Sunday, April 20, 2014

September 4th 2013 
Another reminder about the failures of my life: I walk into the kitchen and hear mom yell giving directions as she would to a child: "dont open the dishwasher. It's on." My response: "I see that" as one can clearly hear the cycle it's on. Mom needs her children around because she's caught in only knowing how to remain in this misery. She was robbed the opportunity of watching her children become adults. Me and Christine have lived the psychological warfare of this house. Claire was given a remedy. Not only was Claire unconscious for only a day; not only was she at a different brain development phase; she didnt spend nearly a year in a children's hospital yet I'm expected to be as ok as Claire while my only remedy (or lack thereof) was to remain in this house. My mother's friend Mary witnessed my mother's demeanor around me when I was in college. She sucked in her breath at what she witnessed and then moved out of state. When I was a teen I told my mother's friend Margaret what was happening behind closed doors. No one had any idea and fimally Margaret abruptly stopped me from talking about it, no one did anything for this life, and Margaret carried our secret to her grave. Eventually carbon monoxide is going to get the job done. That's the outcome when a sweet-sounding control freak is left to rear needy children purposefully keeping those children dependent instead of teaching them self-sufficiency in the end not wanting to look foolish or incompetent so a stranger gets chosen over the flesh and blood that has thrived and survived this negligent nightmare. That flesh and blood refuses to come back to where life is easier to live without some kind of justice for the neglected one - me.

HOPING YOU CAN SAVE ME GREG ZUK!!! jesus christ no one knows how bad this is. Of one of the few times in life I spend alone with my mother we enjoy a chinese buffet because I love seafood. During the end of meal we dance near the subject of Morris County and why she's obligated to stay here - of course Christine. When I show her the problems with my car and it might need major work. she says about getting myself a job. I tell go her to go fix the problem at the surrogate's court and she waves me away that I need to stop talking shit. This fucking loose cannon is not being restrained and no one is doing a damn thing about this. No one gets how bad this really is with a mother fucking actress getting away with this neglect. I think I'll go home and double my drunkenness today - ANOTHER CLEAR REASON WHY THIS NEEDS TO BE REMEDIED.

getting drunker by the minute and as I watch mom struggle with groceries up the stairs tell her to simply fix the mistake at the surrogate's court because she can hardly care for herself and i'll be home. the response was silence. thank god for four loko.

very unusual. mom doesnt mention me to her friends anymore. i used to be her pride and joy - i guess when she was blissfully incoherent to the things i would say over and over. when she got off the phone she asked about my coughing fit from sleep. i said I've been swallowing my saliva and waking up choking. that it can kill me. she didnt say anything. mom is now taking on the arduous task of going the steps downstairs where she stores paper towels. prob because of our a"argument" today she's not asking me and has repeatedly refused to call anyone in here to evaluate an electric chair/lift for the stairs which the surrogate's court has been informed about. I'm not sure if i got stabbed in the back by the painter or the court came to evaluate the stair railings with their screws falling out and no recognition of me. when i woke up choking before i spit out black. Very unusual. Mom didn't bother mentioning to her cousin Mary that my first cousin's baby is due to be born on my birthday. That is definitely something that has always existed. Maybe mom is trying to let go of spring strings. She's going about it the wrong way because it is devoid of "ok I screwed up then. Let me fix it now."

September 2nd 2013 
I'm reminded of my failures in this life as I had to yell at my mother to not stick her nose into something I was trying to accomplish - a simple daily task. That's how I grew up post accident not doing things for myself because she had to do them to make sure they werent done wrong. That's her behind closed doors - a control freak with nerves on end. Oblivious to her impact she also expected everything to be normal for me miraculously and then in the end put on a condescending act to make out I'm the problem and all I do is fight with her. Do we have a clearer picture now? My post about losers is not related to this post.

my sister is now also on a med for hypothyroidism. of which she doesnt drink enough water with (directions by my mother who doesnt know better) and she takes a petroleum based B12 and other petroleum based vitamins. my heart is more damaged every time. there's natural treatments for her that I refuse to participate in informally. there's other things available for her like a hyperbaric chamber. *heart is bteaking*...oh Claire got her large print search-a-words and Christine has no idea whete her eyeglasses are....I just cant fucking take this. me and Christine have both suffered from inadequate care but atleast I'm able to go to a natural food store to make up for it or an eye doctor without my mother potentially lying that"he said everything's fine." just like when a reputable physiatrist said she's doing well meaning she's a candidate for treatment but my mother's rendition is "he said nothing's wrong." I just cant fucking stand by and watch potential flounder due to some control freak uneducated immigrant and Christine's life was signed over to the welfare of a stranger in The Way International.

