Thursday, April 17, 2014

February 10th 2014
Mediator's report done by the end of the week. Mediator doesn't know who to send it to. Neither do I. Mom doesn't connect the dots the worries she has over her own sisters and that her children suffer the same. I'm destined to kill this bitch from the other side. I'm not going to prison for her ass that doesn't belong in this country raising handicapped kids.
a possible explanation of the people in this family that just don't fit?

I put the evidence right in her face of my first diagnosis when I was a minor and she tried to destroy it. I'm in an escape.
February 9th 2014 MY GOD SOMEONE HELP US! Christine is involved in handicapped groups and mom just found out one of the mothers she's friendly with is in the hospital with pneumonia. She and the handicapped daughter live with the older daughter who is a nurse. I asked mom what would happen to Christine if that happened to her. Her response was that DDD would care for her. Great! I'd have the house all to myself to return to spirit because this loose cannon wasn't able to properly care for her handicapped children and she STILL isn't making plans for the what-ifs. Greg Zuk hope ur emmissions of light and love get someone competent to take care of this NEGLECT. This incompetence doesn't even address the fact that ... I'm fucking tired ... going to concentrate on something I can actually look forward to.

February 8th 2014 give me a reason to live/stay here and I'll start doing this everyday like i used to before genius Michael P. Mcgee pulled a no-brainer stunt on my brain injured life. mr. manlius thinks he's all that i guess. In response to: "Had really good workout today. Didn't want to at all but made it. Sauna good for the sinuses."
i just couldn't sit through hearing clueless talk to her sister overseas about accepting getting older joking around. Like she prepared me for it. I was going to watch Sochi from 2:30 to 6:00; come here and then go watch Sochi again at 8pm but no I'm going to be numb longer today. Just can't accept this. I could accept this if in the end something different is done but I just had to have a run-in with a fucking stupid judge by the name of Deanne Wilson. What mom could do also is admit I was too much for her to take on because she doesn't know about a lot of things in America but noooo. Heard back from the mediator this morning but last of her message is cut off as to when the report is done. Not sure if this is a waste of time. Not sure how much energy I have left. *fingernails screeching down a blackboard*
greeeeeeaaatt. car problems can happen out of no place. 
i only wish to be put out of my suffering. save mom her money in fixing my car (i have no other choice) and let me die with dignity. today mom had problems doing things for Christine because of her hand problems and pulled a me saying in general "help me." i'm tired of having a raw nerve ridden by repeating "go fix ur mistake at the surrogate's court and u'll have help."
mom wanted to know who was on the tv so i told her as usual they're 2 people from Detroit who have been training since they were 7 and 9 unlike me who had no violin lessons, no ballet lessons, no tap dance lessons so i turned into nothing. didn't have the right guidance i needed in highschool either so that's how it goes... she walked out without saying a word. The usual. Doesn't know how to admit.
went to bed early thinking i was numb enuf. cike! Christine lives in frustration not getting the help she needs when she needs it. mom often is napping and Christine has to keep yelling for her. Again someday I'll know why my fate came in contact with an idiot judge named Deanne Wilson. mom doesn't admit it's too much for her so the children dependent on her suffer. me moreso because i never had ... no need to repeat or I'm just too tired. her ignoring all my requests but encouraging irish step dancing makes me think she insisted on staying within her element. Christine and Stephanie's non-irish step dancing recitals are still on display. i had already been under Claire's big sister impression that anything irish sucks but Claire was simply tainted by being blamed for the accident which i had not pieced together at that age. i just want this life over already. better luck next time. wish i could remember my past life.
Worry. Stress. That's what this house has done to me. No protection. Dream of ice skating into a cement wall woke me up after 3 hrs. Worry and stress keeping me awake. Sick to my stomach. No one saved me. Still haven't heard from mediator.
February 7th 2014

Mom doesn't have as many probs as she makes out. Just she doesn't get the technology while I have a technology degree. Go for it. Keep pushing me or fix the problem. I'm just waiting to die for all the recklessness I've been left in.
 February 6th 2014
It's all clear now. This incompetent immigrant for her disabled children just sits here while I just sit here. If she's so right and I'm so wrong call the fucking police or get a court order to get me the fuck out of here. What a MORON for the needs of a handicapped child in America. Get the fuck out already or DO something idiot! UGH! and the one friend long ago who refused to get involved saying my mother is "sweet" after cutting her hair every week is now a nurse. Just to think what her response might be now. Oh but it's too late for anyone to save me now.
