Thursday, April 17, 2014

January 23rd 2014 This might give me the perspective to vote. Seeing Dances With Wolves when I was seventeen zapped my interest in what this country is based on. When I voted eleven years later for the first time oh gee what a setup corruption with hanging chad votes on top of electoral college cancelling out the popular vote. Would this perspective really cancel out corruption?
Photo: Straight from the lion's mouth.
Straight from the lion's mouth. — with RenĂ© Upshaw and 3 others.
January 11th 2014
Mom's not looking so good. Dug up court attorneys report from 4 years ago and it contradicts four months of what she said to the mediator. Lesson learned: DON'T LIE
January 8th 2014  For all the innocent ladies out there accused of trying to change a man. We carry on the human race. Ready or not you're about to change. We could have settled this issue decades ago when this song came out in 1969 and made it our national anthem
 January 7th 2014
Dan Windheim - About Traumatic Brain Injury
January 2nd 2014 My nephews get together to go visit a friend where they grew up. Mom reunites with her 5 sisters at any time (used to be six but the one who correctly identified that I was not the dead child died about 17 yrs ago) and she still can't connect the dots of the only thing I have is to take my sister to a get better plan. It's not uncommon for those type of immigrants to not have a fucking clue. The danger is having them. .. nm 
my youngest nephew didn't know i was in a coma for a month and lived in a hospital with Christine for 8 months. enter The Way International for Claire to stay focused on happiness rather than reality i guess?
i'm the neglected child, a hazard to myself the longer this lingers on *crying* as i get myself drunk and wait for the end. last night mom said "why don't you go get yourself some friends?" i threw it back at her about brain injury social ramifications (AS IF IT HASNT BEEN HAPPENING UNDER HER FUCKING NOSE AND ALL SHE COULD DO WAS FUCKING MAKE FUN OF ME - I NEED TO KILL THE FUCKING BITCH FOR YEARS OF TORMENT) so she switched her sarcasm and said about a job. she already has that answer   
December 25th 2013 
So mom and Christine are gone to have a christmas dinner with Claire. I came across a document from 1-28-11 where I asked the court to reconsider the decision against me from 2009. No reply.
So I ran down to make sure there was no ice for Christine when I saw a car pull in the driveway. I open the garage door and my youngest (special needs) nephew is walking toward me. I hear robodick say hello to me (as if!) and embrace the hug my nephew is holding out to me. I ask if they're coming inside. I walk inside leaving the door open for all to come inside. I go upstairs and press record. I catch up on missed time with my nephew. Asked him if he ever seen Forrest Gump as I turn the volume up on the tv and he said He's seen it about a million times. When his father steps in the room I ask if we're going to discuss this now. His response is "i'm not going to fight with you now." And some kind of snide sarcasm as he turns aside. I'm not sure how a question gets interpreted as a fight. Apparently my nephew has no idea I was comatose for a month and lived in a hospital for 8 months with Christine. My nephew gave me 2 hugs before he left. It's all recorded.*feeling closer to death and no one is doing anything to fix this.* I don't think my nephew is equipped with enuf info of what's behind the reason why he'd be helping to clean me up off these floors. After they left I asked mom what the resolution was for this situation and she's as in the dark as my nephew. Alcohol. Forrest Gump. I met a guy once at the truck stop that I couldn't stop calling Lieutenant "Dane" Looked JUST like him even though Gary Sinise had long moved on to csi shows.
Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good. Not good.
This woman told the court 4 years ago she would take Christine for treatment and because she was never held to it, never did. When I confronted her tonight she was still vague. Someone needs to reach out to Christopher john (CJ) Mould (hopactcong nj) and tell him the entire truth. Thomas James (TJ) Mould is living in an apartment off base in Washington, DC (air force - nonflight) with another guy. It's possible they've both been told deception about me since I've been out of their lives. I had as much interest in being involved in their lives as Claire was in mine. When I was being evicted from a nursing home I have no idea if it was tj or christopher who picked up the phone and told me to stop calling there.
Robodick left the seat up in a house of all females. That's what Claire has turned her life to tolerate. The obedient female. Can't be saying what I be dreaming of or else I go to prison.
Blitzed beyond the usual.
I couldn't have said it better myself! : " Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with a traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which, frankly, sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake." Sheldon Cooper - Big Bang Theory
