Friday, May 23, 2014

July 1st 2013
This type of justice for my permanent injuries from police that assaulted and imprisoned me could keep me alive.

July 2nd 2013 
Awake after 2 hrs because of the heat. Ice in cup over my heart seems to help alleviate sweating. Can't run my engine too  much because 1. The environment and my connection to it and 2. I'm dangerously low on funds. THIS BITES AND I WANT TO GO HOME - as  another drop of sweat slides down my face. $9.50 in my emergency Pennies is gone. $3.00 in dimes and nickles is gone to the dollar store for food you dont get at the food pantry. $10 of my laundry $$quarters went to gas instead. I'm surprised my  monthly payment didnt go thru yet with the holiday. They used to be available 24/7 to ask but not anymore. It's too  fuckiing hot out here!

Chris you're 30° cooler (in San Diego) than where I am. it is what it is. that's what I've been saying about my fate sinceI got here a couple months ago. I'm the type to always stick to intended schedule. - sort of.

July 3rd 2013
It's easy to die out here. Woke up after six hours this time by making sure my socks came off which is consistent with what I know about an infrared sauna. Although it's kind of anti-chiropractic, that's why the way of life is flip flops or sandals - it's only natural. I dont have that medical choice. My shoes are literally coming apart but that's how it is when you're subjected to no-fault special funds insurance. It's been over one hundred degrees everyday. Let me see if I can get a little more sleep.

July 6th 2013
Wow! Has a job fallen into my lap? Wow - someone who works with NYC too! Wow! To be continued...   

Wow Stacy! Not sure where this is going but I start Tuesday!

Wow! Lol

July 7th 2013
I want to go home to a restrained cannon

looks like I'll be by myself tonight? last thing I said was I'd see her tonight. maybe that did the trick.

she's here parked in a different space. I have to wonder if my mother has become this is already lieing about me going away to college.

now pulled next to me when could see I'm off to sleep. went to sleep same time last night approx.

July 8th 2013
Facebook is asking me what's on my mind. Here you go

Ok so I've left mom a voicemail reminding her about how the cumulative past became the present. She told me my father set up schooling for Christine (which can only take them til they turn 21). After that dad had long since died so Christine sat home everyday doing nothing which turned into temper tantrums and extreme mood swings. I had access to a resource list and gave it to my mother who completely ignored it but it prompted her to call the insurance caseworker who put her into the cheapest and most inappropriate program packaging thermometers and the like and sitting around when there was no work (11/10/15 - mom lied about this to the mediator saying it wasn't the insurance caseworker who did this but someone else. I know for a fact she turned around and called the caseworker - maybe she did get this from someone else but here we go with half truths). I dont remember when and how she was put into something more appropriate but I remember her coming home crying she wanted a regular job and my mother would tell her she couldnt when I knew my mother was short-changing her life. Before he died my father did nothing for me as far as I know except keep me in Catholic school with no extra help whatsoever for the rest of my life when there is a different but necessary life planning for me. (11/10/15 - Dad did try to sit with me and my homework everyday before he got sick and I guess he was able to see the difference in his child - I remember me wanting me to go out and play repeatedly and he said "I give up.") To be continued...

The good part about getting a traffic ticket is I'll be dead and it will remain unpaid by the time it's due.
Not doing very good right now. Sent this status update within 5 minutes of getting pulled over for an "illegal turn." He was also going to tack on there "no insurance" but I sifted through all my papers and produced the proof of insurance. I thought they look that up nowadays. I guess not in Cali

If you're going to be near where you were last I knew, I'm 100 miles away from there.

the more time ticks by the more sinking I am. A ticket for an illegal turn?? I was coming out of the place where I get hot water for my Ramen noodles and on my way about my resume to the potential job on Tuesday. I would say I want my mommy and I want to go home but it's seeming more evident too late, mommy didn't know how to care for baby in America under the circumstances

no that's ok Chris. I have enough to get home. I just dont have survival to sustain me. thank you anyway! if you have a sufficient job for me to return to that will be great! phone charging for about 1.5 hrs more.

mobile sucks! I was going to repost the message i've repeatedly posted to new fb friends which tells all about my status, protest, etc but it's not listed mobile on my profile. it's there.

fb is not working right. cant get to newsfeed.

fb is screwing up really bad! just left u a vm that I cant hang out tonite. busy day tomorrow. personal msg wont work either.

July 11th 2013
A copter circled me a couple times and went back to Rte 80. Cop who drove by me before made me uneasy.

"but knowing you nothing to hide just to expose truth just know your rights these days"

except alcohol helps me sleep whether I'm in my car or not . cops make me uneasy no matter what. with a brain injury I can fall victim to them at any given time. Just like the diabetic who was pulled over and manhandled by them while in shock I agree just like the constitution says "we the people" yet the people have managed to feel helpless against business and govt.

I'm pissed at Facebook. I can google the post I sent to all new FB friends but it's missing from my timeline. I wanted to use it as a reference the other day. I did not hide or delete it. Waiting for you to get your sh*t figured out FB!

I thought it was just a mobile problem.

thanks for letting me know it's not just me!

July 12th 2013
Will I get to work from east coast? W/o dad or brothers I'm in big trouble. Car key broke off it's car opener holder tonight.

July 13th 2013
Solitary Confinement and Mental Health: Terry A. Kupers, M.D., M.S.P. PART 1

Solitary Confinement and Mental Health Keynote Address, Conference on Solitary Confinement and Human Rights November 2012

Terry A. Kupers, M.D., M.S.P., Inst...

had to look up rawr. I forwarded it from occupy disabled. I dont even buy into mental health. I buy into polluted air land and water creating an organic problem to be organically healed.

July 14th 2013
So my learning of diff religions goes on. Mary Baker Eddy exhibits classic signs of a near-death experience and traumatic brain injury after her fall on the ice. Kudos to her female-protesting ways at a time when it was unacceptable for females to rebel. With the mormons Joseph Smith and friends were privy to a NYS freakshow (remember the "freaks" from Woodstock, i.e.? The Way International arose supposedly from a hippie pedofile or orgy-loving man. The 1000 year old church seems to be tied onto rituals rather than mind-freedom. I would venture to say catholicism was set up by hungry pedofiles who edited out important books of the Bible, etc. And the awe of truth continues so he admits reincarnation was taken out of the church in the year 300 or 400 for reasons the church saw fit.

Father Peter on Reincarnation

Father Peter is an ordained Priest and Master Teacher with the Ruach Center. More at and

So far job will provide pocket change and boss is really nice and good to me. I was pulled up on an island for safety.

August is still coming my way. Will I be saved by then?

July 16th 2013 

how to break the cycle is fucking easy - pardon me. the U.S. govt destroyed the crop they had to sustain themselves and work with a sense of worth. in my sister's belief in The Way International they continue in this cycle because of their unbelief in the one true God and instead worship things like the sun. how preposterous! how led astray. how sad.

July 17th 2013
Having gone down lonely road;
even my conscience doesnt know;
What lie ahead for my vulnerable soul;
From childhood I did not grow.
Then a stranger came and drained my life;
All I thought I'd take in stride; but he...battery low

July 19th 2013
Called mom to leave her a voicemail and mom answered. Told her I was calling to leave a msg and she said ok. Called back and left msg about 5.5 minutes long with example that if you allow things to occur one way and in the end when it doesnt work out your way blame punish your subordinate because it didnt work out to your wishes. You were in charge and allowed the subordinate so that falls on you. in the end she got away with it because I didnt have a lawyer. A lawyer doesnt guarantee winning but the chances for loss w/o a lawyer are that much greater which is what happened to me (paraphrase).

*crying* someone needs to right this old wrong because the consequences have arrived. Job seems promising to turn to full-time but that is the least important thing on my list when I dont have anyone to care for my affairs which arent here.

Besides I need to get back to where people know how to drive

Some jackass just rode by on a loud motorcycle right in front of my car waking me. It's not the first time this nameless asshole has done so. Now it's too hot to fall back asleep. On to round 2 of sleeping medication which is going to upset my stomach tomorrow. Cop driving by now has me doubting if I should. Screw it I have. Assholes in my life are nothing new.

man o man that could have been bad. questioned by the cop I just saw. scared the shit out of me. first time i've been here in months that happened. I want to go home

they've driven by here before and this has never happened. had to explain I'm supposed to be leaving in August but now that just started a job (just saw him drive by again - now SUV just parked next to me). sitting here with the window open.

accuweather says 65 degrees but Cali whether in the elements in the car is I guess too dry and arid. who the fuck is sitting in an SUV here? ah it looks like they laid down. 1 demand: if you mame me (no didnt lay down - shaving in the rearview mirror?) anyway I am to be taken out. I am not to be left alive. 1sheep 2sheep 3sheep... It's an enclosed vehicle so SUV is prob wrong phrase. It looks dark green in the dark w gold trim on the bottom and a tire? In the back.

I shouldnt even be scared about protecting my person out here. the uneducated prideful immigrant should have had me taken away from her many moons ago so I could live a full life appropriately.
its a Mitsubishi 4wd. dark color Cali plates. battery low. It was maroon. Now I'm bonefidely paranoid. New place where I get coffee not sure what to make of the manager. He didnt know the difference btwn debit and credit. Then didnt know ATM machines charge you if you dont belong to that bank. Now asked me where I go in the day. My response was "around" indicating local. I dont need to be pushed over the edge with stress. Little sleep. Lots of paranoia. 
it must be judge Etna Judy started spreading lies about me. when I looked up her legal name there's one listed in Malone ny. I dont need this stress.I dont know what to believe that she tells me. haven't seen her in a couple days.
Not sure how this is going to play out. Employer predicts increased hours for me. The way things are now, my life has been extended a month for people to realize the grave I'm headed to unless they do something. Employer said they'll help me with the call njls is making to me on Tuesday. I and employer already know I'm an asset. Employer has some of the same qualities as mom. Mom has the downside of disregarding her American children's lives like when the tenant in queens didnt pay rent for a month she refused to call a lawyer and ask what her daughter (me) was telling her that a tenant has to pay their rent. She just kept listening to her Ireland-polio treated sister that there's too many tenants in NYC protecting tenants.

Mother was wrong and I was right but that is justice that will never be had because she just sucked up the loss of money from him who left on his own accord. I'm just babbling right now about injustice I cant accept.
*rent for months* and *too many laws in NYC protecting tenants* how ironic mother gets a lawyer over one brain injured child and laughs at the other one. I have a life on the east coast to take care of.

July 21st 2013 
Me and the Hungarian guy just waved goodbye. I think he looks for overweight women for certain reasons. We had picnicked. We talked on the phone a few times til we ran out of things to talk about. We happened upon each other a couple Weeks later and I helped him a couple times with the computer. Then he was completely condescending and insulting about people with college degrees and I abruptly corrected him about what adjunct professors are. He made conclusions that were not supported by fact. for example all professors dont have any real world experience. They just learn things from books and repeat what they've said. Meanwhile he was a lost babe in the woods not knowing how to use a computer. As far as I'm  concerned he can stay lost. The only man I fell helpless to had no kids, no siblings, and no marriages behind him but did have an education and it was a different phase / time in life. I can hear my college Indian friend now "that's why you dont even try to explain to someone who will never get it" paraphrase. Actually I'm stuck in that rut in life because of the guardian who raised me since 12 - I didnt connect the dots that she wasnt going to get it and then the guy I was with for ten years didnt get it that I already got it and was more advanced than him - not intellectually but with how life works. Jesus his view of me when going away to college was I'd become a slut and fail out - in the end I had a higher GPA than he did and I had absolutely minimal interaction with most every NY caveman man except the one and only that tied my tongue and all else - time stood still ... And now I'm waiting for life to end because I just couldnt save myself after being failed by one after the other after the other after the other... I think I'm just babbling because I'm so alone. I didnt even get to explain that my parking buddy is not here anymore - or until further notice. I didnt get to explain my cop phobia for where I am now. This Hungarian guy really needs to take a chill in life. He probably likes overweight women because he feels it's easier to conquer? Whatever... He forgot our first conversation where I was honest about everything. Whatever.

hmmm so much to say...hopefully I just fall asleep.

Cant sleep.this sucks. Onto round 2 and havent even slept yet which I cant afford to do but someones loud engine needs to crash to oblivion. Hungry but had to get thru weekend on 5 dollar bill and 2 dollars saved up laundry quarters. Mom said she sent money for shoes - I guess she'll pay for my burial and tombstone as well instead of playing the old "I'm just a nice and innocent immigrant" act and "never realized I had to do anything else for my other daughter" act. Sorry - I get cranky without sleep. Now I have to reset my alarm for a later time in the morn so I wont go thru the day cranky.

July 22nd 2013      
But my question still remains about why the royal baby is never born still, w/ down syndrome, cerebral palsy, retarded, genetically disabled, etc.
ok Teddy Roosevelt was mamed by polio. any other illuminati? 
seriously .... any?

Today my employer told me again how helpful I am and how my particular attention to detail is so important and really saves so much. That's the type of employment I'm used to in life; that's the type of employment Salina Street missed out on because they didnt want to give me something else to do rather than go home and get paid minimum wage - a surprise attack by the female breast loving, impossible rude jackass I was working for. That's the type of employment NYS DESTROYED. I can hear my India friend now about how much I should have just left the area

July 23rd 2013  
Feeling paranoid. Why are cops around me more than usual? What's going on? I guess my boss is the first person I'd call for protection. voice inside me told me to calm down. it might not be what I think. switched parking spaces anyway. doesnt mean I'm not going to face problems later.

Tough pill to swallow. This injured child long ago never got needed intervention and there's no way to intervene now. I can ask a new judge by filing an order to show cause and verified complaint and it would be pro se again and there wouldnt be a hearing until September. That's too late. was told by the social worker that had they gotten involved years ago things would have turned out differently but it's too late now...3injured surviving children...2get intervention to assist living a full life. The 3rd (and youngest) is left out in the cold with no protections in place to return to the straddled cannon...trying to figure out the deep meaning in how any of this came about.

called independent living center and they said they left 2 msgs with my mother after she left a msg with them and he never heard back from her. I honestly let him know that it's prob because when she heard him speak she probably thought she wasnt going to understand him - his brain injury gave him the outcome of "slurred speech." called my mother and sure enough that was the problem. see I know my family. I know how things work. i've been AROUND. WHERE IN GODS NAME HAS CLAIRE BEEN ALL THIS TIME? so I assured her it's ok. that he has a brain injury and just like Christine talks slow from hers, he talks

slurred" from his. all of this is frugal(?) to saving me at this point. we'll see if mom goes into action now for her youngest child.

just left mom a msg that after my diagnosis at the hospital near the independent living center that procedure was followed for a social worker. that social worker was convinced she wasnt needed. WHAT TO DO NOW? Court ordered counseling or something else like formal inclusion in the guardianship. what else to do now?I cant go on with this ... I'm trying to stay focused but this is hard to do mobile...I need to put another post.

as my ex boyfriend said once, there's a difference between thriving and living. obviously I'm thriving. but as far as holding the pieces of my life together it's not there. when I had someone to move me from place to place and set up a structure to live in (not thrive) that's what I need now. outside of the boyfriend it's always been my mother's house. what I can do now is return to that structure that's always been my post-injury environment(a brain injury specific need). what I cant have now is the same PI environment pretending there's been no advances in brain injury care. let me see if i've been clear between my sobs in this last post...   

