Saturday, May 10, 2014

Edited; Silence from Family even after this plea sent; and recent; and more family dialogue astronomically out of touch with my medical life

May 19th 2014
I woke up today from the garage door closing. I had woken up a few times prior but not sure why. Right around the time Christine gets home I hear the garage door open. I hear someone come in downstairs and then hear mom's car pull in the garage. I comment to Christine it's rare she and mom get home the same time. Christine tells me mom just drove her home. I ask why. Christine relates a problem she ran into today at shop. When mom comes in I ask her if she missed her physical therapy today (being that she had to go get Christine). She says she went to PT and then to get Christine followed by "what the hell is wrong with you?" (ROT IN HELL BITCH. I'M A STRESSED OUT DISABLED CHILD WHO THE LAST THING I NEED IS THE STRESS OUT THERE TO FOLLOW ME HOME).  I'm silently stung for a minute and say "what's wrong is what Christine just told me. You were able to fit both in?" Then I give her a rundown about everything she has wrong. Another episode like this happens as mom is struggling to prepare the dinner (going on and on and on about how difficult and impossible it is). I had one of those brain injury moments as I took over some of the responsibilities of not being able to hold back (flashes in my head of Claire and Rich's stupidity that I go on like this outside my mother's home with anyone else other than mom. FUCKING STUPID. FUCKING SAVE THIS LIFE FROM THE DISCRIMINATION THAT HAPPENED AT MORRIS COUNTY SURROGATE'S COURT.) And I'm thinking why mom was so annoyed is that this has happened before (based on new things I've observed in this house) but mom is more than annoyed there's someone here to witness it. Christine can witness it but as far as expressing it, it doesn't happen for a multitude of reasons that come along with developmental issues as well as a the type of injury.

Guy about my house said I'd hear back Friday so I said I'd call him Saturday if I haven't heard. Still haven't heard back but I have faith he's looking into it. Am going to try to find out again tomorrow.

May 18th 2014
I must be the only one who gets it. Claire is telling mom to make a huge salad lasting for the week for weight loss meanwhile if Claire witnessed mom's physically degenerative problems she would NOT say that. Christine is oblivious to how much mom has slowed and continues asking for things same as she did 20 years ago. I depended on mom just the same with the same oblivion thruout the years but it's being used against me and I'm discriminated against.I need to keep this in mind next time I think of bringing myself back from the dead. IT'S OVER. FACE THE FACTS. YOU WERE MOM'S THROW AWAY EXPERIMENT. THE OFFSPRING THAT BECAME THE THROWAWAY  IN AMERICA.

I'm a dog person and I trust their instincts. I'm not sure why the neighbor's dog doesn't trust me.  This is a neighbor that helped my mother out a bit during the 2 week power outage of Hurricane Sandy. Does the dog sense the angel of death around me? Do they sense the complete chaos I'm in and don't know what to make of it? I know it can't be read 100%. For instance, when a group of us were standing at Occupy many people would go by with their dogs and out of all of them one particular dog really cuddled up to me above anyone else whereas my fellow occupier was like "she REALLY likes you!" Tonight I had food in a container in my hand though coz we were just coming back from eating out (since I wasn't driving I ordered a Shirley Temple with double the Vodka but on the first drink got totally jipped on the vodka - I just never said anything and that's the bizarre way in our household. It helped me sleep for an extra 2 hours which makes my total sleep for the day about seven hours which is good news.) so the dog took it's time in smelling the food container but that was about it. hmmm

Running out of ideas who to spread my blog to.

May 17th 2014
For the record: my vzn msgs of my house phone which only save for ten days prior to July 2013 have been lost due to Svc interruption May 10th 2014. I was holding onto those msgs as evidence something fishy is going on with the phone company after announcing my final road trip in July. I noted about this in my postings July/August 2013.
Time will tell if I brought myself back from the dead correctly. Last I checked urine seems to be returning to normal. And this is all to see if I'm going to die with atleast some equity.

