Monday, April 21, 2014

July 26th 2013 
Ok it's all clear now and I'm hoping I made it all clear. When I went to the school nurse over a hearing problem and the problem wasnt hearing but processing they had testing done of me and my mother got her own testing of me in NYC by a neuropsychologist. Mom's missing link was not getting me involved in ddd. Likewise, Morris county is responsible for never getting me in ddd. Mom knows all about ddd from being forced into the services when Claire refused to care for Christine over 30 years after disability onset. All mom has to do now is call ddd about me (so I found out the part of the conversation she never recklessly told me like so many other things. I can't return without a safety net and this is what I needed all along. The independent living center is looking into a social worker for me in this regard. It's still up to mom to look into ddd. Facebook family members who need to poke and prod in this regard are Maureen Murray, ray Murray, Kevin Murray, Teresa Murray, Louise and Melissa and Clare McCarthy, Teresa and Bernie O'Hare, and any1 else I'm forgetting like Yvonne O'Hare. As I said last night I May just do away with myself because there is no living w/o mom and thete is no living w/o reality. I cant live lies and fantasies forever. I get my perfectionist ways from mom and I cant live w/o this massive error having some kind of resolution. Ddd stands for department of developmental disabilities. Judge langlois retired when I contested the guardianship, judge Wilson is retiring soon and if no one fixes this situation I have nothing to sustain my living.

I posted my story many times to all new Facebook friends after the friend bombs all taken down by Facebook (not just me but other people missing stuff). I'm running out of resources for survival and there's no way I'm doing bankruptcy or welfare when this is not my fault or doing. my mother who was given guardianship naturally of me when my father died is an uneducated immigrant in this country and because of her actions in Court my oldest sister Claire was given a court order she wasnt allowed back in the home. the two remaining children in the home were completely unconsidered in this action, left to be raised by a reckless immigrant who was abusive not only in just cultural different ways but medical oversight. longer story than what I can do mobile. I'd love not to give up. I was supposed to be dead this past November. I'm running out of funds/options.

 I'm in my early 40s...sounds ludicrous I know but that's what happens when you leave a child unchecked except for a home with daily meals and good far as where I should be now, I finished my bucket list which was to drive across the country. had less than a month left to survive when I decided to go to the anniversary of the occupy pepper spraying incident on 10/25/12. it was there I learned from an occupy NY visitor, Stephen Lewis, about strike debt. I gave it a try that maybe by the time I cant go anymore they'll get around to cancelling more than just medical debt. I was less than a month away from going on my final road trip the week of July 4th a couple Weeks ago when I happened upon a stranger who upon hearing why I'm here told me i'm hired and can I start Tuesday for part time to turn to full time. this is a business owner who has fallen on hard times and it is to be seen if the business will recover. I dont need to be working in Calif. I have affairs to get back to on the east coast and certain disability-related isolation has made it so that I dont have anyone to look after my affairs. I'm too responsible to just let all fall to hell. maybe my final road trip has changed from the beginning of August to the beginning of September ...I dont see the point in dragging me even further in this reckless post-tragedy-injury life where it seems I'm surrounded by drug addicts not taking responsibility for a vulnerable child turned vulnerable adult.

