Thursday, May 7, 2015

I apologize beforehand if any language you encounter in my blog is offensive. I didn't take the time to alter or withhold any feelings I may have had at the time - a stay-true brain injury symptom meaning I stayed true to what is natural for me post-injury. After one's injury one learns to curb a lot. Thought provoked emotions can lead to impulsive responses and although I get along ok enough in society this is MY blog with MY truth and I'm not holding back in order to be accepted. This comes from horrible experiences growing up post-injury.

Hello. I'm the youngest of 4 children involved in a Motor Vehicle Accident in 1978. This was before modern brain injury knowledge as we know it and (to my knowledge) modern vehicle accident reconstruction.

The truck driver was sued for speeding and driving his tractor trailor filled with gravel over the weight limit. The truck driver got off. Of all the justice that never happened for these four children (one fatality, two with catastrophic injuries, and one with minimal injuries), the surrogate's court of Morris County, NJ witnessed and then failed to protect the leftover medical lives of the surviving (now adult) children.

I apologize beforehand if any language you encounter in my blog is offensive. I didn't take the time to alter or withhold any feelings I may have had at the time.

"In 1974, the Legislature passed N.J.S.A. 9:6-8.21. That section defines an "abused or neglected child" as a child less than 18 years of age whose parent or guardian ... (4) or a child whose physical, mental, or emotional condition has been impaired or is in imminent danger of becoming impaired as a result of the failure of his parent or guardian, as herein defined, to exercise a minimum degree of care ... (b) in providing the child with proper supervision or guardianship, by unreasonably inflicting or allowing to be inflicted harm, or substantial risk thereof, including the infliction of excessive corporal punishment; or by any other acts of a similarly serious nature requiring the aid of the court ..." 

This is transferred from a google plus post that is getting too long to do mobile and was started in the 2 months ago range so that would be March of 2015 it was started. So all these years later mom is talking to airhead who does taxes and tells airhead she only knows you have to report your taxes every year. Knows nothing about whether you "owe" or not and the air vortex only spins faster because airhead is talking to a woman who raised a life waiting to die. This doesn't
even address other things that happened around here this day laying in bed exhausted. Cutting carbs doesn't help. ... it's emotional exhaustion but in either case tradition is continuing same time of night mom and aunt Maureen talk (about anything else but the possibility mom's kids have handicaps other than the obvious Christine). ... dream: one of the good looking male attorneys (whose name I am withholding) fell at my house in potsdam and died (or he died some other way - I couldn't remember because he died in a dream) but being that I don't stick around potsdam long I had to stow his body in a bathtub. Some weeks later a female nurse from google plus was at my house who was the likes of a social security attorney and I was relieved but hesitant to tell her about the dead body because all suspicion was going to be on me that I didn't report it right away. As I was talking to her about it her demeanor changed from friendly to concerned as she was glancing over my shoulder at the dead body. The body didn't have a dead body odor to it and I dragged the dead body someplace. End of dream? I don't remember. ... realized that if Claire wasn't so wrong her children would have steady girlfriends or married by now but Claire doesn't have the wisdom I do. I'm totally ok if my nephews are gay. They grew up with a physically and emotionally abusive father. Their mother is sarcastic and emotionally unavailable like their maternal grandmother. Of course they have problems. 5(?) days later: mom: how am I going to do all this tomorrow?! I need help (about taking christine to her handicapped activity special day tomorrow)!! Me: you should have thought about that before you lied about me at the Morris County Surrogate's Court. It makes a difference now doesn't it? ... unbelievable I'm being kept awake. Unbelievable this incompetent bitch I never said was incompetent is going to stress christine out in a few hours. Doesn't even involve Claire in these things yet has given sole guardianship of christine to her. Rot in hell bitch for all the lies you told about me after putting me through the life I've gone through. ... same old. I get woken up in a desperate question to know if I'm going to go and I say no. She pulls her usual of "why not?" She's in over her head this time coz she has to carry things she can't carry and doesn't have any help where she's going. Still doesn't ask Claire, etc. .. and the stress has begun. Their ride is supposed to be here by now and mom's still getting dressed and snaps at christine who was only calling to her (as if christine doesn't go through this with her everyday). We're just a pain in the ass for mom to take care of. She does her usual stress routine towards christine of they might be wasting a trip (coz mom doesn't have the help to do this for christine). What a stupid woman for lying in court. What a stupid court for being so careless. And this is the danger of DDD not helping just coz I drove across the country. Their ride is here. Lets see how this goes. So mom carried down part and now came back for the other part. Driver is helping christine as christine directs him on what to do. So the whole thing of what she needs to carry is in the car. ALL THIS STRESS BECAUSE SHE'S ENTERING THE UNKNOWN. I did that out in the world as a learned behavior and paid dearly. Just watch. When they come back all of the stress she caused will be water under the bridge for her while the ones she stressed out will be hanging on for dear life. Nice going Morris County. Nice going. Dream: long dream in wide open spaces of SU campus that me and a group of other people were walking to go to a function. With us was a casual jean dressed, scrawny, male twerp who was annoying especially with what he said to me about brain injury and I lost it at him. I was not as good as the others at ignoring him especially since he struck a nerve with a personal issue. With all the walking we were doing I realized I was further away from my handicapped - parked car than I wanted and needed to figure out a short cut from where I was to get back to my car. End of dream. Common dream themes seem to be SU and Meatloaf. SU is on land the Onondaga Nation can take back at any given time in theory at least according to some legal research I've done once. A bracelet I wear I received on the nation school grounds from a native visiting from Colorado area (Navajo). Meatloaf connection? hmmm ... sure enough they get home around 12:30. Christine calls mom at 3pm to get up. Mom does her usual of putting christine off. Eventually christine goes to bed. Btwn 7 & 7:30 pm mom gets up. Around 8pm on phone w NYC sister and relays the whole adventure as if the craziness beforehand never happened. Last week me and her got into it about how much she stresses christine out COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO HER WAYS ON CHRISTINE and all I can see in my head is steven j. Straub ESQ standing next to my mother relating all the stress I'm causing. There is far reaching damage here. Far reaching. And christine can't speak for herself or even put into words what the problem is. ... 11pm Claire calls and asks mom how all went. Her tone to Claire is a little less roses than it is to aunt Maureen. The conversation indicates mom never came out and asked Claire for help but just complained hoping Claire would offer - nothing out of the norm in the thirty year history of the burden this moron has put on me ruining my life while painting a pretty picture for Claire. I've talked to Claire about this imbalance many times and all she says is 1. Just leave mom to do it her way. 2. She doesn't want to get involved. Meanwhile because dr victor paul Weirwille is a Princeton graduate this is not a vulnerable brainwashed (and brain injured) individual. ... people these things don't just happen. Go live a potsdam freak show for a while and find out ... Listening to irish shit which wouldn't be Irish shit if proper medical care were available and all this stress didn't exist. Take your irish shit and go back to where you belong away from children needing proper medical care and to recuperate in peace. On our way to go eat irish fare. Maybe I'll throw up. Yeah I know I sound horrible. Wish all were around during the horrible years :-/ but anyway I'll stop harping for now. break in the post happened here with instructions to at least one family member to carry through my wishes ... if anyone can do so before I'm gone all the more power to you but at some point the un-oversighted places near the canadian border need constant babysitting for corruption and I am referring to phone lines - specifically Verizon and all it's associates. In november when I post about Pataki I suddenly lose things on my verizon landline AND notifications on my wireless. This was no coincidence or accident. Oh but it gives the state a heyday in declaring there's a paranoid schizophrenic on the loose. Welcome to New York. It's subtly done within the repair "automatic updates" dptmt so who would guess? Can't say I didn't say so. ... so now mom actually talks to, and hands the phone to christine to talk to her "boyfriend" - as time went by mom understands she only has 2 grandkids and 2 children with "something wrong with them" - a complete history here of not knowing how to deal with this whole tragedy and nothing but a slap in the face by family court in the end. Christine's ability to move around is only getting more difficult. Ask her oblivious and half deaf guardian and nothing's wrong - her uneducated interpretation of a rehabilitative doctor who says she's "doing well" MEANING she's a candidate for treatment -tossed in the garbage by Morris County Surrogate's Court. * Smh * oh she's old enough now for the possibility of a "boyfriend" but not updated medical treatment. ... so the Italian mama who has a child w/ something different than a brain injury, has way less money than mom, and denies I have any problems is mom's buddy during mom's last days. This is just too much. ... so airhead makes suggestions to mom and mom just yeses her to death saying she doesn't remember about some things. When Claire was giving me suggestions I'm not sure why she didn't talk to mom because mom informally handled my money (only to have disaster happen). ... WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE FORECLOSURE ON MY HOUSE WASN'T DONE SO IT'S MINE FOR ANOTHER YEAR?!?! FUCK! Let me guess - people not doing their job got me in this mess and the same is trying to prolong my misery? ... so mom had no lunch and needs something to hold her over til dinner. Butters a piece of irish soda bread - one for herself and gives one to christine. Mom's way of keeping christine fattened up so christine doesn't get pregnant (even with christine's profound physical /ambulatory problems - nice going morris county surrogate's court. Earlier mom ate a piece of bread in front of me after we finished shopping and as always doesn't feel obligated to give any to me. Mom taught Chris to go on and on negatively about everything and then mom refuses to get a hearing aid to distinguish whether Chris is calling her for help or just going on as taught by mom. Nice job surrogate's court. I hope all of christine's caseworkers are getting all this. Mom guilt tripped christine into going to a dance tonight when a cooridnator called and mom asked Chris if she wants to go and Chris said "no" and mom reacted with "are you SURE?!" I know how life works around here. Another thing with christine today is that she had a meat sandwich for lunch. Not only is christine disinterested in catholicism mom keeps her in but mom has signed away her life to go to catholic church with some group when she's gone. I had every intention of taking christine to church even though she's not competent to follow the rules of catholicism. Christine got very upset with me the other day when I asked her if she spoke to her voc rehab counselor the other day to the point she started punching me when I was nearby her - a response that started when we were little before I knew she's blind in one eye. I started jabbing her back telling her she shouldn't do to others what she doesn't like. ... christine fell again this morning and mom slept right through it until I called her and she had her usual freak out stressful reaction. Nice going morris county. ... and it only gets worse. The non-conducive hardwood floors mom got only to be "like everybody else" gave me a splinter this morning through my sock. I pulled it out but I'm guessing it does not free me from infection. Had to deal with the never ending stress you hear coming from mom every morning. As my stalker ex has witnessed and said " there's no way I could ever deal with your mother every day. Absolutely no way." 3/20/15 - so I'm supposed to be detoxing for those liver enzymes but the prescription sleep med doesn't even work and I'm so stressed out with this stupid woman (gee I sound harsh). The announcements during the St Patrick's day parade talked about a scotsman who had a real disdain for the irish and I know that exact feeling. Her family over the ocean doesn't go on like the 2 sisters here do. One irish woman was giving a shout out to all of her family and cousins back home and you could feel that sense of family that airhead doesn't feel as taught to her by The Way. Let me reach for that 5 days ago something happened where watching The Food Network marathons came in handy. I could see how both parties are wrong and mom just needs to forget about the restaurant and move on to a different one so she stops making an ass out of herself. She made a reservation and was told there was only one left but she took it even though it was in an area she didn't want. We get there and she makes a stink so the hostess asks 2 people at a 4-seater table to change tables. WHAT?!?! THANK GOD THEY WEREN'T EATING YET! so mom does her usual poor-me "thank you" and we all sit down expecting to be there for a good portion of a lengthy irish celebration. We even eat slower which isn't a problem for me as I can catch up on my thousands of email notifications. A little over an hour into it our waitress says we have to leave in 45 minutes because she has another reservation coming for that table. My mother is surprised because no one told us of the limitation from the start. The hostess tells us that's what happens when we come early while our waitress tells us we would have had to leave even if we kept our original reservation and we couldn't even go to the bar because they're booked. I'm the one who suggested we go in before our scheduled time and just tell them we'll just wait. But once inside mom started asking right away about the original reservation, didn't like what she saw and the dominoes all started to fall. We've gone in and waited before so that's really all I expected this time. Of course mom let the waitress know this ruined her day and gave less of a tip than usual. Mom arrived early like she did last year due to making sure she got adequate parking. They waited in the car last year until their time which is why I gave specific directions on what to do but as always mom doesn't listen to me. She'll listen to Claire or anyone else that lives outside of her house but not me - even when I told her over and over to call a lawyer about her children within the statute of limitations. I couldn't believe exact no-no's from the undercover restaurant-losing-money shows was happening before my eyes. I have told mom over and over they were both wrong and to just forget about them regardless of a history. Will she listen? Life just continues inappropriately while this loose cannon is not controlled in America - her true asshole colors really come out depending on how much you observe. Recently I notice mom relays daily events to Claire without mentioning me anymore whether she's relaying this incident 5 days ago or how we get our Chinese food sometimes. I remember a few times mom mentioned me to her and suddenly Claire had to get off the phone exactly like Claire has done in the past. In other words, for religious reasons or not, Claire needs to be away from this negativity called "of the devil" and not deal with the real world applicability. Mom probably got the hint from me in 2007 when I had to be firm with her to stop telling me about all these lives I knew since childhood (highlighting how my life went no place). There were other things that happened significant these past 5 days I don't remember right now but the evidence should be really clear how much this woman was completely inappropriate in providing adequate care (especially all by herself). A prime opportunity to see this was when Claire was court-ordered out of the house and the second time to nip this in the bud was in front of judge deanne m.wilson. Just had to punch christine in the arm in response to her punching me. I showed christine how easy it is to change the channel so instead of mom doing like always of doing everything robbing us of autonomy I had her move her chair forward and do like I showed her. Her temperment was mounting so I said for her to get up so I could sit and show her and screaming in a tantrum she refused so I said I'm keeping the control and walked away with it. She started crying while mom started in about me getting out. Yet again I tell her to call the police in getting me out (same old shit). Finally christine stands and as I walk beside her to sit she starts punching me. After that fued I sit and am able to see what the problem is and tell mom her laundry basket is in the way. Then when I go to explain to christine about autonomy she starts screaming and I cover her mouth to try to shut her up. I told her if this happened in front of these closed doors she would have been restrained and medicated. Christine is on a short fuse again lately and I'm running out of patience. ... Brilliant. Red flag that again highlights the inappropriateness of this family. Background: last night I got a brain storm that if mom wants to go some place she should arrange an amtrak trip (personally before I die I wanted to go as far north as it will go to Churchill Canada but it sounds like handicapped accommodations don't exist for that far up). So I'm going to be looking into this but tonight I asked where her and aunt Maureen left from on their trip. She described the problem she had without handicapped accommodations and the conductor asked if she set up for handicapped status when booking. Aunt Maureen who's had a lame leg from polio since childhood booked it but "doesn't believe in all this handicapped stuff" so no handicapped arrangements were made. This is the same woman mom leaches advice from throughout the years (or maybe bounces ideas off of?) about life in America post accident. This is the woman influencing mom that there's nothing more to be done for christine regardless of what a highly reputable doctor has stated (meanwhile mom weaves in and out of contradictions). This is a woman expressing her fear to mom about thirty years ago about her eldest son's reclusiveness because it resembles the personality of something akin to a serial killer. * Smh * this is the inappropriateness that raised children who didn't have medical needs so that all this refusal to accept and deal has completely stressed out the former children's hospital patients and left the 3rd child to live life in a state of oblivion and denial under the name The Way International ... THANK YOU!!! AS I BEEN SAYING MOST LIKELY SOMETHING HAS BEEN LOST IN TRANSLATIONS. ... for the record, when we went out to eat this past Saturday 3-21-15, I couldn't even try to log on to facebook and the same happened the week before. Remember I have been locked out of my facebook page since december when Amanda Ames reported me as a fake name. I have since left approximately 200 voicemails with facebook and stopped doing so as of oh 3 weeks ago (?). Now this alps plane crash happened 3 days ago and somewhere in the news I heard facebook is handing over information to the FBI (?) since the crash. Whether there's dots to be connected or not you decide. I'm pointing this out I guess for conspiratists(?) for all the theories out there that will say this was a set up terrorist attack - especially (lost track of thought but will come back if I remember). Now when it comes to 9/11/01 I will say I was awake very (ok previous lost thought: - especially since the blackboxes from the plane are not accessible to the general public and won't be for years). Ok so very late at night on 9/10/01 I cleaned out a whole lot of emails from my account that even back then can add up to the thousands because I'm like the antithesis of "if I don't need it throw it out." I am in fear now I'm going to lose my facebook page altogether. I AM OCCUPIED NEWBIE ON FACEBOOK, I'M ONLY GUILTY OF HAVING TERRORIST ACTS DONE TO ME AND I NEED MY FACEBOOK PAGE BACK YOU BUNCH OF ZUCKERBERG LOSERS!!! I'll write more about Non-related things that happened today in a while. ... so I forget how it started but mom said I had to get someone on my own this year to do my taxes because last year she had to pay out money to the tax guy and the more she stood by that story the more ballistic I went. Here she is back peddling on reality again. When I knew I was getting money back I actually said that it's money that has to go back to the tax guy. Oh I remember how it started: all these years I didn't know money paid on interest could be written off on taxes and the tax guy should have told us. That's what started her that I'm on my own. Her oblivion that my life is flashing before my eyes as an ignored developmentally disabled only made me lose it even more. When I said I have something wrong with my head she started in with a sarcastic joke and I screamed "so does christine!" she finally gave up the fight. This is the type of fighting Claire used in court to exclude me from christine's life while Claire gave her special needs child an appropriate life in America. What a fucking hypocrite. My student loan principal is in the vicinity of $25,000. The interest is in the vicinity of $55,000 all because NYS corruption. During this fight, of the many things said (or screamed), was me saying "I need protection from my guardian (who proudly told Morris County I was going off to college instead of following the county's direction)." As usual christine screamed for me to shut up when I went over the top which only added fuel to my fire "of course christine's upset and doesn't know what's going on here! She has appropriate protections in place and doesn't have to deal with this stuff!" When I pointed out mom's back peddling it included that I told her when I found out what was wrong with me to call a lawyer and she ignored me. She did the same of asking the same questions over and over but this time I'M GLAD SHE ASKED! did I finally drive home the point I had 2 years (statute of limitations) from the time I knew what was wrong to legally do something about it? Even if she finally gets it she's not going to do anything about it. * Smh * I again drove home the point that I was in classes at the time and there was no way I could do it. It was up to her! * Smh * now do you see where the phrase "stupid bitch" falls right out of my mouth? She's the one who drove me to her bank to have the tax return cashed and told me to use the money. Now a year later she back peddles and changes the story. That's the same she, in conjunction with Claire, did with our welfare at the Morris County Surrogate's Court - all lies! ... 3-28-15 not sure why I went through a potsdam freak show all day yesterday which includes suddenly waking this morning as if someone willed me awake. This will happen when it wants to starting approximately 8-25-01. I don't know what it is and it's been torture but I'm sure I'll find out the day I depart this life. ... had bad scary dream but I don't get too many of those; I was living in a small 1 floor house and I can't remember why I was at the front door but 2 males walked away into the darkness. As I turned and rounded the corner I caught a glimpse of a male figure closing the closet door with him bringing his leg back in the closet. Gripped by fear I went to open the closet door but stopped and decided to get him at his own game by pretending I didn't know he was there and go quietly call 911. I think I already know what this dream is about: I'm haunted . ... so I'm not sure how clear I've made it how unhealthy this house has been for me and christine with mom so nonchalantly throwing around the word crazy (which is something that is a NYC thing to do as well as going about your business, in this case acting like you don't care what anyone thinks about you - in other words an immigrant thing). Perhaps because of me she used the word stupid as well. After christine came home and sat down I heard mom's usual unhealthy negativity this time about change (coins) and mom said it was stupid for her shop to do so and christine was getting increasingly upset. She then told mom she put whatever in a cup in her room. Mom's unhealthy response as usual was "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" Christine again increasingly upset. This loose cannon has done a lot of damage and has created monsters as I've said before. Now we just need someone to save us because she's not understanding reality from anyone and neither of us have an effective enough voice. ... 3-31-15 notice any similarities or patterns between the above conspiracy and last night's ABC world news? Told ya. It's been happening for a long time by whoever raped my life. ... just reminded mom of another thing she doesn't keep track of and then turns around and joins the others of saying she did her best while the others have no idea this happened because she doesn't say anything to anyone: after fighting for myself to get to public school and finally getting a diagnosis at 16, at 17 I failed the dmv driving test 2 or 3 times and only passed it at the high school because you could get more wrong and still pass. Keep in mind I had no one to teach me about the road. Oblivious she put us both on the same insurance policy. After my third accident we both got dropped and she set out to never have me on her insurance again. Today I asked what is going on with her insurance and she said she has to find a new one because her agent is no longer dealing with her usual one. I stopped mid-sentence in suggesting mine and took her down memory lane that she got no one to help me compensate for my disability at the time. Just lived on cloud 9 that christine is her only worry. Those problems driving is what made me over practice driving by going on weekly 600 mile trips so I could get good at driving. Someone warned me my NJ agent long ago was a White-collar crook but since I didn't keep track of my money (mom did) I didn't switch agents. Keep in mind all the gas $$ for those trips which mom did go on about but I kept doing to be good at driving. It's all those trips AND living in a truck stop for a year or more that prepared me to be able to drive across the country all by myself yet DDD uses the fact I did against me. Keep ABC world news above in mind. ... keep in mind what I said over a year ago that christine's smoke alarm isn't working and mom wouldn't even give me something to test it. I just took a shower forgetting to turn on the fan and left the door wide open which usually seats off the alarm. It now sounds like she believes me and said she'll have to call someone. What's next with this woman that she is NOT in my sister's best interest? Remember only after I notified the court about the failing stair railings was anything done about them. ... same day. So the tale of the German pilot grows taller. Spoke to someone today who also never believed 9/11 from the start not so much coz it looked like a controlled house of cards falling but more so the angle at which the plane hit and aluminum+fiber glass versus steel+concrete. Saw the last hour of Titanic tonight and remembered back to my ex sobbing when Rose let jack's hand go and his dead body sank into the Atlantic. My one and only's convenient wife looks almost exactly like Rose's mother (only a whole lot more non-scary deficient!). I can't remember how emotional my ex got with Ghost but if he was only in love with the idea of me it doesn't matter anyway. The only movie that I ever sobbed and never want to see again is My Life with Billy Crystal. It hit too close to home. I think BC is from the same area my father is from. I know for sure George Carlin is and it seems someplace he crossed paths with Regis Philbin. ... ... FOR THE RECORD, on this date of 4/1/15, mom called the electrician about the smoke alarm I went on to her about yesterday (and AGAIN over a year later - WE REALLY DESERVE TO LIVE IN THE RUSSIAN ROULETTE PROVIDED BY THIS LOOSE CANNON IN AMERICA??? The electrician did the button push I tried to do over a year ago (that russian roulette power-freak herself stopped me from doing) and said it still beeps but they should be replaced every ten years and ours was over twenty years old. Not a mention of what I tried to do over a year ago - just an exaggeration of me being "frantic" about it yesterday.  Yep. This is the life we've been left to. What's next? Oh and I can hear Claire's response to this. "That's why you don't doubt God" or some reckless shit like that. I'm not ditching "God." There are certain things where that response is inappropriate. Just like when I would lament to Claire about finishing college and all she would say is "I didn't finish college." Meanwhile she raises a special needs child giving him all he needs. Yeah real winner you are Claire. I already told her she's like the man in the boat stranded in the ocean who depends solely on God for saving passing up help from 3 different people who came by and offered him help. When he got to heaven he asked God why God didn't save him and God told him he sent him help 3 different times. * smh * ... well I've been at this for twelve hours now today and the only thing to eat was a can of sardines so I'm out of here soon. Wifi at home so I could get more done would be so nice but I'm sure has technology-versus-human-health impacts. Catching up can be like 2 steps forward and 4 steps back. ... ok abcworldnews. The woman at the end of the German plane segment giving a defense about employing someone with a disability like that. How many people have that same body type and hairstyle? If your not good at patterns now is the time to get good at them. And it depends on where you live in the country for such patterns. So people accused of (?) cyber crimes are going to be under surveillance (?) according to the news. Does that include Mighty Mouse Mcgee who had me arrested for too many emails desperately trying to not have my life fall apart??? Even though he was guilty of a crime and I was too vulnerable to piece it all together??? ... just like a plumber gets paid, so do lawyers you gullible bunch of bunnies falling for insurance tactics. Are there good and bad lawyers? Of course! Just like there are plumbers who keep themselves in business somehow. So last night I found out mom is looking into going to yet another eye doctor (i guess for the hope of getting a better answer over her situation she's already gotten 2 opinions about). I pointed out that that's one of the things I did and that I learned how to live life from her house. We then got into it slightly about Christine's smoke alarm and she started doing all the things to try to say she wasn't wrong until she finally walked off saying she "doesn't have to listen to this sh*t." My response: you wouldn't listen to me over a year ago about it let alone all the other stuff... ... and it's another Sheldon Cooper holiday (what do bunnies and eggs have to do with Jesus rising from the dead anyway? Rabbits are mammals that don't lay eggs nor can carry a basket of eggs anyway). Leaving the house today I was behind mom and before we went our separate roads mom got beeped at the first time because she had to turn the wheel at a green light but has so many problems with her arms these days that she holds up people around her. Then she got beeped at before we separated because she drifted into their lane. Remember the time she had trouble turning the car in the parking lot after we ate and a guy who joined his date outside looked right at me in the back seat and asked "Are you serious?" Don't ask me! Ask the Morris County Surrogate's Court.  Where's Claire in all this? Where's Claire, Christine's only other appointed guardian, to witness these daily things? Oh I believe in conjunction with her husband is citing the bible where it says "man was not made to be alone." Ok but that's not going to take care of Christine's only transportation. I'm not lifting much of a finger while I'm being shit on so what's the answer here? Today I fixed mom's hair because she's not able to and although she would like to put hairspray on she doesn't because she's not able to. Why not ask Claire? ... Wish I had known about this place when I drove through. I'm pretty sure I stayed in North Las Vegas for a night. I was right there. Not sure if this is the first place I found to go die in. Whatever I found it has signs on the road to not drive any further or "you will be shot." Then I realized they know how to not do so fatally ... ... ... ... BRAVO! ... and there you go. Psychobabble that wins out in the courts and the medical system versus the spiritual things going on in the air: I had no idea about this new location but apparently my dreams must have. Remember the dream about the Meatloaf concert at the Dome and the waterfalls, etc that are right in the area where the positions were changed in the dream but in reality is where the library changed to.  lol * smh * ... ... ... stupid is as stupid does ... another reason old jalopies are the way to go ... ... ... ... not sure if this applies to me .... ... ... ... FREAKSHOW ... ... ... 4/11/15 perfect example of the train wreck I've become and in a phase of life I'm not ready to be in. Perfect: I do online marathons. I'll be here for another 4.5 hours. A bunch of high school kids came in and as usual I have my headphones in and music on so I'm oblivious to the world around me. At one point one of these kids next to me was waving to me which caught my eye and I took my earphones off and asked "what?" He was just saying hi and there was an indication I was the subject of one of their conversations because I heard the young girl say "woman" and then there was a silent joke between her and her male friend. So with my headphones out I heard them talking about some picture and I said "of me?" and they said no (which I can remember back to that behavior in high school (I just don't have my own perspective of me relative to where they're coming from). I then nicely said "oh no please" and put my headphones back in. From the side of my eye I then saw the male sitting next to the male that waived at me reaching over my way with his phone in a position indicating he was taking a picture in my direction but I had no reaction to (post-accident) things being said around me that may have required an assertive retort of some kind because I can't process things being said quick like that and especially when it's not made obvious said directly to me or in a clear and concise tone. After the second time he waved his phone over toward me I happened to look up at the girl who said "woman" and she looked right at me (and I looked away whereas someone my age with normal development would know an appropriate response). Brain injury related diarrhea of the mouth and misperception have also sunk my ship and in this case I have no proper stage development or appropriate protection. I guess now I need check google and youtube to see if there's anything about me put on the internet. Yeah what a fucking joke of a life  I've been left to. * smh * ... ... and they're back - not a word. now the crowd is getting bigger. Some are more obnoxious than others. ... ... ... ... ... ... A pill that's hard to swallow from the NJ Law Journal regarding immunity and leaves the lay person (perhaps a lawyer?) questioning justice in America:

"New Jersey’s Civil Rights Act is modeled after 42 U.S.C. Section 1983, the judges noted.
The federal statute provides for absolute immunity for prosecutors “‘out of concern that harassment by unfounded litigation would cause a deflection of the prosecutor’s energies from his public duties, and the possibility that he would shade his decisions instead of exercising the independence of judgment required by his public trust,’” the judges said, quoting the state Supreme Court’s 2004 ruling in Loigman v. Township Committee.
“Even viewing the allegations in their complaints in a light most favorable to plaintiffs, we are satisfied that plaintiffs’ bare allegations are insufficient to properly aver that the actions of the defendants constituted actual fraud, actual malice or willful misconduct such as to abrogate defendants’ statutorily-granted immunity,” the judges said.

Read more:" ... If you or a loved one has no-fault insurance and is injured in a car accident in New Jersey please contact the Personal Injury Lawyers at 1 (800) LUNDYLAW®. ... "Ask Richard S. Busch, the lawyer who last week won a nearly $7.4 million copyright suit against Robin Thicke and Pharrell Williams, why he is so successful, and he will mention the 1997 film “The Devil’s Advocate,” in which Al Pacino plays Satan posing as a master lawyer." ...
8 Facts About Twins
1.  To tell twins apart, look at their belly buttons!
2.  Twins can be conceived by two different fathers
3.  Twins may help mom live longer
4.  The chance of having twins is much higher than it was 30 years ago
5.  Fetuses that share a womb and a birthday aren’t necessarily twins
6.  Twins speak their own language
7.  Some twins are mirror images of each other
8.  Twins bond in the womb ... ... ... ... ... tax day and I'm 2.5 hours late due to it being another Verizon asshole ripping day. One of those one hand doesn't know what the other is doing, and I still have to call them back simply because I had other things to do with my day. ... ... ...!Is-Under age-Sexual-Activity-Criminal/c7a5/5500b4cf0cf27b8ab26bd8a2 ... "The Spirit of expired mother was trying all it could to inform and she succeeded. I know you wont understand it unless you know what SPIRIT means.
“It was at that time we heard a distinct female voice from the car saying, ‘help me, help us,’ and that is when we said, ‘We’re trying to help you. We’re trying our best to get you out,’” said Officer Tyler Beddoes with the Spanish Fork Police Department.

Four officers turned the car over, not an easy task since the vehicle wasn’t economy size. The firefighters climbed onto the top of the car to pry the door open.

What they found after looking into the vehicle was a woman who looked like she died on impact in the driver seat, and a toddler who was unconscious and not breathing, Beddoes said.

The 18-month-old infant was strapped into her child safety seat.

Tomadakis said he saw Lily’s eyes move, got her out as quick as he could and handed her to his coworker, Lee Mecham." ...
funny how NY can make national changes but California just doesn't get it ... ... ... the things mom doesn't get and put stress on me because she wanted me loud and rowdy having fun with other people my age. She'd highlight people she knew who were in fraternities/sororities as if something was wrong with me that I wasn't doing that ... ... ... ... ... ... ... vaccinations ... ... I SO WANT TO GO BUT DON'T WANT TO GO BY MYSELF MAY 8TH 2015 ... "There comes a day in everyone's life when the curtain falls and we say good bye to a chapter called life and there on the drive is smooth and easy. During this drive the destination is unknown yet one feels comfortable for not having to carry the weight of material body. In this lighter form the being is free of cumbersome routines, load of a bio-chemical mechanism governed by the laws of Physical Earth - and a certain light spectrum becomes the track where the being now in spirit can travel. In this travel - there are no pains, gains, values, fears, emotions or even attachments and there is only a fading memory that appears as colorful and fading images of the spent life. During this time frame the being has no religion, no faith, no hatred, no desire, no lust, no greed nor any IDEA of a being he always thought existed and saved him. That being is just a speck of light that gravitates him to come to a realm that is a real realm yet it has no sense of time or space but it is firmer and more practical than any physical planetary ground. In this brief travel there are no secrets, nor any revelatory realizations but a hint of curiosity. In the spiritual realm - there are no Gods nor any religious rules nor any apparent need of following anyone. It is a peaceful, quiet timeless dimension where THE ENTITY can mirror itself and see its past, future and past lives and future lives and realize that all along he was just being a passive actor merely speaking and shrieking words coated of fear and greed that did not provide any meaning nor any comfort. In this neutral and non physical but very colorful transit nothing is temporary nor permanent yet there seems to be no need of any more of anything!" ... dream from 2nd round of sleep: Eminem shot himself by accident and it was all over the oil and gas industry. I was reading over his obituary with such dismay but I was also there for the accidental shooting - he hadn't pulled the trigger all the way when the gun went off with it to his temple. In waking life I just came to learn this about a Chicago band member and I volunteer to lose my life over the oil and gas industry? I pulled a 13 hour day yesterday because I was in a position to. Today I'll probably only pull a 6.5 hour day to save on gas money. It's late in the day now anyway. I did 2 rounds of sleep today. Time to have coffee. ... ... 3 or 4 hours of sleep. We'll see how long I last today. It's not a related event but it's a real bitch after the life of broken glass I've crawled over; doing everything I can to find out what the hell is wrong with me; missing statute of limitations while being left raised by negligence in a country that brags immigrants; and the receiver of corruption at a surrogate's court to have to deal with someone making out that I don't have problems with brain injury in the need for a structured environment. yep. ... ... LOVE THIS! AND CAN ONLY HOPE THIS IS TRUE: ... 2nd large cup of coffee for the day. ... ... so today I wanted to slap the shit out of an insecure teenage overweight redhead who walked out of here saying the racist comment she was wanting to say to my face. She kept looking at me and I kept looking right back at her until eventually she looked away waving at me. She didn't have to do that. All I can think of is the ridicule attitudes around here that helped destroy a handicapped life. Doesn't this redhead know the plastics forming in the ocean waters off Africa are way more important than my comfort at a place where I can save on gas and still look into this information? What about me as an adult child with no protection a handicapped child needs from attitudes like hers? * smh * ... some perspective: ... 4/27/15 - I don't feel like getting out of bed today. I'm tired. Maybe I'll get up later. I recently let something go with someone coz I didn't want to argue on top of being inundated with my own stuff. When someone has a reputation to live up to I had never witnessed such recklessness. They changed their ways after I complained about them in a roundabout way. Why roundabout? I'm not sure. The reckless one really paints a scumbag picture of themselves while the one I complained to felt like a safe haven. Maybe they're just as bad but I have no evidence of that. I think it's an easy thing to let go of being that I don't care how good of a reputation the scumbag has made for themselves; I see right thru them based on the evidence they brought forth by their own doing. Some things are worth arguing if it's still sitting here but I'm trying to move on. The longer this gets the harder this post is to do mobile. To have coffee or not to have coffee? To catch up or not to catch up today? To hang around this scumbag town or to spend gas $? To get up or not to get up? I have nothing in real life to look forward to. Of all the oil and gas horrors in Africa what can I do to stop it? Don't get me wrong. Once my adrenaline is tapped into there's no stopping me but now that I have no $ left to do anything now what? I'm so tired. Tired. ... ... ... hmmm I'm one less person in my circles as opposed to people having me in circles. Did I embarass someone? It's always something I did. Completely unhealthy way of life post-accident. ... ... funny how the word autism cannot be found: ... ... 4/29/15 I'm definitely not the type to get headaches yet went to bed last night with one and woke up with it still here. I'm on my second round of sleep. Have to wonder if not being faithful to an ssri inhibitor (?) contributes. Hmmm I have a brain tumor and sentenced to die destitute and alone. YES! just get this over with! No one wants to live like this. Well I need saving because I can't do it alone anymore. No saving no me. Ho hum. ... not feeling too great today stomach - wise. I think I'll stay in bed today. I wonder about earthquakes from a spiritual point of view. Have to get back to that another time. So why I thought brain tumor is I sleep each night with the smartphone next to my head. ... dream: I was sitting in my car in my driveway at my house with the car backed in. I was waiting for something that had to do with moving or waiting for someone. I noticed a funnel in the distance to the west from ground to sky and thought it looks like a tornado. As it got closer I realized it was a tornado and clearly saw a lightening bolt on the edge and to the left of the dark funnel. I thought I better be prepared to drive away fast from this if it's danger. The dark funnel clouds were then over me but I had to step out of my car and look up. There was no rain like there always is with tornadoes. End of dream. I think it means I'm totally stressed. In waking life I still have some slight pain on the right side of my head. ... actually the lightening was on the left of me but on the right of the tornado. Headache is obvious when I stand from bending. Drinking ice water to see if that helps. Have to wonder if this comes from the injuries I received from officers Wentworth and Daniels. I had pain that radiated from my arms to my neck into my head sometimes from the times I used crutches and then the two of them pulled them into oblivion. Daniels would have had fat hands but I can't remember those details. Aside from my life being raped by emergency room personnel it's possible I get this pain when spending too many hours at a computer but why now? There are many days I'm at the computer. I also have to wonder if that dream had elements of haunting relative to a potsdam freak show. ... I still have this Headache or maybe neck aches reaching into the head. Screw it I'm going to start round 1. I just can't stand the cluelessness in charge of this life. Mom comes home from a day with her sister at the casino doing the usual of how hard life is getting up the stairs and all her pain and me and christine are the sole sounding boards of this stress. When I tell mom I have a mysterious Headache she says maybe it's from the computer. I correct her that it would be from the computer AFTER the police injuries. She doesn't say a word, completely ALOOF. I have no fucking protection, no fucking anything. Nothing but fucking corruption at a surrogate's court, surrounded by clueless. Cheers. ... next day - so today with a heavy heart I had to explain to my sole guardian how no-fault insurance works emphasizing that's why there are doctor's and medical people out there who don't want to treat us.  Some stupid fucking life I signed up for??? ... talk bout signing up ... ... pineal gland? ... ... ... ... 5/2/15 out to eat on mom's dime as usual. Other than that in bed all day coz no money. Mom shouldn't have lied and I shouldn't have been left all alone to be raised by her. Lemon water with no ice (extra lemon - right away thinking back to the diner that time to a short man with blue eyes that I couldn't talk to and ask who he was) baby spinach salad with salmon and my D3, liver detox, and weight loss supplements. I smile at the memory of that man. Either I've been found out long ago, someone's going to save me, or I suffer those same precious illusions. ... "A power of attorney must be "duly signed and acknowledged in the manner set forth in" N.J.S.A. 46:14-2.1. The referenced statute requires the principal to appear before a notary or attorney at law and acknowledge that he signed the power as his own act." John W. Callinan Elder Law Attorney shared a post. ... ... ... my god I used to get SO hung up on that out of 9 planets WHY is life only on earth?? I want the answer! What's the purpose of the other 8?? Maybe had I gotten appropriate academic help sooner I wouldn't have written myself off as stupid but then again if you're too smart for slow classes you fall right between the cracks; been there done that ... ... we have a problem people and additionally we should look into what Energy Company deregulation really means: ... welcome to a child's world of no-fault. For the rest of their lives they're a fee schedule, etc. ... ... next day stress that ruined a life: I wake up far too early so I get up to do the shopping. I'm going over a list with mom but she's going too fast. Put that in the everyday life of an injured child - I can't even convey. Then she goes on and on about something she can't find and once she finds it then goes on and on about what she doesn't know about it. Growing up with all this commotion we would have screaming matches and then in the end it was nothing but shit at the morris county surrogate's court. In other words mom's undiagnosed racing mind was a free ticket to destroy lives. Racing thoughts is a brain injury symptom. ... lucky I got through shopping. Feel really sick. Is it too much alcohol? Is it not enuf sleep? Is it not eating right? I have to rethink those salads I was having coz they started making my hair greasy. Apple Cider Vinegar takes care of that problem so the opposite indicates the salads are not taken care of properly. Maybe part of the problem is the changing seasons. It's always a mind-trip when suddenly it feels like summer. Not sure if that's just me or everyone feels like that. What a day. same day: (5/4/15 this incompetent has given up connecting the dots jokes on Letterman are about her own child perhaps because it's too surreal but because her sister said it's worth watching she tries to stay up and watch. I couldn't add this at the end because. this is harder to do mobile and this incompetent missed it anyway).  Next day: So this morning yet another life-flash and what was done all wrong in the welfare of medically needy children. Yesterday with the hot weather mom put on the central air. She wanted me to verify she put it to the right setting which I did and then I told her to hit the down arrow to bring the temperature down. She said no and that it's set when the worker comes to do it. Well this morning I asked the cleaning lady if she's has central air and asked her this basic question while mom protested and made a call into the worker to come for the season. Sure enough I was right and couldn't hold back from saying "told you so" multiple times. Cleaning lady made a joke of being a referee with us and I continued that I'm only harping about this because a child was brought up like this with (their intelligence) not being believed and the consequences are obvious. So let's see, an undiagnosed brain injury consisting of racing thoughts and destructive upbringing with a can't-do-anything-right and too-stupid-to-know-anything attitude. Oh and then the cleaning lady had to hear us going at it again when mom kept cutting me off when I was trying to (as usual) explain that just because something didn't agree with her once doesn't mean it always will as I recently proved to her. We started going at it as mom cut me off from what I was saying - a behavior only started  from the Surrogate Court proceeding. * smh * This post is being moved to my blog soon and started from the near-beginning because this is getting too hard to do mobile. ... Next batch transferred from google+ post 7/7/15: TRANSFERRED TO BLOG ... life flash. After all the following in the end Judge Deanne M. Wilson in conjunction with steven j Straub and Cristina Mirda and the rest of the corrupt crew do what they did while this loose cannon lied: we get home and there's a message on the phone (2 of them) from what mom has come to term as Christine's boyfriend. HISTORY NO ONE KNOWS AND THIS BITCH LIED ABOUT: in Grammar school christine got a call from an incompetent male classmate and referred to christine by her nickname and my mother coldly yelled at him and hung up on him. He never called back. This was during the time christine was having untreated seizures. Couple years later our cousin Laura took care of us while mom went to Ireland. Although I don't agree with all christine had to go through, Laura had christine's weight down bigtime and christine walked better and looked GOOD. mom comes home and screams at me saying "what am I going to do if she gets pregnant?!" SLAP. so I go away from all this craziness - Claire was court ordered away and wasn't around for all of this. Surely there's got to be something for ME in this to be away from this unacceptance to cope. And Cris Mirda argues I'm estranged from them all while Claire was simply away from all this. While away mom had no choice but to get involved in christine's handicapped groups and learn the way people live. +Kevin Murray when I'm gone I do not want the Mould side of the family taking care of my stuff even though they have a technological clue. ... TRANSFERRED TO BLOG... 5/7/15 So today is the first day I'm here without eating the food. I'll have a drink. Something is wrong. I don't  know if it's the cleaner used in machine where I get water or if it's the supposed bad antibiotics in the chicken or the salad preparation, or someone putting something in my food but I need to get myself some apple cider vinegar and hopefully it clears up. What does a normal person do? Find out what is wrong and some type of legal action happens. Yeah what a joke * smh * ... ... ... 5/8/15 Mom was just here and was talking about getting an ipad for Christine. She talks alot. She started out saying she wants to get one like her sister and I told her she needs to consult her sister on how to use it. That I don't use i stuff. As soon as she said about Christine I said "there's lots of things I want to do for her but you had to go lie at the Surrogate's court." When she said about getting one for Christine, I said "I'm out of this. Go fix it at the Surrogate's." (paraphrase).  Earlier in the day this was the approximate dialogue: Me: " the maintenance required light is coming on now in my car so I have to get it done." ... Mom: "I can't afford this" Me:" Well you already know what I told you to go to the Surrogate's court and I'll go get a job." Mom: "Yeah ... as everyone says 'What's she doing without a job?'" Me: "And what do you tell them." Mom: "That you're lazy." Me: "See you lie to them same as you lied at the Surrogate's court." ... Mom: "Well from now on we'll eat at Burger King and Wendy's." Me: "Ok but I wont be eating with you. I mean Wendy's has salads but you still cant trust what you're eating." There was something else that as I sit here and toil for the next 12 hours it will come back to me. Failed children in America * smh * Fucking stupid. ... something's up. I was asked suddenly to sign into wifi so I simply took a different nearby wifi and there's restrictions for which I understand but can't explain. Then later on a manager came in and before going to work sat in one area and I knew there's something going on here. It's just like when homeless, the homeless have to constantly live with the insecurity of they may have to leave at any given time. Well NJ did away with loitering so I know I'm good there. Just wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. I sit in a place where I can live sanely throughout the day instead of sneaking a meal into a library and I still can't win. Now I have something wrong with me because of the water or food here. I found a place just fine where I wasn't too comfortable but some other things are more important but lo and behold I'm running into the same teenage shit that can be destructive especially if you're in my shoes. wth - that old feeling of harassment rising. As I type thinking back to what I had to go through just to type - have a teen classmate tell me they all think I'm on drugs because I wasn't doing well in the class when reality was that I really wanted to learn and I didn't do like them of looking at their hands when learning to type. So I had to practice on my own time and made it a habit of typing out words in my head envisioning where the letters were on the keyboard for years. Yeah nice life. ... I'm really not doing good. Thinking about that picture that was taken of me against my will. I looked into the eyes of that beautiful girl after her boyfriend violated my wishes and I'm not sure how to have read her expression. Only later (as usual) able to formulate a response "is that what he does to you? Takes what he wants even though you said no?" But how can I take a chance of putting an idea of rape like that in a teen's head? Maybe she's a virgin. Anyway I think what set me off is today hearing a girl laugh just like that redhead. Is that pic being shared among friends? Is it on the internet completely violating my wishes. I just can't put into words the amount of damage done to me in this place. I remember when I got to NYS I had a preconceived notion of those good at sports and it's unfortunate. In NYS it's seen as an accomplishment, an innocence robbed of me by NJ. In NJ good sports players are asshole big-ego jocks that are not nice. There's some nice ones - I can remember two with to-die-for bodies and I think both of them were wrestlers. I learned of one of my classmates that was suddenly Miss Popular when she was dating a popular jock. When they broke up it was ALL gone. Everyone went back to being an asshole to her. I have a disconnected development. Life went no place and I don't know or have strategies for this regardless of my mother ruining my assertiveness post-accident. Wth? what a fucking mess. When done here I'd like to just go home, and drink myself to sleep to stop the racing thoughts about this. Brain-injury related racing. Not psychotic. But I still have over two hours of power left to use when done here. That picture taking of me is really bothering me and I have no protection. * smh * ...|NSNS|2015-GLOBAL-hoot#.VU1ybfDs1Gk ... ... ... so Bono was on the bush-laden NBC tonight. I didn't see the whole thing but last I knew that man needs to re-enroll in college and get educated. Last I knew he supported GMOs for Africa. I was never a fan except the song Van Dimien's land which isn't even sung by him. Doesn't he know about the secret society that killed jfk? Not a fan. Let me guess - he wholeheartedly supports my mother in America. ... ... ... MY GOD ... sounds like a haliburton loophole ... ... ... ... 5/10/15 of all the tv stations I believed in I'm crossing ABC off my list. They're running a pro-hydrofracking commercial. DO NOT go to to learn more about hydraulic fracturing. ... ... ... ... ... ... some people are so immature and so insecure you just want to slap them for the things they do. For real. ... ... I'm glad I have a supporter named Mayim Bialik (and vice versa) in abhoring this movie ... Aunt Maureen's paranoia similar to how she felt about her oldest son, Claire's brain-washing and denial which influences her family: ... to be looked into: ... ... ... ... ... but justice to this type of civil rights just doesn't have the momentum for at least another 100 years ... ... "While female may have less strong physique their "mind" faculties are higher and they are more attuned to spirit where this spirit energy is active, whereas male hormone entity is less agile mind is more material and physical. This is a subtle difference but arrogance and brute power only works in physical world. In Spirit world male energy is passive. Men who can not respect female energy or learn from them can never really grow mentally and spiritually. Those who disrespect females usually end up very bad on karmic scales." ... ... just saw story about girl w autism on flight. Immediately think defense attorneys are going to use the indoor house swing against her (head hitting the ceiling it looks like is easy to happen). ... ... ... ... ... ... ... "Boosting the minimum wage sounds good in speeches, especially for officials who, like Hales, plan to seek re-election. . . . But raising the minimum wage has consequences, and it is not necessarily the best way to help lower-income families."" - Dumas Law Group, ORE ... 5-13-15 ... I am so god damn tired. Got woken up prematurely by Christine both yesterday and today. Yesterday I could tell it was her frustration over mom's cold inconvenience of what she medically needs while helping her get dressed. Today I'm not sure why she was angrily yelling for mom to get up. I'm tired of my weight. I'm tired of my sleeping problems. Not at peace with doing my final act to allow all this unaccountability to simply continue and that's not just with this house. I've had about 5 cups of coffee today and that's not even talking about how big those "cups" are. At least I didn't use it against Christine like Claire did long ago before she drove into a telephone pole drunk which was to tackle me on the landing and punch me in the back and at that time mom treated her like she's treating me now. I'm so fucking tired. Onto my 6th? cup of coffee. Fuck it I'm ending early :-( and going to ask Christine to please keep it down in the morning. ... next day and having my 2nd round of sleep soon. It's 5:16am and I need to travel to house soon to open window in basement and change furnace filter. Instead of caring for child I care for house. I not happy. ... next day - check to see how many of these have to do with fracking or near PA border ... I am worn out today and I need to go tend to my house but that procrastinating. Was going to go today or tomorrow but life is exhausting me. No income. No known future security. No of a lot of things. ... how fucking scary at 6:45pm tonight (e.s.t.) to see that hydrofracking commercial again on ABC. Earlier was a commercial for natural gas powered buses for the airport. ... out of alcohol. Woke up 2 hrs ago and still awake. Going to be a long night. ... 3 hrs. ... 4 hrs and news on someone who enters my mind every now and again just like Samantha Smith ... 5 hrs. Heard the birds wake. ... 4 hrs later w/ 3 hrs sleep: v.s. addressing a child with medical needs in America: ... to be read ... whoever does the cable monitoring they took away the one game I play :-( ... 5/16/15 ... Illuminati white collar crime? ... went to eat at 6pm. Got home round 9:30. Got less than 4 hrs sleep waking at 2am. Now 3:42 am and waiting to pass out. ... next day ... so I again told mom she has to get back to the chiropractor because she is walking worse. It's been 5 months since she needed to get back and all she is going to do is complain and increase our stress. She can't take care of Christine like she used to and this is only going to make things worse. She also is going to do as always of just switch doctors believing she doesn't have to do any transfer of records. Her and Christine are going out to eat for my nephew's birthday. * smh * loose cannons free to stay in denial of what this family has repeatedly not addressed. ... I finally understand the dumbass Nancy Grace is. Every argument she makes about pot can be made about legalized alcohol but then again that's more proof these people are bought and sold: ... excellent attorney discussion 1/17/15 ... ... ... ... 2nd round of sleep. Anticipating traveling but will I have enough time/sleep for it? Need to shower b4 due to whatever problems I have from greasy hair incident. ACV is not enough times a day. Comfortably numb enough to go to sleep now but must keep in mind enough of the picture. ... next day. Shit hit the fan over money and the "you're fine" attitude. Resting today. Traveling tomorrow. Told mom she needs to go talk to someone educated in America on how to care for her children (post accident). My nephew being special needs didn't help me one bit. ... damn right this is only the beginning of NJ pumping it's own gas idea. Let's keep track of some history. Gas in NJ in 1990 was $1.19/gal (and that was for Super). NJ has always been full service regardless of the price. NYS in 1990 was around $2.65/gal (super? - I don't remember) AND you paid more for that IF you were lucky to find a full service station becoz NYS is self-serve. Ten years later (approx) some kind of corruption (?) was uncovered and there was an evening out of prices in both places w/ NJ being costing somewhat less usually. Just recently gas prices dipped bigtime and now they're getting really high again. Is that because Goliath is pissed off? I've heard that NJ is full service because of the handicapped. Keep in mind NJ provides a very much more independent life for it's handicapped while NY (NYC too?) pretty much ties the hands of the handicapped. This is only one afterthought about this new service arrangement for gas in NJ. Hmmmm ... I can't believe mom doesn't remember the Avon building she used to drive to. Today I p assed the Avon Global Research bldg in Suffern NY which only became Global Research after Ski n-so-soft was found to keep mosquitos away (from all I keep track of naturally). It didn't always have gates around it nor was it always global research nor was it a "Pyramid" as told to me by the girl who thought I was a nutcase for not doing Ambit Energy when I'm in a do or die situation. ... hoping for a second round of sleep. Alarm going off in 3 hrs and didn't have enough alcohol to put me to sleep. Only have four hours so far. May have to nap on the road which isn't going to make this a good trip. ... still awake 45 minutes later. Wondering if I should just leave soon. ... more than 20 minutes later. Really debating if I should leave anytime soon and then nap around 6:30 am. ... at least an hour ahead of what I would have left. Travel in misty rain. Oh well. I don't want this existence anymore. ... been on the road 14 hours minus an hour for 20 minutes(?) sleep in a half inclined bucket seat but that's what happens when you're sold a possible lemonish car. So you sue. I can't fight for myself anymore with a lot of things. I'm that drained. I still have a long way to go. ... fucking stupid - and I can't use a horse to drive these days why? - and a forest is made up of? ... being awake and driving for nearly 24 hours was not the plan. Money ran out. My porch with a flat roof is falling away from the house. The guy I paid for a metal roof who put it on upside down is dead. The lawyer I hired to fuel this out in court kept my two thousand dollars and we never went to court. Yeah nice protection I've had out in the world. ... ... ... ... Patriot Act results? ... ... ... ... ... ... ... note to self: funny how the "mother fucker" song was on the radio this morning 5/21/15 or it could have been yesterday morning 5/20/15; https://verdict.justia.comc /2015/05/21/the-return-of-the-paranoid-style-in-american-politics ... immediate freak show after posting note to self and even stronger the last 2 hours of doing this. ... ... ... another note to self: recent taking of prom (dress) pic. 3rd note to self: Verizon Virus. Recent song lyrics come true just like MFPrevost. ... 