Email to my VESID counselor in Feb or March 2013
I just received my mail last week and see that there's a letter from you dated Jan 7. I see you didn't mention that Legal Services had called you and made you aware of my whereabouts.
I'm waiting to die. I'm not going to survive without a job and I'm out of time to wait for the interview/acceptance/denial process. I'm trying very hard through different channels to return to the east coast under a situation I can survive under. I'm in constant contact with people going after different ideas, etc, Some of those emailed have been at the hospital I was at as a child. But very soon the last of my money will run out, $611/mo in social security isn't going to do enough for me, and there's no way I'm doing bankruptcy or welfare when I was prepared in life to be working after college.
Just so you have an idea of how prepared in life I was to go into my career without the obstacles put up against me by VESID (now ACCESS VR) of Malone by a man named Stephen Novacich and others whom I had never met like Nancy Davis, you can watch this video: This video is of the top care I received from this very reputable hospital. But that hasn't meant enough in NYS.
Here's another video of this hospital I rehabilitated in ready to live life:
I don't have enough money for a lawyer and if you want to save a life fix this internal NYS mistake. I'm $70,000+ in debt with no way to pay. In order to survive a bit longer than originally expected I stopped paying my credit cards and live on one meal a day while I have to pay for my own nutritional supplements like iodine because I'm iodine deficient. So who's going to hire me now that my credit is near shot? It's only been approximately 2 months since I stopped paying them. Ideally I would be working from home in the house that I own paying down my debt.
So finally got in touch with mother and car will be done at a later time. The more pressing issue is her incoherent existence. I tried to make it known yet again I'm a formerly injured child who cant take care of myself. All she did was day "well you did this and you did that." I tried to make it known that that's why a child needs things taken care of when they're a child so they have what they need as an adult. when I said we need counseling or mediation and Claire needs to be included she said to stop "this shit." I was in the middle of typing and she just called doing the usual talking to me about the car and ignoring the deep-rooted problems we just fought about before I left two long messages at the surrogate Court about her incoherence and my impending death.
does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day? Vera! Vera! what has become of you?
now I remember...the conversation escalated when she said what she did having to come to America and work. yet again I reminded her she was not a formerly injuted child. her response was ignoring anything I had to say as if I'm a liar or using excuses.I'll
my mom is a fine person but not for her handicapped children especially when she defines someone like me in a subcategory...there's so much more emotional abuse I cant get out but this is the fights she complained to the Court I keep fighting with her about.
more of the regular abuse has been I'm only saying things because someone's putting it in my head which has stripped me from living a full life with any confidence in what I do. reality is that my mother goes by what people put in her head because she's an immigrant who needs to go with the right flow. I cant accept the reckless loose canon who got me here and the Court is allowing it. I came home from the hospital wanting to continue cooking and sewing like the rehabilitative hosp had me do and she wouldnt let me. she wont accept responsibility that I'm a product of my upbringing. I'll be comfortably numb in 8 hrs.
So anyway, I'm trying to record here why it was so very important for me to have life outside of her house. Now I have very little choice. I have a house to live in in NY only if I can get employment in the area (even a work from home) but for me to work from home I need help setting it up and checking in with someone for various reasons. I can go live with her at any given time. I just haven't been away for so long for no reason. It's time for things to be done right and it seems to me it's time for family counseling or mediation. I always pictured coming back with all of us having closure (not closing off!!!!!!!!!!). I remember one time maybe 2004 or 2003 she talked about how much I have to come back there but very vague with no plan. I think she mentioned counseling but I knew that entailed without Claire so that the whole picture was not fixed and I know she feels it's a waste of time so I really didn't have much to go on. idk ... more to come...
so i didn't even bother getting the work done today even though I could have because there's a gaping wound under these band-aids. She'll come around to taking care of stuff I need for survival but my least concern was the car after hearing the same old destructiveness over the phone this morning. Intervention is needed. The total solution problem needs to be fixed. Not these band aids to keep me going. SOS!
that's another thing that happened during today's escalation. she said "if your father was alive..." I said if my father was alive I wouldnt be in the mess I'm in. he would have been there to give me proper guidance. she mocked me talking about guidance as if there's no such thing and I'm crazy. I said in America. That if I wasnt supposed to go to college or not leave Nj he would have been there for that guidance. She still went on arguing how dumb I am. This is nothing new. This is the medical harassment I have been abandoned to long ago. The Irish band cranberries have a song harassment is not my forte"...that's my prime existence in and outside the home.
March 4th 2013
Yesterday I heard the woman next to me in her late 40s or early 50s laughing while she was doing something at the computer and although I'm not like other Californians stalking what she's doing online, I had to glance over to make sure I wasn't sitting next to someone off their rocker for fear they'd take it out on me. Not at all! She was watching the big bang theory!