine the way things were last time Christine was in a
nursing home but mom totally got away with it because I was not around
as a witness. At that time I was still wasting my breath telling mom to
ask Claire for help since she didn't think 2ce in assuming I would do
it.
mom told Claire before that Christine came home and
said she was going to lie down. she then followed up that statement
with how that rarely happens. that's a lie. that's christine's usual
routine -which i assumed she was getting back into.
why would mom lie like that? a result of shock to hear Christine last night she'd rather not be here?
November 23rd 2013
In 2008-2009 I tried to have Christine and mom watch a new comedy I knew Christine would like called The Big Bang Theory.
During
that time period neither one of them found it particularly interesting.
Tonight I was in the middle of my usual 3 hour blocks of TBBT and
Christine happened to pay attention and found it funny. As I walked away
during commercial to do something I said " I knew you'd like this show
(I just couldn't get you to watch it - paraphrase)." When I came back
she turned her attention to something else and didn't join in laughter
any more. Something tells me I touched upon mom-influenced experience to
disregard me in all aspects . I know how this house works.
November 25th 2013
Mom's
outbursts are sooooo stressful. This morning it was over a noise just
like when I was 8 and she jumped up screaming "what's that?!" when a
napkin holder fell over on the table. Yesterday ... can't remember right
now but it's definitely loose cannon fever with innocent medically
needy children who should not have been left in this atmosphere.
I
remember. It was a wrong newspaper I brought home and the outburst
caused some papers to fly onto the dirty dish in front of Christine.
Mom's reading glasses are not working for her anymore since in the rehab
she received her eyedrops but never told them she needs a timer to keep
the drops in for. This is the medical recklessness me and Christine
were left to be raised by and mom has been reminded she has a limited
time to fix this guardianship. Meanwhile Claire feels like she has a
clue by talking to me as if i'm a child: "this issue is over." Ha! That
was before her first witnessing of a temper tantrum of someone besides
me. Those outbursts I've been left to receive have been one of the
beginnings of fights that this woman went into court and said I keep
fighting with her. She also gives 1/2 stories to people and then from
someplace starts claiming bullying. Go figure.
In
Claire's assinine medical understanding of her 1st family's lives Claire
pointed out to me once how bad Christine has it because "she'll never
enjoy sex." What an assinine view of the total acceptance of her
handicapped sister's life. Not only that but she refuses to acknowledge
my own brain injury symptoms of social inhibition whereby it's worse I
know what it's like to enjoy but can't because of social deficiencies
from brain damage that Claire has been disconnected and uninvolved with.
I.e. I buy my 1.75 L of Vodka the other day and after putting it on the
counter the previous guy customer says to me "great! Where are we
going?" Normal people pick up that social cue as a pick-up line. Not
this brain-injured gal. Imagine living like this for the past 2 decades
since leaving my home environment. A very lonely life. Instead of taking
care of
the very real medical reality all Claire can
do is cite the bible verse of "man is not made to be alone." Atleast in
this familiar environment I was able to sense maybe it's ... speak of
the devil ...
She's here hmmm. Got something out of the garage and left.
Anyway
as I was saying I took a guess and said to the guy "oh no I party
alone. I'm headache free." In hindsight his response was to establish
common ground by saying "me too." That's hindsight. so Claire has the
opportunity to work a more appropriate limited -stress job. I'm not
trying to Claire -bash. It's the medical inappropriateness of all who
have failed this family.
Feeling check besides being bored. http://youtube.com/watch?v=TUDSVJh3fso
November 28th 2013
http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/_/dict.aspx?rd=1&word=harassmentharassment
(either harris-meant or huh-rass-meant) n. the act of systematic and/or
continued unwanted and annoying actions of one partyor a group,
including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including racial
prejudice, personal malice, an attempt to force someone to quit a job or
grant sexual favors, apply illegal pressure to collect a bill, or
merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious.
Such activities may be the basis for a lawsuit if due to discrimination
based on race or sex, a violation on the statutory limitations on
collection agencies, involve revenge by an ex-spouse, or be shown to be a
form of blackmail ("I'll stop bothering you, if you'll go to bed with
me"). The victim may file a petition for a "stay away" (restraining)
order, intended to prevent contact by the offensive party. A systematic
pattern of harassment by an employee
against another worker may subject the employer to a lawsuit for failure to protect the worker.
Another
blowout today when mom started harassing me that we were not going to
go to the long awaited mediation meeting with the get-better plan all
because she didn't feel like taking care of her car situation. Me: "Oh
no you don't. You've dragged this out long enough. I need to make plans
for my life...I've waited on you hand and foot and now you're pulling
this?..."
mom: "then go live your life.." me: "we've
already been over this about structure ..." me previous: "why didn't you
call back about your car when you were supposed to when they were
expecting your call?" Mom: "I didn't feel like it." Me: "i'm calling
right now." Screaming back and fourth while i'm looking up the number.
Phone call reveals the problem could have been taken care of yesterday
had she called back when she was supposed to the day before yesterday
but can't do it today or tomorrow so scheduled a time just in the nic
thereof for the mediator appt the following day. When I get off phone
i'm still fuming but less so and point out to her the harassment that
you DO SOMETHING to solve problems instead of go on and on and on about
the problem.