I'm on a roll about this tonight for some reason

May 16th 2014
Today's intake: ice cream for breakfast; ice cream for lunch; flavored Lipton noodles for dinner; one on-the-vine tomato; one jolly rancher; various ice cubes to suck on at different times.

got some clarification on the house situation; things are looking up in that front.

Sleep heals headaches. Sucking on ice cubes heals dizziness. Looked into selling my house today to someone I trust but need to call coz something on text messaging didn't make sense to me. If I'm going to be able to retrieve my important stuff in time I would need to take a fair share of watermelon, kiwis, strawberries, tomatoes, nut mix, sips of water, coffee for the drive, alcohol to sleep like a normal person coz dont know how many days I'd be away. Saw Christine get off the bus today and again the lift was used. She has those needs being met thru social media while I'm waiting to die while oblivious is here incompetent to take care of medical needs. Intake later on: 1/2 a chicken cutlet cooked on stove skillet, 2 tea cups of ice water, 2 tea cups of cranberry juice, 1 red apple w/o the skin [will help me stay alive longer if I'm going to finally take care of my house and not lose my equity - my pee is getting scarcer - always a safe remedy will be alfalfa tablets later for some stamina and minerals].

chest pains

May 15th 2014
Terry was a candidate for further treatment of getting better and was making progress. I know how that goes - same for Christine whose wishes are being ignored by all but me. If there was nothing more to help a doctor would say exactly that. Pay attention Aunt Maureen and stop fucking with a life you don't take care of.

Today's intake: nothing. I sucked on an ice cube discarding the water left behind before I went to sleep this morning. In a little while I'll be going in to buy myself 2 gallons of ice cream. That's really all I'm in the mood for. Mom is tired of supporting me financially and I don't blame her. She  could only give me a ten and I said "well that will cover ice cream but not gas." She let me know that she buys ice cream 2 for $5. As she was driving home the point about saving money I said forcefully to wake her up "I'm dehydrated! You're going to bury me in ten days." Her response was "fine!" as if she's sick of hearing this (not necessarily the boy who cried wolf syndrome) but I have to wonder if she's at peace taking on Claire's Way International mentality of that I'm responsible for my choices in life. Now if you put the following into the context of a six year old developing brain, nice going Sherlock:

3rd helping of ice cream and honey.

May 14th 2014
Early am hours: I've lost my appetite in the past few days. I guess that's one of the stages how the body takes care of itself. For the past few days I notice I'm Ok with one meal a day. Yesterday I had had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so by the time dinner came around I ate it but not really sure why. That happened one day previous to this. Today the only thing I ate was a portion of shrimp with lobster sauce that came with dry pork fried rice. The rice is sitting in the fridge. I had some spoonfuls of honey for energy. I had had stomach rumblings of hunger but they went away with ice chips. I have some hunger now but I guess these Jolly Ranchers are taking care of it.I just can't stand the thought of losing my house which goes into tax foreclosure in June and I don't even know what that means. I'm not in love with my house. It's my equity though. Oh and I'm going to lose yet another thing for all the negligence bestowed upon my life? nah.

twitching in my left calf.

Late PM hours:
Today's intake: pieces of ice; a lightly buttered and lightly toasted roll mom got from Dunkin Donuts but it was to hard for her so gave to me and I added jelly but didn't finish the last bite; a banana; 2 kiwis; about 7 slices of a skinned green apple; honey for energy; jolly ranchers. I'm just not hungry and when I smelled the aroma of Chinese food yesterday it made me nauseous.