4th note to self: elephant cybercriminals v.s. defenseless. ... whites and blues prom dress by the way. Anyway the next lawsuit for ruining lives: ... as usual mom is not being assertive and christine doesn't understand the changes that mom was out all day and too tired to go out again. It's Friday. And we're going anyway. Atleast local. "And people talk. And people stare. Oh adrian come out and play..." ... .google_plusone_share ... ... NJ has omitted statute of limitations for children of sexual abuse. Has NY? "Stop Abuse Campaign campaign leader I'm Melanie Blow. I was raped by my father when I was 13 years old and I'm still trying to bring him to justice. Today he is protected by New York's laws called statutes of limitations. The police can do nothing about it and I know he molested other girls too. Will you help me stop him molesting more children by changing New York's laws to be like states like California and Delaware?" ... ... ... ... daily meditation; if only it were this easy ... not the only fucker ... NJ child with special needs and there I go right through the cracks again because there is no divorce. No worries I'll be drunk in a couple hours: ... progress ... all alone and waiting to pass out and all that was stolen from me and no justice and no peace. ... WTF 1.5 hrs sleep and I'm out of alcohol so there better be a good reason I'm awake. What someone who can't say thank you at an appropriate time? Someone who got themselves written off? Someone else? I need sleep and I better get it.:-( ... 1 hr later and I took the phone off the hook. I told my mother sum1 is fucking with her and nothing is wrong with her phone. These little rings that don't register on the caller id are intentional especially after I talked about govt secrets I found out about 12 or 13 yrs ago. .. this fucking bites. Still awake. One of those rings happened around 10pm and I should have disconnected the phone then. There's a number of people I can think of doing this. No laughing matter you pieces of shit. What if I worked everyday with dangerous machinery and not enough sleep everyday because of this? Ever think of that? ... 2 hrs still awake while mom sleeps like a log as always. ... birds are waking. ... about 3 hrs sleep and woken by legitimate phone. So much for leaving house early. Mom coldly told me she never heard the phone last night as if I'm stupid. This woman w no hearing aid. ... 1/2 hr(?) sleep with another attorney in a dream (this time one I interact with more opposed to the one who wound up a dead body in my house) followed by eventually more little sleep woken up again. This life sucks. ... drug addicts ... ... ... http://thefreethoug ... waiting to pass out. Wish I had something to eat but need to do shopping since mom can't do much anymore. Want justice in my life. Company along the way would be nice but not necessary as long as the desire to be loved but will give up love for justice. What else is new anyway. I'm in babble mode anyway. Watching Nightline. I am not in need of a breast reduction but weight loss. I'm naturally perfectly proportioned at a large B. The weight has brought me to a DD or more. I never had back problems until the weight gain. Will you sob with me as I pass out all alone? ... the weight didn't start until the walking had to stop.the walking stopped and it was the first rape by the psychiatric industry. The first rape gave me digestive problems I still have today. I have no protection from it all anyway. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD OF SHIT COMING FROM PATAKI. NOT ONLY WOULD ALL DISABLED RIGHTS GO OUT THE WINDOW BUT I'VE HAD A VERY ACTIVE REPUBLICAN ONLY ASK WHY ABOUT HIM - THERE'S NOTHING TO HIM. I'LL START REPOSTING MY STUFF FROM LAST NOVEMBER. REMEMBER AT PUBLIC TESTIMONY HELD BY THE NCD IN ALBANY NY IN 1997 OR 8 THIS SLIME HAD ONE OF HIS FELLOW SLIMES SIT IN THE FRONT AND LAUGH AFTER EVERY TESTIMONY. THERE WAS A SLIGHT PAUSE AFTER MINE. I BETTER SEE YOU PULLING OUT OF THE RACE AS YOU BELONG INCOMPETENT ONE. most likely we're going to have a Republican in office based on the flipflop pattern I've noticed. Hillary picked the wrong time to run. If Bush doesn't railroad the election process we're most likely going to see Christie as pres. Pataki doesn't have the momentum but that's no reason to let your guard down. He's talking shit about farming for political gain. He's not going to stop hydrofracking. Cuomo should be running although I've heard Italians are never going to run the white house based on the reputation of the Italian mob. ... ... PATAKI ... DON'T FALL FOR THIS CRAP AD ON YOUTUBE ABOUT NYS AND DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITIES: INSTEAD READ ABOUT THINGS THAT REALLY HAPPEN IN NYS WITH DEVELOPMENTAL DISABILITIES AND I'M PRETTY SURE THIS HAPPENED UNDER PATAKI: ... ... FOR THE SAFETY OF CANADA, AFRICA, AND ANYWHERE ELSE I WOULD QUESTION THIS: ... not enough sleep last night so did the pathetically handicapped inadequate shopping with mom and will do only 2 hours online today followed by a marathon day tomorrow. So tired. Plan to get enough sleep tonight. So tired. Too tired to go thru the dialogue w mom. Such medical inadequacies. ... round 2. Cheers to " settled a separate lawsuit for $10 million last January. Our partner, New York personal injury lawyer Howard Hershenhorn,who is regularly quoted by the New YorkCity Press, told the Daily News that the deal was likely “multiples of that —many,many multiples of that.”He noted that Morgan,Fuqua and Millea have serious injuries they’ll likely deal with the rest of their lives,and that Morgan —who hasn’t worked since the accident —has a strong claim that his injuries have impacted his substantial earning power." Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? ... Very interesting: ... ... of course ... hmmm ... SHOCK!!! IS this the only surviving child from his first marriage in which his wife and baby girl died? Cell phones and wifi have to be causing brain cancer? ... 1995. Dubrovsky (Dubrofsky?) Sexy muscle body. Russian mob. Heavy greasy hair problem still has not gone away. Have not done acv enough. Samantha Smith on my mind. Bush tied into where Dubrovsky is. ... so I have to wonder what this is that the ads on youtube are silenced. Is it getting ready for the bullshit lies being put forth by Pataki in his pathetic attempt to run? One of the pitches is that  :he's been a lawyer. Newsflash: most politicians are former lawyers Any lawyer in my circles could be Pataki or one of Pataki's fellow scums. There's a girl here that reminds me of a former upstate NY innocent looking country bumpkin but is far from it. Maybe she put something in my food? I'm always thinking. Oh gee look at that the sound is back on youtube ads. How about this song: ... today I almost humored myself by asking mom a question she wasn't going to answer anyway: What is she hiding or lying about after my father died? What did she do to destroy my life? There's something (perhaps many things) I don't know. ... 6/1/15 - a day of rest Unexpectedly. I have way more to catch up on than I thought I discovered recently and I planned on going out today but I'll just stay in and rest and enjoy the sound of the rain. Maybe I'll do two hours later. ... have to read more into this but I think this is part of the prediction I made that the bar would be raised (and I think I hear a patriotic toilet flush) ... educate yourself, become a responsible advocate of the living and then become a politician: ... phone is off the hook so it was the airwaves that woke me almost two hours ago. After going thru a freakshow and still being sane you understand what that is. Just like when I was drawn to watch earthquakes several times a day long before hydrofracking was leaked, the psychiatric realm has a heyday calling that Obsessive Compulsive Disorder * eye roll *. I just don't have any alcohol to put me back to sleep. There goes my plans to start the day early. ... 3 hrs. Have to wonder if our useless medical guardian long knew about christine's lack of taste and both our sleep disturbances and purposefully withheld information because she only knows how to be abusive - the old irish way. Fuck me the fucking cleaning lady is coming here in a few hours! Fuck! If I fall back asleep from exhaustion I'm going to be woken up anyway. :-((( ... 4 hours. How much social media would have helped me get help during my teen years! ...  2nd time I saw PA plates around my town. Some of my ex's family is from PA. Have to wonder if that's it. So today before the cleaning lady came mom was in her incessant denial or perhaps its the old way of the child is always the child never to be treated like an adult. I think it started about money but maybe not. She denied reality that last time the cleaning lady showed her how to use the cooling system what preceeded that was her saying how wrong I was and there and then she called the servicer and left a message. * smh * More important she said to the cleaning lady that she'll have to go to assisted living because she has no choice.  Choice #1 for the past 2 years has been fixing her mistake at the Surrogate's Court. Choice #2 for the past 2 years has been something I don't remember right now. I'm telling you this woman has problems and is a loose cannon and her children are SUFFERING. All 3 of us got in a discussion of a number of things. We talked about how I saw Ricky Martin when  he was with Menudo and he sprouted nicely but it's too bad he might be gay. This led us to the conversation of my opinion homosexual is a possible biological process that starts in the womb with the endocrine system being knocked off with modern conveniences which led to me saying I have no problem with my nephews who never bring home girlfriends if they are gay which led to mom's aloofness that their mother has a problem because it's against her religion. Eventually the conversation led to how out in the world I live like a hoarder and the cleaning lady asked for verification of what I said surprised and I pointed out my mother has seen almost all the places I've lived and how I live. Mom looked away or down shaking her head. I informed cleaning lady that after coma and coming home to never doing house work that that's  me and county services came in and said this is a cluttered mess but not a sticky mess so we can't help you and I just fall right through the cracks. All the while mom is shaking her head looking down in (embarrassment?).  What a day. ... riiiiiiiggggghht like we're going to have responsible leadership anytime soon I have to wonder what if any how the first lady feels about this. Bless her for not giving attention to the press who has asked about the two of them but she can't wait to be free from politics AND she used to do organic farming didn't she? ... ... imagine that. Mom admitting to Claire this morning 6-4-15 "the things she can't do anymore" like put on a medical shoe all by herself. All Claire does is ask questions or give advice mom won't follow. She explained she can't put the shoe on unless I'm here. Last night I had to ask mom where something was while she was on the phone w aunt Maureen. Mom told me, then answered aunt Maureen what I asked for, then aunt Maureen got off the phone quickly. Today's dialogue included Mom saying do you think you could help me with this shoe after I get dressed? and as I walked by her room my response was "Do you think you could go to the surrogate's court for me?" Mom did her shoe all by herself. ... ... maybe I will actually do an app. I can't get back what I lost but I know I can't properly protect myself: ... ... ... ... on this next day of rest mom comes into the kitchen asking me to tighten her shoe if she sits down and that's the life with this stupid woman. The one who needed to go back to her country long ago or give up the kids she can't care for medically. As if talking about the weather I added a Btw Ricky Martin is gay. Her persona was a snap back to conversation as if nothing is out of place. Stupid. Fucking stupid. I'm not sure who's stupider - the lawyers who fed into this crazy person, the judge who confirmed it, Claire who continued the cycle of denial, or me for not carrying out my final act by now. Cheers. ... debating on even going out for 2 hours today. Resting instead of going to dinner. Michael Ehline's posts have gone from repulsive to spamorific. They all go in one folder for a later date. For all the jobs I never got because I couldn't impress in an interview yet some unstable worker hired is making him look so bad. A helicopter keeps flying over. Maybe practice runs of the local guard? ... I remember what started our conversation the other day. Mom mentioned something she does or has to do in Oradell and I promptly reminded her of the casting agent there she never took me to there. Her response: "The what???" yep that's the importance my future took hold. Ending this 2 hours early so I can go to sleep sooner for a ten hour day tomorrow to do something with my time. and while mom lives in her ? ... I'm on to you too dear. Ever hear the song "jealousy?" ... sleep didn't work out as planned. I'm probably not going out today as planned. I forgot to take the phone off the hook last night. Could be the reason. ... I've already said give me a friggin break. Take it from someone who's lived thru this. There is people w/o brain injuries who go thru this and this happened in my teens Android 20s but two things going on. 1. Hormones 2. Zoloft zombies out emotions. Fear of this is why I've been denied a job repeatedly? ... depressed reading about successful people who had siblings. In this case info about lisa loeb. So alone after accident. No more siblings to help me understand and get thru life. All alone w/o proper coping. At least I'm not living Claire's denial. ... too much sleep yesterday and not enough today. I can't fucking win. Doing today anyway. It's going to fucking kill me :-( ... ... b4 I couldn't stay awake anymore today we're all eating out and were given the wrong order. Mom's constant negative way gets christine sounding the same. Same place that mysterious symptoms are showing from. Mom causes these things in christine and then acts like it's all at christine's own free will saying "well you seem upset (so maybe we should get them to change our order to what we ordered)." Just like when we were in the diner recently I heard an Italian woman snaps at her husband the same way this insane one snaps at us. INAPPROPRIATE but no one to protect us and no one paying attention to ou r needs until SURPRISE I receive papers in the mail one day of a guardianship for christine from the surrogate court that I was told years earlier we are done with. Where was Claire at the time? Dating robodick at the time I believe telling him she had to find out before marriage if the sex was good enough to keep her satisfied enough to say "I do." So anyway apathetic fake bitches and bastards had I been prepared for in my life decisions, perhaps this would have turned out better. Claire digs like I do but there is a part of her she has locked out emotions from and NJ fake bitches (and court) are completely buying it. ... I'm not really in the mood to make today a don't-think-just-drink day but something like this would make that happen. What was I doing between the aged of 18 and 20? Following inappropriate directions for life and listening to a brainwashed Claire. Will anyone help me now? ... and there's a reminder on how life fell apart. Mom's cooking turkey sausage for the 1st time instead of Italian sausage so I went to ask how to cook it. Mom was clearly annoyed by my question and her hyper response is the type that rides a nerve(?) Or causes heart problems (?).  People's hearts may break for Joe Biden for what he's been through but the best thing that man did was make sure his surviving sons had a mother around which is typical for a man but mom's argument that only men date again is false even with my friends she knows. "The one thing a man can't live without is a woman but the opposite is not true" may ring true for heterosexual relationships but there's also the notion of reckless disregard in saving a life. Maybe I asked at the wrong time but a child needs that taken into account and not brought up with invalidation and impatience. ... worth noting: ... and there we have it. I'm normally back asleep at 6:40am on 6-14-15 but I was awake to hear mom screaming at her frustration she dropped something and riles christine up to swearing and screaming yet none of this was taken care of in court by the cunts of America found 20 miles away. Vodka has me almost back to sleep. Vodka seems to have helped this greasy heavy hair poisoning. Whatever it comes from. Will the cunts of America unbrainwash Claire? Of course not. Cheers. ... oh geez look at that. I was so pissed off about 8 hours ago that I used the C word. Shame on me as a female. Shame even more to the corruption that ruined this life which includes Hilary Clinton but is not necessarily her fault but those under her supposed to do their jobs. Mom's same outbursts continued after the 6:40 am incident, however Christine doesn't always go to her top level of screaming and swearing. ... holy shit 6-15-15 at 9:25pm had a cop ask me my name and I asked back "why?" and I don't remember the order in the short term memory of things but I think he said we just want to ask a few questions. I think he then told me they are looking for a woman wandering around so I said my first name. And he lightheartedly said they are looking for "so-and-so". And that's what sucks about being a cop. It takes only one (in my case two) to ruin the reputation of them all. He was definitely taken aback by my suspicion of him. Good thing I don't get weak for just any hot body. That was unnerving and I'm damaged by cops. Thank god that went ok. smh oh before I said my first name he said the person they were looking for was a woman dressed in black. After he was done with me a customer made a joke he saw nuns but I didn't involve myself. ... my ex sounds like a loser more and more. I try to keep in mind the brain damage he has that was never addressed. As a baby he fell in the pool and his family stood around praying while his oldest sister jumped in the pool and resuscitated him. That brain damage has never been addressed. He also has two personalities. The one like all the other guys and the one he presents to his godly wife. Yeah. And I'm stuck here all alone. His mother understands now I would think. That is why I saw all the PA plates around here. Oh let me guess. He put the obituary in the paper after the fact for fear I would show up. Loser. ... mark ruffalo was on the NBC bush-laden tonight show. Not a word about hydrofracking even though he's a celebrity frontrunner just like the ny Frack worker wound up in california after me knowing I'm waiting to die w/o a job. What's this? ... my fucking god. Christine goes to the dentist today and mom complains it's $600 later. I ask her if she asked them if they take medicaid because medicaid covers dental. She says well I've asked the girl there b4 if they take it she didn't know. With medicaid you have to go to what's on their list." NO SHIT SHERLOCK. THAT'S WHY I STARTED OUT ASKING IF THEY TAKE MEDICAID. She then complains it's $500 later after bloodwork. I say "that goes to the insurance." She says well there's medicare and medicaid and I say "no! The CAR INSURANCE. THE NO-FAULT." She looks at me befuddled and I go on to explain christine's seizures are caused by her brain injury. Anything with that goes to the car insurance. She says " well I guess I'll see what's left after this." FUCKING UNDUE STRESS JUDGE DEANNE M. WILSON 20 FUCKING MILES AWAY. ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO THE MESS YOU MADE? ALL THIS WOMAN IS NOT DOING RIGHT IS STRESS SHE CREATES FOR THOSE AROUND HER AND YOU CARELESSLY LET CHRISTINE STAY IN THIS MISERY. what an evil moron. ... answers some questions ... German Shepherds do only as told. Rotties think outside the box ... not enuf alcohol to sleep like I need or want. I guess tomorrow won't be the productive day I wanted it to be. Was very let down but no biggy. Tis nothing new. So tired but can't sleep. ... yesterday mom answers the phone and I hear  "hello cla..." Is that her dughter or her sister? I then hear "yes we can talk" (paraphrase) and setting up a time for today. I wake and mom is gone. She did go out to eat with her daughter. Gee I have to wonder what they talked about. Something I couldn't trust as far as I could throw. Claire will be wrapped up in her hypocrisy probably until the day she dies. ... ... have to wonder if today again mom on 6-24-15 (next day) did more recklessness with the medical lives she was in charge of. Claire is no better. The two aloof ones that visited us the least in the hospital * smh * of these days I'm going to walk away from this electronic box. I just realized someone stopped talking to me because they assumed the emoticons I was using w them was the same tone (so they thought) of someone who has created an impression all their own. Don't flatter urself Fred. I don't need this stress or guessing game. I'm just waiting to let go of this life and ur making it easier. Like I originally warned I'm not the one you need to watch out for. Keep pushing. ... I can't believe these experiments to kill innocent people in Afghanistan are not being sold on QVC ... ... ... woke up 4 no good reason over an hour is off the hook so that's not it. Out of alcohol. It's going to be a long night. Mom still won't believe someone is fucking with her phone and gives me the usual invalidation that I understand. Of all the most rage in this life is that we were left with her post accident. W/o an accident we would have been fine here. It's going to be a long night. Reality deniers would point out sleep problems going into Menopause. SLAP! SLAP! no good low lifes. ... almost 4am and I've been awake since about 1:30am. This is no different than high school only the timelines are different. I was going to get a lot done today. Have certain disdain for how I was lifted up only to be dropped or so it feels. A damaged brain's ability to recognize what it hasn't fully made sense out of. I've got some secrets I'm harboring bcoz no one is talking to me to verify reality - in other words a sounding board. Pissed off but keeping it to myself. Extremely pissed off at the fucking silence. The apathy? Helplessness? I think I was wrong about Groom(?) Lake. I would have died for sure. Yes? 4:10 and it doesn't look like today will be a productive day like I had planned. Life without enough sleep while our insufficient guardian sleeps like a log. Christine only started sleeping thru the night after she was put on seizure meds. I can't handle being misunderstood. Can't handle it. What's this? 5 days of inadequate sleep and nothing but rage on my mind? Which might be unfounded because reading minds is not the norm. ... it's almost 7:30am. No fucking sleep! ... it's 4.5 hours later on this Sunday that tanked for me. Mom and christine came home from someplace and christine yells something to mom from her room. Mom yells back and outbursts that she's too tired to help her. Welcome to our unnecessary stress. ... 3.5 hrs later had dream that made me think of the dream in which christine was very lovingly being raped. She had no idea she was being raped as her raper made it into a fun and laughing experience. I woke up disturbed 15 years ago by this dream, called mom asking if christine is ok and was greeted by her cold annoyed way that christine is fine. In today's dream I was with the fiery Italian tempered, domineering childhood friend and her circle of friends and we were at highschool only the hs kids were doing college hazing. The teen boy who took the picture of me against my will and his same beautiful girlfriend were in change and directed me to be dressed up as a pig. My "friends" and I were aware of the age difference and that it isn't so bad because they aren't aware yet of what they're doing. This helped soften the humiliation as the old domineering (not true) friend started putting makeup on me at the front of the classroom so I would be dressed up like a pig. ... got home around 12:30am and took 1.5 trazadone around 1:30am. Still awake at 3am. Woke up around 7am. Waiting to get back to sleep. ... OMFG HOW LONG AND HOW MANY TRIES IT TOOK ME TO WRITE THIS!!! ASLEEP AT 10PM.AWAKE AT 11:30PM. DRUNK ENOUGH FOR SLEEP AT 1AM BUT MADE MISTAKE OF EATING KALE SALAD AND WHICH WOKE ME UP SO IM STILL AWAKE AT 4AM. I THINK LACK OF SLEEP IS HOW MURDERS HAPPEN. IN MY CASE COMBINE THAT WITH LACK OF SEX. BEST SEX I EVER HAD WAS WHEN I was 35 and he was 50. Longest we went at it for was three hours. Only reason we stopped was he had to go to work. No viagra involved. He wanted a relationship but I was hell bent on not repeating the mistake of staying with a first. My ex takes the credit for that. Yes I'm into all kinds of marathons including sex but with my life at a lapse from others my age alcohol will suffice. Sigh. It's now 4:10 am and my plans for a long day are out the window from no sleep. All Claire can do is cite her Christian bible where it says those who can't sleep are of the devil (proverbs 4:16 or one of those). Smh. ... still awake at 7:30am and mom exuding her usual goings on. Both christine and me missing out on hyperbaric oxygen therapy. She might have to be evaluated more for it because of her weak lung (?) function. So sad. So sad. But sadness not an excuse for the behavior of the Morris County Surrogate Court. ... 9:30am and still awake. wtH??? I may have to cancel my dr's appt over this today. ... what the HELL is going on with singer's vocal chords??? What's in the water? The food? The electromagnetic air? The latest victim meghan trainor. Is it cell phones, blue tooth, wifi, oil&gas, gmos??? ... it turns out I've been whored again by the cause I volunteered for and as I went to california waiting to die they went out there after me. Something as recent as 2 or 3 months ago it turns out she went to the country of my fucking roots. Fucking whore. What's next?? What other SHIT am I worth?? And here's her google+ profile. Funny how she's not as descriptive and engaging on G+ as on FB unless you have to add her to circles first. *Smh * at the life sucked out of me in NYS. I can go at anytime. Alec Baldwin's mother and sister still live in the town she does. Is that how this happened? Venessa Williams graduated from SU. so? Richard Geere is closely tied to a company I am. That's why I should carry out a final act rather than be employed?? Really? That's the shit NYS is throwing my life to when I could have traveled to Ireland myself instead? What the hell is next??? This all started because of Pataki. ... what a shallow and bought out response; and I have nothing to do with LGBT except support dickwad. I'm still expecting to get my blocked account reopened ... so the latest is Pataki is using trump as a centripetal force to swing himself into motion. DONT FALL FOR PATAKI FOLKS. HE GREW UP ON A FARM WHO WILL CAVE TO THE OIL&GAS INDUSTRY AND THE DISABLED WILL BE WHORED WORSE THAN I WAS. I'll have to look up the quote coming from him but again how shallow he would use Trump to try to pull himself up. Trump had a pisspoor way of stating all the crimes US residents have suffered at the hands of illegal Mexicans in this country (here's one example: Trump had a pisspoor way of backing up his words with facts and us taxpayers foot the bill of these illegals sitting in our prisons. Trump being pisspoor is NO uplifting of Pataki. All the crimes I could find on illegals I'm pretty sure have been transferred to my blog. ... listening to Ralph Nader I'm hearing things more in line with Claire's thinking. I'm not sure why she is so stuck on being republican. She was under the false assumption that our parents are republican (I don't know what our father was). Today Chris Christie was being talked about on a NJ news channel. This is what started us on an EXTREMELY RARE political discussion. I talked about how the US is tanking. That foreigners can't get jobs in Ireland. She argued with me on that talking how other Europeans are getting jobs in Ireland. I said well that's because Europe - it's all Europe. Mom didn't know much about NAFTA. She didn't know Claire was all set to vote for Ross Perot because she thought NAFTA was such a good idea. Obviously Claire never discussed this with mom. Another topic we discussed was what's happening with Greece and I said Greece should do what Iceland did. We all should do what Iceland did. Oh I remember how this all started. When talking about the money Christie has raised Mom was admiringly taking about how much he raised and I said well that's because of the Koch brothers. Her response was "who?" I said you never heard of them??? and she got all defensive. She said she never heard of them on the TV and I said for the second time that's because the Koch brothers own the tv. This leads me to believe Claire either doesn't know herself or she never told mom so mom could make an informed decision regarding money in elections. I wound up giving mom a lesson in what money in elections means. * smh * this is how the medical lives of seriously injured children fell into a working sink food disposal system. Claire's sweet sounding ineptness  is a real problem. She couldn't give a crap about the disabilities she and her sisters undeniably live with. She's a real danger zone to herself - not even mentioning those she's influencing which all goes back to The Way International. ... ... based on an 1872 U.S. law Canada bought land in Nevada for $30,000 (for Gold mining) that's worth $9billion. WHERE'S THE UPROAR? WHERE'S THE INTEREST IN NOT TANKING OUR OWN PEOPLE?;; ... 7/7/15 So we all understand now the influence the Elephant has on the Jackass? The reason for this pity party on undocumented workers all starts with Jeb Bush's cock. Let's go back in time. Ronald Regan switched his party to Republican. Bush Sr. had an influence then, remember? We have this flipflop of Republican to Democrat and back to Republican which is why Hilary picked the wrong time to run. George Bush Jr. railroaded the election process and if I remember right his brother running the Florida show had a big part in that. We're tanking people by men who allow their lives  to be influenced by their lower minds. Supposedly his wife doesn't like politics (BUT HE'S AN AMERICAN TO SAY THE LEAST - SHE JUST HAPPENED UPON BUSH - ONCE YOU'RE IN THERE'S NO WAY OUT) so our lives as Americans are being ruined by this man trying to prove something to his wife that power and politics is a good thing??? WAKE UP! I haven't explored how Jill Stein or Cynthia McKinney feel about tort reform which is worthless if they don't share the views of Ralph Nader but finally going toward our natural inclination of Green Party is the better option don't you think? We realize more and more how we're tanking with Dems and Repubs so it's worth it to try the alternative. Come to think of it, Ross Perot dropped out of the race but Clinton carried forward with NAFTA so people you have to piece together the underpinnings of what is REALLY going on here. I don't even have to bother getting into the Illuminati. It's quite clear what's going on here. Be done with this family already. Are they escapable? Do we have a choice? Probably not. Damn right I would paint the town with the dark side of Mexico. Remember guliani talks about safety from identity theft in an infomercial but even though he lived and worked and got fired from Mexico he doesn't mention that most identity thefts are Mexicans needing an American identity. ... ... when shopping this week mom said it was recommended for her to have raw pineapple but she didn't know where to find it which is her unrealistic way of saying she can't see things like she used to. I won't even get into her driving. By chance I look up in the exact area along the wall where the fresh pineapple is on the top shelf but tell her I need to go with her because she won't be able to reach (she's had shoulder surgery on both for torn rotator cuff - the second time she was given the name of a lawyer by someone but I have no idea what happened. I asked once but will not ask this stupid lawyer bitch again who only made fun of me and lawyers every time I tried to enforce my american rights. This bitch should have been out of our welfare long ago. No shit. So today 7/7/15 mom makes these new complaining noises and it turns out she can't open the container due to the pain in her fingers and as she says it's rediculous I say "no ur rediculous for not getting the help you need and instead stressing out and ruining lives. And then going into the surrogate's court and lying just to get ur way." She couldn't open the salad container she bought yesterday and there wasn't much too it. Every time we bring home Chinese food I open all the containers lately. Lately the volume on the tv is louder than usual - instead of volume at 22 it's up near 30. I'm too out of it right now to go into the stress she caused Christine on 7/4 when she didn't get off the phone when I told her too so Christine was left with no help after getting out of the shower and of course mom tries to calm down the mess she made while watching the macy's fireworks an hour late. ... will someone save me today? 7/8/15 ... so today 7/9/15 mom was observing me as I was chopping ingredients for a mushroom omelette and I glanced out the front door when I saw something move and then went back to what I was doing and my thoughts. She then points out to me that I'm looking out the window and smiling to myself and people will think I'm "cuckoo" - at least she didn't say "crazy" which has done a lot of damage over the years. History: I took over Claire's paper route when I was Ten. When she used to drive me on the route this used to happen to me and I worked hard to control it. Mom initially asked what I was smiling at but then didn't ask any more nor did she take me to the doctor probably because to her knowledge only a psychiatrist would be treating me. Once we were done at the Children"s Hospital the first time that was it. Same happened with the surrogate's court. Instead of taking me back to the Children's hospital to ask what brain damage this is I was left high and dry to just be a weirdo. Keep in mind I was prevented from doing many physical things as a way of getting stress or whatnot out of my system. Recently this has happened to me as in my bored and restless life I really came to enjoy the people and intelligence I was interacting with every day. Btwn the aged of approximately 13 and 30 bouts of laughing would turn into boughts of sobbing and neither one has to follow the other. Enter the psychiatric community with something called pseudobulbar affect talking about medicating the condition. If sex with a man for at least 3 hours followed by a workout at the gym might take care of SOME of the energy inside me don't you think this family needs to be re-evaluated? I can only imagine the lies and gossip about me all over NYS. I've been involved in the lifestyles long enough to know. In the Adirondacks the local women tell tall tales above and beyond reality but it's not their fault - it's the lifestyle. Outside of that in northern ny they take reality and just keep adding falsehoods to it and call it truth. I wish I could say what followed me to central ny but silent partners never come out of the shadows to reveal themselves. Will anyone save this life today? Or just keep doing what's easier in keeping an inappropriate sweet sounding immigrant guardian on her streak? ... was going to do something with my day today 7/10/15 but then tanked at the thought of my life being left high and dry. Will someone save me today? ... the stress we don't have to go through. rot in hell Deane Wilson ... so on 7/13/15 after getting thru the stress of mom's cold tone of voice this morn it turns out the pineapple was a suggestion of Claire which I already knew. I been doing cored pineapple under her nose for almost twenty years (ago). Did Claire also suggest the no-carb diet that lasted mom MAYBE a week? That also brought on a lot of weight loss for me over or about 20 years ago. No worries. I'm comfortably numb at the moment as I doted on sleep and the incompetent guardian responsible for this train wreck and the hell deanne m. wilson can rot in as I wait to die. ... next day. So scott myers never answered the question of his debate with Trump. I've had this feeling before of being partial to one person in this 2party tyranny. Right now it looks like Trump=Triumph. I've been fooled b4. Sorry DT. I should know better bout media censorship. ... as I hear christine scream at mom to shut up I realize this is not simply a temper tantrum but a direct response to stress brought on by mom. Instead of getting involved in brain injury programs mom says nothing to anyone and just lives in this cycle of spinning wheels. And Claire is prepared to handle this? And Morris County took care of an incompetent who can't verbalize what's going on at home because their ceased-developing brain knows nothing else? Funny how Trainwreck was made into a popular comedy don't you think? DONALD TRUMP WIN LOSE OR DRAW DO NOT PULL OUT OF THIS RACE DUE TO DEATH THREATS. USE ME AS A HUMAN SHIELD. I'M WAITING TO DIE ANYWAY. DO NOT GIVE IN TO THREATS. ... very good hangout I missed with Edward Weinstein, Tina Willis, Stephen Futeral ... and the reason for editing The Green Mile is??? Why take out the part of the dry tag and horrible execution??? I wasn't in the mood tonight to do my last 2.5 hours in a parking lot. Rock the boat. Let's rock the boat baby. Tip the boat. Let's tip the boat baby. Know when to not ask??? Nah. Excuse me. Don't tip the boat ova. When I went to the bathroom last night silence spoke very loudly to me. And then there was a joke I don't remember if it was Jimmy Fallon or jimmy kimmel that made a "joke" about the bathroom at burger king. That skinny male Mexican looked VERY familiar come to think of it. Actually I specifically noticed jimmy fallon didn't mention a peep about Trump while kimmel did and fallon is Bush-laden. The phone just chirped again at 12:27am but I have the ringer in here turned off. Just as I was reporting I once again feel like rose barely singing right before being rescued. ... dream: I was with that domineering childhood friend again and she was pulling some kind of traditional practical joke on fellow friend / cousin? of throwing a potted pliant on top of a car. It was so big and made such a loud noise when it broke apart on the car I checked the red car for damage but didn't make much of an issue out of it. Her cousin comes who turned out to be my cousin (with an autistic child) and child of my godparent and she is coming toward us with a much neater potted plant holding it by the green stalks and she throws it on top of the car and it breaks apart across the top of the light blue(?) car but it made less of a Bang. End of dream. Walked out toward kitchen while all asleep and hair on my neck stood up when I hear a thud. Nothing seems out of place. I'm waiting to die anyway. Let it be. In the dream it was a graduation tradition to vandalize a car with a potted plant but it was by no means seen as vandalizing. Graduation was either from Grammar school or highschool. ... my bad. I thought it was john Coffey for some reason that had the botched execution. ... 7/16/15 - so lately I've been perplexed that the recurring plantar facitis has been round in the heal rather than along the length of the nerve. Lately been feeling sensations out of nowhere in the toe. Diabetic? Me? Ok but I'll finally be done with this life before losing a limb. Of all the years I could have been saved. Smh. ... I just had the biggest nail scratching fight with the fake fat-phobic psychologist who only went into psychology so as not to lose too much income from her husband who only AFTER marriage revealed to her he didn't want kids. Was that AFTER he had to work on us kids in the ER? Some people are cut out to be housewives and NOT hold a psychology license. ... planning on going to an attorney meetup today. Not leaving as early as planned. When christine woke mom this morn she woke me. Working on round 2. Nervous about today. Will someone save me today? Too many people. Giving up anonymity? They know who I am already? ... how ironic. The place where a picture was taken of me against my will is out of business. The erasure of evidence that is so familiar? 7/20/15. This morning mom did not answer the door and had I not been here she wouldn't have known the water would be off for her shower. Nor would she have something to compensate for lack of shower had I not been here. Lessons learned from nursing home and being homeless. Yes it's true I will be dead or this legal imbalance in this family will be taken care of. This incompetent guardian feels comfortable asking for things until I lay it on her she has no right imposing this on medically needy children and then going into a fucking court and lying about it. Her response? "I don't need this language." REALLY? NO ONE SAVED OR IS SAVING ME FROM THIS? I'm doting on sleep anyhow. I feel like rose singing to herself on top of the wreckage in Titanic. Those who know brain injury understand the reactive rage such disregard for my medical welfare elicits. Another reason Claire doesn't belong brainwashed. I recently remembered a second head injury Claire had during her drug use years. She and her friend wiped out on the friend's moped down the street and from what I remember she had to go to the hospital for stitches in her head. I even remember the friend's name. ... it's only after my x - country trip I realize how inappropriate me and Christine were but she hasn't grown out of it. 2ce while m om was in the bathroom christine yelled she was done w her salad (mom said she'd put up her dinner when she was done with her salad). I now connect. That's the "give me now" attitude we grew up with and mom put it that way. There's more but not easy mobile. ... raised by an immigrant and die by an immigrant. That's the way it will be. ... save me? Save me? Save me? On my mind is Claire who said she partied and would wake up (indicating rape?) with guys with no memory. Will you save me? All I want is the peace received thru death. ... so tonight 7-22-15 there's talk of someone finding their dog on craigslist. What about the illegal (?) Mexican that stole my flip phone in Roseville CA at the laundromat near the Denny's? I filed a police report but I have no fight left in me as I wait to die so they can have a job and a social security number. I have no protection and no one looking out for me. When I'm gone u might as well cut out my vagina for something to fuck. ... actually that was the early morn hours of 7-22 becoz it still is. Didn't I say reactive to disregard? Didn't I say harassment some time in the past? After all the explaining I did about where the trip $$ went it wasn't good enough and I had to go thru it all again when I told her I need gas money again. Not being able to live in peace like that is NOTHING NEW. it's what taught this life to go out and conquer the world, and then crashed it. This woman's oblivion to the needs of what she is responsible for and then in the end getting the comfort she needs from all the people she paints a picture for particularly Claire who entered my mind yesterday when I heard a song "bad blood" that is very fitting - something about of course the past is the present when the knife and it's scar is still in my back. So back to this reckless immigrant who gives all immigrants a bad name - but wait - w/o mentioning developmental brain injury and unsolved accident reconstruction the song is lacking. So back to the no good immigrant who got me here and then obliviates from any responsibility - I tell her I now have to go around the house and steal $$ for what she's not giving me. Oh the reaction! I highlight the ass she is (but didn't say those words) bcoz I could be a drug addict or prostitute but nothing is good enough for her so that harassment made me what I am. oblivious. I'm mobile so I can't get everything out. This is what someone is not saving the lives of this family from. Note being left for mom and yes I did take the other $5 off her night stand for gas: "if you don't have another can of coffee, you need to use instant. Can you remember that much??? If not you need the long overdue hired help instead of keep ruining lives (which rhymes with lies)." ... All the words and time needed to describe and be saved from this INAPPROPRIATE care and Deanne M. Wilson crushed any saving from it. STUPID. ... more things I have no protection from and no one is going to go to bat for me is the asbestos I was probably exposed to in the house I was illegally evicted from by a Boston asshole and simply took out my camping gear when the water gas and electric were turned off. Skeet helped the woman next door remove asbestos from her house and said it was nothing - that there is just hype about asbestos. I asked him if he wore at least a mask and he said no. It was tracked in the house on his clothes. That would explain the cough I have and burning perhaps. I kept trying to attribute it allergies to dairy. I bet that asshole whose daughter works for the FBI never went to jail over the food stamp fraud she committed in NY. ... it's scary watching christine walk. Especially out in public lately where the chance for injury is greater. She kind of balances her feet more as she seems to possibly sway backwards. Maybe the services she's involved with gives her some coping ways of walking. Stiff upper lip way of making amends? Heart broken way of saying I don't know what's going on? Her and Christine came here before. smh. This is so exhausting to explain and never get help over - At a certain point mom said very nicely and sweetly to Christine "It's alright." I know that means Christine had just been put through piles of stressful complaints / negativeness by mom. That's the pattern. This is no good. no good. ... 7/23/15 Unrelated why do I have an intuitive feeling the heat is turned up? oh well. carry on. Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves - Abraham Lincoln. ... of all the children that have killed their parents this one hasn't had their head bashed into a wall over the abusive denial in taking responsibility for the omission of catering to a child's needs for living in peace - any kind of fucking peace which is what got Claire court ordered out of this house. Nice failure deanne m. wilson. When the child gives back the abusiveness they received and there was and is no one to save the children left behind. If all my holding back were released this woman would receive way more than a nab on the arm and a smack on the head when the sheer denial of a parent's responsibility is protected by the surrogate court and Princeton University status. I can't even get all the words out. Reaching my breaking point with this woman who raised a life not teaching them self sufficiency because they have to do everything. As simple as me getting the right swiffer to pick up broken glass. Complete oblivion of their role in screwing a child's future. The courts of this area are to blame. I'm just going to drink myself back to sleep while these lives that could have been languish and the sound of the hush is deafening. Remember the time I tried to get her to reason this past two years and she put her hands up to my hair but no longer has the strength to pull my hair for discipline. Is that what she did to Claire in front of the town judge long ago? I wish I knew. Yeah nice methods for a child to get stress out of their system. So that when the child goes for counseling the professional (who is the future mediator) points out all the stress in the house but no one intervenes and mom cruelly gives a laugh repeatedly at the psychobabble word stress - years later to claim in court stress while a court lets the abused stressed out child fall down a hole. Cheers ... it's another don't think just drink day - the straight jacket for the bored and restless intelligent who need a job. Mom said this morning about me going to jail and I said I been waiting for that for two years. 8 hours later and no cops and no jail. These are the spinning wheels incompetent to provide for the definite life needs of medically needy children. ... good man! ... dream prior to 4am 7-26-15: jewel kilcher's album spirit about love playing ... nighttime: not feeling good AT ALL. ended early. ... that was scary and I've been reaching out for help for 20 years now. I don't want agony or scary. I just want to go peacefully. I deserve it. Someone help me. I assume I was in a dangerous blood sugar crash and now that I'm comfortably numb it doesn't matter so much anymore. I can't do this alone as a 20 year making has proved. I will wake up in the morn unfortunately. My life was destroyed by Pataki or atleast the salvageable parts. You see Schumer coming out talking about how hard it is for him of those killed in their early 20s but no word on a young in the prime of their life left to die slowly under a corrupt administration. Makes you think maybe he's part of it. John Mchugh was probably part of it without knowing. Give me a way out of this life. I had the chance to go on 9/14/01 and my first words were "my mother's already lost 2 children." Guess who got fucked in the end? So I would love to know what that fume was coming out of the outside sewer drain. Highly doubt it was sewer gas. Something doesn't add up especially when the police actions afterwards seem revealing. Not sewer drain. Storm drain. And then w/in the year I told a woman from Queens the entire incident and her first question to me was "who cast a spell on you?" With a look of horror and concern. I had NO IDEA. Heard that phrase since I got there but no connection whatsoever. ... and the immature and insecure behavior has been transferred to other ladies. Some people have some real problems. ... fucking STUPID. I have a dental emergency today 7/29 and going to mom's dentist. She stopped going to that dentist just for cleanings because the instructions on homecare was too much for her. The mediator talked to me like I was nuts as if I should see mom doesn't have the sophistication. Yeah sherlock nice going when an injured child gets insufficient instructions on being an adult. Potsdam freakshow is strong today. Will numb myself after the dentist. One of those days everyone can rot in hell for failing this child and then only compounding the misery of throwing christine's life away. .
.something makes no sense to me. If I need 2 root canals based on his logic then I need a root canal for every tooth. He only looked at the xray w/o an exam. Maybe coz I'm a payment problem. Freakshow happened in office as happens to me anywhere anytime since 9/14/01. Don't think. Just fucking drink. In 2011 he did a root canal one tooth and said it could just be attributed to changing hormones. 2 weeks later same tooth on the other side acted up. I talked to my chiropractor about it who gave me massage methods for the guns instead. Why is hr now sending me out to a different dentist for a root canal? And this is the way things happen. I don't know what to do other than inaction for the protection of self so if I don't do anything I'll lose a tooth. I'm exhausted by this. I don't want to be here anymore. There is nothing left for me. I was born an... fucking stupid. I just told her why I'm not cooking the scallops tonight. And she couldn't hear me. I SAID "I'M NOT COOKING THEM. YOU DIDN'T TRUST ME AND INSTEAD ASKED THE CLEANING LADY SO YOU COOK THEM. I'm not sure why christine didn't delay the whole message. Anyway I was born old and my time was up at six to be done with this planet but most likely being intubated means I was resuscitated which shows what happens when man interferes with the universal plan - possibly. Just walked out to tell her what she didn't hear and I get the usual denial of "yeah" and tell her she'll be saying that as she's living homeless when her house is burned down. No response. What stupid bitches left me here? I remind you deanne m. wilson that you asked, witnessed, and admonished my mother about inadequate medical care before you just fucking let it slide. The fact I would think edward Weinstein would fight for this situation is just as delusional as the loose cannon you gave sole guardianship to. So what happens is Claire gives mom advice on dealing with me while not knowing the whole story here so mom constantly cuts me off in her defensive days and the innocent children will never get their lives. I think what I'm experiencing is the anxiety stress young children go through when their sense of safety is abscent. I felt a wave of emotion after the middle eastern Christian gave me gas and talked to me today even though I think it was him that was initially mean to me after I got out to ensure the gas cap clicks 3 times. Maybe people know my sense of alienation? I'm not feeling good about this slapstick diagnosis today but I have no protection from this woman who is ok with paying but doesn't ask questions. What stupid bitches got me here? One being mother of a child diagnosed with cancer Stephanie's age? I'm not ok. I just had a memory when I worked for agpro about how the kodak filming leftover oil would be used for oil in our foods. I'm not feeling ok. I'm not feeling safe. I'm losing my sense of safety? ... passed out for 20 minutes and I'm not ok. How did no one intervene in this life? Who did this to me? In a previous life who was I to wind up here? The modern Christian bible has edited out so much which is part of the conversation I had today with the middle eastern gas attendant. Not well. Not well. Not well. Not well. Not well. Not well. Not well. Going to sleep. Going to sleep. Going to sleep. Very soon. Very soon. Don't want this life. Don't want this. Go. Just go. Jeopardy ending. ... round 2 10:20pm tooth feels less sensitive to cold than it did before which would indicate regeneration which is more of a fantasy than reality. I had swelling of the gum once which I don't have now caused by the wrong (upper) bruxism piece and all the dentist at the time was drain the "abcess" and I treated any possible infection with a mixture of echinacia. This time I can understand a root canal for a tooth that a piece of the tooth chipped off but I cannot buy a root canal for the one next to it due to abcess/decay from food getting caught in between the two teeth when I arduantly waork to keep it clean from food. That's part of the problem of not having an exam. There are other teeth that get food caught in between worse or the same. Aka every tooth would need a root canal. In NY the majority of dentists are pull-happy while in NJ they are tooth-saving. I'm not at peace about this. I am not at p eace. I need someone to take care of this situation. I am not ok. I am not ok. ... 11:51 pm and I'm still not ok. Watching ghost whisperer and still not ok. Why get teeth worked on when I need to get out of this body. I need to be done with this planet. If I don't take my final act I will be kept here. Going for some claim chowder. No potatoes if possible. ... still awake at 12:30 am and still not ok. Episode about cremations that got not cremated and thinking of debbie and her father. I am so not ok. I have no one caring for me. I can understand one root canal but not two. I'm not ok. Take care of me. I'm not ok. Drinking still. ... I'm still not ok at 1:56 am. Flashpoint was about vaccinations. I don't want to deal w a tooth situation. I want natural methods but I'm .... now I can't find my mouthpiece for 2:20 am 7/30. I would like to die rather than deal with this situation. I not ok. I not ok. I not ok. Save me. Save me! Worst me die peacefully. Not ok. 7am and I am not ok.inaction? When part of a tooth is missing you need to act right away which I did but not now being sent out. This makes no sense therefore I don't know how to act. I'm not ok. 8:15 and I can only think of inaction. Not ok. 9am inaction. 10am inaction. Had dream w Jason dunkle in it who was drafting or working at desk. 11am inaction. In dream I was writing a list of brain injury facets and I left the room and when I came back Jason was gone to a case and my list was missing. As I searched I was asking out loud but my ex in the front tv room kept saying "shh" while he had the volume loud and was doing something w the control (switching channels?) and I walked back to the other room not saying anything. There was another female present. Almost like this was an apartment commune. ... noon inaction. Waiting for care that is not coming. Breaking down into no care. No one is caring for me. Why should mom pay for 2 root canals when this body is waiting to be lifeless? It's almost as if I lack the fight or flight mechanism. Inaction at 1pm still. Something doesn't feel right w/o that exam. Breaking down like has happened so many times thru the years and then slapped into oblivion by deanne m. wilson who would use this as a reason why I couldn't provide an adequate medical life for christine. Fucking stupid. Behavior of a person with tied hands vs one that has life needs met. ...breaking still w no care. Who left us all alone with this woman? Breaking down. ... so a day has gone by with inaction on a situation that can't wait. Tomorrow will be another as I float in oblivion without this life taken properly care of.  This situation is worse that I can't find my mouthpiece. A fellow patient in the Children's hospital used to do a game with me of grinding teeth and I'm pretty sure it was my roommate which indicates to me I suffered bruxism since then. I know my cousin asked me in 3rd grade what the big deal was about apple juice when I woke up. I was talking in my sleep at that age. When I was 21 a hygenist told me my teeth were loose on the bottom and I never saw that hygenist again. People around here know the laughing legal joke we are. The loose teeth were caused from a deteriorating jaw bone from being broken in childhood. I started taking calcium supplements after doing my own research about what makes a jawbone deteriorate and the dentist I was referred to said the condition improved. I've truly been dragged through mud and broken glass. Deanne m. wilson made the mistake of her life. (Christine is now upset because mom turned back from taking her to an event due to hearing a tree fell (from our thunderstorm today?)) As so gets under my skin mom laughed in embarassment(?) when I told the doctor the situation improved due to calcium supplements. Isn't it obvious how so many issues were not taken care of??? What was mom there for at age 21? Exactly deanne m. wilson. She fucking lied ... I'm that damaged. I saw a redhead looking Ace Ventura and went into freak  mode that if she has come for me I'll race out of here. I only know about danger from police. Meanwhile no one is making the loose cannon accountable. It turned out to be a redhead Ace Ventura look alike (sort of) picking up their child. ... so what happens is someone is labeled a danger to self and gets pulled into the psychiatric realm and the TRUE problem is not taken care of. That's how sad life in America is especially when being raised by an inappropriate "delusional" celtic of old. It all stems from the fear instilled on them at the Catholic Church level of old. Of all the craziness of this morning with this loose cannon I'm remembering in bits and pieces and it's hard to talk about. It's hard to get it all out: it started  with YET AGAIN I had to go over with mom about where the money went when I told her repeatedly yesterday. Once I said "and then go into a surrogate's court and lie about it." she starts in with for me to get out. Then it escalates to "you have to get me out" "you have been saying this for two years but not DOING anything about it." I can't get into this harassment and abuse anymore right now.  I'm out of energy that no one is taking care of this situation and I live in fear of being cornered into a life that is not taking care of the situation. ... another piece of memory: the abuse of not taking responsibility in "you can't take care of yourself so you're just hanging around here." my response "who's fault is that?" her denial: "yours." overwhelmed to write more right now. ... Now my TMJ is acting up without my mouthpiece. ... At first I thought "empowerment that could have saved a life in NYS but then I remembered the hospitals won their defense on Public Health case law and my lawyer did nothing about this: ... wish I had someone to talk to other than myself. Comfortably numb. But as people grow older and are busy with their lives they're less available to say the least. I have a sliver of broken glass stuck in my foot. Not able to do anything about it until hours from now. Oh and btw my lawyer was a part-time nighttime student at SU. after spending 14 hrs a day there and finding out from him this was the case I said to him " that's the problem." He looked at me bewildered. THAT WAS THE PROBLEM AS I LEARNED IN SU LAW LIBRARY MULTIMEDIA ROOM. ... very odd. I drank enough to have me sound asleep starting two hours ago and still not asleep. What part of the universe is responsible for this? The good or the bad? This is not usual but pain in mouth does not exist. ... onto round 2 even though round 1 didn't work, set off by the crystal clear memory "you don't understand. I've been misdiagnosed by NYS before and I'm not going back to that." Followed by police who replied " oh yes you are." CLEARLY I was exercising my right to refuse treatment. CLEARLY now I have nothing left partly because CLEARLY those records follow you and I have no justice to erase those records. If that is why I'm awake then??? But because I was brought up in the house of a single uneducated immigrant parent who goes by only what they know of childishness I reflect that same immaturity in dealing with life in America. ... surprised to find a sealed bottle of Vodka leaking thru it's sealed cap but that's synonymous with my feeling something was added to the alcohol I drink rather than the food I was eating at the restaurant. Anyway all I could do was replace the bandaid on my foot only this time added neosporin. This body had no warning or support for the changes that would happen. Walked in to the room of mom to get these two things who is sleeping obliviously to the sleep deprivation of her children. Like I've said and know - Christine's sleep disturbances went away with her seizure medication. She is now on a B vitamin and thyroid med for life but atleast she's no longer having seizures. ... *smh* money and rhetoric matters or actual lives matter ... some sense for mom and claire: ... yup ... - ... good points about a somewhat catch22 life in America: ... glass is out? Came home early and mom on phone so I ask christine if they went out and what they Ate. She said they Ate lunch out and at 8pm I said you didn't have dinner??? Annoyed mom says "I'm just making a salad for Chris and myself." She then says in the phone "they're just asking about dinner (annoyed)". She then says "ok bye hun." That means it's Claire in mom's need to take sides. That's what she does - more than I can get into mobile but it is obvious of the aloofness and unacceptance of dealing with that inappropriateness that doesn't belong in these medical lives. Claire has a chance to know what's going on by getting on the internet (she only started using it very little after I got here 2 years ago and got along in life fine w tools on it). Her husband and children use it ... you know she could know everything and still turns away. The two-faced mom she has probably long since forgotten about. INAPPROPRIATE. I hold no white flag. My eyes are OPEN armed w knowledge Claire turns away from becoz it's not in line w the way International. Years ago I was trying to make sense out of how she's been exposed to Wiccan activity instead and that's when she put a wall up and I was cut off from making sense of my brain injured life. ... something's up. At about 10pm 8/3/15 Claire called 3 or 4 times starting at about 9:30pm. I don't know the subject matter but mom did say we went shopping today. Mom kept saying "we'll see" and I know what that means. Claire used to tell me about investing my money but instead of doing it I would talk to my informal guardian about doing it who would just keep saying "yeah but..." mom is taking Claire for a ride with something. I wish I knew my part in it. I'm comfortably numb so fuck it anyway. Don't know if it will have an outcome like the back of mine that was splintered and broken in front of deanne m.wilson. ... and for the record so the lies are known, I left a note for mom today like I do many times that I took ten dollars for gas because I was very low. why say this? to counterbalance the lies told in a surrogate court that this paranoid delusional celtic is saying that she's afraid I'm after Christine's money and various things. This morning mom said about the dentist and I said "I'm not." Aloof as always she talks about me getting work done at a dental school. OH SHE'S FINDING THINGS OUT i ALREADY LONG KNOW after reaching out to people that she had to settle for once she pushed me and Claire away and many of her friends are gone. Flashbacks start of Steven J. Straub standing by my mother in court making an exasperated noise when I said she's aloof (to our needs). Throughout this conversation I ventured into another area I knew she would be aloof to. I said I have the right to refuse treatment just like when the police were destroying my future. In all fairness though lots of people reacted to how that even happened. THAT'S THE PROBLEM. Everyone reacts when things happen but no one is caring for the bigger picture. ... so tonight christine got routine upset when mom was taking long to help her. When mom got out here mom said What's wrong? Upset I'm taking long? In unison I said yes and Chris said no at the same time. Right now I can hear christine's frustration with personal care. This shows christine's lack of higher level thinking that so many are taking advantage of for their own gain. ... dream just prior to waking around 9:15am: I could hear Christine expressing her frustration with current increased personal care while taking a shower. The other day mom got to witness first hand how jobs I can do are being outsourced. Phone was on microphone when I called a business. I finally had to ask "Are you in America?" when it seemed they weren't able to answer the question about my account. They told me they're in the Phillipines and I asked to be transferred to America. As they put my on hold I said "See mom that's why this country is tanking and one reason I've been unemployed. This has been going on for 15 years." ... flashback to the problem of christine answering the phone while I get ready to see Pataki who raped my salvaged life. Just like mom Chris has no more patience to hear she did something wrong (that's the undeveloped child Christine is - be like mom) which only keeps this air of negativity alive, kept alive by mom and brought to a higher level by deanne m. wilson. On 8/6/15 around 4:30pm christine answered the phone but she will have no memory to tell mom. Her answering the phone has been a real problem over the years including getting messages people died like when a woman who was like a grandmother to me died and her husband called to tell us. As a matter of fact I haven't been broken or sobbed like that until years later when I found out the love of my life got engaged to a convenient wife. I don't know what was the same about those two situations but those two events have equal weight in my history of just being shattered(?). Years ago if I would forget to tell Claire one of her friends called I wasn't dealt with healthfully. The cycle has never changed - Claire has just been away from it. Ok getting ready to see the shit about to fall out of pataki's mouth - the man whose administration raped what I had left. Brought NY together??? Ok! Oh he's trying to say in his melodramatic way about the 9/11 aftermath when suddenly him and Guliani mysteriously got along. Yep  - Oh so he would take away american civil liberties to prevent terrorism. Let me guess, Potsdam was his test area to eavesdrop on people's phones and homes - mark my words of what I can't prove. Bush has a fishing buddy in potsdam. Also they're not talking about the CANADIAN border. Not too worried about the keystone pipeline now that . Welfare Pataki - points out those not on welfare but that does not reflect a better situation. He is known for upholding a disabled in tupper lake for an internet fly fishing business but internet jobs are filled with deception /corruption. So anyway oklahoma can now sue for oil and gas earthquakes so now it's a question does the court procedure and protection of a court get destroyed by presidential politics which is a usual or what??? Keep in mind also the story I posted about the developmentally disabled who died under care in tupper lake. Recently there came out a story negating the website that was written on. that's what friends in low places do. Pataki is no different now than when gov in ny. He's really a sad s.o.b. Pro choice - would defund planned parenthood. Disrespect for life is something Pataki does well without abortion. Look at me. Look at the developmentally disabled that have lost their lives to his administration. What sad out of touch men in this debate. The woman didn't give an answer on that. Oh the name of the website is theripoffreport. He would do a hiring freeze causing people to live on welfare. Nice going Pataki! In all fairness I didn't hear that whole speal.  