Friday, April 18, 2014

November 18th 2013

Today is not a good day. It's transition after a month. Have to listen to mom still carrying thru on plans for others taking care of Christine when it's unnecessary.

the way i went ballistic Saturday is from the culmination of restlessness, worthlessness, boredom,and others. get-well plan will be here any day and the 3 of us are going to a "mediator." i asked mom if she's going to ask Claire to come and she's not " because she won't go." i sensed mom's surprise yesterday when Claire said no. maybe it wasn't surprise -don't know but definitely something.

can't handle the things I'm seeing here but not going to say a word. i let the surrogate's court know about the inadequate railings on the stairs and to this day this 77 year old asshole just says oh she just took care of it when she felt like it after i had prepared to die and failed at one point. too bad she's old. she's a useless immigrant for the children she dragged over broken glass in this country. For all Christine holds back like the rest of us that's how yesterday is a blessing. Everybody's underwear is hung out now. Vodka is doing me well as I feel disembodied spirits(?) Do work around my earlobe where pierced ears are significant because it corrected the error over which child was dead.

Claire just dropped mom off. i assume she refuses to acknowledge the reality of her life existence insisting she's going to keep herself happy which is what god wants for all of us sideswiping the medical issues that this family is happy to stay in denial of. I just can't find enough words for her but do know about avoidance in the sense that if she can't handle the truth of my words she'll avoid it to stay happy. I know my family. I can't say the same for her.!!! If I died tonight ATLEAST i'd have certain things accomplished. ZZzzzzZzzzzzz

.just signed on to say i had myself a good sob-cry and now feel too sick to stomach to sleep ...hmmmm

going back to sleep since i only got 2 hrs last night. i don't want to ignore people in my life like I've been ignored but it comes down to ending my own suffering if no one else will. based on yesterday my self destruct was aborted for now. the matriarch here says she's in charge not realizing she never should have been. if she didn't need any oversight none of our welfare would have been at the surrogate's court way back. it was there for a reason. she has a free day today and there is no talk of handling this matter. i have so lost my life from this matter not being addressed. it's too foggy to see ahead it's now about 4.5 hr's later and the only thing that's happened is we got a call from the person contacted a month ago to retrieve the original plan and they are still having difficulty finding it from 5 yrs ago. Mom won't simply call up the either one of the lawyers and request a copy. This is her homework to do. I know exactly what to do and would do it if put on this guardianship or some kind of monitoring - lesson learned.

November 17th 2013      
just had another flasback of being ignored. there was a time that for close to a year when i was 15 constantly begging mom to buy a steamer for cooking our vegetables because it's healthier. as usual with SO MANY things i went ignored until her sister told her she bought one and although it may sound comical to some that is a black comedy highlighting the world of invalidation i was raised in post-injury which had serious consequences that leads me to being the casualty of this woman needing to have had oversight in raising her children post-injury.

feeling light-headed today and not sure why. somtimes low blood pressure can do that and if you're eating things like garlic which can further lower blood pressure that can happen. is my heart finally giving out? if so DO NOT save me and throw a party that i'm resting in peace.   

Claire just left and still wont address a life and death issue so i simply kept reading this entire thread over and over and i went ignored. she's coming back and i will resume and their cruelty will resume as well. mark my words. mom says take Christine to the get-better plan and i will not do that, lessons learned, without there being some kind of formal oversight. Mom can have her pride or I have no saving in this life. Mom is doing like my exboyfriend did of reverse psychology in trying to turn this to be just some almost - mysterious problem of my own. Christine was able to answer what mom didn't understand of who the ex is. For me that is a joyous milestone and reminds me of all the good me and my ex did for Christine with a btand new puppy we helped Christine with. Mom sees that as trivial. That highlights the aloofness to our medical needs. I don't hate my mom by any means. But mom has and is making it impossible for still won't accept my refusal to do this get-better plan informally based on experience. Claire is back and I will not back down from her knowing what she is consciensly denying /ignoring.

so Claire has been addressed by mom and Claire is experiencing a temper tantrum. glad Claire finally witnesses this. Claire now knows the screaming Christine does. mom just said anyone would scream at me. the brain injury temper tantrum is still happening. when Christine was scteaming Claire had to go in a room and close the door because she can't handle her family as they are. all this time Claire says i'm the only one who does this. i texted telling her but she denies getting those kind of communications. not that it matters but Claire finally sees this is not just me. mom asked Claire if she would sit down w a professional and Claire refused.

