Wednesday, April 23, 2014

so tonight I wound up doing a lot of dinner because mom doesn't have a lot of energy these days. As I tried to hurry things up I prepared christine's dish asking mom how much gravy. As usual she wanted to take over because she "can't explain it." ANOTHER LONG-EXISTING CIRCUMSTANCE THAT UNPREPARED ME FOR LIFE. come to think of it Stephanie taught me how to tie my shoes and Christine and stephanie taught me how to ride a bike. Maybe mom never was a teacher to begin with and goes to show I never got life needs left in this house after everyone was gone. OK FINE WHAT CAN I DO NOW MORRIS COUNTY SURROGATE COURT MORONS? ???? go ahead let me die. I'm not going thru this unnecessary isolation anymore. I was supposed to be protected. Nice job! I'm not the boy who cried wolf either. Give it time.

Email to my VESID counselor in Feb or March 2013
I just received my mail last week and see that there's a letter from you dated Jan 7. I see you didn't mention that Legal Services had called you and made you aware of my whereabouts.
I'm waiting to die. I'm not going to survive without a job and I'm out of time to wait for the interview/acceptance/denial process. I'm trying very hard through different channels to return to the east coast under a situation I can survive under. I'm in constant contact with people going after different ideas, etc, Some of those emailed have been at the hospital I was at as a child. But very soon the last of my money will run out, $611/mo in social security isn't going to do enough for me, and there's no way I'm doing bankruptcy or welfare when I was prepared in life to be working after college.
Just so you have an idea of how prepared in life I was to go into my career without the obstacles put up against me by VESID (now ACCESS VR) of Malone by a man named Stephen Novacich and others whom I had never met like Nancy Davis, you can watch this video: This video is of the top care I received from this very reputable hospital. But that hasn't meant enough in NYS.
Here's another video of this hospital I rehabilitated in ready to live life:
I don't have enough money for a lawyer and if you want to save a life fix this internal NYS mistake. I'm $70,000+ in debt with no way to pay. In order to survive a bit longer than originally expected I stopped paying my credit cards and live on one meal a day while I have to pay for my own nutritional supplements like iodine because I'm iodine deficient. So who's going to hire me now that my credit is near shot? It's only been approximately 2 months since I stopped paying them. Ideally I would be working from home in the house that I own paying down my debt.

So finally got in touch with mother and car will be done at a later time. The more pressing issue is her incoherent existence. I tried to make it known yet again I'm a formerly injured child who cant take care of myself. All she did was day "well you did this and you did that." I tried to make it known that that's why a child needs things taken care of when they're a child so they have what they need as an adult. when I said we need counseling or mediation and Claire needs to be included she said to stop "this shit." I was in the middle of typing and she just called doing the usual talking to me about the car and ignoring the deep-rooted problems we just fought about before I left two long messages at the surrogate Court about her incoherence and my impending death.

does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day? Vera! Vera! what has become of you?

now I remember...the conversation escalated when she said what she did having to come to America and work. yet again I reminded her she was not a formerly injuted child. her response was ignoring anything I had to say as if I'm a liar or using excuses.I'll

my mom is a fine person but not for her handicapped children especially when she defines someone like me in a subcategory...there's so much more emotional abuse I cant get out but this is the fights she complained to the Court I keep fighting with her about.

more of the regular abuse has been I'm only saying things because someone's putting it in my head which has stripped me from living a full life with any confidence in what I do. reality is that my mother goes by what people put in her head because she's an immigrant who needs to go with the right flow. I cant accept the reckless loose canon who got me here and the Court is allowing it. I came home from the hospital wanting to continue cooking and sewing like the rehabilitative hosp had me do and she wouldnt let me. she wont accept responsibility that I'm a product of my upbringing. I'll be comfortably numb in 8 hrs.

