Wednesday, April 23, 2014

March 20th 2013 
I need $7.55/day for my fresh food (not canned) back!!!!!!!
atleast for now I have some fresh garlic to cut into my rhaman noodles.
 March 19th 2013
Short sighted holy rollers who think they're doing god's work when instead they refuse to have open ears and a heart to LISTEN...geesh! Dogma will kill us all.

  March 18th 2013
God which is in all of us is activated. This is prominent when we help others. I will find out tomorrow if the help suggested to me today is going to help me. This is partly from someone who served in Vietnam and is currently being f*cked by the govt. Been there. Done that. Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day? Vera!Vera! What has become of you? Does anybody else in here feel the way I do? I may sound like I'm going off the deep end. I need protest to be at the Morris county Surrogate's Court. Oh pineal gland oh pineal gland open up and consume me from this harsh lonesome reality that will kill me.

suggestions haven't worked so far. now b4 anyone starts their mindless chatter about feeling sorry for oneself as another way to slap me in the face (names of the guilty withheld) consider all options have run out after whining and waiting for someone to keep medical guard over me.

depressed. it doesnt help that my meals today (and many more days to come) consisted of endocrine-disrupting, thyroid-destroying canned foods. one of my face slappers,in downgrading my hardship, said how they lived in a leaking tent eating nothing but canned food for months. if they dont have the catastrophic injuries I had as a child. perhaps their situation can handle that. congratulations.

was watching...wait let me finish that thought...the face slapper doesnt get it that those catastrophic injuries were only made into life altering dna due to medication imposed and surgeries imposed...never mind. if she's that dense in piecing it together let her waddle away in her own little world. anyway tonight was a very emotionally charged CSI episode when Hodge's wife is killed... er criminal minds...but his son was unfounded by the killer. at a certain point I started to decipher it and light hearted shows like big bang...lo and behold a trucker turned it to big bang after for a break from the heavy emotion and the trucker who wanted to change the channel so bad burst out laughing more than I did. he's getting in touch w his inner geek . so I'm very alone and just wanting this life over with. the guy I dated for too long and then called me after he had his first fight with now wife, is a good church going girl. wonder what her church thinks of me. I may sound like I'm stuck in the past but have to remember what u see is not what u get.

  March 17th 2013

when did the weather start getting nice?

 March 15th 2013
 Another day and no idea if anybody or anything is going to save this life.

