Friday, April 18, 2014

December 4th 2013 continued
Alarm never went off. Hour late leaving. Mom's being an asshole saying she's not calling her lawyer to ask question. Christine's well being is caught in the crossfire.
mom's finally been told from a medical stand point she needs to slow down. when will anyone really know how much self-created stress she really causes. the mediator has witnessed mom's lack of...that's not quite's uninvolvement...that's not quite's compliance to a point and then refusal in areas where it doesn't fit or make sense ...i think that's it.
Claire just called. mom falsely represents this guardianship as being effective when she's dead. that's not true. it's effective when she can no longer care for her or and inaccurasies don't jive well. nuf said.
after helping mom yet again with something simple i asked if she called her lawyer yet or if Luongo called her back. answer to both is no. i must be auto lagged from too much driving yesterday. i'm restless but tired. Not good. Claire's not here to see and hear all the struggles and resulting stress. Mom's struggling with shopping up the stairs but not asking me for help based on my question to her before. She'll hear it coming from someone else but not her educated child...longer story. I am so god damn sick of this. Just find the fuck out what you need to do to add me as medical guardian ... it's very clear how I ended up doing a lot of these unhealthy things she does. So now that she's rested from that asks me to turn on the light since i'm standing nearby it and will expect me to get dinner when it arrives. That's how things happen. Instead of addressing entire issues little bandaids live and die continuously. The point is without having anyone here to help with all these things she constantly stresses Christine out oh but not consider me for important things like being taken seriously for christine's medical care? BYE
December 3rd 2013
Christine had another temper tantrum tonight which started from a mistake handled much more low-key and forgiving than how mom handles it - thus something Christine is not used to. Mom started screaming at her to shut up thus revealing where Christine gets it from. Later on mom had to answer the phone while I helped Christine. Mom made it a point to pick up the extension near me and Christine thinking I was pulling an attitude toward Christine. Wrong she was. Earlier today I had to go to a doctor's appt with mom over an obvious problem and I asked questions and got an answer from the doctor over what the definition was of what he was saying. Later on mom had to ask me what the doctor said and then said to her phone conversation "Whatever that means." Obviously I'M not the incompetent / overwhelmed / in over my head guardian. Christine's attitude toward me has turned back into the non-negative type thus mom hasn't been able to drill into her how to be toward me. It was obvious in front of the mediator when Christine was asked what she wanted. 1st thing Christine did was look at mom (to know what to say). This childishness is inappropriate and unfair for what we've had to go thru. Mom also started harassing me she wasn't going to call the lawyer tomorrow to ask the same question luongo never called her back about. Her previous answer to this question was "ok."
December 2nd 2013 
Today mom and me acted on the mediator's suggestion where she made calls to the surrogate's court and I made some medical inquiry calls for Christine. My calls were very positive towards my knowledge and involvement. I feel a HUGE relief mom finally took step 1 and it doubly revealed to me that I would provide a really service to Christine by being her medical guardian. I knew what questions to ask, what departments to call, the difference between certain doctors, etc. To have only Claire involved in this is an absolute disservice to Christine. If Claire insists it has to be her or me then she should go. The first suggestion was to ask her workshop what they thought and although my thinking was "all these people didn't get Christine on seizure meds all those untreated years...I don't think they're going to make a difference now" I did ask. The response was very positive reinforcing what I've been trying to do all along. I was even told Christine could have a flexible schedule if the purpose was the get-better plan - something my mother insisted in a court of law was not the case. Now it just takes the surr court fiasco to be undone. Mom didn't even phrase things right with them which is going to make me sound the idiot but first things first. I have to wonder if christopher luongo, dpty surrogate, is even going to call her back or even look into it. I'm not going to stick around forever to find out but do know some things will only exist over my dead body. Have to put off changing the furnace filter another day due to mom needing my help with her own situation otherwise she'd be paying another astronomical amount of $ that is NOT reimbursed by no-fault. No worries if it all falls thru and I wasted myself on her. There's always letting go of this life.
Claire's rendition via The Way International : god knew those four people wouldn't believe. same goes for all the people who died sleeping on an amtrak train that fell into a bayou due to a miscellaneous time of inattention to the track being correctly aligned
my bad if this is the bayou derailment i'm thinking of. saw interview of guy responsible for reporting condition of track and he said he didn't know why he said it was fine when the computer he was reporting from clearly showed it wasnt