MORE UNDERWEAR HANGING - i have to piece all this together some other time but these are just some lovely attitudes I've had to put up with at Occupy Syracuse that are a complete disconnect. I grew up with people telling me to move on while Statutes of Limitations in handicapped children's lives flew out the window (just one example why you don't just let things slide). Cindi is especially guilty because I spent the most time with her. She consciously knew the sh*t coming out of her mouth. I have more info than the next 3 paragraphs but here's just a clue for now as I run out of laptop power:

Everything was normal:
Cindi Smith    11:21am Jul 3
fb has been acting funny ever since it went public. everyone seems to ge having trouble with it lately. here is what is happening to me...... sometimes when i post it wont let me, or if i click on a link it wont connect or the page wont load. or if you try to comment it doesnt show and sometimes you end up posting twice. are these the things that are happening to you? if so i wouldnt sweat it much. i think they are charging costomers for like special treatment. i assume they are not having this issue. i think they are screwing the rest of us so we will sign up to pay. not me. ohh also sometimes i cant even connect..... hope that helps
Conversation History
Occupied Newbie   
Occupied Newbie    10:46am Jun 23
lol get lost!
Cindi Smith   
Cindi Smith    10:46am Jun 23
sometimes im quick like that
sometimes its a fail
Occupied Newbie   
Occupied Newbie    9:06am Jul 3
cathy i'm testing to see if this works. i see all other people posting but not me. is my page being hacked?
And then SNAP but it was the build up from a preconceived notion I was racist based on me posting "I'm tired of white people having to walk on egg shells decades after the Civil Rights Movement." - paraphrase (to be cited specifically still).

July 7 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "crackers....." this remark in response to my post was tainted by the supposed racism I suffer from.

July 7 2012 Cindi Smith also commented on her link.
Cindi wrote: "well those women put up a good fight for your right to ignorance. maybe hard for you to get, but the post was about them and what they did for us . but as usual you took it to be about you and felt the need to defend yourself. but whatever we have been down this road to many times allready. how many days are left for you here ? will you even be here in november? i dont understand your need to respond every time i post about voting. or why you would take so lightly what these women did for you." No it was called DIALOGUE sweetie.

July 7 2012 Romeo Boogieman (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Romeo wrote: "*starts clapping slowly then immediately faster and really loud*"

July 7 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "Well said cindi"

July 8 2012 Cindi Smith also commented on her link.
Cindi wrote: "i dont agree with the electorial college bullshit either. but you act like child who wanted ice cream, then stomps her feet cause there are no sprinkles on it. you want change vote for it. you spend 24/7 being an activist and then dont do what really helps change, what does that say about you? wake up Occupied Newbie and be the change you want to see. or dont thats your choice but aguing with me on my page everytime i post, isnt something you should feel obligated to do. you didnt see me commenting on your idiotic racist posts that you have made. why? cause i figure your stupidity speaks for itself. maybe you should think about my pro-voting posts in the same light? perhaps." So because I wasn't into this particular cause, I'm not for the cause of Occupy. hmmmm

July 8 2012 Cindi Smith also commented on her link.
Cindi wrote: "no how bout we just dont go back down this road of stupid again hows that" I must have been trying to explain the disabled communities' plight and how it ties in with Occupy?

July 8 2012 Cindi Smith also commented on her link.
Cindi wrote: "sorry but im really not interested in driving with you down your selfpity road today." Gosh the chance for a real cause was right there and as she stared right at it couldn't see it.

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "Well done cindi!"

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "Yes Occupied Newbie i i know you are unwavering in your "poor me" bullshit. " Nice Occupy protection for the disabled. Complete disconnect

July 8 2012 Romeo Boogieman (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Romeo wrote: ""poor me"- Everybody hates me nobody loves me..."

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "Everything is seemingly about you.....everything. I made a joke about buying something at the mall and you went on and on about how you do what you have to wah wah wah.....i didnt say what i wanted to then i will. I lived in the fucking woods with a leaking tent with 2 other people facing theft, police, fire depart. And railroad authority. And complained less then you. You talk about how much you have to budget your money, dont buy shit at the mall. My money ration was what ever i could get people to give me while i held a sign. I lived on cheap breads and cheap lunch meats and soup kitchens. I seemed to magically not have to buy anything from anywhere other than a grocery store...." very good if you don't have the history of waking up in childhood in a hospital and dealing with the load I did as well as going through life with misdiagnoses and untreated medical conditions.