The truth I live for (and the lies that ever so depress me): "dec 25 1642 Julian calender ...jesus on the other hand was actually born in the summer. His bday was moved to coincide with with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter winter solstice with lit fires..." - Sheldon Cooper, Big Bang Theory
  March 13th 2013
Mark my words ... With this nice weather, something is most likely going very bad for me. If the spell has been broken then it's going very bad for someone else.
 March 12th 2013
So if you've been following all my posts I must now post everything after realizing firsthand my mother was never really there afterall. She loved the idea I was driving across the country, and when she said her friend was questioning me going by myself I asked her if she told them it's my bucket list. She passed me off as frivolous. When I said I'm going to die out here she said I'm just talking crazy. Just like Christine has been saying for close to 30 years she's trying to get her paralyzed arm better (which there are treatments for these days) and she passes it off as Christne just talking. I have $600 to my name, yet another employment agency is not hopeful about my employability because I dont have enough experience under my belt...a witness is a witness.
 March 11th 2013
I found out a way to empty out a truckers lounge with dish TV! They were open to suggestions for what to put on. I said big bang theory. Some grumbled. most left. A few think it's funny. They can change it if they'd like. Until then mission accomplished. I'm in a near empty room now! lol
I'd love to know who's calling up my NY phone and playing classical music on my voicemail. Is it the same person who saved my voicemail msgs for 2 months only deleting them after I noted it on strike debt Facebook? Is it hanibal lector? Today 3:35pm est time was a short clip and last thurs I have it noted as 3:39 pm est and it took up the whole 2 minutes or whatever voicemail allows. Should I start calling myself Clarice?
keeping note of what these days have in common. a "Katrina" spoke to me in the bathroom both of these days who's been living in her car a year but doesnt sleep here...just does her makeup and hair here and is religious. keeping note incase it's another actress like Jean Rocco (jay Lori?). when I was fit and trim over 20 years ago lots of people watched my ass. I always watch my ass 
and there go the fire trucks...
well since Hannibal Lecter and Clarice came to mind after receiving a phone call 4 days and 4 minutes apart, I just finished rewatching Silence of the Lambs after 21 (?) years. Just to think that in all that time I went no place. Of all I was supposed to do...what else is 4? 4th grade, 4 years old, 1982 was 4 years after 1978. My testing reveals I'm above average in 2 areas: long term memory and patterns. freak shows happen in 3s and 4 is one later. "According to Chazal, our Sages, the number four signifies completion, wholeness, or fullness, as we shall see." I don't remember that 20 years ago I understood or it stood out to hear "Oneida Park, NY" or "Plumb Island" or "plumb (island) animal research..." I don't remember if at the end of the movie I realize he called her from Papua New Guinea where they practice cannibalism. I'm guessing I completely forgot about how the movie puts psychiatrists in a bad light. It also puts trans-sexuals in a bad light but that's more of the time period whereas these days trans-sexuals are more of an ok thing than then. 4 rhymes with door, lure, more (and variations), core, shore, etc. I really need to be busy with mind is really too empty. If I'm dead in 600 more dollars it wont matter anymore. I've seen Katrina more often and today she invited me to her church. I thought I already made myself clear but anyway I'm not trying to be mean. NUMBER 4 The world, completion, practice, repetition, realization of power, ability to use practical thinking, basic form of order, prepare for renewal, instinctual knowledge... 4 is made up of three and one (3+1=4), and it denotes His creative works. He is known by the things that are seen. Hence the written revelation commences with the words, "In the beginning God CREATED." Creation is therefore the next thing - the fourth thing...Four deals with stability and invokes the grounded nature of all things. Consider the four seasons, four directions, four elements all these amazingly powerful essences wrapped up in the nice square package of Four. Fours represent solidity, calmness, and home. A recurrence of Four in your life may signify the need to get back to your roots, center yourself, or even "plant" yourself. Fours also indicate a need for persistence and endurance...and the possibilities continue.
I guess we can mourn what we've done but China just became the biggest importer of fossil fuels(?). China also doesnt care about destroying aboriginal Australian heritage in its appetite for uranium mining.
 March 10th 2013
 I dont use my name or photo on fb so if u get one from "me" or look like me, it aint me!
Photo: WARNING!!!!!.....
and by the way there are about 22 people out there on fb with my name.
This judgmental waitress did it again. Got greeted with some story by the manager that I'm in people's way when I only sit there everyday. I complied but when done with my herb tea decided not to set foot in there again. Looked this chick in the eye. She knows what she did.
so it's been going over in my head what my mom said something about preparing for when she's not around. that doesnt include me. being left a loose cannon with no one to intervene that's what it boils down to. so my constant dependence on her including calling out to her in vain as I was being assaulted by police, she makes sense of as just
my ways and one of those things. if she doesn't prepare for me then I'm looking at being dead before her and according to the last time she talked I'm on my own. there is no life insurance policy and nothing to provide for my death. how do I know if my father left me any $$ to survive on. all she said about him is that he left everything to her. that very well could be a lie. I've known this woman's well meaning lies that turned tragic.
so not sure what woke me up at 2am but working on getting back to sleep. I never want to wake up. I find it very unusual the amount of birds I hear. at night?what?
does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day? Vera! Vera! what has become of you?
 March 8th 2013
 March 6th 2013
Starting to rain here which seems to be a big deal. Was supposed to start yesterday.
rain woke me at I guess 3:30 in morn. so needing something I can return to. I'm 500 yards from Rte 80. if only I had a reason and a plan to return to. between falling back asleep and alarm going off had dream about chiropractor...something about going to new house/office. interpretation has something to do with my iodine deficiency anf needing a self change. there's only one person that entered my dreams before that turned out to be premonition-type. we're not particularly close but for some reason their dog spoke to me through the universe twice or something gave me premonition. I'm not trying to mother-bash. had I turned to dyfys as a youth they prob wouldnt do anything because there's nothing available for emotional abuse. also factor in she's just being her old fashioned Irish self. would they have saved me then and put me into appropriate? there's no redoing how things were done but there is a result. give me something to come back to. the assumption was ok she's been let a loose cannon so she'll take care of me til I die. she's witnessed my life falling apart. then the dumbest judge on earth does something so completely stupid that I lose all footing...
