Tuesday, April 22, 2014
May 19th 2013
Sometimes it's good to stick with a strict Italian mama giving you a hard time. It pulls out of you a memory of what led your life into a mass confusion black hole completely inappropriate to my medical situation. now is not the time to disregard my ramblings because it will be sorely needed when I'm dead sometime this summer. My irish immigrant mother copied Italian mamas as a tool to survival. I've been informed that being given a hard time is for the good however in my developmentally needy circumstance it did the opposite of lifting me up. For example, being badgered about what I did in a situation carried over into any time a car accident happened. Instead of being able to point out what the other driver did I always got the ticket or was put down as being at fault because I never learned anything else. When perceiving someone doesnt like me I just assume it's over something I did. I've had that fight with my mother many times why she cant accept that maybe it's not something I did or why she cant just accept and support...it's too late now to leave things the way they are. I'm too warped. Tried gambling today which started out good but I didnt know what I was doing yet (still getting used to it). It's either going to keep me alive a bit longer or suck me dry. I miss the old slot machines I used to play in Ireland as a kid in the pub where there were no age limitations on gamblimg. Anyway there's still time to save this life. There are no laws on emotional abuse for the most part while I'm alive. No one stepped in to interfere what would be in my best interests and I need a PET scan to prove what parts of my brain are working and which arent. Tragically I dont think a PET scan can be performed in autopsy.
I have to record that just like this last part, my Verizon questions like when it took 2 Weeks for my payment to reach Albany and no late payment was tacked on, the phone messages mysteriously staying for long after the 10 day period until I said something on Facebook, and most of all the time period when Verizon phone reps had to ask you permission to view your records even though it was a no-brainer if you said no they couldn't go any further which started happening around 2001 or 2002.
I never meant for this to turn to nitpicking. Man this drains you.
My father never turned off my mother. In the 6 cognizant years I had him in my company, that's all I knew. THAT'S the problem. not knowing when to ignore some things coz it's just talk.
today's events are over the top. So many details I'm writing down so I dont get lost as to how this happened today.
the dominos of the day all started from me being lashed out at in public after coffee stemming from the knowledge supplement from yesterday that monsanto was the maker of agent orange. she witnessed the four other people not know what monsanto was. bottom line is someone feeling stupid by someone trying to be helpful. and the lashing out inappropriately is the epitome of my stress. the other person she did this to stuck around but stopped lifting a finger for her. my injury requires low stress. we'll see how long I last. this is the type of stress I was entitled to be removed from the home over. my mother used to do the same thing when recuperating in her home. after coming home from surgery would cater and then out of the clear blue sky go ballistic. same.
Apparently from the Dominic family but not finding anything on that. Hell for all I know someone around here is following all my posts.
May 18th 2013
The dad I so desperately needed not only for proper direction and guidance in high school but to keep my mom on an even keel opposed to her self proclaimed "nerves." His classmates were George Carlin and regis philbin. Him and his sisters all died from cancer at an early age after growing up next to the subway system in nyc. in pics from Elmhurst queens he's smiling but not in these small-minded smalltown pics. Not sure why. He wanted to move here. Not mom.
now on a pc I can see the smaller image is not so clear. It's a newspaper clipping of Olivia Newton John and John Travolta with Grease. The only movie I can really remember before the accident is You Light Up My Life. It was Christine's favorite song and we used to sing it and have her sing it after the accident.
Sean Cassidy with the popcorn but not too sure who the other two are.
$35 now after spending $10 on four more days of sleeping medication. The guy was compliant in giving me a break shaving off the tax for $10 even. Life has been grueling with 2-4 hours of sleep a night. At this age complaining about it was fruitless. It entailed mom freaking out and doing nothing or escalating to a fight that it's my own guilty conscience and mom doing nothing.
made yet another forebearence on my student loans. The loan has ballooned up to over $64,000 while I've been thrown to the dogs by NYS and then slapped in the face by the surrogate's court of NJ. In forebearance now until the summer of 2014. hahahahaha I won't be alive by then mother fockers.(May 20th 2013)
Make a way for me to survive! Job
$45 cash left to my name outside of money to get back home. this month have 50 left inchecking acct but really hate using any credit cards in California since California has the worst problem with cc fraud. have about $140 in cash reserve. have to pay dollar cash everyday for coffee and sleeping medication. to take $ out of ATM will cost because my bank is not in Cali. I totally get it how the worst thing for my welfare was not being taken out of the home bcoz of stress. my first diagnosis at 17 or 16 questioned whether I should be working while in school but noted to keep the job bcoz WORKING was alleviating the stress.at home.
May 17th 2013
give me something to come home to!
I wanna come home!
