Saturday, April 19, 2014

October 24th 2013
Got up so I can get numb and go back to sleep. I don't want to be alive w/o personal help for my life.

October 23rd 2013  
Today I was told I act like the age when my original environment post-injury changed. Although stung by the presentation I can't say I disagree. That's what happens when you leave a developmental delay/disability unchecked. I was a wise child w/ a high level of emotional intelligence but certain key things are consistent with my declaration i'm not ready to be the age I am. I'll let the misinformation about public schools not having remedial classes slide because it's merely misinformation.

round 2 complete. i think it's unfamiliar noises in this house waking me over 2 hours ago. i have a house i can go die in but that limits my time of death due to the back tax situation. plus I'm not so comfortable spending eternity with other disembodied spirits in the area. except for one soul only.

I'm in my 2nd round. i was extremely tempted before to call Claire and tell her to stop allowing this rediculous amount of money to be spent on Christine when i can care for her just fine. all she has to do is have a consent form/order signed by her,my mother, and the judge. i stopped myself because i'm waiting on other things. today i witnessed a medical professional tell my mother the same thing i did - that just because surgery was ok for others she knows that she can't compare because everyone is different pointing out age, weight, etc. (i kept my mouth shut about medical history circumstance since 1978). in the history I've lived out in the world it is obvious i cant do it on my own successfully. that has to do with things gained during developmental years. this structure in mom's house works for me but recuperating here with mom's nerves and high stress is not conducive and Claire knows that. perhaps she forgets how stressful living here is. i guess i need to meet with you to show you how structureless my life out in the world is and Claire has witnessed none of it yet hid behind her husband's orders that if i was involved in christine's care she couldn't be. that bittersweet photo of us four sisters has NOTHING to do with richard mould and The Way International. united we stand applies here. we work as a disabled team without Claire and she not only has no involvement in our everyday lives but doesnt know a lot going on. i appreciate your input... it's priceless. You were there before and after our disabled lives. I haven't uploaded yet the holloween pic of Claire and Michelle. There's a lot more I can't get down on mobile but your input is cherished. I never knew about your father and not sure when it happened but it's very different to happen during developmental years or later on but thanks for the insight. Before my creditors cut off this message again by calling me I'll hit the "update" button

ok i'm outside of creditor hours and the usual of not sleeping. as far as recuperating from surgery in a low stress environment, that is the clue i thought Claire would know by now - the SERIOUSNESS of being evicted from a nursing home which i was in 2005. and Claire is sole guardian over christine? Claire refused to watch Christine again after her sons had to witness Christine in frustration. and Claire is the sole other guardian? as far as the constant comparison my mother does i understand it's because of her lack of education but not only is that unacceptable in the raising of a child in america with medical needs but it crashed the train of my life with my medical needs unique to Christine. OKAY that's the past. based on recklessness we know of the past there's no reason for someone as competent as me to NOT be christine's medical guardian. focusing on my own life is exactly what my mother is so pissed off about in me not coming back home. then she turns around and uses it against me that the surrogate's court fell for hook, line, and sinker. til there's more to say... my mother gave a story of how Christine can't miss her workshop she's going to yet she's missing it now everyday and doing just fine. She's missing 2 tv shows she sees every night and doing just fine. There's a whole resume of a bungled guardianship regarding children raised by a loose cannon immigrant and an eldest daughter who doesn't have a fucking clue.

round 4 because three hours of sleep is not enough when i'm going to visit mom today for my real bday. this time last year i was asleep in a truck stop near Tracy California in preparation for my participation in the 1 year anniversary of the Oakland california pepper spraying incident. i was prepared to die in November from running out of resources but on this day last year learned about Strike Debt from a fellow occupier also visiting the oakland 1 year. from there i stayed a couple different places in Monterey Bay for the next few months. then i took a friend's suggestion to go to Sacramento which did not work out but i was stuck. Changed my location again for a few months and had my final road trip date set when the clear blue sky rained a job on me by someone I know has spirit working for them. It helped me stay afloat for awhile but knowingly wasn't going to save me leapt on the opportunity to die at home. Didn't work