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "You have so much power over you situation but you only make excuses on why you cant and solicit sympathy from others in these horrendous "i only have so long to live" tirades you go on. You compare your struggle to racism something you know nothing about from th things you say and go off on keisha every time she gets an opportunity. I think you need to get the fuck over yourself." Again exaggeration helps a person's argument every time. I just like to stick to the facts.

July 8 2012 Trista Colatruglio also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Trista wrote: "i would think what you Occupied Newbie spent at the mall you could of gotten alot more at a store.Angel braught cake to save everyone money." I did not know that. I got there before she got there. Then when I was conversational she hit the roof over her tainted view of me starting with what Dave merely questioned if I'm a racist. These 3 ladies took what Dave proposed and RAN WITH IT.

July 8 2012 Cindi Smith also commented on her link.
Cindi wrote: "all this drama on my page i guess i can turn of the housewives of new jersey now. looks like we got the housewives of occupy syraucuse. lol what the hell was bravo thinking? all the drama is right here lol"

July 8 2012 Trista Colatruglio also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Trista wrote: "If you Occupied Newbie are going to run out of money soon maybe its time to stop the take out and hit the soup kitchens.Then when you have run out you will have a stash of money for the things you need." Soup kitchens are in an environment I'm not used to navigating in which is something you don't do to a brain injured as well as too many people and too much noise as well as my physical disabilities of standing on line that long for food. I know disability abuse when I see it but also know these arses were not educated in it. The more I tried to explain it the more they said I was in a pity party. OK.

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "wtf? unless you cased a disturbance at any of the soup kitchens than there is no reason why you can't go. and still the 5-10 you spend on take out can spent on soup, and bread and cheap meat. and eat for days!"

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "no, honey you go to the store and you buy it as needed.......if i could do it with a back pack and broken leaking shoes i wpould think you can do it with a car. and since meat is off your list stick to beans and veg soups in c ans so they last"

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "this is exactly what i mean you are coming up with excuses because you dont want to help yourself. you want people to feel sorry for you. people have it worse and do much more than you, step back and stop focusing so much on your problems and realize it's not just about you. don't worry a lot of people get to the point that they feel it cant get any worse we just do something about it or shut up. and now i await your reply because i know that you also always have to have the last word."

July 8 2012 Maria Angel Bedell-Face (friends with Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears) also commented on Cindi Smith's link.
Maria Angel wrote: "i did it for 4 years it's called survival. and if shit was really as bad as you say it is than that is the mode you should be in. i had a varried diet. even in survival mode. i am sorry i am done listening to you whine about how hard your life is with a dependable roof over your head and scads of people who tried to help you. you choose this for yourself plain and simple."
Bravo! to 3 women and father of children all raising or had raised children completely abusive to the disabled.

Cindi Smith    8:58am Jul 10
    once again Occupied Newbie you are draging me in to all of your drama. that post was between you and me. i cant be responsible for the fact that they jumped in............ all while it was happening im thinking to my self .omg why doesnt she just stop talking??? everytime you spoke they jumped on it.... and still you kept posting???? i couldnt believe it!! as far as me keeping it public?? you put it out there knowing quite well that it was public......... seriously an apoligy......... dont hold your breath

July 10 2012 I won't be holding my breath. Welcome to my pity party (a.k.a. education of the REAL problem when it's too late to do anything): "Right lobe damage can cause persistent talking"

In case you don't recognize it, subjects like this belong as part of Occupy Wall Street. We are the human subjects not paid for the research that is so valuable to those making money off of us.


Trista didn't know or chose not to know that I was not a facebook fan. The only reason I was on facebook was because Occupy Syracuse put all their event postings on there and if I didn't want to miss out I had to join. I didn't even know how to get rid of a post. The post was taken down upon my request from Melanie who is like the glue of Occupy Syracuse and looked up to by many.