just like I already knew the dumb bitch lied to the Court saying Christine is independent yet mom doesnt eat until she has cut Christine's food, is up every morning to assist Christine with meals and beverages, and Christine just asked my mother when she's going to get up and help her get dressed. There's a lot she cant do well anymore because of pain in her hands yet she's sole guardian until officially incapable and then Christine's life gets thrown to the dogs rather the inclusion of someone like me completely familiar with Christine's life YEAH. I wish I wish Greg Zukowski something becomes viable soon or by miracle I have the job in NY I just applied for. Really? NY pull a CA and actually recognize someone employable?

last night Christine got frustrated waiting for mom to get up and pour and bring her tea to the table with lemon poured in it so she asked me to do it since it's her daily routine. AS FAR AS THE COURT KNOWS CHRISTINE IS INDEPENDENT. mom was up by the time Christine was getting ready for bed so mom went to help her get ready for bed. AS FAR AS THE COURT KNOWS FROM MOM CHRISTINE IS INDEPENDENT SO THAT I HAVE NO NEED IN THIS GUARDIANSHIP.

certain sweet was offered to me. my mother brought it back on her trip. I said "I know who requested that." playing up the part that I'm an uninvolved waste in my family my mother says dumbfoundingly "who?" I say "Claire. it's her favorite especially from Ireland where they taste better." she was quick to point out she brought some back for a bunch of people. I KNOW MY FAMILY but I'm subjected to this negligent and reckless (and deadly)childish game. btw, on top of doing the usual of tending to Christine this morning mom did the usual of accompanying her to her ride this morn.

as usual Christine threw another temper tantrum. I know they can be caused by elevated liver enzymes from medications and Claire doesnt have a clue what's coming her way. mom doesnt say anything just like she didnt for me. my creditors are not only harassing me but also my mother. Christine innocently answered the phone and didnt understand. I think the tantrum started by me signaling for her to not say what she was saying. the trigger was that she did something wrong which means a bunch of things starting with mom freaking out. as I took the phone from her after she told them to hold on she started yelling and swearing which culminated to her screaming for us to shut up and finally crying. she couldnt answer what the problem was. I know this house. I know this family. I know our symptoms. I cannot accept what has been created at the Morris County Surrogate's Court. the more this is not done right the more anger will smolder and accumulate in me. to grow up under this negligence and have THIS be the result. mom pulled the same game now that she did when we were children. that if Chris didnt stop she would send her back to the place she stays when mom is away. just like growing up mom would threaten going back to the hosp or locks on the fridge if weight was not lost and it was only threats with nothing done. on the contrary I had a childhood friend who pointed out the orderly diet in her household for her incompetent sister who required a special diet. *hold me down* and as usual mom goes to help Christine get ready for bed not too long later.        

some people are just LOSERS!!!

September 1st 2013
I've just been referred to as being "fine." The usual typical reckless, negligent, get-a-fucking-clue-about-you're-handicapped-child's-American-life-or-get-your-overwhelmed-ass-the-fuck-out-and-go-back-to-where-you-fucking-came-from attitude. 

overheard bits of mom talking to Claire and Claire sounds as foreign to mom as mom is to America.I know my family. I'm no stranger to this household.

August 26th 2013
Mom still won't accept I need personal family help and not hired movers.

thanks patty but i'm a train wreck here. i need a family or friend party to travel the three hundred miles with me to clean my tons of crap up. had family here from ireland asking why the ones here wont go help. they said no one will go up there so my condition is not important enough so life just falls apart. i get laughed at by family over my medical condition and one of those laughers was given guardianship of me when my father died and no questions of what happened simultaneously that a household member was given a court order they couldnt come back to the home. so the two remaining children went with improper medical and vocational care. when getting some kind of diagnosis senior year it was recommended i not go to college. my mother got her own opinion and the doctor recommended a specific local reputable college who wouldnt let me in even under the circumstances. instead of dealing with it professionally my mother tried to take care of it informally. no luck. so i wound up going to a college three hundred miles away that accepted me and i only knew about because my boyfriend at the time was going. that boyfriend is part of the train wreck in isolating me believing that i had no life before him which basically ruined some of my plans in life. at the same time he provided undiagnosed structure for me to live in. why not come back to mom? mom has a knack of letting my incompetent sister go with untreated seizures - tip of the iceberg. no one out there has a clue i come from upper middle class life because of how far gone i have become. train wreck.