October 22nd 2013 
Round 3 of salad...round 2 of alcohol...round 1 of The Big Bang Theory. What a life. Round 1 of alcohol happened out of sheer restlessness. Mom's been told many times to fix the mess at the surrogate's court and I'll stay here and get a job. I never have a problem getting a job here. Only NYS. It doesn't help that I spoke out against them specifically at a hearing held by the national council of disability. It also doesn't help I was unaware I had fallen into the political switchboard btwn the united states and canada having no idea I was a bill in a china shop. Just like mom regrets having the surgery I told her she shouldn't have, she's going to regret it if she doesn't fix this. She has a hard time caring for herself let alone Christine. Airhead doesn't have a clue. My california boss is someone I can count on but I assume she hasn't figured things out yet w/ the NY company yet or I can work for her from here w/technology. *bored* etc... cheers

saw earlier the speech one month b4 he died of jfk talking about how we're all doomed with the manipulation of natural resources. his precursor to his suicidal speech on secret societies. i guess that's what i did. if dying at home didn't work i still have enough to drive back out to the desert. mom says she can get inhome help anyway. no one needs me. I'm free to die.

October 20th 2013 
Round 1 and the Big Bang theory

Round 2 complete

woke up depressed from reality and being idle. woke up every 2 hours last night. during one of those sleeps had dream was milling around what was probably a college campus with lots of other people. minding my own business and noticed 2 african american guys in this predominently white campus were milling around me too much. my internal alarm went off and I started screaming help which went unnoticed except for the 2 guys who started to mug me. One of them reached into my purse pulling out a gun and shot me in the neck and my screams changed to "911,911,911..." i woke up being vocal. he shot me in the neck where the thyroid gland is located, thus blew out my thyroid, and the gun in my purse was the exact handgun used in the end by the boyfriend in a movie i've seen "Stalked at 17."...yup.

October 19th, 2013          
The air blew me out of the bldg. Why would I even contemplate saying hello to a liar who just sat there hearing another one of mom's lies. Like I said a long time ago I'll have something to say to airy Clairey when she gets a clue. Prove me wrong.

today's lie was a 3rd party witnessing the earth shattering lie mom made out in court as to why getting Christine help for modern medical help was all a fabrication. she doesn't know the other cat out of the bag about christine's eyesight.

not sure if the adrenaline from lies is keeping me awake or the alcohol took extra time in getting me to sleep or exhaustion from all.

round 3 complete. mom can call me if she needs me today. i just can't handle the lies of these incompetent guardians and mom better fix this or the next time she needs surgery she wont the help around the house she needs. claire's head is too caught up in the clouds by an orgasm from robodick.

October 17th 2013      

Unexpectedly depressed. Intervention by someone non-brain injury specific bad idea. They're familiar with me for years but none of it with working knowledge of brain injury. For example, there's a difference btwn being stubborn and the brain damage deficits of inadequate perception and decision making. Not only that but the cultural difference she comes from: oblivion to the developmental psychological needs and understanding of a child as well as the ability to be cold. In other words collateral damage. Oh at this age it's not even worth going into? 2nd around. Cheers

round 3. Another example is that there's no Big psychological thing about the people closest to me were created long ago in a cruel environment after changing my original post-injury environment. The more my environment changed, the more problems I had with social skills having never had proper conmunity integration. Then add on all the legal things never taken care of. Cheers

round 4. saying maybe mom is dragging her feet because I'm giving ultimatums has nothing to do with a history of medical neglect and recklessness. i understand defence mechanisms but untreated seizures had immediate danger surrounding incompetent guardian if she hears the doctor say "maybe it was a seizure, witness no seizure meds administered, and then fails to take to a different doctor because the same seizure med she's on now is the same available during those years. this intervener comes up with some good ideas but to not see how mom never has dealt with all of this helps the running in circles scenario. with this intervener i got in the habit of making the majority of my daily intake fresh fruits and vegetables but i put on weight. staying away from a thyroid blood test has to do with staying away from non-invasive procedures. not only had i been forced on psychotropic drugs which could have destroyed my thyroid but the post-surgery meds I was forced on was percocet rather than what my surgeons prescribed which was vicodin. The doctor at the rehab refused vicodin saying percoset is the exact same thing. Mom then recklessly helped the eviction go forward by saying she'd take me in...comfortably numb.