I have the message saved from mom to come home anytime. that's what I can do now WITH mediation. I cant go on without all our needs being addressed. ALL THE TIME Christine expresses wanting to get better which my mother has no problem with me taking her to Kessler every week for a treatment plan STILL waiting for her and not being acted upon. there needs to be some type of formal acknowledgment or mediation from the outside. ... i.e. - my mother's rendition of the Kessler doc was "he said everything's fine"... what he said was "she's doing well" WHICH MEANS SHE'S A CANDIDATE FOR...
this type of rehab which includes locomotion training, etc stem-cell research is now in its research phase and when its ni longer research she's going to miss out because I'm not involved. (11/10/15 flashback to Deanne M. Wilson when I was explaining in court about the doctor's not writing down locomotor training but verbally saying it AND THE MORON TOLD ME I WAS ARGUING WITH DOCTORS. Taken aback I told her "no I'm just giving supplemental information." Moron indeed. I guess the physiatrist's evaluation of wrong splint because there's dust on the heel is arguing too). I cant handle this heartache. when one our family dogs died I made it known to my mother we're not wasting time going no place dwelling on mourning; that I'm getting a new dog so we can progress and not dwell. that little yipping whip of a life brought new joy into our house and Christine was VERY changed being brought out of her shell by that dog. you can probably understand where I'm going with this

my mother is capable of providing basics but she is incompetent with the medical needs and progress in her american children. she didnt know what to do with me but she can do something now so that her children dont fall victim to what she doesnt know and she's not doing it because she doesnt know how. She recently asked the surr Court at my prodding what to do for me. When they asked if I was competent she said "yes." That was the end of it. She doesnt know and doesn't know that she doesnt know. I think i've addressed everything. one thing I forgot to address is August. this part time job will keep me going until September. when my resources run out I run out. I will not be doing bankruptcy or welfare based on the mistakes of someone else that have never been corrected or punished...what then? who knows. I cant see surviving unless there is needed intervention. told mom she has more time to get this right. dont think she comprehended. I havent washed dishes or folded/hung clothes since Kayla was one or two years old. (11/10/15 - I don't know a Kayla. I think I meant "Cookie"  and Kayla comes from autocorrect). sixteen years ago was the first time I didnt have the boyfriend around anymore to move me and set up a structure for me to live in daily.without that personal setup life just kept falling apart. i've been over and over this with my mother and oldest sis who remain abusive to my needs. what to do now? return to the one structure that works for me only with supervision since it's obvious my mother needs that. my mother has seen all the chaotic living arrangements i've been in and in conjunction with my oldest sister has concluded I'm just not a tidy person - that it's just me. Claire has been to none of my living arrangements, graduations, etc. her only involvement in my life has been bible studies and phone conversations and telling me I should get my degree because she never got hers. I'm an integral part of Christine's life and experiences so include me in her care but formally because we already know the wreck that has arisen with my mother under the radar. someone needs to fix this past mistake to make the present consistent or I wind up the casualty

July 25th 2013
For record-keeping purposes when I'm gone: spoke to mom who said she talked to the independent living center who said I have to move back there for them to do anything and they didnt say anything else except there's a mental health resource in another town. They never even gave her a phone #. She has no memory of me receiving a diagnosis at a hospital when I was seventeen (conveniently) and her grand son went to Voc Tech because he wanted to.(11/10/15 - I guess it was a year ago I showed mom the papers of that diagnosis and she acted in a way I never saw before - she tried to rip my medical records right in front of my face. I couldn't believe it!) That he got some help with his what? That she doesnt want to hear about me and Catholic school...that lots of people went to Catholic school and have good jobs.  that there was nothing wrong with him. that it's not true he was too smart for the slow classes and too slow for normal classes so my sister had to give him all the help...never happened...abracadabra. I told her to start telling things like they happened that I was not allowed to cook, sew, and clean so those are what I continue in life not to do. that she doesn't want to hear about this social worker from the hospital long ago Marilyn mindes bcoz someone else had her before me and she was just waiting to retire. this denial of reality is causing me even more stress than judge Etna Judy that I May just do away with myself any day now. I cant do without my mom. I cant do without reality. I cant do without this error never being fixed.

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July 26th 2013
Ok it's all clear now and I'm hoping I made it all clear. When I went to the school nurse over a hearing problem and the problem wasnt hearing but processing they had testing done of me and my mother got her own testing of me in NYC by a neuropsychologist. Mom's missing link was not getting me involved in ddd. Likewise, Morris county is responsible for never getting me in ddd. Mom knows all about ddd from being forced into the services when Claire refused to care for Christine over 30 years after disability onset. All mom has to do now is call ddd about me (so I found out the part of the conversation she never recklessly told me like so many other things). I can't return without a safety net and this is what I needed all along. The independent living center is looking into a social worker for me in this regard. It's still up to mom to look into ddd. Facebook family members who need to poke and prod in this regard are Maureen Murray, ray Murray, Kevin Murray, Teresa Murray, Louise and Melissa and Clare McCarthy, Teresa and Bernie O'Hare, and any1 else I'm forgetting like Yvonne O'Hare. As I said last night I May just do away with myself because there is no living w/o mom and there is no living w/o reality. I cant live lies and fantasies forever. I get my perfectionist ways from mom and I cant live w/o this massive error having some kind of resolution. Ddd stands for department of developmental disabilities. Judge langlois retired when I contested the guardianship, judge Wilson is retiring soon and if no one fixes this situation I have nothing to sustain my living.

I posted my story many times to all new Facebook friends after the friend bombs all taken down by Facebook (not just me but other people missing stuff). I'm running out of resources for survival and there's no way I'm doing bankruptcy or welfare when this is not my fault or doing. my mother who was given guardianship naturally of me when my father died is an uneducated  immigrant in this country and because of her actions in Court my oldest sister Claire was given a court order she wasnt allowed back in the home. the two remaining children in the home were completely unconsidered in this action, left to be raised by a reckless immigrant who was abusive not only in just cultural different ways but medical oversight.

longer story than what I can do mobile. I'd love not to give up. I was supposed to be dead this past November. I'm running out of funds/options.

 I'm in my early 40s...sounds ludicrous I know but that's what happens when you leave a child unchecked except for a home with daily meals and good far as where I should be now, I finished my bucket list which was to drive across the country. had less than a month left to survive when I decided to go to the anniversary of the occupy pepper spraying incident on 10/25/12. it was there I learned from an occupy NY visitor, Stephen Lewis, about strike debt. I gave it a try that maybe by the time I cant go anymore they'll get around to cancelling more than just medical debt. I was less than a month away from going on my final road trip the week of July 4th a couple Weeks ago when I happened upon a stranger who upon hearing why I'm here told me i'm hired and can I start Tuesday for part time to turn to full time. this is a business owner who has fallen on hard times and it is to be seen if the business will recover. I dont need to be working in Calif. I

have affairs to get back to on the east coast and certain disability-related isolation has made it so that I dont have anyone to look after my affairs. I'm too responsible to just let all fall to hell. maybe my final road trip has changed from the beginning of August to the beginning of September ...I dont see the point in dragging me even further in this reckless post-tragedy-injury life where it seems I'm surrounded by drug addicts not taking responsibility for a vulnerable child turned vulnerable adult.

Left mom a message that I spoke to the independent living center about any missing info. It sounds like he told her the thing to do way back when I was first diagnosed was to call the department of developmental disabilities since I was disabled before age 21. Marilyn mindes didnt even have a chance to mention that. My mother didnt get involved in ddd until none of us were in the house any more and she had to dial 911 when Christine fainted. Get busy mom! It's not too late to call them for me. I'm not returning w/o a safety net for me. Family on Facebook it's up to you to get the msg to mom. I'm really better off dead with no mom and no reality.

July 27th 2013
Ok it's all clear now and I'm hoping I made it all clear. When I went to the school nurse over a hearing problem and the problem wasnt hearing but processing they had testing done of me and my mother got her own testing of me in NYC by a neuropsychologist. Mom's missing link was not getting me involved in ddd. Likewise, Morris county is responsible for never getting me in ddd. Mom knows all about ddd from being forced into the services when Claire refused to care for Christine over 30 years after disability onset. All mom has to do now is call ddd about me (so I found out the part of the conversation she never recklessly told me like so many other things). I can't return without a safety net and this is what I needed all along. The independent living center is looking into a social worker for me in this regard. It's still up to mom to look into ddd. Facebook family members who need to poke and prod in this regard are Maureen Murray, ray  Murray, Kevin Murray, Teresa Murray, Louise and Melissa and Clare McCarthy, Teresa and Bernie O'Hare, and any1 else I'm forgetting like Yvonne O'Hare. As I said last night I May just do away with myself because there is no living w/o mom and there is no living w/o reality. I cant live lies and fantasies forever. I get my perfectionist ways from mom and I cant live w/o this massive error having some kind of resolution. Ddd stands for department of developmental disabilities. Judge langlois retired when I contested the guardianship, judge Wilson is retiring soon and if no one fixes this situation I have nothing to sustain my living.

TBI Documentary

I'm tired of fighting with family over their game of Russian roulette with my life. get the facts and mom's not on Facebook so family need to get busy.  

July 29th 2013 
Not at my boss's house. I'm completely NOT one to lose things. Since completing my bucket list, lost tooth flipper and flip phone. What's the spiritual message in that? My extreme stress over it is currently numbed over all my info being God knows where on my flip phone. then again there's nothing to stress about if life is ending. Then again what to do with this new beginning? *needing temper tantrum patrol*

officially obsessing over my missing property. concentrating on my 3rd eye opening and psychic powers knowing.

Please let my flip phone be at my boss's house! I was invited over yesterday for a meal and chill out for a bit. I've retraced all my steps and called all people in contact with. I never found my flipper. I had put it in an unusual place while I received a phone call from someone I hadnt spoken to in fifteen years. It's definitely not in my car or I would hear it. I see boss later. Freaking out!!! Alarm and all my info not with me

July 30th 2013

waiting to die. wanting to die. my brother-in-law is a robodick who doesn't belong in this family but because Claire is whipped I'm going to die.

July 31st 2013   
Boss is a beautiful person but it doesnt look like this is going to cut it. Asked about work the company has on the east coast but because of hardtime circumstance it's going to be a while which is not going to help me. I dont have a plan. Sent mom's recording saying I can come home any time to the Surrogate's court requesting the new judge revisit this even knowing my robodick brother in law can read this anytime. Even my nephews. last I knew Claire doesnt do the internet. Mom misled the ilc inquiring about housing for me knowing damn well I'd be at her house like always. She just needed to sound American.

occupied newbie doesnt want to die but most likely occupied newbie is going to die. on needs dad around yesterday. on is not going to make it. On thinks about reaching paradise after that final breath. On can expect to see all of dad's family again and both sisters on the other side. On will be so happy to see all 4 family dogs again. On will see 3 grandparents she never met and see the other one again. On will see all the friends who have died over the years. On will remember her heavenly being and what she was before this life. She will know why she wanted to come here to live this life. Maybe on was a he in a previous life. On will be set free from all the Catholic confusion of life that has withheld info on past lives. Will on choose to come back to this cruel world in a number of days with a new family? Completely forgetting this life until returning to spirit again? On is going off the deep end right now needing a fellow babbler like Greg Zuk. On is comfortably numb for the moment which will help get a full nite's sleep. on thinks about mom and how she's dealing with the American act she's putting on while her flesh and blood she will mourn a great deal for, will be buried under ground. That's one memory I had from some time in childhood that I dug up Stephanie's grave and pulled her up with my hand and we ran off. The dream didnt follow where we were going though. It only showed me pulling her up and we ran off laughing and/or with smiles.

Could only leave a msg at DDD. I dont have but need something done for me by someone else. *crying* 

August 3rd 2013 
Hush now baby baby dont you cry...mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean...

boss has mentioned a couple times about me working from the east coast. still waiting to see how this comes together.

August 5th 2013   
Boss is good to me as always should have been the case. Depressed though with good reason. Need to return home and indications boss is ok with telecommuting very eventually. Could always end it all soon. Need mom. Need reality. Too many significant people not paying attention those two needs are like water and oil. Ah sleep has arrived. Will I wake up dragged through this further? While robodick keeps his bride happy and family is left to flounder with inappropriate medical attention?

August 8th 2013 
I couldnt believe the DRUGS attitude I encountered today from the Morris County deputy surrogate. I probably dont even realize the impact of what a deputy surrogate is. I made some things very clear to him over email and he acts like I never said it. He then says that I have to fill out a form I can get online. I ask him specific words I need to google to get this form and he says yes. No such form found so I call back and get voice mail. Call the woman there who erroneously gave me the confidence to go pro se and she never heard of such a form but could make suggestions of other forms I could manipulate to make the form that might help. What part of "I'm going to die out here " are these people turning off? Due to inadequate medical care post coma hospital release?????? DRUGS.

August 9th 2013

today I got the deputy surr vm again AND I sent an e mail to feel free to send me this supposed form. I was told by someone they know this part of northern Nj to have a lot of corruption. yup. I tried to tell Claire once that the only reason their friend received couch furniture after praying about it is because the apt they were in is bugged. instead of listening to reason she told me to stop because it's letting the devil in.

August 10th 2013

Something feels familiar about this type of injustice

August 11th 2013   
Tried a Brian weiss regression. Came up with a female in bare feet wearing a brown linen dress which easily translates to a female hospital patient. Hmmmm. Thing felt in womb was mouth feeding.

....I'll try it again and see what I come up with but my first thought was a woman in that material dress would be stone age type before shoes existed and then I thought that type of material didnt exist back then. it's possible my trying to reason it spoils the whole thing. that's why I'm saying I will give it another go with a different attitude. Maybe why I'm so passionate about the mental health industry is I existed as a victim in a previous life and then in this life conquered it with all the resistance I so blatantly display. ? Maybe?

that still doesnt explain my recurring dream theme recorded approximately twenty years apart of my fear upon seeing a man dead hanging upside down where asphyxiation is possible thru hanging by the feet. my dreams are also very colorful which is why when I dreamt in black and white (the 20 years later when I started recording dreams again - prompted by it) I was FREAKED OUT.

August 12th 2013

August 13th 2013  
Couldn't ask for a better situation. If I need to leave for the east coast it's alright coz I need to do what I need to do.

It doesnt mean I'll still have a paying job because east coast clients haven't been finalized.

August 14th 2013



August 18th 2013 
Now is the absolute worst time for me to be treated how I always should have been treated by a post college employer. I'm leaving and she's giving me a laptop. It's just like the money my mother sent me for new shoes when a dead person doesnt need new shoes. I have no plan laid out to save my ass so there really is no other option.

that's the way life goes when you leave a developmentally disabled child with no protection as a vulnerable adult.

August 21st 2013      
Prosecution for vulnerable adults

that below 70 IQ doesnt apply here

couldnt leave that webpage w/o talking to someone. gee a final savior at this stage in the game? doubt it.

August 23rd 2013 
Mom is notorious for turning me off in her uneducated immigrant way so I need anyone to explain to her that what I'm saying doesnt have to do with living in the past - the shit Claire is feeding her - I know how my family works. I keep talking about the past to point out to her to do something for what has become the vulnerable adult from the developmentally delayed child whose needs were neglected. In her immigrant striving for a better life way not only is / was she completely disconnected to the American care I needed after leaving a hospital but I had no siblings to help me. I'm sorry mom if you're too late in understanding this. I tried so hard to get you to see and then in the end you took on Claire's shit.

you'll understand and I'm sorry it'll be too late when you do. vulnerabl...

August 26th 2013
Mom still won't accept I need personal family help and not hired movers.

thanks patty but i'm a train wreck here. i need a family or friend party to travel the three hundred miles with me to clean my tons of crap up. had family here from ireland asking why the ones here wont go help. they said no one will go up there so my condition is not important enough so life just falls apart. i get laughed at by family over my medical condition and one of those laughers was given guardianship of me when my father died and no questions of what happened simultaneously that a household member was given a court order they couldnt come back to the home. so the two remaining children went with improper medical and vocational care. when getting some kind of diagnosis senior year it was recommended i not go to college. my mother got her own opinion and the doctor recommended a specific local reputable college who wouldnt let me in even under the circumstances. instead of dealing with it professionally my mother tried to take care of it informally. no luck. so i wound up going to a college three hundred miles away that accepted me and i only knew about because my boyfriend at the time was going. that boyfriend is part of the train wreck in isolating me believing that i had no life before him which basically ruined some of my plans in life. at the same time he provided undiagnosed structure for me to live in. why not come back to mom? mom has a knack of letting my incompetent sister go with untreated seizures - tip of the iceberg. no one out there has a clue i come from upper middle class life because of how far gone i have become. train wreck.

i cant hold my life together alone and someone i depended on for years was my mother but mom didnt know how to give solid guidance and i couldnt recognize that was the case. now she speaks down to me in a condescending way at times. i just cant handle or accept that this person is doing the total opposite of what she did for years and there is no records kept for anything that is going to ... actually I just heard the phrase "sweet revenge" and that's what she did but the tragic thing is this has nothing to do with revenge but the careless and negligent condition of a medical life that can't hold up under these conditions anymore. I lost my credit. I am going to lose my house. Both of these only happened after mom pulled what she did at the surrogate's court. All of my dying attempts haven't worked so maybe I'll just lay here day in and out with
smart phone as only connection to the world. I've done things like that before and nothing was done about it. She just tells everybody I'm fine and doesn't know what to do so nothing is done and I just fall further apart. She might say something to her sister who will join in on the jesting rather than getting me the help I need. Like I said my life has literally been falling apart right under her nose and not only is she getting away with it but has misled all that anything was wrong. Something of that is because she can't recognize it as an immigrant and some is because she's only good at denying there's a problem.

another desperate, time-ticking, message-left-in-vain(?) to the deputy surrogate that he doesn't want to be the son of a bitch gatekeeper for the plea bargain that should have been and something is keeping me alive (details withheld) . if you go to PG 11 you'll read about a typical immigrant's behavior in bragging about their child's accomplishments but complete omission and aloofness to consequences. my mother bragged about me to coworkers and family and friends but proceeding pro se no witnesses were called to rebut my mother's claims and lies. can anyone step in now?

September 1st 2013
I've just been referred to as being "fine." The usual typical reckless, negligent, get-a-fucking-clue-about-you're- handicapped-child's-American-life-or-get-your-overwhelmed-ass-the-fuck-out-and-go-back-to-where-you-fucking-came-from attitude. 

overheard bits of mom talking to Claire and Claire sounds as foreign to mom as mom is to America.I know my family. I'm no stranger to this household.

