Friday, May 9, 2014

May 8th 2014
 I'm trying to sleep now so I can be up later. Less than an hour into sleep I get woken up by Christine yelling to mom to help her by which mom says for a full hour " I'll be out in a minute. " THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME that Christine yells in frustration but mom doesn't have the energy any more and no one is keeping tabs over this loose cannon who still never got up and I'm deprived of sleep. I need to take...I just took the phone off the hook so I don't get woken again when mom's sister tries to call and although it irked her I told Christine to not yell down the hall again to prevent being woken up again and I'm 1 step closer to death having to drink myself back to sleep because another drink gone is another day gone. STRESS! With the mind of a needy child just like me but to a different degree Christine depends on her caretaker for help but doesn't connect and shouldn't have to consider her caretaker is sick from allergies and never got up to help her. Same happened when Christine came home from respite and mom came back from Ireland. With how much sleeping mom did from that trip I finally saw how much Christine doesn't understand how much mom just can't take care for her like she used to. So back to present mom is sleeping like a log while BOTH her children are suffering from her incompetence. The one who depends on her for care and the one whose sleep problems were never addressed.

There go my fucking plans to sleep til 11pm and be awake all night. Plus side is I'll be awake for the Big Bang theory. I explained to Christine again what she needs to do but she doesn't get it...had she been in appropriate brain injury help long ago maybe it would be different. This time I'm not going back to sleep until mom is up and awake so maybe I'll be leaving here with another 2 measley hours of sleep. Mom is still sleeping like a bump on a log. All mom needs to do is go to her lawyer or court and just say the unsaid that she can't do this anymore. Gee wtf is a life with normal sleep like???? *gun barrel points to the temple and is pulled*
Christine takes orders very well JUST LIKE ME. When she went to go call mom again she started to walk down the hall. I filled in the information she didn't have to BECAUSE I'm awake.
So here I am with my last Vodka ALL IN THE NAME OF SLEEP - the only thing keeping me hydrated til the end. Mom asks Chris a question but because I have volume up to hear TBBT Christine has to yell "what?" in frustration. Mom puts on a tone of voice to calm everyone. Riiiiiggghhtt. Where did she get that from? The same school where she learned how to stress everyone out???
So I'm fucking sitting here watching TBBT and mom wants to know ... emotional moment coz penny just said she'd marry leonard ... why the phone isn't working. I scream as I go hang up the phone I took off the hook so I wouldn't be woken up again. As I come back out driving home the point Christine starts screaming for me to shut up. SHE DOESN'T GET THE POINT. mom takes advantage of the situation for Christine to calm down. SLAP THIS OLD IRISH OLDIE BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM. This has always been an inappropriate existance for these handicapped children. Some of us were more obvious than others.
Aunt Maureen is talking to mom about the time mom had a medical condition in which I was called about it BUT NEVER CLAIRE. WHY NOT??? I just reminded mom of how if this were a job i'd be fired for lack of performance due to lack of sleep. Get rid of this woman already. My lack of sleep hurt me in highschool due to my boyfriend at the time who couldn't let me go and threw rocks at my window. That's what I'm referring to ... I've lost all track of thought by now.

May 7th 2014
There is so much stress in this house with us being left alone with mom being left alone. One thing mom does is keep asking why even though she's been provided an answer multiple times. (Nice example I was taught how to get thru life). So yesterday she asks me what's happening with the job offer even though I already told her and explained she asks why again. STRESS. When I return to spirit soon the same thing is going to happen and Christine is the one left with the stress. Her sister that lives here in usa badgers her sometimes to get a grip and manage things better but mom blows her off with excuse after excuse and defensiveness after defensiveness - same she does with me and same monster she created in me that Claire and Rich have found the eggs and balls to bring me to my end. Keeping comfortable and waiting for the end. It's the final countdown w/o intervention.
Christine is upset and defensive now. mom tells her... there's a small lip that if pulled back reveals an ocean of problems that can't be conveyed mobile if at all.
Drug addict 1 mom is talking to drug addict 2 Claire but drug addict 1 is not competent to comprehend what's happening with the dying child. I have to wonder if christopher sleeps down in the basement like Claire originally intended so that she didn't have to be quiet with robodick on the 3rd floors. Oopsy! Menopause set in. Mom is debating whether to go to Ireland again. And that's the way it goes that she doesn't learn from her mistakes. Why doesn't she stay in her house over there. Oh she's talking about a vacation even here. I wonder if Claire asks if i'm still alive? Have you talked to ur oldest son lately? That is sooooo far fetched from the sister and daughter life mom knows she's just putting on an act for what she's accepted in life. So Claire's having a barbeque for mother's day. That's actually the day right around I'm supposed to be dead.

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