Dave Kashmer commented on your status.
Dave wrote: "Good advice Michael. We all need to co-exist and be reminded of it. But you need to know some of us have lived a very hard life and for her to bringing up hurting issues is wrong. Occupied Newbie has been told about this over and over again. What are we to do?" Dave after all this time and all the info I've put together do you now see? I got in touch with Occupy Disabled distinctly because of the abuse handicapped people such as myself have had to put up with at Occupy which is like an oxymoron. Occupy is the last place people like me should be treated like this. Maybe now you have an idea of the abuses we put up with in the state so the last place we would expect abuse is Occupy.

Michael wrote: "I hope I won't regret putting my 2 cents in here, but I'm seeing a whole group of people being unkind and vindictive. Yes, I think Occupied Newbie has been bullied and ridiculed. I read the posts she's talking about about and it reminded me of the video of the bus monitor being bullied by teenagers. People don't seem to want to take into account that Occupied Newbie is an intelligent, committed woman who is also the survivor of a serious traumatic brain injury that does affect her judgment. And, Occupied Newbie, you will need to learn when to let things go and stop reopening wounds and stop counter-attacking with nasty accusations before you will find some peaceful ground for coexistence. People - please choose your words carefully. Do these messages reflect the just and kind world we want to create? Thank you Michael M-Y for your kindness (and I know it comes from living with someone with a TBI. I wish I had access to my own messages here but I don't. I'm not sure what nasty accusations I was supposedly counter-attacking with.

Dave wrote: "Occupied Newbie, chill before you bust a vein. You are harassing Cindi and that is no joke." REALLY. I was harassing Cindi???? hmmmmm

Trista Colatruglio commented on your status.
Trista wrote: "Wow Occupied Newbie your a joke! You posting this just shows how stupid you can really be.We at os are gald you lefted cause you were not there for the real cause you were there for the fight to get you a porta potty. You are attacking the wrong person and you are thinking your cool but you have no idea what is going to be said about you.what you wrote about cindi is nothing like what people are going to start saying about you so if you want it to end just stop and grow up!" Really now...I wasn't there for the real cause...just coz I talked and complained alot about losing the porta potty doesn't mean it was the only reason I was there. I can't tell you how difficult it is being handicapped, living in your car in Syracuse conditions, and needing a basic of a place to pee. I think I'm cool? Ok complete disconnect. 

Exaggeration always helps a persons argument. I don't know what this woman is talking about that I argue on her page every time she posts. Furthermore I was giving my input and dialoging with the one person who I interacted with the most at OS but that's where I'm vulnerable in being able to read a cue of whether it's one-way or two-way. My below dialogue with Keisha answers her other disconnect.

Jul 17, 2012
I don't need a ride to spc but thank you. I don't know if I'm going to go. I've taken a break from everything after the shock and bad taste in my mouth left by certain people at Occupy Syracuse. I'm a specific tree in the forest they represent and they can't see it. Instead I was accused of an eternal pity party and being a drama queen. I understand the people I was dealing with are minimally educated but I keep an open mind to all. This time I got burned because I wound up making a complete ass out of myself based on the tree in the forest they represent (symptoms of a right frontal lobe brain injury I sustained in 1978 - and then the govt/insurance human experimental lab only for all to come to light in the 1990's after statute of limitations and other things are far gone for me to get justice, etc.) The entire exchange also puts my final job possibility on the line (working for spc in Jessica's place). I'm instead fully engulfed in taking my trip across the country  which is on my bucket list - I will not survive in NYS without a job and I have Surrogate Court corruption in returning to NJ. Cathy blew me away by summarizing all these things I have going on as "drama." Even if it is drama in one person's mind, it's an attitude that doesn't belong in the Occupy movement because it's a tree in the Occupy forest.

Sorry if I sound like a sod. Perhaps my best way of expressing things is pathetic.

Occupied Newbie

--- On Tue, 7/17/12,

    To: "Occupied Newbie"
    Date: Tuesday, July 17, 2012

    Michael M-Y   Jul 16
    Hope you can come Tuesday. Let me know if you need a ride.

