Sunday, April 20, 2014

September 19th 2013
A lot going on and Unless claire dialed this # by accident didn't say anything about the silence when I answered the phone which would be nothing different about her hypocritical attitude toward raising a child with special needs and staying silent about her sister she realized never had those needs met including the simple acts of cooking and seeing which mom wouldn't allow me to continue when released from hospital and raised in catholic school which doesn't have home-ec classes.

now that I'm comfortably numb i can disengage. Mom had an aerial rug delivered today and when I said it would look better a different way she said "oh no that's how everyone is doing it these days." Thus the innapropriate medical attitude I've been raised in. One small example of the entire history.

Almost didn't get out of bed today. Too late it hits me that my nephew's special needs caretaker knowingly and maliciously chooses to ignore the very important fact that my special needs caretaker not only had no way of providing for my special needs AND knowingly and maliciously kept me out of public school for extra help stating "people like that amount to nothing - paraphrase. It was too late by the time I got a diagnosis in public school - my confidence had already been shot down by bullying. Someone explained to me yesterday the things that weren't available years ago which is well and good but I was knowingly kept out of public school and even today when mom speaks of my nephew's job she condescendingly refers to them as "people with problems." I have a feeling someone said back to her I'm someone with a problem and she just let it toll off her back. There's no accepting this negligence of me who went from being a vulnerable and untended to child (in some important ways) to becoming a vulnerable adult "ousted" mainly because of some robo-dick brother-in-law who consciously has minimal acquaintence with this family mainly due to beliefs in The Way International. In light of what someone said to me yesterday about some things being in the past the answer is how to remedy the discriminatory loose cannon in the present - add me formally to the care of my sister so as to not make the same mistake of flying under the radar making another's life a trauma wreck. Her cousin suggested to her before about her and Christine staying home in the day at this stage. Mom was very definite that they're not ones for that and in light of all that's happened was a condescending insinuation that I am. Again, aloofness to the serious responsibility she was given upon the custody of a child released from a hospital at such a young ave having had a sister work in the school system for years in America who once stated it was no fair to do that to me but I have never known to get involved in this situation. *young age*... that's where if these sibling immigrants can't look after proper care of a vulnerable offspring in this country they need to go back to where they came from and stay within what they know. Mom's movements have slowed so much that she needs help with what she's doing today but is not asking. Someone as slowed as her should not be caring for Christine alone - a statement way overdue - but I am lifting a minimal finger without things being on the radar screen.

the past created the present train wreck. there's a remedy for that at the surrogate's court. they know what they're getting away with. that's part of why judge wilson put in for early retirement which gov. christie denied her. til the next hug! me and mom go for some intervention tomorrow. this situation swings the gates of hell wide open. thank you for helping me stay grounded.

truly truly truly!! i left with the old warm feeling of being home again dont know about the hang in part. it seems to hit me more and more the incompetence i was raised by (which is doable) but in the end to not have our lives come full circle in honesty is absolutely unacceptable. just saying that makes me want to reach for alcohol to calm but i have to drive myself someplace today.

September 16th 2013
WHACK! Mom just can't connect the dots. GULP she was driving the car when a head-on mac truck rendezvous raped my life. I was brought up in private school with no extra help which totally short changed the potential I had left. We already know of the special needs of my nephew that my sister had to do all by herself because her son was too smart for slow classes. Ditzy sister never shared this information with my caretaker. Ditzy sis is not connecting the dots of my lack of a caretaker. My caretaker just took a condescending attitude with me that her grandson has "A JOB." how ironic his job is teacher's assistant in a private school for special needs. I tell mom he was special needs and she doesn't believe me. IS ANYBODY AWAKE????? DUE TO MY CARETAKER'S NEGLIGENCE I AM NOT READY FOR CERTAIN ASPECTS OF LIFE AND I AM NOT LIABLE WHEN I TURN DANGEROUS SO SOMEONE BETTER FIX THIS MORON IN THE WAY INTERNATIONAL. someone has got to catch wind of this and fix this. Cheers!

mom just asked what date it is. i just lost everything...we just had a blowout. How dare this NEGLIGENCE get away with this. Christine doesn't understand what this is all about. Someone kill this hitch who kept is in this misery.

i do love my mom but this overwhelming stupidity done by her, the courts, the lawyers, oldest sis, etc is looking dangerous if someone doesn't fix this child left behind at the surrogate's court. The woman is being's beyond me to comment on.