These situations make my life flash before
my eyes in that i'm a victimized based on being brought up in this
atmosphere of poor planning, lack of problem -solving (remember my dad
was going to teach me how to defend myself when he was alive and mom put
an abrupt end to it even though as a kid she was known for bullying and
beating up boys) while those were SPECIFIC BRAIN INJURY SYMPTOMS THAT
NEEDED ADDRESSING. ok that is the past and not having needs addressed
ruined my future. OK SO
THE LAST ANSWER IS ALLOWING
HOW THIS GUARDIANSHIP PLAYED OUT with christine's life thrown away to
The Way International GARBAGE opposed to family that grew up with her in
the same house.
I also pointed out the
inappropriateness she's guilty of of me being in my 40's and asking me
why I didn't go into teaching like a 20 year younger cousin of mine did.
No peace because she doesn't know what she's doing to say the least and
has kept herself under the radar. Anyway, her harassment to me are all
these threats she makes. She does the same to Christine like 2 months
ago after coming home after mom's vacation Christine was upset with mom
and out came the threat she was going to send her back if she stayed
mad. We all know now christine's happier in a structured environment
where she's not bored.
On the phone before mom told her
inquiring friend that Christine is happy back at shop and I made a
point after off the phone that she can't hide behind that anymore
because the truth is out. I also reminded her she told our mediator "I
just laugh at these people who talk about stress" yet mom stops next to
her lawyer in court when he made a claimed against me stating how much
stress I was causing.
so FB won't let me do a
status update. having an extra numb session. oldest nephew is talking
about going back to schooling for engineering now that he's back from
Afghanistan. in my experience engineers don't pay the littlest bit of
attention to brain injuries and his special needs brother works at
walmart. Claire and her husband went to one of their Way International
friends for Thanksgiving. i guess she knows better than to come here
with my endless reading education about her brain injury. What she's in
denial of her mother burying a child for the 3rd time? Or most likely
TWI has her comforted in the verse where Jesus cast demons out of a man
that needed to go some place so they went into a bunch of nearby pigs
who then all died going over a cliff. Oh so now I'm compared to this
herd of swine? I wonder why she never mentions her friends chrissy and
jimmy anymore. Jimmy was around before we had our accident and resulting
brain injuries.
my bad. forgot the hypocrisy and
denial is fed into even more. youngest nephew is no longer working at
walmart but a teaching assistant for special needs kids. dont you have
to be specially schooled for that? situation fixed or my death. no
worries.
me and christine's interaction is still the
same. the only person not paying attention is mom who went ahead and got
a guardianship without a road map. me and Christine both have an
underdeveloped sense for example when it comes to bodily noises. the
only difference is that i see the social differences between some things
being controlled in public. i'm trying to remember the age where those
things are funny. that's a stage me and Christine share again the only
difference being what stays private and christine's inability to
distinguish the two. i'm waiting to get numb/sleepy enough and just
having another episode of my life flashing before my eyes while this
selectively incompetent immigrant is getting away with this hook line
and sinker.she has falsely stated and believes out of desperation that
her son-in-law does not hold her catholicism against her. If Claire
witnessed 1/2 the things mom can't do anymore she would be here. I will
be living this lie for only so much longer.
restless
bored ... still waiting to fall asleep. mom says she can drive now but
I'm supposed to go tomorrow over car situation. i haven't been on a
quest since i was a teen to find out what was wrong with me just to have
some evil genius in the way International do this. i'll kill him first
if not me first.
November 29th 2013
These endless noises for god's sake. Instead of getting help this woman puts all this stress on her kids.
Last
night I laid myself to sleep and prayed for death so I may have peace.
This morning woke up to this life. Better luck next time. I pledged
allegiance to a disgrace. All our lives a slap in the face. And to the
republic for which it stands. White-collar murder easy when immigrants
don't understand. Indivisible with liberty aloof and justice for all
except those of us sound-proofed. Hello death finally peace at this
time. My undiagnosis made me the joke of a lifetime. How's my once-
intelligent sister been? I'd like to tell her bout hospital life and
fair weather friends. Did I mention fellow patient whose name sounds
like sick alladin? I would have admitted i'm a terrorist waiting to
happen but then I'm accused of a felony. Mom never got over you
stephanie. Over 20 years later with your dolls and trophies still in
tact but my life destroyed by suppression of facts. Claire separated
from us but sees herself as greatly religious. Christine got the worst
used as an excuse becoz mom's needs come first. I'm never going back but
I'll be with you. In your next life I'll be the
unseen force for you. No more of mom's half baked shell. For what I've done I need to escape the forces of hell.
November 30th 2013
Christine
has just made sense of what is going on and found it ludicrous Claire
has the attitude she does. Mom is still saying she's not doing the
surrogate court. Today's goal is to have Christine's wishes known. I'm
not doing it without this loose cannon games or answered to in some
capacity.
i think I'll have an extra numbness
today. can't handle hearing about how all these other lives turned out.
was brought up always compared to other people who have never been in an
accident and always fought with my mother about that. Claire was always
able to distinguish or separate from mom. not this insanely confused
child i've always gone against the tide with Claire on that issue. i
could never see life like her on that issue. that's the difference i
guess between severe brain damage at six years of age and severe
concussion at twelve - it's a different stage of brain development.
cheers! was supposed to go tomorrow to change furnace filter but have to
put it off another day due to insufficient cash flow.
hard to watch celtic woman play the violin.