Jul 19, 2012
Hi Michael,

I just got your phone number from Ursula. I just left you a message. I have a situation that I'd like to either email you on or call you on. I don't know what your work schedule is so I hope I didn't interrupt you at work.

It's about a situation that happened back in May that I spoke to Dave about. As you can see from the conversation with Cindi and Angel, I'm not good with answering questions under tense situations and this is an insurance situation I need to answer on. I will do what Dave told me but there's more to it than that. I got a call from the insurance today and need to call them back but would like to ask your advice beforehand.
I may try calling you again later.


Occupied Newbie

--- On Tue, 7/17/12,

    Subject: New message from Michael M-Y
To: "Occupied Newbie"
    Date: Tuesday, July 17, 2012
    Tara, I'm so sorry you were treated poorly. I...   
    Michael M-Y    Jul 17
    ON, I'm so sorry you were treated poorly. I want you to know that I have a great deal of respect and admiration for you, for your abilities, your thinking, and your determination. Some people don't understand how extraordinary it is to overcome such obstacles as you have. If I was present when you were mistreated, I would speak up and I hope, over time, to address these issues in MTA. I understand your desire for a break, but please don't put yourself down. If you want a friend to talk with about your situation, I'm here (outside of work hours, now. If you do head out on a journey, please let me see you before you go. Michael

Aug 1 2012:  Keisha there's been a major misunderstanding. I guess I'm understanding from Angel that you felt I "went off on" you. I'm so sorry. There's some misunderstanding I'm racist meanwhile I had a conversation with my Harlem, NYC friend who was doing what NYC'ers do referring to all the different ethnic groups. I told him to not go to Occupy Syracuse and say that or else they'll call him a racist. He said to me "I can say that because I'm black. You can't say that because you're white." EXACTLY MY POINT. I'm so sorry Keisha if you feel I went off on you. I remember expressing my disappointment about the type of paying job you're in that I am supposed to be making and I don't know if that is what you're referring to but I didn't mean it like that. I don't know if you know about Special Funds no-fault insurance but that's my tree in the forest represented by those that ganged up on me and turned me away from Occupy Syracuse. One of those people posted adult things coming out of the mouth of babes and she can't see that I'm one of those babes (not with shootings) but a slew of other stuff and all I am is a Special Funds no-fault insurance write-off while I've been stripped of my life potential (it's way more involved than that). If I don't hear back from you, take care of yourself. Occupied Newbie

Keisha Marie Perdeathia Spears    3:58am Aug 6
no problem thanks
Conversation History

Occupied Newbie   
Occupied Newbie    3:30pm May 28
keisha i got some message you sent me a request in timeline but I can't access it right now. What is it?
not sure what it means
Occupied Newbie    

Keisha died in October 2013 on a rainy Syracuse night in a car with non-working wipers along with one or all of the other passengers when one accident slid the car into another lane and the fatal hit came from a car that couldn't stop in time (a few hours before a careless California driver rammed into the back of me). At least I have the peace of mind knowing I made peace with Keisha that was raw honesty. Although Trista took over part of Keisha's memorial fund responsibilities she has to live with the lie Keisha died with that was coming from her - assuming she kept up the lie. It's all good though coz when Keisha went to paradise, all this little earthly bs stuff just doesn't take prevalence anymore. Lesson learned: Don't be a lying ass in this life to innocent people by making assumptions about people.

