Monday, April 21, 2014

July 7th 2013
looks like I'll be by myself tonight? last thing I said was I'd see her tonight. maybe that did the trick.
she's here parked in a different space. I have to wonder if my mother has become this is already lieing about me going away to college.
now pulled next to me when could see I'm off to sleep. went to sleep same time last night approx.
 July 6th 2013
Wow! Has a job fallen into my lap? Wow - someone who works with NYC too! Wow! To be continued...   

Wow Stacy! Not sure where this is going but I start Tuesday!

Wow! lol

July 3rd 2013
It's easy to die out here. Woke up after six hours this time by making sure my socks came off which is consistent with what I know about an infrared sauna. Although it's kind of anti-chiropractic, that's why the way of life is flipflops or sandals - it's only natural. I dont have that medical choice. My shoes are literally coming apart but that's how it is when you're subjected to no-fault special funds insurance. It's been over one hundred degrees everyday. Let me see if I can get a little more sleep.

July 2nd 2013 
Awake after 2 hrs because of the heat. Ice in cup over my heart seems to help alleviate sweating. Can't run my engine too much 1. The environment and my connection to it and 2. I'm dangerously low on funds. THIS BITES AND I WANT TO GO HOME - as another drop of sweat slides down my face. $9.50 in my emergency Pennies is gone. $3.00 in dimes and nickles is gone to the dollar store for food you dont get at the food pantry. $10 of my laundry $$quarters went to gas instead. I'm surprised my monthly payment didnt go thru yet with the holiday. They used to be available 24/7 to ask but not anymore. It's too fuckiing hot out here! 

Chris you're 30° cooler (in San Diego) than where I am. it is what it is. that's what I've been saying about my fate since I got here a couple months ago. I'm the type to always stick to intended schedule. - sort of. 

July 1st 2013  
 This type of justice for my permanent injuries from police that assaulted and imprisoned me could keep me alive.

June 30th 2013   
I recently spoke with a rep working at banning plastic bags in CA for the sake of marine life. I asked about the fracking concern it being done without Californians knowledge. They've gotten away from fracking concerns was the response. Hmmmmm can only think of that 80's song "when the children cry"

a year ago   

 June 29th 2013    
And my oldest sister's dogma from The Way International Ministries says "God knew he wouldnt believe so allowed the devil to take his life." So that's also the case with our ten year old sister? I never received an answer on that

my point is just that my sister is misguided in dogma while having an undiagnosed brain injury indisputable as her other sisters in the same car accident. her dogma gives credence to obvious injuries meanwhile the right-lobe unobvious injuries might as well be satan living inside the injured person whom the person is at fault for letting satan live there :-s

I posted a while ago about my sis involved in what is known largely to be a cult called the way international out of new Knoxville oh. just pointing out the irony of this story and how my sis would interpret it the whole time ignoring her own medical problems from injury that my whole existence revolves around. if you read the opening message I sent to all new fb friends it will fill in some gaps. 

I was denied partial guardianship of my incapacitated sister partially bcoz the way is cleared in all Nj courts

my sis isn't bad - just fatally misguided inappropriately to her injury and family. I feel your support.

 June 27th 2013   

My final resort with up to 38 days left?
   received callback to know the level of emergency and as usual dont know if I sounding urgent enough. the soonest they could schedule me is a week before I do one of 2 things: either return home with protections in place or go on my final road trip. they'll talk to their supervisor to see to get to me sooner but no guarantee. maybe from a previous life I was a veteran or something missed because I was under the radar and so karma is repeating itself? just like a reckless judge allowed a reckless guardian to continue under the radar?I just cant figure out what invisible qualities exist when one is dying under another's nose. *baffled*

 June 26th 2013    

NO! VAN DIEMEN'S LAND (sp?) lol. not "hold me now." I guess it was put up there by a non-fan like me!

Found out legal services receives calls from the Surrogate's Court for guardianship purposes yet knowing my medical history Judge Wilson never had legal aid appointed for me. Judge Wilson also witnessed my mother's reckless medical care to her injured daughters and let it slide. Called referrals I have been given and need to make another call tomorrow. And the days count down.

 June 25th 2013     
I guess I've done all I can do for 1 day with the time difference. this loose cannon is going to get away with murder unless someone steps in. I don't have a lot of energy on peanut butter and jelly.  

for the record here's an example of my care: my mother paid (or social security I didnt know about yet paid) for my acting and modeling lessons. in my second year of doing this the instructor told me to give it up if I couldnt get into NYC for auditions. the reason why I couldnt?? mom said she couldn't because of my handicapped sis. no one was there for my needs. so then I followed her direction for college and now she's saying she never said that. first time she said it broke my back the first time. I couldn't believe my ears in front of Fiona and's like I just wasted my life on this woman. no worries. I'll be comfortably numb in a couple hours. I'm looking at going 5 days w/o my numb this month.

awake after 4 hrs sleep for some reason. called the independent living center near mom today. cant return without some type of protection for me from this but they cant help me coz I'm not there. I'm not going back without some promise or guarantee. how's that for a catch22?control this loose cannon be4 it's too late. a string of 100+ days is coming up and I cant hack this heat here.

up to 39 days left. it's ok she's not picking up the phone. she disregards child development - then Claire can listen to what she cant deny. If what I was preparing for in life in highschool was stopped because my mother refused to reach out for help and then my college accomplishment was disregarded because it might reveal her inadequacy...a lot is not going to matter any more when I'm gone but people still have time to save this life. Provide a promise of protection for me to return. Formalizing me taking the sister I had to watch live w/ untreated seizures to an updated rehab plan for her is one form of protection a.k.a. Out from under the radar. Who is not getting the reckless loose cannon???

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