Left mom a message that I spoke to the independent living center about any missing info. It sounds like he told her the thing to do way back when I was first diagnosed was to call the department of developmental disabilities since I was disabled before age 21. Marilyn mindes didnt even have a chance to mention that. My mother didnt get involved in ddd until none of us were in the house any more and she had to dial 911 when Christine fainted. Get busy mom! It's not too late to call them for me. I'm not returning w/o a safety net for me. Family on Facebook it's up to you to get the msg to mom. I'm really better off dead with no mom and no reality.
July 25th 2014
For record-keeping purposes when I'm gone: spoke to mom who said she talked to the independent living center who said I have to move back there for them to do anything and they didnt say anything else except there's a mental health resource in another town. They never even gave her a phone #. She has no memory of me receiving a diagnosis at a hospital when I was seventeen (conveniently) and her grand son went to Voc Tech because he wanted to. That he got some help with his what? That she doesnt want to hear about me and Catholic school...that lots of people went to Catholic school and have good jobs.
 that there was nothing wrong with him. that it's not true he was too smart for the slow classes and too slow for normal classes so my sister had to give him all the help...never happened...abracadabra. I told her to start telling thing like they happened that I was not allowed to cook, sew, and clean so those are what I continue in life not to do.
that she doesn't want to hear about this social worker from the hospital long ago Marilyn mindes bcoz someone else had her before me and she was just waiting to retire. this denial of reality is causing me even more stress than judge Etna Judy that I May just do away with myself any day now. I cant do without my mom. I cant do without reality. I cant do without this error never being fixed.
July 23rd 2013
Tough pill to swallow. This injured child long ago never got needed intervention and there's no way to intervene now. I can ask a new judge by filing an order to show cause and verified cimplaint and it would be pro se again and there wouldnt be a hearing until September. That's too late. was told by the social worker that had they gotten involved years ago things would have turned out differently but it's too late now...3injured surviving children...2get intervention to assist living a full life. The 3rd (and youngest) is left out in the cold with no protections in place to return to the straddled cannon...trying to figure out the deep meaning in how any of this came about.
 called independent living center and they said they left 2 msgs with my mother after she left a msg with them and he never heard back from her. I honestly let him know that it's prob because when she heard him speak she probably thought she wasnt going to understand him - his brain injury gave him the the outcome of "slurred speach." called my mother and sure enough that was the problem. see I know my family. I know how things work. i've been AROUND. WHERE IN GODS NAME HAS CLAIRE BEEN ALL THIS TIME? so I assured her it's ok. that he has a brain injury and just like Christine talks slow from hers, he talks slurred" from his. all of this is frugal(?) to saving me at this point. we'll see if mom goes into action now for her youngest child.
just left mom a msg that after my diagnosis at the hospital near the independent living center that procedure was followed for a social worker. that social worker was convinced she wasnt needed. WHAT TO DO NOW? Court ordered counseling or something else likeformal inclusion in the guardianship. what else to do now?I cant go on with this ... I'm trying to stay focused but this is hard to do mobile...I need to put another post.
as my ex boyfriend said once, there's a difference between thriving and living. obviously I'm thriving. but as far as holding the pieces of my life together it's not there. when I had someone to move me from place to place and set up a structure to live in (not thrive) that's what I need now. outside of the boyfriend it's always been my mother's house. what I can do now is return to that structure that's always been my post-injury environment(a brain injury specific need). what I cant have now is the same PI environment pretending there's been no advances in brain injury care. let me see if i've been clear between my sobs in this last post...   
I have the message saved from mom to come home anytime. that's what I can do now WITH mediation. I cant go on without all our needs being addressed. ALL THE TIME Christine expresses wanting to get better which my mother has no problem with me taking her to Kessler every week for a treatment plan STILL waiting for her and not being acted upon. there needs to be some type of formal acknowledgment or mediation from the outside. ...
i.e. - my mother's rendition of the Kessler doc was "he said everything's fine"...
what he said was "she's doing well" WHICH MEANS SHE'S A CANDIDATE FOR...
this type of rehab which includes locomotion training, etc