mom
just commented on the violin player and i said "yeah and i wanted to
play the violin and you never took me for lessons." her response: "well
you can go learn now." that's the response of childhood development
idiot being left a loose cannon in the usa who don't share the mentality
of America but only blend in at all costs (somewhat).
watching
barbara streisand in brooklyn. Mom's reality is so obvious. Won't
someone save me? At this age she's started commenting conversationally
on my weight. I finally told her about one of our neighbors I used to
babysit for who told me she was putting her 8(?) Year old on a diet and
asked her why she never did that with me. Her reply was "well you kids
never really had a problem with that." OMG!!!!! I came home from the
hospital a chubby kid with premature breasts and subtely but strong-felt
made fun of by this woman who is interpreting "leave the past in the
past" as "the past never happened." How about a death spell from someone
who knows what they're doing?
when i came home from
the hospital the fad was The Main Event:
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5szncrypGpU.... her son has the same last
name as a main person who started the downhill unraveling of the
salvaged life i once had.
now i lay me down to sleep
and pray for death to give me peace. i pledged allegiance to a disgrace.
all our lives a slap intbe face. in this land where ... sleep
December 2nd 2013
Today
mom and me acted on the mediator's suggestion where she made calls to
the surrogate's court and I made some medical inquiry calls for
Christine. My calls were very positive towards my knowledge and
involvement. I feel a HUGE relief mom finally took step 1 and it doubly
revealed to me that I would provide a really service to Christine by
being her medical guardian. I knew what questions to ask, what
departments to call, the difference between certain doctors, etc. To
have only Claire involved in this is an absolute disservice to
Christine. If Claire insists it has to be her or me then she should go.
The first suggestion was to ask her workshop what they thought and
although my thinking was "all these people didn't get Christine on
seizure meds all those untreated years...I don't think they're going to
make a difference now" I did ask.
The response was
very positive reinforcing what I've been trying to do all along. I was
even told Christine could have a flexible schedule if the purpose was
the get-better plan - something my mother insisted in a court of law was
not the case.
Now it just takes the surr court fiasco
to be undone. Mom didn't even phrase things right with them which is
going to make me sound the idiot but first things first. I have to
wonder if christopher luongo, dpty surrogate, is even going to call her
back or even look into it. I'm not going to stick around forever to find
out but do know some things will only exist over my dead body. Have to
put off changing the furnace filter another day due to mom needing my
help with her own situation otherwise she'd be paying another
astronomical amount of $ that is NOT reimbursed by no-fault. No worries
if it all falls thru and I wasted myself on her. There's always letting
go of this life.
Claire's rendition via The Way
International : god knew those four people wouldn't believe. same goes
for all the people who died sleeping on an amtrak train that fell into a
bayou due to a miscellaneous time of inattention to the track being
correctly aligned http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story...
my
bad if this is the bayou derailment i'm thinking of. saw interview of
guy responsible for reporting condition of track and he said he didn't
know why he said it was fine when the computer he was reporting from
clearly showed it wasnt
http://www.theguardian.com/.../survive-deadliest-amtrak...
life
is flashing before my eyes. mom has been spoonfed the knowledge that
the school can't solely take care of your needy child. that parents must
be involved in decisions. yet for her to do that to me she needed to
have sent me away to a boarding school. Christine is suffering the same
fate by a woman not competent to provide those needs to the altered
children she never accepted. hiliary is talking about equal rights for
people with disabilities. kudos to her for the stand but the pace of
politics is not going to save this life. i was on the volunteer commitee
to get her into NYS senate and i still went no place becoz of a bunch
of nutjobs in NYS govt and medical care in northern NYS.
in
a few hours i must travel to change my furnace filter and be reminded
of the mountain mess i'm in. facing the cold and cruel reality of how
uninvolved my family is. If I die be comforted about the peace I'll be
in.
December 3rd 2013
Christine had
another temper tantrum tonight which started from a mistake handled much
more low-key and forgiving than how mom handles it - thus something
Christine is not used to. Mom started screaming at her to shut up thus
revealing where Christine gets it from. Later on mom had to answer the
phone while I helped Christine. Mom made it a point to pick up the
extension near me and Christine thinking I was pulling an attitude
toward Christine. Wrong she was. Earlier today I had to go to a doctor's
appt with mom over an obvious problem and I asked questions and got an
answer from the doctor over what the definition was of what he was
saying. Later on mom had to ask me what the doctor said and then said to
her phone conversation "Whatever that means." Obviously I'M not the
incompetent / overwhelmed / in over my head guardian. Christine's
attitude toward me has turned back into the non-negative type thus mom
hasn't been able to drill into her how to be toward me. It was obvious
in front of the mediator when Christine was asked what she wanted. 1st
thing Christine did was look at mom (to know what to say). This
childishness is inappropriate and unfair for what we've had to go thru.
Mom also started harassing me she wasn't going to call the lawyer
tomorrow to ask the same question luongo never called her back about.
Her previous answer to this question was "ok."
December 4, 2013
Feeling
very tired but so alone. Don't want to stay here. Not sure what I
should do. I need so much help i'm in over my head. Help! Mind racing.