Mom can say "neurologist " and I'll never get credit. Now there's a chicken commercial about crossing the road by lawyers who help sue which most likely will be used by the parents of the guy recently killed in a western state which my dipshits parents never did. Great. That's what Vodka is for until i'm ready to go.
February 5th 2014
wow still here after a week but straight-jacketing myself. a week ago today approx, learned mediator was gone away instead of giving me structure to go by that she had promised.
February 3rd 2014 She's still going on " this has to go to recycling but I can't deal with that either." ... "just hope she calls." This woman is like a case of tinnitus which is fine if in the end i'm included in Christine's guardianship for all the things Christine is missing out on. I'm almost back asleep for numbness. Almost. I'm a witness to the confusion Christine can't speak.  
Some days are worse than others in containing the rage. Mom suggested yesterday about joining a gym for about the fifth time. As usual I say "take care of what you need to at the surrogate's court and I'll do that." In dismissal she waves her hand. It escalates to "I told you what to do or you're going to be sorry. You're not remembering when I held two jobs and went to the gym everyday." I then hear her call Claire and in conversation paint a calm picture over a situation that totally stressed me and Christine out because she doesn't have any coping skills. These flare-ups is the stress Claire received court relief from. These dumb bitches got another thing coming thinking they're just going to do what they did and smooth sail on out of this life. Woke up the other morning to mom's flurry of mouse squeaks over the Britta water not being filled all the way. I tell her filling it all the way after taking a drink is a problem because then it would be done contrary to how she's always said to do it. She then denied the way I said was ever the case. THAT'S THE CONFUSING ABUSE THIS BRAIN INJURED RECIPIENT HAD TO GO THRU WITH THIS UNEDUCATED INCOMPETENT IMMIGRANT IN THIS HOUSE and yet the loose cannon uses it against me ommitting the fact my life is a crash because I was left in her care. Then some stupid fuck sitting on the bench named Deanne Wilson lets it be. Just fucking wait. Just fucking wait..... woke up to a flurry of her shit again this morning until Christine's bus called and said they're cancelling. Then everything was silence. To bring up all the loose cannon things she did before receiving that phone call would be me making shit out of nothing. Keep it up. I date you. The end is near.
February 1st 2014  
Oh what the hell? No ex invasions in my dreams! Especially that kind! Lol. Was good to finally speak to you after all these years but...just not in my dreams! What you did was step over a line where those things are allowed to happen in dreams. Out!
much better - not the part about being woken up from little sleep because of a dream but no ex. this time i was talking about life before the accident which is a good sign. maybe that means I'm finally getting at that big secret before coma that's been gnawing at me all these years. maybe there is no big secret. maybe the wall that's been bothering me is the brain injury personality change that comes with brain injury. well time to get myself back to sleep and in a few hours count the 120 or so super bowl ads and see which products are new.
January 31st 2014 
Trying to figure out life again. Stumbled across an obituary yesterday of the stepbrother of my childhood nightmare who was about six years younger. (That's why the plow guy came here last night to pick up his payment - after the funeral and reception). His mother outlived him who has been battling Hodgskins since atleast the 80s. Ironic the stepbrother died from being hit by a car crossing the street which usually always involves a fatal brain injury if it is a fatal hit. Turns out my childhood nightmare spent a year on probation for assault involving a hate crime. The hate part of it was never proven by the grand jury but just like that small mind from this small town he just couldn't break out of homophobia. The sad part is he was found guilty of assault in his own business establishment. Now the stepbrother's son has to go through surrogate court proceedings - I can see it now...he has to be adopted by someone now and being that this happened in a western state now there's jurisdiction questions. I haven't seen any mention yet of who the mother is.
later in this day   as my life flashes before my eyes being medically and legally neglected by an immigrant who had no fucking business being in charge of our lives all i could do was go down the list of all these people from my life who have lives with kids and jobs. mom is famous for paying attention to all these other lives not appropriately taking care of her own children's lives. she never tells Claire about her friends - only me. i had to insist in 2008 that she stop telling me.i dont need to hear about everybody else when my life went no place. i particularly took to the bottle when she told me my ex had his second child and what the baby's name is. then a year later WHAM! a surrogate's court letter shows up in the mail. OH?? gee my welfare used to be with them...what about me???? and i never had nor have any protection from this loose cannon. Clueless fucking clueless.