So anyway, I'm trying to record here why it was so very important for me to have life outside of her house. Now I have very little choice. I have a house to live in in NY only if I can get employment in the area (even a work from home) but for me to work from home I need help setting it up and checking in with someone for various reasons. I can go live with her at any given time. I just haven't been away for so long for no reason. It's time for things to be done right and it seems to me it's time for family counseling or mediation. I always pictured coming back with all of us having closure (not closing off!!!!!!!!!!). I remember one time maybe 2004 or 2003 she talked about how much I have to come back there but very vague with no plan. I think she mentioned counseling but I knew that entailed without Claire so that the whole picture was not fixed and I know she feels it's a waste of time so I really didn't have much to go on. idk ... more to come...

so i didn't even bother getting the work done today even though I could have because there's a gaping wound under these band-aids. She'll come around to taking care of stuff I need for survival but my least concern was the car after hearing the same old destructiveness over the phone this morning. Intervention is needed. The total solution problem needs to be fixed. Not these band aids to keep me going. SOS!
so I guess this is my babble spot because I came home from a hospital to chaos: fighting with Claire, no joking around, not allowed to do anything because I wasnt going to do it right, little noises would set my mother off, until he got sick with cancer my father would either be out at the knights of Columbus or downstairs drinking with our family dog keeping him hs and beyond my mother would laugh anytime I said the word stress making out that I was being brainwashed by American psychobabble. in the end she turns around in a Court of law making me out to be a stressor. thank God I have my alcohol now bcoz I have no other tranquilizers.

that's another thing that happened during today's escalation. she said "if your father was alive..." I said if my father was alive I wouldnt be in the mess I'm in. he would have been there to give me proper guidance. she mocked me talking about guidance as if there's no such thing and I'm crazy. I said in America. That if I wasnt supposed to go to college or not leave Nj he would have been there for that guidance. She still went on arguing how dumb I am. This is nothing new. This is the medical harassment I have been abandoned to long ago. The Irish band cranberries have a song harassment is not my forte"...that's my prime existence in and outside the home.
so now that facebook has brought my old message(s) back up to the top, I guess I'll continue here. Called her this morning to make final arrangements about the car for when it will be done. Everything's fine and normal. There's no one to fix this travesty that I went without essential needs (other than meals, hygiene, and a safe roof over my head) all these years and no one is stepping in to fix the end result. Anyway, I was saying how she's providing all these bandaids to keep me alive thinking it's a service to me and don't get me wrong I know how utterly more devastated I would be without her there for me in that capacity but the huge gushing wounds under the band aids need to be fixed and the only way I see it at this point is mediation. She can't understand where I am in America and I need my caretaker to do so. Anyway need to get back to this later.
sorting thru the confusion of how I got here it all started to unravel with my admission denial to marist college in Poughkeepsie. After I insisted on diagnosis my senior year of high school my mother called up her friend who was a retired nurse (and who has carried knowledge about us to her grave) about what to do. This is when I wound up at a neuropsychologist office in NYC. She recommended marist and I was denied admission based on my hs grades. Here's the key: INSTEAD OF GETTING A PROFESSIONAL INVOLVED RE A DOCTOR'S EVALUATION AND RECOMMENDATION SHE AND HER UNEDUCATED COUSIN CALLED UP MARIST TO NO AVAIL. THE BRAIN INJURY ENVIRONMENTAL NEEDS HAD STILL NOT BEEN DIAGNOSED YET. Edited · Like · Edit · Just now

March 4th 2013  
If anyone knew the breadth and depth of the coldness and uneducation that ruined this life. My mother wont answer the phone. I told her she'll only hear from me in an emergency. So I call her sister only to be greeted with the same attitude of "well everybody else this and everbody else that." So I go thru explaining I'm not everyone else-that a child from a hospital with needs who doesnt have those needs met will be missing what they need as an adult. Then I go on to point out something is very serious if a child in the home was given a Court order barring them from the home. We started out with a conversation that was actially going some place that what's done is in the past so if she didnt do what she was supposed to do then she needs to do so now. My aunt stayed stuck on the notion that I'm able to drive myself across the country and when I said "then why wont anyone hire me?" Her response was to say "there's lots of people out there that cant get hired." My response was "why not for the past 20 years?" Her response was "well I know you've worked some jobs through the years." My response was"that's not consistent with my career." Bottom line is my medical self is being harassed by my own family and the other wall my body is being crushed by is state services and insurance among others. I'm sitting here waiting for the estimate on my car
March 1st 2013  
Social norms example: I'm in the library charging my phone before I go on the computer in the city. A young black boy had rolled in the library on rollerblades. About 20 minutes later I hear the young boy say in conversation directly to someone as he was walking barefoot in the Libr "you never seen no ghetto person walkin around w no socks before?" I turned in the direction he was speaking and two white highschool boys at a table were turning their heads away from the young boy and back to their work at the table. Se la vi.
Ok comfortably numb about to read the Vesid letter which should be to close my case and I was expecting a couple months ago...
well it's dated 1/7 and I just got it couple days ago. says if she didnt hear from me in 15 days case will be closed. no mention that Christine waters at legal aid called her in October and told her I executed my bucket list and where I am. wonder if I should mail them a copy of my will wannabe.
aunt maureen I'm going to send you a message. I know you're new at the computer but you've been liking my messages. Ever accept my friend request?
February 28th 2013 
Newbie has a death sentence.
Some other time I'll have to share the farce of ADD/ADHD.

