Tuesday, April 22, 2014

April 27th 2013
Got the opinion today that the children's hospital I was let go from isnt going to help me because there's nothing in it for them. If that's the case I really need to let go of this life. Something tells me that I was part of a great human experiementation SPECIFICALLY tied in to that hospital. c'mon, one of their branches is under PG&e. If that's not corporatocracy I dont know what is. Then again the opinion also came from someone who erroneously undermined my life by guessing I dont want to work so it doesnt mean they'd be correct about this. I didnt want to let go while my guardian still believes in those self-protecting lies but I really need to let go if the hospital lets me go as a dispensable commodity. if the peeps who dont get this protest still feel the same about me, I'd have to say they're as abusive as what has led me to this point. *needing to let go*... Just babbling at this point...
 April 25th 2013
Ok so now that I've thoroughly looked into that I'm probably a doomed victim of corporate outsourcing and illegal hiring I developed a new knack for reading all about past lives and if it's true your dreams reveal a past life then I'm looking at having 3 elements add up: 1 death in relation to being hanged by the feet 2 a culture that is very colorful 3 lack of interest/bordering on fear of flying. 4th element might be the belief of the soul's reincarnation 3 days after death. Even if reincarnation is not true it's kind of funky to look into!
 April 22nd 2013
I'd like to be a member but cant give anything since I'm on my bucket list and prepared to die soon. No one will hire me even with my bachelor of science degree and what's probably catapulting the no hire is my forced hospitalization followed by inadequate legal counsel.


 April 21st 2013
Still alive stretching out my last dollars and getting a wee bit of help from a donation now and again. After it's gone I'll get word that by some miracle this injured child is considered properly and can return home under conditions that work or this recklessly-treated injured child or will gamble $20 (maybe $40) to try to live a bit longer and head to wait for the end.
April 15th 2013 