stem-cell research is now in its research phase and when its ni longer research she's going to miss out because I'm not involved. I cant handle this heartache. when one our family dogs died I made it known to my mother we're not wasting time going no place dwelling on mourning; that I'm getting a new dog so we can progress and not dwell. that little yipping whip of a life brought new joy into our house and Christine was VERY changed being brought out of her shell by that dog. you can probably understand where I'm going with this
my mother is capable of providing basics but she is incompetent with the medical needs and progress in her american childrens. she didnt know what to do with me but she can do something now so that her children dont fall victim to what she doesnt know and she's not doing it because she doesnt know how. She recently asked the surr Court at my prodding what to do for me. When they asked if I was competent she said "yes." That was the end of it. She doesnt know and doesn't know that she doesnt know. I think i've addressed everything.
one thing I forgot to address is August. this part time job will keep me going until September. when my resources run out I run out. I will not be doing bankruptcy or welfare based on the mistakes of someone else that have never beencorrected or punished...
what then? who knows. I cant see surviving unless there is needed intervention. told mom she has more time to get this right. dont think she comprehended.
I havent washed dishes or folded/hung clothes since Kayla was one or two years old. sixteen years ago was the first time I didnt have the boyfriend around anymore to move me and set up a structure for me to live in daily.without that personal setup life just kept falling apart. i've been over and over this with my mother and oldest sis who remain abusive to my needs. what to do now? return to the one structure that works for me only with supervision since it's obvious my mother needs that. my mother has seen all the chaotic living arrangements i've been in and in conjunction with my oldest sister has concluded I'm just not a tidy person - that it's just me. Claire has been to none of my living arrangements, graduations, etc. her only involvement in my life has beenbible studies and phone conversations and telling me I should get my degree because she never got hers. I'm an inyegral part of Christine's life and experiences so include me in her carebut formally because we already know the wreck that has arisen with my mother under the radar. someone needs to fix this past mistake to make the present consistent or I wind up the casualty
July 23rd 2013   
Feeling paranoid. Why are cops around me more than usual? What's going on? I guess my boss is the first person I'd call for protection.
voice inside me told me to calm down. it might not be what I think. switched parking spaces anyway. doesnt mean I'm not going to face problems later.
July 22nd 2013      
But my question still remains about why the royal baby is never born still, w/ down syndrome, cerebral palsy, retarded, genetically disabled, etc.
ok Teddy Roosevelt was mamed by polio. any other illuminati?  
seriously .... any?
Today my employer told me again how helpful I am and how my particular attention to detail is so important and really saves so much. That's the type of employment I'm used to in life; that's the type of employment Salina Street missed out on because they didnt want to give me something else to do rather than go home and get paid minimum wage - a surprise attack by the female breast loving, impossible rude jaxkass I was working for. That's the type of employment NYS DESTROYED. I can hear my India friend now about how much I should have just left the area 
July 21st 2013  
Me and the Hungarian guy just waved goodbye. I think he looks for overweight women for certain reasons. We had picnicked. We talked on the phone a few times til we ran out of things to talk about. We happened upon each other a couple Weeks later and I helped him a couple times with the computer. Then he was completely condescending and insulting about people with college degrees and I abruptly corrected him about what adjunct professors are. He made conclusions that were not supported by fact. for example all professors dont have any real world experience. They just learn things from books and repeat what they've said. Meanwhile he was a lost babe in the woods not knowing how to use a computer. As far as I'm concerned he can stay lost. The only man I fell helpless to had no kids, no siblings, and no marriages behind him but did have an education and it was a different phase / time in life. I can hear my college Indian friend now "that's why you dont even try to explain to someone who will never get it" paraphrase. Actually I'm stuck in that rut in life because of the guardian who raised me since 12 - I didnt connect the dots that she wasnt going to get it and then the guy I was with for ten years didnt get it that I already got it and was more advanced than him - not intellectually but with how life works. Jesus his view of me when going away to college was I'd become a slut and fail out - in the end I had a higher GPA than he did and I had absolutely minimal interaction with most every NY caveman man except the one and only that tied my tongue and all else - time stood still ... And now I'm waiting for life to end because I just couldnt save myself after being failed by one after the other after the other after the other... I think I'm just babbling because I'm so alone. I didnt even get to explain that my parking buddy is not here anymore - or until further notice. I didnt get to explain my cop phobia for where I am now. This Hungarian guy really needs to take a chill in life. He probably likes overweight women because he feels it's easier to conquer? Whatever... He forgot our first conversation where I was honest about everything. Whatever.