life is flashing before my eyes. mom has been spoonfed the knowledge that the school can't solely take care of your needy child. that parents must be involved in decisions. yet for her to do that to me she needed to have sent me away to a boarding school. Christine is suffering the same fate by a woman not competent to provide those needs to the altered children she never accepted. hiliary is talking about equal rights for people with disabilities. kudos to her for the stand but the pace of politics is not going to save this life. i was on the volunteer commitee to get her into NYS senate and i still went no place becoz of a bunch of nutjobs in NYS govt and medical care in northern NYS.
in a few hours i must travel to change my furnace filter and be reminded of the mountain mess i'm in. facing the cold and cruel reality of how uninvolved my family is. If I die be comforted about the peace I'll be in.
November 30th 2013
 Christine has just made sense of what is going on and found it ludicrous Claire has the attitude she does. Mom is still saying she's not doing the surrogate court. Today's goal is to have Christine's wishes known. I'm not doing it without this loose cannon games or answered to in some capacity.     
i think I'll have an extra numbness today. can't handle hearing about how all these other lives turned out. was brought up always compared to other people who have never been in an accident and always fought with my mother about that. Claire was always able to distinguish or separate from mom. not this insanely confused child i've always gone against the tide with Claire on that issue. i could never see life like her on that issue. that's the difference i guess between severe brain damage at six years of age and severe concussion at twelve - it's a different stage of brain development. cheers! was supposed to go tomorrow to change furnace filter but have to put it off another day due to insufficient cash flow.
to watch celtic woman play the violin.
mom just commented on the violin player and i said "yeah and i wanted to play the violin and you never took me for lessons." her response: "well you can go learn now." that's the response of childhood development idiot being left a loose cannon in the usa who don't share the mentality of America but only blend in at all costs (somewhat).
watching barbara streisand in brooklyn. Mom's reality is so obvious. Won't someone save me? At this age she's started commenting conversationally on my weight. I finally told her about one of our neighbors I used to babysit for who told me she was putting her 8(?) Year old on a diet and asked her why she never did that with me. Her reply was "well you kids never really had a problem with that." OMG!!!!! I came home from the hospital a chubby kid with premature breasts and subtely but strong-felt made fun of by this woman who is interpreting "leave the past in the past" as "the past never happened." How about a death spell from someone who knows what they're doing?
when i came home from the hospital the fad was The Main Event: her son has the same last name as a main person who started the downhill unraveling of the salvaged life i once had.
now i lay me down to sleep and pray for death to give me peace. i pledged allegiance to a disgrace. all our lives a slap in tbe face. in this land where ... sleep
November 29th 2013 
These endless noises for god's sake. Instead of getting help this woman puts all this stress on her kids.
Last night I laid myself to sleep and prayed for death so I may have peace. This morning woke up to this life. Better luck next time. I pledged allegiance to a disgrace. All our lives a slap in the face. And to the republic for which it stands. White-collar murder easy when immigrants don't understand. Indivisible with liberty aloof and justice for all except those of us sound-proofed. Hello death finally peace at this time. My undiagnosis made me the joke of a lifetime. How's my once-intelligent sister been? I'd like to tell her bout hospital life and fair weather friends. Did I mention fellow patient whose name sounds like sick alladin? I would have admitted i'm a terrorist waiting to happen but then I'm accused of a felony. Mom never got over you stephanie. Over 20 years later with your dolls and trophies still in tact but my life destroyed by suppression of facts. Claire separated from us but sees herself as greatly religious. Christine got the worst used as an excuse becoz mom's needs come first. I'm never going back but I'll be with you. In your next life I'll be the unseen force for you. No more of mom's half baked shell. For what I've done I need to escape the forces of hell.
November 28th 2013 (either harris-meant or huh-rass-meant) n. the act of systematic and/or continued unwanted and annoying actions of one partyor a group, including threats and demands. The purposes may vary, including racial prejudice, personal malice, an attempt to force someone to quit a job or grant sexual favors, apply illegal pressure to collect a bill, or merely gain sadistic pleasure from making someone fearful or anxious. Such activities may be the basis for a lawsuit if due to discrimination based on race or sex, a violation on the statutory limitations on collection agencies, involve revenge by an ex-spouse, or be shown to be a form of blackmail ("I'll stop bothering you, if you'll go to bed with me"). The victim may file a petition for a "stay away" (restraining) order, intended to prevent contact by the offensive party. A systematic pattern of harassment by an employee against another worker may subject the employer to a lawsuit for failure to protect the worker.