I'm sure Claire will sourly regret ignoring her family believing god has taken care of her. Claire has not been in this house to know the lives she left behind. i'm so glad Claire finally witnesses but i dont trust she will healthfully know what to do with this knowledge because she is uninvolved in the crux of her family. We already heard it from the horses mouth she refuses to sit down with a mediator. I hugged Christine apologizing she is going thru this but obviously Claire is not in this family's best interest. This is why I keep sending out sis flares for help. Nobody is coming to our aid. Mom tried.

Claire just left. like all of us she can't function with background noise which was my reading material.

Claire has FINALLY WITNESSED WHAT SHE LEFT BEHIND. I almost want to postpone my annihalation date to see how this plays out. i think i most definitely will hold off. exactly what i've been saying that Claire does not know enough about this household. i just dont have anyone (legal help) to get the surrogate's court to reopen the case. I'll probably email this entire thread to the deputy surrogate. He has not returned any of my phone calls or emails.

feeling some huge relief off my shoulders about this and emotional that someone's prayer out there was directed at me/us and it worked. no one including me is always right in those feelings but it's kind of like when i posted my final road trip and a job came at me out of the clear blue sky with no rhyme or reason. that's how spirit works and i have to see if this changes anything. i'm still emotional out of the clear blue sky. did NOT see this coming.

man i feel Unexpectedly worn out too.

while i've been here Christine has gone out everyday walking in between our cars just fine yet since Claire doesn't see that everyday she inappropriately moved the cars. she also left on lights that mom doesn't leave on because it's a problem to get someone here to change them. just another example.

Andrea yates was on a cocktail of drugs when she killed her 5 children.shame on the moneymakers of these drugs.

i was raped by a haldol injection all because my old cast-iron pipes hadn't been replaced yet. the cops left evidence after this whirlwind rape of my life by leaving my basement door unlocked. i always lock my basement door so for me to me to return home another reason why Monday seems sufficient time to finally pull the plug on this laughing stock life - no justice. no peace.

fortune cookie: "time is precious but truth is more precious than time." perhaps Claire and The Way International should apply chimese philosophies to medical conditions.
November 16th 2013          

Robodick, Claire, and their borrowed van is here to pick up the furniture while bringing mom home. I have no patience for this. Claire just walked in here and said nothing.

mom's been told she's going to bury a 3rd child if she doesnt take care of this. this fallls on Claire. from the getgo i desired Claire to be included but she abides by robodick who is a stranger to us.

i think Claire said they're leaving after loading the furniture but claire is remaining to get mom settled. I have no patience for this lack of communication. How did I wind up in this deadly negligent family?

i can hear muffled male voices. mom has stuff she's supposed to read over fordirections after surgery andblows it off which is the usual medical negligence we were raised under post accident and no one kept this loose cannon in check

i will not have this and be alive. We'll see how long. I've been here for so long having patience knowing the mistake this woman made. I'm not kidding this woman. She doesnt accept reality and i cant have it that way. Rich came up to say he has to zoom . What a manipulative evil. That's the usual of how uninvolved in our lives he is and Claire is. They have to be in clifton in 45 mins. That's the usual uninvolvement. Rich tries not to stick around much. Taking care of his crippling mother in law is not his priority and neither is it Claire's. I know life here way too much.

Claire's getting ready to leave. that's the usual ... doesn't stick around long. doesn't know how badly mom needs help and mom is fine with her "everything's fine" reality but only with Claire. Me and Christine have been her stress takers. Christine has no choice and I'm being punished for getting away from what crashed my life into a wall.

mom's friend who had great successes with surgery because she has proper supports and no major medical history just called yet all this loose cannon immigrant has done is compare herself to everybody else including the children she was in charge of. She's still comparing and hasn't learned her lessons. Go figure! That's all she'll do. Her friend is surprised she's been gone all this time but her friend doesn't know how medically incompetent mom is. These lives have not been taken care of properly and I'm going to wind up the casualty without intervention. Ah so mom is receiving money from no fault. That's why she spent an outrageous amt of $ on Christine rather than fix this family because she's getting reimbursed from nofault.

Claire can't kneel down anymore because of her knees. She's witnessing mom's lack of planning and letting it slide not connecting the impact that did to her injured children including Claire. She didn't leave right away. As she's going to pick up groceries and dinner I asked mom if she asked Rich about his disapproval of her based on her catholicism. No answer. This was after seeing me and saying hello after showing no cause for concern - the usual ignoring we have a problem. Last night she flat out denied it. I know it's a fact based on my many conversations with Claire before her recklessly stupid move of denying me shelter being evicted from a nursing home

can't take this. getting numb.