Help! If no help there's always the final solution. I'm away from
harassment and insanity but don't have what I need to keep my life
together
i didnt stay and was that a good decision?
well when you're 25 and learn about your impaired decision making due to
serious brain damage sustained in a car accident 19 years earlier your
life becomes a downward spiral especially when you lack family support
in all the needed areas
Alarm never went off. Hour late
leaving. Mom's being an asshole saying she's not calling her lawyer to
ask question. Christine's well being is caught in the crossfire.
mom's
finally been told from a medical stand point she needs to slow down.
when will anyone really know how much self-created stress she really
causes. the mediator has witnessed mom's lack of...that's not quite
it...mom's uninvolvement...that's not quite it...mom's compliance to a
point and then refusal in areas where it doesn't fit or make sense ...i
think that's it.
Claire just called. mom falsely
represents this guardianship as being effective when she's dead. that's
not true. it's effective when she can no longer care for her or dead.me
and inaccurasies don't jive well. nuf said.
after
helping mom yet again with something simple i asked if she called her
lawyer yet or if Luongo called her back. answer to both is no. i must be
auto lagged from too much driving yesterday. i'm restless but tired.
Not good. Claire's not here to see and hear all the struggles and
resulting stress. Mom's struggling with shopping up the stairs but not
asking me for help based on my question to her before. She'll hear it
coming from someone else but not her educated child...longer story.
I
am so god damn sick of this. Just find the fuck out what you need to do
to add me as medical guardian ... it's very clear how I ended up doing a
lot of these unhealthy things she does. So now that she's rested from
that asks me to turn on the light since i'm standing nearby it and will
expect me to get dinner when it arrives. That's how things happen.
Instead of addressing entire issues little bandaids live and die
continuously. The point is without having anyone here to help with all
these things she constantly stresses Christine out oh but not consider
me for important things like being taken seriously for christine's
medical care? BYE
December 6, 2013
Only
reason I got out of bed today was when mom got home and I called the
lawyer on speaker phone in her presence to ask the question mom won't or
is not capable of asking. Mom is really struggling doing things on her
own. Claire has witnessed how loud and screamy we all are. She's now a
hypocrite to keep up her charade about me hiding behind her husband's
orders who has never witnessed in Christine what Claire has. Came up
with example why this needs to be formalized after needing to drive mom
the other day: since I was a child my mother is not a backseat driver
but a backseat nervous breakdown. Mom now drives twenty miles an hour
under the speedlimit highway driving and there have been many situations
that people beep at
her when she's unsure what way to
go (but you can't just hold up traffic like that!). Reassuring her I
drove across country w/o incident doesn't work. (It seems to me the real
problem is an undiagnosed socio-perceptual thing but not necessarily
from brain injury). Anyway say I take care of Christine informally and
an accident happens on the road-not necessarily my fault. In her loose
cannon ways mom can just pull the plug on the whole thing and say she'll
do it and there will be people like a judge and attorneys who will
believe her and she won't do it but keep telling people she will -
similar to what the mediator witnessed.
mom's
doing something the medical professional is telling her she's not ready
for yet. the only reason she is doing so is because she doesn't have
anyone here to do things for her. STRESS
chinese food
leftovers and 80 proof Vodka w cranberry juice. Claire called to know of
mom's new medical condition aloof from how badly she needs physical
help with everyday things. Christine fell the other morning at 5am. I'm
the one who showed them how to make a non-emergency police call since
mom doesn't want ambulance,etc here. as matter of fact i had to call
them non-emergency when mom fell here in 2009. this time mom didn't want
to call at 5am so even though Christine's hip hurt she had to roll up
onto her knees as per directed by mom and i had to pull her up the best i
could on her right side.
her arm was tremoring very
badly. watching "lily rush" work on a homicide investigation 27 years
old in 2003. my case is 35 years old.
just gave an
update to Christine on today's events. mom chimed in that i never made a
new appt to compensate for the medical unacted upon medical plan that's
outdated. the incompetent guardian needs the slap across the face of
her life for the shit she's pulling. really good indication why i have
no patience for loose cannon immigrants who think they can act like they
know how to take care of medically needy children in the usa - take
your kids and get the fuck out already!
walked back out
to get my toast and the harassment began as well as the ruffling of my
feathers. big blowout occurred with Christine having no idea of mom's
broken promises 4 years ago and mom saying again she'll do it now. SHE'S
NOT ABLE TO DO IT ANYMORE ANDin her twisted beliefsays i dont need this
to be formalized. if all else doesn't work i assume this incompetent
guardian doesn't know about water intoxication. I'm not NOT going to
tell Christine what's going on. She has every right to know life outside
the puppet my mother uses her as.
walked out this
morning and Christine said good morning as usual. felt compelled to walk
back out not only for a drink but so mom has clarification. referring
to the calls this week it was not my job to call for an appt for
Christine. it was to find out.....so sick of this incompetence .... she
it was to find out information only. same as her. but she has no problem
letting this go on forever. feathers had no need to be ruffled. it's
just mom acting different in front of Christine because mom used guilt
and authority the whole time to drill into Christine i'm a problem. i
come from the perspective of involving Christine. 4 years ago when the
court appointed attorney was here she asked Christine if she wanted to
get better and Christine looked at mom as to what to say and said "no"
which is completely contradictory to how this house has lived for the
past 35 years. meanwhile in the past week the mediator asked Christine
and Christine did the usual of look at mom to know what to say but this
time mom didn't look at Christine from what i remember and said "yes."
on mon i'm going to call back when the lawyer is there and get more
clarification on things...that's all i can get out at this time about
children whose welfare has been left to this negligence other than
Christine doesn't remember the medical eval doctor from 4 years ago
because she only met him once so i assume the court appointed attorney
sees her periodically because supposedly Christine remembers her. mom's
out doing things she's not supposed to instead of adding me as a medical
guardian.
