Thursday, April 24, 2014

January 24th 2013
How precious to get in touch with old friends. Love reawakens in your heart that's been hibernating all these years. Cant change the path of the past 20 yrs but if only now. Now I will lay me down to sleep and pray death to come and give me peace. If anyone can save me I'm all ears. If not I still hold u very dear.
my wish never comes true. still here. it's possible spiritually to stop the heart. This is absolutely surreal what my mother is getting away with and it all comes down on me for remaining silent all these years while she painted a rosy picture. received 2nd call since September about a job possibility in syracuse. I'm out of time for possibilities. called them back and told them the guarantees I need knowing I was gambling my reputation with that company. they probably called me about some bottom of the barrel job that they cant find anyone else for. Greg you know that is so far from where I belong. Erin said it - I needed a plan provided for me. She should know. Her mother was there as we were wheeled into the emergency room. SOS!
January 23th 2013 
Went to sleep with the usual feeling "as I lay me down to sleep I pray death to give me peace" and got woken up with the opportunity to die. I got assaulted by police under those same groggy conditions similar to Madeline McCann being kidnapped while she was sleeping. I woke up to my car shaking. Got out to find a car load of homies had backed into me and there's a significant scratch on my bumper. Maybe the damage is worse don't know. Another car full of homies next to them was yelling out "yeah a Honda. You got insurance...go back to sleep..." The driver that hit me didn't take off but after they left I listened to the voice inside that said "take off and dont ever come back." I could have had a knife or gun pulled on me had I made an issue of it but was too asleep and too vulnerable out here in the world with no protection. I could have finally been at peace tonight but now instead I'm displaced yet again about 7 miles up the highway but atleast back where where I used to be. Death is better than changing my environment but I dont need to be maimed by two car-loads of gang members not getting the job done and leaving me alive in a hospital. It gets boring real fast where I am now. I pray for death really fast. I have no sign the Surrogate's court is going to change. I have no sign I have a survivable situation to return to. Instead of saying nothing I could have picked a fight tonight and died but if they didnt get the job done I'd be worse off. And the need for intervention continues. I'm not making it out here. And now I'll lay me back down to sleep and pray for death to give me peace.
no wish came true. need to get in touch with community center after finding it. running low on tolerance, patience, and have no protection out here. found place to wake up and woman came over to share with someone a comic in the newspaper she found funny. I told myself I had better take advantage that god works thru people so ask what's available in this boring place that doesnt have much. Oh I was peeved by a group of asians that kept gawking at me here last time who I thought were chinese but now seeing they may be korean. Their gawking at a new person is really obvious. I'm low on tolerance. now realize had I made a deal last night could have been robbed the way the toughies in the uninvolved car were shouting.
as a matter of fact - and this is how brain injury has f*cked me - making sense of things later - I probably was woken up on purpose for confrontation, robbing and worse. the energy protecting my life is not providing the total protection I need to live a full life. that's why I need that protecting energy to go away so I can rest in peace. there is a transfer of black paint from the other car to my car. I'm guessing btwn the two cars there were ten guys. the guys in the car that hit me were African American and the driver of the other car sounded hispanic. there are dire consequences for keeping on the loose after being raised by a needy woman who didnt get me proper help for going out in the world.
for past couple days been having the injury symptom I learned about in 1995 of racing thoughts&restlessness. my sisters cult would cite the verse of be still and know that I am but that doesn't take care of an organic injury. with this symptom comes incessant talking which instead of being properly diagnosed has ALSO gotten me in trouble many times. the answer to a lot of this is to keep me occupied - that's what college degrees and jobs are for. I need care or I need death if I'm going to be pushed out on my own. SOS!
not doing well. need care. racing. trying to accomplish a great many things before dark.
January 22nd 2013 
Someone please get in touch with occupy morristown nj. They're right in the heart of the area my protest needs to be.
January 21st 2013  
 This is an SOS signal as usual. So went to a dentist in an emergency and taking care of the results depends on my mother. Couldnt get a hold of my mother so called her sister which gave me a better idea how to get hold of my mother. In the course of the conversation says she doesnt know about the surrogate court which is fine. What is not fine is the person given custody of me not only knows just as much but calls her for advice of me in America - deaf leading the blind syndrome. I want to go home but wont be without constructive interference. The state first interfered under Marilyn mindes upon me first being diagnosed 11 years after injury with voc rehab. My mother declined me getting help as she proudly said I was going off to college. I need now to return to this dental situation which turns out to not be a filling but the need for a crown. I could have sworn the gray stuff was a filling. More later. Not thinking straight today.
 I keep calling out for help while there's still time. mum is comforting herself that I just decided to travel to CA with the last of what I have and will be magically back when I decide. SOS!