So this is running over time. My heart is with oklahomans and the freedom to sue oil. Closing - Pataki (let's see what shit falls out of his mouth) - how ironic if my words wind up uplifting Pataki. That would be NOTHING DIFFERENT. Remember my life was raped from what I had left. Graham is as bad as Pataki. Ok his background - nothing but shit. Guliani made things safer and not him. He's NOT action. Just look at me. Just look at this wasted life that was headed someplace. ... like clockwork christine fell when the main debate started. I went out, turned on the tv, helped christine with overconfident ways she thought she could use to get up, chewed mom out for the inappropriate hardwood floors because she had to be "like everybody else", spent some time mulling over calling police to help her up, Claire calls back asking if she's up yet having NO IDEA how bad this situation is, I ask her if she has the non-emergency phone # for the police. I take off before she calls the police but have to yell out to her she needs to go open the door, she asks why I didn't do it as if it's anything different from why I didn't turn the light on outside the door. That's the disregard of this woman - shit on me and then expect all to be normal. I mute the tv as I listen that she tells them what I told her to that she's paralyzed on one side (which made a difference). after getting her up they say "that's it?" HOW IRONIC 2 WORDS SUM UP THE ENTIRE OCEAN OF PROBLEMS UNDER THE ONLY NOTICEABLE OR OBVIOUS PAPER CUP. And now I resume my imbibing of sleep medication with sorrow larger than life itself. ... next day it seems mom waited for me to leave to call claire back and that makes me suspicious. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or maybe she just needs to keep reality separate from Claire. Are they planning something from the other night that I will not be told again that will further separate and divide these lives that have never been dealt with correctly to begin with? Oh and I brought to mom's attention today the phone message she never got from Christine last night. ... flashback to having to say goodbye to my roommate in the hospital. I already was instilled to not say anything to my mother about my dead sister and on that first weekend home she didn't say anything so it all added up. I was showing my roommate what I was thinking about doing to scare the nurses(?) but it turns out when I was showing her I didn't realize my strength and she cried to her father that she was hurt and her father was protective of her as fathers should be and I sat alone in a darkened hospital room holding in my emotions. The head nurse that we were all completely scared of came in and talked to me as a child needs (or as I needed) and she gave me permission to cry and hugged me as I sobbed because I didn't mean to hurt my roommate. I felt bad and I was letting go of her because she was going home. I'm sitting here with tears right now as I remember back to the full impact this child had to carry. Meanwhile Claire would sweetly say "Oh I could never imagine going through what you did but it doesn't matter. The past is the past." SLAP THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF THAT UNDIAGNOSED BRAIN INJURED AND WASHED LIAR. ... ... 8/12/15 More blatant disregard for our disabilities tonight from our guardian. She won't get the stairs handicapped accessible and only keeps spewing stressful shit all over the place. No worries. I'll be numb soon. and christine is getting a new counselor at work. What does that mean? More erasure of evidence? No worries. I'll be numb soon. ... 4 days later new creeping and subtle chest pains the past couple days. indigestion? ... so john kasich and the super pacs are the feeders of the medical moneymaking merry-go-round talking about medication for homeless that are mentally ill with complete omission of organic brain health. Then Hilary has shit falling out her mouth of all the disadvantaged she would help and I got no help whatsoever waiting for infection to take me over. ... dream: the girl whose cousin was my childhood bully was dealing with some kind of relationship issue as people are important in her life and for some reason bread crumb mixtures were a part of the dream. I can't remember whole dream. ... someone sharing my desktop with me? As my task bar changed color for a while, etc.? Tis the art of letting go of life. You just let it go. ... ... so me and christine are stuck here with this incompetent immigrant who recently tried to convince me that there is a different case worker of insurance than for me. Today on 8/19/15 I remind her we have always had the same case worker and I can't talk to them (holding back her aloofness that my surgery was delayed and future destroyed by the one in 2004 who kicked off my assault by police). I remind her I am online with 700 lawyers and it is said over and over and over to only deal with insurance with a lawyer because of their bottom line. Here comes the c word. Where's Eminem when I need him? She scoffed at what I had to say. Eminem I need you right now. This bitch was under the impression I would be married off and not her problem anymore. ... DRUGS!!! I call my PO to know how much I owe and let mom know I need $$ soon. She obliviously tells me about calling a lawyer about the insurance and I tell her we needed an insurance lawyer 30 years ago and that she's lucky an insurance lawyer will even talk to her. I then ask about if she ever got anything out of her fall in a parking lot w a torn rotator cuff and she says she got some "couple dollars" but most went to the lawyer. Smh the universe is granting my wish for a painless death so far - haven't even needed the alfalfa tea yet. I told mom the caseworker can find out about me from my medical records and doesn't have to meet with me. She doesn't understand the last caseworker met with me and brushed off my deficits as trivial. No worries. Vodka has me almost back to sleep. Eminem I so need you right now over this 30 years too late no gooder that ruined my medically needy life. SHE CAN FUCKING DIE FOR HER FUCKING IGNORANCE ALL THESE YEARS AND ALL THE SURROUNDING DRUG ADDICTS WHO FELL FOR HER. yesterday I sat next to 3 nationals here to work at a camp and one of them irish. Flashes of what mom was like young and new to America. Fucking stupid. I heard her say she hates school and academics. So THAT'S the word hate mom throws around. I can't hear mom's accent but it coming from a stranger is something different. ... the latest - I go get my coffee that's been sitting on the counter and she says I should have put it in the refrigerator. I remind her I'm on my way out anyway so if I die it doesn't matter. Yes social media came along too late otherwise no one would know the inefficiency left in charge of us. Someone to keep a pulse going but quality of life destroyed while people like ace ventura side with my ex boyfriend that something is wrong with me but no one arrested my ex when I was 17 and he was 19 and he was stalking me and wouldn't leave. Yeah nice set up. ... So they're watching Jeopardy and I walk out getting ready to leave. She asks me if I've called back my high school friend who's called twice and I say I haven't had time. and that it's even harder without facebook. As I walk away I tell her "don't not call an insurance lawyer. It's just been so long they may not be able to do anything." She asks "don't you get that from someone you know?" LIFE FUCKING FLASH THAT THIS IS THE CARE WE WERE LEFT TO. I ask her if she knows to call the NJ attorney bar referral and actually I think that is when she asked about asking someone you know. Some how I said to her if she finally sees the royal mess she made out of her children's lives. I then remind her I was right as I kept telling her to call a lawyer as her tenant was not paying her rent but instead of listening to me she listened to her emotionally abusive and uneducated NYC sister that there's all kinds of laws protecting tenants. FUCKING STUPID. SHE'S ALSO LISTENING TO THAT SAME SISTER ABOUT CHRISTINE'S CARE. Oh and when I threw out this concrete example she said "alright" dismissing me because they were watching Jeopardy. This stupidity and lax of a life is nothing new yet I'm the one that's been treated like I have real problems and she's flying under the radar, atleast in NJ. She probably wouldn't get away with it in NY and I think she knows that. Tonight I spit out blood after brushing my teeth gave me a coughing fit - it's not the only place blood comes out of periodically lately. I'm in the dark as to my upper respiratory damage I have that my mother was told I have upon being discharged from the hospital. Do I have upper respiratory damage  from being intubated? What the fuck are my medical conditions? Whatever throat restriction I have after (running laps in high school) I was never excused from gym class. DRUGS! ... ... I wasn't going to have a don't think just drink day but I'm seriously leaning that way. Need to travel soon to close my basement window. Floored by the corruption that failed this life. Not sure what dirty deed mom did after dad died that crashed me. Don't think.just drink. Need to figure out my sleep cycles for the trip. Can't get over the "drug addicts" in this life. The negligence. The recklessness. In the end all for not by deanne m. wilson. ... dream: car left baby sitting in it's car seat in parking lot of grocery store with papers and I called? about it. I looked through papers and found baby's name on small piece of paper stapled in the upper left (where the whole bundle was stapled "SAMIS". (the upper left is significant with my tooth because in the commune dream my ex was hanging out on top of the refrigerator by the ceiling (and that was the upper left corner of the room relative to where I was) before going into the front tv room). This dream gets better because the man involved with this baby looks a lot like Robert Dinero but I have to continue this dream another time. ... I fucking dare these insurance bitches to threaten to close my case because I refuse to meet with them. I had a pediatric nurse evaluate what the last one had to say to me about my deficits and it was CLEAR it was in the insurance best interests. Bring it on bitches. I'd love to get to court. You can also be held liable for my police and hospital injuries. The really sad part in this is the inadequate guardian's repetition NOW of "I don't know." * holding back words * ... don't think. Just drink. Mom's finally ready to stop and listen as I wait for infection to take over? Today she complained to the cleaning lady about the stairs and said it's getting worse yet has repeatedly refused to get a stair lift. That's the pattern over a lifetime as I remember or know of it and no one saved us. Now Claire is in as much denial as her assisted by The Way International whose leader is a Princeton graduate so of course they've been cleared by all NJ courts. Everybody is sleepwalking and I'm paying the price. ... nice try bitches. And I know you're stalking me on social media. You already paid the bill. Get your facts straight. Just send me something in writing you're closing the case and our lawyer will be in touch w you. Your blondie from schenectedy area verbally threatened that and led to me being injured and violated by police and hospitals and destroyed my future. Nice try. ... yeah so there hasn't been more calls other than the start of this week. So did Blondie say she threatened to close the case? Then gave the hospitals seeking payment the wrong  information that you don't cover that type of stuff meanwhile you've paid for all misdiagnoses and correct diagnoses knowing the whole time the wild goose chase I was on? Was she also incorrect about the Omnibus Act claim she made about 1980? Check to see if there's some tie in with Pataki? I wish I had enough strength left in me to look into bad faith insurance but there are certain battles I cant defend myself on. Time is running out too perhaps as I pay attention to symptoms. hmmm $70,000 vs $3,000,000. What would Blondie say to this? Widowed immigrants are just fine without justice: ... signs of sepsis(?) Setting in? Bumps under the skin that are itchy like a bug bite and red itchy patches in some places. Thoughts that the devils mom bargained with was insurance which would have been Sharon Fernandez and Mike Flemming. Thrown away as not having a brain is consistent with older generation irish. Flashbacks of Jeffrey Lapin(?) stating where the term ambulance chaser comes from and knowing I was only repeating what mom taught me and feeling mom got that from Fernandez. No worries with alcohol for the moment. ALL those years mom refused to call a lawyer, is it because she wouldn't know how to explain the devil she bargained with and an unknowing Claire or someone convinced her to call a lawyer over guardianship? Maybe her NYC sister knows but is keeping the secret. Fernandez abruptly retired after hearing from me after my medmal surgery the year graduating college. Like any other night cheers. ... 8/31/15 to the woman sitting behind me in the diner who seemed to utter loudly the word "obnoxious", if that was to me you know not what tree you bark up. You got a slight taste of how I was as a teenager (undiagnosed without proper care and running in circles) with the innocent looking woman sitting across the table from me who's cool attitude comes too little too late from her brain washed older daughter who was court ordered out of the house BECAUSE of the woman who has been kept under the radar. I've had such a bad day I won't say much further. Just go home and drink off the attitudes like yours that failed this life. DRUGS. ... ...9/1/15 duh! Commenting on birds in wind turbines but no mention of massive ecoside caused by hydrofracking. Oh let me guess: It is a new thing and mistakes always happen with new things. The technology is getting better. The stupidity will never end ... similar happens in Indonesia (and other places?) ... today mom got here before me. As we sat down she entered a phase of talking to me conversationally. It's just not in me. I hear Claire talk to her conversationally and that's partly how mom went off the deep end. Anything to not deal with the realities she was responsible for. As mom talked and laughed I didn't join in on the laughter or lightheartedness but kept the conversation going. This is nothing new. ... 9/5/15 - Chris fell again today. When I got there she was busy scooting herself over to the carpet and to the bed. I encouraged her to keep it up as she was getting a workout. When she rested I had to run to the bathroom but like mom she wouldn't lie still for long. So now that this has woken me after an hour and I'm left to drink myself back to sleep back to the story. She's closer to the bed when I get there and she asks me to bring in the kitchen chair. Mom says that's not going to work and we remind her it's worked before (2ce). This time as I notice Chris trying to get up and the mattress is sliding exposing the box spring. She was hung up on getting the chair under her like we did last time but it wasn't working this time. After several tries I was able to help her sit on the box spring and the crisis was over as christine laughed like a child. I noticed a rough corn on the side of christine's toe but not sure if that's the foot that she walks lopsided on. * cringe *. Speaking of child something happened recently which was part of her conversation with me yesterday in which mom asked christine if she wanted to (?) and christine said "no I'm not a baby" which is a new response for christine but nothing new for mom. Mom never grew out of her role as child caretaker and then turned around and lied to a surrogate's court that I was uninvolved in her household for the past 20 years in conjunction with Claire. As christine was having a problem getting up mom said that's why she needs to lose 50 lbs (as if mom never fattened her up) and I say "well the body changes around 35" and then I leaned into her about medically preparing us for changes in life like taking me back to the Children's hospital before I was 18 where they knew my jawbone would deteriorate and I didn't have to go through what I did. ... next day Christine is having more trouble (pain) than usual coming up the stairs but doesn't know how to complain about it. If you talk to Christine as she's coming up the stairs she'll talk back to you with great difficulty unable to express that she needs to wait until she comes all the way up. I do the same. I did the same many times and have suffered tremendously out in the world because of it starting with Ms. New Orleans  Have to wonder if her fall contributed to it. Just waiting for those insurance bitches to threaten to close the case. This time I'm not as vulnerable as I was when Blondie caused yet another wreck. ... mom needs to answer to the dark spot on the floor next to the washer. I told her it's sounding way to loud and all she did was argue with me plus she refuses to get a hearing aid constantly frustrating christine who has supersonic hearing from brain injury (or blind eye?). Don't think. Just drink. ... today mom had to start her shower before the cleaning person got here and it is markedly quiet and peaceful. With a stranger around mom is not making her usual noises of pain and despair. It's fine to be yourself in your own home as you choose. It is NOT FINE when that is imposed on brain injured children who had a right to a peaceful post - hospital life. I had a flashback to when we were in the car and christine turned the radio off for some silence. Mom actually did tell the cleaning person that she has a lot of difficulty getting dressed just now when she walked out but no one is here to witness this stress that ruined lives because mom knows how to play her cards in America. ... 9/9 - threw up after fly buzzing in my ear woke me up from a nap. Threw up from drinking too much but not sleeping it all off coz had to leave early w mom for shopping. The hot food from the store seems to have contributed. I wouldn't have threw up had I slept it all off. Slept from around midnight to 3:30am and then from 5am to 7am. My fucking god this asshole won't get a hearing aid. The cleaning person witnessed her hearing problems and how she made a joke about it. Not fucking funny. Reviewing brain functions and getting depressed. Don't think. Just drink. Protection would be nice. A life w involvement would be nice. Alcohol will suffice. ... mom's having surgery done by one of christine's doctors that supported christine's side for court. Maybe now someone will connect the dots when mom shows up there alone w no family taking her to or from. Maybe not. No one has taken care of this situation for decades and just when deanne m. wilson could have she failed us. ... so this morning we had to listen to all this stress as mom struggled up and down the stairs she refuses to accommodate because w yesterday's shopping the non perishables remained down there which included coffee. ... oh so I get out of bed and mom's still here. Tells me she needs me to drive her with the surgery. I tell her to call Claire. She says Claire has a class. (I forget to tell her the option about her grandsons or son-in-law). I tell her she should have worked that out. That she's not going to go to court and lie about me and then turn around and use me. I think shit hit the fan when she lies that she didn't lie. I remind her she told the court I haven't been involved in this house for 20 years. She lies and says I haven't been. I don't know what she means by "you're living off the ? of the land" but when she starts in about me having to get out I remind her I've been telling her to call the police on me for two years. Guess mom will have to call one of her friends. You're a fucking genius Deanne M. Wilson. ... mom's original doctor told her she shouldn't have surgery. I AGREE! He referred her to christine's doctor supposedly who is in with our emergency room doctor who is responsible for my bent bone who never suggested us go to Italy in the 80s for an osteotomy so I didn't have to miss out on so much. This woman can't even pronounce the medical things about us. FUCKING STUPID! anyone going to save me now? ! Fuck! On this day of 9/11 keep track of the orchestra at least on ABC that before the memorial started there was a story of a runner who wound up diagnosed as bi-polar and zoloft increased her high so much she got paid for sex in sin city. Psychiatry. Not one Bush is a listed name among the dead of the wtc. I'd have to go thru the entire list though to verify. Never forget Bush, etc. connections in Potsdam which is 1.5 hrs away from the Canadian capitol. Someone will be able to connect the dots? ... ... today on 9/13/15 christine is doing a lot of screaming. It started this morn first thing when mom dropped a mug or glass. Growing up it was mom flipping out over things like that and me and christine subjected to craziness and these days I sense mom is purposefully holding back. Christine's 2nd screaming bout occurred while mom was helping her get dressed and I can see why that most likely it's the end result of pent up stress but she's not able to recognize she needs to request a better set up than this house from someone other than mom. ... so after Christine's group activity today mom says again about the dental school and I tell her I know and have known about these things long before her. She wasn't comprehending my right to refuse treatment which I went over last time but didn't even bother again this time. What else is new? ... dream: I / we were going to be landing a plane on an island that was a dot on the map in the ocean. Had to practice breathing exercises to stay alive. Breath went in in in so that I couldn't get air. I started to panic and heart beating fast. Woke up. Maybe that was a dream of sleep apnea in reality. ... what a bunch of bullshit the runner from WISC who believes in undiagnosis and mental illness. I say organic brain health. Did she ever fall from the standing position on a chair to the floor as a two year old? God help this country who doesn't question things like I do. God bless that husband for still being w her even though he's free to leave with infidelity. ... 9/14 mom comes home today asking me things I can do re her surgery tomorrow. AS IF! This is nothing new. Oh Claire has shoulder problems and can't drive. What?! Mom can barely drive with her problems but does it all the time. I have permanent injuries in mine and do it all the time. No response to her having 2 grandsons and a son in law. Oh what Claire is going to have the police come here like she did last time to verify someone is here. What part of I'm not doing this anymore don't they accept? I'm not involving myself. The hospital asked her if she had someone at home. She said she has 2 daughters. No other questions. Oh well. Get involved Claire. Someone stop this surgery. Didn't they learn from the last time this happened? They kept her overnight because there was nothing to verify her going home to. Claire just called back and for the first time I picked up the phone and told Claire she better get her ass in gear and take care of mom tomorrow because I'm not going to be here. I also informed her mom can barely drive with her shoulders and does it all the time. Hung up....  She's now calling Claire and saying about tomorrow. Now mom is telling about DDD. Holy shit! Claire had to ask what DDD is!!!!! Now mom asks about her shoulder. Now she's talking to Claire about other possibilities. I think Claire said no (Claire did say no). Mom reminds her how they kept her overnight last time. Mom is telling Claire it's a "friggin nightmare." Now mom is saying maybe she should have gotten respite for Chris for the week. It's possible mom doesn't plan because that's the life in Ireland she comes from where family takes care and sticks together no matter what. Now mom is talking to DDD which is a problem because of paperwork. Now mom is giving Claire's contact info. ALL THIS FUCKING STRESS! now she is talking about christine's needs to DDD. Claire is a fucking loser when it comes to family. Actually mom taught her how to do that when Claire was 13 and blamed for the accident and Claire turned to drugs. Now I seem like an asshole because I come right out and say what I need to. Mom did ask her what my nephews and her husband were doing and got a no about that. Can you believe what this woman got away with all these years with other children in the home??? No one was here for ALL of us!!! It sounds like she might get someone here for tomorrow. I only want to be comfortably numb right now. Is this how this all ends??? Just watch. Mom won't tell DDD anything about me and I will be barred from coming in the house. I have all I need to end this misery. Should I pick up the extension and make myself be known so this doesn't happen? ... And that I did. I explained who I am and that we were all in an accident long ago and all needed DDD. When the woman said "I'm glad you brought that up because if we need someone to care ..." and I said I just want to make sure they know who I am and the DDD woman said ok (because I won't be here to care for christine). Mom made a bunch of annoying voices in the phone as I was speaking which I used to my advantage to the DDD worker. Mom stopped making the exasperated noises when the woman said what she did. This goes to show mom is a loose cannon without someone else outside the home to bounce things off of. FUCKING STRESS THAT COULD ALL BE AVOIDED W CLAIRE'S INVOLVEMENT WITH FAMILY. mom is painting such an incomplete picture to these people. If only the insides of me could be adequately conveyed :-( ... my original plan was to be here in the morning for christine and mom just has to find her own way. Now it sounds like I just won't be here at all. When I was in california and contacted DDD for myself the woman was ready to spring into action because mom never let her other children be known but once I said I drove across the country she could no longer help me. I'm now in another final countdown. Are we happy now??? Mom's giving info about any meds now. Mom is sounding very pleasant on the phone now and saying Claire is the other designated care giver for christine. SMFH!! No one questions that! I have to wonder if mom ever took her to the doctor the court said she couldn't go to. Phone call ended. I guess I'll hear what the outcome is. Is someone coming here tomorrow? They're not sure yet. (Probably won't be in the morning). I can't believe the sweet sounding asshole Claire is. Recently an article about chrissy hind came out that she takes full responsibility for her part in being raped in ohio 40something years ago. That sounds like an airheaded Claire move. And even with all this I came out to cook some meat that's been in the freezer a long time and had to ask mom about it since she's been our cook all these years and the beat goes on as families do. And that's the way of living mom lied about in court. When we argued about her lies (and she lied about lying) she was refusing to accept her lawyer spoke for her. She can't even summarize what happened in court because she doesn't have a fucking clue.... No one for this week. Will DDD spring into action? Of course not. So christine may just stay home tomorrow. Mom says I should be ashamed of myself. HA! she's not saying that on the phone with Claire who she's on the phone w now! This woman is not capable! DDD suggested canceling the surgery and I'm in total agreement! She won't cancel. Mom is telling Claire now she has tendonitis. Claire doesn't know this already??? Claire said in court she would have modifications to her home when she takes christine in. She may get modifications but she'll put Chris in a group home. I can just see the way this is going and no protection. Just like my car bought with low mileage had 110,000 mile spark plugs go bad at 57,000 miles and I have no one to protect me in suing the car dealer. I recently tried to show them what's wrong when my car downshifts and it's a fucking mess. Next time I take a long drive I'm going to have the check engine light flash again when I'm in the middle of no place. That's not even the whole story. We are just fucked and completely taken advantage of.  What a fucking Liar that no one is taking care of. This is much stress. DANGER - I will be gone overnight and if christine falls when she wakes up 1. She has to hope mom hears her and 2 by the time mom does mom can call the police but most important christine will let herself out 45 minutes after mom leaves. If she falls there will be no one here. When I said to mom about falling she did her usual that it's only happened a couple of times just like she ignored me growing up how cold I was in my room and years later when a worker was here (for electric garage door installation?) he informed her there was no insulation in between the garage and the bedroom upstairs and has anyone sleeping above complained. She told me she gave him the same answer (of "a few times). Get the fuck out of this country already. I have taken all the heat for this loose fucking cannon. ...  So mom's friend Marie just called. Have to wonder if she's in my audience. I need to nap before I leave for the night. ... still not asleep. ... and here I am awake overnight. ... oh and after I ran some errands and brought home dinner I said to her before I took my dinner in my room "so why shouldn't Claire be ashamed of herself? because she has a husband and got her life together outside of this house?" NO RESPONSE (of course). I only look forward to the next  time I am numb. Oh shit I have to pay bills before it's too late in the month. ... it's funny the places the mind will go when it can't make sense of life around its host. Maybe it's time to put on some Eminem instead of the songs that are part of my childhood. Yeah so that mind wandering. The places it goes. Brain trauma and recognition. Some people need to get a clue about reality. Fucking reality. ... If by any chance one or both of my nephews were here and I didn't recognize them that would actually be a good thing. I want no talking without legal assistance. This is insane in this day and age and the vacuum in Claire's head just keeps getting stronger. I will not have this life without legal things taken care of. A lawyer understands what is so missing in this equation. smh. I have to go through all this anxiety because of all the things not taken care of that I have been trying for years to take care of? only to be blown sky high by air? ... in the past 16 hours (?) 4th R metatarsal has turned purple. Blood collection? I'm pretty sure I broke the 5th mtatarsal on same side about 4 years ago when no-fault orthepedic shoes caused me to roll onto my toe. I so worry about christine because her foot as she walks has made the shoe roll out. I've already told mom about it. 5th metatarsal healed completely with natural help from my chiropractor. Foot doc said I dodged a bullet because many times toes don't heal correctly. ... :-O mom's surgery was cancelled. Can't wait to hear how this happened. ... it wasn't cancelled for any reasons I was thinking. It was becoz of an unknown medical condition discovered before surgery. So all the pre testing mom went for didn't catch this. Go figure. ... seems to be more purple after I walk on it. Purple seems to slowly fade w sitting here and leg raised. No real pain.'s on the phone with Claire and it sounds like mom already let her know she had surgery cancelled. Mom has a bacterial infection in the leg she had operated on 15 years ago. The time she made an ass out of herself in PT afterwards and embarrassed even the physical therapist. I have to wonder if she is 5 years overdue in having her knee replacement replaced and that's how she got a bacterial infection. Claire knows someone who has cancer? In her younger days of The Way they would just lay hands on and cure - Tis what I'm saying that she got pulled into a sect by simply witnessing some wiccan activity. Now mom is talking about her compression stockings which she doesn't have the knowledge about them working improperly w a whole bunch of runs in them becoz mom has no one here to help her, doesn't use gloves to put her stockings on, and is uneducated about insufficient stockings. ... now I notice the toe is painful if I push it from the underside with the other foot. Mom calls an electrician and he changed a lightbulb. Is that all he's here for? She can't ask her grandson to do it? ... I am so tired of childish behaviors, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. Toe has been in broken toe boot for the last 7 hours. No change. Still purple and pain when stimulated from underneath. ... INSURANCE BITCHES: funny your letter to us did not cite a NJ law like your phone msg did. I was astounded my mother contemplated calling you to tell you things are getting worse not better. It sounds like you have been feeding off her lack of knowledge about insurance. Things wouldn't be worse if her youngest child's intelligence wasn't ignored. Did you play a part in that too? You taught her the word "ambulance chaser" via Sharon Fernandez so instead of us having lawyer protection all these years - I'm onto you. We'll go to court and blondie will take the stand about when she threatened to close the case on 2/14/04. Your letter states you need to evaluate our medical needs - well blondie pulled out of evaluating my needs by witnessing tthe state of my house, threatened to close the case when I flipped out about it, and then police used the state house against me BITCHES. you may deceive many including DAWN but not me. You're not meeting w me. My mother's lack may sink us all. What else is new? She's a dream come true for you. ... another dream that ended in it being hard to breathe - only remember lots of people and pronouncing "Ronkonkoma" correctly. Woke to mom's usual noises of pain and despair. ... I forget how the conversation started but mom said - lost my thought. Oh I remember. Organ harvesting and Carly Fiorina. I forget how the conversation started but I told she will want to pay attention because my license says I'm an organ donor and they keep you alive until they remove your organs so I'm not sure how wakes and funerals work. ... I am so fucking stressed. Letting go of breath is ant-natural (so it feels) but I'm tired of how taken advantage I am of my verizon landline and lemon car I was sold and an entire record of no justice due to a loose cannon immigrant. Blood is coming out of my nose probably because of infection. It just hit me Gloria Estafan is probably an illegal immigrant. Not sure what bargain w the devil she and her mother made from cuba. ... 9/17 chest pains ... next day. Another moment of another day in the life for the past 30 years. I point out to christine that wheel of fortune is still on (after they get home from eating out) so Christine sits down for enjoyment and as usual from mom still downstairs our peace is rocked by "SHIT!" these days christine's voice sounds annoyed rather concerned and she asks "what?" Mom admits it was a mistake she made that she hit the garage door opener forgetting she already closed it. This is 1 craziness we've lived over the past 30+ years. ... so insurance is heating up with certified letters. I don't have to accept mine. Oh and my bad the voicemail didn't cite a NJ law. It said the State of NJ is requesting this tied in for medicare purposes. Of all the things my mother didn't know. Of all the things I don't know but I just know I am not going to be a victim of Blondie's replacement. You have all you need from my medical records. You don't have to meet with me so you can hand me a load of shit like Blondie did. Of all the protection we don't have. smh ... good site ... ... i am so onto insurance in all of my surroundings. I don't think Claire is. I think I heard a familiar voice today. ... Thank you! "Wouldn’t it be something if the insurance company claims adjusters who play games with peoples’ lives and cause incredible hardships and additional sufferings would also be punished for the fraud they commit (instead of being financially rewarded by the companies they work for)?" ... ... 2 things today: 1. Aarp is bought by special interests based on its article about how psychiatric drugs provide emotional freedom and 2(earlier) an anchor baby plan didn't work out for one of the Mexican "migrants" newly employed around here. Not to sound insensitive but the usa is becoming communist(?) ... mom's taking Chris to a function today but b4 I go back to sleep I ask her if she knows what an anchor baby is. Never heard and asked me where I heard from. I said Trump Android Jeb Bush agreed. Defensively mom said "well she's Spanish but that doesn't mean she's from Mexico." I informed her. I asked if Claire talks about Bush like she used to. Nope. The point to all this is Claire doesn't conversate with her mother like she did w me and I sense Claire doesn't have the faith in mom to adequately raise 2 medically needy children like she did (1 son) yet all of that was hypocricized in court just to please her husband in having me alienated from my sister I lived in a Children's hospital with. ... my L leg has developed an easy cramp. L foot / ankle seemed swollen more than usual. ... deciding not to go out today. Wonder if my nephews google their name. Wonder if they read my writings. Wonder if this is all for not. ... guliani/Bush is behind my freakshow. Is anyone going to give me back my life before I die? Chest pains/discomfort coming in the house last night. I'm in my favorite time of day - numb. ... hasn't anyone noticed the weather is like it was around 9/11? ... cool dream. Got to see my 2 closest friends from high school. One was same but we had trouble hugging bcoz of my weight gain and breasts were in the way. The other was distant and I don't remember if she was cold per say but I wanted to catch up so I proceeded to talk about me with enthusiasm and asked about her. She was forlorn and disconnected. ... so I thought I was freed from the freakshow. Not. The usual after being set up at the chiropractor and then when done out and about tonight (in my car?). I thought someone would set me free from this after 14 years. Cherrs. Someone has bad karma coming back on them coz I was totally innocent. And seeing the rat on tv carrying the pizza downstairs reminded me of another dream I had that all of a sudden I saw a gray ball of four moving on a kitchen counter (?) and I was so taken aback I had a hard time verbalizing to who I was around. Some time between 3pm yesterday and now, there is now a purple mark on my L foot about .5 to 1 pinch from big toe. Anyone can save me at anytime. ... freakshow when up out of bed walking (or already in?) kitchen. Here it is again. Fucking save me already. ... this pope hoopla is insane to the point it has alternative reasons behind it. ... had chest pains 2 hours apart today. Saw a native american woman with her white male partner with hair like I'll have - down to my ankles. Brought me back to a sex partner I had no problem kicking to the curb after he made me drive home high and drunk instead of making an exception in allowing me to sleep it off. He is the member of sex parties put on by a couple in which (if I remember right) the wife is native. I would have loved this experience at least once but his idiot ways put an end to it. ... the only time of day I have to look forward to lately has arrived. Getting numb. This pope situation is STIIINCKYYY. obama has an aunt from kenya living here illegally in massachusettes government housing. I believe that's how he got the pope to not mention illegal immigrants. Another thought is that the Illuminati is English speaking however this pope has a hard time speaking English. ... fucking phone / mom woke me up after an hour. All set to sleep for the night and awake after 45 mins. WTF??!! ... this morn mom complained when christine reminded her what time it really is and mom said "I can't deal with this anymore." I'm not repeating myself just to be met with stupidity in America (aka GET YOUR ASS BACK TO THE SURROGATE'S COURT, BE FUCKING HONEST, AND INCLUDE ME IN CHRISTINE'S CARE. FIX YOUR MISTAKE STUPID BITCH. DID YOU FORGET I HAVE UNTREATED DENTAL WORK AND HAVE ALTERED MY DIET TO BE DONE WITH YOUR SHIT???). ... right on Whoopi Goldberg!!! "if you're going to end abortions you need to end wars." CNN Whoopi one-on-one. ... no surprise: ... so this morning I had a flashback to how I learned something about personal care from my mother. When something fell on the floor there was this freak out way of teaching me right from wrong. The flashback came when I noticed Christine start to do something similar to me. Now that mom can't take care of Christine like she did Christine doesn't know these things herself. The heartbreak of me and the apathy of Morris County Family court that instead of getting better with modern medical brain injury things available, Christine is left to regress. I particularly think about hyberbaric oxygen therapy that she could at least be evaluated for. In California they place the whole body in the chamber. In local hospitals I've only seen shallow  individual injuries for treatment. Before court, when Christine got evaluated, the doctor said no to a therapy dog for Christine but I know the good having that new life around. Oh and when mom was.verbalizing her usual pain noises and despair saying it's horrible I reminded her what's horrible is not getting help and driving everyone else crazy and she "wonders why her children are autistic." which isn't really true - she just feels shame for her shortfalls in America and then goes into court and lies. She doesn't even use brains to accept her children in America. Saw someone tonight that could so pass for the last best friend I had but when I looked in those eyes not only were they blue instead of green but it just couldn't be her. The body type and face profile all passed. I suffered as she and her next best friend fell into an illusion that irish guys are nice based on their accents which led to divorce and break up. Does loss of consortium apply also to all the friends lost due to injury? Doesn't matter now. I'm in my numb time of day. ... round 2. Mom hears water running and asks if anyone else does. Christine informs her it's the toilet she's standing next to. I open my door to tell her it has been sounding worse but she doesn't know because she doesn't have a hearing aid. Just like if the stair railings failed without me saying something, when the toilet goes she would go on and on acting like she doesn't have a clue just like when my fellow high school graduate cop came in here and she acted like christine's pain coming up the stairs was something new. That old best friend look alike(?) last night acted the same as many of my other classmates in actually being interested in catholicism / the pope on tv. Meanwhile I had my earphones blaring as I am all too aware of and SO different than what I was brought up in catholicism. I'm actually kind of taken aback that my former classmates still follow catholicism. They never saw its deception or just decided it's the easier way to go. How cold it's been both at home and out in the world for a child released from the hospital dependent on the sole care released to and then seeing the possible old best friend be touchy feely with her husband while I watch. Imagine how I feel. Claire already wrote christine off as not capable of having a sex life. Claire is A LOT LIKE these old classmates of mine as this N.E. corner of the country is all they know. One of my classmates used to talk about Colorado and I don't know why I associate him with NASA but I wonder if that's what he did. I can't remember what I found on facebook last time I could get into FB. And the beat goes on. ... Flashbacks to the uncomfortable times growing up when Claire was being blamed for the accident but mom's alternate personality (?) kept up the old irish way of joking and Claire would act the opposite to the point of being rude. Now mom is acting the same way with me and I act like Claire did as mom tells me something that happened funny today (and I don't look up or join in on the conversation or even acknowledge. Mom's worst thought was not working and now that she's been forced into retirement she wouldn't want to be here alone. She's got to do something with herself so she got herself involved in christine's groups. That's the asshole I've mentioned before that drops her shit as she needs and no one sees it or smells it til they're walking in it after falling into it. Nice going morris county surrogate's court. This woman has real issues and you only made the children suffer even further. And as I hear her conversate to the Italian mama of a child with down syndrome I visibly Smh as I hear this hypocrite talk about another handicapped person she sees nothing wrong with that they're happy in activities in a group home. I'm sitting right there. Is it her way of tellingds me she's sending christine to the always dreaded institutions? I don't even feel like going about my day now. This piece of shit in America has been worse than unfair to us being left to be cared for. No fault is fine with it. The fat phobic mediator is deceived by it like so many others. To go on w/ my day or not? Someone has been talking to christine about a group home. I just asked her if she's ok living in one and she said yes "when mom can't take care of her anymore. " I reminded her all the yelling and frustration means she can't take care of her now. I then aske - oh wait originally she said it was ok when mom goes away and I clarified. Eventually I asked her if she knows what a group home is and her textbook answer is what revealed to me someone has been preparing her for this. What preparation did I get? Zilch - only a grave to wait for. The cunt sitting on the bench in morristown denied reconsideration which requested family counseling so we could all be prepared so in the end two people might wind up going to their graves. I will not be silenced or ignored while airhead is sitting there under her dogma about decision-making that completely omits the medical deficiencies of such things. Bring it on because I will not have all the reality I know go to fucking waste. Time to cancel my plans for the day and get numb. Something really feels off about what this woman said to her Italian mama friend today. I also told christine if she goes to a group home she'll never see me again. Unlike months ago there was no response. When mom came home I asked where she went and she said the bank and the store. I said we just went shopping yesterday why did she go to the store. She said she didn't buy anything and dodged me from there and I warned her if she's keeping any secrets from me. I can't remember my dream from this morning and it faded soon after I woke up but it involved a tall slender man in a business shirt w pinkish stripes. I think it was set off by a pic I saw on the tv last night of oj simpsons perfectly muscled arms around Nicole. A nice pic from their happy days. ... g ... so mom got a medical chair delivered today. When I walk out she's looking at me which means she's either going to talk about it or ask me about it but she doesn't say anything. Returning her stare I pull a Claire from long ago and say "what?" This woman has no one here in her retirement and shits on me and assumed I'm going to be here for her. That's the "play dumb" she uses to get through life even w her children. ... That's insane! hahahaha? incredibly insane. ... exactly my thoughts for a certain jealous, crotch-weilding female who reminds me sort of, of one of those short lying italian mamas that are hormonally OFF: "Never let criticism from others bring you down.  People who take shots at others are doing so because they have issues within their own lives." ... Writing for law review is one element. to succeed in a job some lie and cheat. More prominent points: ... and the sad games have begun while a life waits to die. Pataki is purported to condemn snowden while Monica lewinsky has found the answer to this electronic box while bill talks about how much of a good job his yoked wife has done for ny. Mark my words as my infection spreads. I think it was during my many hours of legal research that I came across how Clinton made the 90s the decade of the brain which created a plethura of new problems with psychiatry and psychiatric drugs. Christine's seizure meds have declined her immune system that she regularly gets allergies. There are natural alternatives for her. Her life didn't have to be thrown away like this. Then again it could be caused by chemtrails. More later on my gag reflex and mom's oblivion. So before I went to brush my teeth plugged in my phone and had one of those over-coughs which sometimes I feel sick after and have lots of saliva in my mouth I need to spit out. Sometimes I throw up and by the time I got to the bathroom it felt like one of those times. Like clockwork mom asks if I could bring the money to the door when the takeout arrives. I get out the words that I'm not feeling well. Mom goes down and unlocks the door. After my teeth are brushed I walk by mom and she asks "i thought you weren't feeling well" and I said "never mind you're not going to understand" after I started to try. I then opened the bathroom door and explained "those upper respiratory problems I left the hospital long ago are now a problem that you never took care of. Like in high school after running laps I was the only one standing there holding in my throat in pain and there were no medical notes excusing me from gym class." SILENCE. "that's how out of touch you are medically with your children in america." I think she started to do her frivolous defense at the "running laps" clinging to the newest phrase that pays "the past is the past" and THAT'S the danger of airhead Claire who also was not there when these things were happening to me. Then there's the morons at the court who act like Christine going 17 years with untreated seizures is neither here nor there when in reality untreated seizures worsen brain damage. Interaction that happens at any time that is no fair: mom puts christine's dinner on a plate but mom can't move like she used to. She's bent over her walker with Christine's plate of food in her hand pushing her walker the best she can and she asks Christine if she has a napkin. Christine says no and mom outbursts and Christine reacts to being a pain in the ass by making the same annoyed noise that Claire said was driving her sons too nuts and she could never have Christine back again to take care of. Part of mom's outburst is "well i hope there's one on the table!" Christine verbally fights back in defense at this point. IT IS NO FUCKING FAIR THIS INCOMPETENT CARE WE'VE BEEN LEFT TO WHILE CLAIRE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THE PROFOUND NEEDS ME AND CHRISTINE HAVE. ... there's a reason CNN is showing the dark side of LDS in Utah. It could go a couple different ways. According to Claire's way of thinking, Utah is in danger of the tar sands because of the sin that exists there. Then there's a majority that out of sympathy will start paying attention to Utah. idk it could go different ways but fyi i studied with mormons and i have come to know that during the civil war there was polygamy to carry on the families for those whose husbands had to go to war and it was only ever supposed to be a time period thing. ... Nice. Now just to hope it's used as will be well. They're not corrupt-free I hope some get to regrow their hemp crops. ... flashback to when dad did something for me when I was upset over the little girl at the lake who was rude to me over the scares on my back. Dad took me (?) to the dr for a remedy. Mom couldn't do shit for us in this country bcoz she is aloof. No compensation for what I've gone thru over having a limp. EAT SHIT AND DIE ITALIAN MAMAS WHO INDULY INFLUENCED THIS LOOSE CANNON. ... is anyone hearing me yet? Anyone to compensate me for the my loss of life? Anyone care? I'm prob going to knock off a routine with sleep. Yesterday I woke up 7 minutes from now so I'm prob going to be up overnight and use the laptop 1st thing in the morn and tell mom if Chris falls call me. Time is 3:44 pm 10/1/15. Going back to sleep soon. ... mom has a condition that requires her to keep her legs raised which she "doesn't have time and is always on the go." Mom gave no sign before it was discovered. No symptoms. Mom has better bone density than her early 30ish(?) doctor. She's a medical mystery but that does not provide for the profound brain injury needs of her children :-( ... if I read right it looks like the bitches stopped paying my chiropractor. I'm still not meeting with you. Either mom will do what she knows nothing about and call a lawyer (the one I gave her that's listed on G+, I'll just stop treatment, or I'll be dead and it wont' matter anyway. The pain and swelling in my left ankle isn't going away which isn't usual. I forget if I stopped wearing compression socks in California or when I got back. Even without them the swelling goes down to manageable. that's not what happened this time. And that's how witchcraft / black magic is real. Cast a spell to make food get caught suddenly so that a tooth breaks and then turn around and lie to someone will fall for it and say they're all about love (HA!). I could have sworn I heard the cluelessness of Claire in my in my head the other day. The sweet sounding calm voice that pulls in air as legal rights go out the fucking window. You don't exchange your legal rights for a spiritual life but I guess it was all set up for Claire to fall for anyway. It's just like because Claire does taxes she feels she knows the receivers of rolling jubilee will run into tax problems because of a gift. WRONG. She's not a lawyer. ... sent HELP msgs out to law firm but they're not an interactive office. They may never see it. do I cancel my appts with doctor who is willing to treat me at no charge??? I can't accept the fucking idiot (in this regard) we were left to and I can't do it myself. A woman whose NYC tenant left without paying MONTHS in rent becoz her NYC sister kept telling her about laws protecting tenants INSTEAD OF LISTENING TO ME AND CALLING A LAWYER. ... ear(s) keep popping all day long. I guess just another symptom. I get such an adrenaline rush of rage this stupid asshole who raised us is going to wind up dead by my hand if I don't wind up dead first. Woke up and she's sitting in the medical chair with legs down in the dark. The day a year or more ago I met with her Italian mama for lunch is the day her house (or the house her daughter owns) was robbed. Of course I thought it to be related but kept that to myself. Someone's going to die due to the negligence and oversight of Italian mamas. ... I really have the wind knocked out of me by what this loose cannon did and the Italian mama who got her there. Italian mama is a phrase I only know from mom. Just like when Claire first got involved with The Way mom would say to me (as if I should know) "she's with these Guinnies(sp)!" I can't deal with this legal oversight of children. Deanne M. wilson said "you can file you own..." and a lawyer told me she didn't finish her sentence because she would have proven herself wrong. We just had a blowout with Claire on the phone 3:35pm 10/8/15. Since mom won't get a hearing aid she didn't hear christine calling. Mom left her wheels outside her car obstructing christine's ability to get in the house. As usual mom kept asking what was wrong but instead of answering I kept saying "get a fucking hearing aid and find out." Until finally mom's disregard escalated my restless and strung out existence and started screaming at her all kinds of vulgarities and mom was loving it that Claire could hear all this so I fed into Claire hearing what she's never here to witness yet since her undiagnosis can't handle stress and "excitement" she goes into court under the protection of a Princeton graduate and lies. During this phone episode I remind mom where I learned the phrase guiney and Italian mama and mom looks surprised but does her usual disregard which only escalates me even more. Christine does the same. Here comes the alcohol OR SOMEONE COULD SAVE THIS LIFE BEFORE INFECTION TAKES TOTALLY OVER. when I wouldn't answer mom she told Claire she has to call her back and there was a hesitation before they said goodbye. Disregard for me and christine's well being is being used against me while these fucking drug addicts sleep walk. ... a fellow brain injury survivor I met once but left a lasting impact. ... flashback to the toy oven I so wanted to make the food mom wouldn't let me cook. This was a toy oven that today you can buy the ¢.25 or ¢.50 mini pies. Mom wouldn't allow me to have a toy oven or an atari. That had far reaching impacts on this adult. The tony oven would have put me in an appropriate voc-tech and the atari would have given needed brain exercise at a young and newly injured brain. Mom wouldn't let me do anything and that's exactly what she's done to christine after christine fell backwards while doing dishes and was finally put on seizure meds 17 years after seizures started and about 8 years after I tried to take Chris to her NYC doctor for a proper diagnosis. In hindsight someone brainwashed mom regarding the movie Rainman when she threatened kidnapping. So anyway I don't think Claire today heard the actual reason for the blowout: mom can't properly care for her children without a hearing aid. Mom's demeanor to the hearing aid was a childish "yeah yeah yeah" and then even more childishness by holding out the phone so Claire could hear it meanwhile the livelihoods of children in America are being thrown away. I can picture Claire resuming smoking because she didn't expect for this issue not to die. Claire is way too undiagnosed and deep into The Way International to connect the dots of reality she's been running from. If I'm going down in this neglected ignored pile of shit, I can guarantee there will be others going down with me. I refuse to live in unreality and what's easiest. ... have to wonder if he'd be vandalized for suddenly becoming injured freaks like we were. No justice. No forgiveness: ... so what has happened over the past couple days? Christine is more verbal with the problems she is having coming up the stairs and I asked her if she's ever rode a chair up a stairs and she said yes. I told her that's why she needs to request me included in her care because mom is not going to get that for her. What else? One day as Christine was coming up the stairs she made a noise she usually makes before or during a fall. Sure enough she tells me that she almost lost her balance coming up the stairs. (It's only a matter of time and no one is paying attention to me). Mom's inability to stay quiet so those around her can have peace continues every day. ... dream: I was standing in line at a bank(?) waiting to meet James Novak and there was a lot of open space ahead of me before reaching the wood oak expensive - looking counter and the man standing at the other end of the line was him but had no idea it was me when we caught eye contact. I was sophisticatly dressed. Only other time he's been in a dream is when he gave me the silent treatment in real life as he did in the dream so in the dream I started talking up a storm to the 2 people who came over and sat with us while he just sat there in silence which made a marked questionable impression on me. ... I'm pretty sure mom waited for me to leave the house tonight to call Claire back. I even asked her if she called her back. I just can't handle the coldness of this family not dealing TOGETHER and my brother-in-law's privileges through the Way International of Patriarchy. I just can't deal with this and I have to wonder if it's an alternate personality that comes in and takes over for the isolated one that was forced to grow up without sisters after injury, etc. just like Mom says things without recall. That's a symptom of an alternate. ... actually some other things that happened these past couple days is that mom happened to see Judge Judy with Judge Judy giving out for someone to get a job and mom gives a hmph and I say well maybe she's not talking to someone with a brain injury. Mom turned the channel quick from Judge Judy the next time I was happening upon her watching. I just cant take this disconnect of responsibility and that doesn't even describe it all. ... I'm just not into being here tonight. Leaving after less than 3 hours. Emotional distress? ... 10-14 long dream with christy from high school w a lot going on but don't remember dream. ... ... 10/17 - can't sleep all night.out of alcohol. In my final run of life I'm just going to be a porn watching queen. My last ditch effort at getting attention. It's nothing I haven't done before. One must watch the bait they take. It's not like I wouldn't want my own little porno to make but I need a partner first and libido is not a problem but feeling unattractive is. Ho hum :-( ... so tonight I asked mom where Aunt maureen was at 8pm because that's the time she calls every night and mom denied it. THE STUPIDITY WE NEVER BELONGED BEING BROUGHT UP AROUND AND REGARDLESS OF CLAIRE'S BRAINWASHING IT PAID OFF TO THE BENEFIT OF DENIAL LEAVING CLAIRE A  COMPLETE HYPOCRITE FOR THE SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD SHE RAISED GIVING THEM WHAT THEY NEEDED UNLIKE WHAT i HAVE. Tonight's tension all started out with me asking the name of the Irish program she watched last night and I told her I would be watching it online. That I heard one line ("a daughter disowned her mother") that reveals everything about the old celtic fear and paranoia that makes her completely inappropriate for raising medically needy children in America. Her defense was "that was a hundred years ago" and I said "and it's still you today" (paraphrase); that she goes into court and lies saying I'm after Christine's money and mom gives no response. I remind her her attorney said it she had her attorney lie for her. Fucking oblivious. Christine's verbalization of pain and frustration is only getting louder as she is coming up the stairs and during her  personal caare as well. Sometimes mom will yell "are you alright?" and Christine frustratingly answers "yes!" What else is she going to do? I did the same with mom who either freaks out because it's subject matter she's not capable of taking care of or it's just unfamiliar territory to her. Yes this is the result of the smut in family court. ... 10/22 my writing earlier never came out because my phone died after 2 hrs again. I really need a new battery (?). Feeling voidful and lack of sleep doesn't help. My real bday is this month but I haven't celebrated a bday in god knows how long. That's the hindsight tragedy of not having a father around for a 17 year old developmentally disabled dating a 19 yr old. Hopefully my current alcohol intake will put me to sleep for more than 2 hours. When I studied with a jehovah's witness bdays and holidays didn't matter. ... so mom still does mom things in letting Claire know about a job fair in Bergan county tomorrow. She mentions how job fair is how my "anticipated murderer" cousin is how he got his job with the govt as an engineer. My other cousin's accounting degree got them a job with the fbi. I have been nothing but compared to non-injured people. Not brushing my teeth for the past 1.5 days will aid infection. Turns out robodick is finding out what I already knew - that his business will go out of business as work slows because my B.S. degree will become high school graduate material. SOMEONE SAVE ME. or not. ... I could have killed this jackass today but instead of pushing her down the stairs I threw her walker down the stairs after her old fashioned immigrant shit devalued all I've ever been put thru because of her. Instead of medically taking care of me this is the sadness she has created. I get woken up to her ongoing shit pain she's in as Claire is robocalling the house. She then says the problems with the stairs and I say again to her about how to fix the problem. She SCREAMS annoyed by me bringing it up and says she's not going to because she's leaving the house and I say she's been saying that for the past 30 or more years. I can't remember what shit she started spewing but all I know is my life w christine is flashing before my eyes as her latest shit prob from the Italian mama is that she's calling a lawyer to get me out. She starts in her shit about I was gone from here for 20 years and I remind her I didn't stay here to watch christine go 20 years with untreated seizures and then all she could do was listen to a movie (with dustin hoffman which I never saw that '88 movie until 2015) and accuse me of kidnapping. As she walked away I hit her in the back just like long ago Claire jumped on her back on the driveway when Claire was dating Alan. She turns ... I have to finish this later but the walker was thrown down the landing after her ass was down the stairs. ... and I just lost everything I typed due to many factors. I left the house leaving mom's walker on the landing for the third time today. Take that harassment. I'm not playing with these people. I am NOT playing but that's how Claire and Mom act.