September 2nd 2013
I'm reminded of my failures in this life as I had to yell at my mother to not stick her nose into something I was trying to accomplish - a simple daily task. That's how I grew up post accident not doing things for myself because she had to do them to make sure they werent done wrong. That's her behind closed doors - a control freak with nerves on end. Oblivious to her impact she also expected everything to be normal for me miraculously and then in the end put on a condescending act to make out I'm the problem and all I do is fight with her. Do we have a clearer picture now? My post about losers is not related to this post.

my sister is now also on a med for hypothyroidism. of which she doesnt drink enough water with (directions by my mother who doesnt know better) and she takes a petroleum based B12 and other petroleum based vitamins. my heart is more damaged every time. there's natural treatments for her that I refuse to participate in informally. there's other things available for her like a hyperbaric chamber. *heart is breaking*...oh Claire got her large print search-a-words and Christine has no idea where her eyeglasses are....I just cant fucking take this. me and Christine have both suffered from inadequate care but atleast I'm able to go to a natural food store to make up for it or an eye doctor without my mother potentially lying that"he said everything's fine." just like when a reputable physiatrist said she's doing well meaning she's a candidate for treatment but my mother's rendition is "he said nothing's wrong." I just cant fucking stand by and watch potential flounder

due to some control freak uneducated immigrant and Christine's life was signed over to the welfare of a stranger in The Way International.

just like I already knew the dumb bitch lied to the Court saying Christine is independent yet mom doesnt eat until she has cut Christine's food, is up every morning to assist Christine with meals and beverages, and Christine just asked my mother when she's going to get up and help her get dressed. There's a lot mom cant do well anymore because of pain in her hands yet she's sole guardian until officially incapable and then Christine's life gets thrown to the dogs rather the inclusion of someone like me completely familiar with Christine's life YEAH. I wish I wish Greg Zukowski something becomes viable soon or by miracle I have the job in NY I just applied for. Really? NY pull a CA and actually recognize someone employable?

last night Christine got frustrated waiting for mom to get up and pour and bring her tea to the table with lemon poured in it so she asked me to do it since it's her daily routine. AS FAR AS THE COURT KNOWS CHRISTINE IS INDEPENDENT. mom was up by the time Christine was getting ready for bed so mom went to help her get ready for bed. AS FAR AS THE COURT KNOWS FROM MOM CHRISTINE IS INDEPENDENT SO THAT I HAVE NO NEED IN THIS GUARDIANSHIP.

certain sweet was offered to me. my mother brought it back on her trip. I said "I know who requested that." playing up the part that I'm an uninvolved waste in my family my mother says dumbfounded "who?" I say "Claire. it's her favorite especially from Ireland where they taste better." she was quick to point out she brought some back for a bunch of people. I KNOW MY FAMILY but I'm subjected to this negligent and reckless (and deadly)childish game. btw, on top of doing the usual of tending to Christine this morning mom did the usual of accompanying her to her ride this morn.

as usual Christine threw another temper tantrum. I know they can be caused by elevated liver enzymes from medications and Claire doesnt have a clue what's coming her way. mom doesnt say anything just like she didnt for me. my creditors are not only harassing me but also my mother. Christine innocently answered the phone and didnt understand. I think the tantrum started by me signaling for her to not say what she was saying. the trigger was that she did something wrong which means a bunch of things starting with mom freaking out. as I took the phone from her after she told them to hold on she started yelling and swearing which culminated to her screaming for us to shut up and finally crying. she couldnt answer what the problem was. I know this house. I know this family. I know our symptoms. I cannot accept what has been created at the Morris County Surrogate's Court. the more this is not done right the more anger will smolder and accumulate in me. to grow up under this negligence and have THIS be the result. mom pulled the same game now that she did when we were children. that if Chris didnt stop she would send her back to the place she stays when mom is away. just like growing up mom would threaten going back to the hosp or locks on the fridge if weight was not lost and it was only threats with nothing done. on the contrary I had a childhood friend who pointed out the orderly diet in her household for her incompetent sister who required a special diet. *hold me down* and as usual mom goes to help Christine get ready for bed not too long later.      

some people are just LOSERS!!!

September 4th 2013
Another reminder about the failures of my life: I walk into the kitchen and hear mom yell giving directions as she would to a child: "dont open the dishwasher. It's on." My response: "I see that" as one can clearly hear the cycle it's on. Mom needs her children around because she's caught in only knowing how to remain in this misery. She was robbed the opportunity of watching her children become adults. Me and Christine have lived the psychological warfare of this house. Claire was given a remedy. Not only was Claire unconscious for only a day; not only was she at a different brain development phase; she didnt spend nearly a year in a children's hospital yet I'm expected to be as ok as Claire while my only remedy (or lack thereof) was to remain in this house. My mother's friend Mary witnessed my mother's demeanor around me when I was in

college. She sucked in her breath at what she witnessed and then moved out of state. When I was a teen I told my mother's friend Margaret what was happening behind closed doors. No one had any idea and finally Margaret abruptly stopped me from talking about it, no one did anything for this life, and Margaret carried our secret to her grave. Eventually carbon monoxide is going to get the job done. That's the outcome when a sweet-sounding control freak is left to rear needy children purposefully keeping those children dependent instead of teaching them self-sufficiency in the end not wanting to look foolish or incompetent so a stranger gets chosen over the flesh and blood that has thrived and survived this negligent nightmare. That flesh and blood refuses to come back to where life is easier to live without some kind of justice for the neglected one - me.

HOPING YOU CAN SAVE ME GREG ZUK!!! jesus christ no one knows how bad this is. Of one of the few times in life I spend alone with my mother we enjoy a chinese buffet because I love seafood. During the end of meal we dance near the subject of Morris County and why she's obligated to stay here - of course Christine. When I show her the problems with my car and it might need major work. she says about getting myself a job. I tell go her to go fix the problem at the surrogate's court and she waves me away that I need to stop talking shit. This fucking loose cannon is not being restrained and no one is doing a damn thing about this. No one gets how bad this really is with a mother fucking actress getting away with this neglect. I think I'll go home and double my drunkenness today - ANOTHER CLEAR REASON WHY THIS NEEDS TO BE REMEDIED.

getting drunker by the minute and as I watch mom struggle with groceries up the stairs tell her to simply fix the mistake at the surrogate's court because she can hardly care for herself and i'll be home. the response was silence. thank god for four loko.

very unusual. mom doesnt mention me to her friends anymore. i used to be her pride and joy - i guess when she was blissfully incoherent to the things i would say over and over. when she got off the phone she asked about my coughing fit from sleep. i said I've been swallowing my saliva and waking up choking. that it can kill me. she didnt say anything. mom is now taking on the arduous task of going the steps downstairs where she stores paper towels. prob because of our "argument" today she's not asking me and has repeatedly refused to call anyone in here to evaluate an electric chair/lift for the stairs which the surrogate's court has been informed about. I'm not sure if i got stabbed in the back by the painter or the court came to evaluate the stair railings with their screws falling out and no recognition of me. when i woke up choking before i spit out black. Very unusual. Mom didn't bother mentioning to her cousin Mary that my first cousin's baby is due to be born on my birthday. That is definitely something that has always existed. Maybe mom is trying to let go of apron strings. She's going about it the wrong way because it is devoid of "ok I screwed up then. Let me fix it now."

September 5th 2013 
Getting comfortably drunk rather than pulling an Isabella Yun-Mi Guzman. Typical conversation:
Mom: so what happened to the job in california? It ended?
Me: no I left. I have a house to take care of. I could have stayed with advancement but oh well. That's what happens when you have no family to help.
Mom: well if you sold the house would you go back?
Me: no. You can call the surrogate's court and fix the mess you made.
Mom: let's out a sigh of me talking shit again.
Me: you don't get the breadth and depth of this. I will never be what you were hoping (occuring under her nose for years) .
Mom: looks at the tv saying nothing ignoring the conversation (alex trebec being the last image she sees before the blade swings out rupturing her corrugated artery and it's over quick). Payback for keeping me alive in this misery. Instead spending time with four loko so I can get closer to doing this some other time.
Mom: this pan is to not be left in the sink like this.
Me: well it was all GREASE. I needed to soak it...just didn't get to wash it.
 mom:(under breath) this should never be left in here.
me: well I should not be subjected to not having my childhood needs met...something you can't understand unless you've grown up in America. mom: silence. me: clanking of 2 ice cubes in glass for the final numbness/slumber Vodka. So how about those Mets? The weather?

I have to travel again tomorrow for five or six days. There's a situation to consider that I might not make it back. If I bite the dust throw a party for I have been set free! I am NOT to be autopsied or otherwise left in northern NY. Unless you've settled in to life that fills your hearts desire the place gives the creeps and there's disembodied spirits in the area ESPECIALLY women. Return me back to the NYC area if anything happens to me. I'll give you a hint : Babe Ruth.

September 6th 2013  
and the job I applied for that was available when I got back went to someone within. nerve wracked about what i'm going to find.I've been gone for a year & not supposed to b alive i'm too alone for this.

so scared and all alone and no one to share my life with.

hot water problem, leaking sink problem, battery needed for chirping smoke alarm,don't know if co alarm is working, lava lamp over ten years old turned from blue to yellowish ...i wish i didnt have this all by myself but i went from immigrant harassment by my mother to landlord harassment with the new orleans chick that i just wanted to start my life in peace and if that meant my own place that's all i thought at the time. my life wasn't supposed to fail like this. possibly a new orleans voodoo spell? i don't know . anyone who knew me then and knows me well now knows this craziness is not wut i'm about i think back to when i first got my house and i'm overcome with a wave of sadness. I knew nothing about the surrogate's court at the insistence of my mother who didn't know herself and never leaned on anyone for advice about me except in the context of me being impossible and not medically needy. Four loko taking faster effect on an empty stomach of 2 pickles and a leg of chicken with a taste of potato salad and a bit of chicken breast. Dill pickle potato chips to stay awake longer.

How ironic CBS is airing teachers with a control freak from nj. There's a difference between many things. Kept the tv on which woke me up after 4.5 hrs. Think of my psuedo-republican nephews in a different light. The younger one sounds suspicious and cautious like this mother. He's the one with the developmental disability that had all this needs met. The other one volunteered Afghanistan for 6 months. I hope he froze his goods or got someone pregnant before he left. Otherwise depending on his job is looking at having a baby with birth defects. I can't handle any of this. I think I'll get drunk again.

Listening to the heartbreak of Mt. Rushmore. FDR didn't know of some of the destruction he caused. Once he found out committed himself to park preservation. When first going there white men were greeted by curious bears. We spoofed them.

Recently heard of an NDE in which a woman witnessed those spirits in hell milling around self-absorbed stuck in eternal repetition about what happened to them. I must be a living hell-dweller because that's already what I do.

September 7th 2013   
I remember this story from tv as being the sister victimized last and is what made Karla crack. Reminds me of my sister and brother in law

i was going to get up before but laying here is an exhaustion symptom that started in 1991. Mom didn't do anything. What was Claire going to do? When I would be home on breaks I would spend my days doing brain exercises and my mother would yell at me as to why I wasn't out working on break like all other college students. That comparison was WRONG. can't accept how this all turned out especially by the influence of two people who were uninvolved in our lives. I think I'll get drunk again or maybe just lay here. Family could always get involved but they don't and some won't. Spiraling down down down...

getting drunk won out as i'm left here to be all alone and just think. I need to call mom and see if she went for her knee appt yet. Her functioning is visibly worse. If the surrogate's court doesn't fix this...nm

mom didn't answer the phone. don't know if she's genuinely not home or playing the part of letting go of apron strings.


flashback: after living with that new orleans chick who probably went to the wedding of john kaplan and catherine fallon, something came over me in the summer of 1996 when i couldn't stop crying all day in my apartment. i decided to ask mom about the time in high school when i was out of control about not going to the shore after the prom like everyone else.

during this rage is the only time she said she loved me. Instead of communicating back to me she simply said "isn't it time for you to come home? " her tone to me was not one of adequate guidance but just saying or repeating what someone else would say. Someone needs to fix this. Other bizarre things that happened to me at this time was visions of an indian doctor saying to my father emphatically "but the brain" and my father shaking his head no. Local news station can't seem to have a female as a co-anchor. Could hire me but seem to insist on keeping their boys. This is the area I met my one and only that nothing else mattered but seeing all boys and no females on the newscast has me reeling.

i woke up this morning :(

someone's going to die if this doesn't get fixed. there's no way I'm accepting strangers robbing my life of the family i was always going to return to after following directions from a loose cannon immigrant.

woken up by house noises over an hour ago. getting drunk again. this is not healthy for me. Sure I'm independent but despondent in a situation like this. had no witnesses around when fumes entered my home 9/14/01. that was just after my mother got christine involved in DDD.

September 8th 2013    

September 9th 2013   
then take me under your wing! this abuse by my guardian has me over the top.

I take that back. Unless stated or pursued otherwise, once turned 18 you no longer have a guardian. no one stated or pursued otherwise for me. i was 17 when taken for a second opinion to get into college. when recommended coll didn't take me in, my then guardian got away with not protecting me and had plenty of years to DO something solid for me.bottom line is incompetency...nm i just keep repeating myself.

fuck my early and responsible plans for the day i need sleep. so this moron given guardianship of me says last night to get ddd up here to help. as she's been sleepwalking my existence i've been involved with these people for eighteen years and they're NOT going to help me. i was too blown away to go into detail at the time. they used to help me but due to budget cuts they won't be now.some time in the past three years i looked into them. it ALL falls on HER. in one breathe she says she can barely take care of herself and in the next she can take care of christine just fine without me. bottom line is that this biach (better?) has and is the loving harasser of my life post injury.

without a fucking job my hands are fucking tied to do anything and not having a job is making my unproductive existence a fucking warpath.

How about giving me a fucking job to untie my fucking hands. I'm NOT fucking cutthroat so you have nothing to worry about. I'm losing my mind. 1sheep 2sheep 3sheep...

Yeah I fucking miss california too. No deserts here to go die in like there. No fracking fluid to go drink and die from here like there.

Me: as i answered the phone i notice a dent in the beam that wasnt there before.
Mom: well you went and bought that house...
Me: i was being harassed by a landlord here and harassed by you...
Mom: you werent being harassed by me...
Mom: call some organization up there to help you.
Me: as I've already told you I haven't washed dishes or not lived out of boxes since strangers moved me in need to get on FB where I've posted all this.
Mom: I'm not getting on one is going to go up there...
FUCKING INSANITY AND ABUSE OF ME!!! She says everyone is busy with their own lives and I tell her she needs to explain the dire need. When I was 17 she took me to a NYC doctor to prove I could go to college after morris county recommended I not go. She says she didn't and I ask her if she remembers her. She says she does but that wasn't for me to go to college.STUPID! PAY THE FUCK ATTENTION!!!

I FUCKING LOSE IT THAT THIS LOOSE CANNON IS DENYING EVERYTHING. I suggest to her we all go to counseling where christine's medical plane is STILL waiting to be acted upon. This loose cannon control freak took on more than she could handle and I told her my sleeping medication better still be there when I get back. She KNOWS I work so fix the surrogate's mistake first so I know I have a reason to stay there and help her do the things she CANNOT do in a timely manner.

Just left 2 voicemails with a guy who has done regular work on my house. Since I have no protection out here in the world that's all I can do. He's a genuinely good guy and i'd be shocked if he came and took away the work he did. Is he being set up? By the guy who put a metal roof on my house upside down? And I've been waiting for that court date. My sump pump was unplugged when I got here and neither people who check my house unplugged it. My workman is such a good guy who's been crapped on by one of the businesses around here.

letting go of life but i started doing that a year ago and unfortunately I'm still here. my family and the courts don't know what they've done to me as my vulnerabilities destroy my ability to function out here all alone and socially isolated.

A lot of that is the exact same of my mother who should not be left alone as she is. A lot of this is learned by my mother but each situation unique. Dealing with waves of sadness. My work guy is a good guy. WHAT is going on????

Live and learn my family and DO something about what your sister,niece, daughter, cousin, and in-law got herself into. Many more links to come. These are also for my friends who have personally known me since high school and before:
Impaired decision making - NeuroTalk Support Groups ...
and so much more information proving Rich and Claire dead wrong. my mother has more of an idea coz she lives with us but mom doesnt know what questions to ask to whom and she is too overwhelmed. DO something my family or possibly my close friends can save me. i was raised by an incompetent guardian who caused a court order to be given to one of her dependents while simultaneously being given total guardianship of me and christine. SOMEONE FIX THIS PAST MISTAKE SO I CAN SALVAGE WHAT LIFE I HAVE LEFT. Unfortunately I didn't die so someone is stuck with fixing this mess. I cannot be expected more than i'm capable of. I'm not lieing. I don't lie well just like Bernadette on The Big Bang Theory.

I stayed at a truck stop in rapid city. Used bathroom sink water for teeth brushing. Ate a meal at the restaurant there.

Went to the wild life drive thru there. Will that end my misery?
America’s Chernobyl: Radioactive Dust Near Mt. Rushmore & Black Hills
Read Story - Watch Video ===>
of course got my morning coffee there and think i picked up a rash there.