May 16th 2013
May 15th 2013
I had $33 to spend extra as I discovered a st Patrick's day and Easter present. I used it to try to survive longer. No go. I had read how there really are $100,000 winners at the slot machines - one of them specifically at the 1 cent machines. I put $10 into a ¢1 machine and it nearly doubled. The rule is to walk away at that point - hindsight. It dwindled down to ¢35. I then put $20 in an unfamiliar machine but withdrew because didnt realize how machine worked so lost $8. I was then able to break almost even to give the ¢5 machines the rest of my attention because I found the ¢5 machines brought me back up to the half even mark. in the end I was left with ¢4 and had to find a penny machine but wasnt familiar with that either so I heard the machine ding once but then after final play no buttons lit up to press so I left with zero. nothing gained. Nothing lost. My funds are dangerously low. Me making it through July is pushing it without taking out my final money to get me home. Oh how I wish my caregiver wasnt lost in the clouds. Oh how I wish she was forced to take her kids back to Ireland long ago so I wouldn't be left with 1/2 a life. my first machine today was the wizard of Oz machine. Watched a guy win $2000 on a dollar machine. Oh how I wish.
May 14th 2013familiar pattern ways are emerging. I'm not sure how long more this arrangement is going to work. I stopped myself when I realized their intelligence felt insulted.the ensuing he said she said along with exaggeratioms is not going to mesh with my sanity. I just want to die in peace - not nitpick.
I love you to sweetpea. saying I or they said things never said and sometimes going to 90 in .05 seconds flat...I've seen that the Italian way before. when I got burned by it before leaving home in 1990 it damaged my interactions and ability to trust innocent people. I've seen myself tolerate this stuff before until I simply become explosive. it's all going to come down to survival with a very short amount of time left.
this is a whole lot of stress. not feeling very stressed now coz I'm comfortably numb. worst of all cant handle the 0 to 90 in less than 5 seconds especially after sharing common ground only to have my responses unacceptable. that's kind of how I grew up. inappropriate to my medical needs but turn around and create an environment of dependency.
May 11th 2013
received the response from the children's hospital today. They only help people ages 0-21. Cant help me except make typical recommendations. Not good.
oh that's a loaded question. I think you can read all about it in all my posts on my profile. Basically I was let go from a children's hospital having none of the hospital recommendations followed. When my father died my oldest sister was given a court order she wasn't allowed back in the home after my mother acted out in court and NOTHING was done for me. If you followed my recent posts, my immigrant mother then acting the tough-loving Italian Mama didn't help. Instead of giving me positive reinforcement to do good in life, everything just fell apart. Of the people she gets advice from one is her sister who has no insight into raising a handicapped child in America and reinforces that once I turned 18, I'm on my own. So my mother holds tight onto the apron strings all the way up until I'm in my late 30's but saying that I'm on my own since I was 18 serves her well now. I was hoping the childrens's hospital could step in in convincing the surrogate's court that something is very wrong here. I'm not going to surivive and the sweet sounding Irish woman will get away with that in this country.... long story... you can read through my posts.
I'm still doomed the way things are. mom left me a message on my NY phone thanking me for the card and if I miss home then come home. THIS IS THE GAME PLAYED WITH A LIFE. NO MENTION OF ANYTHING DONE OR ANY TYPE OF SECURITY FOR THE HANDICAPPED CHILD SHE WAS SO WRECKLESS ABOUT. I'm not sure what part of "do something or I'm not going home" she doesnt understand and chooses to ignore. I'd like to choose now what I'm going to be in the next life. This highlights my intolerance for immigrants who dont know what the fuck they're doing in this country ruining lives along the way. Do the right thing or get the fuck out. In this instance my life is on the line because of some whining immigrant who is getting away with murder.
May 10th 2013
Ok people let's look at ourselves objectively for a sec. After the Boston marathon bombing conspiracy theories flew - not right or wrong - just how it is. I didnt see the same with the Amanda berry, etal story. The connection would be that martial law is a good thing if it had taken place in Ohio ten years ago when these abductions happened and people were forced out of their homes there to search on this crime that could have been solved right away to avoid a decade of terror abduction. Just sayin.
May 8th 2013
f I'm not going to die this summer someone needs to get the correct interference super fast http://www.braininjurylawblog.com/brain-injury-news...
perhaps trying to be medical guardian for my sister wasnt the answer for fixing this situation but it is a plea bargain to a situation that works in keeping me alive. this is no joke. if you could only witness the emulation put on by my mother. "take a bow" was written for her. the employer Stacy put me in touch with is not calling me back along with all the other places applied to. I have enough money to get home and that's it. got ahead today $2.95.