... and I just lost everything I typed due to many factors. I left the house leaving mom's walker on the landing for the third time today. Take that harassment. I'm not playing with these people. I am NOT playing but that's how Claire and Mom act. So back to what happened today 10/23/15. After stopping typing before saying I'd have to get back to this later, I went out and asked mom if she remembers when Claire jumped on her back years ago in the driveway and mom's glasses flew off her face and mom ignores me going down the stairs asking "is that Christine?" Her walker gets thrown down the stairs. Nice going bitch. She says she's going to try the elevator. Stupid bitch. I can't get this out again. Need to try this some other time. All I know is this cunt went to a Christine function tonight and I'm going to kill this harassing bitch who thinks she's fucking funny and these Italian mamas are only making this come to an apex even faster. A lawyer the other day even said to me. Never mind. I just know this cunt is asking for the problems I'm going to bring to her if this situation is not taken care of. I'm so pissed off I'm about to cancel my plans for tonight of sitting here and go home and drink it off of whatever cunts did this to children. ... first words to mom when I walk in "I guess you're finding out what medical harassment is." No response. For reasons I can only guess were because of Claire's robocalls mom got the elevator working for christine. She spent a period of time talking to the bus driver and I can only guess it was to cover her tracks about lifts and elevators. I know what was wrong with the elevator because I broke it in 1986/7 - or rather me with various girls and guys broke it while mom was away. For over 25 years this woman has grown comfortable with she's not going to fix it as she doesn't need to get stuck here if the power goes out. This woman lives with an electric garage door which is her only way into the house. She lies and says they had it serviced w her infamous "couple of years ago." That's not even the half of what this idiot has done. Harassment is what she recognizes best? Harassment she will get. My latest symptom is an internal chill. It's not goosebumps just like the itchy rashes are not goosebumps per se but skin risings from under. I guess it's like an internal shutter. ... so after one hour of sleep and onto another round I'll try this again. Been having visions lately I'm going to drive through someone's house. There goes a communication wall. At one point when mom was spewing her shit I picked up a mug in front of me as if to throw it at her and she winced. I let her know what she already knows that it's a normal brain injury symptom of which I'm being discriminated against that the surrogate's court was supposed to protect me from. Gee I'm able to overcome those compulsivity obstacles. Shouldn't someone be proud of me? :'( can't get anymore out right now. Need more alcohol. ... from the beginning. Mom says she's going to see if the elevator works and I say it's not going to work that I know what is wrong with it. As she is getting to the bottom of the stairs she spews her childish shit of "a couple years ago. Right christine?" In other words she's telling christine to lie. I remind christine she can't come up the stairs without mom coming first because her walker is in the way. At one point mom hesitates on the elevator and christine says she'll be ok coming up the stairs (that's compliant christine). In over 25 years I soon hear the elevator move (it went down and then brought Christine up). Then mom's next move was to lie about the elevator being serviced. Since I've been here since my failed CO attempt in 8/13 we've had many fights over the elevator / stairs situation. Oh and she suddenly comes out and says she got it serviced. Riiiiiggghhtt. SLAP!you stupid bitch. The problem with it was the inner door wasn't closing all the way and it won't move unless it's shuts completely. I don't know what she did or what's been done the many hours I've been out of the house but I have good reason to push this useless immigrant down the stairs and be done with her. She even had christine say to me that mom's said they should use the elevator but Chris couldn't tell me when or under what circumstances. This useless cunt may have been raised in a lifestyle of children being left to grope in the dark while authority never told them relevant information but in case no one has told her and her living sister in America, shape up or ship out of a land you're not getting ESPECIALLY when it comes to medically needy children. Her sister that died in America 19 years ago was the only alcoholic whose husband's wake I have flashes of memory about from pre-coma memories. I wonder if she was just one of the most honest of the 7 sisters that part of her alcoholism was the abusive ways of these emotional no-gooders in America. Something tells me she was not necessarily a damaged child. She did have the misperception before coming here that Americans shave their eyebrows. She had the face of an 80s Boy George (kind of) but she surpassed my mother in weight. And that brings to mind the lies of America we live in. I think there were only 2 sisters who didn't put on weight post children. One of them is the sister that had to live across the country for polio treatment. I only learned in the past 2 years she's on thyroid medication for life (she may have mentioned it slighly in the past). The medical community knew that about her but keeps their secrets from americans how much modern life needs thyroid support. The youngest also didn't put on weight but I think I understand why. So that's 3 out of 7 that did not. ... fucking great. 15 minutes of sleep with a dream mom laid down to sleep on her back on a chair which she's not able to do and her body was shaking from sleep breathing and I wake up to a freak show. Onto round 3. ... and I just lost everything I wrote due to bad phone battery. I've been visiting a lot of child rape sites recently as it's something I can relate to. Getting all my sleep now so as to not be here tomorrow when robodick or my nephews are here moving stuff out of the room where the elevator is. I'm out of time and out of patience and know where they live and if they move I know how to hunt them down. This Italian mama bullshit that cut Claire's legal rights out of her life and infiltrated and fed into mom's denial will be the reason I kill her. How's that for an orgasm? This town that should have been sued only had it's ass kissed by Claire and mom in the end. The lawyer who did the request for reconsideration did so for ulterior motives as evidenced by his inability to return my phone calls over a two year period. I remember him talking down to me as if I were just another silly butler kid. Claire robocalled the house today like I used to when I was so desperately trying to salvage this life to what it used to be. Mom acted today the way she did yesterday and christine so desperately trying to calm mom. I'm not sure I covered everything I lost. I got woken up by mom screaming about the phone ringing as she was struggling up the stairs with groceries which is how things went down yesterday. Name of the attorney not calling this life back is Joseph Ragno. I called a lawyer 20 miles from here with the same maiden name and the first thing they said to me is their hourly rate. That most likely means they know who I am and how to get rid of me quickly. ... Claire's first conversation with mom was about her availability during the week and I heard her say "hospital" and when I confronted her about it she couldn't remember and said it was probably to visit someone. Keep it up bitch. I'm nearing the end. Part of the potential shit mom started spewing sitting across the table from me after I picked up the mug is that dad left everything to her (after I brought up not having any protection) and I told her to shut up - it's too much stress trying to decipher her lies and truth. She talks a lot about giving things to charity (I particularly remember her verbalizing to the vet when my dog was put down to give her leash to charity after mom witnessed what I did 14 years earlier when Claire's dog was put down) so she's pretty much giving away what she did with all dad left her. All of this is done with the profound denial of profound brain injury needs just like the reconsideration lawyer who instead of advocating for impaired decision-making simply catered his argument to omit this. My mother's decision-making is that worse if she didn't see the danger in christine's 17 year mistreatment. Not having the knowledge is one thing but not seeking help for it is another impaired decision-making move on top of following what a movie says about the situation. ... left big toe hurts. Same one nail matrix was destroyed when I was homeless which is synonymous with left index finger of which ER records said was previously fractured and mom and dad never took me to a doctor for. Pre coma finger was smashed in front outer door of house. I'm guessing she was so mad at or ashamed of me it overtook her decision to take me to a doctor. ... was up early enough this morning to go to a breakfast mom and Christine go to periodically where there is a parent of one of Christine's pre-accident classmates. He had no idea who I was until mom said who I was. There's a marked difference between people meeting me for the first time and those who knew me - the difference being "What happened?!" NYS smut happened, family court smut happened and negligence by SOOO many. Mom was sure to mention to the father what her Italian Mama is telling her that there's nothing wrong with me because I drove across the country. He looked surprised and asked if I could drive him to Michigan and I said sure and I let him know I don't do driving as a job because I don't want to take on that responsibility if anything happens. He said "insurance." If he only knew! THAT'S why in the past I said I need a circle of friends all of them lawyers. My head just keeps being bashed into a wall due to this insanity. ... the hell that kid's organ is going in the garbage if it's still there in the morning. It's going in my storage. Good thing I have several copies of cell phone pictures of the charlie's angels, Grease newspaper clipping, and Sean Cassidy photos still hanging on stephanie's door as late as 2008. All her trophies and dolls still intact. People who lose children get help and I'll be damned this useless medical immigrant comes out saying it all never happened. Just like when shredders became popular and the notion of getting rid of everything, out went proof I had from a medical bill over digestive problems - the sonogram taken of my stomach to determine the reason for belching and the only explanation given to me was I was swallowing too much air when I eat because the sonogram came out fine. Claire you better enjoy all the orgasms you got left with robodick because you're going to need something to make you feel better when it finally hits you what you've done. ... 2 to 2.5 hours of sleep and onto round 2 because I was still awake after 45 minutes. My body is exhausted from all the alcohol but sleep is essential. Death would give me all the essential sleep I need. ... did a little checking of disabled porn pics to see if christine is there anywhere. Unlike Claire's infamous belief Christine will never enjoy sex (SLAP THE AIR OUT OF THAT HEAD) I made the argument in court she needs to have the possibility of tubal ligation weighed and I have read through the caselaw of families who found out by surprise the incompetent's hymen had been broken. ALL FOR NOT VIA JUDGE DEANNE WILSON. oh and btw Claire came here with robodick yesterday to physically move stuff. Guess that shoulder problem has gone away. Mom's answer to tubal ligation is keeping christine overweight. Mom's Italian mama's answer is that it's not needed because christine "is never out of her sight." Meanwhile the Italian mama doesn't have the money to go away as much as mom and Claire failed christine by refusing to watch her when mom goes away (all based on the learned noise christine makes when annoyed and it would be too much for her developing sons) and christine doesn't have the same daytime activities as the Italian mama's daughter with down syndrome. The Italian mama still tries to preach weight loss to christine. The man Sunday had to ask if I also was in the accident long ago. I took the opportunity to explain to him the college fiasco that happened to me. College in poughkeepsie would have been much more appropriate than lumberjack country even though I fell in love with the more innocent and pressure - free lifestyle (which didn't help me with real world living). The man also learned in surprise I'm the youngest but I let him know he's not alone. He's not the first to be surprised like that. Of course christine seems to be the youngest ( :'( ). Based on the Frozen chicken I just took down from the freezer it's obvious mom is not authoritative with decisions around here. CRASH. My follow up with the man Sunday about youngest was pointing out ace ventura was in my class while ace ventura's sister was in christine's and his daughter's class. Fix spell check later. ... only 2 more hours of sleep. Onto more alcohol. Organ is inside. Wish I had done it last night. Hope the dew didn't ruin it. Carrying it sent me into a huff puff with pain in the throat same area as after doing run laps in high school. Nose kept running and running and I had to keep coughing and clearing throat for about 30(?) minutes. Not sure where the stool and songbooks are for it. Had thought that mom has done her own accepting these things will never go to grandchildren. She should have learned how to healthfully deal with her losses. Flashback to christine's attorney in court saying how sad this situation is. WHAT'S EVEN SADDER IS EVERYONE'S INACTION TO DO SOMETHING SO EVERYONE'S UNDERWEAR GETS HUNG OUT IN THE END. NICE JOB. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't have to wait for infection if I don't want to. This alcohol needs to take over sooner than later. I've got way too much adrenaline and nothing to do with it. ... oh so it turns out christine fell while getting on her bus Friday. THAT'S why mom has been acting the way she did. Even just now acting outside the norm asking christine if she was ok coming up the stairs and when Chris said something about a wheelchair at shop I asked her about it. THAT'S how I found out the truth. Not from this idiot left to raise us in a country she doesn't belong in. And that's how child rape sites are something I can relate to. Btw even way back when vandersloot talked about college in holland even then I knew all about Amsterdam's reputation. I wonder if they ever investigated in amsterdam for natalee holloway. Mom just made a call to the recommendation her doctor has said for years she needs to lose weight. Maybe because he now knows she's on medicaid and nutritionist is covered. Fucking idiot. She doesn't even realize medicaid is welfare. Fucking idiot is talking to her like a child and christine asked for a Snicker's bar and mom gave it to her. I'm supposed to be asleep by now but instead on my second dose of Vodka and oj. ... been sleeping on and off through the day. Depressed mainly by the apathy and corruption. I don't want to be here anymore. Corrupt and apathetic. Silence kills. So it turns out it's good I recorded the date of 10/23. All mom's acting out about the stairs all stemmed from things I've been ignored about all for Christine. Lately been having jewel's lyrics of "I hid my soiled hands behind my back." THAT'S  the inappropriateness of this child caring for us followed by a nimwit who has come to define love as what the bible says followed by a satisfying sexual partner. I wonder if mom received the call on her cell or if Claire got the call and that was the reason for her robocalls to help mom cover up about the elevator. No shit. My going ballistic about this woman's denial is justified. I'm pretty sure the driver on Friday was Gloria who has been around from the getgo and used to always be the ONE bus driver. Does Claire know that? Maybe now. That's how uninvolved in christine's life Claire has been. And that's the usual that mom puts on a show as needed. Today when christine was coming up the stairs all this medically useless jackass did was her usual routine of "are you ok?!" as christine let out her usual cries of pain and frustration coming up the stairs - of course mom had to go to the stairs to be able to hear Chris. Even how mom said the word "macaroni" to christine today (after the call about the nutritionist?) I can tell that did not come from her. Is it coming from her Italian mama friend or Claire? That was part of the abuse growing up. She's an immigrant in this country. Not me. Yet post accident I can only remember the child rape of how many times I was invalidated by " who's putting that in your head?" I'll say it again to slap this useless immigrant back to their own country.... 10:16am 10/27/15 the local hospital called here. Why? Mom said she had a doctor's appt. today. Court is Tues and Thursday. ... local hospital was return calling about a nutritionist. Looked up one lawyer and my blog comes up right away. Looked up the judge and other lawyer and not only is my review of the judge gone but they have both set up for my blog to not come up in their search results. No worries. I have nothing but time on my hands to rearrange that - especially since it seems judge deanne m. Wilson is on the ballot. You've got to be kidding me that lives will be in the hands of that. Right on about constitutional wilson show #12 ... so today mom heard christine coming in and did her little show of going down the stairs and saying to christine "how about we use the elevator just in case." And christine had to repeat herself that she closed the elevator door and turned out the light because this jackass won't get a hearing aid and finds comfort from the Italian mama who has a much higher functioning child and household. So I hear christine now has a big black and blue mark on her stomach and leg from her fall and will miss work in 2 days to go to the doctor over it. Come to think of it mom did the elevator show today because of christine's admission coming up the stairs yesterday about the wheelchair. Mom didn't want me to know. Instead of mom being in christine's best interest she hides her soiled hands behind her back. This is the childish inappropriate care we were never protected from. And deanne m. wilson is a politician? ... only 2 hours of sleep after getting 2 or 3 last night. Going on a crusade soon to advertise me after more sleep from round 3. Unacceptance of the voiceless sitting here waiting to die while the cunt who went on to become a politician sleeps at night. Woke up a little past noon and didn't have the energy to go out and didn't plan on coming out but had to get those pictures out of the environment that is being used against me. ABSOLUTELY NOT. The pics on the front of the door is what I started saying to Ace Ventura in convincing her the problem is not me. She must regret not listening to me by now. Today was silent between me and mom for a long while. I then followed her downstairs to find out what conversation I would miss between her and Christine (particularly related to this fall/wheelchair situation. I saw a sticker over the elevator that it was serviced so (as I later told mom) that proves her harassment because I've heard Christine for two years come up the stairs in pain. One of her defenses was a stab at saying "Christine wants to come up the stairs." I'll  have to be sure I take down that 201 service number. If that sticker disappears then I know someone is feeding mom info from on here. Yeah the fighting today when the silence broke after Christine came home was just more shit spewing, denial, I just can't get it out right now. Oh yes one of the things she said was - lost it. have to try again soon. ... Oh I remember it was just more of that child rape stuff of my guardian I was released to as a seven year old injured child getting away with the refusal to accept or know how to deal with me so I was constantly compared to non-injured children while I was not allowed to keep up on cooking and sewing skills, etc. Tonight she did her usual "as people have said you're 40 something years old..." and I did my usual of "did you tell them I didn't have what I needed at a young age to prepare me to be this age?" (paraphrase). I get lost for words with this medical incompetent and abusive narcisist (?) ... I think I just decided to drink my day away. Original plans were to do shopping with mom and then wifi. Did the usual of struggle with 3 bags up the stairs and then said "why don't I use the elevator?" Now that the truth is out in the open mom says "yeah I thought of that." She's sitting across the table from me and does the usual of conversating and I say "so when did you get the elevator fixed?" and she goes into her nonchalant conversation about it as if she's on an episode of I Love Lucy and is a comedian. things escalate - a complete asshole about the children she was responsible for. At one point all I can do is Bang on the table to get her to pay attention. What does she do with this? Keep it in mind as I'm just out of control. I guess I need my added sleep for tomorrow anyway. I'm not doing Halloween. She can answer the door all day and night. When I asked her how she came to the decision to take Stephanie's things down her answer was "no is going to tell me how to keep my house." FUCKING STUPID. Anyway that will give me extra time tomorrow to figure out if there's a way to include my blog in the judge's and attorney's search results. Claire thrives off the biblical "the past is the past" yet was court ordered out of this "past" atmosphere. Riiiiiggghhtt. I'm guessing if my in-laws in Georgia are reading this they have disapproved of Claire by now knowing that Claire has run from and not dealt with her own family. The crows are very loud today. ... and there goes her walker down the stairs again. She's treating me like she treated her drunkard sister in life - an outcast - the same one who identified me as NOT the dead child because I didn't have pierced ears at the time. It's getting more violent around here as Claire calls giving mom a verbal orgasm. ... been here for 12.5 hours and planned on doing 14. It's not healthy for me around this fucking moron I'm going home to. Lying and being stifled really doesn't sit well with me. We should be using porcelain fillings: ... next day in between audio hearing a conversation here of cops that retire at 45 and then do some other job and they're making $200,000/yr. Also about guys who drive for hostess are millionaires by now (when done working?). The man who was a family friend that referred my father to the lawyer who did us no justice worked for Hostess(?). My father used to light - heartedly refer to him as "The Twinkie Man". smh no life planning for my potential. Last few days have been very quiet outside of me and Christine's conversations. After this whopping lie about the elevator (and/or withheld info) I told mom it is best we not talk. She started in with something and I said "no I'm the one being responsible. If you only knew my life out in the world I just don't keep company with people who lie." I've also been using the elevator smh as if I didn't need to use the elevator. ... in Claire's limited and abusive view on life this is what makes me a selfish person to watch out for: ... no one knows how terrifying this is until you have two police that have pushed your face into a hospital floor and humiliated and injured you in front of and while hospital personnel just watch after being constitutionally violated repeatedly. That's right officers Wentworth and Daniels - have you killed yourself yet for what you've done to me? The aftermath being a night school lawyer. ... not even this was done for me to my knowledge because mom listened to her NYC sister that "once they turn 18 you no longer are responsible for them." ... good intentions turned unequal bias ... connections being made: the largest gang activity for identity theft is in California. When I looked up my legal name and it came up with someone using it for a cell phone near San Francisco and something else I don't remember but Bakersfield rings a bell, well the connection is they are also very powerful with the internet because almost immediately that I put this on Facebook, that information disappeared from several search engines. It's like druglords in Mexico want to push all of it's non-drug people out. I'll never get over the haha! that eventually my name winds up in a collection agency in Mexico. haha! ... it sounds like my porn bait is working. Not so much that some young man seems fully informed (not that I'm sure I heard right) but there's lots of lessons to be learned here like the people at the controls of the internet need to respect privacy. Gary is probably right though that people will just stand around to hear your final gurgle. My defeat though is not death. My defeat is welfare or bankruptcy. Like he said in one of his older videos he would rather die than (? can't remember all words). ... christine has a medical condition above and beyond her weight but I'm not saying a word. Mom wasn't paying attention. Or was something taken care of again? - this time against the court.Mom is taking her to the long overdue nutritionist.I said in court to a half deaf moron named Deanne M Wilson that Christine needs to lose weight. I notified the court about the stair railings inefficiency and heard nothing b4  or after fixed. what's next w/o my involvement? The worst thing post accident is being left with this reckless immigrant. Then Deanne M Wilson just topped it all off. Who gives a fuck about this family anyway? Oh and when Cristina Mirda came to the house she had a chance to see these very railings she walked next to. Oh and today mom did the usual of having conversation so I didn't even turn around and answer her question about what I was cooking. that's what she does. An asshole to get what she wants and European Southern comfort otherwise. ... what the hell did Deanne M Wilson mean when she asked Cristina Mirda if this was probate??? I have a fucking right to know. No one gives a fuck about us. ... I wasn't awake during 2day's cleaning but when going downstairs had to move the obstruction from the elevator door. Is mom also hiding this from the cleaning lady? That's normal for her. That means christine had to come up the stairs today. ... tomorrow mom changed her hair appointment from earlier in the day to earlier in the evening and Christine asked why and mom brushed her off with "because I dont' want to(?) and it's too much" so I asked mom and she said "oh I have some things to do" and she wouldn't elaborate. Tomorrow is Thursday when court is in session if I remember right. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. smh ... chest pains tonight. Food today: Christine's left over diner Turkey with gravy with 2 slices of cheese added warmed. Left over salad of lettuce tomatoe and onions with French dressing alternative taught to me by the aunt who correctly identified me as not the dead child, steak mom put in the broiler with butter. ... I've known about this since 2004 when I was in the nursing home I got evicted from that Claire refused to take me in from. Someone with MS was SCREWED UP by a doctor who did his first spinal tap on them. After these sessions the spinal tap's victim's muscular situation was functioning much better. All possibilities to be looked into for Christine (maybe even me - even airhead if she ever owns up) all for not by a Mendham Moron and further denied by a sharpless mediator ... ... so today mom did her usual of putting up with something for so long (in the context of rehabilitating at her house, when her patience ends she turns annoyed and lets you know - THAT'S ONLY PART OF THE STRESS WHY I REFUSED TO GO TO HER HOUSE UPON LEAVING THE NURSING HOME - A HOUSE CLAIRE WAS COURT ORDERED OUT OF AND NEVER HAD THE ADDED MEDICAL NEEDS ME AND CHRISTINE HAD. When Christine came home I followed her down the stairs now that she's asking her if she wants to use the elevator to make sure I don't miss any important conversations and that's the non-lifelong needs this woman is capable of. She'll have it for a little while and then that's it. One of her initial defenses was that Christine wants to use the stairs. There's one thing of having your child live your wishes. It's another the inappropriateness we've been put through. ... yeah really and the discrimination at home and with family as well. ... new things Christine misses out on: but this may not apply to her. Her paralysis caused by brain damage rather than spinal cord injury. ... of recent Christine no longer says what she's said for decades that she's trying to get her paralyzed arm and hand working again. I don't know if her vocational life has anything to do with that. I know for a fact mom has to do with that. So one day I asked her and as is usual for her these days she gets very defensive and negative about these questions (something I know mom has to do with). I was able to get past her negativity and just get an answer to my question. She denied mom told her to stop saying that - and I think her annoyance has to do with the fact she doesn't REMEMBER these details. Her answer to my question "do you want to get your arm better?" was "I'm trying." That's all I needed to know. ... Today I don't remember how it came up but I said to mom the protection I don't have of being sold a lemon. She said her and I went down to the car seller about the failed spark plugs but I REALLY don't think it was me she went with. And my sorrow grows as we are taken advantage of in this land where she does nothing else. No one is here to protect us against all these things. I think of the patient I knew who was screwed up worse from a spinal tap and asked if they sued the doctor. Of course not. That's an attitude that NEVER belonged in our lives yet Claire has her head lost in the clouds of robodick and The Way International. Mom is unknowing of navigating this life post accident (or even no accident). ... smh at how much this woman won't talk to a lawyer ... today I discovered lawyer information mom had from the meeting she went to at the Italian Mama's church recently. I kept it. Now that she's looking into all  this stuff TOO FUCKING LATE she can always get the information from them again. This woman completely aloof to needing to provide for the future of ALL her children. smh I just don't know what to do with this information. Call them up and let them know what she's not going to tell them? That there's other children with medical needs she ignored? What the hell help am I going to get by calling them? They've been serving children with disabilities since  1974 but this woman is so disconnected from my needs and only concerned with staying in her denial cocoon that I don't know where to begin. I know I need pro bono. That's what today's blowout was about. I read to her the part that applies to me and her fucking wall of irresponsibility shot up pointing out my age and telling me to go take care of it myself. Oh the fucking words are stuck. I told her about the woman who felt I was taking advantage of taxes and the courts (actually that woman was saying that about mom because I had to clarify to that woman that it wasn't me who lied to get their way in our court system but a fucking immigrant and there the words are stuck again...guilty of medical neglect). What mom is going to go attorney shopping? They're going to tell her to stay with the law firm that did the guardianship especially since it was successful for her. I think she'd be looking for a different law firm because the one she was successful with knows she lied or gave partial information repeatedly. How many times has this woman called my disabled ass "crazy" for seeking lawyers and then in the end she winds up with the success? ... when it came to shopping today I had a memory I can't remember right now but this woman's harassment and discrimination over an elevator seems exactly the same as Ms. New Orleans with a handicapped parking spot. I remember when I was forced to live with mom over that spot she spoke to Ms. New Orleans but the only unprotective help I got was her saying to Ms. difficult New Orleans "well if you're pregnant don't you know what it's like to have medical problems?!" and that was the end of any protection which didn't do anything for me except have a witness but then she blew that by laughing me off when working to enforce my rights. ... He's maybe half right. Doesn't believe in mental illness without stopping the oil and gas brain damage is simply not cutting it: ... 11/9/15 I miss my peeps. Even the lying one but not the lies. I actually overreacted,. They are not obligated to not lie to me. So suddenly I don't feel good. Will be back online later  Today mom ... to be continued later. Ok let's try this again. I was surprised to feel sick before. It was one of the new symptoms(?) of a chill at the core. when that started I was only doing Four Loko but have been back to that and vodka. So back to lying. Well the censorship is NOT ok but people lie to strangers or acquaintances. If you're Casey Anthony you have REAL problems. Today I woke up at 12:30pm and when mom came home she had gone to the store. This woman had the audacity to ask me to ring the elevator. smh She said she had to put shopping in the elevator and I said to just leave it in the elevator and it will come up with Christine when she comes home. (and me but I didn't say that). She said she has refrigerated stuff and she works her way up the stairs to take care of the elevator herself. As she did with me yesterday, she had put the shopping on her wheels and it was rolled in the elevator. With her phobia to use the elevator she sent the shopping up the elevator and worked her way back up the stairs. This was around 2:30pm that I said Chris will be home soon because she gets out at 2:30. Christine wasn't home by the time I had to leave for my doctor's appt so I called my doctor and made the appt for later. When Chris comes home I go down stairs as I have been doing to take the elevator up with her and see what important information I might miss. As Chris is walking down the ramp she has to catch her balance and I verbalize my worry as I see her teeter. She catches herself and said "that happens sometimes." I guess it was 3 days ago she heard me scream as she fell against the wall of the elevator when turning around and she lost her balance. Because the elevator is small she saved herself. So today as we were going in the elevator I said to her "and I think I know why." After the door was shut I said it's got to be because of her shoes and I asked her if she feels her feet rolling out in her shoes and she said no. I told her I see them (so it's definitely happening). I told her she's only using the elevator because I'm online telling everyone she almost fell down the stairs the other day. She agreed with me. IS THAT THE CASE? i HAVE NO IDEA. LEAVING ME GROPING IN THE DARK WITHOUT SOMEONE TO BOUNCE REALITY OFF OF IS HOW I AM THE WAY I GOT (to the point of waiting to die). Now let's look at some feet history here. Christine supposedly goes to a foot specialist that is highly reputable. AFTER WHAT I'VE SEEN I BEG TO DIFFER. Even the mediator was very happy to report to my mother that it's a wonderful doctor. (I added that mediator's lawyer husband to my circles recently but I highly doubt he will add me back. I begged that mediator a couple times to read my facebook because I can't get everything out in the time we have. She refused. That was a reckless decision). During court proceedings when we had Christine evaluated for the get better plan the first thing the highly reputable physiatrist said was Christine's splint is wrong because there is dust in the heel.  They went back to this foot specialist who said it's fine and that was the end of it. With all the falling Christine is doing and the risk involved WHAT'S NEXT??? I notify the court about the stair railings and that's fixed but the case not reopened to see what else is wrong. Judge Deanne M. Wilson had already asked, witnessed, and admonished my mother for her lack of proper medical care. smh what's next? Deputy Surrogate Christopher Luongo, among other things, practically hangs up on the ILC I tried to get to intervene. Before this happened today and after the shopping was brought up in the elevator I was preparing a salad and mom was sitting across from me. I catch her these days looking at me. I didn't even look up when I said to her "go fix your mistake and I'll go get dental work done." No response from this inappropriate guardian. The other thing that happened today is mom's (or yesterday) changing of history. They didn't have cranberry tea at the store so I bought cranberry sauce. Mom didn't like that and I said it's all for health anyway. You don't have to take it with Turkey once a year. Mom said Christine likes her Cranberry tea and whatever she said I reminded her she's on it after I looked into that part of her health that sent her to an emergency room. Mom did her usual that "people have said" it's not good for that" trying as usual to discredit me. WAKE UP PEOPLE. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A LIFE THAT CAN'T SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES WAY WORSE THAN IS THE CASE FOR ME. I asked her who and got no response as usual. so i asked if it was another one of her uneducated people. smh Mom tells me to take Christine to the get better plan myself yet she is forgetting that means Christine will NOT be going to that foot specialist anymore. Riiiggghht. Just be a loose cannon like her and do whatever you want outside of court proceedings. Mom never heard the whole commotion in the elevator which happened while both doors were still open and Christine was turning around. That's a danger of her not having a hearing aid. Later on I said to Christine to go very slow (she already verified that going in first wasn't a problem). THAT'S when mom asked what happened and Christine said she lost her balance in the elevator. Flashback to 2 years ago and mom said she wants me to go to rehab. Where did she get that from?? If I were here working a 9 to 5 job and using alcohol to sleep every night she wouldn't say that. I've grown up in this family of cover-ups and in the end that's what she did to a stranger of this family. For real. ... next day. So today I woke up the second time around 1:30 pm, went to the bathroom and went back to bed. Due to mom's hearing problem the tv gets put up to around 32 volume. She used to always have it between 27 or 29 so either the speakers are wearing out on the tv or mom's hearing is worsening. I yelled to put it down and she said she was just trying to get the weather but she turned it down so she couldn't hear it so it seems. I set an alarm for the time Christine comes home and after I gave mom the planters nuts she was looking for I sat down and watched Christine pull up. I heard the garage door open but mom didn't. It wasn't til her bus pulled away mom realized. I guess mom was waiting to see if I was going to take care of what she does everyday. As if! I watch her yell to Chris from the top of the stairs unsure if she should go down and I just wait to see. Again she asks Christine if she wants to take the elevator ( that has been a downfall that instead of exercising appropriate authority we're asked what we want to do by this woman who wasn't capable to undertake the profound needs ). From upstairs she asks if she's ok and I hear her yell for mom but mom doesn't. That's when I go downstairs and meet Christine at the elevator and I ask her what's wrong. She tells me so I tell her to yell it up to mom. There's a new routine they don't know what to do yet as to where  Chris's bag for the morning should be left. Today Christine had no teetering problems atleast by the time I got to see her (thank god. knock on wood - what a way for handicapped children to live). Christine goes into the bathroom and does her usual swearing routine over how difficult her personal care has become. WHAT'S NEXT DEANNE M. WILSON?? DURING THESE DIFFICULT TIMES CHRISTINE HAS SOME DAY SHE'LL JUST FALL FACE FIRST TO THE TILE FLOOR OF HER BATHROOM FOR HER NEXT SERIES OF INJURIES? NICE GOING. She has the same type of difficulty getting her coat off and mom is there to ask what's wrong but just like me she doesn't bother expanding for mom because mom doesn't have any viable solutions or coping. When I first heard Christine swearing like this years ago standing in the kitchen with mom (which may have been after I contested the guardianship) mom could hear much better then and said it's normal that she does that and acted like it's no big deal. It was the same growing up that mom was ok with hearing the fighter in her children through loudness. WHEN DID THAT CHANGE??? smh The next significant thing to happen today is I got a rare nose bleed. Christine used to get nosebleeds. Then mom told her Italian mama friend that she left a voice mail someplace. I'M JUST WAITING FOR THAT SECOND SHOE TO DROP. Did she leave a voicemail with this new lawyer with offices in NJ and PA? Do I email them and warn them about her just in case? Did she tell the Italian mama about the fiasco with the other law office? Before I had reason to not deal with her anymore I made it clear to her (I think ) but if that Italian mama declares nothing's wrong with me, she is inappropriate old school. I'm waiting for my next trauma caused by mom's inabilities to take care of ALL her children post - accident. She's going to visit her NYC sister tomorrow with Christine for the next rape of life about to happen to us. I bet anything Aunt Maureen is in the know about this and the deaf are leading the blind for our next crash into oblivion. smh. oh and before I left I wanted to make arrangements for Christine to be prepared when I come in in the morning. She took offense to the fact that I hear her snoring before the alarm goes off every morning but I told her she is no where as near as bad as mom used to be. Mom had a good laugh but Christine was still befuddled. That negativity is new in Christine. and as far as I can see this unhealthy atmosphere we've been in (that I was able to relieve for a while by bringing home a brand new canine life) - I'm at a loss for words. I'm sad without "my peeps" but when you're in my situation of lack of appropriate structure and lots of energy but no place to go and you're suddenly happy and then something goes wrong, you're best to just step away. Sounds normal. I'm not normal. ... I'm actually going to call it an early night. I don't like some of the looks I've gotten here the past couple days. ... next day. Tried so hard not to go over data usage but I'm too sad. Years wasted not being taken to brain damage doctors and then told I need to keep up an I'm ok act just to be partial guardian to a life left in danger's way. Now I'm deserted by someone who is responsible for my Inclusion to begin with. Watch the bait you take. Really? This is all life has to offer? What more rape is happening now in this family as a woman who claims she can't remember her experience living in a catholic hospital is lent on for advice by mom? I'm left standing in the dark here. Mom's lucky it's not raining w the dark she has to drive home in. Flashbacks to cristina Mirda esq making argument that our situation is sad. What's her point? Let's make it even sadder? Mom and christine are home and christine can't comprehend rape of her life I'm guessing. Mom is big on deception through guilt. European southern comfort. I'm so sad. Never a time to be shut out from a lifeline. Certain males are stupid like that even though there is no male-female attraction here. Wish I knew the rape in store for us. More babbling later. ... maybe I don't comprehend rape. My ex told me AFTER sex for the first time he thought I had no life before him. Take into account all the stalking he did just to keep me in his life before that. I was candy-coatedly raped? I was going to say that doesn't make any sense because those raped learn to not enjoy sex in a heterosexual relationship. Watching Orphan on the syfy channel from 2009. BINGO! ... aunt Maureen is back to calling her usual time 8pm rather than 10pm. I don't think it would be because of kevin and kristen. I got lovely feelings about kristen (and kevin) but Ray and julie never made sense and it's not julie's fault. Ray was condescending her even at their wedding. I've heard Ray call his mother stupid before and I think that translated to a georgeous Julie who now lives in california. But even though Kristen kept her own name she fits with kevin. I got very good vibes from kristen and not bad vibes from julie but just that she deserves better treatment even though Ray is my first cousin. Kristen works in the cold hard world of human resources but I had a very good feeling about her. Now that am is back to calling usual time I have to wonder how me and my sister's lives have been raped. Even when Ray used to call his mother stupid I couldn't relate. I was still living in denial that there was no way my life would ultimately fall down a chute of irresponsibility. The hospital cared more about me than that. Surely? I don't even wonder about their sister who (small world) met and married a guy from the town we had our accident in. Where's the wrongful death suit? Where's the suit against the town for improper roads? Why was not uncle eddy ever questioned for saying something was just not right about our investigation? DRUGS. Waiting for more trauma. Mom was silent to me when getting home which says something. Just waiting for more trauma.... actually after being sexually assaulted and manipulated in a hospital by a female patient (little kids do things) I was sexually assaulted on the playground due to an early developing body. I tried to joke with my dad as he was relaxing on his armchair once by tickling his raised feet and his angry and impatient response CRUSHED me. I think it was that christmas at aunt Maureen's that I was playing with Ray and his new electric car and he complained about me and I was CRUSHED. I went to my mother which didn't help because instead of letting me mourn in secret first she blurted it out loud which was regular behavior for her. A child with special needs who doesn't get that remains scarred - or maybe it's my long term memory killing me which is something Claire says is holding onto the past only passing that shit onto mom. I tried joking w mom as a child by sticking my tongue out at her and that was soon crushed by whatever hang up she has about sticking one's tongue out. ... and I just lost everything I wrote due to this fucking mobile that doesn't freeze when the data is turned off. I'm another drink closer to death. Mom woke me up after an hour with her fucking walker. That's why I had to go back to drinking for sleep because you can't do two sleeping pills in a day. As destructive as first generation irish have been to this medical life in America the Italians are more loving but no better. I probably would have done well in a jewish family. My one and only was jewish but not practicing. He belongs to The Free Masons which has been tied to the Illuminati. Take into account Bush has a fishing buddy in the area.and all Claire and rich wanted to say is there's nothing up there and I said "that's how some want it." I completely didn't know the secrets of the area. An unforgiving death sentence. I've got blood coming out both ends. An unforgiving coldness. I recently saw where my local free masons are. I've only driven by it all of my life and had an accident once near there. And another illegal Mexican just got away with acted innocence on mystery diners. The torpatty. The manager his boss? Maybe the job stealing Mexican got lucky in this case. My local free masons is 2 doors down from a significant pizza place. Very ironic my one and only lived 2 doors down from me. Remember the song or group 3 doors down?l ... I've been drinking for almost 12 hours and only about 1 hr sleep. I think of my buddy who was comatose for a month a year after me and we're the same age. Diff is even as an adult he went thru his days on 3 or 4 hours of sleep. He lets his life be completely controlled by his strict catholic Sicilian family. I had to fly. No future and COMPLETE frustration but it's more a matter of focus. He won't even try. I'm not attractive to him anyway but he has NO training on how to hold or treat a woman as they should be. So I'm another drink closer to death. I don't know what to do with my days now. Maybe just stay in bed outside of the chiropracter? That would mean turning my notifications off which I've never done. All the apathy (?) that surrounded us will just continue. Cutting me off was not a healthy thing to do but people have lives careers and families while I have nothing left but wasted potential. ... mom went out in silence and Chris is late getting home. What a way to live in paranoia waiting for the next shoe to drop. Is there something going on with christine today? I should call that law firm w one office in Florham park and warn them about mom and the sheer mess made by deanne m wilson. Will 1 or both be home in 15 minutes? ... false alarm worry. Chris is still late though and I either have to change my dr appt or get there late. Sadness that was supposed to have a diff outcome with things done right at the surrogate court. ... TRANSFERRED TO BLOG... last night I heard mom say she tries not to use 411 because it's so expensive but sometimes she has to. I've showed her how to properly use free411 repeatedly and keep in mind she never got to use the computer because the year was 1997, I was displaced from my apartment due to a discriminatory Ms. New orleans, and I needed to start with her A MONTH b4 leaving because there IS SO MUCH that can go wrong. A year b4 I was moving to a temp aptmt when one of the movers yelled at my dog confined to the bathroom who broke her tail when he scared her and backed into the toilet ALL THE WHILE SHE WAS FREAKING OUT ON THE PHONE THAT SHE COULDN'T GET THE VCR TO WORK. I then had to deal w the humiliation of trout brook vet talking to me about animal abuse. I should have listened to Betsy and gone to potsdam animal hospital but her son had my heart in his teeth that I was even more unsure of what would happen if I ran into him. the only time we hung out was with his girlfriend at a restaurant bar and I was so scared to drive home but the lieutenant of the police dptmt thought it was ok. Fast Forward to when my mother got a parking ticket for being on the street overnight and he didn't do anything to help. Rockabye. Mom walked with christine tonight to the elevator. Let me guess. Someone reading social media is telling her and I will not be saved in christine's care. ... I somehow lost track of keeping tabs on info I might miss around here. A shallow talk happened with Claire b4 after she called here 2ce which did not use to happen. She's on the phone with am now. ... "unless they want to keep it a secret (laughs)" what was that about? This inappropriate jackass has taken all my pictures down off the main part of the house. Basically treating me like she did Claire. I NEED PROTECTION FROM THIS WOMAN. I'm overwhelmed. Still laying awake at 3a.m. it's now 6:20am and stomach gets sick from too much alcohol. Save me! Less than 2 hours sleep last night and again this morn. I'm so sad. In bed all day? ... since I'm not dead yet I still have to pay my gas bill. Mom tells me her overdraft protection does not have to be paid back. I beg to differ. Remembering back to when mom called me up after no one did anything for her 70th birthday and I told her aunt Maureen and Claire were supposed to be arranging something becoz am called me. But it sounds like I was the only one dumped on. Yesterday and today when christine came home mom didn't go downstairs but asked if she was taking the elevator up and asked if she has it. Of course christine says yes. I took it up w her both days. I left for the doc yesterday so missed conversation but today Chris said she had to tell sherri she couldn't go up the stairs of the bus so had to ask to use the lift but she came down the stairs when she got home. Really? Instead of giving christine assistance for the lift everyday they put her through the pain and humiliation of the stairs? They're as bad as mom who doesn't allow christine to wash dishes anymore just because that's how she finally got a proper diagnosis and put on 17-year-overdue seizure meds? This is all part of what I tried to take care of in court to get her in brain injury specific programs. Brain injury strategies, etc. Time to self-medicate again soon for the shit pulled by a family deep in denial and a judge who kept my sister in danger's way among other things. Mom just spoke to me in the dismissive and cold voice that I should know better they are going to a function dinner rather than the usual. THAT'S the tone enough to send a medically needy child into seizures rather than learn how to get through life. Without medical needs children can grow up fine in that environment. That's part why I never said the woman was incompetent but cristina Mirda esq used to her advantage. And there she goes making up stories. I just accompanied Chris in the elevator to go back downstairs. (While in the elevator I asked Chris why she was annoyed of me saying I was going down w her and she annoyedly said she didn't - she doesn't realize the affect of her mood swings). So as mom is coming downstairs she tries telling me what to do w the elevator and I ask why is she telling me the very same things I preach. She said last night she had to come upstairs and correctly close the door. WHAT??!! I was here last night and directed christine that I left the light on for her etc. Ultimately I tell mom she has some nerve even talking to me about this elevator having Chris go what she did for 2 years and it working the whole time. This woman has real problems failed by judge deanne m. Wilson. I know the memory mom is confusing. Something cristina Mirda used against me in talking down to me. Mom had to come and shut that door the day she copied what I did in bringing up shopping (only she refuses to ride the elevator and exudes her stress on all around her). ... don't know what to do with myself. Just laying here in oblivion. Just feeling so bad. Remembering about a class action type thing about family court and being told morris county is teeming with corruption but I fall outside the parameters of what they can help. As far as the mixing memories Cristina Mirda was pointing out my incompetence because I didn't have correct recall of something said meanwhile mom was flat out lying when she declared to everyone christine was on the landing waiting for her bus when she fell and got put on seizure meds. I told the court that's not true but no one investigated further. Time to self medicate again. I'm kind of crushed again. Not going back unless I'm unblocked. I didn't deserve that and any moment is the worst time for that to happen. ... they're home but I don't feel like going down for christine. Sounds like Chris is waiting for lights to be put on. And here comes Chris up the elevator. ? No here she comes. Oh I took it back up so she had to bring it back down first. And here comes mom struggling up the stairs. Chris tells mom to pick up napkins off the floor. I guess she will be calling aunt Maureen. No call tonight. Christine had to tell mom to turn down the tv. It sounds like it went from 33 to 27. Yeah mom kept her cool during proceedings just for her own selfish needs. Chris had to ask her to turn it down again and mom hit the wrong button so it's back to where it was and Chris was saying lower and mom said "omg I won't be able to hear it." And Chris said ok. I have my volume muted because she has enough volume for the whole house. Eventually mom fell asleep and Chris whispered in frustration as she tried to wake her up unsuccessfully. Finally Chris was vigilant and mom turned it way down and Chris said ok and mom went back to sleep on the chair. Now Chris asked her if she did her eyedrops and she said yes so I chimed in about the second set needing to be done 10 mins later and she said someone told her one of her eyes was bloodshot tonight (so she's not doing the second set). Christine told her she better get up & mom asked why& Chris said coz she's getting ready for bed (in other words Chris wants to avoid calling mom over and over for help (Flashbacks to when she told judge deanne m. Wilson christine's independent). Against my plans I showed mom how to cook veggies without microwaving them. I recently bought veggies that to cook only mean putting them in a skillet for 6 or 7 minutes. She doesn't think crinkled peas from a microwave means it's killing the food. Flashback to when I repeatedly asked to have a healthier cooking method of a veggie steamer and was fucking ignored until by chance aunt Maureen mentioned about getting one. Rot in hell for the life destroyed bitch. Earlier christine lets her true feelings out while she has someone around to verify those feelings (me) but when I stopped participating Christine stopped being assertive. As usual Christine let out her frustration at getting her jacket off and mom said "what's wrong" and Chris said "nothing" because it's fruitless in making a difference (strategies) with this guardian (not that Christine comprehends "guardian" - only mom). ...the terrorist attacks in France may have something to do with the Free Masons. Dontcha think? France is always one of our great allies perhaps because the great secret that jesus and Mary magdalene have lineage there and the whole world was deceived about an ordinary man spiritually in touch. ... dream: a nj company had me on temporary assignment at a ny lawyering job but the job had nothing to do with lawyering. Testing took place very early like the second day. The lawyer was James Novak but he had a guy associated with the job either give me something in writing or tell me (both?) I was being let go due to low test scores. It was that old familiar sting NYS has taught me so well. My reaction was not to leave. This job was in an office-house that was being converted so there were a lot of empty rooms and guys moving things in and out. In my stung state I sat in the front empty room on the floor(?) eating my lunch of mom's left over baked chicken with the familiar knotted feeling this loose cannon was going to say I can't keep a job even though she knows that's not true - this immigrant is only repeating what she's hearing elsewhere (and even if I couldn't keep a job it's only discrimination by an inadequate medical guardian). As I started eating I had no idea if I'd leave at all. I think I left after done eating (end of dream). In real life this was the same that happened when Ms. New orleans lied in evicting me stating they were going to remodel the house (and then rented my aptmt the next week). After losing my case to a judge who lost his job I sat in the courtroom stunned, exhausted, and overwhelmed for some time after all had left. This was a white-collar-sided judge that there were many complaints about and he received a letter he is no longer their judge. ... what is this woman talking about Condo life amongst her friends and nothing to me? It sounds reckless I would put this here but I can just picture her doing that in her undiagnosed alzheimers days of sending Chris to a group home, getting away with all we been put through and then I finally push her down the stairs we suffered through because of her. Where am I going? I have no place to go because no one was around to protect or object to my independence when I turned 18. This will not happen like this. That's the trauma or rape of our lives I've been waiting for. ... I just let her know she's in for big problems if she springs another surprise on me. She is more likely to go down those stairs she made us suffer through. 1st surprise is receiving papers in the mail about Christine followed by an elevator that's been working for 2 years and whatever in between. We never needed you for a homecoming. We only needed to NOT need you. 30+ years later she's still talking about moving out of this house. She did say to me that she now HAS to. Gee no mention of the psychological abuse we've endured. No peace for our home. Now she's saying w/in the next year. ... mom slept on the chair thru me opening and closing my door and cooking so finally I opened my door walking out and said "ma!!" And she jumped and I repeated 2ce it's 1am. This was after my wet and wild sex fantasy that at least gives me hope i'm a sexual being still. ... asleep only for 1.5 hrs. Been that way lately. Changed my filter in the warm weather. Id like to go change it again and now I'm scared the lemon I was sold will break down as I'm traveling in the middle of nowhere. Since I'm still not dead I have to pay house insurance again this time of year. Why doesn't the universe just let me go from this life in the next sleep session? I've been through enough.... Fake food: tgifriday's potato skin products: it's corn shaped to look like a potato skin half. Corn is known for gmo qualities. ... to get up or not to get up near noon on this day 11/15/15. Flasbacks about different intense feelings - those feelings brain injury related - or the intensity of it anyway. Looking up dream interpretation. There are so many different ones. The dream of the stowed dead body of the good looking attorney happened after watching their video on probate and I assume it means there's something I don't remember about probate since a week later he didn't smell like a dead body. There's so many interpretations. To get up or not to get up. ... fox is consulting w Pataki over 9/11? BAD IDEA. he was governor of a state that has a political switchboard w canada's capital Ottawa. Someone should look into all the unspoken crime occurring there. ... so this woman still has the gall to point out to me the pull shopping cart she wants to clear out so all can be rolled in the elevator. AS IF! ... same thing tonight. Sleep was 1.5 to 2 hrs sleep over 1.5 hrs ago. Round 2. ... and here we go again w/ this woman's aloofness (a phrase steven j. Straub gave an exasperated motion about). In my no carbs diet I was tired of buying ground meat and didn't want pre-prepared sausage so I used the coupon of 2 raw sausage rolls. Turns out that's what mom uses for stuffing so one was put in the freezer and one in the meat keeper. My questions to her today led to what she's doing for Thanksgiving. Claire and rich are cooking a turkey and bringing it here. I let her know I need $$ for that day bcoz I won't be here (for Identity theft reasons I don't use my card very much). She said "why don't you just come sit down, eat ..." and I lost it asking if Claire knew the elevator has been working these past 2 years. No reply (as usual) except for "alright don't start" followed by my reply of "yeah don't start. Maybe I should never have started in college long ago so my life didn't have to fall apart. Maybe you could have taken care of these legal things long ago." Flashbacks of mom saying and all buying that I just keep fighting with her. GEE WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT? as I walk away I say "maybe you don't think about all this because you're not the one living this medical condition." FUCKING STUPID. total disregard. Of course there's fighting for reality over denial. Flashes of life rape by a man uninvolved in this family and married to Claire. ... so today (same day 11/16/15) I'm coming down the stairs to meet Christine and I hear a distress sound from Christine. I see that Christine has fallen to her butt coming down the stairs of the bus (thank god - it could have been far worse). Before taking it up with the driver I yell to Christine that's why I've told her to use the lift. The driver made a motion that he cant hear me so I tell him to use the lift and all he says is "next time" but they had said amongst each other to use the lift from now on. (It's quite possible that the lift is made specifically for wheelchairs so not only is it out of proper use for Christine to use but it could be far worse for christine to fall while the lift is in the air). Christine comes in and I repeat to her that's why I said to use the lift and like a child she says "I know that now." I tell her that's why I need to be involved in her care to make sure she has her needs met. She's all flustered so she starts to go up the stairs and I say are you taking the stairs or the elevator?" and frustrated she said "oh I forgot" and comes to the elevator. I again say to her this is why she needs to speak up to her counselor about having me involved in her care. I've been saying this for 2 years and I don't know what the problem is. I verify what her new counselor's name is. In the end, it could be me who simply solves this problem by either driving her everyday or finding out what the fuck is wrong with her balance problems. I bet anything it has to do with her footwear and or improper splint on top of the changing body aging process. That one knee still snaps back. *smh* So before I leave for the doctor Mom (and by the way mom didn't hear any of this taking place) says to Christine "but you're ok going up the stairs right?"and I don't know what Christine's response was but I immediately interjected "No! If you were paying attention to the things she is going through everyday, she is in more pain going up the stairs than coming down!" Mom gives me a look of "you have some nerve. you don't know life around here." STUPID BITCHES - EVERY SINGLE ONE THAT FAILED CHRISTINE'S MEDICAL LIFE AND WELL BEING. Cristina Mirda Esq was charged by the state at one time with ensuring her safety in a guardianship. Maybe she will see to fixing that mistake by adding me as Christin's partial guardian as it is all obvious by now I AM the one in touch with many of her medical needs. ... I think mom is talking to am and I heard her say her friend's name and "the Condo." Even to am mom is defensive w "I know. I know." Anyone who knows brain injury knows the devastation I go thru not having set plans and stability in one place. Even carrying thru on my final plans across the country had its' affects. The stability in that was my familiarity with certain truck stop franchises nationwide. (that grabbing at straws for survival). Mom lost her painter she knew through her dentist(?) because of me. This was before the stair railings were fixed. I told him all about it and even wondered if he could help me. I have no idea who fixed the railings because I was kept out of the know. That was Someone's moronic decision because I'm most in the know in christine's life. ... fell asleep w phone in hand. Not sure what I missed. So I guess will get a bit more sleep now w round 2. What's the next rape? What's the next instability? What's the next surprise? What's the next spin out of control? ... I could never interview sarah palin w a straight face. Haha. Seriously she is one dumb bunny re: oil in alaska. ... rape of a disabled and traumatized child turned adult: fell back asleep about 10:50 am and awoke around 1:10pm to hear mom on the phone about a letter christine could lose her medicaid. When this woman had the chance to look into protecting my money and I could have this available to me mom had me fill her wishes to deny all as I was proudly filling college wishes that Claire failed on. Loss for words at the recklessness then and in the end judge deanne m. Wilson. All these years trying to get mom to do something for us and she was dead air on the phone. ... Today Chris had the driver that always uses the lift but it's also cleaning lady day and b4 going down I didn't even think to make sure the elevator wasn't blockaded. We get up stairs and the door will hardly open. As I push the door against what's blocking it I say "nice going ma!" And she says "oh hold on!" And I hear her struggle to get up from the phone and I tell her to stay on the phone. I have to wonder if this medicaid is being done correct if she has a supplemental needs trust and guardianship. I wouldn't think she has to go through the hassle of reporting all christine's pay stubs and since they're missing January they are threatening to cut her off. That's EXACTLY the hassle mom directed me to not worry about. Look at me now. My heart is breaking as I hear the down syndrome child of the Italian mama plays games on her cell phone. Christine's life has been left to be a bump on a log without me. ... mom did the usual of calling to find out what time they get home from the casino tomorrow because she "wants to let christine know." Christine is her only concern medically and it shows. ... time to go home and self medicate ... so tonight on the phone w am mom did another defensive "I know I know" and I don't know what the subject matter was but rest assured mom was blowing off something she's supposed to do. ... 1.5 hrs? Sleep. Stomach hurts but onto round 2. I'm sad :-(. Cooked raw sausage for first time today. Yummy. Overdid it on the eggs. Flashback to recent realization of old fashioned irish abuse. Am heard commotion on the phone I guess bcoz I hear mom telling her I'm cooking something. Point being that the fact I'm cooking in my 40s means the past doesn't matter and I'm full of shit in all the problems I have EVEN THOUGH she openly declared in court I can't take care of myself so I can't take care of christine as medical guardian. I never saw philamena but it reveals SOME of the abuse passed down from old-Ireland. Flashes to TJ believing his mother's limited view that his maternal grandmother's family are all inbreds. ... woke up 12:36pm. Mom gone. What mess is she out making of our lives now? Nm. I forgot she went to the casino. The coordinator of these trips suddenly quit. That coordinator is the mother of one of my 1st grade classmates who got a glimpse of how fucked up I was after high school ended when I didn't trust it was him calling ME. why would any of them want anything to do with ME? did his mother catch word of all our underwear online here? Wishful thinking? Just lost all I typed bcoz I forgot to turn data back on b4 posting. My 1st meal was so close to Chris getting home I made enough for 2. The lacking handle on the elevator door downstairs popped 1/2 off even though I tightened it recently w a screwdriver so I jury rigged it by hand. Chris didn't want any of the broccoli mix but when I asked her if she wanted 2 or 3 patties she chose the larger amount which is the norm since we were little. Usually mom brings home Chinese food after the casino. (Next day I found out why chris denied even trying the mixture - because mom has declared she doesn't like what I cook or quite possibly my cooking and I can just imagine her thinking that has nothing to do with her). ... christine confuses where she gets her directions of well being from. She tells mom she she did what she was told but mom never even heard all the directions I gave her about the lift. Thus the dead air caring for us. Mom's only response: "ok." ... last night 1 hr sleep, this morning 2.5 hrs sleep til I get woken by christine making the loose cannon sounds that mom does behind closed doors as Chris struggles to get into a van bus today. She makes an ass out of herself as she sounds like she's making a porno. That's ok? She's too stupid to know better? Mom did that on purpose once at PT after her 2000 knee replacement. The therapist made it known how inappropriate mom was while mom was a real low-life in me not coming back here to live. A woman with real big problems no one saved the children from. I think I'll have another drink. ... What was I supposed to say? "So mom after denying your children adequate medical and legal care you now join in on those who have my house bugged? The ones I totally played into to give them something to listen to even though I wasn't quite sure who or what I was playing into and still don't?" I didn't even know then about the Surrogate Court having anything else to do with us AS PER HER. You low-life w a huge amount of problems and deanne m. Wilson is how it turns out. I pretended I didn't hear her and the PT exclaimed her name and walked away momentarily in embarrassment. ... untreated tooth is turning gray/black. I don't remember if that was a tooth w a cavity filling but if so the more mercury poisoning the better (and sooner this all ends w/o intervention). Come to think of it the back right tooth is all grayed out. The one I was given brushing instructions about that creates that gag reflex. ... after watching most of guilt trip back Barbara streisand was in my dream. Can't remember dream but have heard celebrities in dreams mean the situation is surreal. Damn right. ...earlier I left here for the doctor (and returned about 4 hours later). As I was leaving with the dinner we had delivered mom made a joke for me not to leave it in the elevator. Perhaps I'm missing something but this situation seems no joke to me. You? ... mom asks me for the free 411 number and she can't hear what I'm saying so she can't figure out why she's getting dead air. I yell the correct again and tell her to get a hearing aid. She scoffs at me. My insides can't rest as I hear her impatience with it. THIS is what created monsters in me and christine in part. Flashes of Airhead's recklessness being the one having a laugh about the elevator encouraging mom to do the same. I yell out to mom to stay where she is as I hear her get up (I was going to look up her number online) and she can't hear me. Screw it. Those who refuse hearing aids miss out. The # is for christine's care while mom has surgery. She doesn't have to go thru this hassle but I just have to be a piece of shit to her at the surrogate court. She's not even in touch with the fall risk. She'll say Chris needs someone to be with her 1st thing in the morning and that's it. I received a call from the nursing home when someone assisted her 1st in morn and she STILL fell. Mom's doing a rat race now because she didn't jump on the ball when she had the chance to do so last time her surgery was cancelled. I could have done all of that but this child abuser in America is left the loose cannon she is. There is no getting over this surrogate being done all wrong. ... on our way to the Chinese buffet this early bcoz they don't follow the ada for setting aside a handicapped table. 2 yrs ago I told mom about the funny noise her car is making. She's only questioning it now because her friend said something yesterday CRASH :-((( ... went to wifi for 2-3 hrs after eating and wondering what trauma I missed out on. I.e. what conversations happened amongst denial-laden and reckless women. Depressed / traumatized by what this woman did with her children. Claire got over her trauma through brain washing and the way International coupled with having a child. Trauma set off by hearing mom call about christine's medication direction for when she stays someplace while mom has surgery and I'm left with flashes of how I'm left to become nothing in life due to Chris being her only focus. I.e. of all the times mom never looked into these places when I needed mom's sole attention. In the end the brine poured into the wound even further by deanne m. Wilson and some supposed audience member sitting behind me uninvolved with our lives. : (((. 1st example that comes to mind is all the auditions I never got to go on while instructors all pointed out my particular potential. Claire's take on this is that it all doesn't matter. Yeah ok. ... and it was the usual. I know we need shopping so I go out and start a list and ask if she needs both kinds of bread and she says yes as if she now has someone to do shopping. I let her know what I typed above and all she does is make defense noises (the same noise that made Claire refuse to take Chris in again) followed by her most notorious lie that I went away to college and wanted nothing to do with them THIS TIME proving her wrong pointing out she came to my graduations. Hopefully I can better type this out when I'm nonmobile. Tape recording the conversation would work better which I did not. To drink or not to drink while waiting for this life to be over? ... And the usual just happened that I go ask if I can use the stove top while the oven is cleaning and she doesn't know so I ask where the manual is. She tells me where so I start to look but SHE has to do it and that's when I give her the concrete example of how not letting her children do things ruined lives. (many times through the years I've taken advantage of these instances but if this woman has turned me off long ago it was pointless and I needed a different guardian). Deny deny deny. That's when shit hits the fan. During this time she puts me down about my weight. Her doing that over the years in an unobvious way (she actually was trying to fit into the snooty attitudes around here) - this is hard to do mobile. So it seems like I taught mom a word that makes sense: traumatized. Instead of addressing the very real issues I bring up she says "I'm traumatized". OK *speechless*). We never deserved being left here like this. Christine didn't get upset when I went ballistic on this Dumbass who raised us. That's prob bcoz we connect everyday w the elevator. I remember the mediator (who definitely has a snooty air) making a bad situation worse when she talked about my weight and mom nodded in satisfaction. ... it's been a don't think just drink day and I'm onto round 4(?). Assuming all the paperwork is done I'm slated to lose my house again in april. The house insurance will be paid for the year but will the taxes? I'm not sure mom is quite comprehending it's up to her. That's one of the tensions we had yesterday where she's telling me to get another real estate agent and I say I'm not that talented and no explanation I give her is good enough. Remember my ex who was very familiar with this family has declared "there is no way I'd survive life with your mother. Absolutely no way..." ... more trauma when I just got home 5:45am on 11/22/15. I kept the paper I heard mom telling christine about last night - an article about catholic charities and group homes. This Italian mama (whose church this paper is from) is only making this woman's denial of responsibility for ALL her children that much worse. I was feeling too sick to my stomach to drink but I think that's my next order of business. And there's christine's first order of negativity as taught to her by mom: "shit!" And there she goes again. TRAUMA and mom gets up going on with all her pain. More trauma. mom just did it again blaming me for not having the proper things shopping when I made out a list and we went over the list. And the complaints are nonstop as we speak. CRASH &prior heart is breaking. I called up the potential lawyer ira and left a message about potential half truths or lies mom might tell. I have a lot of digestive blood (?). ... trauma. Mom and Chris never came home from the 8am breakfast. What is she ruining now? Trauma ... Chris said they went to her handicapped activity. That's where mom knows the Italian mama friend from. Trauma. Last time they didn't have the activity after breakfast. I just read to mom the responsibility she dodged. No reply:
" In a pro-bono matter, the firm’s attorneys successfully advocated on behalf of a 19 year-old with intellectual and behavioral disabilities. The student’s local school district was proposing to graduate him this spring, in spite of the fact that he had no postsecondary plans, and was likely to be DDD-eligible. Thanks to the firms’ assertive intervention, the district agreed to keep the teen in his current placement at a private school through age 21." #hinklefingles&Prior #norrieandassociates #accardiandmirda

... omg mom's Italian mama calls bcoz she wasn't there today due to a christening and mom says she refuses to go to a certain Theatre bcoz they don't have an elevator and she doesn't understand how any place these days gets away with it. Unbelievable! Mom admitted to her they stay away from the buffet unless I'm with them "otherwise it's too much." Mom admitting her failing memory is something she does here and to friends but not in court. Kudos to the mama for using a hearing aid. Mom's eye problem is not with the retina. It's behind the eye. So now she's back to saying it was a blood clot. Mom just said she misses her job. She's not happy not working. It sounds like she's giving out to mom (or jealous?) the money mom has to spend on different things. on phone w airhead. Claire doesn't remember someone who was a knight with my father. Telling her about the medicaid run around she has to do tomorrow. Claire says it's crazy. She doesn't know this and she's the sole other guardian? Smh. So Claire must know the mess I'm in from following mom's directions. Help me help me help me help me. Can't get over this discrimination. Claire has only a cell phone so someone with a scanner somewhere can hear her cluelessness or actually hypocrisy. Help me help me help me. Mom is somewhat admitting what she can't do anymore as far as cooking. Now talking about manager from Claire's old job - a widow w a boyfriend that goes traveling. Bet Claire hints on that topic but doesn't suggest a widow's group. She already knows I wasted my time (while this loose cannon destroyed lives not having anyone else here). ... the only thing with am tonight was I thought I heard a mutter "someday" and my trauma starts. WHAT IS MOM AVOIDING NOW BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER? after getting my house I remember mom saying "you weren't raised to live like this." I was raised to be her comfort in denial. How convenient Claire was the one to act how mom can delight in. It sounded like airhead must have said to her "have a good night" totally fake and clueless coz I hear mom say "you too." Something is so out of place here. Really. Maybe mom got on the subject of cooking tonight with Claire based on recent events. ... midnight and will try to sleep now. Went thru day on 3 hours sleep and stomachache but couldn't sleep. ... less than 2 hours sleep not even counting the short amount of time back awake when mom's walker woke me. :(((. When saw water main break on news remembered about dream from prob last night that water coming out of faucet in white sink turned a steady stream brown. Pretty sure it was a dream. ... still awake after 2 screwdrivers and 3 hours. ... 5 hrs later still awake. Over 7 hrs later still awake. ... 11/23/15 mom's talking low w Claire at 7:15pm. When she checked the msg it sounds like there's something for 2:30? Talking about valley national bank. (I lost all I typed b4 - it gets better). Talking about plane terribleness nowadays. Atleast mom is less painting a pretty picture for Claire. Mom telling worried about medicaid. Telling her this is too much. Wow times have changed! Mom is not known for being truthful to Claire. Calling Claire hun which was unheard of b4 guardianship. No fair this inappropriateness. So what I lost: "it's either a wild imagination coupled with paranoia or the universe telling me something is up that I couldn't sleep last night: when" ... cop just stopped in front of my car. I'm not well now. The damage our guardian did. ... anyway "when mom held out the phone recently Claire was recording and they are going to finally seek to have me thrown out in the cold. " I really can't put together all I typed. There is no way I'll have this. I'll go to jail and it will not be the brainwashing and destructive undiagnosis Claire had. There is no way I did all I was supposed to do only to be shit on and then pulled in to a criminal life and this woman still get away with it. NO FUCKING WAY. Now I'm going into trauma. I can't even concentrate now from this trauma. Once damaged by a cop(s) always damaged by cops. ... And now I've broken down not able to do all I was going to do lost in the fear mom taught me to live in in the environment I was left in. Instead of being protected from police this is what I'm left with. Claire doesn't realize how much of her rights she simply gave up and in her brainwashing doesn't care. When I was beaten by police and pulled into a life of rape, Claire's attitude was "that's what you get for being involved in all these services." ... So now that my night is shot I'll go home and drink off the learned anxiety and have it used against me by a court system that is extremely shallow just like Claire. "Claire" on Chopped last night is a lot like claire. Lovely on the surface and no one digs beneath. And all because of that Christine won't get updated medical care available to her and I will be discriminated against for getting services and no one will dig beneath what's REALLY going on. When I was beaten by police Claire said ... oh never mind. I'm just repeating myself and I'll end but this situation is not going to be this in the end. Literally over my dead body. And now I'm scared I'm going to be harassed on Thanksgiving for needing to stay away from this stupidity. ... enraged and waiting to fall asleep. Wai ... I don't know if that was 3 hours sleep woken by what I thought was the elevator coming up but actually was the garage door closing and mom up the driveway. Pain in lower left abdomen that can be sharp upon movement. For the record took the responsibility yesterday persisting to an impatient mom about the frozen sausage being defrosted for the stuffing. Afraid of what's going to happen on Thanksgiving. Afraid of the abuse I will have no preparation of plans for Christine. The abuse repeated itself assisted by many. Claire's way of dealing is passiveness but no one holding anyone accountable. For the record I've spoken to mom a couple times about us moving her stuff out of the way in the garage so I can bring my stuff to storage. Little earthquakes over this family failed by judge deanne m wilson. Need to cook some sausage and eggs. ... *lightbulb* Ideally Claire would have a hard time seeking to remove me from here when she refused to take me in citing for me to stay here upon eviction from a nursing home. Ideally if I have proper representation and/or a noncorrupt judge. For the record today I reminded mom again about taking the sausage out of the freezer and she said she'd do it Wednesday and Chris aided me in reminding her 2morrow is Wednesday. Those are regular interactions for me and Chris. I know my life around here. Christine had a giddy air about her as we went to the elevator. Flashback to the mediator saying I suffer mood swings however when I was mis/undiagnosed and following her direction for medication that was not the case. Now I'm moody bcoz I correct her about my condition and stay away from meds. It's like being astronaut Wolowitz and no one cares you went to space. Some friends and others are exactly the same. Mom and Chris are going thru - Chris just had to wake mom for like the third time and mom snaps at Chris and christine's mood changes like the wind. So with all her aches and pain noises mom goes to the kitchen but Chris doesn't recognize the decline of abilities and does as she was taught directing mom to pick something up off the floor authoritatively, the only difference all these years later is mom says "ok when I get to it" instead of compulsively doing things. And all mom's stressful complaints as usual spewing out of her *Smh* - a day in the life around here. Chris just sneezed but followed up with "I covered my nose" which tells me someone gave out to her recently for not doing so. And this morn 11/25/15 (same day overnight) mom just said to Chris something about "downstairs" and upon christine's question "Rich and Claire". Anyway the rest of the sausage roll I use turned out to be 5 patties instead of 3 so I asked mom if I should put up 3 eggs for them to have breakfast. We discussed if I should drain the sausage first bcoz I don't bother for me. When done she does the usual of "I hope it's not too greasy" WE ALREADY BEEN OVER THIS. So I made sure to ask soon after and she said it was good. ... for the record I have about 22 minutes of recording but the need to record would have been for about 45 minutes. It was not a secret recording and when I played it back for mom to hear she turned the radio on and turned it up and flipped out. The radio going loud is something I guess Claire told her to do after the reading incident a year ago when Claire witnessed christine flipping out for the first time. During the 18:23 recording I told her I would play it back for her and she made no objection. As it was playing back she flipped out so I got the 2nd recording. Me being disabled is "shit" basically. Big denials and the abuse this child had to endure are recorded for a snippet of 22 minutes. Mom said I wanted nothing to do with "disabled" when I was 17. It was me who initiated diagnosis. Mom said there's no proof of my disability so I reminded her my original diagnosis then is crinkled by her hand as she tried to destroy it in the past year approx. More details on the recordings. ... and there we go. Chris brought home her check and mom has a hard time ripping off the edges so to relieve the stress Chris says "want me to open it?" and mom has her reasons to say no and still complain and keep trying. Christine offers again and still know until the situation escalates with mom snapping and Chris takes offense and Chris verbally lashes out with her mood no longer helpful and hopeful. ... during our blowout today (and I'm not sure if it's on the recording) mom's defense was christine knew also for two years the elevator was working. Although i'd have to ask Chris if that's true what was her point? I'm a guardian from hell and manipulated christine to lie? "... and enjoy seeing children suffer?" "... and just need to lie to get my way?" ... 3 hrs sleep and I thought for sure i'd be asleep again over an hour ago but no such luck. At least Claire and robo won't be here til the afternoon so I have time to be absent. Need to ask mom if she will be having sausage and eggs. ... trauma. Robodick did the dishes. I can't trust him as far as I could throw him and he's been partially put in charge of my sister's life. Lack of trust is nothing knew since and before I seen him be physically abusive with christopher as a baby at the bottom of their apartment stairs in Wallington. In her 1/2 baked shell mom has stopped paying attention to a lot. Physical abuse is what made the leader of their religious pac break up when vinny threw their oldest (girl) Tracy against a wall and peggy finally gave into her feelings for A Way member Paul who grew up across the street from us. What decisions about christine were made here tonight? What secrets? Trauma. ... I could keep going with how many children robodick REALLY wanted and mistakes made during sex. Claire took this life at all costs regardless of what she allowed herself to be put through.Robo could have gotten birth control but instead Claire took it on in their patriarch beliefs. Gee sex. What does that word mean again? The workout I can just keep doing? ... waiting for the next shoe to drop as the unprotected become more vulnerable from lack of protection. Nice way to live learned anxiety. there's a certain anxiety that comes with brain injury - it's at a different level when the guardian taking care of them has been told by multiple people she's going to have a nervous break down with the way she doesn't stop. ... police are here to help Chris up from her fall 9am 11/27/15. Police asked if she's ok being pulled up from the shoulders. It must be recorded last time that pulling her from the shoulders is painful. I was on my way back to sleep when I heard commotion of mom blaming Chris for something (when I got there she was blaming Christine for falling) and Chris yelled at her to "shut up!" Even after christine yelled at mom to shut up mom still kept at her and christine defended herself with "I lost my balance! " 11/27/15.  I ran out and put a chair behind her so she could sit up after I helped her sit up. Her physical condition does not help her on these hard wood floors. I was in my room and out of sight b4 police came. I had to give police my name on phone when I called - that was trauma ... trauma. I woke up and no one here. What mess is mom out making of our lives now? Where did her and christine go? ... seems like there must have been some discussing yesterday of Chris drinking more water. Mom gave Chris a sudafed so she won't get hassled by where Chris is staying and Chris did her usual of give back the bottle after taking it but mom said "alright you want to finish it." Chris obeyed. Me saying all the water Chris needs is not enough. Of course if this did happen yesterday it doesn't mean it will stay a habit. Just how it goes. ... so today Saturday I get woken from a nap by mom stressing christine out constantly complaining. They're on their way out to church and a function that is making dinner. She'll be driving in the rainy dark. B4 she tells one of christine's groups coordinators that she wants to get involved in groups. Smh they must be onto her. Christine is in her 40s and mom is telling her about mom is too old for the woes of DDD. had mom had us in DDD when we needed it during DEVELOPMENT years this wouldn't even be a conversation. So in lieu of mom dealing w them she's paying out a whole lot of money "and hope to get the money back from no-fault." Actually my father was alive when we all needed DDD and my mother constantly hides behind that. SHE signed over guardianship papers at the surrogate court and I wish I knew all the details on that. She signed guardian papers. I think that's more accurate. ... last night when mom and christine got home I heard a distress from the driveway. Christine almost fell closing the car door. So mom's cell died when she was talking to? All the stress and physical things mom can't do for preparing Chris to go away. All she had to do to get my assistance. She's talking to Claire. So it sounds like she - there she goes hinting at help. Tells Claire she called the taxi to take her to surgery. Claire is oblivious to her family. All things dumped on me while those two live a lie only brought to a higher level of denial by 2 lawyers and a judge. It seems my stomach pains could be bleeding? Abdominal. ... unbelievable. Italian mama in the hospital from a fall. Mom asks her about going to a rehab. Mom says "I don't mind rehab." Again I will never get credit for starting that by insisting I stay in the nursing home - and then all the bullshit that came along with it like the nursing home said they would make medically sure I would have housekeeping to return to and other things and it never happened. ... waves of abdominal pain today. Blood is not menstrual. ... airhead just asked mom if she called the insurance about where christine is staying. If airhead were involved with her family she wouldn't even ask that. And she's the sole other guardian. You're listening deanne m wilson? ... so this morn on 11/30/15 I had to use christine's bathroom while mom was helping Chris and directions I had to scream bcoz mom won't get a hearing aid only raised tensions. Mom in her older days is not as precise at helping Chris so Chris starts swearing the way she learned at her secondary school. Mom eventually tells her to shut up. We know where these innocent children learned to be difficult (only to have it used against them). Got woken after 3 hrs by mom's constant complaints. Now I will lack sleep. She is having problems w DDD saying she's inactive. Had she dealt with DDD in her younger years we wouldn't have this stress now. Mom wants a simple ham & cheese for Chris but Chris wants P & B. I say "we" but too many people are already convinced Chris is the only one in need. On my way to pass out. ... was in too much abdominal pain yesterday and today to update. Meant to fix that typo to "religious pac" and add that abusive men to children was a common denominator in Claire's sect. That's how I pieced together "robodick" when I questioned Claire thoroughly why she puts up with him. When she finally said "good sex" all was clear. The youngest is special needs and I have to wonder if that was due to dad's abuse or the doctor at the new birthing clinic they changed to with no explanation which means Claire is hiding something. I don't remember about how much abuse I've seen with tj. Just like Ray and Julie didn't fit, this robodick doesn't fit in this family. ... taxi driver is here and instead of ask the other guardian for help mom's doing surgery alone. WHO DOES THAT??? That's what she did 2 years ago and guess who got dumped on? Yep - me. Mom's memory was a real problem last night and when I suggested Someone's got to manage her affairs if she can't remember she adamantly said no. Meanwhile she took a flyer home from the doctor about senior independent living. CRASH. this woman is going to find out about an ilc now when I lost my life not having an adequate one and cristina Mirda, steven j Straub, and deanne m wilson will all advance in their careers while I wait to fucking die. Riiiiiggghhtt. ... " And what kind of justice does someone like me get - forced on Risperdal but already female? I guess no DNA studies on that are around." ... too out of it right now 8am 12/2/15 to write all the mom inadequacies the past couple days. 12/3/15 my god the name Martin must be involved w/ rehab services all over. Mom is on the phone w/ DDD chewing them out about the run around she's gotten w a new worker and mentions nothing about getting reimbursed by no-fault. Fucking oblivious Christine is her only concern. :-(((. If this is karma (how the fuck did this happen? :-(((. The first person she chewed out asked about mom's surgery and if she can dance. That flew right over mom's head! I found out what that meant by my life falling apart. Now she's on phone w Italian mama. On her cell? Ok so she's where Chris is where her daughter works. Un fucking believable I'm victimized by her 1/2 baked shell. Claire could also claim that if she were not in her orgasmic 1/2 baked shell as well. Someone help me! Help me. Help me. ... and I just let mom know her silence about her other children is not going to fly. The response? Silence. Nothing new. She told me if I don't want to get woken up then close my door. I have chiropracter in couple hours. ... heartbreaking to hear christine's roommate uses a cell phone while christine has been left in the archaic dust - not bcoz any1 is against her working toward getting better but bcoz this family has not dealt with lifelong realities. Deanne m wilson - a legend of fuck ups. Aunt Maureen. Mom is disconnected from the trauma her children sisters need to make the most of what they have opposed to the relatively normal lives her and her sisters live. A real fuck up deanne m wilson. If only I knew what was in the historical period of this woman. ... 9:30 in morn and mom just spoke to sister overseas who is of similar financial setup who is the only one to have married a man non-white and non irish/european whose son lived here illegally and was responsible for the deficient stair railings. Trauma wondering what shoe will drop when Claire went overseas by surprise in 2010. (My uncle suddenly died when they went over there. I wonder if he found out something that so stressed him he had a heart attack. I don't remember what his death was. How did mom screw her handicapped Children's lives now? All over her old celtic fear and paranoia. ... same day. i'm sad and bored today. Earlier I couldn't tell if I was depressed or restless or both. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe too much alcohol yesterday. Feel so fucking inadequate. :-( ... sad and bored. ending early. :-( but before I go Claire sprung into action  by making sure something was delivered to mom (had the gall to ask about me but mom said I was going to sleep). She wound up wasting her time. I guess i'm also tired :-( ... it's overnight and it's one of the rare times mom woke up and has a hard time falling back to sleep. I still haven't recorded some things that have happened around here starting w mom not saying today that I exist so I said "why don't you just tell them the truth that I'm handicapped and can't help you?" Silence. It's not going to look good when I'm found out and then she's going to make impatient noises when I have to explain we were all in an accident long ago and due to the improper medical care we received this is the result. Are you listening judge deanne m wilson? ... haha! First dream earlier was me and an overweight native american woman were walking in shallow arctic water that was contained like a rectangle and we were walking up to our necks in plain clothes and a regular jacket. I thought this is going to get dangerous with hypothermia but I put my utmost trust in the native they know what they're doing. At the end of this contained shallow part was a drop off to the arctic ocean and she was showing me the type of swimming strokes to do correct in order to survive. For some reason she didn't take off with that swim she was demonstrating so as she went to try a second time I woke up with a dire need to pee. 2nd dream is where it was funny that Reese Witherspoon was a personal friend who was reluctant to tell something she did but once she started to say it she told it really intense and picturesque that I could see the whole thing unfold in my mind. No one would listen to her about global warming so she got a hold of a non-dangerous gun and started announcing things at the side of the highway and people started listening but she didn't heed the officer's warnings or take him serious he was going to taser her so she got tasered near the neck and fell to the ground and gave a cough or two and lay unconscious in her gray miniskirt dress. End of dream. It doesn't sound funny but I guess her delivery about it made it funny. In the first dream the native was wearing a noted blue coat. Something about the neck indicates my thyroid is on my mind? ... I feel as crappy today as I did yesterday. To drink the day away or not? I had plans for today but based on yesterday it's not worth the drive. This pillow top mattress is taking a toll on my back. Walking much isn't easy. That's what happens to an unprotected adult child who injures their back in syracuse govt housing and then gets screwed by the govt. No family protection for an injured child. Maybe I will drink. ... I just turned up the tv. I'm sick of having to listen to mom's distress moans and groans while this lunacy exists. I'm up overnight lately so most likely I'm going to run into the help on Monday. Smh. I have to go thru the stress of explaining what mom won't. Silence at the notion of just being honest that I'm handicapped and can't help. Flashbacks to me being brought to NYC for kindergarten until I turned five and then after a year of A and B grades a rendezvous w a MAC truck. ... dream. My india friend was again single and we were going to spend the night. Multiple white male friends of his were upset at him so I could hear and see all these american men giving out to him at least one on a cell phone of how much of a dusch bag he is but I was too overwhelmed to pay attention. I felt caught in the middle and kind of whimped out on sticking up for my friend. I asked him if he was buying alcohol or if he could buy alcohol and he said yes. We were upstairs in the liquor store away from all the noise (we must have been in a very public building like an airport) choosing and at one point I laid my head on his chest as we were standing there - again in that same area where it meets the neck. ... for the record I just told mom she better call back the business she just dealt with on the weekday bcoz these weekend reps are not dependable for accurate info. This drug addict who got away with the Happiness that nothing's wrong and I was fine going out into the world (how heartbreaking to have to refer to a mother who lost a child (2) as a drug addict BUT that sympathy will not save the children who so desperately needed proper help but the woman never got the help needed). Here I go into depression. I deserved not to deny my need for stability. For my disabled life to be dealt with. Fucking drug addicts. ... and there I go again w another numbing agent just like my father did. It took him 5 years from the time he started drinking to get cancer although the environment he grew up in made it that way. This was the age he was dead at or maybe this was the year he got sick and next year he would be dead. He was a family man b4 accident and just drank after. Not violent. 1st thought is how robodick does not fit into this family. I'm bored. I'm restless. I can't accept this. I'll follow in dad's footsteps w death but that won't happen because I don't have the damaged DNA from an el train. Even if it was passed down it's not prevalent due to environment, nature healing, and mom's non-damaged health. Someone help me. ... called out for food. Depressed. Clueless called here. Fucking hypocrite. Someone take care of this fucking mess created by this fucking county. San Bernadino COUNTY got terrorized. First thought on my mind was Chris Dorner. And they say it was for developmentally disabled. Claire doesn't think of herself as that. Depressed. ... depressed. Onto another round. Heard a teen say to her friend the other day "is that my mom?" And her friend say "shh!" It was obviously about me. If she only knew. If she only knew how warped life is for me. And the warped evil I've been left to. If she only knew. India terror on the tv. India was in my dream a few hours ago. I need to be saved from these drugs. These Italian drugs. ... hrs later and still depressed at 4am and so alone. Terror doesn't have to come in the form of shootings or bombs. Some times it comes in the form of child medical neglect and adult recklessness throughout a lifetime. Terror weilded by a judge. Terror. ... last round bcoz I'm out of alcohol. Terror for this child as a mediator who was married to our ER dr, now married to an elder lawyer insists I clean up the evidence I am to show I'm capable to get christine proper medical care. Aka act ok. Ha she doesn't get the act that got me here in the first place and I'm not going back to that shallow water. That's not an Italian mama but Jewish. She cited how in family court you have to appear top of your game. Those games are what crashed this life and in the end is used against me. Go figure. The dashcam pro out is actually one of those secrets the govt doesn't tell you. They've been doing it for years w/o your knowledge. You might recognize the lyrics from a song though. Terror of the massive kind. Just like those suing google chrome for unauthorized tracking how much is out there that will never get to that level? Anyway terror of a life and some of my NYS Occupiers were atrocious and then I connected with a bunch of lawyers and I was understood. I think. There's only so much you can get through an electronic box. I don't accept this. The mediator points out how years ago (when I was undiagnosed) I would get stuck on things. No shit. That's a basic brain injury symptom. The difference now is having full knowledge and hindsight of the basics of my whole existance. ... only getting sleep 2 hrs at a time. Prob bcoz too much sleep yesterday. Is anyone going to help me? Is anyone going to save me? Am I worth it? Why would anyone think I am? A bomb deserves to be dropped on deanne m wilson. We were children deserving an appropriate life in America. There's still time to do that. Crows crowing a lot this morn. Save me. Save christine. ... what recklessness. Mom just spoke to the Italian mama who is hospitalized over a broken bone from a fall on her tile floor. The omission of me for senior help, is she going to do the same for the separate help for christine? Oh so now she can find out about legal counseling thru this senior group. She just admitted I do the shopping to another friend Ronnie. I have much anxiety about me clarifying these lies mom told. They're going to see me. Freaking out. The person who's coming here lives here so she prob knows mom is lying. Freaking about these lies just so I can stay neglected. As much as I'm able all "senior legal help" will know about me so this family is not victimized by this woman. I need to shower to shop and have to give up on more recklessness I might hear but atleast she's totally admitted to how problematic it is w/o me doing shopping. ... on the phone w airhead tonight mom talked about someone we knew that died of a heart attack and "had become VERY overweight." It sounds like Claire said back that it depends on the person that for some it just happens that way. This is also the fatal air that helped feed into mom's denial there is a medical problem with organization by saying I'm just not tidy like that - paraphrase. In other words just accept and move on.  Now she's on w aunt Maureen and the first thing that rides a nerve is mom asking "why the hell did she go there?" The same insanity that ruined this life - I.e. I get into an accident and this loose cannon comes out with "why did you go that way?!" Only one example. It's the same example as mom yelling at and blaming Christine for falling. FUCKING STUPID. Fine to be that way in Ireland but not injured children who had to navigate life in America. ... Holy shit! someone must be reading this to make themselves look better. Robodick is taking mom to the doctor on Tuesday. That's a first of his involvement with this family. To be here (w a recording device) or not to be here? Hmmm. What's the next set of lies to be told? She's on the phone with her friend Barbara and Barbara must have asked why she has to get a separate caretaker for christine and why christine is in a nursing home.Barbara is probably thinking "Christine has a sister in the house to help her." Mom said she can't help her and she has to help christine get dressed in the morning. Flashbacks to 1. Mom avering in court christine is independent and 2. Me saying there's a special cutting knife in the drawer for about 30 years christine never uses. Christine recently did her routine of asking me to cut her food. During court time mom childishly and recklessly had christine use the knife as if I don't know what life around here is like. Christine also never wears the glasses sitting in her drawer that mom did the same with. ... very odd Claire never called back after her second call here tonight abruptly ended. I'm talking Mom and her were in the middle of a conversation and suddenly mom says "Hello? Hello?" and hangs up the phone. You know people get cut off bcoz the cell signal drops or someone hit a wrong button but then they call right back. There's no message of a callback bcoz after mom got off the phone w Barbara mom hit the speaker button and the dial tone didn't indicate any message. Did they make an agreement like this? As I was leaving the house mom was flipping channels which is odd. One was the infomercial about erectile dysfunction (EXTREMELY ODD) and one was about children living with their immigrant parents. I had to go on with my night and wait for the next shoe to drop some other time. oh yeah the other thing to happen tonight is i said to mom "how did these scratches get on the non-stick pan? Well I'm waiting to die so it doesnt' matter to me" and she gave one of her little laugh hmphs - the same one she gave the dentist when I said calcium supplements were slowoing my jawbone from deteriorating. I can't beleive her STILL not accepting reality and when I said something about her not taking it serious the usual happened of her ignoring what I had to say and just moving forward with her original question to me.  :((( 12/7/15 ... ON 12/6/15 AROUND 8 OR 9 PM I LEARNED ROBO IS PROBABLY READING THIS AND TAKING A STEP TO LOOK BETTER (OR USE SOME KIND OF DECEPTION) BY TAKING MOM TO A FOLLOW UP DOCTOR'S APPT. POST SURGERY THIS COMING TUESDAY. Right both Claire and Rich stay away from mom all these years and Rich stopped doing favors for mom when nothing he did was good enough YEARS AGO and this is how life turns out with me cut off from FINALLY giving Christine proper medical care. I'll just roll with the evidence until I'm a dead body (or this situation is taken care of as should have been YEARS AGO. ... and just to add, my ten year ex seems to have truly been in love because he NEVER refused helping my mother, and he put on a comedy show with my dog since a pup saying "I don't do this for me" indicating he works to heal the bigger picture. The heartbreak is when I brought up how healing the dog was for Christine, I was slapped in the face with my mother saying "yeah there were a lot of laughs with the dog around" and then she just stayed in her comfortable aloofness. That's not necessarily her fault in her overwhelmed state in which she never sought help for (and we suffered greatly as a result). wow the room is really spinning. Having myself another yogurt parfait with granola. I guess I didn't eat enough today and with the too much alcohol yesterday. I guess I would have been better off with a salad but didn't do that. I'm too consumed learning of this nuclear power danger situation. ... for the record *12/7* I again showed this woman how to get thru automated phone system and it was successful and then since she said something about her overdraft being used I had her ask about it and she refused BECAUSE she knows she didn't give the right info. She played stupid to know why she got charged for something AND IT TURNS OUT IT IS BASIC INFO SHE TAUGHT ME LONG AGO. just like when she left my emergency brake on in winter she was oblivious SHE is the one who taught ME you don't do that but I was in the nursing home at the time having no idea of these changes in her. If Claire knew why would she still deem mom as competent? So it turns out (I guess) this is why she never called the senior abuse hotline I gave her because she knows she's forgetful and lying? ( while her medical frivolousness to her children "is in the past?") SMFH hell will freeze over before this story EVER ends like this. Leave it to family court not to investigate this at least as far back as the year 2004. I'm sure she must have been losing her faculties at least since I got my own place in August of 1999. She (or someone) has been deluding her thinking it's ok to be dead air on the phone when one child is trying to get adequate medical help for the other losing their own life in the process. ... so now Claire is calling while mom is on the phone w the credit card company to know why the nursing home payment didn't go thru. I should have been asleep long before now. Mom is having a problem reading to the c.s. rep. For all I know Claire is reading all my info and responding accordingly. Airhead is not piecing together mom is going blind, deaf, and senile(?). The mediator might be right that none of us should have guardianship over christine. (I just told her it was Claire calling on the other phone). I might miss my appt today. So here is all this credit card hassle when the nursing home is going to see if medicaid will cover and mom says nothing about no-fault (which under certain laws we are covered for for life. the only drawback being businesses recover a small percentage while the insured gets full reimbursement. ... and all of this anxiety caused by lies, etc just caused me to change my appt to tomorrow same time. It's unrealistic to think I'll get enough sleep for today. Unrealistic passed from mom to christine and me. ... mom finally explained no-fault to Claire. I did learn mom got rejected by no-fault for christine once. If she dealt with them more often she'd know they play games like that. She's complaining about the phone call web you have to go thru. Yesterday medicaid said there's new rules to evaluate the things christine CAN do. Now she's talking about vacation. Will she ever do an amtrak? Airhead is not connecting ruined lives by mom avoiding these things long ago. Christopher is done with his seasonal work. TJ studies for college. Heart is breaking. Cheers. ... ah so robo got a call about work instead. Funny how that worked out. Does the world know they moved out of their Wallington apartment and bought a house because a girl moved in downstairs and they suddenly couldn't sleep? When I say they I'm also including the person that was living with them (remember Claire refused to take her own blood in from a nursing home eviction yet she's housed many people over the years). Perhaps Claire and her people are extremely good at turning off universe messages. Claire was well aware of my sleep problems at the time yet didn't have an answer how the verse Proverbs 4:16 doesn't apply to me: " For they sleep not, except they have done mischief; and their sleep is taken away, unless they cause some to fall." However I do believe in this patriarchal sect robo concluded that about me in their brain damage denial ways. Oh and suddenly christopher was kept on for work. Funny how that turned out too. ... new rules in medicaid to evaluate what christine can do. What fucking mess will now be made with this woman complaining about this but me being excluded from christine's care she'll get the bottom of the barrel. ... The engagement that gave me something to look forward to everyday will be the end of me. That's the danger. I'm not unstable. Just waiting for life to end. ... ... mom is lamenting about not having care lined up for christine. A little honesty would take take care of that but no - aloof must stay aloof. Trying to send that 18+ min voice memo but maybe it's too big to send? ... need to record yesterday bout christine this yr coming home opposed to last year. ... FUCK! Airhead's bringing christine home. All recording devices will be set. I'm only on 3 hrs sleep and working on the next 3. FUCK! I do not like - I just called the independent living center to let them know what they're walking into. Trauma! I feel like the little girl on that Meg Ryan movie where Meg plays a drunk mother. I have to look up the movie. Also wondering where they are now 20+ years later. - I feel like the little girl in "when a man loves a woman " from 1994. - Tina majorino. Well at least mom came clean that Claire knew of the elevator the whole time. I asked if Claire would be taking her up the elevator or the stairs. El drunko started going in circles saying Chris will do what she wants. I reminded her I know my sister better than that. She's been away from here. She won't remember. I bet Claire will bring her up the stairs. I already called the ilc to tell them who they're coming to. I verified they closed my case (bcoz they hadn't heard from me?) and the one thing I need is a lawyer (so I don't know how they can help me). ... here we go with the merry-go-round. An injured brain like christine's goes thru this. These fucking "mysteries" are irritating SOUND FOR CHRISTINE. ... Chris wasn't able to verbalize she's going home today. Claire is delayed because Chris was in her daily routine and Claire had to call here to tell mom to call her primary to say the word. Chris has no problem with the food there bcoz her brain injury taste problems have never been addressed. It's entirely possible mom knew all these years and added to my trauma by never telling me. The Italian mama there over a broken bone from falling on a tile floor complains about the food as did I :-((( DRUGS! ((remember back to my worries Chris in time will fall on her tile floor in the bathroom as she struggles with personal care. The social worker asked if Chris needed help with that type thing and mom did the same as she did in court of sayig no but I gave the truth). ... so Claire says to mom the exact same I would when mom starts freaking out: "they were not PREPARED for this" the difference is Claire is removed from the home she was sent to upon hospital release. She had a group of friends to understand life and she was at a different stage in development. I've been over ALL of this with her and she just stays in her comfortable vortex of air. Funny how adrenaline(?) sobers you out of sleep for this. There is aging that Claire can't drive for long after dark but there's also all that picture evidence after injury of Claire's proneness to a seizure from a camera flash. Now - she's calling about clothes from the store. Sounds like she's at walmart. Mom called the nursing home. Claire asks about food but mom says don't worry not mentioning because of me. She told someone last night I do the shopping. I'm pretty sure that was Barbara .... so Chris asks mom to change the channel for the current show and then asks for the control. Mom complains that's too much for her so I mute my tv and say Chris wants the tv turned down. Chris agrees. I know what's happening in this situation. Chris knows mom won't get it right and after a couple tries I go out to do what I know greeted by this loose cannon who plays that they're "fine here w/o me." Riiiiiggghhtt Chris can't speak for herself so of course a power freak can say that. This woman makes Chris miserable. I then told her there will be no Secrets tomorrow as the woman coming here 10am is the same I was starting svcs with. W/o a lawyer I have no help. ... Someone's coming here Saturday to put tree up. ... having needed that father around at 16 and 17 years of age to help save a life: ... so Claire for years has cited the answer for christine is institutional life and I've said that's easy for her to say bcoz she's never lived in one. I don't know what her feelings are on it but after witnessing what I did yesterday she's waking up. (Chris is giving mom directions on what to do for her this morning w/ no ability to connect mom is an inappropriate caregiver for her especially since mom is recovering from surgery). Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah so robo better stock up on butt padding because honesty will wind up giving him the boot. So Chris comes home and her clothes are missing which is nothing new. Then it turns out her nightgown is missing and has been missing for days. In what sounded like horror Claire asks "then what did you sleep in if not your nightgown?!" Chris said "like - a robe." Claire also is waking up in other ways. When she saw Chris she thought her hair was wet. Christine's hair was greasy because institutional life only gives showers once a week. If Claire paid attention to her family she would notice that's the situation with me of the picture of me in my wheelchair taken when eating my first solid food meal after the wires were removed from my teeth. Upon leaving here yesterday Claire shared a laugh with christine that was shallow and overwhelmed and out of touch that christine is simply a brain injured individual whose brain damage is worse than it would have been due to untreated seizures and she deserves to be in a brain injury specific life. In college when I declined a brain injury specific college I was still living under the denial and reign of mom (with a twist - I'm the one insisting on getting involved in disability services to aid the relatively high level of intelligence I already have.I did follow her directions on not reporting to Social Security.) When I say relatively high I have flashbacks to being the only one in senior year high school special ed in which  they didn't know what to do with me because I was in more advanced classes. Also going into freshman year h.s. I tested into the class that was an intelligence level above the slowest classes. Flashes of how christopher was too smart for the slow classes and too slow for the regular classes so it all fell on Claire to sit with him everyday and do homework with him. And who did I have to help me? Exactly. DRUGS! (or air). And Chris is back to outbursts of frustration - starting with the chair that wouldn't push in to the table correctly. Now back to Chris wanting to come home this time - 1. They made a mistake putting her down as a permanent resident (which I have a feeling was caused by her friend that lives there) and treated her as such. And 2. I have to look back to two years ago but I specifically remember christine struggling w the stairs and her outburst (besides boredom) intuitively told me to ask if she would rather be back at the nursing home which she answered "yes." In mom's world of unacceptance she as usual asked christine if she wanted to take the elevator of which Chris said yes. Coming home to the freedom of pain in the form of an elevator makes home something to look forward to. ... omg! Mom gives a $600 year Donation to christine's shop when they screw christine's life?!?! I'm not recording this meeting but at least had a witness of mom's dismissal of me. Last time Chris was in the nursing home I asked Chris if she missed her shop and she said no. I asked her about her game shows and she was unconcerned. Mom declared in court christine is independent. I'm not sure if she just lied about it. This is kind of comical mom is now getting lost in all the tape that comes along w medicaid. Smh. Mom did the wrong medicaid for Chris bcoz mom got involved in something without proper consultation. I did not hold back so this woman here is getting an earful such as the brain injury specific programs she should be in which I said after she said the reputation of where she is. She asked if Chris has a guardianship for both health and finances. Mom says "yeah we're guardians." Ha! I then let her know that I tried to be her medical guardian but lost bcoz I didn't have a lawyer. A reputable shop doesn't mean it's appropriate for christine - or rather there's something more appropriate for her. So mom is the known primary caretaker and mom has admitted she has arthritis in her hands. Now we're down to tasks and Chris isn't verbalizing all the problems she has with personal care. ... I'm guessing the social worker is gathering lots in this situation. I told her I will contact her later about me since no one else is. I finally said something about personal care. ... so that was a waste of time. That's why you take care of children when they are children. At least someone from the outside saw it all. The social worker couldn't give mom the help she was seeking because there's too much high functioning. I already found out all this about me long ago. now mom thinks she has the upper hand because the social worker who knows all about tbi outbursts saw the way I "go on." If a mendham moron gives her her way and a mediator is too fake(?) or brain injury specific to see thru her of course there's no reason to tame a loose cannon. ... Claire robocalling the house? Claire had a chance to hear christine's temper tantrum just now. Mom is so upset with these people but mom could have had years of practice with the system. Mom doesn't mention a word about my involvement today to Claire. That's how in denial these 2 are. Saturday afternoon tree up. Me gone. ... helper day. Mom wants me to keep my room door closed so I reminded her they're going to know I'm here and she could've done what both I and the social worker said of the truth. Helper here and right off the bat mom's hearing problems are evident. Mom omitted me. Mom said Chris has a brain injury. Now she's trying to say the help for Chris. Ha! Questions are being answered about yesterday. The truth will come out. Instead of telling mom why yesterday didn't work out the helper is going on a rat race to find out why yesterday was a waste. (It could be this is the communication mom sets up through being difficult so that the ones savvy in this subject area can figure it out because she has no idea). No one to take their call. 3 daughters. Me - she says I'm not handicapped. She says christine is handicapped. When asked why I can't help Chris I think she said because I'm handicapped. Now going over meds. ... shopping - she admits I do but I'm not good(?) w cooking. She avoids the question by saying she calls out for food and gives yesterday's example. Helper says "cleaning must be difficult!" Explains cleaning lady. Now she's giving the story about the recliner. Talking about toe follow up and helper asked same as me about PT. mom has no knowledge she'll have PT. Mom is letting it be known she has no idea why yesterday was a waste. Helper on phone. Left a message for social worker to call mom to let her know why yesterday was a waste. *smh* Bcoz mom rambles as Claire started her doing. THAT'S why someone is "very nice". That is destructive for brain injury. Blood pressure - Helper says mom lives in  a "cute neighborhood." mom is giving a different tune about her "cute neighborhood" but does say she wants to get out (no mention she gave her kids a sense of no peace by saying that  over and over since 1979(?)) - now asking about if mom had a farm in Ireland and mom lied saying no. Said her father was a mail man - I never knew that. Maybe mom has a different idea what a farm is. Saying problems with hands. Saying same as I told mom about elevating leg(s) enough above the heart. Then again I did crash in this life from being ignored. I thought mom was going to get help showering today? Nope. Mom didn't verbalize the need. Mom was already told why no help. Helper is another Martin! Now talking about Ireland commonalities. The end. Mom's behavior is the same of tuning out reason when she doesn't get her way and just goes on and on. CRASH. As I've been saying for over a decade SOMEONE SAVE ME! SOMEONE HELP ME! ... now mom is calling the primary still asking why the waste of time yesterday. She gave 1/2 information to the helper today and solicited a response she wanted to hear and started with a clean slate in asking again. Why change the way mom does history? ... so there mom is trying to get services and not telling about no-fault reimbursement. $31.39 is christine's paycheck for 2 weeks. She did spend a week in the nursing home but is this from this week? ... visiting nurses coming 2ce a week is ok NOW but not yesterday when the social worker was here. I used to be in the position for reimbursement. Mom doesn't realize that. This aloof woman talks like only DDD is needed for christine. DRUGS. that is aunt Maureen on phone. Chris can't lose her DDD bcoz she can't lose her shop as quoted. All of this mom would never be involved in or mention before I left for college. DDD didn't come along until I was done with college.  Mom is able to iterate DDD is "developmental disabilities". She can't even tell you what that means. It also applies to Claire. Proud of yourself cristina Mirda esq, steven j Straub, judge deanne m wilson? Mom just had casual laughing conversation with am. We did not belong being stuck w this woman. Laughing bout the irish ties w the social worker and the helper. Talking about the aggravation with getting services. DRUGS. Chris needs to take a shower tomorrow but mom is hesitant bcoz she can't get her surgery wet. ... being ignored kills the soul as much as name-calling an innocent's medical needs :-( cheers. ... as I lay here and listen to the sounds of the seventies I again see all pics of me are taken down so I started an extra round. I then realize my name is still hanging on the window along with christine and stephanie. Screw it. Whatever maze this woman lives in I'm not going to bother being home for christine tomorrow morning when she wakes up. Let mom call the police if she falls. No one saved us from this. ... medically reckless bag of rocks is on the phone w a.m. - a more severe case of recklessness. Stomach feels topsy turvey from too much alcohol. All should keep in mind the summery winter we had previous to 9/11. Mom's sister has a boyfriend around to do all she can't do anymore. Can't mom take a hint? ... lol I'm being openly ignored again. It's laughable in some situations. Some people who think they get you are really irritating. ... last night 12/13/15 mom did an unheard-of of turning the tv down when Chris went into the bathroom and after christine's usual swearing routine of frustration mom asked if she's ok. Knowing mom will just freak out w a "no" Chris says yes. Having someone else here to know these things like a social worker really does make a difference meaning mom wouldn't be such a loose cannon if she had someone to bounce things off of besides the ones dependent on her (for those years SMFH)  ... Chris didn't fall waking up. We took the elevator down and I said bye to her only to have to go back down when I heard a distress disturbance between mom and Christine. Back of her head is bleeding. On way to hospital with mom driving. I was supposed to be on my way to sleep. When I was going to go to hospital in ambulance mom said "don't be saying nonsense." (Paraphrase) . Her idea of nonsense is thorough info. Her comment in the car on way to the hospital was "I hope I don't have a problem with the bus now." DAH! THAT'S the lack of proactive protection for us through the years! Chris lost her balance on the bus lift and the driver was there right behind her. I'm the only one proactive in christine's life and cut out of her care by power freaks. Nice going deanne m. Wilson. ... showed mom my diagram of the brain to show her we have new problems of brain trauma. I showed her the lobe that handles sight and exactly where Christine's contusion is. I showed her the area why I can't shuffle cards and my right eye - left hand motor coordination problems and the frontal lobe symptoms with which she discriminates against me. B4 I said discriminate she said "ok" - DAH! OVERWHELMED! after I said discriminate she went on as if I was making no sense at all and said she doesn't. Riiiiiggghhtt. Holding back the rage at such disregard takes a talent I'm not good at (in hindsight they had mighty mouse walk by our ER area because of me I think). Mom denied ever yelling at me when Laura had christine's weight down. I told her nice of her to take advantage of someone who doesn't walk around with a tape recorder all their lives. Oh yeah and mom asked Chris if she misses shop to which Chris immediately responded "no" to which I immediately chimed in "THAT'S the answer she gave 2 years ago when she was just fine at the nursing home." Mom has been exaggerating Chris wanting to come home last week - or maybe she was happy to hear it. Either way there are better interests for Chris that are not being met. I showed mom christine's problems with her feet and ankles and all she says is the doctor says it's fine and the dust in the heel of her splint is ok bcoz her doc said so. SECOND OPINION? I wish a lawyer was standard protocol for anyone needing an ambulance - PI lawyer option for every person injured.We are so completely vulnerable that it's highly destructive. ... so this phone has its problems and everyone sees me messing with it before leaving. Me and mom are at the car and an officer approaches. Enter my brain injury recognition problems - I say hello and is he "the one that was at our house?" He's taken aback and says no and asks me if I'm taking pictures that I can't because it's against HIPPA regulations. My face must have revealed my innocence because I said I had a bad battery and that was the end of it. ("See something say something?" NOT. If I were my old relatively skinny sexy self I wouldn't be a matter of "see something say something." I grew up in this one horse one carriage place). Before this we were waiting to get discharged and I hear the nurses next door say they have to do something just to cover themselves and I have Flashbacks to the day security came after me when I went there trying to get proper help for christine. WHY DID THIS SECURITY GUARD SEE ME AGAIN (IF IT WAS THE SAME GUY)?? BECAUSE THE WHOLE REASON I WAS THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE CAME TO PASS WITH CHRISTINE GETTING STAPLES IN HER HEAD FROM THE VERY TYPE DANGER MY SISTER IS IN - FUCKING STUPID.. DRUGS I TELL YOU! have to get back to that later. Mom's helper is on her way ... mom should not be doing all she's doing. We just got back and I wheeled Chris in the house but now it's up to mom to make her tea and a sandwich. In an emergency we left the house without showering so mom had to get back here, attend to my bitching the elevator door broke because as I wheeled Chris out mom's blockades were in the way, listen to her messages, agree for her helper to come here, etc and mom never got to raise her feet today which can be dangerous without keeping to that after surgery. Still waiting ... ok she's here. I'm not there like last time. Checking mom. That's all. She's as unsatisfied w how high mom keeps her legs as me. They have to be higher. Short visit. Yeah so I'll have to remember more about this security hospital issue but it's one of those times you are thankful you recorded it with other people. The place where the social worker works was told all about it in writing the day it happened. They didn't think it necessary but I know the hazard to myself I am at times. I'm unobviously completely vulnerable by people with closed minds. One of the medical responders let me know he was active back when we had the accident. With me there to be thorough, they were all given the insight of who we were. The new cops were able to connect when I let them know the name of Ace Ventura who was in my class (and her sister was in Christine's class before the accident - they seemed to grasp the heaviness of it as I finished explaining that after that Chris had to go to a specialized school.( Perhaps I should have as well. Just coz I didn't doesn't mean I shouldn't have. ) Anyway the veteran responder did like many others over the years of expressing how bad of a scene our accident was. I'm not emotional anymore. I let him know I would love to talk to him to know what happened - anything he can tell me. It turns out he didn't go to the scene but was back at the office and heard from all else. I let him know the driver was sued for speeding and over the weight limit and I have no idea what happened but we became children of no-fault insurance. My mother was standing right there the whole time. I don't know if she couldn't hear the whole conversation but she was definitely removed from the toll in America this whole thing is - more evidence there was never adequate dealing with all the lifetime tolls we must deal with and live with. Just my take on it. He knew all the veteran cops names I could name. He told me about one that recently retired if I wanted to get in touch but I'm not too sure how to go about it. Will they tell me if they found my sister in the front seat with an engine in her? If so statute of limitations are over? Other facets. Will they tell me where my uncle by marriage said it was me dead? Did he long drive to the scene? Did he go to the police station or hospital for the identification? I know when and where my mother's drunk sister was when she said there was a mistake. I won't settle for no answers but I'm exhausted of the way of going about it perhaps(?). Where's the family lawyer to handle all this? *smh* and I'm here unexpectedly because last minute I learned Christopher is coming to put up my mother's Christmas stuff and with all this deep seated denial or recklessness I am basically out the door. The responder today did say how "the truck came around the corner and just..." (made a motion with his hands). I don't know if he was trying to make me feel better or not but I was relieved for once to hear it said from a perspective of it being the truck's fault and not my mother's. Is it really a lead to reopen a case? I'm all ears all these years later. Oh yeah and the bus supervisor called and by the time mom spoke to them mom was all happy of how fine Christine is. MOM THINK AGAIN! THEY HAVE INSURANCE CLAIMS, DEFENSE LAWYERS, AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE ON THEIR MIND, DONTCHA THINK?! MY GOD! whatever. guess I just need to accept we're a bunch of justice  throwaways in this land of freedom. And it didn't have to be that way. ... here we go. On 12/15/15 mom tells am something was wrong with the elevator door but acts like it was a mystery rather than the truth her blockade of the door was in the way THAT SHE MOVED and when she asked her about the air fryer on QVC didn't mention I brought it to her attention. Pinnochio wasn't irish was he? ... Chris has a helper coming here this next day. She arrived 1/2 hr late while mom on phone which means chaos in this house. She's a spanglish Mexican. I thought I heard her say she'd comb christine's hair so I went out to clarify and she started to clarify. She wasn't really looking through the hospital papers I brought to her so I looked up the part about showering and read it with her. In the end Chris wants a sponge bath and not a shower. Is this helper even legal who knows English? ALL THIS BECAUSE THIS JACKASS CAN'T GO TO COURT AND BE HONEST. She's washing clothes. Do we know the history of this woman? Mom is paying out of pocket for this. The helper insinuated she'd be coming back tomorrow. Mom needs her own clean clothes downstairs but refuses to take the elevator in the process. Smh w the care we were left in. What formal training has this woman had? If she were american like mom's helper she would be asking why I'm not available. It's all about money and and a job in America. Aid is laughing w her in the shower. I'm leery of the help. Help was 1/2 hour late because GPS got her lost. In her 1/2 baked or uninformed shell mom said to me recently that these Spanish people could be from Spain. Like she doesn't know what's happening. Proof Chris was wrongfully admitted as a perm resident at the nursing home last time: she knows what a "sponge bath" is suddenly. That was not the case last time and mom lied to the social worker about Claire's run-down of the facts w me there pointing out she's lying. This Mexican is very nice as most all but it still does not take away from the illegality nor the unknown history. I need to go back to sleep soon. AGAIN ALL THIS BCOZ I JUST COULDN'T BE INCLUDED IN CHRISTINE'S CARE. Yesterday the one elevator worker is from where my hs best friend's mother was from in dominican republic. Helper just helped mom with her coat and is moving car so mom can leave for dr appt. Helper is driving a nj transit bus. Mom admitted to her she's scared of the elevator. She's making Chris an egg salad sandwich for lunch. Again if she were in the american culture she would find it funny I'm not involved. In hindsight I find it funny my hs friend's mother goes by the name delores or tanya. My friend was an anchor baby but had a twin so that's why mother got her tubes tied? My friend missed her life in DR. They were popular there but not here. At one point the father got a protective German Shepherd (who eventually bit my friend in the butt while trying to leave the house). Before that I was over her house once or twice while a helicopter hovered above to the point of almost landing on the house. Could he have been involved in drugs in DR? he's dead now but mother lives w daughter in az. Brother was an elevator rider. Worker has been downstairs for long time. Ran up here after Chris called her w/o saying a word and went back down. After mom comes back from her doctor appt she's freaking out because something was done wrong. The aid hung up the clothes rather than put in dryer. THAT'S why she was downstairs so long. Our clothesline is about to fall down. Mom is freaking out and yelled at me because the helper pulled the washing machine knob off. It's broken. I didn't take it up with her yet that she was downstairs showing her about the wash. She said it was just to leave. This woman works thru a place in the 732 area code but will only take cash or a check made to cash.(it was later clarified she accepted a check with her name on it. ... only now after a new head injury is Chris being told about other options for Chris. Her shop is talking these options to mom. THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED ... I just picked up the phone and made myself known. And it sounds like I was ignored again. WHAT'S NEXT? The person I picked up the phone to was christine's new counselor. I'm usually not that brazen to do that. Couldn't believe mom was nicely saying "oh I didn't know they make special walkers for her." FUCKING STUPID. There's a whole range on new and improved things Chris needs but is not being taken care of. Just now mom is saying I'm inactive with her. Ha! I went though the run down of things since 1992 I've been trying to have her do and she's not doing it. Typos. Mom is saying as usual that if I wanted to help christine I would go do it as if being formally included in her care is of no importance even though I walked through the history of what I've been trying to do since 1992. Yesterday mom got a call back from christine's nuerologist and told him about one other fall incident. She's wasting time. And I'm getting more drunk because this is to match the drug addicts taking care of christine's welfare. ... waiting for the washing machine repairman. More older details to be added. ...$140.00 later washer fixed. $20/hr x 4.5 hrs helper paid. I'm fucking dying inside for what this county did to me. Waiting to read what social worker had to say. It will probably be the last straw. This woman kept us away from social service all these years citing we would be taken away from the home and in the end to be failed by social services after I was the one to reach out to them. At the hospital I started to tell mom there exists part time wheel chair users. I stopped stating why even bother assisting an idiot - paraphrase. Christine's counselor today started talking about the exact same thing. Oh and with all the chaos mom's on the phone with Claire so I had to yell down to the delivery guy to come in. Perhaps Claire noted it as another time I'm screaming. Riiiiiggghhtt. Losing my mind over this neglect. Losing it. Still awake. Trying for an overnight. Want to see if social worker responded and answer might end this. I'm done. ... ace ventura got a hair cut and mom got a taste of her own medicine when christine's helper lied and said she found the washer already broken. 12/18/15 mom says at 10am she didn't ice christine's wound because all of this is too much for her. You're listening Deanne m wilson? It's been too much for her over all these years as YOU witnessed upon questioning my mother. Oh and it's ok for us to pay the price? Just lost everything I wrote of mom being on the phone w clueless wondering what will happen w/o the bus. I'm right here loser and morristown is 20 miles away. Now she's on w am. Clueless. 12/20/15 Christine screamed at mom several times today to shut up as she was struggling with personal care and mom was being her pathetic usual self. Some cunts see that as worthy of a guardianship rather than a need for a restraining order.  