December 7th 2013
Bush and laura are on Leno tonight.
December 8th 2013
Another Big blowout without Christine in the room (thank god). It's all about going to the mediator tomorrow
which mom started out saying she was not going to do. Now it's come
down to she's going to go to the mediator tomorrow and tell them off.
Good!!!!(?) Is she going or do I have to drag myself to follow where she
goes before the mediator appt? Laying in bed all these days has put me
over the top. It's not healthy. And from the way mom is acting I wasted
my time in her seeing that without me she would have floundered. I made
the same mistake being away for so long thinking she would actually get
it. WRONG. This is the danger I was never saved for in having a
low-iq(?), uneducated actress take care of my life post injury under the
radar screen. I let her know that 13 years ago she got by just fine
after her 1st knee replacement because at that time her hands had not
gone bad and it was before the time her eyesight went bad. Her response was to hold up her hands indicating there's not a problem - momentary denial.
mom's
really laying on the sweetness now with christine. that wasn't the case
before i started spending the day in bed leaving mom to her own
devices. Christine was sitting at the table laughing to herself as i sat
resuming our game from yesterday. she was recalling the time yesterday
as we were both working on it and bodily noises became an issue. again i
dont know the age where those things are funny but someone needs to
save this situation before lies overcome truths. the year is 2013 and
this girl turned woman never had a neuropsych for god's sake which is
specific brain injury testing. i haven't spent the day in bed so we'll
see how this goes.
she uses this as a weapon against me
but not Claire probably because Claire is not as familiar with this
household. i came really close to pulling the plug on me today. that's
what happens when family gets under your skin i guess and now i see
that's an open way Christine will be around me but not mom. if Claire
never saw a temper tantrum from Christine then she sure as hell doesn't
interact with Christine in this way. have to wonder how devastating it
would be for Christine to come face to face with my death. Claire and
her stranger husband have no business dividing this family. my nephews
aren't strangers but their father is.
tonight i
corrected mom's lie that Christine fell while doing dishes when she was
finally put on seizure meds. today she said i was right about that
however i think it was in court when she said i was wrong that Christine
was on the landing waiting for the bus. i wouldn't be surprised if mom
suffers multiple personalities however that will not stop me from
pulling the plug. all irish are known for guiness,smoking, and not
holding back from telling someone to fuck off when needed. all 3 are
completely abscent in her life. was she raped or molested by a man who
smelled of drink or smoke? her sister was sent across the country to a
catholic hospital for polio and i assume that's why she fought so long
to keep Christine out of anything like that of it's kind. i'm a victim
of an undiagnosis? it's a diagnosis in America but not necessarily
ireland - especially pre 1990's.
I'm restless. need a
life. need to be rescued. Wish this had been around 13 years ago as I
was talking to myself saying "help me." My india friend was around
telling me to get out of where I was and get a job at his company and
that I was ruining my life. My mother was telling me the same thing but
my argument to her was that she already ruined my life. I had NO IDEA at
the time the surrogate's court could help us. In this case it will kill
me. No joke. Was just watching ghost stories of fort jefferson and it
seems the would there counted the days in 1862. They were never supposed
to die there but someone just left them there to die. That's the whole
scenario with me and northern ny. I know a woman whose european mother
came to northern ny and got married to what turned out to be a sour man.
Although her daughter was raised there she took the same stance that
she wasn't going to die there. The only place I wouldn't have minded
dying there was in the arms
of my one and only.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/m/pubmed/15941371/
oh what a ruined christmas it's going to be if airhead and robodick
come here. I will not back down. Don't come here if I'm still here. I
will drive you out of the house like I did the last day.
I'm
not exiting this life without the truth being drilled into you. I will
not go down in silence with this brainwashed religious sect cruelty.
that's only one of many information links to be read continuously.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/.../Coma-man-wakes-19-years.html
http://carlsbad.patch.com/.../car-crash-changes-6-year...
December 11th 2013
Feeling check. F*CKING BORED AND RESTLESS WHICH IS RECIPE FOR F*CKING DISASTER
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SIaFtAKnqBU&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DSIaFtAKnqBU
getting numb soon. someone better step in soon to reverse this family and court discrimination against my brain injury.
told mom today not to have christmas here. i will ruin it if still here.
December 14th 2013
Must
be stress that woke me up after 3.5 hrs. Slept 6 full hrs last night.
Mediator is not as helpful as needed. Basically only gets mom's ass in
gear to DO things. It's the same things I've been telling and
illustrating but she renders her children useless. Vodka. That double
standard of ignoring but expecting the best is the recipe of a crashed
Well being that I'm executing my bucket list because I will not survive
without a job (only now having to stick to a "price acceptance range")
and will die in protest instead of go on welfare or bankruptcy, here is
an honest and open email sent to the provider fair merry-go-round. life
under the comatose / brain injury/ incredibly reckless circumstance.