so as usual my mother tells me something someone said that contradicts what I said. She refuses to tell me who though which doesn't mean I think she's lying. She taught me long ago very clearly not to trust the insurance. That's not the case these days. If she is talking to anyone with the insurance she has to remember they are saving money for the insurance and not on her side. Claire is even worse. I have confidence that after hearing things from the insurance that don't sound too good she can piece that together. She just needs to be careful what dominoes she starts because she hasn't been around ALL this time to get the full picture like my mother's uncooperation with the insurance long ago. One person I know that works for insurance says be nice to these people and you've got it made. That was NOT the case of this hurt and angry immigrant my mother. After being forced to live in the boonies due to her husband and then losing her second child by death; added on is the massive medical responsibilities she suddenly had and it doesn't help matters that prior to her having needy children she stayed away from "people like that." Now suddenly all eyes were on her. She pissed off the insurance from the start and the insurance had a field day with what they knew. Oh and when she said I just don't want to work I knew she's listening to some lie about me. She knows I have a high work ethic. Needs to make sense of it somehow I guess even if that means lies. And the tragic novel continues...
I need to speak now or never. I guess when I received the piece of the mail from surrogates Court with no warning or preparation whatsoever (the norm so I should know better) that it all started to come clear I've been dependent on dead air so to speak. I cant believe no matter what I do or say she's not registering or accepting my reality. going on my bucket list in September she didnt take serious; as I run out of money she has no response; and the list goes on. I now have $600 to my name and I had planned on paying all my overdraft protection with the $400 I had to transfer in but that wont happen coz $250 of that $400 has to go to bills. I need to plan for no one saving me and no one taking care of me.
had another out of the blue dream. this time the friend who committed suicide in 1987 was either alive again and committed suicide again or he appeared to all of us to give the vision of suicide.I think it was the first scenario. you could feel love and peace in the air. he started doing yard work from the other side to help out. I literally watched yard tools doing work with no one there. I think that's the first time I've seen that 1987 friend in my dreams. Or actually remember him being in my dreams.
ok trying to explain the mother can take care of simple basic things but there's some confusion. I got an estimate for two things wrong with my car. one has to be done and not doing the other means just having a noisy car. I told her I might just get the one done just in case I have other emergencies that come up. her response was she didnt know what to tell me sounding like she has endless resources to pay for everything. confusion... She's either ignoring or not accepting that I'm not going to have anything to live off of soon. In other words she has no problem taking care of band aids. But to heal deep infected wounds she's dead air. Not fixing those wounds by mediation is having me stare death in the face. ????
I'd actually be home in 5 days given a reason to return. would have to drive a 12 hour day just once to avoid staying in the heart of tornado alley.
ok so the initial stress that brought this on is over with. I saved my mother money by 1. paying for the estimate and 2. getting only the necessary work done. unlike past times though I have to document what is going on. I cant believe my emotional well being and other more-than--the-basics was left to dead air but I assume that's how insurance plays it's game.
so wonder what out of the blue dream I'll have tonight. cant express the breadth and depth this has on me. a friend from hs stopped talking to me and it really hurt so I tried to take a look at it like it's prob bcoz I dont interact the way other adults do....basically something I did consistent with growing up where I never had people stick up for me so it must be my fault. a woman today got to know my story that I completed my bucket list and I was not interested in praying with her due to my own deal. insurance guy long ago not only fulfilled my mothers wishes for me to be outside the system but fed into her loose cannon freedom that has me wishing upon a grave. No one is going to save me and God love the friend out here that is such a comfort but her suggestions are only going to do so much. Yes I understand she graduated with a 3.95 GPA and had no problem getting different jobs until recently when she spent 1year out of work, sent 120 resumes, got 6 interviews, and 2 offers. My situation is more tragic. I have a friend who misses the mother she knew before mom developed Alzheimer's disease. My mother may as well had Alzheimer's all this time. She was never there for me in what I needed. She was supportive but not the total parenting plus that I needed. I cant accept this. I cant accept being obviously ignored and then salt even further to the wound a Court judge ignoring me further. She dodged her parental duty, is getting away with it...
waiting for my one shower/wk. just left my mother a voicemail after she couldnt hear me over the cell phone about taxes, etc. told her that w/o knowing who she's talking to about me she needs to talk to someone in voc rehab or the hosp. I'm not lying so why else would I be saying. I have $600 to my name. it takes $300 alone in gas to get home. no I'm going to die out here. never heard back from the Surrogate's Court. her...shower
sorting thru the confusion of how I got here it all started to unravel with my admission denial to marist college in Poughkeepsie. After I insisted on diagnosis my senior year of high school my mother called up her friend who was a retired nurse (and who has carried knowledge about us to her grave) about what to do. This is when I wound up at a neuropsychologist office in NYC. She recommended marist and I was denied admission based on my hs grades. Here's the key: INSTEAD OF GETTING A PROFESSIONAL INVOLVED RE A DOCTOR'S EVALUATION AND RECOMMENDATION SHE AND HER UNEDUCATED COUSIN CALLED UP MARIST TO NO AVAIL. THE BRAIN INJURY ENVIRONMENTAL NEEDS HAD STILL NOT BEEN DIAGNOSED YET.