Some cunts keep Christine in danger rather than getting her an adequate life. Some cunts should be murdered. ... mom: these are theresa's boys. Me: why do I not care? Becoz he's from the place where there's no wrongful death lawsuit. There's no lawsuit for improper roads. Where's the lawsuit ma? Mom: that was long ago and had nothing to do with me. Me: HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU?! WHO WAS DRIVING THE CAR?!?! WHO WAS GRANTED GUARDIAN OF US AFTER DAD DIED AND THEN YOU GO INTO A SURROGATE'S COURT AND LIE JUST TO GET YOUR WAY CUNT?!?! I lay me down to sleep and pray for death so I may have peace. From the other side murder done right. Wilson, etal for justice tonight. ... no such luck. As my life flashes before my eyes by people who finally did the end of a life had flashes of deanne m. Wilson when she cuntingly stated I was arguing with a doctor when all I was doing was relaying information the doctor said wasn't written in the report like locomotor training. Just think Chris will be kept in danger because people are appalled of the c word meanwhile Eminem mastered it and is a superb father to his daughter. Christine's being kept in danger. ... my breasts hurting before I get my period indicate I'm putting on weight (since about the year 2000). When we go to the Chinese buffet I only get non-fried seafood. Steamed flounder with the bones is awesome. Coconut shrimp I can't resist since coming to know it in northern ny but I don't know if they fry it. I used to take coconut sauce from the coconut chicken and add shrimp to it. Funny how it came to be around here. Isn't any of the illegal Chinese in northern ny going to be deported? Does anyone care anyway? I think I've given all details I can and I'm still ignored. It's time for me to go soon. All have the info bout Claire's history and mom's care history and all mighty mice. Without justice it's time for me to go. Even if some healing freak show took my tooth infection away I have my own backup. It's time to go. Christine's left in danger and no one gave two shits about my medical life. It's all been a lie. Someday I'll find out how this woman remains unaccountable. It's a long process letting go of what you know is wrong and no one will step up to the plate. ... waiting for christine's helper who is late. Mom in all her daily pains and stress woke me up. Heard her say "it's terrible living like this." No shit sherlock. You've had 2 years to change that in morristown. Instead christine is left to be stressed out for the rest of her life with mom's constant going on. Still not here 1/2 hr late. Mom does her usual would've, could've, should've routine saying she should've tried to call her yesterday. Calling again. Left second message. Chris offered to do it without help. ... so chris went to the dr on a sponge bath - something she wouldn't even comprehend w/o being inappropriately regarded at the nursing home - that mom lied to the social worker about. I now see where mom gets her false sense of confidence from when I started the run-down of christine's history and the doctor was sure to tell her she's doing a phenomenal job which I eventually agreed to "but not medically". He asked about the doctor during court proceedings, etc. ... too emotional. Had to take a break. He repeated the words Claire said about mom's doing her best - the two of them being ill-informed about how much mom has flat out disregarded over the years. It sounded like he wasn't aware christine had a pediatric neurologist. He must know carbatrol has been around since the 1950s. I think the missing link is mom not mentioning the pediatric neurologist couldn't do anything more IF MOM DIDN'T LEAVE HER AT THE HOSPITAL SO THE SEIZURE COULD BE WITNESSED (based on the technology at the time). Still too emotional. I'd have to remember back to the specific annal of history but it was instilled in me to not be in special classes because "those kids never go anywhere in life." I'm floored mom can't remember the everyday occurance threatening to put locks on the refrigerator. . . . He recommended we work together. He recommended follow-up w the doctor I had evaluate Chris during proceedings. After he commented he didn't know what was going on between me and mom and walked out,  I told mom go fix her morristown mistake so we can work together. He didn't mention Claire and I have no idea if he knows or remembers the guardianship. ... mom just did the same thing with aunt Maureen. Didn't mention about the recommended evaluation dr but just that she should be evaluated by an orthepedic dr. I heard her say "I don't know" a couple times. Was it to me being right? No mention he recommended we work together (which is what I was striving for at a guardianship hearing not even connecting an obvious show mom isn't working with me is accusing me of kidnapping Christine). Now she's talking to am about joining a Y. Smfh. ... mom on phone w airhead. Airhead went to the dentist today. Talking about christmas meal. I told her today that at christmas she better tell the recommendation to Claire to be fixed at morristown and if that means Claire has to go (leave the guardianship) THEN DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT HER IN THE ASS. I just repeated to her now but did not have my recorder going either one of these times. Ironic Lucy was on world news tonight - the episode pretending to do their job but the conveyor belt too much. For the record mom just denied the recommendation of the doctor christine was evaluated by in proceedings. I am going to see what I can do about getting it in writing tomorrow but since I'm not legally involved in christine's life I may be able to do nothing. Are you listening deanne m. Wilson? My recorder is going on. ... next day. So this morning is hectic for mom so Chris walked by herself to the bathroom and as she struggled on her own swearing up a storm mom did her occasional shout to her and I said as usual she needs help. The monster mom created came out and mom does her recent usual of trying to undo the craziness instilled in us. Something fell on the floor which we have learned to freak out about. Dialogue: mom: where's the toothpaste we just bought? Me: I don't know. Mom: I told you to put it in the drawer. Me: and I told you to go to the surrogate's court so christine can finally get the help she needs. ... in mom's constant whir of stress she struggles to make christine's lunch and mom complains "how am I going to..." and christine says "don't make tea." As she puts down christine's lunch says "this is awful. Just awful." As those gastrointestinal stress spams kick in I remind her how awful it doesn't have to be. This bag of rocks gives every indication she is going to go against the doctor's recommendation and not work together. After all I've been put through how could I not sound like this? Mom made tea anyway and carried on her constant complaints. ... pattern: 12/98 warmest on record. 12-'98 1st time ever illegally evicted by Ms. New orleans. 3 years later spell cast. 12-'15 breaking (?) record. Freakshow happening on left face near eye. Terrorist attack to happen 2018. 3 yrs after 9/11 thailand tsunami happened. Tsunamis were relatively UNKNOWN before that. Patterns ... left knee subluxing again ... I don't know what snot-nosed illegal Mexican I just encountered at McDonalds in butler but that slice of cluelessness better get it through her rude foreign skull that tomorrow is not a holiday for everyone. "Of course we're closed!" Really? Congradulations you buy into the pagan centered catholic church. Not everybody does. I know you're not from around here. Perhaps you are trying to fit into local attitudes. Which doesn't say much for locals. With great difficulty and lots of stress exuded mom picked up a piece of the puzzle I dropped that me and Chris are working on citing the difficulty due to her hands. If her hands are that problematic she in no way should be christine's sole caregiver. ... I did not have the recorder on when shit just hit the fan over getting christine's eyes checked due to the part of her head injured from a fall. I have officially declined going to christmas dinner due to a lack of proof anything is going to change. ... I think shit hit the fan starting with mom admitting she took Chris to the eye doctor "a couple of years ago" and I said "what did he say about her glasses?" Answer: she doesn't have to wear them all the time. Then why is she not wearing them at all? Answer: because she doesn't want to. Flashbacks to the doctors office the other day when mom was trying to find out why medicaid fraud is not allowed and the ladies behind the desk seemed confused as to who the parent vs child was that christine came home from the nursing home "because she wanted to." So then mom played the lost glasses card. Bullshit I know exactly where they are. ... well I knew where they were two years ago and I have a pic of christine's sock drawer but I'm guessing they've been moved. Christine's crying outburst tonight that she wanted to go out was probably encouraged by my fighting. They're out w/o me and I can only hope for the best. I've dealt w being ineligible for medicaid services for years and this woman acts like I have no idea. Oh that's another thing tonight that came out that christopher probably has brain damage from some birthing accident and mom played the Claire defensive card and I clarified "why did they suddenly switch birthing Centers?" Her reply was "probably insurance." Riiiiiggghhtt. ... they come home and I go down w the wheelchair. As Chris is coming in she's swearing up a storm. I ask her "did mom make you mad?" and she said opening the door she almost lost her balance. I said that's why she can't go out until this is resolved and that there's other options than her shop. As she is screaming at me and hitting me it's not news that she doesn't want to hear this because she's used to her decisions being made for her. I tell her that but she agrees she wants to get better. Getting her to understand the part she plays in that is a problem. ... mom in helping Chris get ready for bed and I hear Chris about to fall and Chris yells she doesn't know why she loses her balance and as if the magic genie after all these years has instilled calm in mom, mom does her latest usual of saying it's ok and I yell back it's not ok and eventually christine yells for me to shut up. But I can't not say anything. It's been 2.5 years. Chris will fight mom at a time Chris is being blamed for falling but remain mom's puppet due to her incapacity. Nice going by a mendham moron. Chris is not able to piece together the abuse by her guardian nor that treatment for modern methods is a reality. How tragic I had to spell out for mom the discrimination of me by my guardian and christine's other guardian (along with her "family") and that I'm entitled not to be discriminated against. I'm allowed to have a brain disorder from injury just like christine. As is Claire but Claire has chosen a path of denial through biblical suppression. I also have suppression but because of the humiliation I've had to endure for being me. These 2 guardians are completely disconnected from what makes me me and then made conclusions about me for their own benefit. Mom has an immigrant reputation to protect and Claire has a Princeton graduate religious sect to protect (which says the man is the head of the household with all decisions in the end made by him and that puts this situation under him. yeah really)....  It's Christmas and before I left today mom was saying to aunt Maureen this falling with Christine is a real problem and something has got to be done. She then kept saying "I don't know" "I don't know". What was that about? She doesn't know if I was right all along? I recognize that swirling into repetition to. She doesn't know what to do so normally she would do nothing. Exactly what I've been saying all along. Before taking the elevator down I said my final "Ok if you haven't done so already you need to tell Claire that Chris's doctor said we need to work together and if you ignore his recommendation that comes down on you." Last night when I was repeating to Christine what she needs to do she was getting upset at me repeating and mom said something about it and I said mom does the same exact thing all the time of needing things repeated. She denied she does. I gave her the example of how many times she did it up at Chris's doctor's office. She denied it. That's just regular harassment of me. ... something seems very wrong if on christmas Claire and "her family" come here for dinner and leave without dessert or taking some of mom's food with them. Based on my knowledge of Claire that's something that is not quite right. They did the same at Thanksgiving. Doesn't Claire want to get to know the everyday living of the sister she's been given sole guardianship of? Something is off but more on this tomorrow. ... and there mom goes. Hoping for the best while Chris is a fall risk. Worked with her all day forgetting what day it is. They usually go out to eat Sat. Chris knows mom's not going to say no. I stated how everything I've been saying for 2.5 years has finally come to be. No response. I didn't even bother going downstairs with Chris. I'm exhausted. Last night I brought the wheelchair back upstairs and my mother was annoyed at me doing so. It's the same with diets. She'll do it for a little while and then stop which lots of people do but that is inappropriate with medical needs. Claire just called. Wonder if she's wondering why I haven't posted anything yet today. I have no idea if any of them read this. Not in mood to go into her right now. ... becoz of luck Chris didn't fall tonight and just now she calls mom for help while she's in the bathroom but mom has fallen asleep and christine swears up a storm as she struggles while mom can't hear her. Chris comes out and yells to mom the news is over and mom wakes startled saying Chris startled her. ... 3(?) hrs sleep and awake since. Saw some of jerry mcguire. It's after 6am. I'll be awake overnight. ... woke up to mom taking christine out. The more this woman goes against the tide the more I let go. Yesterday I told Chris I could take her for a drive but it would be without mom (her "nerves" as a passenger cause accidents). Mom just doesn't learn. I'm on round 3. Guess it's back to overnights. I'm sad and alone :-(. ... unbelievable but actually not surprising. As predicted mom is not following doctor's recommendations. 12/27/15 and before I went out tonight I finally asked mom if she talked to Claire on Christmas about what the doctor said about working together. She said Claire said there's nothing wrong with going to Kessler. As I felt my blood temperature rise because I could sense the cluelessness coming I asked "did you talk to her about adding me in Morristown?" She said no because she's not going to Morristown to do anything. I said she's not going to get the help she needs. Mom said she can get help and I basically told her to cut her crap that Christine needs family help who knows what doctors to go to and what questions to ask, etc. I left the house calling her a moron. I only call them as I see them. I could always buy more crunchy quinoa and crack another tooth like I did last time since one simple act doesn't seem to be going my way. SMFH WHAT THE HELL DO INJURED CHILDREN HAVE TO DO TO GET PROPER CARE TO HELP THEM LIVE UP TO THEIR POTENTIAL (EVEN WHAT'S LEFT OF IT)??? ... disabled children left without medical and legal protection become sitting ducks by an loose cannon immigrant in America: ... 10pm 12/29/15 specifically asked mom if she talked to Claire about adding me to christine's care in morristown and she said no because she's not going to morristown. Silence at the fact possibly just Claire can go. Asked Chris if she wants to get better and she said yes as always. Sitting home Chris misses shop. In other words she doesn't realize she likes vacation days. 2 days have gone by and mom hasn't made an appt for christine with a dr. I asked her "so you're able to take Chris to get better everyday when needed and then take her to shop; what happens when you can't do that?" Response: we'll figure something out. And I rip into her about the lack of planning needed by medically needy children. This woman is a blockade in the lives of medical needs only brought to a higher level of confidence by judge deanne m. Wilson and even christine's dr the other day. This woman is hobbling around to the point I have to do the shopping and drug addicts abound. ... got enough sleep today but feeling life raped. Have had flashes lately of christine's dr Topped off by mom's shit tonight about the microwave. Mom just asked Chris if and gave Chris ice cream after dinner (later on gave her a cookie). Part of the leftover food Claire and company left here. Anyway, I got past telling the dr the first thing wrong with Chris but he cut me off about her weight. He didn't know (or did he?) that I've been here behind the scenes for years hearing about that. The next thing I was able to say only because he led me there was the first thing wrong with christine's brace the dr during proceedings said was wrong. I told him there was all this stuff that was going to be done for Christine but because I lost the guardianship it never did. I never got to tell him about her other issues. I can' remember when he turned to mom and told her she's doing a good job but in hind sight it seemed a pre-rehearsed phrase. Welcome to a small town? There may even be more on this but I'm busy with other things right now. Mom's denial I showed mom how to use her microwave - I need to look back in this blog history but I'm pretty sure I recorded it. You don't need to press Time cook before using the microwave if it's on an even number. With her eyes, tonight wasn't the first time mom put something in for 2 seconds instead of 2 minutes. When I took over that's when she denied I showed her how to use it.  and mom's refusal to accept how her reckless behavior ruined the medical lives of her children - oh the fact that she wouldn't give me any confidence in what I can DO and always pointed out I was doing something wrong contributed to the CRASH later in life (or actually paved the way for it). Then when I heard her telling Claire she was getting in touch with Chris's doctor that said nothing was wrong with Chris's splint for an orthopedic referral I got the voice recorder going. I've been sending these voice recordings out and although the receiving of it is questionable (at the moment?) it's in my sent history and airwaves. That's another thing Chris's dr said a week ago: he told mom to get an orthopedic opinion but told Chris to follow up with the dr during proceedings (and I informed him she doesn't remember that dr). *this whole thing just leaving me feeling like shit* Before mom started talking about Christine tonight it sounds like someone is going to Colorado for job training? Mom expressed concern over floods, etc. ... got home 7am . All alone new years Eve. Either 2 hours on laptop tonight or
.. woken up by mom's constant complaining about problems where it sounds their going for new years Eve (THEN DON'T GO!) but I open my eyes and it's only 2pm when they leave. Mom complained last night (to am? after Claire?) that driving in the dark is a real problem and the house set up is not good for her or Chris and the house owner said the step isn't very high. Mom said they could stay in a room if there was a hotel nearby. Actually with how tired mom gets i'd say Chris is in danger. ... they came home 9:30. Review of pre coma songs reveals 1975 is a year of rememberance or those songs never went off-air. Justice in 2016????? ... mom on phone w who I suspect is irish who lived here working at pharmacy locally that's been physically demolished. According to mom everyone here is fine (in her half baked shell). ... also on this new years night mom said something to am that made me say to Chris "that's what she says about me. You have a medical life you're missing out on all because of this." In the old small minded irish way mom mentions something about a guy who is written off now due to the trouble he caused long ago. That's exactly what I'm victim to only mine has the element of discrimination due to issues from a right frontal lobe brain injury. When hell freezes over deanne m. Wilson, Norrie and Associates, and cristina Mirda. When hell freezes over. ... No worries. I'll be in a drunken stupor in a few hours: In mom's half baked shell only brought to a higher level by Judge Deanne M. Wilson I'm not special needs and am on my own ... I don't have a will. ... going home early to be drunken sooner. Last night after mom got off the phone with am she was on her talkative high - clueless that the subject matter I heard is her exact inappropriateness of the child she left behind. ... comfortably numb waiting to get more sleep after working on a puzzle with christine for a while. Received notification from an irish the other day of horrors happening to Syrian children and a follower blamed the U.S. original poster agreed with that and I so wanted to respond but had bottle neck effect. Those irish need to take back their old fashioned shit free riding this country and getting their way based on lies wasting tax payer money just to get their way. Children's lives in this country have been destroyed by your kind. Take them back. ... it's 7:05 am 1/3/16 and I help Chris by waking mom up who doesn't hear her calling. I don't lift a finger to help christine. That's what happens when everyone in court fails the needs of an incompetent and a senior. ... yesterday came and went and still no call to the recommended doctor. Actually last chance was Friday but she's cancelling the appt with the neurologist now who could at least comment on christine's potential eye condition related to her fall. Neurologist called back and mom didn't make it to phone on time. Chris yells the number to mom since mom forgets her vm number. No msgs? (I must have fallen asleep? from after this?) I THINK she didn't reset an appt with him but not sure. ... so that's why Chris has been calm about being left at home. The bus company told her shop last week they won't pick her up anymore. Me and mom argued a while ago there's other transportation options for her. She talked like I didn't know what I was talking about. We'll find out. Anyway mom's demeanor seems to be different with Chris this past week as in nicer(?). That's why. ... before I left the house today (monday) I asked mom if she called the office of the recommended doctor (the one during court proceedings) and she did not. ... so here's the scenario that I'm in a doctor's office and someone my age is giving advice to the college student behind the desk. When she starts to tell her "wait til you get to our age" and changes, I panic because I don't belong in the conversation. I may look and act the part but I'm delayed (?) development or omitted (?) development who is basically fucked up. My strengths went to waste but it's common for high functioning brain injured to not really know where to fit in. I used to blurt things out like my medical condition which I learned from mom. Now what? ... On this next day Tuesday I asked mom if she scheduled another time with Christine's neurologist after cancelling the appt. She said no. I didn't have a lot of words I could spit out other than I already showed her the diagram of the brain and where Christine was bleeding from and the ER isn't going to give her that supplemental information. Mom doesn't listen to me. In her convoluted understanding she's probably thinking "well I was going to go to him over this falling but if I'm going to go to an orthopedic instead..." but mom only increases her overwhelmed state by not listening to me. If I were formally involved, Christine's care would not go on this way of hit and miss. ... grateful to find out about this and heartbroken at all the things Christine is missing out on that is NOT this: ... too tired and bored :-( to continue. Ending 2 hours early :-( ... christine's life is going down the tubes again. Mom is taking her to the wrong doctor on Monday. ... too bad I fell asleep before. I woke up to mom talking about meeting 1st cousins on my father's side one of which works at Rutgers. I said I won't be there if Claire is but I'll give all my internet information and they can read about me online. There's no way I'm going anywhere acting like I'm not disabled and everything is fine. Helping christine with the bathroom and bed these days mom just yelled at her that if she needed something from the living room she'd have to walk ALL the way back. This is the type of inconvenient care we deserved to grow up WITHOUT for better lifelong results. ... 1/7/16 recorded mom's delusion of the doctor's instructions and sending it ovu off. Wrong dr has harvard and hate credenttt creder... never mind my phone is freaking out. ... wrong dr has harvard and yale degrees. So what? So does Bush. THAT'S why the mediator spoke so highly of her. I really don't have good things left to say about that mediator. I only want this life to end. ... wake up and go to work with christine on a puzzle. I sneeze and Chris laughs as with all bodily functions and mom yells at me to take something for my coughs. I remind her to do her part and she says if I'm going to keep the cough then get out. I remind her I told her 2.5 years ago to get me out and go do things right in morristown because now Chris isn't going to get the care she needs. And our lives continue to spin into nowhere and all that could be better is left at the bottom of the barrel. While Claire's spiritual beliefs are left to leave christine without modern advances. ... and now they're going out to eat and I worry about christine falling. I'm bored and frustrated to say the least in this life so I'll start drinking soon even though I've only been awake for 7 hrs. Can't anyone save the quality of these lives? ... round 2 and it's after 5;30 am. Certain people who do fucked up things are not worth the aggravation. Take your shit and go. Don't you embarass yourself by doing the shit you do??? ... I just chewed mom out about her overestimating and then bitching. Overestimating is what she sent me out into the world doing. Today it's over shopping. The time of day we get there matters. Instead of planning ahead for that she just causes chaos. Flashes of christine's doctor saying what sounded rehearsed(?) about how good of a job she's doing. What kind of shit failed these children? ... I'm actually not going now. My mood and plans for the day just took a nose-dive. I'm tired of the potential of being misconstrued from an electronic box. ... this morning mom muttered "I need to get some help in here. This is too much." as she was struggling to get breakfast for christine. Black comedy. ... Claire's youngest is on his way and I'll be in my room w the door closed. Away from lack of information as my life is raped by dr victor paul Weirwille and the way international only brought to a higher level by deanne m. Wilson. ... can't really hear. I guess he's soft spoken. Have to wonder what their lives are like. I don't want this life anymore. This is at least christopher's 2nd car accident. As of 15(?) years ago robodick never had an accident. TJ took forever to get his license - he didn't want to drive. Gee I wonder why? Brain trauma diagnoses abusively ignored. Robodick drove slow - that I remember. Then in NYC his car was hit and run while parked. I don't want this life anymore. I just don't want this and will not have it without justice. No way this tragic laughing stock in America. No way. ... and I fell asleep. And there they go out to dinner and I worry about Chris falling and it's time for my drunken stupor soon as the annals of injustice consume me. And I hear Chris struggle to get in the car as I'm sure the entire street does. ... so mom was nostalgic sounding when talking to Claire b4 and mom doesn't mention the recommended dr but the dr they're going to on Monday. I don't remember what put it in my head but I let mom know the first time 20 years ago I was denied medicaid type things. That I've been dealing with them way longer than her and she crashed a life by ignoring that (and lying about it in court). ... I come back from christine's bathroom and do as she requests to call mom she's awake. Mom tells me to just give her her crutch but as I'm walking through the kitchen back to my room I say "you have to go make sure she doesn't fall. I heard you yesterday say you need to call someone in here for help (because this is too much). Go down to morristown and get help. Fucking stupid." I then hear mom get up and go back to her. ... so the peaceful feeling freak show I got when Christopher was at the house I knew to snap out of because it doesn't take care of medical needs me and Christine profoundly live with that Claire just doesn't have and is out of touch with. I really have to wonder if she is tapping into the Near Death Experience Stephanie was having as she was dying. I'm debating whether to go to Christine's doctor's appt Monday. I can't believe all this time Claire has not been gong to these. She doesn't know the lax that exists with mom and we greatly suffer. Fucking stupid. ... FUCK. I got my days met mixed up. Need to stay up if going to go to Christine's appt and at that don't know I will be able to think straight. ... I'm not going today and this bag of medical rocks is not going to get this right. Did her doctor hand a prescription to mom saying check possible nonworking acl and although it's been happening for over 2.5 years? The doc didn't even give me a chance to talk about her ill fitting crutch. He was too busy cutting me off about her weight I've heard for 20 years. During court proceedings the doc she's going to today said nothing about her knee and I don't remember back that far if it was snapping back. I also don't remember right now if the knee snapping back is the same w the splint which would be the smoking gun of my correctness and deanne m Wilson's gross negligence. Why do I have this overwhelming feeling some place Someone's orgasm is in the way of christine's care? ... ok she's awake and I have observed. It's the leg w the splinter that snaps back. Harvard and yale don't mean a damn thing for my sister who has suffered at the hands of negligence. ... but our care is stuck w a medical bag of rocks. The name dyal is English but I don't know if it's the doctor's surname or married name. I'm just going to get number w etoh and pray I don't wake to this foolishness. I lived w a bent tibia in my leg for almost 25 years. I'm well aware of the lack of care and danger we've been under. Meanwhile as airhead has only had brain concussion to deal with only worsening it through time, the vortex is likely to pull someone under. You fucking evil at morris county court house. ... or wait maybe it's the other leg which is the one dyal operated on the foot/ankle. I'll have to observe again. Christine is swinging her moods this morning probably because of mom's negativity after I left. ... ok when Chris finished breakfast I held up her nightgown slightly as she walked toward her room. It's definitely the splint leg. Harvard and yale get ready to kiss my sex-deprived fat white ass. But knowing I have no lawyer I'll just keep getting number until I sleep and maybe I'll be able to accept or not accept what's coming next. ... slept for a few hrs and woken by the garage door opening bracing for the next rape to happen in our lives kind of like there's some pedophile priest getting off on this. Time for appt is now 11 am. What's the next rape? On round 2. Just as mom feeds off worry there is some pedophile out there getting off on mom's medical and legal delusions. Mom came out and said christine's doctor said to go to the proceedings dr out of politeness - a recording I still need to send to the lawyer whose behavior reminds me of a high school need. He's mastered his professional life but he is pisspoor in certain areas that must have earned him enemies in his personal life. ... they're home 5+ hours later. Drank all this time but haven't slept. I'm not even going to ask. I hear mom moaning in pain on the driveway from getting the mail. If I ask Chris what happened she won't be able to tell me. Chris has been louder in her personal care struggles since the social worker was here. Chris just told me dyal said she's ok and I asked if she told about the knee snapping back and Chris said no but she said dyal had her walk. You can't see it with christine's pants on. ... time to listen to mom's version if I'm still awake. I lost my life with either these 1horse1carriage drs, traveling to the city and prepared beforehand to walk correctly, or improper involvement by my guardian. ... I must be awake for a reason. After the garage woke me at 10:30 I've been drinking myself back to sleep since and still haven't slept. Part of it could be my untended to sex-drive keeping me awake. Usually when I'm awake like this some kind of shit is going to blow over. It's that built in intuitiveness. ... I used to complain about hearing in the classroom and mom took me to the pediatrician who took a hearing test and said nothing's wrong so my senior year of hs I took matters into my own hands with the school nurse. FINALLY AFTER LOSING ALL THOSE YEARS OF SPECIAL ED I FINALLY GOT A DIAGNOSIS. Too little too late. History is just repeating itself with this medical bag of rocks. Normally I would be drinking myself to sleep right now but hopefully I'm still awake to hear her version. ... mom's talking to someone from christine's groups and how a main person has a better life living away from here. I've heard about this person for YEARS. I think I lightly napped for s bit but don't think I missed much. I'm in anguish over our neglect. Pure anguish made worse by so much. As far as my medical neglect Claire also went for hearing test prior to accident - therefore me having brain trauma is bs. Anguish of... mom "didn't make final decision???" About what??? I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!! told them about the bus situation and has to fight to get Chris back to her shop. FREAKING OUT. In mom's 1/2 baked shell Chris has only had a prob with steps in the past ONE year. NO IN THE LAST YEAR I'VE BEEN SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. ... I had been recording my dreams here in protest of the absolute psychobabble that goes to show we're victim even to our courts - I can still see the defense attorney's expression when I revealed a dream from long ago of a Chinese man hanging upside down dead suspended in mid air. He's no psychologist for sure. He just couldn't get any psychoses out of me. Then when I mentioned I had a bat in my house his NJ pampering really came through as he really tried to take me down because he was sheltered from these regularly occurring acts of nature. Then he came at me again because when I said I recuperated on an island. THAT'S when the other attorney (from NY - who looked and sounded like Howdy Doody or one of those characters) inserted his knowledge on the giant baby from NJ. Anyway, this morn I have to wonder if mom's friend visited me in a dream that overwhelmingly had her unseen presence but the only thing about the dream is a large part of the puzzle me and Chris were working on lifted up in one giant piece twisting off into the air. I stopped recording my dreams when they started getting funky and more frequent. Someone capable of spirit manipulation is on to me? Anyway mom's friend is not doing well in the hospital and I'll find out soon enough if her spirit visited me. It means she would finally understand I'm NOT ok and my brain damage is simply the unobvious parts of the brain. Btw, that NJ lawyer I had to ask if he was really a lawyer or an intern - which is really one of those development milestones NY robbed me of as they held me back from my career. ... so now I'm onto another round hoping for some more sleep as I'm guessing I only got 3. The universe has kept me awake before but my antennae is still searching for what is so wrong. Oh yeah and how ironic just after this deposition a song came out on the radio with a Chinese sounding beginning. The damage done to me by corruption is beyond words. ... I think mom is mixing up her stories. I highly doubt it was me. The daughter had someone leave a relationship because they wanted nothing to do with mom and handicapped sister moving in. Then again it is 1st thing in the morning for her. ... so tonight yahoo greeted me with a strange comment that there's been unusual activity on my account and to verify it's me. I really don't believe the back up email I gave them exists anymore so I canceled out and it let me in anyway. hmmm. Is that what the universe was trying to tell me is wrong yesterday or is yahoo just having glitches? So today mom asked if I remember the bag lady that used to be around here. OF COURSE I DO. I REMEMBER SPECIFICS ABOUT SO MUCH THAT I'VE HAD FLASHBACKS TO ALLL THESE YEARS. I KNOW EXACTLY THE LIFE I GOT AWAY FROM AND THE REASONS WHY - ONLY FOR HER TO TURN IT INTO A BUNCH OF SHIT LIES TO A CORRUPT JUDGE. In other words when encountering a situation all these years out in the world I would think back to the context it was in where I grew up. ... there's an irony of the dentist Claire will be going to but there was something else I needed to report first. Oh yeah that I recorded the dead air that made this life flash before eternity that I will be sending off to the fifty something high school nerd squad simulator who is the most lovely chatter / engager but then suddenly will open ignore you. No worries. Nerds aren't so bad. Had I gotten a diagnosis in the early school years I might be a nerd too. I probably would have wound up like my father - a geek - but I'm sure nerds and geeks have some common ground. So anyway, backup. My dream about mom's friend was either premonition or my brain revealing a gut feeling I intuitively felt. I had the dream about 48(?) hours ago. Mom's friend returned to spirit within the last 24 hours. I would go by days but staying up overnights really puts your days into oblivion. That's why for a paying job (unless I was left to have my totally own hours) I need to sleep during normal sleeping hours. So when mom got through making some phone calls. I asked about the handicapped daughter going to a group home now but it turns out she's not unless her sister decides. I asked about Christine if anything happens to mom and I got dead air. (I actually forgot that the guardianship states she will go to Claire - MOM COULD HAVE OPENED HER MOUTH AND CLARIFIED THIS. BUT NOOOO ALL AROUND THERE IS THIS COMFORT OF MOM IN KEEPING HER IN DENIAL. SMFH. SMFH. AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. Anyway when discussing with mom preparing for the future it was DEAD FUCKING AIR. DEAD FUCKING AIR. So onto the irony. Claire is now doing what I used to do of robo calling the house and leaning on mom for doctors.  Claire is going to mom's old dentist that I went to. The irony. Claire won't be submitting no-fault insurance info for payment. This dentist sent my bill eventually to a collection agency. I'm pretty sure I had an unfinished root canal from them. Unfinished? Welcome to the guidance I followed long after living in other parts of the country because mom is my only lifeline from leaving a children's hospital. YOU'RE A FUCKING EVIL GENIUS DEANNE M. WILSON AND YOU ARE NOTHING BUT SHAME CRISTINA MIRDA ESQ ALONG WITH STEVEN J STRAUB, GOV. CHRISTIE'S OFFICE, AND THE LONG LIST OF ALL THAT FUCKING FAILED THESE LIVES. So anyway because we were all kept in good health by a guardian who is only problematic when it comes to medical the unfinished root canal tooth was fine for the next 7 - 10 years. It then cracked while I was eating my one meal of the day (a salad from Subway when I had credit cards) in 2008(?) maybe 2007. I don't think I was living in my car yet when it went but I had to be so it had to be more like 2009 or 2010 because I remember exactly - anyway, Claire does not have loose teeth from a childhood broken jaw like I do. How ironic this dentist will have no need to connect all the dots of the unresolved family he is dealing with. smh. maybe something will change now because, unlike then, our underwear is all online for all to see (and I'm left to be the casualty) - FUCKING GENIUS WILSON. FUCKING GENIUS. ... mom is a childish piece of work. She said this morning she wanted to be awake to drive Chris to work. I know exactly what would happen but more on that later. Then I'm making coffee this morn 1/15/16 and she reasks if I'm making coffee and I say I'm waiting for the Britta to fill up. She is struggling with her hands to open an 8oz bottle of water. As I go to tend to the Britta that she told me was done she says "well since you're walking by can you open this?" I ignore her as I wish my morning Curse to the morris county surrogate's court as we are left in this stress to be taken care of by this woman who pulls at straws for survival putting us in unnecessary danger and hardship. Let the Curse fan out to airhead and robodick as another life rape occurs. This woman will go to her shop and no one will prevent the feebleness solely caring for christine and mom will have the wool over their eyes as she plays their sympathy and unknowing card as they tell her about a special walker christine could have had 2.5 years ago since dying in a western desert didn't happen and the CO plan didn't work out either. This morning upon waking mom's true colors of impatience came out when I told her Chris was awake and calling her (ever since the social worker was here and I outed what's REALLY going on mom's been with her 1st thing in the morn and a lot of times in the bathroom). Mom's coldness and annoyance that destroyed two little children released from a hospital resounded throughout the house. ... in mom's slowed down days Chris has to ask a few times for mom to pour her a second cup of coffee. I could swear she's waiting for me to get up for my own so I can take care of Chris and that's what she would have done but I didn't get up for my own. After the bottle water incident Chris asked me to bring her mug over and I said "when we're ready to have coffee" and she said we were (which isn't the case until the toaster is done) so mom suggests using "christine's other mug" and I say she doesn't have another mug. Mom then produces a mug me and Chris used to vie over for years and mom turns on that cold destructive tone of voice as if I know nothing about this house and I say "well I know that but it's not HER mug. Mom's tone of voice changes as if another personality has surfaced and she says "well I do." No one saved these children from this unhealthy house only brought to a higher level by deanne m. Wilson. ... emotion probably caused by raised liver enzymes as I just saw a war protester interrupt Republican Texas rep Thornberry on c-span like Madea Benjamin did. Maybe it was madea - idk. She had an anti war poster and wanted to talk about Saudi Arabia. I've watched madea picked up and carried out of the room by security. This protester was walked away from the camera by two reps who got up from the table. Thornberry went back to his snooty(?) air citing the appreciation of our amendment of free speech making a joke * eye roll * at how we live in a humdrum society sleep walking when it comes to change. ... we get to the Chinese buffet and mom tells me I should have asked for 3 teas just in case. SPACE CADET. I Tell her I don't drink tea bcoz it keeps you alive. Chris understood it was a negative comment - more later including the back sequence of events through the day. I repeat again what I told her to do 2.5 years ago. R U LISTENING DEANNE M. WILSON? so as we're leaving the funeral home I use the bathroom and thought of taking Chris w me but didn't. I come back to them and ask Chris if she has to go and she says no (becoz of mom's unfairness) and I say "it's big enough" and Chris then asks mom if she can go and mom's stress begins openly complaining in front of her friend that it's going to take another 1/2 hour and I say "no bcoz I'm taking her. The only thing that went wrong is as I was going to open the bathroom door a little kid went to run in front of her and Chris had to yell at him. Mom has taught her to be obliviously angry even in public. She had me the same way going out into the world. Backing up I saw Chris sitting at the service staring into space. NO FAIR SHE'S BEEN LEFT A BUMP ON A LOG. I WHIP OUT MY SMART PHONE AND ASK CHRIS what she wants me to look up. No idea. I suggest debby boone and once I show her her pic Chris is alive w interactiveness. I ask if she remembers the words to you light up my life and she thinks and says some. I bring up a mobile version and ask her if she can read it and she says yes- to my surprise. I actually thought evaluations of her say no especially since CLAIRE buys large print. She does the same for elvis presley, lucille ball, abbott and costello, but when it comes to what she likes ... there was nothing after the accident she likes. She named that she used to like to play tennis. (So I guess Claire cut off the phone tonight to go pray about this read by one of her family members). Anyway, going further back in the day I talked to one mother of special needs whose child has brain damage from fever at 1 and 4 yrs of age and that mother was very surprised to find out I lived in a hospital w christine and I also have brain damage and we were all in this accident. Will go further back in the day tomorrow. ... this was an american mother who as she talking about her intellectual involvement with her children my heart was breaking over the inadequacy we were left with. Further back in the day we were finishing eating our lunch out. I was still eating when mom finished her burger and I felt the need to throw up when she does her usual of the craziness that ruined lives because she's an inappropriate guardian in America: "I should have had something else." Nice way to ruin medically needy children who need a sense of peace upon discharge from a Children's hospital. ARE YOU LISTENING DEANNE M. WILSON? Christine's appt with the neurologist is this week. After what I witnessed yesterday she's got people telling her falls can be caused by brain tumors yet christine's orthopedic needs I intuitively know have not been evaluated as needed. It's ok at the moment. Numbing agent in hand as I go back on an overnight sleep schedule. ... so in other words christine is an existing zombie since the accident. I've seen her come alive at puppies and babies. This is no fair to her. ARE YOU LISTENING DEANNE M. WILSON? The other day as mom stuggled to provide lunch for christine she said " you have to go back to shop. This is too much." There's a series of things that happened these past couple days that I haven't recorded and forget by now that this overwhelmed woman should never be caring for us demonstrates. But who's listening to the children of injury???? Now this woman is talking about a wig just because a parent of special needs uses one! Mon doesn't suffer hair loss! Mom's defensive that years ago people whore them. Who's going to help her put that on everyday??? Answer: that'll be figured out later. Riiiiiggghhtt nice planning. ... for the second time that I can remember someone told me the other day I should write a book about my life. I'll be dead and gone by then I'm guessing. Just need to wrap things up. Need to let go of corruption that will never be fixed so it seems. I rolled my eyes at the south american priest who led the service 1. Is he here legally and 2. The catholic church is now talking about reincarnation? It sure sounded that way to the camelian church. ... feeling so sadd. To the point I wanted to drink myself back to sleep before. Waiting for dinner to arrive. I have bills to pay at the last possible minute. I have the innate need to breathe to get over. ... laying here with too much of a burden to bear put on me by so many drugs. Need to pay bills. Don't feel like going out. ... definitely not going out. Gripped by the fear mom taught me so well. Why did my electric bill go down? Did my furnace stop working? I won't find out til tomorrow when I call the electric company and maybe someone to check. Cheers. ... life rape. Life rape. Life rape. Can't hold my self together. No one saved us. Rape. My house is destroyed? I have no one saving or protecting me. This stupid loose cannon in America overestimating what I understand in life. I'll never get over the price I paid for these delusions by this immigrant and the corruption. These fucking drug addicts left me here. These fucking drugs ... it's 6:30 am and mom comes in to put pants and whatnot on. I hear Chris call and tell mom and mom annoyedly says she knows and complains of her own struggles. I yell to TELL HER! and she does. Mom will now pretend (?) she can't hear and then ignore Chris? Mom had the fall to complain to the social worker of christine's outbursts as if she has 2 abusive children but Claire's a saint becoz she acts nice like other grown american children. Maybe I shouldn't even bother finding heat situation out. I'm just better off dead.Chris has been very verbalize since the social worker visit. ... haven't called yet. Remembered I'm probably late on my water bill. Gas bill will be late due to Martin luther king day. I just don't give a fuck anymore. I said for years I need help with stuff and never got adequate help and now it's all too obvious. And now I'm left to rot in shit by an inadequate - don't fret. Just have another drink for all that failed me. ... for all the low lifes out there thinking I'm in a midlife crisis because it helps Italian mama negligence, I've had my boobs hurting leading up to my period since I started putting on weight more than fifeteen years ago. There was a period of time I drank bilberry juice everyday and I lost the ability to predict my period because it made that condition go away. Midlife crisis HAS NOTHING to do with the very essence of my life being pulled from under me by a surprise letter from a surrogate court backed by lies from a woman who deserved ALL of her kids court ordered out of the home. CHRIST you people are a sad bunch. Anything to cover up THE LAW that was supposed to be protecting us. Justice or death for me. Not living like a zombie as christine has been left. Most likely brain damage appetite and zoloft threw off my blood sugar. Again NJ zombies buy into the corruption of Wilson and the good-sex-need of Claire OVER my sound knowledge. ... mom is learning about discrimination from the very people she discriminated against. The Italian mama was married to a local truck driver. ... maybe I'll stay in again tonight. No justice no peace. ... another drink. The emotionally abusive sisters are talking. It's ok my cousin's sons hop trains for a living but I was brought up to be crazy for whatever I chose to do. I'm telling you I'm a terrorist waiting to happen unless this situation is taken care of. This was my LIFE deanne m. Wilson or does your jackass ways just not get that? Time for another drink. How about you? Aunt Maureen who also has been saying for years christine needs to do more than puzzles just got off the phone quick after Chris yelled in frustration after I told her for the 3rd time a certain piece doesn't fit on. Christine going to an unaccepting Claire is disaster waiting to happen. I topped off a quart of Vodka today Wilson. How about you? ... phone definitely needs care and hopefully I can wait until new billing cycle. Car charger works fine. How did I ever survive? W so much energy and drown in medical abuse? Smh. Not having an outlet and I think I was in my 30s on a home visit when I controlled the abuse by drinking and going to sleep. Finally found a way to cope. ... thinking back to all the times we were second class citizens because mom would state how maybe all these other people won a lawsuit and got millions like when her friend's daughter got hit by a car or my childhood friend was seriously injured during a boating dui or the daughter next door got into an accident and has a father who works for a good company. We're left as shit in this country because our guardian has no confidence (?) or just doesn't have what it takes to protect us. Oh yeah and there's the times in college when not only did mom get needed insight from a brain injury counselor and do nothing, she would just lament about the idea of us getting justice. CALL A FUCKING LAWYER THEN!!! I was in classes at the time! Now the statute of limitations has run out. THE LAST HOPE TO HAPPEN HERE IS THE SURROGATE'S COURT. fucking stupidity. ... Christine has to tell mom to lower the tv. I remember when her and Chris used to watch tv in my room and my dog would jump up between them and settle down. I suddenly remember sitting on the rocks at Monterey bay and a guy wasn't able to kiss his date because the dog he had w him got jealous. I may have been sitting in my car. ... Smh at all the good that dog did for christine and all mom can say is "yeah there were a lot of laughs w the dog." My mother's unsolved issues imposed on us and never investigated. ... this woman just got off the phone w Claire and asked me to open her eyedrops her arthritic hands struggling with. Me: no! Mom: what? Me: you just told Claire you don't what you're going to do about Chris getting her bus back and you have me here who can take her but you won't go to morristown. Think about what the hell you're doing! Mom: shut up! Me: well think about what the hell you're doing! Mom: get out! Me: see! Instead of thinking about what you're doing you just try to avoid it like that! Mom still can't open her eyedrops. ... I'm actually starting to slide right into restless depression again. I'll just drink myself to sleep rather than go out tonight. I'll be damned I'm going in the kitchen just so mom can ask me again to open her eyedrops. ... so today mom took Chris to the neurologist and I have yet to find out mom's version but according to Chris she's fine. I ALREADY KNEW THAT and I reminded Chris what her GP said that mom hasn't followed up on but rather took the diagnosis of a foot and ankle specialist. I'm telling you I've been through the same wasted time w this woman. ... mouth piece is missing. I'll take it! The more cracked teeth the better. ... Claire called early this morning 1/22/16 to say she had to work. It sounded like mom wasn't expecting a call until 9am and Claire was 20 minutes early about. Now what inappropriateness is Chris going to be brought through? She was brought to an orthopedic foot and ankle specialist who was not given the full story by mom and then brought to an inappropriate neurologist. Now there's something w Claire who doesn't have medical insight. Chris sounds as oblivious as I did within mom's southern comfort. ... AND SHE DID IT AGAIN AS SHE'S LEAVING THE HOUSE CASUALLY SAYS TO CHRIS SHE FORGOT TO TAKE SOMETHING WITH HER TO PHARMACY FOR HER CRUTCH. 2 OR 1 YEARS AGO I THOROUGHLY WENT THRU CHRISTINE'S CRUTCH PROBLEMS AND WAS IGNORED. MY ADRENALINE AND RESTLESSNESS IS BUILDING UP TOWARD YOU DEANNE M. WILSON. CHRISTINE HAS A NEW BRAIN INJURY BECAUSE OF YOU MORON. WHAT? WE DON'T FUCKING MATTER????? ... riiiigghht terror is not deciding a Uranium future for Nigeria 3000 miles away in Kenya.
as far as I know no one has or will be prosecuted in any way for that White collar terrorism is allowed in the world. ... as my warped life flashes before my eyes partially from having no sense of my mother's life of her own I replied to her "you shouldn't have gone out today" with "you have no problem chopping wood because you used to always do it. How many people in NJ do you know who chop wood? Exactly." And Claire just called having her fake, i'd-rather-be-having-an-orgasm conversation w mom. Asking mom if we're ok here and mom lies to her as usual as I have told Claire many times but Claire doesn't inquire further assissting mom w her 1/2 baked shell. ... and now she's on the phone w peggy from columbiettes(?) saying all doctors said christine is fine so now she has a fight on her hands. The fight of lies. ... I left christine's primary a voicemail tonight that mom didn't take christine to the stated physician because mom decided her primary only said it out of politeness to me. That mom only gave as much info as she wanted so she could hear what she wanted. That I'm in a wheelchair now because an elbow specialist did my acl/meniscus repair. Help! ... did I mention Chris started hitting me last night? A couple times I was able to restrain her hand. Even during a blowout Chris will say she wants to get better but she started crying I think when she couldn't put together mom's not doing it and Claire's not doing it. I'm trying to but can't do it with mom under the radar. Mom zeroed in on throwing out a childish - nm I'm exhausted. ... after Christine was hitting me and I gave up on mom's bullshit I rolled away and I hear christine say she hates me. It was extremely hurtful but remember back to the the irish International who was here working at a campus who I overheard her throw around the word hate. I rolled back and I think again I went over again with Chris what getting better entails. Then I ripped into mom about lying to me that Chris had to go to the bathroom. This woman has been the most innapropriate guardian for medically needy children when I was brought up to be discriminatory towards "those type of people." More later. Exhausted. ... so mom called the pharmacy over christine's crutch(es). The pharmacy doesn't carry guardian signature brand anymore. Mom freaked a bit over change. Now I know where to go for records of christine's crutch including wycoff. Numbing myself from all this. Hope I wake up before the liquor stores close on a Sunday atleast in this neck of the woods. Christine's attitude threw me off this morning so I didn't feel like doing a puzzle with her. I helped her get a few pieces on. When I heard her enjoying the TV channels she wouldn't have without me I didn't even bother. Now Chris is laying down and sleeping her days away like that with temper tantrums is how she would be without me. As mom listens to her irish radio program and lives that could have been fall to waste in America. As one irish told me about the older generation irish (priests anyway) "rot in peace." ... plow guy who is a local just left here with his girlfriend. He does the same as my ex. Even tho my ex wasn't a jock there are just some exact commonalities. Kind of like "I'm a nice small town guy but secretly whipped with a hot body girl like you." As a matter of fact my younger days body type matches many Spanish women like Arianna Grande. That's reality of rape(?) when the Spanish armada invades Ireland. NICK TYPO SHOULD BE "JOCK". ... so tonight christine went to bed earlier because she was bored having no one working on the puzzle w her 1/24/16. Not sure if she has the capacity to piece together AND ITERATE life with or without me. And I looked up ariana grande who is apparently Italian. Deceptive name. How is a name like grande Italian? Anyway also looked up history of Spanish armada which I'm going to look more into. It doesn't sound so far like much of the armada survived the weather conditions surrounding Ireland. I also have no memory of when I was an A cup. ... I really don't feel comfortable in this situation. Mom is really negative this morn and christine has learned well to be and sound just like her. No one is stepping into this situation of craziness for fairness of injured children. Justice and only justice. ... I guess I'll drink my day away? Normally I would be out w christine working on the puzzle and making her laugh. She enjoyed just as much hearing me make 45 minutes worth of phone calls the other day. Mom proved my case about laying shit w no preparation the other night when she dropped a casual bomb of Chris going to a group home. Stupid bitch has no sense or care how traumatic that is for me. Yeah even if it's for a night time schedule here comes the numbing agent until this situation is fixed. I'm surprised to hear Chris talk about things from long ago like shoe-town. Potential gone to waste. ... so grateful to hear back from julie at christine's primary and understand what she told me that bcoz my name is not on HIPPA but Claire and mom was he may not be able to speak w me. We will play phone tennis bcoz of my sleep schedule but it's not looking good all bcoz I'm not included in christine's care. ARE YOU LISTENING DEANNE M. WILSON?????? ... lives that could have been saved and it breaks my heart Chris is sitting out there all alone. It breaks me even further the incompetence in America she's been handed to. And everything I could be doing for her. I'm on round 2 because a helicopter flying over woke me up. Does anyone care to fix this situation? After all these years christine only now more verbalize needing personal help. Fucking jackass mocking a call for help now after Chris was put it ... nm exhausted. ... not enough sleep for an overnight. Chris is back sitting alone w mom but she can't see through the bullshit. She started crying after I made it crystal clear to her she wants to get better but mom is not taking her and Claire is not taking her and I'm trying to take her but can't w/o being added to her care based on mom's history. Chris doesn't know what to do. She's confused and I know it to be partially caused by mom's southern comfort. I think my next step is to put something in writing and request it to be added to christine's chart and send copies other places so there is no mistake. The other night blowout is poignant. Mom did her usual of me getting out and the back and forth about the police and christine said call the police to solve the problem just like Chris is able to get up from a fall when police are here. Mom didn't follow christine's instructions but I said it's one way for me to get a lawyer - not that this charge would take care of another. Sometimes you hear of that happening but in my situation as always nothing ever works in my favor - protection never provided for me as a disabled minor at six years of age turned 18 and could have been protected but Claire's court order was to be candied over through religion and childbirth. And I sit here and drink. And christine had her last cup of tea early partially due to mom's childish manipulation. When christine says she wants tea at 8pm mom asks if it's her last cup and Chris says no only for mom to get on the phone that by the time she's done Chris says to make her last cup. Mom knows what she's doing and we're the ones suffering. ... how ironic Claire calls. Mom FINALLY got the noise checked out in her car and honda wants 600 dollars to replace her power stearing. She admits it's been like that from the start. Duh! All mom asks is if someone is working. Her recklessness with me goes farther. Actually her harrassment of me goes farther. So it sounds like Someone's job is having problems w pay. Will they go to court? Now she's talking about a new crutch(es) and isn't going to call christine's bus until she has one. She admitted to Claire she forgot about christine's crutch. SHE PLAYED A DIFFERENT TUNE W ME. now Claire is teaching mom how to redeem her points without going online. ... wide awake after 2 hours because this 1/2 deaf idiot - who is only an idiot 1. Because they refuse to get a hearing aid and 2. Because they've been left in charge while ommitting the tragic value of things done to christine - left the tv on loud. Go for it you bitch. Saying nothing to a child about their dead sister as they come home from a hospital is of equal value as casually mentioning one is going to a group home. Do it you abusive bitch and you'll be sorry. Keep up your say-not-do abusiveness or do it. Either way you'll be sorry for the abusive shit you put your kids through in a country you don't belong in post accident and post widow. Die bitch for what you've done to us or rot in peace along with your abusive catholic priests. I don't know how to name the aloofness Claire is living in but I assure you as long as I know the truth danger lurks for you. Yeah nice way for me to be christine's medical guardian. Some of us are too honest. Some of us have been abused and left for dead by a corrupt court. And just to think those reckless and abusive acts happened almost 37 years apart. I spent the majority of those years under the impression everything will turn out ok from this woman's southern comfort. Christine doesn't see it coming while Claire's head remains in the clouds. Tonight Claire called while mom was doing her eyedrops. It's been over a year and Claire learned for the first time mom lost sight in one eye (while in the care of a nursing home -but mom didn't say that). DAH! THAT'S HOW MEDICALLY INVOLVED CHRISTINE'S SOLE OTHER GUARDIAN IS IN THIS FAMILY. ... my bad. These similar events happened more like 38 years apart. I came home from the hospital for the 1st Thanksgiving after so the year was still 1978. When my father came to pick me up for the weekend I was still saying I can't wait to see stephanie and he said stephanie's dead with the only words said on the way home were "just don't say anything to your mother about stephanie." I walked in the door, did just that and she said nothing to me nor did she ever receive counseling. I'll be the one to kill you bitch I swear from what you put us through WHATEVER CLOUD CLAIRE IS LIVING IN. ... now this woman is back to her pathetic pain noises and I'm on round 3 because I need enough sleep today after being woken up AGAIN by the loud tv this morning. ... cleaning lady is leaving and witnessed me making christine laugh thru burping. Cleaning lady made joke of it and I fed into it but when I rolled away I said " yeah w all the ways I make Chris laugh but Chris needs to understand about getting better ...nm it's a mess..." and mom sits there like a bump on a log Smh. Cleaning lady has a husband 15(?) years older than her. I guess I was too self conscious to go for it nm disabled. Sinking into depression as Chris sits here in a solitaire game like boggle. I'm just trying to get back to sleep at 12:30pm to be awake at 3pm for chiropracter at 5:30pm ... ... 4 page letter to primary is done. Still trying to figure out all the places copies will go to. No way in hell it's only going one place. Lesson learned to not suppress injured children. Make no mistake. I have no delusions this will finally help children that have been crying out for years. I told christine yesterday she has no idea the impact her " call the police " would have had on my life (to further destroy it). ... mom just let christine know how inconvenient she is (as usual). Mom's on the phone and Chris calls me because she dropped the toilet paper trying to turn it the right way. Mom hears and I gladly let mom take care of christine. Mom gets there and yells at christine for the inconvenience (common around here) and christine overwhelmed yells "sorry." Chris then says the cleaning lady put it on that way and I correct christine it was like that before cleaning lady was here. That mom made a mistake and mom jumps to the opportunity I'm lying. AM is on the phone hearing all this. Mom states " I know what I did." So do I. You made a mistake. That roll was put on there before the cleaning lady was here. And christine sits alone again tonight. ... I'm way overdue for a nap before I go out tonight. Used christine's bathroom and mom tries to justify and Chris agrees. I correct both of them as I am a regular user of the bathroom. I tell mom she made a mistake just as she made a mistake of turning off her daughter's desire to get better. When I'm back in my room I miss what mom said to christine so I mute the tv and realize mom told her to ignore me and Chris says "I know. " eventually I come to my phone saying I'm putting it online and she says "you should putyourself online" and I let her know they know me through her. This is no fair to christine. ... took pictures of christine's crutches. The one she's been using indoors is not as beat up around the armband as the outdoor one. She's been using the indoor one solely since no shop. Bottom is slantedly worn pretty much the same on both. ... hmmm tried to look up transferred blog post of John A Kaplan being the love of my life and the Meatloaf concert dream and it's gone alongside the motorcycle dream w my ex singing 2 out of 3 and they are gone. Will have to look more into this when I'm sober but if someone is trying to censor me you picked the wrong person. Where did those records go? ... found it. Still sob over the life I lost(?). It still rides a raw nerve. ... just lost all I typed due to phone problems. Sinking into depression wondering if I wasted all my time as a silly butler kid. In the past 24 hours only sleeping 1 to 3 hours at a time. Onto another round. Miss my nerdy friend but whatever. ... woke 10:30 am. Depressed. Depressed. Should I drink my day away? Can someone save me? Will someone save me? Alcohol just won out. Should have done your fucking job deanne m. Wilson. Mom's talking about how she wants to go to senior living (because it's great for someone else). Everything that came out in court will be fucking ignored just like the I - I told her she doesn't have to live like this and I was blown off. I have no protection and neither does christine. Cheers. ... depressed depressed depressed depressed. Need to mail copies but who to? Too bad it's Friday. Who did this to me? Not doing well today. As long as I'm alive this is to be fixed. This was my LIFE. thrown to a bunch of drug addicts. Depressed ... another couple hours of sleep. Another round. Still miss my needy friend ... mom is on phone w work friend Marie. Talking about the deaths from the storm. Work friend who sells avon never called back. Maybe that friend knows the truth I'm posting online. Talking about she's taking Chris to shop on Monday and then starting a fight w her bus. Wish I had gotten those other copies out today. Alcohol is making up for it. Anyway there's lots of people who miss the nerd when he's gone. I just have a particularly lonely life and since I'm single and he's not our communication is not all that free. Life is now dull -  Mom received a fruitcake from Marie for christmas. If her friend used to always talk about losing weight (the one passed away) that stemmed from the truth I told her that mom kept christine plumped up so mom never had to deal w Chris getting pregnant. Depressed. Depressed. I think mom's friend is from the first job she was laid off from. Not the most recent. I just need to let go from this life. I just need to go and right now I need to refills my Vodka drink. Mom is now off the phone w Marie. Oh these fucking syntax incompatibilities google has. Have to fix that w the nonmobile I plan on being later. Nothing is supposed to be crossed out. Have myself my refill and as usual mom complains I did wrong by buying boneless ribs but that's what the deal was. They're not going out tonight and mom has Chris brainwashed that all is ok now thru her southern comfort. If I die tonight throw a party. ... got ready to go out tonight but suddenly feel I've got enough Vodka to get me through the night. Mom turns down the TV as they are talking about CTE - hiding her soiled hands behind her back. Depressed. If only I could get the words out of all the inappropriate bullshit in this house. My ex seen it all. Waiting the 1/2 hour after my thyroid supplement for Vodka. Can't handle this. Who did this to me? To us? ... still awake at 2am. Still drinking Vodka. So that's how me and Chris wound up w boobs at an early age - brain damage. Christine's fall from a shopping cart as a baby and the local hospital saying nothing is wrong. I woke from a coma w budding breasts. Unless it was the obstetrician trying something new. ... woke up ready to make coffee for all of us and go out and then I heard the changed tone of voice from christine and I took out the Vodka instead. Mom has influenced christine to "just ignore me" and hearing that inappropriate bullshit hurt just as much as hearing christine say she hates me. Depressed. Cheers. When mom happened upon a channel spelling out the melting of the glaciers and how we're all connected to what's "out of sight. Out of mind" I said "see?" and she waved her hand as if to say "oops. Well I go along with the more progressive and not backwards." ... dream not recorded right away so some details are gone: I learned somewhere in waking life about people disappearing for some time due to Scientology - exact experiences somewhat like new age UFO experience w a hippy twist. The dream started w me and 3 other friends making plans. 1 friend was the nonhandicapped child I was compared to growing up, 1 friend was someone I knew just as well but can't remember who it was and at some points in the dream they are male and in some regards are female. The third was a friend of friends I didn't know but her and I seperated from the other two and were near shop buildings in the amusement park. We were engaged in conversation and she left for some reason and as soon as she did I caught sight of the scientology bald scientology man I had been warned about. For some reason I was easily coerced inside as if no one walking around could help me. The exact ritual including some psychedelic type things began including when he spoke to you from behind there was twice he would grope a women's breasts - once firmly and once not. Because I knew and was prepared for this I wasn't very scared, I resisted his advances, and I noticed a marked lessening of his victory demeanor. I played the trembling fear card at certain times throughout and when he was done I was brought to a room somewhat like the admissions office I worked in college where my purse was located and I picked it up looking to make sure my stuff was still there and saw my smart phone and left. From that reception room I also received a flyer on scientology as I noticed the contact info on the back. When I got outside my friend was not there, there were massive amts of people walking, and massive bldgs and rides. First thought was to stay put as they'll search for me where I disappeared but instinctively walked away from staying nearby and somewhat out of sight. I called all 3 friends leaving a voicemail since that's all I could do. When I had left the building I was concerned how much time had past and remembered victims saying only 8 minutes lapsed but I looked at my watch and 2 hours had gone by. After leaving vm's in this massive place all I could do was wait and feeling devestated waiting dream ended. ... one thing I forgot to mention about the dream is that I was so in control of this brainwashed situation that at I was leaving w my purse and I said to the receptionist "have a nice day" and she responded back the same as if nothing was out of place. Having the last of my Vodka soon. Only slept an hour. Did puzzle w Chris and when I sat down she said "how are you?" I had a real hard time growing up w those informalities of hers. Literally is she stupid? Normal people don't say that to their family everyday but then again Chris is a living zombie when there is so much available to her. Her intolerance for fighting comes from her shop which comes from institutionalized life. Vodka. ... It's taking a lot for me to sit here tonight. Ready to go home and stay in a drunken oblivion for the next few days. Aunt Maureen may be a cold fish when it comes to emotional life but she makes sense in some areas.  