December 15th 2013
such a fitting song for one way this life fell apart as per when i was 17 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzrxsRM2m2w
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYLzmhLKPiQ
conversation with mom as I was engaged in activity with Christine on Saturday:
Mom:
you better get that cough checked out (which arose while I was living
in a truck stop so whatever the problem, it arises from carbon
particulates - I was never in any way a lot lizard however in a year and
a half there had been approached 2ce and the second time at least my
naivety was prepared but the first time I was confused declining the man
but then got sick to my stomach once I realized what he was proposing,
and took off from the truck stop feeling like I'd never return. (me not
being a lot lizard is kind of being used against me in this whole
situation of some half-thinkers saying that mom must have done something
right because I'm not THAT BAD. riiiiiiggghht).
me: I'm waiting to die. I'm not going to get checked out.
Mom: phew (that "I don't take you seriously and stop talking shit" noise I know so well).
Me: What? you need to take care of this or I'll take care of myself.
Mom:
(among the comebacks by mom she repeats her latest fad that I'm
responsible because I'm an adult. I don't remember the whole dialogue
but it was whatever she's
listening to from someone who doesn't know the situation that it's up to me).
Me: I was 17 and you were in charge. Fix it. Even before I was 17 you were in charge...it's up to you.
mom
says nothing but goes on doing what she's doing. That's the usual. so
whatever is going on with mom she starts things but doesn't finish them -
exactly what my life has been like at different times. The legal things
the mediator got the ball rolling with mom started reading over and
said she'd get back to the next day so when I asked her she said she
needs to do it in the morning so the next morning it was put off again
because she was able to get her hair appointment late morning. That was 3
days ago and the papers are still sitting here untouched. This is the
importance mom places on things (I would say "for me" but she doesn't
jump at the chance of getting Christine better so it's not just me).
This morning I walk out forgetting what led to the downfall of this life:
Mom: I'm worried this plow guy isn't going to come back.
Me: You have his number to call him?
Mom: Yes but I have to wait.
Me: well if he's not here by a certain time call him.
I go about my business and turn on the tv. Mom calls out asking if it's news on.
Me: Well it's weather.
Mom comes in and sits to watch the tv.
Mom: I'm worried this guy isn't going to come back.
Me: didn't we just go over this? (my tone of voice gets extremely annoyed and tense as my life flashes before my eyes that
no
one kept tabs on this loose cannon raising medically needy children).
That's how my life fell apart...instead of being able to strategize of
getting through life this is what I was raised in and what I went out
into the world and did ... basking in worry.
Mom: there's lots of people like that.
Me:
(I feel the raw nerve get pulled) Not everyone has a child that lived
in a hospital for 8 months with the diagnosis of severe brain
damage...(words continued until I stepped out of room).
This
started yesterday of what sounded like a joke she made. Why? Growing up
here it wouldn't have started as a joke. She just changed her tone of
voice about it because I'm an adult now(?). There's a question mark with
that because she didn't start acting non-motherly to me until I
contested the guardianship as I was approaching the age of 40.Something
is not authentic and I know there's people out there who see right
through it - they just never saved my life while at it.
Mom
goes about the rest of her morning routine. That's been life that
unraveled the falling apart of this life - the basking in worry is just a
check on keeping track of things (I guess?). Had I not come from a
special needs life perhaps I would be able to handle this very
differently. Instead, as with any hospital-traumatized child (to say the
least), there was a heavy dependence on the environment I was released
to. I'm not even sure if I put this all into words. It's unbelievable
how I made it.
OK so that's the past - I will not have
it happen (in the end) that some robodick in The Way International,
married to my other undiagnosed brain injured sister, are the sole ones
written into the life of my hospital-mate sister while never having a
significant level of involvement . It's only a matter of time.
The
suggestions my mother is taking from the mediator are being acted on at
a snail's pace (which is a bad thing). The mediator is allowing mom to
not be truthful based on mom's "pride." That "pride" caused complete
confusion to a needy child needing set directions and guidance (not sure
if that sums it up). I was not the only child raised under these
stressful conditions. One received a court order not allowed back here.
One did their best to live up to inappropriate expectations. And one
can't speak for themselves but is intuitively understood by the the
child left here.
So the plow guy came a few hours after
the above and it happened to change the mood of the day. When he came
to the door I asked him his last name since he grew up in the same town I
did. I never heard it before and we never crossed paths but he knows
people who knew us and my mother is familiar with some of the people. At
one point he pointed out someone he knows stating "yeah the bad
accident" with that small town tone of voice indicating everyone knows. I
grew up with that. (I can hear Alanis lyrics right now "...I dont want
to be adored for what I merely represent to you..." "...see this
pedastal is high and I'm afraid of heights..." "...that I would be great
if I was no longer queen..."). So I immediately said we all were in a
really bad accident long ago. His response sounded like he didn't know.
He was five years old when we had it but everyone knew. He may have
forgotten but I'm sure once he asks he'll be like "oh yeah them." turns
out also that someone he knows who is of significance is the reason
Michelle Obama was here a few years ago.
December 16th 2013
All
of a sudden I have a feeling mom is swimming in unreality that i'm ok
and not going to die if this is not taken care of. Those are the self
comforting unrealities she falls into. I should know. Been there. Done
those learned things for long enuf.
December 17th 2013
sending
vibes out to the universe for overdue justice. dont want anything else.
listening to my youtube playlist of nice songs i grew up with from Air
Supply to anne murray to fleetwood mac to neil diamond to barry manilow
etc.