5/28/08 - I may sound off the deep end in some spots but that's supposed to be OK when it comes to family
This is a desperate plea to my educated cousins. What I have to write is almost beyond words. I am drinking to subdue myself from my unfruitful rage that is a symptom of the brain injury I sustained in 1978 when Stephanie died from her injuries (and to this day I still dont have the exact cause of death). I make a plea to my educated cousins to educate my mother (or someone in the family that can help me/her) on the importance of my injury and how it impacts my life. In 1978 I had a broken leg, broken jaw, and in a coma for a month. As an adult my jawbone is deteriorating due to the jawbone being broken (something only found out by surprise during a routine dental visit in 1992). The broken leg never healed right and so I walked around with a bent tibia in my right leg from 1978 until I finally had an osteotomy in 2004. I now have to where a brace for life on the right leg because I only have one working ligament in the leg and you can watch my tibia bone jut out from the front of my leg (a back and forth motion) because it has nothing to hold it into place. The leg got worse and worse over a 15 year period until I had the surgery because the assigned nurse to the case for the insurance (a brain injury specialist since 1982) refused to promise me proper rehab post surgery. Once he was no longer on the case I had an open door for proper rehab post-surgery and got the surgery I needed in 2004. Something that makes this even worse is that my mother is always right there to have me at her house post surgery because she doesn't realize the impact of what proper rehab means AND doesn't want to let go of the apron strings I guess. The insurance loves my mother because she saves them money by doing things completely "idiotic" opposed to proper medical care. I'm not calling my mother an idiot. I sum it up in one of my poems of "my life was fucked up the ass; shattered glass; stained class; child of an immigrant lass...the government had a field day with us; great timing for their experimental stuff..." Being uneducated and not knowing how to navigate the system is one thing and I really dont know how to finish that statement because I'm overwhelmed with the recklessness that has brought me through this life. The symptoms of my right frontal lobe brain injury are deficits in perception, judgement, emotional response, prioritization, initiation, organization, executive functioning which develops in a child's brain at around 6 yrs of age (the age I was right when I was injured). These symptoms I only found out about on my own accord in 1995 and upon hearing these symptoms my entire life post-accident fell into place...all the odd behavior in me that was unobvious but something was just not quite right.  And yes the insurance nurse who was around since 1987 approximately never informed me and knew that I was leaving home to go out into the world and live what I knew to be my normal life. If you dont believe me on the brain injury (which Aunt Maureen doesn't) let me point out Christine who has an obvious brain injury. Christine talks slow because the speech part of the brain is on the side of the brain she was injured on (the left side-and this is obvious when you keep into account that she is paralyzed on her right side- the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body).  I was injured where the, by and large, unobvious things are. My family's uneducation about this is an insurance settlement dream come true. My mother doesn't believe or trust me on a lot of things I say so I make a plea to my educated cousins about this. I have not been around for years probably because of the division caused by my injuries, the lack of justice and education, etc. There's a lot of factors. But I make this plea as yet another attempt at getting justice in my life before you wind up reading about me in the papers. I know that if I open up a murder investigation into my sister Stephanie I will find out all the things I want to know about what happened. My mother doesn't believe me on many things yet I followed her guidance as a child to become educated (only for her years later to deny that she ever told me to go to college). It's simply a matter that she doesn't (or does she?) remember carrying out my father's guidance that we go to college.

May 12th 2014
So it's been a horrible day technology (i.e. mobile-wise) and when claire talked to mom and claire asked if mom was ok and of course mom doesn't share anything going on so she said yes other than her medical problems stating that the doctor said she's got to bring down her weight over her back problems(which is nothing new for all of us lately). So claire gets into watching what she eats and mom eventually says she's not able to do all Claire is saying, that "people have other people to help them but this is all up to me. I don't have anyone to do stuff." NEVER asks for Claire's help. I reminded her again what she needs to do but this time I added that someone in California wanted to talk to her but I explained what mom did with social security before and after I turned 18 so she really doesn't seem competent for me. She started to audibly indicate what NERVE I have and I reminded her again walking her through all the steps of what happened. NO RESPONSE. Claire even commented about Christine's diet. If I were formally involved in Christine's care I know exactly who to speak with and what to say. Why didn't Claire make a suggestion? BECAUSE i KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT KEEP BEING IGNORED TO THE GRAVE BY ALL.

May 11th 2014
Another witness about the psychiatric lie: I haven't had any alcohol since 3 or 4 days ago cold turkey. Keeping in mind how much I was drinking before that I should be dead from a seizure like Amy Winehouse as is claimed. Riiiiiggghht. That's how I got raped by Depakote and then illegally had my mouth checked every day to make sure I swallowed it. I intuitively know dying by a seizure is not in my cards.