More hypocrisy via Claire as per The Way International who in my many hours of studying with her made it crystal clear paganism is like the root of the problem but then goes and participates in things like Christmas and halloween, etc. Although I'm not one but have studied with them and they're very much like The Way International, I have much more respect for Jehovah's Witnesses who find fault in paganism AND do not participate in what they preach against.
December 24th 2013      Three times today Christine almost fell - 2ce due to her paralyzed side and once that couldn't be deciphered in her temper tantrum. In working with Christine I can tell she has a problem with depth perception or something with her eyes. Mom doesn't have her wear her eyeglasses anymore. All I want for christmas is this situation to be full circle resolved but airhead is pretty bondaged by robodick. More pertinant (sp?) details When i'm sober.
December 23rd 2013 I just lost everything I typed because of a f*cking collector calling and closed out my browser. Let's try this again. I didn't have social media before I was 18 to report what was going on nor did I have a social worker or court order for protection. Is it making a difference? Woke up this morning to "well I guess I'll have to go down" and after Christine leaves I go out and say "why did you have to go down?" As mom struggles back up the stairs says "I always go down...look we've been here alone for a long time just fine." "Mom Christine (doesn't think twice) asks for things not realizing the things you can't do anymore. I did the same thing but it's being used against me." "Just leave and stop this abuse." "No i'm going to stay here and remind you. It's Christine you're abusing by not carrying out her wishes to get better." Silence and walking on as I feel a raw nerve struck and have to consciencely restrain myself from taking physical action (flashback of seeing Claire long ago physically jumped onto my mother's back as she walked away and mom's glasses flew off her face - this was before the court order when I think Claire was dating a guy named AD).
just tried again to reason with mom. there's no reasoning to someone who doesn't know. in the past i would ask her about what if i died and her only response was to make a joke of burying me in the backyard. NO SERIOUS PLANS. i said to her that when she started this guardianship the lawyer must have asked questions about other children and what did she do? misrepresent reality again? can't emphasize enuf that this woman witnessed all she needed all these years....not even worth.
Had a vivid dream this morning that I was throwing some food down for wild animals and more than usual came around to eat and then I saw a skunk running in my direction and for some reason said it was going to run after me. I was surprised that I was right and followed something else (a young boy?) that was running from it. I looked down at the food in my hands and it was chocolate covered. The thing I followed ran up some wooded steps into the next yard and I noted i'm not able-bodied enough to do that anymore so in the dream I skipped over how I got up into the next yard. there was another skunk standing across from a young boy who was unconcerned the skunk was watching him and preoccupied doing something else - kind of like at a place like yellowstone park where I've seen pics of deer just lazing about while humans mill about around them instead of being spoofed and hiding in the woods.
December 22nd 2014 
So mom just did what I incorporporated. W/o letting me know (pride) she canceled Christmas here and made a reservation leaving it open to be cancelled. Claire had called introducing herself as usual which makes little sense especially to a sole guardian supposedly with "a bond" sense... and silently dealt with the frustration of mom's indecision. Christmas Day just might be an appropriate time for me. This is dragging out with no proof anything is going to change. I'm moot territory for this immigrant without a clue. Life would have turned out differently had I realized her inability to provide earlier. Claire talks to her like she's an idiot just like the mediator meeting her now had no clue she lied 
to and withheld information from me as a teen which otherwise could have changed the course of my history. The mediator has experience in dealing with such matters long ago. If you could only hear the things I hear and see the things I see. Me and Christine should have been raised in Ireland starting almost 30 years ago.
 December 21st 2014
According to my sis Claire God knew she wouldn't believe and so was allowed to die as per The Way International, beliefs which Christine is subjected to at this time as per judge deanne wilson. tell me about it. i studied with my sister for years keeping an open mind that maybe she's right until she pulled a doozy on her family member being evicted from a nursing home. previous to and for all i know, during and after, readily had people living with her under less emergency situations. In response to someone saying to me they didn't understand.