Another blowout today when mom started harassing me that we were not going to go to the long awaited mediation meeting with the get-better plan all because she didn't feel like taking care of her car situation. Me: "Oh no you don't. You've dragged this out long enough. I need to make plans for my life...I've waited on you hand and foot and now you're pulling this?..." mom: "then go live your life.." me: "we've already been over this about structure ..." me previous: "why didn't you call back about your car when you were supposed to when they were expecting your call?" Mom: "I didn't feel like it." Me: "i'm calling right now." Screaming back and fourth while i'm looking up the number. Phone call reveals the problem could have been taken care of yesterday had she called back when she was supposed to the day before yesterday but can't do it today or tomorrow so scheduled a time just in the nic thereof for the mediator appt the following day. When I get off phone i'm still fuming but less so and point out to her the harassment that you DO SOMETHING to solve problems instead of go on and on and on about the problem.

These situations make my life flash before my eyes in that i'm a victimized based on being brought up in this atmosphere of poor planning, lack of problem -solving (remember my dad was going to teach me how to defend myself when he was alive and mom put an abrupt end to it even though as a kid she was known for bullying and beating up boys) while those were SPECIFIC BRAIN INJURY SYMPTOMS THAT NEEDED ADDRESSING. ok that is the past and not having needs addressed ruined my future. OK SO THE LAST ANSWER IS ALLOWING HOW THIS GUARDIANSHIP PLAYED OUT with christine's life thrown away to The Way International GARBAGE opposed to family that grew up with her in the same house.

I also pointed out the inappropriateness she's guilty of of me being in my 40's and asking me why I didn't go into teaching like a 20 year younger cousin of mine did. No peace because she doesn't know what she's doing to say the least and has kept herself under the radar.

Anyway, her harassment to me are all these threats she makes. She does the same to Christine like 2 months ago after coming home after mom's vacation Christine was upset with mom and out came the threat she was going to send her back if she stayed mad. We all know now christine's happier in a structured environment where she's not bored.