I REALLY need family help/protection. Things have been done to my house while I've been gone and I have no protection or help from anyone here. I can't even depend on the corrupt police here. I need physical help here. I need someone to look out for me or I need to be dead.

as i commented in my mt Rushmore forward i came away from rapid city with a rash in my groin and underarm area that hasn't gone away. The sooner death gets here the better at this rate where family is acting deaf blind and dumb. I'll go to a doctor when mom goes to the surrogate's court and officially includes me in christine's welfare. For sure.

September 10th 2013
Right on my nose I can feel something is poignant somewhere about me. Can't say I didn't say it.

and along my eyebrow too. those are the disembodied spirits I'm talking about. i'm innocent.

September 13th 2013
Comfortably numb earlier than expected. Can't handle this. Been trying to get intervention all week and the lack of response is making me paranoid that the interveners are or have been involved in the judge's decision.

God that really sucks that it's seeming the person who violated me with the house stuff is adding up to be someone I trusted even when it was mutually agreed upon we had to go our separate ways because our ways of dealing with our injuries was causing a problem. Afterwards I never spoke down about them and wished them well - even set up for them to be connected with like-minded people for networking. 

Life review memory. I was only a year old when this was taken yet I remembered it as me the one crying. It's not me who couldn't reach. It's one of the "flashes" before coma I "remember" of my life.

 Mom's an accident waiting to happen again. Talks to the only other guardian not mentioning a word of her latest medical woes which encompasses possible unnecessary surgery, current medical worries which might conflict with said surgery, the need to be like everybody else who don't have other injuries thirty five years old, and the welfare of her and Christine during and after said surgery. NOT A WORD. how about them Mets? The weather?

oh donna that's not my real bday i went to college with the best computer geeks around. i know way too much than to put my real info out there. i also admit i'm somewhat paranoid. i didnt bother uploading the pic yet of Someone's bday - claire, stephanie, you, and michelle with bday hats on. thanks for the belated wish but my real bday is in the vicinity of 2 months in the future. my mom says she thinks michelle is in Georgia. i saw michelle when it used to still be the grand union and she had her baby in the shopping cart and said she was happily divorced.

i have to get to a computer about the pic i'm talking about or else it's gone forever on my flip phone. are you guys in that one bday pic with claire at the head of the table? the other pic is an actual memory i had upon waking from a coma and i was only a year old so it's my evidence i had a life review and was resuscitated in our accident. i stopped talking to claire when she refused to take me in when i was being evicted from a nursing home. if you read my other posts on here you'll see that claire is being painted a pretty picture but not reality of this household. i would love to have the same relationship you have with michelle but not without honesty. i should never have gone upstate. i was just following claire's footsteps of getting out of this house but the difference is claire had a court order and all i have is a death wish. glad to hear of your belief in astro signs! it shows you didn't follow in the footsteps of The Way International. i think you'll recognize the cowgirl.

September 15th 2013
Christine is on a short fuse these days. Very negative and it comes from mom. When I brought home a brand new life with golden hair, a yipping bark, triangular ears, and a sagging potbelly coz stomach muscles hadn't formed yet there was a lot of so needed laughter in this house and Christine went from being zombie-like to interactive. Even after fourteen years later after Cookie had to be put down Christine readily laughed at certain things. That is not the case anymore . She'll get irritated by little things. Cheers!

I don't know about now coz it's cover-up time but for years claire professed how bad mom's negativity is.all of that doesn't matter now? the goodness my dog did for Christine wouldn't have been possible without my exboyfriend who was particularly good with children and making people laugh. Males are naturally more easygoing like that but some rise above others.

wonder what kind of impression i made on the cleaning lady being that it's mom's hairdresser for years. mom talked to a friend she made at work years ago who had been laid off i think and that friend didn't even know mom had a bad leg from an accident. it could

The other day mom says "I don't know what your intentions are but in the winter your car can't be in the driveway because the plow guy comes. surrogate's court and her lawyer cut me out of a guardianship under false information that I'm uninvolved in this house for many years.until somebody fixes this lie that exists I have to cut expenses which means plain vodka with juice

atty straub from budd lake area with norrie and associates which i think is out of montclair originally is the gullible fool who fell for my mother and oldest sister. claire's thinking from her religious perspective is that lying is not best but she'll point out a verse in the bible where a man of god had to lie to carry out god's mission. oops! didn't realize plain vodka has 3x the amount of etoh as flavored. The other cool is court-appointed Cristina Mirda from Mirda and Accardi. I had a female lawyer tell me she knows Cristina Mirda to be a good atty and very knowledgeable about brain injuries as she declined to take my case. Cheers! (10-31-15 Cristina Mirda denied to me she knew about brain injuries. It sounds to me Cristina you should have declined to take this case just on ethics alone (maybe "ethics" isn't the exact word I'm looking for)).

September 16th 2013
WHACK! Mom just can't connect the dots. GULP she was driving the car when a head-on mac truck rendezvous raped my life. I was brought up in private school with no extra help which totally short changed the potential I had left. We already know of the special needs of my nephew that my sister had to do all by herself because her son was too smart for slow classes.

Ditzy sister never shared this information with my caretaker. Ditzy sis is not connecting the dots of my lack of a caretaker. My caretaker just took a condescending attitude with me that her grandson has "A JOB." how ironic his job is teacher's assistant in a private school for special needs. I tell mom he was special needs and she doesn't believe me. IS ANYBODY AWAKE????? DUE TO MY CARETAKER'S NEGLIGENCE I AM NOT READY FOR CERTAIN ASPECTS OF LIFE AND I AM NOT LIABLE WHEN I TURN DANGEROUS SO SOMEONE BETTER FIX THIS MORON IN THE WAY INTERNATIONAL. someone has got to catch wind of this and fix this. Cheers!

mom just asked what date it is. i just lost everything...we just had a blowout. How dare this NEGLIGENCE get away with this. Christine doesn't understand what this is all about. Someone kill this hitch who kept is in this misery.

i do love my mom but this overwhelming stupidity done by her, the courts, the lawyers, oldest sis, etc is looking dangerous if someone doesn't fix this child left behind at the surrogate's court. The woman is being's beyond me to comment on.

September 19th 2013
A lot going on and Unless claire dialed this # by accident didn't say anything about the silence when I answered the phone which would be nothing different about her hypocritical attitude toward raising a child with special needs and staying silent about her sister she realized never had those needs met including the simple acts of cooking and seeing which mom wouldn't allow me to continue when released from hospital and raised in catholic school which doesn't have home-ec classes.

now that I'm comfortably numb i can disengage. Mom had an aerial rug delivered today and when I said it would look better a different way she said "oh no that's how everyone is doing it these days." Thus the innapropriate medical attitude I've been raised in. One small example of the entire history.

Almost didn't get out of bed today. Too late it hits me that my nephew's special needs caretaker knowingly and maliciously chooses to ignore the very important fact that my special needs caretaker not only had no way of providing for my special needs AND knowingly and maliciously kept me out of public school for extra help stating "people like that amount to nothing - paraphrase. It was too late by the time I got a diagnosis in public school - my confidence had already been shot down by bullying. Someone explained to me yesterday the things that weren't available years ago which is well and good but I was knowingly kept out of public school and even today when mom speaks of my nephew's job she condescendingly refers to them as "people with problems." I have a feeling someone said back to her I'm someone with a problem and she just let it toll off her back. There's no accepting this negligence of me who went from being a vulnerable and untended to child (in some important ways) to becoming a vulnerable adult "ousted" mainly because of some robo-dick brother-in-law who consciously has minimal acquaintence with this family mainly due to beliefs in The Way International. In light of what someone said to me yesterday about some things being in the past the answer is how to remedy the discriminatory loose cannon in the present - add me formally to the care of my sister so as to not make the same mistake of flying under the radar making another's life a trauma wreck. Her cousin suggested to her before about her and Christine staying home in the day at this stage. Mom was very definite that they're not ones for that and in light of all that's happened was a condescending insinuation that I am.

Again, aloofness to the serious responsibility she was given upon the custody of a child released from a hospital at such a young ave having had a sister work in the school system for years in America who once stated it was no fair to do that to me but I have never known to get involved in this situation. *young age*... that's where if these sibling immigrants can't look after proper care of a vulnerable offspring in this country they need to go back to where they came from and stay within what they know. Mom's movements have slowed so much that she needs help with what she's doing today but is not asking. Someone as slowed as her should not be caring for Christine alone - a statement way overdue - but I am lifting a minimal finger without things being on the radar screen.

the past created the present train wreck. there's a remedy for that at the surrogate's court. they know what they're getting away with. that's part of why judge wilson put in for early retirement which gov. christie denied her. til the next hug! me and mom go for some intervention tomorrow. this situation swings the gates of hell wide open. thank you for helping me stay grounded.

truly truly truly!! i left with the old warm feeling of being home again dont know about the hang in part. it seems to hit me more and more the incompetence i was raised by (which is doable) but in the end to not have our lives come full circle in honesty is absolutely unacceptable. just saying that makes me want to reach for alcohol to calm but i have to drive myself someplace today.

October 7th 2013      
So Claire would never buy microwavable vegetables. Does she even know the condition of mom's hands not cut out for other cooking methods anymore? Either probably not, has turned a blind eye or something's not right with me in that this house has become too much a part of my existence.

October 8th 2013   
Things are not looking good. I need a reason to stay in this abuse. Not spend six months proving I can work, workout at the gym, basically be stable just so I can be part of this guardianship. I've lost enough of my life. I understand the demands of a court but I've already proved enough while being subjected to way more than any human ... ugh

ironic i'm watching concussion with the nfl. i don't have a concussion/coma claim against many. told mom she needs to take care of or cancel her plans for next week or i'll be gone. permenantly gone. will it work this time?

stopped watching this pbs special early due to my own medical needs

don't know why I'm awake at 3am.wouldn't surprise me why i an. want to leave this place which would be sat. or Sunday mom displayed her unwillingness to call a lawyer or surrogate's court to even find out about temporary guardianship I just heard Christine sneeze at 3:35 am and remembered back to when she used to get up at 2 or 3 am and stay up. My mother would get calls from the school that she was falling asleep in class and do nothing. Sleep disturbances are part of brain injury. Like I said with my sleep disturbances, she would freak out, say it's my guilty conscience, and do nothing. I guess I wasn't forceful enough in my pro se performance at the surrogate's court. Fuck it. Vodka has me numb. Just waiting to fall asleep in the short term. If you only knew the homicidal thoughts I have about christopher luongo, judge deanne m. wilson, steven j. straub esq., and Cristina mirda esq.

October 9th 2013    
Holy airhead batman! The things I heard about Claire today. Of course mom is no better. And just to think i'm the only one amongst all us brain injured who insisted on a diagnosis which the surrogate's court turned around and used against me.

Happens once shame on them. Happens twice shame on me!

depressed. awoke at 2:30 am and still awake 2.5 hrs later. out of Vodka to put me back to sleep. my airheaded and undiagnosed sister - finally I nailed it today that her clueless head in the clouds is uninformed about a lot of 1/2 baked shell realities mom is living in and i'm the one caught in the crossfire. i knew she was painting a pretty pic for Claire but actually ...screw it - four loko is starting to work.

October 13th 2013
I'm going to get double drunk today. Mom must be loaded (as in drunk is not ruled out as a possibility). She's contemplating spending an astronomical amount of $$ for Christine's care rather than petition the surrogate's court to add me as medical guardian. This care is only temporary. She's paranoid i'm after money. She denies that but she's not coherent (or even knowledgeable) to realize that's one of the arguments her lawyer made against me in court. Mom didn't even tell the nonmedical caregivers about the anti-seizure mess whose doses CANNOT missed. Mark my words - my disaster was allowed to happen. Airhead doesn't have a clue. Instead of reaching out for needed help mom's "nerves" are responsible for SO MUCH.

*numb* no ones helping clear this situation *numb*

when shit hits the ceiling morons turn to lying like saying Claire was never court ordered out of this house. ha! you cant erase history. sometimes corrupt people try.

on my 2nd round. cheers!

October 15th 2013    
Earlier I caught a flash out of my eye as I was sitting finishing dinner at the kitchen table. These people have to understand the damage they've done. I might as well be Jason or Carrie. The flash came from where one of the local psychos lives. Her and the psycho next door claimed years ago me and my friend were peeping toms by snapping a picture of us while we turned around to them calling my name while playing on my deck. They're court case dismissed but it did reveal my dad built our deck w/o a permit. We needed to mourn in peace but instead had cruel neighbors, some of which Claire befriended. There will be no peace until there is justice. The psycho where the flash came from said we were "looking at her in her birthday suit." *gag * this is psycho is probably a shriveled prune naked. I've only ever thought of her as trashy meanwhile her sister is the mother of a boy that was a grade behind me. To make matters worse I was loved by a guy who thought/treated me like I had no life and is all the more reason i'm a train reck today. Being covered by no-fault for life means being stalked for life.

sometimes paranoia and depression is overwhelming. sometimes it's not paranoia at all but bonafide intuition of dirty deeds you cant prove - you just know they're happening.

Nice guardian! Mom's going in for surgery and has to do it alone. As far as I know Claire never offered to go with her even over Ten years ago when mom had to do it alone. Yeah I'm sure it's because of airhead's religious belief that bad spirits are hanging around where ever medical conditions are as per The Way International which broke up unless airhead is in a court of law where God allows lying if it's for good purposes.  

October 17th 2013     
Unexpectedly depressed. Intervention by someone non-brain injury specific bad idea. They're familiar with me for years but none of it with working knowledge of brain injury. For example, there's a difference btwn being stubborn and the brain damage deficits of inadequate perception and decision making. Not only that but the cultural difference she comes from: oblivion to the developmental psychological needs and understanding of a child as well as the ability to be cold. In other words collateral damage. Oh at this age it's not even worth going into? 2nd around. Cheers

round 3. Another example is that there's no Big psychological thing about the people closest to me were created long ago in a cruel environment after changing my original post-injury environment. The more my environment changed, the more problems I had with social skills having never had proper conmunity integration. Then add on all the legal things never taken care of. Cheers

round 4. saying maybe mom is dragging her feet because I'm giving ultimatums has nothing to do with a history of medical neglect and recklessness. i understand defence mechanisms but untreated seizures had immediate danger surrounding incompetent guardian if she hears the doctor say "maybe it was a seizure, witness no seizure meds administered, and then fails to take to a different doctor because the same seizure med she's on now is the same available during those years.

this intervener comes up with some good ideas but to not see how mom never has dealt with all of this helps the running in circles scenario. with this intervener i got in the habit of making the majority of my daily intake fresh fruits and vegetables but i put on weight. staying away from a thyroid blood test has to do with staying away from non-invasive procedures. not only had i been forced on psychotropic drugs which could have destroyed my thyroid but the post-surgery meds I was forced on was percocet rather than what my surgeons prescribed which was vicodin. The doctor at the rehab refused vicodin saying percoset is the exact same thing. Mom then recklessly helped the eviction go forward by saying she'd take me in...comfortably numb.

October 19th, 2013         
The air blew me out of the bldg. Why would I even contemplate saying hello to a liar who just sat there hearing another one of mom's lies. Like I said a long time ago I'll have something to say to airy Clairey when she gets a clue. Prove me wrong.

today's lie was a 3rd party witnessing the earth shattering lie mom made out in court as to why getting Christine help for modern medical help was all a fabrication. she doesn't know the other cat out of the bag about christine's eyesight.

not sure if the adrenaline from lies is keeping me awake or the alcohol took extra time in getting me to sleep or exhaustion from all.

round 3 complete. mom can call me if she needs me today. i just can't handle the lies of these incompetent guardians and mom better fix this or the next time she needs surgery she wont the help around the house she needs. claire's head is too caught up in the clouds by an orgasm from robodick.

October 20th 2013
Round 1 and the Big Bang theory

Round 2 complete

woke up depressed from reality and being idle. woke up every 2 hours last night. during one of those sleeps had dream was milling around what was probably a college campus with lots of other people. minding my own business and noticed 2 african american guys in this predominently white campus were milling around me too much. my internal alarm went off and I started screaming help which went unnoticed except for the 2 guys who started to mug me. One of them reached into my purse pulling out a gun and shot me in the neck and my screams changed to "911,911,911..." i woke up being vocal. he shot me in the neck where the thyroid gland is located, thus blew out my thyroid, and the gun in my purse was the exact handgun used in the end by the boyfriend in a movie i've seen "Stalked at 17."...yup.

