Saturday, April 19, 2014

November 7th 2013

I'm right here. Don't miss. Get the job done and do it right. I'll be waiting.

couldnt get out of bed for am appt. need able bodied family to help me out of mess. take me out. Stress stress stress stress ...

atleast the coffee is on. got call from mom of something to bring her. stress stress stress stress ...

Resolved yet another issue yesterday. Felt the old stress creep up as mom just kept going on and on. These days she stopped when I told her to stop stressing me out. Flashbacks of when she would laugh at me for uttering the word stress but then while taking care of the only legal issue claimed I was causing stress. Burn in hell bitch for what you've done to my life. My only regret is not being the dead child. No one knows how bad it is for a brain injured child to be brought up laughed at and invalidated by their sole guardian while that sole guardian remains in solitude dragging their child over broken glass. I woke up this morning just so I could get numb again. My words sounds harsh but that's the outcome when I've been silent all these years.
Claire's an idiot and i want to die.
November 5th 2013
Was great to meet you scott 1 year after being assaulted by police. It looks like amy goodman interviewed you ½ a year later
November 4th 2013 
Mom is making a stink of needing to come home based on Christine but no mention of she wouldn't otherwise be in that self-created mess. Aka it's only an excuse when her problem would be solved if she would just give validation to her youngest child. Getting numb early 2nite. not sure if Claire claimed headaches but definitely a short fuse which helped ruin this life. been raped by the psychiatric industry,physically injured by the police community; slashed in the heart by my own cold blooded family; dragged over broken glass. no justice. vodka.

sensitivity to noise: flashback of when Claire still lived here and was in bed still while i was screaming at my mother over the strange school with strange people i was being sent to that morn and Claire tackled me from behind and starting punching my back and mom started screaming in my favor. this guardianship has been catered to Claire's undiagnosed brain injury. vodka for justice.

i'll go to try to open what might be a closed mind but not feeling the best about going to lunch tomorrow with someone who's known mom from the disability svcs Christine has been involved in for 30 years. I'm probably the child talked about as if nothing wrong. She wants to know all about my trip across the country. She's been told it wasn't a joy ride. Tomorrow she'll see the pics of the desert I was supposed to die in. this is all left untreated from a brain injury perspective. Claire and I both were greatly helped by raw food diets that followed injury but she still goes unchecked. I think I would know otherwise.

stomach feels weak from too much vodka. didn't stop me from putting the garbage out this morn.i just want to be dead sooner than later than things be the way they are. i didn't have my life slammed into a mac truck with no justice for this to happen.

example of the foolish lack of validity that had no business raising this child in america post injury: there is a common modern way to do banking and this situation calls for it. her response when i tell her about it is "oh I've never done that before." followed by a string of worry this and that which causes STRESS to the children she raised with no outside help. i finally say annoyed that just as easy as it is to discuss with Claire adding me as a medical guardian it's that easy to call her bank and ASK. she wont and just stays riled in her worry to keep the stress going. so i make the call she wont while she stay's comfortable in her worry mode and sure enough i'm right but cant do anything because i'm not her. *crash* of a life by a fool who sought no outside help in getting needs met for her youngest injured child. reckless in say nothing and see how it all turns out. topping off reckless by denying reality of what her son in law has done.

so regret watching the unhelpful bs on the Today show.

November 3rd 2013       
So Claire's learning another thing about nursing homes. She could have been involved in my life and learned it long ago. Mom never discussed my experience with Claire apparently and in her older years of forgetting everything as her multiple personalities kick in mom doesn't even bother to remind her why she fought hard to keep us home away from institutions. Better call your lawyer to have me added as medical guardian.

November 2nd 2013 
great. Claire's coming here soon. if i'm still awake this will be interesting. supposedly her vacuum broke and she's coming to get mom's xtra one. maybe I'll be asleep by then.

ok she's been left a note on the vacuum to read my fb page to get a clue.zzzzzzzzzz

woke up and vacuum still here with note. Called mom and Claire just got there. She got her vacuum working again. What probably happened is her husband or son saw my post and got to work on the vacuum just like 20 years ago a couch showed up for their friend after they prayed for it in her bugged apartment. Maybe I'll just go back to sleep again. Noone communicating is being lethal anyway.

another round complete

yet again mom didn't discuss medical guardianship with Claire. i warned her again the mess she's going to be in. i have nothing keeping me here without it. food eaten w round 1: stalk of celery with dressing mixture of mayo and ketchup and my version of garlic bread. food w round 2: onion bagel w butter and onions in toaster oven at 250 for ten minutes. food so far w this round: veg smoothie raw parsely,raw basil,raw spinach,raw ginger, red onion, raw mint leaves, raw green pepper, flax seeds, lettuce, 1/2 an orange squeezed in, olive oil, and water. cheers! someone who's known us before and after accident is acquainted with one of my close friends who is gay. this guy is all love to know him but in the misled eyes of Claire is destined in his life of sin. interesting to think about that bridge of finally someone who knows Claire well can know the goodhearted friends of mine that Claire never met partially by choice that she was never around and although she has good intentions in conversating with Christine for an hour she is out of touch. this had better be fixed or i am out of here and messes may fall where they may - things mom doesnt tell Claire.