As usual mom was going off on her loose cannon tangent about plans of living some place and being defensive with things Aunt Maureen was saying that point out mom is not thinking things out. I started to lose it when she was saying she has a few places in mind to move to. It turns out the things that came out in court are all being ignored by this loose cannon and instead of my sister going to live with Claire this stupid bitch is making plans of putting her away in a group home. Christine will never see me again if that happens as far as I can tell. She also will never see me again if she goes to Claire's the way things are. I will not be a part of these lives that have been shattered by an immigrant who doesn't fucking belong making decisions for medically needy children. Shit hit the fan and I did not record it. I don't always have my recording device available. The more energy I have that has no place go the more unhealthy I am for all involved. Take care of it by reversing the fucking mess made by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. ... and the part of last night's blowout I flashed back to was mom's nodding her head no to the reality christopher was special needs (that if it weren't for Claire, he would have fallen right thru the cracks). What? Claire never told her that? Mom was covering for her? What was that all about? ... Will be quite busy tomorrow. If mom won't listen to her walk down memory lane other people need to know. Some know and won't get involved. I guess my job is to just keep seeking a breakthrough. Even if a breakthrough has come to seem impossible through my outward appearance and time forgotten. ... I didn't sleep enough after drinking for my last nap. I smell like alcohol. Don't think anyone noticed. Flashback to when the same thing happened with the mediator. I can't believe the level of rape that woman feels like but that's the nature of inappropriate psychologists for me. ... so usually the police use the drive thru and SOMETIMES come in here. Tonight came in and looked my way. Reading my social media are we? You bet I'm damaged for life. ah! Janis Joplin on the radio just in time to ease the stress. ... good riddens. get a different job. ... 2/2/16 - mom is calling the different transportation she received from christine's shop. Oh so there are other options! Told-you-so you bag of rocks for ignoring and ruining a life. You wanted so much for me to be like other teenagers in that saying. STUPID. Now you still stay in your 1/2 baked shell expecting me to be like other adults. STUPID. Mom just stated to the bus company that - this phone call not - recording ... DONE. LEGAL STUPIDITY IN AMERICA AND NEGLIGENCE. she says to the bus company " I'm not blaming anyone." FUCKING STUPID. HOW ABOUT WE LEARN OUR ABCs OF INSURANCE CLAIMS AND LEGAL PROTECTIONS. and THIS is what we were left with in America??? Cheers... I wouldn't sound the way I do if it weren't for our medical needs not being met. Mom's an insurance defense lawyer's dream come true. We would have been better off taken out of this country. ... whatever mom has turned into it is no fair to Chris. We were brought up to keep the mind engaged and instead of Chris sleeping the day away I made sure she had that available to her on tv. Mom doesn't remember having Chris to start watching jeopardy long ago? Lately mom has turned on her coldness and snapping at Chris about her gameshows. Some of those shows give us the memory of our father who used to watch it with us. Mom snaps and insults Chris by saying "those shows YOU watch drive me crazy. and Christine gets defensive at the shit being thrown at her.  Maybe I can explain more nonmobile but this cold attitude of mom's is detrimental to Chris getting better. The fucking neurologist is not rehabilitative who said Chris won't function any better. I was evaluated by a neurologist once who said I have nothing wrong w me. Riiiiiggghhtt. Neurologists are not the better doctors. ... woke up feeling like I'm probably not going out tonight. I was making sausage and eggs in the kitchen and mom lays in her chair near there to go to sleep. She asks why I'm cooking now when they're going to sleep and that I have to stop it. I say it just worked out that way and besides she sleeps like a log every night and that her children have lived their lives w sleep disturbances from brain injury and she never had to deal with that. Mom says nothing and about Ten minutes later mentions it again. A day in the life of a family that never dealt with the profound effects of this accident which is exactly what my hospital records recorded as having been observed noting the particular absence of mom and Claire. All these records in the possession of morris county surrogate's court that I copied and gave them before judge deanne m. Wilson made her decision. Yup. ... on 2/4/16 this dumb bag of rocks is doing the phone runaround of trying to get transportation for christine. I finally yelled out she doesn't have to go thru all this if she simply gets back in touch with the surrogate's court and adds me to christine's care. No answer from this incompetent bag of rocks. ... this bag of rocks just made an appt about christine's brace. The same one the dr I brought her to that said it's problematic. She is going over the velcro of the brace. Not the dust in the heel. At least I noted exactly where her records are. Cheers. ... can 4 - 6 four locos in a day lead to fatal alcohol poisoning? I'm about to find out with this waste of a medical immigrant in America who crashed this life into a wall by ignoring them let alone all christine DID NOT HAVE TO GO THRU. she gave the name of christine's primary who has our history in writing - the REAL story. ... and the blowout that just happened here was not recorded. And the louder I got the more christine's sensitve hearing told me to shut up and the more I told christine her life is cut short because of the woman she's protecting (AND DOESN'T KNOW IT). Ha! Total fantasy! Mom goes to the primary for a Prescription and FINALLY something changes. If christine was kept in the hospital for a week as a child as mom is saying IT WASN'T LONG ENOUGH YOU STUPID BITCH. AND HOW CLOSE TO CHRISTINE'S PERIOD WAS SHE THERE????? STUPID STUPIDITY WE WERE STUCK WITH. BUT NOT CLAIRE WHO WAS COURT ORDERED OUT OF THIS HOUSE! ... trying to get myself motivated to go out soon. Need shower. Need an appropriate life. During my rage before "stupid bitch" was said a lot. I'm totally discriminated against by my own family re: my brain injury. I'm so restless and bored I have enough energy to commit murder where murder is due. No job. No family. Fuck a relationship at this point. I'll just take a sex life. If I can't keep track of time and I'm stuck in a time period that won't help me taking care of basic urges will do. Arise! Sigh. Still here. Sulking. I have something to look forward to. To see if I heard back from this reality situation w christine. This medically stupid bitch. It could be worse. I could do like Claire and crash my car drunk into a telephone pole. The way mom acted to her drove Claire to do that. Imagine what it's doing to me.  Stupid. Alright stop babbling. Go brush your teeth. Tomorrow's another day of staying awake late to get more numbing agent because I'm all out. Gee something to look forward to. ... kind of like my Bachelor's degree turned high school material: ... an understood feeling ... so put me to work and let me take some of the stress off which in turn helps me stay away from the bottle: burn baby burn if only I could say that :-( ... how ironic Charlie rose is talking about bi-polar, manic-depression, etc. How ironic. Woe on us who know they're living in a world of moneymaking acceptance rather than the true societal cause of all this. So fucking sad. Smfh over and over and over at these people. Zoloft did so good for me I was skeptical to come off it but like the guy in the dark blue shirt said it became sad to not feel sad anymore via zoloft. SMFH. AND had I gotten pregnant on zoloft what kind of birth-defected kid would I have had? Is it only me who thinks in this world??? ... mom is acting cold and distant(?) w a mix of buddying up with christine against me. This is no fair we're left to this childishness when we have such profoundly medically needy and neglected lives. ... question for Hilary on the msnbc debate: how much did those earrings and necklace cost? Why did you feel the need to turn on a smile as coming onstage? It was obvious. ... woke up this morning with no purpose in life so as I drank myself back to sleep as I helped Chris w a puzzle and we got a lot done. Like a child she expresses her delight at succeeding in getting some of it together. I eat my one meal of the day adding some syrup to the sausage and eggs. I wake up to them going out to eat to the restaurant I'll never set foot in again based on the St Patrick's day fiasco. Still no purpose in life so I'm drinking myself back to sleep but at least I'll be on a night time schedule. No justice means no job, no getting Chris better care she's entitled to, nothing. Received mail that one of my creditors is still trying to negotiate payback before they send me to an attorney. I'm ready to get justice, work, or jump when you are. Cheers. ... for the record I just showed mom again how to use her tv remote. I used the top buttons to show her what channel and time the superbowl comes on and then she complained of it not being on that channel. She's not paying attention. Her microwave I showed her how to use a year ago and she's only gotten parts of the lesson telling me to go away. Yeah. ... 2-8-16 I woke up and mom gone and Chris said she been gone for a while. Flashback to yesterday w how defensive and coldsnap mom was. That means something's up. What mess of our futures are being made now? ... I have a feeling black magic caused someone to get cancer. I hear mom say it's such a shame with their age and job. If only stupid could have the same eye opening about her own situation. That nerd is under my skin and I'm very close to saying buh bye for good. ... mom is on a particularly short fuse. Fighting about things just to be right about something. Stress that is numbed out right now. Stress added by a nerd that WAS formerly taking away stress. ... weird intense dream I was intending on hikingup a mtn I've hiked b4. Got so far and needed to change path so went a way I thought and it was familiar but a dead end and I knew even though the guy saw me once 20 years ago he would remember me coz that's what life is like around there.something about nerd stress has to do with dream. Now I'm completely stressed out by this electronic box. ... round 2 ... a round of gunshots???? I'm sitting right here writing. Don't miss. Make sure it's fatal. Did that have anything to do w the plane I just heard going over? ...Haha! I just noticed there's a wifi connection to "FBiVan2" near my home. I just blew your cover boys. ... had dream I found out the previous owner of my house never filed a certain document and a woman who was giving me advice from the local area gave me directions on what to do that I had to write down on a red piece of paper with black ink. She was running out of patience w me because I was finding it hard to complete the task of simply call to find out or tell they never filed a BM(?) form in the closing. Woke up and spilled the rest of my Vodka drink on mom's throw rug by accident as I was reaching for my phone. As cleaning it up hear mom get denied yet another transportation svc for christine who's been home here yesterday and today 1 for snow that never came and 2 a coating that christine's bus drivers used to break protocol and help her with. Flashback to cristina Mirda esq further raping our lives by winning her argument that I posed a danger to christine because I am able to drive her in blizzards since that is what I'm used to. Writing my exit post to the community since it is more stress than I need. Drafting a post actually. ... mom just lied to christine's Nancy counselor and said she didn't take Chris today because her foot was bothering her. She did admit that she may not take Chris tomorrow depending on the weather. ... to drink or not to drink? At least the timing is right that I'll be able to help christine w her puzzle b4 I pass out if I do. ... I must be stressed. Slept last night. Then couldn't sleep until about 5am. Just woke up 4pm. Not going out tonight. Working more on my exit post later. ... boom and bust like it's been said over and over and over ... mom still the defensive "I have to be right" mode. Something's not right. But anyway like I said hillary picked the wrong time to run. That's just the pattern. ... need more alcohol than usual to go back to sleep. Watching why krill has so declined in the antarctic/arctic. ... there was something on tv the other day talking about seniors needing to be taken care of by their children. I said to mom "so where's Claire doing this?" No reply. ... sinking further. Need saving. ... aunt Maureen called about taking mom out for her 80(th?) birthday and said to tell me if I want to go. I said no she might be as abusive as she was last time so probably not. Go back to Ireland where you understand life (and stop ruining the lives of children in America). The celebration will be in the restaurant I won't go back to too. ... to stay drinking or not to stay drinking? I'm zapped. ... round 2. Only sleeping 1 hr at a time. ... in bed all day. it's 3:30pm. Thinking how this loose cannon lied again about the written facts I handed in. That's probably why mom acted the way she is. Get justice, work, or jump. ... for the record christine may have said she wants to go to shop the other day because I was sleeping all day and she was sitting by herself. ... these past 2 days mom had the taxi take christine to shop. Christine did not relay the info that mom was in the taxi. The taxi driver escorted Chris both on the coated driveway the second day and into shop at least the first day bcoz they called here and asked about it. This is the time mom said Chris won't be there the third day bcoz she is taking her about her brace to a place she's been before. When I heard mom say the name it sounded like they are keeping tabs now. Tonight I said to mom how if things had happened for her 70th birthday it would be different and I would be there. I reminded her how she called me up and chewed me out (but not Claire or am) and she said she doesn't remember. I said "yeah that lack of memory really helps you out." She said she probably went to dinner or something. I said "oh no. I would have heard about that too. The fuck this woman's memory in conjunction w deanne m. Wilson is going to exist in silence while I'm shit on. THE FUCK. Claire used to be the one shit on. Now it's my turn? Hell no. ... they're gone about the brace now. What level of care is christine going to be victim to now because of mom? Chris is consistently verbal now w personal care after the social worker and me spoke. It's as if she were suddenly given permission to not whisper under her breath. She swears up a storm loudly now and mom starts yelling bcoz it's too much any more for mom so intermittent chaos is now the norm. I guess I did the same thing as Chris but there was way too much involved Instead of christine's simple act. When I received surprise guardianship papers in the mail it was from the surrogate's court. What????? The surrogate's court is still an available remedy????? So in the end I'm not going to do a damn thing. All I did that I was told to do and suffered as a result and it turns out I didn't have to????? Well shit go fix it and I'll be here when you get back. I'm not lifting a fucking finger. ... even if Claire isn't going to mom's birthday party robodick is. A man that doesn't belong in this family. Go do for your children what you never did ma. I'll be here floundering until you do. ... mom is having outbursts because she's trying to watch world news and give Chris her second helping but needs to cut it first. Flashbacks to mom's lies in court or rather silence and then lies about the special cutting knife christine has sitting in the drawer since the early 1980s and never uses. Each truth told and ignored is another life rape. Mom had no patience for either one of us to do things. And I paid the price for that when police allowed themselves into my home and used it's condition against me. Meanwhile county worker said it's a cluttered mess and not a sticky mess so they can't help me. The hell this story is ending this way. ... as we were working on a puzzle recently christine did something and said to me "I know what you were thinking." WHERE THE FUCK DID CHRISTINE GET THAT FROM? THE PARANOID DELUSIONAL OLD GENERATION IRISH SISTERS WITH THE SAME WONDERING IF HER AMERICAN BORN WAS PSYCHOPATH BECAUSE HE KEPT TO HIMSELF? So in other words mom is influencing christine against me about "knowing what I'm thinking" in being after christine's money or some shit like that? Can't stand hearing about that man that doesn't belong in this family. It sounds like they're not going to mom's party because the day is Sunday. Not Monday. ... mom just keeps saying she's ok to everyone. Yes kevin is the same age as me. Talking about the "poor girl" w a good job who now has cancer and everyone is upset. She's on the phone w my godmother who failed me before the surprise guardianship. Mom only says she's doing ok. Poor everyone else but these children are left for nothing. They're ok bcoz mom says so. Just like mom w her bullshit story that christine wanted to use the stairs. Why is she now using the elevator and never the stairs when asked? ... mom just handed me mail where she feels obligated to answer insurance and I annoyedly remind her we have no obligation to answer these people just so I can wind up assaulted by police and falsely imprisoned by hospitals DAH! THE last time they didn't pay I called the chiropractor to find out why and our nonresponse had nothing to do with it. ... this woman is overwhelmed in America and we're paying the price. Help us! I'm supposed to be out of my misery by now. Mom has the audacity to tell christine to ignore me and Chris always listens to mom. Help us! ... mom just started going on that I must have had all her mushroom soup. I knew she was mistaken so I went out and verified there were 2 cans sitting right in front. What's the problem? Ans: "I didn't see it." She was confused by the labels saying vegetable classics. We could have avoided this had she tried mushroom soup when I told her in the past but listening to me is not an option. (I JUST CAN'T CONVEY HOW UTTERLY DESTRUCTIVE THAT HAS BEEN FOR MY PAST AND MY PRESENT TO THE POINT IT PARALYZED ME FROM SO MUCH).  Even though bcoz of me she has easier banking, etc. Who left me under this care???? ... when couped up like this I can just feel how on-edge I am on the verge of going ballistic but instead working on the puzzle w Chris was stress relief. .... AN ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN. Chris just fell backwards onto her toilet. Remember 1. When she fell backwards on the bus steps as she was coming down them (SOMETHING MOM WOULD NEVER HAVE KNOWN ABOUT UNLESS IT WAS FOR ME). 2. Chris has a tile floor in her bathroom. Mom's friend that just died broke her either femur or ulna from a fall on her tile kitchen floor. As I just said this to mom she lied and said it was just a sprain. Our lives are caught up in this total and utter bullshit. Danger. ... mom: you done in the bathroom Chris? Chris: no me: did mom go in with you or she's coming to help you out? Chris: to get out. (I finish gathering my things from the elevator and go down the hall to my room. Chris: ok! Me: (as I see mom use the tv control) mom she said ok (THAT'S MOM WITHOUT A HEARING AID) mom: ok one minute! What is that shopping cart doing down there?! (to me). Me: (as I hear Chris struggle) mom go help her! Or else she will wind up with the FRONT of her skull cracked open. Mom: she's not going to fall. Me: she fell backwards onto the toilet before! Before she bled out on the driveway she fell onto her butt coming down the bus stairs. You know someone has to keep track of these things. Mom: (defensive) yeeeaah. (Mom gets to Chris and Chris is done(WE LUCKED OUT) Me: Chris next time WAIT for mom ok? Chris: (semi-defensive) ok. ... just had myself a modern rare good cry prompted by my memory of how "dances with Wolves" shaped my life. Read how Russel Means didn't approve the characterization but the Sioux overall accepted it's portrayal of their feelings on peace and (?). Why it pulled emotion out of me I don't know but I would attribute hormones to the dwindling need to sob. Zoloft zapped me at one point but I don't think now. ... around 4:35am 2/14/16 I look at the window blind that has the electric candle on in it and I notice a blue flashing. WTF??? I look out window and there is nothing. I hear "boom!" in the quiet darkness. Now there is a rustling in the leaves outside which could always be an animal running through. I came home one night with no light on in the driveway to see a bear turning and going in the area where my dog kelly used to be tied up. As far as the boom that has come from military testing 20 miles away in the past. Eery. ... another level of rape is about to happen in our lives with the family get together today. As usual a few minutes ago mom starts complaining and exasperated Chris says "what?" and mom is struggling up the stairs and makes a joke and Chris laughs. Mood swings that happen here all the time. So today abusive to our brain injuries will exist. I can't believe ... actually mom better not cancel the phone. Without this outlet destructiveness would only abound here. For the record mom now has an easier way of paying the bills she wouldn't know without me. So today will be for fun and I guess they stopped questioning my absence and why. The man who doesn't belong in this family will be there. My nephews. Am. Am's son who degraded his wife at their wedding. Can't believe christopher was never told I lived in the hospital w christine. Profound denial over lifelong disabilities. No surprise I'm laying in bed. This is overwhelming. ... might as well have a drink. There's nothing else to do. I dare robodick to come here. ... had my drinks. On way to sleep. Wonder what else their doing after 3 hrs. . . Just woke up and let her know one of her alarms is going bad. As she backed out of the driveway I heard 2 beeps followed by 3 beeps. Didn't report it on here coz I welcome my time to go. Still here. FUCK! ... robodick is traveling either to ohio or Colorado for the Way International. He has lots of unemployed time to do that now. Let his plane crash. We do not need that man in this family. Ohio was the first place long ago Claire went called "the rock". That was when mom was going on in an uproar that my father was turning in his grave she didn't finish college. Mom crying into the phone Claire was taking off to oregon and nothing done for the children in this house and we have a current death wish. I think I'll break out the alcohol for a life left for dead - strung along by mom's southern comfort and emotional scarring that ruined development. Claire's answer? Emotions are of the devil used to manipulate you w no credence to brain injury where her theory breaks down. Cheers. Characteristic brain injury involves cognitive - emotional - behavioral sequelae, etc and I'm dying here like this. Claire's answer to these symptoms is they don't matter. Although Claire doesn't have the level of injury me and Chris do Claire has suppressed all that comes natural to her post injury. ... Claire is asking mom questions she should get answers from Rich. Robodick had to get home over the firewood stove they have. Claire was never unpampered. She has 3 men to take care of all her needs. She should learn how to do this if they are not around. Mom gave her a down comforter. Now Chris went to the bathroom while mom is on the phone. God I hope this guy's plane crashes. Am's daughter and 2 kids also went. Mom's 2 cousins went too. Sounds like Claire's house is cold often. she's living the life I lived in this house w this bag of rocks. 8-11 is date changed in Ireland for what? What is this woman not telling me? She's whispering about an Ireland house to Claire. Mom is moving back? Actually mom and someone else (am)? is investing together. Let's see what happens???? About what??? What's going on in Ireland I'm not being told? Calling Claire hun is such a below the belt...2/14/16 just confronted mom as to why Claire was there in 2009 2010. More important I had to light a fire under mom to get her to go help Chris in the bathroom and tell Chris to not move a muscle til mom comes and helps her. This is the usual mom will do something new for so long and then let it go. Almost sent my last audio recording out tonight but remembered it's valentine's day so didn't. ... turns out mom is talking to Claire about going back to Ireland for the wedding of my cousin who has a couple of kids out of wedlock. I chewed her out for the unrealistic ideals she and am put on their children here while on the mainland they live life modern and free. That seemed to catch her attention but as usual doesn't do anything about it. ... mom never set the alarm 4 the morn ... everyone woke up later than usual and I'm on another drink in this misery. When I heard Chris swearing I told mom Chris is awake and the usual time bomb impatience of mom came through of "I know will you leave me alone!" Ans: "Nope." this impatience is nothing new and is exactly why I needed to go from the nursing home to Claire's home but instead wound up eventually homeless sleeping in minus 20 degree F weather with the aid of hand foot and body warmers at a place where idling trucks raised the temp to a place where I had more coldness but the added assistance of the occupy movement with arctic pants. The questionable frost bite to my right pinky toe treated w Cayenne tea and Cayenne added to an herbal rub of Aloe(?). That toe doesn't grow a nail anymore but is that from frostbite damage or fungus? ... there's no protection for uuuuusss! I'm having one of those verbally garbled moments where something is wrong and no one's going to notice but in the long run it's going to come down on me. Mom's talking to ?. someone should have saved me. Someone should have saved. Just as. No one saved. Someone has cellulitis. No one saved. Just when I hand in...Claire called now. Aunt Maureen called oddly about 10:30 this morn. What's going to happen? No one is saving me. No one is saving me. No one is saving even christine's dr wrote the prescription for christine's brace but Chris is not getting total care. I think I'll get drunk again soon. No one's going to save me. No one. No one. Something's wrong and no one is going to save this. ... as I start my Vodka round I hear mom complaining. Of course I did something wrong. The split chicken breasts I bought are too big. We already had the debate hours ago whether to take down 1 or both packages. Now she's going on she should only have done the one. (smh at this existence). This constant "would have should have could have" ruined the medical lives of children. But no one is saving. ... mom just hung up with the wife of her cousin and cousin (?) doing the usual of everyone's fine. The daughters of these two went to Potsdam. The first said she had the best time there even though it ended bad. The younger sister didn't stay long. Normal sisterhood Claire didn't come to understand until her boys did same. I'm all alone. abandoned of any type of life now. Anyway like I've typed before, the holding back of emotion in potsdam is quite cruel and the oldest sister had to wind up going far away because of it. My cousin's roommates refused to renew the lease with her on it because she was too emotional in her last semesters stress-wise. Potsdam is actually as cruel emotion-wise as Claire. But Claire is more pampered and clueless in her richerJersey life. It's not just potsdam but all(?) northern ny where women MUST hold back their emotions. I remember when I first arrived up there I was astounded the majority of handwriting was like teenagers characteristic of holding their emotions back. Once in a while I would meet a female adult who had expressive handwriting. That's what gave me the impression they must be in a happy marriage /relationship. It's also possible I generalize too deeply. After knowing graphology I looked back to my notebooks and as a 14 year old I had C D expressive writing on the measuring scale. ... mom's really going to let me have it now. Went over the data limit again and they never sent me a warning at the 3.90 mark so this is nuts. Just watched the mtv show on threesomes flashing back to after my 1st time saying to my ex "if only anyone else could know how awesome this is" and he took that to a whole other level to the point he denies he ever wanted a threesome. He did propose it to the hottest man on campus from CT but that didn't go over well. Might as well make the most out of this overage. ... HELP US! THIS STUPID WOMAN INSTEAD OF TAKING CHRISTINE BACK TO THE DR RECENTLY ORDERED TO GO BACK TO SHE GOT A REFERRAL TO AN OT!! HELP US! This is regarding her brace ... I'm filled with sadness and out of alcohol :-((((( ... 10pm 2/16/16 mom is sitting enjoying the ritz crackers I just bought and tells Chris she'll be back when she's done with the bathroom. Couple minutes later I hear Chris yell ok. I ask Chris if she's still in the bathroom and she says no. Mom says "she's okaaay." I said something like she got lucky. THAT'S the short-lived patience that ruined Children's lives in this house. If she's not into intelligence she had no business directing these children in that direction. ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN. CHRISTINE JUST FELL FOR THE SECOND TIME ONTO HER TOILET. MOM WAS LATE GETTING THERE AND SHOO'ED ME AWAY SAYING  EVERYTHING IS OK. STUPID LIAR!!! ... she has a phone appt today w DDD. Don't know if I'll be awake for that. I'm reporting her for the negligence deanne m. Wilson witnessed and admonished her for. I just asked to join "sugar daddy 101." I have little idea what it's all about. Something tells me potsdam is all rumorville over this. I just am into older men but don't feel attractive anymore :-(((. Older men are the hormone leveling I need. I just can't explain it. However my development issues posted a problem. I don't know where I'll fit in. It's quite depressing. :-(((. ... mom is on phone w DDD. incompetent medical explanations. Mom's not educated enough to answer these questions. Rape at hearing mom is her caretaker until she dies and then it's Claire. W how involved I was/am in christine's life and there's no mention of me let alone I qualified for DDD instead of having my life spiral out of control. No she would NOT remember someone she hasn't seen in a month (OUT OF FUCKING TOUCH! CHRISTINE NEVER REMEMBERED THE EVALUATION DR DURING PROCEEDINGS NOR THE SOCIAL WORKER RECENTLY AT OUR HOUSE! HELP!!!) . Ability to tell time is TRICKY. this woman is out of touch w the medical lives of her children. What is ok? Now mom is talking lower because I just walked by. Decision-making: mom is out of touch. Mom will not answer my recreation time w Chris on the weekends. Yes at home she is with others. She what herself? Mom isn't even going to mention me. Mom said nowadays she has a problem w the stairs. Duh! What about the last 2.5 years? They don't even ask the nature of the accident? Do they question how mom has to keep having themselves repeat themselves? I'm here! Someone help me! SOS! Chris doesn't need as much help cutting meat. Mom doesn't let her use her special knife on a regular basis. She has no idea about christine's work pay - just that she gets paid a little something. Mom doesn't understand christine's medicaid or she does but - an assessment? Transportation. Housing intake? What lies did mom tell miriam? Or rather omissions? Now she's talking to the transportation? I missed out so much in life not having a mother. Lynn - left msg. Someone called and left a msg about the transport and it sounds like red tape bouncing. I couldn't hear over my fizzing alcohol. ... just see old postcard I mailed to mom. Postmarked sept. (18?) 2012 - a south dakota postcard mailed from Rawlins(?) WY and says "time is ticking for you to correct what's been ignored for years. I'm not blaming you. You didn't comprehend the responsibility too massive for you to handle in America and keeping me in your house and under your direction for years. That is not blame. " this postcard is "great places. Great faces". I think I spent a night in rawlins due to the bizarre treatment I received at the truck stop in Buffalo Wyoming and that's why it was mailed from there. ... I was all ready to go out tonight, took my shower, and now I'm tanking. I don't feel like going out now. World is crashing and no one is taking care of this life. ... AND AGAIN THE SITUATIONS IN THIS HOUSEHOLD WILL BE BETTERED BECAUSE OF ME. MOM IS COMING WITH ME TO MY NEXT ACCUPUNCTURE SESSION SO SHE CAN WATCH NEEDLES TO GET OVER HER PHOBIA WHICH COULD HAVE PREVENTED HER SECOND KNEE REPLACEMENT. If successful she can be treated for arthritis in the hands, bursitis in the elbows, a torn rotator cudf in each shoulder, a back constantly bent over, oh but her knee pain is gone thru replacements. Smfh wildly. ... I can't believe what just happened 2/18/16 around 7:30pm. They get home from eating out and I yell to Chris she has to press the button for the elevator because I used it. I leave the hall light on for her and tell her I'll take care of the elevator door and she says she's going to the bathroom. I go back to my stuff and mom yells up to Chris she's putting laundry  - mom called DDD today and got red tape about the bus and mom said due to weather she can take her tomorrow but not Monday because they're going about the brace - so anyway: in the dryer. I yell to Chris "in other words stay there until mom gets to you" and Chris says ok. Some time goes by and I hear her yell in case she was forgotten about. I assist her by yelling to mom. As mom struggles up the stairs she yells at me for not helping Chris and I tell her that's her job (as she wanted it that way). She says " you won't even help your sister". WHAT????? I tell her she can't be serious and do a run-down of all I've tried to do for her since 1992. When I remind her she lied in court she goes into denial mode - mom just ommitted telling aunt Maureen she only knows scalia's high school because I looked it up for her - but anyway: mom started her emotional abuse that "everyone" is saying I'm a kook for how I go on. No time right now to go into that type of destructive abuse that ruined a medical life involving damage to the emotional part of the human brain. ... hillary has a mysterious caucus cough on msnbc. Been reading my blog lately? It doesn't make sense she keeps mentioning lgbt. It must be a good selling point. Tada! After pointing out her coughing she's able to control it until the end. Ironic? ... 2/19/16 late night. Mom's last harassment about a group home was prior to what is probably the social worker's involvement this week. They finally explained to this loose cannon that is a change in the guardianship and she has to go through the court? The incompetence for this woman to provide life needs bleeds through and no one is saving ALL of us. Cheers. ... only sleeping 1 or 2 hours at a time. Maybe I should have had another four loko instead of Vodka. Does anyone want to keep me company? Is anyone tuned in? Save us? ... almost 4am and still awake. Time to go visit porn sites and see all I've missed out on and missing out on and all Claire can do is cite the bible "man was not made to be alone" and "when I was a child I thought as a child. As an adult I think as an adult." Doesn't take care of brain injury issues from developmental years you brain injured MORON. ... mom gave me the same old I'm-just-going-to-repeat-myself about sleeping on her mattress earlier and then my dream involved someone from Grammar school who worked a long time at dairy queen. We were at high school in the center of syracuse needing to take an exam asking people where in the building to go. We needed to go to the bathroom, found that, went inside and 3 girls standing talking turned and looked at us. There were no doors on the stalls and what we had to pee in were silver bowls. These girls threw rolls of toilet paper in the bowls so that we had to pee on them. I was baffled to see my classmate pee with such ease standing up. She arched her body in such a way that it left no mess. End of dream. ... have plans like other days to sleep today and be up tonight. Will I tank? ... awake but will I go? Just laying here floundering. Starting to understand the person mom is outside of motherhood (I get glimpses) and it still is not capable of handling the profound needs that she never expected to be facing in America. ... just now and another time earlier today or yesterday Chris was lucky while she was unattended that she didn't fall onto a tile bathroom floor. Mom was on the phone with am for the last occurence. ... and again! That is the exact history of this house. This is all too overwhelming for mom so she'll do a little for so long and then end. THAT was the problem in me coming to this house recuperating post-surgery that Airhead's vortex just spun faster and faster about. Mom is fine for so long and then FREAKS OUT. the second time tonight I said to mom 'why are you not back there helping her?!" and her response in her new found calm voice of "she's ok." I started to explain to her she's ok THIS TIME but I stopped and said "I'm just going to let everyone know." And here I am. ... I just learned david muir is a syracuse native. Can you save me david muir? I need lots of investigating. ... laying here 2:30 am. Out of alcohol. Actually Onondaga hill is the area I heard the story that when a house was being built bones were revealed when digging for the garage. Instead of reporting it they built over it and gave themselves a haunted house. You don't mess with native american burial grounds like that. There are laws against doing that. ... 1 hr of sleep behind me w 2 house intruder dreams. Only 7 more to go. Liquor store opens in 6. ... mom had someone tell her they think it's illegal for christine's transport not to transport her. She now has to find out who finances them. AGAIN SHE'S NOW LIVING IN HER 80s HOW I'VE BEEN LIVING SINCE MY 20s. Fucking stupid. ... planning on waking up in a few hours and going out tonight. Will I tank again? ... mom had Chris do the bathroom by herself again tonight. I told her we never deserved to be raised by a child as mom kept up her recent "I'm the boss" attitude. I'm supposed to be gone out very soon but still waiting to sleep. Will I go out tonight? We'll see. ... sure enough I was awake for 2am but unmotivated even though have six hours of sleep behind me. 4am and noticed the $5 mom harassed me about is on the table. To go or not? I have to try something new to promote africa which I can't do mobile. Chris goes about her brace today. Maybe I'll leave when they do. Stressed. ... and talk about psychological harassment early in the day yesterday mom said she needed to find Aleve for her back pain when going to church with Chris. Later on when we were feuding insisted her back is not a problem. Just like she insists she never told me to go hang myself when I came home first time after contesting the guardianship. I don't remember right now if my knowledge about phoebe prince came before or after but the coorelation was definitely made. ... Phoebe Prince happened after. So THAT'S why mom adamantly denies ever saying it. She's hiding her soiled hands behind her back about a careful-what-you-wish-for. I so understand the culture in Ireland that I so see how Phoebe Prince happened. I think her siblings though will regret the settlement. Phoebe's value of life was completely robbed just like ours by an irish (way?) ... so that's how I'm slow on the uptake - 5 yrs later I get it. It's what happens to me before realizing that puts me vulnerable to being taken advantage of. Something a partial guardianship would have protected me from. ... and I gave in to not going out. I'm drinking way too much this month. Having a non carb microwaved dinner for breakfast. Threw up my meal of eggs and sausage yesterday from brushing my teeth. ... I'm absolutely bonkers without structure. It's important I fix 1 typo: the psychological abuse is my mother calling me a kook (not look). Having a brain injury and being repeatedly told you're crazy is so completely destructive and hinders any coping in one's new life w an injury. ... I'm here. I'm alive. Help me! Mom and Chris just came home so the alcohol is probably coming soon. ... Alcohol didn't come but I wound up sleeping a lot of the day away. Chris went to bed when she got home. I'm hating life. ... next day. Drank last night so I prob have 3 hrs sleep coz the 5am alarm woke me. Someone needs to save me from this craziness. Mom is supposed to go to an accupuncture session this evening but she'll be dead tired from transporting Chris. Again I will get a backseat. ALL I missed out on because of christine or rather mom's inability to cope. Claire had her circle of friends to replace her sudden freakish sisters and I had nothing healthy or rather sufficient. Not that drugish friends are sufficient but still it made up for the abandon she would otherwise have had that I did have. ... Chris is missing out today because mom's worried about weather that won't be here until after the time Chris is usually home. They went back to bed. If mom will go with me to the later appt I said I would drive even though mom is the riding of a nerve as a passenger. REALLY BAD. but then again I can't do anything right. She has some real problems no one is addressing. ... Chris is not happy being left at home. She's screaming at mom to "shut up!" and she's sick of living here. The living here part was started by mom long ago. ... I didn't hear the excuse mom gave christine's counselor as to why she's not coming in today but I did hear all the red tape she complained to her about. Had mom done all this in her 40s when we were children this wouldn't be happening. ... the cleaning lady just witnessed for the first time christine swearing (from her bathroom) and went to her and I don't know what happened but when came back out mom said "I told her that's not going to help her" and the cleaning lady said "oh you should talk". THANKYOU! #hinklefinglespriorfischer #hinkle ... with life changes that are not being catered to Chris needs some type of head rail installed on her bed. She's now verbal about getting out of bed as the personal care problems. She in no way had to stay home today but formally include me in her care to avoid the art of loose cannonship. ... train just went by at 4:25am and I'm not in front of it :-(. 2ish hours of sleep. Chris going to dr appt today mom forgot about. It's the bladder infection dr that saw her in the ER about a year ago. My stomach is not feeling so hot. ... so That's why christine was acting so strangely last night. Mom worked her against me in the problems mom had with the toaster oven. This morning mom had to use a flashlight to put back the dials on the toaster from when she heated pizza last night. Imagine what the scene here was with mom's constant going on. That's just like when mom threatened to call the police when we were fighting and it was only mom's empty threats but since christine only knows of the good police do in picking her up off the floor, she had no idea her encouraging that would be inappropriate and ruin my life further. She gets further away from me as I stay away from hanging out with her because of that EVEN THOUGH I explained all to Chris she doesn't understand because that's all that's left of christine. ... so now I have another 1.5 hrs of sleep behind me woken by the constant noise clutter goings on of mom not able to take proper care of herself by herself anymore. I finally get up to take care of her walker I left in the elevator last night and christine keeps saying "Thanks " and I say to christine "you know with all this thanks you don't need thanks. You need me added to your care so you can get proper care. Not this bullshit." I get upstairs and realize they're 1/2 hour late for her appt. I go out into the pouring rain with the ass I look like with ripped pants as it's all I have left and mom says she made a mistake about the time. I verified the time 3 times last night. Mom can't even hold an umbrella for Chris anymore and Chris doesn't have a hood. The two of them will be walking in the pouring rain from the car to the building. With all this chaos mom will explain the whole thing later ommitting her chaos guaranteed. ... hearing mom relate to a friend that aunt Maureen said get in touch with a local politician. HOW DOES IT FEEL INCOMPETENT BIDDIES? at least you don't have to do it ALL ALONE like I did. I had no sister or friend support. And just to think I still haven't slept. Hearing mom say "you know that DDD she belongs too?" FUCKING STUPID. ... 1.5 hrs sleep? Woke up to darkness and thought I'm too tanked to go out. Will that be the case? Mom never went to accupuncture because of the weather. OMFG NICE GOING JUDGE DEANNE M. WILSON. I had to call mom several times from the store last night to make sure I was buying the right thing and the turkey dinners she is unhappy with replaced by healthy choice turkey dinner. I read the ingredients to her and all is ok. Tonight she complains she doesn't like green beans and I said "well they're not the french cut you used to always cook." "The what?" "The french cut. You know the skinny long green beans?" "Not in this house" as mom is looking away shaking her head as if I'm crazy. WHAT???? I ONLY KNOW ABOUT THEM FROM THIS HOUSE. the SAME happened regarding the threat (w no action) of locks on the refrigerator for christine. This woman declared there was no such thing ever. IT WAS MY ENTIRE FUCKING EXISTENCE GROWING UP. She would do shit like this about my reality growing up. Nice going Judge Wilson you stupid bitch without a childcare license (let alone an incompetent's care license). When I asked Chris how she liked that same dinner her response was the usual "fine" indicating the lack of brain injury taste christine has you evil moron. There is so much available for christine not being acted upon because of you! ... so I go ask mom again about the french cut string beans and her response starts to change. I ask her about the "locks on the refrigerator" and there is a pause before she starts to dismiss/ignore me and I say this is more judge Wilson's fault than her fault. "You know I buy coconut oil which helps your memory and you should be eating a bottle of that a week coz it will help you instead of a box of ritz crackers a week." ... couple more hrs of sleep awake at 1am and still awake at 3am. Ready to lose my life when I lose my house in april although I had a much better plan. Screw it. This is what life rape looks like and it all started with Ms. New orleans who just couldn't leave me be. ... 2ish more hours of sleep but I don't have to be up til 2pm. Dying this way. Absolutely floundering. ... never slept. Need to be up in 2.5 hours. ... next day. After getting 3 hours sleep last night I went out and upon coming home mom is on the phone with christine's bus trying to get her way. At least am's words about a politician will come true as mom was directed to go to a public mtg about it in less than 2 weeks. Heard mom tell them she can't do this at her age and Chris hasn't fallen since - Riiiiiggghhtt - half truth about the falling and that she's stuck with this at her age. (I'm right here!) . Mom didn't feel up to taking her this morn so she had to pay a taxi. There was something else I'm not remembering right now when I got home. ... oh yes right now mom is talking to Matt who took over for Judy and there's a problem getting Chris into shop from a transportation. When I got home today mom couldn't say what DDD stands for. NEGLIGENCE!!! now mom is saying no one found a reason for christine's falls. WRONG! mom took her to the wrong drs who told her what she wants to hear. Mom does not even fully get what medicaid is all about. Chris is fine at home when I keep her occupied (to a degree). All mom could say about DDD is it's for the handicapped. STUPID!!! I just let mom know she sounds dumb calling about 40something year old children and doesn't know what DDD stands for. Wait til they find out I exist, am younger than christine, and lived in a hospital with her. No response as usual. ... Next or 2(?) days later. The unstable psycho in N.C. chapel hill posted right after me. No one needs a whipper like that. Whatever drama exists in her life she needs some wisdom and serious help. ... Christine is having a particularly hard time today. She is particularly annoyed today with her mobility problems that are harder with age. I've seen her set off in these tantrums by mom's constant goings-on. Her tantrums home today (2/28/16) could be because when she got home from her activity I had on the main TV and I heard her having problems with the elevator by herself when she got upstairs - so that indicates she was set off prior - and when she was in the bathroom there was dialogue going on between the two but I tell Chris to wait there until mom comes up, that they had a long day. I then ask mom about the long day bathroom situation of how many times Chris got to go to the bathroom because they were gone too long for her not to go and mom wouldn't answer but just gave a hesitant and annoyed "we went when we had to go". I remind mom that she can get a bladder (kidney?) infection by holding it in so much. Mom says a defensive "yeah" so I ask Chris. She says she went after they ate breakfast out and I asked how about at her activity and she said she didn't have to go. i actually know too much whether Christine has to go or not - it's more like dealing with how much of a pain our needs are for mom. And Chris avoids problems. Chris was actually like that before our accident but with the recent knowledge Christine fell from a shopping cart as a baby and the hospital said nothing is wrong, all makes sense how Christine had not only the quiet personality of the younger 3 but compliant and non-complicated, not to mention early breasts starting in 2nd grade.  - she's yelling a lot at mom to "shut up" and now crying and mom is telling her to stop like a child as she screams for mom to shut up and her emotions are getting in the way of her getting out the words: she's ("tired of living in this???") "shithole." All her swear words are trying to come out at once. In brain injury that's called the bottle-neck effect. I suffer the same. It just comes out in different ways due to our functioning level. Actually now that I think of it her tantrum could be the culmination of frustration or "aping" mom's false confidence gotten from the parents at Christine's handicapped activity today. Even at night Christine was still going off on a tantrum which is unusual. Screaming at mom and when mom walked away I asked Chris if anything happened that she's such in a bad mood and she said no. Even when going into bed (after having to wait for mom to get off the phone with am which she had little patience for) she was screaming at mom and swearing and telling her to shut up for the 3rd time today. ... By the time I leave here this morning have to put back my posts Hitler took down. It sucks when someone you thought was one way acts another but that's life of zeroes and ones made into a user-friendly lifelike communication tool. ... I've never seen Chris hold a bad mood grudge like she did yesterday. Today I feel the complete unfairness we were left all alone w mom as I heard one of her hit the ceiling frustrations that something wasn't right after she struggled bringing dinner up the stairs. Those flairs she's left to be a loose cannon about. It really doesn't take much to not do that when you are sharing your life with someone but we were left all alone here w her. I woke up to burning somewhere from the mouth down followed by chills. I'm too bored and too sad. Too alone and too unbalanced. I was supposed to be protected but instead :-((( :-((( :-( ... too much to say mobile so typed to laptop to be transferred on a later date from 3/1/16: 3/1/16 - as has happened before, rolling down the hall I do my best to keep my wheelchair straight. Mom saw me leer toward the wall and I straightened myself out after scraping it and mom freaked out about who's going to pay her to fix the walls. I remind her of everything i've already told her but had to stop when in by Chris's bathroom coz she's asleep. I come out and start to give my mother the rundown of what she's got to pay me for regarding the injuries I live with. The stupid bitch starts in with I don't have any. I bring her down memory lane about I had a bent bone in my leg they both saw on xray so she starts blame away from her by pointing out my father. I say it doesn't matter. He was dead since I was 12. Stupid bitch stays a stupid bitch and just keeps up her harassment. She threatens she's going to take away the wheelchair. THAT'S the inappropriateness we were left with.. Someone had no business leaving me and the handicapped lives of me and christine with this loose cannon LIAR. ... I have no patience for this this morning. Chris does the bathroom alone like usual, asks me to help with her paralyzed side, I say wait for your caretaker, Chris is annoyed so I tell her again that's why she needs me added to her care. That the only other person on her care is Claire and how often is Claire helping her? That's when Chris flies off the handle Claire has only experienced once. Then I hone in on who's taking her to get better? Mom then calls the cab to take them to christine's shop. What a fucking waste when I can do it! Oh and earlier I pointed out to mom how her struggle with breakfast doesn't have to be as I pointed out breakfast available at her shop. ... stupid bitch can't open the garage door when she brought Chris home because she forgot her opener when she left. She can't see the numbers on the keypad so she couldn't get the garage open. Has the fucking gall to wake me up. Burn in hell bitch. what's your gameplan if I'm not here? Rot in hell until morristown is done right. This is so much stress I just cancelled my plans for today. On top of this the non-trad law student who knows better because they're non-trad yet preys on lawyers for protection against their horrible ways. I'll be exposing you dear. Don't worry. A duke grad w an attitude like that hiding like all the MDs in psychiatry? I need a drink. This is no fair on me. ... dying here. Dying. Dying while someone is getting away w murder. ... dinner tonight something happened but don't remember right now. Waiting to pass out. Missing the involvement I had :-(((. Fire and ice attitudes don't just apply to lovers. Christine is a danger to me because she would have the cops called on me. Mom is a danger to christine as evidenced by christine's bloody head on the driveway. Claire is a danger to mom thru her obliviousness. Am I a danger to anyone? ... supposed to be asleep by now. Had couple of dreams last night but only remember one where I was texting one of the lawyers but signed it Brian fishman not bcoz I was impersonating him but to convey his importance. What dreams tonight? ... 2.5(?) hrs sleep. Thinking of having another drink. Why dont I just stay drunk all the time until someone fixes this life? Then again I have to open my mail from the past 6 months still. ... ok numbing agent in hand and now to see how many collection notices, lawyer threats, losing my house, etc. And there's the signature ny-poor-so-cant-afford-to-express-my-emotions handwriting. ... one of my creditors sent me a cancellation of debt tax form also called waiving a deficiency. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???? I'm afraid to open my house tax notices. I'll just ride the drunk wave for now. I could have my life saved you know. Or not. ... this nerd situation has me absolutely crazy at times. ... Chris is left home today because mom has a doctor's appt. I have no idea what lies she would have told christine's counselor. I was asleep. Here comes the alcohol. Or someone could fix this situation judge deanne m. Wilson made worse. ... I just had a mini blowout w mom over water sewer trash bill overdue. I can give her the $60 when I take a trip to my bank. I just have no checks left. The nerd has an audio copy of how these things go down when it came to house insurance. As usual I scream at mom as my disability is completely denied. I remind her who the adult and child was when I was 17. I think Chris learned from shop about fighting bcoz I remember her coming home from high school and that's when her swearing began from Hills. Bcoz me and mom fight I'm seen as the bad one while Chris is missing out on so much that is available to her thanks to deanne m. Wilson. Anyway I still haven't opened my house tax papers about when it's time to jump. We also fought about me not calling the real estate agent enough. If she's talented in that area and is not developmentally disabled she should do it. ... rolled out and told Chris she wouldn't have to sit home today if I were added to her care. Chris made it clear she didn't want to deal w the situation and I made it clear if she doesn't her life is completely cut short from what mom has it at. Need to explain nonmobile.I struck a nerve with Chris by bringing this up. She doesn't understand simply and living as a child too scared with what mom says. ... 2 hrs sleep and the garage door opening. Mom met w Marie for lunch. She came home and called a neighborhood woman I used to deliver a newspaper to. They're still in touch due to the columbiettes. She actually called her back. I'm as dead as dead could be drinking myself back to sleep. Christine doesn't understand mom's been going all day and needs some sleep. I'm watching rediculousness. I used to laugh straight thru at America's funniest home videos and then I used to cry and couldn't watch it when I realized I was missing out on having a family of my own. Cheers. ... had to yell to mom a couple times tonight Chris needs her. That's how she wanted it. Chris is freaking out in the bathroom and mom does her newfound "it's ok". Riiiiiggghhtt it's ok only 40 years later when mom has corrupted the lives in that time and no one saved us. Chris had a dr appt today that, had I known beforehand, I would have gone. God knows how long she's had pain in her elbow but my letter talked about her crutch problems. When mom got home she mentioned no crutch-fitting problems. I even watch Chris these days that she puts weight on the back of her crutch as evidenced by the pictures I took of the crutches she just had replaced. Something is wrong there and I'm being ignored. The swelling in her ankle could be taken care of by accupuncture. The foot falling away from her leg needs something bigger. Her shoes are not supportive enough for her situation. Earlier today Chris asked me to pick up her pen even though mom was sitting in her chair next to her. Later on Chris asked me for a napkin and as I handed it to her I let her know I am not her caretaker, that mom set it up that way. I'm so sick of Chris defensively saying "I know" as learned by mom when she really doesn't know. I did the same thing. How much more can I spell out how inappropriate this woman is to us deanne m. Wilson????? Earlier (there is something else about today I can't remember right now) but mom is putting Chris through the same old bullshit. Chris belongs at Kessler for total care. Now this stupid one is comparing Chris to ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE. her doctor has my info about the crutch. Now Chris is going to be inappropriately treated. ... how removed mom is from her responsibility. this morning 3/5/16 I let mom know the change left over from gas the other day is being used for me sitting out all day today. She does her usual question to the end about the change left over and I go through the rundown about $3 of it was used the other day I sat out, etc and she just goes on and on. I finally said to her "you have to remember we dont lie like you do" (because she does the same to Christine). Mom said she doesn't lie (ha! just like Loretta Lynn's husband that lied right up until his death bed about cheating on her even preaching to ? - the guy standing by the tractor who said he almost lost his implants hearing him lie to the end). I remind her she lied in court and she says she didn't that she got a lawyer and that was that. I said yeah "that's why you won mom." She said "I didn't win anything. It was a guardianship." DAH! I said "that's how you're lawyer views it. You won your case because you had a lawyer." She said she was there for Christine and she didn't lie. I said I was there for Christine  too and look what happened. Because I didn't win Christine winds up with a bloody head on the driveway and now she's being taken to doctors all over the place when she could be going to ONE spot for her care. But no instead mom has to complicate it. This screaming went on back and forth. She starts in about me getting out again and just like always I tell her to do something about it. Then she goes on about the age I am and to take care of myself (meanwhile in court she argued I can't care for myself so I can't care for Christine). I remind her that a child who doesn't have what they need (especially medically) grows up to be an inadequate adult and she just keeps her shit up. I tell her to take responsibility and her shit beat just goes on. This fucking moron had no right raising medically needy children in America. Christine is now being taken to an orthopedic doctor (NOT THE FOOT SPECIALIST THAT MISSED CHRISTINE'S KNEE SNAPPING BACK) a referral by her general from yesterday instead of going to the ONE spot that can take care of all her needs. That one spot used to have a better reputation before it broke up into little franchises but the main one is still as reputable. There is so much of this childish bs that happens all the time and it's too emotional for me to get it out (bottleneck effect) as my disabled existence is abusively denied by this medical incompetent. Good going Judge Deanne M. Wilson. What's more bullshit spewing from mom today? Oh she said how inadequate I am by not going to get a job and I let her know I'm not getting a job until this situation is taken care of and if I'm working who is going to be available to take Christine to Kessler? Shit flew out of her mouth saying she would. SHE'S HAD 3 YEARS OF SAYING THIS WITH ME HERE AND 4 MORE YEARS BEFORE THAT TO DO THAT. What a load of shit. Oh and her latest is she is going to get a lawyer and police to get me out. Really? Who's feeding her that shit these days? She's been saying that for 3 years. It's finally going to happen? As if she is not going to be held responsible for things never taken care of. Where is she getting this from lately? She's getting on the good side of people at Chris's shop using her lies to get her way? Other shit from this morning is mom says she asked Chris's GP for another orthopedic doctor. Why? You know the shit beat of this woman just goes on JUST like this. Why should I keep explaining? I'm a mess for a reason. Just surrounded by a bunch of drug addicts with blood on their hands who never did anything. Another thing she said is I have to get out because she's going to senior living. I said "oh yeah and where's Chris going? You don't use the group home thing anymore because someone must have told you that's a change in the guardianship you need to take care of first. This abusive jackass just kept up her shit of  "no." ... how removed mom is from her responsibility. this morning 3/5/16 I let mom know the change left over from gas the other day is being used for me sitting out all day today. She does her usual question to the end about the change left over and I go through the rundown about $3 of it was used the other day I sat out, etc and she just goes on and on. I finally said to her "you have to remember we dont lie like you do" (because she does the same to Christine). Mom said she doesn't lie (ha! just like Loretta Lynn's husband that lied right up until his death bed about cheating on her even preaching to ? - the guy standing by the tractor who said he almost lost his implants hearing him lie to the end). I remind her she lied in court and she says she didn't that she got a lawyer and that was that. I said yeah "that's why you won mom." She said "I didn't win anything. It was a guardianship." DAH! I said "that's how you're lawyer views it. You won your case because you had a lawyer." She said she was there for Christine and she didn't lie. I said I was there for Christine  too and look what happened. Because I didn't win Christine winds up with a bloody head on the driveway and now she's being taken to doctors all over the place when she could be going to ONE spot for her care. But no instead mom has to complicate it. This screaming went on back and forth. She starts in about me getting out again and just like always I tell her to do something about it. Then she goes on about the age I am and to take care of myself (meanwhile in court she argued I can't care for myself so I can't care for Christine). I remind her that a child who doesn't have what they need (especially medically) grows up to be an inadequate adult and she just keeps her shit up. I tell her to take responsibility and her shit beat just goes on. This fucking moron had no right raising medically needy children in America. Christine is now being taken to an orthopedic doctor (NOT THE FOOT SPECIALIST THAT MISSED CHRISTINE'S KNEE SNAPPING BACK) a referral by her general from yesterday instead of going to the ONE spot that can take care of all her needs. That one spot used to have a better reputation before it broke up into little franchises but the main one is still as reputable. There is so much of this childish bs that happens all the time and it's too emotional for me to get it out (bottleneck effect) as my disabled existence is abusively denied by this medical incompetent. Good going Judge Deanne M. Wilson. What's more bullshit spewing from mom today? Oh she said how inadequate I am by not going to get a job and I let her know I'm not getting a job until this situation is taken care of and if I'm working who is going to be available to take Christine to Kessler? Shit flew out of her mouth saying she would. SHE'S HAD 3 YEARS OF SAYING THIS WITH ME HERE AND 4 MORE YEARS BEFORE THAT TO DO THAT. What a load of shit. Oh and her latest is she is going to get a lawyer and police to get me out. Really? Who's feeding her that shit these days? She's been saying that for 3 years actually she has been saying it for 2 - the first year I told her to go for it and as usual she wont listen to me or give me any validation so at the 1 year mark someone else told her to do that. It's finally going to happen? As if she is not going to be held responsible for things never taken care of. Where is she getting this from lately? She's getting on the good side of people at Chris's shop using her lies to get her way? Other shit from this morning is mom says she asked Chris's GP for another orthopedic doctor. Why? You know the shit beat of this woman just goes on JUST like this. Why should I keep explaining? I'm a mess for a reason. Just surrounded by a bunch of drug addicts with blood on their hands who never did anything. Another thing she said is I have to get out because she's going to senior living. I said "oh yeah and where's Chris going? You don't use the group home thing anymore because someone must have told you that's a change in the guardianship you need to take care of first." This abusive jackass just kept up her shit of  "no." That's not all about today. I just am fucking overwhelmed at no closure to this situation and Claire's not within reach to slap reality into. ... LOST A LINK HERE AS I GOT RID OF THE LINES THAT WERE RUNNING THROUGH THE TEXT - I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LINK IT WAS (6/9/16) ... told ya there's ulterior motives behind war. ... sat out for 13 hours yesterday with only s fraction of what I was going to do. ... Chris is really flying off the handle today next day I guess between dealing w her period as well as the new(?) pain of her elbow since having her new crutch. Now she's being pulled into an inappropriate medical life of bursitis rather than appropriate treatment of the source. She squeezes her arm into her crutch which is usual but shouldn't be the case. Yesterday I asked Chris about being more verbal about her pain since the social worker was here and SHE MADE NO CONNECTION WHATSOEVER. ... stupid just called the pharmacy to complain Chris is screaming in pain still 2 days after starting bursitis medication. It's a Sunday so she can't get the gp. Chris may be screaming more about the inadequate care she's getting. ARE YOU LISTENING DEANNE M. WILSON? I grew up in this house. I know. Now she's calling the emergency # for the gp. WASTE. she left the phone off the hook by accident for call back. I let mom know all hell will break loose if she finally gets her to the medical care I tried to get her to 7 years ago AND the gp specifically told Chris to follow up with when he removed the 4 staples from her head after falling in the driveway. Now mom is impatient waiting for a call back. Here he is: it doesn't sound like it's him. Someone covering. Question about the med. Now she's going to the ER - recommendation. Chris heard every word I had to say too. She just can't make any sense of it. I just asked Chris if she wants to use the wheelchair AND HAD TO REPEAT MYSELF 3 TIMES BECAUSE HER CARETAKER REFUSES TO GET A HEARING AID. NICE GOING JUDGE DEANNE M. WILSON! Chris chose the wheelchair. I had to instruct mom she needs to hold the chair while Chris sits in it because of the brakes. NEVER EVER SHOULD WE EVER BEEN LEFT IN THIS AGGRAVATION. ... common problem w christine: "Chris are u going out today?" " mom might take me to emergency care for my shoulder." "Your shoulder or your elbow?" "Like between my shoulder and elbow." SAME HAPPENS WHEN CHRIS USES THE STAIRS. NEVER KNOW IF THE PROBLEM IS HER FEET, KNEE, OR BACK. Mom called 911 and is going by herself in her car. I have 3 hrs sleep under my belt. Chris told ... I just answered questions to the responder. Chris is intermittently crying because she's scared at being carried down the stairs in a chair and her good arm hurts. Now she's laughing. Mom yelled at me for answering questions. I did have to ask them for some of the answers. Mom produced the bursitis med she was given and said " what a waste." No shit sherlock. That's why she needs to be in the total care judge deanne m. Wilson so recklessly disregarded. Chris is not used to be taken down the stairs frontward in sitting position and was very verbalize about being scared. god help us. God help us get away from this inadequate guardian. ... so the orthopedist recommended by the gp is out and Chris will be seen by the ER recommendation which is the same as that of the deceased Italian mama. Mom (for about the past 20 years) describe people according to how nice they are and right there is the seething discrimination against me by the only inadequate guardian I was left with. ... 