October 22nd 2013
Round 3 of salad...round 2 of alcohol...round 1 of The Big Bang Theory. What a life. Round 1 of alcohol happened out of sheer restlessness. Mom's been told many times to fix the mess at the surrogate's court and I'll stay here and get a job. I never have a problem getting a job here. Only NYS. It doesn't help that I spoke out against them specifically at a hearing held by the national council of disability. It also doesn't help I was unaware I had fallen into the political switchboard btwn the united states and canada having no idea I was a bill in a china shop. Just like mom regrets having the surgery I told her she shouldn't have, she's going to regret it if she doesn't fix this. She has a hard time caring for herself let alone Christine. Airhead doesn't have a clue. My california boss is someone I can count on but I assume she hasn't figured things out yet w/ the NY company yet or I can work for her from here w/technology. *bored* etc... cheers

saw earlier the speech one month b4 he died of jfk talking about how we're all doomed with the manipulation of natural resources. his precursor to his suicidal speech on secret societies. i guess that's what i did. if dying at home didn't work i still have enough to drive back out to the desert. mom says she can get inhome help anyway. no one needs me. I'm free to die.

October 23rd 2013 
Today I was told I act like the age when my original environment post-injury changed. Although stung by the presentation I can't say I disagree. That's what happens when you leave a developmental delay/disability unchecked. I was a wise child w/ a high level of emotional intelligence but certain key things are consistent with my declaration i'm not ready to be the age I am. I'll let the misinformation about public schools not having remedial classes slide because it's merely misinformation.

round 2 complete. i think it's unfamiliar noises in this house waking me over 2 hours ago. i have a house i can go die in but that limits my time of death due to the back tax situation. plus I'm not so comfortable spending eternity with other disembodied spirits in the area. except for one soul only.

I'm in my 2nd round. i was extremely tempted before to call Claire and tell her to stop allowing this rediculous amount of money to be spent on Christine when i can care for her just fine. all she has to do is have a consent form/order signed by her,my mother, and the judge. i stopped myself because i'm waiting on other things. today i witnessed a medical professional tell my mother the same thing i did - that just because surgery was ok for others she knows that she can't compare because everyone is different pointing out age, weight, etc. (i kept my mouth shut about medical history circumstance since 1978). in the history I've lived out in the world it is obvious i cant do it on my own successfully. that has to do with things gained during developmental years. this structure in mom's house works for me but recuperating here with mom's nerves and high stress is not conducive and Claire knows that. perhaps she forgets how stressful living here is. i guess i need to meet with you to show you how structureless my life out in the world is and Claire has witnessed none of it yet hid behind her husband's orders that if i was involved in christine's care she couldn't be. that bittersweet photo of us four sisters has NOTHING to do with richard mould and The Way International. united we stand applies here. we work as a disabled team without Claire and she not only has no involvement in our everyday lives but doesnt know a lot going on. i appreciate your input... it's priceless. You were there before and after our disabled lives. I haven't uploaded yet the holloween pic of Claire and Michelle. There's a lot more I can't get down on mobile but your input is cherished. I never knew about your father and not sure when it happened but it's very different to happen during developmental years or later on but thanks for the insight. Before my creditors cut off this message again by calling me I'll hit the "update" button

ok i'm outside of creditor hours and the usual of not sleeping. as far as recuperating from surgery in a low stress environment, that is the clue i thought Claire would know by now - the SERIOUSNESS of being evicted from a nursing home which i was in 2005. and Claire is sole guardian over christine? Claire refused to watch Christine again after her sons had to witness Christine in frustration. and Claire is the sole other guardian? as far as the constant comparison my mother does i understand it's because of her lack of education but not only is that unacceptable in the raising of a child in america with medical needs but it crashed the train of my life with my medical needs unique to Christine. OKAY that's the past. based on recklessness we know of the past there's no reason for someone as competent as me to NOT be christine's

medical guardian. focusing on my own life is exactly what my mother is so pissed off about in me not coming back home. then she turns around and uses it against me that the surrogate's court fell for hook, line, and sinker. til there's more to say... my mother gave a story of how Christine can't miss her workshop she's going to yet she's missing it now everyday and doing just fine. She's missing 2 tv shows she sees every night and doing just fine. There's a whole resume of a bungled guardianship regarding children raised by a loose cannon immigrant and an eldest daughter who doesn't have a fucking clue.

round 4 because three hours of sleep is not enough when i'm going to visit mom today for my real bday. this time last year i was asleep in a truck stop near Tracy California in preparation for my participation in the 1 year anniversary of the Oakland california pepper spraying incident. i was prepared to die in November from running out of resources but on this day last year learned about Strike Debt from a fellow occupier also visiting the oakland 1 year. from there i stayed a couple different places in Monterey Bay for the next few months. then i took a friend's suggestion to go to Sacramento which did not work out but i was stuck. Changed my location again for a few months and had my final road trip date set when the clear blue sky rained a job on me by someone I know has spirit working for them. It helped me stay afloat for awhile but knowingly wasn't going to save me leapt on the opportunity to die at home. Didn't work

October 24th 2013
Got up so I can get numb and go back to sleep. I don't want to be alive w/o personal help for my life.

November 9th 2013 I heard this woman say she had been comatose.

I'm fucking pissed off this is seen by others as mental health. It's a brain injury rehabilitation issue. Atleast from my point of view where the injury is developmental and surrounded by cold and cruel family. I was denied cleaning help by the county because I have a cluttered mess and not a sticky mess. It's an old house that I aquired with old cast-iron plumbing that hadn't been replaced by the time the cops let themselves in and saw urine in my toilet which was the deciding factor in assaulting me and forcibly drugging me. I know what this woman's problem is that she is not dirt poor enough to get state cleaning services thru medicaid. Been there. Done that. That is why I choose death rather than the "can't win can't lose" mentality put aside for those with brain injuries and disabilities. How about a f*cking change?   

now that mom has done her homework it was all a completely unnecessary thing to happen. she could have protected my life and property from going out into the world but she was too caught up in the american immigrant's dream for a better life rather than her plans took a detour and she must face or prepare for reality.

Hmmm brokaw doesn't believe in the secret societies suicide speech as per letterman this evening. Hmmmmmm

i also wonder constantly about the crookedness along the straight line from potsdam ny to ottawa on canada

then again someone can save my life from the hole it's fallen into and i don't think and say this stuff that i am uninformed about. stress. Vodka.

! great now bush invaded my dream. the more i spoke the quieter he got which was a bad sign but i kept right on talking like a child that doesn't know better andthe more he silently kept looking at me with a baffled look.

November 11th 2013    
Today mom told me she was Watching this same time and other people watching with her were laughing. Although my situation is nowhere as bad as this dramatization why would she tell me that? To pledge her unsupport of her injured child? To gauge her fitting in to american life? To impose a hopeful change on me? Welcome to a cyclone life of utter confusion or inappropriate post-injury life.

and the c*nt still is more concerned about being a power freak rather than resolution for flesh and blood.

and the c*nt still denies her son-in-law played a role. 

after i have proven myself right with 2 medical professionals and lots of other people the c*nt still is acting like the reckless power freak that did this life in to begin with.

damn the day carbon monoxide didn't get the job done. damn the desire to not die painfully. SO wishing i had insight as to how we knew each other in a past life for this situation to turn out the way it did. old-school cold irish fish. i know what happened as soon as we got off the phone. she called a friend as always has and says hello with a cheery tone and engages in conversation that ignores me and the subject matter completely. THAT'S how everything got this way.

it's one of those brain injured directionless moments that holds back from trashing the house and holds back from jumping in the car and holds back from any other remedy not knowing which remedy will suffice.

curse this fucking inadequate power freak guardian put in charge of my life.

i was originally going to fuck the day from not being in the mood for the idle life i lead due to stupidity. it's turned into much more. i dont deserve the reckless guardian I've been given. i dont deserve the power freak c*nt that gave me birth. oh stephanie and dad, why did you leave me here all alone with this recklessness? staying here was not in my best interests. i finished my four loko. now i need Vodka. then i need to decide where i'm taking off out of here.

finally the memory of what would happen. getting on the phone with people and striking a conversation instead of paying attention or getting help on what to do about her youngest injured telling no one what was happening or getting support from some that I'm just a problem or I'm just going through a phase I'll grow out of. Claire was never around to witness any of this and then turns around and says she did her best. I need to decide what my next move is. I'm not going to survive. I'm not backing down from my refusal to do welfare or bankruptcy because this is not my fault and this incompetence stays in her lying denial. She doesn't need to be told yet again I need a reason to get a job here to stay here. That's another way all fell apart. Keeping repeating myself and not being taken seriously...nothing changed out in the world and my long term relationship was the flame to the frying pan ... funny how i picked up that phrase from him.

trying to figure out my next move. where to go and what to do.

mom has already answered the question to a 3rd party if she feels guilty about driving a car that led to the death of one child and other catastrophe and my knowledge was confirmed - she doesn't "because she doesn't know what happened." as I've said before that is an American (or other) mentality that does not fit this situation. the 3rd party believes her and thinks she has a broken heart. her heart is going to continue to break if she doesn't fix this.

mom also told the 3rd party she laughs at people about "this stress" yet that's exactly the claim made in court by her,Claire, and their lawyer about me. at least i have a witness i guess. i took the advice b4 from a post about talking to your spirit guides and guardian angels. after looking into the exercise a memory came back about when i used to talk to Claire about the unsurety of my schooling and my major. i said to her how dad was that smart and she corrected me. i was still in the phase of "well there are geniuses in the world who had siblings and parents that were not" but in either case Claire was exposed to saving this life long ago while raising a child with special needs very similar to mine.

this is the usual. mom calls me 3 times today to know about if she needs to call the landscaper. i made it clear as usual yesterday to include me formally in the welfare of my sister and she can rely on me. i'm ignored as usual. i can ignore her phone calls until she fixes the lies and mess she made at the surrogate's court since i learned what was wrong with me in 1995 i've known this but this is why i need all spirit guides and guardian angels need to leave me so i can die in peace - they love unconditionally and don't necessarily compensate for impaired decision making and i didn't have a father around for that, once the mystery was unveiled at age 25 I was incapacitated at the time to take care of this aspect of my life and my mother (my sole guardian) was dead air when I would tell her to do something. This is also the time Claire could have saved this life. The counselor who unveiled the truth lived with brain-injured veterans at the university so when witnessing or hearing about my symptoms they were no Big deal. Vodka going well. in other words I need an exception to the statute of limitations and competency to take care of this which is not likely. Spirit of life let me go. I'm carrying way too much without the proper help I need to stay within the environmental life I know and be healthy which is a brain injury need.

mom's still calling. i need death coz no one is taking care of this and i have nothing left.

after spending another day in bed it's time to prepare my drink and watch Ellen. the alternative is someone saving this life coz i cant - a job and medical guardianship mom just had airhead drop by because she was "worried" Airhead said she told mom that she's free to have me involved but she needs to pull out of the guardianship. mom never told me Claire's response - powerfreak. claire still talks in her biblically taught "sweet" voice. she denied what the lawyers all know and shared that her husband said she couldnt be

involved in the guardianship if i was. she was going to use the bathroom and but instead didnt. robodick and friends never came to pick up the furniture because i'm here. it will be interesting to see if mom calls the cops in getting me out of here. robodick cant hide his lying eyes while i'm here.

November 13,2013      
About to pass out.

fell asleep w the tv on and had dream insynch with the infomercials. my dream was an infomercial to sponsor a little girl in helping her. she had long brown light hair and her mother talked about what she needed but couldn't provide. i should have not chickened out of the desert. now what?

contemplating pills. i just can't have this be how life turns out. even if it meant traveling here on weekends to help out while working elsewhere ...

texted Claire telling her to take herself off the guardianship then. that blood is thicker than water and obviously she chooses water

mom just had airhead drop by because she was "worried" Airhead said she told mom that she's free to have me involved but she needs to pull out of the guardianship. mom never told me Claire's response -powerfreak. claire still talks in her biblically taught "sweet" voice. she denied what the lawyers all know and shared that her husband said she couldnt be involved in the guardianship if i was. she was going to use the bathroom and but instead didnt. robodick and friends never came to pick up the furniture because i'm here. it will be interesting to see if mom calls the cops in getting me out of here. robodick cant hide his lying eyes while i'm here.

today i was particularly anxious but held back from posting. that's how i would say spirit works in my case. spirit is trying to tell you something when you feel like you cant sit still.

ok so now that i know what the deal was i might be going to jail soon. mom clings onto me for years and then in the end chooses something anti-her. yeah right.

Claire said that because of the interaction between me and my mother she cant be involved. i informed her about the recent revelation about mom's harassment to my brain injury which she wasnt around to witness. that is discrimination to my brain injury. without intervention I'm left for death. i finished my 4loko. now onto vodka. trying to prepare myself for jail soon by an uneducated incompetent immigrant.

i will not have this. trying to kill myself with vodka. it's not going to work. why would Claire deny what was common knowledge a couple years ago that her husband said she couldn't be involved if i was? oh so she would be ok with me in and her out? this is too much to handle! she doesn't make any sense all I ever planned on is returning home under honest conditions but it's been shattered by some robodick from georgia? And a powerfreak immigrant? And an airhead who avoids arguments at all costs? she doesn't know the lawyers don't lie for her and it's common knowledge she hid behind her husband?

why don't i just give out this address so her house can be robbed and ransacked? that's what she did to me but i'm supposed to have protections as a vulnerable adult. Maybe it's not so bad to not die at home.

November 14th 2013                  
Getting drunk. I just can't handle some stranger (brother-in-law) not even in this picture can't handle no protector can't handle

Called mom and said what to do. If Claire has to pull out if I'm in then do so.

Somebody help me!

I can't just sit still. I remember mom yelling at me that I was ruining my life and I told her she already ruined it.

My god-mother just called here 2ce. So fucking ironic I couldn't get protection from my godparent when I finally told the truth of what was happening. Her only response was she couldn't get involved because she couldn't imagine losing a child and she thought we got nothing less than a million dollars for our injuries. Keep in mind what mom has said to a 3rd party.

She did tell me that my godfather was shocked that when they visited our house some years after.our accident mom still had stephanie's room exactly the same and pictures all over. I can't handle not having a protector AND having a stranger have the say in christine's life. In the past year mom stopped referring to each of our individual bedrooms. I can't have this.

Nice to hear from you greg zukowski! Even to be momentarily pulled out of my despair. If only I could get back the time with you guys. I was going after runaway goals, etc. Brain damaged social skills was my biggest killer once I was out in the world all alone and the only thing Claire would do is recite the bible verse that man was not made to be alone. So no one took care of my medical needs and then in the end her husband uses the brain damaged interaction between me and my mother to further rape my life. I need to go buy more alcohol.

More alcohol bought. I'm good atleast for another week. Less depending on circumstance. So can't anyone save this life? I was left with an incompetent guardian and catholic school followed by a botched legal proceeding.

Mom called before doing the usual life-goes-on-as-usual routine asking me if i'm coming to lunch and to let her know. Called her back saying "the only thing you need to know is if Claire can't be involved in this guardianship if I am then you take her off and put me on. If that's how Claire has to have it then that's all you need to know. That's all you need to do." Click.

November 15th 2013
called mom to see what her choice is and she is very clear she is ignoring me. she is in adamant denial her son-in-law has anything to do with it and won't respond to Claire's verification of it. when addressing the issue of how reliable I've been she will agree but she keeps running in a circle that i need to get a job having been told over and over i'm not looking for a job here where getting a job is not a problem unless i have a reason to stay here. she still has blinders on as always. she's been reminded of the dead air she's been in 1996-1997 about doing something legally for us. statute of limitations have long since passed. i had 2 years from the time of kmowledge in 1995. only when I'm dead is she going to regret. i gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she doesn't understand the legal process that because i acted as my own lawyer the other lawyers had to share the information with me about my in-law. in her 1/2 baked shell she still denied it. the woman has so many problems with her hands shoulders and knees she can barely afford to safely live here. she has witnessed for two months how many things i've done she cant do anymore yet she is allowing Claire who does minimal to help her to do what she's doing. she still turns off reality. For example, when Claire was here the other day she pushed in the garbage can so it's hard to reach and had Claire been here to know better would not have done that. Mom's to the point of saying to a 3rd party it's not a problem because she just had to use her cane to maneuver it out. Something is really out of proportion here. I know the stress she puts me and Christine thru to accomplish such a task.

November 16th 2013         
Robodick, Claire, and their borrowed van is here to pick up the furniture while bringing mom home. I have no patience for this. Claire just walked in here and said nothing. mom's been told she's going to bury a 3rd child if she doesnt take care of this. this fallls on Claire. from the getgo i desired Claire to be included but she abides by robodick who is a stranger to us. i think Claire said they're leaving after loading the furniture but claire is remaining to get mom settled. I have no patience for this lack of communication. How did I wind up in this deadly negligent family?

i can hear muffled male voices. mom has stuff she's supposed to read over fordirections after surgery andblows it off which is the usual medical negligence we were raised under post accident and no one kept this loose cannon in check i will not have this and be alive. We'll see how long. I've been here for so long having patience knowing the mistake this woman made. I'm not kidding this woman. She doesnt accept reality and i cant have it that way. Rich came up to say he has to zoom . What a manipulative evil. That's the usual of how uninvolved in our lives he is and Claire is. They have to be in clifton in 45 mins. That's the usual uninvolvement. Rich tries not to stick around much. Taking care of his crippling mother in law is not his priority and neither is it Claire's. I know life here way too much.

