May 8th 2014

as i sit here in the rain having gotten up at in the middle of the night I was sure as a paranoia that police were going to come after me. Hasn't happened yet. My psyche was burned by being in Syracuse. When there I did have this overwhelming feeling people there are completely cop-calling happy. For instance the police were called once when a salesman doing a demonstration in a home did damage to the home owners property (like a mattress) as he was demonstrating the product. Just an example of the cop-calling happiness that is overboard and completely inappropriate for me to be around. But that's an example of the inappropriateness that my injured mind/brain should never have done. It warped my reality. THAT'S the intuitive knowledge that kept me in one spot no matter how bad it was. All my college graduates (on the whole) went and traveled to many places for many jobs. INAPPROPRIATE. The places I've lived between leaving home and Syracuse were slower paced like my hometown so I'm not sure if the last place lived leaves the greatest impression or if the problem was the cop-happy place. I can feel how I would easily fall into a niche of using this time of night and this parking lot to keep up life. Flame to frying pan. I need someone to care for me. My health is in decline. I don't want to let go of life for all there is to accomplish but it's in the final countdown phase. No one has saved me all these years. I'm often getting little headaches now. It's to be expected.

 Not putting down Syracuse. Perhaps other places should be like that involving police more. Just not what I'm at all used to.

 May 9th 2014
MY GOD I JUST MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR TO MOM HOW I WILL BE GONE VERY SOON. I POINTED OUT ALL THE EVIDENCE ALL AROUND HER AND SHE STILL BLOWS ME OFF. I EVEN TOLD HER ... LOST MY THOUGHT. THIS IS WHY THE WHOLE WORLD IS BEING TOLD THIS ON FB AND BLOGGER SO WHEN I'M GONE RECORDS WILL BE KNOWN TO ALL WHO ARE NOT BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE. AS i READ THIS ALOUD TO HER SHE STILL DID THE SAME. THING. http://occupiednewbie.blogspot.com/?m=1

"i too am puzzled by loved one's turning away.
    perhaps a new voice?
    a public display? ... of some kind to draw attention for social workers... good ones. would need to be dramatic i suppose... theatrically speaking.
    need a skunk to make a stink, for ya? i could try to speak with ur mum?"
   
    that actually might be an idea. hmmm
   
    "Sometimes a new voice helps break thu denial.....but it could really piss her off."
   
    yeah i know. hmmm
   
    "What wpuld you have an advocate say for you...in short.
    We can make a list...and orgaize by priorty...clarify the best possible way to say it....so she heres it.
    How about a quiz for here to take...how to know when to get help type. Idk. Just nrianstorming."
   
    and Thankyou for that word denial. i used to fight with her in high school about her being in denial. you picked up on that eh?
   
    "Well ...only hearing ur side...yada......but yeah
    What is the main thing u want translated to her relating to fisrt step actions for those payments n most importantly .. being claimed as her own.
    Did I get that right?"
   
    my childhood hospital records indicated family counseling highly recommended due to the family not dealing with everything involved with this accident. never happened. during high school when my mother came to one counseling session i complained how after my father died i needed someone to practice with me for my spelling bee and when it came to certain words my mother was like "oh that's how you spell it!" nothing about that seemed earthshattering to the counselor. THAT'S what's wrong with psychology. my rehabilitative needs could have been nipped in the bud right there and then. SAME happened with the mediator we recently went to but that really is my bad. i overestimated that mediator based on a situation i thought they figured out all by themselves but actually they started out knowing the supposed mystery they supposedly solved.
   
    our messages crossed. you sent while I was still typing. Let me finish my rant on that psychology thing. Psychologists are not trained in the brain itself and that's the crime. They are paid (similar to psychiatrists) to modify human behavior. Not even mentioning the pharmacy merry-go-round.
   
    ok i don't know where to begin in re: translation. I had no idea my mother collected social security for me and christine growing up. Once my money was released to me at 18 I gave her $2000 out of my kindness over what she's done for me like take me to modeling school and acting school and a tv commercial course. Even when I gave her that money she still never said "that's ok I received money for you and christine from the government that paid for it." And I remember her telling me she was going to use that money for some work that needed to be done on her teeth. With her memory to her advantage she doesn't remember that. Mhana I just dont know where to begin. She's not capable. I dont think it's her you should be talking to. I'd say talk to Morris County Surrogate Christopher Luongo but he hasn't answered his phone since I last spoke to him in July or August. Who else? I just don't know.
   
    anyway here's his contact info: cluongo@co.morris.nj.us phrone: 973-285-6492 PO box 900 Morristown NJ 07960 and if he doesn't answer, call you back, or acknowledge you here's the court clerk's info: Sally Spinosa 973-285-6493. This was heard by Judge Deanne Wilson who is on her way to retiring (?not sure - last time I called there she was still there. Finishing cases? idk) at the time the money was released to me I think it would have been Judge Catherine Langlois who retired upon me contesting this guardianship. hmmm why wouldn't Judge langlois stick around like Wilson is???? just thought of that. What's going on here?