i cant hold my life together alone and someone i depended on for years was my mother but mom didnt know how to give solid guidance and i couldnt recognize that was the case. now she speaks down to me in a condescending way at times. i just cant handle or accept that this person is doing the total opposite of what she did for years and there is no records kept for anything that is going to ... actually I just heard the phrase "sweet revenge" and that's what she did but the tragic thing is this has nothing to do with revenge but the careless and negligent condition of a medical life that can't hold up under these conditions anymore. I lost my credit. I am going to lose my house. Both of these only happened after mom pulled what she did at the surrogate's court. All of my dying attempts haven't worked so maybe I'll just lay here day in and out with smart phone as only connection to the world. I've done things like that before and nothing was done about it. She just tells everybody I'm fine and doesn't know what to do so nothing is done and I just fall further apart. She might say something to her sister who will join in on the jesting rather than getting me the help I need. Like I said my life has literally been falling apart right under her nose and not only is she getting away with it but has misled all that anything was wrong. Something of that is because she can't recognize it as an immigrant and some is because she's only good at denying there's a problem.

another desperate, time-ticking, message-left-in-vain(?) to the deputy surrogate that he doesn't want to be the son of a bitch gatekeeper for the plea bargain that should have been and something is keeping me alive (details withheld) . if you go to PG 11 you'll read about a typical immigrant's behavior in bragging about their child's accomplishments but complete omission and aloofness to consequences. my mother bragged about me to coworkers and family and friends but proceeding pro se no witnesses were called to rebut my mother's claims and lies. can anyone step in now?

August 23rd 2013  
Mom is notorious for turning me off in her uneducated immigrant way so I need anyone to explain to her that what I'm saying doesnt have to do with living in the past - the shit Claire is feeding her - I know how my family works. I keep talking about the past to point out to her to do something for what has become the vulnerable adult from the developmentally delayed child whose needs were neglected. In her immigrant striving for a better life way not only is / was she completely disconnected to the American care I needed after leaving a hospital but I had no siblings to help me. I'm sorry mom if you're too late in understanding this. I tried so hard to get you to see and then in the end you took on Claire's shit. you'll understand and I'm sorry it'll be too late when you do. vulnerabl...

August 21st 2013       
Prosecution for vulnerable adults

couldnt leave that webpage w/o talking to someone. gee a final savior at this stage in the game? doubt it.

August 18th 2013  
Now is the absolute worst time for me to be treated how I always should have been treated by a post college employer. I'm leaving and she's giving me a laptop. It's just like the money my mother sent me for new shoes when a dead person doesnt need new shoes. I have no plan laid out to save my ass so there really is no other option.
that's the way life goes when you leave a developmentally disabled child with no protection as a vulnerable adult.
August 14th 2013
August 13th 2013   
Couldn't ask for a better situation. If I need to leave for the east coast it's alright coz I need to do what I need to do. It doesnt mean I'll still have a paying job because east coast clients haven't been finalized.

August 12th 2013

August 11th 2013    
Tried a Brian weiss regression. Came up with a female in bare feet wearing a brown linen dress which easily translates to a female hospital patient. Hmmnn. Thing felt in womb was mouth feeding.

....I'll try it again and see what I come up with but my first thought was a woman in that material dress would be stone age type before shoes existed and then I thought that type of material didnt exist back then. it's possible my trying to reason it spoils the whole thing. that's why I'm saying I will give it another go with a different attitude. Maybe why I'm so passionate about the mental health industry is I existed as a victim in a previous life and then in this life conquered it with all the resistance I so blatantly display. ? Maybe?

that still doesnt explain my recurring dream theme recorded approximately twenty years apart of my fear upon seeing a man dead hanging upside down where asphyxiation is possible thru hanging by the feet. my dreams are also very colorful which is why when I dreamt in black and white (the 20 years later when I started recording dreams again - prompted by it) I was FREAKED OUT.

August 10th 2013

August 9th 2013  

today I got the deputy surr vm again AND I sent an e mail to feel free to send me this supposed form. I was told by someone they know this part of northern Nj to have a lot of corruption. yup. I tried to tell Claire once that the only reason their friend received couch furniture after praying about it is because the apt they were in is bugged. instead of listening to reason she told me to stop because it's letting the devil in.
August 8th 2013  
I couldnt believe the DRUGS attitude I encountered today from the Morris County deputy surrogate. I probably dont even realize the impact of what a deputy surrogate is. I made some things very clear to him over email and he acts like I never said it. He then says that I have to fill out a form I can get obline. I ask him specific words I need to google to get this form and he says yes. No such form found so I call back and get voice mail. Call the woman there who erroneously gave me the confidence to go pro se and she never heard of such a form but could make suggestions of other forms I could manipulate to make the form that might help. What part of "I'm going to die out here " are these people turning off? Due to inadequate medical care post coma hospital release?????? DRUGS.
August 5th 2013   
Boss is good to me as always should have been the case. Depressed though with good reason. Need to return home and indications boss is ok with telecommuting very eventually. Could always end it all soon. Need mom. Need reality. Too many significant people not paying attention those two needs are like water and oil. Ah sleep has arrived. Will I wake up dragged through this further? While robodick keeps his bride happy and family is left to flounder with inappropriate medical attention?
August 3rd 2013  
Hush now baby baby dont you cry...mama's gonna keep baby healthy and clean...

boss has mentioned a couple times about me working from the east coast. still waiting to see how this comes together.