Claire's getting ready to leave. that's the usual ... doesn't stick around long. doesn't know how badly mom needs help and mom is fine with her "everything's fine" reality but only with Claire. Me and Christine have been her stress takers.

Christine has no choice and I'm being punished for getting away from what crashed my life into a wall.

mom's friend who had great successes with surgery because she has proper supports and no major medical history just called yet all this loose cannon immigrant has done is compare herself to everybody else including the children she was in charge of. She's still comparing and hasn't learned her lessons. Go figure! That's all she'll do. Her friend is surprised she's been gone all this time but her friend doesn't know how medically incompetent mom is. These lives have not been taken care of properly and I'm going to wind up the casualty without intervention. Ah so mom is receiving money from no fault. That's why she spent an outrageous amt of $ on Christine rather than fix this family because she's getting reimbursed from nofault.

Claire can't kneel down anymore because of her knees. She's witnessing mom's lack of planning and letting it slide not connecting the impact that did to her injured children including Claire. She didn't leave right away. As she's going to pick up groceries and dinner I asked mom if she asked Rich about his disapproval of her based on her catholicism. No answer. This was after seeing me and saying hello after showing no cause for concern - the usual ignoring we have a problem. Last night she flat out denied it. I know it's a fact based on my many conversations with Claire before her recklessly stupid move of denying me shelter being evicted from a nursing home

can't take this. getting numb.

Claire's back. I'm going to tell her before she leaves what mom doesn't. Here's another difference. Claire paid for everything to tell mom what to pay her back whereas the 3 of us have always just lived and shared alike. Very much like lives in old Ireland. That could be why she's like this. She's embarrassed and totally turning away from that life. Claire doesnt even know where to look for plates in this house. Clare's oldest was in germany for3 days before going to Afghanistan (or coming back). If only I had a violent streak-i'd push her down the staircase. See how she likes living the only way I know.

man i tottally lost it.all the screaming Claire says she wont have all just happened mostly as she was closing the garage door. we should have had this argument earlier. i would have pushed her down the stairs for her manipulative silence. The fuck when I tell her mom's going to bury her 3rd child she acts like an asswipe.

let go of life tonight? extremely tempting. i think i'll stick it out for that stairecase fall tomorrow if it's in the cards.

i just sat down with mom making things very clear and she just kept going in circles talking about things outside the subject matter i just made a lot clear to mom and kept bringing her back to point when she kept going back on things we'd already been through about, among others, Claire's descrimination against my own brain injury.

monday's the day I'm planning on taking care of myself if this uneducated immigrant loose cannon does not act. Mon night.

How dare this uninvolved airhead look me in the eye like a child and say "end of discussion" like you would to a child. I know I still feel like a child but this is not a remedy. Claire does not accept my brain injury symptoms and if I can't take care of this on this side of the curtain it's something to be done from the other side.

OMG this woman doesn't listen to EDUCATED REASON. she's still comparing herself to her friend! I'm too numb to remember what the latest subject matter is about.

oh i remember what it was about. driving for 5 weeks. i specifically remember her therapist saying "uh-oh" when mom said she drove before she used to 13 years ago with that surgery. this time mom is stating she's ok to drive (even with glaucoma she DIDN'T have 13 years ago) comparing herself to the same friend surprised she was gone as long as she was. after off the phone I reminded her about monday until she would answer and her response was "ok just stop." which indicates me not being taken serious.

mom's been told and told and told now and thruout the years.

November 17th 2013     
just had another flasback of being ignored. there was a time that for close to a year when i was 15 constantly begging mom to buy a steamer for cooking our vegetables because it's healthier. as usual with SO MANY things i went ignored until her sister told her she bought one and although it may sound comical to some that is a black comedy highlighting the world of invalidation i was raised in post-injury which had serious consequences that leads me to being the casualty of this woman needing to have had oversight in raising her children post-injury.

feeling light-headed today and not sure why. somtimes low blood pressure can do that and if you're eating things like garlic which can further lower blood pressure that can happen. is my heart finally giving out? if so DO NOT save me and throw a party that i'm resting in peace.  

Claire just left and still wont address a life and death issue so i simply kept reading this entire thread over and over and i went ignored. she's coming back and i will resume and their cruelty will resume as well. mark my words. mom says take Christine to the get-better plan and i will not do that, lessons learned, without there being some kind of formal oversight. Mom can have her pride or I have no saving in this life. Mom is doing like my exboyfriend did of reverse psychology in trying to turn this to be just some almost - mysterious problem of my own. Christine was able to answer what mom didn't understand of who the ex is. For me that is a joyous milestone and reminds me of all the good me and my ex did for Christine with a btand new puppy we helped Christine with. Mom sees that as trivial. That highlights the aloofness to our medical needs. I don't hate my mom by any means. But mom has and is making it impossible for still won't accept my refusal to do this get-better plan informally based on experience. Claire is back and I will not back down from her knowing what she is consciensly denying /ignoring.

so Claire has been addressed by mom and Claire is experiencing a temper tantrum. glad Claire finally witnesses this. Claire now knows the screaming Christine does. mom just said anyone would scream at me. the brain injury temper tantrum is still happening. when Christine was scteaming Claire had to go in a room and close the door because she can't handle her family as they are. all this time Claire says i'm the only one who does this. i texted telling her but she denies getting those kind of communications. not that it matters but Claire finally sees this is not just me. mom asked Claire if she would sit down w a professional and Claire refused.

I'm sure Claire will sourly regret ignoring her family believing god has taken care of her. Claire has not been in this house to know the lives she left behind. i'm so glad Claire finally witnesses but i dont trust she will healthfully know what to do with this knowledge because she is uninvolved in the crux of her family. We already heard it from the horses mouth she refuses to sit down with a mediator. I hugged Christine apologizing she is going thru this but obviously Claire is not in this family's best interest. This is why I keep sending out s.o.s. (corrected from "sis" 11/12/15) flares for help. Nobody is coming to our aid. Mom tried.

Claire just left. like all of us she can't function with background noise which was my reading material.

Claire has FINALLY WITNESSED WHAT SHE LEFT BEHIND. I almost want to postpone my annihalation date to see how this plays out. i think i most definitely will hold off. exactly what i've been saying that Claire does not know enough about this household. i just dont have anyone (legal help) to get the surrogate's court to reopen the case. I'll probably email this entire thread to the deputy surrogate. He has not returned any of my phone calls or emails.

feeling some huge relief off my shoulders about this and emotional that someone's prayer out there was directed at me/us and it worked. no one including me is always right in those feelings but it's kind of like when i posted my final road trip and a job came at me out of the clear blue sky with no rhyme or reason. that's how spirit works and i have to see if this changes anything. i'm still emotional out of the clear blue sky. did NOT see this coming.

man i feel Unexpectedly worn out too.

while i've been here Christine has gone out everyday walking in between our cars just fine yet since Claire doesn't see that everyday she inappropriately moved the cars. she also left on lights that mom doesn't leave on because it's a problem to get someone here to change them. just another example.

Andrea yates was on a cocktail of drugs when she killed her 5 children.shame on the moneymakers of these drugs.

i was raped by a haldol injection all because my old cast-iron pipes hadn't been replaced yet. the cops left evidence after this whirlwind rape of my life by leaving my basement door unlocked. i always lock my basement door so for me to me to return home another reason why Monday seems sufficient time to finally pull the plug on this laughing stock life - no justice. no peace.

fortune cookie: "time is precious but truth is more precious than time." perhaps Claire and The Way International should apply chimese philosophies to medical conditions.

November 18th 2013

Today is not a good day. It's transition after a month. Have to listen to mom still carrying thru on plans for others taking care of Christine when it's unnecessary.

the way i went ballistic Saturday is from the culmination of restlessness, worthlessness, boredom,and others. get-well plan will be here any day and the 3 of us are going to a "mediator." i asked mom if she's going to ask Claire to come and she's not " because she won't go." i sensed mom's surprise yesterday when Claire said no. maybe it wasn't surprise -don't know but definitely something.

can't handle the things I'm seeing here but not going to say a word. i let the surrogate's court know about the inadequate railings on the stairs and to this day this 77 year old asshole just says oh she just took care of it when she felt like it after i had prepared to die and failed at one point. too bad she's old. she's a useless immigrant for the children she dragged over broken glass in this country. For all Christine holds back like the rest of us that's how yesterday is a blessing. Everybody's underwear is hung out now. Vodka is doing me well as I feel disembodied spirits(?) Do work around my earlobe where pierced ears are significant because it corrected the error over which child was dead.

Claire just dropped mom off. i assume she refuses to acknowledge the reality of her life existence insisting she's going to keep herself happy which is what god wants for all of us sideswiping the medical issues that this family is happy to stay in denial of. I just can't find enough words for her but do know about avoidance in the sense that if she can't handle the truth of my words she'll avoid it to stay happy. I know my family. I can't say the same for her.!!! If I died tonight ATLEAST i'd have certain things accomplished. ZZzzzzZzzzzzz

.just signed on to say i had myself a good sob-cry and now feel too sick to stomach to sleep ...hmmmm

going back to sleep since i only got 2 hrs last night. i don't want to ignore people in my life like I've been ignored but it comes down to ending my own suffering if no one else will. based on yesterday my self destruct was aborted for now. the matriarch here says she's in charge not realizing she never should have been. if she didn't need any oversight none of our welfare would have been at the surrogate's court way back. it was there for a reason. she has a free day today and there is no talk of handling this matter. i have so lost my life from this matter not being addressed. it's too foggy to see ahead it's now about 4.5 hr's later and the only thing that's happened is we got a call from the person contacted a month ago to retrieve the original plan and they are still having difficulty finding it from 5 yrs ago. Mom won't simply call up the either one of the lawyers and request a copy. This is her homework to do. I know exactly what to do and would do it if put on this guardianship or some kind of monitoring - lesson learned.

November 20th 2013   
Mom suffers from undiagnosed bad planning. As a result I brought home cold dinner tonight because was stuck in rush-hour traffic among needing to make some other stops. Her negative goings on under these conditions stresses both me and Christine out. I can't even put it all into words. I'll get back to this. It's overwhelming especially since the long term ex boyfriend is witness to most of it but has made it a point to dodge into the nearest hiding place when it comes to me.

I'll get back to this... Here's an example: when I first got here Christine had a lot of problems with things I did such as turning the tv up too loud - she has hypersensitive hearing but whether it's due to brain injury or blindness in one eye I don't know. Her words were often extremely negative and hurtful as simulated by mom. Now that she's had time to deprogram at the nursing home away from mom for a month she's back to her old self and not complaining about the things I do. All of this might seem petty but the Big picture got me cut out of her guardianship with her life signed away to a man who has no part in this family and an oldest sister whose head is lost in the clouds. For Christine to state my ex's full name without incident after not seeing,speaking, or hearing from him in over thirteen years really says a lot about the level of involvement I am more familiar with than Claire will ever be...more to come...

finally! one of those primitive dreams getting into a feeling of primitiveness regarding a past life but insufficient coz cut short by my creditors faithfully waking me same time everyday.

November 21st 2013
Christine just had another flaming temper tantrum. I intuitively sensed and said to her "Christine you're bored" after trying to reason with her and getting her to calm down. Her response was "Yes." I said it was going to be even worse at Claire's and asked her if she'd rather be back at the nursing home and she said "Yes." I'm sorry but this lying bitch, power freak immigrant who went into court and made out christine's other routine was earth shattering to miss...I don't need to repeat myself right now and as far as my choice of words, they're far better than the repressed type of an airhead.

Now is the time to fix this. Fyi, i'm not sure if I even got to say in court that if it were up to me to care for Christine soley I could picture both of us living in a brain injury structured environment (not necessarily a nursing home per se) just as we lived together in a children's hospital. I'm here to get this situation fixed or die at home. Even though I loathed it I planned on dying in the desert and then couldn't pass up the chance to die at home which failed the first time. I don't plan on dying amongst strangers like my father did at 45.

1 week home and she's back on a short fuse. this is not fair. If this is the case now I can only imagine the way things were last time Christine was in a nursing home but mom totally got away with it because I was not around as a witness. At that time I was still wasting my breath telling mom to ask Claire for help since she didn't think 2ce in assuming I would do it.

mom told Claire before that Christine came home and said she was going to lie down. she then followed up that statement with how that rarely happens. that's a lie. that's christine's usual routine -which i assumed she was getting back into.

why would mom lie like that? a result of shock to hear Christine last night she'd rather not be here?

November 23rd 2013
In 2008-2009 I tried to have Christine and mom watch a new comedy I knew Christine would like called The Big Bang Theory.

During that time period neither one of them found it particularly interesting. Tonight I was in the middle of my usual 3 hour blocks of TBBT and Christine happened to pay attention and found it funny. As I walked away during commercial to do something I said " I knew you'd like this show (I just couldn't get you to watch it - paraphrase)." When I came back she turned her attention to something else and didn't join in laughter any more. Something tells me I touched upon mom-influenced experience to disregard me in all aspects . I know how this house works.

November 25th 2013    
Mom's outbursts are sooooo stressful. This morning it was over a noise just like when I was 8 and she jumped up screaming "what's that?!" when a napkin holder fell over on the table. Yesterday ... can't remember right now but it's definitely loose cannon fever with innocent medically needy children who should not have been left in this atmosphere.

I remember. It was a wrong newspaper I brought home and the outburst caused some papers to fly onto the dirty dish in front of Christine. Mom's reading glasses are not working for her anymore since in the rehab she received her eyedrops but never told them she needs a timer to keep the drops in for. This is the medical recklessness me and Christine were left to be raised by and mom has been reminded she has a limited time to fix this guardianship. Meanwhile Claire feels like she has a clue by talking to me as if i'm a child: "this issue is over." Ha! That was before her first witnessing of a temper tantrum of someone besides me. Those outbursts I've been left to receive have been one of the beginnings of fights that this woman went into court and said I keep fighting with her. She also gives 1/2 stories to people and then from someplace starts claiming bullying. Go figure.

In Claire's assinine medical understanding of her 1st family's lives Claire pointed out to me once how bad Christine has it because "she'll never enjoy sex." What an assinine view of the total acceptance of her handicapped sister's life. Not only that but she refuses to acknowledge my own brain injury symptoms of social inhibition whereby it's worse I know what it's like to enjoy but can't because of social deficiencies from brain damage that Claire has been disconnected and uninvolved with. I.e. I buy my 1.75 L of Vodka the other day and after putting it on the counter the previous guy customer says to me "great! Where are we going?" Normal people pick up that social cue as a pick-up line. Not this brain-injured gal. Imagine living like this for the past 2 decades since leaving my home environment. A very lonely life. Instead of taking care of

the very real medical reality all Claire can do is cite the bible verse of "man is not made to be alone." Atleast in this familiar environment I was able to sense maybe it's ... speak of the devil ...

She's here hmmm. Got something out of the garage and left.

Anyway as I was saying I took a guess and said to the guy "oh no I party alone. I'm headache free." In hindsight his response was to establish common ground by saying "me too." That's hindsight. so Claire has the opportunity to work a more appropriate limited -stress job. I'm not trying to Claire -bash. It's the medical inappropriateness of all who have failed this family.

Feeling check besides being bored.     

November 28th 2013 (either harris-meant or huh-rass-meant) n. the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one partyor a group, including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including racial prejudice, personal malice, an attempt to force someone to quit a job or grant sexual favors, apply illegal pressure to collect a bill, or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious. Such activities may be the basis for a lawsuit if due to discrimination based on race or sex, a violation on the statutory limitations on collection agencies, involve revenge by an ex-spouse, or be shown to be a form of blackmail ("I'll stop bothering you, if you'll go to bed with me"). The victim may file a petition for a "stay away" (restraining) order, intended to prevent contact by the offensive party. A systematic pattern of harassment by an employee

against another worker may subject the employer to a lawsuit for failure to protect the worker.

Another blowout today when mom started harassing me that we were not going to go to the long awaited mediation meeting with the get-better plan all because she didn't feel like taking care of her car situation. Me: "Oh no you don't. You've dragged this out long enough. I need to make plans for my life...I've waited on you hand and foot and now you're pulling this?..."

mom: "then go live your life.." me: "we've already been over this about structure ..." me previous: "why didn't you call back about your car when you were supposed to when they were expecting your call?" Mom: "I didn't feel like it." Me: "i'm calling right now." Screaming back and fourth while i'm looking up the number. Phone call reveals the problem could have been taken care of yesterday had she called back when she was supposed to the day before yesterday but can't do it today or tomorrow so scheduled a time just in the nic thereof for the mediator appt the following day. When I get off phone i'm still fuming but less so and point out to her the harassment that you DO SOMETHING to solve problems instead of go on and on and on about the problem.