Ah you can get to know the hypocrite responsible for my sister separation right on Facebook. Richard mould whose sons are cj mould and Thomas mould out of hopactcong nj. Cj was a special needs child most likely from a birthing injury. Their mother never elaborated on why they chose a different birthing place after their firstborn Thomas was born. That usually means she's hiding something. She drank beer and smoked cigarettes while pregnant and nursing her firstborn. I'm not sure about her second born but do know they switched and her second born was special needs with a brain growth I think. Nothing really obvious like coma for a month after a truck head-on collision. These hypocrite parents know I never got the extra help cj got. Know I didnt go to more appropriate schooling like cj did. Know they've never seen how I live out in the world. Richard mould (with scruffy beard, bald head, and glasses - mobile doesnt paste correctly) and his wife my sister have never been to my graduations from any schools. They've been completely uninvolved yet went into a surrogate court and under the belief of God had me cut out of medical guardianship of my sister. Richard mould calls himself an IT guru yet I'm more highly trained than he is - I just never had the chance to build on my career because I was absent the needed supports out in the world meanwhile my mother just kept painting a Rosy pic and all bought it.
I've witnessed Richard's physical roughness with his children. I particularly remember cj (Christopher John) being flung about by his arm at the end of the staircase where a plastic tricycle was when they lived in Wallington Nj. the final straw why their way international sponsors Peggy and Vinnie got divorced had to do with Vinnie throwing their oldest born daughter up against a wall. alias the pattern repeats. this all makes sense that I witnessed my sister go for more than 20 years with undiagnosed seizures right? all I wanted was the plea bargain of taking that sister to the modern medical agenda for her by one of the top notch medical centers in the country - Kessler. is it worth me dying for this? That will be reality if someone doesnt step up to a completely and well overdue botched Surrogate's court situation.
hi Greg! nice to finally hear from you!!!
where in Wallington?
do you know macaluso that lives in dingman's ferry?
we grew up in butler with macalusos and one of them lived in dingman's ferry atleast 20 years ago
Donna macaluso but dont know if she changed her name, got married.
she had a sister Michelle who was "happily divorced" 20 years ago but dont know if she ever lived in dingmans ferry.
lol play on! so whats life like these days? I always think of you and Erin when I hear "you dont bring me flowers on YouTube
I discovered Neil diamond's holly holy in 2003 and I can't wait for that masterpiece to make a comeback!
absolutely!!! listen I have to stop using my phone now coz battery is low but I'll check back with you tomorrow! tty then! wow what a trip! goodnite
January 19th 2013  
This tooth situation is making me snap. I was also eating a salad when my tooth cracked couple years ago and I lost my 3rd tooth. 1 of the three was was a wisdom tooth left in to compensate for the baby tooth stuck below the jawbone due to the fracture. It then fused to the jawbone. How we found that out was an orthodontist put braces on my bottom teeth with a chain attached to the baby tooth to bring it up. It wound up pulling the other teeth down. No one did anything for me. I was 13 when got tmj and the no-fault salt insurance had me checked by one of their doctors who said it wasnt related so my mother paid out of pocket for me to be treated by a tmj specialist. after is when my mother didnt even bother w the baby tooth incident. When I was 21 a new hygenist discovered my loose teeth and she was never to be seen at that dentist again. Since 1989 I've gone thru pain staking effort to floss every day and yet I'm having all these problems. In my mind I can see two people chiding me for this personal injury saying they know people way worse in Upstate NY yet these same 2 also were involved in hurricane sandy walk a mile in my shoes when really they're trying to tell the Rockaway people to walk in their shoes being victims of the Upstate economy who rarely even had as much as ... n m... Off track. Bottom line is the injuries of this child were never taken care of properly or justice gained so this adult is snapping over the result of that happening now. All 3 teeth pulled so far I kept and still have regardless of the crazy looks I got. This tooth will erode without care and have to be pulled eventually and I cant handle losing another part of me. The salads are doing my body justice even if it's barely noticeable. Y would I stop the salads? I'm over the top about this tooth. What's next? Well my sister Claire needs to forget about good sex so she can return to her blood family and I can have a surrogate mess fixed - besides her menopause is kicking in at 46 & it's easier to let him go. Her hair should also be straightening out since it was only hormonal all along since she was 13 approximately. Oh man not sure what this post is going to look like but cant care right now anyway since I face losing another part of me. And I just babble on and on and on... I'm still sane just on the verge...someone needs to take care of me and that means something different for a downstater than an upstater.....
Ha! Doesn't matter the occasion, I will NOT watch Oprah. The woman "and her team" who ignored me at a time I so much needed them (and then never made up for it). Now I'm looking at being a toothless, broke, arthritic, obese, single, and past-tense child left behind.
forgot childless and maybe more
It just doesnt end. Now it looks like a filling came loose on the side of my tooth. Was eating my salad and felt something push up between my teeth. That's a tooth I got taken care of right away when I could cut floss on it. I have no dental insurance and not a resident of here. It was my mother's dentist who took care of it. I've got crunchy silver pieces coming out of my mouth. Trying not to chew on that side but dont know if that will make a difference. Someone rescue me from this STRESS!!!
a guy who sees me sitting there alone every week gave me some suggestions like getting a california ID for dental help. I don't think that will fly. I can just see it now. Walking into the DMV which is right next to the police station and stating I have no physical address except my car but I'd like to get an ID just to save my tooth. Don't think it's going to fly. All of these teeth problems come from a 1978 broken jaw. I've been raked over hot coals for some loose cannon Irish woman in America who's lying all over the place. Here she paid for my dental way more than once but went into a surrogate court making out I'm on my own. She was responsible for me when I should have been preventing that jawbone loss in my teen years yet she doesn't have to answer to anything so far. I'm not going to make it in this stress for long.

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