Vodka instead of coffee for breakfast. the alternative is saving this life. i need family to help me or friends that are like family. i don't want to lose my house. so many other things.

October 31st 2013         

So medically clueless Claire is finding out about nursing homes. Some things are standard procedure Claire so don't even bother trying to ask for changes because you're wasting your time. Had you been included in my medical life and eviction you would be informed and not the clueless sole other guardian. This pic was taken pre-accident and I think I was recently seeing a post-accident halloween pic of Claire with her signature eye-closing to the pic. That eye-closing is an undiagnosed brain injury sensitve to the camera flash. Even if this pic was taken post-accident her brain injury was worsened by the drugs she did and fainting in high school from the drug's taxi-ing on the (injured) brain. The other sensitivities not in this pic is sensitivity to loud noise as well as complete oblivion to self in space which includes getting lost in the towns she grew up in. I've had some of that being lost in space but remember I am well aware of injury symptoms and am well acquainted with compensation methods of dealing with such things: I.e. what direction does the sun rise and set?
Forgot to mention the symptom of personality change plus one other I can't remember right now. Claire isn't the only person I know who after waking and returning from a brain injury became outgoing and was previously introverted. I knew a female who flipped over her bike handlebars and the same happened to her along with countless examples out there including my own. Claire's religious sect has pulled her in hook line and sinker complete denial of dealing with reality. Congradulations to her for finally realizing that they don't care the amount of money you're paying. They're not going to bend to your wishes. She could have learned that when I was being evicted but I fulfilled her child's wishes to stop calling there. I'll be waiting to hear her realize how wrong she was. Mom said there was nothing to be done about my eviction but that's the uneducated 1/2 baked shell mom lives in oblivious to the negative effects she has on those around her - something Claire knows but with the passage of time is wondering /regretting if the grass was greener. All she has to do is get the ball rolling on adding me as medical guardian ...something mom is not telling her.
Sheltered Workshops or Sweatshops for the Disabled? | Pushing Limits BROKEN HEART. THIS IS NO FAIR TO CHRISTINE