May 7th 2013
Sour subject alert: the place I go for coffee every morning doesnt have coffee because the machine is broken. (Background: so help the person who expects anything from me in the morn without my coffee). The mortified look on my face was obvious. The woman said she'd have to ask her manager if I could have mocha instead but didnt ask about the refill. I told her I'd be back in about 1/2 hr for refill. Come back in a 1/2 hr and greeted by illegal Mexican immigrant manager who pulls an attitude with me of how gracious they were giving me a mocha in place of coffee and they dont do refills. Then she started giving me an attitude about giving me tea instead. Man I ripped into her except saying "go back to your own fucking country so Americans have enough jobs of their own moron!"
May 5th 2013
Missing home. Saw grandmother yesterday sitting with their child and spouse and grandbaby. If only my mother had spoken up through the years that her daughter doesnt seem to be going thru normal stages. but she didnt and I just need to die in
peace this summer. successfully defined developmentally delayed yesterday.
May 4th 2013
Another one bit the dust yesterday. Someone known for a long time supposedly died in their sleep yesterday. Checked on when they didnt show up for their overnight work shift and discovered in their vehicle. Is that why my sleeping medication didnt work last night? And now that I'm "dead" on under 4 hours of sleep I still cant sleep? My body wont wind down. That's how I went through high school and other schooling on a couple hours of sleep a night. Is the dead keeping me awake and awake and awake...am I haunted? That doesnt explain my friend with the same injury that occurred around the same age with the same problem. They, though, remember their near-death experience.
May 3rd 2013
Funny how that happened. Not 3 hrs in my new spot yet and get approached by a single guy over twenty yrs my senior interested in heavy set women. Didnt get to ask yet if I get dropped like a hot potatoe if I lose the weight I so desperately need to medically lose.
doesnt like tatoos or body piercings. might be a good match. I usually relate better to college graduates. he's a retired auto body worker. *shrug*
another only child. I think the universe keeps throwing those at me because I might as well have been one at least post accident. just conversation...
Hungarian descent. open and honest communication.never married and no kids - fresh from the hay - woot!just talking and friends until further notice. if I'm dead by then there's other fish in the sea. I remember when part of me died and looked into prostitution. No sense in looking for or expecting love again.
May 1st 2013
April 30th 2013
For the second time in life I witnessed a branch falling from a tree on a clear day. Wonder what that means.
"They say every time a branch hits the Liberty Bell and angel gets it's wings."
April 29th 2013
"I'll be dead in a few months so why dont you just leave me alone and let me die in peace." Trying to see how that sounds to all the places I get kicked out of or nearly kicked out of.
April 28th 2013
What sucks: having an above average long-term memory, having patterns-recognition as a stremgth and then needing to decide how to handle it. This time spirit has since given me warning signs that I'm wishing it was clear as day what is being revealed. This is where sleeping medication comes in handy because it's starting to not matter really big anymore to me right now and I'll wake up tomorrow with a different perspective. A better or worse perspective is yet to be seen but at least I'll "walk away" for a while. I'm still going to need to know how to handle it but a lot doesnt matter anymore becoz my life is dwindling. it kind of matters if my injury is used as an escape goat. It will just turn into a matter of letting go. If all else fails, no worry. I'm on my way.
Example of confidence given to me in life: when my parents moved from NYC to Nj they kept the house in NYC renting it out. She had a tenant named ray living there at one point who stopped paying his rent. when I would tell her to take legal action all she would do is say there are all kinds of laws protecting tenants in the city. I would hear her many times yell at him telling him to pay his rent and he would lie repeatedly saying he put it in the mail. I still kept after her to take legal action and she refused. This tenant left on his own accord never having paid his rent. When I was in the NYC nursing home a friend told me how her father or some family member got a nonpaying tenant out - it's the easiest method of getting someone out - cut and dry. Oh I dream of the spirit I will be returning to soon. I was always supposed to return back to my mother and sister even though I was written off as a useless idiot long ago by my guardian. She's going to gey away with it too unless my precious illusions are true that someone is actually fighting for me. Letting go of this life is hard especially when there are so many unresolved issues like that. There is such a thing as being embraced by the light but I cant remember ever having that - cant even remember having a life review but it's the only explanation for remembering me so far back. I'm sure there are other happenings that indicate the loose cannon that raised me that will come to surface. She wouldnt be so loose if she would just do something digferent. Like when I was 18 I suggested she get involved in a widow's group and she made me out to be an idiot. However 7 years later when her friend Barbara's husband died and she suggested my mom go with her to a widow group, only then she started going to one. By then I was nothing but an idiot college graduate. Now I'm just waiting to be embraced by the idiot light so if it's true you choose your family before you're born, I will be greeted by my fellow idiots.