September 15th 2013 
Christine is on a short fuse these days. Very negative and it comes from mom. When I brought home a brand new life with golden hair, a yipping bark, triangular ears, and a sagging potbelly coz stomach muscles hadn't formed yet there was a lot of so needed laughter in this house and Christine went from being zombie-like to interactive. Even after fourteen years later after Cookie had to be put down Christine readily laughed at certain things. That is not the case anymore . She'll get irritated by little things. Cheers! 

I don't know about now coz it's cover-up time but for years claire professed how bad mom's negativity is.all of that doesn't matter now? the goodness my dog did for Cheistine wouldn't have been possible without my exboyfriend who was particularly good with children and making people laugh. Males are naturally more easygoing like that but some rise above others.

wonder what kind of impression i made on the cleaning lady being that it's mom's hairdresser for years. mom talked to a friend she made at work years ago who had been laid off i think and that friend didn't even know mom had a bad leg from an accident. it could

The other day mom says "I don't know what your intentions are but in the winter your car can't be in the driveway because the plow guy comes. surrogate's court and her lawyer cut me out of a guardianship under false information that I'm uninvolved in this house for many years.until somebody fixes this lie that exists I have to cut expenses which means plain vodka with juice 

atty straub from budd lake area with norrie and associates which i think is out of montclair originally is the gullible fool who fell for my mother and oldest sister. claire's thinking from her religious perspective is that lying is not best but she'll point out a verse in the bible where a man of god had to lie to carry out god's mission. oops! didn't realize plain vodka has 3x the amount of etoh as flavored. The other cool is court-appointed Christine Accardi-Mirda from Mirda and Accardi. I had a female lawyer tell me she knows Christine Mirda to be a good atty and very knowledgeable about brain injuries as she declined to take my case. Cheers!

 September 13th 2013
  Comfortably numb earlier than expected. Can't handle this. Been trying to get intervention all week and the lack of response is making me paranoid that the interveners are or have been involved in the judge's decision.

God that really sucks that it's seeming the person who violated me with the house stuff is adding up to be someone I trusted even when it was mutually agreed upon we had to go our separate ways because our ways of dealing with our injuries was causing a problem. Afterwards I never spoke down about them and wished them well - even set up for them to be connected with like-minded people for networking.  

Life review memory. I was only a year old when this was taken yet I remembered it as me the one crying. It's not me who couldn't reach. It's one of the "flashes" before coma I "remember" of my life.

Photo: Life review memory. I was only a year old when this was taken yet I remembered it as me the one crying. It's not me who couldn't reach. It's one of the "flashes" before coma I "remember" of my life. 

 Mom's an accident waiting to happen again. Talks to the only other guardian not mentioning a word of her latest medical woes which encompasses possible unnecessay surgery, current medical worries which might conflict with said surgery, the need to be like everybody else who don't have other injuries thirty five years old, and the welfare of her and Christine during and after said surgery. NOT A WORD. how about them Mets? The weather?

oh donna that's not my real bday i went to college with the best computer geeks around. i know way too much than to put my real info out there. i also admit i'm somewhat paranoid. i didnt bother uploading the pic yet of Someone's bday - claire, stephanie, you, and michelle with bday hats on. thanks for the belated wish but my real bday is in the vicinity of 2 months in the future. my mom says she thinks michelle is in Georgia. i saw michelle when it used to still be the grand union and she had her baby in the shopping cart and said she was happily divorced.