October 30th 2013 
Round 1 early tonight. Nothing else to do.yet another thing mom's been told by me to do to help herself, declined it and now it will be that more difficult. Watching the Ellen Degenerous show was difficult. Flashbacks of when I kept asking to go for violin lessons post accident as a fan of the Mandrell sisters, particularly Louise Mandrell, and being ignored. I can't remember if my request for tap dancing lessons that went ignored happened before or after. With a probable connection of revenge she finally gave into my request for acting lessons after my father died. Well that potential completely died because she claimed Christine was the reason she couldn't help me reach that full potential - was told by instructor to give up the hope if I couldn't get to auditions - mom refused to reach out for that help so that I could turn into something. All the signs for success were there too completely dashed by a mother who was overwhelmed and no one to step in. In the end my life is failed again by the surrogate's court. Go figure. And this loose cannon still slips by as of this date.
i can always count on you for dialogue. while denying me tap dancing lessons she so wanted me to take irish step dancing lessons so it wasn't for my physical safety. i'm not forgetful or stupid in knowing mom's original story that dad wanted to get out of the city. long story.
when the going gets tough for the neglected child the neglected child goes and buys more vodka.
October 28th 2013   
The world is my witness now. Went to see Christine and asked her if she misses her shop and she said no. Couldn't prove the recklessness mom put on in court. There is no way she should be living like this missing out on modern getting better methods. Told mom wut she said and mom said "oh and if she wants to go to shop she'll say Yes." This woman makes no sense the lies she's living in or perhaps the pathetic unrealities she has to hide behind in making people believe she was an adequate medical guardian - something judge deanne wilson witnessed she wasn't and then let it slide. Pretty soon because I have no protector, I'll be reciting my nightly prayer: now I lay me down to sleep and pray that death come to give me peace; in this land where I reside no one wants to see my ugly side; shattered glass, stained class, child of an immigrant lass; ordered to curb odd behavior and pray to a savior; free to live a life of humiliation and all will be revealed after the statute of limitations; without resolution honestly forgive me for my terrorist deeds.
Frontal Lobe Impairment & Child Development
The frontal lobe of the brain controls the executive skills functions of the brain, which helps us adapt to our environment. It includes functions such as motivation, reasoning and self-regulation. If your child has received a diagnosis of attention-deficit/hyperactivity...
wow. fate must have been contemplating. slept 1 hour longer than than the 3 hour blocks of late. More evidence Claire doesn't have a clue: instead of getting Christine modern methods of getting better buys her 4 puzzle books in large print #1 and then two puzzle books are useless because they're crossword books which I USE AND NOT CHRISTINE so I am now in posession of 2 large print crossword puzzle books. Example no. 2: when getting there Christine stopped doing her puzzle and remained so until cued by me. There's not much of a conversation to have with her yet she said all they did when Claire visited was talk and no mention of Claire working with her on her puzzle which is what I did with bits of conversation while we both exercised our brains in the form of a puzzle. I just can't accept this backwards, bimbo handling of Christine's life when her and I have a connection that has been ignored and passed over as unimportant.
just like old times me and Christine pouring over some type of brain game tonight for almost 2 hours. i'm telling you i WILL NOT have this. mom is sticking to her story i took out of here and wanted nothing to do with them. her memory is not serving her well that after the first 2 years is when i lived here and have a good handle on Christine with a brand new puppy changing Christine 's personality and spending a lot of time with her. she also forgot i lived here for a year before the first 2 years. nothing has changed. that doesn't even mention all the countless other times i've been here. Claire better consider divorce. i will not have this lie all because mom is pissed off i left and doesn't know how to explain my refusal to deal with Claire until she gets a clue. Oh and because it's so common I forgot to mention that in a conversation with her roommate Christine talked again about getting the injured parts of her body better. Part of the conversation was the roommate showing us her pictures and that her family member was retarded. I pointed out that Christine used to be a straight A student before we were in a car accident - that there's a difference. Round 2. She got an insight she didn't know because no one is talking about or taking care of the medical advances available for her. Mom's overwhelmed, uneducated, and lies while being undiagnosed. Claire is brainwashed, clueless, and undiagnosed. I WILL NOT HAVE THIS and still be alive. Mom and her uneducated sister are sitting there saying "oh that's just her saying that." This is the beginning (?) Where I say GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY TO RAISE YOUR KIDS. NO THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME NO PATIENCE FOR IMMIGRANTS.
Brain Injury, Social Skills, and the Holidays |
Carolyn Rocchio offers advice to prepare someone with a TBI for holiday party interactions with family and friends.
now i lay me down to sleep and pray for death to give me peace. indisi

October 27th 2013
To get out of bed today or not to get out of bed today? 

I'm feeling that much closer to taking off out of here. i've told mom how she doesn't have to spend all this money when i can take care of Christine just fine here which is evidenced by a history of me doing so. my plans were cancelled yesterday because i'm not comfortable being around Claire who is thinking about me falsely based on things mom is not telling her. sent Claire a text message yesterday that when she sees mom,mom has something important to tell her. no mention of a text msg and mom didn't say anything. we went over this before but as usual she acts like we never did. this child is going down because this child can't hold their life together anymore with neglect from incompetence.

on the drink again. plan to visit mom took a nosedive after deadair on the phone as usual. this is the type of stuff she uses against me in a court of law saying I keep fighting with her but not having to answer to anyone wut those fights are about.

if only my spirit would separate from my body like the girl in the jamesway pkg lot about 20 years ago. alternatively someone could step in and save this situation.

October 26th 2013
There go my fucking plans for the day. Mom is telling airhead nothing. That is the same recklessness that has withstood the test of time. Without communication and with the lies mom is living in (or perhaps we should call it over-optimism teetered over to unrealistic existence) this situation is not going to be salvaged. To round 1 or not to round 1? hmmm

time to go get food so i can come back and keep drinking my life away until this is fixed.

oopsie doing what I've learned best growing up: being unrealistically optimistic as far as being fixed. round 4.

hope she gets that thru the esp waves. her sister is following me on facebook so maybe she'll get the message!

October 25th 2013   
Round 1. Yet another medical professional and myself were on the same page over another not-well-thought-out nonmedically inducive situation. I told her on day 1 it wasn't going to be good for her and to change it. AS USUAL she convinced the medical professional it was ok but I had to provide proof it would be ok. THEN the medical professional came out and said what I had been saying all along. This is a pattern that has withstood the rest of time. I'm not being malicious. There is a child here still saying "she couldn't provide me adequate help. I've also missed all statute of limitations for justice. The ABSOLUTE last thing that should happen in the end is being denied or ousted from a situation where I BELONG."

having anxiety over cleaning up the messes I'm in having no idea for too long how incapable she was   



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