These situations make my life flash before my eyes in that i'm a victimized based on being brought up in this atmosphere of poor planning, lack of problem -solving (remember my dad was going to teach me how to defend myself when he was alive and mom put an abrupt end to it even though as a kid she was known for bullying and beating up boys) while those were SPECIFIC BRAIN INJURY SYMPTOMS THAT NEEDED ADDRESSING. ok that is the past and not having needs addressed ruined my future. OK SO

THE LAST ANSWER IS ALLOWING HOW THIS GUARDIANSHIP PLAYED OUT with christine's life thrown away to The Way International GARBAGE opposed to family that grew up with her in the same house.

I also pointed out the inappropriateness she's guilty of of me being in my 40's and asking me why I didn't go into teaching like a 20 year younger cousin of mine did. No peace because she doesn't know what she's doing to say the least and has kept herself under the radar. Anyway, her harassment to me are all these threats she makes. She does the same to Christine like 2 months ago after coming home after mom's vacation Christine was upset with mom and out came the threat she was going to send her back if she stayed mad. We all know now christine's happier in a structured environment where she's not bored.

On the phone before mom told her inquiring friend that Christine is happy back at shop and I made a point after off the phone that she can't hide behind that anymore because the truth is out. I also reminded her she told our mediator "I just laugh at these people who talk about stress" yet mom stops next to her lawyer in court when he made a claimed against me stating how much stress I was causing.        

so FB won't let me do a status update. having an extra numb session. oldest nephew is talking about going back to schooling for engineering now that he's back from Afghanistan. in my experience engineers don't pay the littlest bit of attention to brain injuries and his special needs brother works at walmart. Claire and her husband went to one of their Way International friends for Thanksgiving. i guess she knows better than to come here with my endless reading education about her brain injury. What she's in denial of her mother burying a child for the 3rd time? Or most likely TWI has her comforted in the verse where Jesus cast demons out of a man that needed to go some place so they went into a bunch of nearby pigs who then all died going over a cliff. Oh so now I'm compared to this herd of swine? I wonder why she never mentions her friends chrissy and jimmy anymore. Jimmy was around before we had our accident and resulting brain injuries.

my bad. forgot the hypocrisy and denial is fed into even more. youngest nephew is no longer working at walmart but a teaching assistant for special needs kids. dont you have to be specially schooled for that? situation fixed or my death. no worries.

me and christine's interaction is still the same. the only person not paying attention is mom who went ahead and got a guardianship without a road map. me and Christine both have an underdeveloped sense for example when it comes to bodily noises. the only difference is that i see the social differences between some things being controlled in public. i'm trying to remember the age where those things are funny. that's a stage me and Christine share again the only difference being what stays private and christine's inability to distinguish the two. i'm waiting to get numb/sleepy enough and just having another episode of my life flashing before my eyes while this selectively incompetent immigrant is getting away with this hook line and sinker.she has falsely stated and believes out of desperation that her son-in-law does not hold her catholicism against her. If Claire witnessed 1/2 the things mom can't do anymore she would be here. I will be living this lie for only so much longer.

restless bored ... still waiting to fall asleep. mom says she can drive now but I'm supposed to go tomorrow over car situation. i haven't been on a quest since i was a teen to find out what was wrong with me just to have some evil genius in the way International do this. i'll kill him first if not me first.

November 29th 2013
These endless noises for god's sake. Instead of getting help this woman puts all this stress on her kids.

Last night I laid myself to sleep and prayed for death so I may have peace. This morning woke up to this life. Better luck next time. I pledged allegiance to a disgrace. All our lives a slap in the face. And to the republic for which it stands. White-collar murder easy when immigrants don't understand. Indivisible with liberty aloof and justice for all except those of us sound-proofed. Hello death finally peace at this time. My undiagnosis made me the joke of a lifetime. How's my once- intelligent sister been? I'd like to tell her bout hospital life and fair weather friends. Did I mention fellow patient whose name sounds like sick alladin? I would have admitted i'm a terrorist waiting to happen but then I'm accused of a felony. Mom never got over you stephanie. Over 20 years later with your dolls and trophies still in tact but my life destroyed by suppression of facts. Claire separated from us but sees herself as greatly religious. Christine got the worst used as an excuse becoz mom's needs come first. I'm never going back but I'll be with you. In your next life I'll be the

unseen force for you. No more of mom's half baked shell. For what I've done I need to escape the forces of hell.

November 30th 2013
 Christine has just made sense of what is going on and found it ludicrous Claire has the attitude she does. Mom is still saying she's not doing the surrogate court. Today's goal is to have Christine's wishes known. I'm not doing it without this loose cannon games or answered to in some capacity.     

i think I'll have an extra numbness today. can't handle hearing about how all these other lives turned out. was brought up always compared to other people who have never been in an accident and always fought with my mother about that. Claire was always able to distinguish or separate from mom. not this insanely confused child i've always gone against the tide with Claire on that issue. i could never see life like her on that issue. that's the difference i guess between severe brain damage at six years of age and severe concussion at twelve - it's a different stage of brain development. cheers! was supposed to go tomorrow to change furnace filter but have to put it off another day due to insufficient cash flow.

hard to watch celtic woman play the violin.

mom just commented on the violin player and i said "yeah and i wanted to play the violin and you never took me for lessons." her response: "well you can go learn now." that's the response of childhood development idiot being left a loose cannon in the usa who don't share the mentality of America but only blend in at all costs (somewhat).

watching barbara streisand in brooklyn. Mom's reality is so obvious. Won't someone save me? At this age she's started commenting conversationally on my weight. I finally told her about one of our neighbors I used to babysit for who told me she was putting her 8(?) Year old on a diet and asked her why she never did that with me. Her reply was "well you kids never really had a problem with that." OMG!!!!! I came home from the hospital a chubby kid with premature breasts and subtely but strong-felt made fun of by this woman who is interpreting "leave the past in the past" as "the past never happened." How about a death spell from someone who knows what they're doing?

when i came home from the hospital the fad was The Main Event: her son has the same last name as a main person who started the downhill unraveling of the salvaged life i once had.

now i lay me down to sleep and pray for death to give me peace. i pledged allegiance to a disgrace. all our lives a slap intbe face. in this land where ... sleep

December 2nd 2013
Today mom and me acted on the mediator's suggestion where she made calls to the surrogate's court and I made some medical inquiry calls for Christine. My calls were very positive towards my knowledge and involvement. I feel a HUGE relief mom finally took step 1 and it doubly revealed to me that I would provide a really service to Christine by being her medical guardian. I knew what questions to ask, what departments to call, the difference between certain doctors, etc. To have only Claire involved in this is an absolute disservice to Christine. If Claire insists it has to be her or me then she should go. The first suggestion was to ask her workshop what they thought and although my thinking was "all these people didn't get Christine on seizure meds all those untreated years...I don't think they're going to make a difference now" I did ask.

The response was very positive reinforcing what I've been trying to do all along. I was even told Christine could have a flexible schedule if the purpose was the get-better plan - something my mother insisted in a court of law was not the case.

Now it just takes the surr court fiasco to be undone. Mom didn't even phrase things right with them which is going to make me sound the idiot but first things first. I have to wonder if christopher luongo, dpty surrogate, is even going to call her back or even look into it. I'm not going to stick around forever to find out but do know some things will only exist over my dead body. Have to put off changing the furnace filter another day due to mom needing my help with her own situation otherwise she'd be paying another astronomical amount of $ that is NOT reimbursed by no-fault. No worries if it all falls thru and I wasted myself on her. There's always letting go of this life.

Claire's rendition via The Way International : god knew those four people wouldn't believe. same goes for all the people who died sleeping on an amtrak train that fell into a bayou due to a miscellaneous time of inattention to the track being correctly aligned

my bad if this is the bayou derailment i'm thinking of. saw interview of guy responsible for reporting condition of track and he said he didn't know why he said it was fine when the computer he was reporting from clearly showed it wasnt

life is flashing before my eyes. mom has been spoonfed the knowledge that the school can't solely take care of your needy child. that parents must be involved in decisions. yet for her to do that to me she needed to have sent me away to a boarding school. Christine is suffering the same fate by a woman not competent to provide those needs to the altered children she never accepted. hiliary is talking about equal rights for people with disabilities. kudos to her for the stand but the pace of politics is not going to save this life. i was on the volunteer commitee to get her into NYS senate and i still went no place becoz of a bunch of nutjobs in NYS govt and medical care in northern NYS.

in a few hours i must travel to change my furnace filter and be reminded of the mountain mess i'm in. facing the cold and cruel reality of how uninvolved my family is. If I die be comforted about the peace I'll be in.

December 3rd 2013
Christine had another temper tantrum tonight which started from a mistake handled much more low-key and forgiving than how mom handles it - thus something Christine is not used to. Mom started screaming at her to shut up thus revealing where Christine gets it from. Later on mom had to answer the phone while I helped Christine. Mom made it a point to pick up the extension near me and Christine thinking I was pulling an attitude toward Christine. Wrong she was. Earlier today I had to go to a doctor's appt with mom over an obvious problem and I asked questions and got an answer from the doctor over what the definition was of what he was saying. Later on mom had to ask me what the doctor said and then said to her phone conversation "Whatever that means." Obviously I'M not the incompetent / overwhelmed / in over my head guardian. Christine's attitude toward me has turned back into the non-negative type thus mom hasn't been able to drill into her how to be toward me. It was obvious in front of the mediator when Christine was asked what she wanted. 1st thing Christine did was look at mom (to know what to say). This childishness is inappropriate and unfair for what we've had to go thru. Mom also started harassing me she wasn't going to call the lawyer tomorrow to ask the same question luongo never called her back about. Her previous answer to this question was "ok."

December 4, 2013
Feeling very tired but so alone. Don't want to stay here. Not sure what I should do. I need so much help i'm in over my head. Help! Mind racing. Help! If no help there's always the final solution. I'm away from harassment and insanity but don't have what I need to keep my life together

i didnt stay and was that a good decision? well when you're 25 and learn about your impaired decision making due to serious brain damage sustained in a car accident 19 years earlier your life becomes a downward spiral especially when you lack family support in all the needed areas

Alarm never went off. Hour late leaving. Mom's being an asshole saying she's not calling her lawyer to ask question. Christine's well being is caught in the crossfire.

mom's finally been told from a medical stand point she needs to slow down. when will anyone really know how much self-created stress she really causes. the mediator has witnessed mom's lack of...that's not quite's uninvolvement...that's not quite's compliance to a point and then refusal in areas where it doesn't fit or make sense ...i think that's it.

Claire just called. mom falsely represents this guardianship as being effective when she's dead. that's not true. it's effective when she can no longer care for her or and inaccurasies don't jive well. nuf said.

after helping mom yet again with something simple i asked if she called her lawyer yet or if Luongo called her back. answer to both is no. i must be auto lagged from too much driving yesterday. i'm restless but tired. Not good. Claire's not here to see and hear all the struggles and resulting stress. Mom's struggling with shopping up the stairs but not asking me for help based on my question to her before. She'll hear it coming from someone else but not her educated child...longer story.

I am so god damn sick of this. Just find the fuck out what you need to do to add me as medical guardian ... it's very clear how I ended up doing a lot of these unhealthy things she does. So now that she's rested from that asks me to turn on the light since i'm standing nearby it and will expect me to get dinner when it arrives. That's how things happen. Instead of addressing entire issues little bandaids live and die continuously. The point is without having anyone here to help with all these things she constantly stresses Christine out oh but not consider me for important things like being taken seriously for christine's medical care? BYE

December 6, 2013
Only reason I got out of bed today was when mom got home and I called the lawyer on speaker phone in her presence to ask the question mom won't or is not capable of asking. Mom is really struggling doing things on her own. Claire has witnessed how loud and screamy we all are. She's now a hypocrite to keep up her charade about me hiding behind her husband's orders who has never witnessed in Christine what Claire has. Came up with example why this needs to be formalized after needing to drive mom the other day: since I was a child my mother is not a backseat driver but a backseat nervous breakdown. Mom now drives twenty miles an hour under the speedlimit highway driving and there have been many situations that people beep at

her when she's unsure what way to go (but you can't just hold up traffic like that!). Reassuring her I drove across country w/o incident doesn't work. (It seems to me the real problem is an undiagnosed socio-perceptual thing but not necessarily from brain injury). Anyway say I take care of Christine informally and an accident happens on the road-not necessarily my fault. In her loose cannon ways mom can just pull the plug on the whole thing and say she'll do it and there will be people like a judge and attorneys who will believe her and she won't do it but keep telling people she will - similar to what the mediator witnessed.

mom's doing something the medical professional is telling her she's not ready for yet. the only reason she is doing so is because she doesn't have anyone here to do things for her. STRESS

chinese food leftovers and 80 proof Vodka w cranberry juice. Claire called to know of mom's new medical condition aloof from how badly she needs physical help with everyday things. Christine fell the other morning at 5am. I'm the one who showed them how to make a non-emergency police call since mom doesn't want ambulance,etc here. as matter of fact i had to call them non-emergency when mom fell here in 2009. this time mom didn't want to call at 5am so even though Christine's hip hurt she had to roll up onto her knees as per directed by mom and i had to pull her up the best i could on her right side.

her arm was tremoring very badly. watching "lily rush" work on a homicide investigation 27 years old in 2003. my case is 35 years old.

just gave an update to Christine on today's events. mom chimed in that i never made a new appt to compensate for the medical unacted upon medical plan that's outdated. the incompetent guardian needs the slap across the face of her life for the shit she's pulling. really good indication why i have no patience for loose cannon immigrants who think they can act like they know how to take care of medically needy children in the usa - take your kids and get the fuck out already!

walked back out to get my toast and the harassment began as well as the ruffling of my feathers. big blowout occurred with Christine having no idea of mom's broken promises 4 years ago and mom saying again she'll do it now. SHE'S NOT ABLE TO DO IT ANYMORE ANDin her twisted beliefsays i dont need this to be formalized. if all else doesn't work i assume this incompetent guardian doesn't know about water intoxication. I'm not NOT going to tell Christine what's going on. She has every right to know life outside the puppet my mother uses her as.

walked out this morning and Christine said good morning as usual. felt compelled to walk back out not only for a drink but so mom has clarification. referring to the calls this week it was not my job to call for an appt for Christine. it was to find sick of this incompetence .... she it was to find out information only. same as her. but she has no problem letting this go on forever. feathers had no need to be ruffled. it's just mom acting different in front of Christine because mom used guilt and authority the whole time to drill into Christine i'm a problem. i come from the perspective of involving Christine. 4 years ago when the court appointed attorney was here she asked Christine if she wanted to get better and Christine looked at mom as to what to say and said "no" which is completely contradictory to how this house has lived for the past 35 years. meanwhile in the past week the mediator asked Christine and Christine did the usual of look at mom to know what to say but this time mom didn't look at Christine from what i remember and said "yes." on mon i'm going to call back when the lawyer is there and get more clarification on things...that's all i can get out at this time about children whose welfare has been left to this negligence other than Christine doesn't remember the medical eval doctor from 4 years ago because she only met him once so i assume the court appointed attorney sees her periodically because supposedly Christine remembers her. mom's out doing things she's not supposed to instead of adding me as a medical guardian.

December 7th 2013
Bush and laura are on Leno tonight.

December 8th 2013  
Another Big blowout without Christine in the room (thank god). It's all about going to the mediator tomorrow which mom started out saying she was not going to do. Now it's come down to she's going to go to the mediator tomorrow and tell them off. Good!!!!(?) Is she going or do I have to drag myself to follow where she goes before the mediator appt? Laying in bed all these days has put me over the top. It's not healthy. And from the way mom is acting I wasted my time in her seeing that without me she would have floundered. I made the same mistake being away for so long thinking she would actually get it. WRONG. This is the danger I was never saved for in having a low-iq(?), uneducated actress take care of my life post injury under the radar screen. I let her know that 13 years ago she got by just fine after her 1st knee replacement because at that time her hands had not gone bad and it was before the time her eyesight went bad. Her response was to hold up her hands indicating there's not a problem - momentary denial.

mom's really laying on the sweetness now with christine. that wasn't the case before i started spending the day in bed leaving mom to her own devices. Christine was sitting at the table laughing to herself as i sat resuming our game from yesterday. she was recalling the time yesterday as we were both working on it and bodily noises became an issue. again i dont know the age where those things are funny but someone needs to save this situation before lies overcome truths. the year is 2013 and this girl turned woman never had a neuropsych for god's sake which is specific brain injury testing. i haven't spent the day in bed so we'll see how this goes.

she uses this as a weapon against me but not Claire probably because Claire is not as familiar with this household. i came really close to pulling the plug on me today. that's what happens when family gets under your skin i guess and now i see that's an open way Christine will be around me but not mom. if Claire never saw a temper tantrum from Christine then she sure as hell doesn't interact with Christine in this way. have to wonder how devastating it would be for Christine to come face to face with my death. Claire and her stranger husband have no business dividing this family. my nephews aren't strangers but their father is.

tonight i corrected mom's lie that Christine fell while doing dishes when she was finally put on seizure meds. today she said i was right about that however i think it was in court when she said i was wrong that Christine was on the landing waiting for the bus. i wouldn't be surprised if mom suffers multiple personalities however that will not stop me from pulling the plug. all irish are known for guiness,smoking, and not holding back from telling someone to fuck off when needed. all 3 are completely abscent in her life. was she raped or molested by a man who smelled of drink or smoke? her sister was sent across the country to a catholic hospital for polio and i assume that's why she fought so long to keep Christine out of anything like that of it's kind. i'm a victim of an undiagnosis? it's a diagnosis in America but not necessarily ireland - especially pre 1990's.