Now more unraveling: right at the time I was given a diagnosis I met the guy I would date for the next 7-10 years. Spending time with him made me get called down to my guidance counselor's office that I may not graduate. He helped me in my assignments to graduate. I was the wind beneath his wings in making sure he gets into college. As he would do so, all he would complain about was punching a clock day in and day out at Edwards Engineering Factory. So he got his butt in gear and got his college application in the mail. He went on a family weekend orientation and I went with him. I was impressed with the orientation and since I was denied access to college I applied. I got accepted. On the admissions orientation he stayed over at the guys dorm and I stayed with the 3 roommates I was assigned to. This is where and when social petrification peaked (later diagnosed as brain injury specific social skill deficits). So being petrified I ran to him and "dragged him away from the good time he was having while trying to get to know new friends and I think I had a sobbing session (many more of those to come).
It was high school I didn't almost graduate but the new facebook is not letting me edit. So the recklessness that got me to this point was under the radar screen with my mother having to answer to anyone and why my mother had her cousin call Marist instead of her sister is because her sister had told my mother a long time ago how unfair it was to put me back in catholic school after the accident. Although Aunt Maureen will deny it now, she can't forget that her initial reaction after I told her everything a couple years back was "I said that!" She worked in the school system - I THINK the public school system but at any rate she worked in the cafeteria for a good 20 years in the school system in NYC so she was around that atmosphere everyday. I'm not sure if she said it was unfair to put me back in catholic school or not leave me back a grade after the accident. I'll be comfortably numb in about 4 hours. My bad. I could have edited the top message.
so the key now after being recklessly led away from marist is the undiagnosis of needing a familiar environment as one of many symptoms. I had fallen into an easier lifestyle in that environment: no one cared if you wore rags and no makeup every day. sure many cruel things raped my spirit like being referred to as the odd couple because he was overweight and I walked with a limp and being raped by the psychiatric industry while insurance no-fault paid for it, etc. I lived at home for a while downstairs while taking courses at the community college. still undiagnosed returned to that college after the county college living in an apartment. this is the first time my sole caretaker visited me and witnessed my living conditions which clearly indicated I was not like normal other people. she did nothing but eventually accept that I'm just not a clean-up type person. the boyfriend moved me to the next college I went to anf created a setup for me to thrive in. I got involved in the local brain injury program and that's when I met a counselor who lived with brain injured vets at the u of Texas Austin and my symptoms were just another case of deficits in right frontal lobe injury of deficits in organization, prioritization, initiation, thought-provked emotions, social inhibition, etc. etc. etc. by this time I was so isolated and no family to connect with and relate to. had to move out of that illegal apartment for a while and dont remember if boyfriend refused to move me then or the next time but since he stopped moving me I've lived out of boxes. the key for my future here is I had legal time limits to act on that I didnt know and had no family to get a grip. after having one session with this counselor my ex saw as clearly as I did and also being legally moronic simply took a coniption fit in my car by throwing orange juice around that made my car drive shaft forever freeze in the winter time. no justice. no peace and this will continue...
so while thriving out of boxes the insurance case worker set up to have someone help me clean. I'm guessing the only thing that got thru was picking up papers because after this girl helped me pick up papers and organize them a bit I said "ok now let's get a bucket ready for cleaning the floor." she said "I'm only hired to help you pick up papers." the whole thing fell apart of getting the housekeeping help I needed
I was too busy with school to keep track of everything else in my life. I totally get this girl even though I didn't tell her. she moved up here from pa and her father is a clergyman. she is some country guy's dream come true as the infamous preacher's daughter. this is what my ex thought of me when he was so in love with a girl who supposedly had no life before him. my ex was in love with a notion, not me. so I get it this girl was swooned and married but learned early on to swallow her emotions. that's just how north country men are. you either convert to acting like a man to country north country guys or you're asking for trouble. the one north country guy I fell head over feet about wasnt country and was a geek putting on a mr. cool act and making an ass out of himself. I was going to bring out the best in him. my intuition knew this. now I'm wishing upon a grave because there has been no other puzzle piece that fits just right and if he were to come to me now after all he's done to let my life become what it is, I'd be sitting in the slammer.
so by the time I had an aid come evaluate my cleaning needs in my own house under state services it all fell apart because my house wasn't messy enough
it was evaluated as a cluttered mess instead of a sticky mess which is too high functioning for services. my oldest sister raised her youngest son under those same conditions. he was too smart for slow classes and too slow for regular classes. the airhead has $600 left to realize her mistake with me. her son had a parent educated in this country to help him with school every night. we all know what I had... dead air leaving me to be cared by the schools who doesnt get it that that kind of total school care is only gotten by a boarding school.
does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day? Vera! Vera! what has become of you?
correction - it was county services not state that said I wasnt messy enough for services. when I was assaulted by police not only did they use my clutter as a mental problem but the final straw was seeing urine in the toilet. there's evidence after I was raped by the medical community they went in my basement and saw the reason why: I had plumbing problems with old cast iron pipes that I was waiting for money to fix the problem. Claire assante mould better wake the hell up. she's only got so much time. she said to me my sister will never know wut it's like to enjoy sex. with her head lost inside of dogma she's not piecing together 1. not only is that the dumbest thing I ever heard but 2. imagine being able to completely enjoy sex but social inhibition and other factors keep certain brain injured unable to have a steady partner for enjoyment I swear this... loss for words. this family needs intervention so much that... Summary anyone?

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