Claire's back. I'm going to tell her before she leaves what mom doesn't. Here's another difference. Claire paid for everything to tell mom what to pay her back whereas the 3 of us have always just lived and shared alike. Very much like lives in old Ireland. That could be why she's like this. She's embarrassed and totally turning away from that life. Claire doesnt even know where to look for plates in this house. Clare's oldest was in germany for3 days before going to Afghanistan (or coming back). If only I had a violent streak-i'd push her down the staircase. See how she likes living the only way I know.

man i tottally lost it.all the screaming Claire says she wont have all just happened mostly as she was closing the garage door. we should have had this argument earlier. i would have pushed her down the stairs for her manipulative silence. The fuck when I tell her mom's going to bury her 3rd child she acts like an asswipe.

let go of life tonight? extremely tempting. i think i'll stick it out for that stairecase fall tomorrow if it's in the cards.

i just sat down with mom making things very clear and she just kept going in circles talking about things outside the subject matter

i just made a lot clear to mom and kept bringing her back to point when she kept going back on things we'd already been through about, among others, Claire's descrimination against my own brain injury.

monday's the day I'm planning on taking care of myself if this uneducated immigrant loose cannon does not act. Mon night. How date this uninvolved airhead look me in the eye like a child and say "end of discussion" like you would to a child. I know I still feel like a child but this is not a remedy. Claire does not accept my brain injury symptoms and if I can't take care of this on this side of the curtain it's something to be done from the other side.

OMG this woman doesn't listen to EDUCATED REASON. she's still comparing herself to her friend! I'm too numb to remember what the latest subject matter is about.

oh i remember what it was about. driving for 5 weeks. i specifically remember her therapist saying "uh-oh" when mom said she drove before she used to 13 years ago with that surgery. this time mom is stating she's ok to drive (even with glaucoma she DIDN'T have 13 years ago) comparing herself to the same friend surprised she was gone as long as she was. after off the phone I reminded her about monday until she would answer and her response was "ok just stop." which indicates me not being taken serious.

mom's been told and told and told now and thruout the years.

November 15th 2013
called mom to see what her choice is and she is very clear she is ignoring me. she is in adamant denial her son-in-law has anything to do with it and won't respond to Claire's verification of it. when addressing the issue of how reliable I've been she will agree but she keeps running in a circle that i need to get a job having been told over and over i'm not looking for a job here where getting a job is not a problem unless i have a reason to stay here. she still has blinders on as always. she's been reminded of the dead air she's been in 1996-1997 about doing something legally for us. statute of limitations have long since passed. i had 2 years from the time of kmowledge in 1995. only when I'm dead is she going to regret.     

i gave her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she doesn't understand the legal process that because i acted as my own lawyer the other lawyers had to share the information with me about my in-law. in her 1/2 baked shell she still denied it.

the woman has so many problems with her hands shoulders and knees she can barely afford to safely live here. she has witnessed for two months how many things i've done she cant do anymore yet she is allowing Claire who does minimal to help her to do what she's doing. she still turns off reality. For example, when Claire was here the other day she pushed in the garbage can so it's hard to reach and had Claire been here to know better would not have done that. Mom's to the point of saying to a 3rd party it's not a problem because she just had to use her cane to maneuver it out. Something is really out of proportion here. I know the stress she puts me and Christine thru to accomplish such a task.

November 14th 2013                   
Getting drunk. I just can't handle some stranger (brother-in-law) not even in this picture can't handle no protector can't handle

Called mom and said what to do. If Claire has to pull out if I'm in then do so.

Somebody help me!

I can't just sit still. I remember mom yelling at me that I was ruining my life and I told her she already ruined it.

My god-mother just called here 2ce. So fucking ironic I couldn't get protection from my godparent when I finally told the truth of what was happening. Her only response was she couldn't get involved because she couldn't imagine losing a child and she thought we got nothing less than a million dollars for our injuries. Keep in mind what mom has said to a 3rd party. She did tell me that my godfather was shocked that when they visited our house some years after.our accident mom still had stephanie's room exactly the same and pictures all over. I can't handle not having a protector AND having a stranger have the say in christine's life. In the past year mom stopped referring to each of our individual bedrooms. I can't have this.

Nice to hear from you greg zukowski! Even to be momentarily pulled out of my despair. If only I could get back the time with you guys. I was going after runaway goals, etc. Brain damaged social skills was my biggest killer once I was out in the world all alone and the only thing Claire would do is recite the bible verse that man was not made to be alone. So no one took care of my medical needs and then in the end her husband uses the brain damaged interaction between me and my mother to further rape my life. I need to go buy more alcohol.