hmmm so much to say...hopefully I just fall asleep.
Cant sleep.this suxks. Onto round 2 and havent even slept yet which I cant afford to do but someones loud engine needs to crash to oblivion. Hungry but had to get thru weekend on 5 dollar bill and 2 dollars saved up laundry quarters. Mom said she sent money for shoes - I guess she'll pay for my burial and tombstone as well instead of playing the old I'm just a nice and innocent immigrant act and never realized I had to do anything else for my other daughter act. Sorry - I get cranky without sleep. Now I have to reset my alarn for a later time in the morn so I wont go thru the day cranky.
July 19th 2013
Called mom to leave her a voicemail and mom answered. Told her I was calling to leave a msg and she said ok. Called back and left msg about 5.5 minutes long with example that if you allow things to occur one way and in the end when it doesnt work out your way blame punish your subordinate because it didnt work out to your wishes. You were in charge and allowed the subordinate so that falls on you. in the end she got away with it because I didnt have a lawyer. A lawyer doesnt guarantee winning but the chances for loss w/o a lawyer are that much greater which is what happened to me (paraphrase). *crying* someone needs to right this old wrong because the consequences have arrived. Job seems promising to turn to full-time but that is the least important thing on my list when I dont have anyone to care for my affairs which arent here. Besides I need to get back to where people know how to drive 
Some jackass just rode by on a loud motorcycle right in front of my car waking me. It's not the first time this nameless asshole has done so. Now it's too hot to fall back asleep. On to round 2 of sleeping medication which is going to upset my stomach tomorrow. Cop driving by now has me doubting if I should. Screw it I have. Assholes in my life are nothing new.
 man o man that could have been bad. questioned by the cop I just saw. scared the shit out of me. first time i've been here in months that happened. I want to go home 
  they've driven by here before and this has never happened. had to explain I'm supposed to be leaving in August but now that just started a job (just saw him drive by again - now SUV just parked next to me). sitting here with the window open. accuweather says 65 degrees but Cali whether in the elements in the car is I guess too dry and arid. who the fuck is sitting in an SUV here? ah it looks like they laid down. 1 demand: if you mame me (no didnt lay down - shaving in the rearview mirror?) anyway I am to be taken out. I am not to be left alive. 1sheep 2sheep 3sheep... It's an enclosed vehicle so SUV is prob wrong phrase. It looks dark green in the dark w gold trim on the bottom and a tire? In the back.
I shouldnt even be scared about protecting my person out here. the uneducated prideful immigrant should have had me taken away from her many moons ago so I could live a full life appropriately.
its a Mitsubishi 4wd. dark color Cali plates. battery low. It was maroon. Now I'm bonefidely paranoid. New place where I get coffee not sure what to make of the manager. He didnt know the difference btwn debit and credit. Then didnt know ATM machines charge you if you dont belong to that bank. Now asked me where I go in the day. My response was "around" indicating local. I dont need to be pushed over the edge with stress. Little sleep. Lots of paranoia. 
 it must be judge Etna Judy started spreading lies about me. when I looked up her legal name there's one listed in Malone ny. I dont need this stress.I dont know what to believe that she tells me. haven't seen her in a couple days.
Not sure how this is going to play out. Employer predicts increased hours for me. The way things are now, my life has been extended a month for people to realize the grave I'm headed to unless they do something. Employer said they'll help me with the call njls is making to me on Tuesday. I and employer already know I'm an asset. Employer has some of the same qualities as mom. Mom has the downside of disregarding her American children's lives like when the tenant in queens didnt pay rent for a month she refused to call a lawyer and ask what her daughter (me) was telling her that a tenant has to pay their rent. She just kept listening to her Ireland-polio treated sister that there's too many tenants in NYC protecting tenants. Mother was wrong and I was right but that is justice that will never be had because she just sucked up the loss of money from him who left on his own accord. I'm just babbling right now about injustice I cant accept.
*rent for months* and *too many laws in NYC protecting tenants*
how ironic mother gets a lawyer over one brain injured child and laughs at the other one. I have a life on the east coast to take care of.