Sending us out to the universe again. How it all unfolds is all recorded. Today it all unfolded and it's all recorded. With all the denials that come out of this woman I told her to call up Colleen Kober who's been around since before our accident and ask her how life has been with me ALL these years. Cops stick together and Colleen is no different however she did receive a call from a superior, a lieutenant, and probably is clueless about NYS politics. Mom just came out and asked if i'm feeding everyone "my shit and my lies." Doesn't matter. I have the evidence I need (not perfectly as in from the beginning because this is how things happen from normal conversations to chaos. Today started with her talking to us about catering for christmas and I asked "here?" And she said "Yes" and I shook my head and went back to working with Christine and said something to the effect of "I keep telling you what's going to happen." The mediator didn't know mom lied to me and withheld information from me as a teen which could have prepared my future.
At a certain point mom came over pulling my hair like she used to do to me discipling me when I was being bad as a child which when I asked her about it once said she couldn't remember. I'm pretty sure christine's slaps to my hands can be heard. We learned in this house how to be physical. The only difference now is that mom can only tug at my hair because of her hand pain.
Christine's slaps to my hands has the brain injury element to it same as when I was a child which is to exaggerate the learned ways, aka repeating the action over and over above and beyond. I was raising a puppy that my father said yes to before he died while my mother said no. In discipling the puppy I went off twilight zone "memories" of how Claire disciplined her puppy before we had the accident. What a train wreck.
Txt msg sent to Claire which will probably go unread as she keeps herself away from technology "if u refuse to discuss this family coming full circle u can expect the same scene here on christmas as last u were here. I WILL NOT have the setup with Christine u have created."
Mom came home with shopping which indicated my brother-in-law is coming here. That's what started this conversation today. He's a shrimp fan more so than Claire.
Not doing well today.
Of COURSE! What else is new? "Ty for contacting our office regarding a potential TBI claim...we cannot assist you...if you fail to file within the statute of limitations ... you may be forever prohibited from doing so..." Replied on December 28th 2013 
December 18th 2013 
sending out again. The simultaneous action yesterday must have been the universe saying I'm heard. Nothing is wrong with mom as revealed by the xray. i just dont know if that means justice will be had in some form or another (like the decision by the moron-hall-of-fame judge at the surrogate's court gets overturned or something else if at all).
sending vibes out to the universe for overdue justice. dont want anything else. listening to my youtube playlist of nice songs i grew up with from Air Supply to anne murray to fleetwood mac to neil diamond to barry manilow etc.
help us! Replied on December 19th 2013
December 17th 2013 
sending vibes out to the universe for overdue justice. dont want anything else. listening to my youtube playlist of nice songs i grew up with from Air Supply to anne murray to fleetwood mac to neil diamond to barry manilow etc. 
Would love to know how this happened. About the same time I sent these vibes out mom took a step on the operated knee to a surprise. Now needs to have an xray done. Since I was denied guardianship in 2009 mom has lost some vision, needs a hearing aid, and has lost a lot of the use of her hands, and has full care of Christine. Is anyone ready to save this family yet? I need to shut up for now.
She won't call about the hearing aid so I did. Then things hit the fan and I've made it very clear to Christine she needs to speak up about her desire to get better which mom had her lie to her court appointed attorney about. No guarantees Christine can do that. "...a way to get my hands untied ..." Alanis Morissette
It's like the drama queen thrives on drama. On the phone telling her sister (?) about the knee event and comparing herself to other people operated on that go down stairs LEAVING OUT THE PART THAT SHE DOESN'T FOLLOW THE PHYSICAL THERAPIST'S INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO USE THE STAIRS. Now she's using the 35 year old trick about getting rid of the house (with the excuse being the stairs).
Drinking my sorrows back to sleep even though slept thru the night. Some days are harder than others. I guess I live in unrealities like mom does in holding on for someone to actually save me.
December 16th 2013
All of a sudden I have a feeling mom is swimming in unreality that i'm ok and not going to die if this is not taken care of. Those are the self comforting unrealities she falls into. I should know. Been there. Done those learned things for long enuf.
December 15th 2013 such a fitting song for one way this life fell apart as per when i was 17
conversation with mom as I was engaged in activity with Christine on Saturday:

Mom: you better get that cough checked out (which arose while I was living in a truck stop so whatever the problem, it arises from carbon particulates - I was never in any way a lot lizard however in a year and a half there had been approached 2ce and the second time at least my naivety was prepared but the first time I was confused
declining the man but then got sick to my stomach once I realized what he was proposing, and took off from the truck stop feeling like I'd never return. (me not being a lot lizard is kind of being used against me in this whole situation of some half-thinkers saying that mom must have done something right because I'm not THAT BAD. riiiiiiggghht).
me: I'm waiting to die. I'm not going to get checked out.
Mom: phew (that "I don't take you seriously and stop talking shit" noise I know so well).
Me: What? you need to take care of this or I'll take care of myself.
Mom: (among the comebacks by mom she repeats her latest fad that I'm responsible because I'm an adult. I don't remember the whole dialogue but it was whatever she's
listening to from someone who doesn't know the situation that it's up to me).
Me: I was 17 and you were in charge. Fix it. Even before I was 17 you were in's up to you.

mom says nothing but goes on doing what she's doing. That's the usual. so whatever is going on with mom she starts things but doesn't finish them - exactly what my
life has been like at different times. The legal things the mediator got the ball rolling with mom started reading over and said she'd get back to the next day so when I asked her she said she needs to do it in the morning so the next morning it was put off again because she was able to get her hair appointment late morning. That was 3 days ago and the papers are still sitting here untouched. This is the importance mom places on things (I would say "for me" but she doesn't jump at the chance of getting Christine better so it's not just me).

This morning I walk out forgetting what led to the downfall of this life:

Mom: I'm worried this plow guy isn't going to come back.
Me: You have his number to call him?
Mom: Yes but I have to wait.
Me: well if he's not here by a certain time call him.
I go about my business and turn on the tv. Mom calls out asking if it's news on.
Me: Well it's weather.
Mom comes in and sits to watch the tv.
Mom: I'm worried this guy isn't going to come back.
Me: didn't we just go over this? (my tone of voice gets extremely annoyed and tense as my life flashes before my eyes that no one kept tabs on this loose cannon raising medically needy children). That's how my life fell apart...instead of being able to strategize of getting through life this is what I was raised in and what I went out into the world and did ... basking in worry.
Mom: there's lots of people like that.
Me: (I feel the raw nerve get pulled) Not everyone has a child that lived in a hospital for 8 months with the diagnosis of severe brain damage...(words continued until I stepped out of room).

This started yesterday of what sounded like a joke she made. Why? Growing up here it wouldn't have started as a joke. She just changed her tone of voice about it because I'm an adult now(?). There's a question mark with that because she didn't start acting non-motherly to me until I contested the guardianship as I was
approaching the age of 40.Something is not authentic and I know there's people out there who see right through it - they just never saved my life while at it.

Mom goes about the rest of her morning routine. That's been life that unraveled the falling apart of this life - the basking in worry is just a check on keeping track of things (I guess?). Had I not come from a special needs life perhaps I would be able to handle this very differently. Instead, as with any hospital-traumatized child (to say the least), there was a heavy dependence on the environment I was released to. I'm not even sure if I put this all into words. It's unbelievable how I made it.

OK so that's the past - I will not have it happen (in the end) that some robodick in The Way International, married to my other undiagnosed brain injured sister, are the sole ones written into the life of my hospital-mate sister while never having a significant level of involvement . It's only a matter of time.

The suggestions my mother is taking from the mediator are being acted on at a snail's pace (which is a bad thing). The mediator is allowing mom to not be truthful
based on mom's "pride." That "pride" caused complete confusion to a needy child needing set directions and guidance (not sure if that sums it up). I was not the only
child raised under these stressful conditions. One received a court order not allowed back here. One did their best to live up to inappropriate expectations. And one can't speak for themselves but is intuitively understood by the the child left here.