More alcohol bought. I'm good atleast for another week. Less depending on circumstance. So can't anyone save this life? I was left with an incompetent guardian and catholic school followed by a botched legal proceeding.

Mom called before doing the usual life-goes-on-as-usual routine asking me if i'm coming to lunch and to let her know. Called her back saying "the only thing you need to know is if Claire can't be involved in this guardianship if I am then you take her off and put me on. If that's how Claire has to have it then that's all you need to know. That's all you need to do." Click.

November 13,2013       
About to pass out.

fell asleep w the tv on and had dream insynch with the infomercials. my dream was an infomercial to sponsor a little girl in helping her. she had long brown light hair and her mother talked about what she needed but couldn't provide. i should have not chickened out of the desert. now what?

contemplating pills. i just can't have this be how life turns out. even if it meant traveling here on weekends to help out while working elsewhere ...

texted Claire telling her to take herself off the guardianship then. that blood is thicker than water and obviously she chooses water

mom just had airhead drop by because she was "worried" Airhead said she told mom that she's free to have me involved but she needs to pull out of the guardianship. mom never told me Claire's response -powerfreak. claire still talks in her biblically taught "sweet" voice. she denied what the lawyers all know and shared that her husband said she couldnt be involved in the guardianship if i was. she was going to use the bathroom and but instead didnt. robodick and friends never came to pick up the furniture because i'm here. it will be interesting to see if mom calls the cops in getting me out of here. robodick cant hide his lying eyes while i'm here.
today i was particularly anxious but held back from posting. that's how i would say spirit works in my case. spirit is trying to tell you something when you feel like you cant sit still.
ok so now that i know what the deal was i might be going to jail soon. mom clings onto me for years and then in the end chooses something anti-her. yeah right.
Claire said that because of the interaction between me and my mother she cant be involved. i informed her about the recent relevation about mom's harassment to my brain injury which she wasnt around to witness. that is discrimination to my brain injury. without intervention I'm left for death. i finished my 4loko. now onto vodka. trying to prepare myself for jail soon by an uneducated incompetent immigrant.
i will not have this. trying to kill myself with vodka. it's not going to work. why would Claire deny what was common knowledge a couple years ago that her husband said she couldn't be involved if i was? oh so she would be ok with me in and her out? this is too much to handle! she doesn't make any sense all I ever planned on is returning home under honest conditions but it's been shattered by some robodick from georgia? And a powerfreak immigrant? And an airhead who avoids arguments at all costs? she doesn't know the lawyers don't lie for her and it's common knowledge she hid behind her husband?
why don't i just give out this address so her house can be robbed and ransacked? that's what she did to me but i'm supposed to have protections as a vulnerable adult. Maybe it's not so bad to not die at home.
November 11th 2013     
Today mom told me she was Watching this same time and other people watching with her were laughing. Although my situation is nowhere as bad as this dramatization why would she tell me that? To pledge her unsupport of her injured child? To gauge her fitting in to american life? To impose a hopeful change on me? Welcome to a cyclone life of utter confusion or inappropriate post-injury life.
and the c*nt still is more concerned about being a power freak rather than resolution for flesh and blood.
and the c*nt still denies her son-in-law played a role. 
after i have proven myself right with 2 medical professionals and lots of other people the c*nt still is acting like the reckless power freak that did this life in to begin with.
damn the day carbon monoxide didn't get the job done. damn the desire to not die painfully. SO wishing i had insight as to how we knew each other in a past life for this situation to turn out the way it did. old-school cold irish fish. i know what happened as soon as we got off the phone. she called a friend as always has and says hello with a cheery tone and engages in conversation that ignores me and the subject matter completely. THAT'S how everything got this way.

it's one of those brain injured directionless moments that holds back from trashing the house and holds back from jumping in the car and holds back from any other remedy not knowing which remedy will suffice.

curse this fucking inadequate power freak guardian put in charge of my life.

i was originally going to fuck the day from not being in the mood for the idle life i lead due to stupidity. it's turned into much more. i dont deserve the reckless guardian I've been given. i dont deserve the power freak c*nt that gave me birth. oh stephanie and dad, why did you leave me here all alone with this recklessness? staying here was not in my best interests. i finished my four loko. now i need Vodka. then i need to decide where i'm taking off out of here.