October 15th 2013     
Earlier I caught a flash out of my eye as I was sitting finishing dinner at the kitchen table. These people have to understand the damage they've done. I might as well be Jason or Carrie. The flash came from where one of the local psychos lives. Her and the psycho next door claimed years ago me and my friend were peeping toms by snapping a picture of us while we turned around to them calling my name while playing on my deck. They're court case dismissed but it did reveal my dad built our deck w/o a permit. We needed to mourn in peace but instead had cruel neighbors, some of which Claire befriended. There will be no peace until there is justice. The psycho where the flash came from said we were "looking at her in her birthday suit." *gag * this is psycho is probably a shriveled prune naked. I've only ever thought of her as trashy meanwhile her sister is the mother of a boy that was a grade behind me. To make matters worse I was loved by a guy who thought/treated me like I had no life and is all the more reason i'm a train reck today. Being covered by no-fault for life means being stalked for life.

sometimes paranoia and depression is overwhelming. sometimes it's not paranoia at all but bonafide intuition of dirty deeds you cant prove - you just know they're happening.

Nice guardian! Mom's going in for surgery and has to do it alone. As far as I know Claire never offered to go with her even over Ten years ago when mom had to do it alone. Yeah I'm sure it's because of airhead's religious belief that bad spirits are hanging around where ever medical conditions are as per The Way International which broke up unless airhead is in a court of law where God allows lying if it's for good purposes.   

October 13th 2013 
I'm going to get double drunk today. Mom must be loaded (as in drunk is not ruled out as a possibility). She's contemplating spending an astronomical amount of $$ for Christine's care rather than petition the surrogate's court to add me as medical guardian. This care is only temporary. She's paranoid i'm after money. She denies that but she's not coherent (or even knowledgeable) to realize that's one of the arguments her lawyer made against me in court. Mom didn't even tell the nonmedical caregivers about the anti-seizure mess whose doses CANNOT missed. Mark my words - my disaster was allowed to happen. Airhead doesn't have a clue. Instead of reaching out for needed help mom's "nerves" are responsible for SO MUCH. *numb* no ones helping clear this situation *numb*

when shit hits the ceiling morons turn to lying like saying Claire was never court ordered out of this house. ha! you cant erase history. sometimes corrupt people try.

on my 2nd round. cheers!

October 9th 2013     
Holy airhead batman! The things I heard about Claire today. Of course mom is no better. And just to think i'm the only one amongst all us brain injured who insisted on a diagnosis which the surrogate's court turned around and used against me. Happens once shame on them. Happens twice shame on me!

depressed. awoke at 2:30 am and still awake 2.5 hrs later. out of Vodka to put me back to sleep. my airheaded and undiagnosed sister - finally I nailed it today that her clueless head in the clouds is uninformed about a lot of 1/2 baked shell realities mom is living in and i'm the one caught in the crossfire. i knew she was painting a pretty pic for Claire but actually ...screw it - four loko is starting to work.

October 8th 2013    
Things are not looking good. I need a reason to stay in this abuse. Not spend six months proving I can work, workout at the gym, basically be stable just so I can be part of this guardianship. I've lost enough of my life. I understand the demands of a court but I've already proved enough while being subjected to way more than any human ... ugh

ironic i'm watching concussion with the nfl. i don't have a concussion/coma claim against many. told mom she needs to take care of or cancel her plans for next week or i'll be gone. permenantly gone. will it work this time?

stopped watching this pbs special early due to my own medical needs

don't know why I'm awake at 3am.wouldn't surprise me why i an. want to leave this place which would be sat. or Sunday

mom displayed her unwillingness to call a lawyer or surrogate's court to even find out about temporary guardianship

I just heard Christine sneeze at 3:35 am and remembered back to when she used to get up at 2 or 3 am and stay up. My mother would get calls from the school that she was falling asleep in class and do nothing. Sleep disturbances are part of brain injury. Like I said with my sleep disturbances, she would freak out, say it's my guilty conscience, and do nothing. I guess I wasn't forceful enough in my pro se performance at the surrogate's court. Fuck it. Vodka has me numb. Just waiting to fall asleep in the short term. If you only knew the homicidal thoughts I have about christopher luongo, deanne wilson, steven straub esq., and Christine mirda esq.

October 7th 2013       
So Claire would never buy microwavable vegetables. Does she even know the condition of mom's hands not cut out for other cooking methods anymore? Either probably not, has turned a blind eye or something's not right with me in that this house has become too much a part of my existence.

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