3/8/16 OMG BYE BYE HILLARY! SHE'S STILL SAYING FRACKING CAN BE DONE SAFELY!! JUST GO! YOU ARE BOUGHT AND PAID FOR. BERNIE SANDERS FOR PRESIDENT!!!! HILLARY THERE IS NO CROSS-OVER. DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU ON THE WAY OUT. I'M JUST WAITING TO HEAR YOU SAY NUCLEAR IS THE WAY TO GO. ... next night. Opened my four loko and it fizzled out the top and now it's flat. If I'm finally being poisoned to death throw a party! The Mexican gang next door at wifi could always do that. They already ganged up on the americans there to suit themselves. I was lied to last night when I was told one of the last american girls there that it was her day off? That excuse won't work next time. They set it up to fire the americans. I've seen it happen. ... as a matter of fact the short guy who seems to be always laughing to himself around me I feel like I've finally figured him out. As if! Nice try hombre pequito lol. Dream: In this past 3 hr batch of sleep I was very involved with people in like a school (?) Bldg and complaining my acting as someone else in order to save one (me) that my cover was going to be blown and it was exhausting. To get the energy out of me or for some specific reason I started running down these short staircases to go down floors to the point I started going down the staircases with one leap with such ease I wondered why everyone didn't do that coz it was so easy for me. END. Getting in touch with an old friend yesterday gave me many flashbacks to the harassment I endured post injury by this insecure immigrant that raised us. In a way it made me the failure I am just so I could be harassed further for all I am as a result of a mac truck rendezvous. I just want this hopeful lie I'm living to be over. Cheers. ... and mom is off to the public meeting trying to do all against insurance and what not. Fucking stupid. Fantasy: mom pleads her case and someone digs deeper how Chris is the way she is and the mention of other children elicits from mom "they're fine" and finally 40 yrs too late someone puts mom in her place that doesn't happen. Trucks just don't hit into car-full loads of children and only 1 is in need. Mom gets investigated and charged for child medical neglect. Her irish mob(?) connections can't help her now. Morris county surrogate's court is ordered to reveal all truth to the estate of their father deceased 30 years ago. End of fantasy? ... well no fantasy came true but mom got no place as they have their policies and I laid it on about what I've said all along reminding her about all her former tenant got away with bcoz aunt maureen convinced her the city has all kinds of laws protecting tenants so instead of asking a lawyer didn't connect he was a white male able-bodied tenant. Yes I am a victim of this stupidity. ... excellent. Gerry is an excellent orator and explainer of the law. Mitch does a lot of these hangouts on different issues. Nice to see the people behind. ... looks like Bernie Sanders is it. Trump is shooting off at the mouth again about untrue things. Isis knows the internet better than we do? WRONG. They know it better than he and his circle do but that is NOT TRUE. Critics of Sanders that say other countries using his ideals never get ahead is nil(?) moot(?) other(?). We are strong and ahead for a very long time. It would be very hard for us to fall to the third world countries referred to. ... numb and unglued at hearing Anna kendrick able to chase her dream with her father at 12 yrs old acting on broadway. By the same token Samantha Smith died while her father traveled with her in the aftermath of her dream. It's ok. I have alcohol while everybody else has lives. ... this incompetent bag of rocks is pulling an attitude which is utter stupidity given the situation. And there is no one here to take care of this; no one to protect our lives that have medical vulnerability. Maybe I'll drink the day away. Today's situation deals with my car she's paying for and they sold us a lemon. No protection. But do have alcohol. I can be saved from this. Or not. Can't really do much on a Friday anyway. ... GULP. GULP. Just gave out to this incompetent who has decided to let go of responsibility under false pretenses given to her by those with 1/2 ass information bcoz they're not here for the full story GULP. Claire was court ordered out and then most of mom's family is 3000 miles across the ocean with the ones here fucking negligent for not getting involved. Claire lost her brains upon having children I guess being that she raised a special needs child - oh but that doesn't apply to me. GULP. ... sounds like a good time to storm H&R block at the Rockaway mall and ruin Claire's life like robodick ruined mine. A man who doesn't belong in this family. ... drank a lot in the last 24 hrs but my body wouldn't wind down. 5(?) hrs sleep and on to round 2. Watching part of Wanderlust. would rather be working as usual. ... next day. Depressed without a job. Getting ready to jump if I lose my house. Showered and all ready to go out today for africa but ... it's the funniest thing when unwise quotes come from unwise people about wisdom no less. ... so it's a year later and mom is spending her St Patrick's day celebration at the same place we got kicked out of. Smh. That's NOT life in America. And when I heard her recall about last year it was all feel-better lies that she's always done. ... mom just did her infamous destruction by whispering "stupid" under her breath as she hinted at me moving so she can get ready for the day of her St Patrick's day celebration. I told her she had to wait as I got up to put my towel around me (I never got dressed after shower yesterday) and out came the nerve-riding derogatory. This woman got away with all this from the drug addicts around here who left her an abusive loose cannon in America - it wouldn't be a problem w/o medical needs. I tanked yesterday btw due to female biological needs starting. I'll never know if all those x-rays since 1978 made me sterile and I'll only find out in the afterlife if all the sex I missed out on due to the fear of getting pregnant was all a big waste of time and life. My ex had such a phobia of catching something that he found one after me and was taking no other chances. I've had multiple partners and still have yet to catch anything. Smh at the degrading phobia I had to put up with in that boy. Then again he was 19 and I was a fatherless 16/17 year old. ... mom didn't get thrown out of the celebration this year. Makes no sense. Perhaps they're reading my blog in Lincoln park and shaping up. Don't remember what else I had to report. ... I just checked up on the man who deserted me with my alternate acct. That's what I mean by I don't understand what his point is in blocking me. There's ways around that. Anyway Chris has been more stable on her feet and all that's changed is a new crutch and treatment of tendonitis to her arm. I'm drinking to oblivion and waiting for the end. HOW COULD THEY ALL SHIT ON ME??? I HAVE A HIGHER DEGREE FROM A BETTER SCHOOL I'M THE ONE WHO BROUGHT UP FRACKING IN OTHER PLACES WHILE THEY WERE ONLY FOCUSED ON NY. SHE WINDS UP IN CALIFORNIA FOR HER JOB AFTER I WAS THERE ON MY BUCKET LIST FROM NO JOB. MY MOTHER OWNS A HOUSE IN IRELAND I COULD HAVE STAYED AT AND SAVED THE ORGANIZATION MONEY BUT INSTEAD SHE WENT TO IRELAND. IS SHE GOING TO AFRICA TOO??? FUCKING DIE like I am soon. ... reading through the profiles of the other grassroots people I was involved in. Refilling the last of the Vodka. Who did this? Who did this to me? Just coasting. ... incredibly nice person but die to: ( Another person I volunteered under and had a talk w me saying what others have said that they feel like they don't know me :-((( :'( is that what makes you worthy of a job? Smh :'( :'( :'( I got the feeling I rubbed this person the wrong way :-((( does that make you ineligible for a job? this is a nice guy but guess who got a job over me upon returning from my bucket list? :-((( :-((( I take that back about Lindsay speer. Because of her I had use of a kitchen and shower at the cultural workers while I was homeless. These people aren't corrupt. A greater force other than them is corrupt. I'm just staring down a gun barrel very soon and the only navigation they know is the only thing they've ever known in NYS for some I guess. It's ending. ... lying here all alone. Who did this to me? That dairy queen classmate in my dream recently represents the first time my brain injury social misperceptions screwed up all. Cruelty of the inappropriate post injury schooling I was put in. All alone. ... dream. Partial memory: my ex was with me at Ms. New orleans house but the overwhelming feeling was that of the previous owner. The landscape was different in that when I had to go outside you walked onto steep hill with dirt and rock. It was nighttime and I asked my ex to do something which he was happy to do and went outside but he called me to come out of the victorian house. I struggled down the dirt and rock that had a steep landscape like SU and I don't remember if my ex helped me down. Suddenly I am standing in a clean-lawned level neighborhood and 3 cats come around. One is my ex's black and white cat Chet (chester) calmly watching the scene while a strange fat black cat was mean. End of dream. ... getting ready to pull the trigger and let go of all that have failed me. It takes guts. You were very important in my days James. I miss you. Someone could have saved this life. Is this really it? 4 years. Of course. I didn't expect to be past 2012. Just before mom was assisted by me in paying the phone bill over the phone and I could tell she was telling Chris something to be kept secret from me. Sure enough mom was going to get the two of them salads from wendy's. The expense of me added is too much. I have no idea if there's a life insurance policy out there on me that can help me survive. I have no idea if my father left anything. This woman doesn't get it. With all these unknown variables I can't wait around anymore. ... just called about my house. Over $7000 in taxes needs to be paid by the end of march to save my house. After that I would have until August 11th to pay the county everything. If not, the auction is a month later. Mom is humming a different tune this year. She was open to the possibility of paying last year but just now that's not the case so I said I'll be kicking the bucket. I probably won't wait until August. Probably very soon. As usual mom is completely out of touch with my life in this country like many immigrant children however I'm totally different with developmental disability and no supports. No sisters. No anything. ... for dinner mom was going to get hot food from the deli and Chris thought instead about going out to applebees and threw a tantrum. mom said no due to the rain. When Chris pulled a mom she's tired of living here mom did another stupid of telling her to go find herself an apartment. What a cruel guardian! I said to Chris the truth she's a danger to me by saying to call the police on me otherwise I would be doing a puzzle with her. No response. I look up applebees menu and without a hearing aid mom has us both yelling at her for certain words she can't make out. ... I was not going to buy any more alcohol b4 I jump so that I would be clear of any tummy aches but that didn't happen. A child is listened to and cared for but an adult is expected to hold their own. The problem is when developmental deficiencies have not been taken care of and no one knows what to do or say anymore. I've always said it's justice or me. I'm sure there are unbelievers out there. ... and this next day as mom did something hastily because she didn't do it yesterday like I told her to, off goes her constant buzzing of complaints that my ex once declared he could never live with and me and christine are drained of energy by her. You just want to reach out and slap her that she is this way from being all by herself all these years oblivious to the effect she is having on the children she is raising. All of this constant buzzing will be gone from me. A sense of peace in this life shattered by no one taming this loose cannon and any hope for its cure shattered to oblivion by judge deanne m wilson. ... so mom came home from shopping with only a couple of items. Won't learn how to ride one of the motorized carts. It's going to be a terrible St. Patrick's day. And now mom exudes stress on us as she complains about the containers she can't open but "refuses" accupuncture. Now she's giving Chris sweets she got at the store. She brought this on herself, at least in America. ... a little while ago I brought up to mom about the lack of life planning that I was in my 20s or 30s and asked what the plan is if I die. Her response was a jokingly "we'll put you out in the backyard." She still laughed at that when I said it to her today. No fucking joke. :-((( ... favorite time of day. Came home w the shopping and I forget how it started but mom pulled a me-mom (not christine-mom) of saying "give me her phone number (the real estate lady) and I'll call someday." I told her she only has tomorrow to call about my house bcoz I'm not planning on still being here when she gets home from St Patrick's day. That I am not putting up with this where robodick says they can arrange visits with christine but christine will never see me again bcoz there's no way I'm agreeing to that. I lived in a hospital w her and know what she needs. That's how she wound up with a bloody head on the driveway. His plane should (have) crashed on his way to Colorado or ohio - where ever he's got to go. Tonight I'm going to leave on the past life meditation all night rather than the laptop-die-in-a-while. I also spelled out AGAIN for mom I came home from a hospital and suddenly had NO sisters to help me understand life and she had no patience to teach me meanwhile she has reunions with her sisters at any given time. IF THIS WOMAN IS NOT CAPABLE OF CONNECTING THOSE DOTS HOW IS SHE LEFT THE CARETAKER? !?! yeah so now their saying it's mathematically impossible for bernie to beat hillary. Fucked-o-rama. Nothing new. Africa is the next victim of hydrofracking. ... I just had a flashback watching chopped college championship. I hope I remember what it was. - it took too long to get here though so I forget. ... all night meditation yielded long sleep and dream where I was at school with 2 or 3 younger kids and I don't know if the one my age was a boyfriend or brother. None of it took place in a building but in the wide open grounds outside where they were peaceful loving and patient as I learned the newness of it. At a certain point we went to leave but I had to go back for something I left. Coming back to them I wound up stepping in a quagmire of mud during this mud season and said "shit!" which very well could be mom doing that in real life. Dream reminds me of olden days in Adirondacks. Grounds were rectangle in shape formed by 3 or 4 bldgs. ... I've been in bed all day this past week. LET GO of robodick's power here. LET (SIGH) GO of air head and the court's stupidity, corruption, and recklessness. LET GO. fly away. Song in my head says "goodbye papa it's hard to die..." I must look up lyrics. LET GO. ... mom left a voicemail on the real estate agency voicemail. She ended it saying "I'm her mother." Same tone of voice she would for Christine. ... so afraid but as I deal with life here there's so much "noise". I want the peaceful loving patience of my dream. Feel like crying over the communication loss of James but that's an electronic box. I'm listless. Betrayed. Unprotected. I recently remembered back to my classmate in 4th grade whose father got drunk and shot himself. I heard that she got married at 15. ... fucking stupid. Mom just signed Chris up for OT and didn't mention christine's brace. Got the number from the harvard foot doctor who didn't observe christine's knee snapping back. Instead of all this bullshit I could be taking Chris to the #3 hospital in the nation for all her needs. Her shop recommended an OT. I can't believe mom didn't mention christine's brace... got 4 or 5 hours sleep last night w/o a round 2. Think I'll do so now for a last terah and plan on not chickening out tomorrow. No one is rescuing me. ... I feel comfort from the +1 I see from a maryland law office but w/o a job offer won't save me. It stings and burns more how my house situation is being treated. Mom finally heard back from the realtor. Mom doesn't go into the bathroom w Chris anymore. I would treat christine's tendonitis with herbal remedies but instead I don't think anything is done. It stings and bites the worries she doesn't have. ... I forget how it started b4 but I again told mom that when I was 15 she had an obligation to get someone else involved if me going to that Kessler head injury meeting is THAT important. I was entitled to be 15 when I was 15. ... this is a short unexpected thunder and lightening storm. Rare for it not to be predicted. What does that mean in the spiritual manipulation world? Something. I just don't know what from a potsdam freakshow no one has ever taught me about. ... watching family therapy is helpful. It reminds me of the impossibility I'm up against. Remember this family will never get family counseling because of judge deanne m wilson who denied my request for reconsideration with a lawyer. I was going to watch the infestation hypothesis (s5e2) of the big Bang theory. How ironic leonard is my twin when it comes to cybering. My request for reconsideration included a request by my lawyer for some court ordered family counseling. My only insistence would be that it is brain injury Specialized counseling which absolutely is different. Remember one of my hang ups with mom was her impeding my growth for example when dad wasn't around anymore and I needed help with a spelling test and instead of helping me mom said "oh that's how you spell hyena!" To a developmentally disabled neuropsychologist that is something completely different than the to-do a psychologist would make out of things. Family therapy is on vh1 and I relate to Lindsay lohan's father (?) in sitting there and listening to lies. There was a period of about 9 years when mom came to another family counseling session (with christine only) I wound up storming out bcoz I just couldn't stand hearing mom's cool collected answers she was awake after the accident and the discussion is over and the problem solved. Meanwhile aunt chrissy gave me the insight stephanie was buried when mom woke up. I WANT FUCKING FACTS. Before Claire passed out she said she heard mom yell "my leg. I'm hurt. I'm hurt." So that could well mean that mom was awake before she passed out. I'm not looking for a guessing game. that particular counselor was neuro specialized but she also was referred by the insurance caseworker which the insurance can be sued for. ... I'm petrified of dying. Family therapy on again in 10 minutes. Not so sure mob wives apples to me. Housewives seems to. Letting go when no one else will help. Letting go. ... b4 I saw a tic tac commercial with different flavors and my first thought was "ew! Now what are we putting in our bodies?!" But then I remembered how I felt driving across the country: "I don't have to deal with this anymore." ... feel so alone but comfort by the unexpected weather. ... dr jenn is the polar opposite of what a brain injured needs just like the mediator we went to. Mom knows how to bullshit artist these people and Claire will not go to any counseling. ... I'll at least be showered is the plan. This is a child crying out but no one is going to save me by employing me. How does spirit enter it's soul family 3000 miles from home? ... I also learned on an episode of Rediculousness that cunt is not an offensive word in Australia. Dick might be. So based on relativity a life could have been saved. Instead half ass thinking corruptness is running our courts. Need to let go. For all I was worth in this life just let go. ... and now I lay all alone in bed. Will I be brave and strong enough to carry thru on the inevitable? ... lying here as usual. Checked up on James w my alternate acct. I simply don't see how there's a connection he has with some people. Fantasy fulfillment? Anyway I'm not feeling so good that what's important to me will be left in attentive enough hands. Let go. Let go. Of all that celtic delusion and fear that held u back in so many ways let it go. Of all the people you feel are snickering let it go. Torment. Brain injury is torment. Let go. But so hard to let go of what has been done wrong. I get glimpses of peace. ... after I shower I'll be all ready to jump but will I chicken out? Mom is calling OT in Wayne, is calling her primary for a prescription to be faxed. Appt for ot is in afternoon. Shop said she has to go because problems pulling up pants and getting up from chairs. With the way mom goes on this is harmful to Chris. No one is watching this. Will I jump today? Will I chicken out and wait to see if someone saves me? I'm done w dr appts and sitting out for long periods. Mom never did her eyedrops this morning. Her eye dr is very upset with what happened to her in the nursing home. I wish he was my father. He would have sued the nursing home. Mom put up a fight yesterday about the #3 hospital in the nation saying she can't bend her knee after that surgery. Dah!!! That was the knee w/o a kneecap since 1978. Over 35 years of wrongs to let go of. It's no wonder I can't let go. Someone has to watch out for us. We sure as shit don't have it and haven't had it. ... I won't say can't. Just still needing to be ready. How mom lost our boyfriends over the years doing favors for her (except my ex who never refused): when I did the shopping a week ago I realized mom forgot to write down paper plates so I picked up what I thought was the same. Next day mom degraded me for buying them too big. Of all the wrong things I've done post-injury that led to screaming matches used against me, I simply let her know she's lucky she got what she forgot. ... so we know how this is going to go. Mom comes home and when gets upstairs goes to use the bathroom and I can hear her whisper ok to herself which is something of late (after my reminder makes her realize she screwed up but doesn't know what to do?) Or (her acceptance there is no going back?) and after the bathroom she goes back out and talks to Chris a bit about her tv shows and falls asleep in the chair. I'll be dead and that's how it will go when this happens. ... 3/18/16 still here. Chris is taken to OT and I'm onto my first Vodka serving. The drunk of our family was the one to correct which child was dead. Wonder if she felt her talent go to waste too. ... more comfort from a personal injury attorney but not a ny/nj attorney so it won't get me any justice :-( ... called about my student loan today and the male rep in PA seemed extremely irritated or impatient that I have no kids, never been married, and have no idea if I filed a federal income tax return in the past two years. Next I'll know better to have a come-back of "baby I'm fresh from the hay. I just need the right man to roll in it with." ... After 3 hours sleep it was early enough in the day that I could run down the post office unseen and sure enough there was no line that I told the guy I need it postmarked today and left it on the counter as he said ok and he was in the middle of something. B4 leaving the house what made me go ballistic was mom's newly "uninvolvement" in my affairs. Right up to my 40s she always has been. Gee she must accept responsibility of the lifelong needs of her youngest injured child. Certainly seemed that way. Her disregard started with her reaction of "do something for your child ma!" and culminated with her dismissal of not wanting to hear how my friend in NY was properly taken care of (meanwhile my inadequacies have always been compared to other adequacies - all non-disabled). I'm beside myself when she is completely aloof to accepting responsibility for the guardianship papers she signed of me after my father died. If she didn't understand what she was signing that still does not excuse how no one fucking intervened while she was left in unfamiliar territory. She kept to her shit lie I went off to college and wanted nothing to do w them #norrieandassociates +steven j Straub. When I got back from the PO I said if her story is true then it was her job as guardian to stop me from going out in the world (flashes of a 17 yr old fatherless child left with a single mother who could only monetarily afford to be left alone with children having profound medical and vocational needs). Oh and the screaming match over this she calls abuse. I then remind her how I got this way leaving out the part Claire was court-ordered out because of it - all according to Claire. ... oh I remember how this all started. Mom asked if I wanted to go to the town museum event in april (MAKES NO SENSE THE ACCEPTANCE OF THIS TOWN IN RECENT YEARS) and I say I expect to be dead by then. No reply. ... mom forgot it was palm Sunday. That's not necessarily memory but loss of social construct. Claire and aunt maureen are the only 2 she talks to on a daily basis.(4/17/16 it's really hitting home how mom recently said to me "why don't you go out and make some friends" and  actually that's what she did after her friends were moved away or died: she made friends with the very people she's been discriminatory against all these years: the ones in Christine's handicapped groups). I've been through this w mr Hyde who was an older soldier in WWII. All his friends died. It was only in a nursing home that he died. ... Today mom didn't know what to say when I reminded her she witnessed the lack of life I was living in the world.. when she brought up the life I've been living out in the world I said "what kind of life has it been?! You've seen it!!" Her look was an argument defeated but nothing changed as always. ... what's also telltale about St Patrick's day when mom came home is - can't put it into words. Will I get drunk for a second time in 24 hrs? It numbs. Movie last night about the little girl in NYS is quite accurate. I think I will have another drink while no one is saving me. Can't take these lies. Raw vulnerability w a knife thru its back. ... that was odd. Threw up w/o brushing my teeth after waking 2 hours ago. I must have drank too much. Oh well time to drink some more. Went to kitchen b4 and all mom was complaining about was the chicken breasts I bought being too big. We had it out about that's how she lost all our boyfriends doing things for her and that's why Claire stopped cleaning for her. She denied Claire stopped. HA! Riiiiiggghhtt. I then went right into how she never gloated to morris county I was going away to college. Riiiiiggghhtt. GULP. ... if I turn to my other side it smells like urine. That used to happen to me in my house b4 I got the old cast Iron fixed - something the cops discovered upon returning to my house after injuring me and ruining my life with psychiatry - I know because they left my basement door unlocked. No justice. No peace... that NYS movie on lifetime "mommy's little girl" w Sadie is very accurate zzzzzz. ... the other thing in our argument I pointed out to mom is that she uses arguments against me. She also uses me being away from here against me. Which is it??? ... 3/22/16 and christine had a temper tantrum and crying b4 laying down for a nap after coming home from OT. I'm sure mom's cold snaps help elicit. I'm completely frustrated I didn't get done today in the couple hours on my laptop so going to start drinking early. Mom has been slinking around as far as meals lately. Like directing Chris to not tell me or having a meal for lunch and saying they're not eating dinner. ... another outdoor and wide open dream: I was driving a paper route around Syracuse to see if i'd take it. I think an older woman who was in charge was in the rugged terrain vehicle giving me direction on where to go in the early morning dark hours. Came upon a house where you had to go up a steep drive and there were big rocks in the drive that I hoped I was going the right speed and angle so I won't wipe out. I was surprised I didn't wipe out and a dog was running slow motion in front of me. When we reached the top of the drive the scenery was the complete opposite of the rugged terrain the dog just struggled up practically making the dog do backflips. There were 2 house bldgs instead of one. We were unloading from the vehicle and I was on the verge of refusing either that house or the entire route. End of dream. ... and another classic of the pain in the ass we are just happened. Chris had trouble eating her Subway half and said " I need a fork" and mom outbursted "oh god I just sat down! You're going have to wait!" Chris said nothing and a few minutes later Chris said never mind. I was sure not to roll out there so that Chris would ask me instead. Chris has no clue the depth of all this. ... have mom and Chris here and calling into braininjurytalkradio w it on speaker phone. The sound quality of the guest is REALLY BAD. that sucks. Everytime I was reading to mom what this is I broke down and cried. We are severly late in doing this. At least mom is not pulling her impatient routine. She knows. She just hasn't been put in her place and her denial brought to a higher level by judge deanne m. Wilson that she was ever responsible for children medically and vocationally. Smh as I look forward to my next drink. ... if authorities are reading they might want to consider a picture eerily similar to Madeline McCann listed under "emo." Dark markings in the right eye exist only at the outer edge which could mean her medical condition cleared up so now there's a piercing on what seems to be the lower lip. There's also the possibility of trick photography out there. ... body shutters are happening more often. What does that mean? Christine is flying off the handle at mom unprovoked. That tells me mom is extremely negative and controlling of Chris when I'm not around. I.e. - I have to wonder if at OT today Chris had to suppress my assistance and put up with the mom my ex said he would never ever survive. ... started drinking early at the thought of mom lying about the letter written for christine's gp. Go out to get myself dinner and sure enough Chris asks me for the tv control. I say "what about mom?" and I roll away w my dinner saying something about the holy lie she's living in which she can't hear but christine's supersonic hearing can. Remember h&r block at the rockaway mall isn't too far from metro trail. Now Claire can find out how NOT easy it is to move with Rich unemployed. They get discounts at the nearby comissary thru TJ I'm sure but not sure about christopher. Comissary has mostly food. Don't remember about much else. I'm sure they get help too from their fellowship thru prayer heard from bugged homes. You should have paid attend to your family's medical life Claire. ... funny how the new edited erin Brockovich leaves out brain injury related logorrhea at the end when they're in front of the judge and Ed puts his hand over erin's mouth. ... 2(?) hrs sleep and onto round 2. Waiting to jump feeling completely bitter that the truth will die with me and as I already told mom she's getting away with murder. Looking at the bigger picture of returning to spirit in this way I guess a blockage is the vast majority of time spent deceived by the catholic church which includes Claire's sect bcoz even they are based on the catholic bible. ... tossing to drink coffee to wake or alcohol to go back to sleep. Think the alcohol will win out. Being how these lives were destroyed by deanne m. Wilson. ... for Claire to never mention a commissary the communication in her household must be worse than this house. I can't believe mom has no idea my ex threw rocks at my window and wouldn't leave when I was 17. That's the danger this loose cannon bag of rocks being left here all alone posed. What, she slept so well thru it? She didn't understand what was happening that she just didn't do anything??? For fuck's sake she's being left this loose cannon and the children are left in the fate of a negligent court. Armeggedon has arrived. ... watching Ireland's 1916 history brings up the rage of how much we've suffered under this woman in America. I think it was to am I heard her saying she doesn't want any of these "problems" (w her tenant in Ireland who stopped paying rent in exchange for house upkeep). STUPID YOUR DAYS OF NO PROBLEMS ENDED IN AMERICA THE DAY YOU ACCEPTED YOUR HANDICAPPED CHILDREN TO PROVIDE FOR. YES IT IS A LIFELONG DISABILITY. WAKE THE FUCK UP!! WHO'S GOING TO SAVE ME NOW? CERTAINLY NOT DEANNE M. WILSON STUPID! ... finally a dream in which I was being taken back through all the souls I've ever been or known. Most non-white non-american. Overwhelmingly a feeling of India. the more I had a hard time believing I ever was OR knew these people the more I realized we are all one having lived and will live an eternity of lifetimes. Damn alarm stopped the dream. ... of all the lack of stability that destroyed my future and no one will give you a chance because they don't feel you'll be stable meanwhile you are in no way a power hungry climb the ladder type person Ready to jump with hands tied beyond my control. Cheers. ... 2nd dream was about Tom next door from iowa not only was a different person from long island but he lived next door to my house .... this situation is even worse when considering the conclusions Claire makes about mom relative to having kids not getting it that mom expected that same type of development changes out of me magically (I.e. - w/o having kids and unaccepting of development that never happened for me to say the least). ... 3/30/16 3:15am lying here all alone awake for the past hour feeling semi sick to my stomach. My stomach never the same from when forced on Depakote. Thinking about all that failed this life including modern ones but there is one guy from philly who semi gets me based on brain injured in his own life, his educational background and being from a major city. Waiting to jump while my neighbor is waiting to nab my house solely for the price of back taxes. Have that on your conscience. No help? An injured child not taken care of? No worries. It's time for that 2nd round soon. Life rape.... it's 9/11 weather and the freakshows are still happening since incubus on 9/14. I just had it out w mom's craziness who doesn't want Chris to have the leftover pizza slice because mom doesn't like it but Chris said it was fine. Tomorrow is the last day to pay the lower part of my house taxes and then it's got to be paid to the Sherriff's by August. Think I'll have a drink. ... won't bother going out today except maybe to buy alcohol. I just can't handle what failed this life. Brain injury radio on tonight. Just bottoming out and all alone. Some people get it how failed I've been. So capable and no place to go. Can save me but I can't save myself. ... lying here w life wasting away. It could be my gofundme acct is a failure because of catherine and john's connections in southern Cali. I already wrote it but i'd have to remember the place in so. Ca. he told me. It wasn't san diego but near and some type of heavy Mexican influence. ... FINALLY? Yet another person to verify untreated seizures increase brain damage. A witness to the danger we were left in. The end to this lie arriving soon. Robodick and airhead brace yourselves. ... 4/5/16 have been too busy either advocating for africa or sleep changes due to late hours on air with other brain injury survivors. I get a real funny feeling out of mom acting that old one small step away from everything being ok. SLAP. WAKE UP. you have lots to do woman before everything is alright. Oh and there was a complete disconnect with mom when I heartbreakingly had to explain to her WHEN I WAS ARRESTED BY A MAN GUILTY OF SEXUAL ASSAULT (?) which... 4/7/16 last night I could swear Ace Ventura was looking my way as she was on work stopping some white van. I looked back the whole time until I was in my car. I think it was yesterday too that I had to do yet another explaining to mom my brain injury dilemma and it had to do with Mighty Mouse McGee too. smfh over the caregiver we were left with. No worries. While I have no life I'll be drunk soon. ... something about this last night knocked the energy right out of me. Could it be fate saying "rest. You've been heard"? Mom clenched her first against my face moving it back and forth which is what I went thru as a child. I forgot to remind all my phone listeners that as a child at certain times my hair was pulled and my head shaken upon coming home from a hospital in mom's inability to handle stress. The wind was knocked right out of me. Christine didn't understand she was being comforted by the very same woman who is increasing her injuries. ... mom doesn't know how to say no. She's dead tired from going to therapies w Chris today and they have a handicapped meeting tonight so instead of giving Chris the pizza that's been sitting here (even though that's what Chris originally wanted) they're going to McDonalds even though at mom's age it's too cold out. Such patheticness here. No one helped us. No one saved us and I'm on round 3. ... 4/9/16 mom is on phone w mother of nonhandicapped child I was compared to growing up. I think. B4 that mom kept up her childish shit that was completely inappropriate for our medical needs: I heard Chris call from bed and had to check if mom could hear her and mom denies she needs a hearing aid. This is in no way funny. Being left with this child topped off by Judge Deanne M. Wilson. Mom's true colors to my phone listeners reveals all. ... woke trying to get back to sleep and the stress of what I've been left in decided i'd have another drink. Mom then tells me not to put paper towels down the toilet. WHAT?!??!!???!!! Flashbacks of my international cousin long ago who flushed a diaper down and caused a flood????? That's just like the christine's crutch I hit into the first time by accident as mom was hanging out her underwear on the phone that yes she has a child she medically neglected. The look of the atrociousness I am. ... 4/12/16 really feeling life-raped. Can feel someone trying to pounce on my house as I await my final strength to swallow all corruption and finally fucking jump. Those that believe in karma feel I'm getting what I had coming. Those that believe in undiagnosed-brain-injury is prevalent are more practical. It's ok to let go of this life. ??? " Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya Wi na de ya Ho ho ho ho He ya ho He ya ho Ya ya ya
Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya Wi na de ya Ho ho ho ho He ya ho He ya ho Ya ya ya
He ya ho He ya ho
Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya Wi na de ya Ho ho ho ho He ya ho He ya ho Ya ya ya
Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya ho Wi na de ya Wi na de ya Ho ho ho ho He ya ho He ya ho Ya ya ya
He ya ho He ya ho He ya ho He ya ho He ya ho He ya ho" ... Today 4/17/16 mom did her usual denial. I asked if Claire and her are asking Robodick about applying to banks like they did to me. We then got into Claire's sect believing the man of the house has the final say and mom did her usual blow-off. SLAP! Last night at 9:40pm mom just deflated her handicapped children by saying something demeaning about the sound of someone with a tracheotomy and speech problem coming out over the phone saying the "gibberish" would drive her absolutely nuts. I saw the look on Christine's face after she asked mom to repeat what she said. It was a look of "thanks a whole fucking lot. That is my life I live with all the time. Thanks for your support!" I actually know how Chris feels. Because of mom's attitude I specifically went out into the world with a reality attitude but still followed her directions of not bothering reporting to Social Security when I work. ... TRANSFERRED FROM POST OF 112 COMMENTS FROM NOV. 2014 (SAME CONTINUATION) : 4/21/16 heard mom tell Claire they would meet w her for lunch one of these days so I asked questions about it such as where and mom said they've done so b4 and I asked if Claire was ever at one of christine's dr appts and mom said no. That's when I laid into her recklessness of Claire being the sole other guardian and that everyone in the brain injury community knows how wrong she is and that if christine didn't have worsened brain damage from untreated seizures she would know better and press charges against mom (for reckless negligent disregard?). I was too out of it to participate on the phone last night (from my trip). Better luck tonight. ... 4/22/16 so incredibly sad. Can't remember at the moment why I'm incredibly sad. I guess it started w my house and I would take a $10,000 loss if I accepted the offer. Don't think I'll accept it. I'll probably wind up jumping all in the name of Potsdam NY. Oh what you did to an innocent. Oh what you did to an innocent. Oh what you did. What did butler do? Allowed failure. Who or what did this to us? We are here. We matter. We are alive just as deserving. We will die w/o intervention. I only need to embrace letting go of life. I only need ... 4/22 this shit bitch just got under my skin. Not only did she just take off a sheep to the slaughter of tire guys giving her shit tires but before she left there's this constant buzz of whining stress she can't find her credit card. STRESS I COULDN'T ESCAPE FROM POST ACCIDENT IN THIS HOUSE. Flashbacks to Steven J. Straub representing Claire and mom in court citing me as causing stress. I finally ask if she wore a jacket and then I hear her mumbling stress say she found it. I say "all that stress for nothing." She mutters something and I repeat and then she says I know what to do if I don't like it and then I remind her what christine's lawyer said in court and she said nothing therefore she is a Liar. This turned into a back and forth screaming nightmare match. Stupid bitch manipulates a court system in a country she doesn't belong raising handicapped children in...actually I'm drinking coffee to have a productive day. Screw it. Here comes the numbing agent over this shit court system that made a bad situation worse. ... no time like the present to keep on drinking. Rarely do I have dreams about having sex but that was a good one. I was able - bodied, on top, and I'm guessing in my skinnier days. Gee I must be missing life. ... so depressed and stressed. Still alive so keeping my budget for heat. Mom started in about it. Someone take care of this misery. ... depressed. Who did this to us? Who did this? Who did this? ... depressed. Depressed. ... 4/24-25 ok potsdam freaks. Go to it and destroy the latest: I find in the past couple days my need to eat or the room starts spinning has gone away. The only difference is that I have been eating raw apple pieces w peanut butter. Go for it and let me die quicker. Or maybe it's the raw peanuts I only started last night. Mom started going on about the noise the chair makes I sit in and pulled the unrealistic I better not sit here anymore. I started in about her torment of diabetes and cirrohsis only happens to dtunks like all the things she accused my aunt of and it turns out she's wrong. ... can't believe someone would even joke they thought I would come onto them. While I'm extremely grateful for that perspective not only does brain injury inhibit me in that sense but I no longer feel attractive which makes it even worse. All I really want is justice. That's all I ever wanted regardless of circumstance. Other than justice I dream of being able to take my last breath leaving behind all that was never fixed. Never done right. Child abuse left undone and all that is wrong. It doesn't feel natural to die with unfinished business but as Eminem would indicate "times up. Oops! Over." The way I'm living now I'll never get over not having a father around at 17 years of age to escort 19 year old Romeo away from the house. CRASH. Even though I feel sick to my stomach I guess it's time for another drink. And a serving of misery until this family sees justice. And mom's history of destructive ways just shown through by going on about "outraged blaggardan" (definition?) rather than acceppting I made a mistake forgetting to fill the Britta pitcher last night. I know exactly what mom is doing because she did it to Claire for years and that is why I'm getting legal protection from her or jump. ... ah so this is mom's view of those with brain injuries: " blaggard. Noun. (plural blaggards) (dated) A scoundrel; an unprincipled contemptible person; an untrustworthy person. Usually, only used to refer to a male person." ... 4/26/16 now mom is exuding her stress over a series of sneezes she can't help. These past couple days I have redeveloped an impatience for her exuding "oh god!" in pain when she enters the house. Take the fucking elevator you lied about and shut the fuck up! ... 4/27/16 what a load of shit thriveNYC is. That's definitely a hillary(?) Special interest. Sick to my stomach but need sleep so here comes the alcohol. No one is taking care of this. No one is taking care of us. Mark my words for the next time half-deaf and half-blind mom convinces everyone all is ok and we slip right thru the cracks and steven j Straub and cristina Mirda just go on winning their cases. Flashes of mighty mouse walking past our ER curtain instead of social services intervening ... had dream about mighty mouse mcgee. Not a good feeling AT ALL. he was doing advertisents for his PT business that had more than one offices. I was present in the office he was doing this from and he was saying that he must be doing something right if he has all his success. The color hued of the tv screen was green. Bad vibes from him. Last first and only dream about him recorded elsewhere. Mom is doing her constant drone of negativity to Chris but Chris is happy to get out of the house so she puts up with it. Correction: it wasn't an only dream he was in but those other dreams did not have the definitive bad feeling about him. Maybe the dream has something to do with me stopping current treatment due to similar things happening but the chiropractor hired another to save time and not stay in the room w me. If I were a teenager maybe it would be different. No justice. No peace. No treatment but this situation is different that directly because of mcgee I have arthritis but here is a different situation I walked away from coz I don't need to try to figure out what is happening. I'll just live in pain. More to be said. ... AHA! so this is why NYC suddenly has these ads about mental health and psychiatry. Someone pertinent got a masters in public health. Where's my sling? ... 4/30/16 last night we watched world news together and at some point the blind boy who saw his mother for the first time came on. W/ mom sitting right there I emphatically yelled to christine that that's what she's missing out on because of mom. That it's not just something to see on tv but is available to her so she can see out of both eyes and all in the brain injury community know how much she's missing out on becoz of mom and because I'm not included in her care. ... 5/2/16 So last night on the brain injury radio there was a possible Westchester actress. Never will I trust what comes out of that area in case I be Rocco'ed or Lori'ed again. Not even mentioning the lifetime damage that woman did to me. How ironic this person had a head injury undiagnosed from the time period of life as me and how ironic they drove across the country 5 times, etc.  The person talked about what she put her parents through and mom heard that and mom is still waiting for the teenager to be aware a.k.a mom is still oblivious to her outbursts and this house being inappropriate for me and Christine. Like others living in denial mom is - I have a loss for words. It strikes a real nerve that this loose cannon was left to just be oblivious. Nice help you gave your family Claire. ... so mom is pulling her usual stress routine about getting the garbage out on time, TAKE YOUR WORKING ELEVATOR DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!. I was awake this morn when christine woke up and apparently mom is falling back into her old routine of ignoring Chris so Chris does the bathroom alone. Smh. Now because of mom's hand problems she is stressing us out going on about how hard it is to open the new can of coffee. If all the drug addicts who failed me are reading this they're just sitting there w blank stares. ... 5/4/16 So today my ass hurts and I'm fucking pissed off. I was in a hurry due to new info I heard about Africa and this woman's inadequacy shown through again! As I was falling down because of the slippery hard wood floors I was screaming and screaming as I was crawling to get myself back up. Down the hall Christine had no idea what was happening and started screaming back "what?!?!" and I said "the hardwood floors we keep falling on Christine! ... this bitch who needs to be sent back to the country she came from! ... that's why I need to be involved in your care christine!!" No response from either of them and mom was coming up the stairs as I started to fall but didn't say a word. It is her unbalanced view that I'm not her responsibility anymore. When I got into the kitchen I told her she's lucky I'm still able to get myself up or else she'd be calling the police to come here yet again to help someone up that has fallen.  The only words mom said next were about the screwdriver of hers that were stolen from the elevator guys recently at the house. THAT'S the childishness of mom. So help me god if my back is further injured because of this. ... I am SO fucking pissed off. I still have my ass hurting from hardwood floors. Tonight mom said how the incompetent daughter of her Italian mama friend wants to move out of the house because all the memories of her mom there. DAH PSYCHO BITCH. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU PUT US THROUGH? ?????? YES THIS IS THE FUCKING PSYCHO AND INCOMPETENT MEDICAL CAREGIVER WE WERE LEFT WITH DEANNE M. WILSON. ... so today 5/5/16 my ass hurts worse so I had to take mainstream medication which I was staying away from due to alcohol/liver but what the hell I'm waiting to die anyway. Mom's aloofness was displayed again today. The no-fault insurance is refusing to pay a doctor bill saying the reasons are unrelated. Sleep disturbances are a known thing with brain injury and this is what insurance it getting away with. I told mom she needs to make up her mind if she's simply going to pay this bill because that is protection I do not have without a lawyer. No reply.  (FUCKING STUPID).  There was something poignant from yesterday that will come back to me I guess. ... 5/6/16 - I am in so much pain but I have to get out there for africa. Like I said long ago this racism will never go away. These days that is dangerous as humanity hangs on the balance of being radioactively fried or fossil fuel inebriated. I can either do 7 hours or be at the 24/7 library. I'm too handicapped for the 24/7 library but may do. ... woke up late from the partial decision to just let my ass rest. I'm literally in SO MUCH PAIN but I have to get out there for Africa. Maybe I'll invite racist Muhammad The Just the Islam to take me out. Just make sure he gets the job done. ... ass recuperation for the day has won out instead. ... so mom has been going to PT for her hands and shoulders and Chris has been going to PT and OT with the physical therapist stating she's walking better but no communication as to me having any part in that, aka the doctor letter I gave to christine's social worker. ... 5/10/16 so the obliviousness of mom from yesterday has to wait. So lately hydrofracking has been on ABC hmmm. Kelly and Michael got Illuminati'ed today w the bushes, they ended the show w an asian child not listed in the cable info. Rachel Ray was interrupted w a common everyday NYC situation, and the falsehoods of life continue. ... what a fucking life 5/13/16 w no protection for women who need someone else to protect them from being taken advantage of. That is mom's fault for not having another adult in here and reckless hoping for the best in marrying me off (the whole time creating a division btwn me and the steady boyfriend AND THEN TURNING AROUND AND SAYING MAYBE I WOULD'VE MAYBE BEEN BETTER STAYING WITH HIM. COMPLETE confusion. So on 5/13/16 I'm guessing Claire thought she was going to make a clean break by leaving the state 1. not taking care of her obligations to Christine and 2. dodging her put-down of me for not looking for a job in a bank or things other than what I'm trained for. If she wasn't dodging she'd have to admit she's wrong. The difference is Robodick is not being put down by Claire or mom but ALL that stress was put on me. Claire left bulk garbage at mom's and it's obvious it's not ours and mom couldn't do it. They're cleaning out the house that if Robodick can't get a job they may move to Georgia. FUCKING STUPID. They'll move to the home of his parents but not Claire's "parents." As usual the bag of rocks denied anything was out of place. Said nothing is written in stone and I let her know I can't trust anything she's saying because she lies. denied said in court that this is the situation at the court until she dies. no plans whatsoever for Christine if anything happens while they're in GA. Yeah. ... 5/17/16 so last night chaos but today I have more blood in my digestion. Last night called brain injury radio and mom snapped at Chris bcoz she refuses to get a hearing aid. Tbc'd ... 5/18/16 THIS SHEEP TO THE SLAUGHTER MORON TAKING CARE OF US JUST DID IT AGAIN. DIDN'T EVEN PREPARE ME FOR IT. INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR SOMETHING IN WRITING THAT SAYS "WE'RE STOPPING PAYMENT, INVITES AN INSURANCE CASEWORKER TO THE FUCKING HOUSE. CHRISTINE STILL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE MESS SHE'S IN BECAUSE OF THIS CUNT WE'RE LEFT WITH. DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE BLOODY BRAIN INJURY SHE HAS BECAUSE OF THE VERY SAME WOMAN COMFORTING HER. IF ONLY I COULD SLEEP. IF ONLY. I TELL CHRISTINE SHE HAD A BLOODY HEAD OUT ON THE DRIVEWAY DUE TO IMPROPER MEDICAL CARE AND CHRIS DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHILE MOM DENIES IT. IF ONLY I COULD FUCKING SLEEP. INJURIES I RECEIVED FROM POLICE AND 3 HOSPITALS MEAN NOTHING TO THIS CUNT WHO IGNORED ME SAYING TO CALL A LAWYER OVER RAY HIGGINS NOT PAYING HIS RENT SO THE STUPID BITCH IS OUT ALL THAT MONEY OVER A WHITE ABLE-BODIED SINGLE MAN. FUCKING STUPID NEVER SENT HIM ANYTHING IN WRITING. ... JUST READ ALL OF THIS TO THIS INAPPROPRIATE DUMBASS AND ALL SHE COULD DO WAS REPEAT WHISPER TO HERSELF "RAY HIGGINS." THE DUMBASS EVEN TRIED TO DENY THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME. DIE CUNT AND ON YOUR WAY OUT KEEP KISSING THE ASS OF THE ONES TRYING TO KILL YOU. ... mark zuckerberg is an end of the alphabet White Plains lowlife who brought a baby into this world unaware of how underhanded daddy really is. The only other White Plains lowlife I've been victim to is Stephen Novacich. ... 5/20/16 preparing for the end. My house is not selling and I couldn't read the social worker the other day.she didn't give me eye contact until the end and I don't know what that means. The only hope I have left doesn't seem to understand the urgency of the situation. I'll be leaving with unfinished business. The neighbor's dog correctly picked up on what the bad spirits in northern NY did to me. If only dogs could talk to help save me. It's a don't think just drink day and the spirits will most likely keep me alive with torture rather than let me rest peacefully. I was so fooled by this woman. I didn't see it til I got back from across country. ... next day So last night the inappropriate asshole we were left with shone thru mom's true colors when she was on the phone w her sister and yelled at me for talking to loud on my phone and her sister asked her who I was talking to and mom coldly referred to the brain injury support people I was on the phone with as "those people. " her attitude was so poignant I was sure to tell the phone recipient about it. This is the same recipient mom lashed out at in the beginning calling her an idiot a few times. I need to mail a copy of the doctor letter to the social worker that was here. Claire is just as much an abomination knowing these abusive ways as mom and STILL saying mom did her best. I'll be damned that just made the street power go out. I went out for round 2 and told mom I had to get to the sink. I rinsed my glass but since mom was still puttin around the counter asked her to give me the dish towel. As she reached for it everything went out as if her action caused it. Her sad ass attitude left a loose cannon is now shining thru with impatience as to how long we'll be without power. ... 5/25/16 Chris fell again. The 1st time I know of since her bloody head on the driveway. I recorded the 2nd bout me and mom had about including me. Cops are here to get her up. She's not saying ow when they got her up. Cop asked if she has a walker. Mom said no she has a crutch. I have no idea if they looked at the crutch. I didn't even give mom my input about it. My knee that was injured at my chiropracter is acting up but I'm just waiting to die. Let the world go on fire if the energy companies get their way. I'm dying. So much for sitting out for some africa work I was going to do later. I may still sit out later. I have one of my posts completes. Right now I'm topping off judge deanne m wilson existance into drunken oblivion. My first question - there were many questions mom rolled her eyes at but the clincher is her denial Chris is going to PT for her knee. I rephrased the question Chris is going to OT for her shoulder ( I should have said arm) and repeated mom's lunacy that she's going to PT for her leg. "Where is the knee located???? WE DON'T NEED THIS FUCKING HARASSMENT COMING HOME FROM A CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL!!! THen she says she'll only go to morristown to report she's being harassed. I say GOOD! THEN WE CAN GET THE BALL ROLLING! I really need to get in touch with Melissa Henderson (hendersen?). That doesn't even touch all the other stupidity these days. Now mom is pulling her inadequate makeup by involving herself in christine's shows and of course is delighted. I did the same. I watched TV all alone and cherished the moments mom stuck around. In later years came to realize her absence was because our lives were put on tv via insurance and the Mafia (aka Ms. Rocco). When Chris said ow the cop did ask what hurts and she said her elbow. MY FUCKING ASS STILL HURTS FROM FALLING ON THESE HARDWOOD FLOORS. I WAS GOING TO TAKE THREE ADVILS FOR IT BUT I'M DRINKING NOW. fucking drug addicts have plagued this life. 5/27/16 fucking typical: mom turns on dr. Oz and falls asleep. Chris calls her and mom turns off the tv. The fucking show was about fibroids. Did Chris ever get that medical condition taken care of against cristina Mirda's win in court? I'll never know because of what's been done to me to accommodate Claire's undiagnosed brain injury of hearing sensitivity. I had stuff to post for africa. Screw it now. Here comes the alcohol for all the corruption that failed this family. 5/28/16 I'm Unexpectedly out of comission today due to mom's negligent house setup. This time it was the transport chair I wheel around in that has reversible(?) wheels that pushed up the little carpet she has by the kitchen sink. The wheel pushed up the mat and took my large toe's nail with it so that recently when I stubbed that toe and noticed blood at the root this time the nail came loose on the left side and is bleeding underneath. When mom touched it that made it bleed on the right. I have it covered loosely in moleskin and tape. When mom said about infection I said oh well I'm waiting to die anyway and let her know the seriousness she is not taking this with and maybe I'll pull the plug the day Claire moves to GA. then she'll have to come all the way back here just to say goodbye to her sister at her funeral. I pointed out to mom the father and 8th(?) grade daughter sitting out across the street pointing out what I so needed and missed out on and pointed out her aloofness to it. No response. What else is new? My ass is still in pain 3 weeks later. It's not like I've been faithful with ibuprofen either. ... time to drink myself to oblivion while the world puts aside a former injured child who looks and sounds just fine so let it be. ... a life well wasted. Dumbass not able t pull apart a package of dunkin coffee so recruited me. Dream got job thru employment agency that pays the agency $90,000/yr. Job entails ibm mainframes. Woman ... 5/30/16 mom got under my skin today starting with her need for a hearing aid followed by what can only be imaginary friends "everybody" who says I shouldn't be living here and am not handicapped. Yesterday Chris was grumpy coming home from a westchester Theatre event but indicated nothing was wrong and mom wasn't going on and on. I was surprised today to hear Chris go on back at mom about how she always talks about doing stuff and never does. Mom got under my skin w her lack of memory Chris used to go to her handicapped activities alone. But there is no one else here to set the record straight and she is a blissful loose cannon while I stare down a gun barrel w no one to save me. Anyone who watched Staying Alive yesterday heard "brain damage" and "Allstate". That's all you need to know as I seek the courage to be gone before my house goes. Think I'll find out what's happening for dinner and then drink myself to sleep as I remain the product of neglect and failure left here. ... my expiration date is on it's bitter way as apathetic silence surrounds me.under my skin this week is mom's lies what she used to say about Italian mamas never happened. That is nothing knew. I grew up with that harassment by this woman who supposedly doesn't suffer split personalities verified even further by an inappropriate psychologist. Tonight I ripped into her seeing world news tonight that exactly what I said will happen is happening: Chris is now missing out on new advances of stem cells injected into the brains of stroke brain injured victims. All I want for christmas is the heads of deanne m. Wilson, cristina Mirda, and steven j. Straub. Date is 6/3/16 and expiration will happen before I lose my house. I'm bleeding from the gums and ass these days. Someone can save me or I'll expire bitterly because it's all a matter of those accountable not being held so. I was a child. I was innocent. I won't be around for christmas if all goes as planned. It's just a saying. I'm even fucking ignored over the littlest of things like string cheese. Instead of mom taking Chris to the medical appropriate situation she needs mom started weight watchers w Chris and ears string cheese like block cheese. All those little things being ignored about really do add up to a child sent home from a Children's hospital. It destroys a future life. The bitter Pill swallowed will be the Italian mamas who watched me die instead of taking care of things within statute of limitations. DRUGS. The bitter. The bitter. Get used to it and swallow all of it. Whatever you were before coma you are now someone that doesn't belong with this stupidity and your spirit will depart the body your mother will sob over but your spirit will be free from this prison. The trauma imposed on George lee II in roots is exactly the fear and trauma imposed on me and christine as children. His behavior was feared into being sold just like christine's excessive eating was feared into going back to the hospital and locks on the refrigerator and I was feared away from social workers by being threatened by leaving the home. It will be a sorrowful day for sure when the innocent one loses their life. In my ex's aloofness to what I am and having no father I'm going to wind up the casualty. Does the Children's hospital still release children to these atmospheres? Swallowing a bitter Pill. Maybe in a past life I was on mousselini's team and this is the Italian mama's way of getting back at me. That would explain dreams of men dead hung by their feet and my aversion to tattoos. Bitter to accept death. 6/5/16 - lots of NYS license plates around town this weekend. Something to make note of as my NYS - originated expiration date comes bitterly closer. 6/6/16 - bastard ways of the north country have been noted: " j as in Jon. C as in Kathy."... Chris just "fell" coming out of the elevator. If the elevator wasn't small she would have gone down - as noted on a previous date. I asked her if me talking to her on the way out distracted her and she said no. ... 6/8/16 - 2 hrs of today were voice recorded. My back breaking with each lie or inadequacy mom portrayed. As if I wasn't at christine's first eye appt, as if I wasn't the one who instigated Chris going. As if mom brought Chris to an eye doctor on a prescription from another doctor. As if Claire being court-ordered out of here is irrelevant. As if as if as if. I was very grateful to be asked about my life because it is relevant for Chris. Mom is telling aunt Maureen about the social worker visit now. She told mom the caretaker of Chris can get paid for caring for Chris and I spoke up since mom got away with the lie I'm after christine's money. All mom is telling am could also be about me but mom gets away with a crime. I told the worker mom wouldn't listen to me there are other transportations for Chris and now she's finding out and since mom doesn't listen to - screw it - it's all on voice recording. ... 6/9/16 This is more than getting under my skin. How do you find an adequate word for harassment and neglect by the guardian you were left with and then no one did anything when turning eighteen? This morning mom's craziness started with how hard it is for her to set up a new toaster. Having a problem carrying it she had it sitting on a chair and was edging the chair over to the counter. I picked up the toaster from the chair and put it in it's place. When mom had a problem reaching a plate she started with her constant complaining but with a different element of a cry so Chris picking up on the distraughtness, distraughtingly asked mom if she wanted Chris to reach up and get it. Why is mom putting on a sudden act??? For the purposes of getting help in the house in relation to the worker yesterday? So here's the harassing part: just as we were brought up under the constant harassment/unsettlement that mom is moving back NYC (that never happened) now mom is saying she's moving to senior living. This time as she loses her abilities to take care of herself something HAS to change this time. So she elicited out of me a storm of "oh no. You have to go back to court to get this right this made it very clear in court that this guardianship is set up you are caring for Christine until you die. Now that's changing? You have to go back to court...oh claire's moving to GA? What's Christine's welfare?..." I'm getting the bottle-neck effect of emotions as I try to spit out the harassment. When it came to the information I gave to the worker yesterday she said if they don't throw that in the garbage their going to have a lawyer after them and I rubbed it in her face how many times I tried to get legal help for the things we needed and all she did is laugh at me. A useless immigrant (medically) to care for the needs of medically needy children. I then thought better of it that a lawyer would be fine - it just won't go in her favor and that I would be - lost my train of thought this is so stressful. I then let her know that I took pictures of the rights given to her and she started talking to me like I was crazy. I pulled the sheet out from under the place where it was and that also elicited more harassment. I let her know I took pictures so she can't lie about it and try to pull the wool over my eyes. It was so very relieving to give supplemental information to the worker yesterday. I think she understood this guardianship was done ALL WRONG. Mom kept being dismissive with me but the worker knows she needs to get a full picture of the situation. I think the worker got that mom's disregard elicits my response. I aided with Christine understanding questions being asked of her and this is just sheer craziness this all got this far that at my mother's age this is happening now. ... and NYS tried everything in diagnosing me as a paranoid schizophrenic ... some Italian mama was gawking at me at dinner tonight 6/10/16. Wtf is her problem? Can't get over the colossal failure of legal and medical needs done to a child? Claire fell right into your trap losing her brains even further when having children. If you have something to say to me you should have come over and said it. ... next day - mom is going on with her constant noises of pains and woes and I forget what she said as she started toward the stairs but I said "take the elevator" (I think she complained about a pain in her leg) and she said "no I'm going to go to senior living" and I said "right like they don't have elevators there" as if she would be on a first floor. So glad for that social worker the other day. Not that she can do anything? ... 6/12/16 so Claire and robodick are going to ga because his father is sick. This has happened before only this time he's REALLY sick. Or does robo have an interview lined up? Getting to know fellow Way-ers in the area? I'm getting drunk early so I can get more sleep and plan a 12-14 hour day tomorrow. You're a Liar Claire. So his father has problems with balance and ear. Sounds like a brain problem. This might inevitably bring problems with behavior - a reality significant but tossed aside because Claire is an avoider. It could have given Claire insight for her own family but Claire is better at avoiding just like she has avoided her in-laws before saying they argue all the time. The only way I'll be victim to a mendham moron is six feet under. This holy lie will not stay like this with me in it. I don't envision going peacefully. ... as mom was struggling w dinner she said something that elicited out of me " then you shouldn't have lied in court that the guardianship is for until you die" and mom tried to deny she ever said that. I have the lifetime movie on "killing mommy" and that the murderer sounds just like Claire. This is after mom had nothing about complaints of the broccoli I brought home. ... 6/14/16 morning. fucking stupid has now denied I bought the last toaster. She bought the new toaster which works the same but is smaller. How do I know I bought the last? She complained about it everyday unlike now; she never would have bought the bigger one; I remember buying the last one. Stupid! Have memory problems? Then take care of them! ... 6/14/16 evening. So here I am typing offline coz it's easier. Highlighting again the social worker said the caregiver of Christine could be paid (by medicaid?) and I made a point of reiterating that since mom made her case to the lawyers long ago that I was after Christine's money. Stupid bitch is now saying she never said that. Right just like she never said Christine was standing on the landing waiting for her bus when she was finally put on seizure meds 17 years after they started. ... heard medical stupid on the phone saying she needs a new orthepedist and is going to look into a group in Morristown. She doesn't give all information so of course she's not going to share the information she shared with me 16 years ago so that knee replacements need to be replaced every 10 years. The knee replacement done by the ER orthepedic doctor who left me to live with a bent bone in my leg for over 20 years. Correction - mom got a shot for pain by the old ER orthepedist. She got surgery done by a new doctor. a second knee replacement that only took the pain away in the leg. she's not walking any better. No way to live a medical life. ... for the record on 6/15/16, tonight mom is tired from the casino and kept sleeping until I called her in conjunction w christine about her tea and said to mom " now that christine's $$ is not a prob because christine's caretaker can be paid go fix the guardianship and you'd have someone else to do this stuff" mom looked directly at me and declared medicaid does not pay her caretaker. I pointed out to her I recorded the whole meeting and it's only a matter of playback. Harassment ensued. ... so this morning I asked mom if they're talking about surgery for Chris and she spoke to me as if I were crazy. I emphatically explained they are increasing her knee strength but her knee is still snapping back. That PT isn't going to fix the problem. That something ELSE is wrong. How do I know? I've already had that condition. Disconnect! ... stupid is on the phone about a new surgeon for herself someone else had luck with. She has an appt in a week. Still no answer she told me when she got her first knee replacement she told me it's got to be replaced every Ten years. The ER doctor who left me w a bent bone in my leg is retiring "from some things." Numbing agent in place. Expiration date getting closer. Atleast the Bang I'm going out with is things sound like they're changing for parts of africa. Where's Claire??? Why isn't mom going back to the doctor who did the knee replacement 16 years ago??? Recklessness only compounded by deanne m wilson, cristina Mirda, steven j Straub, & Norrie and associates. I never gave mom back the info for the new christine lawyer or a mailing she received from an elder attorney in Parsippany. ... me and stupid just had it out. Started with the 70's popcorn popper me and Chris both remember but she doesn't. However it changed, I went ballistic with "this is the care we were left under?!?!?!" Mom just started in with her latest shit of me getting out. Right the uneducated shit we were left with. ... well it took some pulling teeth but my final hope is gone. Makes no sense that my identity hidden while telling my story online would be used against me but nothing surprises me anymore in what's supposed to be our justice system. Adios amigos when the final hour arrives. Nice going in the lives of children being left here losers - as mom coldly snaps at christine for sitting in the dining room instead of the kitchen because it will make it harder for her to give Chris her seizure pill. And at 11:22pm there is the harassing 1/2 ring that happens at significant times. Is it blondie who caused me to suffer police injuries? Who is it? ... how ironic in these final days mom still says "I should ask so and so where they got their chair as it helped their back." How ironic all we were left with. Mom is unduly influencing christine about something. I can read it in christine's attitude on today's date of 6/17/16


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