Kick Starting a Worthy Film: ADDicted
February 25th 2013
I still like geeks.

Yesterday I heard the woman next to me in her late 40s or early 50s laughing while she was doing something at the computer and although I'm not like other Californians stalking what she's doing online, I had to glance over to make sure I wasn't sitting next to someone off their rocker for fear they'd take it out on me. Not at all! She was watching the big bang theory!
lol Nice to hear some feedback! you can watch the whole episode... I'm a geek you're a geek. Everyone's a geek geek. Would'nt you like to be a geek to...Dr. Pepper parody lolol
Last night about two hours into my sleep I woke up choking on my saliva. only because I sleep like a normal person these days I've had a witness to tell me I snore something ungodly and have had great indications I have sleep apnea. Those nose strips are just a moneymaker. So you never know. If ever there's a day I dont wake up I guess my dying wish would be to reopen our car accident investigation from 1978. There's something incomplete about it as my Uncle Eddy from Belle harbor once indicated. supposedly there was a new pair of shoes stolen from the accident scene as well - minor detail I guess.
 February 24th 2013
If you only knew what I know. But do I know it? No one has told me for sure.
Ok so what happened is that the cop who lied to me in syracuse at the German/Polish festival abusing his authority and subsequently my car still has the dent in it from that lie, was made it known among the police departments NOT to lie But oh well I'm still stuck with the damage that when a careless california hit and run driver makes me go to have my car worked on, that dent is documented as pre-existing. If my insurance drops me and I have no one to protect me on that matter I'm f*cking screwed. Oh ok that's all my life is meant to be.  
The nightmare is that they will see that as pre-existing and consider me high risk and although I filed for a 50-h hearing on time against the city of syracuse I could be completely f*cked all over the PIG that lied to me because I have NO ONE to go to combat for me with insurance or many other entities. After filing the 50-h the city/county came back and said they did an investigation and it never happened. *hold me down*
I'll find out more in a few days when my mail gets here but I've had these bad feelings lately that I could be dropped from my insurance. If they're not willing to pursue my hit and run further maybe that is telling me something. They have both my house and car insurance. If they drop me it will not be good guaranteed.