had a join-em-if-you-cant-beat-em feeling today so I called up a union to see wut they could do for me. decided not to leave a message when I was greeted by a heavy Spanish accent of an armondo something something. I'll try this again tomorrow calling NY and Nj unions asking the same. probably no need to call Nj unions since I never had a problem getting a job in Nj AND I was never medically held against my will like the lunacy proceedings in ny.
I have to be gone by Friday. Death is that much closer. I have another place to go but that is irrelevant for my disability needs. Of all the SOS signals given thruout my disabled life and no one saving me ' I just don't understand how I wind up paying for all the crimes done to me ' this manager has bosses on his case. He's taking orders. I haven't bothered anyone or done anything wrong. I just stand out due to my handicaps and NY plates ' ' going home really soon. Not the earthly like I kept trying for because ' recklessness and stupidity I guess was my fate all along '
others know about brain injuries from combat say I should just go to Nj and go from there that doesnt sound promising to me - returning without safeguards for the next time my caretaker (my mother)goes undocumented. I'm out of time to find out if my mother claims me as a dependent on her taxes. is that why she's so willing to pay for stuff? I just want to die in peace. it's agreed my mother was stupid to do things how she did.... never mind... much too much too much...so someone got away with being stupid with me long ago. ok congratulations. do something now to save me but do something different than the colossal failure that has brought me here.
it's very clear I want to go to the home where I grew up. it's very clear I was not given adequate support and guidance. it's very clrar... never mind. I have no proof anyone is doing anything. it's very clrar she she didn...
April 13th 2013
Depressed...not about being called rude...it turns out the guy who said I was rude is not the guy who gave me a money donation. On top of the prospect of having to change my environment we're in the company of an ex-gang member who's here to get away from them and I dont care if his homies wind up killing me tonight if they find him and things get ugly here, I'm afraid of getting injured and still being alive.
found out today that at least in Calif there existed remedial education in Catholic school for those who needed it in my generation. wut happened in my particular case is that I was friends with a girl named Raina who was so smart she got into school early and skipped some grades. when my mother tells me she got me into school early I can see wut happened. for some reason they wouldn't let me in early so my mother being fed up with this small town attitude insisted I was ahead and got me in early by taking me to NYC everyday having me use my aunt's address as my own until I turned 5. then she had me finish kindergarten in the public school rather than the Catholic school who denied me admission. 1st grade I was an above average student. that summer I was thrown into a coma. I'm not quite sure how I never got left back. there was a sense of urgency some place to not leave me back a grade ever. when I tested Catholic hs my testing didnt place me in the lowest IQ class so I fell thru the cracks again. I bombed freshman math so sophomore year was put in remedial math which I did so well at that the next year they put me back in reg algebra and I bombed again. Claire's realization of me is going to drop on her head like a tonne of bricks. not only did her son have appropriate homework help, not only did he have a normal brother and home life, not only did he go into an appropriate tech school...when I'm dead my first line of business is to make her good sex husband go impotent and deflate the air in her lungs so she can have at least a clue how right under her clueless nose my life was left to turn into the pile of shit that it did. with the type of stress I have coming at me on Monday I'm contemplate not waiting around so long. our accident was probably a set-up as revenge for my mother proving the schools wrong. lo and behold there's that Rush song about those changes are permanent and my father is at fault while alive but my mother kept it up unmonitored all those years.
me being kept the same w no extra thought has been deemed "not right. the school should have told your parents..." and I agree and wouldn't put it past my parents to decline that advice. I cant remember how old I was when my 8th grade teacher told me she didnt think it was fair they didn't tell me my father was dying. that's probably not all she thought wasnt fair along with many of the other teachers. so help me God the stupidity passed on to the eldest daughter. the air to be deflated from her lungs probably matches the amount in her head and the surrogate Court is just as bad. after taking my shower tomorrow I'll have $148 to keep me alive for a short time more and then I'll be in and out of service areas to hear if justice will be in my life or I'll be comforted by eternity. if I have to leave Monday that $148 goes even quicker.
http://kcra.com/.../174.../19743586/-/syo0c7z/-/index.html this is what this visitor was getting away from if it's true that's why they're here. their not necessarily an ex member. . We have been conscious of the car windows he's been looking in. my hopeful naivety would think he could be checking for weapons. Reality says he's looking to steal. His rear tinted windows SUV type vehicle was still here this morning. He addressed one of us as "homeboy" and then "gramps."