i have to get to a computer about the pic i'm talking about or else it's gone forever on my flip phone. are you guys in that one bday pic with claire at the head of the table? the other pic is an actual memory i had upon waking from a coma and i was only a year old so it's my evidence i had a life review and was resuscitated in our accident. i stopped talking to claire when she refused to take me in when i was being evicted from a nursing home. if you read my other posts on here you'll see that claire is being painted a pretty picture but not reality of this household. i would love to have the same relationship you have with michelle but not without honesty. i should never have gone upstate. i was just following claire's footsteps of getting out of this house but the difference is claire had a court order and all i have is a death wish. glad to hear of your belief in astro signs! it shows you didn't follow in the footsteps of The Way International. i think you'll recognize the cowgirl. 

 September 10th 2013 
Right on my nose I can feel something is poignant somewhere about me. Can't say I didn't say it.

and along my eyebrow too. those are the disembodied spirits I'm talking about. i'm innocent.

September 9th 2013    
then take me under your wing! this abuse by my guardian has me over the top.

I take that back. Unless stated or pursued otherwise, once turned 18 you no longer have a guardian. no one stated or pursued otherwise for me. i was 17 when taken for a second opinion to get into college. when recommended coll didn't take me in, my then guardian got away with not protecting me and had plenty of years to DO something solid for me.bottom line is incompetency...nm i just keep repeating myself.

fuck my early and responsible plans for the day i need sleep. so this moron given guardianship of me says last night to get ddd up here to help. as she's been sleepwalking my existence i've been involved with these people for eighteen years and they're NOT going to help me. i was too blown away to go into detail at the time. they used to help me but due to budget cuts they won't be now.some time in the past three years i looked into them. it ALL falls on HER. in one breathe she says she can barely take care of herself and in the next she can take care of christine just fine without me. bottom line is that this biach (better?) has and is the loving harasser of my life post injury.

without a fucking job my hands are fucking tied to do anything and not having a job is making my unproductive existence a fucking warpath.

How about giving me a fucking job to untie my fucking hands. I'm NOT fucking cutthroat so you have nothing to worry about.

I'm losing my mind. 1sheep 2sheep 3sheep...

Yeah I fucking miss california too. No deserts here to go die in like there. No fracking fluid to go drink and die from here like there.

Me: as i answered the phone i notice a dent in the beam that wasnt there before.
Mom: well you and went and bought that house...
Me: i was being harassed by a landlord here and harassed by you...
Mom: you werent being harassed by me...Mom: call some organization up there to help you.
Me: as I've already told you I haven't washer dishes or not lives out of boxes since strangers moved me in need to get on FB where I've posted all this.
Mom: I'm not getting on one is going to go up there...
FUCKING INSANITY AND ABUSE OF ME!!! She says everyone is busy with their own lives and I tell her she needs to explain the dire need. When I was 17 she took me to a NYC doctor to prove I could go to college after morris county recommended I not go. She says she didn't and I ask her if she remembers her. She says she domestic but that wasn't for me to go to college. I FUCKING LOSE IT THAT THIS LOOSE CANNON IS DENYING EVERYTHING. I suggest to her we all go to counseling where christine's medical plane is STILL waiting to be acted upon. This loose cannon control freak took on more than she could handle and I told her my sleeping medication better still be there when I get back. She KNOWS I work so fix the surrogate's mistake first so I know I have a reason to stay there and help her do the things she CANNOT do in a timely manner.