So the plow guy came a few hours after the above and it happened to change the mood of the day. When he came to the door I asked him his last name since he grew up in the same town I did. I never heard it before and we never crossed paths but he knows people who knew us and my mother is familiar with some of the people. At one point he pointed out someone he knows stating "yeah the bad accident" with that small town tone of voice indicating everyone knows. I grew up with that. (I can hear Alanis lyrics right now "...I dont want to be adored for what I merely represent to you..." "...see this pedastal is high and I'm afraid of heights..." "...that I would be
great if I was no longer queen..."). So I immediately said we all were in a really bad accident long ago. His response sounded like he didn't know. He was five years old when we had it but everyone knew. He may have forgotten but I'm sure once he asks he'll be like "oh yeah them." turns out also that someone he knows who is of significance is the reason Michelle Obama was here a few years ago.
December 14th 2013   Must be stress that woke me up after 3.5 hrs. Slept 6 full hrs last night. Mediator is not as helpful as needed. Basically only gets mom's ass in gear to DO things. It's the same things I've been telling and illustrating but she renders her children useless. Vodka. That double standard of ignoring but expecting the best is the recipe of a crashed life under the comatose / brain injury/ incredibly reckless circumstance.
getting numb soon. someone better step in soon to reverse this family and court discrimination against my brain injury. told mom today not to have christmas here. i will ruin it if still here. 
December 8th 2013  Another Big blowout without Christine in the room (thank god). It's all about going to the mediator tomorrow which mom started out saying she was not going to do. Now it's come down to she's going to go to the mediator tomorrow and tell them off. Good!!!!(?) Is she going or do I have to drag myself to follow where she goes before the mediator appt? Laying in bed all these days has put me over the top. It's not healthy. And from the way mom is acting I wasted my time in her seeing that without me she would have floundered. I made the same mistake being away for so long thinking she would actually get it. WRONG. This is the danger I was never saved for in having a low-iq(?), uneducated actress take care of my life post injury under the radar screen. I let her know that 13 years ago she got by just fine after her 1st knee replacement because at that time her hands had not gone bad and it was before the time her eyesight went bad. Her response was to hold up her hands indicating there's not a problem - momentary denial.
mom's really laying on the sweetness now with christine. that wasn't the case before i started spending the day in bed leaving mom to her own devices. Christine was sitting at the table laughing to herself as i sat resuming our game from yesterday. she was recalling the time yesterday as we were both working on it and bodily noises became an issue. again i dont know the age where those things are funny but someone needs to save this situation before lies overcome truths. the year is 2013 and this girl turned woman never had a neuropsych for god's sake which is specific brain injury testing. i haven't spent the day in bed so we'll see how this goes.
she uses this as a weapon against me but not Claire probably because Claire is not as familiar with this household. i came really close to pulling the plug on me today. that's what happens when family gets under your skin i guess
and now i see that's an open way Christine will be around me but not mom. if Claire never saw a temper tantrum from Christine then she sure as hell doesn't interact with Christine in this way. have to wonder how devastating it would be for Christine to come face to face with my death. Claire and her stranger husband have no business dividing this family. my nephews aren't strangers but their father is.
tonight i corrected mom's lie that Christine fell while doing dishes when she was finally put on seizure meds. today she said i was right about that however i think it was in court when she said i was wrong that Christine was on the landing waiting for the bus. i wouldn't be surprised if mom suffers multiple personalities however that will not stop me from pulling the plug. all irish are known for guiness,smoking, and not holding back from telling someone to fuck off when needed. all 3 are completely abscent in her life. was she raped or molested by a man who smelled of drink or smoke? her sister was sent across the country to a catholic hospital for polio and i assume that's why she fought so long to keep Christine out of anything like that of it's kind. i'm a victim of an undiagnosis? it's a diagnosis in America but not necessarily ireland - especially pre 1990's.
I'm restless. need a life. need to be rescued. Wish this had been around 13 years ago as I was talking to myself saying "help me." My india friend was around telling me to get out of where I was and get a job at his company and that I was ruining my life. My mother was telling me the same thing but my argument to her was that she already ruined my life. I had NO IDEA at the time the surrogate's court could help us. In this case it will kill me. No joke. Was just watching ghost stories of fort jefferson and it seems the would there counted the days in 1862. They were never supposed to die there but someone just left them there to die. That's the whole scenario with me and northern ny. I know a woman whose european mother came to northern ny and got married to what turned out to be a sour man. Although her daughter was raised there she took the same stance that she wasn't going to die there. The only place I wouldn't have minded dying there was in the arms of my one and only. oh what a ruined christmas it's going to be if airhead and robodick come here. I will not back down. Don't come here if I'm still here. I will drive you out of the house like I did the last day. I'm not exiting this life without the truth being drilled into you. I will not go down in silence with this brainwashed religious sect cruelty.
that's only one of many information links to be read continuously. 

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