July 17th 2013
Having gone down lonely road;
even my conscience doesnt know;
What lie ahead for my vulnerable soul;
From childhood I did not grow.
Then a stranger came and drained my life;
All I thought I'd take in stride; but he...battery low

July 16th 2013 

how to break the cycle is fucking easy - pardon me. the U.S. govt destroyed the crop they had to sustain themselves and work with a sense of worth. in my sister's belief in The Way International they continue in this cycle because of their unbelief in the one true God and instead worship things like the sun. how preposterous! how led astray. how sad.

July 14th 2013
So my learning of diff religions goes on. Mary Baker Eddy exhibits classic signs of a near-death experience and traumatic brain injury after her fall on the ice. Kudos to her female-protesting ways at a time when it was unacceptable for females to rebel. With the mormons Joseph Smith and friends were privy to a NYS freakshow (remember the "freaks" from Woodstock, i.e.? The Way International arose supposedly from a hippie pedofile or orgy-loving man. The 1000 year old church seems to be tied onto rituals rather than mind-freedom. I would venture to say catholicism was set up by hungry pedofiles who edited out important books of the Bible, et. And the awe of truth continues so he admits reincarnation was taken out of the church in the year 300 or 400 for reasons the church saw fit.
Father Peter is an ordained Priest and Master Teacher with the Ruach Center. More at and
So far job will provide pocket change and boss is really nice and good to me. I was pulled up on an island for safety. August is still coming my way. Will I be saved by then?
July 13th 2013
Solitary Confinement and Mental Health: Terry A. Kupers, M.D., M.S.P. PART 1
Solitary Confinement and Mental Health Keynote Address, Conference on Solitary Confinement and Human Rights November 2012 Terry A. Kupers, M.D., M.S.P., Inst...
had to look up rawr. I forwarded it from occupy disabled. I dont even buy into mental health. I buy into polluted air land and water creating an organic problem to be organically healed.
July 12th 2013
Will I get to work from east coast? W/o dad or brothers I'm in big trouble. Car key broke off it's car opener holder tonight. 
July 11th 2013
A copter circled me a couple times and went back to Rte 80. Cop who drove by me before made me uneasy.
"but knowing you nothing to hide just to expose truth just know your rights these days"
except alcohol helps me sleep whether I'm in my car or not . cops make me uneasy no matter what. with a brain injury I can fall victim to them at any given time. Just like the diabetic who was pulled over and manhandled by them while in shock
I agree just like the constitution says "we the people" yet the people have managed to feel helpless against business and govt.
I'm pissed at Facebook. I can google the post I sent to all new FB friends but it's missing from my timeline. I wanted to use it as a reference the other day. I did not hide or delete it. Waiting for you to get your sh*t figured out FB!
I thought it was just a mobile problem.
thanks for letting me know it's not just me!

July 8th 2013
Facebook is asking me what's on my mind. Here you go

Ok so I've left mom a voicemail reminding her about how the cumulative past became the present. She told me my father set up schooling for Christine (which can only take them til they turn 21. After that dad had long since died so she sat home everyday doing nothing which turned into temper tantrums and extreme mood swings. I had access to a resource list and gave it to my mother who completely ignored it but it prompted her to call the insurance caseworker who put her into the cheapest and most inappropriate program packaging thermometer s and the like and sitting around when there was no work. I dont remember when and how she was put into something more appropriate but I remember her coming home crying she wanted a regular job and my mother would tell her she couldnt when I knew my mother was short-changing her life. Before he died my father did nothing for me as far as I know except keep me in Catholic school with no extra help whatsoever for the rest of my life when there is a different but necessary life planning for me. To be continued...
The good part about getting a traffic ticket is I'll be dead and it will remain unpaid by the time it's due.
Not doing very good right now. Sent this status update within 5 minutes of getting pulled over for an "illegal turn." He was also going to tack on there "no insurance" but I sifted through all my papers and produced the proof of insurance. I thought they look that up nowadays. I guess not in Cali
If you're going to be near where you were last I knew, I'm 100 miles away from there.
the more time ticks by the more sinking I am. A ticket for an illegal turn?? I was coming out of the place where I get hot water for my Ramen noodles and on my way about my resume to the potential job on Tuesday I would say I want my mommy and I want to go home but it's seeming more evident too late, mommy didn't know how to care for baby in America under the circumstances
 no that's ok Chris. I have enough to get home. I just dont have survival to sustain me. thank you anyway! if you have a sufficient job for me to return to that will be great! phone charging for about 1.5 hrs more.
mobile sucks! I was going to repost the message i've repeatedly posted to new fb friends which tells all about my status, protest, etc but it's not listed mobile on my profile. it's there.
fb is not working right. cant get to newsfeed.
fb is screwing up really bad! just left u a vm that I cant hang out tonite. busy day tomorrow. personal msg wont work either.

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