finally the memory of what would happen. getting on the phone with people and striking a conversation instead of paying attention or getting help on what to do about her youngest injured telling no one what was happening or getting support from some that I'm just a problem or I'm just going through a phase I'll grow out of. Claire was never around to witness any of this and then turns around and says she did her best. I need to decide what my next move is. I'm not going to survive. I'm not backing down from my refusal to do welfare or bankruptcy because this is not my fault and this incompetence stays in her lying denial. She doesn't need to be told yet again I need a reason to get a job here to stay here. That's another way all fell apart. Keeping repeating myself and not being taken seriously...nothing changed out in the world and my long term relationship was the flame to the frying pan ... funny how i picked up that phrase from him.

trying to figure out my next move. where to go and what to do.

mom has already answered the question to a 3rd party if she feels guilty about driving a car that led to the death of one child and other catastrophe and my knowledge was confirmed - she doesn't "because she doesn't know what happened." as I've said before that is an American (or other) mentality that does not fit this situation. the 3rd party believes her and thinks she has a broken heart. her heart is going to continue to break if she doesn't fix this.

mom also told the 3rd party she laughs at people about "this stress" yet that's exactly the claim made in court by her,Claire, and their lawyer about me. at least i have a witness i guess. i took the advice b4 from a post about talking to your spirit guides and guardian angels. after looking into the exercise a memory came back about when i used to talk to Claire about the unsurety of my schooling and my major. i said to her how dad was that smart and she corrected me. i was still in the phase of "well there are geniuses in the world who had siblings and parents that were not" but in either case Claire was exposed to saving this life long ago while raising a child with special needs very similar to mine.

this is the usual. mom calls me 3 times today to know about if she needs to call the landscaper. i made it clear as usual yesterday to include me formally in the welfare of my sister and she can rely on me. i'm ignored as usual. i can ignore her phone calls until she fixes the lies and mess she made at the surrogate's court

since i learned what was wrong with me in 1995 i've known this but this is why i need all spirit guides and guardian angels need to leave me so i can die in peace - they love unconditionally and don't necessarily compensate for impaired decision making and i didn't have a father around for that, once the mystery was unveiled at age 25 I was incapacitated at the time to take care of this aspect of my life and my mother (my sole guardian) was dead air when I would tell her to do something. This is also the time Claire could have saved this life. The counselor who unveiled the truth lived with brain-injured veterans at the university so when witnessing or hearing about my symptoms they were no Big deal. Vodka going well. in other words I need an exception to the statute of limitations and competency to take care of this which is not likely. Spirit of life let me go. I'm carrying way too much without the proper help I need to stay within the environmental life I know and be healthy which is a brain injury need.

mom's still calling. i need death coz no one is taking care of this and i have nothing left.

after spending another day in bed it's time to prepare my drink and watch Ellen. the alternative is someone saving this life coz i cant - a job and medical guardianship

mom just had airhead drop by because she was "worried" Airhead said she told mom that she's free to have me involved but she needs to pull out of the guardianship. mom never told me Claire's response - powerfreak. claire still talks in her biblically taught "sweet" voice. she denied what the lawyers all know and shared that her husband said she couldnt be involved in the guardianship if i was. she was going to use the bathroom and but instead didnt. robodick and friends never came to pick up the furniture because i'm here. it will be interesting to see if mom calls the cops in getting me out of here. robodick cant hide his lying eyes while i'm here.

November 9th 2013 I heard this woman say she had been comatose. I'm fucking pissed off this is seen by others as mental health. It's a brain injury rehabilitation issue. Atleast from my point of view where the injury is developmental and surrounded by cold and cruel family. I was denied cleaning help by the county because I have a cluttered mess and not a sticky mess. It's an old house that I aquired with old cast-iron plumbing that hadn't been replaced by the time the cops let themselves in and saw urine in my toilet which was the deciding factor in assaulting me and forcibly drugging me. I know what this woman's problem is that she is not dirt poor enough to get state cleaning services thru medicaid. Been there. Done that. That is why I choose death rather than the "can't win can't lose" mentality put aside for those with brain injuries and disabilities. How about a f*cking change?     

now that mom has done her homework it was all a completely unnecessary thing to happen. she could have protected my life and property from going out into the world but she was too caught up in the american immigrant's dream for a better life rather than her plans took a detour and she must face or prepare for reality.

Hmmm brokaw doesn't believe in the secret societies suicide speech as per letterman this evening. Hmmmmmm

i also wonder constantly about the crookedness along the straight line from potsdam ny to ottawa on canada

then again someone can save my life from the hole it's fallen into and i don't think and say this stuff that i am uninformed about. stress. Vodka.

! great now bush invaded my dream. the more i spoke the quieter he got which was a bad sign but i kept right on talking like a child that doesn't know better andthe more he silently kept looking at me with a baffled look.


No comments:

Post a Comment