On the phone before mom told her inquiringfriend that Christine is happy back at shop and I made a point after off the phone that she can't hide behind that anymore because the truth is out. I also reminded her she told our mediator "I just laugh at these people who talk about stress" yet mom stops next to her lawyer in court when he made a claimed against me stating how much stress I was causing.
so FB won't let me do a status update. having an extra numb session. oldest nephew is talking about going back to schooling for engineering now that he's back from Afghanistan. in my experience engineers don't pay the littlest bit of attention to brain injuries and his special needs brother works at walmart. Claire and her husband went to one of their Way International friends for Thanksgiving. i guess she knows better than to come here with my endless reading education about her brain injury. What she's in denial of her mother burying a child for the 3rd time? Or most likely TWI has her comforted in the verse where Jesus cast demons out of a man that needed to go some place so they went into a bunch of nearby pigs who then all died going over a cliff. Oh so now I'm compared to this herd of swine? I wonder why she never mentions her friends chrissy and jimmy anymore. Jimmy was around before we had our accident and resulting brain injuries.
my bad. forgot the hypocrisy and denial is fed into even more. youngest nephew is no longer working at walmart but a teaching assistant for special needs kids. dont you have to be specially schooled for that? situation fixed or my death. no worries.
me and christine's interaction is still the same. the only person not paying attention is mom who went ahead and got a guardianship without a road map. me and Christine both have an underdeveloped sense for example when it comes to bodily noises. the only difference is that i see the social differences between some things being controlled in public. i'm trying to remember the age where those things are funny. that's a stage me and Christine share again the only difference being what stays private and christine's inability to distinguish the two. i'm waiting to get numb/sleepy enough and just having another episode of my life flashing before my eyes while this selectively incompetent immigrant is getting away with this hook line and sinker.she has falsely stated and believes out of desperation that her son-in-law does not hold her catholicism against her. If Claire witnessed 1/2 the things mom can't do anymore she would be here. I will be living this lie for only so much longer.
restless bored ... still waiting to fall asleep. mom says she can drive now but I'm supposed to go tomorrow over car situation. i haven't been on a quest since i was a teen to find out what was wrong with me just to have some evil genius in the way International do this. i'll kill him first if not me first.
November 25th 2013     
Mom's outbursts are sooooo stressful. This morning it was over a noise just like when I was 8 and she jumped up screaming "what's that?!" when a napkin holder fell over on the table. Yesterday ... can't remember right now but it's definitely loose cannon fever with innocent medically needy children who should not have been left in this atmosphere.
I remember. It was a wrong newspaper I brought home and the outburst caused some papers to fly onto the dirty dish in front of Christine. Mom's reading glasses are not working for her anymore since in the rehab she received her eyedrops but never told them she needs a timer to keep the drops in for. This is the medical recklessness me and Christine were left to be raised by and mom has been reminded she has a limited time to fix this guardianship. Meanwhile Claire feels like she has a clue by talking to me as if i'm a child: "this issue is over." Ha! That was before her first witnessing of a temper tantrum of someone besides me. Those outbursts I've been left to receive have been one of the beginnings of fights that this woman went into court and said I keep fighting with her. She also gives 1/2 stories to people and then from someplace starts claiming bullying. Go figure.
In Claire's assinine medical understanding of her 1st family's lives Claire pointed out to me once how bad Christine has it because "she'll never enjoy sex." What an assinine view of the total acceptance of her handicapped sister's life. Not only that but she refuses to acknowledge my own brain injury symptoms of social inhibition whereby it's worse I know what it's like to enjoy but can't because of social deficiencies from brain damage that Claire has been disconnected and uninvolved with. I.e. I buy my 1.75 L of Vodka the other day and after putting it on the counter the previous guy customer says to me "great! Where are we going?" Normal people pick up that social cue as a pick-up line. Not this brain-injured gal. Imagine living like this for the past 2 decades since leaving my home environment. A very lonely life. Instead of taking care of the very real medical reality all Claire can do is cite the bible verse of "man is not made to be alone." Atleast in this familiar environment I was able to sense maybe it's ... speak of the devil ...
She's here hmmm. Got something out of the garage and left.
Anyway as I was saying I took a guess and said to the guy "oh no I party alone. I'm headache free." In hindsight his response was to establish common ground by saying "me too." That's hindsight. so Claire has the opportunity to work a more appropriate limited -stress job. I'm not trying to Claire -bash. It's the medical inappropriateness of all who have failed this family.
Feeling check besides being bored.      
November 23rd 2013
In 2008-2009 I tried to have Christine and mom watch a new comedy I knew Christine would like called The Big Bang Theory. During that time period neither one of them found it particularly interesting. Tonight I was in the middle of my usual 3 hour blocks of TBBT and Christine happened to pay attention and found it funny. As I walked away during commercial to do something I said " I knew you'd like this show (I just couldn't get you to watch it - paraphrase)." When I came back sheturned her attention to something else and didn't join in laughter any more. Something tells me I touched upon mom-influenced experience to disregard me in all aspects . I know how this house works. 
November 21st 2013 
Christine just had another flaming temper tantrum. I intuitively sensed and said to her "Christine you're bored" after trying to reason with her and getting her to calm down. Her response was "Yes." I said it was going to be even worse at Claire's and asked her if she'd rather be back at the nursing home and she said "Yes." I'm sorry but this lying bitch, power freak immigrant who went into court and made out christine's other routine was earth shattering to miss...I don't need to repeat myself right now and as far as my choice of words, they're far better than the repressed type of an airhead. Now is the time to fix this. Fyi, i'm not sure if I even got to say in court that if it were up to me to care for Christine soley I could picture both of us living in a brain injury structured environment (not necessarily a nursing home per se) just as we lived together in a children's hospital. I'm here to get this situation fixed or die at home. Even though I loathed it I planned on dying in the desert and then couldn't pass up the chance to die at home which failed the first time. I don't plan on dying amongst strangers like my father did at 45.
1 week home and she's back on a short fuse. this is not fair. If this is the case now I can only imagine the way things were last time Christine was in a nursing home but mom totally got away with it because I was not around as a witness. At that time I was still wasting my breath telling mom to ask Claire for help since she didn't think 2ce in assuming I would do it.
mom told Claire before that Christine came home and said she was going to lie down. she then followed up that statement with how that rarely happens. that's a lie. that's christine's usual routine -which i assumed she was getting back into. why would mom lie like that? a result of shock to hear Christine last night she'd rather not be here?
November 20th 2013    
Mom suffers from undiagnosed bad planning. As a result I brought home cold dinner tonight because was stuck in rush-hour traffic among needing to make some other stops. Her negative goings on under these conditions stresses both me and Christine out. I can't even put it all into words. I'll get back to this. It's overwhelming especially since the long term ex boyfriend is witness to most of it but has made it a point to dodge into the nearest hiding place when it comes to me. I'll get back to this... Here's an example: when I first got here Christine had a lot of problems with things I did such as turning the tv up too loud - she has hypersensitive hearing but whether it's due to brain injury or blindness in one eye I don't know. Her words were often extremely negative and hurtful as simulated by mom. Now that she's had time to deprogram at the nursing home away from mom for a month she's back to her old self and not complaining about the things I do. All of this might seem petty but the Big picture got me cut out of her guardianship with her life signed away to a man who has no part in this family and an oldest sister whose head is lost in the clouds. For Christine to state my ex's full name without incident after not seeing,speaking, or hearing from him in over thirteen years really says a lot about the level of involvement I am more familiar with than Claire will ever be...more to come...
finally! one of those primitive dreams getting into a feeling of primitiveness regarding a past life but insufficient coz cut short by my creditors faithfully waking me same time everyday.

No comments:

Post a Comment