Would love to know how this happened. About the
same time I sent these vibes out mom took a step on the operated knee to
a surprise. Now needs to have an xray done. Since I was denied
guardianship in 2009 mom has lost some vision, needs a hearing aid, and
has lost a lot of the use of her hands, and has full care of Christine.
Is anyone ready to save this family yet? I need to shut up for now.
She
won't call about the hearing aid so I did. Then things hit the fan and
I've made it very clear to Christine she needs to speak up about her
desire to get better which mom had her lie to her court appointed
attorney about. No guarantees Christine can do that. "...a way to get my
hands untied ..." Alanis Morissette
It's like the
drama queen thrives on drama. On the phone telling her sister (?) about
the knee event and comparing herself to other people operated on that go
down stairs LEAVING OUT THE PART THAT SHE DOESN'T FOLLOW THE PHYSICAL
THERAPIST'S INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO USE THE STAIRS. Now she's using the
35 year old trick about getting rid of the house (with the excuse being
the stairs).
Drinking my sorrows back to sleep even
though slept thru the night. Some days are harder than others. I guess I
live in unrealities like mom does in holding on for someone to actually
save me.
December 18th 2013
sending out
again. The simultaneous action yesterday must have been the universe
saying I'm heard. Nothing is wrong with mom as revealed by the xray. i
just dont know if that means justice will be had in some form or another
(like the decision by the moron-hall-of-fame judge at the surrogate's
court gets overturned or something else if at all). sending vibes out to
the universe for overdue justice. dont want anything else. listening to
my youtube playlist of nice songs i grew up with from Air Supply to
anne murray to fleetwood mac to neil diamond to barry manilow etc.
help us! Replied on December 19th 2013
December 21st 2013
According
to my sis Claire God knew she wouldn't believe and so was allowed to
die as per The Way International, beliefs which Christine is subjected
to at this time as per Judge Deanne M. Wilson.
http://touch.latimes.com/#section/-1/article/p2p-78642726/
http://www.theway.org/index.php?page=home&lang=en
tell me about it. i studied with my sister for years keeping an open
mind that maybe she's right until she pulled a doozy on her family
member being evicted from a nursing home. previous to and for all i
know, during and after, readily had people living with her under less
emergency situations. In response to someone saying to me they didn't
understand.
Sending us out to the universe again. How
it all unfolds is all recorded. Today it all unfolded and it's all
recorded. With all the denials that come out of this woman I told her to
call up Colleen Kober who's been around since before our accident and
ask her how life has been with me ALL these years. Cops stick together
and Colleen is no different however she did receive a call from a
superior, a lieutenant, and probably is clueless about NYS politics. Mom
just came out and asked if i'm feeding everyone "my shit and my lies."
Doesn't matter. I have the evidence I need (not perfectly as in from the
beginning because this is how things happen from normal conversations
to chaos. Today started with her talking to us about catering for
christmas and I asked "here?" And she said "Yes" and I shook my head and
went back to working with Christine and said something to the effect of
"I keep telling you what's going to happen." The mediator didn't know
mom lied to me and withheld information from me as a teen which could
have prepared my future.
At a certain point mom came
over pulling my hair like she used to do to me discipling me when I was
being bad as a child which when I asked her about it once said she
couldn't remember. I'm pretty sure christine's slaps to my hands can be
heard. We learned in this house how to be physical. The only difference
now is that mom can only tug at my hair because of her hand pain.
Christine's
slaps to my hands has the brain injury element to it same as when I was
a child which is to exaggerate the learned ways, aka repeating the
action over and over above and beyond. I was raising a puppy that my
father said yes to before he died while my mother said no. In discipling
the puppy I went off twilight zone "memories" of how Claire disciplined
her puppy before we had the accident. What a train wreck.
The tv ad told me to call so I did http://www.sokolovelaw.com/.../cat.../traumatic-brain-injury
youtube.com/watch?v=HLHvb9V8Yzs...
Txt
msg sent to Claire which will probably go unread as she keeps herself
away from technology "if u refuse to discuss this family coming full
circle u can expect the same scene here on christmas as last u were
here. I WILL NOT have the setup with Christine u have created."
Mom
came home with shopping which indicated my brother-in-law is coming
here. That's what started this conversation today. He's a shrimp fan
more so than Claire.
Not doing well today.
Of
COURSE! What else is new? "Ty for contacting our office regarding a
potential TBI claim...we cannot assist you...if you fail to file within
the statute of limitations ... you may be forever prohibited from doing
so..." www.sokolovelaw.com
Replied on December 28th 2013
December 22nd 2013
So
mom just did what I incorporporated. W/o letting me know (pride) she
canceled Christmas here and made a reservation leaving it open to be
cancelled. Claire had called introducing herself as usual which makes
little sense especially to a sole guardian supposedly with "a bond"
...no sense... and silently dealt with the frustration of mom's
indecision.
Christmas Day just might be an appropriate
time for me. This is dragging out with no proof anything is going to
change. I'm moot territory for this immigrant without a clue. Life would
have turned out differently had I realized her inability to provide
earlier. Claire talks to her like she's an idiot just like the mediator
meeting her now had no clue she lied to and withheld information from me
as a teen which otherwise could have changed the course of my history.