he was in prison for 25 yrs and got out within the past 2 months or so. maybe he's trying to turn his life around which is what gangs dont like. I cant really help him. he just walked by talking to me and I responded I dont know. he just walked by with the soup I traded him for chilli before I knew anything about his history. I kept my distance as usual and here he comes. Just talked to me thru my window saying to go to the church at 10:30. "They have a lot of food." He gets it that I'm not interested in his company but is he telling me that to get me in at a certain time to break into my car? There go my plans for the day. I'm not going in for my shower until something changes here. One of the things he littered (a white bag with things in it) is still there. You ruin yourself if you litter here. I'm now parked directly behind him on the other side of the lot. Dark blue SUV/Jeep type vehicle w tinted windows on the middle and back part and a pretty clear view of the CA plate. A man gave him $ in front of the green van next to him and he went back inside to use it I assume. The same guy that gave him money looks like he's taking video with his phone holding the phone away & talking w white headphones on. Bald white guy. Ex-prisoner just moved his Jeep over there and the engine keeps revving. Now he juat moved it again or drove away. They're both drinking coffee from inside. Ok he's back 3 spots over from where he was hanging out w the bald guy. Bald guy was sharing white earphones with him and then gave him the whole device to use and they're talking/hanging. They were joined by another white guy in shorts and the ex gang and him walked to go inside and I'm guessing the bald guy joined them. Just exgang and shorts came back and cant see them now coz there's a truck in the way blocking most of the blue jeep. Looks like he handed him his wallet or $ or both w ex gang's drivers side door open. Now they just made a left out of pkg lot and left but green van still here. Bald guy just got inside MoM truck driver's side and I'm moving car and doing shower and laundry
Found out yesterday that an older guy who gave me a money donation said I was rude. Have no idea where that comes from. It's probably his best guess with my NY plates. Actually I was very gracious to him and spoke highly of him. His donation allowed me to buy another bottle of apple cider vinegar which should last me 2 Weeks, a pack of cigarettes which will last me 3 Weeks because I only use 1 cigarette a day to help me sleep (sometimes 2) and canned goods to give back to the person here who has been so gracious to me. What was I to think? I was so thankful to him and when I was gone the next day he asked for me only but there's other people in need here. He hasnt spoken to me since and offered his home to others saying I was rude. WHAT?? whatever. I asked the other what was the vibe they got the day I was gone and it wasnt good. I said I'd keep it in mind. We came to call him my stalker. Ok so I go down in history as rude. Just like Claire who raised her kids around a certain ethnicity that have a rep for being rude so she compares me to them because she can only see as far as her eyesight will go AS WELL AS her inability to know her family. Whatever whatever whatever. A disabled child left to be strewn about by a reckless family and a failed society. No thanks for the added stress old guy. Next time you spoke to me I was going to tell you I need a job not handouts but I'm gracious for your help. Whatever!
April 12th 2013
I see that my mothers sister is following me online. Well aunt Maureen this is very serious and beyond your understanding of my American life. Things just got worse that I need to prepare to change my environment again next week which has become earth shattering doing so all by myself. The towel is getting closer. These uneducated women better do something. Things just got worse. The people in my life that it seems God made sure were here cant control everything. You better hurry up aunt Maureen. Me mentioning Edward Michaels highlights the shit I'm left to rot in while no one takes appropriate care of my life. I'm not kidding you! You can't give my mother proper advice coz you dont carry the load she does. I'm not kidding you about my death if there's not appropriate intervention. 
it's not like I dont know what I'm talking about. my cousin lived here illegally from Europe for a while. he came, worked making lots of money installing hardwood floors and then went back at his own free will. while he was here my mother got her hardwood floors installed cheaper coz it's family and I'm STILL waiting to die because I have no one taking care of me and cant get someone to hire me.
Eddie Michael went back, got married, has kids, ran the family business for a while. free to move around Europe, and when this last bunch of money I have goes I have enough money to get back to the east coast in a justified Surrogate's Court situation, a job that will keep me atleast at snorkeling level, or return to the universe.
hmmm my post with 90 comments is gone? time to repost them all tomorrow I guess. I'm not dying w/o it being known why.
Found out that in CA when new manager discovered 4 Mexican workers had same social security # mngr said "I wont have this" and company said "then I guess you need to go find another job." That they did. many immigrants (undocumented) do work for under min wage but there's no way I can get away w that based on my residency, etc.
http://www.nytimes.com/.../05/business/05immigration.html... for the legal Americans who wont work these jobs but are able to, give them no choice but to work them. disabled competent workers can work! 
http://www.pbs.org/.../illegal_immigrants_no_real_thr_11... *gasping for my native north America air*
http://www.cusmia.com/QuickFacts.php hey Claire remember being all for Ross Perot because of NAFTA? another piece proving your intellect when it comes to your OWN family. you were born into an evil bunch huh?
http://www.thenation.com/.../undocumented-immigrants... and I'm very sorry but the price of your "work crime" makes my disability a crime.   