I'm restless. need a life. need to be rescued. Wish this had been around 13 years ago as I was talking to myself saying "help me." My india friend was around telling me to get out of where I was and get a job at his company and that I was ruining my life. My mother was telling me the same thing but my argument to her was that she already ruined my life. I had NO IDEA at the time the surrogate's court could help us. In this case it will kill me. No joke. Was just watching ghost stories of fort jefferson and it seems the would there counted the days in 1862. They were never supposed to die there but someone just left them there to die. That's the whole scenario with me and northern ny. I know a woman whose european mother came to northern ny and got married to what turned out to be a sour man. Although her daughter was raised there she took the same stance that she wasn't going to die there. The only place I wouldn't have minded dying there was in the arms

of my one and only. oh what a ruined christmas it's going to be if airhead and robodick come here. I will not back down. Don't come here if I'm still here. I will drive you out of the house like I did the last day.

I'm not exiting this life without the truth being drilled into you. I will not go down in silence with this brainwashed religious sect cruelty.

that's only one of many information links to be read continuously.

December 11th 2013

getting numb soon. someone better step in soon to reverse this family and court discrimination against my brain injury.

told mom today not to have christmas here. i will ruin it if still here. 

December 14th 2013   
Must be stress that woke me up after 3.5 hrs. Slept 6 full hrs last night. Mediator is not as helpful as needed. Basically only gets mom's ass in gear to DO things. It's the same things I've been telling and illustrating but she renders her children useless. Vodka. That double standard of ignoring but expecting the best is the recipe of a crashed Well being that I'm executing my bucket list because I will not survive without a job (only now having to stick to a "price acceptance range") and will die in protest instead of go on welfare or bankruptcy, here is an honest and open email sent to the provider fair merry-go-round. life under the comatose / brain injury/ incredibly reckless circumstance.

December 15th 2013 
such a fitting song for one way this life fell apart as per when i was 17

conversation with mom as I was engaged in activity with Christine on Saturday:

Mom: you better get that cough checked out (which arose while I was living in a truck stop so whatever the problem, it arises from carbon particulates - I was never in any way a lot lizard however in a year and a half there had been approached 2ce and the second time at least my naivety was prepared but the first time I was confused declining the man but then got sick to my stomach once I realized what he was proposing, and took off from the truck stop feeling like I'd never return. (me not being a lot lizard is kind of being used against me in this whole situation of some half-thinkers saying that mom must have done something right because I'm not THAT BAD. riiiiiiggghht).
me: I'm waiting to die. I'm not going to get checked out.
Mom: phew (that "I don't take you seriously and stop talking shit" noise I know so well).
Me: What? you need to take care of this or I'll take care of myself.
Mom: (among the comebacks by mom she repeats her latest fad that I'm responsible because I'm an adult. I don't remember the whole dialogue but it was whatever she's
listening to from someone who doesn't know the situation that it's up to me).
Me: I was 17 and you were in charge. Fix it. Even before I was 17 you were in's up to you.

mom says nothing but goes on doing what she's doing. That's the usual. so whatever is going on with mom she starts things but doesn't finish them - exactly what my life has been like at different times. The legal things the mediator got the ball rolling with mom started reading over and said she'd get back to the next day so when I asked her she said she needs to do it in the morning so the next morning it was put off again because she was able to get her hair appointment late morning. That was 3 days ago and the papers are still sitting here untouched. This is the importance mom places on things (I would say "for me" but she doesn't jump at the chance of getting Christine better so it's not just me).

This morning I walk out forgetting what led to the downfall of this life:

Mom: I'm worried this plow guy isn't going to come back.
Me: You have his number to call him?
Mom: Yes but I have to wait.
Me: well if he's not here by a certain time call him.
I go about my business and turn on the tv. Mom calls out asking if it's news on.
Me: Well it's weather.
Mom comes in and sits to watch the tv.
Mom: I'm worried this guy isn't going to come back.
Me: didn't we just go over this? (my tone of voice gets extremely annoyed and tense as my life flashes before my eyes that

no one kept tabs on this loose cannon raising medically needy children). That's how my life fell apart...instead of being able to strategize of getting through life this is what I was raised in and what I went out into the world and did ... basking in worry.
Mom: there's lots of people like that.
Me: (I feel the raw nerve get pulled) Not everyone has a child that lived in a hospital for 8 months with the diagnosis of severe brain damage...(words continued until I stepped out of room).

This started yesterday of what sounded like a joke she made. Why? Growing up here it wouldn't have started as a joke. She just changed her tone of voice about it because I'm an adult now(?). There's a question mark with that because she didn't start acting non-motherly to me until I contested the guardianship as I was approaching the age of 40.Something is not authentic and I know there's people out there who see right through it - they just never saved my life while at it.

Mom goes about the rest of her morning routine. That's been life that unraveled the falling apart of this life - the basking in worry is just a check on keeping track of things (I guess?). Had I not come from a special needs life perhaps I would be able to handle this very differently. Instead, as with any hospital-traumatized child (to say the least), there was a heavy dependence on the environment I was released to. I'm not even sure if I put this all into words. It's unbelievable how I made it.

OK so that's the past - I will not have it happen (in the end) that some robodick in The Way International, married to my other undiagnosed brain injured sister, are the sole ones written into the life of my hospital-mate sister while never having a significant level of involvement . It's only a matter of time.

The suggestions my mother is taking from the mediator are being acted on at a snail's pace (which is a bad thing). The mediator is allowing mom to not be truthful based on mom's "pride." That "pride" caused complete confusion to a needy child needing set directions and guidance (not sure if that sums it up). I was not the only child raised under these stressful conditions. One received a court order not allowed back here. One did their best to live up to inappropriate expectations. And one can't speak for themselves but is intuitively understood by the the child left here.

So the plow guy came a few hours after the above and it happened to change the mood of the day. When he came to the door I asked him his last name since he grew up in the same town I did. I never heard it before and we never crossed paths but he knows people who knew us and my mother is familiar with some of the people. At one point he pointed out someone he knows stating "yeah the bad accident" with that small town tone of voice indicating everyone knows. I grew up with that. (I can hear Alanis lyrics right now "...I dont want to be adored for what I merely represent to you..." "...see this pedastal is high and I'm afraid of heights..." "...that I would be great if I was no longer queen..."). So I immediately said we all were in a really bad accident long ago. His response sounded like he didn't know. He was five years old when we had it but everyone knew. He may have forgotten but I'm sure once he asks he'll be like "oh yeah them." turns out also that someone he knows who is of significance is the reason Michelle Obama was here a few years ago.

December 16th 2013
All of a sudden I have a feeling mom is swimming in unreality that i'm ok and not going to die if this is not taken care of. Those are the self comforting unrealities she falls into. I should know. Been there. Done those learned things for long enuf.

December 17th 2013
sending vibes out to the universe for overdue justice. dont want anything else. listening to my youtube playlist of nice songs i grew up with from Air Supply to anne murray to fleetwood mac to neil diamond to barry manilow etc.

Would love to know how this happened. About the same time I sent these vibes out mom took a step on the operated knee to a surprise. Now needs to have an xray done. Since I was denied guardianship in 2009 mom has lost some vision, needs a hearing aid, and has lost a lot of the use of her hands, and has full care of Christine. Is anyone ready to save this family yet? I need to shut up for now.

She won't call about the hearing aid so I did. Then things hit the fan and I've made it very clear to Christine she needs to speak up about her desire to get better which mom had her lie to her court appointed attorney about. No guarantees Christine can do that. "...a way to get my hands untied ..." Alanis Morissette

It's like the drama queen thrives on drama. On the phone telling her sister (?) about the knee event and comparing herself to other people operated on that go down stairs LEAVING OUT THE PART THAT SHE DOESN'T FOLLOW THE PHYSICAL THERAPIST'S INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO USE THE STAIRS. Now she's using the 35 year old trick about getting rid of the house (with the excuse being the stairs).

Drinking my sorrows back to sleep even though slept thru the night. Some days are harder than others. I guess I live in unrealities like mom does in holding on for someone to actually save me.

December 18th 2013 
sending out again. The simultaneous action yesterday must have been the universe saying I'm heard. Nothing is wrong with mom as revealed by the xray. i just dont know if that means justice will be had in some form or another (like the decision by the moron-hall-of-fame judge at the surrogate's court gets overturned or something else if at all). sending vibes out to the universe for overdue justice. dont want anything else. listening to my youtube playlist of nice songs i grew up with from Air Supply to anne murray to fleetwood mac to neil diamond to barry manilow etc.

help us! Replied on December 19th 2013

December 21st 2013
According to my sis Claire God knew she wouldn't believe and so was allowed to die as per The Way International, beliefs which Christine is subjected to at this time as per Judge Deanne M. Wilson. tell me about it. i studied with my sister for years keeping an open mind that maybe she's right until she pulled a doozy on her family member being evicted from a nursing home. previous to and for all i know, during and after, readily had people living with her under less emergency situations. In response to someone saying to me they didn't understand.

Sending us out to the universe again. How it all unfolds is all recorded. Today it all unfolded and it's all recorded. With all the denials that come out of this woman I told her to call up Colleen Kober who's been around since before our accident and ask her how life has been with me ALL these years. Cops stick together and Colleen is no different however she did receive a call from a superior, a lieutenant, and probably is clueless about NYS politics. Mom just came out and asked if i'm feeding everyone "my shit and my lies." Doesn't matter. I have the evidence I need (not perfectly as in from the beginning because this is how things happen from normal conversations to chaos. Today started with her talking to us about catering for christmas and I asked "here?" And she said "Yes" and I shook my head and went back to working with Christine and said something to the effect of "I keep telling you what's going to happen." The mediator didn't know mom lied to me and withheld information from me as a teen which could have prepared my future.

At a certain point mom came over pulling my hair like she used to do to me discipling me when I was being bad as a child which when I asked her about it once said she couldn't remember. I'm pretty sure christine's slaps to my hands can be heard. We learned in this house how to be physical. The only difference now is that mom can only tug at my hair because of her hand pain.

Christine's slaps to my hands has the brain injury element to it same as when I was a child which is to exaggerate the learned ways, aka repeating the action over and over above and beyond. I was raising a puppy that my father said yes to before he died while my mother said no. In discipling the puppy I went off twilight zone "memories" of how Claire disciplined her puppy before we had the accident. What a train wreck.

The tv ad told me to call so I did  

Txt msg sent to Claire which will probably go unread as she keeps herself away from technology "if u refuse to discuss this family coming full circle u can expect the same scene here on christmas as last u were here. I WILL NOT have the setup with Christine u have created."

Mom came home with shopping which indicated my brother-in-law is coming here. That's what started this conversation today. He's a shrimp fan more so than Claire.

Not doing well today.

Of COURSE! What else is new? "Ty for contacting our office regarding a potential TBI claim...we cannot assist you...if you fail to file within the statute of limitations ... you may be forever prohibited from doing so..."

Replied on December 28th 2013

December 22nd 2013
So mom just did what I incorporporated. W/o letting me know (pride) she canceled Christmas here and made a reservation leaving it open to be cancelled. Claire had called introducing herself as usual which makes little sense especially to a sole guardian supposedly with "a bond" sense... and silently dealt with the frustration of mom's indecision.

Christmas Day just might be an appropriate time for me. This is dragging out with no proof anything is going to change. I'm moot territory for this immigrant without a clue. Life would have turned out differently had I realized her inability to provide earlier. Claire talks to her like she's an idiot just like the mediator meeting her now had no clue she lied to and withheld information from me as a teen which otherwise could have changed the course of my history. The mediator has experience in dealing with such matters long ago. If you could only hear the things I hear and see the things I see. Me and Christine should have been raised in Ireland starting almost 30 years ago.

December 23rd 2013
I just lost everything I typed because of a f*cking collector calling and closed out my browser. Let's try this again. I didn't have social media before I was 18 to report what was going on nor did I have a social worker or court order for protection. Is it making a difference? Woke up this morning to "well I guess I'll have to go down" and after Christine leaves I go out and say "why did you have to go down?" As mom struggles back up the stairs says "I always go down...look we've been here alone for a long time just fine." "Mom Christine (doesn't think twice) asks for things not realizing the things you can't do anymore. I did the same thing but it's being used against me." "Just leave and stop this abuse." "No i'm going to stay here and remind you. It's Christine you're abusing by not carrying out her wishes to get better." Silence and walking on as I feel a raw nerve struck and have to consciencely restrain myself from taking physical action (flashback of seeing Claire long ago physically jumped onto my mother's back as she walked away and mom's glasses flew off her face - this was before the court order when I think Claire was dating a guy named AD).

just tried again to reason with mom. there's no reasoning to someone who doesn't know. in the past i would ask her about what if i died and her only response was to make a joke of burying me in the backyard. NO SERIOUS PLANS. i said to her that when she started this guardianship the lawyer must have asked questions about other children and what did she do? misrepresent reality again? can't emphasize enuf that this woman witnessed all she needed all these years....not even worth.

Had a vivid dream this morning that I was throwing some food down for wild animals and more than usual came around to eat and then I saw a skunk running in my direction and for some reason said it was going to run after me. I was surprised that I was right and followed something else (a young boy?) that was running from it. I looked down at the food in my hands and it was chocolate covered. The thing I followed ran up some wooded steps into the next yard and I noted i'm not able-bodied enough to do that anymore so in the dream I skipped over how I got up into the next yard. there was another skunk standing across from a young boy who was unconcerned the skunk was watching him and preoccupied doing something else - kind of like

at a place like yellowstone park where I've seen pics of deer just lazing about while humans mill about around them instead of being spoofed and hiding in the woods.

December 24th 2013      
Three times today Christine almost fell - 2ce due to her paralyzed side and once that couldn't be deciphered in her temper tantrum. In working with Christine I can tell she has a problem with depth perception or  something with her eyes. Mom doesn't have her wear her eyeglasses anymore. All I want for christmas is this situation to be full circle resolved but airhead is pretty bondaged by robodick. More pertinant (sp?) details When i'm sober.

December 25th 2013

So mom and Christine are gone to have a christmas dinner with Claire. I came across a document from 1-28-11 where I asked the court to reconsider the decision against me from 2009. No reply.

So I ran down to make sure there was no ice for Christine when I saw a car pull in the driveway. I open the garage door and my youngest (special needs) nephew is walking toward me. I hear robodick say hello to me (as if!) and embrace the hug my nephew is holding out to me. I ask if they're coming inside. I walk inside leaving the door open for all to come inside. I go upstairs and press record. I catch up on missed time with my nephew. Asked him if he ever seen Forrest Gump as I turn the volume up on the tv and he said He's seen it about a million times. When his father steps in the room I ask if we're going to discuss this now. His response is "i'm not going to fight with you now." And some kind of snide sarcasm as he turns aside. I'm not sure how a question gets interpreted as a fight. Apparently my nephew has no idea I was comatose for a

month and lived in a hospital for 8 months with Christine. My nephew gave me 2 hugs before he left. It's all

recorded.*feeling closer to death and no one is doing anything to fix this.* I don't think my nephew is equipped with enuf info of what's behind the reason why he'd be helping to clean me up off these floors. After they left I asked mom what the resolution was for this situation and she's as in the dark as my nephew. Alcohol. Forrest Gump. I met a guy once at the truck stop that I couldn't stop calling Lieutenant "Dane" Looked JUST like him even though Gary Sinise had long moved on to csi shows.

Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good.

This woman told the court 4 years ago she would take Christine for treatment and because she was never held to it, never did. When I confronted her tonight she was still vague. Someone needs to reach out to Christopher john (CJ) Mould (hopactcong nj) and tell him the entire truth. Thomas James (TJ) Mould is living in an apartment off base in Washington, DC (air force - nonflight) with another guy. It's possible they've both been told deception about me since I've been out of their lives. I had as much interest in being involved in their lives as Claire was in mine. When I was being evicted from a nursing home I have no idea if it was tj or christopher who picked up the phone and told me to stop calling there.

Robodick left the seat up in a house of all females. That's what Claire has turned her life to tolerate. The obedient female. Can't be saying what I be dreaming of or else I go to prison.

Blitzed beyond the usual.

I couldn't have said it better myself! : " Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake." Sheldon Cooper - Big Bang Theory

More hypocrisy via Claire as per The Way International who in my many hours of studying with her made it crystal clear paganism is like the root of the problem but then goes and participates in things like Christmas and halloween, etc.

Although I'm not one but have studied with them and they're very much like The Way International, I have much more respect for Jehovah's Witnesses who find fault in paganism AND do not participate in what they preach against.

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