Just left 2 voicemails with a guy who has done regular work on my house. Since I have no protection out here in the world that's all I can do. He's a genuinely good guy and i'd be shocked if he came and took away the work he did. Is he being set up? By the guy who put a metal roof on my house upside down? And I've been waiting for that court date. My sump pump was unplugged when I got here and neither people who check my house unplugged it. My workman is such a good guy who's been crapped on by one of the businesses around here.

letting go of life but i started doing that a year ago and unfortunately I'm still here. my family and the courts don't know what they've done to me as my vulnerabilities destroy my ability to function out here all alone and socially isolated. A lot of that is the exact same of my mother who should not be left alone as she is. A lot of this is learned by my mother but each situation unique. Dealing with waves of sadness. My work guy is a good guy. WHAT is going on????

Live and learn my family and DO something about what your sister,niece, daughter, cousin, and in-law got herself into. Many more links to come. These are also for my friends who have personally known me since high school and before:
and so much more information proving Rich and Claire dead wrong. my mother has more of an idea coz she lives with us but mom doesnt know what questions to ask to whom and she is too overwhelmed. DO something my family or possibly my close friends can save me. i was raised by an incompetent guardian who caused a court order to be given to one of her dependents while simultaneously being given total guardianship of me and christine. SOMEONE FIX THIS PAST MISTAKE SO I CAN SALVAGE WHAT LIFE I HAVE LEFT. Unfortunately I didn't die so someone is stuck with fixing this mess. I cannot be expected more than i'm capable of. I'm not lieing. I don't lie well just like Bernadette on The Big Bang Theory.

I stayed at a truck stop in rapid city. Used bathroom sink water for teeth brushing. Ate a meal at the restaurant there. Went to the wild life drive thru there. Will that end my misery?
America’s Chernobyl: Radioactive Dust Near Mt. Rushmore & Black Hills
Read Story - Watch Video ===>
of course got my morning coffee there and think i picked up a rash there.

I REALLY need family help/protection. Things have been done to my house while I've been gone and I have no protection or help from anyone here. I can't even depend on the corrupt police here. I need physical help here. I need someone to look out for me or I need to be dead.

as i commented in my mt Rushmore forward i came away from rapid city with a rash in my groin and underarm area that hasn't gone away. The sooner death gets here the better at this rate wherefamily is acting deaf blind and dumb. I'll go to a doctor when mom goes to the surrogate's court and officially includes me in christine's welfare. For sure.

September 8th 2013     



September 7th 2013    
I remember this story from tv as being the sister victimized last and is what made Karla crack. Reminds me of my sister and brother in law

i was going to get up before but laying here is an exhaustion symptom that started in 1991. Mom didn't do anything. What was Claire going to do? When I would be home on breaks I would spend my days doing brain exercises and my mother would yell at me as to why I wasn't out working on break like all other college students. That comparison was WRONG. can't accept how this all turned out especially by the influence of two people who were uninvolved in our lives. I think I'll get drunk again or maybe just lay here. Family could always get involved but they don't and some won't. Spiraling down down down...

getting drunk won out as i'm left here to be all alone and just think. I need to call mom and see if she went for her knee appt yet. Her functioning is visibly worse. If the surrogate's court doesn't fix this...nm

mom didn't answer the phone. don't know if she's genuinely not home or playing the part of letting go of apron strings. zzzzzzzz

flashback: after living with that new orleans chick who probably went to the wedding of john kaplan and catherine fallon, something came over me in the summer of 1996 when i couldn't stop crying all day in my apartment. i decided to ask mom about the time in highschool when i was out of control about not going to the shore after the prom like everyone else. during this rrage is the only time she said she loved me. Instead of communicating back to me she simply said "isn't it time for you to come home? " her tone to me was not one of adequate guidance but just saying or repeating what someone else would say. Someone needs to fix this. Other bizarre things that happened to me at this time was visions of an indian doctor saying to my father emphatically "but the brain" and my father shaking his head no. Local news station can't seem to have a female as a co-anchor. Could hire me but seem to insist on keeping their boys. This is the area I met my one and only that nothing else mattered but seeing all boys and no females on the newscast has me reeling.

i woke up this morning :(

someone's going to die if this doesn't get fixed. there's no way I'm accepting strangers robbing my life of the family i was always going to return to after following directions from a loose cannon immigrant.

woken up by house noises over an hour ago. getting drunk again. this is not healthy for me. Sure I'm independent but despondent in a situation like this. had no witnesses around when fumes entered my home 9/14/01. that was just after my mother got christine involved in DDD.