it's not like I dont know what I'm talking about. my cousin lived here illegally from Europe for a while. he came, worked making lots of money installing hardwood floors and then went back at his own free will. while he was here my mother got her hardwood floors installed cheaper coz it's family and I'm STILL waiting to die because I have no one taking care of me and cant get someone to hire me.


April 11th 2013
Hire me! Hire me! Hire me! Hire me! Before it's too late hire me! I'm more than worth the $13/hr part time because I do fulltime work! Hire me!
my ability to get the work done they want thru my training, dedication, and persistence. hurry up before my time runs out! B.S. in technical communications; qualified to do help desk; love people nationwide; the list goes on. in all honesty I've been so patient with demands and parameters that I will die soon without a job. hurry up and hire me before time runs out!!

April 8th 2013
Sometimes the goodness in people is abundantly clear when it's obvious you're in need. Sometimes it's not obvious how the universe works but somehow you wind up around people knowing God probably made that happen.

I just applied for work in a way which clearly indicates I just cant tell the employer what they're looking to hear. I stated my case honestly and honesty is not going to save this sinking ship. I have a flash back of when a career counselor once told about a guy who got out of prison and on a job app said he'd been working for NYS govt and it was never questioned and he was in a secure career. Funny part about me is that I never committed a crime for the prison I live in. was just the passenger of a car raised in an inappropriate situation that does not reflect my job performance.
Fyi my mother has stated she's not going to do whatever she doesnt have to do thus if the Court doesnt tell her to live up to parental obligation etc she's not doing sh*t. The uneducated loose cannon doesnt know the meaning of pro se. I only have so much time.
April 7th 2013
Depressed...actually not worth typing about. Reminder no marriage, no kids, no career. Karma's boomeranging on someone bigtime and it aint me.
April 5th 2013
Masonic illuminati on history channel and secret societies. Rip jfk.
April 3rd 2013
One of these days I'm going to snap and tell these Mexicans striking up a conversation w me who speak broken English that I'm waiting to die in this country I was born in coz I cant get hired in this country I was born in coz jobs are going to other countries and illegal immigrants in this country. Hell I'm willing to work fulltime w/in social security guidelines but that's below minimum wage which is illegal in this country so I cant even get ahead that way. W all due respect, go the fuck home, fuck NAFTA, and let me live you ablebodied alien!
 Received a call from hr for an interview for an entry level position at the hosp I was in as a child. Said I need a phone interview. She said there's a lot of applicants for the position and will let them know/ask them and call me back if it is. Que sera sera.

April 1st 2013
Research assignment: who was located on floor six tower I and II of the WTC when they fell?

and what did it contain which is most likely the reason the govt wont comment on it? insider information alert.

Kevin Montanye it's the end of my life. Although my welfare doesnt hinge on you, by never speaking to me again and playing dodgeball where ever my existence was, losing my environment cold turkey was unrecoverably destructive. I guess you also thought I'd never find out that there's no way you'd be specialized trained as a cav scout if you're a weekend warrior. My God I made sure you got to college yet you convinced urself I had no life before you, was the preacher's daughter type, used reverse psychology in isolating me from my friends, and I'm the one left with no marriage, no kids, and no career. The first fight you and Maria had was the same reverse psychology bullshit you used on me. How do I know? You called me up after you and her had ur first fight and I told you to give the girl a break. I guess she's still with you because she's the good girl you always wanted. I never would have gone for my kids not seeing their grandmother over personal grievances like you did. And you didnt post pics of ur son because he looks like you. When I tell you how dead wrong you were abot me wrong applies to you and dead applies to me now that you've sucked the life right out of me. So you just cant accept what the Davenport side of the family looks like. One of them became a tennis champion. Not having my father around as you threw rocks at my window because you just couldnt let go is a large part of what did this life in. you never got me coz you dont get urself and u never will. Ur first fight with Maria was ur misgiving of her being polite yet ur the politest person people know. My dad would have saved me from what my life turned into. You dont even have the decency to own up to you being wrong about the undiagnosed life you helped ruin. My life never would have come to this had my father been alive or my mother atleast started dating again. Maybe you understand things better now that you have kids. some day we'll know how we ever crossed paths. Until then it's a cosmic accident.
March 26th 2013

sitting here crying watching this video. I just don't have the energy for this game anymore I just want to work. Even if I ace this game, then I have to get through an interview (another game). After that I have to make it thru the social heirarchy game, and on and on...I need to be home coming full circle with my injured sister who deserves so much more than living with mentally retarded, etc just because she has a brain injury. She was a straight A student before a car accident. She deserves so much more *exhale* http://skillstoachieve.com/yes-yes-resume-formula

$15.80/wk sleeping med, $9.54/wk daily coffee, $20/wk gas. my $300 left isnt going to last 2 months (outside of money to get home). money left w/o paying credit cards is only $10-$50/mo(no exact calculation yet). I can try getting a job with a bad credit report. I can hope collectors wont garnish wages.