The mediator has experience in dealing with such matters long ago. If
you could only hear the things I hear and see the things I see. Me and
Christine should have been raised in Ireland starting almost 30 years
ago.
youtube.com/watch?v=xFYQQPAOz7Y
December 23rd 2013
I
just lost everything I typed because of a f*cking collector calling and
closed out my browser. Let's try this again. I didn't have social media
before I was 18 to report what was going on nor did I have a social
worker or court order for protection. Is it making a difference? Woke up
this morning to "well I guess I'll have to go down" and after Christine
leaves I go out and say "why did you have to go down?" As mom struggles
back up the stairs says "I always go down...look we've been here alone
for a long time just fine." "Mom Christine (doesn't think twice) asks
for things not realizing the things you can't do anymore. I did the same
thing but it's being used against me." "Just leave and stop this
abuse." "No i'm going to stay here and remind you. It's Christine you're
abusing by not carrying out her wishes to get better." Silence and
walking on as I feel a raw nerve struck and have to consciencely
restrain myself from taking physical action (flashback of seeing Claire
long ago physically jumped onto my mother's back as she walked away and
mom's glasses flew off her face - this was before the court order when I
think Claire was dating a guy named AD).
just tried
again to reason with mom. there's no reasoning to someone who doesn't
know. in the past i would ask her about what if i died and her only
response was to make a joke of burying me in the backyard. NO SERIOUS
PLANS. i said to her that when she started this guardianship the lawyer
must have asked questions about other children and what did she do?
misrepresent reality again? can't emphasize enuf that this woman
witnessed all she needed all these years....not even worth.
Had
a vivid dream this morning that I was throwing some food down for wild
animals and more than usual came around to eat and then I saw a skunk
running in my direction and for some reason said it was going to run
after me. I was surprised that I was right and followed something else
(a young boy?) that was running from it. I looked down at the food in my
hands and it was chocolate covered. The thing I followed ran up some
wooded steps into the next yard and I noted i'm not able-bodied enough
to do that anymore so in the dream I skipped over how I got up into the
next yard. there was another skunk standing across from a young boy who
was unconcerned the skunk was watching him and preoccupied doing
something else - kind of like
at a place like
yellowstone park where I've seen pics of deer just lazing about while
humans mill about around them instead of being spoofed and hiding in the
woods.
December 24th 2013
Three
times today Christine almost fell - 2ce due to her paralyzed side and
once that couldn't be deciphered in her temper tantrum. In working with
Christine I can tell she has a problem with depth perception or
something with her eyes. Mom doesn't have her wear her eyeglasses
anymore. All I want for christmas is this situation to be full circle
resolved but airhead is pretty bondaged by robodick. More pertinant
(sp?) details When i'm sober.
December 25th 2013
So
mom and Christine are gone to have a christmas dinner with Claire. I
came across a document from 1-28-11 where I asked the court to
reconsider the decision against me from 2009. No reply.
So
I ran down to make sure there was no ice for Christine when I saw a car
pull in the driveway. I open the garage door and my youngest (special
needs) nephew is walking toward me. I hear robodick say hello to me (as
if!) and embrace the hug my nephew is holding out to me. I ask if
they're coming inside. I walk inside leaving the door open for all to
come inside. I go upstairs and press record. I catch up on missed time
with my nephew. Asked him if he ever seen Forrest Gump as I turn the
volume up on the tv and he said He's seen it about a million times. When
his father steps in the room I ask if we're going to discuss this now.
His response is "i'm not going to fight with you now." And some kind of
snide sarcasm as he turns aside. I'm not sure how a question gets
interpreted as a fight. Apparently my nephew has no idea I was comatose
for a
month and lived in a hospital for 8 months with Christine. My nephew gave me 2 hugs before he left. It's all
recorded.*feeling
closer to death and no one is doing anything to fix this.* I don't
think my nephew is equipped with enuf info of what's behind the reason
why he'd be helping to clean me up off these floors. After they left I
asked mom what the resolution was for this situation and she's as in the
dark as my nephew. Alcohol. Forrest Gump. I met a guy once at the truck
stop that I couldn't stop calling Lieutenant "Dane" Looked JUST like
him even though Gary Sinise had long moved on to csi shows.
Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good.
This
woman told the court 4 years ago she would take Christine for treatment
and because she was never held to it, never did. When I confronted her
tonight she was still vague. Someone needs to reach out to Christopher
john (CJ) Mould (hopactcong nj) and tell him the entire truth. Thomas
James (TJ) Mould is living in an apartment off base in Washington, DC
(air force - nonflight) with another guy. It's possible they've both
been told deception about me since I've been out of their lives. I had
as much interest in being involved in their lives as Claire was in mine.
When I was being evicted from a nursing home I have no idea if it was
tj or christopher who picked up the phone and told me to stop calling
there.
Robodick left the seat up in a house of all
females. That's what Claire has turned her life to tolerate. The
obedient female. Can't be saying what I be dreaming of or else I go to
prison.
Blitzed beyond the usual.
I
couldn't have said it better myself! : " Sheldon: December 25, 1642,
Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was
actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a
traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit
fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than
12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake." Sheldon
Cooper - Big Bang Theory
More hypocrisy via Claire as
per The Way International who in my many hours of studying with her made
it crystal clear paganism is like the root of the problem but then goes
and participates in things like Christmas and halloween, etc.
Although
I'm not one but have studied with them and they're very much like The
Way International, I have much more respect for Jehovah's Witnesses who
find fault in paganism AND do not participate in what they preach
against.
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