 February 22nd 2013
We're still talking about Aaron Schwartz. We should also be talking about this guy. Remember there's a witness alive under the same circumstances who devotes his life to his kids and writes a book concerning these grievances:
February 20th 2013
Note to mom in the 40+ pages I'm sending her: "my timing belt was done at 27,405 mi at the six year mark (before I owned the car). If I need a new drive belt it's only $150. Valve adjustment may need to be done which is $650 but is recommended at 75000 or if noisy. I do hear rattling. Anyway mom you have to understand that Christine had proper schooling after the accident and I did not because of catholic school. I'm not returning to Nj w/o it being formalized at the Surrogate's Court. My life has been falling apart right under your nose all these years. You found out 30 years later what to do for Christine. Now find out about me. Unless something changes I wont be sending any more of these mailings. I'm short about $150/mo for survival and that's just the basics. Social security is only paying $611/mo. My basic bills w/o paying credit cards is $342/mo.$20-$30/wk gas. 1meal/day at $841. Sleeping medication and 1 coffee/day is the basics plus I have to take vitamin supplements. If I get to catholic charities an hour away from here I get 2 free meals a day and a free shower. Right now I have to pay $10/wk for 1 shower a wk. Someone let you have ur way a long time ago and catholic school failed me for the things I needed in life. It's worth it for u to look like someone needing the man in the white coat rather than visiting the grave of another child before you die. I dont own $1100 anymore. During my developmental years is the time you needed to let go of me so someone raised in America could give me better guidance. For you to let go of me now is sending me to my grave - not kidding. Call the Surrogate's Court to see what you can do now."
It's nothing new but reading bout children's near death experiences. they had me intubated for gods sake. There's many reasons to have a child intubated but the most common is cant breath. Trying to travel far into my memory just to remember any nde. Very frustrating.
Test. Started a page for/about children left behind. Sent out 30 invites. Only 2 answered. One said they never got an invite. Cant tend to this nonmobile.
This is the second time that I just wanted to unload the end of my world coz I'm in absolute misery. Sometimes I get flashes of injustices and certain people that have done me wrong or how much I'm just a speck of ink for insurance or some other Goliath; how I'm all alone completely crashed into a wall when I had all good intentions all along and then my being consumed in misery goes away when brought back to saneness by someone on Facebook. I've been alone for far to long.
oh ok so you keep clicking on the Occopied Newbie link where the child is and you eventually get to like the group/page.
February 19th 2013
Someday everyone will know about all this "disorder" horseshit. Starting at the beginning of life (since there's no mention of head trauma in his life here) what type of birthing injury did he have where there is a medical liability? What about prenatal exposure to something that affected him in the womb physiologically? This world is a sad clump of horsesh*t. Oh and sensory overload...oh didnt we admittedly create that yet the human brain is not necessarily equipped to handle that manmade colossal failure. Last night I was forced to sit through the entire pierce Morgan show and only one thing had any importance: the guy who pointed out all the many child slayings from guns throughout history yet it's only when a bunch of white little kids in affluent America gets shot, now it gets attention. SAD.
February 18th 2013
Ok I'm going to have to be content to be arrested. Noticed Friday there's cameras in the pizza joint where I get my 1 meal a day from all you can eat and take food with me for my next meal. If they pursue I'm had.
 February 16th 2013
And I just found out I got f*ckd by insurance again. Their not pursuing my hit and run any further to get my deductible back. Normally I'd be upset but when you're preparing to let go of this life things are a bit different.

Had to stop at 15:48. The only things I disagree with is the native woman talking about Christ and the white girl talking about Jesus. Had Europe invaded the land of those who praise Allah and native Americans never had to turn from their own ways (let alone Africans who were coerced into integrating the European way) would those who praised Allah originally be better off because of Europe? It's like she feels forced into feeling those that preached Christ were the only ones right on earth.

 February 15th 2013
 Ok time for me to go to sleep in this strange place with guys on one side of me who put up window coverings at 3:30 when they arrive and leave at 5:30 in the morn - must be factory or hospital workers - and then on other side a whole line of who knows what. Have my doors locked and I assume police will do another patrol. They left me sleeping last night parked right next to me so assume it will all go ok for the night.

February 14th 2013 
muscle arms like that are my weakness ;)
Photo: Edward Gumbs
Shinnecock and African heritage

"Seek wisdom, not knowledge. Knowledge is of the past, Wisdom is of the future." --Lumbee proverb


The Shinnecock Nation is a federally recognized Indian Nation, located on the East End of Long Island adjacent to the Town of Southampton. Federal recognition was achieved October 1, 2010, after thousands of years of documented history on Long Island, and 32 years of struggle with the Bureau of Indian Affairs. As the 565th federal tribe, its banner has taken its place among other tribal flags at the U.S. Department of the Interior, BIA, Hall of Flags, Washington, D.C.

(c) Photo courtesy of Toba Tucker.

just in case there's any muscle armed guys out there that would like to kidnap me :) 

Cop parked next to me and went in to eat or whatever w other officers parked across the way and I'm going to sleep in spite of it. I think he saw me take my keys up out of my shirt from my bra.
I completely nodded off and woke up hours later to a different car making noise with the people inside. I'm more scared of the cops these days (if I have to interact with them). other than that there are times I welcome their patrol.

No comments:

Post a Comment