March 25th 2013
Have to do more research on it but ironically it looks like one of my infamous bullies in high school stacy a kaditus had a family member who was an attorney and what threw me last night was a listing popped up as a truck accident attorney which drives home the point I was surrounded by apathetic drug addicts who did nothing to save a life. In hs Stacy literally had a drug problem sent away to MN for treatment. She said being there wasnt so bad because they let you smoke. At the time her parents had fallen out of love sleeping in separate rooms but staying together for the kids. She would joke about being Lithuanian but at that age hard to tell it was a joke (if). Terra maggio is the one who let me know some people thought I was on drugs (undiagnosed brain injury in inappropriate schooling). Those claiming I'm living in the past better wake up to a cold case unsolved file looking back at them. Solve it before I become another part of it...I'm not sure if Stacy went to MN because of family in the Midwest or the mayo clinic or both. Her Uncle may have been a corporate Atty instead. I have enough to buy me apple cider vinegar, garlic cloves, pepper, herbs, and gas and not sure how long it will last me. Like my mother I'm not good with planning. My mother is not good with accepting or communicating. Speaking of which, Stacy lives 1 or 2 Towns over from my clueless, undiagnosed older sister that the Court has granted sole guardianship to. Again this is not a dwelling in the past but rather an above average long term memory and an unsolved case with gross negligence involved. Maybe corruption is a better phrase than negligence.

and 1 shower a week and hair dye, etc
what's probably happening is that Claire let the insurance case worker know I could be found on Facebook and she's reading everything building a case against my mother or seeking to have the case closed. Claire doesnt know that the series of events leading to the police assaulting me all started with that woman threatening to close the case and then falsely telling the hospital I was imprisoned in that the insurance doesnt cover that kind of care. that's why Claire needs to deal directly with the INS and not this piece of trash nurse who's originally from Troy NY or thereabouts and doesn't belong in nj.
March 23rd 2013
despite my grave outlook -not sure if there's a pun there but if so it's intended- I'm in good spirits today after getting back in touch with a friend after 12 years. This is one of those really intelligent people who could have it all but last I knew just wants enough. As I was re-aquainting myself with their outlook I found myself chuckling and saying "you're so occupy!"
Tonights dinner was canned sweet green peas w spam & a clove of garlic chopped in. TOO MUCH INFORMATION ALERT: constipation sucks!
March 20th 2013
Bad food is putting me in a bad mood. Let's see the nutritional value for tonight's dinner: http://www.livestrong.com/article/454283-do-canned-peas-have-any-nutritional-value-at-all/
not too bad tasting but still not my full meal. once I had to start eating this crap got sick with what I guess is seasonal allergies. never had anything like that til I lived in govt housing downtown syracuse. green mint tea cured all my symptoms but cant buy that without $$$. one food pantry included Chinese oolong tea which is a good thing. the bad part was I took 1 bite from the power bar before I noticed its expiration date was 2011.
 it's actually easier to die this way. I'm hating life living like this. instead of having natural or somewhat natural peanuts to snack on before sleep I had to have some canned chili w beans. gross as a snack. threw out the portion sticking to the sides of the can.
this sucks. guessin I woke up at 2:20 coz I couldnt breathe w this "cold" doesn't helpthat I dont have a usual sleep aid due to $$. had another place say they wouldnt help me coz I'm single and they only help families.

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