July 31st 2013    
Boss is a beautiful person but it doesnt look like this is going to cut it. Asked about work the company has on the east coast but because of hardtime circumstance it's going to be a while which is not going to help me. I dont have a plan. Sent mom's recording saying I can come home any time to the Surrogate's court requesting the new judge revisit this even knowing my robodick brother in law can read this anytime. Even my nephews. last I knew Claire doesnt do the internet. Mom misled the ilc inquiring about housing for me knowing damn well I'd be at her house like always. She just needed to sound American.

occupied newbie doent want to die but most likely occupied newbie is going to die. on needs dad around yesterday. on is not going to make it. On thinks about reaching paradise after that final breath. On can expect to see all of dad's family again and both sisters on the other side. On will be so happy to see all 4 family dogs again. On will see 3 grandparents she never met and see the other one again. On will see all the friends who have died over the years. On will remember her heavenly being and what she was before this life. She will know why she wanted to come here to live this life. Maybe on was a he in a previous life. On will be set free from all the Catholic confusion of life that has withheld info on past lives. Will on choose to come back to this cruel world in a number of days with a new family? Completely forgetting this life until returning to spirit again? On is going off the deep end right now needing a fellow babbler like Greg Zuk. On is comfortably numb for the moment which will help get a full nite's sleep. on thinks about mom and how she's dealing with the American act she's putting on while her flesh and blood she will mourn a great deal for, will be buried under ground. That's one memory I had from some time in childhood that I dug up Stephanie's grave and pulled her up with my hand and we ran off. The dream didnt follow where we were going though. It only showed me pulling her up and we ran off laughing and/or with smiles.

Could only leave a msg at DDD. I dont have but need something done for me by someone else. *crying*  

July 30th 2013  
waiting to die. wanting to die. my brother-in-law is a robodick who doesn't belong in this family bit because Claire is whipped I'm going to die.
July 29th 2013  
Not at my boss's house. I'm completely NOT one to lose things. Since completing my bucket list, lost tooth flipper and flip phone. What's the spiritual message in that? My extreme stress over it is currently numbed over all my info being God knows where on my flip phone. then again there's nothing to stress about if life is ending. Then again what to do with this new begin ning? *needing temper tantrum patrol*
officially obsessing over my missing property. concentrating on my 3rd eye opening and psychic powers knowing.
Please let my flip phone be at my boss's house! I was invited over yesterday for a meal and chill out for a bit. I've retraced all my steps and called all people in contact with. I never found my flipper. I had put it in an unusual place while I received a phone call from someone I hadnt spoken to in fifteen years. It's definitely not in my car or I would hear it. I see boss later. Freaking out!!! Alarm and all my info not with me 
July 27th 2013
Ok it's all clear now and I'm hoping I made it all clear. When I went to the school nurse over a hearing problem and the problem wasnt hearing but processing they had testing done of me and my mother got her own testing of me in NYC by a neuropsychologist. Mom's missing link was not getting me involved in ddd. Likewise, Morris county is responsible for never getting me in ddd. Mom knows all about ddd from being forced into the services when Claire refused to care for Christine over 30 years after disability onset. All mom has to do now is call ddd about me (so I found out the part of the conversation she never recklessly told me like so many other things. I can't return without a safety net and this is what I needed all along. The independent living center is looking into a social worker for me in this regard. It's still up to mom to look into ddd. Facebook family members who need to poke and prod in this regard are Maureen Murray, ray Murray, Kevin Murray, Teresa Murray, Louise and Melissa and Clare McCarthy, Teresa and Bernie O'Hare, and any1 else I'm forgetting like Yvonne O'Hare. As I said last night I May just do away with myself because there is no living w/o mom and thete is no living w/o reality. I cant live lies and fantasies forever. I get my perfectionist ways from mom and I cant live w/o this massive error having some kind of resolution. Ddd stands for department of developmental disabilities. Judge langlois retired when I contested the guardianship, judge Wilson is retiring soon and if no one fixes this situation I have nothing to sustain my living.
I'm tired of fighting with family over their game of Russian roulette with my life. get the facts and mom's not on Facebook so family need to get busy.  


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