Airhead just got off the phone with mom. *gun barrel to temple and pull the trigger. *

just walked by the kitchen hearing mom say her usual to someone that "everyone's fine." as i lay here dying *gun barrel to temple and pull the trigger *

I burst into tears at this point: “At critical points in my life somebody showed me kindness,” - the human side of Hillary Clinton *as I feel condemnation and disconnect from Claire*:

So Christine is not able to put things into context on her own but like me follows directions very well. I just heard her walk down the hall and call mom relative to the incident that happened the other evening (as I lay awaiting death in my bed).
Christine just came down the hall a 2nd time (i love my sweet sister!) and as she walked away i let her know I'm awake and she can yell down the hall (i have no overnight plans anymore so i'm good)
Nice to see I'm not crazy. Eminem is very popular in Ireland too.

there are many different personalities among my mother's six sisters. This one has been the clown of them all making jokes above the others, a kid person that loves kids, and always stood by her belief that money and "the good life" is not necessarily the way to find happiness.  Like many in my family she was with her husband til death did them part. But this text message dialogue reveals "GET THIS AMERICAN GIRL THE HELP SHE APPROPRIATELY NEEDS IN AMERICA OTHERWISE SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN BACK TO IRELAND BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE IN CHILDHOOD." Meanwhile I intuitively know my mother at least at some point was snug in her victory of "having the last laugh;" INAPPROPRIATE CRUELTY AS AT THIS POINT I NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION MOST LIKELY IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO SAVE ME...NOT PSYCHIATRIC...MEDICAL ATTENTION FOR PHYSICAL WELL BEING AND RECUPERATION. This dialogue occurred before I high tailed it across the country for the opportunity to die at home the first time:

Hi Occupied Newbie u seem to be doing  well ith the ancestors u shouls set up a bussines tracing all irish relatives 4 generations im sure u could have website for this xxxlove aunt teresa take care:*

ME: I like ur idea. Now tell mam to finally do sumthing for her other handicapped child (me) so I can work like I'm supposed to or die soon (no joke).

No joke  u should start that web site  im sure u could surprise us all xxx:o teresa

ME: As should be obvious by now I cant do that all by myself and brain injuru research will verify isolation. Part of the problem is NYS. The first part is mam never reaching out for help w me. This trip is my last go around. Kisses back but still no joke.

Hi Occupied Newbie howr u gettin on where are u now mam enjoyed the trip to killarney if u come next yr bring chris an mam and stay here with me we go to moyvane co kerry to meet your ancestor fsamily xxx aunt teresa

ME: This proves as a child I was failed by many. Yet again I run out of resources to keep me alive past the next couple months. 1 of 2 things need to happen. Corruption at the surrogates court needs to b overturned or I need to b hired at$20/hr to pay my $70,000 student loan debt - a direction in life mam gave me not knowimg enough bout the American system and unable to care for my well being. I expect to see u in the spirit world. Not this life. I cant put imto words the stupid neglect that raised me after our accident. No joke.

Hi Occupied Newbie u doing very well now tracing relatives etc u could be very valuable lady to some person or company go to the bank explain ur position try pay them small amount each month maybe u can get job in place where they hire people with wslking problem good luvck love atn teresa xx
Occupied Newbie how are u are u back home the weather here is wet and cold  michael gone to work i miss him round the house take car .ove aunt teresa: ? xx

Hi Occupied Newbie how are u we all ok tg nearly xmas michael says hi his son is 17 years old now are u back home or still travelling take care an have a lovely xmas love aunt teresa xx

ME: Ur sister is incoherent and incapable in many ways. I can only return to the east coast under a situation I can survive under and that's only going to happen at the Surrogate's court. Dont be as incoherent as she is.

ME: Also my mother is acting indifferent that I will die within nine months when my money for survival runs out. It really has been a game of Russian roulette. She wasnt fit for me and Christine after accident. Sorry I woke you but I cant afford to be polite anymore. 

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