January 29th 2014
Leonard talking dirty to pryia (or trying to) is a good depiction of when my long term ex wanted me to talk dirty to him. I'm not into phone sex or mindplay. Victoria Secrets for the bedroom is a waste of money as I saw it at the time. I've come to understand this phenomena a little more.
Just came across something indicating Claire either bought or was given my mother's house in Ireland. Is that why the worthless bitch falls silent after saying she had to take the house off the market? AND never said a word she was going to Ireland with Claire in the summer of either 2010 or 2009? THAT'S the type of Shit this paranoid over-the-top immigrant does. Time to prepare my recording device. Instead of dating again or bringing in some other adult to bounce her perspectives off of me and Christine had to put up with constant loose cannon ways with no one around to shut her up. On Sunday Christine told mom in the midst of her flurry "don't worry." Mom made a song out of it and continued on. On Monday I had to deal with her flurry and shut her up with doing something to call the bank so she could know what her balance was. She's only using me. When I would talk to her about taking care of the surrogate court situation based on how much she's able to get done with me here she says "oh a lot of what you've done has been helpful." Helpful? It's the same game of Russian Roullette. That house was a safety net for me in case and it's too late for me to have adult protective services or I don't qualify coz I have too much intelligence just like my youngest nephew. atleast he has a father and stable mother to protected him - well Claire is sarcastic and hardened as in denial about a lot but still. We specifically discussed the house w/ the mediator and that's when mom said the above w/ no further info this life needed a plan and this paranoid I'll do as I please and I'm so sick of you you'll find out my plans when i'm dead attitude. The bitch bears and sees me crying out of the blue and as always says "what's the matter?" I grew apart from her with the problems of my life because just when I needed parenting the most would hear me crying and freak out "WHAT'S WRONG? ??!!!" initially I would tell her but her response was always this passive "just ignore it" instead of actively handling my life. she keeps asking me and i'm ignoring her like she did me. Is that why my oldest nephew didn't bother getting in touch with me during christmas? (I in no way blame him based on my behavior/absencse). Here I go doing the paranoia I learned in this house so well. The oldest nephew would be heir to the Ireland house and probably has more of a clue what's REALLY going on here. I have no promise whatsoever there's a secure future for me after our accident mom just used to stare out the window and it was her sister living in england at the time who told her "you can't just stare out a window all day." So mom went right back to doing her selling. IN THIS AMERICAN SMALL TOWN THAT'S TAKEN TO BE AN ADMISSION OF GUILT WHICH HELPED THE TRUCK DRIVER GET OFF - imo I don't know enuf about the case. Sometimes intuition is hindsight. Why was I so upset mom never said a word when suddenly in decades she goes to Ireland with Claire who long before write off how spiritually bad Ireland is? Why am I so upset by mom's silence on a lot of things? Hindsight tells me to really pay attention to other things going on when mom strikes a raw nerve.
confronted her about it and she's saying she has no idea. i showed her it where it's in her handwriting and she still denied it. i asked her the reason for t...doesn't matter... i know exactly why Claire jumped on her back knocking her glasses off her face long ago. i got the idea to go hang at a law library and stay there like i used to for 12 or 14 hrs a day. i have a knack for studying caselaw. having trouble finding a local24hour law library. what would happen is me sleeping from 8am to 3pm and then be studying law overnight but i'm not finding one. Just when I was looking into being a paralegal SU cut out it's paralegal programmed and the other colleges in the area aren't ABA approved which is important.
still haven't heard back from the mediator. cant resist the temptation this morning. acording to mom last night i'm not handicapped. she's still telling me to go get a job and i asked ok so then once i have a job then the surrogate's court situation will be tackled. she said "we'll see." i said oh no put it in writing and i'll have it notarized that once i'm working she will take care of this. me having a job is against what the mediator recommends right now but mom has her blinders on - as the mediator has said i do as well. the mediator doesnt feel any of us are fit to be christine's guardian and i'm fine with that. that proves my point that only all 3 of us hold key pieces to giving Christine adequate care or else Christine is better off taken care of by someone else entirely. The best hours of a law library I found are 40 miles away. I'd have to stay at a truck stop 10 miles away. My mother's sister lives 20 miles away but if she refused to take me in when I most needed it recovering from surgery and needing a low stress environment to go to then she can bite me. I don't have the credit anymore to buy hand,foot,and body warmers like I used to. I still have some left over but who knows how long I'll need them. I still have my arctic suit from Occupy Supply but that doesn't cover extremities. Wool socks alone don't always cut it. The university ironically would be the same one my father went to. If only someone had saved me I wouldn't be staring down a barrel right now. I won't tolerate the silent treatment from the mediator.