September 6th 2013   
and the job I applied for that was available when I hot back went to someone within

nerve wracked about what i'm going to find.I've been gone for a year & not supposed to b alive

i'm too alone for this.

so scared and all alone and no one to share my life with.

hot water problem, leaking sink problem, battery needed for chirping smoke alarm,don't know if co alarm is working, lava lamp over ten years old turned from blue to yellowish ...i wish i didnt have this all by myself but i went from immigrant harassment by my mother to landlord harassment with the new orleans chick that i just wanted to start my life in peace and if that meant my own place that's all i thought at the time. my life wasn't supposed to fail like this. possibly a new orleans voodoo spell? i don't know . anyone who knew me then and knows me well now knows this craziness is not wut i'm about

i think back to when i first got my house and i'm overcome with a wave of sadness. I knew nothing about the surrogate's court at the insistence of my mother who didn't know herself and never leaned on anyone for advice about me except in the context of me being impossible and not medically needy. Four loko taking faster effect on an empty stomach of 2 pickles and a leg of chicken with a taste of potato salad and a bit of chicken breast. Dill pickle potato chips to stay awake longer. How ironic CBS is airing teachers with a control freak from nj. There's a difference between many things. Kept the tv on which woke me up after 4.5 hrs. Think of my psuedo-republican nephews in a different light. The younger one sounds suspicious and cautious like this mother. He's the one with the developmental that had all this needs met. The other one volunteered Afghanistan for 6 months. I hope he froze his goods or got someone pregnant before he left. Otherwise depending on his job is looking at having a baby with birth defects. I can't handle any of this. I think I'll get drunk again. Listening to the heartbreak of Mt. Rushmore. FDR didn't know of some of the destruction he caused. Once he found out committed himself to park preservation. When first going there white men were greeted by curious bears. We spoofed them . Recently heard of an NDE in which a woman witnessed those spirits in hell milling around self-absorbed stuck in eternal repitition about what happened to them. I must be a living hell-dweller because that's already what I do.

September 5th 2013  
Getting comfortably drunk rather than pulling an Isabella Yun-Mi Guzman. Typical conversation:
Mom: so what happened to the job in california? It ended?
Me: no I left. I have a house to take care of. I could have stayed with advancement but oh well. That's what happens when you have no family to help.
Mom: well if you solid the house would you go back?
Me: no. You can call the surrogate's court and fox the mess you maiden.
Mom: let's out a sigh of me talking shot again.
Me: you don't get the breadth and depth of this. I will never be what you were hoping (occuring under her nose for years) .
Mom: looks at the tv saying nothing ignoring the conversation (alex trebec being the plastic image she sees before the blade swings out rupturing her corrugated artery and it's over quick). Payback for keeping me alive in this misery. Instead spending time with four loko so I can get closer to doing this some other time.

mom: this pan is to not be left in the sink like this. me: well it was all GREASE. I needed to soak it...just didn't get to wash it. mom:(under breath) this should never be left in here. me: well I should not be subjected to not having my childhood needs met...something you can't understand unless you've grown up in America. mom: silence. me: clanking of 2 ice cubes in glass for the final numbness/slumber Vodka. So how about those Mets? The weather?

I have to travel again tomorrow for five or six days. There's a situation to consider that I might not make it back. If I bite the dust throw a party for I have been set free! I am NOT to be autopsied or otherwise left in northern NY. Unless you've settled in to life that fills your hearts desire the place gives the creeps and there's disembodied spirits in the area ESPECIALLY women. Return me back to the NYC area if anything happens to me. I'll give you a hint : Babe Ruth.

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