ah the stupid bitch this time is not mom - it's the mediator. i am straight jacketing myself with alcohol and things get on the verge of danger around this house and this bitch not only doesn't call me when she says she will last week but i call for the second time this week and now they wont be back til next Thursday. better hope i'm still alive by then clueless. enuf is enuf with what this jackass has gotten away with. i need to make plans for my own life.
as amanda knox was on world news pointed out to mom i could have turned out like that. *over her head* as i numb.myself for the3rd time today. was tempted to message the person whose mother my mother depended heavily on for comfort after our accident and whose daughter i used to hang out with until perceived social pressure got in the way that i shouldn't be hanging with classes younger than me.
January 26th 2014     Time to start drinking myself to sleep. Came across a cyber acquaintence with same maiden name as someone who knew me before and after TBI but was not particularly close with. Turned out to not be the same person. Looked up the person and they're married and has atleast one child. Time for depression when this loose cannon IN THE END is still getting away with neglecting the neglected child. I'm just waiting to die as I hear her talk about all these other former children that never had the needs of a comatosed child turned vulnerable adult. I'm her embarassment. Been watching The Godfather for about five hours now. Was never really into this movie but about 1/2 hour in does talk about how the only way the family is going to get by is narcotics. That's consistent with what my Sicilian friend told me once - that nothing was bad about the mafia until drugs came into the picture. Thinking about the (not) irony in Claire's HS nickname of "Rocco" and the Italian mama who destroyed my perception of trust in the world when I was a teen named Jean Rocco aka Jay Lori. That's also the time when future cop Colleen Kober told me that if I wasn't passing my driver's test to just wear a short skirt. There's mom reminiscing on the phone w/ family making no fucking connection that I'll never have such things. Cheers. I'm guessing I find no drug charges for colleen's brother Michael because she knew what strings to pull yet she couldn't connect the dots between NYS corruption and my mother's inability to move on and provide for her children IN AMERICA.
of all the people that interact in christine's life one possesses unconcerned disregard. gee mom got back what she's so good at...just realized that. Anyway there's a circle of people relative to this one who, unlike the one, are interactive and helpful. there are times when the disregard poses a danger to Christine. mom has been complaining for a while that she has to put up with this person and she cant say anything about it. that's the attitude that crashed this life. unlike christine's sheltered life i had to go out into the world and exist with that lack of strategy type teachings. CRASH. mom learned a lot from giving the court a reason to order Claire out of the house but didn't deal with it constructively so the kids left in the house suffer her refusal to go back to the land she came from to raise them in an honest life and not in a take-a-bow life. CRASH.
had discussion with mom about left knee right back connection and eventually heard her say someone told her long ago that if Christine is paralyzed on the right side she was injured on the left side of her brain. i asked if she knows i have left hemiplegia and she grew silent. I'm telling u this loose cannon is guilty of neglect along w/ a bunch of other people. like a fucking child she grew silent. trust me there's been enuf murder-suicides around here to make it a trend. this dumb bitch just did another no-brainer asking where her money went. it is ok for sleeping medication to come from the pharmacy but not from the liquor store. no answer to that either. GIVE THIS LOOSE CANNON WITHOUT A MEMORY A BOOT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS COUNTRY. STUPID. i'm just going to shut the fuck up for now while everyone contemplates the lives this woman had no business raising in this country.
just informed mom AGAIN about my history of sleeping meds, their cost, and eventual ineffectiveness while pointing out she can say for certainty christine's diagnosis but is completely dumbfounded as to the meaning of left hemiplegia.
gave her 2 pgs worth of income, out going bills,and history of sleep meds / conditions. she's fucking ignoring it. yesterday she her usual ... forget it. i don't see how this situation is going to be saved. was supposed to hear back from mediator last week about findings to be submitted to the court and never did. it's possible it's just not done yet
  woke up this morning wanting to drink myself back to sleep but cant afford it. a heavy load of needing to empty my house out and no one to physically help me. what i need done is beyond what professional movers do. i start to lose my house in June if i dont pay up the taxes. the stress is too much. i see no way out of this. just want to be resting in peace soon.

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